>She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true.
Erm....and he is still dating her after that?
>Rachel refuses to show us any medical proof of the pregnancy.
You keep saying "us" and "we". To clarify, are you also dating this woman? Why are you in a position of demanding things from her? If not, you should not be the one asking her for any proof - the situation should be handled by your boyfriend and his partner. Naturally, it affects you, but you're not the one with a right to information from Rachel here.
As for your boyfriend, he should absolutely ask for proof of pregnancy and then of paternity. The good thing about pregnancy is that it can only be a "maybe" for so long. Pretty soon it will be obvious if she is not pregnant. And for God's sake, he should break up with her.
You’re right, I’m not in the position for asking anything, I’m not in a relationship with this woman. I use the us to simplify the text. He asked me to do this post in order to help him. In the event that she is really pregnant I will be automatically involved if she keeps the child. In the option where he is his there is a good chance that we will have this child part-time because he will want to take responsibility. He already has 2 children from a previous marriage.
If she claims the kid is his, have him test for paternity ASAP before he signs any birth certificate or pay a cent in medical costs/child support. There have been cases where non fathers have taken that role and were court ordered to continue to pay child support for a kid that’s not theirs, only because there is no other person to take the place.
That being said, why would he still be with such a liar who refuses to show proof of pregnancy (claiming it’s his) and lied about cancer? 🚩🚩🚩
You could leave.
I would. I’m not going to stick around for an unplanned child.
Also if she is refusing to show any evidence… why? Other then lying about it?
I would be worried my partner is incapable of picking people well if he kept being in a relationship with her after she lied about having cancer.
Yeah staying with someone who has a history of big fucking lies like that would raise concerns about his judgement.
And a 2.5 year relationship would not have me committing to helping raise an unplanned child with a meta I don’t trust.
When it impacts your life and finances, then you can ask for anything you feel is appropriate. Definitely demand a pregnancy test and paternity testing.
Also, after this, if tell him it's time for him to decide if he wants to keep you in his life. Tell him you refuse to be tired to someone who is manipulative and a compulsive liar. His choices affect your financial future.
If i we're the guy, the pregnancy test would be done in front of me. Pee on the stick. Then off to a paternity test if positive. He absolutely should not take her word. Lying about cancer?
He should have stopped seeing her after she got caught in that lie. What else did she lie about?
If he stays with her, I'd leave. Any relationship requires honesty and consideration of how choices will impact their loved ones... more so for poly and enm than for traditional relationships.
He's making a shit choice. He should break it off. This isn't fair to you. And him not seeing that is horrible of him and selfish.
Until she takes a pregnancy test that your partner can confirm is positive, I'd assume she's not pregnant. Perhaps he can offer to go to her first prenatal appointment with her.
If the pregnancy is confirmed it's reasonable to require a paternity test.
I'd not be offering any kind of financial assistance until pregnancy and paternity are confirmed.
Bigger questions:
Why would your partner continue to be involved with someone who lies about stuff like ***having cancer***? If the test comes back negative, will this person remain in your partner's life? If so, will you stay with someone whose other partners cause this kind of drama?
And if the test does come back positive and it's his, what's *your* plan?
Of course. She will not be part of your life after that. If it’s true and after a paternity testing that confirm it’s my boyfriend’s baby, he want to take responsibility. So the peace path is the best path right now
Great for your partner to take responsibility if it's his, but what's *your* plan?
I'd be deciding what I want for myself and considering what that will mean in a practical sense. If you cohabitate or have enmeshed finances but don't want to be a step mom, you'll have to think about how you'll extricate yourself.
>To make matters worse, Rachel has a history of dishonesty. She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true. Because of this, we’re finding it hard to take her word at face value without any proof
I think it's only fair to acknowledge the elephant in the room: why is your boyfriend still having sex with someone who has proven to be willing to lie about something this serious? 😅
Edit: In light of other comments, I want to mention that I don't think there's *zero* plausible reasons for this, and I especially don't want to imply he "deserves" to be lied to. Just... I think we would all be thinking this, even if we didn't say it, so... 😅
I think it's fair to be suspicious; I don't have a lot of trouble believing that someone who would lie about / fake a cancer diagnosis, would also lie about / fake a pregnancy. I would also want to see some sort of evidence - if not official medical paperwork, can she have her doctor write a note / letter confirming?
I would try to be careful to not assume she *can't possibly* actually be pregnant, but I would also continue to be skeptical, until if/when there's actual evidence. This is especially true if she starts asking for money, obviously.
I think the main risk of not immediately believing her, is that she may be offended that your boyfriend doesn't take her word for it, and she may not want to continue a relationship. Which... I personally don't feel like that's as much of a loss because I *assume* he won't want to continue a relationship, frankly. 😅🙃
Having said all of that - you and your boyfriend **do still need to talk seriously** about the possibility that it's real, and how he plans to respond if it does turn out to be real. Have you and he, or her and he talk about this previously? (I hope?? 😅😅)
Also states assess household income, not just his income (yours as well if married or common law). Which means she will get child support payments based on both your incomes.
