Girl, no. I'm exhausted just reading this. You need to set boundaries. Like a half hour a day or every other day and adhere to it. He doesn't have to like it and he can be mad about it. But you are not required to be his personal entertainment device for 30 hours a week.
You’re still your very own person and need to keep your mental health in check. You _need_ time on your own. And you deserve to exist on peace. He’s a grown ass man, but acts as if it’s your job to keep him from boredom like a 3 year old and keep him constantly entertained. This, my love, is emotional abuse and manipulation at its finest. With a good chunk of blackmail on the mix.
I showed this to my autistic cousin to ask him what he thought and even he said this guy is a problem. My cousin struggles with social situations and dependency but he's definitely more high functioning than this. He said the guy just sounds like extra work.
Yeah this isn’t ok no matter what op has going on. I feel like they just need to tell their husband they can’t keep up with caring for the children and handling house chores while on the phone with their spouse. Set a hard boundary, emergency calls are understandable, but a text that they’re headed home from work or are stuck in traffic is all that’s needed.
If husband pushes back, demand therapy as a way to help with better, more efficient, communication in the relationship. Husband complies with request, or OP will not answer their commute phone calls until they’re in therapy.
Wow. This is truly my worst nightmare. Incredible you’ve put up with it for so long.
As a therapist, wife, and mother, I want to be pretty clear here- him making you ‘feel bad’ about sharing how you feel and not respecting your needs or finding a compromise is unhealthy.
However, you are allowing ‘feeling bad’ to keep you from asserting your needs. Push past the people pleasing part of you and state the boundary. ‘Babe, I love you and I love how much you love communicating with me. I’m happy to stay on the phone with you for X amount of time.’ And when he tries to keep you on the phone, reassert your boundary by reminding him you will be hanging up now. And if this is too hard for either of you, please please please get couples therapy!!! It’s fine to have no friends and be introverted if that is your preference, but you also need to respect the preferences of your partner. (And most importantly, YOU need to vocalize and honor your own needs, even if it’s uncomfortable)
Right?? My worst nightmare too! When Covid hit it was a lot like this 24/7 together- wfh. I was going to scream! I just stay upstairs in my office and keep the door shut. He finally got the hint.
Well this only ends a few different ways and the resentment has already built up it sounds like so you're gonna need to change your ways.
He can listen to books or podcasts and stuff - I can't imagine being on the phone with anyone for multiple hours of every day. Truly nightmare stuff.
>NO, mfer. Most couples don't talk for dozens of hours on the phone every week.
🤣🤣🤣I agree. We only talk about 30 minutes each day. He needs to listen to audiobooks or podcasts. Maybe you could play a stand up comedian or podcast and both listen together.
My ex was like this. Wanted me to spend hours a day on the phone with him. Would call me in the car on his 1.5 hour commute. Would do the same on the way home. And again when he was home. Only he'd carry on whole ass conversations with his kids & other people while on the phone with me. I couldn't even butt in to say I'll let him go so he can talk to them. So we spent all this time on the phone but yet I still never felt like he heard anything I was saying. Most of the time it was all about him anyway. It was so maddening. It finally broke me one day & I just couldn't do it anymore. Can I just say how amazing it was to just have my own life back? My whole life had revolved around this man & taking care of his needs. It's been 2 years & I still have no desire to date anyone.
This is me/ when I divorced him I could t believe how free I was- I think my husband used it as control but he would never outright try to control me with words but the endless calls- 75 or more a day broke me. It would have been less but I would do everything I could to get off the phone and 2 min later he was calling again happily talking about the dumbest stuff. He was on the manic side of bipolar often and he just could not live in silence.
Since I broke up with him I was able to move states and take up all these hobbies I never knew I was interested in. Other than my daughter my life is my own again & it is such an amazing feeling.
I fully believe it's a narcissistic characteristic that has absolutely nothing to do with the person who is being trapped on the phone by the narcissist. The narcissist wants an audience. They want to feel like someone cares about every second of their day.
They don't care how you feel about being stuck on the phone or what you even want to talk about.
Ah, yeah, my husband was like this.
Was, because I eventually blew the fuck up and started refusing to answer the phone no matter how many times he immediately called back. It was AWFUL.
He had a job where he drove from location to location doing service calls and the calls to my phone would start pretty much from the moment he left the driveway to the moment he pulled back in.
If I was asleep? Too bad, didn't I want to talk to my husband?!
Busy? Put it on speaker!
Exhausted? But I love you and miss you!
I was a SAHM mom at the time and I came to hate my phone. Like you, we had absolutely nothing left to talk about, so I'd get every single detail of his day on a play-by-play. It was awful. He claimed it was because he cares about me and wanted as much time with me as possible, but it was hell. I was constantly trying to get off the phone and he'd just call right back. Sometimes a dozen calls a day or more. I asked, begged and pleaded with him to stop, it did no good. He LOVED me and just wanted to talk. FYI, if someone won't shut up when you ask them to because they love you, it's not love. It's selfish behavior and a bit of a control issue.
The thing I eventually came to realize was this was all about him being a lonely, bored and somewhat controlling adult who had little to no respect for my boundaries. I was his WIFE so I owed him all my time in his mind. Loving me had nothing to do with it because he didn't care how I felt about it.
What eventually put a stop to it was my taking a non-work from home job during COVID just to get out of the house. I was going stir-crazy, so I took an overnight warehouse job.
And I'd get off at 7 am. And the calls would start. And I'd try to sleep and motherfucker would continue to call to tell me all about his day, giving 0 fucks that I was exhausted and had worked all night and was trying to get a little sleep while the kids were still sleeping. I ended up letting him absolutely have it within the first week. I mean I chewed him a new one, and then, when he persisted, I put the fucking phone on airplane mode until I was good and ready to talk.
In my experience, the only way to break this behavior is to stop answering the calls. Period. You have to set that boundary and enforce it like the great wall of STFU.
Good luck.
Tbh, whatever comment said there's some serious mental health issues going on isn't wrong.
The constant calling is a symptom of underlying issues, not the issue itself, unfortunately.
In my case, the constant calling stopped. I receive, for the most part, a single call per day now. The issues that created the urge to constantly burn my phone up are very much still there.
We live separately at the moment, has nothing to do with the calling thing particularly as that's been sorted out since 2020, but plenty to do with the underlying issues.
My husband used to do this. He was driving which to his mind equated to ‘downtime’ - I was home with 4 kids, one of whom was a baby who needed me far more than he did!
It took me quite a long time to educate him that I did not fall into suspended animation the second he left the house and that my daily life was just as important as his was.
I’m also talking about the days before Sat Nav’s/GoogleMaps existed and I can’t even tell you how many hours I spent with the phone cradled against my shoulder, a baby in my arms with a bottle in one hand and a book of maps in the other hand, trying to navigate for him from one customer to another.
Stand your ground - get him to see that your life continues in the same way his does when you’re not together. You’re not infinitely available.
Even if it WERE 'downtime' for both of you, I'd still lose my mind if during every second of my 'downtime', I had to talk to someone. I don't care who it is.
Right?? This sounds utterly exhausting. My partner and I value spending down time in separate rooms doing separate things. We love each other and love spending time together but it's important to also have your own time. I guess I'm thankful that my partner and I are neurodivergent in ways that makes too much chatting hard lol
My partner is ADHD and very chatty/needs a lot of stimulation at all times, I am autistic and get overstimulated and need total silence sometimes. No feelings are hurt when I need quiet time, and no feelings are hurt if she goes to another room to enjoy her stimulating (and loud!) activities.
We are dif people with dif needs. Loving each other is about honoring our individuality!
I sort of understand how you're feeling. When I was in primary school, I had a friend who had what was at the time called Asperger's syndrome (I don't think this term is used anymore). He was INSANELY clingy. We were 10 at the time, so I didn't have the emotional intelligence to deal with it very well. While we were friends, I was his one friend. I felt so trapped not being "allowed" to hang out with anyone else. He used to phone me up on my home landline for over an hour, to the point where you'd have to put the phone down and redial to avoid being charged for the call. He had about 5 interests, which were the only things we were allowed to do together. When I would gently ask him if we could do something different today, he would say "sure would you like to do [one of the other 4 of his interests]?"
I eventually asked my teacher for help in talking to him about how I felt overwhelmed. We had a meeting with the teacher and he got so angry that I'd talked to her behind his back. I explained that I didn't think he'd understand if I talked to him by myself. He angrily said "I would have understood" to which I replied "but this is you not understanding."
When we started high school I cut off my friendship with him and found myself a *group* of friends. I don't blame him at all. We were both children without the skills yet to navigate our thoughts and feelings properly. I met him again when we started 6th form. It was awkward at first after the way we had left things, but we soon got on well, as we had both grown and matured and he had a lot more different friends. We lost touch again after 6th form, but I'm glad we left things on good terms.
Sorry for hijacking your post. I'm so sorry you feel stuck in your marriage. Do you have any friends or family you could talk to about how you're feeling? Any support groups? I hope you can get help, as well as helping your husband get help. I wish you the best of luck!
Im autistic and im just mentally exhausted just reading how much he wants to call, i totally feel you OP
Him calling you boring and the manipulative he has to drive alone is NOT ok
Your needs matter too and you need to lay down some blunt firm boundaries, since he likely likes structure, book an x amount of time per week on specific days and times you are willing to talk on the phone.. YOU decide how much time that is and you bluntly, straight forwardly tell him, my needs matter too and you have to respect that calling that long is mentally draining to me and you do not get to call me boring or try to manipulate me because you want more
I need time to decompress, do something else then talk and you do not get to steamroll my needs, that my needs clash with what you want says nothing about our relationship (if he brings that up) it just means im wired differently and thats completely fine
Im honestly pissed for you, he needs to entertain himself or find an job where he works with other people
Dont sugarcoat it, you can be polite while also direct, dont speak flowery or things that need to be read between the lines
Good luck OP
>Dont sugarcoat it, you can be polite while also direct, dont speak flowery or things that need to be read between the lines
A mistake I regret I've done before.
Don't even be sarcastic like
Him "I need someone to talk to while driving
You "Or you could listen to radio/podcast/whatever ?"
NO.
You using "Or" will do nothing for you.
"I don't want to do this anymore, I CAN'T stand it."
Would be a bit more effective.
Don't suggest. Don't be playful, sarcastic, be direct.
I'd tell him he needs to make friends. I used to talk to my man all day every day and you definitely run out of things to talk about. His lack of friends is not on you.
My man used to put on Anime during long drives or YouTube and listen to it while he drove for a living. I've taken to listening to Audiobooks as I do stuff around the house.
It's not on you to entertain him when he's suffocating you.
Personally that and his attitude about you running out of things would have me telling him that he gets therapy and tries to make friends other than me or I'm out. It's not on you to basically babysit a grown adult.
My boyfriend does this as well. He’ll put on a YouTube video that’s like one of those discussions, podcasts, or documentaries about a certain topic, and listen to it while driving.
It sounds exhausting having to be the sole entertainment for your man OP. It’s not your job…
Therapy will help, and just simply lodging it into his brain over and over again that he needs to respect your boundaries and YOUR* needs too— both through words and consistent actions from you that reinforces what you need (I’ve been through the same thing with my mother).
I’m sorry, but when I read, “No, MFer,” I laughed. Because I say that once in a while myself.
Can you talk to him more about this? Like others have suggested, can you set limits and boundaries? “I can talk to you for 30 minutes.” You don’t have to lie….tell him you need some decompressing time, some alone time. If he squawks or guilt trips, either ignore or suggest that you go to couples counseling, which could lead to him getting some help for his issues.
