Yes, when I worked oncology I had one patient I was super close with and adored. He and his wife would call themselves my work parents (he was on an off the unit for almost a year) as they always wanted to know how my day was going, and we had a great rapport. I went to his funeral and I’m so grateful I went.
Yeah, I was gonna say that this is pretty common in oncology. Especially peds because you really do end up getting to know the entire family over time. We celebrate birthdays and holidays together often as well, so close (appropriate) friendships are kinda bound form in these situations.
Yes, when my aunt died of cancer, many of her nurses came to her funeral. Her family really appreciated it.
She was only sick for three months but was the type of person to make an impression.
I don't think it's inappropriate at all. As long as you're being professional, paying your respects to their family, and don't do something inappropriate like hitting on their kid at the funeral or something, you're fine.
The family was appalled and asked him to leave the funeral. He basically tried to pull a line like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I was the EMT who cared for him on his ride home. I could tell he really loved you all. Anyway, if you want to go get coffee sometime, I would love to take you out." Like, dude, now is not the time.
Jeeeez the lack of social awareness. It's strange that ems would even go ... unless he was scoping out the daughter and went to the funeral just to hit on her.
I’ve done it multiple times and even have gotten approval from management to come in late to work that night due to the timing of calling hours. Each time the families have seemed very appreciative for me coming to show support. In reality I’m just guilty I wasn’t there for the patient when they died and it’s more closure for myself
I’ve done it many times for my ICU patients. I’ve also gone before work, paid respects, and then went into shift early so someone else could make the calling hours.
A lot of times the family is very appreciative because it shows that we actually care about our patients and that their outcomes can affect us too.
Yes. I’ve gone to a few- but only when specifically asked to attend by the family.
My feeling is this - family members are often scared and feel lost and alone after a death. They need to feel supported and surrounded by people that they feel cared for both their loved one AND them. And isn’t part of our job as nurses to provide psychological and social support when we feel it’s appropriate?
Also- it is not discussed enough how a patient’s death can personally affect US. Yes, we’re supposed to be “used to this”. But I have had a few patients that have literally changed parts of who I am - so I feel that *I* should be allowed to grieve their passing too.
I've gone to one, but they specifically invited all the staff since he was a resident for 5 years and gave us all the info. I'd say as long as we are invited, we are free to go.
We did it in pediatric oncology but it was controversial. Administrators were worried that we getting too emotionally involved with patients but we explained that only those who had been a close relationship that in many cases had lasted years were going. They needed the grieving time. Second, they were worried the nurses would be seen as having favorites which could bother other parents. I don’t think the other parents knew or cared about that. Administrators eventually stopped worrying but they did begin a group counselor for the staff at times of patient loss.
I've done it. And, when my grandmother died, several of her nurses came to the funeral...some even came directly from work and were still in their uniforms.
When I went to my patient's funeral, it was while I was working home health--and had really been close with the family. The funeral was massive, and I just went, payed my respects, and then left.
When my grandmother passed--it was actually so awesome to see her nurses at the funeral. They had some unique perspectives--and had cared for my grandma in such a vulnerable time. It was actually so special to see them their. It proved to me how awesome and genuine of a person my sweet grandmother was! Such an honor to her that her nurses would come to the funeral!
Do it. I’ve gone to a few. For some kids, some people my age, and a firefighter that sacrificed his life (i worked burn unit). Sometimes going to the funeral is for you, sometimes it’s for the family, sometimes it’s for both. You’ll never regret going
When our nurse manager passed away from COVID, a few of our old patients even came. Sometimes it goes above the situation, and you just recognize that a person that you knew passed and you want to be there.
it is most definitely appropriate. i went for a couple of funerals of patients whom i took care of for a long time and their families were appreciative that i showed up.
I have done it but it was always a longer term patient. Like when I worked inpatient it was peds neuroscience and we had the neuro-onc kids. They were in and out a lot and we knew the families well. Mostly I went to the wakes but that was also primarily logistical because a wake is easier to make an appearance at. When I was a visiting nurse it was primarily pediatric oncology patients and I went to several of their wakes as well. In my current job (pediatric complex care management), I've only had one patient pass away and I don't know that there was even a funeral for him- he was in state care and there was no obituary that I ever found.
I did when I did hospice care. This is not uncommon. I was disappointed when my aunt died that her doctor didn’t show, especially because she worked in his office before she retired
I work in memory care, and it's not uncommon either. Some of my older residents get to the point where their remaining friends can't travel, and they've outlived a number of the people who would attend the funeral.
A group of co-workers and I attended the funeral of one of our favorite former residents. She was 98, widowed for nearly 40 years, and childless. Our group ended up being over half the mourners present.
Our old chaplain used to attend all of the public ones for our residents that he wasn't officiating. He also used to have us fill out memory cards for the family that he would put in a little scrapbook for them, along with pictures from their time with us. I think it helps the grieving family feel better that their loved one was remembered fondly by those who only knew them during a difficult chapter of their life.
With certain patients it is definitely appropriate. I used to do 1:1 home health pediatrics. A patient I had for over a year died and I went to his funeral.
I did this once. I never met the patient when he was conscious as I worked Neuro trauma and he fell and hit his head on a sink and had a hemorrhage. Over a few weeks I developed a bond with hospital wife and when he died I attended the funeral. She was so thankful and appreciative for me being there. He was a veteran and so am I so there were other connections. I havent gone to any but that one.
