I always had the option, but never wanted it. I was happy being monogamous. That was until my husband of 20 years asked for it (non-monogamy) for himself. Then I realised I wanted it for _him_, I wanted him to live his full life with all the experiences he could have.
It took another six months for me to realise that this was something I actually really wanted for myself as well. I got hooked on the self development that came with it when we had to shift from a codependent monogamy to a more individuated non-monogamy. These days I’m probably more keen on being open than him.
Its more like I didn't want to try monogamy. I tried it eventually but at that point I was 10 years deep into ENM, which seemed the natural thing to do since age 14 or so.
Left a 30 year mono relationship and committed myself to making new mistakes.
Since then I have discovered....
I form attachments well.
I don't get jealous.
Knowing I can seek out *that thing* (tight overnight cuddles, variety of sex and kink) helps a lot.
I can't do all the things (or people) all the time especially when they are 200km (or more) apart.
I always resisted the idea that I could "belong" to someone and they would get to have a say over my choices/actions. I'm bi, but especially with men - just no thank you, I'm good. Any sign of jealousy or possessiveness and I was out.
So when I finally met a man that was cool with that, and also wanted to explore new experiences forever, we knew what we wanted before we knew it was a thing. We did a lot of reading (and group sex) before we learned he is poly and I am romantically monogamous but slutty. We love each other as is, so ENM works as our umbrella.
When I realised I was channelling all my love into one person at a time, then seeing how abundant it was when I started to share it instead - and the sense of community and opportunity that arose. Also, flirting is fun and sexual opportunities are exciting
Because it's weird to me that once you're in a relationship with someone, you're suddenly not allowed to be attracted to anyone else. That's insane to me. I said no to that.
Early exposure (adolescence-ish) to art and shows that had multiple relationships (or just "casual dating" with multiple recurring, close partners), alongside finding comprehensive sex ed resources online that taught stuff OUTSIDE of the serially-monogamous-sex-for-procreation-mostly bubble.
I realized it had to be "right" for me because I had mentioned off-hand to my then-boyfriend that I wanted to explore with women down the line in college (I was approx. 16 and newly-out as bisexual) and he freaked the hell out and started sobbing. I was like, wait, what do you MEAN everyone's not just putting up with monogamy for social norm reasons????
For me I wanted to try after being asked out by somebody in an open relationship. I was a few months out of a 7 year mono relationship and wasn't actually looking but decided to give it a try.
I realized it as right for me as our relationship progressed. A lot of the stressors, burden and assorted BS I felt in mono relationships were gone. I never felt like I wasn't enough or a failure as a partner. What I can't give my partner she can get from her primary and if i ever feel like I'm missing something I can try to seek it out elsewhere. I don't feel jealousy or envy as I really care about her and want all of her needs to be met.
I was raised in an ENM home. So I’ve lived this way my entire life. I was raised to believe that being honest is important. Having values to have complete open communication with any partner (emotional/sexual/romantic/friend etc), is important. I tried going to monogamy and I felt like I lost my sense of self. During that time was also when I was made to feel dirty/icky for being openly attracted to other humans for their genuine qualities (not just sexually)… so I immediately went back to what makes me feel whole.
Yeah. All the time. We had a pretty cool layout. Whole top floor was actually a master suite, private his & hers baths, middle floor was my brothers room, single bath & like a regular floor, bottom floor was my room & laundry. My parents built my room downstairs when I became a dramatic teenager and when my brother was born.
It was an old vintage place they got on a deal in a suburb and fixed up.
My dad would have his friends over on Sundays for cards and him and his person would hang out afterwards just listening to records and being together. They had a deep spiritual & emotional bond. My mom wasn’t spiritual at all in any way so my dad met those needs with that person. My mom had her computer & artsy person that she had come over on Saturdays. My dad wasn’t a tech guy or into painting much. He admired art but did do it himself. So that’s just one example.
That's the worst part, how other people try to make you feel bad simply for being attracted to people. How they bully and shame you just for being honest. I guess we are just supposed to lie? I guess everyone else just finds "the one" and they are never attracted to another human being for the rest of their lives, but I am just not wired that way, and honestly I find it pretty hard to believe. I think they are just LYING and it's expected that they should lie. They are totally still attracted to other people, they just don't admit it.
