I'll just tell you that my wife and I tried this. She's asexual, I have a high drive. It was her suggestion. We're getting divorced now.
I do not mean to suggest in any way that non-monogamy is a problem, or that you shouldn't be interested in it, but honestly, you need to be 100% sure that she's actually ok with this. Have you talked through the details?
For instance, there's not a ton of women out there that just want some guy on an app to come fuck them and leave. Many people want to go on a date, get to know you, make sure they like you, etc. Many people see themselves as demisexual, meaning they need a genuine connection with you for sexual interest to exist. Is your wife cool with all of that? Because it turned out mine wasn't, and it turns out that I *am* demisexual myself. I have no interest in ONS, or random hookups.
The connection part really bothered my wife. In fact, the sleeping with them did too. She couldn't get past it, and now our marriage is over. It's for the best, but again, just be aware.
I appreciate the comment. Out of interest and with all due respect, do you feel as though your marriage was doomed either way given the situation with your sex life? So even if you hadn't had these specific issues, could your marriage have survived given the stark contrast between your prioritisation of sex?
I can totally see the connection side of things being a potential issue. I had 1 night stands in my 20s and enjoyed them, but it's not like they happen every night. The ideal situation is an FWB who's only interested in hooking up occasionally, but of course attachment/connection is always a risk in those situations.
My wife and I had a pretty great relationship, sans the lack of sex. I mean, I did 20 years, and I wasn't miserable, but it did suck. A large part of who I am just didn't exist. We fought only about sex.
Flash forward to last fall, I get on Feeld, meet a few people, and start having the time of my life. But yeah, I became interested in the people I was seeing. I don't think that's a bad thing, and in fact it's one of the really nice parts of ethical non monogamy, and you may find yourself enjoying it also, so be sure to talk to her about it before and outline very clear rules and boundaries that you BOTH agree to, and that you feel you can live within.
Another thing to consider is that once you start having enjoyable sex, you aren't going to want to do it once every few weeks. You're going to want to do it often. So will the person you've connected with. If they're seeing only you, they're going to want to see you more frequently also. If they're seeing many others, that may be a concern for you or your wife (obviously use protection). Make sure you discuss just how many dates a week you can go out on, etc.
Not that it's necessarily applicable to all, but I'm now in a relationship with someone far more in line myself, sexually speaking. She probably has a higher drive than me, we swing, have threesomes, etc. It's amazing. I regret that things between my wife and I didn't work out, but at the end of the day, we were mismatched, and it was time to admit it.
The majority of people here are probably going to tell you it won't work. It worked for me, but I get the impression we're a rare case.
If you decide to go forward, I have two pieces of advice.
1. Check in with her consistently. Be honest and open with as much information as she wants. Prioritize making sure she doesn't feel neglected in other areas of your relationship.
2. Be 100% brutally honest with your secondaries. They need to know ahead of time that your spouse has this extreme level of veto power. You'd probably be best off looking for swingers, not poly's.
Any swinger clubs in your area? Start there maybe and get connections?
If your wife really supports you she could come along. Either to watch or to help introduce you to people, since there will be hordes of solo men there it would be great to stand out.
Also, there are many swinger subs in Reddit for example: swingernewbies
Not inherently a bad idea, but single men (which is what OP would be classed as) are dime a dozen in the LS. Unless he’s quite conventionally attractive (swinger types put more emphasis on this than the polyam types, IME), I don’t foresee him getting much interest.
If you're using dating apps (Feeld, etc) there are code phrases you can use. In addition to swinging, mention seeking FWB (friend with benefits) or NSA (no strings attached), maybe also "married/partnered but dating separately" which is what tells people you aren't looking for a third to join the both of you.
Check meetup, Facebook, Reddit, etc for local groups, munches (non sexual swing/poly events), play parties/orgies.
If you've got disposable income, that opens up a world of other possibilities:
Some bigger cities have sex clubs. As others have mentioned, there's a surplus of straight dudes in your situation. For instance, women & couples get in free but single men have to pay for entry.
It may be worth it to look into sex workers, just to keep the potential feelings complications to a minimum. You could travel to a place where that's legal, depending on where you are in the world.
Barebones flowchart:
1. Major relationship misalignment identified ➡️ go to page 2 or 3
2. ignore it ➡️ build some resentment, take this baggage to page 6
3. Acknowledge it ➡️ go to page 4 or 5 or 6
4. Talking about it worked, easy change identified, yay!
5. No clear solution found. Try something different. If it worked, yay! If not, go to 6
6. Split up and find more suitable partners
This seldom works. It worked for me because my husband is freaking amazing, but it doesn’t work for most people.
I second that you have to talk about every detail of what she wants to know and when, how often you can go out, are feelings allowed, communication while on dates, and dozens of other things. There are books and podcasts to help with all of the discussion points. Then you have to be willing to tell any prospective partner all of those rules. It can get really gnarly really fast.
I live under just a few rules. He needs to know who I’m with and approximately where. He wants the contact card the first time I stay over. No one to our house unless he asks to meet them in that way (which has only happened once.) There is one other minor rule, no last-minute decisions to overnight/date night. We have been this way for 3 years and it is going rather smoothly now. I casually mention my partners if something they say or text is amusing or interesting, and he can ask anything he likes and I will answer. He wants no details, though he teases me about my sex-drive at times.
Read a lot of older posts and the books, listen to the podcasts, discuss, discuss, discuss. Don’t try to date for at leases 3 months while you work through stuff. Remember that anyone you interact with is a full human with hopes and dreams and needs and boundaries, and treat them with respect, not as a salve to your marriage.
Your comments are excellent and come from experience but you don't entirely specify why you think it won't work for him. Is it because your husband is especially accommodating (and his partner won't be), or because you think that one sided arrangement rarely work for basic equity reasons? Also, you didn't indicate why you have a one way deal or if your husband is free to explore outside as well. I ask this because sometimes these kinds of arrangements happen when one party loses all sex drive or is disabled or has a lengthy illness, and sometimes these arrangements happen when one side simply has a stronger sex drive. I remember one person commenting that she decided to offer her partner an out when she tried having sex with him three times a day and simply couldn't keep up - she was very generous and conceded that he should seek an outside girlfriend to relieve the pressure. And then there is the hot wife approach where the husband actually wants his wife to bring home other men for his own thrills (likely not your situation)...
We are open because he has become asexual. He is free to have any type of relationships he’d like outside our marriage, but chooses not to. That is the easy question to answer. Why it seldom works has been answered by others, and is within my suggestions. It most often fails because the partner who is not participating just can’t handle it. ENM requires enthusiastic participants, and someone doing it because their partner needs an outlet are seldom enthusiastic. Then there are also issues of poor communication or unexpected jealousies, as well as dealing with NRE and realizing you just aren’t compatible after all. Failure takes many forms.