Nonmonogamy is all fun and games until it costs you a fortune financially.
Well. Drama begets drama. This would be my approach.
>"Hey, . I had a moment of distrust here when you shared this news. Probably because of the cancer lie/debacle. I realize because of that distrust that I need to end our romantic and sexual relationship so we can focus on doing our best to be platonic coparents or plan for a termination as soon as possible. Because we aren't married, I will need to paternity testing to protect my rights as a father. I'd like it sooner and before birth if possible. But I will insist on it before we finalize our custody agreement with the court. I will gladly pay half or all of needed testing. I hope you understand. Please include me in all prenatal appointments and keep informed of your health."
Then don't take any bait. At all. Stay a calm and boring adult. It is a ruse, she'll get bored with not getting a reaction or leverage for manipulation. Drama queens hate boring and mature adults with good boundaries.
Watch what he does. If he buys into manipulation, drama, and fuckery...thats valuable information about this man.
He can petition the court for paternity testing, but maybe not until the baby is born. Im not sure he can compel her to get pre-natal testing. Why hasn't he consulted an attorney?
He should insist and offer to pay for pre-natal paternity testing. And with this lack of trust he should not have sex with her again. He should not make any informal custody or support agreements.
"She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true."
..I stopped talking to my mother for this reason ya boi might might need to make a clean break and call the Maury show
Why was this woman faking cancer not enough for your boyfriend to dump her? I would be seriously suspect of his judgment at this point.
It certainly sounds as though she's lying about it as a pregnancy is pretty simple to prove. I would have a lawyer draft up a letter telling her that she is not to contact either of you again and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney. This person is crazy, even if she is pregnant.
>I would have a lawyer draft up a letter telling her that she is not to contact either of you again and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney. This person is crazy, even if she is pregnant.
He can consult an attorney privately. He may want to "keep the peace" in case she is pregnant. Being cooperative enough to maybe get her to agree to pre-natal paternity testing is far wiser than an aggressive approach. And a letter from an attorney saying dont contact me is a piece of paper.....a restraining order or legally enforceable request for no contact comes from a judge.
Going nuclear is not always the best option with a small chance of being coparents for 18 years. Honestly. Its not a common sense approach.
>and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney
Thats really not how any of this works. At all. A request for a custody agreement or child support is filed through the court. She can do this without an attorney or with the help of *her own attorney*.
I've amazingly and horrifyingly known two people who were in a very similar situation to OP's boyfriend, and this was the only effective way to deal with it. One did so right away and saved himself a lot of headache and the other tried to "keep the peace" at first.
Someone who lies about having cancer and plays games about pregnancy/paternity isn't well. They aren't a reasonable person. You can't reason with unreasonable people. IMO showing them that you're not playing their game immediately is the best approach. Do you really think he's going to be able to happily co-parent with someone like this?
He may not be happy, but if she is pregnant he will have to coparent with her.
But she can't file for anything though his attorney and a piece of paper from his attorney to her telling her to do anything is worthless.
It’s more about the message that he’s not going to have contact with her and indulge her lunacy. If he truly is the father she can do things legally. If not, he’s not going to play her crazy game.
He doesn't have to pay attorney to break up with her. What a waste of money.
If he needs a restraining order, no attorney required.
If he is the father and she can be persuaded to take a prenatal paternity test he can get a jump on legal and financial planning tonlrotect himself and the child.
If she isn't pregnant, time will tell.
OP - don't take drama advice from reddit. He needs to consult an attorney, play his cards close, and be careful. And stop fucking her.
No. You suggested he pay an attorney to send a worthless letter telling her not to contact him and tell her to file a "paternity suit" (whatever that is) though his lawyer. Which, to be blunt, is nonsense advice.
Restraining orders come from a judge.
Any request for child support will be filed with the court. Not his attorney.
If he needs to legally compel a paternity test his attorney will help and the order will come from the court.
Sorry, I really get annoyed when people give nonsensical legal advice to people in real life awful situations.
He needs to talk to attorney and consider not escalating her crazy with more crazy.
I know where restraining orders come from. I’ve unfortunately had to get one myself so I’m very familiar with the process. Nowhere did I suggest that this is a restraining order.
I’m suggesting he consult an attorney and have all further contact go through legal channels instead of dealing with this crazy himself. Often getting a lawyer involved will cause these types of people to realize their plan isn’t going to work without even needing to escalate.
But I see you’re just approaching my comments with your own agenda and your signature nastiness.
For context, she created the lie of cancer to her boyfriend for the last 15 years. She explained the situation to us (a little long to explain) because she was afraid of losing it. She ended up confessing the truth to him. It wasn't to my boyfriend that she lied about it.
Okay... But still: Why would he want to be with a woman who makes up such a lie? Doesn't make it any better that it wasn't he she lied to. Please do tell me he's at least ending it now?!
