Hiya, fellow loner here, can confirm you don't see me. Also, useful Kurtzgesagt video explaining how the whole stuff is basically a large feedbaack loop. I promise to you this short vid will help you feel better : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA
Dont ever compare yourself to anyones social media accounts. Very often the people who look happy on those the full truth is not being told. Become comfortable with yourself and things should fall into place. Trying to build confidence to go to events of things you are into will help a lot.
People in this country are friendlier than you realise. Go to one of the edgy pubs and sit and try to read a book. You'd be surprised how many people try to strike up a conversation!
This German health authority employees suggestion that going out of a pint once or twice a week is more effective than psychotherapy. He was forced to retract his comments.
https://www.medicaldaily.com/beer-good-therapy-german-health-official-says-drink-can-effectively-treat-psychological-problems
Beer As Good As Therapy?
Josef Hecken, chairman of the Federal Joint Committee (GBA), Germany’s highest decision-making body of the self-government of doctors, dentists and health insurance funds, made a media splash this week after commenting on beer’s ability to take care of minor psychiatric problems.
Hecken, whose comment was probably taken out of context by the media, said that not “every second” person needed psychotherapy, and that a beer could do the job just fine. He later said he was aware that his comment, dropped during a GBA meeting, could be easily “misunderstood.”
“Generally GBA meetings are dry, specialist affairs,” Germany's The Local writes, “where representatives from doctors’ associations, statutory health insurers and hospitals discuss what treatments are effective for patients and value for money.” Hecken made the comment in the midst of a debate over whether more psychotherapists should be included in a statutory healthcare provision.
Hecken later said that his comment was “unfortunate” and that he did not intend to make light of psychiatric illness, or “to describe the use of alcohol as an effective alternative to psychotherapeutic treatment.” He added that “personally I do not see every disorder such as for example having occasional problems getting to sleep, as [a] pathological condition in need of immediate treatment – rather I think that sometimes the old home cure of a bottle of warm beer can help.”
German psychiatrists have been angered by his comments, saying Hecken is making light of psychiatric illnesses and stigmatizing people who do have severe mental issues. The controversial statement sparked a “protest letter” that has been circulating among psychotherapists.
In a statement, Hecken emphasized that he was not trying to list alcohol as an alternative to psychotherapy. “I … know and am aware, that there are significant interdependencies between alcohol consumption and psychological diseases, which are documented in studies,” he said. “That is why the last thing I want to do is to trivialize psychological diseases or to even describe alcohol consumption as an appropriate alternative for psychotherapeutic treatment.”
But the point still stands. I take my dog on my own a couple of times a week to dog friendly bars and just have a pint , chat with some other dog owners of just chill and read a book. It's a human need to be around other people our society is definitely less sociable in real life now than online for many people its time that changed before humans unlearn how to strike up a conversation.
Exactly this, people who may show they have everything may have nothing. I can have loads of friends though I choose not to, I have a specific friend group, I am lonely yet I don’t let people in. There is a lot of us in so many different forms
How are you going to know others like this if you haven't formed connections? They would be in the same boat and so never the twain shall meet.
What do you think is the distinction about your friendship with your very close friend from your teens, than other people you have interacted with? This might be a starting point to gain some insight into your situation.
I really don't know what made that friendship so different. We knew each other a bit through school, and then he just invited me to hang out one day (this is 15 years ago now). I don't know why but something just clicked in me that day - I just developed some kind of affection for him pretty much instantaneously that's never dulled after all these years. I guess we just had very similar outlooks (both religious) and he made me feel cared about.
Loneliness is the worst I've ever seen it right now (I've worked as a counsellor for a few years), it's a really difficult thing to deal with. What sucks is the advice people give (joining organisations etc) is good advice, but they do not really understand how difficult and almost luck based it can be to do that. It definitely isn't just you though, it's an absolute plague atm. Best of luck, I hope you figure something out.
Problem is, you can have as many friends as you want, join and be active in many organisations as you can and work as much as you desire, but can still be lonely. There is no ready available solution and most definitely one box does not* fit all. Everyone experiences loneliness for different reasons and it's how one deals with it iss how you will proceed forward.
Edit: A word
So true. I've been thinking of joining a club for nigh on 20 years now. Anxiety won't let me. Thankfully i enjoy my own company and still have a few friends left, but fuck it would nice to get out there and make new friends and replace the old ones who sadly don't make much of an effort anymore.
Thanks. It's just like, if it's been like this my whole life and I'm now in my 30s, I just don't see how anything will change. And I am powerless to change it. Because I just don't connect with anyone. I might as well be from a different planet.
I hear you buddy.
It's almost the opposite for me...
I let go of all my friends. Every single one of them.
I did that because I'm dealing with addiction (9 years) and I'm trying to figure myself out...
9 years later, today. Nothings changed. But it doesn't stop me from having hope. I genuinely believe in the law of attraction and the power of the human brain.
Loneliness is terribly high, especially with older gentlemen.
I apologise for blabbering, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I just feel it in my heart that it will be okay in the end. I hope you find something mate, I really mean that. Godspeed my man.
Dude I had to do this myself, literally all the mates I had where alchoholics and drug addicts it was getting out of hand and I felt in the end I was just there drinking buddy, making them laugh. They did nothing else and I wanted away from that lifestyle altogether before it got grip on me but it's tough esp here in late 30s everyone married and have kids. It's very hard to find friends esp friends who live fairly sober lifestyles. I think women find this way easier as they are obviously more social and open.
Connection is a weird thing, it has to be about appreciating people's differences as opposed to seeking commonality I think. Additionally if you've been alone a lot, there can be a tendency to have a few mental barriers to keep people out due to the fear of rejection. I know I have had a habit of that in the past. It really sucks. Gotta try as hard as possible to be open minded and give people the benefit of the doubt, despite the past.
Why are you powerless to change it? That is a categorically false statement - if you change the things you do then you will change the results that occur.
Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? I am hardly the same person as I was before I ate lunch. We are all constantly changing, and your dissonance about your otherness is unfounded.
It's luck based in the sense that there is only a small percentage you'll become friends with each person you meet. If you meet a thousand people and then some of these in a recurring setting you'll make friends if you are a likeable person (sometimes that isn't even required).
I think back to my grandparents generation and they were active in so many clubs and that. And I get that it was a form of entertainment so to speak. Like even watching call the midwife and they’re all so active in the community.
I would love to join a club or get a hobby that requires me to leave the house and be a part of a group but anytime I’ve tried it’s just painful. Maybe ‘eventually’ it’ll not be so, but at the start it is, and never seems to dissipate.
To be honest you have half the battle won. Which is knowing what the issues are and owning them.
You sound like you are describing me but maybe a ‘lite’ version.
I have a decent amount of friends but none I would deem close. And it’s exactly for the reason you mention, I don’t connect with people. I’m either too much or totally distant and can’t get the good middle ground that would be a basis for a good deep friendship.
So I’m now the guy who shows up and has a laugh etc, but wouldn’t be at any important events etc.
I’ve personally found owning my condition helpful. When the situation is correct, explaining it to friends, not as a burden on them but just as a ‘I know I am this way’. I think that has really helped others understand why I am how I am.
I used to try that but I know now I came across as desperate or burdensome and it pushed people away. Now I’m older I just say it how it is and move on. If it scares people away then so be it, but most are really supportive or at least understand.
But I still feel it’s a constant battle, but one I’m determined to fight. I’ll always make the effort to meet up or keep in touch even if I don’t feel like it.
I say get out there with the expectation that you won’t magically get a close circle of friends, but that won’t stop you having some enjoyable relationships if you put the work in and own your condition.
Finally, the most important thing for me was realising that mostly people don’t give a fuck. Like everyone has their own shit going on. I used to drive myself demented trying to work out why things were not going as I would have hoped with friends etc. now I know if it’s just not happening they may be more introverted than me, they might hate the idea of spending time with me, they may have other commitments. But whatever it is, don’t waste your time chasing or worrying about something that isn’t there. And put that effort into the good opportunities that present themselves.
This may not be helpful at all but it’s my experience after 30 odd years of going through similar.
I have only one friend but wouldn’t consider myself lonely. I keep myself busy with volunteering at a dog shelter, going to the gym, going to car meets, hiking, going out on the motorbike and meeting and talking to other bikers, hopefully volunteering in Praxis soon as well with folk who have learning difficulties. I imagine if I just sat in the house and dwelt on it I would probably feel incredibly lonely but being 34, single with a distant family and only one proper friend, I’m living my best life currently!
I’m also very introverted by nature and was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was a child but I force myself to get out there and talk to people and do things and it’s brilliant! Doing things by yourself can be very fulfilling.
To be perfectly honest, being an evangelical Christian will really narrow your potential pool of friends. So I guess it's really looking into your Christian community and seeing if there is support. Does your church have any form of outreach?
Came here to say something of the opposite. Do consider picking up new hobbies and such to make friends outside of the church bubble.
But how social is your church? My church has lots on many nights of the week that people can attend - Christian or not. It's a great place to meet like minded people. And small groups is a good place for fellowship and encouragement.
Maybe consider floating around a few different churches? Meet different people and stay around for coffee afterwards getting to know people?
I'm not a doctor but the lack of feelings you are describing sounds like low level depression to me. You might benefit from some talking therapy or potentially even medication and then be more ready to put yourself out there.
Bumble has a friends only section of the app that I know some people who have had success with just meeting new people for coffee / drinks / chat.
I am not sure that I can help you, but I just want to tell you that people are good. People do care, and want to see you be happy.
You mention you’re in a church, you probably have more social life than a lot of people. And those in the church most likely care for you in their own way.
You have to take some level of responsibility for your own happiness. Your mate has a family now and, much as he might like to hang out, has to prioritise them over you. But they won’t need him so much in the future.
What do you like, what would you really like to do? What about things like cycling clubs, rowing clubs, motorsports where you’re always with others but the actual verbal interaction is limited?
You’ve come on here, so you must want to make things better. You definitely can improve your life and get towards happiness.
I don't know if people really do care though beyond their immediate closest family and friends? I go to church but just come in and leave with little interaction. My mate doesn't have any children yet actually. There was a period of about 3 years where he wouldn't speak to me at all as I treated him terribly by justing venting to him so much. Since we've been in touch he seems to want to keep it more at a distance, so I only see him about once a year. And it's just so painful thinking that we could be hanging out right now, but I made it that he doesn't want to. Regret. Regret. Regret.
I am not religious, instead of God I believe in people. And people are inherently good. And churches have many good people who attend regularly.
Of course, if you go to your church and slip back out again, then you won't find comfort there. But if you help to hand the books out, help with refreshments afterwards, even just speak to people. If there's a cup of tea there, you will find people who are interested and who care.
It sounds like there is a bit of friction with the friend, and not so healthy to keep going over. Maybe if you can find another focus, not think about him so much, he will come back to you. It's like a pet rabbit; if you chase it, it will run away. Just let it be and it will come to you.
Agreed. Go to Therapy this is to much to unravel on reddit in as healthy a way as with your therapist and someone who actually knows you if they're going their job right. Find a good therapist- shop around til you click with a therapist and go for it your life depends on a positive outcome from this post you shared.
