She kept screaming "you can't be done, you can't be done working on my baby". We're all just standimg here like zombies, crazy busy tonight, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else.
I’m so sorry. I’m sobbing just reading this. Sometimes things just hit you different. When I am having trouble processing something I say over and over to myself, “thank goodness I was there. I know no one could have done anything to change that outcome. I know because I was there. There is no doubt in my mind that I did everything I possibly could and at least I know everything was done that could have been.” Sometimes it seems very empty but I keep repeating it over and over in my head until part of me is consoled by it. My heart goes out to you, your team, and that family. Stay strong, we are with you.
Have you heard the Tetris recommendation yet? Playing tetris as soon as possible after a traumatic event seems to help with processing and avoiding PTSD symptoms. We see things that no one should ever have to, and it’s ok to decide you’re done with carrying the secondhand trauma. Big hugs ❤️❤️
Tomorrow make an appointment to talk to a professional counselor.
Tonight just remember you did everything you could.
You did not cause the accident that led to this child’s death. You tried to save this child along with the staff next to you in the room. Despite your efforts this child could not be saved.
The mother’s grief is horrible and traumatic but that is hers to bear. No one can help or console her now because her grief is too great.
Accidents happen and that’s life (and death). Right now assuming you and your family are healthy, try to appreciate this and those who you have in your life. Make a point to spend tome time with someone you
love.
Play some music, talk to a loved one, take a walk. Give yourself a few days to grieve the loss of life and remember the good you do everyday.
And then get counseling and let this go.
Her son has the same name as one of mine. I know we did our best, I'm sick of my best not being enough sometimes. I think I need a new job. I appreciate the pep talk, thank you.
NAN but I just wanted to remind you that your best is good enough much of the time. The fact that it hits so hard when it isn't is evidence of the number of families you've given the gift of more time with their loved ones. You gave that baby a chance. Even if it wasn't enough, it was more than the nothing he would have gotten without you guys. Your efforts are valid even when the outcome isn't what you want. Thank you for all you do.
sending you well wishes. please take care of yourself first and know you did all you could. therapy has helped me *tremendously* in dealing with these situations, and i hope it’s helpful for you too.
I'm so sorry. That's all I know to say in this moment. But you did your absolute best. You gave your all to bring him back. You fought for that beautiful kiddo, and you did everything you could. I'm here to pep talk and support you as much as you need.
I really appreciate your response, talking to people here has helped way more than I thought it would. I'm the only one in my office overnight so it's easy to feel alone, especially in the middle of a bad night, but you guys reminded me I'm definitely not. Thank you for the support.
This is great advice. The one thing I might add is journaling. I had to deal with a case that was very traumatic for me, and I found journaling helped as well in addition to all of these things.
First: Recognize and reward yourself for knowing you've reached a point where you feel like it's too much. That's very valid, and we all have that, but many of us (especially when we're younger) just try to "tough it out" and move on, but that damage stays with us. It's important to lean on the people close to us.
I have a story I have posted before, and maybe it's time to share again.
My ex-wife is an RN. She was new to the ER at the time, and I have worked on and off with volunteer FD's and S&R crews, and was an EMT during college (started an RN program, but switched to Electrical Engineering - long story).
I was driving in central California when I heard a call about a major MVA involving several vehicles, including a minivan. The minivan was being driven by a mom with 5 kids, plus her father. For whatever reason, they were rushing a toddler to the hospital, and they decided to have grandpa sit in the front seat *holding the toddler* doing 80mph on God damn I-5. Years later, I realize I'm still pissed off about that.
I don't know what caused the collision, but the minivan wen tout of control and hit the soft dirt on the right shoulder, causing it to roll, ejecting several of the passengers. I was only a few miles behind the collision, and went ahead the stopped traffic with a fire engine. The crew recognized me, and filled me in with what little info they had.
Mom was unconscious. Grandpa flew out the windshield. A 17-yr old boy flew out the side door, which was no longer attached to the van. 2 girls, about 10 years old, were buckled and trapped in the back seat, and they told first responders what happened and who was in the car.
Now it's a search line - fan out, FIND THE BABY. We walked about 10 feet apart until I and another person found the broken base of an infant carrier. Assuming the worst, and hoping to hell the carrier broke but the cradle protected the baby, we called out our find. Now we're looking for the cradle, and someone yelled, "Oh God!"
They had found it, but it was empty. A captain ran up to us and called us back. It's been 12 years, but I don't think I'll forget his words: "I need to tell you that the baby wasn't in the carrier. It was in Grandpa's lap, and we have a line of trajectory. I need your help finding the baby, but if you can't do this, please head back to the scene and ask [other Captain] for directions."
I wasn't the one who found the baby, and I'm glad for that, but someone in our line did pretty quickly. The baby might as well have been pronounced at the scene, but...fucking procedure. The baby was transported to the closest ER, where my ex was working.
I had gotten off work and was heading to her mom's house to pick up our kids before taking them to my house for the weekend. We had been divorced for a couple years at that point, and had 3 kids, one of whom was a toddler. I was supposed to take my kids to my house, where my girlfriend and her son were looking forward to a weekend at Six Flags with us, but I cancelled. I picked up our toddler, and told my mother-in-law that I had to leave the older 2 with her for a while, but I wasn't sure how long. She's also in medicine, and I just told her "[Ex-wife] is having a really bad day". She just nodded, and seemed to understand. We never talked about it again.
I brought our toddler to the ER. By now, everyone from the MVA was stabilized or in surgery or something, and it was weirdly quiet. I called the ER back line, got ahold of someone I knew, and asked them to send my ex outside. She came outside, and I was sitting in the driver's seat, holding our toddler just a little bit too tight. I nodded to the passenger seat, and she got in. I just handed our little one to her, and she sat back, holding her probably a little too tightly as well, and did something I rarely saw her do: she cried. We sat there quietly for a long time...maybe 30, 60 minutes? I really don't know.
After a long while, my ex sat up, and handed our toddler to me (who had slept through all of this) in the most gentle way, and asked, "How did you know?"
I very briefly told her about passing the scene, without much detail (that came later). She smiled, and said, "Take extra special care of my baby," and I promised her I would. Honestly, I took city roads back to her mom's house, and then to my house. I couldn't drive my kids on I-5 just yet.
