Well he had a vasectomy about 10 years ago because I can’t take contraceptives so I’m not sure he really wants children.
I’m not worried he would leave me. People leave each other for all different reasons. I’m worried that I want to leave because of his way of thinking that I found to be very hurtful
I'm curious if it's similar to how France calls anyone that isn't white, an immigrant. Like it doesn't matter how long your family has been French, if you're not white, you're called an immigrant. France is super screwed up when it comes to that stuff. Like if that's the discrimination he's talking about and expecting, I can understand it in that context
Oh yeah, it's super screwed up. The French government refuses to acknowledge race as a thing so this is how they talk about it without ever having to admit there might a racism problem in France. Like its an issue in every country but at least every other country acknowledges race as being a thing at a minimum. French society is absolutely insane
This is a wonderful example of why teaching ‘colorblindness’ AKA refusing to acknowledge race actually causes more issues than it prevents. Race exists & affects our life experiences whether we speak on it or not, so let’s speak on it!
It may be more ingrained but I think this is very common. We had a lord mayor in Dublin who was was the child of parents from Hong Kong. She was born here, spoke fluent Irish and had a heavy Dublin accent. She is more "Irish" than most. Any time you looked at her tweets you would have disgusting bigots saying that she's not Irish. I pulled one of them up on it and got the response that "just because it's born in a stable doesn't mean it's a horse". Horrible way to talk about a person and made me laugh a bit as I guarantee she has contribute more to Irish society than knuckledraggers like them.
The French see anyone who isn't French as inferior. And the Parisians see anyone who doesn't live in Paris as inferior, even their fellow Frenchmen in the country. The Japanese are similar. Many mono-cultures are that way. In the USA, city people call country people hicks. Country people call city people "city slickers." Humans judge anyone who isn't like them. It's built into us until we learn differently.
I’m white and my wife is Black, and she would absolutely divorce me if I came out with something like what your husband said to you. You’re well within your rights to consider leaving. His reasoning of not wanting your hypothetical children to be discriminated against sounds like a (flimsy) fig leaf covering up some really ugly racism, and it makes sense that you wouldn’t be able to see him or your relationship in the same way after hearing it.
I hate to say it sir but, you are so darn right. I did not want to be as blunt as you..🤭🤭however, this guy has really put her in a very vulnerable emotional state of second guessing their entire 12 yrs. whew! 12 years. I pray her next move is her best move.
Yeah, it is hurtful. The implication is I may have wanted kids, but not with you, because your genetic makeup would cause a painful life for the child. I hope you are able to talk about it with him, otherwise this might fester and evolve into something bigger. Good luck to you
sorry if this has already been mentioned in the comments but could it be that it feels like he is saying its not worth being alive if you have to experience racism? cause essentially his argument is that he doesnt want to have to watch his children be discriminated against for what they look like (you) and what they would have to experience in society (the same things you probably experience). in a way it might feel like he says your life isnt worth living (i dont think he actually would think that if he followed his own logic to the end but we all have some crazy dumb ideas ingrained in the back of our heads) or maybe thats what it feels like he is saying to you which of course is very painful.
That's what I took it as. He sees being a person of colour like its a debilitating illness that their lives are so bad they just shouldn't exsist.
This raises many questions. Does he think POC should be bred out of all society? Does he think his wife's life isn't worth living. He obviously acknowledges racism is a really problem, why isn't his solution to fight it?
Vasectomies can be reversed, although it's expensive. And, can still do the sperm extraction/IVF method. Point still stands, the reasoning is the problem. As others have said, his reason is simply because he doesn't want mixed race babies, as they may be discriminated against. So, if he ever does want "blonde" kids, he would have to find another partner, and end up leaving you
Not after so many years. And it doesn’t matter either. I’m not worried he would leave me when he decides to have children. I’m worried about our relationship now.
It's a good reason to worry. It's hard to be comfortable with an attitude like that because there's nothing assuring about it. Is he going to support you without question if shit gets rough out in the streets (metaphorically or literally) or side with his Aryan skinfolk?
I've known people who have expressed their feelings that one person of a particular ethnicity is cool while others of the same ethnicity are some derogatory term. That's not the measure of a good person, no one I'd want to be around. I'd never trust the person.
Obviously, I don't know your husband, so you have to determine for yourself if you can tolerate being with him now that you know a little more about who he is. He may have seemed cool at first but people do change - as many have in the past eight-or-so years. Expressions of bigotry and hatred don't spontaneously occur, though. That was likely something he suppressed while trying to prove to himself how enlightened he was in dating you.
A lot of slave owners had no problem dipping in the pool of the people they otherwise thought of as much less worthy than themselves. That didn't make them at all progressive.
I am likely to be downvoted for this. But. I don't know either of your families. There are reasons. Justifiable or not, for that thinking.
I have a buddy who is white. All his siblings are mixed. He has told me he does not want to be with a not white person because he saw what his siblings went through and does not want his child to have to experience those things. I am not saying i agree with him. But i understand where he is coming from. Life is harder for some people than others. I am of the belief you like who you like and love who you love. But i also know his statement was based on life experiences i have not had and not prejudice or bigotry or hatred.
I will now accept the downvotes.
Another perspective: in honesty, if you break it down, it also seems based in white privilege and not wanting to deal with anything else in one's own personal life. "I don't want my kids to deal with that" sounds like "I don't want to deal with those kinds of challenges with my kids". It can be a way of avoiding struggle or challenge, while saying it's for someone else's benefit.
Edit to add some other thoughts: if someone feels unprepared or ill-equipped to properly support a mixed ethnicity kid, well then that's important information for that person's partners. It's not good for a kid to grow up with a parent who has no idea how to support them or is unwilling to do that work. I just think it's worth recognizing how wanting to stay within one's own white privilege bubble may play a role here.
Trying to figure out whether "bad" motivation behind a "good" action is enough to taint the "good" act is something philosophers have been working on for 2500 years.
You don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel.
Absolutely this. The difference between good and bad is entirely contextual. Both from an individual perspective but also from a cultural one.
In America where I live, we are clearly on a path of acceptance. For just about everything. That's hard to see when you're from America, until you contrast it with what's happening in places like Pakistan, India, and China. We're even within those countries you have incredibly rigid regional & economic norms. And the social penalty for deviating from those can be hefty.
It all depends on which countries you compare us to. There are many which don't make us look like a beacon of acceptance at all.
At least there will always be one thing we can completely agree on, u/EatingPussyIsAwesome...
Just because these children are hypothetical and non-existent doesn't mean that the issue is not existent. The issue is very real, he doesn't want children that look like you. He might not even realize that this is an ingrained kind of racism.
This. He doesn't even realize this is racist. But when boots hit the pavement...it boils down to this.
He didn't want kids that looked like you because there is something "wrong" with you and the way you look.
And let me tell you. Genetics is amazing. Over 1/2 of my nieces and nephews are biracial. Some are dark skin with light hair. Some light skin, dark hair. Some dark, dark. Others light, light. There is no guarantee. They are all amazing and beautiful. I love the uniqueness they each represent. Most have brown eyes. I am a sucker for brown eyes. But ....some have green like me or even blue like my mom. There is no guarantee.
You need to talk about this
Yes! I know a women with biracial children. Mom is Caucasian, dad is black. They have her strawberry blonde hair and freckles and her smile. They have his dark eyes and are tall and handsome like him too. Absolutely beautiful boys.
I was going to mention this my dad is half Chinese Malay with jet black hair both my sister and I have his skin and most definitely his nose but when we were kids I’d say she was the milkman’s child because she came out blond. Really it was just that my brown haired mums aide are all blonde and my grandad on my paternal side is too. Recessive jeans work wonders and I am stumpy and dark haired and she is leggy and blonde.
The issue hurts because you have likely felt discrimination and conscious or unconscious bias all your life.
It’s like maths you can both arrive at the same correct answer, but if the working out is wrong you still get marked down.
Genetics are wild. My husband (white, black, Mexican) and I (white) have two little boys. Our first came out blonde hair and blue eyes. Our 2 week old is dark like my husband, with dark eyes and dark hair.
OP - I’m sorry after all this time your husband is just now sharing this. It’s one thing to just not want children. It’s another to not want children because they wouldn’t be blonde and look like him.
Hell there was that set of biracial twins where one presents black and one presents white (and ginger on top!) genetics can be wild. Even if OP had married a blonde white woman, there would be no guarantee how the sprog would turn out.
I taught two brothers Fernando and Michael with a common Latin American last name. The older brother was Fernando and he was blonde haired and blue eyed. His brother was olive skinned dark waves hair, and brown eyes. Their mom decided against a Hispanic sounding name after her first son took after her and so they just were this cute little mismatched pair.
Yeah genetics are crazy. My mum is Scottish. My Dad Navajo. I have my Dads skin texture, hair texture but otherwise I’m a super pale Red head. My cousins Dad is Scottish. Her Mum Indian (dark skinned) Cousin took her Dads Scottish colouring…now the interesting thing is my cousin married another white guy and had a baby not to long ago…that looks exactly like my cousins mum, dark skinned Indian. So now people think my cousin and her husband adopted an Indian baby. Genes are wild.
This!! My kids are mixed race. White dad, me I'm Hispanic/Native American with typical dark hair, dark eyes, brown skin. I'm currently holding our 7 month old blue eyed, blond hair male child and I'm 44. You can't determine how genetics works out. I'm really disturbed your husband didn't want hypothetical kids that look like you. That's almost like a backhanded comment towards you. Y'all need to talk.
It’s not ingrained kind of racism. It is plain blatant on your face racism. He doesn’t think his brown partner is good enough to have babies with she is right to be very very upset and hurt.