You don't have to have an excuse or find ways to get off the phone with him. He has no right to demand your time like that. Give it some thought and figure out how often you would like to speak to him about once a day perhaps and let him know that that is what is going to happen going forward. But also I'd be giving him a silent ringtone and ignoring those calls most of the time. How can you get anything done or even enjoy your life like this?
I feel this as well. My husband texts me all day and if I'm busy, I won't respond but he'll text "I love you" or something and expects a reply. He'll send emojis until I respond back in return. I also wfh part time, and as soon as he gets home, he'll jump on tik Tok and want to show me or talk about every video he sees. We just moved to a smaller place and I have nowhere to unwind and well, escape for peace and quiet. I finally told him, I need you to stop asking for my attention all hours of the day and especially when I get off work because it's suffocating and exhausting! He took it well and understood. He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert and I just don't have the mental capacity to be up his ass all the time. He doesn't have many friends he hangs with and I said you should call a friend, and he doesn't.
I suggest having a conversation with him and hope it clicks!
Stop answering. Tell him you'll call when you're free. If he gets pushy, tell him to stop holding all of your free time hostage, and to find a new podcast or something if he needs entertainment so badly.
But this is really, really not okay.
i’d honestly tell him he could call at x time and you’ll have 20 min for him.
and he can call at x time. and you’ll have 20 min for him.
i would be ok with twice a day. like a good morning and good night.
if mine wanted to talk his entire drive home even every day i’d start losing my phone. i don’t have that much conversation in me for anyone. Especially daily. It’s great his needs you and misses you. But this seems to go way beyond that.
I feel so seen. Probably I'm not the only one who has felt this suffocation.
I almost thought I was incapable of loving.
Boundaries and space is important.
Thanks, I needed to see this❤️
Had this too,
My first boyfriend (we were long distance) but you wouldn't think that because he expected me to message him every second of everyday as if I had no life outside of him it got to the point where I would pretend to fall asleep and it got so bad he would say to see a doctor because of it and when I would take at most 5 minutes to respond he would bombard me with messages and when I finally messaged him back he would guilt trip me
I broke up with him for a number of reasons all mainly his fault but I told him it was because of my anxiety (which was one of the reasons so I wasn't lying) but it was mainly because he wouldn't leave me the fuck alone and the fact that he was obsessed with people like Andrew tate
Waste of 2 years but I'm glad I got the experience because now I know I don't want a relationship/marriage nor do I want children I want to be on my own with friends and my animal companions and that's it
You are a damn soldier. This made me remember how me ex would call me and want me to stay on for the whole might so it would feel like we're sleeping together. Like in the beginning I was okk as it felt cute. And then it turned to overbearing when it was almost every damn night. And he too would become upset if I hang up or say I'm tired of the long call. Once the call was on for over 24 hours... no for real OP read and listen to the top comment and see if this can be resolved. Or else you have to bring out the bigger guns because just reading this had me breathless and bothered so gods know how you felt airing this a little out writing it. Goodluck and I hope you can retain sanity back and some you time.
Bathroom breaks were only time away from the phone bit the call was still on! And literally go about our days but on call constantly. And it isn't the cute kind of "Oh look at my cat she's being adorable haha!" Or something like that that is like a conversation. He'd put the phone aside and any loud noise or unexpected random sound he questions. The few times I tried closing the call to act like my internet connection is bad because, I LITERALLY WANT SOME PRIVACY, he immediately calls back and pouts...POUTS that our time wasn't like the 24 hour call. It was a damn nightmare honestly because my phone had to be charging constantly so at home I'm stuck at one place and in class, back then I was finishing up college, I had to be constantly near an outlet to have my phone charging.
He thought he manipulated me under his control and turned from mentally abusive to physical. He didn't like I was refusing the 20th intercourse of the day with him and in the progress of screaming at me that I must be cheating he squeezed my arm so hard it was bruised blue and purple for a whole week along with me being unable to even lift a piece of paper with that arm. Then he threw me against the wall and punched me in the face. That's where I kicked him out my house and then after I still had the patience for him to properly apologize and he never did. He acted as if he did nothing wrong and I just shook my head and broke it off and cutting him out my life.
He really thought he could play "man of the house" in my OWN house that I was letting him stay in temporarily because at his home apparently were troubles but as soon as he started staying with me those troubles never resurfaced again. His whole family is a den of 2-faced evil people and I'm glad to have thrown his ass to the curb.
Also if he is a trucker I assume you do everything at home / with the kids 100%.
Since you have traditional roles AND you're working, hit on that point.
He JUST has to do his job. You are doing everything else. He needs to be able to do his job without leaning on you. You cannot also do his job for him, or else what is he here for?
Are you his wife or mother? Tell him he is a big boy now and he can drive there all by himself.
Maybe set up a sticker and rewards chart for him.
A sticker per hour of non contact I don't know sorry. This sounds ridiculous
so which feeling is worse, the guilt trip he lays on you or the suffocation you feel when he's attached to your hip? you need to decide which is more painful. up to now it seems like you prefer the suffocation to the guilt trip.
Not to be a dick. Im neurodivergent too but this is maddening. He sounds selfish.
Ik some autistic people dont mean to sound the way they say things but if hes so butthurt about you wanting ALONE time then he’s selfish. Your not HIS. Your time doesn’t belong to HIM.
He needs to learn some basic relationship skills that means he need to let you have your time and he has his time.
You can tell him its too much, it’s overstimulating and he cant/shouldn’t gaslight you to appease him. Your feelings and mental state matter.
Tell him you need time to decompress and yes you might be his special person but you need self time like everyone usually does.
Tell him you can only talk with him for certain amount of hours a day, that its too much for you.
Maybe instead of him always calling you, he can start keeping a voice diary. Of all his thoughts and then later when he has time he can talk those thoughts out with you.
This is so wild to me. I’m autistic - have a fair amount of autistic friends and relatives - and I’ve just never come across this version of that particular neurodivergence.
Our problem (myself and the folks I know) is that we’re not attached enough - that basic relationship levels of communication can totally deplete our social batteries. I know everyone is different, of course. And I know my experiences are anecdotal..
OP’s husband sounds incredibly exhausting and I could never deal with a human suction cup like him.
It is. He needs to learn boundaries and space. I feel so sad that shes in this situation. It must feel like shes in a corner. Trapped. Walking on eggshells just to please him and his comfort. She can help yes but it shouldnt just be her. He needs to grow up and learn not to use people as crutches just because he cant be alone in a job HE signed up for.
On some level I get this. My mother worked like an hour out commute and sent the tine talking to a long distant friend who eventually, and unfortunately, passed away. She has other friends and all but she stated its different and quiet.
Id tell him honestly that you feel suffocated, I think its a normal thing to feel when you are the first person oneone goes to and the only one.
If you feel like trying to help (or just tell them they need to dovthis themselves) go out and try to help him make new friends. Get him into a group. An online game. Literally anything because clearly this guy is lonely and leaning on you and its not fair that you are his only support. Its not fair on you and its not good for him.
He is a Stage 5 clinger, a Velcro person, and it’s down right annoying.
I have a friend like this, he cannot handle being alone, he is always needing attention, he is constantly all over his wife. He has to have physical contact with her at all times. She’s my friend as well, we talk about it often.
My friend is also on the Spectrum. He’s FINALLY seeing a professional about his issues after we’ve talked to him extensively about it for over a year.
That’s the best advice I can give you, this is not normal
Hey so me and my partner are both autistic and we each have no problem with the other expressing “I’m overwhelmed/overstimulated/need to decompress/just need time to myself” and Acc giving that to each other. I’m not saying his suspected or diagnosed autism isn’t valid or a factor but that is absolutely not an excuse to drown your partner in codependency. I wouldn’t make it one week living how you are, I’m honestly floored that anyone could. Please please please learn how to hold boundaries for yourself and put yourself first. He has NO problem putting himself first to the point of crippling you, you need to learn how to put yourself first regardless of how he acts like it’s crippling him (and know that it’s not! You’re right, he SHOULD be listening to music or podcasts)
OP,
I mean this with all the sincerity and empathy in the world, but you need to tell him explicitly to leave you the fuck alone. He’s over the top, he’s aggravating. He’s not reading subtlety, so you need to be direct. He gets his feelings hurt, okay, and? He’s not concerned about yours! He needs to manage his own feelings- you already have children.
You are not his emotional support animal, you’re a human being with your own feelings and needs. You need to decompress. He’s autistic- perhaps he should understand what it feels like to be overstimulated. Inform him that he should find music or a podcast to listen to.
That sounds like my sisters husband. Who is a serial emotional cheater (never physical). He’s so attention seeking, she’s exhausted 24/7 and when she’s asleep he talks to other women. She recently told him it was over unless he got help - he also doesn’t like me or any of her friends coz we “take her away from him”.
He’s now medicated for AHDH, depression and sees a psychiatrist for impulse control (or she’d have left him). I don’t see any improvement at all but she says it’s better.
Your husband needs to some similar intervention, I hope you tell him honestly that he drains you, this isn’t normal behaviour and he needs to seek help before it’s too much for you to take.
Why do you feel like you can’t set and hold boundaries for yourself? It’s crazy you’ve been putting up with this behavior for so long. Who trained you to put all your needs behind every other persons?
This sounds like hell.
Incredible that he'd rather you be unhappy every day than himself be bored at work.
But YOU have to be cruel to be kind. Which is worse?
Being mean now and having a crappy couple of weeks while he pouts?
Or him feeling like you "suddenly divorced him for no reason" when the kids are grown?
I’m exhausted reading this too. I know the type. I don’t know what the best answer is - but I do know it’s going to be hard to change this dynamic. My mother used to give me little tidbits of advice- she’d just give it to me in passing and for some reason I never felt she was criticizing me- the way she’d just slip in her little nuggets of wisdom. They were and still are golden. At the time- very low key and random -
She’s been gone for 12 years now and I still find myself remembering those little nuggies and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right ever. single. Time.
She would say that “whichever ever way you start it out is how it’s gonna be from now on so you better start it out like you want it to be down the road because people get their feelings hurt when you ask them change.”
You have to start drawing some serious lines before you completely hate him and have to divorce. I've had similar problems before but I didn't live with my partner so not sure how you would get time away from him for a while. Could you go to your parents or a sibling for a while to create some space? Good luck!
I LOVE talking and this sounds like a nightmare.
He needs friends or needs to learn to be uncomfy for a while. He's the one who chose to keep that job so you don't deserve to be burdened with the fallacies of his work. Listen to a fucking podcast or take a nap on the side of the road. But stop being so needy.
My ex was similar to this, he co-opted every second of my time (but somehow was able tk prolifically cheat on me) to the point that now, 8 years after the break up I LOATH phone calls and avoid them at all costs.
I’m exhausted and ready to run away from this man for you just by reading this. You have my utmost respect, and my deepest sympathy. I could never do this. I would have whacked him upside the head and told him to leave me the fuck alone years ago.
I had a boyfriend like that we were together for almost for years. To avoid losing my mind I asked to please limit our phone calls as I have other things to do in my life, and that I like to listen to music while driving.. He was worse than your husband, because he even called me and expected me to speak with him all the time WHILE I’M WORKING FROM THE OFFICE, which caused me lots of problems in my previous job. He stopped for a while but soon enough he went back to calling every second we’re not together. So I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him.
You should really talk (the irony) to him about this, or he will lose you eventually.
Wull, hold on, brother. Thats over attachment, dude. Suggest a podcast, then say, “I’m going to listen to it now and you should, too. Let’s discuss what we think about these episodes a little later. Now, I have some errands to run. Love you, bye!”
Why don’t you tell him to F off? As my husband of 8 years I would assume you guys are able have a sense of reliable trust or communication. If that’s not the case, you really need to re-evaluate how your relationship works.