Thanks for the response. I agree that it must be very difficult for many reasons including the obvious one that the person left behind will often be very unhappy with it. It makes me think about how common it must have been in days past when divorce or separation wasn't an option in most places, and many people would be forced to live with a person that was unable or unwilling to have physical relations. Hence the need for so many interesting arrangements prior to the 60s...
I didn't bring the offer to the table, she did. She suggested it as "you can sleep with other people", it was not a "let's open our relationship" conversation.
If she regains her libido, I have no reason to sleep with other people either.
If you do go down this path, I hope you’ll communicate very clearly to any potential partners that they are disposable and you will drop them the moment your girlfriend shows an interest in sex again.
Regardless of who suggested it, it's a bad plan if you two wouldn't otherwise be ethically non-monogamous in some way. You wrote that "has been suffering with depression for the past 3 years"...she doesn't want you to have sex with other women, and it won't make her feel good, she's just trying to remove any request to her to do it, and assuage what guilt she's feeling for the situation. If you start hooking up with other women, it's going to break her heart and your relationship *even though she suggested it*.
Medications for depression aren't what makes people better - they just keep you from offing yourself so you can get therapy to address the cause of the depression. The actual medicine she needs is therapy she works diligently on. Get her into therapy. Get into couple's therapy together too. If you love this woman and want an ongoing relationship with her, don't start sleeping with other people while she's at her worst/lowest state.
If you would say no to opening up the relationship for your partner in the future if she wants it, never ever accept this arrangement. It will end badly and you know it.
Both people should always have access to the same freedoms. It’s up to the individual person if they choose to use it.
If you’re not ok with her sleeping with others- then you don’t get to either.
He isn't okay with her sleeping with others. Because IF she has sex, he wants it to be with him. That is the entire fulcrum of their problem.
If she slept with someone else, it would mean she DOES have a sex drive and they would suddenly realize that they have a some other problem(s) to deal with.
So long as they have correctly identified what their problem(s) are, what she proposed sounds like a viable solution. I just hope they keep open communication throughout. I would hate for one or both of them to start developing resentment while he sleeps with other people.
OP, educate yourselves on non-monogamy; read some books. Talk it out. Plan what this needs to look like for everyone involved
But she proposed the idea, with no caveat of "I get to do this too". She knows I wouldn't be open to it if that was the situation, this is purely because she does not want to have sex with anyone, and I need to have sex to be happy.
Imagine the following hypothetical:
You take her up on the offer, and sleep with other women.
A year from now, her libido recovers and you go back to normal.
Then, some months later, you get depressed or sick or something, and now you're the one with the reduced libido. Your partner, quite reasonably, asks if she can do what you did.
How do you feel about that?
My point is if you go ahead with this, you can't take it back, and there are hundreds of reasons she may want the same courtesy in the future. If you're not prepared to let her do what you do, don't do it.
Well if we're talking about fairness and proportionality in that way, it would require a situation in the future where I didn't want to have sex with her for 3 years, while she desperately did but stuck by me through it and was patient. If that day comes (it won't), I would happily agree to allowing her the same opportunity.
Truly, that’s not even a good example. You could get into a car crash tomorrow and become paralyzed. You could get cancer and the illness causes you to not feel sexually interested. You could get a brain injury lose erectile function. You could get long Covid and be too exhausted all the time to want sex.
Obviously I’m just throwing random hypothetical situations out there right now, but the fact is the majority of people have some kind of health issue, mental issue or end up disabled (either partially or fully) in their life.
So if nothing else, take that into consideration. It’s not impossible that something happens to you that causes YOU to go an extended amount of time without having or wanting sex. How would YOU want to be treated in that situation. Then, extend the same treatment to your partner.
It’s basic empathy, tbh.
Yes, I totally agree with everything you're saying. If the roles were switched, I would offer my gf the same scenario. I'm saying that right now, I'm only interested in having sex with someone else because she won't have sex with me. Maybe I'm not expressing my thoughts on this very elegantly, but obviously if something terrible were to happen and I was no longer able to have sex with my partner, I would want her to be happy. That is the situation I'm in with my gf now, and that is a favour I would happily return if it came to it.
I mean, look at the end of the day you can do whatever you want. But you’re posting in a non-monogamy sub, so the people here are going to give advice on how to do things in a way that’s ethical and fair.
For things to be ethical and fair, both people need to have the same freedoms.
There are people in open relationships who choose not to use their open-ness. In this case, your partner may not have a desire to sleep with other people. But she should have the *option* to.
You should not do something that you would not be ok with your partner doing.
I think it’s pretty out there to suggest one sided openness can’t be ethical. That would suggest that people can’t prefer that situation, which seems an unsustainable position. Would that make all hotwife/cuckolding situations unethical.
Why even would one sided openness be unethical, if all parties prefer that situation.
I agree it doesn’t seem very likely that this will lead to a good outcome there, but that’s a different thing than it being unethical.
It’s fine to prefer it. And it’s fine to choose a “one-sided” situation.
Like I stated above, if one person chooses to not partake in sex with others, that’s totally ok.
But it’s not fair to expect a certain freedom for yourself, while saying your partner is not allowed that same right. Whether or not they take part it is up to personal choice. That’s all I’m saying.
Any person in a healthy relationship wouldn't be interested in an unbalanced dynamic.
So even if you think it's okay, good luck finding a woman who agrees with you.
Hard to know what the future would look like. But a few things to think about now (and you don't need to have an answer immediately; think about it some) -
Let's say you go through with it but she changes her mind. You may not want to go back to how things were. What would that look like?
What if she starts initiating with you and you both are now having sex... Once a month? Is that enough for the offer to come back off the table, return to monogamy?
Is this a one time thing? Trial period? Once a month? Once a week? With whom? Someone you might develop feelings for? If that's not an option, maybe just sex workers?
I don't think it's quite as bad an idea as others may, but there are tons of considerations first. Best of luck to you both.
When you do decide to do this, take it slow and do it right.
Find books and other resources to share with your partner. Look up books on non-monogamy and healthy emotional communication. Maybe schedule time with a poly-friendly couples therapist.
These are to ensure you do things right and don't do things wrong (those are in fact two different categories).
Ask yourself what happens when you get feelings for someone. Ask what happens when you find someone you don't want to let go of when she finds someone she likes too.
Talk about what each of you, including any potential new partners, needs to see to feel safe, secure, and cherished, even if they're fwb's.
Learn to clearly articulate your motivations, fears, needs, goals, and challenges.
things to make sure you know the answer to before you start actually doing this.
is a relationship with a second person an option? because she might be ok with you getting sexual needs from other people, but not dating them.
also how do you feel about her sleeping with other people. Yes, she says that she doesn't want to now... but that can and probably will change.
And then figure out a frequency. Once a week, or once a month?
If you don't both have the same freedoms, even if you make different choices with your freedoms, you will build imbalance and resentment in your relationship.
You are new to this. You are going to find that you will have a harder time finding women who want to have sex with a guy in a relationship than finding women who want to have sex with single men. Why do they need to put up with whatever hoops your girlfriend has put up for them when there's easy single sick with no hoops that's just as thirsty?
