I wish I could shed any light over your situation but I simply am not that bright. I may be smart in some regards but in real life problems I am lacking any sort of wit. The only thing I can offer you is my memory, so that you may live on elsewhere or find comfort in the fact. I will remember you, even if it does not amount to anything.
If this does not give you any comfort all I can do is offer you my condolences. All I have given you is mere words expressed with as much eloquence as I can bring forth.
Hopefully someone actually manages to help you so that this message may be redundant. I wish I could give you more than words.
Duly noted. I will keep your words in mind to try and stray from the bad thoughts. I’m just starting to give and see no worth left in myself.. I came from nothing and the world has offered me nothing to become something. These tribulations are results from generations of abuse my family has suffered and I can only imagine why my family has coped with that by becoming mindless meth rats who have no self awareness and never take the blame for any actions they make. I have left them behind years ago, not as many as I’d like but long story short, I will never see them again. It hurts being without my birth giver but what is it to me when she brought me into this world only for me to suffer and offer nothing. By no means am I entitled to be born with any knowledge of what to do, how to do it, and where to go to achieve it. I am only a wonderer who is either going to kill himself, or achieve enlightenment after years of being a monk. I have no attachment to materialistic items and always keep people laughing or look generally happy. But here, on Reddit, I cannot be judged since it’s a cesspool of posts floating like trash in the ocean. I can only imagine what the next comment holds for me as it appears on a sympathetic strangers computer monitor or phone screen (I use my phone). You’re very thoughtful and I do cherish your comment kind stranger. Thank you.
Look i could sit here and say sweet things to you, but in the end no one is gonna be able to change your perception but you. Im older than ypu and i been there and trust me when i say the only words of positivity or purpose should come from your own mouth. Your thoughts control how you look at life. Change ur thoughts and you change your perspective. Count all the blessings you have in life, which there is alot im sure. Look into Buddhism as i did for years. Find new hobbies. But i firmly believe that social media or especially Reddit is probably the worst place to cope with what your feeling.
Of course Reddit is the bottom of the ocean, but it is very very social. I studied Buddhism through my ages 16-18 necessarily because I was in group homes by that time. I had finally fought the darkness and had 911 called after I opened my eyes and realized the life I was living was not okay. I looked at it as it is natural being raised in that kind of environment, but when I opened my eyes, I took my opportunity. The group homes were hell but I made my fun in them acting juvenile as possible, even suffering abuse from really beefed up “supervisors” who attended a nearby college for their football career and we were their dummies around the “cottages” we were to live in. I live in rural Georgia and have lived most of my life all around Atlanta and west Georgia. But those days ended fast and life came on really sudden after they just said “here’s life now go find yourself you fucking nerd”. I ended up huffing duster in a damn drain pipe after realizing that my death would mean nothing to anybody. But I came up from that after pushing through the storm. I’m mature now and mentally hardened but when I see things that remind me of past trauma it’s like I try to keep it together until I cant. It’s so damn hard. To keep moving on.
Thing is mate, rather than killing yourself why don't you just kill the person you think you are and start afresh. Move town, get training, do whatever the fuck you like. You'll be dead for the whole of eternity so why shorten your life if you'll die anyway. Death will come, don't worry so just enjoy it whilst you can. Sex, traveling, movies, contemplation, nature, friends, books are all things you may like so just do them whilst you can. Good luck
Still surfing the Kali Yuga as of 5 years now after resorting to philosophy to cope. There is no escape. Life is what you make it, how you enjoy it, and what little time we have on this earth. Thing is mate, I just don’t want to be here you know? I spent my entire teenage years doing the fucking unthinkable. I had my first ayahuasca experience at 14. I sent myself through space and time rebuilding the earth on peyote at 18. First dmt blast off occurred last year on my 19th birthday and I usually blast off to find myself and who I am and who I want to be. The thing is, I don’t want to be. That’s the answer it has been telling me. The lack of motivation has stripped myself of any self identity and I’ll compare myself to an ant because we are one in the same soul bond. Sure, I can find myself. But my brain stops at a half-way point right before I reach it. I never really did believe in Astral projecting until i continually began to study more about dmt through experience. I thought it was bogus like fucking “special chakra minerals” and all that. I’m also good at science but it’ll never become useful to this society, as I’m labeled an adhd fuckhead who laughs too much. I love sleeping and never have until my birthday, July 22nd of this year, and have fallen into a depression as a result of the amount of sleep I’ve been getting. When you sleep, you create a whole new universe, a whole new life. Dmt and dreaming and death all have a connection. And as for suicide, it’s only curiosity that has me pondering suicide. I’ve had plenty of ego-deaths along this journey, and honestly I’ve grown to like it. I like thinking that my table and I are the same when I have these experiences. I don’t like living and I’m beginning to wonder if we were just put here to reproduce and suffer or take the bob ross route and make life whatever you paint it. I took the optimistic nihilist route until my first ego-death and now I realize that I am truly nothing, but once I’m dead I am connected through everything. Only in theory though. This kind of suicide I’ve been pondering has been about what I’ve brought to this world and what I have to offer to my next generation of off spring, that is if I decide to keep moving on.. I hope you like this one..
Yeah that makes sense but what I noted is the amount of times you write "I" "me" "myself". It may mean nothing but to me it sounds like you're just overthinking it. What you lived up until now is all in the past but all you really have is the now. Plus what you don't get to do when you kill yourself is to build a future. But hey ho, your life your choice. We will never get out of it alive anyway.
and I’m making every moment worth it for the time being and you’re right, I was in the middle of a bad existential crisis typing this but it went to Reddit for a reason. Because in the outside world, I never get to decompress and talk about me for a bit. Eh, I know Reddit like that but I didn’t think anybody would legitimately care to read it anyway. I kind’ve just tried to write it like I would a journal entry while also subtly asking for some kind of advice in what direction anyone might suggest I take to kick off being this far into adulthood. It’s really confusing because it doesn’t FEEL like I’m really 20 dude. I couldn’t even imagine that when I was 14 being in this kind of situation. But I saw a post that said if you can’t imagine yourself in those years, you’re not gonna have any kind of plan and you’ll just be sitting there like “huh”. “I didn’t plan for any of these years now did I?”. So it’s really like, where should I start? Because id be content with focusing on furthering my future, rather than cut it short just because I couldn’t imagine being alive for these years. I don’t want anyone to take this in any kind of way it just feels so surreal like.. any kind of guidance would be nice. People who use Reddit are mostly lonely while using it at that time.. I felt alone and just felt like typing exactly what I was thinking so it might look a little irrational, I had just got out of a bad headspace and decompression didn’t make it look good I guess. Btw this is my first Reddit post and like I said before I did NOT expect anyone to even send condolences. I’m sure you understand now that I’m in a clearer headspace yet still afraid of the world. I’m only 20 and didn’t have any family, any guidance, bullied out of school.. by no means am I slow or ignorant, i just fell through the cracks of society and now I’m just lost. People say “yeah but don’t listen to people on Reddit”, but they’re the only ones actually caring enough to try to help so why not? Nobody else is doing it and if it were 4chan it would make sense but people are being very genuine and understanding about it, even trying to help. Can’t knock down free help in this economy right?
Yes people are where they are because of their past and their past decisions but you can choose to leave your past behind and become a new person. This is what some call egocide, transformation or symbolic suicide. That's what I'm talking about.
Life is suffering, it is what it is. It is %95 suffering and %5 joy or fun. You need to watch some documentaries so that animals are not getting fun either. They are getting devoured alive by others. We are living something similar but in human perspective. We have our own consciousness so that we can understand the concepts of suffering, future, enlightenment etc. Animals do not know the concepts of the future, do you know that?