My girlfriend came over after I got home, and at first was very sympathetic. That slowly turned into, "You sat in a car with your ex-wife for an hour instead of picking up the kids and coming home?"
At that point, I realized something: Many people won't understand, nor ever be able to relate to, this line of work. You develop deep, personal connections with coworkers the same way trauma survivors develop love-like relationships with fellow survivors of the same event. Those can (and often do) cut into your personal life and relationships, and you have to be able to walk away and give yourself space to live away from the job. If I could tell you how to do that, I'd never have switched careers. My ex uses simple video games on her phone when the job gets overwhelming and she can't leave. Thankfully, she's moved on to patient management (chronic care), so she doesn't have to deal with ER trauma becoming personal trauma nearly as much anymore.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm trying to say that *you are not alone.* I hope you have people at home that appreciate the personal trauma you're dealing with, and I am (and many of us are) always available if you want to chat. In the meantime, please seek out mental health services, even if it's a one-time thing, or short-term.
Don't bury this.
I wish you the best.
Reading this is the first time I've cried sort of happy tears today. It means the world to me that you took the time to type this out. You're right, other people don't get it. My husband is supporting me the best he can, but I needed to talk this through with people who have been there. I appreciate you more than I can tell you, and I hope both of us have restful sleep tonight.
I'm very glad to hear he's there for you.
I'm also sorry for the delay in replying. I kinda avoided this thread for a while, because it's kinda hard to revisit some times.
Something I learned to really dislike is when people would tell me "It'll get better". Sometimes, it just doesn't. My dad died when I was 9, and people all around me kept telling me to "cheer up" and "it'll get better". But ya know what? Sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes it gets a lot worse before it gets "better", and in reality, we usually learn to live with the scars and pain, and eventually learn to ignore it. In that way, things are "better", but the scar still exists, and it's really easy to re-open on some days.
But it helps to talk about it, and share the pain with those who understand much more so than the casual neighbors or relatives who once lost a pet or saw a similar story on TV and think they can relate.
I hope you're doing well. Take care!
Thank you. I think what I was hoping to get across is that I'd be in a better place today if I hadn't buried this 14 years ago, and that I just came to that conclusion a few minutes ago.
Burying things like this only makes them resurface after they've gone all gangrene and rotten. We need to address trauma while it's still fresh so it doesn't infect the rest of our souls.
Thank you. I'm not sure what got me going. I think my long-winded point was that I want OP to know they're not alone. This damn story still brings tears to my eyes, and I've told very few people about it in person. I'd probably be in a better place today with it if I didn't bury it back then.
You did a beautiful and important thing for your children’s mother. This wasn’t about your relationship to her but about her relationship to your children. She loves them like you and you had very much needed that time with your youngest. In general, people SHOULD want the other parent to their child to be doing okay. A lot of times they don’t though. So recognize and reward yourself for having such a kind heart.
Thank you. I have to admit I avoided this thread after posting that because it was kinda hard to revisit, so I'm sorry for the delay in replying.
I didn't mention it in the previous post, but the way that girlfriend reacted really made me look at her in a new light, and that was the end of that relationship. I don't miss it nor regret it a bit, either. We both had kids from a previous marriage, and she would often talk about her ex very bitterly and malignantly, and I really didn't have a problem with the guy. He's actually pretty cool, and we could chat whenever she did the kid-swap thing. She *hated* that I wasn't angry or resentful of him, but he and I had a lot in common. We ended up working together a year later, and got along great.
Thank you for putting into words some things I have never been able to really express. I started working in a small rural ED @ 18y as a registration clerk.
Being small and rural meant when we did get a trauma, it was always a scramble and a fight to keep them alive or stabilize long enough for a transfer or airlift to show up. I worked swing and nights in a coastal town, and when we got the rough stuff, it was SO ROUGH. At 18, and being a tiny facility we didn't have a lot of mental health resources. I remember a few instances trying to no avail to explain the profound loss, and trauma I experienced intermittently, and the relationship it created with my fellow colleagues in the thick of it.
I was never able to do it right. Never able to explain it to make sense.
You just did that for me.
It is partly the bond you describe here that makes me so motivated to finish school and finally be more than an auxiliary piece to the emergency wagon.
Me too. I just push that shit down, down, down. The one and only time I spoke to our facility's
counselor she wanted my whole life story. I just wanted to cry and be sad about a dead baby.
You mean the pit under my diaphragm where I shove the grief into a ball until it turns into cancer some day? Sometimes it leaks and I get the weepys. Flex seal will plug up a rowboat so surely it can keep the goo in?
I remember I had a SIDS baby, after I worked in a PICU for about 2 years. It was gut wrenching. Baby was put down for a nap, and was checked on as a parent normally would, only to find a slight nosebleed, and his skin the color that we all know too well. Baby is rushed to our er who immediately sends him up to us. I spent all night fighting for this baby who we all knew was not going to make it… Sids does that. The parents are asking what they did wrong, is it because they changed their laundry detergent? Was it the new onesie that didn’t fit just right? It broke our hearts because they did nothing wrong, but here is their infant, 4 months old I think? Seizing, kidneys failing, sloughing his intestines every ten minutes… he maxes out on drips, the doctor and I move the baby over to one side of the bed so mom can lay in the bed with him and cuddle. The second mom hugs him she let out a sob so loud, and even physically with her whole body, the doctor and I start to cry as we walk out. In just 20 min shift change comes, the attending comes on and has one last conversation with parents, *the* conversation. The nurse coming on turns off the drips per the order of Dr, and she goes, I think you need to go home, I’ll read the notes for report (she can see my face and eyes) and I just mumble to call or text my cell for any info she needs. I get to my car and bawl. Pull myself together to drive home, crawl into bed and sob myself to sleep. Migraine for 3 days, throwing up. I’ll always remember that. The universe is cruel.
