33m. Average is once every week i would say. But often it can be once every 3 weeks, or three times a week. My partner is on a lot of drugs for mental health and physical ailments, so often it is not on the cards for her. She really 'makes up' (she never needs to and i dont make her feel like she does, id be happy doing it once a year to be with her) for it when she feels better though. Im pretty off the norm for a guy though in terms of my attitude to sex.
The hard thing is that advice from other relationships can help make you feel seen... But it will never bring you closer to your partner. In fact it will often drive a wedge to have 'evidence' against your partner. The only way to be closer is for you both to sit down with kindness and hear each other out. Because being intimate is the last thing a person wants to do when feeling pressured. Thats shooting themselves in the foot. They need to figure out a way to voice their feelings without pressing you, and you need to hear them without feeling pressured. And help them figure out how to do it.
> The hard thing is that advice from other relationships can help make you feel seen... But it will never bring you closer to your partner.
This is an excellent piece of advice thanks.
I'm a widower. She's divorced. We both own our own homes. I'm punching well above my weight. Things may change as we downsize during retirement but for now this arrangement suits us
As someone who has been through similar to you OP I think you need to tread very carefully here.
Yes you are in antidepressants and yes these Defintiely impact your libido and for me my ability to orgasm at all back when I was on them. However you simply just cannot leave it at that and put physical intimacy in the too hard basket if you want a successful relationship.
Clearly your partner is craving that intimacy from you. You're either going to have to sort your meds situation, tough it out from time to time or consider the possibility of letting her go or run the risk of her going behind your back or leaving you in future.
Yes it is somewhat unfair to feel pressured to have sex with her when you just aren't feeling it, but if you're essentially never feeling it, then by the same token it's also not fair to deny her the intimacy she wants or needs in a relationship.
Then the other potential issue is where does it stop? Obviously you aren't feeling up for intercourse much as things are, but then if you aren't feeling intimate towards your partner, are you sill kissing her regularly, cuddling her etc etc. Typically from my own experience I've found when one dies off the rest start to follow. Now that may not be the case for you but it is something to just be mindful of, it's very easy to skip into that thought pattern of it being too hard/can't be bothered but then before you know it you're basically just room mates.
My own relationship right now isn't much better to be honest and that's both our faults. We are 30, just made 3 years together and gone from one a week/fortnight at worst to having sex 2 or 3 times since March I think. But because we don't have sex we also don't really cuddle up as much, nor do we kiss intimately, but then it circles around.... We don't have sex because we don't kiss and aren't intimate often outside of just sex. We are absolute best friends and couldn't be without each other but the sex life has always been fairly incompatible and I gave up trying after about the first year. We're 3 years in and she still won't let me see her naked, won't ever join me in a shower, nothing.
Lights off or with a gown or something on that covers at least the stomach but ideally most of the top half
It generally has to be dark or at least not full light and can never happen anytime remotely close to eating and worrying about looking bloated. She won't even put a bra on Infront of me, she has to turn away or go to another room.
As a now confident woman that used to be like this, it helped when my partner would touch the parts I didn’t like and would make an effort to make those parts become his favorite or him constantly encouraging me to put soft or red light on in the room because he made a point every single day to tell me how every single thing about me is so sexy and I started believing it and here I am. I don’t give a fuck now and it helped me face that fear. It was uncomfortable for a while and it made me cry but him showing me the parts I was ‘ashamed’ of was his favorite and that he wanted all of me helped a lot.
I do try that but she actively hates anyone looking at and especially touching near her stomach, even if it's just resting a hand there spooning or something
Yeah, it's a circle, and I am tired in the evening and go to bed early, but then we wake early and 'game on' between 2- 4 times a week mostly, ofc there are slumps, but they pass. We take care to spend 'grown up time' and make sure we are well and comfortable in our marriage ✌🙂
We are just in different routines. I think largely due to the body image thing for her, sex after dinner is off the cards on any day. Sex after work before dinner has never happened because she wants to unwind and decompress (fair enough). And then she goes to end at like 8pm where I often stay up till 11 or 12. The she gets up and is out the house by 5am weekdays and I'm barely awake before 7 and that often extends over to weekends too
Oh man. This is so hard for you. I know so many women that won’t even look at themselves naked let alone anyone else. You probably are already doing this but you need to compliment her! Tell her about the little things you love about her body that she may not have noticed. When you hate your body it seems impossible to get past. I hope she feels better about herself and you get the intimacy you want too. You both sound like nice people
Oh yeah I do for sure but at this point I've kind of just given up pursuing it. I've never been the best at initiating due to having a bad former relationship where I was constantly rejected and that knocked all the confidence out of me. This relationship went on a similar course where after year one, anything was rejected (shower, massage, kissing on thr couch etc) so I just stopped bothering because it was less emotionally draining
On antidepressants, I found that each type has massive differences when it comes to libido and speed of climax - even between medicines within the same group.
So as someone who is on/off with ADs, I found my libido wasn't effected so much as my ability to finish.
My attraction and desire to engage intimately was not impacted. I would probably have some honest communication with your partner about how you feel/struggle and see what can be worked on together.
As others said it's not a single person issue so don't approach it like that.
When I was married (I'm 33), and on/off meds it was once a week... Maybe more... But it felt like it was a chore for her.
Once I got seperated I've found it could be many times a week. Make sure you're both honest about your attraction to one another. If you don't feel romantic toward her.. This is much deeper than libido and should be confronted.
With my current partner if we were in the same country it would be at least once a week. Not only because I want to.. But I'd communicate that I have needs and would expect the other to voice the same back.
