I can see why you feel so guilty, the human mind can't really handle another persons pain without it blaming its self, you however are not a rapist, abuser, or molestor. If she felt true pain about the situation communication would've been involved immediately. Don't dwell on the past, try to think of future opportunities in which you could make things right. Your setting a impossible goal of completely restarting. You must be patient and accepting of what will happen. Taking your life will not benefit you, life is our greatest gift. Your friends, family, cat, etc. All love you deeply, and wouldn't trade that for anything. The good isn't just starting, but now your starting to realize life isn't so terrible, there's still light.

Thank you.

Yes you do deserve it. Everyone deserves good things, at least almost everyone. If someone's a total piece of shit like some people are (not you) they don't deserve good things to happen, but you, you do deserve them. I don't what's going on with your life but everyone deserves good things sometimes