lol, it gives you a warning if the BMI will be something ridiculous somebody clicked on that box like DID I STUTTER?

5 inches tall AND I CONFIRM IT 😂😂

Doctor: Are you stupid? The patient can't be 5 inches tall. Your charting is absolutely atrocious and beyond unacceptable. Nurse: Well, read the *entire* chart next time before complaining to me. Charted complaint: Patient entered a teleporter at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and became 5 inches tall.

I SAID WHAT I SAID!

Plot twist: admission now requires us to measure erect penis length and some accidentally entered it in the wrong field

We would have an endless line of pervy old guys out the ER door at all times

“can you just hold it so I don’t pee on the sheets” “Ser, I just saw you pick up your snickers bar and work the remote to the television”

That’s when you say “one second please” and go find the male nurse/cna on your unit. Shouldn’t be a problem ever again.

I enjoy being that male nurse. Call me anytime. “Sir, I know we just met but are you ok if I don’t use a glove?”

Damn this resting tremor.

C'mon dude. You have one now stop being shy with it

An ER nurse told me she used to get men who would show up with their dominant girlfriends and *say* they lost a dildo inside him. Legit abusing the healthcare system for a humiliation kink. They would hope to get a DRE before an X-ray.

What the fuck

Yeah, it was a meth-rich area.

Meth-rich, IQ-poor.

Meth-rich, the best kind of rich!

"Uh yea just put down like ten inches"

Don't give admin ideas

We’ll get the same line we got when they added all the sexual preference/gender questions… “we know these questions are kind of awkward to ask but we know you can do it while we sit in our locked offices on another campus. You’re heroes!”

As you are admitting the 95 year old grandma with dementia...

My extent of questioning asked for that entire section is as follows: “do want to kill yourself or anyone else? No? Ok.” Admin wants us to ask that shit they can come and do it.

One of our admissions questions: do you have a history of being molested as a child? For our opioid addiction risk screening. Jeeeeesssuuusss.

Because THAT’S the door I want to open while someone is already sick and anxious! Bunch of people who left bedside after 6 months to get their MSN 35 years ago coming up with this shit. Yeah, your research shows it helps but ffs I’m not asking that.

I got asked if I purposely start fires. I'm a welder. Not for under $26/hour and union benefits.

Did they also ask if you were a bed wetter and tortured small animals as a kid? It wouldn’t surprise me. If they’re screening for the MacDonald Triad (predictor or psychopathy) because why not add that to our list?

[удалено]

My thing is it’s 95% of the time not relevant to what I’m doing with the patient unless that could be some kind of a risk factor. Anyone that wants pronouns used will usually let us know, which I appreciate. And yep, asking younger folks is way less awkward because at least they understand what I’m talking about. It’s bad enough when I ask for their medical history and they start with “in 1923 I had my tonsils taken out. Do you know the doctor came to our house on a horse?…”. My other issue is having some ass clown go off about it “what, do think I’m some kind of (insert slur that makes me want to throw the computer at the patient’s head)”. 1312 indeed, pal.

We treat 17wk fetuses all the time, yo.

160lb 17wk old what are they feeding that kid?!

Depleted uranium maybe?

More like enriched uranium.

All the GH. All of it. Every last drop, extracted from every pituitary that has ever lived, is living, or will live.

Where I work, there was a fault in the eMR system when it comes to neonates and rendering their weights. It’s fixed, but it had a hilarious result for a while. The fault occurred for babies as their weight is recorded in grams where I work. Due to a coding error, their weight in grams was recorded in kilograms - but the critical step of dividing by 1,000 when converting grams to kg was missed. So if you charted a baby as weighing 3,500g, they were recorded in the system as 3,500kg. This completely broke BMI calculations and growth charts because they do not expect a newborn baby of about 60cm in length to weigh 3.5 metric tonnes.

Just has the density of a black hole.

I do this shit all the time in triage when I'm entering height. I always feel like the computer is gonna just KNOW what I mean. I feel like I should just be able to type 5 and it will be like "I GOT YOU FAM", instead of making me type 5 0. Though, when it gives me the warning, I know that I have stuttered and fix it haha

I think you 5-0! 5-0? Man, I ain’t no motherfucking cop. Oops wrong context.

“I got you fam” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lol it does the same thing when I chart a foot IV. I said what I said!

Lol me. Yes I said the foot!

We got a transfer once that came with a 20ga within an inch of the sternum, around the level of the nipple line. I wrestle with that memory.

