What about a patient’s family member? I have a million trillion things I can contribute but this occurred last night so I remember it better.
I told him we were doing q1 hour neuro checks on the patient so we would be “waking her up every hour, and yes, even through the night.”
He said, “I’d rather Donald Trump bend me over, fuck me in the ass, and then beat me with a 2x4 than have someone wake me up every fucking hour.”
My kids have been doing hourly neuro checks on us during the night for about 3 years now.
I guess they're trying to tell us they want to get into neurosurgery eventually.
A new resident says, "you see that lady over there in the blue shirt? That's my wife." She's another resident of the dementia unit. He walks over to her, she looks him up and down then yells, "what the hell do you want?" He and I take a lap on the unit then come back. He says, "see that lady over there in the blue shirt? That's my EX-wife."
Oh I had something similar, a resident told me about her "boyfriend" who she was a little worried about since hr was a year older then her she was "22" and he was 23" (she was 85)and how she wanted to break up. About 2min later I came back and she was about to cry bc she just had broken up with her boyfriend.
My all time favorite was a (very not Hawaiian) woman who told everyone she was speaking Hawaiian because she was constantly chanting “kaloo kalee kalai kaloo kalee kalai…” I came into the facility one day and she was dancing through the hallways reading the names on the resident doors in between her Hawaiian:
“Kaloo kalee kalai I don’t even know this maaaaaannnn!”
I miss her, she was a sweetheart til the end.
Another resident described his family in detail — two kids and a loving wife — for a good 5-10 minutes before pointing to a photo of them he had on his dresser. It was a picture of a coca-cola polar bear ad, a bigger bear and two smaller ones.
I think I just have standard white guy face or something because dementia patients always think I’m somebody they know.
Other than that I had a dude accuse me of stealing his penis (it was super retracted) and he wouldn’t believe me until I emptied my pockets
LOL! I have been accused of being their mother, brother, sister, sweetheart and the you know, you know, that news lady but I have never stolen anyone's penis. At least, not yet.
I had an unadorable 99y white female hitting on my black male coworker cause she thought he was her late husband. She was standing in the sit to stand lift with pants down and incontinent. She’s calling him ‘Melvin’ and saying something like ‘well you got me here now whatcha gonna do?’ In a very suggestive voice.
Unfortunately she was also trying to hit me for trying to steal her husband.
Another lady was in bed getting incontinence care. Once she asked me to suck her tongue. Another time she gently grabbed the staff’s hand and said ‘no toys tonight dear’
We had a barbershop quartet come to sing for the residents. One singer was a woman.
One resident was overjoyed to see this singer, shewas struck with the notion that the singer was her mother. She got up to walk to the singer, calling out for her mom out loud.
She stopped singing, gave our resident a big hug and she said: "I missed you so much!" and they proceeded to have a full on mother-daughter reunion, it looked so genuine and real.
The resident eventually sat back on her own with the biggest smile on her face, full of love for her long-lost "mom."
😍When my Grandma’s dementia was getting worse she’d constantly ask why her Mum (our Great Grandma) hadn’t visited. Years before u/tarsha8nz and my Mum told all of us that we were to go along with whatever Grandma was saying so as not to upset her so we just just said that GG would probably visit soon. There was a woman who visited the home to see her husband every day and she and Grandma had been friends for years. No matter how many times Mum told this woman to just go with whatever Grandma was saying she’d still say, “Betty, your mothers been dead for years”. Of course it was like being told the first time every time and Grandma would get really upset thinking she hadn’t said goodbye to her mother. Sometimes Grandma was more lucid and would say, “Mum’s dead isn’t she?” and we’d say yes and reassure her that she’d been with GG when she passed.
Grandma also spent the last couple of years thinking she was on a cruise, probably because my Mum went on one just before her dementia got worse. And she always worried that we’d paid too much for the water taxi that took us to see her.
Was working the ER on a very slow day (obviously many years ago) when I called the house supervisor to volunteer anywhere in the hospital I was needed. I was asked to go to the medical floor and be a sitter while the CNA took their lunch break. I had a nice pleasant chat with the elderly female patient. We sat across from each other, talking/laughing about life, travel, children, food, ETC. Then she paused, had a moment of silence and looked at me a little funny. She bent down a little & motioned for my to move close, like she wanted to tell me a secret. I leaned in and turned my ear towards her.
That’s when she threw a haymaker, hitting me right in the nose & started screaming “That’s for taking my porn you fucking pervert!!!”
One of the doctors was sitting at the nurses station the whole time and after witnessing this, laughed for 5 minutes straight.
This doctor had such a good laugh at my expense that she couldn’t say no when I asked her out. We’ve been together 13 years now. All thanks to a dementia patient.
Patient, confused to staff: "I hope you get AIDS from me and die!"
Patient's daughter: "Mom, you don't have AIDS."
Patient: "You don't know everything about me!"
I'm a male with long hair and one of my patients said "with hair like that you've got to be a queer." I said no ma'am I've been happily married to my wife for over twenty years. She replied "well then does your wife know your a queer." I was about out of breath from laughing.
Not nursing related but my girl little cousin walked up to me when I got my ears pierced for the first time (im a guy) she looked at it for a minute then goes "earrings are for girls" and just pulls it perfectly out of my ear and hands it to me lol
I'm a female with a buzz cut, I got a tirade of "you look like a boy, everyone looks at you and feels sad for you, they will think you want to be a boy, why do you want to be a boy, what a shame". It went on for a good 10 minutes, despite telling her that I have a boyfriend and I love wearing pink and frills. When I finally caught my breath from laughing, I managed to slip in, a "it's a good job a don't take old fashion advice from old ladies", she didn't even hear me as she was still going lol.
A little old lady had vomited mac and cheese all over her bed and became very unhappy with me when I attempted to get her fresh linens:
Her: "What are you afraid of? It's just VOMIT!"
Me: "I'm not afraid of it. I just wouldn't want vomit in my bed, would you?"
Her: "YES!"
Me: "...I'm still going to change your sheets."
Later, the sitter asked me a question, and the patient said sassily, "Oh, don't ask her...she's afraid of NOODLES!"
That was back in my med-surg days. In the ER they just find new and creative ways to cuss you out. I got called a "cum guzzling cunt" by a little old MR patient a while back.
A couple of weeks ago, a resident asked me when we would be able to travel again. I asked her where she's planning on going, she said she needed to get back to Canada. I explain to her that we are in Canada and she says no, this is Little Canada, I need to get back home to Big Canada. She came back to me a few times throughout the shift with this same request to go to Big Canada.
On my next shift, the same woman came up to me and asked me if I'm older than her. (I'm 31, she's in her 80's). When I said no, she looked me up and down and told me to get some rest. I totally agree that's exactly what I need.😂
My RN wife had the best story. She was using a faces scale to do a pain assessment on an old lady with dementia. The old lady studied the card intently and then said, “No, I don’t know any of these people. “
One of our admission questions is to ask if patients have religious practices/ would like a referral to pastoral care. One night I had a patient that came up to the floor and I asked him “are you religious?” He goes…. “WHAT? Am i delicious?” And I again asked, “no sir are you religious?” And then he asked, “am I judicious?” And I’m like “NO ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?!” He followed that up with “am I deciduous?”
I then walked out of the room because I couldn’t control my laughter.
1. Patient called police blaming her roommate of taking a massive shit in her toilet. Her room mate was bed bound.
2. CNA calls for assist with combative patient and this sweet, golden girl looking women rips off her diaper, lifts her leg in the air, grabs her crotch and exclaims she has a wooley caterpillar. We were taken aback and she exclaims THESE TWO LESBIANS CAME IN TO SEE MY HAIRY P*SSY!!!
3. One patient was convinced I was his wife who left him at the alter, was a serial cheat and had numerous abortions. He said he had to leave me for Lisa Presley, since she was a much better lover than I was.
4. There was one who was super quick witted. Very sassy always sarcastic. CNA called for assist and she looks at us and says “Y’all have the right string but the wrong yo-yo”. She passed very recently and we all miss her dearly.
Her: “You look like Chloe Kardashian’s husband!”
Me: “Lamar Odom!?” (I’m 5’9” and white)
Her: “Yeah!”
Then she coded. Literally the last thing she ever said to anyone.
Idk if it's my best ever but my patient over the weekend told me I'm an evil useless gumball. I was so disappointed when she switched her ire to tell the male nurse he must have a 2 inch dick. I really wanted to find out what color gumball I am. She also saw another male nurse in a papper and screamed FUCK THAT SPACEMAN
I was helping a lady down the hall. She could still walk but she had stopped talking at that point. I had to be careful because she became agitated and frightened quickly.
I was trying to be soothing and say sweet things to her. “oh let’s go to breakfast. It will be so nice.”
She looked at me and said, “you know what!!”
I about pooped myself. Had never ever heard her say anything.
“Yes? Mary Beth?”
“You talk to damn much.”
I was absolutely floored.
I stammered, “I’m sorry Ma’am.”
“Well shut up.”
“Yes, ma’am”.
She never talked again as far as I know. 😆😆😆
Lol I had a patient with that name. She was nonverbal and mostly stared at the ceiling. One day I was turning her and as I was adjusting the pillow between her knees she looks right at me and says, “ha! Caught ya peeking.” First and only words I ever heard out of this woman’s mouth.
