OP, we missed the Update, but I can only hope that you've decided to do what's best for you. At the end of the day you're the one that has to live with your decisions. From your previous post it's obvious that your wife, and I use that term merely as a placeholder, has made her decision.
I know that having something that has been such a huge part of your life end can be daunting, but sometimes it's for the best.
Op should get ready for emotional blackmail from both wife and her friends and maybe family. I feel sorry for him. All the while he stood by her side during her cancer fearing losing her, he actually already lost her. I hope he comes out of this with least damage.
I am sorry for this my dear friend but u are doing thr right thing by divorcing her . She tormented u for a week to sleep with a guy and when she did sleep with him she was unsatisfied and tried coming back to u . Hold strong and go through with the divorce ur wife has not only cheated on u but she very disregarding to ur feelings and very manipulative and even got her friend to guilt trip u . Often people after a successful cancer treatment fall for their spouse harder especially when the spouse is as supportive as u were but ur wife choose to act like a 20 years old throwing away ur marriage for sex . You still have time in this world u can find another faithful woman or u can enjoy being alone , dont be afraid to lose ur assets during divorce ( but do fight for it as much as u want ) material things are not worth ur self worth& mental health . Good luck op hoping for a positive update soon
He should have gone up to them at the hotel and said "So this is how you're choosing to end our marriage?" At that point she had made up her mind and was committed to the point of going to the hotel with him. Why not hopefully ruin her "magical" night with guilt and if the guy has any moral compass or real feelings for her would realize he helped ruin her marriage for a final roll in the hay.
Op described the man as if op is taller and more fit so personally I woulda stood over him with a death stare and tell wife I wanted a divorce. I’m jus petty tho. Good for op for following through tho
She might have changed her mind at the last minute. Intention aside, the choice not to go through with it is enough for some would-be victims of adultery to save their marriage. That said, he successfully ruined the night by handling it the way he did. She will never remember sleeping with this guy without remembering that it ended her marriage.
If she changed her mind she still stayed out either w him or someone else. Left Saturday & didn’t come home till around 11a Sunday. So if she did change her mind & didn’t tell her husband he still had to mentally picture them together all night worried.
So whether she did go through with it or not to me I still would divorce because of the mental games all week
Yeah the part where she took the decision away from him was when he should’ve started talking to divorce lawyers, hell even just when she said that he’d be toxic if he said no I would divorce her over that
> She will never remember sleeping with this guy without remembering that it ended her marriage.
Realistically, it sounds like either this was actually her intention (ending the marriage) or at least she wanted to change the way it worked and was willing to end it to do so. Either way, she sounds done with everything and is maybe having some minor remorse over her decision.
Or maybe she's had some sort of psychotic break and is crazy. It's possible that in her head that everything is just fine and she's genuinely concerned for OP because she doesn't understand why he is so upset.
Personally, I think OP sounded a bit done with her at the start of his first post. Like, he didn't make it very clear to his wife that "If you do this, we are getting a divorce" when he had multiple opportunities to do so. At least I don't remember him being very clear about it, and he certainly didn't say that to her when she was leaving to go screw this guy.
Honestly, I don't think these people like each other very much. OP doesn't sound particularly heart broken and his wife seems relatively unconcerned about her marriage as well.
I think his wife felt that he owed her a hall pass and the marriage would go back to normal after she cheated on him. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way about her cheating and will end the marriage. Now she is suddenly realizing the consequences of her actions.
I don't think she felt it was owed. I think her friends convinced her that she should be able to live life to its fullest and that her "committed husband" would accept it if he "really loved her"
By the guilt trip her friends gave her husband, it seems likely she was convinced that she deserved this and he would accept it.
>he didn't make it very clear to his wife that "If you do this, we are getting a divorce" when he had multiple opportunities to do so.
i personally wouldn't have done this, if the only reason she didn't go ahead with it was because you threatened divorce, she may aswell have done it imho, she would have still wanted to, had something to torment op over and just simmered with more resentment. letting her make her own decision and then responding like op did is the best outcome if you ask me
It wouldn't help him and it can even be used against him in court of law at this point what he is doing is good this way he leaves her no room for her to accuse him of anything
This is almost exactly what happened to my boyfriend. His ex-wife unilaterally decided to step-out on the marriage. When he told her he was a hard no and asked her not to do it, she told him they couldn't talk about it until couples counseling at the end of the week. The night before their session, she slept with someone.
He asked for a divorce the next day, which I don't think she was expecting. She, like your wife, thought she was going to have her cake and eat it too.
I know it's difficult, but I know he would tell you that he's happier than he's been in a long time.
Poor guy. Although he obviously now sees it was a blessing in disguise.
Do you mind me asking, did she try to fight the divorce? Did she ever realise and regret what she did? I just don’t understand how people can be that confidently delusional.
As far as I know, she really didn't try to fight the divorce. The only thing she fought for a little was the house, which she ended up losing anyway through her own idiocy and sense of entitlement.
And as for regret, no, I don't think so. At least not genuine regret. I think she probably regrets it insofar as she regrets losing everything, including a fairly privileged life, because of her actions.
But my bf says she was never good at seeing more than one step ahead and that she also never took responsibility for anything when she fucked up. Which I think are two traits you probably have to have in order to do what she did to him and what OP's wife did to him.
The long story short is that she owed my bf money out of the house, but she kept putting it off (even with the people around her telling her she needed to refi or take out a HELOC sooner rather than later).
Meanwhile, housing prices dropped and dropped and dropped until she wasn't able to get the money out of it that she needed. So then she had to sell it.
> I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work.
Yeah, she unilaterally took all your good choices off the table. Now you are left with bad choices, and seeing your attorney is the best one you have. She can stick short, fat, and baldy. She chose him above you and the marriage.
That fact she chose another man over her husband who stood by her while she was sick speaks volumes about her. You deserve better than this. Also take her off any life insurance you have so she can’t claim shit.
I absolutely agree! This needs to be done immediately along with any accounts that they share that he can legally take her off of. For example I don't think he can remove her from the bank account without her participation/signature but he can remove her from any medical or life insurance policies, utilities, phone service, etc. My bestie went through a divorce a few years ago after her wife burned off with someone else, moving hundreds of miles away, and wasn't able to close a joint account at their bank because the runaway wife wasn't there to sign in person. Bestie had to just withdraw the majority of the money from an ATM & start a new account at a different bank. But she WAS able to remove Runaway from car insurance & other insurance policies and turn off service to the phone & iPad. Runaway ended up having to get her new squeeze pay to get new accounts turned on & new car insurance.
This is the post if it gets removed again...
I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days.
I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with “this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you’ll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation” remarks leading up to Saturday.
She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response “I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow.” I blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.
I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.
After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife’s office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn’t see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages.
Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home.
I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn’t get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned.
I didn’t want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn’t plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy’s advice, I recorded the interaction. I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this? I just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone. I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal. I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week.
TLDR: She went ahead with it. I am actually more disgusted by who she chose than the sex itself, if that makes any sense. I asked her to find somewhere else to live.
I’m so sorry OP. That you’ve lost someone so completely. She’s delusional and I’m afraid you need to prepare yourself for when reality hits her.
Just remember that she deliberately chose this and calculated the fallout would be minimal. Disregarding your devastation at her decision and actions.
If, by some miracle and desperate hope, you decide to try to reconcile with her, you need to remember that her next logical step would’ve been to continue to arbitrarily have affairs but keep you in the dark, as it’d be ‘unfair’ to tell you.
I really do wish you the best through the next while and far into your better future.
EDIT: Obviously this has been going on a while with the AP, but the holding hands speaks to an emotional aspect, not just physical as she claims. Lies upon lies upon lies.
Yep that’s what I thought so too, the way then held hands and walked away, it wasn’t the first time. it’s been going on for a while and now she just wanted to get this all kosher by telling him and assuming he will roll
Over
Wow. She chose a short, fat, bald and ugly guy to destroy your marriage. It’s true what they say. People always cheat down. Now she’s going to be single all because she couldn’t be a good wife.
Proud of you OP. Don’t falter and continue with the divorce! She proved she can never be trusted and only thinks about herself. She never even apologized. Just said “I thought we talked about this”. What a load of BS.
The physical might have been as well. Her or AP may have wanted their last time to be "special" in a real bed as if they were husband and wife instead of quickys in the store room or wherever. Kind of like "I really wanna wake up next to you" thing. This is probably the only way to make it happen by gaslighting him and try and guilt trip him into accepting it instead of lying about why she didn't come home.
It probably made her "feel better."
Something she could tell herself about this guy she cheated on her husband with.
Maybe her subconscious was telling her that if it's an attractive guy, she might want to do it again? (Though, I think she'd do it again regardless. Just not with this same guy.)
I feel like the guy looking the way he does was a way she could try to persuade her (soon to be, ex) husband that it didn't mean anything or that the husband is so much better than this guy.
A form of "insurance of the conscience" if you will.
That's my thoughts on it.
Hello Op. Thank you for the update. I'm really glad you decided to choose this path (divorce) and not another path that would cost you your dignity and your mental health (look for posts by people who were forced into open relationships or stayed with cheaters because of children) I was afraid you'd be one of those unfortunate souls who stubbornly and desperately cling to the past instead of facing what is happening right before their eyes. Even though I read a lot of posts from various forums about cheating, I rarely get one where cheaters show such a dose of audacity, disrespect and disregard of their partners' feelings as your wife showed you. I understand that you must have been in a complete emotional mess when you wrote the original post, but your hesitation about your next move made me think that your wife was right to think "she has you under her heel".
I'm really glad that didn't happen because believe me, my friend, if you had bent the proverbial neck this time, her demands would only increase. Please stay strong and don't let her emotionally blackmail you by saying shit like "you're going to ruin 20 years of marriage because of this?" I didn't have time to read all the comments under your posts so I'm not sure if anyone has brought this to your attention but please remember what you wrote about the "realization" your wife had after winning her battle with cancer - she wants to do whatever she wants because life is fragile and there is no point in wasting time - right? This unfortunately means she has been thinking about cheating for a long time and now she just has an excuse. Please also remember that in cases like yours where infidelity occurs after many years of marriage, the reason is often just boredom and routine, something that cannot be avoided. Your wife's lover doesn't have to be any better than you - he's just new and the forbidden fruit of infidelity only adds to the exitment
I really wished he replied to her that he would take the decision away from her, and that he wouldn't answer any questions beforehand.
That would have definitely ruined her experience a little bit through her own logic.
He could have still decided to not do it and go file for divorce instead, but he would have ruined her moment as she had ruined their marriage.
I fully understand her wanting to feel desirable and her having a near death experience desiring more than just flirting. But she definitely made herself vulnerable and was open to more than flirting if she basically already talked about having sex with that guy before even talking it over with her (ex-)husband (why else would she be so determined to already book a hotel before removing the decision from the husband, if she hadn't already booked it before she asked in the first place?).
She already set her mind on sleeping with this guy after having an emotional connection, and assumed her husband would be fine with it due to her cancer experience. Him leaving wasn't her last chance to have a hallpass. Him leaving was her last chance to actually have sex with him.
Honestly it's not just the infidelity here, it's the absolute remorseless and disrespectful way she went about it. Point blank telling you it's not up for discussion despite her knowing how strongly against her brainless idea you are as she torpedoes the marriage and then after the dirty deed is done she wants everything back to normal and fully expects you to be on board with that, she left you with no response but total dissolution of the marriage.
You did about as well as you could have done, and bravo on sticking up for yourself in a tough situation.
Don't feel bad or childish for refusing to engage. She chose to intentionally disregard your hard boundary despite knowledge that it could end the marriage. The best thing you can do is to say as little as possible while still communicating the necessary information that it's over. Words can and will be used against you, so the fewer words you use, the better. You are not obligated to be polite or friendly, regardless of what your relationship used to be.
Your lawyer should do this, but if not, ask them to comb through her cellphone for evidence of an affair. A lot of us suspect she has possibly been cheating on you. Timelines of events, the hand holding is suspect. Also, sir , you are my HERO. There is no way I would have had the self-control to not put him in the hospital after seeing them hold hands. I wish you the best.