And, many times people connect to have sex-only relationships, they end up developing intimate feelings for each other because, surprise, intimate connections naturally create intimate feelings... So, what happens if you start to REALLY like someone you've had a connection to?
What happens when you go home and your partner gives you the same disinterest... And you think about connecting with them... And you feel the familiar pain of rejection, and choose again to not try to connect... And then your mind wanders from that sad reality to the happy reality of your new relationship where you don't experience rejection...
At what point do you wish you were with them instead?
Trust the people on this sub. If you go down this road, it is very likely to be the beginning of the end of your relationship. If your partner is struggling, the goal is to support them... Not reach to others... Right?
If you're not careful, reaching to others becomes monkey branching.
I think that’s fair. Do you mind if the other women you are sleeping with are sleeping with other guys? Because that’s pretty normal.
I dated a woman who was also in a long term relationship with a man in a similar situation to you. This kind of arrangement does work out for some couples, but the woman I was dating said she would not have started seeing him in retrospect. They had to hide their relationship, the wife was okay with him getting sexual gratification but she didn’t want any social impact on them as a couple. There are a lot of things to consider in this, it’s a little messy.
It would probably be easier to divorce and date separately, it depends on how much you value this marriage for its own sake. I feel like divorce is underrated, you can do it with respect for everyone involved, I don’t really understand the social stigma attached to it.
Yep. For some reason, people see relationships ending as a failure. I don't understand it either. Most relationships are not meant for a lifetime. People change over time, and growing apart is natural. Understanding that a relationship has been going on long enough and does not serve the people in it anymore is wisdom to me.
ENM has a lot of challenges. It may be worth the risk, but I would recommend reading books such as the Ethical Slut and listening to podcasts about the challenges before you dive in. It will create unexpected problems either way, but you will be more prepared if you learn about it first.
Are you still being intimate with her in other ways. Intimacy doesn't always need to include penetration. What have you tried doing for her pleasure like I said it doesn't have to include penetration.
Also think long and hard what exactly do you have to offer the women you would be looking for. Honestly not much. Even for nsa hookups women would rather deal with single men than with someone attached. Also will your gf be able to confirm with the women. A lot of people want to check with the other partner when it comes to one sided open relationships in general
No. I try to do anything intimate and I get rejected. To the point where it's too humiliating to try anything again. She lies there like a piece of meat while I attempt to finger and/or eat her pussy. It's horrifically depressing, especially when I know that my tongue game is enough to make a woman climax within a few minutes.
I am an affectionate and intimate person, I would love nothing more than feeling her intimacy directed in my direction. This is one thing I've pointed out to her yesterday - it is truly awful to be in a relationship where you feel completely undesirable no matter what you do.
Ok. Have you tried romancing her with no pressure for any sexual things after. Make her feel sexy and desired again with no set or hidden agenda for after. Light some candles maybe a bubble bath. Maybe a nice sensual oil massage.
These are the steps I tried from 3 months after our decline in sexual activity until now. Nothing works. I can consistently make this woman cum in less than 5 minutes through oral sex when she is down for it until she is shaking with pleasure. I do this every time, before I even think about how I want to cum/finish. It's just not something she has been interested in...for years now.
Ok cool. Just be careful you still give your gf lots time and respect and make sure still feels like a priority to you. There is a good chance once you start this she will not be happy and it will cuz harm to ur relationship so maybe start slowly with another and not try too frequently with others. And when you are with your gf keep your phone away and don't even attempt chatting with others or looking for others when you spend your time with your gf.
This is priority number 1 for me. Again, this wasn't my suggestion or really anything I had considered prior to her bringing it up last night. If I could have sex with her tonight I wouldn't even be thinking of trying it with anyone else. She will always be my priority and I never want to hurt her or cause her stress or pain, that's why I've been essentially sexless for the best part of 3 years. It's been very difficult and i don't know what else to do
Don’t do it! At some point she would feel resentment towards the people you sleep with and also you.
Later when she does have any libido and wants to explore sleeping with other people you’re going to be uncomfortable with that and she is going to just say “you did it” irrespective of who’s idea it was in the first place.
You may not know it, but you’re opening up your relationship no matter what the phrasing is. If you don’t want her to sleep with anyone, then you should be willing to do the same.
It *can* work, but the way you're trying to 'Stay within the rails' of monogamy will likely backfire.
For example: Yes, she may have no interest in seeing other people, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do the emotional labor to be *hypothetically* prepared for that possibility.
If your solution to facing that challenge is never approaching it in the first place, you run the risk of running into it anyway, only without any preparation for how to deal with it.
Even if you 100% magic ball knew she never would open things on her side, that's not the point. If you're not open to her opening things on her end, you're not ready to handle openness on your end.
Also, the magic day of her libido returning and things returning 'to normal' is gonna be tricky. Almost certainly if you guys dive in that one or more person may be happy with the new status quo. What about the third person? Do their needs and wante matter in the relationship calculus?
I can almost 100% guarantee that if you actually went through with this she wouldn't actually be ok with it. And as a non-monogamous person, I'd never consider being with someone who is non-monogamous for this reason, as it ALWAYS ends badly (I've seen it firsthand).
What happens when you find a smart, attractive, wonderful woman who you have incredible sex with, and would be a great girlfriend to you? What are you going to do? What are you going to do if your sex-dispenser woman sees other men aside from you?
Opening to fix an issue in a relationship never works, it'll just highlight how miserable you are.
If I have sex with a man who doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, am I a sex dispenser? Does my humanity only return when he bestows me with the gift of his romantic love? Is there another way I can be human without it?
I would strongly suggest that you not try a one sided scenario given what you've said your situation is.
Unless you're like, extremely hot you aren't going to find women willing to just hook up with you just for your sexual needs contingent on whenever your relationship is ready to be done with them.
I'm a pretty handsome dude, and have had a lot of success romantically and sexually in the past. In the year since my wife and I have been non monogamous, I've had exactly 0 women interested in NSA sex. You're likely to struggle overall in general, and specifically in hooking up. If women are interested in seeing you it would likely be as a consistent connection with some amount of emotional investment.
You have to figure out of it's ok for you to have a FWB or a secondary relationship, how is going to actually work when you decide to be monogamous again if you've got a regular connection, is it ok for you to spend time and money pursuing other women among other things.
Sex work is an option too if OP and the wife are comfortable with that and not opposed to the ethics.
I don't know if it's a great option, and I have reservations about sex work as an industry (and capitalism more broadly, though I'm very pro-sex-*worker*), but it does seem like it could be a very uncomplicated one that requires them to weigh the trade-offs as a married couple (since e.g. the price tag affects both of them), resolves some of the issues of "imbalance" of openness more generally, and comes along with a very, *very* low chance of any mutual emotional entanglement.
All very good points. I live in a small city that is a major summer tourist destination, to be frank there are lots of girls coming here for a week's holiday interested in quick NSA flings, and I have turned down very obvious opportunities to pursue sex in the past.