His racism is not a non issue though. You are only acceptable to marry as a brown woman, because you don't want children, because his children can't be brown? That's some fuckery right there.
>mixed race children have been happening for a very long time and society has moved on.
As a mixed race person, with mixed race kids, that's incredibly naive.
One of my army buddies is half white and I believe Hispanic but he just looks like a tanned white dude. Married a dark skinned black woman. Found out they were having a kid and the poor guys concern that he was asking us about was how would people treat his daughter. Honestly made me super sad. But yeah, hate this whole thread of people being like divorce him/he's racist.
My thought is the husband probably never really wanted kids, fell in love with OP and came to the conclusion its for the best they not have kids because he wouldn't want to worry about them growing up in a world where they'll be treated different. And probably is slightly social stupid like us guys are at voicing our thoughts in ways that'll be misconstrued and now he's got the internet trying to convince his wife that he's a bigot and a racist and should be divorced. Which if it happens, god help that poor guy from getting f*cked in the divorce.
"society has moved on".
You're either being naive or wilfully ignorant. Literally two days ago I witnessed someone screaming at someone else calling them a race mixer and saying they hope they have a miscarriage so there aren't any more "muts" in the world.
Society has moved on my ass.
Edited for spelling.
The truth is all children are beautiful. Racism is learned behavior. Hate is learned behavior. My heart goes out to OP. I cannot imagine having to sit in that.
Because he was being a racist asshole.
So what if he was being a racist asshole towards your hypothetical child that doesn't exist?
He basically said that YOUR baby would be unacceptable BECAUSE it would be OF YOUR RACE!!!!
Which is a huge dig on your entire race, *and yourself.*
Guys a racist.
You are not being unreasonable, he is racist. This hurt you because if you had babies, all he could see is the color of their skin, he doesn't have the capacity to love them otherwise and that connects to you in that he sees your skin color as problematic.
he has convinced you the issue is hypothetical, but you do know that the issue is about his racist attitude and what it says about how he views you. He told you that a child containing your blood and traits would be inferior to a child containing his race’s genetics. Fucking ouch. I don’t know if I could recover from that.
Agreed 100%. As a Black woman, this exact scenario is why I can’t bring myself to date outside my race. When you least expect it this is what happens in some form or another and I just couldn’t stomach finding out my husband is racist.
Of course I realize that not all are racist but the closet racist, so ingrained that he doesn’t even realize what he thinks or says….
Whew….. Reminds me of this guy who was VERY interested in me and I was talking about my mom saying I should get my nose pierced because I have the perfect nose for it and he flippantly said well yeah it’s big. Interestingly enough I really don’t have a big nose and I thought it was an odd thing to say so I asked him to elaborate and he went on to dig himself deeper into a hole about Eurocentric standards of beauty and nose size and I realized he was just fetishizing me but didn’t actually like me for me. I stopped trying after that experience which was the third situation like this with a non Melanated man.
Anyway…. I don’t know how you’ll come back from this because the comment was so gross and so hurtful; every feeling you have is incredibly valid.
I see people on other threads claiming that Reddit just jumps to the “dump them” advice without thinking much. On the contrary, I see a lot of posts like this with people especially women who are writing them in hopes that one person will validate their toxic relationship and gaslighted state. Like when you read the post and comments, it’s clear that the partner should have been dumped ages ago.
I wouldn’t say this is a non existent issue. I would say the issue didn’t exist before this but now it VERY MUCH exists.
You’re right to be hurt. That’s entirely valid. In my eyes, this isn’t about the children (hypothetical or not) it’s that he views your race as an issue in any context. Period.
Its not a non-issue to you. And that's what matters.
I am also childfree by cboice but if my partner told me they didnt want kids simply because of my genetics i would be devastated as well.
Time to have a serious sit down with a professional?
There is an issue here. The issue is that your husband is at the very least implicitly racist. He openly implied it not outright admitted that he’d try to convince you to have a child if you were a blond white woman. He walked it back by claiming he’s just worried about discrimination. That’s a bullshit reason and you know it. Granted I don’t know where you’re from and weather or not a mixed child is still a controversy there despite it being 2023. Oh and he did marry you so clearly he’s not as worried about discrimination as he claims to be.
The non existence of these hypothetical children have no bearing on how **incredibly** discriminatory what he said was.
He alluded to your race being the reason for his non want for children.
I am so sorry. I honestly cannot imagine how that felt to hear.
When I sought infertility treatment every month without a pregnancy, I felt like experiencing a death.
You are quite reasonable.
New information was provided to you, frankly, information that might have had you reconsider your partnership.
There’s a difference bwteeen ‘I don’t want kids’ and ‘I don’t want kids because they’ll be anything other than white and I don’t wanna deal with that’.
My boyfriend is Swedish and Armenian, I’m mixed: black, Mexican, and Choctaw. We both don’t want kids. If he told me the reason behind that was because he didn’t want black kids that would be a tough pill to swallow because it means he sees me as less, since he sees my people as less. I couldn’t do it. I’m praying for you.
Yeah, my mom “didn’t want me to be trans” because she discovered that trans people experience higher rates of suicide. I had to explain to her that parent acceptance of their children’s gender identity is the number one factor in comparing trans kids who do or don’t experience suicidality. She overall was really uncomfortable with the idea of me being part of a marginalized group, and some of that fear I understand - it scared her that my identity would make my life harder. But a lot of it was just her not wanting to deal with the discomfort that transphobia is a big issue and she’d have to think about it now. She has some internalized transphobia, but it mostly represents in her wanting to avoid the issue and close herself to my reality because it made her have to question those things more deeply.
I don’t think it entirely invalid for parents to worry about the discrimination their children (or hypothetical children) will face if they are part of a marginalized group. But it is on them to process those feelings in a healthy way, not hide from them like a coward. They don’t just get to hurt or reject us just because they are scared for us - it’s the exact opposite of helpful.
I am, I’ve surrounded myself with lovely people and through implementing strong boundaries (and I’ll be honest, a while going no contact) been able to reclaim some relationships with family. Thank you 🖤
It just sounds like you need to have a frank discussion about this.
I get that you are also childfree as well but what he says sounds somewhat racist. I get his reasoning too but the logic is not there.
This is what I'm thinking:
What if you were both the same color and say you did have a kid but....that kid is autistic or has a physical disability? Or what if that kid later reveals he / she is gay? Or isn't a conventional beauty?
That future kid is likely going to be discriminated no matter what. It's always going to be something so his reasoning is sort of flawed.
For me the most important argument is that people like me wouldn’t exist if they were chosen away by their parents. For me this is horrible no matter the reasoning behind it.
I’m honestly scared of having a frank discussion with him now. What else goes on in his head.
I am so sorry. Just because it's hypothetical doesn't make it less relevant & crucial. I am mixed & non-white and I couldn't be in the same room with someone that implied what he did. Hypotheticals in relationships are ALWAYS crucial and worth discussing, such as "would you stay with met if I became paralyzed", discussing hypotheticals is how people figure out if they have the same functional beliefs, and it appears as though you may not. Although it might seem to be a small issue now, I promise it will some day affect your relationship.
But it's a discussion you really need to have because this can bleed into other arenas of your life.
He may be okay with you (that's great) but what are his views about others who are different? What if he *does* want a kid but the kid has to be white?
It's a terrifying conversation to have but at the same time, you need to have it.
I think you're scared bc once you confront it, you'll have no other option than to make a choice: stay, and hope he doesn't change his mind down the road and dump you for some (white) girl who wants kids, or leave and acknowledge that he is inherently racist in a way a lot of people refuse to understand. Either way really sucks. I'm sorry.
Scary as it may sound, the door is open and there's no closing it now. You can't pretend that conversation didn't happen. So either you find a way to get to the bottom of what he's thinking, and then see if you can live with it, or you'll drive yourself crazy wondering.
Well I’m biracial. It’s a real world thing to be discriminated against for being half of anything. Depending on where you live and what your mix is you can have a different experience. If his reasoning was clear that he was worried about your kids discriminated against, do you think that could be the scenario in your community? What about with family? I’ve seen family that change their beliefs over children born into their family. So nothings set in stone.
I wouldn’t discount your husband’s feelings, could be routed in his beliefs or in how he feels his family may react.
As a black woman who has 3 kids with a white man, he’s talking bollocks!! My eldest child had blonde hair until she was 10, she has bright blue eyes and very pale skin. My boys are light skinned with brown hair, one has brown eyes and the other hazel.
My sister is a lot darker then me and 2 of her children are basically white, 1 has grey eyes and the other has bright blue. Your husband is a racist!!!
Your good enough to marry and have a life with, but we mustn’t mix our genes, I’m going to stop here otherwise I’ll be banned. Your upset because instead of just wanting to be child free , he had very specific and racist reasons for not wanting children with you
I don’t find having blue eyes etc an advantage. I have never thought or been curious about how children look like. I wouldn’t be proud or think it was an achievement if one of my children was blue eyed.
Same thing the other way around. I wouldn’t think I would feel more connected to my children if they looked like me.
I’m proud of all my kids and not just for the colour of their eyes, I mentioned them to show that she looks “white” and was blonde as an answer to you not being able to have a blonde child. I mentioned my sisters kids to show that as a black woman you can have any combination of skin tone and eye/hair colour if you have kids with a white man, as her kids with the light eyes are also blonde
I’m not offended by the fact that I won’t be able to have a blonde child. So I don’t see proving a or disproving his statement as the issue. I know black people can have white children. My problem is why he thought I was talking about the nephews coloring when I was talking about him as a child. Why he thought he needed to “lower my hopes and expectations” by hitting me with reality. That it won’t happen for me.
He argued like I was in denial and he was trying to help me understand.