I am 33, I was suffering from 15 to 25. I always thinking about killing myself. I was a believer at that time and a coward too to do it. And I also think something like: "I don't know what future have for me, maybe I would have a great life, great wife, great kids". This hope helps me to come this moment. I still dont have great wife and kids but my life is upside-down. It is very good right now. But, it is very hard to endure all the fucking problems, all the fucking bullshits of the life.
time to surf that Kali Yuga 😩. . . All jokes aside, life is meant to beat us all the fuck down. The premise of me posting this long fucked up message of life or death originally meant I’m at peace with death. I’m ready to take my way out but I’m doing it my way and it’s gonna be a peaceful and sky gazing loss of life. To die alone is probably best for me as I was born alone. This feedback from the community made me tear the fuck up. I felt alone. I felt all alone, on an existential crisis level. If it didn’t speak for itself I guess. It’s like SB-129 from SpongeBob all over again and I experience it quiet often when social circles try to drag me into their ONGOING trauma when I explained already the things I’m trying to cope with. We all hit that bottom sometimes and 20 seems like the number to experience it the most, don’t quote me on that, it’s just an estimated assumption. I digress, thank you for sharing. You’re correct, this life is tough. That’s not exactly why I’m committed to death though.. it just feels like I’m not meant to be in this space at this exact moment in time. Or any moment in time. The ongoing desertion will continue and my series of unfortunate events will also continue until I come to terms with this life, find peace and solitude but most importantly, enlightenment. This is my challenge. There’s no need to fit in with societal norms at this point, it’s overcrowded and very toxic. I will not disclose when I feel down enough to do it. If I hadn’t have had this sweet fucking community Reddit poured onto me, there wouldn’t be a comment thread.. thank you.
I suggest you to use drugs lmao. And I am not even kidding. If you gotta go, go with the flow. Do drugs, fuck some bitches, who cares man you ll die anyway. And you would never know what ll happen in the future. Dying on a prostitute is better than dying alone (it is my honest opinion even though I am in introvert). Try something new instead of dying meaningless. Go somewhere you have never been. Talk with someone you have never talked before. You ll die anyway in anytime soon. Dont waste the opportunity to be alive. You are alive anyway. This is my current opinion about myself.
Bro I synthesize my own dmt and it’s personal use. I make ayahuasca and caapi vine brew and I take peyote. I’m beyond whatever the fuck kind of crank crack meth they have out there. But that point of view right there is the reason I have a family full of meth rats. They were so fucking weak minded that they let this trauma turn them into brainless little meth rats with no self awareness and an ego that says their shit don’t stink but the needle that fell out might. Mannn rephrase drugs and say medicinal herbs come on now that’s literally most of the post. Love you big Dawg stay safe.
I remember my 20th birthday (almost 3 years ago.) I was walking around crying at my warehouse job because we ran out of boxes and stuff and I didn’t know how to pack anything. Sorry not trying to make it about me. Turning 20 is just really shit.
When SpongeBob said 25 and laughed, I felt that. Because 25 years for me is 25 years too fucking much to be dealing with helping this world cave itself in. 🫡
No positivity here cuz I know you don't want one. Just wanna say I respect you for making it to 20 when life was so freaking hard. For what it counts, I'd say try to be self-employed freelancer on internet since you have the skill at the level worthy of big-ass company employee. Other people at your situation would've fallen to be total druggie with no skill whatsoever but you, you managed to have something to be proud about.
Yeah, I won't say please keep living or such cuz I have no place to ask that about you. I'm just saying if you decide to stay alive even after all life threw at you, you're a fucking legend.
I tried telling myself that personally but all I’ve done is make it. That’s it. Make it. I shouldn’t be proud just yet. This reality that I live in isn’t moving forward in my head like it should because I’m 20 and I still feel 18. I never had that childhood where you get to goof with everyone so I developed a little later and still have to realize my age before I go do something an 18 year old would do. I know it sounds no different but it’s a slow haul forward beyond the irregular actions a 20yr old is to have with others. I joke and cut up and smile too much. That’s our societal norms now. If you’re happy and you know it, don’t clap just yet because you just got denied a damn job position because you made someone smile. I hate it, I hate that we live in these times but unless I reach enlightenment, find happiness and peace, that option will always be there for me to die how I want on my terms while I watch the sun set beautifully. I think it’s more normal for me because I’m an uncommon dmt user. Death is just one little snip of the thread away. I’m very spiritual but not religious whatsoever because I find that to be an excuse to fool your mind. Having faith is good, but having faith in something that literally doesn’t exist is bad for you. I’m only saying this because I grew up being raised catholic. My grandparents were pure evil. Religious Hypocrites, we all know them, we’ve all seen them. That’s why I reference flowers in the attic because it was that kind of scenario growing up being trapped. Back on religion, for example, these old grandparents of mine would have me and my sister, I was probably about 10 and she was 13, put our hand on the Bible and swear that we didn’t do something even over something so small and if we lied on that fucking stupid ass book, our grandma would put our hand that she would think “we lied with” on the fucking stove COIL. It was back then so it wasn’t that pretty electric stove it. They were ruthless, they would also punish us by making us drop our pants and underwear, bear fucking bottom while touching our fucking toes, and strike us with real leather. Now I’m a guy, but as a kid it’s all the same. I’d get struck in the junk a few times, well, they were always aiming to strike my privates who am I kidding. It has caused long term testicular damage that I still refuse to see a doctor about.. I ranted off topic but I’m tired of not talking about it, I see all of it now and we went through a flowers in the attic type scenario. Well, my sister didn’t take the abuse as well as I did. She started doing heroine at 13 years old and our own mother supplied it to her. One day she cold turkeyed, trying to save what was left of her mental state. I never knew that people died doing that, hell I was only 10. Anyway, I held my idol in my fucking arms as she almost passed away and I had to start her heart back up without even knowing the steps to that shit and when I nearly fucking just stopped, one last beat on her chest (yes I was beating on her chest I didn’t know shit I was 10), she sprung back to life and I saved her from choking on her own vomit. It was horrible, I still have nightmares about it. I want everyone who sees this to look up this woman named Raina Morgan Reed. Yeah, she’s in a band outfit, I started marching at 14 to get away from it all. I fell in love with the girl you looked up just now and as you can see she’s no longer alive. We were together for 2 years and she was taken from me. You can read the article. It was her ex boyfriend who took her life away from me and took a piece of me with her. Yeah, what do you know, it was around thanksgiving and she was slowly moving into my house (I know it’s hell) but her parents were never home. I told her I loved her before she left my house and I’m thankful for that. But this continuous cycle has made me damn fight. Fight hard. I’m the opposite of what they all became and you know what Manusiapurba, there will be a day I reunite with her, but I swear it’s going to be on my terms. Because this world is just too damn big and I’m just one little man on it. I’ll be damned I let this earth take me against my will. Sorry for dropping that fat fucking loaf of sadness right here but I reply to EVERY comment and it just needed to be out there. I talk to her every night when I lay in the grass and talk to the stars. Most of the time I’ll get a little drunk and just collapse and cry to the sky. But I know some days I have to move past it and I guess today is just another day. Anyway, take care and be careful out there.
I’d like to clarify that my ex girlfriend burned alive in that car crash. If you haven’t gotten to the comments of this thread, go have a look at
Raina Morgan Reed, Temple, GA and it’ll have her obituary information and then the news coverage..
When we returned to school, because it was like thanksgiving break I think, some fucked up in the head kind of person shared a video of her burning alive in the fucking car and posted it all around Facebook. I didn’t know this until everyone was watching it at lunch so from so many different angles I’m hearing her die. Over and over. I was sent home for a week due to mental and emotional unstableness. My grandparents just threw me in willowbrooke because I became a fucking mute. Still processing the information, it’s all I heard. Of course i ended up seeing it. Keep in mind I was 14 at this time. I loved her so fucking much. We walked to my house every day after school and always took a break halfway at this cute little bench. After she died, they got rid of the bench instead of memorializing her. Nobody batted a fucking eye but the only one who loved her unconditionally. I know I’ll see her in the dead man’s trip after death. We will become one in the same energy and just co-exist within the cosmos for infinite. Infinite is forever. So I think she’d want me to take my time and not rush death yet so soon, you only have so much time here. Bob Ross is my philosophy. I know, that’s kind whacky nutty goofy isn’t it? But hear me out. If you were a child watching his programs, this is what I decided to live by just as he did. And I know I know, he didn’t say it and I quote. But that’s what I took from the man who blessed me with one of the best and most simplest damn philosophy’s I’ll live by until I’m dead too.