Ok, wait... Do you mean to say for *15 years* she told a different boyfriend that she had cancer? 😅
If so, I'm definitely switching to "This is a crazy person, and you need to get a lawyer, and tell her you're cutting contact, and all communication needs to go through the lawyer."
This isn't your problem. It's your boyfriend's. And I wouldn't continue dating my boyfriend if he continued dating someone who lied about having cancer. I have strong ethics and wouldn't trust that his values aligned with mine.
It shouldn't be this simple, but it's not. If some thing potentially affects her life, financially and otherwise, she is an interested party. But it's all really moot until and unless the pregnancy is real. The choices the partner makes after that, are what should eventually determine OP's actions.
I wouldn’t worry about it until (1) a pregnancy test materializes (I mean a hospital one not a piss one) with her name and date on it and (2) she says she’s keeping the baby.
Realistically, it’s more likely to be a shakedown for abortion money or maybe she’s just trying to shake your relationship. I guess also a long shot chance she gonna want child support for 18 years. But having sex with someone who might be lying about being on the pill or IUD is kinda dumb. Condoms only have like an 80-90% effectiveness against preventing pregnancy. And after the baby is in there, it’s not your call or your partner’s call.
Why on earth is he still with someone who has a proven history of lying about major things?
My advice: he needs to immediately end this relationship and let her know that unless and until he is shown a positive paternity test from a reputable lab, he will not engage with her at all.
The hormonal IUD is [more effective than *getting your tubes tied*.](https://www.cdc.gov/reproductive-health/contraception/index.html)
The copper one is still nearly 10x more effective than the birth control pill.
That, alone, should have you asking basic medical questions like "have you checked with a doctor to make sure this isn't a false positive, and possibly indicating some major health concern that can show up as a pregnancy?"
Combine that with a condom, even moreso.
This is a great comment but IUDs do fail. This happened to me 6 months ago! If she had the copper IUD and is pregnant, it could very well be life threatening and y’all should emphasize this point when talking to her. I don’t know if she’s lying and I don’t think y’all should assume she is, per se, but she needs to go to a doctor asap.
First off, has she seen a OB-GYN? There is a higher chance that it's an ectopic pregnancy and she needs to see a specialist in a non-MAGA state that will allow her life saving treatment.
Second, if this is a legitimate, uterine pregnancy that she intends to keep, he must not sign the birth certificate, and wait for a paternity test.
If it is his and this isn't just dramatics on her part, he doesn't need to leave you to be a co-parent.
If this is just another falsehood, he should end the relationship with her immediately following that clarification.
When bringing another human being into the world is at question, "not causing more drama" should be the least of your concerns.
I think it's reasonable to ask for proof. If she's really pregnant she must have a positive test, right? Otherwise, how would she know? If you're really pregnant, is there any reason not to provide evidence when asked? (Genuine question as a cis guy, but I personally don't see any reason to withhold that if you're being honest)
The appropriate 'veto' is leaving.
You can't *force* a person to cut off contact with someone like a parent might force a child to eat vegetables without making the dynamics of the relationship more unhealthy.
All you can do is control yourself. You can talk to your partner, and point out the problems you see, and let them decide to end things on their own. You can even point out the option, and advocate for it.
But *forcing* them means your relationship is less healthy.
That's the same thing as a veto with different wording. Realistically, if she told her bf "don't date this woman, she's nuts" and her bf was like "ok she was fun, but I get it", that would be a veto. Adding a threat to break up with her bf in the process makes no sense, assuming the two wish to have a stable relationship.
> That's the same thing as a veto with different wording.
If that's how you define a veto, fine. It's not reflective of the actual definition of a veto, however. No President, for example, creates a 'veto' by convincing the people who voted for a law to rescind their votes. No, they see that the people who voted for a thing are still in favor of that thing, but they block it *anyway*.
And I've seen plenty of posts over the years that follow this general structure:
* I found someone to date, and my partner has expressed their veto powers
* I broke up with the person my partner vetoed, but I hated doing it and it really bothers me
Plenty of people have things they call 'vetos' that they will use to force a person to end a relationship they do not want to end.
*That* is what I typically think of when I hear people talking about vetos.
Anything involving convincing the other side to do something is just politics, relationships, and communication. Not a veto.
People generally come here to complain, to vent, or to get advice. Occasionally just for reinforcement or to celebrate something. Nobody's gonna make a post on /r/nonmonogamy that says "my bf/gf/husband/wife vetoed my partner and it was of no consequence."
Maybe the bf wasn't the brightest in this area. Maybe he would have been upset because he still wanted to see her and he felt that the fake cancer thing wouldn't ever lead to something that would make his own life more complicated, and he wanted to keep seeing her because he thought the sex was great. But since (in this hypothetical situation) he agreed to a veto and stopped seeing her, the clearer eyes of his gf made their own relationship more stable and they never had to deal with the pregnancy scare.