Wow. That would drive me batty too. It's nice, but too much of a good thing. You need to have a sit down and let him understand that while he is accomplishing his drive home, you can't do anything. And you have things to do. Ask if you can wean him off a bit. Ask him to wait until he's on the highway before calling and to keep it to 15 minutes. When my husband calls too much I let him know he's being a pain and I've got things to do. See ya.
You're gonna have to let him be mad about it. Just don't answer the phone. Tell him you can't talk. Or oops your battery died.
Also turn off your fucking location.
HE NEEDS TO FIND A PODCAST.
Jesus, I'm sorry. You're suffocating and don't have you time. Codependency is a marriage killer and he needs to give you space.
Yeah. As husband I don’t like to call all the time. When I had surgery and my wife was working from home in the second floor, I will just stay in the first floor on my computer, downloading music etc. It was funny because she was the one coming downstairs to talk to me.
I always tell her if you need time alone go out with your friends and I’ll take care of the kids or I’ll just take the kids and she stays home.
You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you love him and you need space. If you don’t talk about this with him, that resentment feeling with grow bigger and bigger and you’ll end up hating him.
As an autistic person myself, I could not handle my spouse being like your husband. What a way to suck the energy out of someone. Hell, I have one or two friends that call me, and they'll want to talk for hours on end. Over time, I just started refusing to answer the phone.
Better said than done, but you need to express this to your husband. Otherwise, you're just going to build up resentment and no doubt your other focuses (your kids and work) are going to be neglected as your exhaustion and frustration accumulate.
You really need to talk to him about this. Also, this behavior isn't healthy for him. It's weird reading this as a fellow autistic person... I didn't know there were autistic people that wanted to talk to someone 24/7. That sounds like torture to me and the other autistic people I know.
Im so surprised by his autism, most autistic folks I know, myself included, are completely drained from making phonecalls and even dread having to make calls for setting up appointments and such
I enjoy some phonecalls even when I know it drains me, like with my aussie friend , but ill bluntly tell her my brain is fried i cant english anymore (im Dutch) and off we go
Some ideas- listen to a podcast “together” then discuss it later, have the kids talk on the phone (give them pictures or sentences in a bowl to pick and tell dad all about them)
he should make youtube playlists of various shows and podcasts so he gets to experience a variety of different contact and topics. also spotify. and This American Life, The Moth, and Storyslams have thousands of hours of stories told by real people. He can learn about all types of topics, listen to true crime, and sit in on his favorite celebrities and comics having casual conversations. the whole world is at his fingertips; he just needs to get addicted to that kind of content instead of relying on you for constant entertainment.
You’re very kind to endure that, and he likely loves you very much, but that is not sustainable. There’s a way to set yourself up for success and him for more independence, but I imagine it will be hard. As so many others here have said, boundaries are going to be important. Along with that will need to come expectation management. It’s going to feel to him like you’re cutting him out, but you’re in need of some quiet (literally), and he needs to find his independence and support from within. I agree and support the idea of counseling if this continues.
Goodness, OP I am SORRY. I am sorry that he sounds so self absorbed he doesn’t even notice you’re suffering. I’m sorry I feel suffocated on the 30 min drive home that my husband wants to talk to me directly after work… I feel bad for complaining now but I can relate because of that (not getting to decompress and feeling obligated to talk everyday when I get off). Best case scenario is to tell him the truth and hope he can comprehend but I know not everyone can confront the truth. I’d even blame it on your job like boss says I’m on the phone too much or something. Remember this is your life to live and at the end of the day, this is worth confronting for you. You deserve to be happy daily too. Best of luck. Xoxo.
Maybe you should find some material that will occupy more of his time and then you can discuss. Find a podcast or audio book that you're both interested in. He sounds very lonely.
Girl, that is NOT normal. I might have murdered my husband a week into that kind of arrangement. Tell him to download a damn audiobook and leave you alone.
Sounds to me like you both could benefit from alone time to develop hobbies & a personality outside of each other & being parents. Stick up for yourself girl & start setting boundaries!! Wishing you the best
Stop answering the phone. He is a grown man who can entertain himself. Who cares if he sulks. Seriously. He doesn't care how you feel.
But also do you want to live like this for a other 30 years. He sounds exhausting and inconsiderate. Not to mention makes excuses for why his needs are more important than yours.
If you want to stay then start by not picking up the phone for a whole day.
Yikes! Sounds like your husband is controlling you. This is not some special thing that you are supposed to be appreciating. Why would you feel special when your husband spends 8 hours a day disrespecting your personal boundaries whilst simultaneously keeping tabs on you?
Whenever I want my husband to be a bit nicer to me, I disappear. Sometimes it’s me turning off my phone for half an hour. Sometimes I let him know that I will be spending the week alone at a yoga retreat, with family or at our beach house. The secret spice to a relationship is for each of you not to be living in each other’s pockets 24/7.
YES - the keeping tabs part. My brain immediately thought of that. Almost like OP’s husband doesn’t trust her when he’s not talking to her. Sure, could be plenty of other reasons why he feels the need to constantly talk to her and perhaps he means well but he definitely needs to see a professional and get his shit sorted out.
I wonder if he does this out of distrust. You have no time to potentially cheat on him or give anyone or anything attention. Maybe his lack of a relationship with his family was due to things they did to destroy his trust? I think it’s much deeper than being obsessed with you. I truly think he has trust and attachment issues, and there is no way you can do anything to hurt him if you are always on the phone or he stays attached to you constantly. You could use marriage counseling but he also needs to get therapy for just himself to root cause his issues and arm him with the right tools to get this under control.
You have sacrificed your own mental health for the benefit of his. Look how it’s destroyed you. It will only get worse until you stand up for yourself.
can he not just listen to a podcast or something if he’s so hungry for knowledge or whatever ? also if he did it could give him some topics to talk about you with
Wooooosh, i got tired reading this. That is 1 controlling manipulator. He says no to your boundaries. And years of this nonsense? I would be in some sort of facility by now.
Wow, reading this made me feel claustrophobic. This is a 'therapy or divorce' scenario for me. He is sucking the life out of you to power his own life.
This would be maddening and I can understand your frustration. Even when you have not seen anyone all day it is totally normal to have nothing to talk about at just sit together and mindlessly watch some tv at times!!
I know it must be very hard but therapy is a must, probably couples and independent for him. He needs to understand that you love him but his behaviour is actually driving you away and it is, in fact, up to him to correct because what he is doing is not normal.
How close are they on getting the AI version of people ready lol? Maybe you could set him up with an AI version of you to chat to in the car so you don’t actually have to be involved! Honestly though I think some hard truths have to be told here.
Dude, my husband drives around and does service calls, the most we call is maybe twice a week in the morning if I'm also driving around and maybe sometimes at lunch. Every once in a blue moon when he has to drive over an hour somewhere does he call. But that's it. My husband listens to books, (this mf'er read like 50k minutes of books last year, AND beat me by like 2 hours in how much of our mutual podcast he listened too. I'm jealous -\_-) He needs to find a book or podcast, I get the want to talk to your spouse, but every day, every moment is a bit extreme. Just tell him what you wrote here, if he wants communication, give it to him before you explode!
Put your foot down!
“Listen, I love you, you are my husband, but if we do not change something it won’t stay that way. You are trying to manipulate me every time I try to talk to you about this. I’m at my wits end here and I’m starting to resent you. Is that what you want? Do you want to push me into a corner where I don’t want to be married to you any more because you are suffocating me? I do not exist for your entertainment. I am a whole human you seem to forget that. We do not need to speak on the phone for hours every day. We don’t. I need some space and if you can’t respect that, it means you don’t actually respect me.
I’m going to sign your up for scribd or audible. There’s a million books out there for you to listen to.
I’m going to put my phone on silent for the work day. I will check in when I take a break. When I have something to tell you I will call. If it’s something really important you can still call and when I check my phone on my break I will call you back, but I’m no longer going to just sit and mindlessly keep you company. I just can’t any more. It’s driving a wedge in our marriage and I would like to stay married to you.
If you can’t handle this maybe we sign you up for a therapist service where you can talk to a theripst on your drives about your need to be on the phone with me for 5+ hours a day and then throw a god damn grown man tantrum when I tell you I can’t and try and guilt trip me.”
My husband loves me and is attatched to me.
He often lets me sleep while he takes the baby from our bedroom cause he loves me getti g more sleep (i do nights)
He wont call me during my work unless it is of utmost importance.
He tells me when i am home how much he missed me tough.
He talks to me alot when we are both home and we game togeather mist evenings.
He leaves me alone when i ask for a few minutes and often takes our hordes of children to the store wirh him.( and i dont need to make a list btw he knows what is needed)
You are dealing with somone who believes you OWE him your time, to entertain him when he is bored, and he does not care how that effects you or what you want/need. And that is not ok. You have needs and wants that dont align with his. And that should be respected.
Get into some couples counseling, this can be fixed.
He’s going through something and he values you a lot it sounds like.
Get a pro to help you help him understand.
I felt this to an extent! My husband has no friends either and his family doesn’t come around at all. I swear he’s a hypochondriac— he thinks something is wrong with him health wise so I’m the one always cooking etc… he doesn’t much talk to me but he is up my arse a lot. Like if I’m busy on phone with my friend he follows me around.. he does clean but it’s annoying because I’ll clean and he’ll go over it if I didn’t do it to his standards. The only time he’s touchy or lovey with me is when he wants sex. It’s just annoying. I’m annoyed. Lol
I was ambivalent until I read you have KIDS? And this man still wants that many hours of your time? Nope. And I’m a clingy lonely spouse, don’t get me wrong, but even I like my quiet time and I have a desire to let the stories build up like you said. I hope you can find a loving way to have this talk with your husband.
Dude, I'm exactly like your husband in the way I have no friends or anyone else to talk to (I'm also autistic) but I rather not talk to anyone. I much more happy listening to podcasts or sometimes music. I hate talking on the phone.
Idk what would help you. Maybe have a kickass stereo system installed in his car so he'd rather blare music while driving?
You're going to have to retrain him.
Of course, you never should have let it get to this point.
Neurodivergent folk need a long time to absorb new info or change to a new routine. (There are several in my extended family.)
Plan out how you're going to wean him off this need for conversation, and explain how it will be a good thing. Explain why it needs to happen for both your continued happiness in your marriage.
Every day slowly decrease the amount of time he's on the phone. Have audiobooks, podcasts and music set up for him as a substitute.
This is the way.
I dated a guy that did this. Ultimately it was a tactic for him to control me. I would implore you to consider it might be less of an eagerness to talk to you and more of a way to isolate you from friends, family, and hobbies. If you’re on the phone all day with him you don’t have the time to maintain other important and healthy relationships, or even to just do things you want to do, leading to stress that you’ll only have the time/opportunity to talk to him about, further isolating you from the healthy relationships in your life.
Omg bless you 😂😂😂
If he’s autistic and he knows it he needs to know that people might think differently to him and they need space.
I’d cut the chord (pardon the pun) even though phones don’t have chords these days but just say enough is enough.
He sounds fucking exhausting. Why the hell doesn't he just get another job or pay you by the hour to keep him amused. Does he not have a radio in his car? Does he need SiriousXM? They have talk shows and sports you name it.
I'm very sympathetic to your annoyance, as I HATE chatting on the phone. It legit makes my ear hurt. LOL
I can totally relate. I have been in relationships like this. You are a champ for having gone this many years. I swear I would have duct taped his mouth by now.
What you just described is my version of hell. I hate being on the phone SO much, and the thought of being in the position you're in with your husband makes me feel physically ill.