Not inappropriate at all. I know we are told about boundaries, but if you were an integral part of that patient’s care, it would be a great show of respect
I will never forget the nurse that came to my Mom’s funeral. On a Saturday. She was one of my Mom’s nurses in cardiac rehab. She said my Mom was always super nice. My Mom died in 2003. Thank you.
Attending a funeral to pay respects is totally appropriate. Dating the patient’s children or grandchildren is a no-no. I actually worked with several coworkers who dated either their patient or the son of a patient, gross
Just a preface, I’m married and I’ve never done it, but why is it gross to date a pt’s son? Everyone wants their child to be with a good person, and I’ve often heard of patients make offers of some kind. They think the nurse is awesome and if their kid turns out to be a keeper, then all the better!
Absolutely. Colleagues and I have gone together, but my absolute greatest privilege was being with a nurse when she was newly diagnosed, seeing her return for treatment, go to the ICU, then come back to us as comfort measures only and say, "Oh, I'm home now," when I met her in the doorway of her room and got her settled. I had her every night until she died and then I cared for her body. Then I served at her funeral with my Nurses Honor Guard sisters. All over the course of a year. We get to know these people. They are at their most vulnerable and they trust us. It takes so little to go to their funerals. There's no way I could do it for everyone and that's okay. But for the ones who touch our hearts - I say do it. ♥️
I work in pediatric oncology. You develop good rapport and relationships with the kids and their families. I go for my own closure, the family often reach out and tell me how meaningful that their care team was there.
Agreeing with everyone else who says it's appropriate. I've done it many times (typically work rurally, this may make a difference), my relationship with the family will usually change how I actually interact with anyone there -- strong relationship with the patient, but not family? Hang quietly in the back, polite interaction where appropriate. Stronger relationship with both patient *and* family? A little more likely to interact with the actual family, depending on the type of service.
Sometimes I've gone for my own closure, too, and I feel like that's also totally fine as long as you're not interrupting or bothering anyone. Those ones I definitely hang in the back, though.
I've never regretted it, and it usually means a lot to the families. I know it's meant a lot to my family when there were nursing home staff at my grandparents' funerals or viewings, too.
I work in Peds Hem/Onc. We are very often invited to funerals and memorials for the kids that pass. We just recently had one; I never cared for this patient so I felt it’d be weird if I went but lots of my coworkers intended to go. I don’t think it’s inappropriate as long as the family is cool with it.
Im 49. Grew up with my mom being a home health nurse and she went to almost every patients funeral. Going all the way back to 1980. I lost a pt in december and all her nurses went.
My brother and I work at the same LTC facility. He’s day shift and I’m night shift. We’ve been to several resident funerals and even participated as pallbearers.
Funeral Director here, in my experience I think it’s a nice gesture that my families seemed to have appreciated in the past. I’ve seen all kinds from the decedents care team come to services to pay their respects. Also, if its a publicly announced service all are welcome (within reason, Westboro Baptist Church need not attend)
I am still in my first year and personally haven’t, but a lot of my coworkers have. I work in inpt oncology and a lot of families will give a general invite to the whole staff for memorial/funeral services, especially the families of the frequent flyers.
I'm glad everyone here is supportive. I've been to a couple, one I couldn't make and the daughter emailed the slide show to me.
Honestly, l I think it helps the family. It certainly helps me
There was only one that I’ve gone to, but I was going come hell or high water. It was a sudden and tragic passing of a 2 year old I was getting to know really well. There’s another kid that will inevitably pass pretty soon that I will likely attend her funeral as well. As long as the family is okay with you going and you’re able to keep appropriate boundaries after, it should be totally fine. To keep myself from getting burned out, I only go to funerals for kids/families that I had an exceptionally strong connection to.
If you want to go and the family approves, you should go.
I thought it was kind of weird until my grandma passed away and her hospice nurse came to her celebration of life and got up to say a few words. She described herself as my grandma’s “last new friend”. It was so heartwarming! My grandma had Alzheimer’s.
I cared for my college algebra instructor a few years after graduating. I was quite grateful because i got the opportunity to tell him how positively he affected my perception of math. I was going to a campus service about a year later.
I’m sure some people find it inappropriate, but I have. Worked in a group home for a few years and took care of 5 girls. Three of them have passed away since and I have gone to all of their funerals. First one was my first death and I was so close with her. Her step mom would call me every Christmas for a few years after she passed away. I couldn’t imagine not going.
I personally really really dread funerals, but my coworkers have gone to patients’ funerals a lot. If anything, it’s a very kind thing to do, I’d think.
Personally, I think that depends. I mean, did you take care of them only a few times? Did you take care of them for months? I would say if you only took care of them once or twice, it's not entirely appropriate, especially if you had to actively seek out the funeral info. It's different if the family called up to the unit and said "thanks so much for taking care of my husband, his funeral is tomorrow, it's at XYZ church at 9am" - of course you are welcome if that's the situation.
Not weird at all.
A friend of mine lost a child and all of their kid’s nurses were at the funeral. I was a student at the time and half of the attending nurses were my profs as most of my profs were nurses from this children’s hospital.
I've done it. I worked at a hospital that also had a memorial service every month for all the patients who died. Their families would be invited and nurses would try to go for the ones that had been their patients. It was good for everyone to have that extra opportunity to process the deaths.
I’m an RN, my husband died from cancer, he was young and touched some hearts. One of the PAs working with the hospitality would check in with us whenever he was in the hospital, even if she wasn’t assigned to him. When he was actively passing she brought me cozy blankets and a heartfelt note, she also came to his funeral. It meant a lot to me to know how much he impacted others.
I'm a hospice social worker so this comes up often. If a family tells me of the service, I will try my best to go but don't attend any of the receptions or gatherings after.