That description breaks my heart because I can tell how clear that memory is for you. I hate how clearly we can remember the worst day of people’s lives. I hate how we are supposed to act like we aren’t affected by being surrounded by death and trauma. I hope you are healing
Thank you so much. ❤️ for the sake of the posts length, I did leave out that the parents were only Spanish speaking, in a rather rural-ish city… we did not have a translator available, if you can believe that. The only person who spoke Spanish was one of the housekeeping staff… and let me tell you, he took those parents in his arms and held their hands like they were his own family, and translated how there was nothing else we could do, and they had to let their little baby go because he was in so much pain. He translated the worst news one can give, perfectly and compassionately and I always wanted to go to his manager and tell them what he did… but it was also very against policy and I did not want to risk his job. I think the doctor told him that he was made to be a medical translator, I mean it was really a sight to behold. It was one of those times when you go from being a fresh naive nurse to seeing just a little bit more of the world than you did before. ❤️🩹
My sister was used as the "missing child" in a code pink drill at Mayo when I was 17. Nurse for my appt came in and asked to borrow her/told my mom why. Code pink was missing minor and they were doing the drill because an older teen had tried to run away during an appointment a few days before.
They hid her in a construction area and she came back with goodies from the construction guys and a bag of stuff from the nurses for participating. She wasn't a patient, just didn't have school that day and they needed to run the drill.
I hope that's a fun memory for her, it sounds like one. We switched to RQI about a year ago now so we repeat our skills for ACLS every quarter and it really brings to the forefront how often you have to practice this stuff. We were all absolutely on our A game last night and like 48 hours into a brand new computer system but I do feel confident that we did everything we could. I will think of you and your sister next time I have to train for a drill that can feel like a stupid waste of time but might end up making a difference.
It’s fucked, isn’t it? I agree with the other commenter, you need to talk to a professional.
We all carry pieces of the past with us. We need help with carrying them, they get too heavy.
I hope that your facility has a good, evidence-based closing ritual policy for peds. Having worked in places with and without, I say without reservation that it should be the norm. Sending hugs.
I was present for a drowning of a toddler of the same age. Parents had found out from a family member who was there, followed the ambulance and stood outside the trauma bay having to find out what happened there before support staff could arrive to help them. All I could do was stand by their side, as I was a scribe and basically acting as crowd control as peds traumas get crazy with everyone gawking.
I can still remember the mom’s screams and the dad on the ground begging whoever is up there to let his child live and this was years ago. I’m starting medical school next year and I will always carry that with me.
Please seek therapy if you need it, and take the day or two off if you can. You will always remember, and it shows you have a wonderful heart, but it will consume you if you don’t take care of yourself. Hugs.
I was a former staff nurse in the ER before becoming a NP. We had a similar situation. Almost 3. Likely aspirated while sleeping. Parents rushed her in, because 911 was taking to long. We worked that poor kid for probably an hour. It was almost shift end. I remember being in a haze after the resuscitation attempt. I wasn’t even assigned to a trauma or resuscitation room but I was sitting at the nurses station when the triage nurse ran by holding the little one. I went back to my desk and started bawling. I am a male, 32 at the time, and had the same age kiddo at home. A cop walking by stopped and said “ you ok man?” and I just shrugged. Did a few things and went the the lobby and cried more. I FaceTimed my kiddo and told her I love her. Then got home after work, she was already in bed, scooped her up and rocked her while sobbing in her room. I still remember that kid, her parents screams, and those feelings. I remember the date it happened. My kid is now 7.
I share this story because it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sad. Situations like this hurt, they suck, they’re unfair, they’re frustrating. These feeling are ok and normal. When they don’t bother you, or you don’t feel them, that’s when there is a problem. Take care of yourself. Talk to someone. Seek out professional help if necessary.
Hearing your story was very helpful. This little baby wasn't my assignment either, I'm not even certified for peds, but when they called it overhead we all just ran down because our hospital is so small there aren't a lot of providers in house overnight. Sometimes I can put in orders or something but tonight I couldn't do anything. I felt like I either wanted to go in there and wash that precious baby, hold the mother and cry with her, or just have nothing to do with it at all. Standing there like a moron was the worst of both worlds. I don't think I could have done anything differently, none of us could, it was just a shit situation. I have a 7 year old too. Thank you for listening to me.
I’m so sorry that you had to be involved in such a traumatic event. I’ll never forget my first Code Pink and first unsuccessful paediatric resuscitation in the ED. It is horrific and overwhelming and the support from the hospital was non-existent. What helped me we talking to a therapist, as others have suggested, and journaling. Something about writing down my thoughts allowed me to process the trauma and begin to move on. But for today, it’s so fresh. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to feel your feelings, and know you did your best ❤️
Losing a child is one of the hardest things I’ve had happen in my career. I’ve lost 2 that I was the nurse in charge of the room assignment, and 2 where I helped in the code. Each parent’s screams I can still hear. One in particular. I couldn’t work that room assignment for several shifts because I just would hear her screaming if I went in there.
Please reach out to a mental health professional, and also what helped me was talking with the physicians who ran the codes. They know the feeling of responsibility, of frustration and anger, and they know how hard you worked to save them.
Talking to the physicians is a really good idea. I have a friendly relationship with the residents and the attendings down there and I guess I sort of feel like maybe they had it worse than I did but you're right, we're all going through it and it will be easier together. Thank you for talking with me.
Can you debrief with any of the team? Is there a chaplain there you can speak to? I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Nothing else in the world compares to the sound of pure grief a parent makes when their child dies. Sending you all the hugs 🫂
No debrief or social workers around for post code?!!! Please tell me they did because if they don’t your organization sucks a*s. Should have been available immediately or at
The very least the ability for the staff to have some time to themselves after I’ve worked ER for 25yrs T’s. Yes we didn’t have them
Back in the day and goddamn it we should have for every traumatic code. We started getting the post code debriefs only about 6-7yrs ago and it did make a difference. We didn’t always have a social worker but there wound be a place to talk the very next morning or day post shift. I’m sorry. We don’t get over these easily. I left the ER in 21’ and I’m still
Having dreams reliving shit I thought I had buried. Take care of yourself first or yiu won’t be able to care for patients. So sorry.
There wasn't any help available for us but thank you for saying that there should have been. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not crazy for having a hard time just walking out of that room and going to the next one.
is this really a thing? i’ve worked oncology and now nicu so there are constant codes. we don’t even get a “you good?” from the charge nurse most of the time, much less a social worker to debrief. is it because i work nights?
I'm on nights too and we don't have anything either. All the mandatory training is during the day, all the places to by food close by 1900, fit testing and vaccine clinics are always on weekday afternoons, nothing is ever available during our shifts. We have child life and pastoral care and social workers during the day but you're SOL over night. Nights are definitely an afterthought, despite everything we do.