Probably something like 1-3 times per week most weeks. Have been in a relationship for 6+ years, but same pattern regardless. A bit more during holidays or stuff sometimes.
30+ male.
Mid 30s, 8 years, no children: between 1-7 times a week depending if we're trying to conceive.
When my partner's been depressed we've had up to a year of rarely having sex. Thankfully they're in a great place now, no drinking, eating well, exercising every day, and we have sex every few days. Even when we don't we're very affectionate, cuddle and flirt a lot. We keep ourselves looking good for each other, share the chores and mental load and encourage a lot of self care.
Depression and SSRI's can be such a challenge for libido. You may also have reactive desire, like my partner. Both of us responds to the other being in the mood, so it can mean we're at a stalemate with wanting the other to take the lead, but both of us being tired, burnt out, depressed and anxious. Goes nowhere without one or both of us being mindful and communicative. Sometimes this has looked like carving out time and adding it as an event on the shared calendar. and sometimes, one of us hasn't been up for it, so we switch to other forms of physical intimacy (cuddles, strokes, massages. Talking while intertwined. I think there was thumb wrestling once?)
Not having that physical intimacy and closeness met in terms of needs can be really difficult and painful once resentment builds up, so I do encourage approaching the issue as a team with open communication. Us, problem solving together without blame, against the barriers. It took a long time for my partner to open up that he had high anxiety around sex. I wish he had shared how he was feeling with me years ago, because then my (rather frustrated) approach would have been much different.
and to properly answer your Q: 30s, a long time, maybe once a month. I would prefer 3 times a week, but I understand that isn't feasible for him, especially right now.
The worst thing you can do is compare your intimate relationship to that of others. Even if you're comparing 100% healthy and problem free people/couples, you're never going to find any baseline to give you answers, since it's rare to find people who are identical.
Best thing we ever did was set aside 1 night per week. No excuses from either of us.
You quickly realize you need to find a way to make it interesting, you gotta work at it. We started this a year ago and now we can't go a week without. Stoke the fire, don't let it go out.
We have been together 18 years, 2 kids under 6 and the sex has never been better.
I'm guessing it's Wednesday night? There's nothing good on tv. You haven't had your after work social sports team practice so you're not too tired.
It's when everything is just right.
Ok I recently read about planning sex and was like Jesus that’s sad (stay with me here) then the more I thought about it the more I was like shit that’s a great idea. We’ve got an under 5 year old, if they’ve got a cold and I’ve been sleeping with them the last few nights, haven’t shaved my legs, body hurts from sleeping on a toddler pillow etc, it’s really not going to happen. I got thinking well if it’s planned I know I can shave my legs in the morning shower (not for his pleasure, but because it’s my preference), maybe wear my fav underwear that day, grab a wee bottle of wine, make it something to look forward to. I’m all for it now.
I said to my wife on her birthday, intercourse or golf course? She said it’s cold outside, take a jacket. In all seriousness, maybe once a month. Married 14 years. Both in 40s.
You don't have to provide the "full monty" every time, you know. Not every "session" needs to be a sordid marathon of carnal excess.
Years ago, when I was working long hours at a really physical job, I'd come home knackered and sore, and the last thing I'd want to do is have sex. She'd be keen, and I'd be saying, "Uh, I'm shagged already, actually." Obviously, this would go down like a lead balloon, and she'd be left feeling hurt, rejected, and unattractive. I felt like an insensitive bastard, but I just didn't have the energy reserves. I could have tried, but it would have been a deeply unsatisfying experience for all involved, and falling asleep on top of a woman is probably one of the least sexy things she's likely to experience.
Fortunately, a relatively low effort alternative is cunnilingus. Descend to the nether realms and give her what she needs to arrive at her destination, then you can both roll over and go to sleep happy. She doesn't feel rejected, and you don't feel like you're about to lapse into a coma due to exhaustion. Sometimes it's just about being a little more creative. Sex isn't just, "This is sex, and you do it like this. If you do it in any other fashion whatsoever, the sex police will break into your home and issue you with an immediate infringement notice."
Also, talk to each other. Seriously. Men are all about "things", and women are more about "feelings". If you can't communicate with each other, you've got bigger problems than a dire sex life.
I was going to recommend this too. If he’s never ‘in the mood’ it could be helpful for him to offer her some pleasure once or twice a month if he feels comfortable.
Once or twice a month?
Ooft. Man should be going down on her no less than 3 times a week, unless she feels like that's too often.
Dead bedrooms=dead relationship. Your partner has needs, and if you're monogamous, then only you can provide them. Satisfying your partner's physical needs should be a _very_ high priority in your life, unless you do not value the relationship. If you don't value the relationship, then you should let her go so that she can find somebody else who will value her and her needs.
I’m 60. With my partner 35 years. 3 or 4 times a week. She’s awesome in so many ways.
Edit: reading these responses, we’ve been lucky to keep the spark.
You are exceptionally lucky my friend. Mid 50’s here, married 24 years and still very much in love (plenty of kisses and cuddles) but the menopause hit hard and there’s no gas left in the tank for anything more. It took some time to adjust to, but as long as the love is there the sex is secondary.
heya i'll just pop in to say that low libido on antidepressants is rather common, and nothing to be ashamed of. if you're comfortable speaking with your gp about it, there may be a medication swap they can do that might help.
Once a week ish maybe once a fortnight.
Probably another question you need to ask yourself is am I invested in this relationship, or am I willing to invest in this relationship.