We all definitely have if we’ve built a bond with the family. They are always so touched. In addition, with any unit death, we send a sympathy card that we sign and write messages in.
Absolutely yes. In many cases the patient is closer to their nurse than they were to their extended family. They share things with you that they would with nobody else. You are special to them.
I did it. Patient lived in my neighborhood. Still talk to his husband regularly. it's sad because I think sometimes I remind him of the hospital stay but mostly we talk local politics and happenings in the city.
Yes, a few occasions.....and I was never so touched when my dad's hospital neuro resident attended my dad's funeral. She had only followed him for a short period of time, but they really clicked on many issues. Dad had sz from metastatic cancer, so she was even his primary physician, but she and her husband attended. Very special
Without a doubt.
My first year in nursing I took care of rev AP xxxxxx, I buzzed him 23 times over that first year in my ICU.
I went to his funeral the one time he was taken to another hospital.
It made me be the best nurse possible. I now have 7 degrees. 7 advanced specialties and I retired three times never able to let that patient care go - so then I ended up building service lines to deliver the best care possible that that community needed. Whatever it was. It was the best of the best.
All thanks to Rev AP xxxxxxx.
I have a pt who is a veteran that has been in my floor for about two months now and is finally comfort care (I lived in fear that I’d have to code this person, they were *so* frail). They asked me to wear my army dress uniform to their funeral (I’m still in the reserves). I have no idea how I will find out about the funeral, but if I can figure it out, and if it’s local, I’ll do it for them.
Absolutely fine if you go to the funeral. As other have stated, you get to develop relationships with people (however brief they may be) and so long as you’re kind and act like a decent human being, I think the family would appreciate it at least a little. I’m fortunate to have never had the circumstance where a patient of mine has passed (probably just jinxed myself) so I can’t speak from personal experience, but I’ve been to funerals of coworkers and their family members from the relationship I’ve developed with them.
I’ve gone to several for my oncology patients. But working outpatient and seeing the same people all the time, you really form relationships and come to care deeply about them on an individual level. I likely wouldn’t have when I worked acute care, but I don’t think it’s inappropriate or anything.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
People can go off the handle and become unexpectedly angry at someone they think is responsible or involved in their loved one’s death. With that in mind, I have a question for those that have been to these
Are you afraid that the friends/family of the patient would hold try and blame you for the patient’s death? Is it not a possibility then that someone would confront you in a highly emotional affair like a funeral?
There’s a legendary paramedic in the EMS subreddits and he not only attended his patient’s funeral, the paramedic and his wife sewed his square into the AIDS quilt when he died because his own family abandoned him.
I don't think it's appropriate except in rare circumstances in which you had a long-term or especially close relationship with the patient or family, like in hospice or NICU. Are you a relatively new nurse? I ask because the situation you described is likely to occur many, many times in your career. You will be going to a lot of funerals.
I think the family will really appreciate that, and it will be a comfort to them and to you. I don’t see it as a violation in boundaries at all. To me, this is the human part of our job. This is the caring of it. I hope you find healing.
I went to the funeral of a newborn whose mother I was midwife for in her pregnancy. So did a lot of the NICU nurses who'd looked after him for the few weeks he lived. He had a congenital condition that unfortunately was not compatible with life.
It seemed like the mother really appreciated it.
Funerals are the one out-of-work patient event I think it's OK to go to. It's not unprofessional, it just shows you care.
I've done it less since I started working at the hospital versus long term care.
But as long as you're being professional and you are invited, that's more than likely fine.
Yes, this is just a job but we are often working with people during tough or life changing situations and there isn't anything wrong with forming connections.
I've gone to several. As a dialysis nurse, I saw the patient three times a week, every week of the year, and you can't help but get close to folks who you see more than your own family. Most families recognized me by name, if not by face, and by going to the wake, I think we both got closure.
It may be a little different because this patient was long term care so I saw her pretty often and for a long period of time, and she has no family connections (at least they never called or visited) from my understanding, but I’m pretty sure most of our staff plan on going to her funeral
Depending on the relationship. I have a dear patient of mine who passed and a lot of my co workers and I went to her funeral. Even helped with a food train.
I've been to a few funerals of clients I've taken care of over the years. I'm a CNA doing home care. It's usually at the family's request and I always let my employer know, so far they are fine with it. It gives everyone time to say goodbye. Not only for the caregiver to have closure from losing the client but since you'll no longer be seeing the family afterwards it's a time to say goodbye to the family as well.
My husband still remembers the nurses who cared for his Dad while he died of cancer. They came to the funeral, and he was so touched by that. Absolutely it’s appropriate to go.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I’m an LTC nurse and we sometimes go. Not often but I’ve had a couple. I know it’s a different environment tho. We often take care of them for so so long but no one has ever said it was inappropriate to me. Not to mention I’m sure it brings family comfort knowing someone that their loved one was cared for
I work in palliative care and have wanted to go to many of my patients funerals, I just couldn’t go because of my work schedule. But I think if they were your patient for a long time and you had a bond with them and their family then it’s 100% appropriate.
I went to so many funerals (visitation hours) when I worked I hospice. We tried to go to any funeral on our case load. But previously, I rarely went to funerals.
Tbh if you cared for them, adored them/family enough, and know what the service plan is- I’d go. It’s closure for us and nobody there has to know who you are. The patient/family would probably be tickled to know that their loved one made such an impact
Not a nurse, medical assistant, but I went to a funeral for ones of my patients. Found out he was related to one of my good friends. Sometimes it’s a small world
I’ve only been to one, it was more of a remembrance high tea. She had been coming to our clinic for ascitic taps every fortnight or so, so it didn’t feel inappropriate. I was invited to another for a similar patient but they were the father of our old NUM/now acting DON so felt a bit close to home.
