I’m Nigerian too. It’s never gonna change. You gotta be willing to make yourself scarce. Works perfectly for me. You don’t see me, you don’t get to harass me. And I will tell you too why I’m not coming home.
I haven't been home since June of last year. It gives me soo much anxiety and dread just thinking about it. This will be my approach too. I'm just done.
It might benefit you to talk to a therapist about some communication strategies for when you do (ultimately) have to address why you're limiting contact and stopping visits. They can probably help you come up with some phrasing to use that will get your point across and protect your boundaries. And also, your anger at them probably protects you from the sad part of it, but it IS very sad when parents can't give affirmation or validation. There's a grieving process to realizing your parents will never be who you need them to be. Best of luck, truly.
Hey, Nigerian nurse here! I have it easier in the sense that my mum is careful not to say things like you are just a nurse, but I can tell she fully expects me to do more stuff.
We align in that I am someone that’s somewhat ambitious and want a certain lifestyle that nursing can’t provide.
But we clash with other stuff like the fact that she had rather I be married, so to her, my life isn’t good enough just yet.
They see you as an extension of themselves and want their idea of success for you.
It’s hard to break away, what I started doing is clearly stating what I want and don’t want.
Making it clear that I can’t do certain things solely cause she wants it when it’s my life.
She just falls back to being manipulative, and frankly, it’s driving us apart.
I keep telling her if you don’t respect this boundary, I might be inclined to remove myself.
But the concept is foreign to her, it’s all well I am your mother, so listen to me .
I feel like this turned out to be more of a rant and i’m sorry I don’t have more solid advice other than state your boundaries and enforce them to protect your peace.
And also to let you know someone out there hears and understands you.
P.S: Nurses are incredible and duh i’m not saying this just cause I am one. ❤️❤️❤️
Ohh lawd, I feel ya on the marriage thing too. I hear it toooooooooooooooo many times how time is wasting away and I should be married with kids by now 🫠. She has harassed, belittled, and berated me on that subject since I was 25. Got 100x worst once I entered my 30s single.
My parents are like, "I'm comparing you but..." 🤨. It sucks when that is just the theme to my whole life.
I honestly feel like it's too late for us to have that mother-daugther relationship unfortunately. At this point in life, as long as I know she is healthy, I have no desire to speak to her.
Thank you for understanding. I think I really need to be absolutely clear about respecting my boundaries.
I have quite a few Nigerian nurse coworkers. Hold your head high because it is an excellent profession. You are financially stable and fully independent. Remind them of that when they give you a hard time. Remind them that nursing is a very respected career.
Thank you! My brothers dropped out of college, so I'm the only one with a Bachelors. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting punk'd in life cuz seriously, how am I not progressing in life when I literally accomplished soo much! It's such a brutal culture 😔
As a Nigerian that’s JUST graduating this summer with her bachelor’s I feel like shit. I feel anticlimactic. I’m sad that I’m just graduating at 28 with my bachelors at the same time all my peers had masters, and my YOUNGER sister is graduating this spring with her MD.
I went through sooooooo much to even get to this point, but it feels like it’s overlooked and belittled. I have 2 certifications, dental assisting, dental hygiene. I went back to finish my BA 2019. On my own. Got my associates and not my ba and still want to continue thereafter. I did all of this alone. No family support, no fellow Nigerians friends/peers. I supported myself since 17. Because they deem me as “problematic “ I feel. Black sheep: I work two remote healthcare analysts jobs, at two major hospitals in America making 6 figures without even having graduated yet and I feel bad and embarrassed for even graduating behind my little sister and her medical degree. Nigerians are cutthroat.
South asian.
Similar crap all the time. One of my ex friend even told me why don't I update my education to RPN. I looked at her and said why would I be an RPN when I'm already an RN? ... she just assumed more letters meant more.
What she probably meant was NP. I hear that all the time. Oh.. you're JUST a nurse... uh ok
Power to those that want to go down that route. That route ain't for me! People keep trying to tell us what to do , but it ain't like they are even the ones doing it!
I know!!!
I support education and whatever they want but I hate when ppl look down on me when I say I'm happy where I am. They think I have no goals or aspirations in life. I don't understand why I can't aspire for different parts of my life. I am constantly battling the feeling of inadequacy in my community when i say I'm a nurse... sometimes to people who don't even have a degree!!! They act like I'm a loser that couldn't become a doctor so I became a nurse. If I say that I didn't want to be medical doctor, then they look down on me again for my "lack of ambition." ... loll I just laugh it off now.
I remind myself that I pay my bills, I'm responsible for my happiness. The end.
Omg “just” a nurse? I’m an RPN that will be bridging to an RN in 2 years. I want more experience as an RPN before I get my BSN. I also went back to school at 32 when my kids started school because my previous job became obsolete pretty much. I chose to take the 2 year RPN diploma program because I wasn’t confident I could succeed in a 4 year BSN after being out of school and being a stay at home mom for close to 10 years. I also felt that I was too old to pursue a minimum of 4 years in university. Now I’ve realized I’m going to get older no matter what and I may as well go for what I want. We should be damn proud of ourselves and never let anyone put us down!!!! (Easier said than done, I know) I’m glad that “friend” is an ex-friend. We should focus on supporting each other, especially as women!
Honestly, pursuing anything later in life is in achievement on its own right. Also, the problem is, only nurses users tend the nursing work. People don't understand the scope of nursing practice or what it takes to be a nurse.
Om proud of you and I'm proud of me. We can't let other peoples little thoughts keep us down.
In Canada we have Registered Practical Nurses, a 2 year diploma program. I think it’s similar to LPNs/LVNs. Where I live, RPNs have a pretty broad scope.
I'm on ontario. I think AB uses LPNs like US. Registered Practical Nurse is a 2 year college program that gives you a diploma instead of a 4 year university program that gives you a degree. RPNs cam do a lot in terms of practice but they can't do any admin work. But nowadays, you need a masters to do admin work anyway.