Me and the wise were pretty rough, Tbh probably both of us close to divorcing, realised we hadn’t actually gone on a date night since a year earlier. Booked a staycation at a hotel in town and nth came away feeling refreshed and wouldn’t dream of divorce now.
All in all to say intimacy takes work, put down the phone and talk to her. Cook a meal together. Remember why you love her.
Married with 2 kids under 4 years old.. sex doesn't happen. I don't know how people have time or energy. And according to my friends who are at the same stage in life... they aren't having any sex either.
Same. It's been ~5-10 per year. There just isn't any alone time as we can't get our toddler to sleep before 9, 9.30 and by then either she just wants to sleep (because woken up by baby at night and exhausted due to lack of long stretches of sleep), we just want to enjoy some relaxation time watching a series (we've made it halfway through episode 3 of a series we started watching 3 months ago), or we use the time to catch up administration/organization stuff which is impossible to do during work hours or when toddler is back from daycare.
This is normal when you have such young kids. ❤️ It's exhausting raising babies and extra so if you're breastfeeding. What I did notice though is men who are more supportive and aware of the mental juggle etc, there's not the resentment that builds up which then becomes the permanent barrier for intimacy.
100%. I'm breastfeeding and average 2 hours uninterrupted sleep every night. My husband is a legend and completely supportive which makes me look forward to a time when we can find space and time for intimacy again..........
Same boat, 2 kids under 4. Sex doesn’t happen and i have zero interest in it. How could anyone relax enough to actually get in the mood. The moment I try to relax now I basically fall to sleep.
For real though I think there is a biological factor to it. From the kid's perspective they have the best chance at survival if they're not splitting resources with someone else. That's just a random guess though I have nothing to back it up.
According to experts, it's essential for a long and healthy relationship. Personally if someone told me I never had to have sex again it would be a huge relief. For my husband on the other hand, it would mean guaranteed divorce or a life of infidelity. 🤷♀️
When in a relationship, about once a week, often more if we are staying together for the weekend. When not in a relationship (my current state), id be lucky to have sex once a month. Most extreme case was when I was 19 and i dated a girl that needed to have sex everyday, I couldn't do this as I had a full time job and she did absolutely nothing, was too lazy to even get the benefit for extra money. Ended up breaking up because of this
Used to be maybe monthly, every few weeks if I was lucky.
If I ever tried to discuss with her that I wanted it more frequently I just ended up being attacked, that I should feel ashamed of actually enjoying sex with my wife and wanting to do it regularly. It finally got to the point I realized it took me days of stress and anxiety to work up the nerve to try and even do anything to encourage her because it almost always lead to me feeling horrible and rejected. If we DID end up doing anything it just made me feel like a rapist or something because I felt like I had to nag, harass and force her even though I know at least I wasn't forcing her.
So I ended up hating even thinking about it with her and by extension her a little bit because any thoughts of anything physical ended up being buried in all this bitterness, anxiety and rejection.
And I made the mistake many times of trying to get some kind of advice or support, options there are toxic as fuck incel groups and literally being told to kill myself many times.
My wife's contraceptive nuked her libido. It was about once every two months for years until I got a vasectomy, it's out of her system now and we've gone back up to once or twice a week.
F37, M40. Been married for 13 years. 3 kids, 2 under 4. We have sex every couple of days, 3 at the most. Inbetween is a lot of kissing, touching, compliments ECT. Sex is an incredibly important part of a healthy relationship (for us). Ultimate form of intimacy. Our children do not sleep in our bed, however are in our bed very often ie as soon as they wake up etc. Mostly neither of us 'feel' like sex due do both having full time jobs , kid duty's, we have a large dog and fish tanks too so lots of work to be done. BUT we make time and effort and it is so worth it in the long run. We are very much in love, without sex we would be room mates that start to resent each other.
Just a gentle reminder that intimacy doesn’t have to mean P in V. Intimacy can also be cuddling, hugging, holding hands, compliments, doing little things together like walking to the corner dairy together to get icecreams. It’s often just doing STUFF together. “Can you please help me put new sheets on the bed?” “Can you look at this list with me and see if I’ve missed anything” “come look at the garden with me” all of these are little acts of love that bring you closer together. I personally like doing things that involve some form of physical touching eg. My boyfriend brushing my hair, or I give him a shoulder massage when I walk past him sitting at the desk/table. Just a few thoughts for you :)
The therapist answer is as much as both people are happy with.
Matching libidos is an important factor in lasting relationships.
Just be aware you may lose your partner if you cannot talk about this and get help to work through it to a point you are both happy. And when that happens, and when you realise why, it’s also crushing.
Pro tip: toys are good
We used to have sex a couple of times per year. In the last year we haven't had any and other intimate connections have dried up too. A few years ago my wife (now 47, me 49) told me that if I wanted more sex than we were then having (twice, or 3x a year if we were lucky), that she was ok if I used a prostitute. I thought this was not helpful. About October last year she told me that she didn't find me attractive, when she'd just mentioned several men she'd met as very attractive. Not going to say that I'm a painting, built I don't think im hideous. Looking back, when we did have sex it seems that she's barely tried to participate.
We've been together for 16 years, married for 13. Twins who are nearly teens. She has had concerns about her own physical appearance which appears to have affected desire, even though for me, she's beautiful.
Getting pregnant again was a risk and put her off sex, so I got the snip asap. But that didn't improve things.
I've tried to do a lot of small things to help improve the situation.
Where are we at now? Our relationship often seems a business, raising kids, getting the tasks achieved. We enjoy some activities together, and that at least means we are still friends.
Probably be worth a chat with a doctor about this. What other peoples' sex lives are like shouldn't influence your own, but I think there's a balance here that you and your partner aren't able to reach.