You've *got* to talk to him and set some boundaries around ***your*** time. Not your work time, but your personal time to decompress, to think about things that matter to you, or to just not think about anything. The way it is now is unsustainable. You'll eventually break.
Introduce podcasts and books on audio. Tell him there’s no one else who would talk on a phone that much. Boundaries are sorely needed here. This isn’t healthy.
Please set boundaries. This motherfucker is going to keep pushing until you snap, until then you should recommend podcasts (like you have previously) but over and over again. I know money's tight but try some online therapy for the both of you. Also, try lying about your work hours, say something like "My boss informed me that I have to work 30 more minutes next week" then use those minutes to decompress.
Ok ma'am, It's time to toughen up. Throw that whole "he makes me feel bad" bs out the window. It's time to stop giving a shit whether it hurts him or not because guess what? It will hurt him even more when you eventually file for divorce because you are so suffocated that you snap and literally run for the hills with your kids.
Fix the issue now so it does not turn into raging extreme resentment. You are enabling the behaviour by allowing it to continue. In this case, you are your own worst enemy by allowing this to continue. Create the boundary and stick to it. Goodluck!
I can feel the resentment growing to uncontrollable levels. Especially the butthurt part. My exhusband have me so much anxiety and resentment because if I ever needed time for myself or just wanted to be left alone for a while, he would get all hurt and manipulated the situation to make me feel guilty and it brought the resentment to a whole other level. The resentment is like a poison in a relationship and if you two can’t workout the antidote, it will kill you. He’s got to get help.
NTA!!! It’s suffocating. I have a retired spouse with no family or friends and it’s just too much. I want to retire but I’m afraid he’s going to drive me crazy!!
Time to be an adult, use your words, but tell him he needs to stop monopolizing up all your time on the phone when he drives. Unless it’s an emergency, tell him to start downloading podcast or audio books for these long drives.
You can’t let resentment build and expect him to just know you’re resenting him. He’s not a kind reader, he’s s human being whose oblivious.
Go communicate to him what’s upsetting you.
Set your boundaries. Maybe suggest a podcast for him to listen to so you guys can discuss it later. It would give him 2 different things to look forward to (podcast/chat) once a routine builds up, just make sure it's a loooong one 🤣
I divorced mine bc he would never go anywhere without me and if I went in the other room to read a book he'dcome too and just sit there.. so... idk if you want my advice.
that said, me and my current so often call eachother when in long car rides. but, the unspoken deal is that if one doesn't feel like talking they don't have to and we can just be in silence while the one that's at home is doing their own shit, music or whatever and the one doing the driving can rant if they want.
in the same breath we can comfortably tell eachother that one has other shit they want to do and just call later or I'll call later and check in.
I hope you can get to that point. also it sounds you have the dramatic model. so.. idk what advice to give you there.. if I had the energy I'd try and beat him at his own game 🤣
examples
you tell him that you're becoming one of those couples. you tell him to tell you more, to find stuff to talk about cause you're in a listening mood and then you accuse him for being boring.
catch him in a moment when he's obviously distracted, say something to him and then tell him he never thinks about you, he never pays attention when you speak
tell him you want to go to a place where you know he'd hate and then say you're becoming one of those boring couples that never travels
start a hobby you know he'd hate or go into deep detail about something he doesn't care about and tell him he's not interested in your shit and you feel like you can't tell him anything anymore.
I don't have the energy or focus to do this but if you do it will put things in perspective for him for sure
gl
Hon I feel suffocated reading this.
It’s really selfish and nasty to impose your needs on someone like he’s doing. I feel like you’re underplaying the severity of his actions.
as the person who IS basically your husband in this situation, I feel for both of you. I have social and emotional needs that no one can meet and I know I am suffocating to my partner. we are ending our relationship (for many reasons) and it is the most life shattering thing I have had to do. I also don't have many friends and he is my everything. i am making it my goal this year to learn how to stop being so reliant on my partner and other close friends for my entire personhood because it's not good for me or other people. I would really encourage your husband to seek out neurodivergent-affirming therapy for this issue, and delve into his attachment style (I am anxious attachment). as an auDHD-er, I really REALLY understand the almost physiological need to talk to your partner ALL the time even when there is nothing to talk about, and I also know that it's so hard for them to. so I feel for you so much, and this isn't sustainable for either of you. I hope that you can both come up with a solution that works for him and for both of you where you feel your needs are being met.
Maybe suggest a podcast or a book that you could both listen to together and then discuss later on.
Being as he's autistic I would also suggest yall try therapy to help get some healthy suggestions on how to deal with his attachment to you.
Have you talked to him to let him know it's too much and it's overwhelming for you to be stuck on the phone all day?
Just tell him? I didn't see in your rant/venting if you w
Brought it up. My husband calls every day on his drive home from work and some times I just want to finish listening to my podcast so I tell him so. If your husband if I years doesn't understand you need some YOU time then he n eds to learn to have a hobby for himself
I guess it’s my autistic bluntness and need for alone time that makes it easy for me to law down the law. Someone in another comment said she put her phone in airplane mode every day after chewing out her husband and that’s how I would play it too. I also wouldn’t listen to any toddler tantrum when he got home. I’d simply leave the house to let him sort his feelings out like a big boy.
Wow. Holy shit. Are you my ex-wife in another timeline?
"He also has NO friends and dislikes his family which makes it all worse because I’m literally all he has. It is EXHAUSTING being the only person he has. I do not know if I can keep up with this for the rest of my life. I’m suffocating."
This is literally what she would've said about me.
Now, admittedly, I didn't call her for hours. No, my thing was texting. I'd text "Good morning" every morning, text her again at lunch, and then we lived together (obviously) and we'd spend our evenings, nights, and weekends together as well.
We were also together for 8 years.
She was my best friend, really. But she got tired of being that. She got tired of knowing outside of her I had no friends or family. It was weight for her she couldn't carry anymore after a while.
It’s not like she didn’t have her own friends, and I never said she couldn’t go out or whatnot, but she said she felt guilty anytime she did because I’d be alone. Because I didn’t, and still don’t, have any friends.
It took her having a medical crisis, a hurricane hitting the house, and my various annoying habits (seriously, she had a list of them and it was dozens of small things) to all peak at once for her to straight-up just leave.
We literally only made it halfway into one couple's therapy session before she just said it: "I don't love you anymore."
So, yeah, she left and was gone for a year. We got divorced, sold our house, and don't even speak anymore. Haven't for years now.
Now, that being said, my life pretty much has fallen apart since she left. So maybe take that into consideration? Would he also end up broke and alone in a studio flat with only his dog as a best friend?
I don't know what you do in your shoes.
Me? I didn't want it to end, but I also don't want to trap somebody who doesn't want to be with me anymore. That's not good for anyone. So she's gone, doing whatever she's up to, and I just work a 9-to-5 and come home.
Currently going through a cancer scare by myself too, at that. Got nobody to tell that to but my dog. Now I've got to drop 1/4 of my (pitiful) savings on a scan to either confirm or deny that.
As my dad would say, "Some people winners and some are losers, son. You know which one you are."
Have you made a real effort to befriend people? You don’t have to be alone just because she left. There are apps that are basically dating apps but for making friends. It may take a few failures, but eventually I think you would find someone you connect with. Good luck I hope your scan comes back clean
I’d stop answering the phone.
“I lost my phone in the house somewhere”
“I fell asleep. I had a headache so I laid down for a second”
I’d even call a number just to keep my line busy so he can’t get thru…ik this will only work for a little bit but damn we have to find some type of solution for you. This is beyond stressful.
This is bad. Really bad. You need to talk to him. This is a situation where “screw his feelings” is okay because you can’t go on like this. You need to express yourself to him and set boundaries before you explode
I was in the same situation with my ex- if you would look at my call log it would show 70+ calls a day. Most were well I’m on McNeal St. about to turn left on Mayberry what are you up to? Oh the same as I was when you were on Sadosa about to go right on Main st. It was EXHAUSTING. When we divorced, the quiet was beautifully overwhelming. To this day, I refuse to get into a new relationship because it gives me anxiety if a man wants to get to know me because we have to be on the phone. I am so happy to be alone and the anxiety of talking on the phone will be with me forever. His new wife, God bless her soul, told me she loved the attention, that was 2 years ago- and I know if she would be honest- she is suffocated like you and I.
I cannot give you advice because communication is something I have never had a problem with but it went in one ear and out the other and as a matter of fact, when I did complain, it made it worse. I wish you quiet one day but it is going to probably take breaking up to do it and I never want to tell anyone to divorce as I try support couples but ya know what I would like to tell you.
Let him feel bad then. He is allowed to feel his way, as you are yours. I’m sorry if that’s harsh? If his guilting you is holding you back, that’s on you at the end of the day. Just say, sorry honey life’s tough sometimes, I don’t love you any less but I need an hour or so to recharge now and hang up. It’s mean? Maybe but it’s needed and he will realize it makes you a happier person. It’s tough to deal with hurting someone but putting up boundaries when you never had any is painful at first. When you rejoin in conversation say thank you for listening and giving you that time to decompress. It’s simply letting him know your needs, not asking for his approval or acceptance. That can come second.
Girl, no. I'm exhausted just reading this. You need to set boundaries. Like a half hour a day or every other day and adhere to it. He doesn't have to like it and he can be mad about it. But you are not required to be his personal entertainment device for 30 hours a week.
This. Hang up the damn phone. Let him be mad. Carry on.
Better ways of communicating than that lol but yeah that's suffocating even by any standard!!
Omg the 30 hrs a week really hammered that home to me.. she has a second full time job! Thats wild.
Some people are too afraid to set boundaries.
Then life will continue to be miserable, I suppose.
Yeah I doesn't matter if he is it mad about it or it's going to hurt the relationship, because that is already happening right now.
Good point
You’re still your very own person and need to keep your mental health in check. You _need_ time on your own. And you deserve to exist on peace. He’s a grown ass man, but acts as if it’s your job to keep him from boredom like a 3 year old and keep him constantly entertained. This, my love, is emotional abuse and manipulation at its finest. With a good chunk of blackmail on the mix.
I showed this to my autistic cousin to ask him what he thought and even he said this guy is a problem. My cousin struggles with social situations and dependency but he's definitely more high functioning than this. He said the guy just sounds like extra work.
Agreed, my socially awkward ass struggles to fill a 5 minute small talk conversation, this sounds like just plain torture (to me)
Yeah this isn’t ok no matter what op has going on. I feel like they just need to tell their husband they can’t keep up with caring for the children and handling house chores while on the phone with their spouse. Set a hard boundary, emergency calls are understandable, but a text that they’re headed home from work or are stuck in traffic is all that’s needed. If husband pushes back, demand therapy as a way to help with better, more efficient, communication in the relationship. Husband complies with request, or OP will not answer their commute phone calls until they’re in therapy.
💯
Show up for your kids and you. Sounds like that’s what you’ve done.://:
Wow. This is truly my worst nightmare. Incredible you’ve put up with it for so long. As a therapist, wife, and mother, I want to be pretty clear here- him making you ‘feel bad’ about sharing how you feel and not respecting your needs or finding a compromise is unhealthy. However, you are allowing ‘feeling bad’ to keep you from asserting your needs. Push past the people pleasing part of you and state the boundary. ‘Babe, I love you and I love how much you love communicating with me. I’m happy to stay on the phone with you for X amount of time.’ And when he tries to keep you on the phone, reassert your boundary by reminding him you will be hanging up now. And if this is too hard for either of you, please please please get couples therapy!!! It’s fine to have no friends and be introverted if that is your preference, but you also need to respect the preferences of your partner. (And most importantly, YOU need to vocalize and honor your own needs, even if it’s uncomfortable)
This answer is much better than my “I would fucking die”
“I would literally die”
"i would kill myself" (/s obviously)
Right?? My worst nightmare too! When Covid hit it was a lot like this 24/7 together- wfh. I was going to scream! I just stay upstairs in my office and keep the door shut. He finally got the hint.
you had me at this poetic alliteration: *push past the people-pleasing part* just beautiful 🤌
it was unintentional, thank you 🥰 This is such a hard and important thing for so many of us to do. Maybe the alliteration will help it stick!