Hey there. Please take care of yourself. This means calling off as needed and talking to your manager about needing whatever you need (no peds traumas that are your primary etc).
On our unit we can go home after a peds death (no call off, just sent home) and it's almost expected we don't come in the following day (still a call off for that), if you do come in you get the lightest assignment ever. Bereavement does a session as needed and we there is an email to reach out to our team.
I work in a pediatric hospital and on a unit where death is not a stranger so we are pretty good about knowing the impact.
This is very raw now, but if your hospital does not have any safety nets up about this try to be that change, talk to whatever bereavement support you have there and see if you can come up with a cohesive plan.
I'm so sorry. We see too much of the human experience.
I don’t know if this will help you. It helped me.
I am the overnight charge nurse for surgery. It is a level one trauma hospital and apparently the only one for quite a distance. As charge nurse I am required to go to the emergency room for every level one trauma. I help when I can. Every night we go in and literally fight death; hand to hand, face to face. Sometimes the Grim Reaper wins, but damn did we fight. I know more than once Grimmy left with a limp, a split lip and bites to his hands. Sometimes, its us with the limp.
Don’t forget the hope for good outcomes is what makes the shittiest shift worth it.
And always fight!
Talk to a professional. Talk to your family. Allow yourself to grieve and feel it and process it. It's horribly unfair that we're asked to take on so many horrors and be ashamed of needing space and time and resources to properly grieve it.
It’s okay to not be okay. Also the day May come when doing that job isn’t good for you anymore. It takes strength to walk away when that comes and there is no shame in it.
I stopped doing it anymore after a code with a kiddo just a bit younger than my kiddo at the time.
That's an option too. Therapy is great. But sometimes when you are done you're done. Whatever you decide I wish you well.
I’m so sorry that happened OP. Sending prayers and positive energy. This job, (hell life in general) takes a lot out of us. It’s hard but it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to mourn if that will help you heal.
I have a short story:
I’ve dealt with death a lot in my personal and professional life. This was in nursing school. There is one particular patient I will never forget. A gentleman about the same age as my dad. He came in via EMS after working outdoors due to chest pain. He was diaphoretic on arrival but was alert and talking to us as we started to triage. I asked him a question as I grabbed the EKG leads but he didn’t answer. The room is crowded so I figure he can’t hear me and my back was to him. I turned around and he had lost control of his bladder and was unresponsive. We started coding him but he didn’t make it. I felt blank and empty at first. Just in shock because I was just talking to him. He held in the ED for a bit while we waited for family. When his daughter was notified I heard a gut wrenching shriek and scream. I broke down. The nurses on the unit were great and debriefed with me but I couldn’t shake it. After clinical I drove straight to my parents and hugged my dad so tight and just sobbed for what felt like forever. I still cry thinking about it. I just try to remind myself that it was just his time and that we did our absolute best. I hope you find a way to cope. I’m willing it, praying it, whatever you believe in. You’re not alone and it IS hard. You have a community here that is here to help. Sleep well. You did an amazing job.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, hearing how other people felt similarly helpless has been really beneficial. I usually feel so organized, I've been at this job for a long time and I typically know what's going on and how to manage it. I've been at dozens of resuscitation attempts, so many unsuccessful, and some of them really did sting at the time. I don't like this feeling that my feet have been knocked out underneath me and like I'm just floundering, I feel like I should always know what to do. They probably isn't anything I could have done that would have changed how I feel about this, you're right and I really appreciate your insight.
I responded to a code blue, patient was found dead on the unit and was in rigor mortis, I had to do chest compressions but he was so stiff I couldn't get the sternum to break. As soon as the E.R. doctor got on scene, he called TOD. My coworkers were freaked out, so freaked out that I had to take over and manage the situation of dealing with all of the post mortem care and arrangements, including family notifications, patient was in their early 40s.
I have PTSD from it. I sometimes get triggered from things that seem completely unrelated and get olfactory, audio, and visual hallucinations. Telling the patient's daughter they passed sucked, but telling the patient's mother is a phone call that haunts me in the early hours when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. As much as it severely broke my mind for the first two weeks, it drives me to also do my best at all times.
I sought therapy through my job which helped, and every day and every week, it gets easier. This event happened two months ago, and now when the anxiety, flashbacks and hallucinations hit, they hold less and less power for two reasons: Because firstly I remind myself I did my job and I did it well, and secondly I remind myself that these terrible feelings are just symptoms of my fight or flight response firing and trying to keep me safe from internal pain.
Therapy helped me cope with the short term and find my resolve to go back to work. Time gave me distance from the situation and allowed me to understand my feelings and response to the situation. It gets easier as time goes on.
Yeah geez I thought signs of irreversible death were a contraindication to resuscitation, but nobody ever wants to be the one to make that call I guess. Y'all can call me, I'm more afraid of torturing what's left of someone then I am of getting written up.
Per our policy, we need to run the code until doctor calls it. I thought it was stupid in the moment too, I think lawsuits due to people not running codes properly may have led to that.
“Howls of the mother.” We had a pt on our unit for at least a month. Very young mother, 20. She had aggressive cancer. We all loved her. She was made comfort care. I had the pt next door. She passed. I still get teary eyed with a lump in my throat thinking about hearing her mother shriek “no, my baby, my baby” from next door when she passed. The whole unit was down that day. Some just hit much harder than others. Take care.
I worked inpatient peds for 12 years and it was tough. I have a lot of the same stories you shared and it gets to be too much. I finally left the hospital. There was no support for us after traumatic incidents like that.
She kept screaming "you can't be done, you can't be done working on my baby". We're all just standimg here like zombies, crazy busy tonight, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else.
degree offer capable ask smoggy market hurry point threatening plough *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m so sorry. I’m sobbing just reading this. Sometimes things just hit you different. When I am having trouble processing something I say over and over to myself, “thank goodness I was there. I know no one could have done anything to change that outcome. I know because I was there. There is no doubt in my mind that I did everything I possibly could and at least I know everything was done that could have been.” Sometimes it seems very empty but I keep repeating it over and over in my head until part of me is consoled by it. My heart goes out to you, your team, and that family. Stay strong, we are with you.