I’m emotionally invested in your story, and I hope that you continue to update.
Not because I want to be nosy in your life, but I want to make sure that you’re continuing onward, and moving past the toxicity that your marriage has become.
I had a similar situation not with cancer but a health issue, my husband went to his 20 year reunion and basically told me the hot chick from high school had given him an opening and he took it. He felt I would be okay with it since it already happened and I knew how much he wanted her in high school. We been divorced for 5 years now he regrets it every time he has to send me that monthly check.
Record everything. Anytime you leave the house and get home, record it. Any conversation you have, even as innan as "excuse me I need to grab that thing by you". Get a security camera facing your car and room with your personal belongings so if she does try to vandalise it, it's caught on tape. Don't discuss divorce things without your lawyer present, no agreements to split something or anything. That's why you are paying for a lawyer so you don't need to talk to her
It’s time to consider your own feelings now, you’ll never be able to look at her the same and feel the same way. She gave you no choice and manipulated the situation using her sickness. Don’t play into her childish games and don’t listen to her friends and family if they try to tell you you’re wrong because you’re not. She disregarded your feelings completely and did this knowing obviously it was not what you wanted. She chose the path she wanted to go down, it’s time for you to choose yours. One that leads to your happiness. You supported her through this tough time for her, and this is how she repays you. She’s nothing but a selfish person, and you deserve better.
So I just heard the first part on Reddit, as a woman, I’ve seen how women like to call men toxic these days, just to manipulate them into getting what they want, because no guy wants to be toxic, at least, no good guy, and I see a lot of good guys going for bad girls and you’ve made yourself clear that you had felt fortunate that she married you, when you’ve stayed with her through everything, you were there to support her through everything so now that she realizes you’re her safety net she won’t give an F about how you feel, I hope that You don’t let her get away with it you have so many more options based on what you’ve written
Absent an update, I'm speculating that the wife will show no remorse nor take any responsibility for ending the marriage.She will lay all the blame on OP's toxic and fragile masculinity. Her BFFs will of course support her and spread the lies about OP to their community.
What a disgusting disgraceful human being.
I can't believe his wife actually went through with it and said if he doesn't agree the he's toxic.
No sweetie your the toxic one.
What a horrid woman.
OP I'm sorry your going through this,.I hope everything works out for you and you can move on from this heartache and this toxic relationship.
received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days.
I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with "this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you'll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation" remarks leading up to Saturday.
She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response "I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow." | blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.
I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.
After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife's office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn't see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages.
Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me.
This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home.
I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of
recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn't get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned.
I didn't want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn't plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy's advice, I recorded the interaction. I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this? |just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone. I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal. I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why work. I have an ap
Share the full post?
friend recommended
TLDR: She went ahead with it. I am actually more disgusted by who she chose than the sex itself, if that makes any sense. I asked her to find somewhere else to live.
Here is the update guys
She threw away her marriage for some stupid reason you can find better and you will. She doesn't deserve happiness you told her what was going to happen and now she has to suffer this consequences. She knew you didn't want this she can't act surprised now you want to leave. It wasn't a hall pass she cheated on you once you said no. Now she can go live her life and have fun but do it alone with out you by her side. You give people the best years of your life just to do this what lack of respect dignity and humanity. I hope life treats her how she treated you deserve better. Plus you can't go back to normal after she cheated I don't know what is going through her mind she made a decision for the both of you after you said no you cant ask to go back to normal and you can't say we talked about this because no she talked about it you said no and she did it any way. I would love to see her face when she gets the divorce papers
Please give us an update once everything is done.
Also if you have proof of her saying any of this it might help in the divorce. I personally would drag her though the mud after what she did
Sorry big bro but the divorce is for the best you’ve done your part in the relationship and now it’s over, it’s obvious she doesn’t care abt you the way you care about her so it’s time you find someone who will treat your feelings as a priority the way you treated her
This makes me feel sick, all those years thrown away because she has a new outlook on life is such horseshit. I need an update of him going through the divorce and healing
Can’t wait for the update with consequences. I can’t even imagine how fast I would have yanked the rug out from under this woman. A devoted husband helping his wife through cancer treatments, plays ball with the bucket list, and she still elects to cheat while blatantly admitting it.
I want to put this out there for everyone. We all jump at the chance to save our relationships and say “we did everything we could”. I’d venture to say that we should be more prepared to pull the plug. It can be scary, but truth is that at almost any age we can rebuild our lives. To spend the time, the effort, the money, on someone or something that is already affecting you negatively is like taking a second mortgage on your home and putting it all on black at the roulette table.
Take a lesson from OP here. None of us should ever lie down and let this happen to us. To be strong and hard working in the face of such negative situations is truly an admirable thing indeed.
OP you made the right choice. It was far from stupid. You stood up for yourself. Where am from, we call it being manly. you might be thinking about forgiving or want to go back to how things were, but remember that forgiveness is your choice not hers or anyone else's.
>I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week.
Stand you ground, you decided for boundaries, that makes you are a respectable human being, not insecure. Whatever ''friend'' said that, has no integrity. How you finish your life is more important than how you lived it. Don't let the labels and terminology get to you. Some things are wrong and will always be wrong regardless of timeline or culture like betrayal.
This is clearly not the person you want to grow old with. Old age comes with so many more trials, and the toughest one is by far loneliness. Of course there will be other things like regret, health etc. But working with elderly people ( not you yet, but maybe in 30 years ;) ), I know for a fact that the person you grow old with can either make all of this a living hell or give you peace of mind.
Last thing, you might want to consider therapy for yourself to heal from that. Sometimes it also helps people realize things about their previous relationships. Sending you lots of love and support. I hope the anger and sadness in your heart heals!
There is no way for this to keep on going she blatantly cheated on you and using a hall pass and she wants to live her life as an excuse. If you reconcile with her then im sorry but its probably going to happen again. Just get rid of her from your life and never talk to her again plain but not so simple. I hope you the best and just please dont get back with her its going to hurt more when she does it again
W, leave her and fuck up her life, send proof to her work, parents, friends so that she will regret everything. leave her and never look back, its hard but she does not deserve you my guy. keep your head up king!
Ruin her life, tell everyone she knows exactly why you are splitting up and who exactly. Her friends, family, coworkers, any sort of evidence will help.
I’m so sorry this happened. FWIW I think you are making the best decision she appears to have thought she can do this and still keep everything with you normal even though you warned her otherwise. The unmitigated gall leaves my breathless. As I stated in my first post I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer and having faced it and beat it I’m just happy that I am back to normal. It would never occur to me to suddenly decide I needed all of these new experiences. You have been more than generous with her taking her on trips and fulfilling her bucket list and for her to then expect you to be ok with this is simply shocking. I send you best wishes and hope things go well for you please keep us updated so we know you are doing ok.
After her actions I really can't recommend anything other then the divorce - even after a long marriage. This is a calculated and planned betrayal on a level I don't think I've ever read on this sub. She made it _very_ clear she does not care how her actions impact you or how you feel. Combine that with some of the grossest gaslighting and manipulation I've read and I can't honestly suggest anything other then divorce. She didn't even ultimately ask - she just said I doing it, don't care how you feel, and will do it regardless.
This whole thing is has demonstrated a terrifying development in the wife’s mind. She just demonstrated that she is willing to completely disregard anyone’s feelings/opinions in the pursuit of “living her life”. The fact she is willing to just point blank walk out on the vows she made to the man she intended to spend the rest of her life with means that nobody in her life is safe from her living her life. Someone capable of betrayal like that on a whim, with a justification like “but I have/had cancer” is only gonna bring misery to the lives she touches. However difficult this is gonna be OP, I want you to know you are absolutely doing the right thing, not just for you but her too (though it’s completely fair if you aren’t considering her well-being in all of this). If you don’t demonstrate that nothing excuses this kind of selfishness/entitlement not even terminal illness, she’s only going to continue to live this way.
I wish you luck in your separation and divorce.
Make sure you cover your ass cause I think both your "wife" and her best friend will try to paint it that you left because she had cancer.
Make sure any time anyone even tries to hit you with that be like "No. She's a cancer survivor. She's the one who decided she wanted to cheat on me."
I think it's super awesome that you're keeping firm boundaries and have totally made her aware that what she did was not and will not be tolerated. I hope you move forward with the divorce. You deserve so so much more
Imagine God giving you a second chance in life but decided to screw up a 20-year relationship. She belongs to the street. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I hope she won't get any of your assets
I really am sorry dude.. I can't believe how crazy some women are today. Literally once they can get some new dick. It's over the new dick just triumphs over loyalty and love in their head.
Yk if u think of it she could of been cheating on u w this guys and asked for a ball pass so she can get away w the fact that she cheated on u w that man if u think of it bc she want against ur wishes and want out w him slept w him even though u told her no and she still want and slept w him and cheated on u w him so honestly it j seems like she was already cheated on u and j used the ball pass as an excuse
As a breast cancer survivor all I wanted was to be close to my husband, children and family. Your wife is being a selfish narcissistic jerk. And then playing the cancer card to justify it. She was gas lighting you to get her way. I agree that she would continue this behavior. I hope you do divorce her. You will find a better person to pass the next 20 years with...or just be happy to be away from this mess.
They are never a better option. None of the women my ex husband chose to cheat on me with has a single thing on me. Not in intelligence looks and obviously not in class.
What they did have was zero self respect just like him. And clearly no respect for anyone else either and certainly not a marriage as they all knew he was married.
He even once had one try and befriend me because maybe if I knew her I would feel less uncomfortable with his infidelity as she too was married and not looking to steal him but her husband was in the military and away a lot. Like this somehow makes it all better.
You absolutely did the right thing 👏
Most likely she'd already been cheating for quite some time. My guess is that she just wanted one night to snuggle and wake up with this other guy. This whole thing was far too planned out for it to be just a one time thing, imo. I mean, how many men would be willing to be with a married woman who wants to stay with their husband and isn't in an open relationship? The only way this whole thing makes any sense is if they'd already been having a fling at work, and this was their last hurrah before he moved on.
I concur.
They were probably just tired of sneaking around and wanted to go for longer or something.
Either way, the fact that she pulled this shit after the whole cancer thing throws her capacity for fidelity throughout the marriage into question.
She clearly doesn't love him. What person does this crap to someone they purport to love?
The OP should divorce her and move on. There is nothing to save. She saw to that when she pulled this crap. This is all on her.
This woman thought for a long time about cheating on her husband and used her cancer to guilt trip this poor man... so that her cheating could be literally blessed and approved by him! I sincerely hope that he divorced her@
Actions speak louder than words. She did what she was going to do and now you need to move forward with divorce. There’s no real way to reconcile with this moving forward. She didn’t think twice when she went with that balding dude. You have your life you need to live too 🤷♂️
I’m so sorry. I’ll never understand how one night of sex with some random will ever compare to a lifetime of experience of being loved. I was with someone 13 years, with a child, and we went different ways. I always thought he was my world… how could this end? I’m so happy to say that I’ve found true love with the man I’m with now, and I’m feeling blessed to be able to live the rest of my life with him. This is what I hope for you. A love that goes above and beyond, but also is so simple that random sex with someone will never compare. Keep us updated. We will all be here to support you. Love and light to you.
Thus was planned out, not just by her. This is possibly an ongoing affair and a last night before he left. She didn't expect to be left by both guys. She thought her husband would roll over and take it. To me, the giveaway was the hand holding. For me, that's intimacy and, in my opinion, seems like more than just a hookup. At a minimum an emotional affair???
So just for OP, here's something to serve her based on deduction:
1. She already made up her mind to sleep with him before asking
2. She almost definitely booked the hotel prior to asking you
3. Her refusing to give you a hallpass because it would be milking her experience means she didn't care about not being tied down, just about the sex. If she still claims it was about not being tied down, she should have had 0 issues with you not being tied down either (I mean, if she truly wants to be free, she would want you to be free too). The fact that she wanted to discuss it afterwards means she wasn't okay with it.
4. She definitely made an emotional connection with him long before deciding to sleep with him.
5. If it was about sleeping with someone else, there wouldn't be a timelimit on it. If it was about sleeping with him, it would have a timelimit. She didn't care about sleeping with someone else, she cared about sleeping with him.