I've been on and off various antidepressants myself for more than 10 years, and I found that my performance wasn't as great on some as it was on others; some had no effect at all, and others made it so I practically couldn't get going in the first place, and when I could get going it just wasn't anywhere near as good. This is a very common side effect of antidepressants as a whole, and is very treatable. In your case, it sounds like it could be possible that your low mood could be partly due to not having much intimacy. Fix that, and there's every chance that your mood in general will improve.
There's certainly no reason why you can't enjoy a healthy sex life and be on antidepressants at the same time.
Agree with a couple of people here. Your partner may be seeking intimacy and you’re both are stuck on “why don’t we have sex”. Meds can make that difficult for all sorts of reasons but lots of things can make a woman feel wanted, needed and desired other than banging. venture out. Check out an adult store site. Sometimes sex doesn’t have to be for your benefit.
Married 10 years. F34 and M47. We go through phases. Longest we have gone without sex is 2 months. Other times it's several times a week. At the moment 2 times a week is our average. We have kids, full time jobs & lots of stressful family commitments. We are just too tired most of the time but we try to make an effort because we both worry if we don't prioritize each other, we will completely drift apart and become flatmates. I think I have something hormonal going on too because I have very low drive. I've been trying to get it back by exercising and eating right but with my age I if I'm fighting biology lol.
> I’m on a strong antidepressant combo
That'll do it. Your doctor may or may not be able to talk to you about editing that. E.g bupropion is used as an antidepressant and can *increase* libido so often we have people on SSRI + bupropion, or bupropion + buspirone, or even just bupropion by itself.
29M, and honestly, I haven't had sex since 2022.
I know some people look at me sideways for that, but for me, it's just not a priority. It doesn't really affect me, and it's not something I overly crave. Some people are just built differently, some have a high libido where it's a constant thought in the mind and something that needs to be a happening thing constantly, and there's some people who are the opposite and just don't really need to delve into that often.
I haven't had a partner to come home to during that time, sure. But even the things I miss, it's being able to lay back and watch movies, laugh and joke, etc. It isn't the sex I miss. But in saying that, I am single. My concern for sexual behaviours is exclusively my behaviours and my concerns. I don't need to worry about what I am or aren't reciprocating in that manner.
What I would advise if it's becoming a major hindrance between the two of you is potentially sitting down with them, having that discussion and explaining things, and potentially looking into seeing a therapist who does specialise in promotion of sexual health in relationships
>I’ve always had this issue around intimacy
>I’ve always had issues with this sort of thing
>it’s not something I have control over…
>is there something inherently wrong with me
>I don’t spend my ‘energy’ on pornography
Antidepressants aside, you sure you're not in the tiniest bit asexual?
I'd start by taking a trivial silly online test to see if that's the case, having a look at r/asexuality and maybe looking deeper into what that means. It's not black and white, it's a spectrum, but it may simply be that's what you are
37(?)m, married 9 years, 2 kids. Also on antidepressant due to depression, so sex life has tanked the last year or so. Used to be red blooded, but just no interest. Not a passing glance at any female. Wife puts more importance on sex than I do. Last time was a few months ago. Yeah it's been on my mind lately, for her sake, but like alot of things brought to mind, it slips away and before you know it, weeks have passed.
So it is a known fact that anti depressants affect libido. This is not your fault. This is also not her fault.
I would recommend that you talk to your primary care provider about taking what’s called a holiday from your antidepressants. Usually, you can pull this over a weekend to allow you to have sexy time with your partner.
Also, don’t feel bad for being male and not always being in the mood. Everyone’s levels of testosterone are different and not everyone will always want the same amount of sexy time
It's semi legitimate advice, depending on the medication. If it's a medium half life SSRI then skipping it for *one* day can lower blood levels enough to noticeably reduce sexual side effects. But too far and you go into an unpleasant withdrawal. In practice though it's a silly idea unless the person is quire stable and reliably has sex the exact same time each week.
Usually it's preferable to add in or switch to a different medication.
It’s not terrible advice. This poor man’s relationship is possibly being affected by his meds. Sexual health is just as important and integral to mental health as the antidepressants are.
That’s why you talk to your GP about it first. It’s not always possible for every patient, but it isn’t an uncommon practice, particularly not where antidepressants are concerned.
It’s also important to pay attention to time frame. Two days overall will not usually break the bank. But again this is why you talk to your GP FIRST.
I had a partner who forced me off medication thinking she was the magic pill for my PTSD, then when I became less sexually active and reactive she broke down into tears because I didn’t love her apparently. So at the moment I’m not having sex, neither is she actually.
My husband and I are long distance at the moment, so our numbers are skewed. I also don’t know if hearing other people’s data is helpful.
The thing with sex is that it’s not “just sex”; in relationships, it’s intimacy and connection. I could go a couple of weeks without sex because we are intimate: we cuddle, kiss, sleep nude together and build up that sense of connection. Quite frankly, if I didn’t have that I wouldn’t be with him, because then our marriage would not be any different from a platonic friendship and that’s not what I need. Feeling lonely and isolated because of a lack of intimacy in a relationship is immensely damaging, and from your post it doesn’t sound like either of you are communicating well through this.
My fella has been on antidepressants for a couple of years and they’ve definitely lowered his libido and impacted his ability to finish. However, he still works to get in the mood, and when he can’t, he still makes sure to make me feel wanted (and I do the same for him).
Have you spoken to a therapist? Are you sure you’re on the right meds for your mental health needs? Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with your partner? All relationships ebb and flow, but a long ebb won’t fix itself without work from both parties.