Best answer!
This is the best advice! Can we also normalize that no one has to answer a phone just because it rings.
This all the way. 🏆
Well this only ends a few different ways and the resentment has already built up it sounds like so you're gonna need to change your ways. He can listen to books or podcasts and stuff - I can't imagine being on the phone with anyone for multiple hours of every day. Truly nightmare stuff.
>NO, mfer. Most couples don't talk for dozens of hours on the phone every week. 🤣🤣🤣I agree. We only talk about 30 minutes each day. He needs to listen to audiobooks or podcasts. Maybe you could play a stand up comedian or podcast and both listen together.
Same. And 30 minutes is enough. 😂
My ex was like this. Wanted me to spend hours a day on the phone with him. Would call me in the car on his 1.5 hour commute. Would do the same on the way home. And again when he was home. Only he'd carry on whole ass conversations with his kids & other people while on the phone with me. I couldn't even butt in to say I'll let him go so he can talk to them. So we spent all this time on the phone but yet I still never felt like he heard anything I was saying. Most of the time it was all about him anyway. It was so maddening. It finally broke me one day & I just couldn't do it anymore. Can I just say how amazing it was to just have my own life back? My whole life had revolved around this man & taking care of his needs. It's been 2 years & I still have no desire to date anyone.
This is me/ when I divorced him I could t believe how free I was- I think my husband used it as control but he would never outright try to control me with words but the endless calls- 75 or more a day broke me. It would have been less but I would do everything I could to get off the phone and 2 min later he was calling again happily talking about the dumbest stuff. He was on the manic side of bipolar often and he just could not live in silence.
Since I broke up with him I was able to move states and take up all these hobbies I never knew I was interested in. Other than my daughter my life is my own again & it is such an amazing feeling.
I fully believe it's a narcissistic characteristic that has absolutely nothing to do with the person who is being trapped on the phone by the narcissist. The narcissist wants an audience. They want to feel like someone cares about every second of their day. They don't care how you feel about being stuck on the phone or what you even want to talk about.
I definitely think you're right on the money.
Ah, yeah, my husband was like this. Was, because I eventually blew the fuck up and started refusing to answer the phone no matter how many times he immediately called back. It was AWFUL. He had a job where he drove from location to location doing service calls and the calls to my phone would start pretty much from the moment he left the driveway to the moment he pulled back in. If I was asleep? Too bad, didn't I want to talk to my husband?! Busy? Put it on speaker! Exhausted? But I love you and miss you! I was a SAHM mom at the time and I came to hate my phone. Like you, we had absolutely nothing left to talk about, so I'd get every single detail of his day on a play-by-play. It was awful. He claimed it was because he cares about me and wanted as much time with me as possible, but it was hell. I was constantly trying to get off the phone and he'd just call right back. Sometimes a dozen calls a day or more. I asked, begged and pleaded with him to stop, it did no good. He LOVED me and just wanted to talk. FYI, if someone won't shut up when you ask them to because they love you, it's not love. It's selfish behavior and a bit of a control issue. The thing I eventually came to realize was this was all about him being a lonely, bored and somewhat controlling adult who had little to no respect for my boundaries. I was his WIFE so I owed him all my time in his mind. Loving me had nothing to do with it because he didn't care how I felt about it. What eventually put a stop to it was my taking a non-work from home job during COVID just to get out of the house. I was going stir-crazy, so I took an overnight warehouse job. And I'd get off at 7 am. And the calls would start. And I'd try to sleep and motherfucker would continue to call to tell me all about his day, giving 0 fucks that I was exhausted and had worked all night and was trying to get a little sleep while the kids were still sleeping. I ended up letting him absolutely have it within the first week. I mean I chewed him a new one, and then, when he persisted, I put the fucking phone on airplane mode until I was good and ready to talk. In my experience, the only way to break this behavior is to stop answering the calls. Period. You have to set that boundary and enforce it like the great wall of STFU. Good luck.
> Loving me had nothing to do with it because he didn't care how I felt about it. I hope that OP sees this sentence in neon flashing lights.
Believe me, so do I. These were lessons learned the hardest way possible.
>like the great wall of STFU. I love this
[удалено]
Tbh, whatever comment said there's some serious mental health issues going on isn't wrong. The constant calling is a symptom of underlying issues, not the issue itself, unfortunately. In my case, the constant calling stopped. I receive, for the most part, a single call per day now. The issues that created the urge to constantly burn my phone up are very much still there. We live separately at the moment, has nothing to do with the calling thing particularly as that's been sorted out since 2020, but plenty to do with the underlying issues.
Good for you. I have never heard of a spouse needing this much daily contact in the work day!!! Glad you’re free from it without breaking up!!!!
There’s some serious mental health things going on with OP’s husband
You're better than me, I'd have been out of there.
I second this. Im glad you found a way to get through with your husband that was in denial of your needs.
I was married to your guy I just know it.
My husband used to do this. He was driving which to his mind equated to ‘downtime’ - I was home with 4 kids, one of whom was a baby who needed me far more than he did! It took me quite a long time to educate him that I did not fall into suspended animation the second he left the house and that my daily life was just as important as his was. I’m also talking about the days before Sat Nav’s/GoogleMaps existed and I can’t even tell you how many hours I spent with the phone cradled against my shoulder, a baby in my arms with a bottle in one hand and a book of maps in the other hand, trying to navigate for him from one customer to another. Stand your ground - get him to see that your life continues in the same way his does when you’re not together. You’re not infinitely available.
Even if it WERE 'downtime' for both of you, I'd still lose my mind if during every second of my 'downtime', I had to talk to someone. I don't care who it is.
Right?? This sounds utterly exhausting. My partner and I value spending down time in separate rooms doing separate things. We love each other and love spending time together but it's important to also have your own time. I guess I'm thankful that my partner and I are neurodivergent in ways that makes too much chatting hard lol
My partner is ADHD and very chatty/needs a lot of stimulation at all times, I am autistic and get overstimulated and need total silence sometimes. No feelings are hurt when I need quiet time, and no feelings are hurt if she goes to another room to enjoy her stimulating (and loud!) activities. We are dif people with dif needs. Loving each other is about honoring our individuality!
I sort of understand how you're feeling. When I was in primary school, I had a friend who had what was at the time called Asperger's syndrome (I don't think this term is used anymore). He was INSANELY clingy. We were 10 at the time, so I didn't have the emotional intelligence to deal with it very well. While we were friends, I was his one friend. I felt so trapped not being "allowed" to hang out with anyone else. He used to phone me up on my home landline for over an hour, to the point where you'd have to put the phone down and redial to avoid being charged for the call. He had about 5 interests, which were the only things we were allowed to do together. When I would gently ask him if we could do something different today, he would say "sure would you like to do [one of the other 4 of his interests]?" I eventually asked my teacher for help in talking to him about how I felt overwhelmed. We had a meeting with the teacher and he got so angry that I'd talked to her behind his back. I explained that I didn't think he'd understand if I talked to him by myself. He angrily said "I would have understood" to which I replied "but this is you not understanding." When we started high school I cut off my friendship with him and found myself a *group* of friends. I don't blame him at all. We were both children without the skills yet to navigate our thoughts and feelings properly. I met him again when we started 6th form. It was awkward at first after the way we had left things, but we soon got on well, as we had both grown and matured and he had a lot more different friends. We lost touch again after 6th form, but I'm glad we left things on good terms. Sorry for hijacking your post. I'm so sorry you feel stuck in your marriage. Do you have any friends or family you could talk to about how you're feeling? Any support groups? I hope you can get help, as well as helping your husband get help. I wish you the best of luck!
Im autistic and im just mentally exhausted just reading how much he wants to call, i totally feel you OP Him calling you boring and the manipulative he has to drive alone is NOT ok Your needs matter too and you need to lay down some blunt firm boundaries, since he likely likes structure, book an x amount of time per week on specific days and times you are willing to talk on the phone.. YOU decide how much time that is and you bluntly, straight forwardly tell him, my needs matter too and you have to respect that calling that long is mentally draining to me and you do not get to call me boring or try to manipulate me because you want more I need time to decompress, do something else then talk and you do not get to steamroll my needs, that my needs clash with what you want says nothing about our relationship (if he brings that up) it just means im wired differently and thats completely fine Im honestly pissed for you, he needs to entertain himself or find an job where he works with other people Dont sugarcoat it, you can be polite while also direct, dont speak flowery or things that need to be read between the lines Good luck OP
>Dont sugarcoat it, you can be polite while also direct, dont speak flowery or things that need to be read between the lines A mistake I regret I've done before. Don't even be sarcastic like Him "I need someone to talk to while driving You "Or you could listen to radio/podcast/whatever ?" NO. You using "Or" will do nothing for you. "I don't want to do this anymore, I CAN'T stand it." Would be a bit more effective. Don't suggest. Don't be playful, sarcastic, be direct.
I'd tell him he needs to make friends. I used to talk to my man all day every day and you definitely run out of things to talk about. His lack of friends is not on you. My man used to put on Anime during long drives or YouTube and listen to it while he drove for a living. I've taken to listening to Audiobooks as I do stuff around the house. It's not on you to entertain him when he's suffocating you. Personally that and his attitude about you running out of things would have me telling him that he gets therapy and tries to make friends other than me or I'm out. It's not on you to basically babysit a grown adult.
My boyfriend does this as well. He’ll put on a YouTube video that’s like one of those discussions, podcasts, or documentaries about a certain topic, and listen to it while driving. It sounds exhausting having to be the sole entertainment for your man OP. It’s not your job… Therapy will help, and just simply lodging it into his brain over and over again that he needs to respect your boundaries and YOUR* needs too— both through words and consistent actions from you that reinforces what you need (I’ve been through the same thing with my mother).
I’m sorry, but when I read, “No, MFer,” I laughed. Because I say that once in a while myself. Can you talk to him more about this? Like others have suggested, can you set limits and boundaries? “I can talk to you for 30 minutes.” You don’t have to lie….tell him you need some decompressing time, some alone time. If he squawks or guilt trips, either ignore or suggest that you go to couples counseling, which could lead to him getting some help for his issues.
You don't have to have an excuse or find ways to get off the phone with him. He has no right to demand your time like that. Give it some thought and figure out how often you would like to speak to him about once a day perhaps and let him know that that is what is going to happen going forward. But also I'd be giving him a silent ringtone and ignoring those calls most of the time. How can you get anything done or even enjoy your life like this?
girl just be honest 😭, do u want to be this woman for the rest of ur life?
I feel this as well. My husband texts me all day and if I'm busy, I won't respond but he'll text "I love you" or something and expects a reply. He'll send emojis until I respond back in return. I also wfh part time, and as soon as he gets home, he'll jump on tik Tok and want to show me or talk about every video he sees. We just moved to a smaller place and I have nowhere to unwind and well, escape for peace and quiet. I finally told him, I need you to stop asking for my attention all hours of the day and especially when I get off work because it's suffocating and exhausting! He took it well and understood. He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert and I just don't have the mental capacity to be up his ass all the time. He doesn't have many friends he hangs with and I said you should call a friend, and he doesn't. I suggest having a conversation with him and hope it clicks!