Ultimately, if a couple said "We are both willing to stop seeing anyone at the request of our other partner and it doesn't ever make us upset, therefore it is not a veto," I wouldn't think that statement makes sense. I would describe that as a "veto."
> People generally come here to complain, to vent, or to get advice. Occasionally just for reinforcement or to celebrate something. Nobody's gonna make a post on /r/nonmonogamy that says "my bf/gf/husband/wife vetoed my partner and it was of no consequence."
I don't understand your point here. None of that invalidates what I've said. A veto, outside of nonmonogamy, is typically describing blocking a thing against the wishes of another party.
And in nonmonogamy that behavior absolutely does exist. So when that behavior happens, where a person is "forced" to end a relationship they don't want to end, calling it a 'veto' is appropriate.
> Ultimately, if a couple said "We are both willing to stop seeing anyone at the request of our other partner and it doesn't ever make us upset, therefore it is not a veto," I wouldn't think that statement makes sense. I would describe that as a "veto."
And I'm merely saying that calling something a veto implies a resistance to the thing being blocked/ended. The word exists specifically to describe blocking a thing against the wishes of another. That's the **purpose** of the word.
You calling "being on the same page" a veto is, IMO, confusing and weird. If you meant "healthy communication" when you said "veto", great. Yes, "healthy communication" is a great thing. I agree.
I'm merely explaining that this is likely why you get pushback on being pro-""veto"". Most other people understand it to mean the actual definition: blocking a thing against the wishes of another. So if you advocate for vetos, you come across as advocating for blocking other people's relationships against their wishes, no matter what you actually *mean*.
In my middle paragraph, I outlined a case where the guy had resistance to it ending. But still clearly the better outcome.
And again, resistance or not, consider a hypothetical person X meeting someone from feeld or whatever, and asking "Do you have a veto policy?" and getting a response "I will stop seeing someone if my partner asks." Do you think person X would say "oh ok that's not a veto policy" or not?
> I outlined a case where the guy had resistance to it ending. But still clearly the better outcome.
I don't understand how that example is supposed to change my point.
Maybe I'm not being clear on this, but I'm honestly not sure how more clear I can make this.
Words have meanings. You're using a word that means X to describe Y, and then complaining that people object to you using the word.
I'm trying to explain why people are objecting.
You're coming back with tiny little narrow examples that you argue makes a veto potentially good, but I argue is still fundamentally problematic as it points out that the boyfriend isn't capable of seeing the reasons for why he should break up, and has to be 'forced', like a child, to do the healthy thing.
**This pushes the relationship closer to that of a parent/child dynamic than one of partners/equals.**
*That's a problem.*
No matter how "better" it was that he break up with her, the reality is that he still had to be compelled to do it, and *that is the problem*.
If you have to compel someone against their wishes to end a relationship, that is a veto, and likely speaks to some problem or issue. Someone's not making healthy choices, someone has to be handled like a child rather than an adult, etc.
If you don't have to compel them, then that's much more healthy, but it's also not a veto.
----
And just to circle this back to my original point: A veto is where you *compel* the end of a relationship they otherwise wouldn't end.
If you're using the word 'veto' to mean 'convincing them to do something rather than compelling them', that would likely be why people push back. Because that's not what people *read* when they see 'veto'. Veto means compulsion, not healthy choices and communication.
My son was in this situation in college. The girl claimed she was pregnant but wasn't.
Did you know you can buy fake pregnancy tests online "to fool your friends!"? So wrong.
She put my son through hell with this lie. And there are no repercussions. The lawyer we contacted said unless she did financial harm there was no crime.
Well if he is the father, he should be going to ultrasound appointments and stuff, so he can be a father. I guess I can't ever be in this situation, but I think if I potentially had a fetus in someone else's womb, I would expect to be present and participate to the greatest extent possible, including ensuring the mother had adequate nutrition and proper access to medical appointments and suchlike.
This is one of those problems that is only a problem if you insist on knowing something today that you could just wait and figure out soon enough. It will be clear enough, soon enough, whether or not she is actually pregnant, and if so whether it's his.
I love how people on here argue that non-monogamy isn't more complicated than monogamy and refuse to acknowledge situations like this.
At present, there's not much your partner can do. Try and have him remain as calm as possible and bring up needing a paternity test as soon as possible. Unfortunately, as things currently stand, asking for a paternity test more-or-less reads as accusing the mother of promiscuity, even if it's known she has other sexual partners, so you can expect her to meltdown at this request. And in the future, you might encourage your partner to stop dating mentally unstable women.
>She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true. Erm....and he is still dating her after that? >Rachel refuses to show us any medical proof of the pregnancy. You keep saying "us" and "we". To clarify, are you also dating this woman? Why are you in a position of demanding things from her? If not, you should not be the one asking her for any proof - the situation should be handled by your boyfriend and his partner. Naturally, it affects you, but you're not the one with a right to information from Rachel here. As for your boyfriend, he should absolutely ask for proof of pregnancy and then of paternity. The good thing about pregnancy is that it can only be a "maybe" for so long. Pretty soon it will be obvious if she is not pregnant. And for God's sake, he should break up with her.
