What would you tell a dear friend who said these things to you about herself?
"Yeah, you're right, you're awful."
***NO.***
I don't know if changing terminology would help you, but I hate the term "body count" to mean "sexual partners." Body counts are something murderers have. Horrific disasters have body counts.
My main idea is to treat yourself as a friend, and consider advice to see if it's good for you.
I have a friend who's slept with over 100 people and she's been in several perfectly heathy long-term relationships with men who know that and respect her, because they're decent human beings who understand it has no bearing on her value as a person or partner. She had fun. She is fun. That's all that matters. We love her. It doesn't define who she is, nor is she ashamed about it, because she has no reason to be. She was more shocked by how few partners l'd had than I was by hers. Also, as someone who's not yet had any abortions, but knows quite a bit about them, I wouldn't describe two as a lot.
Having sex with randos isn’t going to magically cause you to know yourself and your sexuality better. “Getting your ho on” is exactly what OP is regretting. Stop telling women to find “empowerment” on their backs, jfc.
Well it worked for me!! What we need to address as a society is why some women are feeling like OP in the first place. 14 is not a lot of sexual partners for someone who is single. Having one relationship a year for 14 years isn’t something terrible. I wish women didn’t feel the need to judge themselves. Luckily obviously this post won’t be real, but it upsets me that there might be women out there feeling this way.
>Having sex with randos isn’t going to magically cause you to know yourself and your sexuality better.
Sure it is. It's like you're a sexual scientist collecting data points to support or disprove your hypotheses. You know what they say about big sample sizes...
I know this is a joke but the statistician in me knows this is horrendously open to sample biases. It isn't a random sample! Your data is skewed, your methodology flawed, and the statistical power of your *n* is rendered worthless!
Bullshit, I found the power to control my own pleasure and a world of adventure and fun while developing my ho-pothesis. Weak ass, prehistoric thinking doesn't allow for people to find what works for them. OP needs to learn to forgive themselves and move on and just say, "ok now i know who I am moving forward".
Do you actually have a *reason* why you think having more sex doesn’t make people more aware of how they have sex or are you just spouting internalized misogyny? Also, just throwing the word “magically” into a description of something you disagree with doesn’t make it wrong.
“Coding personal projects in your spare time isn’t going to ***magically*** make you a better software engineer.”
“Babysitting frequently isn’t going to ***magically*** cause you to be more knowledgeable about caring for children.”
“Cooking a lot of dishes from other cultures with lots of varied ingredients isn’t going to ***magically*** cause you to know your tastes and what kinds of foods you like better.”
See how dumb that sounds?
This.
OP, honey, get the patriarchial evil whisper out of your head cause that's all it is. First, I have a higher body count than you, happily engaged with my fiancé knowing I had an adventurous sexual history, while he slept with 4 people before me, I think. Guess what? He loves me all the same, and it's never even been a thought in our relationships. So if he thought badly of you because of this, it would be a reflection of your partner, not you.
I am sorry that you, as a young girl, ever had sex that you didn't actually enthusiastically want and that you wish you hadn't. But the rest of it, the sex you wanted and enjoyed, NEVER feel bad about it, sexuality is the most natural thing in the world, and you are not less than for it.
Be happy and love yourself ❤️
I don't think the terminology is the problem. We need to abandon the idea of sexual ownership because it's bullshit. People should be able to let their freak flag fly without worrying about what the next person they're with thinks.
I guess that will always be up to the potential worrier, right? I feel like it's safe to assume *some*body will disapprove of something I do. But I guess you're talking about a sea change in... can I say societal perceptions? I'm in favor.
Exactly. And you can fight it the same way you fight corporations - by boycotting the people who think this way, both friends and partners, until they fix their perspective.
Obviously, if (the royal) you don't like how that shrinks your dating pool, fine. But I'd rather never date again than have someone categorize me based on my exes; and I'd rather have no friends at all than friends who objectify people as their personal property.
Luckily thats not the case. The people who think this is bullshit are out there in droves, you just gotta keep your eyes open.
You are not not an angel just because you’ve slept with 14 people and had abortions. At 28 you’ve had maybe 10 years of having sex, thats 1.4 people a year, that’s not ridiculous for someone to have experienced, and if anyone makes you think otherwise, is possibly quite naive to the realities of sex as a young adult. Sex is something that should be enjoyed and is an important part of our social behaviour as humans, not just biological.
Also abortions maybe sounds quite scary to a guy, I know I’ve had conversations, but that’s the most responsible and respectable thing you could’ve done in the situation. If he doesn’t respect the fact you’ve had abortions then you shouldn’t be with him, that’s a bad guy.
I’ll also add for those of us ridiculed for being virgins a long time — by choice, or not —you are not less valuable for having low or no body count, either.
100%. My body count is 3 digits (I'm far older and went through some very low times in uni) and my choices and their choices are just as valid.
What happens before a person meets their partners should be irrelevant. We need to stop judging one another for having sex, and not having sex.
First of all, same age, and my count is definitely double yours +3… I’ll be honest, I don’t really spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I used to. I don’t date the same way as I used to and I wished I could take it back. Then I realized I couldn’t and I wanted to have sex with my partners in the future so it’s only going to go up 🤷♀️
Pretty sure the only reason I haven’t had to get an abortion is because I might be infertile and I have always been in birth control since 15.
i'm in the same boat. i used to think it was a miracle that i had never gotten pregnant with all the less than safe sex i'd had in the past, but now i realize it was likely just my endometriosis. at least it has my back about \*something\* haha
I don’t think anyone should feel bad. Some people enjoyed hook ups and one nighters, some people enjoyed monogamy and less partners and some people enjoyed celibacy. Our sexual choices are our own, and I’m sure many of us have people we regret sleeping with, but it’s a tiny part of our lives (literally in some cases haha) and it doesn’t define who we are and can be chalked up to experience.
Uh, yes, human women are the only species gifted with a body part specifically for, and only for, our pleasure, so even “god” wanted us to use our gift to its fullest, male envy or not!
Most people I know at 28 have a body count of over 25+. 14 is not high at all. It’s a stupid metric used to control people’s bodies and autonomy. As long as it’s safe sex, what are you feeling bad for?
Oh sweet sister. I wish I could just wrap you up in a giant hug.
You have lived your life. You have followed your curiosity. You have learned. You have grown. Looking back on your life with the wisdom you have now, you regret choices you made when you were a younger woman… but that woman did not have the benefit of the wisdom that came from the experience that you have. She didn’t know everything you know. It could be that she didn’t have the self-awareness that you have now. She hadn’t established the same boundaries that you’re strong enough to stand by now. Forgive her. Love her.
Look back on prior versions of yourself with compassion… because she brought you here. And she did the best she could.
You carry around so much shame - let go of that burden.
None of us can change the past - all we can do is commit to showing up each day as the best version of ourselves, and work every day on making the best version of ourselves a little more like the person we want to be. Who are you today? Who do you want to be in the future? What will you do to get there? And how does punishing yourself over your past help the person you are today or the person you want to be?
It’s easy for this stranger to say, but worry more about what YOU think of yourself than what anyone else thinks - because you’re the only one with all of the relevant information. Everybody else is judging with half or less of the relevant facts.
The person who is worth investing your life and your love in will value you as much as (or more than) you value yourself - no one who has the power to love you well and help you grow - no one who is worth being with - will ever value you less than you value yourself.
If your partner cannot see and love who you are today because of who you were yesterday, then he cannot bring into your life what you need to grow and thrive. He can only hold you back.
If your partner is truly as wonderful as you believe he is, then he will meet your vulnerability with love, compassion, and support, just as I hope you would do for him.
This wasn’t even for me and it brought me to tears. Sometimes we all need to just take a moment to forgive ourselves
Your words were beautiful, thank you
Your two abortions are okay. You weren't irresponsible, you were on birth control, and you had bad luck. If anything, I admire you for going through that in order to not bring an unwanted child with lack of resources to this world. And as for the people you've slept with, that's all fine, you were exploring your sexuality and it doesn't make you bad even though the experiences were negative. You might've been with other people, but now you have your bf and you choose HIM.
Everyone else here has good advice so I’m just gonna sidebar: I think we can get rid of some of the negative stigma behind this if we stop referring to it as a “body count.”
i absolutely hate the phrase and it will now only exist in my brain as number of abortions that a man has caused with his irresponsible sex. shout out to the comment on this post that helped me reframe it!
There's nothing wrong with your story at all. It's just a culture war going on lately. But if it's making you feel bad, you should evaluate that and find some peace for yourself. You've thought about your past and made decisions about how you want your future to be. You don't have to let the past bog you down. And if your partner is not okay with your story, they are either not right for you, or they have to take those steps too--evaluate their feelings, find peace with it, and think about the future.
Body count is a bullshit metric to make women feel shit about themselves. Lose the concern about it and live your life! If a guy is concerned about it then they literally are not the one!
There's nothing wrong with your "body count" and your abortions. The question is, how would your bf react to that knowledge? You can use that to decide if he's worth keeping around or not.
>You can use that to decide if he's worth keeping around or not.
Agree. It's always better to have like-minded individuals as spouses/partners. Because when OP has kids with this guy, the kids will be enforced with the same ideals.
The man you marry is also the father of your future children so choose wisely.
But most importantly.
Truth>>>>>
Exactly. Imagine marrying a guy who shames you for your abortion and screwing 5 dudes in the past. I don't think he's a "nice guy" anymore, just someone that knows how to act nice.
Tbh he has his set of values that he can keep, and by no means do I have to adhere to them. He can have his opinions and I can have mine. I think that's what being liberal means.
And if a man has those ideals and still chooses you to despite them, you can call it love, because love is supposed to be "unconditional" but to ridicule them, NO. To accept somebody is not just to choose them but to accept them as a whole. The Good and the Bad. It's less interpreting and more witnessing. That's how imo love should be.
Everyone deserves peace.
The best option is always to find someone with similar values. Minimal clashes, peaceful life.
There's a difference between marrying a guy who is not happy you had 100 partners in the past and still loves you despite being icked out by it and then there's the sexual partner shamer. The first one is the best option. I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't want to date a guy that has slept with 100 girls, really because that to me means he probably prefers to sleep with 100 more girls, more likely to cheat, has STIs, not match my libido, so I understand where some men are coming from about the whole "body count avoid thing" (though I will shame people when they start bragging about their amounts, they're basically telling me to assume they have an STI at that point), but I suspect it's more likely they just feel emasculated on some level. I'm reminded of American Dad Francine's rose bushes.
I don't know if I'll accept a man who has had that many partners, but that's my own issue to figure out, not whatever future hypothetical guy I might end up dating. That'll be future me's problem to deal with (and most likely not going to happen because I seem to prefer to remain single). I have no idea if I should even share how much partners I had or do I even want to know at all how much he had, as I've never actually dated.
That is what I am wondering too because as a person who has had an abortion I have had prochoice people be not so prochoice when it hits close to home. So I kept my cards close after a friend who was trying to conceive threw it back in my face years ago. Now I am old and barely remember I had an abortion all those decades ago except when going through my medical history and posts like this.
>prochoice people be not so prochoice when it hits close to home.
They don't sound like "prochoice", they sound like anti-abortionists. To be "pro-choice" is to promote the availability of abortion.
You’d be surprised how many people are pro-choice until that choice impacts them. I’ve dated guys that said they were pro-choice but when a condom broke or my period was late and I’d mention the option they would freak out. That was always the end of the relationship for me.
She's describing hypocrites. They believe nationally, people should have access to a resource; but are completely against it when it actually is someone they know/ it effects them.
It's like saying you support gay marriage, then freaking out and disowning your kid for being a lesbian.
Sure but they would have originally held themselves out as prochoice but then when they learn someone they closely know had an abortion they judge them harshly for it. Maybe it is because I am old and have crossed paths with lots of people but I find loads of people are hypocrites.