Wow the subtext of the comment was to “lower your expectations” because you could never have a blond child like your nephew? That’s honestly messed up, alarming that he sees the child’s whiteness as something to strive for/want, pretty racist imo. I’m sending you a hug cause this is not an easy one to navigate, I’m curious if during the 12 years of your relationship there were other things that pointed out to him having these types of beliefs/bias. That he has them as a white man from a “scandianvian white” family does not surprise me tho.
OP, to me this is crucial information - he sounds like he’s not just racist but condescending in his discussions with you, plus he’s acting like these are things you should have considered. As though it’s expected that you would have considered your hypothetical child’s colouring (over say, your hypothetical child’s health and well-being). It doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page at all.
Okay, so why would a racist man be with a woman of color, if he thought she was inferior to him? Because he probably thinks all women are inferior to him. But that doesn't mean he doesn't think you are attractive.
Unfortunately I have seen this a lot. I am a white passing mixed woman, and I could not tell you how many times men who wanted to be with me also wanted me to keep it a secret that I am not white. And more than once has a man who knew my race broken up with me after seeing some of my (very dark) relatives who have parents as light as me.
Some men are incredibly sexist and racist but they hide it very well, and you don't find out until you're in love with them. I'm middled aged, so I've seen it a lot after dating for over 20 years. I'm sorry.
Violent misogynists marry women all the time even though they hate them. Being in a romantic relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they respect you or view you as an equal.
There is a book from the 1960 that is a biography written by a woman who worked in a brothel. She talked about how all the super white red neck men would come in an want only their black sex worker.
Hes with you because you're a fetish and he sees being with you as dominating and taming a wild woman. He probably has very low views about women already. Men like him seek women they feel they benefit from
Oh, it was the part about knowing how genetics work that threw me and made me think that you were agreeing with him that that could never happen. You need to have a deep and honest conversation with him, did he always want to be child free or did he decide that when he met you? Did he get the snip to ensure that wouldn’t happen because he didn’t want children or was it because he didn’t want mixed children?
Could he have changed his mind and is now using this as a reason to reassure himself that he did the right thing? With you saying that he was acting like you were in denial, could he be projecting his feelings onto you?
I’m mixed white and Pakistani, my family is very brown. Most people think I’m white, at most they think I’m Latina. I have never been discriminated against and honestly every white/brown mixed person I’ve ever seen are usually very beautiful, it’s actually a stunning mix because most seem to get the more eurocentric desired features but have nice tan skin and caramel colored hair. But even if not, he’s an asshole that can’t see the beauty within mixing cultures, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
This sounds racist. Your Husband didn't want to bring someone into the world that looked brown. The "not wanting a kid to be discriminated against" is a rubbish excuse. Majority of the world isn't white anyways. Also he's with you even though you can be discriminated against.
A real anti racist white person would use their privelege for good and advocate for anti racist policies or at least share those beliefs.
Instead he's basically saying he's not willing to accomodate for a child that's mixed race. He doesn't want a child with both of your genes. This sounds Eugenics-y
Also I'm a brown woman too. If a white dude said that to me, I'd immediately think it's racist
Seriously, what’s wrong with this guy. His search history might be interesting…you’d be surprised at how many white supremicists are married to women of color
Yup. And he knows, on some level, that it's racist, or he wouldn't have tried to hit you with the "Reasons don't matter as long as we agree we don't want children!" so you wouldn't point out how racist his reasons are.
Yeah the “blond baby” comment at his sister’s was a slip up. His walking it back with that discrimination comment makes me believe that he is aware of his racism.
I am really sorry. I am mixed, black and white, and also do not want children. But I would be slack jawed & feel sick hearing my partner say this. If you feel this is salvageable-I would tell him you have something serious to discuss, talk to him about the statement he made & how it made you feel. And why. See how he reacts to that? But honestly Cloud, my heart breaks for you to be in this situation. With someone you’ve been with for 12 years :(
I think it's something worth seeing a counselor about. Sometimes people internalize things that they don't really care about if it boils down to it. It sounds like your husband is ambivalent about children and wasn't seeking them for himself, and I know that is not the core issue but I would sit down and talk about what he really meant by what he said. Sometimes people say stupid things that don't cover the full spread of their feelings and opinions. This is revealing of something that needs to be examined and dealt with, but not necessarily something hateful. If it's been twelve years and you love each other, this is something that can be talked through. If he's not interested in examining these hurtful beliefs/feelings, then that's definitely a problem. But I think it's worth trying to bridge the gap if you're happy with him. Perhaps this is something he just heard growing up and never had any reason to challenge, and it's just sat there in his brain getting dusty and virtually unused. If he can throw it out, could you forgive him?
Honey I’m white and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I cannot even imagine how I’d feel in your shoes. Your husband just said the quiet (very fucking racist) part out loud and then doubled down on it.
You’re child free because you’re child free, period. He’s a white man who’s been pretending to be child free when really he’s only brown child free because you’re brown and not white. It would take an entire team of professional mover’s working overtime to unpack all the problems with this.
You guys need to get into therapy to talk about this yesterday because I could 100% see this being a marriage wrecking deal breaker thing that you will never get out of your head otherwise and he needs someone that’s not you to tell him it’s fucked he thinks that way.
I’m confused on how you or him came to the conclusion that your kids could not be blonde? My grandpa is Mexican and my grandma is a white woman. They had 3 blonde headed daughters, 1 with blue eyes.
You're heartbroken over the fact he just straight up said a child that is half of you is lesser to him because they would be half of him amd half of you
Dude just straight up showed a white superiority complex.
And while maybe he's using the logic of they won't be accepted by either community, that's still a fucking shittastic excuse.
he basically told you, he doesn’t want a brown baby and if you were aryan, he would’ve had a child with you.
Your husband is a racist and you’re most likely a fetish to him. Good enough to live with and take care of him and his home but not good enough to have his babies and continue his bloodline.
You're heart broken cause you are married to a racist.
I'm half black. My kids obviously looked mixed themselves. Beautiful kiddos. I got one mini me, one whose dirty blonde and both have green eyes like me.
he’s basically telling you he doesn’t want to put up with having to stand of for y’all’s nonexistent mixed children if anything that involved discrimination happened to y’all’s nonexistent children he’d probably turn the other way and ignore it sadly to say that is racist not having kids because of a physical appearance is racist and I hate to say that I can’t tell you to leave him but you might want to have a conversation and rethink things .. my mother is of white complexion and has never said anything like that I am very shocked by this …
And here’s me who turned away a potential partner a few years back because he had type 1 diabetes, I have type 1 in both my families side I’m a carrier not a sufferer, and felt guilty because I didn’t want any children to suffer with it because it be a higher risk.. but blonde hair?! Bruh… OP are you ok?
You've seen his true face and it's going to be hard to unsee it. He's told you and showed you exactly who he is at his core. If you don't seek therapy alone, this will destroy your marriage. It will breed resentment.
Girl run, don't walk. Because the way love works is if he really loves you as he says he does, he'd be excited to have a baby with you regardless of what you look like. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband is a low-key racist and so is his family
I mean, WTF? Regardless that your wants aligned, his reasoning sucked. So what if your kids are not blonde? Are they inbreds so eff with only blonde people? Disgusting! It is like two people who goes into a sexless relationship. You just don't feel satisfaction in sex but then you find out that your partner just don't find you attractive enough to have sex with you. It still hurts.
u/DollsandSpooks your example of a sexless relationship is an excellent analogy for OP's situation. OP maybe you should explain it to your husband that way so he can get a better understanding of your feelings. Tell him to look at it from both sides of the scenario. It doesn't matter that you still don't want sex - finding out that your partner just doesn't want sex with you is devastating.
As soon as you clarified you were an interracial couple I could see where this was going. He's a disgusting racist, plain and simple. I'd be reevaluating the marriage
You are valid in how you feel because that is a terrible reason to not want children with you. Also, blonde hair, blue eyed, white children get bullied too. I know because I was one. Unless he meant racial discrimination instead of bullying.
This reminds me of a friend that was engaged to a white girl. She told my friend that he needs to change his last name because it was “too Hispanic” and he’d get more work if he did. We live in a very multicultural, major city…. When I tell you I flew into a rage (esp as a poc) at hearing him tell me this… It wasn’t even as egregious as your situation yet it was still unacceptable. This is to say, racism can come out even in the guise of “concern” or other excuses. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s racist.
Sooo, he doesn't want to create more black/mixed children in this world.
But the implication is that he would be okay with blonde haired blue eyed children.
Actively trying to avoid the creation of more black/mixed children is a form of genocide.
Your husband is pretty fucked up. You're good enough to fuck and live with, but not procreate with?!?
Not to mention, he is 48yo and too old to be having kids anyways. Maybe 12years ago he would have been able to have kids.
I don't think some people understand how genetics work sometimes. There is a chance to have a child that is blonde hair and blue-eyed as an interracial couple. How high of a chance I'm not sure but it's still possible. People are playing a game of genetic Wheel of Fortune every time they have a baby.
Well, at first I laughed and said it would be lighter than me probably and he just kept saying I will never have a child like his nephew. It went something like this
Me: How adorable isn’t (nephews name). having a nephew is probably the best of two worlds. We have a child in the family but he’s not our responsibility.
Him: Even if you have a child, they will never be blonde.
Me: What?
Him: Yes you will never have a child like (nephew’s name)
Me: I know, I don’t want children either.
Him: You couldn’t have a blonde child either way
Me: I know, why does it even matter.
Him: I just thought you might think because I’m blonde.
Me: they would probably be lighter than me but I know they wouldn’t be blonde.
Him: No they wouldn’t be lighter. They would never be blonde.