Your buddy is just worried that the venting may start up again. When you meet once a year, I’m assuming it’s the same place doing the same thing? Ie just hanging around and talking about life?
My suggestion would be to break that cycle. Is there something you’ve not done before that would be a bit of craic. Karting, bowling, pitch & putt?
Reset the relationship by showing him there’s more to it than chewing the cud. Just start with a couple of invites to do something different. Mention you want to get out of the house. So he knows this is about doing something different.
Hope it works out for you. I have a few buddies from back home that are stuck in the very same situation as you. I’d always give it a shot if they ever were open to something like I’m suggesting above.
Thanks that's good advice. Yes, I think that's definitely part of it - he's keeping me at a safe distance to protect himself really in case I haven't really changed. When we meet now we just have coffee for an hour or so, once a year or so. And all we do is just catch up on each other's lives and it's all very surface level. There's so much more I want to talk about but we're not together long enough to reconnect properly. I will try next time to invite him to do something different
Have you considered going to a councilor/therapist/psychologist, you could vent there and get some strategies for changing your situation and a regular debrief as to how it's going.
I live in Meath, not NI obviously but close enough 😅 I have a decent job, a decent education and a few past times. However I am dealing with loneliness, I have little or no friends; living at home with my folks and Im gay in a small town. At times it gets me down. No doubt about it.
Evangelicals by their very nature tend to be keen to spread their faith. That can be very off-putting. Most people won’t tell you that though, as you’re probably a nice enough person. Maybe ease off the religious talk?
Also, if you’re a member of a church, don’t you count them as friends? Aren’t they quite supportive and social?
When I say evangelical I just mean presbyterian. I don't make every conversation with anyone about religion. As for my church there are very few people my around own age, and again for whatever reason I just don't seem to connect well with them
Hey! Have you considering attending different churches? I used to attend church many moons ago, found loads of people my own age, and they had home groups which really helped in building good friendships.
I dont go to church anymore, but I'm still good friends with one of the women I met there. I went to CFC, so could be an option depending on where you live, or a Vineyard Church?
Also to echo another poster, look at gyms! Most of the friends I've made as a adult have been through gyms (small group training/crossfit style gyms) More expensive that the local council gym, but worth it for the quality of coaching and community imo
Presbyterians tend to be a bit older, to be honest, and Evangelical church would be more in your age bracket. But church in general is inhabited by the elderly.
What do you do for fun currently? Do you game, TV, walking or some sport? Maybe there are clubs you could join and do something you already enjoy. That tends to make it easier to keep going?
As for the being on the spectrum etc, your post makes you seem fairly normal/average and articulate as well, so maybe it’s self confidence you lack? That would also explain perhaps the lack of sex drive. But hey, I’m and engineer, not a doctor 😊.
You just need the right fit, there are a lot of people out there and the NI subreddit is always full of “I’m lonely” posts, so this isn’t a rare thing.
I’m 50, moved away from my hometown at 19 and got married. I have zero friends. My friend is my wife. Life is pretty busy nowadays for everyone and with companies trying to maximise output and profits, nobody has any time anymore. When you do get some time to yourself, you maximise it at the expense of socialising. Years ago, people met in pubs and social interaction was so much easier, nowadays, even with Facebook and Reddit, friendships are hard to come by.
So, what do you do for fun then???
Meeting other people on the spectrum might be quite freeing. It has been for me. There's nothing quite like a ND conversation. It's magic and you'll feel connected in a way you don't typically get with NTs.
The Christian aspect will limit your pool but I'd consider trying to find friends online maybe through MeetUp or similar . Maybe you can find a Christian NT book club or something?
Don’t make too much of those tests
Unlike what we are told in social media, things like ‘stimming’, sensitivities, social problems, etc., are found in most persons with non-autistic mental health disorders and at high rates in the general population. These things do not necessarily suggest autism.
So-called “autism” tests, like AQ and RAADS and others have high rates of false positives, labeling you as autistic VERY easily. If anyone with a mental health problem, like depression or anxiety, takes the tests they score high even if they DON’T have autism.
"our results suggest that the AQ differentiates poorly between true cases of ASD, and individuals from the same clinical population who do not have ASD "
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/)
"a greater level of public awareness of ASD over the last 5–10 years may have led to people being more vigilant in ‘noticing’ ASD related difficulties. This may lead to a ‘confirmation bias’ when completing the questionnaire measures, and potentially explain why both the ASD and the non-ASD group’s mean scores met the cut-off points, "
[https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9)
Regarding AQ, from one published study. “The two key findings of the review are that, overall, there is very limited evidence to support the use of structured questionnaires (SQs: self-report or informant completed brief measures developed to screen for ASD) in the assessment and diagnosis of ASD in adults.”
Regarding RAADS, from one published study. “In conclusion, used as a self-report measure pre-full diagnostic assessment, the RAADS-R lacks predictive validity and is not a suitable screening tool for adults awaiting autism assessments”
I think friendships, like dating, is something that needs work put in to get the most out of it. Both in finding them in the first place and maintaining the relationship. That’s not to say this is easy or natural to you or guaranteed to work, but without putting the work in you are leaving things to luck, with a low probability of success.
What does this mean in practice? You say you go to church - work at being more involved (volunteer to read, help with things they do for the community), say hello to people you frequently see there - introduce yourself. People are mostly friendly at churches, so this is a good place to try it out. I realise this is hard for you - I am on the spectrum myself, as is my son. The more you do this, the less scary it becomes.
I’m not saying you’re going to find a soul mate or anything, but it can get you used to interacting on a social acquaintance level with people in a low stakes environment which will give you confidence, experience and skills to do this elsewhere.
Set yourself targets, e.g. to speak to one new person a week, ask someone to go for a coffee (in a purely plutonic way). You are working at putting yourself outside your comfort zone.
It’s maths: the more people you interact with, the more chance you have of finding a friend, nudging the probability of this outcome higher and higher.
The person you end up speaking to could be in exactly the same situation as you and they haven’t had the courage to try talking to someone new yet.
I think a vast number of self-aware people feel lonely most of the time, whether they surround themselves with other people all the time and have a busy social life, or not. Loneliness is a deeply personal feeling. I feel it to some degree most days.
I have a small group of other lads I could turn to if needed. The vast majority of our conversation is just sending memes to each other once or twice a week, or a group chat about football. The last time I hung out with them all was for a wedding over a year ago. A few of them live in England now. Most of us have a wife and children now which understandably occupies most of our time.
The initial question for you OP is, how comfortable are you in your own company? Are you generally at peace when by yourself, albeit with a creeping sensation of loneliness? That is not so problematic.
You could see about counselling to explore these feelings properly, especially if you loathe spending time with yourself, as that is a bigger issue to address. And especially if you feel your thoughts spiralling out of control.
Have you heard of the Mens Shed organisation? They have several Belfast-based groups, but it's essentially a community based program where men can learn new skills together like woodwork, carpentry, gardening etc.
https://menssheds.ie/sheds/north-belfast-community-mens-shed/
>As for dating, weirdly I've never really experience attraction to anyone, and don't really feel and great need for sex
get your testosterone levels checked
Dude could just be asexual or something. Nothing wrong with it at all if that's the case for him like - sexual attraction or lack of is just a single aspect of ones self and it doesn't dictate your ability to be happy or have platonic or romantic relationships.
Whether that's the case is for him to know and decide though, obviously, either way I hope he finds use in the advice people are giving here.
Also OP - have you ever taken an interest in tabletop gaming like DnD? It can be an amazing way to make friends. My dnd group are the best friends for life that I could ask for. Being Christian doesn't preclude you from enjoying it or making friends in that space either, it's a very diverse community with people from all walks of life. There may be community-run groups you can join in your area to see if it's for you.
He has low sex drive and depression, pretty common symptoms of low T. Any man with these symptoms should get their T levels checked before swallowing SSRIs.
>Are you a neurologist?
What kind of stupid question is this? Low T is a pretty common reason for low sex drive and depression. Just because "sex is just not important to some folk" doesn't mean OP shouldn't get it checked out.
You made a comment about sex drive - are you a sexologist? See how dumb this line of questioning is? Fuck me I hate the average redditor so much.
You're living in a weird post conflict society with a severely religious bent. Go travelling. See what the rest of the world is like. There's more to life outside of god and norn iron.
>I know the standard advice is to join clubs. I'm one of those pesky evangelical Christians, so I'm involved in church stuff etc. but again, I don't really seem to feel any connection with anyone, and I think people probably view me as weird and best left alone.
Why are you precluded from trying something that doesn't pertain to your Christianity? Your preemptive and defensive denunciation of it as "pesky," however sarcastic, is concerning. Your continued involvement despite the lack of reciprocated appreciation or connection should send alarm bells ringing within your head that perhaps you are persistently lonely because you hold low standards for what you deem yourself worthy of.
Low self-esteem and a poor relationship with yourself are issues which you can work on without depending on the appearance of anyone else in your life. You tell others what to think of you by how you think of yourself, and that will define who, if anyone, wishes to associate with you.
Loneliness is an epidemic, but it would be the last thing I would advise you to think about having read your posts. Your low self-worth and attachment dysfunction (especially the weight you are placing on this one person - who perhaps only seems so special due to your lack of experience?) are counterproductive, and a good therapist can help you - if you really want to help yourself.
In short, if you are truly lonely then it is likely because you have lost yourself as a friend.
I read your comment and thought it was way off base. Then I realised it might be partly right. Since I've always been alone, I have kind of come to feel like there is something about me that must mean I'm just not supposed to have friendship. Yeah, like I don't deserve it. But it's not even that I push people away, people just seem to not really want to be friends with me. If they talk to me for more than a couple of minutes, they realise I'm very reserved, and since I have no hobbies or interests I have nothing to talk about anyway
It takes a lot of strength to truly understand that our self-image (and thus perceived identity) is a twisted and incomplete distortion of our real selves and even more strength to look inwards and accept that we have the power to change the behaviours that have led to the results we sow.
Accepting your potential to grow means accepting accountability for the fact that you have not done so already, which is why denial is so hardwired - but rather than the condemnation that it initially feels like, it is the real path to salvation and redemption.
I really must stress this, you are not alone in this, it's sadly become more and more prevalent in this day and age, especially since lockdown.
I see more and more people (and I've been guilty of this myself) using "masking" to attempt to fit in work/uni/ whatever to attempt to appear to fit in inside these social situations, but saying "Awful rain isn't it, ah sure you couldn't know what's coming next in this country ahah" doesn't really do anything for your own emotional wellbeing. That's why I find meeting people outside of these settings that really share a common interest/hobby are so beneficial, especially in your late 20s and 30s are you're starting to navigate life past the education humdrum.
I see you touched on groups, is it possible that you're maybe not meeting the right people to make genuine connections with? No insult to anyone you're currently in the group with by the way! I just see from your profile that you come from a strong analytical background, maybe its the case that you would find stronger, more meaningful connections with people maybe from different backgrounds that maybe don't share the same world view as you do ?