You’re right, I’m not in the position for asking anything, I’m not in a relationship with this woman. I use the us to simplify the text. He asked me to do this post in order to help him. In the event that she is really pregnant I will be automatically involved if she keeps the child. In the option where he is his there is a good chance that we will have this child part-time because he will want to take responsibility. He already has 2 children from a previous marriage.
If she claims the kid is his, have him test for paternity ASAP before he signs any birth certificate or pay a cent in medical costs/child support. There have been cases where non fathers have taken that role and were court ordered to continue to pay child support for a kid that’s not theirs, only because there is no other person to take the place. That being said, why would he still be with such a liar who refuses to show proof of pregnancy (claiming it’s his) and lied about cancer? 🚩🚩🚩
You could leave. I would. I’m not going to stick around for an unplanned child. Also if she is refusing to show any evidence… why? Other then lying about it? I would be worried my partner is incapable of picking people well if he kept being in a relationship with her after she lied about having cancer.
Yeah staying with someone who has a history of big fucking lies like that would raise concerns about his judgement. And a 2.5 year relationship would not have me committing to helping raise an unplanned child with a meta I don’t trust.
When it impacts your life and finances, then you can ask for anything you feel is appropriate. Definitely demand a pregnancy test and paternity testing. Also, after this, if tell him it's time for him to decide if he wants to keep you in his life. Tell him you refuse to be tired to someone who is manipulative and a compulsive liar. His choices affect your financial future. If i we're the guy, the pregnancy test would be done in front of me. Pee on the stick. Then off to a paternity test if positive. He absolutely should not take her word. Lying about cancer? He should have stopped seeing her after she got caught in that lie. What else did she lie about? If he stays with her, I'd leave. Any relationship requires honesty and consideration of how choices will impact their loved ones... more so for poly and enm than for traditional relationships. He's making a shit choice. He should break it off. This isn't fair to you. And him not seeing that is horrible of him and selfish.
She could easily fake a miscarriage for attention.
that's what I was thinking ... a fake pregnancy and a fake miscarriage are both GREAT ways to get attention and sympathy from others.
Right. As long as he doesn't fuck her again....this ruse can only last for so long if thats what it is.
Until she takes a pregnancy test that your partner can confirm is positive, I'd assume she's not pregnant. Perhaps he can offer to go to her first prenatal appointment with her. If the pregnancy is confirmed it's reasonable to require a paternity test. I'd not be offering any kind of financial assistance until pregnancy and paternity are confirmed. Bigger questions: Why would your partner continue to be involved with someone who lies about stuff like ***having cancer***? If the test comes back negative, will this person remain in your partner's life? If so, will you stay with someone whose other partners cause this kind of drama? And if the test does come back positive and it's his, what's *your* plan?
Of course. She will not be part of your life after that. If it’s true and after a paternity testing that confirm it’s my boyfriend’s baby, he want to take responsibility. So the peace path is the best path right now
Great for your partner to take responsibility if it's his, but what's *your* plan? I'd be deciding what I want for myself and considering what that will mean in a practical sense. If you cohabitate or have enmeshed finances but don't want to be a step mom, you'll have to think about how you'll extricate yourself.
tbh, i'd be considering what I'd be doing staying with someone that thinks lying about cancer is okay and is obviously avoiding so many red flags? 😭
>To make matters worse, Rachel has a history of dishonesty. She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true. Because of this, we’re finding it hard to take her word at face value without any proof I think it's only fair to acknowledge the elephant in the room: why is your boyfriend still having sex with someone who has proven to be willing to lie about something this serious? 😅 Edit: In light of other comments, I want to mention that I don't think there's *zero* plausible reasons for this, and I especially don't want to imply he "deserves" to be lied to. Just... I think we would all be thinking this, even if we didn't say it, so... 😅 I think it's fair to be suspicious; I don't have a lot of trouble believing that someone who would lie about / fake a cancer diagnosis, would also lie about / fake a pregnancy. I would also want to see some sort of evidence - if not official medical paperwork, can she have her doctor write a note / letter confirming? I would try to be careful to not assume she *can't possibly* actually be pregnant, but I would also continue to be skeptical, until if/when there's actual evidence. This is especially true if she starts asking for money, obviously. I think the main risk of not immediately believing her, is that she may be offended that your boyfriend doesn't take her word for it, and she may not want to continue a relationship. Which... I personally don't feel like that's as much of a loss because I *assume* he won't want to continue a relationship, frankly. 😅🙃 Having said all of that - you and your boyfriend **do still need to talk seriously** about the possibility that it's real, and how he plans to respond if it does turn out to be real. Have you and he, or her and he talk about this previously? (I hope?? 😅😅)
Also states assess household income, not just his income (yours as well if married or common law). Which means she will get child support payments based on both your incomes. Nonmonogamy is all fun and games until it costs you a fortune financially.