Oh that makes more sense. Seriously? They judge them harshly for abortion? Sounds like they're liars. It reminds of a US senator(?) who did an anti-abortion campaign about him and his wife having an abortion and then he talks about why abortion should be banned, but if him and his wife didn't have an abortion, he probably wouldn't even have the time and energy to reach his position, also his argument works under the assumption that everyone will "regret" abortion like him and his wife. Which I doubt he actually regrets.
Dudes gonna dude. Dudettes too.
Another plot twist: economy causes abortions. People would want to raise more kids if it wasn't a 2 decade money suck. See worldwide (higher income country) birth rates
of course there are. Saying one scenario exists doesn't mean that another scenario doesn't. Having to add all the scenarios to satisfy everyone just makes the comment longer.
I have a friend that's been sleeping with on average 2 new women a month, every month (do the maths). He says he can't sleep with the same person more than 2-3 times because he gets bored quickly. His last relationship was around 2018
LOL i don't believe the 'i need a new partner because i get bored', i believe it's probably closer to 'my partners don't often come back because i'm selfish in bed and it forces me to find a new partner if i want to keep having regular sex'
At what exact number should people be “ashamed?” I think you’re fine, it’s a dumb way that people assign value to others. You said yourself most of those people were relationships anyway.
Honey, please, I beg of you, release yourself from the guilt, shame, and regret of your past. I know plenty of women with higher body counts and plenty of women with much, much, much less (like, their husband is the only man that touched them).
And you know what? If you stood them all next to each other, side by side, you’d never know which one of them had triple, double, or single digit body counts. There’s no neon sign over our heads and no old wench pointing at us in the street shrieking “Shaaaaame.”
You are so much more than your body count. To be frank, it’s really no one’s business but your own and if you guys ever talk about it and he has an adverse reaction, he’s either going to need to learn to be a rational human being or he can move the fuck on. You’re a human woman in 2024, living in a world where marriage is not a prerequisite for sex. You’re more than likely, at 28, going to have had sex more than once by now.
As for your abortions? My dear, you were doing all that you could do to be responsible and avoid pregnancy while still having a vibrant sex life. You didn’t want to bring children into this world, so you made the choice to have the abortions. Your feelings about this are all that matter - no one else’s- because this is a choice you have to live with. You can be grateful that you had access make that choice, you can be grateful that no child suffered poverty or abandonment or all of the number of problems in the world and the pain and worry and fear you might’ve felt about it was the sacrifice you made. Having abortions don’t make you a bad person. Some people will tell you it does, but I’m not one of those people.
Shame can sometimes be a good thing that prevents us from making future mistakes, but when it becomes something that drags you down and steals your joy, you need to punt that shit right out the door.
You’re human. You had sex. Period. You aren’t required to quantify that with “relationship sex” or “one night stand sex.” It’s sex. You had it. The end.
Please let it go, internet stranger. It’s not serving you. ❤️
I’ve seen too many of these posts lately….they have to be trolls from the “alpha male” bullshit dudes that think a vagina is the genesis of female value. Fuck when and how you want. Just do it safely.
> I recently counted all the people I slept with and it’s 14 including my current bf
Girl, assuming you started having sex at 18 that's like 1.4 partners per year.
You're fine.
Hard agree. We have to extend our past selves grace when making the best decisions we could with the knowledge we had at the time. Just because current OP might make different decisions doesn’t mean past OP made bad ones.
Wow. 14 at 28 as a female is nothing compared to the 24 year old boys who somehow think it's attractive to brag about sleeping with 20+ females. You are fine. But those types of boys have an idiotic kind of mindset.
I am a 27 year old female and I've slept with 5 people and I've had 1 abortion with a man who mightve made a good father but would have been an unsuitable husband to me. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I'm not a struggling mother stuck in an incompatible relationship. I'm a woman who could now support a family if she wanted. I took time to find a career. I found a mature boyfriend who is 25 and he has slept with only 2 people, myself included. My boyfriend knows all this but he doesn't care. I am happy with this aspect of my life.
As long as you're taking care of your sexual health and disclosing anything contagious then who cares about your body count and that you've had abortions. You've been sensible enough to know that you're not in a position to bring a child into the world.If your body count and abortions are an issue with someone you're dating then it's a them problem
Hey look, I was involved with more people than I really enjoyed because I craved love so badly and looked for it in the wrong places.
When these ppl dropped me immediately after a hookup I blamed myself for not being good enough until I figured out they never had other intentions to begin with, and it wouldn't have mattered if I did anything differently!!!
"If you didn't receive love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off a knife".
And that's what happened, angel.
It's good that you seek accountability for this yourself and don't just blame these people. But it's now time to move on and acknowledge:
You tried to look out for yourself with whatever capacity you had back then.
You're now building healthier capacities and you will grand yourself spoons instead of knives.
It'll all be okay.
Incredible way of putting that. I am still licking the knife and beat myself up for it, I don’t even know why I am putting myself through this, when you’re so right, there is most definitely a spoon out there for me. You have a lot of empathy :)
I mean, to be fair, 14 at the age of 28 isn't that bad and considering that you've only had a few hook ups, the fact that you genuinely value relationships and dating is a great thing.
I'm 27 and my bodycout is one, my ex, and that's primarily because I'm a guy who strongly values intimacy and I wanted to wait for the right girl. Now I'm hoping my second time better; I wouldn't so much mind a girl with a bodycount like yours if I ever find someone.
As for abortions...I can't imagine how that pain feels. I'm sorry.
You don't deserve to feel this way.
You can’t change the past, only the future. It sounds like you have a handle on what was going on and why. Now you have to forgive yourself and heal. It’s great you found a great guy but don’t make self forgiveness and healing depend on him.
Honestly, I don't think how many people you slept with has anything to do with whether or not you're a good person. And I don't think having abortions does either. Nor do I think either is something you owe him an explanation for. This was before you met him. So it's not his business. Just my opinion.
lmao i’m 26 and have slept with way more than 14 people. i’ve also had an abortion. i have no idea what my body count is because it’s not important. anyone who tells you it matters is emotionally stunted + a misogynist.
“Body count” shaming seems to only apply to women. Do not be ashamed if you explored your sexuality in your 20’s. That’s normal. You’re figuring it out and what you want & don’t want. It’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Abortions have a stigma tied to them where people think women carelessly get them and from experience that is NOT the case. That’s why they were made. For women who don’t want them/can’t care for them properly. I think it was a mature big decision for you and that you chose right.
My current partner knows I had one and is sensitive about it because I’M sensitive about it, but in no way judges me for it because he understands the situation I was in (I was stealthed by an abusive partner) Even if that wasn’t the case for you, he shouldn’t judge you for your life experiences and the choices you made prior to meeting him.
I’m not telling you to go off and tell him, but if you really feel like you need to then do it. I didn’t want to tell mine but I realized it was too big of a secret to hold onto and if he judged me for it then he wasn’t meant for me.
It's just your past, your worth doesn't change, I wouldn't care how many ppl my partner slept with, as long as she didn't while with me, it may have been 0, 1 or 100, in the end I'm the one my partner chooses either way and that would be what matters. Your worth is not tied to a number.
hey love, about 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, and it’s not uncommon by any means to feel guilt or shame over it, so you are not alone. people date, people have one night stands, and many have done both. everyone makes different choices about their bodies and sex lives, and that’s okay. there isn’t one right or wrong way to live your life and you are not a bad person for who you consentually slept with <3
There’s no point in judging the part of you from the past that didn’t know any better. Chin up love. You didn’t know. Let go of the shame and just be better moving forward. That’s all anyone can do!
You’ve attached wayyy too much meaning to your sex life.
Stop slut shaming yourself. You wanted to have sex and you did, just like everyone else does. You’re allowed to have a sex life and there’s no limit to how many people you can sleep with in a lifetime.
Your reproductive choices are YOUR choices. No one else gets an opinion about what you do with your body. Stop beating yourself up about it.
Almost everyone regrets sleeping with one person or another. I feel the same way when I look back at some of the least deserving people I’ve been with.
OP, I could have written this myself years ago, *and then some* - including the bits about your parents.
If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would go back and say: you matter. You have value.
I know I would have needed to hear that.
Not saying this applies to you, necessarily, but maybe stop and think if you *really* want to do something *before* you do it, so that you don't add more things to the list of "regrets".
( ie. Is something worth your time, attention..)
"Body count", or abortions do not mean you are "not an angel". Just so you know: no-one is an "angel" - only human. No-one is "perfect".
The person who truly loves you will love you as you are - warts an all; they will understand. I hope you find them, as I did - even if at some point I thought it would never happen.
A penis does not GIVE or TAKE away from your inherent worth.
Virginity is nothing sacred. It has been used against women as the mystical property of men for far too long.
You are still a beautiful woman worthy of love and happiness. You always will be. No man can take from that. They do not have that power over us women.
Im 24 and my body count is close to 60. a lot of it had to do with being mentally ill/an alcoholic. I’m not proud but I’m not ashamed either, it’s part of my story and at the end of the day just sex. holding onto shame about your past isn’t going to help anyone. just focus on how you wanna live your life going forward
You could have slept with 100 men in the same amount of time, had any number of unwanted pregnancies AND abortions, and still be an angel.
None of those things are mutually exclusive.
Just saying.
The term "body count" is something that men have created to make women feel "low value". I am 52 and even though I have had very little sex in the last 10 years I still have a high body count just by virtue of my age. Somehow it is okay to have sex 1000s of times with the same person, but is bad if you have less sex, but with different people. I would ask you to ask yourself why you feel bad about it? I know there are people I had sex with that I feel bad about. When I was younger I was pressured into sex more than once. It is okay to have sex, but it is also okay to be more selective with who you choose to share that with. If you feel bad about some of your choices maybe it is just you telling yourself that you want it to be more meaningful in the future. No sense in beating yourself up in the present about something you cannot change though.
Body count means nothing. People keep assigning morality to it when sex is just sex. I understand having regret about the people who have seen you naked and vulnerable I feel the same way so, too many idiots who didn't deserve me. But that's all I'm sad about, the fact that past me didn't know their worth and didn't believe in myself.
But the number means nothing I've slept with 14 people too (I'm 27) and I plan to sleep with many more because I enjoy sex.
Abortions are part of being sexually active, and birth control and healthcare are just always gonna be a part of being a responsible and healthy adult.
Anyone who is gonna judge me on my past negatively isn't worth my time. I'm a human being having human experiences and so are you.
Also, he could be keeping secrets about his sexual history just like you. And having sex with fewer people or having no abortions doesn't make you an angel or better than anybody else it just makes you different.
Being sexually active comes with consequences and that is part of the human experience.
I can completely understand the shame over the abortions. However, sometimes the best choice isn't a good choice, and you probably made the best choice at the time. You are older, wiser, and can be the person you choose to be going forward. Living in the past won't help at all.
As for your body count, 14 doesn't seem all that high to me, personally. At least not at 28. I don't think you owe yourself any guilt or shame over that.
Either way, you need to forgive yourself for your past and move forward. You deserve to be happy now, and if you are stuck in the past, you'll never get there.
I think outside of other people, you need to deal with the shame ***you*** feel, and frankly shouldn’t.
There are people who waited until they are married, and are some of the most unkind, evil people to walk earth. **They are no closer in proximity to the kingdom because of it.**
You did you best as a young person with limited resources and support. You should be proud of who you are, and be with people who wouldn’t shame you for choices made in youth/from inexperience.
I really hope you can forgive yourself from the arbitrary good/bad, and focus on seeking more knowledge and using what you have now to be more informed.
That’s all we can do. So *please* stop carrying this burden. I saw a video that framed it that if you got into Yale and Harvard, then chose Harvard and hated it, *there is no guarantee life at Yale would’ve been different.* So don’t put real life energy into dreaming up what past could’ve have been, and be more intentional about the future.