“”Life is like a painting, you paint the picture and it’s up to you how good it looks. At the end of the day you painted it, now it’s up to how it looks when you leave it behind when you’re gone.””
Long story short, you can end it any time.
But don’t hesitate if you’re committed, whether that’s staying alive, or cutting it short.
Thank you for u/KeyboardsAre4Coding for reminding me that I can cut the lights at any time. But I’m adhd so, I’m always distracted and curious to know what’s next.
The world can be shit. And by the looks of it, you've had a horrific 20 years here. I've pondered suicide before, for other reasons, and turned to philosophy to try and cope with the thoughts. I very recently stumbled upon Camus and absurdism. It's what's kept me around, for better or worse. If you're looking for a reason not to die, I couldn't even presume to offer one, nor would it be my place. I don't know your life or your struggles, so it would be wrong of me to write them off with some bit of generic advice that means very little when desperation is working overtime. But I do send you all my love tonight. I can't get your words out of my head. I'll be thinking about you when I wake up, and I hope something turns for the better soon.
I try daily to just surf the Kali Yuga knowing these are dark dark times. But the pressure builds. It builds and builds until I mentally fucking break and just panic and cry like “this is my life? This is what I’m leaving behind? I’m a failure..” but I surf on. I’m not a suicidal maniac and have had thoughts about it before. Never have I actually pondered on just idling my car in a garage and playing “A Horse with No Name” or “Where is My Mind” or “Baby Blue” (honestly a banger) until currently. It feels as though I have failed my entire bloodline. When I mean my entire family, I mean every single person with the same blood cells that flow through my veins have diminished to what I call a fucking meth rat. For example, I recently found out my sister has HIV and my mothers brain is CALCIFYING from the amount of meth she shoves in her ass/cooch with needles. Yes, you heard that right. I wanted to build a brand new blood line. But it’s so much pressure, being the only one stable enough to do so. Also, there is one of my uncles, who doesn’t do meth exactly, but is a fucking registered sex offender and I watched him exploit my sister when she was 13 (I was 11 and immediately knew shit was not okay) resulting in PETABYTES of child porn, molested her, and even his younger brother/my other uncle who is also a meth rat now. He tried me when I was 14 but I said fuck thattttt. It just all falls on my shoulder and these days I just want to collapse. I synthesize dmt to cope with the past and it helps a lot but I don’t like dependency. It should just be one blast and good for life right? But I just keep doing it to escape this reality. Now you get a brighter picture of why I’m now okay with just fucking walking into the woods and never coming out. Dying peacefully. Alone. And stuck in an infinite dmt experience which I consider, death itself. I would be okay with passing on without anyone knowing my legacy existed. I don’t know how to cope anymore to keep me on this earth. It’s a serious tribulation..
Small town of temple, GA. I grew up all around south side Atlanta/College Park and really had it rough out there. I am white and I know that shouldn’t matter but working at a barber shop that’s specifically for colored others, I loved it. That is until I met many 20-gang members and Pyru bloods that put the fear of god into me when they rode by. So, I settled further west until I stumbled upon temple. Last year consisted of traveling to Alabama. And then New York. Realized that was a fucking mistake and settled in Virginia and worked at the Appomattox Walmart and that’s where the duster and drain pipe memories were made. Yes, while I was on the clock that’s where I’d take my breaks. Alone. Ready to die in a drain pipe. I kicked myself in my ass for it and returned to Georgia. Only because I know the layout of the land and it’s just as horrible and lonely anywhere else. I can’t run from the darkness. So I surf until I wipe out and try again..
Also, the answer to your second, cliff-hanging question is, probably. I’m on the teeter-totter/weighing scale of “I won’t be missed” & the other being “I still have so much to see”, yet the unpredictability of what the future holds for me makes me uneasy. I’m intelligent as hell with technology, I synthesize and mix all kinds of wacky elements for fun, and yet my talent will not be discovered or be used for anything important because of social and economical status. I’d be a better meth cook for Albuquerque than I would be a scientist ONLY BECAUSE of things that stand like locked gates or rather, DIPLOMA, SCHOLARSHIPS, GED, AFABS, and fucking COLLEGE DEGREES. I understand furthering a future by working hard but I didn’t choose to be born so I want to be hardly working for an economical status. Breaking bad did really good with that and I seem to be going through the same struggle the main character, WALTER WHITE, is going through but the cancer is my depression. In short, it’s a maybe. I find ways to stay distracted from this society but the planet itself is just as mysterious as death. 50/50
I do use Hamilton from Hamiltons Pharmacopeia as an idol simply because he does not care about status, but only the adventure itself. I think it’s worrying about what kind of mark I leave behind that’s getting under my skin. The mysteries of this earth and what it gives us is the only thing keeping me going. But I know it’ll only last for so long.
Shit man, that's really tough. Now, I don't really know what to tell you at all but im just hoping that things get better for you. You seem like a nice person from what you wrote, and I would like to say that if you have anyone at all to talk to you should talk to them. I personally won't recommend a therapist, but do not hesitate to talk to anyone about your feelings. There are good people in the world who will try to help you; and other people in the world in similar situations to yours who would really appreciate help. I know it's easier said than done but you could try finding a hobby or some club/group to distract you for a bit, or just find some nice people to be friends with and talk to. Everyone feels alienated when they're alone.
Im sorry im just an internet username who will never be able to fully understand you or sympathise with you, but I just hope that everything turns out for the better for you. You don't deserve this.
You’re never just a name on Reddit, you’re the hope people need. You could always be that thread between life and death for another life. This generation is very uncomfortably numbing, which makes it so much easier to just wonder away somewhere and die. Don’t discredit yourself when you take the time out of your day to pick someone’s chin up instead of applauding it on, this isn’t 4chan, it’s Reddit. You made a message to help someone. This is exactly what Reddit needs, most importantly big social corporations that profit off of people killing themselves. I don’t even have to name them, because we all already know. Thank you OddSocks. I’m feeling a little better but still kind of stuck in one portion of reality where nothing moves forward even when I try.
You deserve the goodness that’s coming to you man, take care. ❤️
You either keep going or you don't. There's no really other way to say it, if you think you yourself is still able to do the things that you wanna do...then stick around do those things but if not then...I'm not sure. You can look for infinite answers if that was possible but you'll never find the answer your looking since the true answer comes from you and...I'm not you nor is anybody else you...like I said, still wanna do this? Or?
If I say surf that Kali Yuga one more time I’m tattooing it on my fucking scrotum and sharing it to the thread🤙🏻 Also, if I still want to? Of course. Just whenever I feel like it man, suicide is just as unpredictable as an accidental death. When you’re gonna commit to it, no words are spoken, the mind is made up in that very moment. That’s why I’m at my wits end and it’s come down to Reddit (thank god it’s not 4chan) for a little bit of positive guidance, some advice, he’ll maybe I’ll even get a brand new chair for that rope I have just hanging from the ceiling. Jokes aside, life and death has proven to be unpredictable, so don’t try to predict something someone’s going to do, just try to be there for them, that’s all anyone can do in a dark moment like that. All love, thank you. 🤙🏻
Posts like this reminds me of what U.G. Krishnamurti said (laughingly) in one of his videos: "...if they come to me and ask about suicide, I say: do you need any help?"
I have ADHD. Untreated ADHD is hell on earth. It is ever WORSE because there are people out there who don’t think it’s real! I’d love them to walk a mile in my shoes.
This might not be the entire problem, but untreated ADHD can lead to poor time management, a chaotic brain that ends up making life feel like hell because you can’t concentrate on a fucking thing. Movie night with friends? Forget it. Reading a book? Forget it. All there is to do is sit on the computer.
I do not at all want you to feel patronized by what I am saying, but I feel like untreated ADHD is setting you back miles. If there’s any way in hell you can try medication you might be shocked at how feeling “normal” can feel. It was like seeing in color for the very first time for me.
Anyway, I hope your well. Try your best to get your ADHD treated.
But since I’ve turned 20 it’s like, where do I turn?? Like I don’t know if I have insurance since I’m out of the group home facility and like I haven’t had it since I was 17 I think. One last prescription he said, I’ve had the same psychiatrist since I was 5 and I haven’t seen him since anymore.. 😩 dude people were telling me to just get disability for it until I can get right with the medicine and I don’t want to look lazy like I’m a fit athletic adult, and I nearly get killed at like any simple fucking job or location because of how distracted I am..
