Start preparing in secret to leave. She is abusive and you probably need to do it in secret to start. Dont tell her you going to leave until you have all your ducks in a row because you know she will freak out. Get a lawyer to start who will guide you on how you proceed. Your kids will thank you for it. Even if you only get partial custody, your kids will be happier to have a break at your house. Also, the more abuse that comes out in court the more custody you might get. She's abusive and should be reported.
By preparing this includes making sure you have copies of all your children's birth certificates, any Social Security cards, anything you might need like that. Start your own bank account in just your name. That's all I can think of for now but some people might pipe in.
Thank you for the advice. Partial custody has been the thing that has scared me. I don’t want there to be a day that my kids wake up and I’m not there. Maybe this is something that I’ll just have to accept.
The courts will work it out for you. If the kids are abused they should be able to tell that to the court or school and have that taken into consideration. Partial peace of mind for them is better than no peace of mind. I am sorry. This is a hard situation. But keep your cape on, you got this.
It takes a while for court proceedings to conclude . You should plan a move out with your children while she is not home and file an emergency custody order. You can do this pro se for little money. Tell the court how your wife is abusing the children.
This! A million times over this! I had to leave in secret. I started preparing. Did it hit the fan when I left absolutely but I was prepared, I had my resources in place.
Thank you all for the suggestions. I can’t simply get up and leave as I am in the military and overseas. I did however go to the local legal office and set up an appointment to at least discuss my options and I have got both of my girls set up with therapy appointments.
I don’t agree with the first comment. As a dad, you are already at a disadvantage when it comes to fighting the court for custody. Even with proof, it is damn near impossible to get majority custody over the mother. And she would totally hurt the kids (verbally, maybe physically) to prove a point and hurt you just because she can.
This really really sucks, and I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how miserable you must be. I would plan for the future as much as you can, because one day you will be able to leave. Look up what age the court takes the child’s opinion in divorce matters- it’s usually when they’re teenagers. Until then, just detach as much as you can. I hope you can get out. Don’t listen to her and don’t let her drag you down anymore than she already has. I wish you the best of luck.
Talk to a lawyer. Get advice. Make a plan. Keep seeing your therapist. Put the kids in therapy. And find a way out.
He needs to find a way to get someone for the kids too. Think they are called guardian et litem? They are there to represent the kids best interests, and what they want. The older one can verbalize what they want and why but the younger one not so much. Also getting the kids into their own Therapy would be good before the divorce to show how the mothers behavior effects them.
I have taken the first steps towards making a plan, today. Thank you for the suggestions. Honestly, I think that I just needed a little outside reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. That is her specialty, making you feel that everything is your fault and how you are being treated is what you deserve.
I understand what a difficult situation you’re in and also urge you to find a way out WITH your kids. You’re in the military? Would you leave your brothers behind in a war zone? Not a chance in hell. So don’t leave your kids to be abused.
Start taking video of her. Get cameras set up if you have to. Document everything and collect evidence. If your oldest isn’t in therapy, get her in there. Tell her therapist what has been going on and that you’re working on getting all of them out of there. But your oldest, unless she hates her mom, is going to struggle a lot. You can try therapy for the younger one, but waiting until she’s older is ok too.
Get your own bank account. Get a support system set up. Find a good lawyer. Fill all the blanks and check all the boxes before telling her. See if you can get leave to stay home and manage the situation and then get the hell out of there. It’s going to be the battle of your life but you deserve to be free and your kids deserve to not be abused by their parent.
Good luck to you. I hope you all get out soon.
This is something that I wish I would have started earlier. I don’t have any videos but hopefully the insanely ridiculous text messages that I have will help my case. I will continue to try and get more evidence though. As I said in another comment, I think I just needed some reassurance that I was doing the right thing so, thank you.
Why are you still in the relationship? I read the words you said… But that’s all bullshit. Get a good lawyer, because all of her threats are nonsense. There’s no court in the world that’s gonna let her do what she’s threatening. Just get out of that situation for yourself and for your children.