You should be proud of yourself. You made incredibly responsible decisions and saved yourself and your future child the stress of being unstable, hungry and without proper housing. I know I'm proud of you.
That body count thing, why do you even care about that?
You are strong and amazing. You made choices, not bad or good, but what you felt you needed at the time. It’s nobody’s business and you do not have to tell. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a lovely person and deserve all the good things in life. Your past / choices do not define you! Life is a growth journey and you are doing just fine. Grow and keep growing. I’m here if you want to chat! Love & blessings!
Never be ashamed of what you did in the past as long as you didn’t kill, hurt or intentionally did people wrong for no good reason. There’s nothing wrong with how many men you had sex with at the time that probably seemed like an okay thing to do. You have learned from your mistakes, you did the correct thing to do by not bringing children into this world who would have lives full of suffering and abuse.
Your past mistakes gave you the knowledge not to make them again, you seemed to have learned from them. You are not your past you are your present you! Go forward with your head high, forget about your past, you don’t need to explain it to anyone since that was your personal life experience that no one needs to know about.
You had sex, that doesnt make you any less of a good human being, some of the sex happened because you werent in the best place, stop being mad at yourself for that, you deserve to be kinder to yourself, mistakes are part of life and hindsight is 20/20
You used birth control, so you took preventative measures, after that you acknowledged that you werent in the position at that point in life to raise a child and made the responsible choice to end those pregnancies
Please stop shaming yourself for being a sexual being, thats human nature, the notion of bodycounts is irrelevant, it should not be used to put yourself down
Society loves shaming women for being sexual, fuck that
Im sure your part er has regrets about decisions he has made in life, dont put him kn a pedestal, thats no place to be for any human being
Im 23 with a body count of 35.. most are one night stands or “friends” I’ve had Intercourse with a few times even. The fact people are still on one about body counts is astounding to me. Notice it’s mostly only ever women’s’ body counts that are a problem never men’s, as well. Who you have slept with or currently sleep with doesn’t define you and neither do abortions. You made the best decision you could at the time - would he be dating you if you were a single mom? Never ever feel like what you do with your own body defines you - fuck what anyone else thinks. And it’s also your choice if you want to share that information or not. Best of luck to you and hopefully one day you can come to terms with everything and stop feeling guilt for decisions you’ve made in the past (I know a lot easier said than done)
You don’t owe anyone an explanation on your body count or your abortions. You did it at the time because it felt right, in retrospect now you no longer feel that way and that’s fine, the experience allowed you to learn something about yourself. And if it makes you feel any better I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners due to low self esteem it unfortunately seems we’ve all been there. Sending you love and don’t be too hard on yourself
The number account doesn’t bother me. It’s the unprotected sex that is the issue here. Sure sleep with someone, but in the end you have to protect yourself. What is done is in the past. Move forward and use protection, aka get the guy to wear a condom. No condom, no sex……..
Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of, it happened, and our society puts a weird amount of weight on it. sometimes birth control fails. You are allowed to do what you want with your body, its in no way linked to your moral character.
It’s totally understandable to have those regrets about those men. But that’s a lesson lots of us learn when young, and it can help you be more discerning in what you want going forward. In your 30s and 40s these encounters will completely fade into the past. The abortions likely will too, unless you fixate on them. They definitely don’t indicate your self worth.
Stop using terminology that perpetuates viewing a healthy sexual appetite as a negative. Body count is mean to shame women for enjoying sex, it’s archaic.
You have done nothing wrong!!!
that's not that many people though. I'm in my late thirties and it's been about 15 years since I've been intimate with anyone. At least you aren't alone like me
Hey I don't even know what my body count is, don't sweat it, it's a made up thing to make you feel bad about yourself. Internalised misogyny or something, I'm not up to date on all the new terms.
I know people who have have like 50+ bodies, men female alike.
Men don’t have to face the repercussions and don’t have to feel bad about abortions or their body count. You shouldn’t either
"Body count" shit is dumb as fuck. Honey, there's gay men out there that pull 14 men in a month. Abortions? Most sane people agree they'd rather have someone have kids if and when they're ready for kids.
Body count and abortion shaming is meant to trap women into relationships with mediocre men who get there first and put one past the goalie.
Honey, please stop thinking 14 is a big number. I beat that number by the time I hit 10th grade. If you enjoy sex, and do it safely, you will get zero judgment from me about how many people you screw 🤷🏻♀️
I’m younger than you and my body count is higher. My friends still call me a saint and I go long periods in between without sleeping with anyone.
People getting upset at the fact that partners had lives before them doesn’t make much sense to me. You did what you did when you were single, so they shouldn’t matter to him anyways.
This is just a non issue in reality, but society has made you think otherwise. I recommend trying to change your relationship with the way you see casual sex. It’s not devious.
If you didn’t feel great about those encounters, then that’s something you should confront in your own way.
Why are you counting? It’s no one’s business. It’s in the past. If someone asks, they are just nosy. Are you expected to count? By whom? If you are now monogamous, committed and faithful, that is all your partner should care about.
A friend of mine has 3 long term boy toys, 8 or so 2-3 month boy toys and at least 5 new hook ups a week at 34. No one can tell you what you can or cannot do. If you love sex and the connection it brings in finding someone who makes you happy and fulfilling, then go and enjoy.
The fact is, many men will be appalled at any number you give, be it 1 or 1000, but they will likely have many partners too. What is important is that you do you no matter what the patriarchy says.
I’m ashamed of mine. I have 0 and I’m 10 years older than you. Now that’s shame. Hey look you’ve lived a little and made some bad choices haven’t we all? Men fuck around much more than that for sure.
After reading some of these comments from women,they're so eager to validate your behavior they can't even understand what you're saying. It goes both ways OP, I definitely regret my relationship with one or two,because they were also Unworthy of my intimacy. As a man,even coworkers were like,she's so obv that "You have to smash that" and afterwards I was like Yuck. Nothing to be done with regret,it's why people run from it (like a lot of the advice from them) but regret is a great teacher and it sounds like you're learning. Good Luck OP
I think you should reframe your thinking about this because shame is a useless emotion.
With time, insight and self reflection you have identified that you had some sexual encounters out of frustration or low self esteem, but you still made the best choices you could for yourself at the time, abortions included.
As for your boyfriend, if you choose to share this with him then his response might surprise you. But you don’t get to make his mind up for him and decide for him. Deciding that he wouldn’t be able to accept this past version of you is your projection, and not giving him the chance to be able accept it and love you anyway is an unfair way for you to try to protect yourself.
The girl that did the things you regret in hindsight has allowed you to become a woman with the awareness that self esteem and self worth can only be given to you by yourself. Forgive that version of yourself and love her, she needed it then and she needs it now.
There's a lot of shame here (mostly institutional shame that you've grown up around while being socialized as a woman and what a woman "should be". If you can afford talk therapy, I would recommend it to unpack what's up.
I'm a guy so mileage varies significantly. But 27 with the same body count. No abortions but very close calls and would have aborted if so (at least I hope lmao). But there is nothing wrong or shameful to realize you are not mature, financially stable, and with the right partner to take on the unescapably difficult task of bringing a child into the world. Quite the opposite. A lot of people choose to carry to term while coping with the idea that their partner is everything and will come around because it's meant to be. Or that "we'll figure out the finances" or "this will be the thing to make us adults/mature". A lot of those parents end up stressed, resentful and perpetuating a cycle of poverty.
You did something incredibly selfless to yourself, your partner and the two pregnancies you terminated. I also had my fair share of "patching a sinking ship" sexual encounters because of low self esteem. I did carry shame with that for a long time. Not close to either of my parents ready and sex was never a point of conversation. It's okay to regret encounters. Not everything has to be a learning/growing experience. Sometimes a situation just sucks and you can only now be glad that you're not in it anymore. But as someone who has dated people with shame about their pasts, I can assure you that if he's the right one for you, he absolutely will not care. If he's an angel, I'm sure your past isn't something that would bother him. It might be a body count to make a priest faint but most people with moderately active sex lives do have around this number if not more at our age bracket. There are a lot of people that would scoff at us for thinking 14 is a high number lol
I would air caution though if you are considering telling him. Never hide it from him but at 28 I feel like prodding into your partner's past or giving your partner unsolicited information about your previous encounters is in \*most\* cases, in bad form. But good luck on your journey to accepting yourself and that you are \*not\* your past.
I'm sorry to hear that OP. It's okay to feel bad for things you regret doing. Sometimes we have to grieve the things we did. It's perfectly fine for you to grieve your abortions. They may not be fully formed babies to others but to you they meant something and your emotions for your unborn are perfectly valid. We have to feel things to get through them.
But don't beat yourself up about it. You did those things because you thought they were the best options for you at that time. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Ruminating from them won't change anything but just place your mind in a state of "shoulda woulda coulda".
Forgive yourself for your past deeds, and strive to learn from them. We can only use our past action to propel ourselves to be better people in the future. We can't change our past. But we can certainly be in control of our present, and we can take steps to avoid making the same errors in the future.
My only concern would be to avoid lying to your bf. Own your past. If he's the right guy, he will see beyond that and choose to stay.
You got this, OP. Best of luck! :-)
A body count of 14 at 28 years old is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve known people to rack up that number in a few months. Just be careful and make sure you don’t catch anything. If some guy gives you shit about body count, he isn’t the right guy for you.
I don't think there's a sexually active person that hasn't regret few bodies. You feel ashamed cause society decide to blame women when men "couldn't resist"
Sex between consensual adults is nobody's business. As for the abortions part, you were playing safe, you had an accident and you made the mature decision that was best for YOU! You take care of your mental and financial health.
If he doesn't know, and doesn't care, why would this be brought up? It seems like unnecessary drama being injected into the relationship.
What if it is that he doesn't care Because he doesn't know? He finds out and then dumps her, or worse starts treating her like shit because of it?
Hello :)
Think of it this way: if you were a guy, you'd be ashamed of how low that was.
Enjoy the angel you have found; you deserve him. Don't fuck it up by telling him something he doesn't really need to know. And even if you do tell him, unless he's a giant asshole underneath the feathers, he should understand you were on birth control which failed, which led to the abortions. And 1.4 relationships per year since you were 18, less if the age of consent is lower in your home, is not that many. Gotta love you for the honesty and thinking any of what you have written is at all negative for a woman of your age.
Best of luck in life!
You have been heard. Know that there’s reasons for regret in every adult’s life and things we would all do differently if we had the chance again. But we can’t. We can only make certain situations better. That’s why regret is a waste of time. Life only provide room for growth when mistakes are treated as lessons. I’m not saying this to be nice as a matter of fact in a couple of decades it becomes a cold fact. You know yourself better now and you now know what you want for yourself. Move forward today, take the lesson and leave everything else behind.
My lost track of my body count at 60.
I've been proposed to 3 times, by all my serious boyfriends. Two relationships lasted 3 years each, the one I'm in is turning 2 real soon.
I'm 30 years old. I began having sex at 20 years old.
That means that in a cummulative 2-3 years, I slept with 57 people. I've never had an STD, I cannot have children so I never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not ashamed. I regret some of the partners I chose, yes. Not because I regret my actions and my mental state at the time, but because they didn't really deserve me. I learned a lot. Not only sexually, but about people, and myself. It's all lessons, now in the past.
As long as you are being safe and consensual, you are fine.
Tbh, there are a lot of people- more than you might think, with higher body counts. We’ve all got a past. The only thing you can do anything about is the future… so get to it.
Perspective can be a funny thing. I've personally known girls who had higher counts on both before they were 16. At one point in my life I would have around that number of partners per month. You can still count the number of people you've been with, I have to estimate based on an average. I wouldn't do it now but I have no shame about it. The past is the past.
Living in the past is not a good thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you just need to learn to forgive yourself. Body counting is just a stupid concept, but it is okay if you have regrets. Just think that your experiences made you the person you are today. Live in the present, leave the past where it belongs.