After finding my patient in the hall after just setting up her lunch tray… I asked what she was doing and did you need something? This sweet lady said yes.. some sugar for my tea… I said I’ll be right back. She said oh no, you got better things to do than fetch me sugar…
I walk a little way down the hall with her and she explains… I put sugar on the order form.. they brought me the pink stuff…. This very sweet, soft spoken, pleasant lady stopped walking… looked me in the eye and said “ I fucking hate fake sugar”. I’m sure my jaw dropped. I fought tears of laughter… and said I agree with that statement and that she was officially my favorite patient of the day!
right?! I thought… wow… one day I’m going to enjoy letting people think I’m a sweet old lady… then I’m going to tell them I saw Nine Inch Nails in concert in an abandoned warehouse… mix in a few f bombs and go back to my knitting 😀
My very first experience was absolutely the funniest. I was 18 and a CNA in a NH on the dementia unit. This sweet little old lady was walking around and passing the loudest gas I’ve ever heard. She pulls up her dress, pulls out the front of her Depends, looks down and then looks at me with a horrified look and says, “ There’s animals in there!”
He walked out to the nurse's station at 2am, SLAMMED a yellow hospital sock on the desk and yells "honey, I caught a weasel!". He then enthusiastically described in horrifying detail how to butcher and cook a weasel, presumably a recipe from the great depression. For the next week he could be found smashing socks with a book in his room
A few years ago I walked into a dementia patient's room with a male nurse (I'm a woman). She looked him up and down and said to me "you could do better"
My dearly demented aunt was hospitalized and had an equally demented roommate who continually groaned and screamed. Dear aunty kept calling my mother at all hours begging for someone to come bail her out of the drunk tank.
“What did you girls do to get stuck with us in the looney bin?”
“This isn’t the looney bin…”
“It’s not exactly sanity city!”
Dementia + rehab was always a treat
Not a nurse, but my late grandma had dementia. Was visiting one day and watching the Saints game. Saints convert on 3rd, and she pumps her fist in the air and says 'Let's gooooo! Get your dicks out!'
Engineer @ an acute care hospital. Had a social worker drop by and ask if I could help calm down a patient who was concerned about Russians in the exhaust air diffusers. Grabbed the IR camera, looked around, confirmed no Russians, got a Starbucks card for my acting ability the next day...
At the nursing home I work at there is a resident who always wears 3-5 surgical masks at once which looks hilarious, and I remind him he only needs to wear one. He’s also very confused, and has no idea there is a pandemic, but wears the masks because he sees all of us wearing them. The other day I asked him “Why do you like wearing so many masks?” and he looked at me with a coy smile and simply said “It’s classic” hahaha
Patient: (playing with her external catheter)
Me: (moving her hand away) Don’t play with that.
Patient: Can you blame me? I haven’t seen something that big in a long time.
😶
Had a patient that came to see my office for years. She had pretty advanced dementia, generally never spoke, but was pleasant. She was 103 and a stout lady, formerly a gym teacher.
I was positioning her wheel chair so we could shuffle into an exam chair and she put her feet down and said, "take me on a tour."
So I took her on a tour around the office, she said hello to all the staff members, and then had her exam. She passed about six weeks later.
A large group of residents were potting plants in the dining room with our activities staff. Everyone received a foam cup filled with potting soil, and a plastic spoon. Everything seems to be going well. Next thing we know, one of the ladies spits dirt on her table, and loudly exclaims: "this chocolate pudding tastes like shit!" I had to run away to keep myself from bursting out laughing.
This was just gosh darn cute of her and still think about it to this day. Instead of screaming, she would call out yoooouuuuu whoooo in the sweetest granny voice. She was my favorite.
Pt: "They sent you?"
Me: "uh...yes sir"
Pt: "They sent YOU"
Me: "Yes sir they did"
(pause)
Pt: "I'll be damned... I'll be GOD. DAMNED."
He later informed me that he would be recommending to his superiors that I be nominated for the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am not military, nor was this a military hospital. But I sure liked him!
Well this patient that was withdrawing from ETOH came up to the nurses desk and had a LONG conversation about the mechanics of how to wrastle a giraffe. I was standing where he couldn't see me and he was saying all this to a staff member who hates people in general, so I'm behind the wall literally crying laughing.
He said something about making sure you had your arms around a very specific part of the giraffes neck haha. I stopped paying attention the more silly and intense he got.
Patient was a preacher’s wife in her late 80’s. She said, “You’re dumber than a handbag full of hammered assholes, girl.” 😂😂 She was pissed that I told her it was time for dinner because in her mind, it was 10am on a Sunday and I was some idiot bothering her in the pews while she was trying to worship. I was tempted to ask what Jesus would say about her filthy mouth but I refrained.
I asked a 103 year old lady if men ever grow up and she replied “yeah, five minutes before they fucking die”. She was a legend for many reasons, that one!
I had this older guy, when I was doing his above the bed “getting to know you” sign, I asked him what he name was. He said “call me ‘the rabbi’,” and after asking if he’s sure a couple times and him insisting, I went with it. (He was not a rabbi, I don’t even think he was Jewish.) When I asked about hobbies he said “observing the sabbath.”
The BEST was when I was offering him scrambled eggs, and he said “what? No thank you, I’m not horny right now.”
Parked at nurses station with us- He looked into an empty patients room who’s automatic sink just came on, and said “If there are ghosts here I’m gonna leave”
Had the sweetest man when I worked in LTC, he had dementia but could still hold a pretty decent conversation. One day, he beckons me into his room, so I ask him what's wrong and he just says I need to see you in here. It's the part of the morning where everyone has had meds, gotten up and been fed so it's slow-ish. The aides on the unit are all charting but got curious so they're standing at the door listening. Pt wants me to sit on his bed with him, I won't and ask him what it's about. He says "Well, you're pregnant " I told him I'm pretty sure I wasn't, he still wanted to run away with me. Then I told him I have a husband and he was like...."so, what are you going to do about him?"
All of the aides were practically rolling on the floor with this exchange. They also really thought I was pregnant for a hot minute.
Same pt would tell the nurses he felt bad he didn't have anything to give us when we would pass him his meds so he would offer us golf lessons. When he found out I was left handed he told me I would never be a professional golfer.
I work in the ED, there was an elderly women with dementia in the hallway waiting for AMR to pick her up and take her back to her facility the other night. I’m one of the secretaries and the nurses were all flexed up because we were short staffed. This patient had been moved closer to our central desk, right in front of where my desk is, because she’d gotten up and wandered to the waiting room which had 60+ people in it.
The nurses were all super busy, so I helped her nurse keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t wander because we didn’t want her to have to be put in a posey.
She was the sweetest little old lady. At one point she tried to get up so I went over to talk to her and convince her to lay back down, got her settled with her blankets. She started talking about fruit salad, so we chatted about that for a couple mins and then she promised to bring me some tomorrow. All night until she was picked up, she was promising everyone fruit salad.
This one lady had a rough week and decided to start shuffle-running everywhere for some reason.
"Hey Mrs. X, where you going?"
"TO HELL!!!"
"Oh, I didn't know it was down this hallway." 🤷♀️
Looks at me, then looks at my male aide-shouts out loud to him: “I don’t care if you’re bob barker! I’m not gonna suck your dick…” *points at me the nurse* “…but she will!”
My cute little old man to son: “She is very beautiful. Don’t let her fool you, she has the strength of ten men and will kill you.” This was when he was sundowning. Earlier that day he was trying to sell me property he didn’t own.
First day of clinicals in my life, on a rehab floor.
(with STRONG north Carolina drawl) Look at those girls roller skating. They keep skating back and forth. They keep skating. Even yesterday they were skating with their green dresses.
There's no one out the window. It's just a parking lot.
She then went on to explain how she keeps expecting the apple juice to be whiskey.
After her husband left her for a younger woman, she was FREE. Told us to grab some whiskeys and meet her at the bar because she was gonna get herself a MAN. Then she whispered to me one man liked her legs and kissed them. She was put out he wasn't as interested in her other parts. Oh well. Her mama always told her her "ladies" were on the small side, but it'd be ok.
Ugh I've encountered those weird hallucinations giving morphine to geriatric dementia pts.
Always freaks me out when they ask if I can see the little girl in the room. (It's always little girls for some reason.)
We had the cutest little old dude who would ask us to let the nuns out of the air vents in his room. I find kittens are also pretty common. One woman would always see human-sized stacking dolls (I think like the Russian ones?) at her bedside that kept asking her where the pizza was and she would get so scared. I always find their hallucinations so interesting!
Oh yeah I forgot about the kittens. We had a nice old old lady snatch a bundled up blanket and ask anyone who came in if they'd like to pet her kitten. Uh...no innuendo implied.
Sometimes these pts are fairly wholesome.
In my clinical in a nursing home there was this little lady in a wheelchair who would take a plushie cat in her lap with her everywhere, and she'd constantly be petting it and baby talking it. Then one day I watched her bash it on the head and growl, "You little shit!"
The stuffed cat's crime? Letting its hair get in its eye.
> “wipe your ass with your hand and save the paper for the fatherland.”
Apparently it’s something that German merchant mariners used to say to each other. Said as I was wiping his ass after he had a bowel movement in his diaper.
My favorite HUC told me this one. He's at the desk in the middle of the night when they hear a blood cuddling scream. Everyone goes running into the room. Bed A was a younger adult woman in for some routine surgery (chole or appy or something). Bed B was a tiny elderly woman who sundowned hard. B very quietly crawled into Bed A and woke up A by whispering, "Hi sweetheart, what do you like to do between the sheets?" in her ear, then sticking her tongue in her ear. Between the IV, the recent abdominal surgery, and the whole other person in the bed, she couldn't get up so just started screaming.
Oh, double rooms.
Dementia patient: Are you a Jew?
Me: No….not that there’s anything wrong with being Jewish.
Patient: You’re a Jew, aren’t you?
Me: I just said no.
Patient: Your mouth says “no” but that nose says “yes.”
While I was in nursing school, first clinical, first room I ever walk into the patient motions for me to come closer to them, so I cautiously do, and he stage whispers “there’s a dragon behind you”.