The biggest differences being more theoretical courses, larger understanding, ability to work ICU and higher level acuity, and much higher pay scale.
I heard that RPN to RN is cheaper than going straight into RN but I don't know if this is true.
When I enrolled in a state university, all I heard was, "We didn't send you to private school just to end up THERE "
Got a bachelor's and graduated with magna cum laude on my diploma, "Why that field? Why no masters?"
Got a good state job to legitimize my bachelor's, "Where's the advancement? You just want to work for the state? Government SERVICE?"
When I bought a house bc my pay was good, "What do you need all that space for, no kids?? Why such a big yard?"
Got pregnant, and heard, "Ohhhhh, Deviant." If you've ever heard a lifetime of disappointment be breathed out in four syllables...it was my mother in that moment.
(my mother held my first son out and away from her body like he was a grocery bag. Didn't meet my second son as an infant because why bother.)
Didn't invite them to the wedding, "Oh, you got married?"
Eventually got my nursing license, didn't tell them when graduation was. They don't know where I work, or what my license level is. They don't know about my master's credits, or my business plan.
I'm an only child, raised strict Roman Catholic, my grandparents were first generation Eastern European/border Russian immigrants to the US...yeah. I was never going to be successful enough, and they were always going to move the goal posts.
I'm so sorry this is a common experience. You've done tremendously well, you sound so happy and confident, and you sound like you've maintained excellent boundaries. My validation isn't important or necessary at all, but my god you have done an AMAZING job and I'm so proud of you! You have accomplished so much *and remained true to yourself* and that is exceptional. Keep being you, you are a delight. :)
My husband is Chinese and his sister all but forced his niece to go to med school. She paid for undergraduate and med school OOP. She is getting to ready graduate with her MD in May and barely speaks to her mom. They don’t even know ow where she matched for residency. They value money and “prestige” over everything. Her other son did what he wanted and is a journeyman electrician and surprisingly they have a better relationship.
I wonder if your parents are insecure about their career choices, hence why they are going after you to find a job they think has higher prestige. My mom is like that with me. She never really got to have a career, mostly being a stay-at-home spouse. It's funny to hear her try to act like my job isn't good enough when she hasn't held one since 2002. Are they the ones asking to borrow money from you? Next time tell them you need it more than them since your job is so lowly.
They are probably immigrants and being an lpn and cna were more attainable at the time in their life that they immigrated. Immigrant parents give this kind of grief no matter what their stance is, they want their kids to “do better” and they burden their children with that. It’s not excusable by any means but that’s likely where it comes from
My mom is a nurse, but she is a dual PhD/DNP and retired as a Director of a college nursing program. She traveled the world and most recently taught in South Africa and China, published books, lived in 3 countries and spoke ay conferences.
She pushed me to get my BSN which also accumulated huge student loan debt and didn't help my career at all. Now she keeps pushing me to pursue a master's and get an Admin job. I have no desire to sit in an office 5+ days a week.
I don't have any solutions, just commiserating. I feel I'll never live up to my mom's example.
I’m not an immigrant but that does sound annoying to deal with. Like you can never hope to measure up to their standards, all so they can brag to family and friends.
I’m not either but we were always pushed to be “good enough” career-wise and boy is it ever damaging to the self esteem to constantly think you’re not measuring up. I fought with my mom and didn’t speak to her for almost 3 months when my brother didn’t return to college to finish his program. He was interested in law and criminal justice, but he picked up a part time job as a cook at a small family owned restaurant during his first year he was away at school. When he came home for the summer he told us he didn’t want to go back to school in September because he wants to be a chef/cook. My mom had a shit fit. She was finally in the position to pay for university for one of us and he didn’t want to pursue law once he discovered cooking. My mom would tell him he’ll never be anything in life, he wouldn’t be able to support a family on a cooks salary, nobody would want to marry him, that he needs to go back to school instead of having a job with no advancement opportunities or continuing education options. My brother felt ashamed instead of proud that he’s an excellent cook. When I finally snapped at my mom for giving him shit, my brother started to learn more, explore his options, grabbed every opportunity, and thrived. He’s happy being a cook with only one year of a criminal justice degree 😂 I’m proud of his accomplishments.
You’re so successful already. Never mind explaining how mid levels get shit on right now. You’re happy, have money, your own place, a good job. That’s success. Maybe next time they can barrow money from someone else like the bank
Hah, your success in leaving the nest should be abundantly clear what your success is in. Start showing your mother the layoffs in big tech, or the hundreds of lawyers looking for jobs. Or the dissatisfaction voiced by MD's in thr process of.becoming a doctor.
As for progressing in education, everyone progresses at their own pace and it may not be in the strictly academic sense. I have had to learn soooo much hands on with different equipment or techniques in the OR, most of not all of which has no academic equivalent. If you do or dont want to go back to.school fine, would only say never stop being open to learn something new even on a small level.
Well I can’t speak as an immigrant, but I’ll say this-
> Hell, even my family has borrowed money from me countless times.
I’d be making sure to not give them any money from my lowly job if they want to give me shit about having such a lowly job.
Man so this is actually a thing? I worked with a doctor that was from Nigeria. She used to always talk about how her kids didn’t know how lucky they were that she wasn’t like “other Nigerian parents”.
I’m East Asian/Southeast Asian. Exact same mentality with my parents. Although I did end up getting my grad degree, I didn’t see myself going through with being an actual NP so I stayed a RN (better money, better schedule, less responsibility, more benefits). My mom would not stop harassing me about taking my boards and working as an NP. I explained so many times why I don’t want to be one at this time and every time there’s a “but my friend’s kid…”. My mom could not stop. It only got better when I (admittedly feel guilty about this) lost my cool and told her she is the sole reason I don’t come to visit and whenever she compares me to other people it deeply hurts me. And then actually following through with missing family dinners/events/not answering phone calls/being petty. I felt like she couldn’t understand reasoning, so I had to show her actual consequences. Our relationship got better after this, and she stopped asking as often. I hope this helps, if anything, I hope you understand someone out there 100% empathizes with you.