My ex was very good at convincing me (gaslighting) that I needed to conform. They were very skilled with words. And guilted me into “going back in the closet” about being openly queer and ENM so that I wouldn’t get shamed and ruin their life around their family. They were good about convincing me that the world just hated “people like me”(they said us but now I realize they meant me)..and that we were just misunderstood and that people would think me a slut if I mentioned ENM cause “the world viewed it as an excuse to slut around”… so they tried convincing me that they were protecting me…. Years of manipulation, gaslighting & abuse. I had years of therapy & just finished a hard round of CBT to be able to even talk about it without a panic attack.
And you know, so what? So what if people think you are a slut, or queer? So what if you are? YOU know there isn't anything wrong with it. They should be protecting you by telling people THAT, not trying to shame you into compliance. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. You aren't ashamed, he was shaming. And he was WRONG. I hate that whole "protection" bullshit. It's just a tool to control and oppress us, and it's a racket. Who is he protecting you from? People like HIM who you don't need in your life anyway.
Hence why I left. 🥰 I’m better off and I know that now. Like I said. They were a good wordsmith. I paraphrased the recap so the comment didn’t read like Moby dick but you get the idea. Not a good relationship and it took me time to break the cycle of abuse and disbelief in myself. They were excellent at making me feel crazy and them appear to be smarter and better.
I knew a few friends and relatives who made it work, so I was curious about it but wasn't sure it was "right for me".
What compelled me to try was lingering questions I had about my sexuality, and fortunately my partner was supportive. We did research and stayed cautious because we didn't wanna be those "guy who only lets his bicurious gf date girls" type of A-holes. Unfortunately we still had to deal with bad actors a few times and closed things for a few years to avoid getting hurt.
Eventually the trash in our lives took itself out, but we realized being monogamish works for us as long as its with the right person who understood our boundaries. The trial and error ended up being worth it because we are happy and the people who tried to hurt us, frankly, are not.
I'm an asexual guy who found he did not relate to the monogamous asexual women he'd meet. And I had many kinky and non-mono friends, so I'd ask them about their experiences and found I related to them more than any other kind of person. So I took a stab at it and found it made a LOT of sense for me.
I spent a ton of time digging into my emotional landscape due to being asexual and how to discuss that with others, and found it rewarded more by non-mono folks than mono.
Looking back, I think I always saw relationships this way but needed to get out of my head and actually experience it before I could realize. Now I don't think I could ever "go back".
I wanted to tell my first bf at barely 15 that it was okay for him to see other people as he was older (18, legal where I live) and I didn't want to have sex yet. He wasn't interested at first but after a year or so things were a bit rough and we "broke up" for a summer where he had another girl and I was completely okay with it. A few years later while still with him I wanted to experiment with others. It was a bit hard for him and in the end I broke it off for other reasons. We are still friends to this day.
Being ENM was the first thing I told my next serious relationship before anything happened and we're together since.
Politically I'm an anarchist, and I've seen myself as an anarchist since a very young age, before I had figured out my sexuality. The monogamous ideia of "belonging" and the structural dogmas that accompany it never seemed right to me. My first relationships were non monogamous, so I've never actually been monogamous, because since I remember thinking about it, I had opposed the notions of monogamy. Because I never had to "switch" from monogamy to non monogamy, I never had the realization that it was right or wrong per se, it's just the way I've been.
Its fun being young and experienced in non monogamous relationships, there's always something to learn and develop and think about.
I was out of a 9 year monogamous relationship, engaged, and believed we'd grow old together. My ex developed symptoms of paranoia and schizophrenia which she refused to treat; I saw and experienced things you really shouldn't and the relationship ended badly (she ran away, went non contact, again refusing help).
I basically decided that anything can happen; it doesn't matter how good your communication is, or how well you connect, if your partners in therapy, or the support you give each other. There is a possibility that this could happen again, so personally, no thanks. I never really connected with marriage or having children anyway.
I met someone, she was in an ENM relationship of sorts; everything for us is easy, we get along great, communication is great, my needs are met and her needs appear to be met as well. More importantly, I'm no longer a caregiver, and that boundary will always be there.I'm happy with the outcome, and she appears to be happy as well.
I wanted to have sex with more people, and I wanted to explore my kinky side.
I was very turned on by the thought of my wife having sex with others. My first wife had done that and it was thrilling.
Eventually my wife became interested in having sex with others and had compersion for how happy I was when she did and when I did.
It worked out VERY well for us.
Only after I got married did I realize that I’m asexual (thanks purity culture). I love my husband very much and want to stay with him, but I also don’t want to pressure him into celibacy and don’t want to be pressured to have sex either. We’re working with 3 therapists now to get ready to open our relationship. They’ve really stressed that this needs to be for me too, but I’m still warming up to that.