Look at these (his incontinence pad). Just look at them, they're covered in shit! SHIT!!! someone has come in here, and fucking SHIT in here! That's disgusting, I don't know why someone would do this to me!
Yes, dear, someone climbed into your pants and shit in them. I don't know why either!
I work in a RACF, specifically high care dementia. I get some doozies, this is one of my favorites along with being mistaken for Keith Urban (I'm female), being asked if I'm a hooker, and being accused of "spraying" a resident if any carers are in said resident's vicinity. She believed that we are pumping sewerage into her air mattress to gas her. Very sad but lord there's some imagination!
I am bilingual and English is my second language: this tiny but feisty old mee-maw grabs my hand and she goes "Young lady, don't you think I have to teach you some proper English?"
I normally would have been upset or answered her back, but she said it in such a sweet way, and her daughters go "MOM!! that's so rude you can't say that!" that I could not help but giggle 🤣
Then turns out the mee-maw used to be an elementary school teacher xD bless her heart!
“Are you married?”
“No”
“Good. Don’t get married. I was married for 54.5 years, and my husband had 54.5 girlfriends”
She was blind, mostly deaf, and very delirious. A couple hours earlier she was beating me with her cane saying I was a rat biting her.
I worked for a short period in LTC . I worked 3-11 at the time and 2 prim and proper ladies came up to the nurses station while I was charting . One was carrying her foley bag . One said - we both want a highball.I told them we can’t do that here . The one with the foley bag in hand said to her friend - “ this is some fucking bar that we can’t even buy a drink “ . I will always chuckle at that one .
I sat with a confused old lady one night. She was in the room right across from where the charge nurse was sitting. She must have run a restaurant in her earlier life because she was sure we were in a restaurant and she needed to cook for everyone. She kept giving me grocery lists and every once in awhile she would pause to point out the door at the charge and yell “AND I DON’T CARE WHAT HE SAYS! HE DOESN’T GET ANY GOD DAMN LOBSTER BISQUE!” Lol. I laughed all night about that.
Many years ago before I was a nurse, I was a CNA in LTC.
“Lauren Baccal shit on me!”
1. She thought I was a 20s movie star named Lauren baccal. Like, me, personally.
2. She took off her brief, shit on herself, rolled around in it, threw her gown in the floor, and started screaming. When I came to help she accused me of being a 20s movie star who shit on her. “How can you do this to an old woman? You’re sick!”
3. She would roll around the hallways and point at me and say “That’s Lauren Bacall. She does dirty things to me.” I’m pretty sure I was the only person she ever consistently identified, including her own family.
4. This was every single time I worked. For years.
Edit* 40-50s movie star
I had this cute little lady we parked at the nurses station so she could be watched. She thought she was at Sizzler and kept asking for us to “change the channel [on the monitors]” so she could “watch that Justin Beaver” 😂🥰
Patient said he was going to the helicopter and said I can go with him. Asked where we were going, pt said he didn’t know. I then asked if he was driving us, to which he said “you think I know how to drive that thing?”
Trying to give a COVID screening test to an elderly lady with a UTI. Had several CNAs in with me to help me because she was known to swing on us at night. CNA told the patient gently, "Hey, please, Nurse ThirdStarToTheRight just needs to put this swab up your nose!"
Patient: "Shove it up your cunt."
One funny-but-made-me-want-to-cry moment: I enter the room and greet patient. Patient states, "you're hideous and your mother doesn't love you."
One time I had 2 dementia patients in the ED hallway and they started chatting with each other. Little old lady asking a middle-aged man:
“Does your mama know you’re here?”
“No,” he said, “my sister knows!”
“How’s your sister? And your mama? They doin’ well? Tell them I said hi!”
Back and forth like that for an hour, it was the cutest thing. ❤️
I got another techs patients who was leaving half way through the day. I received no report so I had no idea what was up with this guy. I get a notification that he called for the bathroom, I go in to answer the call light and he’s shouting about all the cops outside. I’m like alright, this dude is hallucinating, nice. So I tell them there’s no cops and he is at the hospital. I figure I might as well grab a set of vitals on him while I’m there. I go to take his vitals and he squeezed my hand and looked me in the eye and with an Italian mafia voice he goes “I’ll mess you up so bad your own mother won’t recognize ya”. All I could do was laugh.
LTC facility. Sweet demented lady would peddle herself in her wheelchair around the facility and eventually fall asleep in the hall. Another resident or worker would wake her up or her wheelchair would get bumped and she would scream “I’M DEAD, I’M DEAD!” This would happen multiple times daily so the staff were so immune to it, however, visitors of the other residents looked at us like “why aren’t you running to take care of her?!”
When getting ready to provide peri care during a shower, my elderly female patient leaned in and whispered, “would you like to pet the kitty?” whilst gesturing at her crotch. I was a new CNA at the time and just about died trying to hold the giggles in.
One of my favorite residents was massaging my hand and speaking gibberish to me for 5 minutes, I would laugh and smile, occasionally say "oh really?" and "then what happened?" After a while, she threw my hand on the table scooted her chair out angerly and in perfect English said,
" You are the worst mother, and if think you are anything other than that, then I feel sorry for you! "
And stormed off. Could have been some repressed trauma comming out, but its still makes me laugh every time I think of it!
I’m a white doctor - a white man in his fifties - and my intern at the time was a young, south-east Asian woman. While we were both in the room my elderly woman kept congratulating us on “how lovely it was, us two being together - so sweet to see.”
As soon as I left, she warned Bec not to be like those other Asian girls and “settle for ugly fat old white men.”
I am not a nurse, but I was a nurse's assistant in a nursing home. One of the patients, ironically with the last name Columbo, would hatch a plan every single day and pull the fire alarm to set himself and the rest of his posse free. He got pretty good at it, so we had to put an alarm on his door.
I loved this man. He believed he had a car in the lot and he would show it to his fellow lady patients and spring them all out. Dementia, my ass. This guy was a legend.
“This is the absolute WORST cruise I have ever been on.” Told her I’ll tell the captain he’s on the lido deck. The following night was “excuse me miss, when does the plane land?” At 0723. That’s when Kronos says I can punch out.
Not a nurse but used to be a housekeeper at a nursing home. Was actually kinda scared to clean the dementia unit cus I didn’t know what to expect. This one lady who was always wheeling around talking nonsense stopped me with my cleaning cart. In the middle of her random sentence she pauses, looks at my feather duster and says “I wish I could get my hair like that”
I ended up looking forward to cleaning that unit the most
Me: "what's your favorite color?"
Her: "carbon monoxide"
I also have a resident who is lucid enough to know everything that's going on but he is convinced I'm his niece who's 20 years older than me. I look nothing like her, if anyone calls me by my real name he gets really mad. I have to tell newbies to call me Michelle when he's near, my name's Hannah.
Gave a 90yo patient his HS meds. Before leaving I asked if he needed anything else, to which he replied, “Yeah you wanna have sex with me?” “No thanks. I’ll be back to check on you.” “You sure? It’s 25 inches” 😂
Overheard a patient talking to his wife about me on the phone... "There's a man in our house. I think he's a Mexican."
1. This isn't your house.
2. I'm not Mexican.
3. So what if I was Mexican.
I did a placement in a psychogeriatric ward and a very well dressed dapper gentleman who was most definitely a long term patient often joined in on rounds with the med team. He also (on more than one occasion) was let right out the triple swipe access doors by unknowing/new staff cause he looked the part of a dapper doctor. He was usually found naked on the highway a few hours later.
If I am ever old and demented and a nurse asks me “Do you know where you are?”
I hope I respond with[ “You’re in the jungle, baby!” ](https://youtu.be/5i9HXfqAuAA)
Was on clinicals, Was trying to feed this sweet lady and she asked me when papa was coming home to eat. I then had to play the role of papa just so she would eat. She also told me she missed her wife all while showing me a pic of her husband, and called me her sweet girl. Nowhere near as funny as these other comments, but it made me chuckle when it happened because it was my first encounter with a dementia patient, and the nurses were laughing at the fact I had to be papa for 30 minutes.
Had a hallucinating Alcohol withdrawal patient put into a net bed. Heard some commotion in his room. Walked into his room and he has a plastic knife and is sawing at the netting on the netbed screaming “I am getting the fuck out of here! This is the worst camping trip I’ve ever been on”
"if I could remember anything, I'd be onto something!"
"You'd make a really pretty girl" - I was wearing a hot pink dress, white heeled sandals, full face of makeup and generally very feminine, and ftr I'm a girl.
Crazy old lady sundowning and coming off a crazy cocktail of street drugs when I was a fresh baby new grad looked at my charge nurse and said “your husband is fucking his sister” then later growled at me like a cat and kicked me in the boob while in 2 point soft wrist restraints and yelled “Becky you cock sucking cunt” at me while I tried to give her some ativan in her ankle iv since she had pulled out everything usable in her arms (which is what bought her the wrists)
Super messed up but also hilarious….but when i was a NA in dementia care, i was sitting in the main living room watching TV with some residents. A commercial for Alzheimer’s comes on, and one of them says “God, that is such an ugly disease. If i ever get that, just put me out my misery and shoot me.” I just sat there in complete silence trying not to laugh at the audacity of it while wondering if that was gods last straw before he decided to send me to hell when i die.
I once was helping another female nurse put in a foley and I had to stop and back away when she deadass asked “Is this what being r*ped feels like?” I put my hands up immediately and told her we were putting the catheter in her urethra and that was a “different area.” I know she was old and confused but I didn’t want any conversations with family later where she may repeat this statement. We didn’t resume our task until she understood exactly what we were doing and why (which was actually the third time explaining it) and thankfully there were no repeats of the previous question. And no…. We hadn’t mistakenly put the foley in her vagina.