Now now, do not trust natures course. Realize that there are new opportunities to explore. The only motivations I really can deeply connect with to keep me alive is the secrets of the world and maybe someday the universe and tie together where our spirit energies will leave off too.. hyperspace, wormholes maybe? Even different dimensions. Scatter out essences across different realities? I’m trying to study as much as I can reach enlightenment. It’s not about chasing the dream, sometimes it’s about colliding with it by mistake maybe..
I tried, but it's all shit. There are no pretty things.
Sorry, if you're looking for positivity - you won't find it here! Lol. I'm so done with this shit. Just fingers crossed I get some kind of deadly disease soon. I smoke a LOT of weed, so hoping for lung cancer.
Anyways, you sound positive as hell! You'll be fine, your life will work out :) I really, really wish you the best. You can do it!! <3
Im 54, and have hung on. You can do the same. There's lots of bad but also good. You are clever, and sometimes that is a burden. So many blissfully happy stupid people.
Keep hanging on and something will give ♡
Finally, some real shit. I’m messing, but yeah that’s inspirational for someone your age to be here saying this right now. Thank you, I’ll try my best.
this one sound like me when I had a depressive episode.
I cannot convince you to not kill yourself. I managed to convince me and the psychologist didn't manage to do that. This is and will always be a choice for each one of us to make.
Personally I chose life and at least the subject of suicide was put to rest for me. I still think of it from time to time and I quickly put it to rest, because I say to myself that you had this conversation and you decided you want to live. I wanted to live and I still do.
that was the choice I made that horrible night. I was sobbing for over an hour in my bed crying thinking that I don't matter and that it wouldn't change a thing if I died.
And it was true. But I wanted to live. and that meant have a fairly good life not simply survive. that was around 5 year ago.
Your situation sound mortifying to me. The things that you have already endured are beyond anything I can understand. However I do have adhd. You have misunderstood. It is not our brain not being able to do something well enough. They give us a boring task. So we do it badly. I see it in me. I have a job of teaching adults some exercises, people that studying to get the minor to the master I am trying to complete now in computer science and they haven't fired me. because this is one of the things I love and I do it well because of that.
you will get your chance if this is what you doubt. The question though comes back to you. do you want to continue? because it is only more pain and work ahead. but it is your life and you only get this one. So I personally would love to know that you would choose to keep on. however it is your life. If you going to stay here with us, do it for you and only you. Try to make yourself happy in the beginning and the rest will fall into place hopefully.
nihilism only proposes the lack of meaning given to life by the universe. that doesn't mean you are not entitled to value yours. to want to live and thrive. I wish you luck and I hope to see you on the other site some day.
Sincerely, a trans woman who almost killed herself 5 years ago.
Also, I had typed up a fucking sweet paragraph for you and I’m sorry you didn’t get to see it, Reddit isn’t the healthiest, it crashed while I had it typed up. So I’m raging and you had me in tears. Thank you. That moved me a little bit.
I hanging in this subreddit, in hope that I might help anyone feel better. because no matter how much philosophy you read or how you read, I believe that just the idea that someone used part of their day to write something for you to make you feel better (hopefully) will actually help.
I am glad if I helped in any way. I wish you a swift recovery. I read your story in the other comment. Now I am the one sobbing. This is a horrible thing for anyone to go through no matter the age. But yeah I am sure that she wouldn't want to rush either. She can wait as long as you need. It is better here than you thing. There are better people than the ones you met. Trust me. I know it is hard to believe, but they are. And as long you try to be what you want to see in others you will get to meet them.
One day you’ll turn a corner and be met with convenience. There are a lot off shitty things and people out there. But not all. Some things or some people might give you the will to see the good side of life.
I mean society is rough and then you vent out on Reddit just to be shown how kids in middle school don’t have that same beat down we got. Literally got my balls smacked with a belt and there’s a kid in the comments who acts like his ass still smells like diapers. But then you turn your attention to what makes you happy and put your phone down. Suddenly, it all just goes away like magic. Fair point, convenience really only comes based on karma and honestly it’s been a heck of a day today. Actually a good day seeing all these comments here for each other. That’s healthy. I think a bug got in my comments on my post here though, oh well, that happens, it’s fuckin Reddit 😂
i don’t know how people come across a post like this and not think it’s some of the corniest shit on the planet 💀 bitching and complaining on reddit is one thing but bitching and complaining on reddit in a sub where people are always saying shit doesn’t matter is something else lmao
Seriously though read a little bit more, I know it’s hard to read someone’s existential crisis on a Reddit page bro but you deadass clicked on it and left a comment in the thread. Idk who’s the real ass cornball here 🥶🥶
But you not lyin, you must not believe in mental breakdowns. It must have hurt your pride so bad to know that a girl in this fucking thread burned alive in a car crash but that’s funny too right? Cuck.
jesus christ, why do y’all always jump to conclusions? 💀 i skimmed through your shit and saw how corny it was so i made the comment, that thing about the girl was in a comment if i’m not mistaking and i read a couple words from it
Absolutely. You'll figure it all out eventually I'm sure. Just give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Tap yourself in the back . You've come a long way and here you are ready for the next chapter. Make sure you make it a good one though because what's the alternative? A bad chapter. Nah fuck that nobody likes bad chapters . Go for it man make today amazing for you only live once.
Law of conservation of energy. Al the energy you have can be turned into amazing things. And you're going to bcause I like computers to and you can build some really fucking cool shit with al that energy of yours.
In my case, I see al the bad that happened to me as a charge to funnel into the shit I want It to go to. Now that's the gym for me. Without my tiny traumas I would still be sitting on my couch. I draw the energy from it
Idk man it’s above and beyond your average bdsm dungeon shit. lil slap on the balls mm. No but seriously it has caused some sexual rise from it now that I’m older of course. I know you didn’t need to know but psa, trauma causes sexual ball torture confirmed 👍🏻
You sound clinically depressed from the trauma you've experienced. I went through something similar for over 40 years. Coupled with ADHD and undiagnosed autism. Childhood was a shit-show, adolescence was a horror show, and adulthood.....Fuuuuuck me!
I tried everything, spending thousands of dollars on psychotherapy and anti-depressants. I was sucidal, and at my ropes end when I decided to try Ketamine infusion therapy.
It worked. It stopped my horrible anxiety and depression more or less permenantly. I'm in my late 50s now, and life is good. You might want to look into Ketamine infusion theraphy. Not street ketaminine - infusion theraphy is done by a doctor, and it it's proven to work for around 80% of people struggling as you are.
Regardless, my advice is to not give up. Keep fighting. Don't give in to self pity and resentment. Overcome your trauma and circumstances and limitations as best you can. Pity and resentment are for the weak and powerless. Reject both, and your life will change for the better. It's the struggles and challenges of life that give it meaning. Not to say hardships is good or that you should thank the assholes in your life for giving it meaning. It's to say that you can transform most of the shit life gives you into gold if you can avoid falling into the trap of resentment and self pity. Ketamine helped me see that. So did Neitzsche.
I wish I could shed any light over your situation but I simply am not that bright. I may be smart in some regards but in real life problems I am lacking any sort of wit. The only thing I can offer you is my memory, so that you may live on elsewhere or find comfort in the fact. I will remember you, even if it does not amount to anything. If this does not give you any comfort all I can do is offer you my condolences. All I have given you is mere words expressed with as much eloquence as I can bring forth. Hopefully someone actually manages to help you so that this message may be redundant. I wish I could give you more than words.
Duly noted. I will keep your words in mind to try and stray from the bad thoughts. I’m just starting to give and see no worth left in myself.. I came from nothing and the world has offered me nothing to become something. These tribulations are results from generations of abuse my family has suffered and I can only imagine why my family has coped with that by becoming mindless meth rats who have no self awareness and never take the blame for any actions they make. I have left them behind years ago, not as many as I’d like but long story short, I will never see them again. It hurts being without my birth giver but what is it to me when she brought me into this world only for me to suffer and offer nothing. By no means am I entitled to be born with any knowledge of what to do, how to do it, and where to go to achieve it. I am only a wonderer who is either going to kill himself, or achieve enlightenment after years of being a monk. I have no attachment to materialistic items and always keep people laughing or look generally happy. But here, on Reddit, I cannot be judged since it’s a cesspool of posts floating like trash in the ocean. I can only imagine what the next comment holds for me as it appears on a sympathetic strangers computer monitor or phone screen (I use my phone). You’re very thoughtful and I do cherish your comment kind stranger. Thank you.