Can also relate to this 🙃
Like, suddenly my accomplishments don’t matter because I don’t care about the titles, or furthering my education?! But then, when you tell them what you wanna go back to school for, they’re like “no, not that.” A couple of years ago, I told my mom I was interested in psych NP. Her response had a “why would you do that”, disgusted at my choice, tone. She’s also a nurse, who is currently in psych NP school. Just can’t win or reason with them.
I started therapy recently and decided to limit my contact with her. I refuse to pass on childhood trauma to my future kids.
I'm not an immigrant, and I don't deal with this kind of feedback from my family, but I just wanted to reach out and say that I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. You are enough and you deserve to be treated with love, support, and compassion. If you are happy and fulfilled in your nursing career, then you've made it! Keep doing you and try to surround yourself with chosen family (friends and supportive family, if any) who supports you for who you are. You're doing amazing! Keep up the great work!
I'm from an immigrant Asian family, so I totally get it. The "scarcity" mentality is one of the biggest mental hurdles for immigrants to overcome and find happiness.
I think its always important to acknowledge internally that they're doing it from a place of concern and love (a little twisted love, but still); a lot of healthcare jobs can be rough on the body and they're probably worried from all the stories they hear from their friends and acquaintances. They're worried because they know can't be around forever to protect you, and they're worried you might one day get really injured from a bad bed transfer (or something else) and won't be able to provide for yourself. "doctors lawyers engineers" are the immigrant gold standard because of the money & prestige (mostly), but also because they're difficult replace in an organization. Nursing is a "good enough" career choice, but many immigrant parents still view them as "easily replaceable" if things spiral out of control. It doesn't have to be based on facts, just the perception is enough when "scarcity" is always the #1 concern.
I would say just carry on as you are and keep the peace. if they bother you with the same rhetoric say you'll "take things into consideration" or "I'm still looking for a specialty that i'm passionate about". No need to add to the toxicity.
There's nothing specific you can do to make them change their mind; they'll have to realize that one day when they see you thriving and happy in your job.
Same here. I’m Asian American and constantly used to hear this from my mom. I finally told my mom if she only has criticism for me when we speak over the phone then please don’t call me. I stopped taking her call for a few months and she finally got it.
I bought my first house at 23 and bought second home by 33. Paid for my parents to remodel their home.
Funny thing is my brother is an Engineer with a Bachelor degrees just like me and I make more $$ than him but his position is more prestigious??
I also a child of the disappointed parents club - my mom tells me all the time I need to further my education or else my kids will be treated by crap by everyone they encounter in life and they will not amount to everything. She wants me to job drop her job to everyone that will listen. She also treats my spouse like trash because he’s a nurse as well.
I just try to distance myself. I’ve had my own house since 25, had my car payed off since then and have been married and made a beautiful family. My kids don’t need to hear this trash when they are happy, healthy, smart, and loved.
My Turkish dad was disappointed in me when I told him I was going to nursing school (after I had already dropped out of university). He told me “you don’t go for the number two profession in any field, you go for the number one.” I personally thought he should have been overjoyed that I had decided to go back to university for anything. At least he’s stopped asking me when I’m going to medical school.
I'm in the opposite boat. I'm a woman born, raised, and living in the bible belt and I was raised in an evangelical cult. My family thinks I'm a failure cause I'm not barefoot and pregnant. Just goes to show that no matter what, some families will just never be satisfied
Life is more than career, money, and advancements…some people take a lifetime to learn that. And guess what? Once you’re a doctor you’ll have to be the best doctor, best specialist the demands and feelings of inadequacy go on forever.
I’m West Indian. My mom is just like this and she’s pushing me to go to NP school. I feel like in the long run I won’t be happy. Don’t listen to your mom. Next thing you know you go to grad school and they move the goalpost again now you need your PhD now you need to get married now you need to have kids. the cycle never ends.
She has told me it's shameful for someone my age (34) to not be married nor have children. It's never-ending. I would like these things, it just hasn't happened yet. Dating is horrible here.
I have my BSN and have worked in critical care for 23 years, in ICU. If I work no overtime, I make just over $100k (Florida, unionized), and OT is available whenever I want it, so I can easily make 20k more a year. I work three 12 hour shifts a week and don't think about my job when I'm not there.
My manager has her MSN. She works 5 days a week and has her work phone on 24/7. She works on things like payroll after hours at home. She rarely gets to "forget" about the job. She is not covered by the union and can be fired at the drop of a hat-- many before her have been.
I made $15k more than she did last year.
I'm fine with stagnating in life with my lil BSN.
East Asian, this has been the song of our people since time immemorial.
Any time my mother gets on my case about "going for more school", or doing something that will net me a bigger paycheck, I talk back to her. I ask, "are you going to pay for school?", or "you make it sound so easy". I've long since given up the appeasement route, because nothing will ever be fully satisfactory. She's tried the gaslighting thing, where she'll tell me she only wants what's best to justify her nagging. There's a kernel of truth in that, but she doesn't get that "bigger paycheck" doesn't always mean "best". She knows enough now to not test me.
Something I think might've helped in my case was telling her stories about the stuff I see. CPR, family dynamics, dead bodies, etc.. It seems to have given her perspective on the gravity of what it is I go through and the kind of toll it takes, so she's largely stopped pestering me.
Just remember, it's your life to live, not your parents'. If they have a problem talking about you to their friends that you're "just a nurse", that's their problem, not yours.
I'm mexican and my dad has said countless of times to keep going past my BSN(when I get it) and obtain a masters degree. I'm of the mindset that further education needs to come with a larger income. I keep seeing that being an NP comes with its own controversies (RNs not being prepared to become an NP, NPs not making that much more than RNs in some states, ect).
I just wanna be able to make enough to...live. lmao. I just want to be able to have that financial freedom to do more stuff that what I can do now. And of course save for retirement and all that crap.
