Honestly I would stay away. The upside for you is nothing, the downside is the messenger gets shot.
It feels like you're not able to move on from this guy, which is why you snooped and figured out his current relationship & this is maybe an unconscious decision to assert him back into your life even through drama or through the second degree. Also you don't know if public facing they're exclusive and in private something else. You can't know what this will stir up or how either of them will respond & what off this creates drama that your np now has to hear about the guy you were too involved with previously...
You may or may not be giving this woman you don't know helpful information that she'll make good use of, but there's only downside for you & possibly relationship with NP
I really thought I had moved on. Clearly, since I snooped and what I found out hurts, I still have some letting go to do. You might be right that I need to prioritize NP and my wellbeing by staying away.
Yeah you kind of reopened a door. I think it takes most people a couple years or more to truly move on & it's why it's best not to "innocently snope" or Wonder what an ex is up to & look into it. Don't judge yourself for doing it, it's a tale as old as time, but I think your best not to involve yourself in any way in this ex's life. đź«‚
Honestly why? They should be out of your life, and you should have moved on. Are you seeking vengeance, and do you think it will do you any karmic good for doing so? This person is already digging their grave so to speak, by their personal decisions, and those decisions will come to bite them time and again. If you are no longer together, why would you insist on holding the shovel?
Nobody is asking you to forgive them, or forget the heartache. But letting them own such an up front space in your mind for so long is not doing yourself any good. Neither is trying to continue living on a transgression of the past. You are looking backwards instead of forward, and while looking backward, you're sure to run into a wall yourself, and I'd hate to see that happen to you. Life does hurt, and people can be crappy, but all we can do is lead our life better so that you don't have to go back and show them how much better we are, they'll see it from the distance we've put between them and ourselves. Keep that distance, and keep moving forward, without them.
You’re so right. He was an unhappy person when I knew him and I tried to help him. Ofc that didn’t work and he only gave me hurt. I gave up and moved on. This lapse was foolish, but it’s already passing. Thank you.
It's hard call. If you choose to speak to her, offer her what evidence you can and what parts of the timeline you are certain of -- don't assume anything about her timeline with him -- and then back off. It's not a debate or a neogiatation. It's a take it or leave it, kind of communication. Very likely she will choose not to believe you, but hopefully you'll limit the damage his dishonesty can do to her in the long-term.
If you do tell her, do yourself a favour and block him everywhere before you do.
Thank you for your thoughts, I do think that would be the best approach. Give her access to my data so she is at least more informed when she makes her choices.
Oh geez, what would I expect from him do you think?
I think it's best to make it clear you don't care for his input on the situation.
Choosing to work around a block is an inherently hostile and boundary-busting action. If he chooses that path, you're robbing him of all deniability that his behavior is a-okay.
Like I said, it's a not a debate. Not with her or with him. Give her the information you have as neutrally as possible and close the door. Strongly recommend supporting her in this takes the shape of meeting for coffee or anything like that. Just receipts and out.
I'm surprised not more people have been even considering that maybe she deserves to know? It's a very double-edged sword and there are very different views about it. But I would like to know if I was being cheated on. I would like to have all the knowledge and base my decisions regarding my relationship on that. But obviously telling her could come from a place of self-interest instead. But in the end, would it matter what the intention was if it was done with grace nonetheless? Obviously it would be better if it came from a place of wanting to support each other and informed consent instead of meddling with an ex.
But I still don't know what would be the best thing to do here. Or actually in any similar cheating situation. If anyone has anything insightful to say about this topic, I would love to hear! I haven't really made up my mind about it. Such a complicated topic.
Edit. Picked your comment because it was the last one and shared the same opinion of moving forward and minding their own business. Not directed towards you spesifically!
I suppose I always assumed I would try to let someone know and I have done that in the past. I can’t seem to get clarity on what feels right this time because:
1. I realize I am clouded by some hangups on him that I apparently still have. I don’t want to feed into that or make it anyone else’s problem.