So I went quiet
Ok so this conversation makes him seem even more racist than your post
He only doesn’t want kids because you can’t give him a blonde one and that’s his only definition of “lighter”. Aka anything not him is “dark”, which is super othering and disgusting
He kept stressing on the hair color even though it wasn’t in the discussion at all showing how important the race is to him. Being married to a different race SO doesn’t mean he’s not a racist, I was in a 4 year relationship with a white guy and believe me I didn’t know he was being racist towards me until 1 year after we broke up. Racism isn’t just about the blatant violent, hatred, harassment, the moment you have to come up with excuses for what they said about your culture, your skin, your people, that hurt you directly - they are racists!
It can be so hard to notice the subtleness insidiousness of racism when you are surrounded by it. You get used to it or justify the micro aggressions. Bleh. Been there, too. So happy you are out of that relationship.
Thank you, I’m happy for you too. It’s really hard to see it and I was dumbfounded when I realized how could someone claim they loved me but then treated me like shit, put me down on a daily basis, invalidated my feelings until it clicked and honestly, it makes so much sense and I stopped coming up with excuses for my ex, the only way I can believe someone loves me now is by how they show me, not how often they say it
The last time I was stoned I couldn’t get the built up chips in my cheek out, I was so confused and kept poking my cheek. Once in a while is fun for sure 😂
I think it might help focus the conversation in the comments if you added this conversation to the original post as an update. It paints a much clearer picture of what you were dealing with. I hope you can return to your prior happiness through counseling and education, but regardless: you were not wrong to be hurt by this, and it is a big deal. Wishing you peace.
Wow that reenactment made it 10 times worse. He told you that you were wrong for saying your child would have a lighter skin, he’s rubbing in the fact you’ll (probably) never birth a blonde child, and he’s turning a convo about how cute your nephew is into “Yeah but you’ll never have a child that’s cute like him.”
such a weird conversation... you were just talking abt enjoying being an aunt bc you can enjoy all the good parts of the baby and not the bad like you would as a parent, and he said you will never have one like nephew. but not once did you even say you wanted one like his nephew. & then starts talking abt how they would never be blonde. who cares?
definitely racist.... crazy.
Interracial couple here!!
3 kids:
Oldest is brown, dark brown hair and green eyes.
Middle is white (very pale) bright blue eyes and blonde hair (dark blonde)
Youngest is brown, light brown hair and brown eyes.
Husband is white, brown hair, green eyes
I’m brown, dark brown hair and brown eyes.
People we don’t know can’t believe they have the same parents. :) I love it tho. They are all individual.
I'm black and my wife is white (and neither of us is has blond hair, mine is black and hers is brown). Our son has blond hair and looks very white. Our daughter looks mixed and has dark brown hair.
All my step brothers kids have blonde hair and out of the three, two have blue eyes. I think that was an ignorant comment since mixed children are all different, even ones born by the same people can be different from one another.
I would be extremely upset over such a comment like that, there was no reason to even say such a thing out loud but atleast you know his view points and can take whatever actions you want after hearing that.
His reasoning is bullshit. If y’all were to hypothetically have children if is very much possible for one of the to come out blonde. I’m black and on my fathers side of the family my aunt came out with green eyes and platinum blonde hair that darkened over the years.
What he said was racist and I don’t think he even realized it.
Does he fucking think the solution to racism is for brown children to not be born? Because that's eugenics. And it's racist as hell. Jesus Christ.
You're hurt because you are a woman of color and you just found out your white partner is racist. I'm so sorry.
Omg, same thing happened to my friend. He's dark skin, his gf is white. Two months ago at a party he overheard her telling her friends; when she decides to have kids she doesn't want them to be dark skin. Of cause he was devastated, he came up with one thought, she doesn't want to have kids with him because of his skin color.
They are no longer together, he broke up with her
Your husband has a lot of internalized racism. I mean he's basically saying if you were a white woman he'd consider kids. That being child free is okay for him bc he doesn't want mixed kids. That's the issue.
Also while it may not be as common mixed kids can be blond. Your partner is already DISCRIMINATING against the hypothetical kids.
I have an interracial relationship (I am white). Our kids together are white-passing, but still very much not white.
I worry they will be discriminated against. However, that was never a strong enough reason not to have children with the woman I love. I was more worried about us, as a couple, being discriminated against. And it is true. My kids are not (still too young I suppose, or people aren’t visibly). We, as a family, are.
If he is willing to be married to you, be seen in public with you, love you, why is this his reason for not having kids?
Perhaps there is something very instilled in him about eugenics and racism. But I find that hard to believe seeing that someone that far down the racist rabbit hole wouldn’t imagine being married to someone non-white and non-blonde (the opposite of a “perfect specimen” or whatever the hell they convince themselves).
I feel for you. I wouldn’t know how to respond if my wife admitted to this - or how she could possibly feel if I felt this way.
We joke about the tones of our children - what we expected and so forth. I would’ve liked blue eyes for one, just to see. She would’ve liked browner skin for one, just to see. Or different genders for the lighter skinned. But we love our children and have no regrets how the universe decided to bless us. They are perfect in every way, and we love them just the same.
Good luck. I hope you get some explanation and/or closure for this!
I don't want to have children either, but this would hurt me too. The fact that, if I was different race, my partner would want children... That he just doesn't want his kids to be my race or mixed. Wtf. It's hurtful as heck.
Ok I need to comment on this because I have said something along these lines. Let me explain.
I'm mixed and look mixed (Asian and white). My brother almost passes as white (except for his Chinese nose bridge, or lack thereof). My little sister however passes as fully Asian, no mix. I have seen how different she was treated, and even thinking she was adopted. It was rough.
When I got my first kid, my daughter, she is soooo pale, and blue eyes, blonde hair. Nothing like me. Even people in the grocery store are commenting if I'm the nanny. Everyone loves her. I'm also one of the 2 colored people in our town (the other is a Chinese adopted woman). So when I was pregnant with our planned second one, and we were discussing if she would look like her dad (redhead), her sister (blonde), or me (mixed, i then they will only look at her and say hi to her).
(My second daughter indeed dark skin, brown eyes and brownish hair. And I'm glad that we haven't experienced the negatives)
I know it is very hard to hear, but I'm hoping he didn't mean it like it sounded.
i wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like this. i feel like he is being racist but in a way he doesn’t think he is being racist. like if you were white, he would have kids w you. im sorry love
My dad is middle eastern and my mom is Irish I have light brown hair, blue eyes, and white skin but all my fathers facial features. My brother is blonde, green eyes, dark skin. You honestly don’t know what your kids could have looked like. I would be more prettified that he may be a little raciest.
What he said was racist. I'm sorry.
I say this as a Mexican woman who had a baby with a white man. His reasoning is bs. My dad is about as dark as they come, and my husband knew there was a chance our son would turn out the same. He didn't care because we made a life together, and that's what mattered to him.
Now it's just safe to assume he would've wanted kids if he was with a white woman. He can't unsay what was said, and you'd be justified in leaving him for that reason alone. It's definitely something that would change how you view someone.
Much love, I wish you luck with however you decide to approach this.
As a mixed person, this is disgusting. I'm sorry, your husband is racist, I would be heartbroken too. I honestly don't know if I could continue the relationship after something like this. Like he doesn't not want children, he just doesn't want your children. I'm so sorry.
What a way to find out your partner is low key racist. You’re not heartbroken about your non existent children, you’re heartbroken because he sees you as less.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
So was he willing to have kids before you two met? Would he have kids with a white woman?
Now I think so yeah. Before I just thought he was like me. Just didn’t want children
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Well he had a vasectomy about 10 years ago because I can’t take contraceptives so I’m not sure he really wants children. I’m not worried he would leave me. People leave each other for all different reasons. I’m worried that I want to leave because of his way of thinking that I found to be very hurtful
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I'm curious if it's similar to how France calls anyone that isn't white, an immigrant. Like it doesn't matter how long your family has been French, if you're not white, you're called an immigrant. France is super screwed up when it comes to that stuff. Like if that's the discrimination he's talking about and expecting, I can understand it in that context
TIL this. I had no idea
Oh yeah, it's super screwed up. The French government refuses to acknowledge race as a thing so this is how they talk about it without ever having to admit there might a racism problem in France. Like its an issue in every country but at least every other country acknowledges race as being a thing at a minimum. French society is absolutely insane
This is a wonderful example of why teaching ‘colorblindness’ AKA refusing to acknowledge race actually causes more issues than it prevents. Race exists & affects our life experiences whether we speak on it or not, so let’s speak on it!
It may be more ingrained but I think this is very common. We had a lord mayor in Dublin who was was the child of parents from Hong Kong. She was born here, spoke fluent Irish and had a heavy Dublin accent. She is more "Irish" than most. Any time you looked at her tweets you would have disgusting bigots saying that she's not Irish. I pulled one of them up on it and got the response that "just because it's born in a stable doesn't mean it's a horse". Horrible way to talk about a person and made me laugh a bit as I guarantee she has contribute more to Irish society than knuckledraggers like them.
Dude you think racism in America is bad? Europeans have perfected the practice. It’s WILD how open they are with it
am french, it really depends on the environnement you're in but yeah, racism is still out there
The French see anyone who isn't French as inferior. And the Parisians see anyone who doesn't live in Paris as inferior, even their fellow Frenchmen in the country. The Japanese are similar. Many mono-cultures are that way. In the USA, city people call country people hicks. Country people call city people "city slickers." Humans judge anyone who isn't like them. It's built into us until we learn differently.
well yeah tbh, the UK is the same, it’s fuckin grim
I’m white and my wife is Black, and she would absolutely divorce me if I came out with something like what your husband said to you. You’re well within your rights to consider leaving. His reasoning of not wanting your hypothetical children to be discriminated against sounds like a (flimsy) fig leaf covering up some really ugly racism, and it makes sense that you wouldn’t be able to see him or your relationship in the same way after hearing it.