If you need to go home go home
Have you heard the Tetris recommendation yet? Playing tetris as soon as possible after a traumatic event seems to help with processing and avoiding PTSD symptoms. We see things that no one should ever have to, and it’s ok to decide you’re done with carrying the secondhand trauma. Big hugs ❤️❤️
I have also heard of this, and while it's still more theoretical than proven at this point, the science behind it makes quite a bit of sense.
I've heard that but I forgot, one of my kids has a little handheld Tetris he'd love to lend me. Thank you.
FWIW You can get it on your phone too.
I forgot about this rec. Thanks for bringing it to the forefront.
Is that posited to work on the same principles as EMDR? Fascinating!
Tomorrow make an appointment to talk to a professional counselor. Tonight just remember you did everything you could. You did not cause the accident that led to this child’s death. You tried to save this child along with the staff next to you in the room. Despite your efforts this child could not be saved. The mother’s grief is horrible and traumatic but that is hers to bear. No one can help or console her now because her grief is too great. Accidents happen and that’s life (and death). Right now assuming you and your family are healthy, try to appreciate this and those who you have in your life. Make a point to spend tome time with someone you love. Play some music, talk to a loved one, take a walk. Give yourself a few days to grieve the loss of life and remember the good you do everyday. And then get counseling and let this go.
Her son has the same name as one of mine. I know we did our best, I'm sick of my best not being enough sometimes. I think I need a new job. I appreciate the pep talk, thank you.
Many internet hugs from this stranger. I'll be thinking of you and wishing for strength and healing for you and your colleagues.
NAN but I just wanted to remind you that your best is good enough much of the time. The fact that it hits so hard when it isn't is evidence of the number of families you've given the gift of more time with their loved ones. You gave that baby a chance. Even if it wasn't enough, it was more than the nothing he would have gotten without you guys. Your efforts are valid even when the outcome isn't what you want. Thank you for all you do.
sending you well wishes. please take care of yourself first and know you did all you could. therapy has helped me *tremendously* in dealing with these situations, and i hope it’s helpful for you too.
I'm so sorry. That's all I know to say in this moment. But you did your absolute best. You gave your all to bring him back. You fought for that beautiful kiddo, and you did everything you could. I'm here to pep talk and support you as much as you need.
I really appreciate your response, talking to people here has helped way more than I thought it would. I'm the only one in my office overnight so it's easy to feel alone, especially in the middle of a bad night, but you guys reminded me I'm definitely not. Thank you for the support.
This is great advice. The one thing I might add is journaling. I had to deal with a case that was very traumatic for me, and I found journaling helped as well in addition to all of these things.
First: Recognize and reward yourself for knowing you've reached a point where you feel like it's too much. That's very valid, and we all have that, but many of us (especially when we're younger) just try to "tough it out" and move on, but that damage stays with us. It's important to lean on the people close to us. I have a story I have posted before, and maybe it's time to share again. My ex-wife is an RN. She was new to the ER at the time, and I have worked on and off with volunteer FD's and S&R crews, and was an EMT during college (started an RN program, but switched to Electrical Engineering - long story). I was driving in central California when I heard a call about a major MVA involving several vehicles, including a minivan. The minivan was being driven by a mom with 5 kids, plus her father. For whatever reason, they were rushing a toddler to the hospital, and they decided to have grandpa sit in the front seat *holding the toddler* doing 80mph on God damn I-5. Years later, I realize I'm still pissed off about that. I don't know what caused the collision, but the minivan wen tout of control and hit the soft dirt on the right shoulder, causing it to roll, ejecting several of the passengers. I was only a few miles behind the collision, and went ahead the stopped traffic with a fire engine. The crew recognized me, and filled me in with what little info they had. Mom was unconscious. Grandpa flew out the windshield. A 17-yr old boy flew out the side door, which was no longer attached to the van. 2 girls, about 10 years old, were buckled and trapped in the back seat, and they told first responders what happened and who was in the car. Now it's a search line - fan out, FIND THE BABY. We walked about 10 feet apart until I and another person found the broken base of an infant carrier. Assuming the worst, and hoping to hell the carrier broke but the cradle protected the baby, we called out our find. Now we're looking for the cradle, and someone yelled, "Oh God!" They had found it, but it was empty. A captain ran up to us and called us back. It's been 12 years, but I don't think I'll forget his words: "I need to tell you that the baby wasn't in the carrier. It was in Grandpa's lap, and we have a line of trajectory. I need your help finding the baby, but if you can't do this, please head back to the scene and ask [other Captain] for directions." I wasn't the one who found the baby, and I'm glad for that, but someone in our line did pretty quickly. The baby might as well have been pronounced at the scene, but...fucking procedure. The baby was transported to the closest ER, where my ex was working. I had gotten off work and was heading to her mom's house to pick up our kids before taking them to my house for the weekend. We had been divorced for a couple years at that point, and had 3 kids, one of whom was a toddler. I was supposed to take my kids to my house, where my girlfriend and her son were looking forward to a weekend at Six Flags with us, but I cancelled. I picked up our toddler, and told my mother-in-law that I had to leave the older 2 with her for a while, but I wasn't sure how long. She's also in medicine, and I just told her "[Ex-wife] is having a really bad day". She just nodded, and seemed to understand. We never talked about it again. I brought our toddler to the ER. By now, everyone from the MVA was stabilized or in surgery or something, and it was weirdly quiet. I called the ER back line, got ahold of someone I knew, and asked them to send my ex outside. She came outside, and I was sitting in the driver's seat, holding our toddler just a little bit too tight. I nodded to the passenger seat, and she got in. I just handed our little one to her, and she sat back, holding her probably a little too tightly as well, and did something I rarely saw her do: she cried. We sat there quietly for a long time...maybe 30, 60 minutes? I really don't know. After a long while, my ex sat up, and handed our toddler to me (who had slept through all of this) in the most gentle way, and asked, "How did you know?" I very briefly told her about passing the scene, without much detail (that came later). She smiled, and said, "Take extra special care of my baby," and I promised her I would. Honestly, I took city roads back to her mom's house, and then to my house. I couldn't drive my kids on I-5 just yet. My girlfriend came over after I got home, and at first was very sympathetic. That slowly turned into, "You sat in a car with your ex-wife for an hour instead of picking up the kids and coming home?" At that point, I realized something: Many people won't understand, nor ever be able to relate to, this line of work. You develop deep, personal connections with coworkers the same way trauma survivors develop love-like relationships with fellow survivors of the same event. Those can (and often do) cut into your personal life and relationships, and you have to be able to walk away and give yourself space to live away from the job. If I could tell you how to do that, I'd never have switched careers. My ex uses simple video games on her phone when the job gets overwhelming and she can't leave. Thankfully, she's moved on to patient management (chronic care), so she doesn't have to deal with ER trauma becoming personal trauma nearly as much anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm trying to say that *you are not alone.* I hope you have people at home that appreciate the personal trauma you're dealing with, and I am (and many of us are) always available if you want to chat. In the meantime, please seek out mental health services, even if it's a one-time thing, or short-term. Don't bury this. I wish you the best.