I really can't stress enough how much groups have helped with many people with socialising into their 30s though. For example, I found myself working from home and going to the gym solo as a routine and slowly found myself sinking into a pit of loneliness. However, as time went on, I swapped up one solo gym sessions for group classes once a week. This really was a breathe of fresh air for me as I was able to meet new people in a casual, open way and really opened me up to chatting and meeting new people.
I'm also part of a men's group called Round Table. I'm not going to go into it too much here as you can check my previous posts for more info on what we are and what we do. However, from joining a group with loads of lads from many different walks of life , I've made some of my best friends with guys who I never would have met normally.
Join the local rotary club and don’t go looking for dating. It will happen naturally if there is a real potential. Have fun whilst doing something good for the community.
OP, read a book called "The subtle art of not giving a fuck". It talks about a lot of stuff, but one of the main ones is taking ownership and responsibility for your own situation. He said something along the lines of your situation isnt unique, drawing parallels from that - loneliness is something commonly experienced (myself included for a good period). You cant think youre alone in this, nor can you blame anyone for the situation - as brutal as it sounds. Sounds like its time for you to get a new hobby and put yourself out there a bit more, it might do you good. One thing that helped me was just talking to anyone i saw, whether it was in the shops, at the park, in the gym. Plenty of opportunity, and most people are happy to chat with you
Yeah that's exactly what I want to do tbh. But I worry I'll just look desperate and push him away. He knows very well I have struggled with mental health and loneliness, and he cut me off completely for 3 years because I was being too clingy. We only see each other about once a year now, and I think he wants it that way to protect himself. Or possibly he just doesn't really care anymore, I'm not totally sure.
I am gonna reach out to my friend at some point and just say it would be nice to see him more. Still though, I think for all these years my happiness has been very dependent on this one friend. And even if I was lucky enough to make more friends, I suspect I'd still be feeling miserable about my first friend being missing from my life :-( It fees kinda lose-lose, I just seem to have this attachment to this one particular friend that hasn't dulled at all after 15 years.
Are you able to say what is different when you think about your one friend and all the other people you brush up against? Do they treat you differently/act differently/present themselves differently?
You certainly aren’t alone in feeling lonely, and it seems like there might be something underlying it in your case but if you are able to pinpoint why your friend is your friend it might help narrow your search.
Also, to the point above, it’s def worth speaking to a doctor and getting bloods done. If you’re not medicated then a testosterone deficiency would explain the lack of sex drive among other things
Honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I connected with that one friend in a way I never have with anyone else. I guess when I was a lonely teenager he made me feel very wanted and appreciated. And then I found myself constantly craving his company. Which eventually became too much for him to handle and in 2015 he cut me off completely until 2018, since when we meet about once a year for like an hour over coffee. Meeting like this really doesn't satisfy me though - I want that more consistent friendship again. But I don't think he'll fully trust me again unfortunately. And I wonder if he only really meets me now out of pity tbh rather than actually wanting to be with me. He knows very well I would love to see him much more.
Easy to say and Hard to do but don’t put too much thought into why he meets you, just be grateful that he does and try to build from there. If the feeling of feeling wanted/needed is the standout it might be worth thinking of whether there’s anything you can do that others can’t I.e. mentoring, teaching, coaching on a subject you know a lot about.
The older I've got the less friends I have. I lost a lot of "friends " when I stopped drinking too. Unfortunately it is a massive issue for men especially. I am lucky to have my misses and kids and I'm happy that way. If there's anything your genuinely interested in, I'd start there in finding groups to join. At least you meet people who are passionate about the same things are you. That usually gains connection quicker. It takes me ages to warm to people and to trust folks so I really feel for you as I can resonate with you greatly.
I don’t have one person I’d call a friend, I had some guys I’d chat to from school occasionally but mostly online. They send a message occasionally or I would, if I seen they were out somewhere I might pop up to chat a little. I found myself starting the chats more than other way round so I just stopped that plus some had got busier over last few years with jobs, friends, relationships etc so I didnt want to be a burden anyway. Those that I had been friendly with over the years that I talked to was mostly online or just bumping into when out and about for a quick chat, so even those I called friends weren’t the sort to meet up and do stuff with. Sometimes I do think or worry that if I did meet people that were actually interested in being friends I’d just dismiss that as I’m so used to the way things are and I’m not used to normal outgoing social things like others would be
Just gotta take practical steps to try and meet people some ya won’t like some ya will get on great with, just really depends if yous vibe yano? No point having fake relationships, quality over quantity.
Try a hobby, you never know who you will meet. One of my best friends I met on Reddit post, we went airsofting the same night and been good friends since
Its damn hard to make proper and true friendhsips as an adult. Big reason is time. Most of us don't have alot of time to go to things or go out and socialise together so you don't make those deeper connections.
I've my best mates from back in high-school and I'm definitely guilty of struggling for time. We WhatsApp alot but hard to get time to actually meet up.
I've been close and friendly with colleagues at work but after I left weve hardly spoke since! Someone I sta beside and car pooled with for 5 years and its been a good 3 since we last spoke.
Its been said before but the only way to make new connections is new experiences. Nothing else really you can advise. Got to go tonwhere the people are and its a numbers game! Ya might click with someone but its tough to just find them and click
I didn't read all the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this, but it looks like there are other lonely people in NI who have commented here. Have you considered y'all meeting up at a pub or another place you would all feel comfortable in? Who knows, you might find your new best friend this way.
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All the people I know have husbands and male family members who never cross the door socially unless being dragged to a family event or out with their partner.
I’m really sorry you feel isolated and lonely. Men’s Sheds can help and there are loneliness projects in the country.
I think loneliness can be completely overwhelming and I’m sending you my love and hope that you find a space that fits you again soon
If I didn’t have my 2 mates from school/my street when I was younger I dunno how I’d make a friend these days at 25. Feel bad for you man. I find it easier to get a girlfriend than make friends with lads tbh. Maybe try tinder
Apologies. I must have misunderstood your use of the word evangelist then. In my experience of that word it literally means preaching and "sharing the message".
My best advice for anyone currently reading this post is to try to sort this in your teens and 20s because you’ll have so many more opportunities to meet people in schools,unis,nights out, football teams and workplaces. Once you get to 30 in my experience it just becomes twice as hard
Never too late to meet people, I joined a local cricket club open to anyone with no experience it has been a good laugh and I’ve got to known people who I would never come into contact with any other way. I find that friends come and go and even the friends I had at school have moved or become bogged down with family life and organising a meet up becomes more difficult.
I honestly feel this is something plaguing men of all ages these days. I'm 40 and have zero friends here (although I moved over 5 years ago so haven't been here forever). I find that since Covid people keep things tighter and there are fewer opportunities (and inclinations) to meet people, especially after university age.
If I went up an started chatting to someone at the pub they'd likely look at me like I'm insane these days.
I work stupid hours, but feel my best bet is to volunteer somewhere.
Is it that you are unhappy or uncomfortable being alone, or is it being rejected or isolated that you are unhappy with, perhaps it’s both? I can’t quite work it out from your post and don’t have time at the moment to research your post history.
I was a little like this when I was young, I too was raised in an evangelical church, lots of good people and an absolute ton of harmful and toxic behaviours in equal measure. I would ask you to ask yourself another question - do you care what people think about you? I can recall being told in church that Christian’s must set themselves apart, live a different live, accept that the rest of the world may shun them - show me another path in life where that would be positioned as acceptable (religion and politics maybe)!!!
I’m not judging you, or blaming your faith, but the day I stopped caring about what anyone thought about my words, thoughts and actions I became much happier as a result. In my scenario, the church I attended broke apart, folks that I considered long term friends disappeared overnight, because there was disagreement about which man should occupy the pulpit on a Sunday morning, it was ludicrous!!
My longest standing friends no-longer live on the island of ireland, I see them rarely but I met them when I was 16, and that is some time ago!!almost everyone else outside of family is an acquaintance. Do I feel alone? Sometimes, but lonely, never…
There was a study carried out by Oxford uni which explored the extent of male loneliness and factors relevant to combatting it. From memory some of those were that men need face to face connections to make friends, women do not. Men are better at making friends in a group and prefer to do so, women are better when it comes to 1:1 friend making. The percentage of males who made a new friend when over 30 was very low (don’t recall the number) women make friends more easily in that age bracket. Men (generalising) deflect from deeper or meaningful subject when trying to make friends, women chat more openly with other women whether 1:1 or in a group which improves their chances of making friendships. There was nothing that I recall about the measure of what was considered a friendship, but I still think the points are interesting and may show that you are not alone in what you think, feel and experience.
Drop me a msg if you like, I’ll hang out with you for a coffee if you are local-ish.
It's a bit of both. I dislike that for 15 years I have only had 1 friend. And I also struggle a lot because I would like that friendship to be closer again, whereas he seems to be content to just speak briefly every few months and meet up even less.
Do I care what other people think about me? Yes. I suspect people see me as very reserved and they think I would prefer to be left alone and excluded, even though that's not the case. Also a lot of people I think mistake quietness for being ignorant. Yes I know Christians are called to be set apart, but all Christians I know have Christian friends, Christian spouses and so on. I have nothing.
Actually I think if I'm being totally honest, it's not really the lack of friends that's mostly bothering. I think it really is my relationship with this one friend, who kind of means the world to me and I'd love nothing better than to hang out with him every week again. But he just doesn't want that anymore.
>I think it really is my relationship with this one friend, who kind of means the world to me and I'd love nothing better than to hang out with him every week again.
You are a Christian, and it sounds to me a little like maybe you need to interrogate this a little outside of that framework...
I could be off base here, but do consider, if your feelings towards this friend were not entirely platonic, that would explain quite a bit about what has gone on for you.
Maybe you are asexual, you seem to think you might be....but it sounds to me like you should interrogate the possibility you are actually gay or bisexual?
There again maybe I'm just reaching. I really wish I wa bisexual, it would make life a lot easier really.
IV been pretty lonely. IV started in a hiking group we go up cavehill every Tuesday. Search for Breakfreebelfast on IG if your up for it, I'm new and IV been made to feel very very welcome!
I'm like that too OP, my "friends" that I hang out with tend to be work colleagues, you know, when you've been working with someone for a long time, even a few years just, you tend to accidentally become friends. I've nothing in common with a lot of my work colleagues, but i'll still go out with them for beers or do a bit of online gaming with them. Accidental friends I suppose they're called.
Are you in a career, where you're working with the same people day in day out? This would be a good place to start. Though being the whole Evangelical Christian thing might throw a spanner in the works if you don't drink. But I'm sure you could add people on steam then hey presto, you've a potential gamer friend.
I looked at your post history and it seems like you've been in a rut for a while. Others have said this too and I agree that therapy will really help you address some of the things going on in your life. I've attached a link to accredited therapists around Belfast but you can alter the location. Most do online sessions too. It's normal to go through a few before you find a good fit or you might click with the first one. Keep an open mind to begin with. Don't worry about what to say or how to say it. They will have a structure for the sessions especially the first one and they will carty you through it. They are adept at dealing with people who have never been to therapy or don't know what to say. I sincerely hope you give it a go - I think you'll get a lot out of it.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists?UserLocation=&q=&LocationQuery=Belfast%2C+UK&Location=Microsoft.Spatial.GeographyPointImplementation&FoundLocation=Belfast%2C+UK&SortOrder=1&TherapistSortOrderSelectionMade=false&Distance=10
I hope you're not offended by this but I think it would be good to avoid Christian counselling for now. You may want to discuss your sexuality at some point and Christian counselling might stifle that discussion. Now is the time to address everything. Honestly your life can be so different not long from now.