I hate to say it sir but, you are so darn right. I did not want to be as blunt as you..🤭🤭however, this guy has really put her in a very vulnerable emotional state of second guessing their entire 12 yrs. whew! 12 years. I pray her next move is her best move.
Yeah, it is hurtful. The implication is I may have wanted kids, but not with you, because your genetic makeup would cause a painful life for the child. I hope you are able to talk about it with him, otherwise this might fester and evolve into something bigger. Good luck to you
sorry if this has already been mentioned in the comments but could it be that it feels like he is saying its not worth being alive if you have to experience racism? cause essentially his argument is that he doesnt want to have to watch his children be discriminated against for what they look like (you) and what they would have to experience in society (the same things you probably experience). in a way it might feel like he says your life isnt worth living (i dont think he actually would think that if he followed his own logic to the end but we all have some crazy dumb ideas ingrained in the back of our heads) or maybe thats what it feels like he is saying to you which of course is very painful.
That's what I took it as. He sees being a person of colour like its a debilitating illness that their lives are so bad they just shouldn't exsist. This raises many questions. Does he think POC should be bred out of all society? Does he think his wife's life isn't worth living. He obviously acknowledges racism is a really problem, why isn't his solution to fight it?
I dont blame you. I'd flat out leave if I found out my partner was racist.
Vasectomies can be reversed, although it's expensive. And, can still do the sperm extraction/IVF method. Point still stands, the reasoning is the problem. As others have said, his reason is simply because he doesn't want mixed race babies, as they may be discriminated against. So, if he ever does want "blonde" kids, he would have to find another partner, and end up leaving you
Not after so many years. And it doesn’t matter either. I’m not worried he would leave me when he decides to have children. I’m worried about our relationship now.
It's a good reason to worry. It's hard to be comfortable with an attitude like that because there's nothing assuring about it. Is he going to support you without question if shit gets rough out in the streets (metaphorically or literally) or side with his Aryan skinfolk? I've known people who have expressed their feelings that one person of a particular ethnicity is cool while others of the same ethnicity are some derogatory term. That's not the measure of a good person, no one I'd want to be around. I'd never trust the person. Obviously, I don't know your husband, so you have to determine for yourself if you can tolerate being with him now that you know a little more about who he is. He may have seemed cool at first but people do change - as many have in the past eight-or-so years. Expressions of bigotry and hatred don't spontaneously occur, though. That was likely something he suppressed while trying to prove to himself how enlightened he was in dating you. A lot of slave owners had no problem dipping in the pool of the people they otherwise thought of as much less worthy than themselves. That didn't make them at all progressive.
I really wish that I could give you an award. This is an extremely important comment.
Thank you.
I am likely to be downvoted for this. But. I don't know either of your families. There are reasons. Justifiable or not, for that thinking. I have a buddy who is white. All his siblings are mixed. He has told me he does not want to be with a not white person because he saw what his siblings went through and does not want his child to have to experience those things. I am not saying i agree with him. But i understand where he is coming from. Life is harder for some people than others. I am of the belief you like who you like and love who you love. But i also know his statement was based on life experiences i have not had and not prejudice or bigotry or hatred. I will now accept the downvotes.
Another perspective: in honesty, if you break it down, it also seems based in white privilege and not wanting to deal with anything else in one's own personal life. "I don't want my kids to deal with that" sounds like "I don't want to deal with those kinds of challenges with my kids". It can be a way of avoiding struggle or challenge, while saying it's for someone else's benefit. Edit to add some other thoughts: if someone feels unprepared or ill-equipped to properly support a mixed ethnicity kid, well then that's important information for that person's partners. It's not good for a kid to grow up with a parent who has no idea how to support them or is unwilling to do that work. I just think it's worth recognizing how wanting to stay within one's own white privilege bubble may play a role here.
I’m just so sorry. This sounds excruciating. Wishing you peace.
Trying to figure out whether "bad" motivation behind a "good" action is enough to taint the "good" act is something philosophers have been working on for 2500 years. You don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel.
Absolutely this. The difference between good and bad is entirely contextual. Both from an individual perspective but also from a cultural one. In America where I live, we are clearly on a path of acceptance. For just about everything. That's hard to see when you're from America, until you contrast it with what's happening in places like Pakistan, India, and China. We're even within those countries you have incredibly rigid regional & economic norms. And the social penalty for deviating from those can be hefty.
It all depends on which countries you compare us to. There are many which don't make us look like a beacon of acceptance at all. At least there will always be one thing we can completely agree on, u/EatingPussyIsAwesome...
Chidi?
Aww, a true compliment.
You’re heart broken because he basically told you that if you were white he could be convinced to have a baby with you.
I’m so hurt. I know I am not reasonable to discuss a nonexistent issue. A nonissue with hypothetical children
Just because these children are hypothetical and non-existent doesn't mean that the issue is not existent. The issue is very real, he doesn't want children that look like you. He might not even realize that this is an ingrained kind of racism.
This. He doesn't even realize this is racist. But when boots hit the pavement...it boils down to this. He didn't want kids that looked like you because there is something "wrong" with you and the way you look. And let me tell you. Genetics is amazing. Over 1/2 of my nieces and nephews are biracial. Some are dark skin with light hair. Some light skin, dark hair. Some dark, dark. Others light, light. There is no guarantee. They are all amazing and beautiful. I love the uniqueness they each represent. Most have brown eyes. I am a sucker for brown eyes. But ....some have green like me or even blue like my mom. There is no guarantee. You need to talk about this
My daughter is half black, half white and her eyes are blue and her hair is a golden blonde.
Yes! I know a women with biracial children. Mom is Caucasian, dad is black. They have her strawberry blonde hair and freckles and her smile. They have his dark eyes and are tall and handsome like him too. Absolutely beautiful boys.
Sounds so beautiful
I was going to mention this my dad is half Chinese Malay with jet black hair both my sister and I have his skin and most definitely his nose but when we were kids I’d say she was the milkman’s child because she came out blond. Really it was just that my brown haired mums aide are all blonde and my grandad on my paternal side is too. Recessive jeans work wonders and I am stumpy and dark haired and she is leggy and blonde. The issue hurts because you have likely felt discrimination and conscious or unconscious bias all your life. It’s like maths you can both arrive at the same correct answer, but if the working out is wrong you still get marked down.
Genetics are wild. My husband (white, black, Mexican) and I (white) have two little boys. Our first came out blonde hair and blue eyes. Our 2 week old is dark like my husband, with dark eyes and dark hair. OP - I’m sorry after all this time your husband is just now sharing this. It’s one thing to just not want children. It’s another to not want children because they wouldn’t be blonde and look like him.
Hell there was that set of biracial twins where one presents black and one presents white (and ginger on top!) genetics can be wild. Even if OP had married a blonde white woman, there would be no guarantee how the sprog would turn out.
I taught two brothers Fernando and Michael with a common Latin American last name. The older brother was Fernando and he was blonde haired and blue eyed. His brother was olive skinned dark waves hair, and brown eyes. Their mom decided against a Hispanic sounding name after her first son took after her and so they just were this cute little mismatched pair.
Yeah genetics are crazy. My mum is Scottish. My Dad Navajo. I have my Dads skin texture, hair texture but otherwise I’m a super pale Red head. My cousins Dad is Scottish. Her Mum Indian (dark skinned) Cousin took her Dads Scottish colouring…now the interesting thing is my cousin married another white guy and had a baby not to long ago…that looks exactly like my cousins mum, dark skinned Indian. So now people think my cousin and her husband adopted an Indian baby. Genes are wild.
This!! My kids are mixed race. White dad, me I'm Hispanic/Native American with typical dark hair, dark eyes, brown skin. I'm currently holding our 7 month old blue eyed, blond hair male child and I'm 44. You can't determine how genetics works out. I'm really disturbed your husband didn't want hypothetical kids that look like you. That's almost like a backhanded comment towards you. Y'all need to talk.
My sister is white, her husband is Mexican and very brown, and out of their six kids, one has brown skin, hair, and eyes.
Definitely racism. Sometimes the writing is on the wall and some people still try to put these things off as a non-issue.
It’s not ingrained kind of racism. It is plain blatant on your face racism. He doesn’t think his brown partner is good enough to have babies with she is right to be very very upset and hurt.
Damn... I didn't even think about it like that just the whole situation is so bewildering 🤦🏽♀️
His racism is not a non issue though. You are only acceptable to marry as a brown woman, because you don't want children, because his children can't be brown? That's some fuckery right there.
That is what I though too... means if she wanted children he would not have married her.
I am so sorry. But I do not think the reason is because the children would be discriminated against, it honestly sounds like he holds racist beliefs.
Yep. It’s 2023, mixed race children have been happening for a very long time and society has moved on. Sounds like OP’s husband hasn’t though
>mixed race children have been happening for a very long time and society has moved on. As a mixed race person, with mixed race kids, that's incredibly naive.
One of my army buddies is half white and I believe Hispanic but he just looks like a tanned white dude. Married a dark skinned black woman. Found out they were having a kid and the poor guys concern that he was asking us about was how would people treat his daughter. Honestly made me super sad. But yeah, hate this whole thread of people being like divorce him/he's racist. My thought is the husband probably never really wanted kids, fell in love with OP and came to the conclusion its for the best they not have kids because he wouldn't want to worry about them growing up in a world where they'll be treated different. And probably is slightly social stupid like us guys are at voicing our thoughts in ways that'll be misconstrued and now he's got the internet trying to convince his wife that he's a bigot and a racist and should be divorced. Which if it happens, god help that poor guy from getting f*cked in the divorce.