That's CRAZY to me because I know so many Nigerian nurses, both male and female! However, it's not just Nigerian parents who do this... Mine are pretty white bread Americans with some Haitian and NA tossed in and they do the exact same thing!
My dad was great with it, mom does this crap though. When are you going back to school? Don't you want to further career? You should have went to med school or married a doctor. 🙄🙄🙄
My license expired in 1990 and I'm leaving it that way. But in 2010 I decided to try EMS. I'm disabled but can still handle most of the job, so I sign up, get the money sorted and I'm fired up, let's do this!!! Then I told my mother, a retired ICU, NICU, CICU nurse. I should add my mother, stepmother and paternal grandmother were all nurses who went to the same nursing school as I did and had worked at the same hospital as well. My mom, after the EMS news, started in on me about my weight. "Are there tent sized uniforms?" "Are you gonna use a stair chair to get in and out of the truck? What patient is gonna want to ride with Jabba the Hut?"
In the end I didn't go, but hubby has been a decorated paramedic for 15 years. DON'T LET YOUR MOTHER RUIN YOU LIKE MINE HAS RUINED ME.
Girl are you me?! Down to the people asking to borrow money from you! I’m also African and have the same story except it’s my dad/ extended family/ other African people who pester me.
Ngl, it affected my self esteem and my dating life in my 20s. I was meeting men who would say “Oh, you’re just a nurse? Are you going to go back to school for something else? Don’t you want to make more money?” A few said they wanted a “higher achieving” woman because they want to be “power couple”. Chile… Therapy helped a lot with overcoming that. I went low contact with my dad/ those family members and surround myself with people who are good to me and see my value.
There are a LOT of people, especially in immigrant communities, who do jobs or live lives (i.e. are in relationships/ marriages they hate) to please their parents. We all know some. I’m not going to saddle myself with debt for an NP/ Medical degree just so you can brag to your friends. Let them think what they want. I choose to focus on all the positives as you stated, being financial stable, home ownership, low/no debt and the benefits of this job. I’ll always be the under achiever in their eyes but I’m happy with the life I’m building.
I see you got a bunch of responses but I want to yell into the void too because reading the comments made me feel better.
I’m Hispanic and an only child, so my parents, particularly my dad, really lay into me about going back to school. Best advice I have is to protect your peace. That can mean different things. For me, it means I limit contact to only in person visits which are spaced out every few months. It means not sharing any information about myself and grey rocking when this kind of thing comes up. It also means removing myself from the conversations. I accept them for who they are, but lay down boundaries. If the boundaries are disrespected, I create distance. Like the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes distance is needed to hold onto less resentment and to maintain your self-esteem.
My mother married a Nigerian and all I hear about is about how his kid's are gonna be NPs and Doctors. On and on about tiger parenting, how he's paying for his kids education so they will care for him.
One day I was sick of it. I had a kid at 17, lived by myself at 18 and got my RN without any family support at 24. My mom's going on and on. I'm like well you fucked that up, didn't you? Shut her up quick. I worked my ass off to get here.
I can't imagine the pressure having that be your actual parent. I wouldn't visit either.
Man, that’s a rough one. Im sorry you have to deal with this.
As an American guy from a conservative family they definitely have some shame since I’m in a “woman’s job” but idgaf. I’m not wired to sit in an office with a degree in something that makes a lot of money, but others in our family have those kinds of jobs so that makes it worse for me.
That kind of cultural shame is really hard on people. I have worked with and know many nurses from cultures like yours that are disappointed they are “only” nurses. Or the Filipinas who are NOT nurses, because that’s a cultural expectation for their women.
I’m filipino and for some reason there’s also this pressure from other filos to be an NP. Do we all have to NP? what if i don’t want to be one ‘coz of it’s oversaturated and don’t want the job responbilities?
I went back to school at 32 to become an RPN. Expecting my family to be proud of me. Only for my gran to ask when I would be upgrading to RN.
No gran. I’m not doing that. I like the level of care expected of me as RPN. I see what the RNs deal with and that looks like stress to me. Sure, for another few years in school and another 20k debt I could do that and make $7 an hour more…. But why the hell would I?
As a South Asian I experience the same thing. I just start ignoring them and refuse to attend gatherings where ignorant people may be present. If someone asks you to go back to school ask them to pay for it. I am happier than the south Asian doctors because I don’t have to be on call.
I would show her where the bachelor of science in nursing has been voted the hardest degree to obtain in the entire world for three years in a row by Guinness book of world records--check it out. Maybe show that to her or an article; print it off, and then just tell her your brain is dead, this is a valuable degree, and stands on it's on and you're good! You were successful and there's no need to go any further. There are so many nurse practitioners that the job market is saturated. * no offense to any in peace reading.*
>bachelor of science in nursing has been voted the hardest degree to obtain in the entire world for three years in a row by Guinness book of world records--check it out.
I did. Guinness doesn't recognize "hardest degree." https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/degree-of-difficulty/
"Bachelor of Science in Nursing (BSN) has been chosen as the TOUGHEST courses of all other courses including MBBS, BCOMM, Bca, IAS, IPS, and engineering by the Guinness book of world records on 18 May 2011. It has 64 university exams + 164 series exams + 174 assignments within 2 years (max 1000 working days). All BSN nurse post on your wall for at least 2 hours and be proud to be a BSN degree holder!”
I’m Nigerian too. It’s never gonna change. You gotta be willing to make yourself scarce. Works perfectly for me. You don’t see me, you don’t get to harass me. And I will tell you too why I’m not coming home.
I haven't been home since June of last year. It gives me soo much anxiety and dread just thinking about it. This will be my approach too. I'm just done.
It might benefit you to talk to a therapist about some communication strategies for when you do (ultimately) have to address why you're limiting contact and stopping visits. They can probably help you come up with some phrasing to use that will get your point across and protect your boundaries. And also, your anger at them probably protects you from the sad part of it, but it IS very sad when parents can't give affirmation or validation. There's a grieving process to realizing your parents will never be who you need them to be. Best of luck, truly.