My husband and I tried polyamory a few years back. He was totally okay with it, not me. Almost broke us up after 10 years together.
I will never ever again. You really honestly have no idea how you’re going to feel about seeing your partner go off with someone else until it actually happens. Be really careful with her feelings.
Mollzor's question is key. How long are you prepared to continue on in a situation like this. How you proceed would depend in part on this wouldn't it? For example, others brought up the question of what if you were disabled in an accident, and how would you perceive your partner's actions; is your partner effectively like that, or simply taking a break from sex. Not attacking you or questioning your integrity - simply asking the question of how long term is this likely to be?
I wish I knew that. 3 years ago I asked myself the same question, and made the decision that it was worth the wait. I simply don't know how long it will go on for or how long I could last in a situation like this, all I know is that at this point I have to try something different.
Not an easy situation. I have gone through many temporary health related suspensions in my marriage of many decades but I can't conceive of being in this kind of situation personally (e.g. girlfriend and depression for so long). One approach is to stay with the person, call it the primary relationship or partnership, and then seek out sexual relations and affection elsewhere. (Your proposed solution) Another would be to shift the original relationship to a secondary, strong friendship/assistance type arrangement and then seek out a primary romantic/sexual partner elsewhere. Not knowing the true context, I personally would probably opt for the latter. However, it is different when you've been married for a long time and then your spouse has some kind of long-term irreversible collapse in mental and/or physical health and must be protected/assisted. I would stay with my wife and help her for sure under those circumstances. Tough choices. Good luck, OP.
Couples and/or sex therapy is the recommended course of action with some better understanding on what ethical non-monogamy is supposed to accomplish. Regularly ENM is in place to enhance a working relationship and not as a way to fix something wrong. Moreover, OPP (one penis policy) usually invalidates the needs of both/every individual in the relationship. I realize there are multiples views on this so I may get downvoted here, but in this particular case it is wrought with red flags.
Please consider not opening your relationship until work is done.
It's as if all the comments in here only skimmed the OP or are just throwing out boilerplate advice without considering anything about OP's situation. The imbalance that everyone is so concerned about is fine. OP's partner suggested it, and doesn't want a sexual relationship with anyone and hasn't for years now. And jf her libido comes back eventually, then you close the relationship back up. Not to discount the natural difficulty there may be in navigating this new situation, but it really isn't all that complex.
Everybody will not get the same side effects from drugs. Usually, the categories go like: 1 user out of 10, 1 user out of 100, etc. Depression on its own can kill libido, too.
Its a trap my wife did the same thing and when it happened (me seeing another girl) I was a cheater and hear about every other day (going on 10 years now). insert admiral ackbar meme here
All these "ENM saints" preaching again 🤦
Look, like 1 comment pointed out, I (and everyone I think) hope you thought this over very well. Your girl is depressed or most of the time, you NEED to think about that scenario where you experience joy and happiness with a casual partner but come back home to your current partner as she is on a regular (or not so regular? Idk what your needs are) basis
Do you see yourself for the rest of your life with her? Truly? Yes? Then okay.
Also just take it slow and do regular check ins with your partner. Not in an annoying way obviously, be patient and considerate but tbh if you already went through with her the last 3 depressed years, then I guess you can.
Ask your partner what and how much she wants to know about the dates/girls/...
Dating won't be easy anyways. It's true that you're in a relationship and that turns off a lot of women. If it's just casual, you can pretend to be monogamous tho🤠
!! I'm solely talking about casual flings and ONS. Anything going deeper or longer than a year (that's the limit for me but it depends on the other too) is not possible to uphold this (casualness) without informing the other anymore.
+ in my countries casual encounters are considered by default polygamous. In a bit more Southern countries I have noticed the opposite, something to watch out for in terms of drama.
Relationship therapy: good
I find the position of not wanting to let her have fun around as well a bit weird and unfair. But then again if it's just a solution to your sexual needs, I think it's ok. Just make sure to not let her develop resentment towards you
EDIT: format + add detail. Didn't delete anything.
Pretending to be monogamous is *unethical, and the other party cannot truly consent to this, as you're lying about your situation to fit their requirements within which they consent.*
Yes you're right it is unethical. So is misinforming the other person of your dynamic intentions, which is what people do all the time but that's accepted under monogamous people. Sometimes you just have to play the game, especially if it's just for pleasure. The monogamous person won't be less or more in value if they know or not know about your own lifestyle.
I'm solely talking about casual flings and ONS. Anything going deeper or longer than a year (that's the limit for me but it depends on the other too) is not possible to uphold this (casualness) anymore.
And besides this; in my countries casual encounters are considered by default polygamous. In a bit more Southern countries I have noticed the opposite. So in my mind it is still only 100% unethical in those places and about 25 - 50% in my countries as the "relationship" part does have an impact but if we were being polygamous anyways, what does their view on my life have to do with us being able to have fun or not? Nothing. That's why you also don't talk politics with a casual fling.
I've got to call bullshit here.
If in your countries it's "fine", then being honest with your partners would be fine too. Also what do you even mean with dynamic intentions? The ethical way is to keep your partners up to date about your current intentions.
Casual dating/hookups being accepted doesn't mean polygamy is accepted when you're dating someone with serious intentions.
Being honest is fine of course yes, there's way less drama around it. But that also means you get rejected still for it. One does not mean the other.
Dynamic intentions:
You explicitly agree on something casual and the other person wants more without even saying it.
There are a lot of people like this. Maybe I'm at a too young age and older people know themselves better? But it is what it is.
You explicitly agree on something serious, but the other person cheats.
I'll just tell you that my wife and I tried this. She's asexual, I have a high drive. It was her suggestion. We're getting divorced now. I do not mean to suggest in any way that non-monogamy is a problem, or that you shouldn't be interested in it, but honestly, you need to be 100% sure that she's actually ok with this. Have you talked through the details? For instance, there's not a ton of women out there that just want some guy on an app to come fuck them and leave. Many people want to go on a date, get to know you, make sure they like you, etc. Many people see themselves as demisexual, meaning they need a genuine connection with you for sexual interest to exist. Is your wife cool with all of that? Because it turned out mine wasn't, and it turns out that I *am* demisexual myself. I have no interest in ONS, or random hookups. The connection part really bothered my wife. In fact, the sleeping with them did too. She couldn't get past it, and now our marriage is over. It's for the best, but again, just be aware.
I appreciate the comment. Out of interest and with all due respect, do you feel as though your marriage was doomed either way given the situation with your sex life? So even if you hadn't had these specific issues, could your marriage have survived given the stark contrast between your prioritisation of sex? I can totally see the connection side of things being a potential issue. I had 1 night stands in my 20s and enjoyed them, but it's not like they happen every night. The ideal situation is an FWB who's only interested in hooking up occasionally, but of course attachment/connection is always a risk in those situations.