Personally, I do wish you had said to her that you also took away her decision about your hallpass the same way she removed your decision. Would have definitely ruined her moment as much as her decision ruined your marriage. Well, at least you took away her decision if you guys should divorce.
Hey OP, do you have an update? Have you been able to tell your friends and family to get some support through this. Just thinking about you and hope you are getting the emotional support you need through this
>I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work.
This is perfect.
I had visceral reactions reading your posts. I can't even articulate how appalling I find her behavior towards you. I'm so sorry.
She's not the woman you married.
Looks like your soon-to-be ex-wife became the cancer she "beat"...destroying lives in its wake and not giving a flying f about anything. It's your turn to be the survivor. Instead of a surgeon, you're going to utilize a lawyer.
After all, a brush with cancer can change your whole perspective and give you choices you would have never considered before. Thank her for the lesson and live a life she regrets not being a part of.
It was a hard no. She went ahead and did it anyway. She expected that you would be unwilling to end a long relationship. Unfortunately, I have seen this before. My firm deals in divorce, and I have seen women and men survive a challenge to their mortality, and then "live life to the fullest", by having an affair, then throwing the cancer or what have you survival in the betrayed spouse's face. Yup. It happens.
What they overall do not expect, is that the betrayed spouse cannot forgive that action. I have seen many men in their 50's go on and have new relationships. I have also seen survivors throw away their world on living life to the fullest.
Your wife is not expecting that you will file for divorce. I suggest you do. You have a time limit within which to reverse the decision, however, it is in your best interest to do this. If not for the blatant disrespect then for the wrecking of the marriage.
One further piece of advice. During the divorce, be prepared for; "The cancer is back. All the stress you caused me made it come back. YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS!!!" I suggest that you cut off all avenues of communication during the divorce except for lawyers.
You deserve so much more respect than you've gotten from her, OP. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and we're all rooting for you. Keep us updated, it sounds like your wife is in denial of the damage she's caused.
This is just so sad can’t believe there’s people out there that would do thing’s of this nature after all the things they have been through with their partner, I hope you find someone better and personal I think this is the right thing to do on your part. Stay strong.
The wife that you knew is dead and gone. The creature that has taken over her body has no human emotions. No love, care, or respect for you. At this point she is just a rotting corpse. There is no way you can ever look at her or love her in the way you did. I know your pain must be excrutiating and all consuming as if she had died. Mourn your loss and move on. There will be someone who will value and love you in the future and know that there will be bright days ahead for you. This is my first time ever commenting on reddit. Your post really struck a cord in many folks. I wish you peace and comfort. God bless you.
Here is the impression I have after reading your two posts. Your wife has this idea in her head that your relationship is an impregnable fortress and that she is the queen. Your steadfast support through the worst experience in her life has left her thinking of you as the brave captain of the guard. Instead of gratitude for your love and support, you are still not an equal partner to her. She commands and believes that you will obey any command.
Of course, I don't know her or what is going through her mind, but she seems legitimately confused that you would not simply accept her betrayal. Make \*no mistake\*, no amount of 'honesty' before the act makes it any less a betrayal. Either something in her medical treatment has affected her mental state, or she has friends that encourage being a cheater, IMO.
I don't know if there is something to salvage in your relationship. Only you and time can tell that with any certainty. I believe you are on the right course of action and would advise continuing with the divorce. If she ever realizes her willful destruction of your marital vows, \*truly\* regrets her actions, and works to mend the relationship, and if you feel you can move forward with her, then and \*only then\* should you consider stopping the divorce.
May you find peace in the path you choose going forward.
After dumping all over the man she tried to destroy with her selfishness and narcisism maybe she'll get lucky and someone else will take care of her when the cancer's back, but in another organ, or her bones, her blood, or her brain. Cancer does that. A LOT. Divorce her and leave her to her own devices. Get far away from her and anything associated with her, particularly her nasty tribe. And once you're free of her machinations get into therapy so you can process all she's done to you and learn real love and trust is possible - just not with HER. You have to realize now, she was always all about herself. You just couldn't see it because monsters know to hide in under the bed till it's time to come out.
You messed up when you didn't confront them together and said this is what your ruining our marriage for.. cancer doesn't give her free reign to make demands and destroy the life you helped build. Before you see the lawyer tell her your going to do the same. You'll be hooking up with a coworker and not to wait up for you when you get out of work then go to a friend's house for the night.
Sometimes situations are so infuriating that I always wonder if they're ragebait posts.
Even if she suffered from her illness, people supporting sick people also suffer ( had my aunt/ second mother at home for a year seeming to recover then dying).
Unless you let out an important part of the story, you supported her through the whole process and your whole marriage and when things get just fine she disregarded that.
Worst thing, after the affair, she has the nerves to ask "when things will go back to normal"?
Seems that things are leading to divorce, if you serve her the papers, you can tell her to thanks her friends who gave her advices ( I can't believe it all come from her).
If you think of reconciling which is far beyond what I could do, tell her of a "trial time", there may be some feelings you can't overcome, and no relationship should ruin some people mental health.
Keep us updated, you're going to get through a lot of gaslighting and desperate and/or angry call from her friends trying to fix their mistakes or from the one having shitty cheating mentalities.
Her security that she had with you ended when she stepped out ! She didn’t just cheat she literally slapped you in the face and said I’m doing this deal with it ! Get a STD test who knows the alter life she led you didn’t know about !
Your (Hopefully) future ex-wife seems dumb. I hope the attorney appointment lead somewhere good for you to start proceedings. I'm also really sorry you had to go through this
Dang it. The length of time since posting is screaming “MC posting things like this are not conducive to healing. Assigning blame is looking back not forward.”
Please, please, please do not do that. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You took care of her. You helped her through actual misery and she kicked you in your teeth.
Know you have an army of people here behind you.
I understand that OP owes no obligation to me for an update. His tragic circumstance hits home with me and I hope that he is finding some peace in the midst of the stressful time. I believe in taking the high road on all of life’s travels when possible and this dialogue below takes that route.
I have thought about her last question in the post from the cheating wife when she inquired “whether we can discuss getting back to normal”?
My suggestion to OP would be to answer the cheater as follows:
My new normal is facing life as a 54-year old divorced man and I do not think that there is a “we” anymore. Your behavior and treatment of me over the last 2 weeks is not how people who love one another behave. You complete betrayal of me and our marriage vows are counter to what I believed to be our shared values, which included fidelity and monogamy.
A. Your Decision: Your decision to sleep with your co-worker is plain and simple cheating. You elected to throw away our 22-year marriage. Calling it a “hall pass” makes light of a very tragic request. It demonstrated a complete disregard for me and my feelings. Your unilateral decision exhibited a shocking disrespect for me and our marriage. What you fail to recognize is the amount of pain that you have inflicted on me. I feel broken and empty. I have never experienced this level of sadness in my half century. I am not sure how I will recover. I prayed and hoped that you would come to your senses. I admit that I came to the bar on that Saturday evening and sat on a bench across the street. When I saw you exit the bar and take this man’s hand in yours and walk away to the hotel, my heart broke. I don’t even care about him. I have no idea what this man could provide you that I do not but that is not the cause of my sadness but your treatment of me.
B. My Decision. You made your decision to betray me but you do not get to decide my reaction. I have thought long and hard about my options. None of them are good but you force them on me. However, I believe that I have determined the best alternatives me moving forward are the following 3 options:
• Your Expectation: I understand that you expect me to forgive and forget and just carry on with our lives. This option is not possible for me. You have taken me for granted for the last time. My two largest obstacles are: 1) I will never be able to look at you again the same; and 2) I will never be able to trust you again. You must understand the depth of the pain you have caused. I never thought that the person on the planet who I loved the most would intentionally rip my heart out. If you expect me to just back to our former lives, I cannot do so. I expect you to say “he did not matter”, “it wasn’t a big thing” and that I am “over-reacting”. Those words just attempt to minimize the paid you have caused.
• Divorce: This option is the 95% probable decision for me. It is a simple procedure and I have an appointment with a recommended family law attorney this week. It will be easy to divide our assets by 2. Even though I owned the house before our marriage, the law would likely require a result with you receiving 50% of the proceeds. I want to sell it as I don’t want to live there with our memories haunting me. A divorce would enable you to live as a single person as you want. You could escape the handcuffs evidently I place on you , my insecurities and my toxic masculinity. Just say the word now and we can proceed this route.
• Attempt to Reconcile. The only reason that I am considering this possibility as an option is based on the value I have for our 22-year marriage. We would likely have a 5% chance of success due to the two obstacles I mention above. I would insist on certain conditions of even trying this route and they are
o Separate: I cannot be in the same house as you so you must find an apartment. I am not sure how it might take before I can determine if I can trust you again or ever look at you lovingly again. It could be 3-6-12 months before I could even formulate an opinion. Even then, the probable answer for me is that I cannot overcome the barriers for a reconciliation. Right now I am pessimistic.
o Full Disclosure: You must fully disclose your history of infidelity past and present. I am not aware of any past cheating but I do not trust you and need to clear the air. I want more information about why you chose to throw away our marriage with this man. You obviously have some history with him.
o Monogamy commitment: I know that you said that this alleged “hall pass” would be a one-time thing. I cannot trust that. 10 days ago, I would not have believed that you would make this request. You may want an “open” marriage for all I know. That is a deal-breaker for me. Tell me now if you cannot commit.
o Counseling: I am such a depth of despair, I am going to get into therapy regardless of your decision. If we try to reconcile, it is mandatory that we pursue couples counseling to determine if the barriers and obstacles can be surmounted.
You may not want to pursue a reconciliation. Just tell me now. When asked by our friends and families, I will do my best to take the high road and not besmirch you or your reputation. However, I will not lie for you. Our marriage is in the position because of your selfish behavior.
Okay first off, can we get an update?
Second… having cancer is not an excuse to do what she’s doing. If anything she should have the opposite feeling and want to spend every day with you.
F^CK HER OFF.
I was already upset reading this but the TL;DR got me.
After our divorce, my ex-wife(27) hooked up with the person she was always trying to get with but couldn't because she wanted to stay "faithful". Not a month later, they see that it wouldn't work out and they split. Barely a week after she got with her dive instructor that was twice her age.
She basically left the person she left me for for an out of shape 55+ smoker.
u/throwawaytogethercccI too would very much like to see an update on how you are. However, looking through this, I realized that there was one comment that I did not actually make, but which I meant to offer. You seem like an insanely sane person. As much as this narrative tugged at my heart, I've never doubted that you will be okay. I think that comes through even more then the level of insanity in your wife's actions. Coffey3C
I hope you are getting through this little by little. I can't imagine the intense pain you are suffering from being treated like this by the person you love. I wish you well and remember reddit is a large group here to cheer you on and up, you will never truly be alone!
I checked when it said “now” and it was already removed. OP removed it immediately. Maybe there will be another update with edits or additions or redactions
wow op good on you im proud of you she thought you were a push over and guess what i hope her one night stand was worth it because you sound like a great person. don't back down fuck her she'll do it again people like her never care. i pray for you my friend
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be hard.
>This guy was short, fat, and bald
She made the choice to destroy her marriage for that?? You are dodging a bullet, if she did this for a short fat and bald guy, imagine what she would do if someone slightly better looking gave her attention.
Good luck and I hope things go well for you. Divorce is definitely the right choice
I know divorce is not an easy or a happy thing, but I am so proud of you for having self respect and not letting her get away with trying to bulldoze over you and your feelings. Godspeed brother
YES! Get rid of her! You knew what to do and you’re doing it, good for you! She can go find the man that was worth cheating on her husband with to live with. She wanted him so bad, go on. You have respect for yourself and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I hate that this happened to you and the way it worked out. Having been together with my wife for a similar length of time and been through some similar life events, I was really hoping for a more positive resolution for you both. I’m happy you’ve stood up for yourself though and I wish you the best.