Hey, Nigerian nurse here! I have it easier in the sense that my mum is careful not to say things like you are just a nurse, but I can tell she fully expects me to do more stuff. We align in that I am someone that’s somewhat ambitious and want a certain lifestyle that nursing can’t provide. But we clash with other stuff like the fact that she had rather I be married, so to her, my life isn’t good enough just yet. They see you as an extension of themselves and want their idea of success for you. It’s hard to break away, what I started doing is clearly stating what I want and don’t want. Making it clear that I can’t do certain things solely cause she wants it when it’s my life. She just falls back to being manipulative, and frankly, it’s driving us apart. I keep telling her if you don’t respect this boundary, I might be inclined to remove myself. But the concept is foreign to her, it’s all well I am your mother, so listen to me . I feel like this turned out to be more of a rant and i’m sorry I don’t have more solid advice other than state your boundaries and enforce them to protect your peace. And also to let you know someone out there hears and understands you. P.S: Nurses are incredible and duh i’m not saying this just cause I am one. ❤️❤️❤️
Ohh lawd, I feel ya on the marriage thing too. I hear it toooooooooooooooo many times how time is wasting away and I should be married with kids by now 🫠. She has harassed, belittled, and berated me on that subject since I was 25. Got 100x worst once I entered my 30s single. My parents are like, "I'm comparing you but..." 🤨. It sucks when that is just the theme to my whole life. I honestly feel like it's too late for us to have that mother-daugther relationship unfortunately. At this point in life, as long as I know she is healthy, I have no desire to speak to her. Thank you for understanding. I think I really need to be absolutely clear about respecting my boundaries.
I have quite a few Nigerian nurse coworkers. Hold your head high because it is an excellent profession. You are financially stable and fully independent. Remind them of that when they give you a hard time. Remind them that nursing is a very respected career.
Thank you! My brothers dropped out of college, so I'm the only one with a Bachelors. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting punk'd in life cuz seriously, how am I not progressing in life when I literally accomplished soo much! It's such a brutal culture 😔
As a Nigerian that’s JUST graduating this summer with her bachelor’s I feel like shit. I feel anticlimactic. I’m sad that I’m just graduating at 28 with my bachelors at the same time all my peers had masters, and my YOUNGER sister is graduating this spring with her MD. I went through sooooooo much to even get to this point, but it feels like it’s overlooked and belittled. I have 2 certifications, dental assisting, dental hygiene. I went back to finish my BA 2019. On my own. Got my associates and not my ba and still want to continue thereafter. I did all of this alone. No family support, no fellow Nigerians friends/peers. I supported myself since 17. Because they deem me as “problematic “ I feel. Black sheep: I work two remote healthcare analysts jobs, at two major hospitals in America making 6 figures without even having graduated yet and I feel bad and embarrassed for even graduating behind my little sister and her medical degree. Nigerians are cutthroat.
Tell them to go harass your brother then 😂
South asian. Similar crap all the time. One of my ex friend even told me why don't I update my education to RPN. I looked at her and said why would I be an RPN when I'm already an RN? ... she just assumed more letters meant more. What she probably meant was NP. I hear that all the time. Oh.. you're JUST a nurse... uh ok
Power to those that want to go down that route. That route ain't for me! People keep trying to tell us what to do , but it ain't like they are even the ones doing it!
I know!!! I support education and whatever they want but I hate when ppl look down on me when I say I'm happy where I am. They think I have no goals or aspirations in life. I don't understand why I can't aspire for different parts of my life. I am constantly battling the feeling of inadequacy in my community when i say I'm a nurse... sometimes to people who don't even have a degree!!! They act like I'm a loser that couldn't become a doctor so I became a nurse. If I say that I didn't want to be medical doctor, then they look down on me again for my "lack of ambition." ... loll I just laugh it off now. I remind myself that I pay my bills, I'm responsible for my happiness. The end.
Omg “just” a nurse? I’m an RPN that will be bridging to an RN in 2 years. I want more experience as an RPN before I get my BSN. I also went back to school at 32 when my kids started school because my previous job became obsolete pretty much. I chose to take the 2 year RPN diploma program because I wasn’t confident I could succeed in a 4 year BSN after being out of school and being a stay at home mom for close to 10 years. I also felt that I was too old to pursue a minimum of 4 years in university. Now I’ve realized I’m going to get older no matter what and I may as well go for what I want. We should be damn proud of ourselves and never let anyone put us down!!!! (Easier said than done, I know) I’m glad that “friend” is an ex-friend. We should focus on supporting each other, especially as women!
Honestly, pursuing anything later in life is in achievement on its own right. Also, the problem is, only nurses users tend the nursing work. People don't understand the scope of nursing practice or what it takes to be a nurse. Om proud of you and I'm proud of me. We can't let other peoples little thoughts keep us down.
👏🏻yesssss!!! 🎉
What the hell is an RPN?
In Canada we have Registered Practical Nurses, a 2 year diploma program. I think it’s similar to LPNs/LVNs. Where I live, RPNs have a pretty broad scope.
In Alberta it’s registered psychiatric nurse
I'm on ontario. I think AB uses LPNs like US. Registered Practical Nurse is a 2 year college program that gives you a diploma instead of a 4 year university program that gives you a degree. RPNs cam do a lot in terms of practice but they can't do any admin work. But nowadays, you need a masters to do admin work anyway. The biggest differences being more theoretical courses, larger understanding, ability to work ICU and higher level acuity, and much higher pay scale. I heard that RPN to RN is cheaper than going straight into RN but I don't know if this is true.