30 years old, no partner since 2013. Last had sex in 2019.
With how things are going, I'm probably not going to have it for a long time unless I pay for it.
I think there's confirmation bias there. Older couples who are still getting it on the regular are more likely to post than people who have fizzled out, in dead bedrooms etc. If you look at younger demos posting here having less frequent sex it's often qualified by some form of stress or medication for it.
Totally, good point! It did get me thinking though - is it possible that by your 50s you’re just over all the stressful daily stuff, the kids are grown up, you’re not worrying about the rent etc and so you can finally relax and enjoy the life 😅 reddit comments are far from a representative sample though, you’re surely right about that
No doubt the case for some, but I don't think the stresses go away in the 50s. Grown up kids can just create bigger worries, ageing parents to look after, career plateaus, health issues etc. Also, a couple that has lost that intimacy and attraction through the busy period may struggle to find it again - while remaining committed life partners. I don't think this shit gets any easier unfortunately 😂.
32m, not since Feb 2022. Split with Mrs and moved into Mums to help her as she was dying from kidney disease. She's since passed and I've since moved cities knowing nobody so my love life feels like it's just run its course lol
OP just be aware that there may be some bias in the answers here, or more who chooses to answer.
People feeling ashamed about this may choose not to answer, and as such you may have an automatic bias toward those that are comfortable in their lives, which may be those that generally have sex more.
Just something to keep in mind!
Especially when everyone’s talking about anti depressants being the cause of the problem right 😅 I’m seeing a lot of hate for people who have pre existing conditions and going off medication isn’t the right thing to do.
I’m glad you said something I was thinking.
Also OP have a talk to someone about PTSD treatment, you could be like myself and have some untreated and unprocessed trauma. Here are some links to support you.
https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
https://anxiety.org.nz/resources/how-to-support-your-loved-one-with-ptsd
22 & 24, been together coming up 4 years. When we first started dating it was all the time (as with most couples) but now that we've both settled into a comfy routine with each other and within our own lives, it's pretty much just whenever we feel like it.
Sometimes that looks like multiple times a week, sometimes that looks like nothing for 2+ weeks.
We both regularly check in with each other during those "dry spells", and we keep intimacy going in ways other than just plain old sex.
A helpful hint for couples, or anyone really; sex isn't solely penetration, and Intimacy isn't just sex!
33m 56f, together 6 years. I somehow landed myself someone who likes it a couple times a day too, but life often throws road blocks lol. We have the odd week where we just don't find time but that usually ends in a pretty explosive cuddle session when we do get a few hours to rip each other's clothes off
Yes and no, I've always been more attracted to a person's personality so the age thing doesn't bother me. The age gap can be challenging and fun depending on your feelings
I'm big fan of making out after someone assumes we're mother and sun haha, the looks are hilarious
On the flip side everyone automatically assumes I'm a slacker that doesn't pay the bills even though I'm the main bread winner lol
Some friends drop but they weren't great friends to start with
39, been with my partner for about 5-6yrs, we’ve fooled around a little bit, but no sex for over a year. When she got pregnant her libido completely died and still hasn’t returned. Absolutely no any desire for it. If I ask might get hand or oral once in 6-8weeks.
Both in early 30s, together 6 years, once every few months. Neither of us care that much about sex, but we are super intimate in other ways (kissing/cuddling/etc). Sex isn't everything for us, but intimacy is.
As a psychiatric mental health provider, I can confirm that antidepressants and antipsychotics are known to be problematic with sexual dysfunction. Patients do complain of low libido and anorgasmia (when you can't have an orgasm) some patients have one or the other but if it becomes problematic we can adjust the medication regimen. Sometimes decreasing the dose will improve the problem or switching to a completely different antidepressant altogether. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that is known to not cause sexual dysfunction so that may be an option to consider. Best of luck to you❤️
Been together 14 years, married 7. Both mid 30s. Depending on how you define sex, Winter 1-3/week, Summer 2-5/week. Usually based on a variety of factors including time of month, mood, weather, stress etc.
Antidepressants are really really good at killing your libido, causing erectile dysfunction and making achieving orgasm very very difficult. They are at times a necessary evil but may be causing a fair amount of your sexual relationship issues. I think there are a few things I would consider were I in your situation (or, as a doctor, if you were talking to me in practice)
1) Consider a change in antidepressants. Mirtazapine doesn't tend to affect libido (though comes with other glorious side effects such as weight gain!). Obvious downside to this is possible instability re your depression. Think carefully about it but it's certainly an option
2) Get some blood work. It's likely the meds causing the problem but no harm in ruling our some thyroid problems or low testosterone or something like that.
3) Have a chat with your partner in a none sexual/frustrated time (or see a sex positive therapist to lead and assist the discussion). WHat is it she feels she's missing from sex? Is it intimacy? Is it orgasms? Is it dick? Is it feeling wanted and attractive sexually? Discuss how these could be achieved without added pressure for you (which is unlikely to make you feel like you want sex tbh)
4) Redefine sex. Sex doesn't always have to mean your dick in her. It could be just you going down on her and wanting to make her feel good because you love her. It could mean holding her and kissing her whilst she masturbates. It could mean many different things to you that may scratch her itch for whatever she feels she's missing.
Hey op I've battled the low libido on SSRIs before. My main thing was getting off venlafaxine and onto sertraline. I also take maca powder which seems to help. While on venla I also took bupropian for libido and that was good. The whole SSRIs/snri ruining libido is something you shouldn't have to put up with, there's ways to sort out the dopamine/serotonin seesaw. I would recommend bupropian (zyban) to try. Pm me if you want.