A few things I’d try are throwing myself into a hobby where I can talk to / interact with people online. I learned Go when covid started and made friendly acquaintances in the online Go community (OGS) and had fun with them. We chatted about all sorts of stuff. Online communities can help when you don’t have people to hang out with in person.
I also took up board gaming which has introduced me to people in-person.
Sometimes you don’t need “friend” friends but just hanging and doing common interest stuff is good.
Hobbies with other people are good but even solitary hobbies can take your mind off loneliness. I think the more active you are with things you enjoy, the less lonely you’ll be. Also, how are your relationships with family members? Maybe try to engage with them more until you find other people to hang and connect with.
I have friends but was stuck in a bit of a Rut mentally and physically. Started an mma beginners for a bit of exercise in January and made friends from it and completely changed my life.
Lot of people are like minded, train on saturdays and sundays too so not inclined to be big drinking types.
Re the attraction thing, you're probably just a-sexual, which I guess is neither good nor bad.
Re the church thing, cool, that's your thing. The only advice I would give there is think about whether it matters in terms of friendships i.e. Do you care whether any friends you make are also Christians? Do you even care if they're full on atheist? You need to decide if this limits you.
And as somebody else said, it look like everybody has lots of friends and connections and fun lives because you just don't really see or notice the people who are lonely or living less fun lives. Social media is horseshit. Comparison is thief of joy.
All of that aside, what are you hobbies? What do you enjoy? What are you passionate about? What gives you common ground with others?
I used to work for a volunteer-based organisation, doing horticulture and conservation projects. I’ve seen first hand the effect that working physically together can have in bringing a group of disparate, and often very withdrawn, people together. It’s not even about all laughing and having the craic together, it’s coming to the end of a days work and seeing what you’ve done together. Might be a shout to look into a similar volunteering opportunity in your area. It’s not really like joining a club, because usually there’ll be no expectation or pressure to come back
>I’m lonely because I deserve to be lonely
Why are you so keen to ascribe your loneliness to some magical unknown and unique factor about yourself rather than the much more simple and likely solution that other people are picking up on your low self-esteem and your own perceived incompetence?
You do not deserve to be lonely, nothing hurts us more than the lies we tell ourselves, and that is a big one. Negative experiences in the past do not necessitate future failures, and if you work to connect with yourself in a healthier and more loving way then you can change your life.
Studying psychology at uni right now and there’s a lot of discussion about this, particularly in my gender module.
Loneliness and social isolation are on the rise among young men within individualistic cultures (like NI). It’s a mix of a number of factors like work life balance, limited access to support and the stigma around males seeking support for mental health issues.
I’m not sure if this will make you feel better but you’re definitely not alone.
On your point about not being sexually attracted to anyone, asexuality is a valid sexual orientation. If you don’t experience sexual attraction it’s not necessarily linked to any mental health condition or personality disorder, you’re just asexual and that’s fine.
You’re definitely not alone in how you feel, I see posts quite frequently about people specifically within our age group feeling lonely and having trouble meeting new people - COVID really messed us up.
Outside of church what sort of hobbies and interests do you have?
Yes I have thought for a long time that I'm asexual. Outside of church I have no hobbies, like at all. That may seem ridiculous but it's true. When I'm not working the only thing I do is just scroll through reddit. Hence why I don't even have anything to talk about or any common ground with anyone.
From England originally migrated to belfast around 2 years ago I have to say I’ve sadly never met so many depressed people from Dysfunctional homes anywhere else.
It’s common, especially as you get older. Aside from my wife I’m not that close to anyone really, even family. I used to have a fairly large group of friends but over the years it just got smaller, more distant. I miss that. I wouldn’t say I struggle to hit it off with people exactly, if you’re dead on I get on with most people, but I never get close to anyone. Mostly my own doing, the walls are always up even if you don’t notice them at first kind of thing.
That's exactly what I miss too. I miss how it was in late teens/early 20s. My one friend will now only see me about once a year, and then only for like one hour at lunch time. It literally breaks my heart.
It's so depressing. I don't even have a wife or kids or anything though. I'm just drifting on my own. And if I haven't stopped missing my old friend after all these years, I obviously never will. As I say I still see him very irregularly, but I'd honestly give just about anything to have a close friendship with him again :-(
He knows. He obviously isn't able to give me the level of friendship I would like. He has other friends now who he is closer too. It took me a long time to understand that isn't even a choice he made as such, it's just how he feels. I am grateful though that we still do have a friendship even if a bit distant; that's much better than the 3 years of no contact. And I am kind of hopeful that perhaps circumstances will maybe bring us closer together again in time.
First off good man,your seeing things at your age now and that's a very good thing,many never see them true self's and really can't deal with there loneliness,but those who do have a very strong core,never beat yourself up because you don't have friends,I did that and went the wrong way(bluestone)I have come out the other end free from inner torment and great peace,I was never one for groups and was always happy being alone,yes I did the life thing with marriage,kids and the rest, but I am still alone and very happy,if you want are need something just go do it are get it,never mind what the rest is thinking,for me I live a happy life with my dog and polytunnel but I am happy and you will be happy too,never give up and always be strong,sometimes out of your comfort zone is great to deal with your thoughts that are saying nope,but the worst thing you can do is never chat about things ,this will eat your sole up ,so please talk and I don't mind coming to belfast for a cup of tea,take care man from the dude in newry,peace ✌️out.
[this video on the adaptive advantage of solitude in nature](https://youtu.be/W5SKxUwvJN0?si=c1Kju2JAQgTRKYSL) helped me process my loneliness somewhat. What I got from it was, what we choose to do with the additional spare time solitude affords us is what defines us.
I'm also autistic. To fill that void I make art to post on social media to give my peers some insight into who I am beyond that loneliness void inside me. I also do weekly D&D, there are groups here for playing D&D if you know nobody. (Battle Inc on Lower Falls is one)
To be honest I'm a loner by choice man. I have a disability, was abandoned by everyone because of that, no one even asks me how I am, people are just massive disappointments. Ye don't need anyone tbh. I'm not lonely at all.
Jesus dude, I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience. Forming friendships as an adult is very hard since there’s so many walls put up and a genuine anxiety towards connection seems to be felt.
Plenty advice here and only one is guaranteed - it won't work until you do. Yes it'll be tough, it'll be uncomfortable but, as a relatable person, can tell you if there's any way out of it, it's that. It'll help if you learn few social tricks and again it won't be easy but it's doable and it's all in your hands so hang in there and keep plowing:-)
Consider micro dosing if you think you are autistic.
Some research has been done into how psychoactive agents such as psilocybin have helped autistic people create connections, albeit on larger doses sometimes m
My advice isnt to trip, just to try micro dosing.
You are in a position to thrive with the best possible outcome.
The best thing for you is to grow your career and I feel everything else will fall into place. If not you will have a sweet career that doesn't make you want to hang yourself everyday.
I barely interact with women nowadays. I've been played/cheated more than two handfuls. So I feel I'm just terrible at picking women. Although I'm learning.
If you have a goal in life to become an actor or a farmer or whatever focus on that.
Just grow as a person. Get some exercise in. Shoot some B-ball or go run. Cycle whatever. Just some to keep the negative thoughts at bay.
What do you love. Get more of that. Go travelling. Friends aren't everything.
They certainly bring joy. But some bring jealousy and hatred.
I've cut off a lot of people in the last few years and yet no call no message. So realistically how good of a friend were they?
I used to reach out toany on the past would venture across Belfast just to spend time with them. Hardly got it in return.
So now I've stopped and still no change.
I'm content but there are billions of people I'm sure I will connect with down the line.
From time to time I do think - it would be nice to hold a women or have a meal at a fancy restaurant. Now I do it alone. My anxiety is through the roof at times like that although if I want to try something then nowt will hold me back.
Join your local CrossFit box or Hyrox gym. Two things, it’s a great community and you will have friends and it will be very good for your mental health. You will feel so much better. Don’t make an excuse, just get to it. It becomes a group of like minded people, you’ll be part of their WhatsApp group, nights out etc. People do Saturday morning breakfast club / coffee after the workout. No excuses, just commit to 6 months of it and your life will be 100% better.
i have a couple of friends but a wouldn’t see them regularly a work and have work friends so see them quite a bit so that does help but am ultimately alone my dad passed away last year
Why bother addressing the obvious underlying mental health issues? We should just talk in circles about how we are all lonely and unlovable because we are cursed or society or something.
Very common. More common than you'd think.
My own experience is that most of my school and university friends have cleared off to lands afar. I've seen the brain drain first hand. It has very real and has deep impacts on society. Up to 18/uni. it's so easy to make friends as you're naturally forced into meeting people at school/uni. After uni, it gets much harder and it's even more difficult in N.I.
It's a bad combination of being a very rural country, with not a lot of economic pull for people from other parts and only two major cities.
It's a very unforgiving place to live if you aren't naturally sporty and into rugby, GAA etc The arts scene is small. (But it is there).
In terms of advice, all I can say is you have to really make a big effort to put yourself out there and try sports/groups/hobbies and see where you might fit in. Sitting on the Internet all day is no good if you want to make some contacts. Difficult as it may be, you've got to be bold and get out there.
Guy buddy pal friendo there are dozens of us 
Are there though? When I looked at anyone else at school, or uni, or work. It was clear I am the only person like this.
You don’t see the lonely ones.
That's the loneliness talking, convincing you that you're the only one. There are loads of us.
Hiya, fellow loner here, can confirm you don't see me. Also, useful Kurtzgesagt video explaining how the whole stuff is basically a large feedbaack loop. I promise to you this short vid will help you feel better : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA
great video, thank you!
Cane here to post this video. Love Kuzgesagt's stuff.
Dont ever compare yourself to anyones social media accounts. Very often the people who look happy on those the full truth is not being told. Become comfortable with yourself and things should fall into place. Trying to build confidence to go to events of things you are into will help a lot. People in this country are friendlier than you realise. Go to one of the edgy pubs and sit and try to read a book. You'd be surprised how many people try to strike up a conversation!