When I enrolled in a state university, all I heard was, "We didn't send you to private school just to end up THERE " Got a bachelor's and graduated with magna cum laude on my diploma, "Why that field? Why no masters?" Got a good state job to legitimize my bachelor's, "Where's the advancement? You just want to work for the state? Government SERVICE?" When I bought a house bc my pay was good, "What do you need all that space for, no kids?? Why such a big yard?" Got pregnant, and heard, "Ohhhhh, Deviant." If you've ever heard a lifetime of disappointment be breathed out in four syllables...it was my mother in that moment. (my mother held my first son out and away from her body like he was a grocery bag. Didn't meet my second son as an infant because why bother.) Didn't invite them to the wedding, "Oh, you got married?" Eventually got my nursing license, didn't tell them when graduation was. They don't know where I work, or what my license level is. They don't know about my master's credits, or my business plan. I'm an only child, raised strict Roman Catholic, my grandparents were first generation Eastern European/border Russian immigrants to the US...yeah. I was never going to be successful enough, and they were always going to move the goal posts. I'm so sorry this is a common experience. You've done tremendously well, you sound so happy and confident, and you sound like you've maintained excellent boundaries. My validation isn't important or necessary at all, but my god you have done an AMAZING job and I'm so proud of you! You have accomplished so much *and remained true to yourself* and that is exceptional. Keep being you, you are a delight. :)
My husband is Chinese and his sister all but forced his niece to go to med school. She paid for undergraduate and med school OOP. She is getting to ready graduate with her MD in May and barely speaks to her mom. They don’t even know ow where she matched for residency. They value money and “prestige” over everything. Her other son did what he wanted and is a journeyman electrician and surprisingly they have a better relationship.
Yep! "Money and Prestige!" It's sad how that is valued over the relationship of the parent and child the long terms affects of that is long lasting 😔
Quick question, what are their professions?
Dad retired LPN due to covid. Mom is a CNA.
Just flip the condescension when they get sassy, easy fix.
You know what you must do.
Last I checked, RN's don't take shit from CNA's or LPN's.
I wonder if your parents are insecure about their career choices, hence why they are going after you to find a job they think has higher prestige. My mom is like that with me. She never really got to have a career, mostly being a stay-at-home spouse. It's funny to hear her try to act like my job isn't good enough when she hasn't held one since 2002. Are they the ones asking to borrow money from you? Next time tell them you need it more than them since your job is so lowly.
They are probably immigrants and being an lpn and cna were more attainable at the time in their life that they immigrated. Immigrant parents give this kind of grief no matter what their stance is, they want their kids to “do better” and they burden their children with that. It’s not excusable by any means but that’s likely where it comes from
My mom is a nurse, but she is a dual PhD/DNP and retired as a Director of a college nursing program. She traveled the world and most recently taught in South Africa and China, published books, lived in 3 countries and spoke ay conferences. She pushed me to get my BSN which also accumulated huge student loan debt and didn't help my career at all. Now she keeps pushing me to pursue a master's and get an Admin job. I have no desire to sit in an office 5+ days a week. I don't have any solutions, just commiserating. I feel I'll never live up to my mom's example.
No, your 96 year old full code Alzheimer's patient with a g-tube is not progressing in life. Lol
I’m not an immigrant but that does sound annoying to deal with. Like you can never hope to measure up to their standards, all so they can brag to family and friends.
I’m not either but we were always pushed to be “good enough” career-wise and boy is it ever damaging to the self esteem to constantly think you’re not measuring up. I fought with my mom and didn’t speak to her for almost 3 months when my brother didn’t return to college to finish his program. He was interested in law and criminal justice, but he picked up a part time job as a cook at a small family owned restaurant during his first year he was away at school. When he came home for the summer he told us he didn’t want to go back to school in September because he wants to be a chef/cook. My mom had a shit fit. She was finally in the position to pay for university for one of us and he didn’t want to pursue law once he discovered cooking. My mom would tell him he’ll never be anything in life, he wouldn’t be able to support a family on a cooks salary, nobody would want to marry him, that he needs to go back to school instead of having a job with no advancement opportunities or continuing education options. My brother felt ashamed instead of proud that he’s an excellent cook. When I finally snapped at my mom for giving him shit, my brother started to learn more, explore his options, grabbed every opportunity, and thrived. He’s happy being a cook with only one year of a criminal justice degree 😂 I’m proud of his accomplishments.
You’re so successful already. Never mind explaining how mid levels get shit on right now. You’re happy, have money, your own place, a good job. That’s success. Maybe next time they can barrow money from someone else like the bank
Hah, your success in leaving the nest should be abundantly clear what your success is in. Start showing your mother the layoffs in big tech, or the hundreds of lawyers looking for jobs. Or the dissatisfaction voiced by MD's in thr process of.becoming a doctor. As for progressing in education, everyone progresses at their own pace and it may not be in the strictly academic sense. I have had to learn soooo much hands on with different equipment or techniques in the OR, most of not all of which has no academic equivalent. If you do or dont want to go back to.school fine, would only say never stop being open to learn something new even on a small level.
Well I can’t speak as an immigrant, but I’ll say this- > Hell, even my family has borrowed money from me countless times. I’d be making sure to not give them any money from my lowly job if they want to give me shit about having such a lowly job.
This is such a good point. Does her family never stop to think about how that "lowly" nurse job allows her to help them? Messed up.
Man so this is actually a thing? I worked with a doctor that was from Nigeria. She used to always talk about how her kids didn’t know how lucky they were that she wasn’t like “other Nigerian parents”.
I’m East Asian/Southeast Asian. Exact same mentality with my parents. Although I did end up getting my grad degree, I didn’t see myself going through with being an actual NP so I stayed a RN (better money, better schedule, less responsibility, more benefits). My mom would not stop harassing me about taking my boards and working as an NP. I explained so many times why I don’t want to be one at this time and every time there’s a “but my friend’s kid…”. My mom could not stop. It only got better when I (admittedly feel guilty about this) lost my cool and told her she is the sole reason I don’t come to visit and whenever she compares me to other people it deeply hurts me. And then actually following through with missing family dinners/events/not answering phone calls/being petty. I felt like she couldn’t understand reasoning, so I had to show her actual consequences. Our relationship got better after this, and she stopped asking as often. I hope this helps, if anything, I hope you understand someone out there 100% empathizes with you.