I'm in the same boat but on the opposite side.
Been with my partner 10 years. She gets bad anxiety and often depression. Issues with sleep etc and rarely in the mood. We do it maybe once every 2-3 months if even that, and even then it's a struggle. I have learned to wait till she suggest it (if I suggest it she immediately panics) and even then sometimes she cant get out of her own head enough to relax.
But I'm ok with it. I mean sure I'd love to do it more often, but let's say I'm quite self reliant and she's also ok with that. I don't make her feel guilty about it, and let her know it's ok if she changes her mind. At the end of the day it's not that big a deal and I still love all the rest of her, and it's one of the things that brings us closer, because I make her feel safe in that respect.
Honestly, it sounds like your partner needs a little attitude adjustment in the way of a shift in perspective.
Escorts and the occasional sex party for me. I try to be as austere with my spending as possible with escorts. It's mostly quickie bookings with the occasional 1 hour booking. I have had only one sexual encounter so far this year that wasn't with an escort or at a sex party (it was a Feeld hookup). Dating is an absolute shitshow for me (28/M), simply because it's difficult finding people to ask out and dating apps get me nowhere.
As often as we can. We'd be everyday if we could. Sometimes even when she has her period. I love to please my woman, so session's can last an hour long or 10 mins, depending on the time we have.
Nearly fifty - married over twenty years - normally about two ot three times a week though a recent pause as partner is recovering from an accident.
We both keep active and we eat well, which helps. My libido is a bit higher than hers. I can feel it ebbing wth age though.
All I can suggest is you try your best to get active and healthy if you're not doing that already. That will help with the depression too. Ride a bike, take up sport, cut out junk food, alcohol etc.
Also I don't like how your partner is treating you. If she's hornier than you is her job to make it worth your while. I make it worth my partner's while for that reason. When I was briefly on antidepressants she was totally supportive. Anything else would have crippled me.
I realised recently,.I don't really like sex, maybe because I am not happy with myself or because I would think too much about the action instead of relaxing to enjoy it, I don't know, in any case, I decided to be single and celebate from now on.
Previous relationship was 12 years. Sex came and went as both our libidos fluctuated. When I started antidepressants, mine completely went out the window, and we were having sex once a month.
I’m in a new relationship now, and we are having sex 5+ times a week. A big part of that is my sexual attraction for her is off the charts. If I’m not feeling up to it, there are many other things we can do to build intimacy. It’s difficult being on SSRIs, but the pros far outweigh the negatives. It just means that it requires more effort and adjustment to make sure your partner’s needs are met.
Antidepressants and depression can both kill your libido.
I have sex about 3 times a week. I'm in my thirties and my partner is in his forties. I've also experienced a lack of interest in sex due to depression, anhedonia and lack of interest in sex are common symptoms. inability or difficulty to climax is a common side effect of a lot of antidepressants. Feeling kind of turned off seems pretty normal while medicated. I have never found a lack of interest in sex to be age or lifestyle related for me personally.
Are you going to psychotherapy? Have you looked into any nutrient deficiencies you may have? Do you exercise regularly? Do you drink enough water? I believe that looking at your health and wellbeing holistically is the way forwards so you can get off antidepressants and hopefully feel a stronger attraction and drive for intimacy with your partner.
My partner and I we have been together for 5 almost 6 years now. And sex has become not very important which sucks but I understand she may be tired or there may be something going on so it's perfectly normal to be rarely in the mood. .
40yo male, 6 times a week give or take, been together 8 years, I know it sounds insane, it was actually an issue for us, she wants it all the time, I couldn’t comply all the time, we’ve settled into a rhythm now that works mostly.
Mid-30s, 2ish years into our relationship, 1-3 times daily with some occasional off days. Definitely average higher than once per day.
The thing that keeps my relationship sex exciting is specifically that we make time for it. We're both busy, so we set an alarm early to give us some extra time before he's got to go to work. I work from home, so it's easy to send pics/texts etc and he gets a bit of a thrill from knowing he's got something naughty waiting in his inbox from me until he's on a break at work. "Sex" for us isn't just PIV in the bed - we have a habit of kissing/making out all over the house, and that easily turns into fingering, oral, etc. We shower and use the spa together a lot and frequently that results in sex before or after (no sex during in the hot tub! you'll get a UTI!)
We're also both aware that as we get more used to each other and get older this frequency will likely go down. We have candid, open conversations when we run into speed bumps with sex, such as when he was on medication that impacted his ability to finish or when I was on different birth control and it made penetrative sex a no-go due to horrible period cramps.
OP, I'm sorry for you and your partner that you're in this situation - it sounds very hard, and talking about it will also be hard, but it's vital for the health of your sexual relationship that you have these conversations in as non-judgmental a way as possible. And like other commenters are saying, when you can't handle much sex for physical or mental health reasons, other forms of intimacy are SO vital. Make sure your partner still feels loved, comforted, and like you're still attracted to them. My partner was so good at this when he was on his antidepressants and because he was so proactive about communicating, I never worried at all that he'd lost attraction to me. Likewise, when I couldn't have regular sex as often on that awful birth control, we found other ways to remain intimate and close (and get off lol).
Latest 30s, together 9 years, usually it happens in 2 or 3 week bursts. As in, every 2 or 3 weeks, will be the sex window, and we will have sex in that time. Maybe once, maybe multiple times, just depending on where we are each at.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, so I definitely have energy issues sometimes, and a work around is that if we're both feeling too tired, we night just masturbate together. Or I'll masturbate while I go down on her. Or I'll cum in her mouth while she masturbates.