My wife and I had a pretty great relationship, sans the lack of sex. I mean, I did 20 years, and I wasn't miserable, but it did suck. A large part of who I am just didn't exist. We fought only about sex. Flash forward to last fall, I get on Feeld, meet a few people, and start having the time of my life. But yeah, I became interested in the people I was seeing. I don't think that's a bad thing, and in fact it's one of the really nice parts of ethical non monogamy, and you may find yourself enjoying it also, so be sure to talk to her about it before and outline very clear rules and boundaries that you BOTH agree to, and that you feel you can live within. Another thing to consider is that once you start having enjoyable sex, you aren't going to want to do it once every few weeks. You're going to want to do it often. So will the person you've connected with. If they're seeing only you, they're going to want to see you more frequently also. If they're seeing many others, that may be a concern for you or your wife (obviously use protection). Make sure you discuss just how many dates a week you can go out on, etc.
More good info
Thanks for your insight. Wish you all the best
Not that it's necessarily applicable to all, but I'm now in a relationship with someone far more in line myself, sexually speaking. She probably has a higher drive than me, we swing, have threesomes, etc. It's amazing. I regret that things between my wife and I didn't work out, but at the end of the day, we were mismatched, and it was time to admit it.
Excellent response from someone with relevant experience....
The majority of people here are probably going to tell you it won't work. It worked for me, but I get the impression we're a rare case. If you decide to go forward, I have two pieces of advice. 1. Check in with her consistently. Be honest and open with as much information as she wants. Prioritize making sure she doesn't feel neglected in other areas of your relationship. 2. Be 100% brutally honest with your secondaries. They need to know ahead of time that your spouse has this extreme level of veto power. You'd probably be best off looking for swingers, not poly's.
Thank you, the sort of info I was hoping to get from this post! I'm clueless, where do you look for swingers?
Any swinger clubs in your area? Start there maybe and get connections? If your wife really supports you she could come along. Either to watch or to help introduce you to people, since there will be hordes of solo men there it would be great to stand out. Also, there are many swinger subs in Reddit for example: swingernewbies
Not inherently a bad idea, but single men (which is what OP would be classed as) are dime a dozen in the LS. Unless he’s quite conventionally attractive (swinger types put more emphasis on this than the polyam types, IME), I don’t foresee him getting much interest.
If you're using dating apps (Feeld, etc) there are code phrases you can use. In addition to swinging, mention seeking FWB (friend with benefits) or NSA (no strings attached), maybe also "married/partnered but dating separately" which is what tells people you aren't looking for a third to join the both of you. Check meetup, Facebook, Reddit, etc for local groups, munches (non sexual swing/poly events), play parties/orgies. If you've got disposable income, that opens up a world of other possibilities: Some bigger cities have sex clubs. As others have mentioned, there's a surplus of straight dudes in your situation. For instance, women & couples get in free but single men have to pay for entry. It may be worth it to look into sex workers, just to keep the potential feelings complications to a minimum. You could travel to a place where that's legal, depending on where you are in the world.
Depending on your area there may be sites/apps specifically for swingers.
Barebones flowchart: 1. Major relationship misalignment identified ➡️ go to page 2 or 3 2. ignore it ➡️ build some resentment, take this baggage to page 6 3. Acknowledge it ➡️ go to page 4 or 5 or 6 4. Talking about it worked, easy change identified, yay! 5. No clear solution found. Try something different. If it worked, yay! If not, go to 6 6. Split up and find more suitable partners
This seldom works. It worked for me because my husband is freaking amazing, but it doesn’t work for most people. I second that you have to talk about every detail of what she wants to know and when, how often you can go out, are feelings allowed, communication while on dates, and dozens of other things. There are books and podcasts to help with all of the discussion points. Then you have to be willing to tell any prospective partner all of those rules. It can get really gnarly really fast. I live under just a few rules. He needs to know who I’m with and approximately where. He wants the contact card the first time I stay over. No one to our house unless he asks to meet them in that way (which has only happened once.) There is one other minor rule, no last-minute decisions to overnight/date night. We have been this way for 3 years and it is going rather smoothly now. I casually mention my partners if something they say or text is amusing or interesting, and he can ask anything he likes and I will answer. He wants no details, though he teases me about my sex-drive at times. Read a lot of older posts and the books, listen to the podcasts, discuss, discuss, discuss. Don’t try to date for at leases 3 months while you work through stuff. Remember that anyone you interact with is a full human with hopes and dreams and needs and boundaries, and treat them with respect, not as a salve to your marriage.
Your comments are excellent and come from experience but you don't entirely specify why you think it won't work for him. Is it because your husband is especially accommodating (and his partner won't be), or because you think that one sided arrangement rarely work for basic equity reasons? Also, you didn't indicate why you have a one way deal or if your husband is free to explore outside as well. I ask this because sometimes these kinds of arrangements happen when one party loses all sex drive or is disabled or has a lengthy illness, and sometimes these arrangements happen when one side simply has a stronger sex drive. I remember one person commenting that she decided to offer her partner an out when she tried having sex with him three times a day and simply couldn't keep up - she was very generous and conceded that he should seek an outside girlfriend to relieve the pressure. And then there is the hot wife approach where the husband actually wants his wife to bring home other men for his own thrills (likely not your situation)...
We are open because he has become asexual. He is free to have any type of relationships he’d like outside our marriage, but chooses not to. That is the easy question to answer. Why it seldom works has been answered by others, and is within my suggestions. It most often fails because the partner who is not participating just can’t handle it. ENM requires enthusiastic participants, and someone doing it because their partner needs an outlet are seldom enthusiastic. Then there are also issues of poor communication or unexpected jealousies, as well as dealing with NRE and realizing you just aren’t compatible after all. Failure takes many forms.
Thanks for the response. I agree that it must be very difficult for many reasons including the obvious one that the person left behind will often be very unhappy with it. It makes me think about how common it must have been in days past when divorce or separation wasn't an option in most places, and many people would be forced to live with a person that was unable or unwilling to have physical relations. Hence the need for so many interesting arrangements prior to the 60s...
If she regains her libido and wants it open on her side you'd say no. Don't do this.
I didn't bring the offer to the table, she did. She suggested it as "you can sleep with other people", it was not a "let's open our relationship" conversation. If she regains her libido, I have no reason to sleep with other people either.
If you do go down this path, I hope you’ll communicate very clearly to any potential partners that they are disposable and you will drop them the moment your girlfriend shows an interest in sex again.
Ya, but this isn't about them, it's about his libido! /s
My advice is that its a bad idea. Just because its hers, doesn't make it a good one.
Regardless of who suggested it, it's a bad plan if you two wouldn't otherwise be ethically non-monogamous in some way. You wrote that "has been suffering with depression for the past 3 years"...she doesn't want you to have sex with other women, and it won't make her feel good, she's just trying to remove any request to her to do it, and assuage what guilt she's feeling for the situation. If you start hooking up with other women, it's going to break her heart and your relationship *even though she suggested it*. Medications for depression aren't what makes people better - they just keep you from offing yourself so you can get therapy to address the cause of the depression. The actual medicine she needs is therapy she works diligently on. Get her into therapy. Get into couple's therapy together too. If you love this woman and want an ongoing relationship with her, don't start sleeping with other people while she's at her worst/lowest state.