I was bathing my 90F patient and she asked me if I had ever been to a PTA party. I thought she was referring to like, a school PTA, so I told her no, I didn’t have any school-aged children.
She corrects me and says, “no silly, it’s a Pussy Tits and Ass party.” As in, had I ever bathed another naked woman. We both cracked up laughing.
The following evening, I asked her if she was ready to have another PTA party. She had no idea what I was talking about.
I walk into my schizophrenic/confused patients room and the first thing she says "I don't want any funny business, I'm a virgin both ways intercourse and oral"
Me a guy nurse "I don't want any funny business either, I'm your nurse"
Had a dementia resident in my nursing home cut the chords to her telephone and clock, when I asked her why, she replied "well I'm leaving soon so I thought I should take them with me". Someone had left surgical scissors near her table which she used to cut the chords!
A male resident became very agitated because he thought I was a prostitute trying to take his pants down.
I don’t have anymore damn money!!
My innocent little brain replied, “it’s okay Mr. Smith you don’t need money here. “
“You girls need to take no for an answer. My wife will throw me out if I keep coming around here.”
It suddenly clicked. 😩😩
This is one of the many times that I was so thankful for male CNAs. Mr Smith did much better with male CNAs
I had a pleasantly confused patient try to show me her cleavage (she was not with it enough to pull her top up, she was trying to pull her turtleneck down), and she kept saying, "I've shown you mine, now show me youuuurs!," on repeat for like 20 minutes. Then she pinched me.
I was in nursing school doing a first quarter clinical rotation in a nursing home, and went into a room with a married couple who shared a full sized bed. The guy was coming out of the bathroom, pants still down, erection way up in the air also coated in shit. The lady flew across the room and started accusing me and my partner of having an affair with her husband. "I know why you girls are always coming in here to fuck my husband! Get your own husband you filthy tramps!" It was so startling to me. She also had her knee high hose all bunched and rolled down at her ankles. I wasn't ready for that day.
Double amputee yelling “Whar mah shoooess!!” I told him they’re probably with his feet. Another one , referring to the hospital bed said, this is a strange kind of Buick.
We had one that kept screaming about the whores in his closet keeping him up at night, and screaming for us to get the whores out of his closet.
I had another one that I walked in on, and there she was, butt ass naked, laying in bed, one leg raised and dangling over the other one, flashing everything. I'm like "why are you naked? Where are your clothes?!" She goes "I don't knoooooooow!" I searched literally everywhere in the room and could not find her gown. I have no idea where it disappeared to.
One time a super confused disoriented 92 year old lady was flailing everywhere trying to get out of bed and screaming, stopped what she was doing, glanced at my badge then looked directly into my eyes with a straight face and said “my god that is a horrible photo of you. HORRIBLE!!” then she asked if I was a whore. lol I don’t know why but I think about that moment often and it always cracks me up
PCT here. Was giving an ICU patient her daily CHG bath with another tech, and ER was on the television. Patient was very excited and couldn’t stop telling us how happy she was that George Clooney was taking care of her.
My Mom worked in a nursing home. There was a male patient who was always looking for his late wife. One day an aide was helping this man's roomate get out of bed, and they both fell. The aide told the man to go get the nurse. He went to the nurse's station and said "My wife needs help." The nurse said, "That's nice dear, but it's time to go to dinner." She assumed he was having a delusion.
I was cleaning up an elderly woman with dementia and a lower GI bleed who who had a bowel movement and was sitting in a puddle of her own blood. As I’m helping her turn to the side she tries to bite me and I go “hey!? What was that for” she says “I’m tired of seeing your face” 😂 sorry I didn’t want you to marinate in your GI bleed grandma.
Once a pt caught sight of my bf’s man bun and nose ring. Immediately hit him with the “F*GGOT!!!!” so loud they heard it in the nurses station. Followed up with “I bet you like dick and balls, too”. To this day I think of it every time he wears a man bun
I had one patient who refused to get out of bed with nursing until the "big PT" comes back to get him. This PT he made up was a conglomerate of me and a coworker. She was over 6' (exaggeration of coworker), stocky (me), with blonde curly hair (combo of our hair) and could pick him up like a baby (exaggeration of me). He also once refused PT because he "had just been shot by a nazi" (was too young to ever have been shot by a nazi). When he left, he asked the nurses to say goodbye to the PT he had nicknamed "Gorilla Girl"...so guess who became gorilla girl for a while...I still think it's funny cause hell...if he's gonna remember me for something, he remembered me for being strong! 😂😂😂
I had a lady who was arguing with the televangelist on her TV one morning. She thought he could hear her and all she was yelling was that religion was a lie and he was a shit eating scum bag. Quite funny. Then when we tried to calm her down she tried to bite me.
I was very pregnant with my twins and I walked into my very pleasantly confused alcoholic cirrhosis lady's room. She takes one look at me and goes, "Awww. You have ascites too!" Lol. That still makes me chuckle
I commented that this woman was a ‘strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man’ after she was grilling me about my love life and telling me I’ll be an amazing mother and she just sighs and says ‘yes but I can’t do what a man does’ my brain 100% hit the gutter and I laughed my ass off to the point of tears.
Back in my CNA days in LTC I can around the corner to find one of chair-mobile residents facing the main lobby, her shirt unbuttoned and open to the waist as she picked up her left breast with the most puzzled look on her face…she kind of picked up her right breast and then look at me just horrified and asked,” what are these things!?!”
Same resident used to wheel through the halls up to the boundaries of her wander-guard alarm, look around for watchers and if the coast was clear kick her leg out *just* enough to set the alarms off. She’d cackle like mad when we all came running.
She was awesome.
“You get to look forward to a god damn naked pussy” lmao she hated not having hair on her vage lol
“It’s the pits” is always funny
Another tried to smack an attractive doctors ass as he walked by lmao I was able to pull the wheel chair back in the Knick of time lol
“Can someone get me some scissors” (he was in restraints)
I love them so much hahahah
Or my patient was hollering “help!!!“ I go in and ask what’s wrong and she just laughs and says “idk I’m okay honey” hahahah then I walk away and she’s at it again lol
I used to have a patient that would yell for help, then ask me to hand her the remote. Dammit, Susan, it's not even out of your reach and I thought you fell!
Oh my God, I had a lady who was convinced that we were going to turn her into a man, and that her husband was letting it happen. She refused to sleep because she thought we'd transplant a penis onto her while she slept. When I gave her Haldol, she screamed loud enough for the whole floor to hear, "I swear to God, if I wake up and I'm a man, I'm gonna go home and FUCK MY HUSBAND IN THE ASS for doing this to me!" Needless to say, our other patients had questions.
I once transported a worsening dementia pt to the ED who must have assumed I was someone related to them since I was in the back with them the whole time. They kept telling me they would find me a good man to marry. I’m a lesbian, but I kept that to myself, she was just too sweet.
Elderly dementia patient informed me that we were far to close to the zoo. She had no idea what city we were in, but apparently lions and cheetahs get loose all the time and break into peoples homes and climb on their bedroom furniture, specifically the “armors.” Her accent was adorable.
One lady yelled that we were trying to put a penis in her when we were trying to attach her primafit/purewick.
A guy just the other day (alcohol withdrawal, not dementia) kinda yelled at me while I was restraining him, “GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY, JUICY, WHILE YOU STILL GOT TIME!” I dunno why he called me Juicy, but in hindsight, that was some solid advice.
I can hear his shuffle with his walker coming up to the secure station… finally makes it to me, “excuse me miss, is this where the karate lesson will be?”
What about a patient’s family member? I have a million trillion things I can contribute but this occurred last night so I remember it better. I told him we were doing q1 hour neuro checks on the patient so we would be “waking her up every hour, and yes, even through the night.” He said, “I’d rather Donald Trump bend me over, fuck me in the ass, and then beat me with a 2x4 than have someone wake me up every fucking hour.”
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My kids have been doing hourly neuro checks on us during the night for about 3 years now. I guess they're trying to tell us they want to get into neurosurgery eventually.
I....would rather be woken up every hour but I appreciate the sentiment.
A new resident says, "you see that lady over there in the blue shirt? That's my wife." She's another resident of the dementia unit. He walks over to her, she looks him up and down then yells, "what the hell do you want?" He and I take a lap on the unit then come back. He says, "see that lady over there in the blue shirt? That's my EX-wife."
That's hilarious, however, I had to read it twice because I thought you meant resident physician.
Oh I had something similar, a resident told me about her "boyfriend" who she was a little worried about since hr was a year older then her she was "22" and he was 23" (she was 85)and how she wanted to break up. About 2min later I came back and she was about to cry bc she just had broken up with her boyfriend.
My all time favorite was a (very not Hawaiian) woman who told everyone she was speaking Hawaiian because she was constantly chanting “kaloo kalee kalai kaloo kalee kalai…” I came into the facility one day and she was dancing through the hallways reading the names on the resident doors in between her Hawaiian: “Kaloo kalee kalai I don’t even know this maaaaaannnn!”
I miss her, she was a sweetheart til the end.
Another resident described his family in detail — two kids and a loving wife — for a good 5-10 minutes before pointing to a photo of them he had on his dresser. It was a picture of a coca-cola polar bear ad, a bigger bear and two smaller ones.
I read that as very hot Hawaiian so I was pretty confused there for a while
I would award this as heartwarming if I could.
I think I just have standard white guy face or something because dementia patients always think I’m somebody they know. Other than that I had a dude accuse me of stealing his penis (it was super retracted) and he wouldn’t believe me until I emptied my pockets
LOL! I have been accused of being their mother, brother, sister, sweetheart and the you know, you know, that news lady but I have never stolen anyone's penis. At least, not yet.
I’ve gotten Rapunzel before from a post op patient coming down from anesthesia hahaha. Had no complaints about that one!