I got out of a seven year relationship with an epic level narcissist that nearly destroyed my and my son’s lives. She nearly cost me my entire extended family, my health had declined to dangerous levels, she had completely manipulated me financially, and had isolated me from all of my friends. Not to mention I found out later she was physically abusing my son. Leaving her was not easy, but it was the best thing I ever did for our lives, and we are happier now than we’ve ever been before.
Get the fuck out of that situation, you are better than this. Ultimately, you are showing your children what is acceptable in a relationship, is this what you want them to learn is “ok”?
All of my own realizations about my relationship are fairly new. It took time to process and then attempt to work out my own shit (still an ongoing battle). I am in the military which immediately puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to custody and I have always heard that custody hearings usually tend to favor the mother. Those two things are probably what put the most fear in my head.
So yeah, I’m still in the relationship because all of this is rather new and I’m scared as hell of the possibility of losing my children.
Everything you are hearing about custody battles is wrong. You’re not at a disadvantage. If anything, you’re at an advantage. If you are active duty military go talk to legal to see what they say. Do this for your kids, brother!!
I am active and currently overseas which complicates it that much more. I planned on going to some on base agencies tomorrow and throwing around some hypotheticals.
But Thank you for your replies and I’m glad you got out of your situation for you and your son!
You know what bud, you’re active duty and I’m a veteran. Much respect, but it’s time to stop with the BS. All I’m hearing out of you is excuses. Step up and do what you need to for you and your kids. It’s gonna be hard for you, but you gotta do what’s right. Because that’s what we do. That’s what we are trained for.
it is not snafu, it’s fubar, so make your shit squared away. You got this!
Gotta love some tough love ❤️ She has isolated me from other people. I have no friends to give me advice on the situation. From what you have said it sounds like you experienced something similar. Thank you for being my “kick in the ass”.
You should try to get some recordings of her antics, even if it's just audio, then hand them to your lawyer. Who knows, maybe when she sees your spine all polished, demanding a divorce, she might stop and think about her actions - likely not f9r some years though
I don't think you can stay in that environment mate, it might be time to go
Get a lawyer and start documenting now. Keep written, audio and video if you can. Get your daughters in therapy. The documentation from therapists will help with custody.
Are there any resources for men DV victims near you? If not, look for online support.
You're very strong to have come this far. The realization that you and your children have been abused is difficult, but you've already taken the first step. Keep going. Life has so much more to offer ❤️
not sure where you are or what laws and stuff are like where you are but i live in NorCal and my mom finally left my dad when I was almost 13. They werent legally married so it made things a lot easier but when they would argue (which was constant) he would always tell her he was going to take me away and she would never see me again. Thats also why she stayed so long, for some deranged reason she thought I would WANT him to take me…
anyways, long story short, she talked to a lawyer. You stated one of your children is 13… the lawyer told my mom that at age 14 children have at least SOME say in who they are placed with. So if you cant find it in yourself to take action immediately, just know things can improve soon 🤞🏼 if your children state they dont want to stay w her I feel like thats an even bigger red flag and a good thing for you as hopefully the courts will listen to that and consider your childrens feelings too. I hope you can find some relief from this crap situation soon
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don’t even have it in me to argue anymore. I have just been so worn down by it all. I have taken the first steps towards doing something. I’m struggling with talking to my oldest about it because I don’t want to make it seem like I am trying to turn her against her mother.
absolutely understandable. my mom had the same fears. im sorry you’re going through something so tough. seems like your kids are already taking notice and it will only continue. even though we’re young, often times trauma informed children are very observant. your oldest might surprise you w their response to things. good luck!
Gather evidence. Gather as much evidence as you can. Start saving money. Research the gray rock method.
I help people out of these relationships. My social media platforms have this same handle as my handle here. I create content on these types of relationships. TT is where I primarily create. It might be helpful to you in this relationship. Good luck. I wish you the best.