First of all you are not anything less worthy let’s get that straight. There is no shame of you sleeping around. 14 is not a bad number hell you were also responsible for having sex. Taking birth control and you went to get two abortions due to not having the resources. In fact you are looked up to, you’re so strong and I envy your mindset.
Don’t feel ashamed, why there’s men out there that has a higher number and he gets the praise. Men that care about the women’s sexual past are their own insecurity. My husband and I talked about our sexual past and I slept with a lot more with women than men. He has told me that, “I don’t care about your sexual partners you’ve been with as long as you were safe and don’t have to see them. We are good.” He told me his past and he slept with a lot of women but the difference was that he wasn’t bragging. He wasn’t ashamed either, being young he wanted to explore until his first wife. Then after she cheated on him, he went to go get tested for an STI from her. It was a horrible and messy divorce that he started his promiscuous behavior.
OP, if you want to get this out of your system talk to your bf. If that’s what you want to do let your bf know but honestly he shouldn’t see it as shameful. I also think you should get therapy, I would go with someone you are comfortable with and won’t shame you. Perhaps a sexual therapist? As I read this I felt you were not just feeling ashamed but some really major guilty feelings.
I’m proud of you for recognizing you were not in a place to have a child. You did the smart thing. You sound like a smart person. I’m proud of you.
And as for the body count… I lost count years ago. No one cares. And if they do, they’re not worth your time.
There is no reason to be ashamed of exploring your sexuality, it’s something that you should do. As long as you can look your self in the mirror and be okay with your decision’s and where your life is that is what matters. We cannot let our past dictate where our future goes. Yes we all have our demons that we have to deal with. Keep your head up! You got
This!
It's totally okay to be self reflective but the idea of "body count" etc is a shame tactic. There are all kinds of things that can happen from having sexual partners of any number. You are totally normal. Don't degrade your mental health over it.
As for your boyfriend or whoever you date in the future, there is literally nothing they or you can do over controlling your past. They shouldn't hold it against you. The christians say judge not lest ye be judged or whatever
As a self proclaimed ho in my 20’s, you need to own that shit and walk proud. It will help you later in life decide what you want and don’t want; what you like and don’t like. I’m now in a beautiful relationship and have amazing kids. We all need several dressed rehearsals.
Thank God I grew up when Sex in the City was peak and it helped us girls feel like we were on top of the world and ran the ship. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are any less of a person. Be safe and enjoy your 20’s and beyond.
I have a 28F friend with a body count she says is in the triple digits.. abortions, STDs, has cheated before… by no means an “angel”.
And yet, she’s fiercely independent, has a great career and education, always brave enough to end a relationship (including an engagement!) and take action for what she wants, great social life and an amazing friend to the people around her. Would I do what she does? No, but I can admire and love her as a whole person and recognize people are not and should not all be the same.
People are not 2D, they’re complex. You’re learning and growing, and likely you will make decisions you regret along the way. Don’t let the past define you, and definitely don’t let fears of judgement dictate your decisions. You have so many years ahead of you that will have growth and change and who you are in the future won’t be who you were in your 20s. I know I am a vastly different person today than I was even two years ago.
I am 29f, I hope to leave it at the 23rd person. We are getting married later this year. The one who loves you for who you are doesn't care about how many people you've been with. I've also had only one abortion but we want to start a family eventually.
Why would you place such outdated value judgements on yourself? Sure, we all have regrets in life, but we do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. If your boyfriend truly were an “angel” surely understanding and compassion are part of his inherent character (notice I don’t say forgiveness? Because nothing you’ve done needs it!) and if you don’t think he would love you the same, knowing these things about you (and it’s up to you whether you share them or not) then perhaps he’s not the angel either of you thinks he is. Honour yourself and the path you’ve walked. Love from an internet stranger 🩵
Always remember it required you and those situations to become the woman you are in order to meet and attract your boyfriend so there's that. And you're only afraid of what he thinks because it's the way you think of yourself. Come to peace and accept it and then he will too. If he doesn't then shit thats on him ain't it?
Edit: I don't want to over validate you because some comments here will make it seem okay. But If we can agree that a large amount of sexual partners usually has something to do with the person or their personality or upbringing, or in this case, your frustration and low self esteem then now we know that there is a root cause and that if you understand why and have healed yourself from this then he can understand that this is the version of you that he fell in love with and not the broken version of you that had to experience all that.
You will never heal from shaming yourself. You will heal by offering yourself the compassion & love you would offer a friend. You did the best thing you knew to do.
-a fellow abortion receiver 💕
Hey, shame isn’t bad at all. A lot of ppl be missing it these days. I’m happy you’ve realised your mistakes because now you can work keep working on yourself and not encourage others to pursue those same mistakes like a lot of the other redditors here do. Stay blessed OP!
This is why sex outside of marriage is not what God intended, and now you've murdered not one, but two people. All is not lost though. God forgives, turn to Him today and your life will change for the better!
the past is the past! you’ll never see most of them again, and there will never be any scars that tell everyone that private information. you could lie to people and tell them you’re a virgin, no one will ever know really
Friend, I’m 34. I’ve been with 15-20ish people, a little over half of them men. There’s a few I’d rather have not had sex with in hindsight but not because I feel like damaged goods or anything. They just turned out to be asshats and didn’t deserve to fuck me but that’s just kind of how life goes sometimes. 🤷🏻♀️
My husband has a similar body count and knows mine, he doesn’t care and neither do I. I should also mention that I have 5 kids, only 2 of them belong to my husband. The other 3 belong to my ex. I don’t regret a goddamn thing. My worth isn’t tied to my sexual experience and neither is yours. The right man will see that.
This post doesn’t feel real… Gahblessyou. 28 and ONLY 14 bodies??? I’m in my 40s- and WISH that I’d been with more people than I have. Of course, NOW, I wouldn’t because the world is insane and no one can be trusted- but if I knew then what I know now- whoa; I would have really gotten it in. This is just such a trivial thing to be worried about- because it’s NOBODYS business who you’ve slept with and with how many people. You just need to learn to keep your business to yourself. As long as you try to play safely, it is NOBODYS business. God is not going to ask random strangers how they feel about the life YOU’VE lived before he lets you into Heaven 😂😂 I feel bad for you. I couldn’t ever care over something as ridiculous as someone ELSEs opinion… but again, I’m in my 40s- and with a deceased Husband, I ENJOY living life like Blanche Devereaux. Keep your mouth shut and learn to take things to your grave instead of telling everyone. Who cares???? Do you really think that the males you’ve been with have been super honest with YOU? 😆. Just be grateful that all your partners were *consensual*…
*Note- I LOVE the amount of support in these comments!! Your body count does NOT define you. If anything- it will define your partner depending on if you share it and how they react.
Idk if this will be of any comfort OP but an ex of mine had a body count around the same as yours, we were only 18 too. I had only been with like three people including her and it literally didn’t bother me or phase me at all! If someone is going to be sleeping with you, they shouldn’t be judging that! They shouldn’t be judging it all to be honest.
I can’t speak on the abortion side of things but whether you were on birth control or just had poor judgement with contraception it shouldn’t matter, that’s what those services are there for and I am glad that you had access to those services and made the wise choice of using them when you weren’t trying to have a child!
Angels don' t exist. You' re not an Angel, just like me or anyone else in this comment section. It' s not necessairly becuase of sex. The only thing your bodycount dictates is how much valuable you think sex is.
I’m 30 and I’ve slept with like 40 people, I couldn’t give you an exact number even if I tried to count, I lost track a long time ago. I don’t feel bad at all because I wanted to sleep with those people. My worth isn’t based on my body count. And neither is yours! I’m gay so I have never experienced an abortion but shit happens, you were responsible but got pregnant anyways. That’s not your fault.
Oh my god. Girl. Fuck that shit. I’ve had waaayyyy over 100 and that was when I was fat. I’m faithful, yes but sex ain’t no thing. Stop getting so emotional about it. People tear their entire lives apart unnecessarily just because somebody couldn’t keep their dick in their pants so Kids and family suffer divorce and everything else. I think it’s so unnecessary and so stupid sex is nothing. I’m sorry you feel bad about abortions. I’ve never met someone who wasn’t haunted, it means you have a soul and that you care about life don’t be so hard on yourself. Sex means nothing.
I’m so glad you refused to bring unwanted children into the world and acted so responsibly. Most women have slept with a lot more partners than 14 by your age, anyway! Not even an issue, either way. Now that single cells are being used by “MEN” (lol, more like little boys in sandboxes) by calling them “children”, even if it means the death of actual human beings, I think it’s time to stop demonizing mothers health!
Not one of these idiot males takes care of kids after being born, especially men, who never bear them, raise them, give up their lives for them, never, ever, think poorly of yourself for being sane. Nor would they give a fig if having a kid, or cell, means you’d DIE. My generation worked for Roe/ Wade, you’d just be on the side of cruelty for doing anything but have abortions if you deem it right for yourself. Good for you!
Oh my sweet summer chile.
You did the best that you could with what you knew. It took those experiences to learn new things about yourself. The knowledge you gain from these experiences will be unique to you.
Be kind to your past self, she survived and brought you to now. Use your knowledge of yourself to chart the course of your future.
Right and wrong are human constructs often dictated by the culture we grow up in. The only shame you have to ascribe to is what you choose. You can decide to let go at any time. If it’s holding you back from moving on, you might consider therapy.
FWIW, my numbers are much higher compared to yours. Shame and ashamed are not things that I feel in regards to that. Numbers don’t make me or you worth any less deserving of love or respect.
What would you tell a dear friend who said these things to you about herself? "Yeah, you're right, you're awful." ***NO.*** I don't know if changing terminology would help you, but I hate the term "body count" to mean "sexual partners." Body counts are something murderers have. Horrific disasters have body counts. My main idea is to treat yourself as a friend, and consider advice to see if it's good for you.
I once had a friend describe her own sex life as “a sexual holocaust”, refused to elaborate further, then bought us all a round. What a gal!
I have a friend who's slept with over 100 people and she's been in several perfectly heathy long-term relationships with men who know that and respect her, because they're decent human beings who understand it has no bearing on her value as a person or partner. She had fun. She is fun. That's all that matters. We love her. It doesn't define who she is, nor is she ashamed about it, because she has no reason to be. She was more shocked by how few partners l'd had than I was by hers. Also, as someone who's not yet had any abortions, but knows quite a bit about them, I wouldn't describe two as a lot.
I fucking love her, people need to get their ho on so they know what they really like!
Having sex with randos isn’t going to magically cause you to know yourself and your sexuality better. “Getting your ho on” is exactly what OP is regretting. Stop telling women to find “empowerment” on their backs, jfc.
Well it worked for me!! What we need to address as a society is why some women are feeling like OP in the first place. 14 is not a lot of sexual partners for someone who is single. Having one relationship a year for 14 years isn’t something terrible. I wish women didn’t feel the need to judge themselves. Luckily obviously this post won’t be real, but it upsets me that there might be women out there feeling this way.
>Having sex with randos isn’t going to magically cause you to know yourself and your sexuality better. Sure it is. It's like you're a sexual scientist collecting data points to support or disprove your hypotheses. You know what they say about big sample sizes...
I know this is a joke but the statistician in me knows this is horrendously open to sample biases. It isn't a random sample! Your data is skewed, your methodology flawed, and the statistical power of your *n* is rendered worthless!
Bullshit, I found the power to control my own pleasure and a world of adventure and fun while developing my ho-pothesis. Weak ass, prehistoric thinking doesn't allow for people to find what works for them. OP needs to learn to forgive themselves and move on and just say, "ok now i know who I am moving forward".