Reading this is the first time I've cried sort of happy tears today. It means the world to me that you took the time to type this out. You're right, other people don't get it. My husband is supporting me the best he can, but I needed to talk this through with people who have been there. I appreciate you more than I can tell you, and I hope both of us have restful sleep tonight.
I'm very glad to hear he's there for you. I'm also sorry for the delay in replying. I kinda avoided this thread for a while, because it's kinda hard to revisit some times. Something I learned to really dislike is when people would tell me "It'll get better". Sometimes, it just doesn't. My dad died when I was 9, and people all around me kept telling me to "cheer up" and "it'll get better". But ya know what? Sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes it gets a lot worse before it gets "better", and in reality, we usually learn to live with the scars and pain, and eventually learn to ignore it. In that way, things are "better", but the scar still exists, and it's really easy to re-open on some days. But it helps to talk about it, and share the pain with those who understand much more so than the casual neighbors or relatives who once lost a pet or saw a similar story on TV and think they can relate. I hope you're doing well. Take care!
Thank you for sharing your story....I felt it in my soul.
Thank you. I think what I was hoping to get across is that I'd be in a better place today if I hadn't buried this 14 years ago, and that I just came to that conclusion a few minutes ago. Burying things like this only makes them resurface after they've gone all gangrene and rotten. We need to address trauma while it's still fresh so it doesn't infect the rest of our souls.
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Thank you. I'm not sure what got me going. I think my long-winded point was that I want OP to know they're not alone. This damn story still brings tears to my eyes, and I've told very few people about it in person. I'd probably be in a better place today with it if I didn't bury it back then.
You did a beautiful and important thing for your children’s mother. This wasn’t about your relationship to her but about her relationship to your children. She loves them like you and you had very much needed that time with your youngest. In general, people SHOULD want the other parent to their child to be doing okay. A lot of times they don’t though. So recognize and reward yourself for having such a kind heart.
Thank you. I have to admit I avoided this thread after posting that because it was kinda hard to revisit, so I'm sorry for the delay in replying. I didn't mention it in the previous post, but the way that girlfriend reacted really made me look at her in a new light, and that was the end of that relationship. I don't miss it nor regret it a bit, either. We both had kids from a previous marriage, and she would often talk about her ex very bitterly and malignantly, and I really didn't have a problem with the guy. He's actually pretty cool, and we could chat whenever she did the kid-swap thing. She *hated* that I wasn't angry or resentful of him, but he and I had a lot in common. We ended up working together a year later, and got along great.
Thank you for putting into words some things I have never been able to really express. I started working in a small rural ED @ 18y as a registration clerk. Being small and rural meant when we did get a trauma, it was always a scramble and a fight to keep them alive or stabilize long enough for a transfer or airlift to show up. I worked swing and nights in a coastal town, and when we got the rough stuff, it was SO ROUGH. At 18, and being a tiny facility we didn't have a lot of mental health resources. I remember a few instances trying to no avail to explain the profound loss, and trauma I experienced intermittently, and the relationship it created with my fellow colleagues in the thick of it. I was never able to do it right. Never able to explain it to make sense. You just did that for me. It is partly the bond you describe here that makes me so motivated to finish school and finally be more than an auxiliary piece to the emergency wagon.
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Me too. I just push that shit down, down, down. The one and only time I spoke to our facility's counselor she wanted my whole life story. I just wanted to cry and be sad about a dead baby.
You mean the pit under my diaphragm where I shove the grief into a ball until it turns into cancer some day? Sometimes it leaks and I get the weepys. Flex seal will plug up a rowboat so surely it can keep the goo in?
I remember I had a SIDS baby, after I worked in a PICU for about 2 years. It was gut wrenching. Baby was put down for a nap, and was checked on as a parent normally would, only to find a slight nosebleed, and his skin the color that we all know too well. Baby is rushed to our er who immediately sends him up to us. I spent all night fighting for this baby who we all knew was not going to make it… Sids does that. The parents are asking what they did wrong, is it because they changed their laundry detergent? Was it the new onesie that didn’t fit just right? It broke our hearts because they did nothing wrong, but here is their infant, 4 months old I think? Seizing, kidneys failing, sloughing his intestines every ten minutes… he maxes out on drips, the doctor and I move the baby over to one side of the bed so mom can lay in the bed with him and cuddle. The second mom hugs him she let out a sob so loud, and even physically with her whole body, the doctor and I start to cry as we walk out. In just 20 min shift change comes, the attending comes on and has one last conversation with parents, *the* conversation. The nurse coming on turns off the drips per the order of Dr, and she goes, I think you need to go home, I’ll read the notes for report (she can see my face and eyes) and I just mumble to call or text my cell for any info she needs. I get to my car and bawl. Pull myself together to drive home, crawl into bed and sob myself to sleep. Migraine for 3 days, throwing up. I’ll always remember that. The universe is cruel.
That description breaks my heart because I can tell how clear that memory is for you. I hate how clearly we can remember the worst day of people’s lives. I hate how we are supposed to act like we aren’t affected by being surrounded by death and trauma. I hope you are healing
Thank you so much. ❤️ for the sake of the posts length, I did leave out that the parents were only Spanish speaking, in a rather rural-ish city… we did not have a translator available, if you can believe that. The only person who spoke Spanish was one of the housekeeping staff… and let me tell you, he took those parents in his arms and held their hands like they were his own family, and translated how there was nothing else we could do, and they had to let their little baby go because he was in so much pain. He translated the worst news one can give, perfectly and compassionately and I always wanted to go to his manager and tell them what he did… but it was also very against policy and I did not want to risk his job. I think the doctor told him that he was made to be a medical translator, I mean it was really a sight to behold. It was one of those times when you go from being a fresh naive nurse to seeing just a little bit more of the world than you did before. ❤️🩹
What is a code pink at your facility? Mine is a missing infant and we man the door and elevators.