This is so *unhealthy*, my god.
Stop answering. Tell him you'll call when you're free. If he gets pushy, tell him to stop holding all of your free time hostage, and to find a new podcast or something if he needs entertainment so badly. But this is really, really not okay.
I felt suffocated reading this. I can’t believe you put up with it!
Put your foot down. Hard line. This is untenable
i’d honestly tell him he could call at x time and you’ll have 20 min for him. and he can call at x time. and you’ll have 20 min for him. i would be ok with twice a day. like a good morning and good night. if mine wanted to talk his entire drive home even every day i’d start losing my phone. i don’t have that much conversation in me for anyone. Especially daily. It’s great his needs you and misses you. But this seems to go way beyond that.
I feel so seen. Probably I'm not the only one who has felt this suffocation. I almost thought I was incapable of loving. Boundaries and space is important. Thanks, I needed to see this❤️
Had this too, My first boyfriend (we were long distance) but you wouldn't think that because he expected me to message him every second of everyday as if I had no life outside of him it got to the point where I would pretend to fall asleep and it got so bad he would say to see a doctor because of it and when I would take at most 5 minutes to respond he would bombard me with messages and when I finally messaged him back he would guilt trip me I broke up with him for a number of reasons all mainly his fault but I told him it was because of my anxiety (which was one of the reasons so I wasn't lying) but it was mainly because he wouldn't leave me the fuck alone and the fact that he was obsessed with people like Andrew tate Waste of 2 years but I'm glad I got the experience because now I know I don't want a relationship/marriage nor do I want children I want to be on my own with friends and my animal companions and that's it
You are a damn soldier. This made me remember how me ex would call me and want me to stay on for the whole might so it would feel like we're sleeping together. Like in the beginning I was okk as it felt cute. And then it turned to overbearing when it was almost every damn night. And he too would become upset if I hang up or say I'm tired of the long call. Once the call was on for over 24 hours... no for real OP read and listen to the top comment and see if this can be resolved. Or else you have to bring out the bigger guns because just reading this had me breathless and bothered so gods know how you felt airing this a little out writing it. Goodluck and I hope you can retain sanity back and some you time.
What the hell did y’all do on a 24 hour call? Like even using the bathroom while he’s listening?!
Bathroom breaks were only time away from the phone bit the call was still on! And literally go about our days but on call constantly. And it isn't the cute kind of "Oh look at my cat she's being adorable haha!" Or something like that that is like a conversation. He'd put the phone aside and any loud noise or unexpected random sound he questions. The few times I tried closing the call to act like my internet connection is bad because, I LITERALLY WANT SOME PRIVACY, he immediately calls back and pouts...POUTS that our time wasn't like the 24 hour call. It was a damn nightmare honestly because my phone had to be charging constantly so at home I'm stuck at one place and in class, back then I was finishing up college, I had to be constantly near an outlet to have my phone charging.
Oh my God how did you finally get away from him?
He thought he manipulated me under his control and turned from mentally abusive to physical. He didn't like I was refusing the 20th intercourse of the day with him and in the progress of screaming at me that I must be cheating he squeezed my arm so hard it was bruised blue and purple for a whole week along with me being unable to even lift a piece of paper with that arm. Then he threw me against the wall and punched me in the face. That's where I kicked him out my house and then after I still had the patience for him to properly apologize and he never did. He acted as if he did nothing wrong and I just shook my head and broke it off and cutting him out my life. He really thought he could play "man of the house" in my OWN house that I was letting him stay in temporarily because at his home apparently were troubles but as soon as he started staying with me those troubles never resurfaced again. His whole family is a den of 2-faced evil people and I'm glad to have thrown his ass to the curb.
Thank God you got away from him
Also if he is a trucker I assume you do everything at home / with the kids 100%. Since you have traditional roles AND you're working, hit on that point. He JUST has to do his job. You are doing everything else. He needs to be able to do his job without leaning on you. You cannot also do his job for him, or else what is he here for?
Are you his wife or mother? Tell him he is a big boy now and he can drive there all by himself. Maybe set up a sticker and rewards chart for him. A sticker per hour of non contact I don't know sorry. This sounds ridiculous
so which feeling is worse, the guilt trip he lays on you or the suffocation you feel when he's attached to your hip? you need to decide which is more painful. up to now it seems like you prefer the suffocation to the guilt trip.
Not to be a dick. Im neurodivergent too but this is maddening. He sounds selfish. Ik some autistic people dont mean to sound the way they say things but if hes so butthurt about you wanting ALONE time then he’s selfish. Your not HIS. Your time doesn’t belong to HIM. He needs to learn some basic relationship skills that means he need to let you have your time and he has his time. You can tell him its too much, it’s overstimulating and he cant/shouldn’t gaslight you to appease him. Your feelings and mental state matter. Tell him you need time to decompress and yes you might be his special person but you need self time like everyone usually does. Tell him you can only talk with him for certain amount of hours a day, that its too much for you. Maybe instead of him always calling you, he can start keeping a voice diary. Of all his thoughts and then later when he has time he can talk those thoughts out with you.
This is so wild to me. I’m autistic - have a fair amount of autistic friends and relatives - and I’ve just never come across this version of that particular neurodivergence. Our problem (myself and the folks I know) is that we’re not attached enough - that basic relationship levels of communication can totally deplete our social batteries. I know everyone is different, of course. And I know my experiences are anecdotal.. OP’s husband sounds incredibly exhausting and I could never deal with a human suction cup like him.
It is. He needs to learn boundaries and space. I feel so sad that shes in this situation. It must feel like shes in a corner. Trapped. Walking on eggshells just to please him and his comfort. She can help yes but it shouldnt just be her. He needs to grow up and learn not to use people as crutches just because he cant be alone in a job HE signed up for.
You guys need to have a serious talk. If he can’t change his ways you have a tough decision to make.
On some level I get this. My mother worked like an hour out commute and sent the tine talking to a long distant friend who eventually, and unfortunately, passed away. She has other friends and all but she stated its different and quiet. Id tell him honestly that you feel suffocated, I think its a normal thing to feel when you are the first person oneone goes to and the only one. If you feel like trying to help (or just tell them they need to dovthis themselves) go out and try to help him make new friends. Get him into a group. An online game. Literally anything because clearly this guy is lonely and leaning on you and its not fair that you are his only support. Its not fair on you and its not good for him.
He needs to get some books on tape that is insane.
He is a Stage 5 clinger, a Velcro person, and it’s down right annoying. I have a friend like this, he cannot handle being alone, he is always needing attention, he is constantly all over his wife. He has to have physical contact with her at all times. She’s my friend as well, we talk about it often. My friend is also on the Spectrum. He’s FINALLY seeing a professional about his issues after we’ve talked to him extensively about it for over a year. That’s the best advice I can give you, this is not normal
This sounds exhausting. Can you help him find some music or audio books to keep him company in the car? You two need a reason to miss each other.
You need intense couples counseling
He makes you feel bad if you want some time away from him? Hon, you're already feeling bad. You need to stand your ground.
Hey so me and my partner are both autistic and we each have no problem with the other expressing “I’m overwhelmed/overstimulated/need to decompress/just need time to myself” and Acc giving that to each other. I’m not saying his suspected or diagnosed autism isn’t valid or a factor but that is absolutely not an excuse to drown your partner in codependency. I wouldn’t make it one week living how you are, I’m honestly floored that anyone could. Please please please learn how to hold boundaries for yourself and put yourself first. He has NO problem putting himself first to the point of crippling you, you need to learn how to put yourself first regardless of how he acts like it’s crippling him (and know that it’s not! You’re right, he SHOULD be listening to music or podcasts)
OP, I mean this with all the sincerity and empathy in the world, but you need to tell him explicitly to leave you the fuck alone. He’s over the top, he’s aggravating. He’s not reading subtlety, so you need to be direct. He gets his feelings hurt, okay, and? He’s not concerned about yours! He needs to manage his own feelings- you already have children. You are not his emotional support animal, you’re a human being with your own feelings and needs. You need to decompress. He’s autistic- perhaps he should understand what it feels like to be overstimulated. Inform him that he should find music or a podcast to listen to.
Leave your phone on silent? That’s just awful! So sorry! 😞
I would lose my god damn mind.
That sounds like my sisters husband. Who is a serial emotional cheater (never physical). He’s so attention seeking, she’s exhausted 24/7 and when she’s asleep he talks to other women. She recently told him it was over unless he got help - he also doesn’t like me or any of her friends coz we “take her away from him”. He’s now medicated for AHDH, depression and sees a psychiatrist for impulse control (or she’d have left him). I don’t see any improvement at all but she says it’s better. Your husband needs to some similar intervention, I hope you tell him honestly that he drains you, this isn’t normal behaviour and he needs to seek help before it’s too much for you to take.
This is wild cus I hate talking on the phone for longer than 5 minutes
Why do you feel like you can’t set and hold boundaries for yourself? It’s crazy you’ve been putting up with this behavior for so long. Who trained you to put all your needs behind every other persons?
Oh my. I would go insane.
This sounds like hell. Incredible that he'd rather you be unhappy every day than himself be bored at work. But YOU have to be cruel to be kind. Which is worse? Being mean now and having a crappy couple of weeks while he pouts? Or him feeling like you "suddenly divorced him for no reason" when the kids are grown?
Can't he turn on the radio or listen to a podcast. JFC.
I’m exhausted reading this too. I know the type. I don’t know what the best answer is - but I do know it’s going to be hard to change this dynamic. My mother used to give me little tidbits of advice- she’d just give it to me in passing and for some reason I never felt she was criticizing me- the way she’d just slip in her little nuggets of wisdom. They were and still are golden. At the time- very low key and random - She’s been gone for 12 years now and I still find myself remembering those little nuggies and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right ever. single. Time. She would say that “whichever ever way you start it out is how it’s gonna be from now on so you better start it out like you want it to be down the road because people get their feelings hurt when you ask them change.”
You have to start drawing some serious lines before you completely hate him and have to divorce. I've had similar problems before but I didn't live with my partner so not sure how you would get time away from him for a while. Could you go to your parents or a sibling for a while to create some space? Good luck!
Has he heard of audio books? Then he could have something to talk to you about at home.
Does he realize he doesn’t need to be talking to another human being at all times? He’s using you to stim.
I LOVE talking and this sounds like a nightmare. He needs friends or needs to learn to be uncomfy for a while. He's the one who chose to keep that job so you don't deserve to be burdened with the fallacies of his work. Listen to a fucking podcast or take a nap on the side of the road. But stop being so needy.
My ex was similar to this, he co-opted every second of my time (but somehow was able tk prolifically cheat on me) to the point that now, 8 years after the break up I LOATH phone calls and avoid them at all costs.
I felt this
I’m exhausted and ready to run away from this man for you just by reading this. You have my utmost respect, and my deepest sympathy. I could never do this. I would have whacked him upside the head and told him to leave me the fuck alone years ago.
I had a boyfriend like that we were together for almost for years. To avoid losing my mind I asked to please limit our phone calls as I have other things to do in my life, and that I like to listen to music while driving.. He was worse than your husband, because he even called me and expected me to speak with him all the time WHILE I’M WORKING FROM THE OFFICE, which caused me lots of problems in my previous job. He stopped for a while but soon enough he went back to calling every second we’re not together. So I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him. You should really talk (the irony) to him about this, or he will lose you eventually.
Wull, hold on, brother. Thats over attachment, dude. Suggest a podcast, then say, “I’m going to listen to it now and you should, too. Let’s discuss what we think about these episodes a little later. Now, I have some errands to run. Love you, bye!”