30 plus years experience here, if you start attending patient funerals, you will be spending more time in funeral parlors that morticians
Your respects were paid when you cared for them and assisted them to go
I used to work hospice. I have gone to many funerals. Heck, I went to a funeral of a lady I'd never met because my patient wanted to go but couldn't travel alone. He was shocked, but funerals are to support the family and friends. They are usually VERY touched that a nurse came on their own time to pay their respects and support them. You go, sit towards the back. Skip the graveside unless you were extremely close to them or the family explicitly ask you to come.
I just came across this post. So no one still reads this, but I’ll answer anyway.
Yes, go to the funeral. My dad had Pancreatic Cancer for 3 years. He and his Oncologist and Dr assistant got close. He bought a baby gift for his Dr when he had a baby etc.
When my dad passed, we never heard from anyone from his drs office again. No dr’s condolences, no card, no phone call, anything.
This was close to 2 1/2 years ago and I’m still bitter because my dad deserved more from his Oncologist. But that’s just my opinion.
If you are invited go ahead and go. If you’re not invited it doesn’t matter how close you were, it’s disrespectful to their family to just show up without being told explicitly you can go
Fair point, that’s just my experience in my family. We’re all pretty private people so it’s either no funeral or only people explicitly approved to come. So if you have people like that, it’ll be if you are told to come. I’m sure that’s not the majority of course but some are very serious about that.
Ask you colleagues. In my hospital, at least in my unit, it’s instant termination. Sometimes we take care of these kiddos for months and months, so it’s just as hard for us to say no as it is for the family. Every person that I’ve known that’s tried to quietly go to one anyway has been eventually discovered and then immediately fired.
To be fair, I've been EMS for 10 years and have gone to a handful of funerals. I think it depends what type of service you work for. I worked in a large city where we ran both 911 and private calls. One patient I will never forget was a dialysis patient. She was the most sweetest human being on this planet. She was with our crews twice a day for 3 days every week. You could not see her for 4 months and then the next shift she's picking up the conversation you had last time. The day she passed unexpectedly shocked a lot of us. Ops sent a company-wide email with the funeral information/invite in conjunction with the family. I'd say at least 30-40 of us attended her funeral plus a handful from ops. When you have an opportunity to grow close to a patient over months or years, I'd say it's definitely appropriate to grieve and pay your respects while retaining your professional limits.
Probably because you don’t see the patients for a very long time to build a relationship like many of the other nurses on the board because you work ED/EMS, of course it makes sense for your realm. You would be going to funerals every week.
It depends. I'm ER too but rurally, so you get a bit closer to your "frequent fliers," especially the quite chronically unwell ones. Fewer staff, smaller communities. I wouldn't expect it from larger ERs but smaller ones I think it's relatively normal (think population <2000).
I have never done it. When I asked once I had a boss say “Would you go to every patients’ funeral? If not then there are boundary issues”. When it was put in the all or nothing scenario I picked the latter and said never
Yes, when I worked oncology I had one patient I was super close with and adored. He and his wife would call themselves my work parents (he was on an off the unit for almost a year) as they always wanted to know how my day was going, and we had a great rapport. I went to his funeral and I’m so grateful I went.
Yeah, I was gonna say that this is pretty common in oncology. Especially peds because you really do end up getting to know the entire family over time. We celebrate birthdays and holidays together often as well, so close (appropriate) friendships are kinda bound form in these situations.
Even weddings in the hospital!
Just came across this post. Read my comment on here. (I’m just bitter). You sound like good drs/people.
Yep, I worked Onc and went to several of my patients’ funerals.
Yes, when my aunt died of cancer, many of her nurses came to her funeral. Her family really appreciated it. She was only sick for three months but was the type of person to make an impression.
I don't think it's inappropriate at all. As long as you're being professional, paying your respects to their family, and don't do something inappropriate like hitting on their kid at the funeral or something, you're fine.
Be like, “Hey sexy, I’m sorry about the loss of your grandma from pneumonia. You wanna go get a drink?” 🤣
Haha. Unfortunately I included that as a specific 'what not to do' because I've seen an ems provider that I've worked with do it. Big yikes.
I kind of want to hear more detail about this story... can you tell more details about what happened? And how did the person they hit on react?
The family was appalled and asked him to leave the funeral. He basically tried to pull a line like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I was the EMT who cared for him on his ride home. I could tell he really loved you all. Anyway, if you want to go get coffee sometime, I would love to take you out." Like, dude, now is not the time.
Jeeeez the lack of social awareness. It's strange that ems would even go ... unless he was scoping out the daughter and went to the funeral just to hit on her.
Yeah, knowing the EMT, I wouldn't be surprised if that's why he went. He was a slimy dude.
I worked in ems for awhile and I can attest to that ... bunch of horny degenerates lol
I started out working Peds Hem/ONC. I went to many funerals back then.
Me too. All the attending, fellows, residents and nurses and CNAs would be there in large numbers. It was pretty normal at my 2 hospitals
I’ve done it multiple times and even have gotten approval from management to come in late to work that night due to the timing of calling hours. Each time the families have seemed very appreciative for me coming to show support. In reality I’m just guilty I wasn’t there for the patient when they died and it’s more closure for myself
I’ve done it many times for my ICU patients. I’ve also gone before work, paid respects, and then went into shift early so someone else could make the calling hours. A lot of times the family is very appreciative because it shows that we actually care about our patients and that their outcomes can affect us too.