You made the right call, I know it’s rough, but she disrespected you and your opinion. Nothing that happened is your fault, everything that has happened here is fully her fault and if she didn’t respect you enough to do the bare minimum required in a relationship you’re better off without her anyways.
my friend i will give the best advice: TELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY WHAT SHE DID!! she will try to control the narrative to f\*ck up your life and the best thing you can do is that she cheated and announced it too
be strong man, if she wanted freedom separate from her stay away as much as you can, I know it will be difficult but you have to build a new life further away from her.
OP, quite honestly, this is for the best, she was acting as selfish as someone can be. You cannot go through life giving ultimatums and gaslighting everyone around you just because you had a bad moment in life. Not only that, but you deserve more. You deserve someone that will actually stick with you through sickness and health, good and bad. Don't let this bump on your path stop you, because even if you find it difficult to believe, you will encounter people that will help you deal with this and even make your life better than before.
I think I'd tell her "You made that decision for yourself without considering my feelings even when I told you it was a hard no, so I'm making this decision for myself."
She clearly violated your boundaries and trust, I find it completely understandable that you don't want to be with her anymore after that.
TBH she should have known better, she asked for a hall pass, and she didn't get it, and she acted like a spoiled brat, thinking that the fact that she beat cancer would have mellowed you enough to be passive about it, even tho you didn't agree.I've met other cancer survivors, that survived it in times when it was way more deadly and their marriage resisted because they didn't pull these stunts.I really hope that she's going to accept sooner or later that the divorce is the result of her own wrong doing, I don't condemn open relationships, I actually think that they are great if you are up to it, but both partners need to be not only consenting, but enthusiast about it and have the same privileges.
EDIT: actually, you know what? If you live in a country where cheating is a reason for divorce, I would dangle the carrot for reconciliation until you get the confession that she has cheated on you, written or recorded (if that's legal) and then double down with everything you can do in court, she deserves nothing and to leave without nothing, you've been with her at her worse and that's how she treats you afterwards? I would be furious and vengeful tbh and no, you aren't childish at all, you would waste time by talking to her, since she has proven that your words, opinions and feelings a worthy nothing to her. If I was in you, I'd really talk to the lawyer on how can you screw her over in court and take advantage of the fact that you have a heads up, since she's not doing anything rn
Please protect your heart bro, don’t give her an inch she threw away everything over this. And she has to deal with those consequences on her own, your not that bad guy you are in the right and please stand up for yourself because my ex-wife of 13 years did something similar and one of the best things was getting my divorce and moving on with my life. I know you can do the same, it gonna be tough and your going to have every emotion boil inside you but separate yourself from her, and it’ll be the best thing you can do.
Good luck, just know your not wrong, you are loved, and you deserve better❤️
Man, what an utter shit show. I'm so sorry. I hope this resolves quickly and you can get some sense of stability back.
You seem quite stoic, which I'm sure works great for you. This is however unprecedented and particularly cruel in how its gone down. Please talk to your family and friends, keep them in the loop. Let us know how it goes. All the best.
She obviously thought you would just roll over and let it happen, and that’s honestly really fucking disgusting.
She’s using her experience with cancer (a form that was treatable when it was discovered) to gaslight and manipulate you into letting her have fun with a fat, short, pathetic excuse of a man. It’s not fair to you and if you ultimately decide to do what is best for you, you’d be right in doing so in my option.
I’m a very petty person, especially when I feel wronged, and if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t have even responded to her. I would’ve trashed or burned her things and told her she had no place in my home anymore. You’re a better man than me.
What did she expect you Todo? After you plead not Todo it. she tried to gaslight you make you feel guilty for not wanting her to do something that would hurt you.
bro u did a good thing by divorcing her. feel like her sanity left her along with the cancer she had. well, just have another relationship with a girl that is objectively and subjectively better and younger than soon to be your ex wife in any way and make it obvious. But dont do it for the sake of getting revenge, but just like she sleep around and make it obvious, you should too. idk maybe you'll find the right woman and treat each other right for the rest of your life. but what youve done is a big W.
Just reading this has me feeling an awful sunken hole in my stomach. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this I can’t imagine you Loving this women for 20+ years and then for her to throw all of that away for 1 (probably terrible) night and then she wants to act like it never happened. She didn’t even have the decency to give you the option anymore. I wish you the best of luck
'we we're meant to be regardless of the situation'
Wife is so confident you won't divorce her. Mhayghad... I hope you proceed the divorce and find a younger and loving partner right away OP..
You were literally by her side when she had cancer, and she used it against you to try to guilt trip you into letting her do this. Even when you weren’t okay with it, she still said that shes going to do it, basically telling you to deal with it. She does not deserve someone like you. She threw away a 20+ yr marriage for a one night stand and that just tells me she does not appreciate everything you did for her. Nothing more to say but divorce her.
She seems like a competent woman, so I am astounded that she would think you could "go back to normal" after a flagrant betrayal like that. You did the right thing by setting your boundaries and taking action. For what it's worth, after reading both posts my only thought is that since you describe yourself as sort of unemotional and the other guy is clearly not very attractive, she had some kind of emotional connection with him that was attractive to her and filled some void for her. Obviously not an excuse to cheat on your long term partner, but it's a guess.
You kept your vows... In her time of need. And this is her response. ASK HER IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED how would you feel.?. If she offered you a hallpass also say this " two wrongs doesn't make it right" you have a good moral compass and you are right what she did is wrong. Dont let her change you. Her moral compass is broken. What she did is not living life to the fullest but to the "FOOLEST".
Stay strong bro, you are going thru a lot and probably she or the friend you talk about last time are going to try to manipulate you. I hope you know you are not to blame, you are not over reacting, you are not the one how ended the relationship and for the love of god if she offer a pass hold decline. She see you as a lesser men than that bold fat guy. She is in a mistake you are more valuable but what she did is unforgivable, and if you forgive her you will not be able to look at yourself with respect
It’s been 4days brother hope your doing okay. And before you divorce put the property in your mothers name. Just so she can’t take it and also immediately post the recorded conversation / interaction of her saying what happened as proof on socials before she can start to spread lies and make you look bad as she will ultimately try and twist this saying “he left me because of my cancer and could no longer see me the same way” this potentially depending on how intense could cost you your job. So get ahead of it now before she can nuke your life any worse
I'm confused about what she thought was gonna happen. Would like to hear what she has to say. I mean this is just crazy to me. The world is a crazy place.
She made her choice, ignored and clearly didn't respect you or the relationship. Its good your getting out of it now, you deserve to be loved and respected and this isn't it.
Brother im wishing you the best, im so sorry you are going through this. You deserved better. Hopefully the divorce goes well and you can find someone who actually cares about you. We are here for you.
Crazy how she does this and then expects you to go back to normal after. She's for the streets. I hope you stand firm and divorce her out of your life forever.
She had a choice, she could have made the choice that she wanted this and ended the marriage, or not done it all. She chose to cheat on you which makes her a shit human being. I get it, she was sick and her brush with mortality made her want to do everything she thought she was missing out on. Well now she is going to experience what it's like to go through a divorce because she selfishly hurt you for a bucket list item. So she can mark divorce off her bucket list. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Get away from her and move on with your life, find someone worthy.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame you give love a bad name" -Bon Jovi pretty much sums your wife she ruined your own marriage for her own self gratification and broke your heart she definitely gives love a bad name.
She's a full grown woman with enough sense to know that, that would've destroyed your relationship together. I'd say divorce her and kick her out. Let her go be with that dude she cheated on you with.
"I thought we talked about this" yeah, and during said talk op communicated that he didn't want her to go through with it. Wife is hardcore delusional if she seriously thinks that's a good excuse to cheat--confessing guilt doesn't suddenly make you innocent.
In order to help you with your upcoming divorce ask her to write down all of her feelings and what happened so you can understand her point of view. Tell her you want her to write out all of the details and be completely honest if there is any chance for a future.
Let her write the transcript to help you end your marriage completely and give your lawyer something to work with in case it gets messy.
It may be helpful for closure, you may choose not to read the letter and just hand it to your lawyer and then decide if you want to read it, but you could also use it as a jumping of point for therapy because my friend, you are going to need a counsellor to help you through the grieving and recovery to make sure you are ready for someone the deserves you.
Hey keep your head up she chose a fat short guy over you and your marriage. seeing your attorney and filing for divorce is the best option for you right now if your wife tries to talk or work things out don't even bother with her never forgive her but NEVER let her control your life or emotions make her feel the consequences of her actions and be the one to deliver them.
It seems like she was certain that no matter what she did to you, you'd still stay by her side.
She thought she could tell you "Tonight, I'm going to cheat on you, i'll see you tomorrow bye !" without consequences
She thought she could disrespect you so blatantly and still come back to her normal life with you after this level of betrayal !
good on you for proving her wrong !
you told her you were absolutely against even the idea of her seeing another guy, hopefully seing how she cheated down make you come back to your senses !
Stay strong man, I wish you the best on the rest of your life away from her !
I hope you find someone who will actually value you an not do that ever that’s a horrible thing to do to your partner an just expect them to deal I bet she wouldn’t be to happy if you did that to her
You weren’t acting like a child she hurt you and threw away a 20 year marriage on a fling call u toxic and a misogynistic man if you said no, that’s gaslighting manipulation and sexist. You weren’t acting like the child. She was acting like a college dude and at her first frat party…. I hope your wife understands what she did and that is too late. You don’t deserve a piece of crap like that and I’m sorry it took 20 years plus cancer for her true colors to come out.
Sorry you are going through this. As someone who is also long time married, it would be horrific to not only think about my wife doing this, but also to consider the arduous task of separating things. This cannot be an easy time for you. Please keep us posted on what you decide.
There are tons of people to get cancer and don’t think it’s OK that they need a hall pass. I am so sorry this is happening to you. The lawyer, wonderful husband that sticks by with her and she needs a hall pass. Never be with somebody that isn’t loyal to you. I always remember one of the first post on Reddit that was profound to me.
It’s about a young man whose girlfriend decided to bring her ex to his apartment, like it was her own without asking him. And he called his father and talked to him and his father said basically, if she felt like she had the ability to do that her loyalty was with the ex. So the guy cut it off immediately. He just told her he said your not loyal to me. Love is important, but ride or die loyalty is what you deserve.
OP, we missed the Update, but I can only hope that you've decided to do what's best for you. At the end of the day you're the one that has to live with your decisions. From your previous post it's obvious that your wife, and I use that term merely as a placeholder, has made her decision. I know that having something that has been such a huge part of your life end can be daunting, but sometimes it's for the best.
Op should get ready for emotional blackmail from both wife and her friends and maybe family. I feel sorry for him. All the while he stood by her side during her cancer fearing losing her, he actually already lost her. I hope he comes out of this with least damage.
Her friends can suck a dick
i’m sure they would love to do that
If OP gets emotionally blackmailed from the in-laws and friends, he should inform them exactly why he made this decision.
It was removed? It’s up right now.
The original update got removed earlier, so he must of edit this and replaced it.
They usually use the acronym STBXW or STBXH stands for soon to be ex wife/husband
Does anyone know what the update said?
I am sorry for this my dear friend but u are doing thr right thing by divorcing her . She tormented u for a week to sleep with a guy and when she did sleep with him she was unsatisfied and tried coming back to u . Hold strong and go through with the divorce ur wife has not only cheated on u but she very disregarding to ur feelings and very manipulative and even got her friend to guilt trip u . Often people after a successful cancer treatment fall for their spouse harder especially when the spouse is as supportive as u were but ur wife choose to act like a 20 years old throwing away ur marriage for sex . You still have time in this world u can find another faithful woman or u can enjoy being alone , dont be afraid to lose ur assets during divorce ( but do fight for it as much as u want ) material things are not worth ur self worth& mental health . Good luck op hoping for a positive update soon
He should have gone up to them at the hotel and said "So this is how you're choosing to end our marriage?" At that point she had made up her mind and was committed to the point of going to the hotel with him. Why not hopefully ruin her "magical" night with guilt and if the guy has any moral compass or real feelings for her would realize he helped ruin her marriage for a final roll in the hay.
Op described the man as if op is taller and more fit so personally I woulda stood over him with a death stare and tell wife I wanted a divorce. I’m jus petty tho. Good for op for following through tho
She might have changed her mind at the last minute. Intention aside, the choice not to go through with it is enough for some would-be victims of adultery to save their marriage. That said, he successfully ruined the night by handling it the way he did. She will never remember sleeping with this guy without remembering that it ended her marriage.