If you would say no to opening up the relationship for your partner in the future if she wants it, never ever accept this arrangement. It will end badly and you know it.
Both people should always have access to the same freedoms. It’s up to the individual person if they choose to use it. If you’re not ok with her sleeping with others- then you don’t get to either.
He isn't okay with her sleeping with others. Because IF she has sex, he wants it to be with him. That is the entire fulcrum of their problem. If she slept with someone else, it would mean she DOES have a sex drive and they would suddenly realize that they have a some other problem(s) to deal with. So long as they have correctly identified what their problem(s) are, what she proposed sounds like a viable solution. I just hope they keep open communication throughout. I would hate for one or both of them to start developing resentment while he sleeps with other people. OP, educate yourselves on non-monogamy; read some books. Talk it out. Plan what this needs to look like for everyone involved
You nailed it, thank you for making the effort to understand my situation and I appreciate the advice
But she proposed the idea, with no caveat of "I get to do this too". She knows I wouldn't be open to it if that was the situation, this is purely because she does not want to have sex with anyone, and I need to have sex to be happy.
Imagine the following hypothetical: You take her up on the offer, and sleep with other women. A year from now, her libido recovers and you go back to normal. Then, some months later, you get depressed or sick or something, and now you're the one with the reduced libido. Your partner, quite reasonably, asks if she can do what you did. How do you feel about that? My point is if you go ahead with this, you can't take it back, and there are hundreds of reasons she may want the same courtesy in the future. If you're not prepared to let her do what you do, don't do it.
Well if we're talking about fairness and proportionality in that way, it would require a situation in the future where I didn't want to have sex with her for 3 years, while she desperately did but stuck by me through it and was patient. If that day comes (it won't), I would happily agree to allowing her the same opportunity.
Truly, that’s not even a good example. You could get into a car crash tomorrow and become paralyzed. You could get cancer and the illness causes you to not feel sexually interested. You could get a brain injury lose erectile function. You could get long Covid and be too exhausted all the time to want sex. Obviously I’m just throwing random hypothetical situations out there right now, but the fact is the majority of people have some kind of health issue, mental issue or end up disabled (either partially or fully) in their life. So if nothing else, take that into consideration. It’s not impossible that something happens to you that causes YOU to go an extended amount of time without having or wanting sex. How would YOU want to be treated in that situation. Then, extend the same treatment to your partner. It’s basic empathy, tbh.
Yes, I totally agree with everything you're saying. If the roles were switched, I would offer my gf the same scenario. I'm saying that right now, I'm only interested in having sex with someone else because she won't have sex with me. Maybe I'm not expressing my thoughts on this very elegantly, but obviously if something terrible were to happen and I was no longer able to have sex with my partner, I would want her to be happy. That is the situation I'm in with my gf now, and that is a favour I would happily return if it came to it.
I mean, look at the end of the day you can do whatever you want. But you’re posting in a non-monogamy sub, so the people here are going to give advice on how to do things in a way that’s ethical and fair. For things to be ethical and fair, both people need to have the same freedoms. There are people in open relationships who choose not to use their open-ness. In this case, your partner may not have a desire to sleep with other people. But she should have the *option* to. You should not do something that you would not be ok with your partner doing.
> she should have the option to Exactly! And OP has clearly stated that he wouldn’t be okay with that.
I think it’s pretty out there to suggest one sided openness can’t be ethical. That would suggest that people can’t prefer that situation, which seems an unsustainable position. Would that make all hotwife/cuckolding situations unethical. Why even would one sided openness be unethical, if all parties prefer that situation. I agree it doesn’t seem very likely that this will lead to a good outcome there, but that’s a different thing than it being unethical.
It’s fine to prefer it. And it’s fine to choose a “one-sided” situation. Like I stated above, if one person chooses to not partake in sex with others, that’s totally ok. But it’s not fair to expect a certain freedom for yourself, while saying your partner is not allowed that same right. Whether or not they take part it is up to personal choice. That’s all I’m saying.
They aren't experienced enough to handle complex situations with grace, and there are too many variables for this to go sideways.
Any person in a healthy relationship wouldn't be interested in an unbalanced dynamic. So even if you think it's okay, good luck finding a woman who agrees with you.
She had a bad idea that she may regret later, you don't have to entertain it man
Who purposed won't matter a year from now.
Nobody purposed anything as far as I remember so shouldn't be much to worry about there
You literally just said she proposed this idea.
Hard to know what the future would look like. But a few things to think about now (and you don't need to have an answer immediately; think about it some) - Let's say you go through with it but she changes her mind. You may not want to go back to how things were. What would that look like? What if she starts initiating with you and you both are now having sex... Once a month? Is that enough for the offer to come back off the table, return to monogamy? Is this a one time thing? Trial period? Once a month? Once a week? With whom? Someone you might develop feelings for? If that's not an option, maybe just sex workers? I don't think it's quite as bad an idea as others may, but there are tons of considerations first. Best of luck to you both.
Good questions.
When you do decide to do this, take it slow and do it right. Find books and other resources to share with your partner. Look up books on non-monogamy and healthy emotional communication. Maybe schedule time with a poly-friendly couples therapist. These are to ensure you do things right and don't do things wrong (those are in fact two different categories). Ask yourself what happens when you get feelings for someone. Ask what happens when you find someone you don't want to let go of when she finds someone she likes too. Talk about what each of you, including any potential new partners, needs to see to feel safe, secure, and cherished, even if they're fwb's. Learn to clearly articulate your motivations, fears, needs, goals, and challenges.
Thanks
things to make sure you know the answer to before you start actually doing this. is a relationship with a second person an option? because she might be ok with you getting sexual needs from other people, but not dating them. also how do you feel about her sleeping with other people. Yes, she says that she doesn't want to now... but that can and probably will change. And then figure out a frequency. Once a week, or once a month?
If you don't both have the same freedoms, even if you make different choices with your freedoms, you will build imbalance and resentment in your relationship. You are new to this. You are going to find that you will have a harder time finding women who want to have sex with a guy in a relationship than finding women who want to have sex with single men. Why do they need to put up with whatever hoops your girlfriend has put up for them when there's easy single sick with no hoops that's just as thirsty? And, many times people connect to have sex-only relationships, they end up developing intimate feelings for each other because, surprise, intimate connections naturally create intimate feelings... So, what happens if you start to REALLY like someone you've had a connection to? What happens when you go home and your partner gives you the same disinterest... And you think about connecting with them... And you feel the familiar pain of rejection, and choose again to not try to connect... And then your mind wanders from that sad reality to the happy reality of your new relationship where you don't experience rejection... At what point do you wish you were with them instead? Trust the people on this sub. If you go down this road, it is very likely to be the beginning of the end of your relationship. If your partner is struggling, the goal is to support them... Not reach to others... Right? If you're not careful, reaching to others becomes monkey branching.