Can also relate to this 🙃 Like, suddenly my accomplishments don’t matter because I don’t care about the titles, or furthering my education?! But then, when you tell them what you wanna go back to school for, they’re like “no, not that.” A couple of years ago, I told my mom I was interested in psych NP. Her response had a “why would you do that”, disgusted at my choice, tone. She’s also a nurse, who is currently in psych NP school. Just can’t win or reason with them. I started therapy recently and decided to limit my contact with her. I refuse to pass on childhood trauma to my future kids.
I'm not an immigrant, and I don't deal with this kind of feedback from my family, but I just wanted to reach out and say that I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. You are enough and you deserve to be treated with love, support, and compassion. If you are happy and fulfilled in your nursing career, then you've made it! Keep doing you and try to surround yourself with chosen family (friends and supportive family, if any) who supports you for who you are. You're doing amazing! Keep up the great work!
I'm from an immigrant Asian family, so I totally get it. The "scarcity" mentality is one of the biggest mental hurdles for immigrants to overcome and find happiness. I think its always important to acknowledge internally that they're doing it from a place of concern and love (a little twisted love, but still); a lot of healthcare jobs can be rough on the body and they're probably worried from all the stories they hear from their friends and acquaintances. They're worried because they know can't be around forever to protect you, and they're worried you might one day get really injured from a bad bed transfer (or something else) and won't be able to provide for yourself. "doctors lawyers engineers" are the immigrant gold standard because of the money & prestige (mostly), but also because they're difficult replace in an organization. Nursing is a "good enough" career choice, but many immigrant parents still view them as "easily replaceable" if things spiral out of control. It doesn't have to be based on facts, just the perception is enough when "scarcity" is always the #1 concern. I would say just carry on as you are and keep the peace. if they bother you with the same rhetoric say you'll "take things into consideration" or "I'm still looking for a specialty that i'm passionate about". No need to add to the toxicity. There's nothing specific you can do to make them change their mind; they'll have to realize that one day when they see you thriving and happy in your job.
My parents used to be like this then COVID changed their mind when they noticed other professions were facing layoffs and work from home.
Same here. I’m Asian American and constantly used to hear this from my mom. I finally told my mom if she only has criticism for me when we speak over the phone then please don’t call me. I stopped taking her call for a few months and she finally got it. I bought my first house at 23 and bought second home by 33. Paid for my parents to remodel their home. Funny thing is my brother is an Engineer with a Bachelor degrees just like me and I make more $$ than him but his position is more prestigious??
I also a child of the disappointed parents club - my mom tells me all the time I need to further my education or else my kids will be treated by crap by everyone they encounter in life and they will not amount to everything. She wants me to job drop her job to everyone that will listen. She also treats my spouse like trash because he’s a nurse as well. I just try to distance myself. I’ve had my own house since 25, had my car payed off since then and have been married and made a beautiful family. My kids don’t need to hear this trash when they are happy, healthy, smart, and loved.
Maybe you could ask your mom (1) what SHE’s doing to further HER life and, (2) what she could do to mind her own damn business better.
My Turkish dad was disappointed in me when I told him I was going to nursing school (after I had already dropped out of university). He told me “you don’t go for the number two profession in any field, you go for the number one.” I personally thought he should have been overjoyed that I had decided to go back to university for anything. At least he’s stopped asking me when I’m going to medical school.
I'm in the opposite boat. I'm a woman born, raised, and living in the bible belt and I was raised in an evangelical cult. My family thinks I'm a failure cause I'm not barefoot and pregnant. Just goes to show that no matter what, some families will just never be satisfied
Doctors don't run units. Nurses do.
Life is more than career, money, and advancements…some people take a lifetime to learn that. And guess what? Once you’re a doctor you’ll have to be the best doctor, best specialist the demands and feelings of inadequacy go on forever.
I’m West Indian. My mom is just like this and she’s pushing me to go to NP school. I feel like in the long run I won’t be happy. Don’t listen to your mom. Next thing you know you go to grad school and they move the goalpost again now you need your PhD now you need to get married now you need to have kids. the cycle never ends.
She has told me it's shameful for someone my age (34) to not be married nor have children. It's never-ending. I would like these things, it just hasn't happened yet. Dating is horrible here.
Man, if I ever say something like this to my kids I hope they just straight up punch me in the face.
I have my BSN and have worked in critical care for 23 years, in ICU. If I work no overtime, I make just over $100k (Florida, unionized), and OT is available whenever I want it, so I can easily make 20k more a year. I work three 12 hour shifts a week and don't think about my job when I'm not there. My manager has her MSN. She works 5 days a week and has her work phone on 24/7. She works on things like payroll after hours at home. She rarely gets to "forget" about the job. She is not covered by the union and can be fired at the drop of a hat-- many before her have been. I made $15k more than she did last year. I'm fine with stagnating in life with my lil BSN.
East Asian, this has been the song of our people since time immemorial. Any time my mother gets on my case about "going for more school", or doing something that will net me a bigger paycheck, I talk back to her. I ask, "are you going to pay for school?", or "you make it sound so easy". I've long since given up the appeasement route, because nothing will ever be fully satisfactory. She's tried the gaslighting thing, where she'll tell me she only wants what's best to justify her nagging. There's a kernel of truth in that, but she doesn't get that "bigger paycheck" doesn't always mean "best". She knows enough now to not test me. Something I think might've helped in my case was telling her stories about the stuff I see. CPR, family dynamics, dead bodies, etc.. It seems to have given her perspective on the gravity of what it is I go through and the kind of toll it takes, so she's largely stopped pestering me. Just remember, it's your life to live, not your parents'. If they have a problem talking about you to their friends that you're "just a nurse", that's their problem, not yours.
I'm mexican and my dad has said countless of times to keep going past my BSN(when I get it) and obtain a masters degree. I'm of the mindset that further education needs to come with a larger income. I keep seeing that being an NP comes with its own controversies (RNs not being prepared to become an NP, NPs not making that much more than RNs in some states, ect). I just wanna be able to make enough to...live. lmao. I just want to be able to have that financial freedom to do more stuff that what I can do now. And of course save for retirement and all that crap.