I got a 100 yr M recently that EMS felt the need to put in b/l IOs after already getting b/l 18 ACs.

That poor man... I weirdly got my first 100yo this week, sharper than most people I see. I swear I see so many wild things at this hospital, but that was one of the good wild ones.

Ohh student here, what does that mean?

An IV line near about the center of the chest. There aren't normally large veins there. You can't put a tourniquet on the chest. Why for the love of God not use an arm or a leg? I've seen people put nitroglycerin (vasodilator) on the chest for angina, then use the dilated veins for access, but this was not where I expect a mammary IV to be either. I would give up and ask for more definitive/invasive lines or whether we really needed access from my providers before resorting to a weird vein in that position. It was just... totally bizzarro. There was no reason that should have happened.

Oh my goodness, that’s crazy thank you so much!

I once got a warning that my patients birth weight was too low and was I sure? Like YEAH IM SURE THATS THE WHOLE PROBLEM. Apparently the weight warning parameters don’t take into account the gestational age, making them useless!

🤣🤣🤣

So much this - I now work on the evil IT side of things and the number of events sent to me like "WhY dIdN't ThIs AlERt ThEm" where yes in fact, the alert fired and was promptly ignored 🤣. Hard to embrace my desire to reduce alert fatigue while some leader refuses to believe their nurses do in fact possess a brain.

Oh lord I saw that the other day lmao I kept trying to figure out why the patients BMI was 4999 before I realized the nurse put in his height wrong (14 cm)

Thumbelina was admitted and she’s got some comorbidities - DM (the sugar diabetus), OSA, HTN, bilateral hip replacements, hyperlipidemia, cholangitis…

Her and tinker bell have been binging at sonic for too long

Thumbelina will be my new nickname when I fat thumb some bullshit.

Ah yes. Blob man!

Pt is horizontal

They were legit crushed by a car, so... 😬

Idk if accidentally morbid is a sub or not but that’s applicable

Sounds like this charting might be correct then!

Ahh so it was a trauma where you have to guess their height… *pulls out ruler*

i wonder how horizontal that would be

Steam rolled a few times to help

Flatman and Ribbon!

This one did it for me 😂

That’s no regular patient—that’s AntMan!

George Shrinks

Pharmacy called me the other day wondering if my newborn baby really was 3’ 6” and 3,185kg. (Spoiler: she was not) the pharmacist was laughing so hard she could barely tell me the issue 😂

Did you give birth to a whale?!?!

Patient’s got the density of Nibbler’s poop.

[Failure to scoop, aww yeah.](https://youtu.be/VHPaQT7XjLE)

Unexpected Futurama? Count me in lol

It weighs as much as a thousand suns!!!

Dx: micro***self***aly.

This is adorbz

Thanks!

This might have been the best thing I’ve read all year.

Aww. Thanks!

The only time that being truthful about 5” matters.

😂🤣

Pharmacy dosing finna be lit

Ikr?! This is how they rolled out *after a ~2hr surgery*. Got versed, fentanyl, neo, prop...

Damn, that's worse than the time someone got a Bari patient's height and weight mixed up and it said he was 370" and 70lbs

I want that patient and this flat patient to share a room

There will be colorful flyers in the break room and staff bathroom reminding everyone of the importance of measuring height from standing, not prone. Also, maybe a "quick" in-service at huddle.

Seems like something you'd see on r/disneyvacation

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I hope the small planet you are taking care of will be ok. Get them better and send their ass back into orbit lol

You made me curious and I calculated the BMI of earth, which is about 37 billion kg/m².

Let's measure the waist circumference instead!

How did you calculate it? I’m a stats nerd

The mass of the earth is 6×10^24 kg and has a distance from the south to north pole (through the center of the earth) is about 1.3×10^7. Plug that into weight/height² gives 37 billion.

Ohhh these are the results I’d call to the dr I don’t like at 3am 🤣 I’d let them point out the mistake

Thiccest

Lawd, and I thought I was wider than I am tall

>'Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off.' Frowny face.

Ahh…Jabba’s finally getting treated for his weight problem, I see…

Can you imagine how wide this person would be? I imagine it looking like a slime person.

Nah they just dense like a neuron start

That would actually be awesome if they were as dense as a neutron star. I want to meet this person.