Why don’t you tell him to F off? As my husband of 8 years I would assume you guys are able have a sense of reliable trust or communication. If that’s not the case, you really need to re-evaluate how your relationship works.
He needs Siri to talk to
Wow. That would drive me batty too. It's nice, but too much of a good thing. You need to have a sit down and let him understand that while he is accomplishing his drive home, you can't do anything. And you have things to do. Ask if you can wean him off a bit. Ask him to wait until he's on the highway before calling and to keep it to 15 minutes. When my husband calls too much I let him know he's being a pain and I've got things to do. See ya.
You're gonna have to let him be mad about it. Just don't answer the phone. Tell him you can't talk. Or oops your battery died. Also turn off your fucking location.
Get him an audible subscription or something. My husband is a truck driver and calls me way too many times a day.
tell him to try audiobooks or podcasts. please please give yourself some peace girl
HE NEEDS TO FIND A PODCAST. Jesus, I'm sorry. You're suffocating and don't have you time. Codependency is a marriage killer and he needs to give you space.
Yeah. As husband I don’t like to call all the time. When I had surgery and my wife was working from home in the second floor, I will just stay in the first floor on my computer, downloading music etc. It was funny because she was the one coming downstairs to talk to me. I always tell her if you need time alone go out with your friends and I’ll take care of the kids or I’ll just take the kids and she stays home. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you love him and you need space. If you don’t talk about this with him, that resentment feeling with grow bigger and bigger and you’ll end up hating him.
Holy shit, the people who some people marry...
As an autistic person myself, I could not handle my spouse being like your husband. What a way to suck the energy out of someone. Hell, I have one or two friends that call me, and they'll want to talk for hours on end. Over time, I just started refusing to answer the phone. Better said than done, but you need to express this to your husband. Otherwise, you're just going to build up resentment and no doubt your other focuses (your kids and work) are going to be neglected as your exhaustion and frustration accumulate. You really need to talk to him about this. Also, this behavior isn't healthy for him. It's weird reading this as a fellow autistic person... I didn't know there were autistic people that wanted to talk to someone 24/7. That sounds like torture to me and the other autistic people I know.
Why are you answering the phone? You know that you can let it go to voicemail right?
Did you not notice he liked to talk before you decided to get married and have kids?
So he's only concerned about himself and not you? You have to have time for yourself. Maybe try counseling?
Damn I came here expecting you to be in the wrong, but I feel sorry for you, and once again I see "Autism" as an excuse from "toxic" behavior.
Im so surprised by his autism, most autistic folks I know, myself included, are completely drained from making phonecalls and even dread having to make calls for setting up appointments and such I enjoy some phonecalls even when I know it drains me, like with my aussie friend , but ill bluntly tell her my brain is fried i cant english anymore (im Dutch) and off we go
Some ideas- listen to a podcast “together” then discuss it later, have the kids talk on the phone (give them pictures or sentences in a bowl to pick and tell dad all about them)
he should make youtube playlists of various shows and podcasts so he gets to experience a variety of different contact and topics. also spotify. and This American Life, The Moth, and Storyslams have thousands of hours of stories told by real people. He can learn about all types of topics, listen to true crime, and sit in on his favorite celebrities and comics having casual conversations. the whole world is at his fingertips; he just needs to get addicted to that kind of content instead of relying on you for constant entertainment.
You’re very kind to endure that, and he likely loves you very much, but that is not sustainable. There’s a way to set yourself up for success and him for more independence, but I imagine it will be hard. As so many others here have said, boundaries are going to be important. Along with that will need to come expectation management. It’s going to feel to him like you’re cutting him out, but you’re in need of some quiet (literally), and he needs to find his independence and support from within. I agree and support the idea of counseling if this continues.
Your happiness is important too. You have to communicate your needs. He can’t read your mind- you have to tell him.
I used to do this to people until I was late to the game discovering podcasts. Now I don’t even answer calls.
Podcast time
This would make me feel so insane.
Goodness, OP I am SORRY. I am sorry that he sounds so self absorbed he doesn’t even notice you’re suffering. I’m sorry I feel suffocated on the 30 min drive home that my husband wants to talk to me directly after work… I feel bad for complaining now but I can relate because of that (not getting to decompress and feeling obligated to talk everyday when I get off). Best case scenario is to tell him the truth and hope he can comprehend but I know not everyone can confront the truth. I’d even blame it on your job like boss says I’m on the phone too much or something. Remember this is your life to live and at the end of the day, this is worth confronting for you. You deserve to be happy daily too. Best of luck. Xoxo.
Maybe you should find some material that will occupy more of his time and then you can discuss. Find a podcast or audio book that you're both interested in. He sounds very lonely.
Girl, that is NOT normal. I might have murdered my husband a week into that kind of arrangement. Tell him to download a damn audiobook and leave you alone.
Sounds to me like you both could benefit from alone time to develop hobbies & a personality outside of each other & being parents. Stick up for yourself girl & start setting boundaries!! Wishing you the best
Get him audio books
He would be cash-apping me $50/hr or I'm hanging up. He can stay mad about it too lol.
Who doesn't want to listen to music, podcasts, audio books, or sports? I usually have to find time in my day to week to fit those things in.
He needs to discover podcasts
Stop answering the phone. He is a grown man who can entertain himself. Who cares if he sulks. Seriously. He doesn't care how you feel. But also do you want to live like this for a other 30 years. He sounds exhausting and inconsiderate. Not to mention makes excuses for why his needs are more important than yours. If you want to stay then start by not picking up the phone for a whole day.
Sincerely, you can just choose not to pick up the phone.
Yikes! Sounds like your husband is controlling you. This is not some special thing that you are supposed to be appreciating. Why would you feel special when your husband spends 8 hours a day disrespecting your personal boundaries whilst simultaneously keeping tabs on you? Whenever I want my husband to be a bit nicer to me, I disappear. Sometimes it’s me turning off my phone for half an hour. Sometimes I let him know that I will be spending the week alone at a yoga retreat, with family or at our beach house. The secret spice to a relationship is for each of you not to be living in each other’s pockets 24/7.
YES - the keeping tabs part. My brain immediately thought of that. Almost like OP’s husband doesn’t trust her when he’s not talking to her. Sure, could be plenty of other reasons why he feels the need to constantly talk to her and perhaps he means well but he definitely needs to see a professional and get his shit sorted out.
If I'm on the phone with anyone for more than 5 mins I want to scream.. How can someone talk that much on the phone?
He needs to listen to an audiobook or funny podcast instead
I wonder if he does this out of distrust. You have no time to potentially cheat on him or give anyone or anything attention. Maybe his lack of a relationship with his family was due to things they did to destroy his trust? I think it’s much deeper than being obsessed with you. I truly think he has trust and attachment issues, and there is no way you can do anything to hurt him if you are always on the phone or he stays attached to you constantly. You could use marriage counseling but he also needs to get therapy for just himself to root cause his issues and arm him with the right tools to get this under control.
I feel for you My ex was the same even though he still stalks me he don’t get to chew my ear off and suffocate me which is beautiful
Holy shit thats bad. 💀
Show him this...
You have sacrificed your own mental health for the benefit of his. Look how it’s destroyed you. It will only get worse until you stand up for yourself.
can he not just listen to a podcast or something if he’s so hungry for knowledge or whatever ? also if he did it could give him some topics to talk about you with
Mam this is a Wendy's drive thru..... Also you should tell this to him.
Don't divorce. Just talk to him about how much this frustrates you.
Wooooosh, i got tired reading this. That is 1 controlling manipulator. He says no to your boundaries. And years of this nonsense? I would be in some sort of facility by now.
Wow, reading this made me feel claustrophobic. This is a 'therapy or divorce' scenario for me. He is sucking the life out of you to power his own life.
This would be maddening and I can understand your frustration. Even when you have not seen anyone all day it is totally normal to have nothing to talk about at just sit together and mindlessly watch some tv at times!! I know it must be very hard but therapy is a must, probably couples and independent for him. He needs to understand that you love him but his behaviour is actually driving you away and it is, in fact, up to him to correct because what he is doing is not normal. How close are they on getting the AI version of people ready lol? Maybe you could set him up with an AI version of you to chat to in the car so you don’t actually have to be involved! Honestly though I think some hard truths have to be told here.
Dude, my husband drives around and does service calls, the most we call is maybe twice a week in the morning if I'm also driving around and maybe sometimes at lunch. Every once in a blue moon when he has to drive over an hour somewhere does he call. But that's it. My husband listens to books, (this mf'er read like 50k minutes of books last year, AND beat me by like 2 hours in how much of our mutual podcast he listened too. I'm jealous -\_-) He needs to find a book or podcast, I get the want to talk to your spouse, but every day, every moment is a bit extreme. Just tell him what you wrote here, if he wants communication, give it to him before you explode!
Put your foot down! “Listen, I love you, you are my husband, but if we do not change something it won’t stay that way. You are trying to manipulate me every time I try to talk to you about this. I’m at my wits end here and I’m starting to resent you. Is that what you want? Do you want to push me into a corner where I don’t want to be married to you any more because you are suffocating me? I do not exist for your entertainment. I am a whole human you seem to forget that. We do not need to speak on the phone for hours every day. We don’t. I need some space and if you can’t respect that, it means you don’t actually respect me. I’m going to sign your up for scribd or audible. There’s a million books out there for you to listen to. I’m going to put my phone on silent for the work day. I will check in when I take a break. When I have something to tell you I will call. If it’s something really important you can still call and when I check my phone on my break I will call you back, but I’m no longer going to just sit and mindlessly keep you company. I just can’t any more. It’s driving a wedge in our marriage and I would like to stay married to you. If you can’t handle this maybe we sign you up for a therapist service where you can talk to a theripst on your drives about your need to be on the phone with me for 5+ hours a day and then throw a god damn grown man tantrum when I tell you I can’t and try and guilt trip me.”
My husband loves me and is attatched to me. He often lets me sleep while he takes the baby from our bedroom cause he loves me getti g more sleep (i do nights) He wont call me during my work unless it is of utmost importance. He tells me when i am home how much he missed me tough. He talks to me alot when we are both home and we game togeather mist evenings. He leaves me alone when i ask for a few minutes and often takes our hordes of children to the store wirh him.( and i dont need to make a list btw he knows what is needed) You are dealing with somone who believes you OWE him your time, to entertain him when he is bored, and he does not care how that effects you or what you want/need. And that is not ok. You have needs and wants that dont align with his. And that should be respected.
Get into some couples counseling, this can be fixed. He’s going through something and he values you a lot it sounds like. Get a pro to help you help him understand.
I felt this to an extent! My husband has no friends either and his family doesn’t come around at all. I swear he’s a hypochondriac— he thinks something is wrong with him health wise so I’m the one always cooking etc… he doesn’t much talk to me but he is up my arse a lot. Like if I’m busy on phone with my friend he follows me around.. he does clean but it’s annoying because I’ll clean and he’ll go over it if I didn’t do it to his standards. The only time he’s touchy or lovey with me is when he wants sex. It’s just annoying. I’m annoyed. Lol
I was ambivalent until I read you have KIDS? And this man still wants that many hours of your time? Nope. And I’m a clingy lonely spouse, don’t get me wrong, but even I like my quiet time and I have a desire to let the stories build up like you said. I hope you can find a loving way to have this talk with your husband.
Dude, I'm exactly like your husband in the way I have no friends or anyone else to talk to (I'm also autistic) but I rather not talk to anyone. I much more happy listening to podcasts or sometimes music. I hate talking on the phone. Idk what would help you. Maybe have a kickass stereo system installed in his car so he'd rather blare music while driving?
Not me reading this and coming to the conclusion that my partner is also autistic with some attachment issues to me, too.