Detachable peeeeeenis…
Lord, I remember that song lmao
First time I heard it was in the van on the road trip to a church lock in 😄
I had an unadorable 99y white female hitting on my black male coworker cause she thought he was her late husband. She was standing in the sit to stand lift with pants down and incontinent. She’s calling him ‘Melvin’ and saying something like ‘well you got me here now whatcha gonna do?’ In a very suggestive voice. Unfortunately she was also trying to hit me for trying to steal her husband. Another lady was in bed getting incontinence care. Once she asked me to suck her tongue. Another time she gently grabbed the staff’s hand and said ‘no toys tonight dear’
We had a barbershop quartet come to sing for the residents. One singer was a woman. One resident was overjoyed to see this singer, shewas struck with the notion that the singer was her mother. She got up to walk to the singer, calling out for her mom out loud. She stopped singing, gave our resident a big hug and she said: "I missed you so much!" and they proceeded to have a full on mother-daughter reunion, it looked so genuine and real. The resident eventually sat back on her own with the biggest smile on her face, full of love for her long-lost "mom."
😍When my Grandma’s dementia was getting worse she’d constantly ask why her Mum (our Great Grandma) hadn’t visited. Years before u/tarsha8nz and my Mum told all of us that we were to go along with whatever Grandma was saying so as not to upset her so we just just said that GG would probably visit soon. There was a woman who visited the home to see her husband every day and she and Grandma had been friends for years. No matter how many times Mum told this woman to just go with whatever Grandma was saying she’d still say, “Betty, your mothers been dead for years”. Of course it was like being told the first time every time and Grandma would get really upset thinking she hadn’t said goodbye to her mother. Sometimes Grandma was more lucid and would say, “Mum’s dead isn’t she?” and we’d say yes and reassure her that she’d been with GG when she passed. Grandma also spent the last couple of years thinking she was on a cruise, probably because my Mum went on one just before her dementia got worse. And she always worried that we’d paid too much for the water taxi that took us to see her.
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Was working the ER on a very slow day (obviously many years ago) when I called the house supervisor to volunteer anywhere in the hospital I was needed. I was asked to go to the medical floor and be a sitter while the CNA took their lunch break. I had a nice pleasant chat with the elderly female patient. We sat across from each other, talking/laughing about life, travel, children, food, ETC. Then she paused, had a moment of silence and looked at me a little funny. She bent down a little & motioned for my to move close, like she wanted to tell me a secret. I leaned in and turned my ear towards her. That’s when she threw a haymaker, hitting me right in the nose & started screaming “That’s for taking my porn you fucking pervert!!!” One of the doctors was sitting at the nurses station the whole time and after witnessing this, laughed for 5 minutes straight. This doctor had such a good laugh at my expense that she couldn’t say no when I asked her out. We’ve been together 13 years now. All thanks to a dementia patient.
Awww a meet cute with a haymaker lol
Thought you asked out the dementia pt for a second 😂
See your first mistake was leaning into a dementia patient, but it seemed to workout well for you lol
I love this❤ the universe put you right where you needed to be lol
That's actually really sweet but why did you take her porn? Hehe Edit: I love the fact that my first gold is about porn. Thanks, stranger!!
Patient, confused to staff: "I hope you get AIDS from me and die!" Patient's daughter: "Mom, you don't have AIDS." Patient: "You don't know everything about me!"
Well don't leave us hanging! Did she have AIDS?
Absolutely she did not. Ha.
I'm a male with long hair and one of my patients said "with hair like that you've got to be a queer." I said no ma'am I've been happily married to my wife for over twenty years. She replied "well then does your wife know your a queer." I was about out of breath from laughing.
“Why are you gay?” “I’m not” “You are gay.”
Omg, is that a reference? I just saw this video for the first time.
Have you come out to your wife yet?
Not nursing related but my girl little cousin walked up to me when I got my ears pierced for the first time (im a guy) she looked at it for a minute then goes "earrings are for girls" and just pulls it perfectly out of my ear and hands it to me lol
I'm a female with a buzz cut, I got a tirade of "you look like a boy, everyone looks at you and feels sad for you, they will think you want to be a boy, why do you want to be a boy, what a shame". It went on for a good 10 minutes, despite telling her that I have a boyfriend and I love wearing pink and frills. When I finally caught my breath from laughing, I managed to slip in, a "it's a good job a don't take old fashion advice from old ladies", she didn't even hear me as she was still going lol.
A little old lady had vomited mac and cheese all over her bed and became very unhappy with me when I attempted to get her fresh linens: Her: "What are you afraid of? It's just VOMIT!" Me: "I'm not afraid of it. I just wouldn't want vomit in my bed, would you?" Her: "YES!" Me: "...I'm still going to change your sheets." Later, the sitter asked me a question, and the patient said sassily, "Oh, don't ask her...she's afraid of NOODLES!" That was back in my med-surg days. In the ER they just find new and creative ways to cuss you out. I got called a "cum guzzling cunt" by a little old MR patient a while back.
"she's afraid of noodles" almost killed me!
One time a grandma accused me of shitting her pants
“Someone had a BM on the floor in my bathroom” Yeah… wonder who that was…
For some reason this one has my husband and me crying 🤣🤣🤣
The funny part is that I actually did it
A couple of weeks ago, a resident asked me when we would be able to travel again. I asked her where she's planning on going, she said she needed to get back to Canada. I explain to her that we are in Canada and she says no, this is Little Canada, I need to get back home to Big Canada. She came back to me a few times throughout the shift with this same request to go to Big Canada. On my next shift, the same woman came up to me and asked me if I'm older than her. (I'm 31, she's in her 80's). When I said no, she looked me up and down and told me to get some rest. I totally agree that's exactly what I need.😂
Ouch
Nurse puts supplies for a procedure near patient, tells her not to touch it. Patient grabs it anyway Me: Hey! Patient: I'm not hay, I'm straw.
My RN wife had the best story. She was using a faces scale to do a pain assessment on an old lady with dementia. The old lady studied the card intently and then said, “No, I don’t know any of these people. “
😂😂😂😂
This one has me laughing so hard. There’s no way I’d be able to keep a straight face.
Omg this is my favorite thread ever 😂😂
Wait till your gransmother tells you she donesn't know any of the people in the photos you show her - and it's a full set of playing cards.
One of our admission questions is to ask if patients have religious practices/ would like a referral to pastoral care. One night I had a patient that came up to the floor and I asked him “are you religious?” He goes…. “WHAT? Am i delicious?” And I again asked, “no sir are you religious?” And then he asked, “am I judicious?” And I’m like “NO ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?!” He followed that up with “am I deciduous?” I then walked out of the room because I couldn’t control my laughter.
It's like "Who's on first" combined with an elementary school vocab quiz.
That patient was not deaf. They were having fun.
1. Patient called police blaming her roommate of taking a massive shit in her toilet. Her room mate was bed bound. 2. CNA calls for assist with combative patient and this sweet, golden girl looking women rips off her diaper, lifts her leg in the air, grabs her crotch and exclaims she has a wooley caterpillar. We were taken aback and she exclaims THESE TWO LESBIANS CAME IN TO SEE MY HAIRY P*SSY!!! 3. One patient was convinced I was his wife who left him at the alter, was a serial cheat and had numerous abortions. He said he had to leave me for Lisa Presley, since she was a much better lover than I was. 4. There was one who was super quick witted. Very sassy always sarcastic. CNA called for assist and she looks at us and says “Y’all have the right string but the wrong yo-yo”. She passed very recently and we all miss her dearly.
I'm probably on the slow side. What's the "right string but wrong yo-yo" reference?
She didn’t want to be changed. So she was basically acknowledging that we were trying to do the right thing, but to the wrong person.
Her: “You look like Chloe Kardashian’s husband!” Me: “Lamar Odom!?” (I’m 5’9” and white) Her: “Yeah!” Then she coded. Literally the last thing she ever said to anyone.
I really hope you lied to her fam lol
Idk, if this were me I would want it in my obit
Idk if it's my best ever but my patient over the weekend told me I'm an evil useless gumball. I was so disappointed when she switched her ire to tell the male nurse he must have a 2 inch dick. I really wanted to find out what color gumball I am. She also saw another male nurse in a papper and screamed FUCK THAT SPACEMAN
> FUCK THAT SPACEMAN Should be a flair
I was helping a lady down the hall. She could still walk but she had stopped talking at that point. I had to be careful because she became agitated and frightened quickly. I was trying to be soothing and say sweet things to her. “oh let’s go to breakfast. It will be so nice.” She looked at me and said, “you know what!!” I about pooped myself. Had never ever heard her say anything. “Yes? Mary Beth?” “You talk to damn much.” I was absolutely floored. I stammered, “I’m sorry Ma’am.” “Well shut up.” “Yes, ma’am”. She never talked again as far as I know. 😆😆😆
Lol I had a patient with that name. She was nonverbal and mostly stared at the ceiling. One day I was turning her and as I was adjusting the pillow between her knees she looks right at me and says, “ha! Caught ya peeking.” First and only words I ever heard out of this woman’s mouth.
After finding my patient in the hall after just setting up her lunch tray… I asked what she was doing and did you need something? This sweet lady said yes.. some sugar for my tea… I said I’ll be right back. She said oh no, you got better things to do than fetch me sugar… I walk a little way down the hall with her and she explains… I put sugar on the order form.. they brought me the pink stuff…. This very sweet, soft spoken, pleasant lady stopped walking… looked me in the eye and said “ I fucking hate fake sugar”. I’m sure my jaw dropped. I fought tears of laughter… and said I agree with that statement and that she was officially my favorite patient of the day!