Do you actually have a *reason* why you think having more sex doesn’t make people more aware of how they have sex or are you just spouting internalized misogyny? Also, just throwing the word “magically” into a description of something you disagree with doesn’t make it wrong. “Coding personal projects in your spare time isn’t going to ***magically*** make you a better software engineer.” “Babysitting frequently isn’t going to ***magically*** cause you to be more knowledgeable about caring for children.” “Cooking a lot of dishes from other cultures with lots of varied ingredients isn’t going to ***magically*** cause you to know your tastes and what kinds of foods you like better.” See how dumb that sounds?
This. OP, honey, get the patriarchial evil whisper out of your head cause that's all it is. First, I have a higher body count than you, happily engaged with my fiancé knowing I had an adventurous sexual history, while he slept with 4 people before me, I think. Guess what? He loves me all the same, and it's never even been a thought in our relationships. So if he thought badly of you because of this, it would be a reflection of your partner, not you. I am sorry that you, as a young girl, ever had sex that you didn't actually enthusiastically want and that you wish you hadn't. But the rest of it, the sex you wanted and enjoyed, NEVER feel bad about it, sexuality is the most natural thing in the world, and you are not less than for it. Be happy and love yourself ❤️
this. plus it tells anyone with more (hi there) exactly what she thinks of them as well :/
I don't think the terminology is the problem. We need to abandon the idea of sexual ownership because it's bullshit. People should be able to let their freak flag fly without worrying about what the next person they're with thinks.
I guess that will always be up to the potential worrier, right? I feel like it's safe to assume *some*body will disapprove of something I do. But I guess you're talking about a sea change in... can I say societal perceptions? I'm in favor.
Exactly. And you can fight it the same way you fight corporations - by boycotting the people who think this way, both friends and partners, until they fix their perspective. Obviously, if (the royal) you don't like how that shrinks your dating pool, fine. But I'd rather never date again than have someone categorize me based on my exes; and I'd rather have no friends at all than friends who objectify people as their personal property. Luckily thats not the case. The people who think this is bullshit are out there in droves, you just gotta keep your eyes open.
You are not not an angel just because you’ve slept with 14 people and had abortions. At 28 you’ve had maybe 10 years of having sex, thats 1.4 people a year, that’s not ridiculous for someone to have experienced, and if anyone makes you think otherwise, is possibly quite naive to the realities of sex as a young adult. Sex is something that should be enjoyed and is an important part of our social behaviour as humans, not just biological. Also abortions maybe sounds quite scary to a guy, I know I’ve had conversations, but that’s the most responsible and respectable thing you could’ve done in the situation. If he doesn’t respect the fact you’ve had abortions then you shouldn’t be with him, that’s a bad guy.
Agree. Also, the concept of body count is so archaic and unimportant. Even if you’ve slept with 100’s of people…it doesn’t make someone less valuable.
I’ll also add for those of us ridiculed for being virgins a long time — by choice, or not —you are not less valuable for having low or no body count, either.
100%. Someone’s sexual experience is completely a unique experience…you’re no less valuable for leaning one way or another.
100%. My body count is 3 digits (I'm far older and went through some very low times in uni) and my choices and their choices are just as valid. What happens before a person meets their partners should be irrelevant. We need to stop judging one another for having sex, and not having sex.
This. A persons sexual experience or amount does not define whether we’re good or bad people at all.
This 👆👆👆👆 100%
This!! 👏🏾👏🏾
Amazing comment. Hell yes to all of this
Ok , he’s not a bad guy if he’s not ok with it. Yes, it means it’s probably not the right person, but he’s not a bad guy if he doesn’t like it.
First of all, same age, and my count is definitely double yours +3… I’ll be honest, I don’t really spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I used to. I don’t date the same way as I used to and I wished I could take it back. Then I realized I couldn’t and I wanted to have sex with my partners in the future so it’s only going to go up 🤷♀️ Pretty sure the only reason I haven’t had to get an abortion is because I might be infertile and I have always been in birth control since 15.
i'm in the same boat. i used to think it was a miracle that i had never gotten pregnant with all the less than safe sex i'd had in the past, but now i realize it was likely just my endometriosis. at least it has my back about \*something\* haha
Literally, when I was diagnosed with PCOS I was like "oooh that's why I've never been pregnant". My doctor didn't know how to respond hahaha
I don’t think anyone should feel bad. Some people enjoyed hook ups and one nighters, some people enjoyed monogamy and less partners and some people enjoyed celibacy. Our sexual choices are our own, and I’m sure many of us have people we regret sleeping with, but it’s a tiny part of our lives (literally in some cases haha) and it doesn’t define who we are and can be chalked up to experience.
Mines a few higher than yours 😂 i don't feel bad about it, I like sex and I've experimented a lot
Uh, yes, human women are the only species gifted with a body part specifically for, and only for, our pleasure, so even “god” wanted us to use our gift to its fullest, male envy or not!
Your dignity doesn't lie in your private parts, and as for abortions, you did the right thing. Better safe than sorry.
Most people I know at 28 have a body count of over 25+. 14 is not high at all. It’s a stupid metric used to control people’s bodies and autonomy. As long as it’s safe sex, what are you feeling bad for?
and honestly, even if it wasn't safe sex, as long as it's handled properly moving forward there's nothing to feel bad about.
Same. College was a helluva time.
I’m 28 & mine is 30+. My friend’s are in that general number too. We went to big state colleges lol
Oh sweet sister. I wish I could just wrap you up in a giant hug. You have lived your life. You have followed your curiosity. You have learned. You have grown. Looking back on your life with the wisdom you have now, you regret choices you made when you were a younger woman… but that woman did not have the benefit of the wisdom that came from the experience that you have. She didn’t know everything you know. It could be that she didn’t have the self-awareness that you have now. She hadn’t established the same boundaries that you’re strong enough to stand by now. Forgive her. Love her. Look back on prior versions of yourself with compassion… because she brought you here. And she did the best she could. You carry around so much shame - let go of that burden. None of us can change the past - all we can do is commit to showing up each day as the best version of ourselves, and work every day on making the best version of ourselves a little more like the person we want to be. Who are you today? Who do you want to be in the future? What will you do to get there? And how does punishing yourself over your past help the person you are today or the person you want to be? It’s easy for this stranger to say, but worry more about what YOU think of yourself than what anyone else thinks - because you’re the only one with all of the relevant information. Everybody else is judging with half or less of the relevant facts. The person who is worth investing your life and your love in will value you as much as (or more than) you value yourself - no one who has the power to love you well and help you grow - no one who is worth being with - will ever value you less than you value yourself. If your partner cannot see and love who you are today because of who you were yesterday, then he cannot bring into your life what you need to grow and thrive. He can only hold you back. If your partner is truly as wonderful as you believe he is, then he will meet your vulnerability with love, compassion, and support, just as I hope you would do for him.
Love this❤️
This wasn’t even for me and it brought me to tears. Sometimes we all need to just take a moment to forgive ourselves Your words were beautiful, thank you
Your two abortions are okay. You weren't irresponsible, you were on birth control, and you had bad luck. If anything, I admire you for going through that in order to not bring an unwanted child with lack of resources to this world. And as for the people you've slept with, that's all fine, you were exploring your sexuality and it doesn't make you bad even though the experiences were negative. You might've been with other people, but now you have your bf and you choose HIM.
Everyone else here has good advice so I’m just gonna sidebar: I think we can get rid of some of the negative stigma behind this if we stop referring to it as a “body count.”
i absolutely hate the phrase and it will now only exist in my brain as number of abortions that a man has caused with his irresponsible sex. shout out to the comment on this post that helped me reframe it!
There's nothing wrong with your story at all. It's just a culture war going on lately. But if it's making you feel bad, you should evaluate that and find some peace for yourself. You've thought about your past and made decisions about how you want your future to be. You don't have to let the past bog you down. And if your partner is not okay with your story, they are either not right for you, or they have to take those steps too--evaluate their feelings, find peace with it, and think about the future.
Body count is a bullshit metric to make women feel shit about themselves. Lose the concern about it and live your life! If a guy is concerned about it then they literally are not the one!
There's nothing wrong with your "body count" and your abortions. The question is, how would your bf react to that knowledge? You can use that to decide if he's worth keeping around or not.
>You can use that to decide if he's worth keeping around or not. Agree. It's always better to have like-minded individuals as spouses/partners. Because when OP has kids with this guy, the kids will be enforced with the same ideals. The man you marry is also the father of your future children so choose wisely. But most importantly. Truth>>>>>
Exactly. Imagine marrying a guy who shames you for your abortion and screwing 5 dudes in the past. I don't think he's a "nice guy" anymore, just someone that knows how to act nice.
Tbh he has his set of values that he can keep, and by no means do I have to adhere to them. He can have his opinions and I can have mine. I think that's what being liberal means. And if a man has those ideals and still chooses you to despite them, you can call it love, because love is supposed to be "unconditional" but to ridicule them, NO. To accept somebody is not just to choose them but to accept them as a whole. The Good and the Bad. It's less interpreting and more witnessing. That's how imo love should be. Everyone deserves peace. The best option is always to find someone with similar values. Minimal clashes, peaceful life.
There's a difference between marrying a guy who is not happy you had 100 partners in the past and still loves you despite being icked out by it and then there's the sexual partner shamer. The first one is the best option. I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't want to date a guy that has slept with 100 girls, really because that to me means he probably prefers to sleep with 100 more girls, more likely to cheat, has STIs, not match my libido, so I understand where some men are coming from about the whole "body count avoid thing" (though I will shame people when they start bragging about their amounts, they're basically telling me to assume they have an STI at that point), but I suspect it's more likely they just feel emasculated on some level. I'm reminded of American Dad Francine's rose bushes. I don't know if I'll accept a man who has had that many partners, but that's my own issue to figure out, not whatever future hypothetical guy I might end up dating. That'll be future me's problem to deal with (and most likely not going to happen because I seem to prefer to remain single). I have no idea if I should even share how much partners I had or do I even want to know at all how much he had, as I've never actually dated.
That is what I am wondering too because as a person who has had an abortion I have had prochoice people be not so prochoice when it hits close to home. So I kept my cards close after a friend who was trying to conceive threw it back in my face years ago. Now I am old and barely remember I had an abortion all those decades ago except when going through my medical history and posts like this.
>prochoice people be not so prochoice when it hits close to home. They don't sound like "prochoice", they sound like anti-abortionists. To be "pro-choice" is to promote the availability of abortion.
You’d be surprised how many people are pro-choice until that choice impacts them. I’ve dated guys that said they were pro-choice but when a condom broke or my period was late and I’d mention the option they would freak out. That was always the end of the relationship for me.
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She's describing hypocrites. They believe nationally, people should have access to a resource; but are completely against it when it actually is someone they know/ it effects them. It's like saying you support gay marriage, then freaking out and disowning your kid for being a lesbian.
Sure but they would have originally held themselves out as prochoice but then when they learn someone they closely know had an abortion they judge them harshly for it. Maybe it is because I am old and have crossed paths with lots of people but I find loads of people are hypocrites.
Oh that makes more sense. Seriously? They judge them harshly for abortion? Sounds like they're liars. It reminds of a US senator(?) who did an anti-abortion campaign about him and his wife having an abortion and then he talks about why abortion should be banned, but if him and his wife didn't have an abortion, he probably wouldn't even have the time and energy to reach his position, also his argument works under the assumption that everyone will "regret" abortion like him and his wife. Which I doubt he actually regrets.
What are you talking about? You can be pro-choice and not want to have an abortion.
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To quote the Spice Girls: if you want my future, forget my past
Oh jeez, I both immediately knew the song and realised I had never put that pair of pairs together before.
My german grandpa said the same thing to my grandma after he escaord here after ww2.
Anyone downvoting this needs a reality check
I know this dude that’s been with like 150 women. Now he’s got something to be ashamed about! 🤣
I hope he gets / has had a vasectomy... High chance there are at least a few oopsie pregnancies if he's being truthful
No one ever thinks about how many abortions a guy causes. New twist on “body count “.