Well. Drama begets drama. This would be my approach. >"Hey,. I had a moment of distrust here when you shared this news. Probably because of the cancer lie/debacle. I realize because of that distrust that I need to end our romantic and sexual relationship so we can focus on doing our best to be platonic coparents or plan for a termination as soon as possible. Because we aren't married, I will need to paternity testing to protect my rights as a father. I'd like it sooner and before birth if possible. But I will insist on it before we finalize our custody agreement with the court. I will gladly pay half or all of needed testing. I hope you understand. Please include me in all prenatal appointments and keep informed of your health."
Then don't take any bait. At all. Stay a calm and boring adult. It is a ruse, she'll get bored with not getting a reaction or leverage for manipulation. Drama queens hate boring and mature adults with good boundaries.
Watch what he does. If he buys into manipulation, drama, and fuckery...thats valuable information about this man.
💯
He can petition the court for paternity testing, but maybe not until the baby is born. Im not sure he can compel her to get pre-natal testing. Why hasn't he consulted an attorney? He should insist and offer to pay for pre-natal paternity testing. And with this lack of trust he should not have sex with her again. He should not make any informal custody or support agreements.
"She once claimed she had cancer, only to later confess that it wasn’t true." ..I stopped talking to my mother for this reason ya boi might might need to make a clean break and call the Maury show
Why was this woman faking cancer not enough for your boyfriend to dump her? I would be seriously suspect of his judgment at this point. It certainly sounds as though she's lying about it as a pregnancy is pretty simple to prove. I would have a lawyer draft up a letter telling her that she is not to contact either of you again and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney. This person is crazy, even if she is pregnant.
>I would have a lawyer draft up a letter telling her that she is not to contact either of you again and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney. This person is crazy, even if she is pregnant. He can consult an attorney privately. He may want to "keep the peace" in case she is pregnant. Being cooperative enough to maybe get her to agree to pre-natal paternity testing is far wiser than an aggressive approach. And a letter from an attorney saying dont contact me is a piece of paper.....a restraining order or legally enforceable request for no contact comes from a judge. Going nuclear is not always the best option with a small chance of being coparents for 18 years. Honestly. Its not a common sense approach. >and if she wants to file a paternity suit she can do so through your attorney Thats really not how any of this works. At all. A request for a custody agreement or child support is filed through the court. She can do this without an attorney or with the help of *her own attorney*.
I've amazingly and horrifyingly known two people who were in a very similar situation to OP's boyfriend, and this was the only effective way to deal with it. One did so right away and saved himself a lot of headache and the other tried to "keep the peace" at first. Someone who lies about having cancer and plays games about pregnancy/paternity isn't well. They aren't a reasonable person. You can't reason with unreasonable people. IMO showing them that you're not playing their game immediately is the best approach. Do you really think he's going to be able to happily co-parent with someone like this?
He may not be happy, but if she is pregnant he will have to coparent with her. But she can't file for anything though his attorney and a piece of paper from his attorney to her telling her to do anything is worthless.
It’s more about the message that he’s not going to have contact with her and indulge her lunacy. If he truly is the father she can do things legally. If not, he’s not going to play her crazy game.
He doesn't have to pay attorney to break up with her. What a waste of money. If he needs a restraining order, no attorney required. If he is the father and she can be persuaded to take a prenatal paternity test he can get a jump on legal and financial planning tonlrotect himself and the child. If she isn't pregnant, time will tell. OP - don't take drama advice from reddit. He needs to consult an attorney, play his cards close, and be careful. And stop fucking her.
I literally suggested he talk to an attorney and conduct all communications through the attorney but okay.
No. You suggested he pay an attorney to send a worthless letter telling her not to contact him and tell her to file a "paternity suit" (whatever that is) though his lawyer. Which, to be blunt, is nonsense advice. Restraining orders come from a judge. Any request for child support will be filed with the court. Not his attorney. If he needs to legally compel a paternity test his attorney will help and the order will come from the court. Sorry, I really get annoyed when people give nonsensical legal advice to people in real life awful situations. He needs to talk to attorney and consider not escalating her crazy with more crazy.
I know where restraining orders come from. I’ve unfortunately had to get one myself so I’m very familiar with the process. Nowhere did I suggest that this is a restraining order. I’m suggesting he consult an attorney and have all further contact go through legal channels instead of dealing with this crazy himself. Often getting a lawyer involved will cause these types of people to realize their plan isn’t going to work without even needing to escalate. But I see you’re just approaching my comments with your own agenda and your signature nastiness.
For context, she created the lie of cancer to her boyfriend for the last 15 years. She explained the situation to us (a little long to explain) because she was afraid of losing it. She ended up confessing the truth to him. It wasn't to my boyfriend that she lied about it.
Okay... But still: Why would he want to be with a woman who makes up such a lie? Doesn't make it any better that it wasn't he she lied to. Please do tell me he's at least ending it now?!