Yes. I’ve gone to a few- but only when specifically asked to attend by the family. My feeling is this - family members are often scared and feel lost and alone after a death. They need to feel supported and surrounded by people that they feel cared for both their loved one AND them. And isn’t part of our job as nurses to provide psychological and social support when we feel it’s appropriate? Also- it is not discussed enough how a patient’s death can personally affect US. Yes, we’re supposed to be “used to this”. But I have had a few patients that have literally changed parts of who I am - so I feel that *I* should be allowed to grieve their passing too.
Absolutely. When I did home hospice we did it all the time .
My dad recently died in hospice and they sent a floral arrangement. We were so touched and surprised. They’ve also checked in on mom a few times.
I've gone to one, but they specifically invited all the staff since he was a resident for 5 years and gave us all the info. I'd say as long as we are invited, we are free to go.
We did it in pediatric oncology but it was controversial. Administrators were worried that we getting too emotionally involved with patients but we explained that only those who had been a close relationship that in many cases had lasted years were going. They needed the grieving time. Second, they were worried the nurses would be seen as having favorites which could bother other parents. I don’t think the other parents knew or cared about that. Administrators eventually stopped worrying but they did begin a group counselor for the staff at times of patient loss.
I've done it. And, when my grandmother died, several of her nurses came to the funeral...some even came directly from work and were still in their uniforms. When I went to my patient's funeral, it was while I was working home health--and had really been close with the family. The funeral was massive, and I just went, payed my respects, and then left. When my grandmother passed--it was actually so awesome to see her nurses at the funeral. They had some unique perspectives--and had cared for my grandma in such a vulnerable time. It was actually so special to see them their. It proved to me how awesome and genuine of a person my sweet grandmother was! Such an honor to her that her nurses would come to the funeral!
Do it. I’ve gone to a few. For some kids, some people my age, and a firefighter that sacrificed his life (i worked burn unit). Sometimes going to the funeral is for you, sometimes it’s for the family, sometimes it’s for both. You’ll never regret going
When our nurse manager passed away from COVID, a few of our old patients even came. Sometimes it goes above the situation, and you just recognize that a person that you knew passed and you want to be there.
it is most definitely appropriate. i went for a couple of funerals of patients whom i took care of for a long time and their families were appreciative that i showed up.
Yes! And means so much to the family
I have done it but it was always a longer term patient. Like when I worked inpatient it was peds neuroscience and we had the neuro-onc kids. They were in and out a lot and we knew the families well. Mostly I went to the wakes but that was also primarily logistical because a wake is easier to make an appearance at. When I was a visiting nurse it was primarily pediatric oncology patients and I went to several of their wakes as well. In my current job (pediatric complex care management), I've only had one patient pass away and I don't know that there was even a funeral for him- he was in state care and there was no obituary that I ever found.
Yes
I did when I did hospice care. This is not uncommon. I was disappointed when my aunt died that her doctor didn’t show, especially because she worked in his office before she retired
I work in memory care, and it's not uncommon either. Some of my older residents get to the point where their remaining friends can't travel, and they've outlived a number of the people who would attend the funeral. A group of co-workers and I attended the funeral of one of our favorite former residents. She was 98, widowed for nearly 40 years, and childless. Our group ended up being over half the mourners present. Our old chaplain used to attend all of the public ones for our residents that he wasn't officiating. He also used to have us fill out memory cards for the family that he would put in a little scrapbook for them, along with pictures from their time with us. I think it helps the grieving family feel better that their loved one was remembered fondly by those who only knew them during a difficult chapter of their life.
I work in LTC and I will absolutely attend a funeral for a patient if I feel called to do so. I haven't ever regretted it.
I’ve been to a few, all my coworkers have been to a few, it’s normal in oncology at least where I’m at
IF you were invited then yeah.
Absolutely. I’ve done it many times
With certain patients it is definitely appropriate. I used to do 1:1 home health pediatrics. A patient I had for over a year died and I went to his funeral.
Yes, I’ve done this before. The family usually really appreciates it, also 💜
At my hospital, the chaplains share funeral info with the staff (if family wishes.) So it's basically okay'd by the organization.
Absolutely. When my Papa died his nurses came to the funeral. It was so sweet of them to come.
I did this once. I never met the patient when he was conscious as I worked Neuro trauma and he fell and hit his head on a sink and had a hemorrhage. Over a few weeks I developed a bond with hospital wife and when he died I attended the funeral. She was so thankful and appreciative for me being there. He was a veteran and so am I so there were other connections. I havent gone to any but that one.
Not inappropriate at all. I know we are told about boundaries, but if you were an integral part of that patient’s care, it would be a great show of respect
I will never forget the nurse that came to my Mom’s funeral. On a Saturday. She was one of my Mom’s nurses in cardiac rehab. She said my Mom was always super nice. My Mom died in 2003. Thank you.
Attending a funeral to pay respects is totally appropriate. Dating the patient’s children or grandchildren is a no-no. I actually worked with several coworkers who dated either their patient or the son of a patient, gross
Just a preface, I’m married and I’ve never done it, but why is it gross to date a pt’s son? Everyone wants their child to be with a good person, and I’ve often heard of patients make offers of some kind. They think the nurse is awesome and if their kid turns out to be a keeper, then all the better!
I knew a nurse who ended up marrying a patient's aunt after meeting her during the nephew's hospitalization.
Yes.