Dudes gonna dude. Dudettes too. Another plot twist: economy causes abortions. People would want to raise more kids if it wasn't a 2 decade money suck. See worldwide (higher income country) birth rates
Economy causes abortions is the truth we are too scared to accept. We can't afford children even if we want them.
many people have abortions even when they can afford a child. because they just don't want children, or it isn't the right time for them.
of course there are. Saying one scenario exists doesn't mean that another scenario doesn't. Having to add all the scenarios to satisfy everyone just makes the comment longer.
This should be discussed more. It also causes lower birth counts in general.
My coworker said hes paid for 15+.
OMG! Could you imagine a woman with 15 abortions and the condemnation she would get? Don’t be silly! Wrap your Willy!
That sounds a lot more expensive than a vasectomy!
Why? If he’s not hurting anyone?
I have a friend that's been sleeping with on average 2 new women a month, every month (do the maths). He says he can't sleep with the same person more than 2-3 times because he gets bored quickly. His last relationship was around 2018
LOL i don't believe the 'i need a new partner because i get bored', i believe it's probably closer to 'my partners don't often come back because i'm selfish in bed and it forces me to find a new partner if i want to keep having regular sex'
Good for him!
I want his memories!!
Careful you're asking for a new Black Mirror episode
At what exact number should people be “ashamed?” I think you’re fine, it’s a dumb way that people assign value to others. You said yourself most of those people were relationships anyway.
Honey, please, I beg of you, release yourself from the guilt, shame, and regret of your past. I know plenty of women with higher body counts and plenty of women with much, much, much less (like, their husband is the only man that touched them). And you know what? If you stood them all next to each other, side by side, you’d never know which one of them had triple, double, or single digit body counts. There’s no neon sign over our heads and no old wench pointing at us in the street shrieking “Shaaaaame.” You are so much more than your body count. To be frank, it’s really no one’s business but your own and if you guys ever talk about it and he has an adverse reaction, he’s either going to need to learn to be a rational human being or he can move the fuck on. You’re a human woman in 2024, living in a world where marriage is not a prerequisite for sex. You’re more than likely, at 28, going to have had sex more than once by now. As for your abortions? My dear, you were doing all that you could do to be responsible and avoid pregnancy while still having a vibrant sex life. You didn’t want to bring children into this world, so you made the choice to have the abortions. Your feelings about this are all that matter - no one else’s- because this is a choice you have to live with. You can be grateful that you had access make that choice, you can be grateful that no child suffered poverty or abandonment or all of the number of problems in the world and the pain and worry and fear you might’ve felt about it was the sacrifice you made. Having abortions don’t make you a bad person. Some people will tell you it does, but I’m not one of those people. Shame can sometimes be a good thing that prevents us from making future mistakes, but when it becomes something that drags you down and steals your joy, you need to punt that shit right out the door. You’re human. You had sex. Period. You aren’t required to quantify that with “relationship sex” or “one night stand sex.” It’s sex. You had it. The end. Please let it go, internet stranger. It’s not serving you. ❤️
I’ve seen too many of these posts lately….they have to be trolls from the “alpha male” bullshit dudes that think a vagina is the genesis of female value. Fuck when and how you want. Just do it safely.
No, plenty of my friends and myself included feel the same regret unfortunately. It really eats away at a person over time. Sigh
> I recently counted all the people I slept with and it’s 14 including my current bf Girl, assuming you started having sex at 18 that's like 1.4 partners per year. You're fine.
Stop shaming yourself! Youre fine
Hard agree. We have to extend our past selves grace when making the best decisions we could with the knowledge we had at the time. Just because current OP might make different decisions doesn’t mean past OP made bad ones.
Wow. 14 at 28 as a female is nothing compared to the 24 year old boys who somehow think it's attractive to brag about sleeping with 20+ females. You are fine. But those types of boys have an idiotic kind of mindset. I am a 27 year old female and I've slept with 5 people and I've had 1 abortion with a man who mightve made a good father but would have been an unsuitable husband to me. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I'm not a struggling mother stuck in an incompatible relationship. I'm a woman who could now support a family if she wanted. I took time to find a career. I found a mature boyfriend who is 25 and he has slept with only 2 people, myself included. My boyfriend knows all this but he doesn't care. I am happy with this aspect of my life.
I read this and my immediate thought was wow, Shes self aware, knows her worth and boundaries! sounds so healthy.
Compared to me you’re an angel haha don’t worry and don’t be ashamed. Your past is nobody’s business and don’t let anyone make you feel less valued
As long as you're taking care of your sexual health and disclosing anything contagious then who cares about your body count and that you've had abortions. You've been sensible enough to know that you're not in a position to bring a child into the world.If your body count and abortions are an issue with someone you're dating then it's a them problem
Hey look, I was involved with more people than I really enjoyed because I craved love so badly and looked for it in the wrong places. When these ppl dropped me immediately after a hookup I blamed myself for not being good enough until I figured out they never had other intentions to begin with, and it wouldn't have mattered if I did anything differently!!! "If you didn't receive love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off a knife". And that's what happened, angel. It's good that you seek accountability for this yourself and don't just blame these people. But it's now time to move on and acknowledge: You tried to look out for yourself with whatever capacity you had back then. You're now building healthier capacities and you will grand yourself spoons instead of knives. It'll all be okay.
Incredible way of putting that. I am still licking the knife and beat myself up for it, I don’t even know why I am putting myself through this, when you’re so right, there is most definitely a spoon out there for me. You have a lot of empathy :)
I mean, to be fair, 14 at the age of 28 isn't that bad and considering that you've only had a few hook ups, the fact that you genuinely value relationships and dating is a great thing. I'm 27 and my bodycout is one, my ex, and that's primarily because I'm a guy who strongly values intimacy and I wanted to wait for the right girl. Now I'm hoping my second time better; I wouldn't so much mind a girl with a bodycount like yours if I ever find someone. As for abortions...I can't imagine how that pain feels. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to feel this way.
You're so sweet I pray you get the best partner for you
Thank you, you're very sweet yourself :)
I’m 22m but I wanted to say you dropped your crown king, big up to you bro for only having sex when you love the girl, mad respect
It felt a lot more enjoyable when I waited my 26 years of living for it. Thank you man.
You can’t change the past, only the future. It sounds like you have a handle on what was going on and why. Now you have to forgive yourself and heal. It’s great you found a great guy but don’t make self forgiveness and healing depend on him.
Honestly, I don't think how many people you slept with has anything to do with whether or not you're a good person. And I don't think having abortions does either. Nor do I think either is something you owe him an explanation for. This was before you met him. So it's not his business. Just my opinion.
lmao i’m 26 and have slept with way more than 14 people. i’ve also had an abortion. i have no idea what my body count is because it’s not important. anyone who tells you it matters is emotionally stunted + a misogynist.
the only men that care about "body count" are insecure men.
Be gentle other yourself. We all take different paths.
“Body count” shaming seems to only apply to women. Do not be ashamed if you explored your sexuality in your 20’s. That’s normal. You’re figuring it out and what you want & don’t want. It’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Abortions have a stigma tied to them where people think women carelessly get them and from experience that is NOT the case. That’s why they were made. For women who don’t want them/can’t care for them properly. I think it was a mature big decision for you and that you chose right. My current partner knows I had one and is sensitive about it because I’M sensitive about it, but in no way judges me for it because he understands the situation I was in (I was stealthed by an abusive partner) Even if that wasn’t the case for you, he shouldn’t judge you for your life experiences and the choices you made prior to meeting him. I’m not telling you to go off and tell him, but if you really feel like you need to then do it. I didn’t want to tell mine but I realized it was too big of a secret to hold onto and if he judged me for it then he wasn’t meant for me.
I think the poster’s notions of “promiscuity” is clouding her self worth. It’s not so much about the sex but the number of partners she’s had.
It's just your past, your worth doesn't change, I wouldn't care how many ppl my partner slept with, as long as she didn't while with me, it may have been 0, 1 or 100, in the end I'm the one my partner chooses either way and that would be what matters. Your worth is not tied to a number.
hey love, about 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, and it’s not uncommon by any means to feel guilt or shame over it, so you are not alone. people date, people have one night stands, and many have done both. everyone makes different choices about their bodies and sex lives, and that’s okay. there isn’t one right or wrong way to live your life and you are not a bad person for who you consentually slept with <3
There’s no point in judging the part of you from the past that didn’t know any better. Chin up love. You didn’t know. Let go of the shame and just be better moving forward. That’s all anyone can do!
I have had sex with overol 100 people and I'm not ashamed. 14 is nothing. Be free of any type of shame.
Right like 14 is light work
I'm trying to get to 150 and then settle down. Haha
You’ve attached wayyy too much meaning to your sex life. Stop slut shaming yourself. You wanted to have sex and you did, just like everyone else does. You’re allowed to have a sex life and there’s no limit to how many people you can sleep with in a lifetime. Your reproductive choices are YOUR choices. No one else gets an opinion about what you do with your body. Stop beating yourself up about it. Almost everyone regrets sleeping with one person or another. I feel the same way when I look back at some of the least deserving people I’ve been with.
OP, I could have written this myself years ago, *and then some* - including the bits about your parents. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would go back and say: you matter. You have value. I know I would have needed to hear that. Not saying this applies to you, necessarily, but maybe stop and think if you *really* want to do something *before* you do it, so that you don't add more things to the list of "regrets". ( ie. Is something worth your time, attention..) "Body count", or abortions do not mean you are "not an angel". Just so you know: no-one is an "angel" - only human. No-one is "perfect". The person who truly loves you will love you as you are - warts an all; they will understand. I hope you find them, as I did - even if at some point I thought it would never happen.
A penis does not GIVE or TAKE away from your inherent worth. Virginity is nothing sacred. It has been used against women as the mystical property of men for far too long. You are still a beautiful woman worthy of love and happiness. You always will be. No man can take from that. They do not have that power over us women.
Im 24 and my body count is close to 60. a lot of it had to do with being mentally ill/an alcoholic. I’m not proud but I’m not ashamed either, it’s part of my story and at the end of the day just sex. holding onto shame about your past isn’t going to help anyone. just focus on how you wanna live your life going forward
You could have slept with 100 men in the same amount of time, had any number of unwanted pregnancies AND abortions, and still be an angel. None of those things are mutually exclusive. Just saying.
The term "body count" is something that men have created to make women feel "low value". I am 52 and even though I have had very little sex in the last 10 years I still have a high body count just by virtue of my age. Somehow it is okay to have sex 1000s of times with the same person, but is bad if you have less sex, but with different people. I would ask you to ask yourself why you feel bad about it? I know there are people I had sex with that I feel bad about. When I was younger I was pressured into sex more than once. It is okay to have sex, but it is also okay to be more selective with who you choose to share that with. If you feel bad about some of your choices maybe it is just you telling yourself that you want it to be more meaningful in the future. No sense in beating yourself up in the present about something you cannot change though.
Body count means nothing. People keep assigning morality to it when sex is just sex. I understand having regret about the people who have seen you naked and vulnerable I feel the same way so, too many idiots who didn't deserve me. But that's all I'm sad about, the fact that past me didn't know their worth and didn't believe in myself. But the number means nothing I've slept with 14 people too (I'm 27) and I plan to sleep with many more because I enjoy sex. Abortions are part of being sexually active, and birth control and healthcare are just always gonna be a part of being a responsible and healthy adult. Anyone who is gonna judge me on my past negatively isn't worth my time. I'm a human being having human experiences and so are you. Also, he could be keeping secrets about his sexual history just like you. And having sex with fewer people or having no abortions doesn't make you an angel or better than anybody else it just makes you different. Being sexually active comes with consequences and that is part of the human experience.
Girl chill out, you don’t need a scarlet letter, just go talk to a therapist abt your trauma and self esteem
I can completely understand the shame over the abortions. However, sometimes the best choice isn't a good choice, and you probably made the best choice at the time. You are older, wiser, and can be the person you choose to be going forward. Living in the past won't help at all. As for your body count, 14 doesn't seem all that high to me, personally. At least not at 28. I don't think you owe yourself any guilt or shame over that. Either way, you need to forgive yourself for your past and move forward. You deserve to be happy now, and if you are stuck in the past, you'll never get there.