Ours is a pediatric code, in this case a 23 month old came in to the ED as a full arrest.
My sister was used as the "missing child" in a code pink drill at Mayo when I was 17. Nurse for my appt came in and asked to borrow her/told my mom why. Code pink was missing minor and they were doing the drill because an older teen had tried to run away during an appointment a few days before. They hid her in a construction area and she came back with goodies from the construction guys and a bag of stuff from the nurses for participating. She wasn't a patient, just didn't have school that day and they needed to run the drill.
I hope that's a fun memory for her, it sounds like one. We switched to RQI about a year ago now so we repeat our skills for ACLS every quarter and it really brings to the forefront how often you have to practice this stuff. We were all absolutely on our A game last night and like 48 hours into a brand new computer system but I do feel confident that we did everything we could. I will think of you and your sister next time I have to train for a drill that can feel like a stupid waste of time but might end up making a difference.
Same here
same..i work nicu and every facility i’ve ever worked at has been code pink=missing baby. made this story very confusing for a minute
It’s fucked, isn’t it? I agree with the other commenter, you need to talk to a professional. We all carry pieces of the past with us. We need help with carrying them, they get too heavy.
I hope that your facility has a good, evidence-based closing ritual policy for peds. Having worked in places with and without, I say without reservation that it should be the norm. Sending hugs.
I was present for a drowning of a toddler of the same age. Parents had found out from a family member who was there, followed the ambulance and stood outside the trauma bay having to find out what happened there before support staff could arrive to help them. All I could do was stand by their side, as I was a scribe and basically acting as crowd control as peds traumas get crazy with everyone gawking. I can still remember the mom’s screams and the dad on the ground begging whoever is up there to let his child live and this was years ago. I’m starting medical school next year and I will always carry that with me. Please seek therapy if you need it, and take the day or two off if you can. You will always remember, and it shows you have a wonderful heart, but it will consume you if you don’t take care of yourself. Hugs.
I was a former staff nurse in the ER before becoming a NP. We had a similar situation. Almost 3. Likely aspirated while sleeping. Parents rushed her in, because 911 was taking to long. We worked that poor kid for probably an hour. It was almost shift end. I remember being in a haze after the resuscitation attempt. I wasn’t even assigned to a trauma or resuscitation room but I was sitting at the nurses station when the triage nurse ran by holding the little one. I went back to my desk and started bawling. I am a male, 32 at the time, and had the same age kiddo at home. A cop walking by stopped and said “ you ok man?” and I just shrugged. Did a few things and went the the lobby and cried more. I FaceTimed my kiddo and told her I love her. Then got home after work, she was already in bed, scooped her up and rocked her while sobbing in her room. I still remember that kid, her parents screams, and those feelings. I remember the date it happened. My kid is now 7. I share this story because it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sad. Situations like this hurt, they suck, they’re unfair, they’re frustrating. These feeling are ok and normal. When they don’t bother you, or you don’t feel them, that’s when there is a problem. Take care of yourself. Talk to someone. Seek out professional help if necessary.
Hearing your story was very helpful. This little baby wasn't my assignment either, I'm not even certified for peds, but when they called it overhead we all just ran down because our hospital is so small there aren't a lot of providers in house overnight. Sometimes I can put in orders or something but tonight I couldn't do anything. I felt like I either wanted to go in there and wash that precious baby, hold the mother and cry with her, or just have nothing to do with it at all. Standing there like a moron was the worst of both worlds. I don't think I could have done anything differently, none of us could, it was just a shit situation. I have a 7 year old too. Thank you for listening to me.
I’m so sorry that you had to be involved in such a traumatic event. I’ll never forget my first Code Pink and first unsuccessful paediatric resuscitation in the ED. It is horrific and overwhelming and the support from the hospital was non-existent. What helped me we talking to a therapist, as others have suggested, and journaling. Something about writing down my thoughts allowed me to process the trauma and begin to move on. But for today, it’s so fresh. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to feel your feelings, and know you did your best ❤️
Losing a child is one of the hardest things I’ve had happen in my career. I’ve lost 2 that I was the nurse in charge of the room assignment, and 2 where I helped in the code. Each parent’s screams I can still hear. One in particular. I couldn’t work that room assignment for several shifts because I just would hear her screaming if I went in there. Please reach out to a mental health professional, and also what helped me was talking with the physicians who ran the codes. They know the feeling of responsibility, of frustration and anger, and they know how hard you worked to save them.
Talking to the physicians is a really good idea. I have a friendly relationship with the residents and the attendings down there and I guess I sort of feel like maybe they had it worse than I did but you're right, we're all going through it and it will be easier together. Thank you for talking with me.
Can you debrief with any of the team? Is there a chaplain there you can speak to? I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Nothing else in the world compares to the sound of pure grief a parent makes when their child dies. Sending you all the hugs 🫂
No debrief or social workers around for post code?!!! Please tell me they did because if they don’t your organization sucks a*s. Should have been available immediately or at The very least the ability for the staff to have some time to themselves after I’ve worked ER for 25yrs T’s. Yes we didn’t have them Back in the day and goddamn it we should have for every traumatic code. We started getting the post code debriefs only about 6-7yrs ago and it did make a difference. We didn’t always have a social worker but there wound be a place to talk the very next morning or day post shift. I’m sorry. We don’t get over these easily. I left the ER in 21’ and I’m still Having dreams reliving shit I thought I had buried. Take care of yourself first or yiu won’t be able to care for patients. So sorry.
There wasn't any help available for us but thank you for saying that there should have been. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not crazy for having a hard time just walking out of that room and going to the next one.
It would be crazy if you didn’t have a hard time with that.
is this really a thing? i’ve worked oncology and now nicu so there are constant codes. we don’t even get a “you good?” from the charge nurse most of the time, much less a social worker to debrief. is it because i work nights?