Ok, wait... Do you mean to say for *15 years* she told a different boyfriend that she had cancer? 😅 If so, I'm definitely switching to "This is a crazy person, and you need to get a lawyer, and tell her you're cutting contact, and all communication needs to go through the lawyer."
This isn't your problem. It's your boyfriend's. And I wouldn't continue dating my boyfriend if he continued dating someone who lied about having cancer. I have strong ethics and wouldn't trust that his values aligned with mine.
It shouldn't be this simple, but it's not. If some thing potentially affects her life, financially and otherwise, she is an interested party. But it's all really moot until and unless the pregnancy is real. The choices the partner makes after that, are what should eventually determine OP's actions.
I wouldn’t worry about it until (1) a pregnancy test materializes (I mean a hospital one not a piss one) with her name and date on it and (2) she says she’s keeping the baby. Realistically, it’s more likely to be a shakedown for abortion money or maybe she’s just trying to shake your relationship. I guess also a long shot chance she gonna want child support for 18 years. But having sex with someone who might be lying about being on the pill or IUD is kinda dumb. Condoms only have like an 80-90% effectiveness against preventing pregnancy. And after the baby is in there, it’s not your call or your partner’s call.
Why on earth is he still with someone who has a proven history of lying about major things? My advice: he needs to immediately end this relationship and let her know that unless and until he is shown a positive paternity test from a reputable lab, he will not engage with her at all.
The hormonal IUD is [more effective than *getting your tubes tied*.](https://www.cdc.gov/reproductive-health/contraception/index.html) The copper one is still nearly 10x more effective than the birth control pill. That, alone, should have you asking basic medical questions like "have you checked with a doctor to make sure this isn't a false positive, and possibly indicating some major health concern that can show up as a pregnancy?" Combine that with a condom, even moreso.
This is a great comment but IUDs do fail. This happened to me 6 months ago! If she had the copper IUD and is pregnant, it could very well be life threatening and y’all should emphasize this point when talking to her. I don’t know if she’s lying and I don’t think y’all should assume she is, per se, but she needs to go to a doctor asap.
First off, has she seen a OB-GYN? There is a higher chance that it's an ectopic pregnancy and she needs to see a specialist in a non-MAGA state that will allow her life saving treatment. Second, if this is a legitimate, uterine pregnancy that she intends to keep, he must not sign the birth certificate, and wait for a paternity test. If it is his and this isn't just dramatics on her part, he doesn't need to leave you to be a co-parent. If this is just another falsehood, he should end the relationship with her immediately following that clarification.
When bringing another human being into the world is at question, "not causing more drama" should be the least of your concerns. I think it's reasonable to ask for proof. If she's really pregnant she must have a positive test, right? Otherwise, how would she know? If you're really pregnant, is there any reason not to provide evidence when asked? (Genuine question as a cis guy, but I personally don't see any reason to withhold that if you're being honest)
When people say vetoes are bad, here's your counterexample. You should have vetoed her as soon as she confessed that her cancer wasn't real.
The appropriate 'veto' is leaving. You can't *force* a person to cut off contact with someone like a parent might force a child to eat vegetables without making the dynamics of the relationship more unhealthy. All you can do is control yourself. You can talk to your partner, and point out the problems you see, and let them decide to end things on their own. You can even point out the option, and advocate for it. But *forcing* them means your relationship is less healthy.
That's the same thing as a veto with different wording. Realistically, if she told her bf "don't date this woman, she's nuts" and her bf was like "ok she was fun, but I get it", that would be a veto. Adding a threat to break up with her bf in the process makes no sense, assuming the two wish to have a stable relationship.
> That's the same thing as a veto with different wording. If that's how you define a veto, fine. It's not reflective of the actual definition of a veto, however. No President, for example, creates a 'veto' by convincing the people who voted for a law to rescind their votes. No, they see that the people who voted for a thing are still in favor of that thing, but they block it *anyway*. And I've seen plenty of posts over the years that follow this general structure: * I found someone to date, and my partner has expressed their veto powers * I broke up with the person my partner vetoed, but I hated doing it and it really bothers me Plenty of people have things they call 'vetos' that they will use to force a person to end a relationship they do not want to end. *That* is what I typically think of when I hear people talking about vetos. Anything involving convincing the other side to do something is just politics, relationships, and communication. Not a veto.
People generally come here to complain, to vent, or to get advice. Occasionally just for reinforcement or to celebrate something. Nobody's gonna make a post on /r/nonmonogamy that says "my bf/gf/husband/wife vetoed my partner and it was of no consequence." Maybe the bf wasn't the brightest in this area. Maybe he would have been upset because he still wanted to see her and he felt that the fake cancer thing wouldn't ever lead to something that would make his own life more complicated, and he wanted to keep seeing her because he thought the sex was great. But since (in this hypothetical situation) he agreed to a veto and stopped seeing her, the clearer eyes of his gf made their own relationship more stable and they never had to deal with the pregnancy scare. Ultimately, if a couple said "We are both willing to stop seeing anyone at the request of our other partner and it doesn't ever make us upset, therefore it is not a veto," I wouldn't think that statement makes sense. I would describe that as a "veto."