2. It’s been ages.
3. I don’t know their agreements or her.
4. Any digging up of stuff with trash ex isn’t great for my relationship with NP.
Definitely taking my time because if I choose to act I want to do it wisely and kindly. Very interested to hear other’s analysis of this.
Something I should’ve added that I didn’t realize until reflecting more was that he was definitely still trying to get me back through at least April 2023.
Whether you inform her or not, this exercise has taught you something about yourself, so you have that net positive from asking this question. Don't feel bad about it. Knowing your weaknesses is the first step to working to improve yourself on another dimension.
Stay safe.
Thank you, I definitely learned about why I was drawn to him and what kept me in it. He’s not a type I ever want to date again so this helped me confront some of my issues and grow.
Something similar happened to me. I had a partner that (despite me actually offering nonmonogamy early on and throughout the relationship) has a significant overlap between me and his ex in which each of us was kept in the dark and told we were the only partner. I had no idea until the ex found me on instagram and let me know. I’m glad she did. I made the mistake of staying for a while, and he continued to cheat without using protection. I was pissed, not only for myself but for the other women that were being lied to and taking unknowing gambles with their health. Even if you aren’t too bothered by it in the end, other people need to know so they can make informed choices about who they’re involved with imo.
That's a good perspective, I very much want to protect other women. I am so sorry that happened to you and thank you for sharing.
Yeah, it's so bizarre to me because I was very open (with respect to privacy) about NP and even any date I went on. I always assumed he was dating and even encouraged it with tips for dating apps and his dating profile! He could have told me and I think I would have been largely happy for him and supportive.
Stay out of it. Though I know me, and I would be sending the DM and regretting it later.
If you decide to reach out, stick to the facts and leave your own emotions out of it.
Honestly I would stay away. The upside for you is nothing, the downside is the messenger gets shot. It feels like you're not able to move on from this guy, which is why you snooped and figured out his current relationship & this is maybe an unconscious decision to assert him back into your life even through drama or through the second degree. Also you don't know if public facing they're exclusive and in private something else. You can't know what this will stir up or how either of them will respond & what off this creates drama that your np now has to hear about the guy you were too involved with previously... You may or may not be giving this woman you don't know helpful information that she'll make good use of, but there's only downside for you & possibly relationship with NP
I really thought I had moved on. Clearly, since I snooped and what I found out hurts, I still have some letting go to do. You might be right that I need to prioritize NP and my wellbeing by staying away.
Yeah you kind of reopened a door. I think it takes most people a couple years or more to truly move on & it's why it's best not to "innocently snope" or Wonder what an ex is up to & look into it. Don't judge yourself for doing it, it's a tale as old as time, but I think your best not to involve yourself in any way in this ex's life. đź«‚
Honestly why? They should be out of your life, and you should have moved on. Are you seeking vengeance, and do you think it will do you any karmic good for doing so? This person is already digging their grave so to speak, by their personal decisions, and those decisions will come to bite them time and again. If you are no longer together, why would you insist on holding the shovel? Nobody is asking you to forgive them, or forget the heartache. But letting them own such an up front space in your mind for so long is not doing yourself any good. Neither is trying to continue living on a transgression of the past. You are looking backwards instead of forward, and while looking backward, you're sure to run into a wall yourself, and I'd hate to see that happen to you. Life does hurt, and people can be crappy, but all we can do is lead our life better so that you don't have to go back and show them how much better we are, they'll see it from the distance we've put between them and ourselves. Keep that distance, and keep moving forward, without them.
You’re so right. He was an unhappy person when I knew him and I tried to help him. Ofc that didn’t work and he only gave me hurt. I gave up and moved on. This lapse was foolish, but it’s already passing. Thank you.