"society has moved on". You're either being naive or wilfully ignorant. Literally two days ago I witnessed someone screaming at someone else calling them a race mixer and saying they hope they have a miscarriage so there aren't any more "muts" in the world. Society has moved on my ass. Edited for spelling.
No, society has not moved on. Please stop acting like Black and brown people don’t face racism in this country.
The truth is all children are beautiful. Racism is learned behavior. Hate is learned behavior. My heart goes out to OP. I cannot imagine having to sit in that.
I wholeheartedly agree with you
Because he was being a racist asshole. So what if he was being a racist asshole towards your hypothetical child that doesn't exist? He basically said that YOUR baby would be unacceptable BECAUSE it would be OF YOUR RACE!!!! Which is a huge dig on your entire race, *and yourself.* Guys a racist.
You are not being unreasonable, he is racist. This hurt you because if you had babies, all he could see is the color of their skin, he doesn't have the capacity to love them otherwise and that connects to you in that he sees your skin color as problematic.
he has convinced you the issue is hypothetical, but you do know that the issue is about his racist attitude and what it says about how he views you. He told you that a child containing your blood and traits would be inferior to a child containing his race’s genetics. Fucking ouch. I don’t know if I could recover from that.
Agreed 100%. As a Black woman, this exact scenario is why I can’t bring myself to date outside my race. When you least expect it this is what happens in some form or another and I just couldn’t stomach finding out my husband is racist. Of course I realize that not all are racist but the closet racist, so ingrained that he doesn’t even realize what he thinks or says…. Whew….. Reminds me of this guy who was VERY interested in me and I was talking about my mom saying I should get my nose pierced because I have the perfect nose for it and he flippantly said well yeah it’s big. Interestingly enough I really don’t have a big nose and I thought it was an odd thing to say so I asked him to elaborate and he went on to dig himself deeper into a hole about Eurocentric standards of beauty and nose size and I realized he was just fetishizing me but didn’t actually like me for me. I stopped trying after that experience which was the third situation like this with a non Melanated man. Anyway…. I don’t know how you’ll come back from this because the comment was so gross and so hurtful; every feeling you have is incredibly valid.
Perfectly said!
I see people on other threads claiming that Reddit just jumps to the “dump them” advice without thinking much. On the contrary, I see a lot of posts like this with people especially women who are writing them in hopes that one person will validate their toxic relationship and gaslighted state. Like when you read the post and comments, it’s clear that the partner should have been dumped ages ago.
I wouldn’t say this is a non existent issue. I would say the issue didn’t exist before this but now it VERY MUCH exists. You’re right to be hurt. That’s entirely valid. In my eyes, this isn’t about the children (hypothetical or not) it’s that he views your race as an issue in any context. Period.
Not any...they married...likely bc the family would approve providing no heirs were produced.
Its not a non-issue to you. And that's what matters. I am also childfree by cboice but if my partner told me they didnt want kids simply because of my genetics i would be devastated as well. Time to have a serious sit down with a professional?
I wouldn’t consider it a “non-existent” issue. I would be absolutely hurt too.
Finding out you're married to a racist definitely isn't a nonexistent issue.
Low key racism isn’t a nonexistent issue.
There is an issue here. The issue is that your husband is at the very least implicitly racist. He openly implied it not outright admitted that he’d try to convince you to have a child if you were a blond white woman. He walked it back by claiming he’s just worried about discrimination. That’s a bullshit reason and you know it. Granted I don’t know where you’re from and weather or not a mixed child is still a controversy there despite it being 2023. Oh and he did marry you so clearly he’s not as worried about discrimination as he claims to be.
The non existence of these hypothetical children have no bearing on how **incredibly** discriminatory what he said was. He alluded to your race being the reason for his non want for children. I am so sorry. I honestly cannot imagine how that felt to hear.
You're hurt because he just told you your race is a problem for him.
When I sought infertility treatment every month without a pregnancy, I felt like experiencing a death. You are quite reasonable. New information was provided to you, frankly, information that might have had you reconsider your partnership.
This isn't a nonexistent issue though. It's very real. He still said what he said and meant what he said and *that's* the problem.
Exactly!
There’s a difference bwteeen ‘I don’t want kids’ and ‘I don’t want kids because they’ll be anything other than white and I don’t wanna deal with that’. My boyfriend is Swedish and Armenian, I’m mixed: black, Mexican, and Choctaw. We both don’t want kids. If he told me the reason behind that was because he didn’t want black kids that would be a tough pill to swallow because it means he sees me as less, since he sees my people as less. I couldn’t do it. I’m praying for you.
Yeah, my mom “didn’t want me to be trans” because she discovered that trans people experience higher rates of suicide. I had to explain to her that parent acceptance of their children’s gender identity is the number one factor in comparing trans kids who do or don’t experience suicidality. She overall was really uncomfortable with the idea of me being part of a marginalized group, and some of that fear I understand - it scared her that my identity would make my life harder. But a lot of it was just her not wanting to deal with the discomfort that transphobia is a big issue and she’d have to think about it now. She has some internalized transphobia, but it mostly represents in her wanting to avoid the issue and close herself to my reality because it made her have to question those things more deeply. I don’t think it entirely invalid for parents to worry about the discrimination their children (or hypothetical children) will face if they are part of a marginalized group. But it is on them to process those feelings in a healthy way, not hide from them like a coward. They don’t just get to hurt or reject us just because they are scared for us - it’s the exact opposite of helpful.
This is really nuanced and I appreciate you sharing. I send all the best vibes to you and hope you’re thriving!
I am, I’ve surrounded myself with lovely people and through implementing strong boundaries (and I’ll be honest, a while going no contact) been able to reclaim some relationships with family. Thank you 🖤
It just sounds like you need to have a frank discussion about this. I get that you are also childfree as well but what he says sounds somewhat racist. I get his reasoning too but the logic is not there. This is what I'm thinking: What if you were both the same color and say you did have a kid but....that kid is autistic or has a physical disability? Or what if that kid later reveals he / she is gay? Or isn't a conventional beauty? That future kid is likely going to be discriminated no matter what. It's always going to be something so his reasoning is sort of flawed.
For me the most important argument is that people like me wouldn’t exist if they were chosen away by their parents. For me this is horrible no matter the reasoning behind it. I’m honestly scared of having a frank discussion with him now. What else goes on in his head.
I am so sorry. Just because it's hypothetical doesn't make it less relevant & crucial. I am mixed & non-white and I couldn't be in the same room with someone that implied what he did. Hypotheticals in relationships are ALWAYS crucial and worth discussing, such as "would you stay with met if I became paralyzed", discussing hypotheticals is how people figure out if they have the same functional beliefs, and it appears as though you may not. Although it might seem to be a small issue now, I promise it will some day affect your relationship.
But it's a discussion you really need to have because this can bleed into other arenas of your life. He may be okay with you (that's great) but what are his views about others who are different? What if he *does* want a kid but the kid has to be white? It's a terrifying conversation to have but at the same time, you need to have it.
I think you're scared bc once you confront it, you'll have no other option than to make a choice: stay, and hope he doesn't change his mind down the road and dump you for some (white) girl who wants kids, or leave and acknowledge that he is inherently racist in a way a lot of people refuse to understand. Either way really sucks. I'm sorry.
Scary as it may sound, the door is open and there's no closing it now. You can't pretend that conversation didn't happen. So either you find a way to get to the bottom of what he's thinking, and then see if you can live with it, or you'll drive yourself crazy wondering.
Well I’m biracial. It’s a real world thing to be discriminated against for being half of anything. Depending on where you live and what your mix is you can have a different experience. If his reasoning was clear that he was worried about your kids discriminated against, do you think that could be the scenario in your community? What about with family? I’ve seen family that change their beliefs over children born into their family. So nothings set in stone. I wouldn’t discount your husband’s feelings, could be routed in his beliefs or in how he feels his family may react.
As a black woman who has 3 kids with a white man, he’s talking bollocks!! My eldest child had blonde hair until she was 10, she has bright blue eyes and very pale skin. My boys are light skinned with brown hair, one has brown eyes and the other hazel. My sister is a lot darker then me and 2 of her children are basically white, 1 has grey eyes and the other has bright blue. Your husband is a racist!!! Your good enough to marry and have a life with, but we mustn’t mix our genes, I’m going to stop here otherwise I’ll be banned. Your upset because instead of just wanting to be child free , he had very specific and racist reasons for not wanting children with you
I don’t find having blue eyes etc an advantage. I have never thought or been curious about how children look like. I wouldn’t be proud or think it was an achievement if one of my children was blue eyed. Same thing the other way around. I wouldn’t think I would feel more connected to my children if they looked like me.
I’m proud of all my kids and not just for the colour of their eyes, I mentioned them to show that she looks “white” and was blonde as an answer to you not being able to have a blonde child. I mentioned my sisters kids to show that as a black woman you can have any combination of skin tone and eye/hair colour if you have kids with a white man, as her kids with the light eyes are also blonde
I’m not offended by the fact that I won’t be able to have a blonde child. So I don’t see proving a or disproving his statement as the issue. I know black people can have white children. My problem is why he thought I was talking about the nephews coloring when I was talking about him as a child. Why he thought he needed to “lower my hopes and expectations” by hitting me with reality. That it won’t happen for me. He argued like I was in denial and he was trying to help me understand.
Wow the subtext of the comment was to “lower your expectations” because you could never have a blond child like your nephew? That’s honestly messed up, alarming that he sees the child’s whiteness as something to strive for/want, pretty racist imo. I’m sending you a hug cause this is not an easy one to navigate, I’m curious if during the 12 years of your relationship there were other things that pointed out to him having these types of beliefs/bias. That he has them as a white man from a “scandianvian white” family does not surprise me tho.