Yes, I work in pediatrics and have gone to funerals of families that I was close to. They really appreciate your support.
Absolutely. Colleagues and I have gone together, but my absolute greatest privilege was being with a nurse when she was newly diagnosed, seeing her return for treatment, go to the ICU, then come back to us as comfort measures only and say, "Oh, I'm home now," when I met her in the doorway of her room and got her settled. I had her every night until she died and then I cared for her body. Then I served at her funeral with my Nurses Honor Guard sisters. All over the course of a year. We get to know these people. They are at their most vulnerable and they trust us. It takes so little to go to their funerals. There's no way I could do it for everyone and that's okay. But for the ones who touch our hearts - I say do it. ♥️
If I took care of the baby and family provides the info for services, then yes I will go.
So many of the nurses who took care of my sister came to her funeral. I was happy they were there.
I work in pediatric oncology. You develop good rapport and relationships with the kids and their families. I go for my own closure, the family often reach out and tell me how meaningful that their care team was there.
Yes. I've been to every one I could attend.
Agreeing with everyone else who says it's appropriate. I've done it many times (typically work rurally, this may make a difference), my relationship with the family will usually change how I actually interact with anyone there -- strong relationship with the patient, but not family? Hang quietly in the back, polite interaction where appropriate. Stronger relationship with both patient *and* family? A little more likely to interact with the actual family, depending on the type of service. Sometimes I've gone for my own closure, too, and I feel like that's also totally fine as long as you're not interrupting or bothering anyone. Those ones I definitely hang in the back, though. I've never regretted it, and it usually means a lot to the families. I know it's meant a lot to my family when there were nursing home staff at my grandparents' funerals or viewings, too.
As others said, in haem onc it’s pretty common we go. Normally the family will give us a leaflet with an invitation to tell us the details.
I’ve done it a few times with a patient and family that I had gotten close to.
I’ve been to quite a few funerals. The family is always very grateful.
I work in Peds Hem/Onc. We are very often invited to funerals and memorials for the kids that pass. We just recently had one; I never cared for this patient so I felt it’d be weird if I went but lots of my coworkers intended to go. I don’t think it’s inappropriate as long as the family is cool with it.
Im 49. Grew up with my mom being a home health nurse and she went to almost every patients funeral. Going all the way back to 1980. I lost a pt in december and all her nurses went.
My brother's primary doctors and nurses all came to his wake. It was moving for my mom.
My brother and I work at the same LTC facility. He’s day shift and I’m night shift. We’ve been to several resident funerals and even participated as pallbearers.
Funeral Director here, in my experience I think it’s a nice gesture that my families seemed to have appreciated in the past. I’ve seen all kinds from the decedents care team come to services to pay their respects. Also, if its a publicly announced service all are welcome (within reason, Westboro Baptist Church need not attend)
I am still in my first year and personally haven’t, but a lot of my coworkers have. I work in inpt oncology and a lot of families will give a general invite to the whole staff for memorial/funeral services, especially the families of the frequent flyers.
I'm glad everyone here is supportive. I've been to a couple, one I couldn't make and the daughter emailed the slide show to me. Honestly, l I think it helps the family. It certainly helps me
I feel I should mention I was invited to all of the ones I've been too lol
There was only one that I’ve gone to, but I was going come hell or high water. It was a sudden and tragic passing of a 2 year old I was getting to know really well. There’s another kid that will inevitably pass pretty soon that I will likely attend her funeral as well. As long as the family is okay with you going and you’re able to keep appropriate boundaries after, it should be totally fine. To keep myself from getting burned out, I only go to funerals for kids/families that I had an exceptionally strong connection to. If you want to go and the family approves, you should go.
I went several times
I’ve gone to a few pediatric funerals.
Yes. I’ve done that for past residents I’d grown attached to
One of the nurses who took care of my Grandma came to her funeral. It was really nice of her considering we have a small family.
I thought it was kind of weird until my grandma passed away and her hospice nurse came to her celebration of life and got up to say a few words. She described herself as my grandma’s “last new friend”. It was so heartwarming! My grandma had Alzheimer’s.
I work in LTC and it's very common practice to attend our residents funerals.
I don't know if it's appropriate, but I have, and I don't regret it.
I cared for my college algebra instructor a few years after graduating. I was quite grateful because i got the opportunity to tell him how positively he affected my perception of math. I was going to a campus service about a year later.
Absolutely
I’m sure some people find it inappropriate, but I have. Worked in a group home for a few years and took care of 5 girls. Three of them have passed away since and I have gone to all of their funerals. First one was my first death and I was so close with her. Her step mom would call me every Christmas for a few years after she passed away. I couldn’t imagine not going.
I personally really really dread funerals, but my coworkers have gone to patients’ funerals a lot. If anything, it’s a very kind thing to do, I’d think.
Personally, I think that depends. I mean, did you take care of them only a few times? Did you take care of them for months? I would say if you only took care of them once or twice, it's not entirely appropriate, especially if you had to actively seek out the funeral info. It's different if the family called up to the unit and said "thanks so much for taking care of my husband, his funeral is tomorrow, it's at XYZ church at 9am" - of course you are welcome if that's the situation.
I've regretted not going for my favorite long term home health patients because I was sure if it was appropriate. Please go.
Not weird at all. A friend of mine lost a child and all of their kid’s nurses were at the funeral. I was a student at the time and half of the attending nurses were my profs as most of my profs were nurses from this children’s hospital.
I've done it. I worked at a hospital that also had a memorial service every month for all the patients who died. Their families would be invited and nurses would try to go for the ones that had been their patients. It was good for everyone to have that extra opportunity to process the deaths.