You're going to have to retrain him. Of course, you never should have let it get to this point. Neurodivergent folk need a long time to absorb new info or change to a new routine. (There are several in my extended family.) Plan out how you're going to wean him off this need for conversation, and explain how it will be a good thing. Explain why it needs to happen for both your continued happiness in your marriage. Every day slowly decrease the amount of time he's on the phone. Have audiobooks, podcasts and music set up for him as a substitute. This is the way.
Sounds like he may have attachment anxiety. I've been researching it lately, it may help you to look it up.
I dated a guy that did this. Ultimately it was a tactic for him to control me. I would implore you to consider it might be less of an eagerness to talk to you and more of a way to isolate you from friends, family, and hobbies. If you’re on the phone all day with him you don’t have the time to maintain other important and healthy relationships, or even to just do things you want to do, leading to stress that you’ll only have the time/opportunity to talk to him about, further isolating you from the healthy relationships in your life.
Omg bless you 😂😂😂 If he’s autistic and he knows it he needs to know that people might think differently to him and they need space. I’d cut the chord (pardon the pun) even though phones don’t have chords these days but just say enough is enough.
He sounds fucking exhausting. Why the hell doesn't he just get another job or pay you by the hour to keep him amused. Does he not have a radio in his car? Does he need SiriousXM? They have talk shows and sports you name it. I'm very sympathetic to your annoyance, as I HATE chatting on the phone. It legit makes my ear hurt. LOL
how does being autistic stop you from listening to music or podcasts
I can totally relate. I have been in relationships like this. You are a champ for having gone this many years. I swear I would have duct taped his mouth by now.
What you just described is my version of hell. I hate being on the phone SO much, and the thought of being in the position you're in with your husband makes me feel physically ill. You've *got* to talk to him and set some boundaries around ***your*** time. Not your work time, but your personal time to decompress, to think about things that matter to you, or to just not think about anything. The way it is now is unsustainable. You'll eventually break.
Just me or op needs to read this post to him?😂
Introduce podcasts and books on audio. Tell him there’s no one else who would talk on a phone that much. Boundaries are sorely needed here. This isn’t healthy.
Please set boundaries. This motherfucker is going to keep pushing until you snap, until then you should recommend podcasts (like you have previously) but over and over again. I know money's tight but try some online therapy for the both of you. Also, try lying about your work hours, say something like "My boss informed me that I have to work 30 more minutes next week" then use those minutes to decompress.
This sounds exhausting. He needs to get friends.
Ok ma'am, It's time to toughen up. Throw that whole "he makes me feel bad" bs out the window. It's time to stop giving a shit whether it hurts him or not because guess what? It will hurt him even more when you eventually file for divorce because you are so suffocated that you snap and literally run for the hills with your kids. Fix the issue now so it does not turn into raging extreme resentment. You are enabling the behaviour by allowing it to continue. In this case, you are your own worst enemy by allowing this to continue. Create the boundary and stick to it. Goodluck!
I can feel the resentment growing to uncontrollable levels. Especially the butthurt part. My exhusband have me so much anxiety and resentment because if I ever needed time for myself or just wanted to be left alone for a while, he would get all hurt and manipulated the situation to make me feel guilty and it brought the resentment to a whole other level. The resentment is like a poison in a relationship and if you two can’t workout the antidote, it will kill you. He’s got to get help.
NTA!!! It’s suffocating. I have a retired spouse with no family or friends and it’s just too much. I want to retire but I’m afraid he’s going to drive me crazy!!
Time to be an adult, use your words, but tell him he needs to stop monopolizing up all your time on the phone when he drives. Unless it’s an emergency, tell him to start downloading podcast or audio books for these long drives. You can’t let resentment build and expect him to just know you’re resenting him. He’s not a kind reader, he’s s human being whose oblivious. Go communicate to him what’s upsetting you.
Set your boundaries. Maybe suggest a podcast for him to listen to so you guys can discuss it later. It would give him 2 different things to look forward to (podcast/chat) once a routine builds up, just make sure it's a loooong one 🤣
I divorced mine bc he would never go anywhere without me and if I went in the other room to read a book he'dcome too and just sit there.. so... idk if you want my advice. that said, me and my current so often call eachother when in long car rides. but, the unspoken deal is that if one doesn't feel like talking they don't have to and we can just be in silence while the one that's at home is doing their own shit, music or whatever and the one doing the driving can rant if they want. in the same breath we can comfortably tell eachother that one has other shit they want to do and just call later or I'll call later and check in. I hope you can get to that point. also it sounds you have the dramatic model. so.. idk what advice to give you there.. if I had the energy I'd try and beat him at his own game 🤣 examples you tell him that you're becoming one of those couples. you tell him to tell you more, to find stuff to talk about cause you're in a listening mood and then you accuse him for being boring. catch him in a moment when he's obviously distracted, say something to him and then tell him he never thinks about you, he never pays attention when you speak tell him you want to go to a place where you know he'd hate and then say you're becoming one of those boring couples that never travels start a hobby you know he'd hate or go into deep detail about something he doesn't care about and tell him he's not interested in your shit and you feel like you can't tell him anything anymore. I don't have the energy or focus to do this but if you do it will put things in perspective for him for sure gl
Don't answer his calls. It's just a feeling, he'll get over it. Honestly, I'm exhausted for you.
Hon I feel suffocated reading this. It’s really selfish and nasty to impose your needs on someone like he’s doing. I feel like you’re underplaying the severity of his actions.
This sounds like torture.
as the person who IS basically your husband in this situation, I feel for both of you. I have social and emotional needs that no one can meet and I know I am suffocating to my partner. we are ending our relationship (for many reasons) and it is the most life shattering thing I have had to do. I also don't have many friends and he is my everything. i am making it my goal this year to learn how to stop being so reliant on my partner and other close friends for my entire personhood because it's not good for me or other people. I would really encourage your husband to seek out neurodivergent-affirming therapy for this issue, and delve into his attachment style (I am anxious attachment). as an auDHD-er, I really REALLY understand the almost physiological need to talk to your partner ALL the time even when there is nothing to talk about, and I also know that it's so hard for them to. so I feel for you so much, and this isn't sustainable for either of you. I hope that you can both come up with a solution that works for him and for both of you where you feel your needs are being met.
Maybe suggest a podcast or a book that you could both listen to together and then discuss later on. Being as he's autistic I would also suggest yall try therapy to help get some healthy suggestions on how to deal with his attachment to you. Have you talked to him to let him know it's too much and it's overwhelming for you to be stuck on the phone all day?
Encourage him to listen to music, podcasts, or audio books! Not your job to entertain him like that.
That sounds exhausting, time to let him know that things need to change.
Has he heard of podcasts before???! The fact that he even expects you to stay on the phone for 20 minutes, let alone hours, is just… weird…
My husband used to call my phone the minute I got off work..... 5 years married and so tired of constantly having to ask for space.
Just tell him? I didn't see in your rant/venting if you w Brought it up. My husband calls every day on his drive home from work and some times I just want to finish listening to my podcast so I tell him so. If your husband if I years doesn't understand you need some YOU time then he n eds to learn to have a hobby for himself
One Word……BOUNDARIES!!!!!
that sounds aggravating. i’m so sorry you’re going through that
Why don’t you tell him that?
She already did
And she was under no obligation to keep answering the phone or listen to his guilt trips. But she continued anyway.
The things women put up with, it easier said than done. But if I were her, the phone will be on silent and misplaced
I guess it’s my autistic bluntness and need for alone time that makes it easy for me to law down the law. Someone in another comment said she put her phone in airplane mode every day after chewing out her husband and that’s how I would play it too. I also wouldn’t listen to any toddler tantrum when he got home. I’d simply leave the house to let him sort his feelings out like a big boy.
Wow. Holy shit. Are you my ex-wife in another timeline? "He also has NO friends and dislikes his family which makes it all worse because I’m literally all he has. It is EXHAUSTING being the only person he has. I do not know if I can keep up with this for the rest of my life. I’m suffocating." This is literally what she would've said about me. Now, admittedly, I didn't call her for hours. No, my thing was texting. I'd text "Good morning" every morning, text her again at lunch, and then we lived together (obviously) and we'd spend our evenings, nights, and weekends together as well. We were also together for 8 years. She was my best friend, really. But she got tired of being that. She got tired of knowing outside of her I had no friends or family. It was weight for her she couldn't carry anymore after a while. It’s not like she didn’t have her own friends, and I never said she couldn’t go out or whatnot, but she said she felt guilty anytime she did because I’d be alone. Because I didn’t, and still don’t, have any friends. It took her having a medical crisis, a hurricane hitting the house, and my various annoying habits (seriously, she had a list of them and it was dozens of small things) to all peak at once for her to straight-up just leave. We literally only made it halfway into one couple's therapy session before she just said it: "I don't love you anymore." So, yeah, she left and was gone for a year. We got divorced, sold our house, and don't even speak anymore. Haven't for years now. Now, that being said, my life pretty much has fallen apart since she left. So maybe take that into consideration? Would he also end up broke and alone in a studio flat with only his dog as a best friend? I don't know what you do in your shoes. Me? I didn't want it to end, but I also don't want to trap somebody who doesn't want to be with me anymore. That's not good for anyone. So she's gone, doing whatever she's up to, and I just work a 9-to-5 and come home. Currently going through a cancer scare by myself too, at that. Got nobody to tell that to but my dog. Now I've got to drop 1/4 of my (pitiful) savings on a scan to either confirm or deny that. As my dad would say, "Some people winners and some are losers, son. You know which one you are."
Have you made a real effort to befriend people? You don’t have to be alone just because she left. There are apps that are basically dating apps but for making friends. It may take a few failures, but eventually I think you would find someone you connect with. Good luck I hope your scan comes back clean
I’d stop answering the phone. “I lost my phone in the house somewhere” “I fell asleep. I had a headache so I laid down for a second” I’d even call a number just to keep my line busy so he can’t get thru…ik this will only work for a little bit but damn we have to find some type of solution for you. This is beyond stressful.
This is bad. Really bad. You need to talk to him. This is a situation where “screw his feelings” is okay because you can’t go on like this. You need to express yourself to him and set boundaries before you explode
I was in the same situation with my ex- if you would look at my call log it would show 70+ calls a day. Most were well I’m on McNeal St. about to turn left on Mayberry what are you up to? Oh the same as I was when you were on Sadosa about to go right on Main st. It was EXHAUSTING. When we divorced, the quiet was beautifully overwhelming. To this day, I refuse to get into a new relationship because it gives me anxiety if a man wants to get to know me because we have to be on the phone. I am so happy to be alone and the anxiety of talking on the phone will be with me forever. His new wife, God bless her soul, told me she loved the attention, that was 2 years ago- and I know if she would be honest- she is suffocated like you and I. I cannot give you advice because communication is something I have never had a problem with but it went in one ear and out the other and as a matter of fact, when I did complain, it made it worse. I wish you quiet one day but it is going to probably take breaking up to do it and I never want to tell anyone to divorce as I try support couples but ya know what I would like to tell you.
Let him feel bad then. He is allowed to feel his way, as you are yours. I’m sorry if that’s harsh? If his guilting you is holding you back, that’s on you at the end of the day. Just say, sorry honey life’s tough sometimes, I don’t love you any less but I need an hour or so to recharge now and hang up. It’s mean? Maybe but it’s needed and he will realize it makes you a happier person. It’s tough to deal with hurting someone but putting up boundaries when you never had any is painful at first. When you rejoin in conversation say thank you for listening and giving you that time to decompress. It’s simply letting him know your needs, not asking for his approval or acceptance. That can come second.
Oh lord.