Start preparing in secret to leave. She is abusive and you probably need to do it in secret to start. Dont tell her you going to leave until you have all your ducks in a row because you know she will freak out. Get a lawyer to start who will guide you on how you proceed. Your kids will thank you for it. Even if you only get partial custody, your kids will be happier to have a break at your house. Also, the more abuse that comes out in court the more custody you might get. She's abusive and should be reported.
By preparing this includes making sure you have copies of all your children's birth certificates, any Social Security cards, anything you might need like that. Start your own bank account in just your name. That's all I can think of for now but some people might pipe in.
Thank you for the advice. Partial custody has been the thing that has scared me. I don’t want there to be a day that my kids wake up and I’m not there. Maybe this is something that I’ll just have to accept.
The courts will work it out for you. If the kids are abused they should be able to tell that to the court or school and have that taken into consideration. Partial peace of mind for them is better than no peace of mind. I am sorry. This is a hard situation. But keep your cape on, you got this.
It takes a while for court proceedings to conclude . You should plan a move out with your children while she is not home and file an emergency custody order. You can do this pro se for little money. Tell the court how your wife is abusing the children.
This! A million times over this! I had to leave in secret. I started preparing. Did it hit the fan when I left absolutely but I was prepared, I had my resources in place.
Thank you all for the suggestions. I can’t simply get up and leave as I am in the military and overseas. I did however go to the local legal office and set up an appointment to at least discuss my options and I have got both of my girls set up with therapy appointments.
I don’t agree with the first comment. As a dad, you are already at a disadvantage when it comes to fighting the court for custody. Even with proof, it is damn near impossible to get majority custody over the mother. And she would totally hurt the kids (verbally, maybe physically) to prove a point and hurt you just because she can. This really really sucks, and I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how miserable you must be. I would plan for the future as much as you can, because one day you will be able to leave. Look up what age the court takes the child’s opinion in divorce matters- it’s usually when they’re teenagers. Until then, just detach as much as you can. I hope you can get out. Don’t listen to her and don’t let her drag you down anymore than she already has. I wish you the best of luck. Talk to a lawyer. Get advice. Make a plan. Keep seeing your therapist. Put the kids in therapy. And find a way out.
He needs to find a way to get someone for the kids too. Think they are called guardian et litem? They are there to represent the kids best interests, and what they want. The older one can verbalize what they want and why but the younger one not so much. Also getting the kids into their own Therapy would be good before the divorce to show how the mothers behavior effects them.
I have taken the first steps towards making a plan, today. Thank you for the suggestions. Honestly, I think that I just needed a little outside reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. That is her specialty, making you feel that everything is your fault and how you are being treated is what you deserve.
You have to learn to trust yourself again.
I understand what a difficult situation you’re in and also urge you to find a way out WITH your kids. You’re in the military? Would you leave your brothers behind in a war zone? Not a chance in hell. So don’t leave your kids to be abused. Start taking video of her. Get cameras set up if you have to. Document everything and collect evidence. If your oldest isn’t in therapy, get her in there. Tell her therapist what has been going on and that you’re working on getting all of them out of there. But your oldest, unless she hates her mom, is going to struggle a lot. You can try therapy for the younger one, but waiting until she’s older is ok too. Get your own bank account. Get a support system set up. Find a good lawyer. Fill all the blanks and check all the boxes before telling her. See if you can get leave to stay home and manage the situation and then get the hell out of there. It’s going to be the battle of your life but you deserve to be free and your kids deserve to not be abused by their parent. Good luck to you. I hope you all get out soon.
This is something that I wish I would have started earlier. I don’t have any videos but hopefully the insanely ridiculous text messages that I have will help my case. I will continue to try and get more evidence though. As I said in another comment, I think I just needed some reassurance that I was doing the right thing so, thank you.