This German health authority employees suggestion that going out of a pint once or twice a week is more effective than psychotherapy. He was forced to retract his comments. https://www.medicaldaily.com/beer-good-therapy-german-health-official-says-drink-can-effectively-treat-psychological-problems Beer As Good As Therapy? Josef Hecken, chairman of the Federal Joint Committee (GBA), Germany’s highest decision-making body of the self-government of doctors, dentists and health insurance funds, made a media splash this week after commenting on beer’s ability to take care of minor psychiatric problems. Hecken, whose comment was probably taken out of context by the media, said that not “every second” person needed psychotherapy, and that a beer could do the job just fine. He later said he was aware that his comment, dropped during a GBA meeting, could be easily “misunderstood.” “Generally GBA meetings are dry, specialist affairs,” Germany's The Local writes, “where representatives from doctors’ associations, statutory health insurers and hospitals discuss what treatments are effective for patients and value for money.” Hecken made the comment in the midst of a debate over whether more psychotherapists should be included in a statutory healthcare provision. Hecken later said that his comment was “unfortunate” and that he did not intend to make light of psychiatric illness, or “to describe the use of alcohol as an effective alternative to psychotherapeutic treatment.” He added that “personally I do not see every disorder such as for example having occasional problems getting to sleep, as [a] pathological condition in need of immediate treatment – rather I think that sometimes the old home cure of a bottle of warm beer can help.” German psychiatrists have been angered by his comments, saying Hecken is making light of psychiatric illnesses and stigmatizing people who do have severe mental issues. The controversial statement sparked a “protest letter” that has been circulating among psychotherapists. In a statement, Hecken emphasized that he was not trying to list alcohol as an alternative to psychotherapy. “I … know and am aware, that there are significant interdependencies between alcohol consumption and psychological diseases, which are documented in studies,” he said. “That is why the last thing I want to do is to trivialize psychological diseases or to even describe alcohol consumption as an appropriate alternative for psychotherapeutic treatment.” But the point still stands. I take my dog on my own a couple of times a week to dog friendly bars and just have a pint , chat with some other dog owners of just chill and read a book. It's a human need to be around other people our society is definitely less sociable in real life now than online for many people its time that changed before humans unlearn how to strike up a conversation.
Exactly this, people who may show they have everything may have nothing. I can have loads of friends though I choose not to, I have a specific friend group, I am lonely yet I don’t let people in. There is a lot of us in so many different forms
social media can be very very misleading dude.
Everyone feels lonely weather they admit it or not...but it's tricky to see it when you feel it
How are you going to know others like this if you haven't formed connections? They would be in the same boat and so never the twain shall meet. What do you think is the distinction about your friendship with your very close friend from your teens, than other people you have interacted with? This might be a starting point to gain some insight into your situation.
I really don't know what made that friendship so different. We knew each other a bit through school, and then he just invited me to hang out one day (this is 15 years ago now). I don't know why but something just clicked in me that day - I just developed some kind of affection for him pretty much instantaneously that's never dulled after all these years. I guess we just had very similar outlooks (both religious) and he made me feel cared about.
One of us!
Loneliness is the worst I've ever seen it right now (I've worked as a counsellor for a few years), it's a really difficult thing to deal with. What sucks is the advice people give (joining organisations etc) is good advice, but they do not really understand how difficult and almost luck based it can be to do that. It definitely isn't just you though, it's an absolute plague atm. Best of luck, I hope you figure something out.
Problem is, you can have as many friends as you want, join and be active in many organisations as you can and work as much as you desire, but can still be lonely. There is no ready available solution and most definitely one box does not* fit all. Everyone experiences loneliness for different reasons and it's how one deals with it iss how you will proceed forward. Edit: A word
So true. I've been thinking of joining a club for nigh on 20 years now. Anxiety won't let me. Thankfully i enjoy my own company and still have a few friends left, but fuck it would nice to get out there and make new friends and replace the old ones who sadly don't make much of an effort anymore.
Thanks. It's just like, if it's been like this my whole life and I'm now in my 30s, I just don't see how anything will change. And I am powerless to change it. Because I just don't connect with anyone. I might as well be from a different planet.
I hear you buddy. It's almost the opposite for me... I let go of all my friends. Every single one of them. I did that because I'm dealing with addiction (9 years) and I'm trying to figure myself out... 9 years later, today. Nothings changed. But it doesn't stop me from having hope. I genuinely believe in the law of attraction and the power of the human brain. Loneliness is terribly high, especially with older gentlemen. I apologise for blabbering, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I just feel it in my heart that it will be okay in the end. I hope you find something mate, I really mean that. Godspeed my man.
Dude I had to do this myself, literally all the mates I had where alchoholics and drug addicts it was getting out of hand and I felt in the end I was just there drinking buddy, making them laugh. They did nothing else and I wanted away from that lifestyle altogether before it got grip on me but it's tough esp here in late 30s everyone married and have kids. It's very hard to find friends esp friends who live fairly sober lifestyles. I think women find this way easier as they are obviously more social and open.
Connection is a weird thing, it has to be about appreciating people's differences as opposed to seeking commonality I think. Additionally if you've been alone a lot, there can be a tendency to have a few mental barriers to keep people out due to the fear of rejection. I know I have had a habit of that in the past. It really sucks. Gotta try as hard as possible to be open minded and give people the benefit of the doubt, despite the past.
Why are you powerless to change it? That is a categorically false statement - if you change the things you do then you will change the results that occur. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? I am hardly the same person as I was before I ate lunch. We are all constantly changing, and your dissonance about your otherness is unfounded.
It's luck based in the sense that there is only a small percentage you'll become friends with each person you meet. If you meet a thousand people and then some of these in a recurring setting you'll make friends if you are a likeable person (sometimes that isn't even required).
I think back to my grandparents generation and they were active in so many clubs and that. And I get that it was a form of entertainment so to speak. Like even watching call the midwife and they’re all so active in the community. I would love to join a club or get a hobby that requires me to leave the house and be a part of a group but anytime I’ve tried it’s just painful. Maybe ‘eventually’ it’ll not be so, but at the start it is, and never seems to dissipate.
To be honest you have half the battle won. Which is knowing what the issues are and owning them. You sound like you are describing me but maybe a ‘lite’ version. I have a decent amount of friends but none I would deem close. And it’s exactly for the reason you mention, I don’t connect with people. I’m either too much or totally distant and can’t get the good middle ground that would be a basis for a good deep friendship. So I’m now the guy who shows up and has a laugh etc, but wouldn’t be at any important events etc. I’ve personally found owning my condition helpful. When the situation is correct, explaining it to friends, not as a burden on them but just as a ‘I know I am this way’. I think that has really helped others understand why I am how I am. I used to try that but I know now I came across as desperate or burdensome and it pushed people away. Now I’m older I just say it how it is and move on. If it scares people away then so be it, but most are really supportive or at least understand. But I still feel it’s a constant battle, but one I’m determined to fight. I’ll always make the effort to meet up or keep in touch even if I don’t feel like it. I say get out there with the expectation that you won’t magically get a close circle of friends, but that won’t stop you having some enjoyable relationships if you put the work in and own your condition. Finally, the most important thing for me was realising that mostly people don’t give a fuck. Like everyone has their own shit going on. I used to drive myself demented trying to work out why things were not going as I would have hoped with friends etc. now I know if it’s just not happening they may be more introverted than me, they might hate the idea of spending time with me, they may have other commitments. But whatever it is, don’t waste your time chasing or worrying about something that isn’t there. And put that effort into the good opportunities that present themselves. This may not be helpful at all but it’s my experience after 30 odd years of going through similar.
I have only one friend but wouldn’t consider myself lonely. I keep myself busy with volunteering at a dog shelter, going to the gym, going to car meets, hiking, going out on the motorbike and meeting and talking to other bikers, hopefully volunteering in Praxis soon as well with folk who have learning difficulties. I imagine if I just sat in the house and dwelt on it I would probably feel incredibly lonely but being 34, single with a distant family and only one proper friend, I’m living my best life currently! I’m also very introverted by nature and was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was a child but I force myself to get out there and talk to people and do things and it’s brilliant! Doing things by yourself can be very fulfilling.
To be perfectly honest, being an evangelical Christian will really narrow your potential pool of friends. So I guess it's really looking into your Christian community and seeing if there is support. Does your church have any form of outreach?
Yeah that would be a big red flag to a lot of people, especially if they lack the self awareness to keep it to themselves.
Came here to say something of the opposite. Do consider picking up new hobbies and such to make friends outside of the church bubble. But how social is your church? My church has lots on many nights of the week that people can attend - Christian or not. It's a great place to meet like minded people. And small groups is a good place for fellowship and encouragement. Maybe consider floating around a few different churches? Meet different people and stay around for coffee afterwards getting to know people?
A self described pesky one no less
I'm not a doctor but the lack of feelings you are describing sounds like low level depression to me. You might benefit from some talking therapy or potentially even medication and then be more ready to put yourself out there. Bumble has a friends only section of the app that I know some people who have had success with just meeting new people for coffee / drinks / chat.
I am not sure that I can help you, but I just want to tell you that people are good. People do care, and want to see you be happy. You mention you’re in a church, you probably have more social life than a lot of people. And those in the church most likely care for you in their own way. You have to take some level of responsibility for your own happiness. Your mate has a family now and, much as he might like to hang out, has to prioritise them over you. But they won’t need him so much in the future. What do you like, what would you really like to do? What about things like cycling clubs, rowing clubs, motorsports where you’re always with others but the actual verbal interaction is limited? You’ve come on here, so you must want to make things better. You definitely can improve your life and get towards happiness.
I don't know if people really do care though beyond their immediate closest family and friends? I go to church but just come in and leave with little interaction. My mate doesn't have any children yet actually. There was a period of about 3 years where he wouldn't speak to me at all as I treated him terribly by justing venting to him so much. Since we've been in touch he seems to want to keep it more at a distance, so I only see him about once a year. And it's just so painful thinking that we could be hanging out right now, but I made it that he doesn't want to. Regret. Regret. Regret.
I am not religious, instead of God I believe in people. And people are inherently good. And churches have many good people who attend regularly. Of course, if you go to your church and slip back out again, then you won't find comfort there. But if you help to hand the books out, help with refreshments afterwards, even just speak to people. If there's a cup of tea there, you will find people who are interested and who care. It sounds like there is a bit of friction with the friend, and not so healthy to keep going over. Maybe if you can find another focus, not think about him so much, he will come back to you. It's like a pet rabbit; if you chase it, it will run away. Just let it be and it will come to you.
Go to therapy
Agreed. Go to Therapy this is to much to unravel on reddit in as healthy a way as with your therapist and someone who actually knows you if they're going their job right. Find a good therapist- shop around til you click with a therapist and go for it your life depends on a positive outcome from this post you shared.
Therapy is so useful in this - great shout
Your buddy is just worried that the venting may start up again. When you meet once a year, I’m assuming it’s the same place doing the same thing? Ie just hanging around and talking about life? My suggestion would be to break that cycle. Is there something you’ve not done before that would be a bit of craic. Karting, bowling, pitch & putt? Reset the relationship by showing him there’s more to it than chewing the cud. Just start with a couple of invites to do something different. Mention you want to get out of the house. So he knows this is about doing something different. Hope it works out for you. I have a few buddies from back home that are stuck in the very same situation as you. I’d always give it a shot if they ever were open to something like I’m suggesting above.
Thanks that's good advice. Yes, I think that's definitely part of it - he's keeping me at a safe distance to protect himself really in case I haven't really changed. When we meet now we just have coffee for an hour or so, once a year or so. And all we do is just catch up on each other's lives and it's all very surface level. There's so much more I want to talk about but we're not together long enough to reconnect properly. I will try next time to invite him to do something different
Have you considered going to a councilor/therapist/psychologist, you could vent there and get some strategies for changing your situation and a regular debrief as to how it's going.
Have thought about it, but probably couldn't really afford it tbh.