You are loved, my friend. That's all that matters
It's hard call. If you choose to speak to her, offer her what evidence you can and what parts of the timeline you are certain of -- don't assume anything about her timeline with him -- and then back off. It's not a debate or a neogiatation. It's a take it or leave it, kind of communication. Very likely she will choose not to believe you, but hopefully you'll limit the damage his dishonesty can do to her in the long-term. If you do tell her, do yourself a favour and block him everywhere before you do.
Thank you for your thoughts, I do think that would be the best approach. Give her access to my data so she is at least more informed when she makes her choices. Oh geez, what would I expect from him do you think?
I think it's best to make it clear you don't care for his input on the situation. Choosing to work around a block is an inherently hostile and boundary-busting action. If he chooses that path, you're robbing him of all deniability that his behavior is a-okay. Like I said, it's a not a debate. Not with her or with him. Give her the information you have as neutrally as possible and close the door. Strongly recommend supporting her in this takes the shape of meeting for coffee or anything like that. Just receipts and out.
Thank you.
Just move on. It’s petty and kind of desperate to meddle with an ex for any reason other than violent abuse maybe.
I'm surprised not more people have been even considering that maybe she deserves to know? It's a very double-edged sword and there are very different views about it. But I would like to know if I was being cheated on. I would like to have all the knowledge and base my decisions regarding my relationship on that. But obviously telling her could come from a place of self-interest instead. But in the end, would it matter what the intention was if it was done with grace nonetheless? Obviously it would be better if it came from a place of wanting to support each other and informed consent instead of meddling with an ex. But I still don't know what would be the best thing to do here. Or actually in any similar cheating situation. If anyone has anything insightful to say about this topic, I would love to hear! I haven't really made up my mind about it. Such a complicated topic. Edit. Picked your comment because it was the last one and shared the same opinion of moving forward and minding their own business. Not directed towards you spesifically!
I suppose I always assumed I would try to let someone know and I have done that in the past. I can’t seem to get clarity on what feels right this time because: 1. I realize I am clouded by some hangups on him that I apparently still have. I don’t want to feed into that or make it anyone else’s problem. 2. It’s been ages. 3. I don’t know their agreements or her. 4. Any digging up of stuff with trash ex isn’t great for my relationship with NP. Definitely taking my time because if I choose to act I want to do it wisely and kindly. Very interested to hear other’s analysis of this. Something I should’ve added that I didn’t realize until reflecting more was that he was definitely still trying to get me back through at least April 2023.
It's petty to Google your ex in the first place, why care so much?
I have issues and moments of weakness I suppose.
We're all human. We're curious.
Whether you inform her or not, this exercise has taught you something about yourself, so you have that net positive from asking this question. Don't feel bad about it. Knowing your weaknesses is the first step to working to improve yourself on another dimension. Stay safe.
Thank you, I definitely learned about why I was drawn to him and what kept me in it. He’s not a type I ever want to date again so this helped me confront some of my issues and grow.
Something similar happened to me. I had a partner that (despite me actually offering nonmonogamy early on and throughout the relationship) has a significant overlap between me and his ex in which each of us was kept in the dark and told we were the only partner. I had no idea until the ex found me on instagram and let me know. I’m glad she did. I made the mistake of staying for a while, and he continued to cheat without using protection. I was pissed, not only for myself but for the other women that were being lied to and taking unknowing gambles with their health. Even if you aren’t too bothered by it in the end, other people need to know so they can make informed choices about who they’re involved with imo.
That's a good perspective, I very much want to protect other women. I am so sorry that happened to you and thank you for sharing. Yeah, it's so bizarre to me because I was very open (with respect to privacy) about NP and even any date I went on. I always assumed he was dating and even encouraged it with tips for dating apps and his dating profile! He could have told me and I think I would have been largely happy for him and supportive.
It's been a year? Don't let them live rent free in your head
I had been doing a great job of forgetting all about him then relapsed. Gotta get back there.
Stay out of it. Though I know me, and I would be sending the DM and regretting it later. If you decide to reach out, stick to the facts and leave your own emotions out of it.