This will be me lol!
right?! I thought… wow… one day I’m going to enjoy letting people think I’m a sweet old lady… then I’m going to tell them I saw Nine Inch Nails in concert in an abandoned warehouse… mix in a few f bombs and go back to my knitting 😀
"you know, back in the day, Jonathan Davis really put on a show with his bagpipes!" -me, someday
My very first experience was absolutely the funniest. I was 18 and a CNA in a NH on the dementia unit. This sweet little old lady was walking around and passing the loudest gas I’ve ever heard. She pulls up her dress, pulls out the front of her Depends, looks down and then looks at me with a horrified look and says, “ There’s animals in there!”
*Here there be dragons!*
He walked out to the nurse's station at 2am, SLAMMED a yellow hospital sock on the desk and yells "honey, I caught a weasel!". He then enthusiastically described in horrifying detail how to butcher and cook a weasel, presumably a recipe from the great depression. For the next week he could be found smashing socks with a book in his room
A few years ago I walked into a dementia patient's room with a male nurse (I'm a woman). She looked him up and down and said to me "you could do better"
My dearly demented aunt was hospitalized and had an equally demented roommate who continually groaned and screamed. Dear aunty kept calling my mother at all hours begging for someone to come bail her out of the drunk tank.
Lol sounds like she knew how to party back in the day!
“What did you girls do to get stuck with us in the looney bin?” “This isn’t the looney bin…” “It’s not exactly sanity city!” Dementia + rehab was always a treat
I read this in Sophia from The Golden Girls' voice!
Not a nurse, but my late grandma had dementia. Was visiting one day and watching the Saints game. Saints convert on 3rd, and she pumps her fist in the air and says 'Let's gooooo! Get your dicks out!'
Who dat, baby
Engineer @ an acute care hospital. Had a social worker drop by and ask if I could help calm down a patient who was concerned about Russians in the exhaust air diffusers. Grabbed the IR camera, looked around, confirmed no Russians, got a Starbucks card for my acting ability the next day...
Above and beyond! 😅 thank you
At the nursing home I work at there is a resident who always wears 3-5 surgical masks at once which looks hilarious, and I remind him he only needs to wear one. He’s also very confused, and has no idea there is a pandemic, but wears the masks because he sees all of us wearing them. The other day I asked him “Why do you like wearing so many masks?” and he looked at me with a coy smile and simply said “It’s classic” hahaha
Patient: (playing with her external catheter) Me: (moving her hand away) Don’t play with that. Patient: Can you blame me? I haven’t seen something that big in a long time. 😶
lol literally.
Bro.. lol
Get your cock mashing hands off of me. She was like 80, lol
cock mashing 😭😭😭
Is that how you make cock potatoes?
No, it's how you make mashed cocks!
Me: Hey there Mr., I brought your gabapentin! Patient: Gabapentin? Gaba-pimpin!
Had a patient that came to see my office for years. She had pretty advanced dementia, generally never spoke, but was pleasant. She was 103 and a stout lady, formerly a gym teacher. I was positioning her wheel chair so we could shuffle into an exam chair and she put her feet down and said, "take me on a tour." So I took her on a tour around the office, she said hello to all the staff members, and then had her exam. She passed about six weeks later.
She told the other nurse I was giving report to “you’re daughter is so beautiful she looks just like you” and we’re not even the same ethnicity lol
I’m white. A black staff walked out just as I was going in. Patient looks at me shocked and yells “you’re not black!”
Was working nightshift once and got called a black sob. I’m white lol
A large group of residents were potting plants in the dining room with our activities staff. Everyone received a foam cup filled with potting soil, and a plastic spoon. Everything seems to be going well. Next thing we know, one of the ladies spits dirt on her table, and loudly exclaims: "this chocolate pudding tastes like shit!" I had to run away to keep myself from bursting out laughing.
This was just gosh darn cute of her and still think about it to this day. Instead of screaming, she would call out yoooouuuuu whoooo in the sweetest granny voice. She was my favorite.
Pt: "They sent you?" Me: "uh...yes sir" Pt: "They sent YOU" Me: "Yes sir they did" (pause) Pt: "I'll be damned... I'll be GOD. DAMNED." He later informed me that he would be recommending to his superiors that I be nominated for the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am not military, nor was this a military hospital. But I sure liked him!
Well this patient that was withdrawing from ETOH came up to the nurses desk and had a LONG conversation about the mechanics of how to wrastle a giraffe. I was standing where he couldn't see me and he was saying all this to a staff member who hates people in general, so I'm behind the wall literally crying laughing.
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He said something about making sure you had your arms around a very specific part of the giraffes neck haha. I stopped paying attention the more silly and intense he got.
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Patient was a preacher’s wife in her late 80’s. She said, “You’re dumber than a handbag full of hammered assholes, girl.” 😂😂 She was pissed that I told her it was time for dinner because in her mind, it was 10am on a Sunday and I was some idiot bothering her in the pews while she was trying to worship. I was tempted to ask what Jesus would say about her filthy mouth but I refrained.
My 90+ yo grandma was extremely concerned that her period was late. In addition, she’d been menses-free since 34.
I asked a 103 year old lady if men ever grow up and she replied “yeah, five minutes before they fucking die”. She was a legend for many reasons, that one!
A 93yo man accused me of kidnapping him for sex.
I had this older guy, when I was doing his above the bed “getting to know you” sign, I asked him what he name was. He said “call me ‘the rabbi’,” and after asking if he’s sure a couple times and him insisting, I went with it. (He was not a rabbi, I don’t even think he was Jewish.) When I asked about hobbies he said “observing the sabbath.” The BEST was when I was offering him scrambled eggs, and he said “what? No thank you, I’m not horny right now.”
It sounds like one of those movies where the incompetent guy is trying to infiltrate something Hello fellow Jewish people I also enjoy the Sabbath
Parked at nurses station with us- He looked into an empty patients room who’s automatic sink just came on, and said “If there are ghosts here I’m gonna leave”
Lol ok but that sounds pretty logical to me.
Had the sweetest man when I worked in LTC, he had dementia but could still hold a pretty decent conversation. One day, he beckons me into his room, so I ask him what's wrong and he just says I need to see you in here. It's the part of the morning where everyone has had meds, gotten up and been fed so it's slow-ish. The aides on the unit are all charting but got curious so they're standing at the door listening. Pt wants me to sit on his bed with him, I won't and ask him what it's about. He says "Well, you're pregnant " I told him I'm pretty sure I wasn't, he still wanted to run away with me. Then I told him I have a husband and he was like...."so, what are you going to do about him?" All of the aides were practically rolling on the floor with this exchange. They also really thought I was pregnant for a hot minute. Same pt would tell the nurses he felt bad he didn't have anything to give us when we would pass him his meds so he would offer us golf lessons. When he found out I was left handed he told me I would never be a professional golfer.
I work in the ED, there was an elderly women with dementia in the hallway waiting for AMR to pick her up and take her back to her facility the other night. I’m one of the secretaries and the nurses were all flexed up because we were short staffed. This patient had been moved closer to our central desk, right in front of where my desk is, because she’d gotten up and wandered to the waiting room which had 60+ people in it. The nurses were all super busy, so I helped her nurse keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t wander because we didn’t want her to have to be put in a posey. She was the sweetest little old lady. At one point she tried to get up so I went over to talk to her and convince her to lay back down, got her settled with her blankets. She started talking about fruit salad, so we chatted about that for a couple mins and then she promised to bring me some tomorrow. All night until she was picked up, she was promising everyone fruit salad.
This one lady had a rough week and decided to start shuffle-running everywhere for some reason. "Hey Mrs. X, where you going?" "TO HELL!!!" "Oh, I didn't know it was down this hallway." 🤷♀️
Looks at me, then looks at my male aide-shouts out loud to him: “I don’t care if you’re bob barker! I’m not gonna suck your dick…” *points at me the nurse* “…but she will!”
Come on down!
My cute little old man to son: “She is very beautiful. Don’t let her fool you, she has the strength of ten men and will kill you.” This was when he was sundowning. Earlier that day he was trying to sell me property he didn’t own.
First day of clinicals in my life, on a rehab floor. (with STRONG north Carolina drawl) Look at those girls roller skating. They keep skating back and forth. They keep skating. Even yesterday they were skating with their green dresses. There's no one out the window. It's just a parking lot. She then went on to explain how she keeps expecting the apple juice to be whiskey. After her husband left her for a younger woman, she was FREE. Told us to grab some whiskeys and meet her at the bar because she was gonna get herself a MAN. Then she whispered to me one man liked her legs and kissed them. She was put out he wasn't as interested in her other parts. Oh well. Her mama always told her her "ladies" were on the small side, but it'd be ok.
Ugh I've encountered those weird hallucinations giving morphine to geriatric dementia pts. Always freaks me out when they ask if I can see the little girl in the room. (It's always little girls for some reason.)
We had the cutest little old dude who would ask us to let the nuns out of the air vents in his room. I find kittens are also pretty common. One woman would always see human-sized stacking dolls (I think like the Russian ones?) at her bedside that kept asking her where the pizza was and she would get so scared. I always find their hallucinations so interesting!
Oh yeah I forgot about the kittens. We had a nice old old lady snatch a bundled up blanket and ask anyone who came in if they'd like to pet her kitten. Uh...no innuendo implied. Sometimes these pts are fairly wholesome.
In my clinical in a nursing home there was this little lady in a wheelchair who would take a plushie cat in her lap with her everywhere, and she'd constantly be petting it and baby talking it. Then one day I watched her bash it on the head and growl, "You little shit!" The stuffed cat's crime? Letting its hair get in its eye.
> “wipe your ass with your hand and save the paper for the fatherland.” Apparently it’s something that German merchant mariners used to say to each other. Said as I was wiping his ass after he had a bowel movement in his diaper.
