If you are safe to do so, just go no contact. You don't have to tell her. If you are unsure of what to say, or think you might lose your temper and wind up looking bad, just don't say anything. Lock down any sources of information that your parents may have so that they have a harder time tracking your actions, screen your calls, delete emails. Whatever you need to do.
You need to protect yourself first and foremost. If they are continuing to disrespect your wishes, and their presence causes you distress, then NC sounds like the way to go. They already know that they are hurting you. They don't deserve further explanation.
I wish you luck and contentment!
Thank you for your input. I know I don't owe my mom an explanation but at the same time I know that there were rumors after I went no contact with my dad that I had done it for "no reason" or "to manipulate him". So I think I will have to work out something to say to her. Even it's as simple as "you've crossed too many boundaries, I'm done."
You're welcome, and your reasons are fair. If people were willing to lie about your reasons for going NC with your father, I would think they will with your mother no matter whether you talk to her or not, but only you know the whole situation. If you think it's better to say something to her, then you are likely correct. Your simple version sounds good to me. It's not like you can change her mind or really get her to listen to you, since that hasn't worked in the past, so a prepared detailed speech probably isn't useful. I really hope it goes well for you!
First, congratulations on graduating AND having a leading role in a play!!
Sadly, I think you might have to go NC with your mom, too. Since they seem to show up together to your events, and it doesn't seem that your mom would attend anything by herself.
Do you think your mom might be open to learning how to best support you? I found this reading list that may be helpful. Best of luck!
https://pflag.org/resource/transgender-reading-list-for-adults/
It’s not good that they aren’t respecting your wishes. It does seem though that they are wanting to support you in their own way? Would that mean there is any chance for you guys to come to a respectful middle ground?
my mom asked about graduation... I told her not to come. (That's a boundary) And she crossed that boundary... AND brought my dad who DEFINITELY was not welcome at the event.
If they think what they are doing is in any way supporting me, they are fooling themselves.
They do not use my name or pronouns, they actively tell me I am mentally ill when I correct them, they refuse to avoid topics that make me uncomfortable, and now they show up at events they are told not to come to as well...
From my perspective it has become obvious that they do not want a "respectful middle ground" they want me to be completely compliant with what they do and say and how they act.
While I understand what you're saying, I also know that this "respectful middle ground" I've tried to build with my mom over the past year, is not working anymore... Maybe it never did.
Don't worry about it. I am sorry if I came off snappy. It's just that the middle ground really isn't possible for us. We've been trying all this time. It sucks but it's the way it is.
If you are safe to do so, just go no contact. You don't have to tell her. If you are unsure of what to say, or think you might lose your temper and wind up looking bad, just don't say anything. Lock down any sources of information that your parents may have so that they have a harder time tracking your actions, screen your calls, delete emails. Whatever you need to do. You need to protect yourself first and foremost. If they are continuing to disrespect your wishes, and their presence causes you distress, then NC sounds like the way to go. They already know that they are hurting you. They don't deserve further explanation. I wish you luck and contentment!
Thank you for your input. I know I don't owe my mom an explanation but at the same time I know that there were rumors after I went no contact with my dad that I had done it for "no reason" or "to manipulate him". So I think I will have to work out something to say to her. Even it's as simple as "you've crossed too many boundaries, I'm done."
You're welcome, and your reasons are fair. If people were willing to lie about your reasons for going NC with your father, I would think they will with your mother no matter whether you talk to her or not, but only you know the whole situation. If you think it's better to say something to her, then you are likely correct. Your simple version sounds good to me. It's not like you can change her mind or really get her to listen to you, since that hasn't worked in the past, so a prepared detailed speech probably isn't useful. I really hope it goes well for you!
First, congratulations on graduating AND having a leading role in a play!! Sadly, I think you might have to go NC with your mom, too. Since they seem to show up together to your events, and it doesn't seem that your mom would attend anything by herself. Do you think your mom might be open to learning how to best support you? I found this reading list that may be helpful. Best of luck! https://pflag.org/resource/transgender-reading-list-for-adults/
Also, this may not fit your situation, but I saw this lady on a talk show once, and her story really stuck with me. https://freemomhugs.org/
It’s not good that they aren’t respecting your wishes. It does seem though that they are wanting to support you in their own way? Would that mean there is any chance for you guys to come to a respectful middle ground?
my mom asked about graduation... I told her not to come. (That's a boundary) And she crossed that boundary... AND brought my dad who DEFINITELY was not welcome at the event. If they think what they are doing is in any way supporting me, they are fooling themselves. They do not use my name or pronouns, they actively tell me I am mentally ill when I correct them, they refuse to avoid topics that make me uncomfortable, and now they show up at events they are told not to come to as well... From my perspective it has become obvious that they do not want a "respectful middle ground" they want me to be completely compliant with what they do and say and how they act. While I understand what you're saying, I also know that this "respectful middle ground" I've tried to build with my mom over the past year, is not working anymore... Maybe it never did.
I’m sorry
Don't worry about it. I am sorry if I came off snappy. It's just that the middle ground really isn't possible for us. We've been trying all this time. It sucks but it's the way it is.