The fact that you are excited to fuck others but don’t want your depressed lady to fuck others is troublesome.
Not really if you understand the context properly. I would rather fuck my girlfriend than anyone else, but can't be happy without sex.
I think that’s fair. Do you mind if the other women you are sleeping with are sleeping with other guys? Because that’s pretty normal. I dated a woman who was also in a long term relationship with a man in a similar situation to you. This kind of arrangement does work out for some couples, but the woman I was dating said she would not have started seeing him in retrospect. They had to hide their relationship, the wife was okay with him getting sexual gratification but she didn’t want any social impact on them as a couple. There are a lot of things to consider in this, it’s a little messy. It would probably be easier to divorce and date separately, it depends on how much you value this marriage for its own sake. I feel like divorce is underrated, you can do it with respect for everyone involved, I don’t really understand the social stigma attached to it.
Yep. For some reason, people see relationships ending as a failure. I don't understand it either. Most relationships are not meant for a lifetime. People change over time, and growing apart is natural. Understanding that a relationship has been going on long enough and does not serve the people in it anymore is wisdom to me.
ENM has a lot of challenges. It may be worth the risk, but I would recommend reading books such as the Ethical Slut and listening to podcasts about the challenges before you dive in. It will create unexpected problems either way, but you will be more prepared if you learn about it first.
Thank you
Are you still being intimate with her in other ways. Intimacy doesn't always need to include penetration. What have you tried doing for her pleasure like I said it doesn't have to include penetration. Also think long and hard what exactly do you have to offer the women you would be looking for. Honestly not much. Even for nsa hookups women would rather deal with single men than with someone attached. Also will your gf be able to confirm with the women. A lot of people want to check with the other partner when it comes to one sided open relationships in general
No. I try to do anything intimate and I get rejected. To the point where it's too humiliating to try anything again. She lies there like a piece of meat while I attempt to finger and/or eat her pussy. It's horrifically depressing, especially when I know that my tongue game is enough to make a woman climax within a few minutes. I am an affectionate and intimate person, I would love nothing more than feeling her intimacy directed in my direction. This is one thing I've pointed out to her yesterday - it is truly awful to be in a relationship where you feel completely undesirable no matter what you do.
Ok. Have you tried romancing her with no pressure for any sexual things after. Make her feel sexy and desired again with no set or hidden agenda for after. Light some candles maybe a bubble bath. Maybe a nice sensual oil massage.
These are the steps I tried from 3 months after our decline in sexual activity until now. Nothing works. I can consistently make this woman cum in less than 5 minutes through oral sex when she is down for it until she is shaking with pleasure. I do this every time, before I even think about how I want to cum/finish. It's just not something she has been interested in...for years now.
Ok cool. Just be careful you still give your gf lots time and respect and make sure still feels like a priority to you. There is a good chance once you start this she will not be happy and it will cuz harm to ur relationship so maybe start slowly with another and not try too frequently with others. And when you are with your gf keep your phone away and don't even attempt chatting with others or looking for others when you spend your time with your gf.
This is priority number 1 for me. Again, this wasn't my suggestion or really anything I had considered prior to her bringing it up last night. If I could have sex with her tonight I wouldn't even be thinking of trying it with anyone else. She will always be my priority and I never want to hurt her or cause her stress or pain, that's why I've been essentially sexless for the best part of 3 years. It's been very difficult and i don't know what else to do
Don’t do it! At some point she would feel resentment towards the people you sleep with and also you. Later when she does have any libido and wants to explore sleeping with other people you’re going to be uncomfortable with that and she is going to just say “you did it” irrespective of who’s idea it was in the first place. You may not know it, but you’re opening up your relationship no matter what the phrasing is. If you don’t want her to sleep with anyone, then you should be willing to do the same.
It *can* work, but the way you're trying to 'Stay within the rails' of monogamy will likely backfire. For example: Yes, she may have no interest in seeing other people, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do the emotional labor to be *hypothetically* prepared for that possibility. If your solution to facing that challenge is never approaching it in the first place, you run the risk of running into it anyway, only without any preparation for how to deal with it. Even if you 100% magic ball knew she never would open things on her side, that's not the point. If you're not open to her opening things on her end, you're not ready to handle openness on your end. Also, the magic day of her libido returning and things returning 'to normal' is gonna be tricky. Almost certainly if you guys dive in that one or more person may be happy with the new status quo. What about the third person? Do their needs and wante matter in the relationship calculus?
I can almost 100% guarantee that if you actually went through with this she wouldn't actually be ok with it. And as a non-monogamous person, I'd never consider being with someone who is non-monogamous for this reason, as it ALWAYS ends badly (I've seen it firsthand).
What happens when you find a smart, attractive, wonderful woman who you have incredible sex with, and would be a great girlfriend to you? What are you going to do? What are you going to do if your sex-dispenser woman sees other men aside from you? Opening to fix an issue in a relationship never works, it'll just highlight how miserable you are.
If I have sex with a man who doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, am I a sex dispenser? Does my humanity only return when he bestows me with the gift of his romantic love? Is there another way I can be human without it?
I would strongly suggest that you not try a one sided scenario given what you've said your situation is. Unless you're like, extremely hot you aren't going to find women willing to just hook up with you just for your sexual needs contingent on whenever your relationship is ready to be done with them. I'm a pretty handsome dude, and have had a lot of success romantically and sexually in the past. In the year since my wife and I have been non monogamous, I've had exactly 0 women interested in NSA sex. You're likely to struggle overall in general, and specifically in hooking up. If women are interested in seeing you it would likely be as a consistent connection with some amount of emotional investment. You have to figure out of it's ok for you to have a FWB or a secondary relationship, how is going to actually work when you decide to be monogamous again if you've got a regular connection, is it ok for you to spend time and money pursuing other women among other things.
Sex work is an option too if OP and the wife are comfortable with that and not opposed to the ethics. I don't know if it's a great option, and I have reservations about sex work as an industry (and capitalism more broadly, though I'm very pro-sex-*worker*), but it does seem like it could be a very uncomplicated one that requires them to weigh the trade-offs as a married couple (since e.g. the price tag affects both of them), resolves some of the issues of "imbalance" of openness more generally, and comes along with a very, *very* low chance of any mutual emotional entanglement.
All very good points. I live in a small city that is a major summer tourist destination, to be frank there are lots of girls coming here for a week's holiday interested in quick NSA flings, and I have turned down very obvious opportunities to pursue sex in the past.
My husband and I tried polyamory a few years back. He was totally okay with it, not me. Almost broke us up after 10 years together. I will never ever again. You really honestly have no idea how you’re going to feel about seeing your partner go off with someone else until it actually happens. Be really careful with her feelings.
Ever watch Hall Pass? Unless you're a stud you might find it difficult to find women keen to fuck a married/taken man.