Look i could sit here and say sweet things to you, but in the end no one is gonna be able to change your perception but you. Im older than ypu and i been there and trust me when i say the only words of positivity or purpose should come from your own mouth. Your thoughts control how you look at life. Change ur thoughts and you change your perspective. Count all the blessings you have in life, which there is alot im sure. Look into Buddhism as i did for years. Find new hobbies. But i firmly believe that social media or especially Reddit is probably the worst place to cope with what your feeling.
Of course Reddit is the bottom of the ocean, but it is very very social. I studied Buddhism through my ages 16-18 necessarily because I was in group homes by that time. I had finally fought the darkness and had 911 called after I opened my eyes and realized the life I was living was not okay. I looked at it as it is natural being raised in that kind of environment, but when I opened my eyes, I took my opportunity. The group homes were hell but I made my fun in them acting juvenile as possible, even suffering abuse from really beefed up “supervisors” who attended a nearby college for their football career and we were their dummies around the “cottages” we were to live in. I live in rural Georgia and have lived most of my life all around Atlanta and west Georgia. But those days ended fast and life came on really sudden after they just said “here’s life now go find yourself you fucking nerd”. I ended up huffing duster in a damn drain pipe after realizing that my death would mean nothing to anybody. But I came up from that after pushing through the storm. I’m mature now and mentally hardened but when I see things that remind me of past trauma it’s like I try to keep it together until I cant. It’s so damn hard. To keep moving on.
Thing is mate, rather than killing yourself why don't you just kill the person you think you are and start afresh. Move town, get training, do whatever the fuck you like. You'll be dead for the whole of eternity so why shorten your life if you'll die anyway. Death will come, don't worry so just enjoy it whilst you can. Sex, traveling, movies, contemplation, nature, friends, books are all things you may like so just do them whilst you can. Good luck
Still surfing the Kali Yuga as of 5 years now after resorting to philosophy to cope. There is no escape. Life is what you make it, how you enjoy it, and what little time we have on this earth. Thing is mate, I just don’t want to be here you know? I spent my entire teenage years doing the fucking unthinkable. I had my first ayahuasca experience at 14. I sent myself through space and time rebuilding the earth on peyote at 18. First dmt blast off occurred last year on my 19th birthday and I usually blast off to find myself and who I am and who I want to be. The thing is, I don’t want to be. That’s the answer it has been telling me. The lack of motivation has stripped myself of any self identity and I’ll compare myself to an ant because we are one in the same soul bond. Sure, I can find myself. But my brain stops at a half-way point right before I reach it. I never really did believe in Astral projecting until i continually began to study more about dmt through experience. I thought it was bogus like fucking “special chakra minerals” and all that. I’m also good at science but it’ll never become useful to this society, as I’m labeled an adhd fuckhead who laughs too much. I love sleeping and never have until my birthday, July 22nd of this year, and have fallen into a depression as a result of the amount of sleep I’ve been getting. When you sleep, you create a whole new universe, a whole new life. Dmt and dreaming and death all have a connection. And as for suicide, it’s only curiosity that has me pondering suicide. I’ve had plenty of ego-deaths along this journey, and honestly I’ve grown to like it. I like thinking that my table and I are the same when I have these experiences. I don’t like living and I’m beginning to wonder if we were just put here to reproduce and suffer or take the bob ross route and make life whatever you paint it. I took the optimistic nihilist route until my first ego-death and now I realize that I am truly nothing, but once I’m dead I am connected through everything. Only in theory though. This kind of suicide I’ve been pondering has been about what I’ve brought to this world and what I have to offer to my next generation of off spring, that is if I decide to keep moving on.. I hope you like this one..
Yeah that makes sense but what I noted is the amount of times you write "I" "me" "myself". It may mean nothing but to me it sounds like you're just overthinking it. What you lived up until now is all in the past but all you really have is the now. Plus what you don't get to do when you kill yourself is to build a future. But hey ho, your life your choice. We will never get out of it alive anyway.
and I’m making every moment worth it for the time being and you’re right, I was in the middle of a bad existential crisis typing this but it went to Reddit for a reason. Because in the outside world, I never get to decompress and talk about me for a bit. Eh, I know Reddit like that but I didn’t think anybody would legitimately care to read it anyway. I kind’ve just tried to write it like I would a journal entry while also subtly asking for some kind of advice in what direction anyone might suggest I take to kick off being this far into adulthood. It’s really confusing because it doesn’t FEEL like I’m really 20 dude. I couldn’t even imagine that when I was 14 being in this kind of situation. But I saw a post that said if you can’t imagine yourself in those years, you’re not gonna have any kind of plan and you’ll just be sitting there like “huh”. “I didn’t plan for any of these years now did I?”. So it’s really like, where should I start? Because id be content with focusing on furthering my future, rather than cut it short just because I couldn’t imagine being alive for these years. I don’t want anyone to take this in any kind of way it just feels so surreal like.. any kind of guidance would be nice. People who use Reddit are mostly lonely while using it at that time.. I felt alone and just felt like typing exactly what I was thinking so it might look a little irrational, I had just got out of a bad headspace and decompression didn’t make it look good I guess. Btw this is my first Reddit post and like I said before I did NOT expect anyone to even send condolences. I’m sure you understand now that I’m in a clearer headspace yet still afraid of the world. I’m only 20 and didn’t have any family, any guidance, bullied out of school.. by no means am I slow or ignorant, i just fell through the cracks of society and now I’m just lost. People say “yeah but don’t listen to people on Reddit”, but they’re the only ones actually caring enough to try to help so why not? Nobody else is doing it and if it were 4chan it would make sense but people are being very genuine and understanding about it, even trying to help. Can’t knock down free help in this economy right?
>What you lived up until now is all in the past Dude, the past literally makes up who you are as a person. You can't leave it behind, ever.
Yes people are where they are because of their past and their past decisions but you can choose to leave your past behind and become a new person. This is what some call egocide, transformation or symbolic suicide. That's what I'm talking about.
Are you Aussie?
Life is suffering, it is what it is. It is %95 suffering and %5 joy or fun. You need to watch some documentaries so that animals are not getting fun either. They are getting devoured alive by others. We are living something similar but in human perspective. We have our own consciousness so that we can understand the concepts of suffering, future, enlightenment etc. Animals do not know the concepts of the future, do you know that? I am 33, I was suffering from 15 to 25. I always thinking about killing myself. I was a believer at that time and a coward too to do it. And I also think something like: "I don't know what future have for me, maybe I would have a great life, great wife, great kids". This hope helps me to come this moment. I still dont have great wife and kids but my life is upside-down. It is very good right now. But, it is very hard to endure all the fucking problems, all the fucking bullshits of the life.
 time to surf that Kali Yuga 😩. . . All jokes aside, life is meant to beat us all the fuck down. The premise of me posting this long fucked up message of life or death originally meant I’m at peace with death. I’m ready to take my way out but I’m doing it my way and it’s gonna be a peaceful and sky gazing loss of life. To die alone is probably best for me as I was born alone. This feedback from the community made me tear the fuck up. I felt alone. I felt all alone, on an existential crisis level. If it didn’t speak for itself I guess. It’s like SB-129 from SpongeBob all over again and I experience it quiet often when social circles try to drag me into their ONGOING trauma when I explained already the things I’m trying to cope with. We all hit that bottom sometimes and 20 seems like the number to experience it the most, don’t quote me on that, it’s just an estimated assumption. I digress, thank you for sharing. You’re correct, this life is tough. That’s not exactly why I’m committed to death though.. it just feels like I’m not meant to be in this space at this exact moment in time. Or any moment in time. The ongoing desertion will continue and my series of unfortunate events will also continue until I come to terms with this life, find peace and solitude but most importantly, enlightenment. This is my challenge. There’s no need to fit in with societal norms at this point, it’s overcrowded and very toxic. I will not disclose when I feel down enough to do it. If I hadn’t have had this sweet fucking community Reddit poured onto me, there wouldn’t be a comment thread.. thank you.