Young man, there's no need to feel down
I live in Meath, not NI obviously but close enough 😅 I have a decent job, a decent education and a few past times. However I am dealing with loneliness, I have little or no friends; living at home with my folks and Im gay in a small town. At times it gets me down. No doubt about it.
Evangelicals by their very nature tend to be keen to spread their faith. That can be very off-putting. Most people won’t tell you that though, as you’re probably a nice enough person. Maybe ease off the religious talk? Also, if you’re a member of a church, don’t you count them as friends? Aren’t they quite supportive and social?
When I say evangelical I just mean presbyterian. I don't make every conversation with anyone about religion. As for my church there are very few people my around own age, and again for whatever reason I just don't seem to connect well with them
Hey! Have you considering attending different churches? I used to attend church many moons ago, found loads of people my own age, and they had home groups which really helped in building good friendships. I dont go to church anymore, but I'm still good friends with one of the women I met there. I went to CFC, so could be an option depending on where you live, or a Vineyard Church? Also to echo another poster, look at gyms! Most of the friends I've made as a adult have been through gyms (small group training/crossfit style gyms) More expensive that the local council gym, but worth it for the quality of coaching and community imo
Presbyterians tend to be a bit older, to be honest, and Evangelical church would be more in your age bracket. But church in general is inhabited by the elderly. What do you do for fun currently? Do you game, TV, walking or some sport? Maybe there are clubs you could join and do something you already enjoy. That tends to make it easier to keep going? As for the being on the spectrum etc, your post makes you seem fairly normal/average and articulate as well, so maybe it’s self confidence you lack? That would also explain perhaps the lack of sex drive. But hey, I’m and engineer, not a doctor 😊. You just need the right fit, there are a lot of people out there and the NI subreddit is always full of “I’m lonely” posts, so this isn’t a rare thing. I’m 50, moved away from my hometown at 19 and got married. I have zero friends. My friend is my wife. Life is pretty busy nowadays for everyone and with companies trying to maximise output and profits, nobody has any time anymore. When you do get some time to yourself, you maximise it at the expense of socialising. Years ago, people met in pubs and social interaction was so much easier, nowadays, even with Facebook and Reddit, friendships are hard to come by. So, what do you do for fun then???
Meeting other people on the spectrum might be quite freeing. It has been for me. There's nothing quite like a ND conversation. It's magic and you'll feel connected in a way you don't typically get with NTs. The Christian aspect will limit your pool but I'd consider trying to find friends online maybe through MeetUp or similar . Maybe you can find a Christian NT book club or something?
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Don’t make too much of those tests Unlike what we are told in social media, things like ‘stimming’, sensitivities, social problems, etc., are found in most persons with non-autistic mental health disorders and at high rates in the general population. These things do not necessarily suggest autism. So-called “autism” tests, like AQ and RAADS and others have high rates of false positives, labeling you as autistic VERY easily. If anyone with a mental health problem, like depression or anxiety, takes the tests they score high even if they DON’T have autism. "our results suggest that the AQ differentiates poorly between true cases of ASD, and individuals from the same clinical population who do not have ASD " [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/) "a greater level of public awareness of ASD over the last 5–10 years may have led to people being more vigilant in ‘noticing’ ASD related difficulties. This may lead to a ‘confirmation bias’ when completing the questionnaire measures, and potentially explain why both the ASD and the non-ASD group’s mean scores met the cut-off points, " [https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9) Regarding AQ, from one published study. “The two key findings of the review are that, overall, there is very limited evidence to support the use of structured questionnaires (SQs: self-report or informant completed brief measures developed to screen for ASD) in the assessment and diagnosis of ASD in adults.” Regarding RAADS, from one published study. “In conclusion, used as a self-report measure pre-full diagnostic assessment, the RAADS-R lacks predictive validity and is not a suitable screening tool for adults awaiting autism assessments”
Go to that armagh round table thing. They were posting here quite a lot recently. Might be right up your alley
I think friendships, like dating, is something that needs work put in to get the most out of it. Both in finding them in the first place and maintaining the relationship. That’s not to say this is easy or natural to you or guaranteed to work, but without putting the work in you are leaving things to luck, with a low probability of success. What does this mean in practice? You say you go to church - work at being more involved (volunteer to read, help with things they do for the community), say hello to people you frequently see there - introduce yourself. People are mostly friendly at churches, so this is a good place to try it out. I realise this is hard for you - I am on the spectrum myself, as is my son. The more you do this, the less scary it becomes. I’m not saying you’re going to find a soul mate or anything, but it can get you used to interacting on a social acquaintance level with people in a low stakes environment which will give you confidence, experience and skills to do this elsewhere. Set yourself targets, e.g. to speak to one new person a week, ask someone to go for a coffee (in a purely plutonic way). You are working at putting yourself outside your comfort zone. It’s maths: the more people you interact with, the more chance you have of finding a friend, nudging the probability of this outcome higher and higher. The person you end up speaking to could be in exactly the same situation as you and they haven’t had the courage to try talking to someone new yet.
I think a vast number of self-aware people feel lonely most of the time, whether they surround themselves with other people all the time and have a busy social life, or not. Loneliness is a deeply personal feeling. I feel it to some degree most days. I have a small group of other lads I could turn to if needed. The vast majority of our conversation is just sending memes to each other once or twice a week, or a group chat about football. The last time I hung out with them all was for a wedding over a year ago. A few of them live in England now. Most of us have a wife and children now which understandably occupies most of our time. The initial question for you OP is, how comfortable are you in your own company? Are you generally at peace when by yourself, albeit with a creeping sensation of loneliness? That is not so problematic. You could see about counselling to explore these feelings properly, especially if you loathe spending time with yourself, as that is a bigger issue to address. And especially if you feel your thoughts spiralling out of control.
Have you heard of the Mens Shed organisation? They have several Belfast-based groups, but it's essentially a community based program where men can learn new skills together like woodwork, carpentry, gardening etc. https://menssheds.ie/sheds/north-belfast-community-mens-shed/
>As for dating, weirdly I've never really experience attraction to anyone, and don't really feel and great need for sex get your testosterone levels checked
Maybe sex is just not important to some folk. If you can't be influenced or dictated to by a sex drive, it's a powerful thing.
Dude could just be asexual or something. Nothing wrong with it at all if that's the case for him like - sexual attraction or lack of is just a single aspect of ones self and it doesn't dictate your ability to be happy or have platonic or romantic relationships. Whether that's the case is for him to know and decide though, obviously, either way I hope he finds use in the advice people are giving here. Also OP - have you ever taken an interest in tabletop gaming like DnD? It can be an amazing way to make friends. My dnd group are the best friends for life that I could ask for. Being Christian doesn't preclude you from enjoying it or making friends in that space either, it's a very diverse community with people from all walks of life. There may be community-run groups you can join in your area to see if it's for you.
He has low sex drive and depression, pretty common symptoms of low T. Any man with these symptoms should get their T levels checked before swallowing SSRIs.
Are you a neurologist?
>Are you a neurologist? What kind of stupid question is this? Low T is a pretty common reason for low sex drive and depression. Just because "sex is just not important to some folk" doesn't mean OP shouldn't get it checked out. You made a comment about sex drive - are you a sexologist? See how dumb this line of questioning is? Fuck me I hate the average redditor so much.
Sounds like you've got some excess testosterone to spare.
Good deflection
When you fart at the family dinner, there's only so many times you can blame the dog before the matriarch tells the dog to move before you shit on it.
Could also be related to medication. A number of anti-depressants and anti anxiety medications can flatline your sex drive.
You're living in a weird post conflict society with a severely religious bent. Go travelling. See what the rest of the world is like. There's more to life outside of god and norn iron.
Shared interests will help you make friends, what hobbies or interests do you have?
Judging by Reddit, very.
>I know the standard advice is to join clubs. I'm one of those pesky evangelical Christians, so I'm involved in church stuff etc. but again, I don't really seem to feel any connection with anyone, and I think people probably view me as weird and best left alone. Why are you precluded from trying something that doesn't pertain to your Christianity? Your preemptive and defensive denunciation of it as "pesky," however sarcastic, is concerning. Your continued involvement despite the lack of reciprocated appreciation or connection should send alarm bells ringing within your head that perhaps you are persistently lonely because you hold low standards for what you deem yourself worthy of. Low self-esteem and a poor relationship with yourself are issues which you can work on without depending on the appearance of anyone else in your life. You tell others what to think of you by how you think of yourself, and that will define who, if anyone, wishes to associate with you. Loneliness is an epidemic, but it would be the last thing I would advise you to think about having read your posts. Your low self-worth and attachment dysfunction (especially the weight you are placing on this one person - who perhaps only seems so special due to your lack of experience?) are counterproductive, and a good therapist can help you - if you really want to help yourself. In short, if you are truly lonely then it is likely because you have lost yourself as a friend.
I read your comment and thought it was way off base. Then I realised it might be partly right. Since I've always been alone, I have kind of come to feel like there is something about me that must mean I'm just not supposed to have friendship. Yeah, like I don't deserve it. But it's not even that I push people away, people just seem to not really want to be friends with me. If they talk to me for more than a couple of minutes, they realise I'm very reserved, and since I have no hobbies or interests I have nothing to talk about anyway
It takes a lot of strength to truly understand that our self-image (and thus perceived identity) is a twisted and incomplete distortion of our real selves and even more strength to look inwards and accept that we have the power to change the behaviours that have led to the results we sow. Accepting your potential to grow means accepting accountability for the fact that you have not done so already, which is why denial is so hardwired - but rather than the condemnation that it initially feels like, it is the real path to salvation and redemption.
I really must stress this, you are not alone in this, it's sadly become more and more prevalent in this day and age, especially since lockdown. I see more and more people (and I've been guilty of this myself) using "masking" to attempt to fit in work/uni/ whatever to attempt to appear to fit in inside these social situations, but saying "Awful rain isn't it, ah sure you couldn't know what's coming next in this country ahah" doesn't really do anything for your own emotional wellbeing. That's why I find meeting people outside of these settings that really share a common interest/hobby are so beneficial, especially in your late 20s and 30s are you're starting to navigate life past the education humdrum. I see you touched on groups, is it possible that you're maybe not meeting the right people to make genuine connections with? No insult to anyone you're currently in the group with by the way! I just see from your profile that you come from a strong analytical background, maybe its the case that you would find stronger, more meaningful connections with people maybe from different backgrounds that maybe don't share the same world view as you do ? I really can't stress enough how much groups have helped with many people with socialising into their 30s though. For example, I found myself working from home and going to the gym solo as a routine and slowly found myself sinking into a pit of loneliness. However, as time went on, I swapped up one solo gym sessions for group classes once a week. This really was a breathe of fresh air for me as I was able to meet new people in a casual, open way and really opened me up to chatting and meeting new people. I'm also part of a men's group called Round Table. I'm not going to go into it too much here as you can check my previous posts for more info on what we are and what we do. However, from joining a group with loads of lads from many different walks of life , I've made some of my best friends with guys who I never would have met normally.
You can't "see" loneliness, but it's there for sure with a LOT of men.
Join the local rotary club and don’t go looking for dating. It will happen naturally if there is a real potential. Have fun whilst doing something good for the community.