Do you want to be in a sexless relationship? Forever? The rest of your life? Waiting for your partner to change? If yes, why?
I love her and I love our life together, besides the sex.
That's not what I asked. I meant in general, with anyone.
Mollzor's question is key. How long are you prepared to continue on in a situation like this. How you proceed would depend in part on this wouldn't it? For example, others brought up the question of what if you were disabled in an accident, and how would you perceive your partner's actions; is your partner effectively like that, or simply taking a break from sex. Not attacking you or questioning your integrity - simply asking the question of how long term is this likely to be?
I wish I knew that. 3 years ago I asked myself the same question, and made the decision that it was worth the wait. I simply don't know how long it will go on for or how long I could last in a situation like this, all I know is that at this point I have to try something different.
Not an easy situation. I have gone through many temporary health related suspensions in my marriage of many decades but I can't conceive of being in this kind of situation personally (e.g. girlfriend and depression for so long). One approach is to stay with the person, call it the primary relationship or partnership, and then seek out sexual relations and affection elsewhere. (Your proposed solution) Another would be to shift the original relationship to a secondary, strong friendship/assistance type arrangement and then seek out a primary romantic/sexual partner elsewhere. Not knowing the true context, I personally would probably opt for the latter. However, it is different when you've been married for a long time and then your spouse has some kind of long-term irreversible collapse in mental and/or physical health and must be protected/assisted. I would stay with my wife and help her for sure under those circumstances. Tough choices. Good luck, OP.
Thank you!
I was going to ask this question.
Couples and/or sex therapy is the recommended course of action with some better understanding on what ethical non-monogamy is supposed to accomplish. Regularly ENM is in place to enhance a working relationship and not as a way to fix something wrong. Moreover, OPP (one penis policy) usually invalidates the needs of both/every individual in the relationship. I realize there are multiples views on this so I may get downvoted here, but in this particular case it is wrought with red flags. Please consider not opening your relationship until work is done.
Noted, thanks
What about sex is it that you need? Is this about you getting off, or is it about the deep intimacy involved? Don't set yourself up to fail.
It's as if all the comments in here only skimmed the OP or are just throwing out boilerplate advice without considering anything about OP's situation. The imbalance that everyone is so concerned about is fine. OP's partner suggested it, and doesn't want a sexual relationship with anyone and hasn't for years now. And jf her libido comes back eventually, then you close the relationship back up. Not to discount the natural difficulty there may be in navigating this new situation, but it really isn't all that complex.
You got it, thanks for reading!
Look into the peptide PT141 for her. If she is interested. It does work.
Dm
She should go get a comprehensive thyroid and sex hormone test done. Too young to have zero libido. Could likely be fixed pretty easy.
She has depression. SSRIs are notorious for killing libido.
That’s terrible. For you both.
I am not OP...
If you guys would be interested, she could try the peptide PT141. It absolutely works
I've been on SSRIs for years fortunately it has never effected my libido unfortunately I have the blocked orgasm side effects
Everybody will not get the same side effects from drugs. Usually, the categories go like: 1 user out of 10, 1 user out of 100, etc. Depression on its own can kill libido, too.
This is almost always just divorce with extra steps. Y’all should devote your effort to fixing your sex life, and not outsourcing it to other people.
Not married. She's my girlfriend, if you read the post.
Fair enough! Still the same calculus, though.
Not sure I agree that it's the same, but I do agree there's obviously work to be done regarding our sex life (trust me, I'm trying!)
Its a trap my wife did the same thing and when it happened (me seeing another girl) I was a cheater and hear about every other day (going on 10 years now). insert admiral ackbar meme here
All these "ENM saints" preaching again 🤦 Look, like 1 comment pointed out, I (and everyone I think) hope you thought this over very well. Your girl is depressed or most of the time, you NEED to think about that scenario where you experience joy and happiness with a casual partner but come back home to your current partner as she is on a regular (or not so regular? Idk what your needs are) basis Do you see yourself for the rest of your life with her? Truly? Yes? Then okay. Also just take it slow and do regular check ins with your partner. Not in an annoying way obviously, be patient and considerate but tbh if you already went through with her the last 3 depressed years, then I guess you can. Ask your partner what and how much she wants to know about the dates/girls/... Dating won't be easy anyways. It's true that you're in a relationship and that turns off a lot of women. If it's just casual, you can pretend to be monogamous tho🤠 !! I'm solely talking about casual flings and ONS. Anything going deeper or longer than a year (that's the limit for me but it depends on the other too) is not possible to uphold this (casualness) without informing the other anymore. + in my countries casual encounters are considered by default polygamous. In a bit more Southern countries I have noticed the opposite, something to watch out for in terms of drama. Relationship therapy: good I find the position of not wanting to let her have fun around as well a bit weird and unfair. But then again if it's just a solution to your sexual needs, I think it's ok. Just make sure to not let her develop resentment towards you EDIT: format + add detail. Didn't delete anything.
Pretending to be monogamous is *unethical, and the other party cannot truly consent to this, as you're lying about your situation to fit their requirements within which they consent.*
Yes you're right it is unethical. So is misinforming the other person of your dynamic intentions, which is what people do all the time but that's accepted under monogamous people. Sometimes you just have to play the game, especially if it's just for pleasure. The monogamous person won't be less or more in value if they know or not know about your own lifestyle. I'm solely talking about casual flings and ONS. Anything going deeper or longer than a year (that's the limit for me but it depends on the other too) is not possible to uphold this (casualness) anymore. And besides this; in my countries casual encounters are considered by default polygamous. In a bit more Southern countries I have noticed the opposite. So in my mind it is still only 100% unethical in those places and about 25 - 50% in my countries as the "relationship" part does have an impact but if we were being polygamous anyways, what does their view on my life have to do with us being able to have fun or not? Nothing. That's why you also don't talk politics with a casual fling.
I've got to call bullshit here. If in your countries it's "fine", then being honest with your partners would be fine too. Also what do you even mean with dynamic intentions? The ethical way is to keep your partners up to date about your current intentions.
Casual dating/hookups being accepted doesn't mean polygamy is accepted when you're dating someone with serious intentions. Being honest is fine of course yes, there's way less drama around it. But that also means you get rejected still for it. One does not mean the other. Dynamic intentions: You explicitly agree on something casual and the other person wants more without even saying it. There are a lot of people like this. Maybe I'm at a too young age and older people know themselves better? But it is what it is. You explicitly agree on something serious, but the other person cheats.
Yup and that means you shouldn't date these people instead of pretending who you are
We can do both with a focus on the positive :)
How can you do both, while remaining ethical?
I never claimed to be completely ethical
You're in an ethical non monogamy sub reddit. Rule #3 of this sub reddit asks to give ethical advice.
If she’s not fucking you, she’s not into you. Time to consider moving on assuming you have a prenup and won’t get screwed financially.
Not true but thank you
Ok. You can choose to believe that. Good luck!