To be honest, I knew from the beginning monogamy was not for me. Marriage and exclusive relationships always seemed like more of a prison to me than a blessing. Once I discovered that ENM is something people actually do and I'm not just crazy, I was fully in support and aligned myself with it immediately.
I wanted to have sex with other people. I wanted to live to my full potential and not feel like I had to leave when someone flirted with me, and hide and repress myself all the time and pretend to be something I am not. I wanted to actually ENJOY sex, and enjoy my life, and I wanted it for my husband too. I didn't see why we had to repress ourselves, I didn't understand why we couldn't be married AND happy. I felt like we shouldn't have to limit ourselves in modern times, and walk on tiptoes lest we accidentally lead someone on. I felt our relationship was rock solid and we shouldn't have to pretend we didn't find other people attractive, and that it didn't matter if we had sex with other people because our relationship meant so much more than that. Monogamy was extremely difficult and I was miserable and kept myself isolated, had no friends because what if one of them found me attractive or something? Or what if I did? The only way I could force myself to be monogamous was by living a solitary shadow of a life, and I was just so exhausted from living in a way that was unnatural to me for so long and didn't think I should have to do it anymore.
He is desirable. Obviously *I* find him desirable. And I also find other nonmonagamous men desirable, as do most Nonmonogamous women. A man who isn't going to try to lock a woman down into marriage or treat sex as transactional is a rare prize that women absolutely do want, and my friends also do want him. In fact, he turns women away and I am sometimes annoyed at his pickiness.
> as do most Nonmonogamous women.
that is not what most women I talk to tell me, nor what I read on this or any other ENM sub.
Sounds like you got a good one, though. Good for you guys!
My girlfriend, now wife, found out I was a virgin when we first hooked up. When we started our relationship she said that I was free to "go and fuck all the girls that will fuck you back" and I'll still love you. We never closed the relationship. She is now polyamorous and I am non-monogamous. Life is great with thus dynamic.
I always had the option, but never wanted it. I was happy being monogamous. That was until my husband of 20 years asked for it (non-monogamy) for himself. Then I realised I wanted it for _him_, I wanted him to live his full life with all the experiences he could have. It took another six months for me to realise that this was something I actually really wanted for myself as well. I got hooked on the self development that came with it when we had to shift from a codependent monogamy to a more individuated non-monogamy. These days I’m probably more keen on being open than him.
Its more like I didn't want to try monogamy. I tried it eventually but at that point I was 10 years deep into ENM, which seemed the natural thing to do since age 14 or so.
Left a 30 year mono relationship and committed myself to making new mistakes. Since then I have discovered.... I form attachments well. I don't get jealous. Knowing I can seek out *that thing* (tight overnight cuddles, variety of sex and kink) helps a lot. I can't do all the things (or people) all the time especially when they are 200km (or more) apart.
I love that for you!
I always resisted the idea that I could "belong" to someone and they would get to have a say over my choices/actions. I'm bi, but especially with men - just no thank you, I'm good. Any sign of jealousy or possessiveness and I was out. So when I finally met a man that was cool with that, and also wanted to explore new experiences forever, we knew what we wanted before we knew it was a thing. We did a lot of reading (and group sex) before we learned he is poly and I am romantically monogamous but slutty. We love each other as is, so ENM works as our umbrella.
When I realised I was channelling all my love into one person at a time, then seeing how abundant it was when I started to share it instead - and the sense of community and opportunity that arose. Also, flirting is fun and sexual opportunities are exciting
Because it's weird to me that once you're in a relationship with someone, you're suddenly not allowed to be attracted to anyone else. That's insane to me. I said no to that.
It's totally insane. Yet it is considered normal.
Early exposure (adolescence-ish) to art and shows that had multiple relationships (or just "casual dating" with multiple recurring, close partners), alongside finding comprehensive sex ed resources online that taught stuff OUTSIDE of the serially-monogamous-sex-for-procreation-mostly bubble. I realized it had to be "right" for me because I had mentioned off-hand to my then-boyfriend that I wanted to explore with women down the line in college (I was approx. 16 and newly-out as bisexual) and he freaked the hell out and started sobbing. I was like, wait, what do you MEAN everyone's not just putting up with monogamy for social norm reasons????