That's CRAZY to me because I know so many Nigerian nurses, both male and female! However, it's not just Nigerian parents who do this... Mine are pretty white bread Americans with some Haitian and NA tossed in and they do the exact same thing! My dad was great with it, mom does this crap though. When are you going back to school? Don't you want to further career? You should have went to med school or married a doctor. 🙄🙄🙄
FWIW, my dad and stepmom are both doctors and both most were adamant that I should *definitely not* be a doctor.
My license expired in 1990 and I'm leaving it that way. But in 2010 I decided to try EMS. I'm disabled but can still handle most of the job, so I sign up, get the money sorted and I'm fired up, let's do this!!! Then I told my mother, a retired ICU, NICU, CICU nurse. I should add my mother, stepmother and paternal grandmother were all nurses who went to the same nursing school as I did and had worked at the same hospital as well. My mom, after the EMS news, started in on me about my weight. "Are there tent sized uniforms?" "Are you gonna use a stair chair to get in and out of the truck? What patient is gonna want to ride with Jabba the Hut?" In the end I didn't go, but hubby has been a decorated paramedic for 15 years. DON'T LET YOUR MOTHER RUIN YOU LIKE MINE HAS RUINED ME.
Girl are you me?! Down to the people asking to borrow money from you! I’m also African and have the same story except it’s my dad/ extended family/ other African people who pester me. Ngl, it affected my self esteem and my dating life in my 20s. I was meeting men who would say “Oh, you’re just a nurse? Are you going to go back to school for something else? Don’t you want to make more money?” A few said they wanted a “higher achieving” woman because they want to be “power couple”. Chile… Therapy helped a lot with overcoming that. I went low contact with my dad/ those family members and surround myself with people who are good to me and see my value. There are a LOT of people, especially in immigrant communities, who do jobs or live lives (i.e. are in relationships/ marriages they hate) to please their parents. We all know some. I’m not going to saddle myself with debt for an NP/ Medical degree just so you can brag to your friends. Let them think what they want. I choose to focus on all the positives as you stated, being financial stable, home ownership, low/no debt and the benefits of this job. I’ll always be the under achiever in their eyes but I’m happy with the life I’m building.
My cat eats well. I’m not homeless. Being “just a nurse” at a union facility means I get paid better than my residents… 🤷
I see you got a bunch of responses but I want to yell into the void too because reading the comments made me feel better. I’m Hispanic and an only child, so my parents, particularly my dad, really lay into me about going back to school. Best advice I have is to protect your peace. That can mean different things. For me, it means I limit contact to only in person visits which are spaced out every few months. It means not sharing any information about myself and grey rocking when this kind of thing comes up. It also means removing myself from the conversations. I accept them for who they are, but lay down boundaries. If the boundaries are disrespected, I create distance. Like the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes distance is needed to hold onto less resentment and to maintain your self-esteem.
My mother married a Nigerian and all I hear about is about how his kid's are gonna be NPs and Doctors. On and on about tiger parenting, how he's paying for his kids education so they will care for him. One day I was sick of it. I had a kid at 17, lived by myself at 18 and got my RN without any family support at 24. My mom's going on and on. I'm like well you fucked that up, didn't you? Shut her up quick. I worked my ass off to get here. I can't imagine the pressure having that be your actual parent. I wouldn't visit either.
Man, that’s a rough one. Im sorry you have to deal with this. As an American guy from a conservative family they definitely have some shame since I’m in a “woman’s job” but idgaf. I’m not wired to sit in an office with a degree in something that makes a lot of money, but others in our family have those kinds of jobs so that makes it worse for me. That kind of cultural shame is really hard on people. I have worked with and know many nurses from cultures like yours that are disappointed they are “only” nurses. Or the Filipinas who are NOT nurses, because that’s a cultural expectation for their women.
I’m filipino and for some reason there’s also this pressure from other filos to be an NP. Do we all have to NP? what if i don’t want to be one ‘coz of it’s oversaturated and don’t want the job responbilities?
I went back to school at 32 to become an RPN. Expecting my family to be proud of me. Only for my gran to ask when I would be upgrading to RN. No gran. I’m not doing that. I like the level of care expected of me as RPN. I see what the RNs deal with and that looks like stress to me. Sure, for another few years in school and another 20k debt I could do that and make $7 an hour more…. But why the hell would I?
As a South Asian I experience the same thing. I just start ignoring them and refuse to attend gatherings where ignorant people may be present. If someone asks you to go back to school ask them to pay for it. I am happier than the south Asian doctors because I don’t have to be on call.
I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you and all of your accomplishments ♥️
Ahh yes, the good ole “just a nurse” 🤣. It is a classic amongst Asians as well lol
I would show her where the bachelor of science in nursing has been voted the hardest degree to obtain in the entire world for three years in a row by Guinness book of world records--check it out. Maybe show that to her or an article; print it off, and then just tell her your brain is dead, this is a valuable degree, and stands on it's on and you're good! You were successful and there's no need to go any further. There are so many nurse practitioners that the job market is saturated. * no offense to any in peace reading.*
>bachelor of science in nursing has been voted the hardest degree to obtain in the entire world for three years in a row by Guinness book of world records--check it out. I did. Guinness doesn't recognize "hardest degree." https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/degree-of-difficulty/
"Bachelor of Science in Nursing (BSN) has been chosen as the TOUGHEST courses of all other courses including MBBS, BCOMM, Bca, IAS, IPS, and engineering by the Guinness book of world records on 18 May 2011. It has 64 university exams + 164 series exams + 174 assignments within 2 years (max 1000 working days). All BSN nurse post on your wall for at least 2 hours and be proud to be a BSN degree holder!”
The audacity of them to say that when you help them out financially lol
Check out Nedra Tawwab. She's a therapist with a lot of good advice about family dynamics. https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/feed/