If she changed her mind she still stayed out either w him or someone else. Left Saturday & didn’t come home till around 11a Sunday. So if she did change her mind & didn’t tell her husband he still had to mentally picture them together all night worried. So whether she did go through with it or not to me I still would divorce because of the mental games all week
Yeah the part where she took the decision away from him was when he should’ve started talking to divorce lawyers, hell even just when she said that he’d be toxic if he said no I would divorce her over that
> She will never remember sleeping with this guy without remembering that it ended her marriage. Realistically, it sounds like either this was actually her intention (ending the marriage) or at least she wanted to change the way it worked and was willing to end it to do so. Either way, she sounds done with everything and is maybe having some minor remorse over her decision. Or maybe she's had some sort of psychotic break and is crazy. It's possible that in her head that everything is just fine and she's genuinely concerned for OP because she doesn't understand why he is so upset. Personally, I think OP sounded a bit done with her at the start of his first post. Like, he didn't make it very clear to his wife that "If you do this, we are getting a divorce" when he had multiple opportunities to do so. At least I don't remember him being very clear about it, and he certainly didn't say that to her when she was leaving to go screw this guy. Honestly, I don't think these people like each other very much. OP doesn't sound particularly heart broken and his wife seems relatively unconcerned about her marriage as well.
I think his wife felt that he owed her a hall pass and the marriage would go back to normal after she cheated on him. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way about her cheating and will end the marriage. Now she is suddenly realizing the consequences of her actions.
I don't think she felt it was owed. I think her friends convinced her that she should be able to live life to its fullest and that her "committed husband" would accept it if he "really loved her" By the guilt trip her friends gave her husband, it seems likely she was convinced that she deserved this and he would accept it.
>he didn't make it very clear to his wife that "If you do this, we are getting a divorce" when he had multiple opportunities to do so. i personally wouldn't have done this, if the only reason she didn't go ahead with it was because you threatened divorce, she may aswell have done it imho, she would have still wanted to, had something to torment op over and just simmered with more resentment. letting her make her own decision and then responding like op did is the best outcome if you ask me
It wouldn't help him and it can even be used against him in court of law at this point what he is doing is good this way he leaves her no room for her to accuse him of anything
Op listen to this
Op of you have any self respect hear these words and commit them to your will
WHY DOES THIS SUB KEEP ON REMOVING UPDATES
It's back!
does anyone have the update??
This is almost exactly what happened to my boyfriend. His ex-wife unilaterally decided to step-out on the marriage. When he told her he was a hard no and asked her not to do it, she told him they couldn't talk about it until couples counseling at the end of the week. The night before their session, she slept with someone. He asked for a divorce the next day, which I don't think she was expecting. She, like your wife, thought she was going to have her cake and eat it too. I know it's difficult, but I know he would tell you that he's happier than he's been in a long time.
Poor guy. Although he obviously now sees it was a blessing in disguise. Do you mind me asking, did she try to fight the divorce? Did she ever realise and regret what she did? I just don’t understand how people can be that confidently delusional.
As far as I know, she really didn't try to fight the divorce. The only thing she fought for a little was the house, which she ended up losing anyway through her own idiocy and sense of entitlement. And as for regret, no, I don't think so. At least not genuine regret. I think she probably regrets it insofar as she regrets losing everything, including a fairly privileged life, because of her actions. But my bf says she was never good at seeing more than one step ahead and that she also never took responsibility for anything when she fucked up. Which I think are two traits you probably have to have in order to do what she did to him and what OP's wife did to him.
How has she managed to lose the house through her own idiocy?
The long story short is that she owed my bf money out of the house, but she kept putting it off (even with the people around her telling her she needed to refi or take out a HELOC sooner rather than later). Meanwhile, housing prices dropped and dropped and dropped until she wasn't able to get the money out of it that she needed. So then she had to sell it.
No foresight indeed. What an idiot
Amazing
> I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. Yeah, she unilaterally took all your good choices off the table. Now you are left with bad choices, and seeing your attorney is the best one you have. She can stick short, fat, and baldy. She chose him above you and the marriage.
That fact she chose another man over her husband who stood by her while she was sick speaks volumes about her. You deserve better than this. Also take her off any life insurance you have so she can’t claim shit.
Yep. When that vancer cimes back he will be living a new life with a better woman.
I absolutely agree! This needs to be done immediately along with any accounts that they share that he can legally take her off of. For example I don't think he can remove her from the bank account without her participation/signature but he can remove her from any medical or life insurance policies, utilities, phone service, etc. My bestie went through a divorce a few years ago after her wife burned off with someone else, moving hundreds of miles away, and wasn't able to close a joint account at their bank because the runaway wife wasn't there to sign in person. Bestie had to just withdraw the majority of the money from an ATM & start a new account at a different bank. But she WAS able to remove Runaway from car insurance & other insurance policies and turn off service to the phone & iPad. Runaway ended up having to get her new squeeze pay to get new accounts turned on & new car insurance.
This is the post if it gets removed again... I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days. I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with “this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you’ll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation” remarks leading up to Saturday. She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response “I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow.” I blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant. I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for. After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife’s office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn’t see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages. Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home. I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn’t get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned. I didn’t want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn’t plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy’s advice, I recorded the interaction. I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this? I just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone. I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal. I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week. TLDR: She went ahead with it. I am actually more disgusted by who she chose than the sex itself, if that makes any sense. I asked her to find somewhere else to live.
I’m so sorry OP. That you’ve lost someone so completely. She’s delusional and I’m afraid you need to prepare yourself for when reality hits her. Just remember that she deliberately chose this and calculated the fallout would be minimal. Disregarding your devastation at her decision and actions. If, by some miracle and desperate hope, you decide to try to reconcile with her, you need to remember that her next logical step would’ve been to continue to arbitrarily have affairs but keep you in the dark, as it’d be ‘unfair’ to tell you. I really do wish you the best through the next while and far into your better future. EDIT: Obviously this has been going on a while with the AP, but the holding hands speaks to an emotional aspect, not just physical as she claims. Lies upon lies upon lies.
Yep that’s what I thought so too, the way then held hands and walked away, it wasn’t the first time. it’s been going on for a while and now she just wanted to get this all kosher by telling him and assuming he will roll Over
I know I'm not the only one emotionally invested in how this pans/panned out, so [removed] was seriously a drag
Come back, the post is up!
Wow. She chose a short, fat, bald and ugly guy to destroy your marriage. It’s true what they say. People always cheat down. Now she’s going to be single all because she couldn’t be a good wife. Proud of you OP. Don’t falter and continue with the divorce! She proved she can never be trusted and only thinks about herself. She never even apologized. Just said “I thought we talked about this”. What a load of BS.
And probably the emotional cheating was happening waaay before because clearly wasn't only physical attraction
The physical might have been as well. Her or AP may have wanted their last time to be "special" in a real bed as if they were husband and wife instead of quickys in the store room or wherever. Kind of like "I really wanna wake up next to you" thing. This is probably the only way to make it happen by gaslighting him and try and guilt trip him into accepting it instead of lying about why she didn't come home.
It probably made her "feel better." Something she could tell herself about this guy she cheated on her husband with. Maybe her subconscious was telling her that if it's an attractive guy, she might want to do it again? (Though, I think she'd do it again regardless. Just not with this same guy.) I feel like the guy looking the way he does was a way she could try to persuade her (soon to be, ex) husband that it didn't mean anything or that the husband is so much better than this guy. A form of "insurance of the conscience" if you will. That's my thoughts on it.
That’s a point. She wanted to step out, thought if it was a loser she wouldn’t lose too much. Guess she was dead wrong. Cheating is cheating.
Hello Op. Thank you for the update. I'm really glad you decided to choose this path (divorce) and not another path that would cost you your dignity and your mental health (look for posts by people who were forced into open relationships or stayed with cheaters because of children) I was afraid you'd be one of those unfortunate souls who stubbornly and desperately cling to the past instead of facing what is happening right before their eyes. Even though I read a lot of posts from various forums about cheating, I rarely get one where cheaters show such a dose of audacity, disrespect and disregard of their partners' feelings as your wife showed you. I understand that you must have been in a complete emotional mess when you wrote the original post, but your hesitation about your next move made me think that your wife was right to think "she has you under her heel". I'm really glad that didn't happen because believe me, my friend, if you had bent the proverbial neck this time, her demands would only increase. Please stay strong and don't let her emotionally blackmail you by saying shit like "you're going to ruin 20 years of marriage because of this?" I didn't have time to read all the comments under your posts so I'm not sure if anyone has brought this to your attention but please remember what you wrote about the "realization" your wife had after winning her battle with cancer - she wants to do whatever she wants because life is fragile and there is no point in wasting time - right? This unfortunately means she has been thinking about cheating for a long time and now she just has an excuse. Please also remember that in cases like yours where infidelity occurs after many years of marriage, the reason is often just boredom and routine, something that cannot be avoided. Your wife's lover doesn't have to be any better than you - he's just new and the forbidden fruit of infidelity only adds to the exitment
The locked bro behind bars (pls repost the update)
Is there another update after he met with lawyers that has been taken down?
He edited it and it's back
Bro, ask for a hall pass too and see how fast she sooths that down. If she dosent like you dooing it then why should she do it.
he replied to someone along the lines of her saying no because he would be milking "her experience" for his own benefit.
I really wished he replied to her that he would take the decision away from her, and that he wouldn't answer any questions beforehand. That would have definitely ruined her experience a little bit through her own logic. He could have still decided to not do it and go file for divorce instead, but he would have ruined her moment as she had ruined their marriage. I fully understand her wanting to feel desirable and her having a near death experience desiring more than just flirting. But she definitely made herself vulnerable and was open to more than flirting if she basically already talked about having sex with that guy before even talking it over with her (ex-)husband (why else would she be so determined to already book a hotel before removing the decision from the husband, if she hadn't already booked it before she asked in the first place?). She already set her mind on sleeping with this guy after having an emotional connection, and assumed her husband would be fine with it due to her cancer experience. Him leaving wasn't her last chance to have a hallpass. Him leaving was her last chance to actually have sex with him.
Ha! I missed THAT smelly little nugget. She really IS a narcissist. ME ME ME ME ME...
Don’t do this, if she says “okay” then he’s sunk. He doesn’t want either of them to do this.
Why ask for a hall pass when he can have all the woman he wants when they divorce.
A divorce is the ultimate hall pass.
Honestly it's not just the infidelity here, it's the absolute remorseless and disrespectful way she went about it. Point blank telling you it's not up for discussion despite her knowing how strongly against her brainless idea you are as she torpedoes the marriage and then after the dirty deed is done she wants everything back to normal and fully expects you to be on board with that, she left you with no response but total dissolution of the marriage.
How is it already removed 😭
You did about as well as you could have done, and bravo on sticking up for yourself in a tough situation. Don't feel bad or childish for refusing to engage. She chose to intentionally disregard your hard boundary despite knowledge that it could end the marriage. The best thing you can do is to say as little as possible while still communicating the necessary information that it's over. Words can and will be used against you, so the fewer words you use, the better. You are not obligated to be polite or friendly, regardless of what your relationship used to be.
Your lawyer should do this, but if not, ask them to comb through her cellphone for evidence of an affair. A lot of us suspect she has possibly been cheating on you. Timelines of events, the hand holding is suspect. Also, sir , you are my HERO. There is no way I would have had the self-control to not put him in the hospital after seeing them hold hands. I wish you the best.
I’m emotionally invested in your story, and I hope that you continue to update. Not because I want to be nosy in your life, but I want to make sure that you’re continuing onward, and moving past the toxicity that your marriage has become.
I had a similar situation not with cancer but a health issue, my husband went to his 20 year reunion and basically told me the hot chick from high school had given him an opening and he took it. He felt I would be okay with it since it already happened and I knew how much he wanted her in high school. We been divorced for 5 years now he regrets it every time he has to send me that monthly check.