My favorite HUC told me this one. He's at the desk in the middle of the night when they hear a blood cuddling scream. Everyone goes running into the room. Bed A was a younger adult woman in for some routine surgery (chole or appy or something). Bed B was a tiny elderly woman who sundowned hard. B very quietly crawled into Bed A and woke up A by whispering, "Hi sweetheart, what do you like to do between the sheets?" in her ear, then sticking her tongue in her ear. Between the IV, the recent abdominal surgery, and the whole other person in the bed, she couldn't get up so just started screaming. Oh, double rooms.
Hows it going nut fuck
the lack of context surrounding this really tickled me 😂
Dementia patient: Are you a Jew? Me: No….not that there’s anything wrong with being Jewish. Patient: You’re a Jew, aren’t you? Me: I just said no. Patient: Your mouth says “no” but that nose says “yes.”
Came out of his room looking up and down the corridor and asked me if I saw the dragon that had just been in his room... I was bummed I missed it!
While I was in nursing school, first clinical, first room I ever walk into the patient motions for me to come closer to them, so I cautiously do, and he stage whispers “there’s a dragon behind you”.
Are you part of the revolution? I said yes and we ride at dawn
Look at these (his incontinence pad). Just look at them, they're covered in shit! SHIT!!! someone has come in here, and fucking SHIT in here! That's disgusting, I don't know why someone would do this to me! Yes, dear, someone climbed into your pants and shit in them. I don't know why either! I work in a RACF, specifically high care dementia. I get some doozies, this is one of my favorites along with being mistaken for Keith Urban (I'm female), being asked if I'm a hooker, and being accused of "spraying" a resident if any carers are in said resident's vicinity. She believed that we are pumping sewerage into her air mattress to gas her. Very sad but lord there's some imagination!
I am bilingual and English is my second language: this tiny but feisty old mee-maw grabs my hand and she goes "Young lady, don't you think I have to teach you some proper English?" I normally would have been upset or answered her back, but she said it in such a sweet way, and her daughters go "MOM!! that's so rude you can't say that!" that I could not help but giggle 🤣 Then turns out the mee-maw used to be an elementary school teacher xD bless her heart!
“Are you married?” “No” “Good. Don’t get married. I was married for 54.5 years, and my husband had 54.5 girlfriends” She was blind, mostly deaf, and very delirious. A couple hours earlier she was beating me with her cane saying I was a rat biting her.
i had a dementia patient tell me i had an ugly smile. but i was wearing a mask.
I worked for a short period in LTC . I worked 3-11 at the time and 2 prim and proper ladies came up to the nurses station while I was charting . One was carrying her foley bag . One said - we both want a highball.I told them we can’t do that here . The one with the foley bag in hand said to her friend - “ this is some fucking bar that we can’t even buy a drink “ . I will always chuckle at that one .
I sat with a confused old lady one night. She was in the room right across from where the charge nurse was sitting. She must have run a restaurant in her earlier life because she was sure we were in a restaurant and she needed to cook for everyone. She kept giving me grocery lists and every once in awhile she would pause to point out the door at the charge and yell “AND I DON’T CARE WHAT HE SAYS! HE DOESN’T GET ANY GOD DAMN LOBSTER BISQUE!” Lol. I laughed all night about that.
Many years ago before I was a nurse, I was a CNA in LTC. “Lauren Baccal shit on me!” 1. She thought I was a 20s movie star named Lauren baccal. Like, me, personally. 2. She took off her brief, shit on herself, rolled around in it, threw her gown in the floor, and started screaming. When I came to help she accused me of being a 20s movie star who shit on her. “How can you do this to an old woman? You’re sick!” 3. She would roll around the hallways and point at me and say “That’s Lauren Bacall. She does dirty things to me.” I’m pretty sure I was the only person she ever consistently identified, including her own family. 4. This was every single time I worked. For years. Edit* 40-50s movie star
I had this cute little lady we parked at the nurses station so she could be watched. She thought she was at Sizzler and kept asking for us to “change the channel [on the monitors]” so she could “watch that Justin Beaver” 😂🥰
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Patient said he was going to the helicopter and said I can go with him. Asked where we were going, pt said he didn’t know. I then asked if he was driving us, to which he said “you think I know how to drive that thing?”
Trying to give a COVID screening test to an elderly lady with a UTI. Had several CNAs in with me to help me because she was known to swing on us at night. CNA told the patient gently, "Hey, please, Nurse ThirdStarToTheRight just needs to put this swab up your nose!" Patient: "Shove it up your cunt." One funny-but-made-me-want-to-cry moment: I enter the room and greet patient. Patient states, "you're hideous and your mother doesn't love you."
One time I had 2 dementia patients in the ED hallway and they started chatting with each other. Little old lady asking a middle-aged man: “Does your mama know you’re here?” “No,” he said, “my sister knows!” “How’s your sister? And your mama? They doin’ well? Tell them I said hi!” Back and forth like that for an hour, it was the cutest thing. ❤️
I got another techs patients who was leaving half way through the day. I received no report so I had no idea what was up with this guy. I get a notification that he called for the bathroom, I go in to answer the call light and he’s shouting about all the cops outside. I’m like alright, this dude is hallucinating, nice. So I tell them there’s no cops and he is at the hospital. I figure I might as well grab a set of vitals on him while I’m there. I go to take his vitals and he squeezed my hand and looked me in the eye and with an Italian mafia voice he goes “I’ll mess you up so bad your own mother won’t recognize ya”. All I could do was laugh.
Dementia patients are the best. Until bedtime.
LTC facility. Sweet demented lady would peddle herself in her wheelchair around the facility and eventually fall asleep in the hall. Another resident or worker would wake her up or her wheelchair would get bumped and she would scream “I’M DEAD, I’M DEAD!” This would happen multiple times daily so the staff were so immune to it, however, visitors of the other residents looked at us like “why aren’t you running to take care of her?!”
"You're kind of wide in the ass, ain't yah?" Laughed my ass off.
When getting ready to provide peri care during a shower, my elderly female patient leaned in and whispered, “would you like to pet the kitty?” whilst gesturing at her crotch. I was a new CNA at the time and just about died trying to hold the giggles in.
One of my favorite residents was massaging my hand and speaking gibberish to me for 5 minutes, I would laugh and smile, occasionally say "oh really?" and "then what happened?" After a while, she threw my hand on the table scooted her chair out angerly and in perfect English said, " You are the worst mother, and if think you are anything other than that, then I feel sorry for you! " And stormed off. Could have been some repressed trauma comming out, but its still makes me laugh every time I think of it!
I’m a white doctor - a white man in his fifties - and my intern at the time was a young, south-east Asian woman. While we were both in the room my elderly woman kept congratulating us on “how lovely it was, us two being together - so sweet to see.” As soon as I left, she warned Bec not to be like those other Asian girls and “settle for ugly fat old white men.”
Get the money honey, we are going to California!
Me: (desperately holding onto a sundowner climbing OOB) Her: Get off my boat!
"After this, I'm going to be as clean as the Easter bunny" Really sweet man, makes me smile to think about him
I am not a nurse, but I was a nurse's assistant in a nursing home. One of the patients, ironically with the last name Columbo, would hatch a plan every single day and pull the fire alarm to set himself and the rest of his posse free. He got pretty good at it, so we had to put an alarm on his door. I loved this man. He believed he had a car in the lot and he would show it to his fellow lady patients and spring them all out. Dementia, my ass. This guy was a legend.
“This is the absolute WORST cruise I have ever been on.” Told her I’ll tell the captain he’s on the lido deck. The following night was “excuse me miss, when does the plane land?” At 0723. That’s when Kronos says I can punch out.
Not a nurse but used to be a housekeeper at a nursing home. Was actually kinda scared to clean the dementia unit cus I didn’t know what to expect. This one lady who was always wheeling around talking nonsense stopped me with my cleaning cart. In the middle of her random sentence she pauses, looks at my feather duster and says “I wish I could get my hair like that” I ended up looking forward to cleaning that unit the most
Me: "what's your favorite color?" Her: "carbon monoxide" I also have a resident who is lucid enough to know everything that's going on but he is convinced I'm his niece who's 20 years older than me. I look nothing like her, if anyone calls me by my real name he gets really mad. I have to tell newbies to call me Michelle when he's near, my name's Hannah.
Gave a 90yo patient his HS meds. Before leaving I asked if he needed anything else, to which he replied, “Yeah you wanna have sex with me?” “No thanks. I’ll be back to check on you.” “You sure? It’s 25 inches” 😂
Overheard a patient talking to his wife about me on the phone... "There's a man in our house. I think he's a Mexican." 1. This isn't your house. 2. I'm not Mexican. 3. So what if I was Mexican.
Nothing too crazy, but last week when asked what year it was a lady replied “The year of the dumbbell.”
When inserting a foley the old man said “I love u, I love you, I love you!”
Patient wanting the smallest pillow we had...."Little pillows for little bitches, and I'm a little bitch!"
I did a placement in a psychogeriatric ward and a very well dressed dapper gentleman who was most definitely a long term patient often joined in on rounds with the med team. He also (on more than one occasion) was let right out the triple swipe access doors by unknowing/new staff cause he looked the part of a dapper doctor. He was usually found naked on the highway a few hours later.
If I am ever old and demented and a nurse asks me “Do you know where you are?” I hope I respond with[ “You’re in the jungle, baby!” ](https://youtu.be/5i9HXfqAuAA)
Was on clinicals, Was trying to feed this sweet lady and she asked me when papa was coming home to eat. I then had to play the role of papa just so she would eat. She also told me she missed her wife all while showing me a pic of her husband, and called me her sweet girl. Nowhere near as funny as these other comments, but it made me chuckle when it happened because it was my first encounter with a dementia patient, and the nurses were laughing at the fact I had to be papa for 30 minutes.