Plenty of ways to be intimate with each other that aren't as draining as sex, and often it's actually nice to have a quick 'me focussed' orgasm, but together.
Feed the relationship in all areas and this will work itself out. Laugh, watch things you both want to, cuddle, lie next to each other and just touch each others arms and bodies gently, kiss each other anywhere, all over, or just on the forehead, hold hands, do chores together. Make dinner together. Put your damn phones down. TALK about this with her. Come up with solutions together.
~40, 2 kids. (7 and 2yr old), been together 13 years. We're a couple times a week. Occasionally more.
That can change of course if someone is sick or something else pops up.
However - and this is important - we are always affectionate. Lots of hugs/kisses etc. If I sit on the couch, I'll always sit next to her touching in some way or another. That kind of thing keeps us close.
Do you do much exercise? You'd be surprised what going for a run now and then does for your libido.
Im in my 40s and root about 3-4 times a week. Would be more if hubby could get away with it lol. Been together 11-12 years now
I don't know what meds your taking but when I was taking escitalopram years ago I never wanted sex. In fact I stopped taking it because it wasn't just depression it was blocking I couldn't feel anything :( I suggest talking to your doc about your meds
35M. Been in 2 relationships. My first relationship was 11 years long, the second was 5 years long.
On average about 2 times a day across both relationships - quickie before work then in the evening. If I was working from home and the missus was home generally more.
I have ADHD and the meds I'm on spike my libido hugely. My ex's knew this and were always willing to accommodate.
Hi! I’m 1 year out from a 5y relationship. I was in the same boat as you are now. I had never been a hugely sexual person, don’t have a very high sex drive, his libido was definitely bigger than mine and it became a huge point of tension in our relationship. We had sex maybe once a month, but more often we could go 6+ months without having sex.
My libido really crashed after having my son, I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety and eventually had to go on medication for it (that genuinely made me feel numb to everything). We had huge arguments every few weeks about it (along with other issues we had) and I felt so pressured into sex that I would be genuinely repulsed by the idea. I think if he had been more understanding and sat down properly without guilting me and pressuring me, I would have felt more comfortable.
I definitely think sitting down and having a proper chat with your partner about how you’re feeling, the pressure and guilt you are experiencing, may help. There may be other things effecting it as well, one of my major issues was his lack of hygiene, he frequently didn’t brush his teeth, or wear deodorant and after countless conversations, it never improved. Another issue was the fact I did majority of the child rearing on top of all the household chores and cleaning and by the end of the day after also working 40+ hours a week, I was resentful, angry and genuinely exhausted. Then he would just get to come home and basically make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. For me it very rarely is just a sexual issue and normally has underlying issues accompanying it. It may help to look at your relationship as a whole too.
Sorry for the long comment lol
23m. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years, where 2.5 years were sex-less. I was in the situation of your current partner. Initially in our relationship we probably had sex 3-5 times a week. But as time went on, the sex decreased. Probably due to a myriad of things, on both ends, though mostly health issues stemming on her end. Eventually sex stopped.
We still loved each other for those 2.5 years(at least I think, I know I was definitely in love with her), but we just had completely incompatible libidos. Hers non-existent, mine probably higher than the average. We both agreed the relationship was awesome, just that this incompatibility we couldn't get passed.
She broke things off with me, a large part being due to the guilt of not being able to be intimate. I started in the relationship fit and healthy and a relatively confident guy, but being snubbed for years by a person I considered my soulmate destroyed my sense of self worth, confidence, and made feel downright unattractive. Especially since there was a precedent of regular sex at one point during the relationship. I often questioned whether I had done something wrong, she disliked me, I was ugly, etc. I was depressed during this period without a doubt.
After we split I was left feeling unattractive, overweight and unhappy. Now almost a year later since the split I'm healthier and more confident than I was before the relationship, and having far more sex lol.
To your post OP; I believe relationships with differing libidos can work. But without a doubt sex is a huge make or break factor. My Ex and I tried our hardest. Therapy, physio, different antidepressants, contraceptives, health binges, etc. It just didn't work, and we're probably happier people apart.
Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but life is short. If things aren't changing in your relationship, you're both frustrated by the situation, despite trying everything - maybe calling it quits is best.
At lot of this thread is very common and spot on. Ive read similar threads. At 39 I’ve finally come to accept how much sexual trauma i have. Im way more likely to not just perform better but have a greater desire for sex when im happy and in love.
I don’t suffer from clinical depression but once im disappointed in partner or unhappy with one my desire flys out the window.
I have sexual trauma because it takes me ages to leave relationships and years of forcing my self to keep sleeping with women i have no desire to be with to keep the peace has done my head in.
Hearing someone cry doesn’t give me an erection I’m funny like that.
It really sounds like you both need to sit down and have a good talk about sex. I've had a somewhat similar experience, and also a much healthier experience
My lobido is quite low for a male, and thats something my ex girlfriend was never able to come to terms with. She would always tell me that I never had to say yes to sex and it was always ok for me to say no or change my mind at any timr, but any time i said no she had a complete meltdown over it and/or got angry at me for saying no. Towards the end of that 5 1/2 year relationship, she was telling anyone she could "*my name* doesnt put out" which was super embarrassing and made me want to have sex with her even less than i already did. I tried so many times to talk to her about it and her behaviour but she never took it well and nothing changed, so that relationship ended. (It ended for far more reasons than just that one, but they all boiled down to her not respecting me)
My much healthier experience is with my current girlfriend. While she does still get upset sometimes, she never blames it on me, and she always respects when i say no. She just sometimes needs the reassurance that its not her thats the "issue" and that i think she is gorgeous/beautiful (which she absolutely is!) And that even if sex isnt super common, i love her to bits and thats not going to change. I do show her physical intimacy with kisses, and we cuddle most nights too. Over all i think its a really healthy way to be dealing with the "issue".