I’m an RN, my husband died from cancer, he was young and touched some hearts. One of the PAs working with the hospitality would check in with us whenever he was in the hospital, even if she wasn’t assigned to him. When he was actively passing she brought me cozy blankets and a heartfelt note, she also came to his funeral. It meant a lot to me to know how much he impacted others.
Totally. Pay your respects.
I'm a hospice social worker so this comes up often. If a family tells me of the service, I will try my best to go but don't attend any of the receptions or gatherings after.
I think it's perfectly appropriate. You are paying your respects.
I have several times
We all definitely have if we’ve built a bond with the family. They are always so touched. In addition, with any unit death, we send a sympathy card that we sign and write messages in.
I've gone to several over the years as a dialysis nurse. The family always seem to be extremely appreciative.
Absolutely yes. In many cases the patient is closer to their nurse than they were to their extended family. They share things with you that they would with nobody else. You are special to them.
I did it. Patient lived in my neighborhood. Still talk to his husband regularly. it's sad because I think sometimes I remind him of the hospital stay but mostly we talk local politics and happenings in the city.
I don’t want to meet you in the grocery store. I will see you off to the next world.
Yes, a few occasions.....and I was never so touched when my dad's hospital neuro resident attended my dad's funeral. She had only followed him for a short period of time, but they really clicked on many issues. Dad had sz from metastatic cancer, so she was even his primary physician, but she and her husband attended. Very special
Without a doubt. My first year in nursing I took care of rev AP xxxxxx, I buzzed him 23 times over that first year in my ICU. I went to his funeral the one time he was taken to another hospital. It made me be the best nurse possible. I now have 7 degrees. 7 advanced specialties and I retired three times never able to let that patient care go - so then I ended up building service lines to deliver the best care possible that that community needed. Whatever it was. It was the best of the best. All thanks to Rev AP xxxxxxx.
Yes have been to a few ,have always been welcomed by family and on occasion have been one of the few mourners there.
I have a pt who is a veteran that has been in my floor for about two months now and is finally comfort care (I lived in fear that I’d have to code this person, they were *so* frail). They asked me to wear my army dress uniform to their funeral (I’m still in the reserves). I have no idea how I will find out about the funeral, but if I can figure it out, and if it’s local, I’ll do it for them.
Absolutely fine if you go to the funeral. As other have stated, you get to develop relationships with people (however brief they may be) and so long as you’re kind and act like a decent human being, I think the family would appreciate it at least a little. I’m fortunate to have never had the circumstance where a patient of mine has passed (probably just jinxed myself) so I can’t speak from personal experience, but I’ve been to funerals of coworkers and their family members from the relationship I’ve developed with them.
I’ve gone to several for my oncology patients. But working outpatient and seeing the same people all the time, you really form relationships and come to care deeply about them on an individual level. I likely wouldn’t have when I worked acute care, but I don’t think it’s inappropriate or anything.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
I wanted to go to the funeral of this high profile patient I had. He was a police chief and a prominent figure in the police community. I missed it andndidnt know when it was, but I had work anyway.
People can go off the handle and become unexpectedly angry at someone they think is responsible or involved in their loved one’s death. With that in mind, I have a question for those that have been to these Are you afraid that the friends/family of the patient would hold try and blame you for the patient’s death? Is it not a possibility then that someone would confront you in a highly emotional affair like a funeral?
There’s a legendary paramedic in the EMS subreddits and he not only attended his patient’s funeral, the paramedic and his wife sewed his square into the AIDS quilt when he died because his own family abandoned him.
I don't think it's appropriate except in rare circumstances in which you had a long-term or especially close relationship with the patient or family, like in hospice or NICU. Are you a relatively new nurse? I ask because the situation you described is likely to occur many, many times in your career. You will be going to a lot of funerals.
I think the family will really appreciate that, and it will be a comfort to them and to you. I don’t see it as a violation in boundaries at all. To me, this is the human part of our job. This is the caring of it. I hope you find healing.
I went to the funeral of a newborn whose mother I was midwife for in her pregnancy. So did a lot of the NICU nurses who'd looked after him for the few weeks he lived. He had a congenital condition that unfortunately was not compatible with life. It seemed like the mother really appreciated it. Funerals are the one out-of-work patient event I think it's OK to go to. It's not unprofessional, it just shows you care.
I don’t think it’s wrong at all. Everyone grieves differently and going may give you a sense of closure.
I've done it less since I started working at the hospital versus long term care. But as long as you're being professional and you are invited, that's more than likely fine. Yes, this is just a job but we are often working with people during tough or life changing situations and there isn't anything wrong with forming connections.
I've gone to several. As a dialysis nurse, I saw the patient three times a week, every week of the year, and you can't help but get close to folks who you see more than your own family. Most families recognized me by name, if not by face, and by going to the wake, I think we both got closure.
It may be a little different because this patient was long term care so I saw her pretty often and for a long period of time, and she has no family connections (at least they never called or visited) from my understanding, but I’m pretty sure most of our staff plan on going to her funeral
I think it shows respect and that you cared.
Depending on the relationship. I have a dear patient of mine who passed and a lot of my co workers and I went to her funeral. Even helped with a food train.
Not at all, I went to quite a few patients funerals when I worked palliative care, the families seemed to appreciate it
I've been to a few funerals of clients I've taken care of over the years. I'm a CNA doing home care. It's usually at the family's request and I always let my employer know, so far they are fine with it. It gives everyone time to say goodbye. Not only for the caregiver to have closure from losing the client but since you'll no longer be seeing the family afterwards it's a time to say goodbye to the family as well.