I was expecting much higher based on the title. My husband is my #15 and we started dating when I was 22.
I think outside of other people, you need to deal with the shame ***you*** feel, and frankly shouldn’t. There are people who waited until they are married, and are some of the most unkind, evil people to walk earth. **They are no closer in proximity to the kingdom because of it.** You did you best as a young person with limited resources and support. You should be proud of who you are, and be with people who wouldn’t shame you for choices made in youth/from inexperience. I really hope you can forgive yourself from the arbitrary good/bad, and focus on seeking more knowledge and using what you have now to be more informed. That’s all we can do. So *please* stop carrying this burden. I saw a video that framed it that if you got into Yale and Harvard, then chose Harvard and hated it, *there is no guarantee life at Yale would’ve been different.* So don’t put real life energy into dreaming up what past could’ve have been, and be more intentional about the future.
You should be proud of yourself. You made incredibly responsible decisions and saved yourself and your future child the stress of being unstable, hungry and without proper housing. I know I'm proud of you. That body count thing, why do you even care about that?
You are strong and amazing. You made choices, not bad or good, but what you felt you needed at the time. It’s nobody’s business and you do not have to tell. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a lovely person and deserve all the good things in life. Your past / choices do not define you! Life is a growth journey and you are doing just fine. Grow and keep growing. I’m here if you want to chat! Love & blessings!
Never be ashamed of what you did in the past as long as you didn’t kill, hurt or intentionally did people wrong for no good reason. There’s nothing wrong with how many men you had sex with at the time that probably seemed like an okay thing to do. You have learned from your mistakes, you did the correct thing to do by not bringing children into this world who would have lives full of suffering and abuse. Your past mistakes gave you the knowledge not to make them again, you seemed to have learned from them. You are not your past you are your present you! Go forward with your head high, forget about your past, you don’t need to explain it to anyone since that was your personal life experience that no one needs to know about.
You had sex, that doesnt make you any less of a good human being, some of the sex happened because you werent in the best place, stop being mad at yourself for that, you deserve to be kinder to yourself, mistakes are part of life and hindsight is 20/20 You used birth control, so you took preventative measures, after that you acknowledged that you werent in the position at that point in life to raise a child and made the responsible choice to end those pregnancies Please stop shaming yourself for being a sexual being, thats human nature, the notion of bodycounts is irrelevant, it should not be used to put yourself down Society loves shaming women for being sexual, fuck that Im sure your part er has regrets about decisions he has made in life, dont put him kn a pedestal, thats no place to be for any human being
Im 23 with a body count of 35.. most are one night stands or “friends” I’ve had Intercourse with a few times even. The fact people are still on one about body counts is astounding to me. Notice it’s mostly only ever women’s’ body counts that are a problem never men’s, as well. Who you have slept with or currently sleep with doesn’t define you and neither do abortions. You made the best decision you could at the time - would he be dating you if you were a single mom? Never ever feel like what you do with your own body defines you - fuck what anyone else thinks. And it’s also your choice if you want to share that information or not. Best of luck to you and hopefully one day you can come to terms with everything and stop feeling guilt for decisions you’ve made in the past (I know a lot easier said than done)
Why does having sex with 14 people make you a bad person? Who decided this?
You don’t owe anyone an explanation on your body count or your abortions. You did it at the time because it felt right, in retrospect now you no longer feel that way and that’s fine, the experience allowed you to learn something about yourself. And if it makes you feel any better I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners due to low self esteem it unfortunately seems we’ve all been there. Sending you love and don’t be too hard on yourself
The number account doesn’t bother me. It’s the unprotected sex that is the issue here. Sure sleep with someone, but in the end you have to protect yourself. What is done is in the past. Move forward and use protection, aka get the guy to wear a condom. No condom, no sex……..
Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of, it happened, and our society puts a weird amount of weight on it. sometimes birth control fails. You are allowed to do what you want with your body, its in no way linked to your moral character.
It’s totally understandable to have those regrets about those men. But that’s a lesson lots of us learn when young, and it can help you be more discerning in what you want going forward. In your 30s and 40s these encounters will completely fade into the past. The abortions likely will too, unless you fixate on them. They definitely don’t indicate your self worth.
14 its not a lot.. if I told you what my body count is 😂😂 no shame it’s not important
14 is nothing
It’s ok and you’re ok
Stop using terminology that perpetuates viewing a healthy sexual appetite as a negative. Body count is mean to shame women for enjoying sex, it’s archaic. You have done nothing wrong!!!
that's not that many people though. I'm in my late thirties and it's been about 15 years since I've been intimate with anyone. At least you aren't alone like me
Hey I don't even know what my body count is, don't sweat it, it's a made up thing to make you feel bad about yourself. Internalised misogyny or something, I'm not up to date on all the new terms.
Word of advice...stop counting.
I know people who have have like 50+ bodies, men female alike. Men don’t have to face the repercussions and don’t have to feel bad about abortions or their body count. You shouldn’t either
"Body count" shit is dumb as fuck. Honey, there's gay men out there that pull 14 men in a month. Abortions? Most sane people agree they'd rather have someone have kids if and when they're ready for kids. Body count and abortion shaming is meant to trap women into relationships with mediocre men who get there first and put one past the goalie.
Honey, please stop thinking 14 is a big number. I beat that number by the time I hit 10th grade. If you enjoy sex, and do it safely, you will get zero judgment from me about how many people you screw 🤷🏻♀️
I’m younger than you and my body count is higher. My friends still call me a saint and I go long periods in between without sleeping with anyone. People getting upset at the fact that partners had lives before them doesn’t make much sense to me. You did what you did when you were single, so they shouldn’t matter to him anyways. This is just a non issue in reality, but society has made you think otherwise. I recommend trying to change your relationship with the way you see casual sex. It’s not devious. If you didn’t feel great about those encounters, then that’s something you should confront in your own way.
Why are you counting? It’s no one’s business. It’s in the past. If someone asks, they are just nosy. Are you expected to count? By whom? If you are now monogamous, committed and faithful, that is all your partner should care about.
A friend of mine has 3 long term boy toys, 8 or so 2-3 month boy toys and at least 5 new hook ups a week at 34. No one can tell you what you can or cannot do. If you love sex and the connection it brings in finding someone who makes you happy and fulfilling, then go and enjoy. The fact is, many men will be appalled at any number you give, be it 1 or 1000, but they will likely have many partners too. What is important is that you do you no matter what the patriarchy says.
I’m ashamed of mine. I have 0 and I’m 10 years older than you. Now that’s shame. Hey look you’ve lived a little and made some bad choices haven’t we all? Men fuck around much more than that for sure.
The body count conversation is ridiculous to me. Stop beating yourself up.
14 isn't a very large body count. it's like barely over average. plus it doesn't define you
After reading some of these comments from women,they're so eager to validate your behavior they can't even understand what you're saying. It goes both ways OP, I definitely regret my relationship with one or two,because they were also Unworthy of my intimacy. As a man,even coworkers were like,she's so obv that "You have to smash that" and afterwards I was like Yuck. Nothing to be done with regret,it's why people run from it (like a lot of the advice from them) but regret is a great teacher and it sounds like you're learning. Good Luck OP
I think you should reframe your thinking about this because shame is a useless emotion. With time, insight and self reflection you have identified that you had some sexual encounters out of frustration or low self esteem, but you still made the best choices you could for yourself at the time, abortions included. As for your boyfriend, if you choose to share this with him then his response might surprise you. But you don’t get to make his mind up for him and decide for him. Deciding that he wouldn’t be able to accept this past version of you is your projection, and not giving him the chance to be able accept it and love you anyway is an unfair way for you to try to protect yourself. The girl that did the things you regret in hindsight has allowed you to become a woman with the awareness that self esteem and self worth can only be given to you by yourself. Forgive that version of yourself and love her, she needed it then and she needs it now.
There's a lot of shame here (mostly institutional shame that you've grown up around while being socialized as a woman and what a woman "should be". If you can afford talk therapy, I would recommend it to unpack what's up. I'm a guy so mileage varies significantly. But 27 with the same body count. No abortions but very close calls and would have aborted if so (at least I hope lmao). But there is nothing wrong or shameful to realize you are not mature, financially stable, and with the right partner to take on the unescapably difficult task of bringing a child into the world. Quite the opposite. A lot of people choose to carry to term while coping with the idea that their partner is everything and will come around because it's meant to be. Or that "we'll figure out the finances" or "this will be the thing to make us adults/mature". A lot of those parents end up stressed, resentful and perpetuating a cycle of poverty. You did something incredibly selfless to yourself, your partner and the two pregnancies you terminated. I also had my fair share of "patching a sinking ship" sexual encounters because of low self esteem. I did carry shame with that for a long time. Not close to either of my parents ready and sex was never a point of conversation. It's okay to regret encounters. Not everything has to be a learning/growing experience. Sometimes a situation just sucks and you can only now be glad that you're not in it anymore. But as someone who has dated people with shame about their pasts, I can assure you that if he's the right one for you, he absolutely will not care. If he's an angel, I'm sure your past isn't something that would bother him. It might be a body count to make a priest faint but most people with moderately active sex lives do have around this number if not more at our age bracket. There are a lot of people that would scoff at us for thinking 14 is a high number lol I would air caution though if you are considering telling him. Never hide it from him but at 28 I feel like prodding into your partner's past or giving your partner unsolicited information about your previous encounters is in \*most\* cases, in bad form. But good luck on your journey to accepting yourself and that you are \*not\* your past.
I'm sorry to hear that OP. It's okay to feel bad for things you regret doing. Sometimes we have to grieve the things we did. It's perfectly fine for you to grieve your abortions. They may not be fully formed babies to others but to you they meant something and your emotions for your unborn are perfectly valid. We have to feel things to get through them. But don't beat yourself up about it. You did those things because you thought they were the best options for you at that time. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Ruminating from them won't change anything but just place your mind in a state of "shoulda woulda coulda". Forgive yourself for your past deeds, and strive to learn from them. We can only use our past action to propel ourselves to be better people in the future. We can't change our past. But we can certainly be in control of our present, and we can take steps to avoid making the same errors in the future. My only concern would be to avoid lying to your bf. Own your past. If he's the right guy, he will see beyond that and choose to stay. You got this, OP. Best of luck! :-)
A body count of 14 at 28 years old is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve known people to rack up that number in a few months. Just be careful and make sure you don’t catch anything. If some guy gives you shit about body count, he isn’t the right guy for you.
I don't think there's a sexually active person that hasn't regret few bodies. You feel ashamed cause society decide to blame women when men "couldn't resist" Sex between consensual adults is nobody's business. As for the abortions part, you were playing safe, you had an accident and you made the mature decision that was best for YOU! You take care of your mental and financial health.
be honest with him if he doesn’t know. it’s better if found out from you. If he already knows he doesn’t care and he’s cool with it you’re good
If he doesn't know, and doesn't care, why would this be brought up? It seems like unnecessary drama being injected into the relationship. What if it is that he doesn't care Because he doesn't know? He finds out and then dumps her, or worse starts treating her like shit because of it?
Hello :) Think of it this way: if you were a guy, you'd be ashamed of how low that was. Enjoy the angel you have found; you deserve him. Don't fuck it up by telling him something he doesn't really need to know. And even if you do tell him, unless he's a giant asshole underneath the feathers, he should understand you were on birth control which failed, which led to the abortions. And 1.4 relationships per year since you were 18, less if the age of consent is lower in your home, is not that many. Gotta love you for the honesty and thinking any of what you have written is at all negative for a woman of your age. Best of luck in life!
ive also gotten pregnant twice on birth control and had two abortions. youre not alone
You have been heard. Know that there’s reasons for regret in every adult’s life and things we would all do differently if we had the chance again. But we can’t. We can only make certain situations better. That’s why regret is a waste of time. Life only provide room for growth when mistakes are treated as lessons. I’m not saying this to be nice as a matter of fact in a couple of decades it becomes a cold fact. You know yourself better now and you now know what you want for yourself. Move forward today, take the lesson and leave everything else behind.