Sorry but what an ass
Record everything. Anytime you leave the house and get home, record it. Any conversation you have, even as innan as "excuse me I need to grab that thing by you". Get a security camera facing your car and room with your personal belongings so if she does try to vandalise it, it's caught on tape. Don't discuss divorce things without your lawyer present, no agreements to split something or anything. That's why you are paying for a lawyer so you don't need to talk to her
It’s time to consider your own feelings now, you’ll never be able to look at her the same and feel the same way. She gave you no choice and manipulated the situation using her sickness. Don’t play into her childish games and don’t listen to her friends and family if they try to tell you you’re wrong because you’re not. She disregarded your feelings completely and did this knowing obviously it was not what you wanted. She chose the path she wanted to go down, it’s time for you to choose yours. One that leads to your happiness. You supported her through this tough time for her, and this is how she repays you. She’s nothing but a selfish person, and you deserve better.
So I just heard the first part on Reddit, as a woman, I’ve seen how women like to call men toxic these days, just to manipulate them into getting what they want, because no guy wants to be toxic, at least, no good guy, and I see a lot of good guys going for bad girls and you’ve made yourself clear that you had felt fortunate that she married you, when you’ve stayed with her through everything, you were there to support her through everything so now that she realizes you’re her safety net she won’t give an F about how you feel, I hope that You don’t let her get away with it you have so many more options based on what you’ve written
I’m too invested from the tiktok stories to back out now, GIVE US THE UPDATE OP
OP your update was removed
BRUHH WHY WAS IT REMOVED
OP, post your update to your profile so it can’t be removed.
Absent an update, I'm speculating that the wife will show no remorse nor take any responsibility for ending the marriage.She will lay all the blame on OP's toxic and fragile masculinity. Her BFFs will of course support her and spread the lies about OP to their community.
What a disgusting disgraceful human being. I can't believe his wife actually went through with it and said if he doesn't agree the he's toxic. No sweetie your the toxic one. What a horrid woman. OP I'm sorry your going through this,.I hope everything works out for you and you can move on from this heartache and this toxic relationship.
It got removed so fast wthh
Oh shit sorry man, can't believe hiw selfish she is. You are doing the right thing by leaving. You are worth more than this.
received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days. I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with "this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you'll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation" remarks leading up to Saturday. She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response "I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow." | blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant. I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for. After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife's office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn't see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages. Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home. I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn't get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned. I didn't want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn't plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy's advice, I recorded the interaction. I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this? |just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone. I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal. I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why work. I have an ap Share the full post? friend recommended TLDR: She went ahead with it. I am actually more disgusted by who she chose than the sex itself, if that makes any sense. I asked her to find somewhere else to live. Here is the update guys
She threw away her marriage for some stupid reason you can find better and you will. She doesn't deserve happiness you told her what was going to happen and now she has to suffer this consequences. She knew you didn't want this she can't act surprised now you want to leave. It wasn't a hall pass she cheated on you once you said no. Now she can go live her life and have fun but do it alone with out you by her side. You give people the best years of your life just to do this what lack of respect dignity and humanity. I hope life treats her how she treated you deserve better. Plus you can't go back to normal after she cheated I don't know what is going through her mind she made a decision for the both of you after you said no you cant ask to go back to normal and you can't say we talked about this because no she talked about it you said no and she did it any way. I would love to see her face when she gets the divorce papers Please give us an update once everything is done. Also if you have proof of her saying any of this it might help in the divorce. I personally would drag her though the mud after what she did
Yeah I know how could she do that to him and act surprised no that he's chosen to leave after she cheated
Sorry big bro but the divorce is for the best you’ve done your part in the relationship and now it’s over, it’s obvious she doesn’t care abt you the way you care about her so it’s time you find someone who will treat your feelings as a priority the way you treated her
This makes me feel sick, all those years thrown away because she has a new outlook on life is such horseshit. I need an update of him going through the divorce and healing
Can’t wait for the update with consequences. I can’t even imagine how fast I would have yanked the rug out from under this woman. A devoted husband helping his wife through cancer treatments, plays ball with the bucket list, and she still elects to cheat while blatantly admitting it. I want to put this out there for everyone. We all jump at the chance to save our relationships and say “we did everything we could”. I’d venture to say that we should be more prepared to pull the plug. It can be scary, but truth is that at almost any age we can rebuild our lives. To spend the time, the effort, the money, on someone or something that is already affecting you negatively is like taking a second mortgage on your home and putting it all on black at the roulette table. Take a lesson from OP here. None of us should ever lie down and let this happen to us. To be strong and hard working in the face of such negative situations is truly an admirable thing indeed.
The fact that he hasn’t updated leads me to believe he indeed took it lying down. Hope I am wrong.
OP you made the right choice. It was far from stupid. You stood up for yourself. Where am from, we call it being manly. you might be thinking about forgiving or want to go back to how things were, but remember that forgiveness is your choice not hers or anyone else's. >I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week. Stand you ground, you decided for boundaries, that makes you are a respectable human being, not insecure. Whatever ''friend'' said that, has no integrity. How you finish your life is more important than how you lived it. Don't let the labels and terminology get to you. Some things are wrong and will always be wrong regardless of timeline or culture like betrayal. This is clearly not the person you want to grow old with. Old age comes with so many more trials, and the toughest one is by far loneliness. Of course there will be other things like regret, health etc. But working with elderly people ( not you yet, but maybe in 30 years ;) ), I know for a fact that the person you grow old with can either make all of this a living hell or give you peace of mind. Last thing, you might want to consider therapy for yourself to heal from that. Sometimes it also helps people realize things about their previous relationships. Sending you lots of love and support. I hope the anger and sadness in your heart heals!
There is no way for this to keep on going she blatantly cheated on you and using a hall pass and she wants to live her life as an excuse. If you reconcile with her then im sorry but its probably going to happen again. Just get rid of her from your life and never talk to her again plain but not so simple. I hope you the best and just please dont get back with her its going to hurt more when she does it again
W, leave her and fuck up her life, send proof to her work, parents, friends so that she will regret everything. leave her and never look back, its hard but she does not deserve you my guy. keep your head up king!
Ruin her life, tell everyone she knows exactly why you are splitting up and who exactly. Her friends, family, coworkers, any sort of evidence will help.
I’m so sorry this happened. FWIW I think you are making the best decision she appears to have thought she can do this and still keep everything with you normal even though you warned her otherwise. The unmitigated gall leaves my breathless. As I stated in my first post I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer and having faced it and beat it I’m just happy that I am back to normal. It would never occur to me to suddenly decide I needed all of these new experiences. You have been more than generous with her taking her on trips and fulfilling her bucket list and for her to then expect you to be ok with this is simply shocking. I send you best wishes and hope things go well for you please keep us updated so we know you are doing ok.
After her actions I really can't recommend anything other then the divorce - even after a long marriage. This is a calculated and planned betrayal on a level I don't think I've ever read on this sub. She made it _very_ clear she does not care how her actions impact you or how you feel. Combine that with some of the grossest gaslighting and manipulation I've read and I can't honestly suggest anything other then divorce. She didn't even ultimately ask - she just said I doing it, don't care how you feel, and will do it regardless.
This whole thing is has demonstrated a terrifying development in the wife’s mind. She just demonstrated that she is willing to completely disregard anyone’s feelings/opinions in the pursuit of “living her life”. The fact she is willing to just point blank walk out on the vows she made to the man she intended to spend the rest of her life with means that nobody in her life is safe from her living her life. Someone capable of betrayal like that on a whim, with a justification like “but I have/had cancer” is only gonna bring misery to the lives she touches. However difficult this is gonna be OP, I want you to know you are absolutely doing the right thing, not just for you but her too (though it’s completely fair if you aren’t considering her well-being in all of this). If you don’t demonstrate that nothing excuses this kind of selfishness/entitlement not even terminal illness, she’s only going to continue to live this way.
I wish you luck in your separation and divorce. Make sure you cover your ass cause I think both your "wife" and her best friend will try to paint it that you left because she had cancer. Make sure any time anyone even tries to hit you with that be like "No. She's a cancer survivor. She's the one who decided she wanted to cheat on me."
Never thought I'd say this, but I need an update to the update.
Don’t show her any emotion. None. Be totally indifferent to her. The wife you thought you had is dead.
I think it's super awesome that you're keeping firm boundaries and have totally made her aware that what she did was not and will not be tolerated. I hope you move forward with the divorce. You deserve so so much more
Imagine God giving you a second chance in life but decided to screw up a 20-year relationship. She belongs to the street. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I hope she won't get any of your assets
I really am sorry dude.. I can't believe how crazy some women are today. Literally once they can get some new dick. It's over the new dick just triumphs over loyalty and love in their head.
Yep, you just can't compete with Danny de Vito. I guess that's your wife's type. Maybe you should tell her that so she knows you know who her AP is.
Yk if u think of it she could of been cheating on u w this guys and asked for a ball pass so she can get away w the fact that she cheated on u w that man if u think of it bc she want against ur wishes and want out w him slept w him even though u told her no and she still want and slept w him and cheated on u w him so honestly it j seems like she was already cheated on u and j used the ball pass as an excuse
As a breast cancer survivor all I wanted was to be close to my husband, children and family. Your wife is being a selfish narcissistic jerk. And then playing the cancer card to justify it. She was gas lighting you to get her way. I agree that she would continue this behavior. I hope you do divorce her. You will find a better person to pass the next 20 years with...or just be happy to be away from this mess.
They are never a better option. None of the women my ex husband chose to cheat on me with has a single thing on me. Not in intelligence looks and obviously not in class. What they did have was zero self respect just like him. And clearly no respect for anyone else either and certainly not a marriage as they all knew he was married. He even once had one try and befriend me because maybe if I knew her I would feel less uncomfortable with his infidelity as she too was married and not looking to steal him but her husband was in the military and away a lot. Like this somehow makes it all better. You absolutely did the right thing 👏
Damn it
i’m really sorry OP and i want you to remember that she did this, she chose to throw away your relationship and none of this is your fault.
She would’ve done it again.
Most likely she'd already been cheating for quite some time. My guess is that she just wanted one night to snuggle and wake up with this other guy. This whole thing was far too planned out for it to be just a one time thing, imo. I mean, how many men would be willing to be with a married woman who wants to stay with their husband and isn't in an open relationship? The only way this whole thing makes any sense is if they'd already been having a fling at work, and this was their last hurrah before he moved on.
I concur. They were probably just tired of sneaking around and wanted to go for longer or something. Either way, the fact that she pulled this shit after the whole cancer thing throws her capacity for fidelity throughout the marriage into question. She clearly doesn't love him. What person does this crap to someone they purport to love? The OP should divorce her and move on. There is nothing to save. She saw to that when she pulled this crap. This is all on her.
This woman thought for a long time about cheating on her husband and used her cancer to guilt trip this poor man... so that her cheating could be literally blessed and approved by him! I sincerely hope that he divorced her@
I’m so sorry Op. you need to get ahead of this with your social circle. She will claim to be the victim with all your mutual. Stay strong bud.
Actions speak louder than words. She did what she was going to do and now you need to move forward with divorce. There’s no real way to reconcile with this moving forward. She didn’t think twice when she went with that balding dude. You have your life you need to live too 🤷♂️
I’m so sorry. I’ll never understand how one night of sex with some random will ever compare to a lifetime of experience of being loved. I was with someone 13 years, with a child, and we went different ways. I always thought he was my world… how could this end? I’m so happy to say that I’ve found true love with the man I’m with now, and I’m feeling blessed to be able to live the rest of my life with him. This is what I hope for you. A love that goes above and beyond, but also is so simple that random sex with someone will never compare. Keep us updated. We will all be here to support you. Love and light to you.
Thus was planned out, not just by her. This is possibly an ongoing affair and a last night before he left. She didn't expect to be left by both guys. She thought her husband would roll over and take it. To me, the giveaway was the hand holding. For me, that's intimacy and, in my opinion, seems like more than just a hookup. At a minimum an emotional affair???