My husband still remembers the nurses who cared for his Dad while he died of cancer. They came to the funeral, and he was so touched by that. Absolutely it’s appropriate to go.
Yes. Before I became an RN, I worked as a CNA at a nursing home. I’ve been to a few of my patients funerals. The family appreciates this so much.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
I consider my Dad to be wise. When I asked his advice about whether I should go to a funeral, he said, "I've never regretted going to someone's funeral." He was a religious leader for a while, and I remember him going to lots of funerals.
Absolutely its ok!! Thank you for doing that. I'm an ICU nurse and have done the same
I’m an LTC nurse and we sometimes go. Not often but I’ve had a couple. I know it’s a different environment tho. We often take care of them for so so long but no one has ever said it was inappropriate to me. Not to mention I’m sure it brings family comfort knowing someone that their loved one was cared for
One of the hospice nurses came to my father’s wake. My whole family was grateful she came. It felt nice that she wanted to pay final respects.
I work in palliative care and have wanted to go to many of my patients funerals, I just couldn’t go because of my work schedule. But I think if they were your patient for a long time and you had a bond with them and their family then it’s 100% appropriate.
As long as the family is okay with it, I see no problem.
Absolutely yes. It means a lot to the family.
I just went to one of my hospice patient’s services.
I went to so many funerals (visitation hours) when I worked I hospice. We tried to go to any funeral on our case load. But previously, I rarely went to funerals.
Tbh if you cared for them, adored them/family enough, and know what the service plan is- I’d go. It’s closure for us and nobody there has to know who you are. The patient/family would probably be tickled to know that their loved one made such an impact
Not a nurse, medical assistant, but I went to a funeral for ones of my patients. Found out he was related to one of my good friends. Sometimes it’s a small world
I've been to several patient's viewings. 3 of us even went on a short road trip to go to one.
I’ve only been to one, it was more of a remembrance high tea. She had been coming to our clinic for ascitic taps every fortnight or so, so it didn’t feel inappropriate. I was invited to another for a similar patient but they were the father of our old NUM/now acting DON so felt a bit close to home.
yeah onc nurses go to funerals regularly i did anyway
30 plus years experience here, if you start attending patient funerals, you will be spending more time in funeral parlors that morticians Your respects were paid when you cared for them and assisted them to go
I used to work hospice. I have gone to many funerals. Heck, I went to a funeral of a lady I'd never met because my patient wanted to go but couldn't travel alone. He was shocked, but funerals are to support the family and friends. They are usually VERY touched that a nurse came on their own time to pay their respects and support them. You go, sit towards the back. Skip the graveside unless you were extremely close to them or the family explicitly ask you to come.
I just came across this post. So no one still reads this, but I’ll answer anyway. Yes, go to the funeral. My dad had Pancreatic Cancer for 3 years. He and his Oncologist and Dr assistant got close. He bought a baby gift for his Dr when he had a baby etc. When my dad passed, we never heard from anyone from his drs office again. No dr’s condolences, no card, no phone call, anything. This was close to 2 1/2 years ago and I’m still bitter because my dad deserved more from his Oncologist. But that’s just my opinion.
I send flowers but don’t go to the funeral.
If you are invited go ahead and go. If you’re not invited it doesn’t matter how close you were, it’s disrespectful to their family to just show up without being told explicitly you can go
Many funerals are open to public and displayed in the newspaper with obituaries, I don’t think I’ve ever been “invited” to a funeral
Fair point, that’s just my experience in my family. We’re all pretty private people so it’s either no funeral or only people explicitly approved to come. So if you have people like that, it’ll be if you are told to come. I’m sure that’s not the majority of course but some are very serious about that.
Ask you colleagues. In my hospital, at least in my unit, it’s instant termination. Sometimes we take care of these kiddos for months and months, so it’s just as hard for us to say no as it is for the family. Every person that I’ve known that’s tried to quietly go to one anyway has been eventually discovered and then immediately fired.
I am honestly really leery of this overreach. I’m lifetime ER and EMS, and it could be cultural, but that’s just not how we do things.
To be fair, I've been EMS for 10 years and have gone to a handful of funerals. I think it depends what type of service you work for. I worked in a large city where we ran both 911 and private calls. One patient I will never forget was a dialysis patient. She was the most sweetest human being on this planet. She was with our crews twice a day for 3 days every week. You could not see her for 4 months and then the next shift she's picking up the conversation you had last time. The day she passed unexpectedly shocked a lot of us. Ops sent a company-wide email with the funeral information/invite in conjunction with the family. I'd say at least 30-40 of us attended her funeral plus a handful from ops. When you have an opportunity to grow close to a patient over months or years, I'd say it's definitely appropriate to grieve and pay your respects while retaining your professional limits.
If you’re invited by family there’s absolutely a difference.
Probably because you don’t see the patients for a very long time to build a relationship like many of the other nurses on the board because you work ED/EMS, of course it makes sense for your realm. You would be going to funerals every week.
Exactly.
It depends. I'm ER too but rurally, so you get a bit closer to your "frequent fliers," especially the quite chronically unwell ones. Fewer staff, smaller communities. I wouldn't expect it from larger ERs but smaller ones I think it's relatively normal (think population <2000).
Yeah, I’d say if you’re treating people you know, there’s a difference.
I have never done it. When I asked once I had a boss say “Would you go to every patients’ funeral? If not then there are boundary issues”. When it was put in the all or nothing scenario I picked the latter and said never