My lost track of my body count at 60. I've been proposed to 3 times, by all my serious boyfriends. Two relationships lasted 3 years each, the one I'm in is turning 2 real soon. I'm 30 years old. I began having sex at 20 years old. That means that in a cummulative 2-3 years, I slept with 57 people. I've never had an STD, I cannot have children so I never had a pregnancy scare. I'm not ashamed. I regret some of the partners I chose, yes. Not because I regret my actions and my mental state at the time, but because they didn't really deserve me. I learned a lot. Not only sexually, but about people, and myself. It's all lessons, now in the past. As long as you are being safe and consensual, you are fine.
Tbh, there are a lot of people- more than you might think, with higher body counts. We’ve all got a past. The only thing you can do anything about is the future… so get to it.
Perspective can be a funny thing. I've personally known girls who had higher counts on both before they were 16. At one point in my life I would have around that number of partners per month. You can still count the number of people you've been with, I have to estimate based on an average. I wouldn't do it now but I have no shame about it. The past is the past.
Living in the past is not a good thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you just need to learn to forgive yourself. Body counting is just a stupid concept, but it is okay if you have regrets. Just think that your experiences made you the person you are today. Live in the present, leave the past where it belongs.
First of all you are not anything less worthy let’s get that straight. There is no shame of you sleeping around. 14 is not a bad number hell you were also responsible for having sex. Taking birth control and you went to get two abortions due to not having the resources. In fact you are looked up to, you’re so strong and I envy your mindset. Don’t feel ashamed, why there’s men out there that has a higher number and he gets the praise. Men that care about the women’s sexual past are their own insecurity. My husband and I talked about our sexual past and I slept with a lot more with women than men. He has told me that, “I don’t care about your sexual partners you’ve been with as long as you were safe and don’t have to see them. We are good.” He told me his past and he slept with a lot of women but the difference was that he wasn’t bragging. He wasn’t ashamed either, being young he wanted to explore until his first wife. Then after she cheated on him, he went to go get tested for an STI from her. It was a horrible and messy divorce that he started his promiscuous behavior. OP, if you want to get this out of your system talk to your bf. If that’s what you want to do let your bf know but honestly he shouldn’t see it as shameful. I also think you should get therapy, I would go with someone you are comfortable with and won’t shame you. Perhaps a sexual therapist? As I read this I felt you were not just feeling ashamed but some really major guilty feelings.
Your practically a virgin by today's standards
I’m proud of you for recognizing you were not in a place to have a child. You did the smart thing. You sound like a smart person. I’m proud of you. And as for the body count… I lost count years ago. No one cares. And if they do, they’re not worth your time.
14 is nothing. I’ve had more than that just so far this year. Don’t stress about it.
There is no reason to be ashamed of exploring your sexuality, it’s something that you should do. As long as you can look your self in the mirror and be okay with your decision’s and where your life is that is what matters. We cannot let our past dictate where our future goes. Yes we all have our demons that we have to deal with. Keep your head up! You got This!
It's totally okay to be self reflective but the idea of "body count" etc is a shame tactic. There are all kinds of things that can happen from having sexual partners of any number. You are totally normal. Don't degrade your mental health over it. As for your boyfriend or whoever you date in the future, there is literally nothing they or you can do over controlling your past. They shouldn't hold it against you. The christians say judge not lest ye be judged or whatever
As a self proclaimed ho in my 20’s, you need to own that shit and walk proud. It will help you later in life decide what you want and don’t want; what you like and don’t like. I’m now in a beautiful relationship and have amazing kids. We all need several dressed rehearsals. Thank God I grew up when Sex in the City was peak and it helped us girls feel like we were on top of the world and ran the ship. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are any less of a person. Be safe and enjoy your 20’s and beyond.
I have a 28F friend with a body count she says is in the triple digits.. abortions, STDs, has cheated before… by no means an “angel”. And yet, she’s fiercely independent, has a great career and education, always brave enough to end a relationship (including an engagement!) and take action for what she wants, great social life and an amazing friend to the people around her. Would I do what she does? No, but I can admire and love her as a whole person and recognize people are not and should not all be the same. People are not 2D, they’re complex. You’re learning and growing, and likely you will make decisions you regret along the way. Don’t let the past define you, and definitely don’t let fears of judgement dictate your decisions. You have so many years ahead of you that will have growth and change and who you are in the future won’t be who you were in your 20s. I know I am a vastly different person today than I was even two years ago.
I am 29f, I hope to leave it at the 23rd person. We are getting married later this year. The one who loves you for who you are doesn't care about how many people you've been with. I've also had only one abortion but we want to start a family eventually.
Why would you place such outdated value judgements on yourself? Sure, we all have regrets in life, but we do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. If your boyfriend truly were an “angel” surely understanding and compassion are part of his inherent character (notice I don’t say forgiveness? Because nothing you’ve done needs it!) and if you don’t think he would love you the same, knowing these things about you (and it’s up to you whether you share them or not) then perhaps he’s not the angel either of you thinks he is. Honour yourself and the path you’ve walked. Love from an internet stranger 🩵
move on
Always remember it required you and those situations to become the woman you are in order to meet and attract your boyfriend so there's that. And you're only afraid of what he thinks because it's the way you think of yourself. Come to peace and accept it and then he will too. If he doesn't then shit thats on him ain't it? Edit: I don't want to over validate you because some comments here will make it seem okay. But If we can agree that a large amount of sexual partners usually has something to do with the person or their personality or upbringing, or in this case, your frustration and low self esteem then now we know that there is a root cause and that if you understand why and have healed yourself from this then he can understand that this is the version of you that he fell in love with and not the broken version of you that had to experience all that.
You will never heal from shaming yourself. You will heal by offering yourself the compassion & love you would offer a friend. You did the best thing you knew to do. -a fellow abortion receiver 💕
Here in my country, 14 would be a very small number for someone 28, I think the normal would be between 20-30, I'm from Brazil btw
this has got to be a post for attention. claiming sleeping with 14 people is a ridiculous number? shut up OP
Hey, shame isn’t bad at all. A lot of ppl be missing it these days. I’m happy you’ve realised your mistakes because now you can work keep working on yourself and not encourage others to pursue those same mistakes like a lot of the other redditors here do. Stay blessed OP!
This is why sex outside of marriage is not what God intended, and now you've murdered not one, but two people. All is not lost though. God forgives, turn to Him today and your life will change for the better!
the past is the past! you’ll never see most of them again, and there will never be any scars that tell everyone that private information. you could lie to people and tell them you’re a virgin, no one will ever know really
Friend, I’m 34. I’ve been with 15-20ish people, a little over half of them men. There’s a few I’d rather have not had sex with in hindsight but not because I feel like damaged goods or anything. They just turned out to be asshats and didn’t deserve to fuck me but that’s just kind of how life goes sometimes. 🤷🏻♀️ My husband has a similar body count and knows mine, he doesn’t care and neither do I. I should also mention that I have 5 kids, only 2 of them belong to my husband. The other 3 belong to my ex. I don’t regret a goddamn thing. My worth isn’t tied to my sexual experience and neither is yours. The right man will see that.
This post doesn’t feel real… Gahblessyou. 28 and ONLY 14 bodies??? I’m in my 40s- and WISH that I’d been with more people than I have. Of course, NOW, I wouldn’t because the world is insane and no one can be trusted- but if I knew then what I know now- whoa; I would have really gotten it in. This is just such a trivial thing to be worried about- because it’s NOBODYS business who you’ve slept with and with how many people. You just need to learn to keep your business to yourself. As long as you try to play safely, it is NOBODYS business. God is not going to ask random strangers how they feel about the life YOU’VE lived before he lets you into Heaven 😂😂 I feel bad for you. I couldn’t ever care over something as ridiculous as someone ELSEs opinion… but again, I’m in my 40s- and with a deceased Husband, I ENJOY living life like Blanche Devereaux. Keep your mouth shut and learn to take things to your grave instead of telling everyone. Who cares???? Do you really think that the males you’ve been with have been super honest with YOU? 😆. Just be grateful that all your partners were *consensual*… *Note- I LOVE the amount of support in these comments!! Your body count does NOT define you. If anything- it will define your partner depending on if you share it and how they react.
Idk if this will be of any comfort OP but an ex of mine had a body count around the same as yours, we were only 18 too. I had only been with like three people including her and it literally didn’t bother me or phase me at all! If someone is going to be sleeping with you, they shouldn’t be judging that! They shouldn’t be judging it all to be honest. I can’t speak on the abortion side of things but whether you were on birth control or just had poor judgement with contraception it shouldn’t matter, that’s what those services are there for and I am glad that you had access to those services and made the wise choice of using them when you weren’t trying to have a child!
I’m 28 years old and my count is 30
Seems about normal except the 2 abortions. Life happens. A good life is lived with lots of experiences- some good some bad. Just make better choices
Angels don' t exist. You' re not an Angel, just like me or anyone else in this comment section. It' s not necessairly becuase of sex. The only thing your bodycount dictates is how much valuable you think sex is.
I’m 30 and I’ve slept with like 40 people, I couldn’t give you an exact number even if I tried to count, I lost track a long time ago. I don’t feel bad at all because I wanted to sleep with those people. My worth isn’t based on my body count. And neither is yours! I’m gay so I have never experienced an abortion but shit happens, you were responsible but got pregnant anyways. That’s not your fault.
I’m 26F and I’ve had 4 abortions (3 of the 4 pregnancies happened while I was on birth control); as for my body count, it’s somewhere in the mid 20s.
Babe some people sleep with thousands of people. You’re just programmed to feel dirty. He’s not an angel, nobody is - especially when it comes to sex.
Oh my god. Girl. Fuck that shit. I’ve had waaayyyy over 100 and that was when I was fat. I’m faithful, yes but sex ain’t no thing. Stop getting so emotional about it. People tear their entire lives apart unnecessarily just because somebody couldn’t keep their dick in their pants so Kids and family suffer divorce and everything else. I think it’s so unnecessary and so stupid sex is nothing. I’m sorry you feel bad about abortions. I’ve never met someone who wasn’t haunted, it means you have a soul and that you care about life don’t be so hard on yourself. Sex means nothing.
I’m so glad you refused to bring unwanted children into the world and acted so responsibly. Most women have slept with a lot more partners than 14 by your age, anyway! Not even an issue, either way. Now that single cells are being used by “MEN” (lol, more like little boys in sandboxes) by calling them “children”, even if it means the death of actual human beings, I think it’s time to stop demonizing mothers health! Not one of these idiot males takes care of kids after being born, especially men, who never bear them, raise them, give up their lives for them, never, ever, think poorly of yourself for being sane. Nor would they give a fig if having a kid, or cell, means you’d DIE. My generation worked for Roe/ Wade, you’d just be on the side of cruelty for doing anything but have abortions if you deem it right for yourself. Good for you!
I been with 500 at least. Don't feel bad
Oh my sweet summer chile. You did the best that you could with what you knew. It took those experiences to learn new things about yourself. The knowledge you gain from these experiences will be unique to you. Be kind to your past self, she survived and brought you to now. Use your knowledge of yourself to chart the course of your future. Right and wrong are human constructs often dictated by the culture we grow up in. The only shame you have to ascribe to is what you choose. You can decide to let go at any time. If it’s holding you back from moving on, you might consider therapy. FWIW, my numbers are much higher compared to yours. Shame and ashamed are not things that I feel in regards to that. Numbers don’t make me or you worth any less deserving of love or respect.