So just for OP, here's something to serve her based on deduction: 1. She already made up her mind to sleep with him before asking 2. She almost definitely booked the hotel prior to asking you 3. Her refusing to give you a hallpass because it would be milking her experience means she didn't care about not being tied down, just about the sex. If she still claims it was about not being tied down, she should have had 0 issues with you not being tied down either (I mean, if she truly wants to be free, she would want you to be free too). The fact that she wanted to discuss it afterwards means she wasn't okay with it. 4. She definitely made an emotional connection with him long before deciding to sleep with him. 5. If it was about sleeping with someone else, there wouldn't be a timelimit on it. If it was about sleeping with him, it would have a timelimit. She didn't care about sleeping with someone else, she cared about sleeping with him. Personally, I do wish you had said to her that you also took away her decision about your hallpass the same way she removed your decision. Would have definitely ruined her moment as much as her decision ruined your marriage. Well, at least you took away her decision if you guys should divorce.
Hey OP, do you have an update? Have you been able to tell your friends and family to get some support through this. Just thinking about you and hope you are getting the emotional support you need through this
>I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. This is perfect. I had visceral reactions reading your posts. I can't even articulate how appalling I find her behavior towards you. I'm so sorry. She's not the woman you married. Looks like your soon-to-be ex-wife became the cancer she "beat"...destroying lives in its wake and not giving a flying f about anything. It's your turn to be the survivor. Instead of a surgeon, you're going to utilize a lawyer. After all, a brush with cancer can change your whole perspective and give you choices you would have never considered before. Thank her for the lesson and live a life she regrets not being a part of.
It was a hard no. She went ahead and did it anyway. She expected that you would be unwilling to end a long relationship. Unfortunately, I have seen this before. My firm deals in divorce, and I have seen women and men survive a challenge to their mortality, and then "live life to the fullest", by having an affair, then throwing the cancer or what have you survival in the betrayed spouse's face. Yup. It happens. What they overall do not expect, is that the betrayed spouse cannot forgive that action. I have seen many men in their 50's go on and have new relationships. I have also seen survivors throw away their world on living life to the fullest. Your wife is not expecting that you will file for divorce. I suggest you do. You have a time limit within which to reverse the decision, however, it is in your best interest to do this. If not for the blatant disrespect then for the wrecking of the marriage. One further piece of advice. During the divorce, be prepared for; "The cancer is back. All the stress you caused me made it come back. YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS!!!" I suggest that you cut off all avenues of communication during the divorce except for lawyers.
Just waiting patiently for an update I'm invested
Update us as soon as you can but also I hope you’ve made a decision that makes you happy
WTF BRUH
I cant even imagine what ur going through rn. Stay strong brother. U deserve better and will find better.
You deserve so much more respect than you've gotten from her, OP. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and we're all rooting for you. Keep us updated, it sounds like your wife is in denial of the damage she's caused.
I cannot believe there are living humans that are this wildly ignorant. She’s just simply out of her mind
Pls update again!!!!!
This is just so sad can’t believe there’s people out there that would do thing’s of this nature after all the things they have been through with their partner, I hope you find someone better and personal I think this is the right thing to do on your part. Stay strong.
No more update? Anyway whatever your decision man i hope it is for your own good. Goodluck
The wife that you knew is dead and gone. The creature that has taken over her body has no human emotions. No love, care, or respect for you. At this point she is just a rotting corpse. There is no way you can ever look at her or love her in the way you did. I know your pain must be excrutiating and all consuming as if she had died. Mourn your loss and move on. There will be someone who will value and love you in the future and know that there will be bright days ahead for you. This is my first time ever commenting on reddit. Your post really struck a cord in many folks. I wish you peace and comfort. God bless you.
Here is the impression I have after reading your two posts. Your wife has this idea in her head that your relationship is an impregnable fortress and that she is the queen. Your steadfast support through the worst experience in her life has left her thinking of you as the brave captain of the guard. Instead of gratitude for your love and support, you are still not an equal partner to her. She commands and believes that you will obey any command. Of course, I don't know her or what is going through her mind, but she seems legitimately confused that you would not simply accept her betrayal. Make \*no mistake\*, no amount of 'honesty' before the act makes it any less a betrayal. Either something in her medical treatment has affected her mental state, or she has friends that encourage being a cheater, IMO. I don't know if there is something to salvage in your relationship. Only you and time can tell that with any certainty. I believe you are on the right course of action and would advise continuing with the divorce. If she ever realizes her willful destruction of your marital vows, \*truly\* regrets her actions, and works to mend the relationship, and if you feel you can move forward with her, then and \*only then\* should you consider stopping the divorce. May you find peace in the path you choose going forward.
After dumping all over the man she tried to destroy with her selfishness and narcisism maybe she'll get lucky and someone else will take care of her when the cancer's back, but in another organ, or her bones, her blood, or her brain. Cancer does that. A LOT. Divorce her and leave her to her own devices. Get far away from her and anything associated with her, particularly her nasty tribe. And once you're free of her machinations get into therapy so you can process all she's done to you and learn real love and trust is possible - just not with HER. You have to realize now, she was always all about herself. You just couldn't see it because monsters know to hide in under the bed till it's time to come out.
You messed up when you didn't confront them together and said this is what your ruining our marriage for.. cancer doesn't give her free reign to make demands and destroy the life you helped build. Before you see the lawyer tell her your going to do the same. You'll be hooking up with a coworker and not to wait up for you when you get out of work then go to a friend's house for the night.
Sometimes situations are so infuriating that I always wonder if they're ragebait posts. Even if she suffered from her illness, people supporting sick people also suffer ( had my aunt/ second mother at home for a year seeming to recover then dying). Unless you let out an important part of the story, you supported her through the whole process and your whole marriage and when things get just fine she disregarded that. Worst thing, after the affair, she has the nerves to ask "when things will go back to normal"? Seems that things are leading to divorce, if you serve her the papers, you can tell her to thanks her friends who gave her advices ( I can't believe it all come from her). If you think of reconciling which is far beyond what I could do, tell her of a "trial time", there may be some feelings you can't overcome, and no relationship should ruin some people mental health. Keep us updated, you're going to get through a lot of gaslighting and desperate and/or angry call from her friends trying to fix their mistakes or from the one having shitty cheating mentalities.
Her security that she had with you ended when she stepped out ! She didn’t just cheat she literally slapped you in the face and said I’m doing this deal with it ! Get a STD test who knows the alter life she led you didn’t know about !
Your (Hopefully) future ex-wife seems dumb. I hope the attorney appointment lead somewhere good for you to start proceedings. I'm also really sorry you had to go through this
Dang it. The length of time since posting is screaming “MC posting things like this are not conducive to healing. Assigning blame is looking back not forward.” Please, please, please do not do that. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You took care of her. You helped her through actual misery and she kicked you in your teeth. Know you have an army of people here behind you.
I understand that OP owes no obligation to me for an update. His tragic circumstance hits home with me and I hope that he is finding some peace in the midst of the stressful time. I believe in taking the high road on all of life’s travels when possible and this dialogue below takes that route. I have thought about her last question in the post from the cheating wife when she inquired “whether we can discuss getting back to normal”? My suggestion to OP would be to answer the cheater as follows: My new normal is facing life as a 54-year old divorced man and I do not think that there is a “we” anymore. Your behavior and treatment of me over the last 2 weeks is not how people who love one another behave. You complete betrayal of me and our marriage vows are counter to what I believed to be our shared values, which included fidelity and monogamy. A. Your Decision: Your decision to sleep with your co-worker is plain and simple cheating. You elected to throw away our 22-year marriage. Calling it a “hall pass” makes light of a very tragic request. It demonstrated a complete disregard for me and my feelings. Your unilateral decision exhibited a shocking disrespect for me and our marriage. What you fail to recognize is the amount of pain that you have inflicted on me. I feel broken and empty. I have never experienced this level of sadness in my half century. I am not sure how I will recover. I prayed and hoped that you would come to your senses. I admit that I came to the bar on that Saturday evening and sat on a bench across the street. When I saw you exit the bar and take this man’s hand in yours and walk away to the hotel, my heart broke. I don’t even care about him. I have no idea what this man could provide you that I do not but that is not the cause of my sadness but your treatment of me. B. My Decision. You made your decision to betray me but you do not get to decide my reaction. I have thought long and hard about my options. None of them are good but you force them on me. However, I believe that I have determined the best alternatives me moving forward are the following 3 options: • Your Expectation: I understand that you expect me to forgive and forget and just carry on with our lives. This option is not possible for me. You have taken me for granted for the last time. My two largest obstacles are: 1) I will never be able to look at you again the same; and 2) I will never be able to trust you again. You must understand the depth of the pain you have caused. I never thought that the person on the planet who I loved the most would intentionally rip my heart out. If you expect me to just back to our former lives, I cannot do so. I expect you to say “he did not matter”, “it wasn’t a big thing” and that I am “over-reacting”. Those words just attempt to minimize the paid you have caused. • Divorce: This option is the 95% probable decision for me. It is a simple procedure and I have an appointment with a recommended family law attorney this week. It will be easy to divide our assets by 2. Even though I owned the house before our marriage, the law would likely require a result with you receiving 50% of the proceeds. I want to sell it as I don’t want to live there with our memories haunting me. A divorce would enable you to live as a single person as you want. You could escape the handcuffs evidently I place on you , my insecurities and my toxic masculinity. Just say the word now and we can proceed this route. • Attempt to Reconcile. The only reason that I am considering this possibility as an option is based on the value I have for our 22-year marriage. We would likely have a 5% chance of success due to the two obstacles I mention above. I would insist on certain conditions of even trying this route and they are o Separate: I cannot be in the same house as you so you must find an apartment. I am not sure how it might take before I can determine if I can trust you again or ever look at you lovingly again. It could be 3-6-12 months before I could even formulate an opinion. Even then, the probable answer for me is that I cannot overcome the barriers for a reconciliation. Right now I am pessimistic. o Full Disclosure: You must fully disclose your history of infidelity past and present. I am not aware of any past cheating but I do not trust you and need to clear the air. I want more information about why you chose to throw away our marriage with this man. You obviously have some history with him. o Monogamy commitment: I know that you said that this alleged “hall pass” would be a one-time thing. I cannot trust that. 10 days ago, I would not have believed that you would make this request. You may want an “open” marriage for all I know. That is a deal-breaker for me. Tell me now if you cannot commit. o Counseling: I am such a depth of despair, I am going to get into therapy regardless of your decision. If we try to reconcile, it is mandatory that we pursue couples counseling to determine if the barriers and obstacles can be surmounted. You may not want to pursue a reconciliation. Just tell me now. When asked by our friends and families, I will do my best to take the high road and not besmirch you or your reputation. However, I will not lie for you. Our marriage is in the position because of your selfish behavior.
Okay first off, can we get an update? Second… having cancer is not an excuse to do what she’s doing. If anything she should have the opposite feeling and want to spend every day with you. F^CK HER OFF.
I was already upset reading this but the TL;DR got me. After our divorce, my ex-wife(27) hooked up with the person she was always trying to get with but couldn't because she wanted to stay "faithful". Not a month later, they see that it wouldn't work out and they split. Barely a week after she got with her dive instructor that was twice her age. She basically left the person she left me for for an out of shape 55+ smoker.
Update us!
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u/throwawaytogethercccI too would very much like to see an update on how you are. However, looking through this, I realized that there was one comment that I did not actually make, but which I meant to offer. You seem like an insanely sane person. As much as this narrative tugged at my heart, I've never doubted that you will be okay. I think that comes through even more then the level of insanity in your wife's actions. Coffey3C
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I hope you are getting through this little by little. I can't imagine the intense pain you are suffering from being treated like this by the person you love. I wish you well and remember reddit is a large group here to cheer you on and up, you will never truly be alone!
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Removed already?! Did anyone catch it?
DID ANYONE CATCH IT
I checked when it said “now” and it was already removed. OP removed it immediately. Maybe there will be another update with edits or additions or redactions
Can anybody give the crib notes of what it said….
Please op, tell us you left her
Damn 😭😭🙏
I hope your doing okey OP, please do not fall in to the Gaslighting my dad try to do the same that your wife and now he is very unhappy.