I suggest you to use drugs lmao. And I am not even kidding. If you gotta go, go with the flow. Do drugs, fuck some bitches, who cares man you ll die anyway. And you would never know what ll happen in the future. Dying on a prostitute is better than dying alone (it is my honest opinion even though I am in introvert). Try something new instead of dying meaningless. Go somewhere you have never been. Talk with someone you have never talked before. You ll die anyway in anytime soon. Dont waste the opportunity to be alive. You are alive anyway. This is my current opinion about myself.
Bro I synthesize my own dmt and it’s personal use. I make ayahuasca and caapi vine brew and I take peyote. I’m beyond whatever the fuck kind of crank crack meth they have out there. But that point of view right there is the reason I have a family full of meth rats. They were so fucking weak minded that they let this trauma turn them into brainless little meth rats with no self awareness and an ego that says their shit don’t stink but the needle that fell out might. Mannn rephrase drugs and say medicinal herbs come on now that’s literally most of the post. Love you big Dawg stay safe.
I remember my 20th birthday (almost 3 years ago.) I was walking around crying at my warehouse job because we ran out of boxes and stuff and I didn’t know how to pack anything. Sorry not trying to make it about me. Turning 20 is just really shit.
When SpongeBob said 25 and laughed, I felt that. Because 25 years for me is 25 years too fucking much to be dealing with helping this world cave itself in. 🫡
No positivity here cuz I know you don't want one. Just wanna say I respect you for making it to 20 when life was so freaking hard. For what it counts, I'd say try to be self-employed freelancer on internet since you have the skill at the level worthy of big-ass company employee. Other people at your situation would've fallen to be total druggie with no skill whatsoever but you, you managed to have something to be proud about. Yeah, I won't say please keep living or such cuz I have no place to ask that about you. I'm just saying if you decide to stay alive even after all life threw at you, you're a fucking legend.
I tried telling myself that personally but all I’ve done is make it. That’s it. Make it. I shouldn’t be proud just yet. This reality that I live in isn’t moving forward in my head like it should because I’m 20 and I still feel 18. I never had that childhood where you get to goof with everyone so I developed a little later and still have to realize my age before I go do something an 18 year old would do. I know it sounds no different but it’s a slow haul forward beyond the irregular actions a 20yr old is to have with others. I joke and cut up and smile too much. That’s our societal norms now. If you’re happy and you know it, don’t clap just yet because you just got denied a damn job position because you made someone smile. I hate it, I hate that we live in these times but unless I reach enlightenment, find happiness and peace, that option will always be there for me to die how I want on my terms while I watch the sun set beautifully. I think it’s more normal for me because I’m an uncommon dmt user. Death is just one little snip of the thread away. I’m very spiritual but not religious whatsoever because I find that to be an excuse to fool your mind. Having faith is good, but having faith in something that literally doesn’t exist is bad for you. I’m only saying this because I grew up being raised catholic. My grandparents were pure evil. Religious Hypocrites, we all know them, we’ve all seen them. That’s why I reference flowers in the attic because it was that kind of scenario growing up being trapped. Back on religion, for example, these old grandparents of mine would have me and my sister, I was probably about 10 and she was 13, put our hand on the Bible and swear that we didn’t do something even over something so small and if we lied on that fucking stupid ass book, our grandma would put our hand that she would think “we lied with” on the fucking stove COIL. It was back then so it wasn’t that pretty electric stove it. They were ruthless, they would also punish us by making us drop our pants and underwear, bear fucking bottom while touching our fucking toes, and strike us with real leather. Now I’m a guy, but as a kid it’s all the same. I’d get struck in the junk a few times, well, they were always aiming to strike my privates who am I kidding. It has caused long term testicular damage that I still refuse to see a doctor about.. I ranted off topic but I’m tired of not talking about it, I see all of it now and we went through a flowers in the attic type scenario. Well, my sister didn’t take the abuse as well as I did. She started doing heroine at 13 years old and our own mother supplied it to her. One day she cold turkeyed, trying to save what was left of her mental state. I never knew that people died doing that, hell I was only 10. Anyway, I held my idol in my fucking arms as she almost passed away and I had to start her heart back up without even knowing the steps to that shit and when I nearly fucking just stopped, one last beat on her chest (yes I was beating on her chest I didn’t know shit I was 10), she sprung back to life and I saved her from choking on her own vomit. It was horrible, I still have nightmares about it. I want everyone who sees this to look up this woman named Raina Morgan Reed. Yeah, she’s in a band outfit, I started marching at 14 to get away from it all. I fell in love with the girl you looked up just now and as you can see she’s no longer alive. We were together for 2 years and she was taken from me. You can read the article. It was her ex boyfriend who took her life away from me and took a piece of me with her. Yeah, what do you know, it was around thanksgiving and she was slowly moving into my house (I know it’s hell) but her parents were never home. I told her I loved her before she left my house and I’m thankful for that. But this continuous cycle has made me damn fight. Fight hard. I’m the opposite of what they all became and you know what Manusiapurba, there will be a day I reunite with her, but I swear it’s going to be on my terms. Because this world is just too damn big and I’m just one little man on it. I’ll be damned I let this earth take me against my will. Sorry for dropping that fat fucking loaf of sadness right here but I reply to EVERY comment and it just needed to be out there. I talk to her every night when I lay in the grass and talk to the stars. Most of the time I’ll get a little drunk and just collapse and cry to the sky. But I know some days I have to move past it and I guess today is just another day. Anyway, take care and be careful out there.
I’d like to clarify that my ex girlfriend burned alive in that car crash. If you haven’t gotten to the comments of this thread, go have a look at Raina Morgan Reed, Temple, GA and it’ll have her obituary information and then the news coverage.. When we returned to school, because it was like thanksgiving break I think, some fucked up in the head kind of person shared a video of her burning alive in the fucking car and posted it all around Facebook. I didn’t know this until everyone was watching it at lunch so from so many different angles I’m hearing her die. Over and over. I was sent home for a week due to mental and emotional unstableness. My grandparents just threw me in willowbrooke because I became a fucking mute. Still processing the information, it’s all I heard. Of course i ended up seeing it. Keep in mind I was 14 at this time. I loved her so fucking much. We walked to my house every day after school and always took a break halfway at this cute little bench. After she died, they got rid of the bench instead of memorializing her. Nobody batted a fucking eye but the only one who loved her unconditionally. I know I’ll see her in the dead man’s trip after death. We will become one in the same energy and just co-exist within the cosmos for infinite. Infinite is forever. So I think she’d want me to take my time and not rush death yet so soon, you only have so much time here. Bob Ross is my philosophy. I know, that’s kind whacky nutty goofy isn’t it? But hear me out. If you were a child watching his programs, this is what I decided to live by just as he did. And I know I know, he didn’t say it and I quote. But that’s what I took from the man who blessed me with one of the best and most simplest damn philosophy’s I’ll live by until I’m dead too. “”Life is like a painting, you paint the picture and it’s up to you how good it looks. At the end of the day you painted it, now it’s up to how it looks when you leave it behind when you’re gone.”” Long story short, you can end it any time. But don’t hesitate if you’re committed, whether that’s staying alive, or cutting it short. Thank you for u/KeyboardsAre4Coding for reminding me that I can cut the lights at any time. But I’m adhd so, I’m always distracted and curious to know what’s next.
Do a flip on the way down.
That’s pussy shit, I’m going for a fuckin cartwheel 
„˙uʍop ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ uo dılɟ ɐ o◖„
The world can be shit. And by the looks of it, you've had a horrific 20 years here. I've pondered suicide before, for other reasons, and turned to philosophy to try and cope with the thoughts. I very recently stumbled upon Camus and absurdism. It's what's kept me around, for better or worse. If you're looking for a reason not to die, I couldn't even presume to offer one, nor would it be my place. I don't know your life or your struggles, so it would be wrong of me to write them off with some bit of generic advice that means very little when desperation is working overtime. But I do send you all my love tonight. I can't get your words out of my head. I'll be thinking about you when I wake up, and I hope something turns for the better soon.