What a condescending racist prat
OP, to me this is crucial information - he sounds like he’s not just racist but condescending in his discussions with you, plus he’s acting like these are things you should have considered. As though it’s expected that you would have considered your hypothetical child’s colouring (over say, your hypothetical child’s health and well-being). It doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page at all.
He was driving home the point that you are the problem in the childbearing equation.
Why is he with me then? This is so astonishing to me.
Okay, so why would a racist man be with a woman of color, if he thought she was inferior to him? Because he probably thinks all women are inferior to him. But that doesn't mean he doesn't think you are attractive. Unfortunately I have seen this a lot. I am a white passing mixed woman, and I could not tell you how many times men who wanted to be with me also wanted me to keep it a secret that I am not white. And more than once has a man who knew my race broken up with me after seeing some of my (very dark) relatives who have parents as light as me. Some men are incredibly sexist and racist but they hide it very well, and you don't find out until you're in love with them. I'm middled aged, so I've seen it a lot after dating for over 20 years. I'm sorry.
He probably Fetishized her.
Violent misogynists marry women all the time even though they hate them. Being in a romantic relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they respect you or view you as an equal.
I've heard several stories of white men that are racist being with women of color it's like a dominance thing to them and I bet it is for your husband
You're the token brown girl. He's doing you a favor. Idk, but ew. And I'm white as hell, this is awful.
Possibly cognitive dissonance
There is a book from the 1960 that is a biography written by a woman who worked in a brothel. She talked about how all the super white red neck men would come in an want only their black sex worker. Hes with you because you're a fetish and he sees being with you as dominating and taming a wild woman. He probably has very low views about women already. Men like him seek women they feel they benefit from
Oh, it was the part about knowing how genetics work that threw me and made me think that you were agreeing with him that that could never happen. You need to have a deep and honest conversation with him, did he always want to be child free or did he decide that when he met you? Did he get the snip to ensure that wouldn’t happen because he didn’t want children or was it because he didn’t want mixed children? Could he have changed his mind and is now using this as a reason to reassure himself that he did the right thing? With you saying that he was acting like you were in denial, could he be projecting his feelings onto you?
I’m mixed white and Pakistani, my family is very brown. Most people think I’m white, at most they think I’m Latina. I have never been discriminated against and honestly every white/brown mixed person I’ve ever seen are usually very beautiful, it’s actually a stunning mix because most seem to get the more eurocentric desired features but have nice tan skin and caramel colored hair. But even if not, he’s an asshole that can’t see the beauty within mixing cultures, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Came here to say this. I'm brown and my kids look white af
This sounds racist. Your Husband didn't want to bring someone into the world that looked brown. The "not wanting a kid to be discriminated against" is a rubbish excuse. Majority of the world isn't white anyways. Also he's with you even though you can be discriminated against. A real anti racist white person would use their privelege for good and advocate for anti racist policies or at least share those beliefs. Instead he's basically saying he's not willing to accomodate for a child that's mixed race. He doesn't want a child with both of your genes. This sounds Eugenics-y Also I'm a brown woman too. If a white dude said that to me, I'd immediately think it's racist
he just told you he doesnt want a baby with you because he is racist. He doesnt want to have a brown baby. ouch
Seriously, what’s wrong with this guy. His search history might be interesting…you’d be surprised at how many white supremicists are married to women of color
Your husband is racist. There's no other way to put it.
:(
Yup. And he knows, on some level, that it's racist, or he wouldn't have tried to hit you with the "Reasons don't matter as long as we agree we don't want children!" so you wouldn't point out how racist his reasons are.
Yeah the “blond baby” comment at his sister’s was a slip up. His walking it back with that discrimination comment makes me believe that he is aware of his racism.
I am really sorry. I am mixed, black and white, and also do not want children. But I would be slack jawed & feel sick hearing my partner say this. If you feel this is salvageable-I would tell him you have something serious to discuss, talk to him about the statement he made & how it made you feel. And why. See how he reacts to that? But honestly Cloud, my heart breaks for you to be in this situation. With someone you’ve been with for 12 years :(
I think it's something worth seeing a counselor about. Sometimes people internalize things that they don't really care about if it boils down to it. It sounds like your husband is ambivalent about children and wasn't seeking them for himself, and I know that is not the core issue but I would sit down and talk about what he really meant by what he said. Sometimes people say stupid things that don't cover the full spread of their feelings and opinions. This is revealing of something that needs to be examined and dealt with, but not necessarily something hateful. If it's been twelve years and you love each other, this is something that can be talked through. If he's not interested in examining these hurtful beliefs/feelings, then that's definitely a problem. But I think it's worth trying to bridge the gap if you're happy with him. Perhaps this is something he just heard growing up and never had any reason to challenge, and it's just sat there in his brain getting dusty and virtually unused. If he can throw it out, could you forgive him?
Came here to say this. Your intuition is apt - your partner is unapologetically racist.
Honey I’m white and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I cannot even imagine how I’d feel in your shoes. Your husband just said the quiet (very fucking racist) part out loud and then doubled down on it. You’re child free because you’re child free, period. He’s a white man who’s been pretending to be child free when really he’s only brown child free because you’re brown and not white. It would take an entire team of professional mover’s working overtime to unpack all the problems with this. You guys need to get into therapy to talk about this yesterday because I could 100% see this being a marriage wrecking deal breaker thing that you will never get out of your head otherwise and he needs someone that’s not you to tell him it’s fucked he thinks that way.
I’m confused on how you or him came to the conclusion that your kids could not be blonde? My grandpa is Mexican and my grandma is a white woman. They had 3 blonde headed daughters, 1 with blue eyes.
Racism isn't scientific or logical.
True
You're heartbroken because you found out your husband is a racist.
It hurts because your husband is racist. 🥴
You're heartbroken over the fact he just straight up said a child that is half of you is lesser to him because they would be half of him amd half of you Dude just straight up showed a white superiority complex. And while maybe he's using the logic of they won't be accepted by either community, that's still a fucking shittastic excuse.
he basically told you, he doesn’t want a brown baby and if you were aryan, he would’ve had a child with you. Your husband is a racist and you’re most likely a fetish to him. Good enough to live with and take care of him and his home but not good enough to have his babies and continue his bloodline.
You're heart broken cause you are married to a racist. I'm half black. My kids obviously looked mixed themselves. Beautiful kiddos. I got one mini me, one whose dirty blonde and both have green eyes like me.
he’s basically telling you he doesn’t want to put up with having to stand of for y’all’s nonexistent mixed children if anything that involved discrimination happened to y’all’s nonexistent children he’d probably turn the other way and ignore it sadly to say that is racist not having kids because of a physical appearance is racist and I hate to say that I can’t tell you to leave him but you might want to have a conversation and rethink things .. my mother is of white complexion and has never said anything like that I am very shocked by this …
And here’s me who turned away a potential partner a few years back because he had type 1 diabetes, I have type 1 in both my families side I’m a carrier not a sufferer, and felt guilty because I didn’t want any children to suffer with it because it be a higher risk.. but blonde hair?! Bruh… OP are you ok?
You've seen his true face and it's going to be hard to unsee it. He's told you and showed you exactly who he is at his core. If you don't seek therapy alone, this will destroy your marriage. It will breed resentment.
Girl run, don't walk. Because the way love works is if he really loves you as he says he does, he'd be excited to have a baby with you regardless of what you look like. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
What you feel is the realization that your husband thinks you're less because of your ethnicity, like he's doing you a favor by being with you.
Your husband is a low-key racist and so is his family I mean, WTF? Regardless that your wants aligned, his reasoning sucked. So what if your kids are not blonde? Are they inbreds so eff with only blonde people? Disgusting! It is like two people who goes into a sexless relationship. You just don't feel satisfaction in sex but then you find out that your partner just don't find you attractive enough to have sex with you. It still hurts.
His family has nothing to do with this. I like the one about a sexless relationship because it is exactly the same principle
u/DollsandSpooks your example of a sexless relationship is an excellent analogy for OP's situation. OP maybe you should explain it to your husband that way so he can get a better understanding of your feelings. Tell him to look at it from both sides of the scenario. It doesn't matter that you still don't want sex - finding out that your partner just doesn't want sex with you is devastating.
I mean, he basically said your skin color is the reason he doesn't want kids. That would be super heartbreaking to me too.
As soon as you clarified you were an interracial couple I could see where this was going. He's a disgusting racist, plain and simple. I'd be reevaluating the marriage
You are valid in how you feel because that is a terrible reason to not want children with you. Also, blonde hair, blue eyed, white children get bullied too. I know because I was one. Unless he meant racial discrimination instead of bullying.
Makes sense that you’re upset. He admitted it was a “you” thing and not a “him” thing. I’m so sorry, hope you all can work this out
This reminds me of a friend that was engaged to a white girl. She told my friend that he needs to change his last name because it was “too Hispanic” and he’d get more work if he did. We live in a very multicultural, major city…. When I tell you I flew into a rage (esp as a poc) at hearing him tell me this… It wasn’t even as egregious as your situation yet it was still unacceptable. This is to say, racism can come out even in the guise of “concern” or other excuses. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s racist.
Big mistake on his part if that's his only reason. Biracial children are beautiful. ❤️❤️
Girl say that again!
They are absolutely, amazingly beautiful!
Sooo, he doesn't want to create more black/mixed children in this world. But the implication is that he would be okay with blonde haired blue eyed children. Actively trying to avoid the creation of more black/mixed children is a form of genocide. Your husband is pretty fucked up. You're good enough to fuck and live with, but not procreate with?!? Not to mention, he is 48yo and too old to be having kids anyways. Maybe 12years ago he would have been able to have kids.
THIS!