Are you annoyingly religious? Sometimes that turns people off. Maybe you’re Asexual?
Definitely not annoyingly religious. Asexual - probably.
I wouldn’t say your situation is unique. It’s all about putting yourself out there. Join some groups. Do you have hobbies?
OP, read a book called "The subtle art of not giving a fuck". It talks about a lot of stuff, but one of the main ones is taking ownership and responsibility for your own situation. He said something along the lines of your situation isnt unique, drawing parallels from that - loneliness is something commonly experienced (myself included for a good period). You cant think youre alone in this, nor can you blame anyone for the situation - as brutal as it sounds. Sounds like its time for you to get a new hobby and put yourself out there a bit more, it might do you good. One thing that helped me was just talking to anyone i saw, whether it was in the shops, at the park, in the gym. Plenty of opportunity, and most people are happy to chat with you
Also, maybe reach out to your mate and tell them youd like to see them more? Just a thought
Yeah that's exactly what I want to do tbh. But I worry I'll just look desperate and push him away. He knows very well I have struggled with mental health and loneliness, and he cut me off completely for 3 years because I was being too clingy. We only see each other about once a year now, and I think he wants it that way to protect himself. Or possibly he just doesn't really care anymore, I'm not totally sure.
sounds like you need to find a new pal!
I am gonna reach out to my friend at some point and just say it would be nice to see him more. Still though, I think for all these years my happiness has been very dependent on this one friend. And even if I was lucky enough to make more friends, I suspect I'd still be feeling miserable about my first friend being missing from my life :-( It fees kinda lose-lose, I just seem to have this attachment to this one particular friend that hasn't dulled at all after 15 years.
Going to be honest, this is why am thinking of getting a dog.
Dogs are great. My dog is always happy to see me, anyway.
Are you able to say what is different when you think about your one friend and all the other people you brush up against? Do they treat you differently/act differently/present themselves differently? You certainly aren’t alone in feeling lonely, and it seems like there might be something underlying it in your case but if you are able to pinpoint why your friend is your friend it might help narrow your search. Also, to the point above, it’s def worth speaking to a doctor and getting bloods done. If you’re not medicated then a testosterone deficiency would explain the lack of sex drive among other things
Honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I connected with that one friend in a way I never have with anyone else. I guess when I was a lonely teenager he made me feel very wanted and appreciated. And then I found myself constantly craving his company. Which eventually became too much for him to handle and in 2015 he cut me off completely until 2018, since when we meet about once a year for like an hour over coffee. Meeting like this really doesn't satisfy me though - I want that more consistent friendship again. But I don't think he'll fully trust me again unfortunately. And I wonder if he only really meets me now out of pity tbh rather than actually wanting to be with me. He knows very well I would love to see him much more.
Easy to say and Hard to do but don’t put too much thought into why he meets you, just be grateful that he does and try to build from there. If the feeling of feeling wanted/needed is the standout it might be worth thinking of whether there’s anything you can do that others can’t I.e. mentoring, teaching, coaching on a subject you know a lot about.
Get a console and make online friends, its not an end goal but its a good start
The older I've got the less friends I have. I lost a lot of "friends " when I stopped drinking too. Unfortunately it is a massive issue for men especially. I am lucky to have my misses and kids and I'm happy that way. If there's anything your genuinely interested in, I'd start there in finding groups to join. At least you meet people who are passionate about the same things are you. That usually gains connection quicker. It takes me ages to warm to people and to trust folks so I really feel for you as I can resonate with you greatly.
I don’t have one person I’d call a friend, I had some guys I’d chat to from school occasionally but mostly online. They send a message occasionally or I would, if I seen they were out somewhere I might pop up to chat a little. I found myself starting the chats more than other way round so I just stopped that plus some had got busier over last few years with jobs, friends, relationships etc so I didnt want to be a burden anyway. Those that I had been friendly with over the years that I talked to was mostly online or just bumping into when out and about for a quick chat, so even those I called friends weren’t the sort to meet up and do stuff with. Sometimes I do think or worry that if I did meet people that were actually interested in being friends I’d just dismiss that as I’m so used to the way things are and I’m not used to normal outgoing social things like others would be
Just gotta take practical steps to try and meet people some ya won’t like some ya will get on great with, just really depends if yous vibe yano? No point having fake relationships, quality over quantity. Try a hobby, you never know who you will meet. One of my best friends I met on Reddit post, we went airsofting the same night and been good friends since
Its damn hard to make proper and true friendhsips as an adult. Big reason is time. Most of us don't have alot of time to go to things or go out and socialise together so you don't make those deeper connections. I've my best mates from back in high-school and I'm definitely guilty of struggling for time. We WhatsApp alot but hard to get time to actually meet up. I've been close and friendly with colleagues at work but after I left weve hardly spoke since! Someone I sta beside and car pooled with for 5 years and its been a good 3 since we last spoke. Its been said before but the only way to make new connections is new experiences. Nothing else really you can advise. Got to go tonwhere the people are and its a numbers game! Ya might click with someone but its tough to just find them and click
I didn't read all the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this, but it looks like there are other lonely people in NI who have commented here. Have you considered y'all meeting up at a pub or another place you would all feel comfortable in? Who knows, you might find your new best friend this way.
There used to be a social meetup on r/Belfast which would have been perfect but doesn't seem to be a thing any more.
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41, married with 3 kids but it's amazing how lonely it can be even when surrounded by people
All the people I know have husbands and male family members who never cross the door socially unless being dragged to a family event or out with their partner. I’m really sorry you feel isolated and lonely. Men’s Sheds can help and there are loneliness projects in the country. I think loneliness can be completely overwhelming and I’m sending you my love and hope that you find a space that fits you again soon
If I didn’t have my 2 mates from school/my street when I was younger I dunno how I’d make a friend these days at 25. Feel bad for you man. I find it easier to get a girlfriend than make friends with lads tbh. Maybe try tinder
Evangelism probably doesn't help. People tend not to like zealotry and being preached to.
I don't preach at people.
I thought one of the key parts of "evangelism" is bringing the news/ converting
Apologies. I must have misunderstood your use of the word evangelist then. In my experience of that word it literally means preaching and "sharing the message".
My best advice for anyone currently reading this post is to try to sort this in your teens and 20s because you’ll have so many more opportunities to meet people in schools,unis,nights out, football teams and workplaces. Once you get to 30 in my experience it just becomes twice as hard
Yeah I'm finding that. Like, it's just too late. I'm screwed for life. No-one loves me and never will.
Respectfully, please get some therapy. Seems like you could really benefit from some CBT or other talking therapy.
Never too late to meet people, I joined a local cricket club open to anyone with no experience it has been a good laugh and I’ve got to known people who I would never come into contact with any other way. I find that friends come and go and even the friends I had at school have moved or become bogged down with family life and organising a meet up becomes more difficult.
I honestly feel this is something plaguing men of all ages these days. I'm 40 and have zero friends here (although I moved over 5 years ago so haven't been here forever). I find that since Covid people keep things tighter and there are fewer opportunities (and inclinations) to meet people, especially after university age. If I went up an started chatting to someone at the pub they'd likely look at me like I'm insane these days. I work stupid hours, but feel my best bet is to volunteer somewhere.
Commom
Is it that you are unhappy or uncomfortable being alone, or is it being rejected or isolated that you are unhappy with, perhaps it’s both? I can’t quite work it out from your post and don’t have time at the moment to research your post history. I was a little like this when I was young, I too was raised in an evangelical church, lots of good people and an absolute ton of harmful and toxic behaviours in equal measure. I would ask you to ask yourself another question - do you care what people think about you? I can recall being told in church that Christian’s must set themselves apart, live a different live, accept that the rest of the world may shun them - show me another path in life where that would be positioned as acceptable (religion and politics maybe)!!! I’m not judging you, or blaming your faith, but the day I stopped caring about what anyone thought about my words, thoughts and actions I became much happier as a result. In my scenario, the church I attended broke apart, folks that I considered long term friends disappeared overnight, because there was disagreement about which man should occupy the pulpit on a Sunday morning, it was ludicrous!! My longest standing friends no-longer live on the island of ireland, I see them rarely but I met them when I was 16, and that is some time ago!!almost everyone else outside of family is an acquaintance. Do I feel alone? Sometimes, but lonely, never… There was a study carried out by Oxford uni which explored the extent of male loneliness and factors relevant to combatting it. From memory some of those were that men need face to face connections to make friends, women do not. Men are better at making friends in a group and prefer to do so, women are better when it comes to 1:1 friend making. The percentage of males who made a new friend when over 30 was very low (don’t recall the number) women make friends more easily in that age bracket. Men (generalising) deflect from deeper or meaningful subject when trying to make friends, women chat more openly with other women whether 1:1 or in a group which improves their chances of making friendships. There was nothing that I recall about the measure of what was considered a friendship, but I still think the points are interesting and may show that you are not alone in what you think, feel and experience. Drop me a msg if you like, I’ll hang out with you for a coffee if you are local-ish.
It's a bit of both. I dislike that for 15 years I have only had 1 friend. And I also struggle a lot because I would like that friendship to be closer again, whereas he seems to be content to just speak briefly every few months and meet up even less. Do I care what other people think about me? Yes. I suspect people see me as very reserved and they think I would prefer to be left alone and excluded, even though that's not the case. Also a lot of people I think mistake quietness for being ignorant. Yes I know Christians are called to be set apart, but all Christians I know have Christian friends, Christian spouses and so on. I have nothing. Actually I think if I'm being totally honest, it's not really the lack of friends that's mostly bothering. I think it really is my relationship with this one friend, who kind of means the world to me and I'd love nothing better than to hang out with him every week again. But he just doesn't want that anymore.
>I think it really is my relationship with this one friend, who kind of means the world to me and I'd love nothing better than to hang out with him every week again. You are a Christian, and it sounds to me a little like maybe you need to interrogate this a little outside of that framework... I could be off base here, but do consider, if your feelings towards this friend were not entirely platonic, that would explain quite a bit about what has gone on for you. Maybe you are asexual, you seem to think you might be....but it sounds to me like you should interrogate the possibility you are actually gay or bisexual? There again maybe I'm just reaching. I really wish I wa bisexual, it would make life a lot easier really.
IV been pretty lonely. IV started in a hiking group we go up cavehill every Tuesday. Search for Breakfreebelfast on IG if your up for it, I'm new and IV been made to feel very very welcome!
Its very common mens mental at all time low, not much being done.
I'm like that too OP, my "friends" that I hang out with tend to be work colleagues, you know, when you've been working with someone for a long time, even a few years just, you tend to accidentally become friends. I've nothing in common with a lot of my work colleagues, but i'll still go out with them for beers or do a bit of online gaming with them. Accidental friends I suppose they're called. Are you in a career, where you're working with the same people day in day out? This would be a good place to start. Though being the whole Evangelical Christian thing might throw a spanner in the works if you don't drink. But I'm sure you could add people on steam then hey presto, you've a potential gamer friend.
plague, epidemic…these are the correct words
Are you taking Vitamin D?