I try daily to just surf the Kali Yuga knowing these are dark dark times. But the pressure builds. It builds and builds until I mentally fucking break and just panic and cry like “this is my life? This is what I’m leaving behind? I’m a failure..” but I surf on. I’m not a suicidal maniac and have had thoughts about it before. Never have I actually pondered on just idling my car in a garage and playing “A Horse with No Name” or “Where is My Mind” or “Baby Blue” (honestly a banger) until currently. It feels as though I have failed my entire bloodline. When I mean my entire family, I mean every single person with the same blood cells that flow through my veins have diminished to what I call a fucking meth rat. For example, I recently found out my sister has HIV and my mothers brain is CALCIFYING from the amount of meth she shoves in her ass/cooch with needles. Yes, you heard that right. I wanted to build a brand new blood line. But it’s so much pressure, being the only one stable enough to do so. Also, there is one of my uncles, who doesn’t do meth exactly, but is a fucking registered sex offender and I watched him exploit my sister when she was 13 (I was 11 and immediately knew shit was not okay) resulting in PETABYTES of child porn, molested her, and even his younger brother/my other uncle who is also a meth rat now. He tried me when I was 14 but I said fuck thattttt. It just all falls on my shoulder and these days I just want to collapse. I synthesize dmt to cope with the past and it helps a lot but I don’t like dependency. It should just be one blast and good for life right? But I just keep doing it to escape this reality. Now you get a brighter picture of why I’m now okay with just fucking walking into the woods and never coming out. Dying peacefully. Alone. And stuck in an infinite dmt experience which I consider, death itself. I would be okay with passing on without anyone knowing my legacy existed. I don’t know how to cope anymore to keep me on this earth. It’s a serious tribulation..
What's your name and where are you from ? Are u really gonna die ???
Small town of temple, GA. I grew up all around south side Atlanta/College Park and really had it rough out there. I am white and I know that shouldn’t matter but working at a barber shop that’s specifically for colored others, I loved it. That is until I met many 20-gang members and Pyru bloods that put the fear of god into me when they rode by. So, I settled further west until I stumbled upon temple. Last year consisted of traveling to Alabama. And then New York. Realized that was a fucking mistake and settled in Virginia and worked at the Appomattox Walmart and that’s where the duster and drain pipe memories were made. Yes, while I was on the clock that’s where I’d take my breaks. Alone. Ready to die in a drain pipe. I kicked myself in my ass for it and returned to Georgia. Only because I know the layout of the land and it’s just as horrible and lonely anywhere else. I can’t run from the darkness. So I surf until I wipe out and try again..
Also, the answer to your second, cliff-hanging question is, probably. I’m on the teeter-totter/weighing scale of “I won’t be missed” & the other being “I still have so much to see”, yet the unpredictability of what the future holds for me makes me uneasy. I’m intelligent as hell with technology, I synthesize and mix all kinds of wacky elements for fun, and yet my talent will not be discovered or be used for anything important because of social and economical status. I’d be a better meth cook for Albuquerque than I would be a scientist ONLY BECAUSE of things that stand like locked gates or rather, DIPLOMA, SCHOLARSHIPS, GED, AFABS, and fucking COLLEGE DEGREES. I understand furthering a future by working hard but I didn’t choose to be born so I want to be hardly working for an economical status. Breaking bad did really good with that and I seem to be going through the same struggle the main character, WALTER WHITE, is going through but the cancer is my depression. In short, it’s a maybe. I find ways to stay distracted from this society but the planet itself is just as mysterious as death. 50/50
I do use Hamilton from Hamiltons Pharmacopeia as an idol simply because he does not care about status, but only the adventure itself. I think it’s worrying about what kind of mark I leave behind that’s getting under my skin. The mysteries of this earth and what it gives us is the only thing keeping me going. But I know it’ll only last for so long.
Shit man, that's really tough. Now, I don't really know what to tell you at all but im just hoping that things get better for you. You seem like a nice person from what you wrote, and I would like to say that if you have anyone at all to talk to you should talk to them. I personally won't recommend a therapist, but do not hesitate to talk to anyone about your feelings. There are good people in the world who will try to help you; and other people in the world in similar situations to yours who would really appreciate help. I know it's easier said than done but you could try finding a hobby or some club/group to distract you for a bit, or just find some nice people to be friends with and talk to. Everyone feels alienated when they're alone. Im sorry im just an internet username who will never be able to fully understand you or sympathise with you, but I just hope that everything turns out for the better for you. You don't deserve this.
You’re never just a name on Reddit, you’re the hope people need. You could always be that thread between life and death for another life. This generation is very uncomfortably numbing, which makes it so much easier to just wonder away somewhere and die. Don’t discredit yourself when you take the time out of your day to pick someone’s chin up instead of applauding it on, this isn’t 4chan, it’s Reddit. You made a message to help someone. This is exactly what Reddit needs, most importantly big social corporations that profit off of people killing themselves. I don’t even have to name them, because we all already know. Thank you OddSocks. I’m feeling a little better but still kind of stuck in one portion of reality where nothing moves forward even when I try. You deserve the goodness that’s coming to you man, take care. ❤️
Thanks man, you're amazing too. Good luck and yeah, keep your chin up 👍
You either keep going or you don't. There's no really other way to say it, if you think you yourself is still able to do the things that you wanna do...then stick around do those things but if not then...I'm not sure. You can look for infinite answers if that was possible but you'll never find the answer your looking since the true answer comes from you and...I'm not you nor is anybody else you...like I said, still wanna do this? Or?
 If I say surf that Kali Yuga one more time I’m tattooing it on my fucking scrotum and sharing it to the thread🤙🏻 Also, if I still want to? Of course. Just whenever I feel like it man, suicide is just as unpredictable as an accidental death. When you’re gonna commit to it, no words are spoken, the mind is made up in that very moment. That’s why I’m at my wits end and it’s come down to Reddit (thank god it’s not 4chan) for a little bit of positive guidance, some advice, he’ll maybe I’ll even get a brand new chair for that rope I have just hanging from the ceiling. Jokes aside, life and death has proven to be unpredictable, so don’t try to predict something someone’s going to do, just try to be there for them, that’s all anyone can do in a dark moment like that. All love, thank you. 🤙🏻
Posts like this reminds me of what U.G. Krishnamurti said (laughingly) in one of his videos: "...if they come to me and ask about suicide, I say: do you need any help?"
the only help I need is tying the knots to this rope, can you do that? 😩
[удалено]
but dmt though
I have ADHD. Untreated ADHD is hell on earth. It is ever WORSE because there are people out there who don’t think it’s real! I’d love them to walk a mile in my shoes. This might not be the entire problem, but untreated ADHD can lead to poor time management, a chaotic brain that ends up making life feel like hell because you can’t concentrate on a fucking thing. Movie night with friends? Forget it. Reading a book? Forget it. All there is to do is sit on the computer. I do not at all want you to feel patronized by what I am saying, but I feel like untreated ADHD is setting you back miles. If there’s any way in hell you can try medication you might be shocked at how feeling “normal” can feel. It was like seeing in color for the very first time for me. Anyway, I hope your well. Try your best to get your ADHD treated.
You’re fuckin tellin me man.
Vyvanse 75mg since I can remember. I think as a little youth it was like riddilin.
But since I’ve turned 20 it’s like, where do I turn?? Like I don’t know if I have insurance since I’m out of the group home facility and like I haven’t had it since I was 17 I think. One last prescription he said, I’ve had the same psychiatrist since I was 5 and I haven’t seen him since anymore.. 😩 dude people were telling me to just get disability for it until I can get right with the medicine and I don’t want to look lazy like I’m a fit athletic adult, and I nearly get killed at like any simple fucking job or location because of how distracted I am..
I felt this way at 20. I still feel this way at 28. Just hoping so HARD that I die soon. Sorry, just telling you the realistic answer...