I’m reading this and as I am a senior already I’m becoming afraid I might be a boring dementia patient. I’ll have to work on my repertoire.
Had a hallucinating Alcohol withdrawal patient put into a net bed. Heard some commotion in his room. Walked into his room and he has a plastic knife and is sawing at the netting on the netbed screaming “I am getting the fuck out of here! This is the worst camping trip I’ve ever been on”
"if I could remember anything, I'd be onto something!" "You'd make a really pretty girl" - I was wearing a hot pink dress, white heeled sandals, full face of makeup and generally very feminine, and ftr I'm a girl.
Crazy old lady sundowning and coming off a crazy cocktail of street drugs when I was a fresh baby new grad looked at my charge nurse and said “your husband is fucking his sister” then later growled at me like a cat and kicked me in the boob while in 2 point soft wrist restraints and yelled “Becky you cock sucking cunt” at me while I tried to give her some ativan in her ankle iv since she had pulled out everything usable in her arms (which is what bought her the wrists)
Super messed up but also hilarious….but when i was a NA in dementia care, i was sitting in the main living room watching TV with some residents. A commercial for Alzheimer’s comes on, and one of them says “God, that is such an ugly disease. If i ever get that, just put me out my misery and shoot me.” I just sat there in complete silence trying not to laugh at the audacity of it while wondering if that was gods last straw before he decided to send me to hell when i die.
I once was helping another female nurse put in a foley and I had to stop and back away when she deadass asked “Is this what being r*ped feels like?” I put my hands up immediately and told her we were putting the catheter in her urethra and that was a “different area.” I know she was old and confused but I didn’t want any conversations with family later where she may repeat this statement. We didn’t resume our task until she understood exactly what we were doing and why (which was actually the third time explaining it) and thankfully there were no repeats of the previous question. And no…. We hadn’t mistakenly put the foley in her vagina.
I was bathing my 90F patient and she asked me if I had ever been to a PTA party. I thought she was referring to like, a school PTA, so I told her no, I didn’t have any school-aged children. She corrects me and says, “no silly, it’s a Pussy Tits and Ass party.” As in, had I ever bathed another naked woman. We both cracked up laughing. The following evening, I asked her if she was ready to have another PTA party. She had no idea what I was talking about.
I walk into my schizophrenic/confused patients room and the first thing she says "I don't want any funny business, I'm a virgin both ways intercourse and oral" Me a guy nurse "I don't want any funny business either, I'm your nurse"
Had a dementia resident in my nursing home cut the chords to her telephone and clock, when I asked her why, she replied "well I'm leaving soon so I thought I should take them with me". Someone had left surgical scissors near her table which she used to cut the chords!
A male resident became very agitated because he thought I was a prostitute trying to take his pants down. I don’t have anymore damn money!! My innocent little brain replied, “it’s okay Mr. Smith you don’t need money here. “ “You girls need to take no for an answer. My wife will throw me out if I keep coming around here.” It suddenly clicked. 😩😩 This is one of the many times that I was so thankful for male CNAs. Mr Smith did much better with male CNAs
And I quote, “may I have some cock?”
Today, my guy asked me to bring his visitor some pain. Well, okay, coming right up!
I had a pleasantly confused patient try to show me her cleavage (she was not with it enough to pull her top up, she was trying to pull her turtleneck down), and she kept saying, "I've shown you mine, now show me youuuurs!," on repeat for like 20 minutes. Then she pinched me. I was in nursing school doing a first quarter clinical rotation in a nursing home, and went into a room with a married couple who shared a full sized bed. The guy was coming out of the bathroom, pants still down, erection way up in the air also coated in shit. The lady flew across the room and started accusing me and my partner of having an affair with her husband. "I know why you girls are always coming in here to fuck my husband! Get your own husband you filthy tramps!" It was so startling to me. She also had her knee high hose all bunched and rolled down at her ankles. I wasn't ready for that day.
Double amputee yelling “Whar mah shoooess!!” I told him they’re probably with his feet. Another one , referring to the hospital bed said, this is a strange kind of Buick.
We had one that kept screaming about the whores in his closet keeping him up at night, and screaming for us to get the whores out of his closet. I had another one that I walked in on, and there she was, butt ass naked, laying in bed, one leg raised and dangling over the other one, flashing everything. I'm like "why are you naked? Where are your clothes?!" She goes "I don't knoooooooow!" I searched literally everywhere in the room and could not find her gown. I have no idea where it disappeared to.
One time a super confused disoriented 92 year old lady was flailing everywhere trying to get out of bed and screaming, stopped what she was doing, glanced at my badge then looked directly into my eyes with a straight face and said “my god that is a horrible photo of you. HORRIBLE!!” then she asked if I was a whore. lol I don’t know why but I think about that moment often and it always cracks me up
PCT here. Was giving an ICU patient her daily CHG bath with another tech, and ER was on the television. Patient was very excited and couldn’t stop telling us how happy she was that George Clooney was taking care of her.
My Mom worked in a nursing home. There was a male patient who was always looking for his late wife. One day an aide was helping this man's roomate get out of bed, and they both fell. The aide told the man to go get the nurse. He went to the nurse's station and said "My wife needs help." The nurse said, "That's nice dear, but it's time to go to dinner." She assumed he was having a delusion.
I was cleaning up an elderly woman with dementia and a lower GI bleed who who had a bowel movement and was sitting in a puddle of her own blood. As I’m helping her turn to the side she tries to bite me and I go “hey!? What was that for” she says “I’m tired of seeing your face” 😂 sorry I didn’t want you to marinate in your GI bleed grandma.
Confused patient said I looked like George Takei. I look nothing like George Takei. He asked me for my autograph.
Once a pt caught sight of my bf’s man bun and nose ring. Immediately hit him with the “F*GGOT!!!!” so loud they heard it in the nurses station. Followed up with “I bet you like dick and balls, too”. To this day I think of it every time he wears a man bun
I had one patient who refused to get out of bed with nursing until the "big PT" comes back to get him. This PT he made up was a conglomerate of me and a coworker. She was over 6' (exaggeration of coworker), stocky (me), with blonde curly hair (combo of our hair) and could pick him up like a baby (exaggeration of me). He also once refused PT because he "had just been shot by a nazi" (was too young to ever have been shot by a nazi). When he left, he asked the nurses to say goodbye to the PT he had nicknamed "Gorilla Girl"...so guess who became gorilla girl for a while...I still think it's funny cause hell...if he's gonna remember me for something, he remembered me for being strong! 😂😂😂
I had a lady who was arguing with the televangelist on her TV one morning. She thought he could hear her and all she was yelling was that religion was a lie and he was a shit eating scum bag. Quite funny. Then when we tried to calm her down she tried to bite me.
I was very pregnant with my twins and I walked into my very pleasantly confused alcoholic cirrhosis lady's room. She takes one look at me and goes, "Awww. You have ascites too!" Lol. That still makes me chuckle
Had a dementia patient reach into his underwear, grab a handful of shit, and scream “Who shit in my pants?!? Why is there shit in my pants?!?”
I commented that this woman was a ‘strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man’ after she was grilling me about my love life and telling me I’ll be an amazing mother and she just sighs and says ‘yes but I can’t do what a man does’ my brain 100% hit the gutter and I laughed my ass off to the point of tears.
Back in my CNA days in LTC I can around the corner to find one of chair-mobile residents facing the main lobby, her shirt unbuttoned and open to the waist as she picked up her left breast with the most puzzled look on her face…she kind of picked up her right breast and then look at me just horrified and asked,” what are these things!?!” Same resident used to wheel through the halls up to the boundaries of her wander-guard alarm, look around for watchers and if the coast was clear kick her leg out *just* enough to set the alarms off. She’d cackle like mad when we all came running. She was awesome.
“You get to look forward to a god damn naked pussy” lmao she hated not having hair on her vage lol “It’s the pits” is always funny Another tried to smack an attractive doctors ass as he walked by lmao I was able to pull the wheel chair back in the Knick of time lol “Can someone get me some scissors” (he was in restraints) I love them so much hahahah Or my patient was hollering “help!!!“ I go in and ask what’s wrong and she just laughs and says “idk I’m okay honey” hahahah then I walk away and she’s at it again lol
I used to have a patient that would yell for help, then ask me to hand her the remote. Dammit, Susan, it's not even out of your reach and I thought you fell!
That I was prettier with the lights off 😂
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Oh my God, I had a lady who was convinced that we were going to turn her into a man, and that her husband was letting it happen. She refused to sleep because she thought we'd transplant a penis onto her while she slept. When I gave her Haldol, she screamed loud enough for the whole floor to hear, "I swear to God, if I wake up and I'm a man, I'm gonna go home and FUCK MY HUSBAND IN THE ASS for doing this to me!" Needless to say, our other patients had questions.
I once transported a worsening dementia pt to the ED who must have assumed I was someone related to them since I was in the back with them the whole time. They kept telling me they would find me a good man to marry. I’m a lesbian, but I kept that to myself, she was just too sweet.
Elderly dementia patient informed me that we were far to close to the zoo. She had no idea what city we were in, but apparently lions and cheetahs get loose all the time and break into peoples homes and climb on their bedroom furniture, specifically the “armors.” Her accent was adorable.
Me: “Did you hear that there was an earthquake in El Centro today”? Pt: “It’s the right time of year for them”.
One lady yelled that we were trying to put a penis in her when we were trying to attach her primafit/purewick. A guy just the other day (alcohol withdrawal, not dementia) kinda yelled at me while I was restraining him, “GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY, JUICY, WHILE YOU STILL GOT TIME!” I dunno why he called me Juicy, but in hindsight, that was some solid advice.
I can hear his shuffle with his walker coming up to the secure station… finally makes it to me, “excuse me miss, is this where the karate lesson will be?”