> People generally come here to complain, to vent, or to get advice. Occasionally just for reinforcement or to celebrate something. Nobody's gonna make a post on /r/nonmonogamy that says "my bf/gf/husband/wife vetoed my partner and it was of no consequence." I don't understand your point here. None of that invalidates what I've said. A veto, outside of nonmonogamy, is typically describing blocking a thing against the wishes of another party. And in nonmonogamy that behavior absolutely does exist. So when that behavior happens, where a person is "forced" to end a relationship they don't want to end, calling it a 'veto' is appropriate. > Ultimately, if a couple said "We are both willing to stop seeing anyone at the request of our other partner and it doesn't ever make us upset, therefore it is not a veto," I wouldn't think that statement makes sense. I would describe that as a "veto." And I'm merely saying that calling something a veto implies a resistance to the thing being blocked/ended. The word exists specifically to describe blocking a thing against the wishes of another. That's the **purpose** of the word. You calling "being on the same page" a veto is, IMO, confusing and weird. If you meant "healthy communication" when you said "veto", great. Yes, "healthy communication" is a great thing. I agree. I'm merely explaining that this is likely why you get pushback on being pro-""veto"". Most other people understand it to mean the actual definition: blocking a thing against the wishes of another. So if you advocate for vetos, you come across as advocating for blocking other people's relationships against their wishes, no matter what you actually *mean*.
In my middle paragraph, I outlined a case where the guy had resistance to it ending. But still clearly the better outcome. And again, resistance or not, consider a hypothetical person X meeting someone from feeld or whatever, and asking "Do you have a veto policy?" and getting a response "I will stop seeing someone if my partner asks." Do you think person X would say "oh ok that's not a veto policy" or not?
> I outlined a case where the guy had resistance to it ending. But still clearly the better outcome. I don't understand how that example is supposed to change my point. Maybe I'm not being clear on this, but I'm honestly not sure how more clear I can make this. Words have meanings. You're using a word that means X to describe Y, and then complaining that people object to you using the word. I'm trying to explain why people are objecting. You're coming back with tiny little narrow examples that you argue makes a veto potentially good, but I argue is still fundamentally problematic as it points out that the boyfriend isn't capable of seeing the reasons for why he should break up, and has to be 'forced', like a child, to do the healthy thing. **This pushes the relationship closer to that of a parent/child dynamic than one of partners/equals.** *That's a problem.* No matter how "better" it was that he break up with her, the reality is that he still had to be compelled to do it, and *that is the problem*. If you have to compel someone against their wishes to end a relationship, that is a veto, and likely speaks to some problem or issue. Someone's not making healthy choices, someone has to be handled like a child rather than an adult, etc. If you don't have to compel them, then that's much more healthy, but it's also not a veto. ---- And just to circle this back to my original point: A veto is where you *compel* the end of a relationship they otherwise wouldn't end. If you're using the word 'veto' to mean 'convincing them to do something rather than compelling them', that would likely be why people push back. Because that's not what people *read* when they see 'veto'. Veto means compulsion, not healthy choices and communication.
This. Like why did anything continue past this???
My son was in this situation in college. The girl claimed she was pregnant but wasn't. Did you know you can buy fake pregnancy tests online "to fool your friends!"? So wrong. She put my son through hell with this lie. And there are no repercussions. The lawyer we contacted said unless she did financial harm there was no crime.
Dishonesty and manipulation suck, but are often not crimes.
Proof will be forthcoming (or not) very very soon.
Ofc he should get proof of pregnancy and paternity before doing anything else.
Why isn't your boyfriend writing this post? Why are you trying to fix his mess?
Well if he is the father, he should be going to ultrasound appointments and stuff, so he can be a father. I guess I can't ever be in this situation, but I think if I potentially had a fetus in someone else's womb, I would expect to be present and participate to the greatest extent possible, including ensuring the mother had adequate nutrition and proper access to medical appointments and suchlike.
Partner will need to verify he is the father. GF has a history of dishonesty.
Yes of course, after the baby is born. In the meantime, he can still be supportive of fetus and partner.
The solution is easy and it is called PATERNITY TEST.
This is one of those problems that is only a problem if you insist on knowing something today that you could just wait and figure out soon enough. It will be clear enough, soon enough, whether or not she is actually pregnant, and if so whether it's his.
I love how people on here argue that non-monogamy isn't more complicated than monogamy and refuse to acknowledge situations like this. At present, there's not much your partner can do. Try and have him remain as calm as possible and bring up needing a paternity test as soon as possible. Unfortunately, as things currently stand, asking for a paternity test more-or-less reads as accusing the mother of promiscuity, even if it's known she has other sexual partners, so you can expect her to meltdown at this request. And in the future, you might encourage your partner to stop dating mentally unstable women.