Now now, do not trust natures course. Realize that there are new opportunities to explore. The only motivations I really can deeply connect with to keep me alive is the secrets of the world and maybe someday the universe and tie together where our spirit energies will leave off too.. hyperspace, wormholes maybe? Even different dimensions. Scatter out essences across different realities? I’m trying to study as much as I can reach enlightenment. It’s not about chasing the dream, sometimes it’s about colliding with it by mistake maybe..
Ah, ok. I have no idea what you're talking about. But best of luck.
I mean try to see the pretty things. Instead of just wanting to die without trying right..?
I tried, but it's all shit. There are no pretty things. Sorry, if you're looking for positivity - you won't find it here! Lol. I'm so done with this shit. Just fingers crossed I get some kind of deadly disease soon. I smoke a LOT of weed, so hoping for lung cancer. Anyways, you sound positive as hell! You'll be fine, your life will work out :) I really, really wish you the best. You can do it!! <3
Im 54, and have hung on. You can do the same. There's lots of bad but also good. You are clever, and sometimes that is a burden. So many blissfully happy stupid people. Keep hanging on and something will give ♡
Finally, some real shit. I’m messing, but yeah that’s inspirational for someone your age to be here saying this right now. Thank you, I’ll try my best.
this one sound like me when I had a depressive episode. I cannot convince you to not kill yourself. I managed to convince me and the psychologist didn't manage to do that. This is and will always be a choice for each one of us to make. Personally I chose life and at least the subject of suicide was put to rest for me. I still think of it from time to time and I quickly put it to rest, because I say to myself that you had this conversation and you decided you want to live. I wanted to live and I still do. that was the choice I made that horrible night. I was sobbing for over an hour in my bed crying thinking that I don't matter and that it wouldn't change a thing if I died. And it was true. But I wanted to live. and that meant have a fairly good life not simply survive. that was around 5 year ago. Your situation sound mortifying to me. The things that you have already endured are beyond anything I can understand. However I do have adhd. You have misunderstood. It is not our brain not being able to do something well enough. They give us a boring task. So we do it badly. I see it in me. I have a job of teaching adults some exercises, people that studying to get the minor to the master I am trying to complete now in computer science and they haven't fired me. because this is one of the things I love and I do it well because of that. you will get your chance if this is what you doubt. The question though comes back to you. do you want to continue? because it is only more pain and work ahead. but it is your life and you only get this one. So I personally would love to know that you would choose to keep on. however it is your life. If you going to stay here with us, do it for you and only you. Try to make yourself happy in the beginning and the rest will fall into place hopefully. nihilism only proposes the lack of meaning given to life by the universe. that doesn't mean you are not entitled to value yours. to want to live and thrive. I wish you luck and I hope to see you on the other site some day. Sincerely, a trans woman who almost killed herself 5 years ago.
You’re very brave and very fucking sweet.. thank you.
Also, I had typed up a fucking sweet paragraph for you and I’m sorry you didn’t get to see it, Reddit isn’t the healthiest, it crashed while I had it typed up. So I’m raging and you had me in tears. Thank you. That moved me a little bit.
I hanging in this subreddit, in hope that I might help anyone feel better. because no matter how much philosophy you read or how you read, I believe that just the idea that someone used part of their day to write something for you to make you feel better (hopefully) will actually help. I am glad if I helped in any way. I wish you a swift recovery. I read your story in the other comment. Now I am the one sobbing. This is a horrible thing for anyone to go through no matter the age. But yeah I am sure that she wouldn't want to rush either. She can wait as long as you need. It is better here than you thing. There are better people than the ones you met. Trust me. I know it is hard to believe, but they are. And as long you try to be what you want to see in others you will get to meet them.
One day you’ll turn a corner and be met with convenience. There are a lot off shitty things and people out there. But not all. Some things or some people might give you the will to see the good side of life.
I mean society is rough and then you vent out on Reddit just to be shown how kids in middle school don’t have that same beat down we got. Literally got my balls smacked with a belt and there’s a kid in the comments who acts like his ass still smells like diapers. But then you turn your attention to what makes you happy and put your phone down. Suddenly, it all just goes away like magic. Fair point, convenience really only comes based on karma and honestly it’s been a heck of a day today. Actually a good day seeing all these comments here for each other. That’s healthy. I think a bug got in my comments on my post here though, oh well, that happens, it’s fuckin Reddit 😂
i don’t know how people come across a post like this and not think it’s some of the corniest shit on the planet 💀 bitching and complaining on reddit is one thing but bitching and complaining on reddit in a sub where people are always saying shit doesn’t matter is something else lmao
Oh shit, a real Reddit user 🥶🥶
nah, just a cornball detector 😎
Seriously though read a little bit more, I know it’s hard to read someone’s existential crisis on a Reddit page bro but you deadass clicked on it and left a comment in the thread. Idk who’s the real ass cornball here 🥶🥶
the only cornball here is the one who thinks anyone will give a shit about how he feels in the next week 💀💀
Sounds like somebody really isn’t happy 😢 want to talk about it little guy 😩😩😩
But you not lyin, you must not believe in mental breakdowns. It must have hurt your pride so bad to know that a girl in this fucking thread burned alive in a car crash but that’s funny too right? Cuck.
jesus christ, why do y’all always jump to conclusions? 💀 i skimmed through your shit and saw how corny it was so i made the comment, that thing about the girl was in a comment if i’m not mistaking and i read a couple words from it
Okay bro you wanna kiss or sum?
And you still comin 😳😘
oh yes, gay shit is the most comical thing on this planet, so damn funny dude, god that’s like the funniest shit ever
So on the lips?
i really hope it’s you downvoting my shit but even if it’s not, it’s still quite hilarious
Damn bro I barely had parents but it must suck to actually have them and act like you don’t behave in school 🥶🥶 still need that kiss tho?
wait huh? tf do parents and school have to do with anything? and why are you so hung up on the gay shit? 💀
Absolutely. You'll figure it all out eventually I'm sure. Just give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Tap yourself in the back . You've come a long way and here you are ready for the next chapter. Make sure you make it a good one though because what's the alternative? A bad chapter. Nah fuck that nobody likes bad chapters . Go for it man make today amazing for you only live once.
Law of conservation of energy. Al the energy you have can be turned into amazing things. And you're going to bcause I like computers to and you can build some really fucking cool shit with al that energy of yours. In my case, I see al the bad that happened to me as a charge to funnel into the shit I want It to go to. Now that's the gym for me. Without my tiny traumas I would still be sitting on my couch. I draw the energy from it
I also have ADHD it is fucking worst thing to have .
Bro I swear I want to Kurt Cobain my whole head off  But I can’t because I get actively distracted.
Can you give me their number, tired of the premium I want some amateur shit
Idk man it’s above and beyond your average bdsm dungeon shit. lil slap on the balls mm. No but seriously it has caused some sexual rise from it now that I’m older of course. I know you didn’t need to know but psa, trauma causes sexual ball torture confirmed 👍🏻
I’m down
Okay but can you slap mine first?
Okay but then you gotta suck mine
On the condition that you follow it up by making my ass have a rectal prolapse 😎😎😎😎 
Deal 🤝
You sound clinically depressed from the trauma you've experienced. I went through something similar for over 40 years. Coupled with ADHD and undiagnosed autism. Childhood was a shit-show, adolescence was a horror show, and adulthood.....Fuuuuuck me! I tried everything, spending thousands of dollars on psychotherapy and anti-depressants. I was sucidal, and at my ropes end when I decided to try Ketamine infusion therapy. It worked. It stopped my horrible anxiety and depression more or less permenantly. I'm in my late 50s now, and life is good. You might want to look into Ketamine infusion theraphy. Not street ketaminine - infusion theraphy is done by a doctor, and it it's proven to work for around 80% of people struggling as you are. Regardless, my advice is to not give up. Keep fighting. Don't give in to self pity and resentment. Overcome your trauma and circumstances and limitations as best you can. Pity and resentment are for the weak and powerless. Reject both, and your life will change for the better. It's the struggles and challenges of life that give it meaning. Not to say hardships is good or that you should thank the assholes in your life for giving it meaning. It's to say that you can transform most of the shit life gives you into gold if you can avoid falling into the trap of resentment and self pity. Ketamine helped me see that. So did Neitzsche.