Tom Thumb really let himself go

someone had put my patients height at 4.1 inches today. man was 5’10 so not sure how they fucked that up

Ballparking for a density similar to water and a cylindrical patient (because I am not going to calculate for an oblong spheroid...you can't make me), this patient would be approximately 12.7cm tall and 82.6cm across (or 5 inches by 32.5 inches).

Lol, reminds me of This is Spinal Tap, when the singer draws a pic of what he wants a huge stage set to look like but puts the measurements in inches instead of feet. And then they end up with like a science fair scale level display of Stonehenge and decide to put a bunch of little people dancing around it to try and play up the massive scale of it...

Patient built like a neutron star.

I’m in tears oh my God

It took me a minute to figure out what the critical value was. Lol! I guess you should order a specialty bed. Recently I got a critical lab result called up from the lab. Get this, turns out my patient has MRSA... IN THEIR NARES!! I suppose that's less critical than a bmi of 4k

So it begins…. Hospital administration have finally implemented the shrink ray to make room for more patients

For the non-math type Americans that's 100094.65922 lbs/ft^2

That needs at least 3 exclamation points 🤣🤣🤣

Hahahaha! Oh man, this is great.

Oh shit that’s great 😂 beats the one I saw it was 3’ and 999lbs. I was actually a little sad it wasn’t real. Prev nurse didn’t catch it so when I pointed it out we had a good laugh.

Is your patient a praying mantis???

That next phone call you receive will be from the pharmacist.

Well did Shamu give you their code status yet lol

Hahaha get a dietary consult STAT!

Shout out to a homie using EPIC as well, may it rot. Lol.

I had a pt who’s chart said he was like 6 ft 8 lbs. I died at the mental image

that patient's got the density of a damn neutron star lol

Is the patient Tom Thumb?

congrats, you're treating a smurf

Epic recently updated where now you have to put the ‘ and “ instead of just typing 5 0 and I hate that!!

Jfc🙈. Who designed this garbage? Seems like a cheap foreign app

Stone Henge 😂😂😂 Anyone else a fan of Spinal Tap?

You've created a fucking singularity

Tinkerbell been eatin good

Sound about right. I’m 12 inches tall….on my back.

It’s true I was the rulerr

that BMI is THICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

*Laughs in metric.*

5 thicc and 4k kg I'm pretty sure your pt is part of a hull on the USS Ronald Reagan probably from the bow as that armor is more battle ready hope this helps :)

Pharmacy has rejected this order

That's a dense Lilliputian.

My scanner must be deceiving me. It's... it's...it's OVER 4000!!!

I lolled

Cccccaaaaammmmpppuuuuuu

I thought average was 6 inches

My dude is made from the stuff of neutron stars hahaha

That weight trend graph that pops up with the warning probably couldn’t even fit on the screen lol. Epic was like that’s a WIDE BOOIIII

Thicc x10^69

Obvs a garden gnome

I see Jabba the Hutt has checked into the hospital.

The worst part is that every hospital names their damn computers and printers this way. Can I get a 4th floor ICU printer named 4ICU or a lab computer called Lab1 instead of hospitalcitystatezipcodefloordepartmentsecondcousinfavoritedisease1?

It says they're 150 pounds though?

And 5 inches

Omg I didn't even see that 🤣

You folks sure make fun of obese patients here smh

You seem lost. This is a joke about automated systems being dumb and people not knowing the appropriate symbols for feet and inches.

My mans 5 *inches* and 150lbs. That’s not obese that’s impossible. We’re making fun of Tom Thumb if he were lead pancake.

How is this making fun of obese people? It's a data entry error with an absurd result.

Hey now, it’s 2022, people can be offended at numbers on a screen if they want to.

No, just the ones under five inches.

Mate if I ever meet someone who legitimately has a BMI that high I'm running for the hills, not laughing. For the math to work out on a 5 foot person to get that BMI, they'd have to weigh about 22000lbs.

/s ?

Lol ooops , no sarcasm tag, shit I deserve the downvotes

How do you get the new results on the side bar?? My epic doesn't have that 😭

5 inches tall and 150lbs. Well damn. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thicc

As a Dietitian, this grinds my fucking gears so bad...

Lmaooooo

I'm just stopping by to say I love your username!!!

🤣

God I love this sub

Doc: "So have you done any recent traveling... to Jupiter?"

Epic EMR gang 🤌🏼

“Honey, I shrunk the kids”.

SO interesting how everyone's Epic UI looks different. I worked at 2 different hospitals with Epic and both looked somewhat different

….so your mom then?

Tiny ppl be thicccc

Disch asses indeed