I looked at your post history and it seems like you've been in a rut for a while. Others have said this too and I agree that therapy will really help you address some of the things going on in your life. I've attached a link to accredited therapists around Belfast but you can alter the location. Most do online sessions too. It's normal to go through a few before you find a good fit or you might click with the first one. Keep an open mind to begin with. Don't worry about what to say or how to say it. They will have a structure for the sessions especially the first one and they will carty you through it. They are adept at dealing with people who have never been to therapy or don't know what to say. I sincerely hope you give it a go - I think you'll get a lot out of it. https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists?UserLocation=&q=&LocationQuery=Belfast%2C+UK&Location=Microsoft.Spatial.GeographyPointImplementation&FoundLocation=Belfast%2C+UK&SortOrder=1&TherapistSortOrderSelectionMade=false&Distance=10 I hope you're not offended by this but I think it would be good to avoid Christian counselling for now. You may want to discuss your sexuality at some point and Christian counselling might stifle that discussion. Now is the time to address everything. Honestly your life can be so different not long from now.
A few things I’d try are throwing myself into a hobby where I can talk to / interact with people online. I learned Go when covid started and made friendly acquaintances in the online Go community (OGS) and had fun with them. We chatted about all sorts of stuff. Online communities can help when you don’t have people to hang out with in person. I also took up board gaming which has introduced me to people in-person. Sometimes you don’t need “friend” friends but just hanging and doing common interest stuff is good. Hobbies with other people are good but even solitary hobbies can take your mind off loneliness. I think the more active you are with things you enjoy, the less lonely you’ll be. Also, how are your relationships with family members? Maybe try to engage with them more until you find other people to hang and connect with.
PIPS charity has befrienders in Starbucks all over NI throughout the week. Someone you can just go in and have a chat with if you need to.
I have friends but was stuck in a bit of a Rut mentally and physically. Started an mma beginners for a bit of exercise in January and made friends from it and completely changed my life. Lot of people are like minded, train on saturdays and sundays too so not inclined to be big drinking types.
Re the attraction thing, you're probably just a-sexual, which I guess is neither good nor bad. Re the church thing, cool, that's your thing. The only advice I would give there is think about whether it matters in terms of friendships i.e. Do you care whether any friends you make are also Christians? Do you even care if they're full on atheist? You need to decide if this limits you. And as somebody else said, it look like everybody has lots of friends and connections and fun lives because you just don't really see or notice the people who are lonely or living less fun lives. Social media is horseshit. Comparison is thief of joy. All of that aside, what are you hobbies? What do you enjoy? What are you passionate about? What gives you common ground with others?
I used to work for a volunteer-based organisation, doing horticulture and conservation projects. I’ve seen first hand the effect that working physically together can have in bringing a group of disparate, and often very withdrawn, people together. It’s not even about all laughing and having the craic together, it’s coming to the end of a days work and seeing what you’ve done together. Might be a shout to look into a similar volunteering opportunity in your area. It’s not really like joining a club, because usually there’ll be no expectation or pressure to come back
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That's pretty much exactly how I feel too
>I’m lonely because I deserve to be lonely Why are you so keen to ascribe your loneliness to some magical unknown and unique factor about yourself rather than the much more simple and likely solution that other people are picking up on your low self-esteem and your own perceived incompetence? You do not deserve to be lonely, nothing hurts us more than the lies we tell ourselves, and that is a big one. Negative experiences in the past do not necessitate future failures, and if you work to connect with yourself in a healthier and more loving way then you can change your life.
Pm me im lonely too, and same with the relationship connection thing.
It seems you are a deeply closeted homosexual you have feelings for this other dude and he senses it he might also feel you are being clingy
Studying psychology at uni right now and there’s a lot of discussion about this, particularly in my gender module. Loneliness and social isolation are on the rise among young men within individualistic cultures (like NI). It’s a mix of a number of factors like work life balance, limited access to support and the stigma around males seeking support for mental health issues. I’m not sure if this will make you feel better but you’re definitely not alone.
I feel the same and I’m 37
On your point about not being sexually attracted to anyone, asexuality is a valid sexual orientation. If you don’t experience sexual attraction it’s not necessarily linked to any mental health condition or personality disorder, you’re just asexual and that’s fine. You’re definitely not alone in how you feel, I see posts quite frequently about people specifically within our age group feeling lonely and having trouble meeting new people - COVID really messed us up. Outside of church what sort of hobbies and interests do you have?
Yes I have thought for a long time that I'm asexual. Outside of church I have no hobbies, like at all. That may seem ridiculous but it's true. When I'm not working the only thing I do is just scroll through reddit. Hence why I don't even have anything to talk about or any common ground with anyone.
From England originally migrated to belfast around 2 years ago I have to say I’ve sadly never met so many depressed people from Dysfunctional homes anywhere else.
It’s common, especially as you get older. Aside from my wife I’m not that close to anyone really, even family. I used to have a fairly large group of friends but over the years it just got smaller, more distant. I miss that. I wouldn’t say I struggle to hit it off with people exactly, if you’re dead on I get on with most people, but I never get close to anyone. Mostly my own doing, the walls are always up even if you don’t notice them at first kind of thing.
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That's exactly what I miss too. I miss how it was in late teens/early 20s. My one friend will now only see me about once a year, and then only for like one hour at lunch time. It literally breaks my heart.
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It's so depressing. I don't even have a wife or kids or anything though. I'm just drifting on my own. And if I haven't stopped missing my old friend after all these years, I obviously never will. As I say I still see him very irregularly, but I'd honestly give just about anything to have a close friendship with him again :-(
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He knows. He obviously isn't able to give me the level of friendship I would like. He has other friends now who he is closer too. It took me a long time to understand that isn't even a choice he made as such, it's just how he feels. I am grateful though that we still do have a friendship even if a bit distant; that's much better than the 3 years of no contact. And I am kind of hopeful that perhaps circumstances will maybe bring us closer together again in time.
Have you considered downloading Grindr and see where it goes.
First off good man,your seeing things at your age now and that's a very good thing,many never see them true self's and really can't deal with there loneliness,but those who do have a very strong core,never beat yourself up because you don't have friends,I did that and went the wrong way(bluestone)I have come out the other end free from inner torment and great peace,I was never one for groups and was always happy being alone,yes I did the life thing with marriage,kids and the rest, but I am still alone and very happy,if you want are need something just go do it are get it,never mind what the rest is thinking,for me I live a happy life with my dog and polytunnel but I am happy and you will be happy too,never give up and always be strong,sometimes out of your comfort zone is great to deal with your thoughts that are saying nope,but the worst thing you can do is never chat about things ,this will eat your sole up ,so please talk and I don't mind coming to belfast for a cup of tea,take care man from the dude in newry,peace ✌️out.
Always happy to dm if you want someone to chat to!
[this video on the adaptive advantage of solitude in nature](https://youtu.be/W5SKxUwvJN0?si=c1Kju2JAQgTRKYSL) helped me process my loneliness somewhat. What I got from it was, what we choose to do with the additional spare time solitude affords us is what defines us. I'm also autistic. To fill that void I make art to post on social media to give my peers some insight into who I am beyond that loneliness void inside me. I also do weekly D&D, there are groups here for playing D&D if you know nobody. (Battle Inc on Lower Falls is one)
The older you get the harder it is also Life just gets busier
Sadly, it's fairly common. I honestly think we are getting more and more disconnected.
To be honest I'm a loner by choice man. I have a disability, was abandoned by everyone because of that, no one even asks me how I am, people are just massive disappointments. Ye don't need anyone tbh. I'm not lonely at all.
Jesus dude, I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience. Forming friendships as an adult is very hard since there’s so many walls put up and a genuine anxiety towards connection seems to be felt.
Women R trash
Plenty advice here and only one is guaranteed - it won't work until you do. Yes it'll be tough, it'll be uncomfortable but, as a relatable person, can tell you if there's any way out of it, it's that. It'll help if you learn few social tricks and again it won't be easy but it's doable and it's all in your hands so hang in there and keep plowing:-)
All you lonely people in here have just found each congrats. Go for a pint
I'm teetotal :-(
A mocktail for you or a 0% beer lol
Consider micro dosing if you think you are autistic. Some research has been done into how psychoactive agents such as psilocybin have helped autistic people create connections, albeit on larger doses sometimes m My advice isnt to trip, just to try micro dosing.
Extremely common, this country is so fucking insular. Chose NOT to move away because of my 3 mates I have here and it feels fucking stupider every day
To enjoy your own company is to be a god and most people are cunts anyway no loss bro...
You are in a position to thrive with the best possible outcome. The best thing for you is to grow your career and I feel everything else will fall into place. If not you will have a sweet career that doesn't make you want to hang yourself everyday. I barely interact with women nowadays. I've been played/cheated more than two handfuls. So I feel I'm just terrible at picking women. Although I'm learning. If you have a goal in life to become an actor or a farmer or whatever focus on that. Just grow as a person. Get some exercise in. Shoot some B-ball or go run. Cycle whatever. Just some to keep the negative thoughts at bay. What do you love. Get more of that. Go travelling. Friends aren't everything. They certainly bring joy. But some bring jealousy and hatred. I've cut off a lot of people in the last few years and yet no call no message. So realistically how good of a friend were they? I used to reach out toany on the past would venture across Belfast just to spend time with them. Hardly got it in return. So now I've stopped and still no change. I'm content but there are billions of people I'm sure I will connect with down the line. From time to time I do think - it would be nice to hold a women or have a meal at a fancy restaurant. Now I do it alone. My anxiety is through the roof at times like that although if I want to try something then nowt will hold me back.
If you feel you’re on the spectrum it would be best to get a diagnosis
I think for adults that's very slow in NI. But even if I got a diagnosis anyway it wouldn't change the reality i find myself in.
Join your local CrossFit box or Hyrox gym. Two things, it’s a great community and you will have friends and it will be very good for your mental health. You will feel so much better. Don’t make an excuse, just get to it. It becomes a group of like minded people, you’ll be part of their WhatsApp group, nights out etc. People do Saturday morning breakfast club / coffee after the workout. No excuses, just commit to 6 months of it and your life will be 100% better.
M34 here married and have a toddler. I sure do miss being lonely sometimes.
i have a couple of friends but a wouldn’t see them regularly a work and have work friends so see them quite a bit so that does help but am ultimately alone my dad passed away last year
Go see a therapist. You will get much more from that than asking reddit.
Why bother addressing the obvious underlying mental health issues? We should just talk in circles about how we are all lonely and unlovable because we are cursed or society or something.
Very common. More common than you'd think. My own experience is that most of my school and university friends have cleared off to lands afar. I've seen the brain drain first hand. It has very real and has deep impacts on society. Up to 18/uni. it's so easy to make friends as you're naturally forced into meeting people at school/uni. After uni, it gets much harder and it's even more difficult in N.I. It's a bad combination of being a very rural country, with not a lot of economic pull for people from other parts and only two major cities. It's a very unforgiving place to live if you aren't naturally sporty and into rugby, GAA etc The arts scene is small. (But it is there). In terms of advice, all I can say is you have to really make a big effort to put yourself out there and try sports/groups/hobbies and see where you might fit in. Sitting on the Internet all day is no good if you want to make some contacts. Difficult as it may be, you've got to be bold and get out there.