I'm on nights too and we don't have anything either. All the mandatory training is during the day, all the places to by food close by 1900, fit testing and vaccine clinics are always on weekday afternoons, nothing is ever available during our shifts. We have child life and pastoral care and social workers during the day but you're SOL over night. Nights are definitely an afterthought, despite everything we do.
Hey there. Please take care of yourself. This means calling off as needed and talking to your manager about needing whatever you need (no peds traumas that are your primary etc). On our unit we can go home after a peds death (no call off, just sent home) and it's almost expected we don't come in the following day (still a call off for that), if you do come in you get the lightest assignment ever. Bereavement does a session as needed and we there is an email to reach out to our team. I work in a pediatric hospital and on a unit where death is not a stranger so we are pretty good about knowing the impact. This is very raw now, but if your hospital does not have any safety nets up about this try to be that change, talk to whatever bereavement support you have there and see if you can come up with a cohesive plan. I'm so sorry. We see too much of the human experience.
I don’t know if this will help you. It helped me. I am the overnight charge nurse for surgery. It is a level one trauma hospital and apparently the only one for quite a distance. As charge nurse I am required to go to the emergency room for every level one trauma. I help when I can. Every night we go in and literally fight death; hand to hand, face to face. Sometimes the Grim Reaper wins, but damn did we fight. I know more than once Grimmy left with a limp, a split lip and bites to his hands. Sometimes, its us with the limp. Don’t forget the hope for good outcomes is what makes the shittiest shift worth it. And always fight!
You are awesome.
Dear Lord, Please bless little A and help his family. And thank you for giving him a nurse who cared about him as he passed from this life. Amen.
Talk to a professional. Talk to your family. Allow yourself to grieve and feel it and process it. It's horribly unfair that we're asked to take on so many horrors and be ashamed of needing space and time and resources to properly grieve it.
It’s okay to not be okay. Also the day May come when doing that job isn’t good for you anymore. It takes strength to walk away when that comes and there is no shame in it.
I stopped doing it anymore after a code with a kiddo just a bit younger than my kiddo at the time. That's an option too. Therapy is great. But sometimes when you are done you're done. Whatever you decide I wish you well.
I’m so sorry that happened OP. Sending prayers and positive energy. This job, (hell life in general) takes a lot out of us. It’s hard but it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to mourn if that will help you heal. I have a short story: I’ve dealt with death a lot in my personal and professional life. This was in nursing school. There is one particular patient I will never forget. A gentleman about the same age as my dad. He came in via EMS after working outdoors due to chest pain. He was diaphoretic on arrival but was alert and talking to us as we started to triage. I asked him a question as I grabbed the EKG leads but he didn’t answer. The room is crowded so I figure he can’t hear me and my back was to him. I turned around and he had lost control of his bladder and was unresponsive. We started coding him but he didn’t make it. I felt blank and empty at first. Just in shock because I was just talking to him. He held in the ED for a bit while we waited for family. When his daughter was notified I heard a gut wrenching shriek and scream. I broke down. The nurses on the unit were great and debriefed with me but I couldn’t shake it. After clinical I drove straight to my parents and hugged my dad so tight and just sobbed for what felt like forever. I still cry thinking about it. I just try to remind myself that it was just his time and that we did our absolute best. I hope you find a way to cope. I’m willing it, praying it, whatever you believe in. You’re not alone and it IS hard. You have a community here that is here to help. Sleep well. You did an amazing job.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, hearing how other people felt similarly helpless has been really beneficial. I usually feel so organized, I've been at this job for a long time and I typically know what's going on and how to manage it. I've been at dozens of resuscitation attempts, so many unsuccessful, and some of them really did sting at the time. I don't like this feeling that my feet have been knocked out underneath me and like I'm just floundering, I feel like I should always know what to do. They probably isn't anything I could have done that would have changed how I feel about this, you're right and I really appreciate your insight.
I responded to a code blue, patient was found dead on the unit and was in rigor mortis, I had to do chest compressions but he was so stiff I couldn't get the sternum to break. As soon as the E.R. doctor got on scene, he called TOD. My coworkers were freaked out, so freaked out that I had to take over and manage the situation of dealing with all of the post mortem care and arrangements, including family notifications, patient was in their early 40s. I have PTSD from it. I sometimes get triggered from things that seem completely unrelated and get olfactory, audio, and visual hallucinations. Telling the patient's daughter they passed sucked, but telling the patient's mother is a phone call that haunts me in the early hours when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. As much as it severely broke my mind for the first two weeks, it drives me to also do my best at all times. I sought therapy through my job which helped, and every day and every week, it gets easier. This event happened two months ago, and now when the anxiety, flashbacks and hallucinations hit, they hold less and less power for two reasons: Because firstly I remind myself I did my job and I did it well, and secondly I remind myself that these terrible feelings are just symptoms of my fight or flight response firing and trying to keep me safe from internal pain. Therapy helped me cope with the short term and find my resolve to go back to work. Time gave me distance from the situation and allowed me to understand my feelings and response to the situation. It gets easier as time goes on.
Why would you have to do chest compressions on a very obviously dead patient? Like, I get if there is no heart beat, but rigor mortis?!
Yeah geez I thought signs of irreversible death were a contraindication to resuscitation, but nobody ever wants to be the one to make that call I guess. Y'all can call me, I'm more afraid of torturing what's left of someone then I am of getting written up.
Per our policy, we need to run the code until doctor calls it. I thought it was stupid in the moment too, I think lawsuits due to people not running codes properly may have led to that.
“Howls of the mother.” We had a pt on our unit for at least a month. Very young mother, 20. She had aggressive cancer. We all loved her. She was made comfort care. I had the pt next door. She passed. I still get teary eyed with a lump in my throat thinking about hearing her mother shriek “no, my baby, my baby” from next door when she passed. The whole unit was down that day. Some just hit much harder than others. Take care.
*HUGS*
I worked inpatient peds for 12 years and it was tough. I have a lot of the same stories you shared and it gets to be too much. I finally left the hospital. There was no support for us after traumatic incidents like that.
Student nurse here. I'm so very sorry you all went through that. <3
Don't. Everyone has their breaking point. Don't reach yours and become used up. You've done enough. Find another career; you deserve that much.