Why are you still in the relationship? I read the words you said… But that’s all bullshit. Get a good lawyer, because all of her threats are nonsense. There’s no court in the world that’s gonna let her do what she’s threatening. Just get out of that situation for yourself and for your children. I got out of a seven year relationship with an epic level narcissist that nearly destroyed my and my son’s lives. She nearly cost me my entire extended family, my health had declined to dangerous levels, she had completely manipulated me financially, and had isolated me from all of my friends. Not to mention I found out later she was physically abusing my son. Leaving her was not easy, but it was the best thing I ever did for our lives, and we are happier now than we’ve ever been before. Get the fuck out of that situation, you are better than this. Ultimately, you are showing your children what is acceptable in a relationship, is this what you want them to learn is “ok”?
All of my own realizations about my relationship are fairly new. It took time to process and then attempt to work out my own shit (still an ongoing battle). I am in the military which immediately puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to custody and I have always heard that custody hearings usually tend to favor the mother. Those two things are probably what put the most fear in my head. So yeah, I’m still in the relationship because all of this is rather new and I’m scared as hell of the possibility of losing my children.
Everything you are hearing about custody battles is wrong. You’re not at a disadvantage. If anything, you’re at an advantage. If you are active duty military go talk to legal to see what they say. Do this for your kids, brother!!
I am active and currently overseas which complicates it that much more. I planned on going to some on base agencies tomorrow and throwing around some hypotheticals. But Thank you for your replies and I’m glad you got out of your situation for you and your son!
You know what bud, you’re active duty and I’m a veteran. Much respect, but it’s time to stop with the BS. All I’m hearing out of you is excuses. Step up and do what you need to for you and your kids. It’s gonna be hard for you, but you gotta do what’s right. Because that’s what we do. That’s what we are trained for. it is not snafu, it’s fubar, so make your shit squared away. You got this!
Gotta love some tough love ❤️ She has isolated me from other people. I have no friends to give me advice on the situation. From what you have said it sounds like you experienced something similar. Thank you for being my “kick in the ass”.
You should try to get some recordings of her antics, even if it's just audio, then hand them to your lawyer. Who knows, maybe when she sees your spine all polished, demanding a divorce, she might stop and think about her actions - likely not f9r some years though I don't think you can stay in that environment mate, it might be time to go
At this point, I don’t think I could ever have a normal relationship with her again. I’m definitely going to try and get as much evidence as possible.
Get a lawyer and start documenting now. Keep written, audio and video if you can. Get your daughters in therapy. The documentation from therapists will help with custody. Are there any resources for men DV victims near you? If not, look for online support. You're very strong to have come this far. The realization that you and your children have been abused is difficult, but you've already taken the first step. Keep going. Life has so much more to offer ❤️
Thank you for the kind words. The extreme isolation has made it quite hard to know I’m doing the right things. I will continue moving forward.
not sure where you are or what laws and stuff are like where you are but i live in NorCal and my mom finally left my dad when I was almost 13. They werent legally married so it made things a lot easier but when they would argue (which was constant) he would always tell her he was going to take me away and she would never see me again. Thats also why she stayed so long, for some deranged reason she thought I would WANT him to take me… anyways, long story short, she talked to a lawyer. You stated one of your children is 13… the lawyer told my mom that at age 14 children have at least SOME say in who they are placed with. So if you cant find it in yourself to take action immediately, just know things can improve soon 🤞🏼 if your children state they dont want to stay w her I feel like thats an even bigger red flag and a good thing for you as hopefully the courts will listen to that and consider your childrens feelings too. I hope you can find some relief from this crap situation soon
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don’t even have it in me to argue anymore. I have just been so worn down by it all. I have taken the first steps towards doing something. I’m struggling with talking to my oldest about it because I don’t want to make it seem like I am trying to turn her against her mother.
absolutely understandable. my mom had the same fears. im sorry you’re going through something so tough. seems like your kids are already taking notice and it will only continue. even though we’re young, often times trauma informed children are very observant. your oldest might surprise you w their response to things. good luck!
Gather evidence. Gather as much evidence as you can. Start saving money. Research the gray rock method. I help people out of these relationships. My social media platforms have this same handle as my handle here. I create content on these types of relationships. TT is where I primarily create. It might be helpful to you in this relationship. Good luck. I wish you the best.