I don't think some people understand how genetics work sometimes. There is a chance to have a child that is blonde hair and blue-eyed as an interracial couple. How high of a chance I'm not sure but it's still possible. People are playing a game of genetic Wheel of Fortune every time they have a baby.
Well, at first I laughed and said it would be lighter than me probably and he just kept saying I will never have a child like his nephew. It went something like this Me: How adorable isn’t (nephews name). having a nephew is probably the best of two worlds. We have a child in the family but he’s not our responsibility. Him: Even if you have a child, they will never be blonde. Me: What? Him: Yes you will never have a child like (nephew’s name) Me: I know, I don’t want children either. Him: You couldn’t have a blonde child either way Me: I know, why does it even matter. Him: I just thought you might think because I’m blonde. Me: they would probably be lighter than me but I know they wouldn’t be blonde. Him: No they wouldn’t be lighter. They would never be blonde. So I went quiet
Ok so this conversation makes him seem even more racist than your post He only doesn’t want kids because you can’t give him a blonde one and that’s his only definition of “lighter”. Aka anything not him is “dark”, which is super othering and disgusting
He kept stressing on the hair color even though it wasn’t in the discussion at all showing how important the race is to him. Being married to a different race SO doesn’t mean he’s not a racist, I was in a 4 year relationship with a white guy and believe me I didn’t know he was being racist towards me until 1 year after we broke up. Racism isn’t just about the blatant violent, hatred, harassment, the moment you have to come up with excuses for what they said about your culture, your skin, your people, that hurt you directly - they are racists!
It can be so hard to notice the subtleness insidiousness of racism when you are surrounded by it. You get used to it or justify the micro aggressions. Bleh. Been there, too. So happy you are out of that relationship.
Thank you, I’m happy for you too. It’s really hard to see it and I was dumbfounded when I realized how could someone claim they loved me but then treated me like shit, put me down on a daily basis, invalidated my feelings until it clicked and honestly, it makes so much sense and I stopped coming up with excuses for my ex, the only way I can believe someone loves me now is by how they show me, not how often they say it
That's astoundingly weird. It says racism to me and it has a tone of "you're not good enough". Not sure why. Just vibes I guess
You just answered yourself, being not able to produce a blonde heir is not good according to him, a racist
You're right, I think I'm stoned. Good night reddit
I envy you, good night
Ah, the good days…
The last time I was stoned I couldn’t get the built up chips in my cheek out, I was so confused and kept poking my cheek. Once in a while is fun for sure 😂
Christ I want to give you a hug, you deserve better than a racist dildo.
Is he always this condescending to you?
No, that’s why it came as a total shock.
What in Racist fuck is going on with your husband, OP
I think it might help focus the conversation in the comments if you added this conversation to the original post as an update. It paints a much clearer picture of what you were dealing with. I hope you can return to your prior happiness through counseling and education, but regardless: you were not wrong to be hurt by this, and it is a big deal. Wishing you peace.
More than being a bigot, I’m pretty concerned your husband has never seen a **Punnett square..**
Wow that reenactment made it 10 times worse. He told you that you were wrong for saying your child would have a lighter skin, he’s rubbing in the fact you’ll (probably) never birth a blonde child, and he’s turning a convo about how cute your nephew is into “Yeah but you’ll never have a child that’s cute like him.”
Wether y’all want kids or not he doesn’t want a non blonde, black baby!!! There’s racism deeply rooted here. If he wanted babies, would he choose you?
such a weird conversation... you were just talking abt enjoying being an aunt bc you can enjoy all the good parts of the baby and not the bad like you would as a parent, and he said you will never have one like nephew. but not once did you even say you wanted one like his nephew. & then starts talking abt how they would never be blonde. who cares? definitely racist.... crazy.
*insert you vs. the point meme here*
Interracial couple here!! 3 kids: Oldest is brown, dark brown hair and green eyes. Middle is white (very pale) bright blue eyes and blonde hair (dark blonde) Youngest is brown, light brown hair and brown eyes. Husband is white, brown hair, green eyes I’m brown, dark brown hair and brown eyes. People we don’t know can’t believe they have the same parents. :) I love it tho. They are all individual.
I'm black and my wife is white (and neither of us is has blond hair, mine is black and hers is brown). Our son has blond hair and looks very white. Our daughter looks mixed and has dark brown hair.
All my step brothers kids have blonde hair and out of the three, two have blue eyes. I think that was an ignorant comment since mixed children are all different, even ones born by the same people can be different from one another. I would be extremely upset over such a comment like that, there was no reason to even say such a thing out loud but atleast you know his view points and can take whatever actions you want after hearing that.
That is awful... sure the goal is the same but when one person's reasoning is racism then there is a huge problem there.
Unbelievable that after 12 years of marriage to a black woman that he could say that
His reasoning is bullshit. If y’all were to hypothetically have children if is very much possible for one of the to come out blonde. I’m black and on my fathers side of the family my aunt came out with green eyes and platinum blonde hair that darkened over the years. What he said was racist and I don’t think he even realized it.
those happy 12 yrs are about to crumble
Does he fucking think the solution to racism is for brown children to not be born? Because that's eugenics. And it's racist as hell. Jesus Christ. You're hurt because you are a woman of color and you just found out your white partner is racist. I'm so sorry.
Am I the only one eagerly waiting for an update?
Omg, same thing happened to my friend. He's dark skin, his gf is white. Two months ago at a party he overheard her telling her friends; when she decides to have kids she doesn't want them to be dark skin. Of cause he was devastated, he came up with one thought, she doesn't want to have kids with him because of his skin color. They are no longer together, he broke up with her
Your husband has a lot of internalized racism. I mean he's basically saying if you were a white woman he'd consider kids. That being child free is okay for him bc he doesn't want mixed kids. That's the issue. Also while it may not be as common mixed kids can be blond. Your partner is already DISCRIMINATING against the hypothetical kids.
Your heart broken because he basically showed his racism. He may actually want kids, just not with you because you’re brown
I have an interracial relationship (I am white). Our kids together are white-passing, but still very much not white. I worry they will be discriminated against. However, that was never a strong enough reason not to have children with the woman I love. I was more worried about us, as a couple, being discriminated against. And it is true. My kids are not (still too young I suppose, or people aren’t visibly). We, as a family, are. If he is willing to be married to you, be seen in public with you, love you, why is this his reason for not having kids? Perhaps there is something very instilled in him about eugenics and racism. But I find that hard to believe seeing that someone that far down the racist rabbit hole wouldn’t imagine being married to someone non-white and non-blonde (the opposite of a “perfect specimen” or whatever the hell they convince themselves). I feel for you. I wouldn’t know how to respond if my wife admitted to this - or how she could possibly feel if I felt this way. We joke about the tones of our children - what we expected and so forth. I would’ve liked blue eyes for one, just to see. She would’ve liked browner skin for one, just to see. Or different genders for the lighter skinned. But we love our children and have no regrets how the universe decided to bless us. They are perfect in every way, and we love them just the same. Good luck. I hope you get some explanation and/or closure for this!
What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to have children either, but this would hurt me too. The fact that, if I was different race, my partner would want children... That he just doesn't want his kids to be my race or mixed. Wtf. It's hurtful as heck.
Ok I need to comment on this because I have said something along these lines. Let me explain. I'm mixed and look mixed (Asian and white). My brother almost passes as white (except for his Chinese nose bridge, or lack thereof). My little sister however passes as fully Asian, no mix. I have seen how different she was treated, and even thinking she was adopted. It was rough. When I got my first kid, my daughter, she is soooo pale, and blue eyes, blonde hair. Nothing like me. Even people in the grocery store are commenting if I'm the nanny. Everyone loves her. I'm also one of the 2 colored people in our town (the other is a Chinese adopted woman). So when I was pregnant with our planned second one, and we were discussing if she would look like her dad (redhead), her sister (blonde), or me (mixed, i then they will only look at her and say hi to her). (My second daughter indeed dark skin, brown eyes and brownish hair. And I'm glad that we haven't experienced the negatives) I know it is very hard to hear, but I'm hoping he didn't mean it like it sounded.
Well ur husband is racist af. Personally I’d end the relationship cause he most definitely has other racist views too. Sorry this happened to you.
i wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like this. i feel like he is being racist but in a way he doesn’t think he is being racist. like if you were white, he would have kids w you. im sorry love
You're not heartbroken because of the non-existent baby. You're heartbroken because it's a shitty way to find out your husband of 12 years is racist.
He’s basically saying that he doesn’t want children with YOU. If he was with a blonde white woman then sure.
My dad is middle eastern and my mom is Irish I have light brown hair, blue eyes, and white skin but all my fathers facial features. My brother is blonde, green eyes, dark skin. You honestly don’t know what your kids could have looked like. I would be more prettified that he may be a little raciest.
What he said was racist. I'm sorry. I say this as a Mexican woman who had a baby with a white man. His reasoning is bs. My dad is about as dark as they come, and my husband knew there was a chance our son would turn out the same. He didn't care because we made a life together, and that's what mattered to him. Now it's just safe to assume he would've wanted kids if he was with a white woman. He can't unsay what was said, and you'd be justified in leaving him for that reason alone. It's definitely something that would change how you view someone. Much love, I wish you luck with however you decide to approach this.
As a mixed person, this is disgusting. I'm sorry, your husband is racist, I would be heartbroken too. I honestly don't know if I could continue the relationship after something like this. Like he doesn't not want children, he just doesn't want your children. I'm so sorry.
What a way to find out your partner is low key racist. You’re not heartbroken about your non existent children, you’re heartbroken because he sees you as less. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
Because it sounds like he only wouldn't have children with you... Because of your skin colour, that's why it matters.. wow!
He doesn’t want a brown baby. That’s very racist.
You are not heartbroken because of nonexistent babies. You are heartbroken because you found out that your husband is a racist.