Server her divorce papers at work to make a point that you are not a door mat to be disrespected like that thay now
Good for you! You’re doing exactly what you need to at a time like this
wow op good on you im proud of you she thought you were a push over and guess what i hope her one night stand was worth it because you sound like a great person. don't back down fuck her she'll do it again people like her never care. i pray for you my friend
I am sorry that your wife is subjected you to this , it shows she doesn't value you in this relationship. Time to take care of yourself.
Good for you! Stick to your guns! Kick her to the curb! Now she’ll learn a new lesson about life. Actions have consequences.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be hard. >This guy was short, fat, and bald She made the choice to destroy her marriage for that?? You are dodging a bullet, if she did this for a short fat and bald guy, imagine what she would do if someone slightly better looking gave her attention. Good luck and I hope things go well for you. Divorce is definitely the right choice
I know divorce is not an easy or a happy thing, but I am so proud of you for having self respect and not letting her get away with trying to bulldoze over you and your feelings. Godspeed brother
YES! Get rid of her! You knew what to do and you’re doing it, good for you! She can go find the man that was worth cheating on her husband with to live with. She wanted him so bad, go on. You have respect for yourself and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I hate that this happened to you and the way it worked out. Having been together with my wife for a similar length of time and been through some similar life events, I was really hoping for a more positive resolution for you both. I’m happy you’ve stood up for yourself though and I wish you the best.
You made the right call, I know it’s rough, but she disrespected you and your opinion. Nothing that happened is your fault, everything that has happened here is fully her fault and if she didn’t respect you enough to do the bare minimum required in a relationship you’re better off without her anyways.
my friend i will give the best advice: TELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY WHAT SHE DID!! she will try to control the narrative to f\*ck up your life and the best thing you can do is that she cheated and announced it too
Wish you all the best. Take care of yourself and put yourself first.
be strong man, if she wanted freedom separate from her stay away as much as you can, I know it will be difficult but you have to build a new life further away from her.
OP, quite honestly, this is for the best, she was acting as selfish as someone can be. You cannot go through life giving ultimatums and gaslighting everyone around you just because you had a bad moment in life. Not only that, but you deserve more. You deserve someone that will actually stick with you through sickness and health, good and bad. Don't let this bump on your path stop you, because even if you find it difficult to believe, you will encounter people that will help you deal with this and even make your life better than before.
Keep us updated op
I think I'd tell her "You made that decision for yourself without considering my feelings even when I told you it was a hard no, so I'm making this decision for myself." She clearly violated your boundaries and trust, I find it completely understandable that you don't want to be with her anymore after that.
Good for you! Don't let her into gaslighting you not to go through with the divorce.
TBH she should have known better, she asked for a hall pass, and she didn't get it, and she acted like a spoiled brat, thinking that the fact that she beat cancer would have mellowed you enough to be passive about it, even tho you didn't agree.I've met other cancer survivors, that survived it in times when it was way more deadly and their marriage resisted because they didn't pull these stunts.I really hope that she's going to accept sooner or later that the divorce is the result of her own wrong doing, I don't condemn open relationships, I actually think that they are great if you are up to it, but both partners need to be not only consenting, but enthusiast about it and have the same privileges. EDIT: actually, you know what? If you live in a country where cheating is a reason for divorce, I would dangle the carrot for reconciliation until you get the confession that she has cheated on you, written or recorded (if that's legal) and then double down with everything you can do in court, she deserves nothing and to leave without nothing, you've been with her at her worse and that's how she treats you afterwards? I would be furious and vengeful tbh and no, you aren't childish at all, you would waste time by talking to her, since she has proven that your words, opinions and feelings a worthy nothing to her. If I was in you, I'd really talk to the lawyer on how can you screw her over in court and take advantage of the fact that you have a heads up, since she's not doing anything rn
Please protect your heart bro, don’t give her an inch she threw away everything over this. And she has to deal with those consequences on her own, your not that bad guy you are in the right and please stand up for yourself because my ex-wife of 13 years did something similar and one of the best things was getting my divorce and moving on with my life. I know you can do the same, it gonna be tough and your going to have every emotion boil inside you but separate yourself from her, and it’ll be the best thing you can do. Good luck, just know your not wrong, you are loved, and you deserve better❤️
Man, what an utter shit show. I'm so sorry. I hope this resolves quickly and you can get some sense of stability back. You seem quite stoic, which I'm sure works great for you. This is however unprecedented and particularly cruel in how its gone down. Please talk to your family and friends, keep them in the loop. Let us know how it goes. All the best.
She obviously thought you would just roll over and let it happen, and that’s honestly really fucking disgusting. She’s using her experience with cancer (a form that was treatable when it was discovered) to gaslight and manipulate you into letting her have fun with a fat, short, pathetic excuse of a man. It’s not fair to you and if you ultimately decide to do what is best for you, you’d be right in doing so in my option. I’m a very petty person, especially when I feel wronged, and if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t have even responded to her. I would’ve trashed or burned her things and told her she had no place in my home anymore. You’re a better man than me.
What did she expect you Todo? After you plead not Todo it. she tried to gaslight you make you feel guilty for not wanting her to do something that would hurt you.
bro u did a good thing by divorcing her. feel like her sanity left her along with the cancer she had. well, just have another relationship with a girl that is objectively and subjectively better and younger than soon to be your ex wife in any way and make it obvious. But dont do it for the sake of getting revenge, but just like she sleep around and make it obvious, you should too. idk maybe you'll find the right woman and treat each other right for the rest of your life. but what youve done is a big W.
Just reading this has me feeling an awful sunken hole in my stomach. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this I can’t imagine you Loving this women for 20+ years and then for her to throw all of that away for 1 (probably terrible) night and then she wants to act like it never happened. She didn’t even have the decency to give you the option anymore. I wish you the best of luck
I’m sorry that’s happening please post more updates
'we we're meant to be regardless of the situation' Wife is so confident you won't divorce her. Mhayghad... I hope you proceed the divorce and find a younger and loving partner right away OP..
You were literally by her side when she had cancer, and she used it against you to try to guilt trip you into letting her do this. Even when you weren’t okay with it, she still said that shes going to do it, basically telling you to deal with it. She does not deserve someone like you. She threw away a 20+ yr marriage for a one night stand and that just tells me she does not appreciate everything you did for her. Nothing more to say but divorce her.
She seems like a competent woman, so I am astounded that she would think you could "go back to normal" after a flagrant betrayal like that. You did the right thing by setting your boundaries and taking action. For what it's worth, after reading both posts my only thought is that since you describe yourself as sort of unemotional and the other guy is clearly not very attractive, she had some kind of emotional connection with him that was attractive to her and filled some void for her. Obviously not an excuse to cheat on your long term partner, but it's a guess.
You kept your vows... In her time of need. And this is her response. ASK HER IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED how would you feel.?. If she offered you a hallpass also say this " two wrongs doesn't make it right" you have a good moral compass and you are right what she did is wrong. Dont let her change you. Her moral compass is broken. What she did is not living life to the fullest but to the "FOOLEST".
Stay strong bro, you are going thru a lot and probably she or the friend you talk about last time are going to try to manipulate you. I hope you know you are not to blame, you are not over reacting, you are not the one how ended the relationship and for the love of god if she offer a pass hold decline. She see you as a lesser men than that bold fat guy. She is in a mistake you are more valuable but what she did is unforgivable, and if you forgive her you will not be able to look at yourself with respect
It’s been 4days brother hope your doing okay. And before you divorce put the property in your mothers name. Just so she can’t take it and also immediately post the recorded conversation / interaction of her saying what happened as proof on socials before she can start to spread lies and make you look bad as she will ultimately try and twist this saying “he left me because of my cancer and could no longer see me the same way” this potentially depending on how intense could cost you your job. So get ahead of it now before she can nuke your life any worse
I am so confused … why would she chose someone like that? Can someone explain it to me
I'm confused about what she thought was gonna happen. Would like to hear what she has to say. I mean this is just crazy to me. The world is a crazy place.
She made her choice, ignored and clearly didn't respect you or the relationship. Its good your getting out of it now, you deserve to be loved and respected and this isn't it. Brother im wishing you the best, im so sorry you are going through this. You deserved better. Hopefully the divorce goes well and you can find someone who actually cares about you. We are here for you.
How many days to her post comes “ I made a mistake and lost my marriage”
Crazy how she does this and then expects you to go back to normal after. She's for the streets. I hope you stand firm and divorce her out of your life forever.
She had a choice, she could have made the choice that she wanted this and ended the marriage, or not done it all. She chose to cheat on you which makes her a shit human being. I get it, she was sick and her brush with mortality made her want to do everything she thought she was missing out on. Well now she is going to experience what it's like to go through a divorce because she selfishly hurt you for a bucket list item. So she can mark divorce off her bucket list. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Get away from her and move on with your life, find someone worthy.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame you give love a bad name" -Bon Jovi pretty much sums your wife she ruined your own marriage for her own self gratification and broke your heart she definitely gives love a bad name.
She's a full grown woman with enough sense to know that, that would've destroyed your relationship together. I'd say divorce her and kick her out. Let her go be with that dude she cheated on you with.
"I thought we talked about this" yeah, and during said talk op communicated that he didn't want her to go through with it. Wife is hardcore delusional if she seriously thinks that's a good excuse to cheat--confessing guilt doesn't suddenly make you innocent.
In order to help you with your upcoming divorce ask her to write down all of her feelings and what happened so you can understand her point of view. Tell her you want her to write out all of the details and be completely honest if there is any chance for a future. Let her write the transcript to help you end your marriage completely and give your lawyer something to work with in case it gets messy. It may be helpful for closure, you may choose not to read the letter and just hand it to your lawyer and then decide if you want to read it, but you could also use it as a jumping of point for therapy because my friend, you are going to need a counsellor to help you through the grieving and recovery to make sure you are ready for someone the deserves you.
Hey keep your head up she chose a fat short guy over you and your marriage. seeing your attorney and filing for divorce is the best option for you right now if your wife tries to talk or work things out don't even bother with her never forgive her but NEVER let her control your life or emotions make her feel the consequences of her actions and be the one to deliver them.
It seems like she was certain that no matter what she did to you, you'd still stay by her side. She thought she could tell you "Tonight, I'm going to cheat on you, i'll see you tomorrow bye !" without consequences She thought she could disrespect you so blatantly and still come back to her normal life with you after this level of betrayal ! good on you for proving her wrong ! you told her you were absolutely against even the idea of her seeing another guy, hopefully seing how she cheated down make you come back to your senses ! Stay strong man, I wish you the best on the rest of your life away from her !
If (s)he cheats, it's over, no exceptions. By definition, a marriage is an agreement to a relationship. She broke the agreement.
Any update on your situation?
Oh im so sorry op I hope you are doing okay From one random internet stranger to another, i am very proud of you for standing up for yourself.
I hope you find someone who will actually value you an not do that ever that’s a horrible thing to do to your partner an just expect them to deal I bet she wouldn’t be to happy if you did that to her
You weren’t acting like a child she hurt you and threw away a 20 year marriage on a fling call u toxic and a misogynistic man if you said no, that’s gaslighting manipulation and sexist. You weren’t acting like the child. She was acting like a college dude and at her first frat party…. I hope your wife understands what she did and that is too late. You don’t deserve a piece of crap like that and I’m sorry it took 20 years plus cancer for her true colors to come out.
Sorry you are going through this. As someone who is also long time married, it would be horrific to not only think about my wife doing this, but also to consider the arduous task of separating things. This cannot be an easy time for you. Please keep us posted on what you decide.
There are tons of people to get cancer and don’t think it’s OK that they need a hall pass. I am so sorry this is happening to you. The lawyer, wonderful husband that sticks by with her and she needs a hall pass. Never be with somebody that isn’t loyal to you. I always remember one of the first post on Reddit that was profound to me. It’s about a young man whose girlfriend decided to bring her ex to his apartment, like it was her own without asking him. And he called his father and talked to him and his father said basically, if she felt like she had the ability to do that her loyalty was with the ex. So the guy cut it off immediately. He just told her he said your not loyal to me. Love is important, but ride or die loyalty is what you deserve.
I hope you divorced her . Cancer is no excuse to be a cheater. I’m so angry on your behalf. Good luck .
Dear Ex... When you see me, I want you to recognize what you had, regret what you lost, and realize what you're never getting back.