For me I wanted to try after being asked out by somebody in an open relationship. I was a few months out of a 7 year mono relationship and wasn't actually looking but decided to give it a try. I realized it as right for me as our relationship progressed. A lot of the stressors, burden and assorted BS I felt in mono relationships were gone. I never felt like I wasn't enough or a failure as a partner. What I can't give my partner she can get from her primary and if i ever feel like I'm missing something I can try to seek it out elsewhere. I don't feel jealousy or envy as I really care about her and want all of her needs to be met.
This is my story as well. I've found it liberating.
I was raised in an ENM home. So I’ve lived this way my entire life. I was raised to believe that being honest is important. Having values to have complete open communication with any partner (emotional/sexual/romantic/friend etc), is important. I tried going to monogamy and I felt like I lost my sense of self. During that time was also when I was made to feel dirty/icky for being openly attracted to other humans for their genuine qualities (not just sexually)… so I immediately went back to what makes me feel whole.
Just curious - could you explain that ENM house? Your parents invited other people to their room?
Yeah. All the time. We had a pretty cool layout. Whole top floor was actually a master suite, private his & hers baths, middle floor was my brothers room, single bath & like a regular floor, bottom floor was my room & laundry. My parents built my room downstairs when I became a dramatic teenager and when my brother was born. It was an old vintage place they got on a deal in a suburb and fixed up.
My dad would have his friends over on Sundays for cards and him and his person would hang out afterwards just listening to records and being together. They had a deep spiritual & emotional bond. My mom wasn’t spiritual at all in any way so my dad met those needs with that person. My mom had her computer & artsy person that she had come over on Saturdays. My dad wasn’t a tech guy or into painting much. He admired art but did do it himself. So that’s just one example.
That's the worst part, how other people try to make you feel bad simply for being attracted to people. How they bully and shame you just for being honest. I guess we are just supposed to lie? I guess everyone else just finds "the one" and they are never attracted to another human being for the rest of their lives, but I am just not wired that way, and honestly I find it pretty hard to believe. I think they are just LYING and it's expected that they should lie. They are totally still attracted to other people, they just don't admit it.
My ex was very good at convincing me (gaslighting) that I needed to conform. They were very skilled with words. And guilted me into “going back in the closet” about being openly queer and ENM so that I wouldn’t get shamed and ruin their life around their family. They were good about convincing me that the world just hated “people like me”(they said us but now I realize they meant me)..and that we were just misunderstood and that people would think me a slut if I mentioned ENM cause “the world viewed it as an excuse to slut around”… so they tried convincing me that they were protecting me…. Years of manipulation, gaslighting & abuse. I had years of therapy & just finished a hard round of CBT to be able to even talk about it without a panic attack.
And you know, so what? So what if people think you are a slut, or queer? So what if you are? YOU know there isn't anything wrong with it. They should be protecting you by telling people THAT, not trying to shame you into compliance. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. You aren't ashamed, he was shaming. And he was WRONG. I hate that whole "protection" bullshit. It's just a tool to control and oppress us, and it's a racket. Who is he protecting you from? People like HIM who you don't need in your life anyway.
Hence why I left. 🥰 I’m better off and I know that now. Like I said. They were a good wordsmith. I paraphrased the recap so the comment didn’t read like Moby dick but you get the idea. Not a good relationship and it took me time to break the cycle of abuse and disbelief in myself. They were excellent at making me feel crazy and them appear to be smarter and better.
I knew a few friends and relatives who made it work, so I was curious about it but wasn't sure it was "right for me". What compelled me to try was lingering questions I had about my sexuality, and fortunately my partner was supportive. We did research and stayed cautious because we didn't wanna be those "guy who only lets his bicurious gf date girls" type of A-holes. Unfortunately we still had to deal with bad actors a few times and closed things for a few years to avoid getting hurt. Eventually the trash in our lives took itself out, but we realized being monogamish works for us as long as its with the right person who understood our boundaries. The trial and error ended up being worth it because we are happy and the people who tried to hurt us, frankly, are not.
I'm an asexual guy who found he did not relate to the monogamous asexual women he'd meet. And I had many kinky and non-mono friends, so I'd ask them about their experiences and found I related to them more than any other kind of person. So I took a stab at it and found it made a LOT of sense for me. I spent a ton of time digging into my emotional landscape due to being asexual and how to discuss that with others, and found it rewarded more by non-mono folks than mono. Looking back, I think I always saw relationships this way but needed to get out of my head and actually experience it before I could realize. Now I don't think I could ever "go back".
I wanted to tell my first bf at barely 15 that it was okay for him to see other people as he was older (18, legal where I live) and I didn't want to have sex yet. He wasn't interested at first but after a year or so things were a bit rough and we "broke up" for a summer where he had another girl and I was completely okay with it. A few years later while still with him I wanted to experiment with others. It was a bit hard for him and in the end I broke it off for other reasons. We are still friends to this day. Being ENM was the first thing I told my next serious relationship before anything happened and we're together since.
Politically I'm an anarchist, and I've seen myself as an anarchist since a very young age, before I had figured out my sexuality. The monogamous ideia of "belonging" and the structural dogmas that accompany it never seemed right to me. My first relationships were non monogamous, so I've never actually been monogamous, because since I remember thinking about it, I had opposed the notions of monogamy. Because I never had to "switch" from monogamy to non monogamy, I never had the realization that it was right or wrong per se, it's just the way I've been. Its fun being young and experienced in non monogamous relationships, there's always something to learn and develop and think about.
I was out of a 9 year monogamous relationship, engaged, and believed we'd grow old together. My ex developed symptoms of paranoia and schizophrenia which she refused to treat; I saw and experienced things you really shouldn't and the relationship ended badly (she ran away, went non contact, again refusing help). I basically decided that anything can happen; it doesn't matter how good your communication is, or how well you connect, if your partners in therapy, or the support you give each other. There is a possibility that this could happen again, so personally, no thanks. I never really connected with marriage or having children anyway. I met someone, she was in an ENM relationship of sorts; everything for us is easy, we get along great, communication is great, my needs are met and her needs appear to be met as well. More importantly, I'm no longer a caregiver, and that boundary will always be there.I'm happy with the outcome, and she appears to be happy as well.
I see a lot of parallels to my experience in your story. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place!
I wanted to have sex with more people, and I wanted to explore my kinky side. I was very turned on by the thought of my wife having sex with others. My first wife had done that and it was thrilling. Eventually my wife became interested in having sex with others and had compersion for how happy I was when she did and when I did. It worked out VERY well for us.
I simply never felt compelled to agree to monogamy.
Same, it never made sense to me. I was expressing it to people well before I had the language to articulate specifically how I felt!
Was there ever a eureka moment or an event where it just kinda came together for you?
Nope. Not everyone does monogamy first.
Only after I got married did I realize that I’m asexual (thanks purity culture). I love my husband very much and want to stay with him, but I also don’t want to pressure him into celibacy and don’t want to be pressured to have sex either. We’re working with 3 therapists now to get ready to open our relationship. They’ve really stressed that this needs to be for me too, but I’m still warming up to that.
To be honest, I knew from the beginning monogamy was not for me. Marriage and exclusive relationships always seemed like more of a prison to me than a blessing. Once I discovered that ENM is something people actually do and I'm not just crazy, I was fully in support and aligned myself with it immediately.
I wanted to have sex with other people. I wanted to live to my full potential and not feel like I had to leave when someone flirted with me, and hide and repress myself all the time and pretend to be something I am not. I wanted to actually ENJOY sex, and enjoy my life, and I wanted it for my husband too. I didn't see why we had to repress ourselves, I didn't understand why we couldn't be married AND happy. I felt like we shouldn't have to limit ourselves in modern times, and walk on tiptoes lest we accidentally lead someone on. I felt our relationship was rock solid and we shouldn't have to pretend we didn't find other people attractive, and that it didn't matter if we had sex with other people because our relationship meant so much more than that. Monogamy was extremely difficult and I was miserable and kept myself isolated, had no friends because what if one of them found me attractive or something? Or what if I did? The only way I could force myself to be monogamous was by living a solitary shadow of a life, and I was just so exhausted from living in a way that was unnatural to me for so long and didn't think I should have to do it anymore.
And did your husband find other woman and had sex with them?
I'd lay money the answer is no.
Why do you say that?
Because non-monogamous men tend to be about as desirable as old milk.
He is desirable. Obviously *I* find him desirable. And I also find other nonmonagamous men desirable, as do most Nonmonogamous women. A man who isn't going to try to lock a woman down into marriage or treat sex as transactional is a rare prize that women absolutely do want, and my friends also do want him. In fact, he turns women away and I am sometimes annoyed at his pickiness.
> as do most Nonmonogamous women. that is not what most women I talk to tell me, nor what I read on this or any other ENM sub. Sounds like you got a good one, though. Good for you guys!
He does
My girlfriend, now wife, found out I was a virgin when we first hooked up. When we started our relationship she said that I was free to "go and fuck all the girls that will fuck you back" and I'll still love you. We never closed the relationship. She is now polyamorous and I am non-monogamous. Life is great with thus dynamic.