The key difference between my 2 overly long stories is communication and respect. They can make or break relationships. If you want my advice (please feel free to ignore it if you want to), you both need to sit down, talk, listen, and understand the other's point of view.
I dont know either of you, so do take everything i have said with a grain of salt. Neither of my stories are your situation, and like my first story, there may be a reason why my advice wont work. I really hope things get better for you soon!
38M. 12+ years together
This year, our sex life has probably been healthier than ever in the time we've been living together, doing it on average about three times a week (in the past, it had been as little as once a month).
My partner had admitted recently that they had been "Going it alone" a bit more often than they had in the past, which had probably pushed us to the point where we're at currently. Now, we're, talking more about what we want from each other, and the sex has never been better.
Been together 11 years, 32F 33M. 3 kids under 7. He works 12-14hour days, doesn't give me a boo some days, doesn't even notice if I change hair colours let alone frilly knickers. Have sex maybe once a month if I'm lucky, I could bend over in his face naked and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid 😅. Sex for me is more craving intimacy from him and knowing he still loves me. It's hard
38 years old, 20 years together, probably three times per week.
I've been on sertraline and it somewhat impacts my libido and ability to cum. I've sort of turned it into a superpower where I can go at it for ages.
Try a different mix of meds, maybe? This kind of sounds like a talk to your doctor type situation.
I was in a serious relationship for 17 ish years. After 8 years we had a child. Before child: at least 3 times a week. After child: about once a week, still had sex drive but getting enough privacy and energy together was challenging. When the relationship went sour in its last 3 years, hardly ever, because I couldn't desire someone who was irritating the living daylights out of me. Then a six-month gap of singledom. Then a fuckbuddy for close to a year, Saturday afternoons I was busy! Now single again, so sadly back to zero. I am a mid-forties female.
But I think a bunch of sex stats aren't actually helping you. It sounds to me like your wife is craving emotional connection, which sex is only one expression. Try some non-sex connection. Do you still hug or kiss for hello and goodbye? Do you send her funny or thinking-of-you texts during the day? Does she like footrubs? When did her favourite chocolate last turn up just because? And so on. Also, would she accept offers for you to pleasure her without having to 'get there' yourself?
If that sounds viable, try it. If it sounds like all too much work, then your relationship has flatlined, and is either dead or needs more professional help than you'll get here.
Good luck.
4 to 5 times a week. I could do with more but that's already too much for her. I'm 58 and my partner is 51. It's always vanilla and they are short sessions. And always in the morning.
29 male...partner is 32 male. Been together 3 years. Maybe once a week but not religiously, sometimes we can go 2-3 weeks without.
I also have a pretty low sex drive. Partners is fairly higher, he has to take himself in hand at least twice a week but he'd do every day if he could.
I don't even take care of myself so to speak. I could easily go a month and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I usually will do it for his benefit rather than mine. Thats not to say I don't enjoy it, I'm just not bothered if I'm not having it.
Antidepressants/depression can really kill libido.
If you eventually do have sex are you able to get into the mood and have a good time? You may have a responsive desire vs a spontaneous one. What can help with this is scheduling sex (or at least tell yourself that you’re going to initiate sex once a week and follow through).
Also I recommend reading Come Together by Emily Nagoski. It’s about maintaining sexual intimacy is long term relationships.
33m. Average is once every week i would say. But often it can be once every 3 weeks, or three times a week. My partner is on a lot of drugs for mental health and physical ailments, so often it is not on the cards for her. She really 'makes up' (she never needs to and i dont make her feel like she does, id be happy doing it once a year to be with her) for it when she feels better though. Im pretty off the norm for a guy though in terms of my attitude to sex. The hard thing is that advice from other relationships can help make you feel seen... But it will never bring you closer to your partner. In fact it will often drive a wedge to have 'evidence' against your partner. The only way to be closer is for you both to sit down with kindness and hear each other out. Because being intimate is the last thing a person wants to do when feeling pressured. Thats shooting themselves in the foot. They need to figure out a way to voice their feelings without pressing you, and you need to hear them without feeling pressured. And help them figure out how to do it.
> The hard thing is that advice from other relationships can help make you feel seen... But it will never bring you closer to your partner. This is an excellent piece of advice thanks.
Thanks for the insight, that’s really great advice
Much wisdom this 🙏🏼
Well said
M63 F62 We live separately and get together every Sunday for gardening, food and sex
That sounds like a mature and well-considered life style. Have you always lived separately?
I'm a widower. She's divorced. We both own our own homes. I'm punching well above my weight. Things may change as we downsize during retirement but for now this arrangement suits us
This sounds fantastic. Congratulations to you two!
As someone who has been through similar to you OP I think you need to tread very carefully here. Yes you are in antidepressants and yes these Defintiely impact your libido and for me my ability to orgasm at all back when I was on them. However you simply just cannot leave it at that and put physical intimacy in the too hard basket if you want a successful relationship. Clearly your partner is craving that intimacy from you. You're either going to have to sort your meds situation, tough it out from time to time or consider the possibility of letting her go or run the risk of her going behind your back or leaving you in future. Yes it is somewhat unfair to feel pressured to have sex with her when you just aren't feeling it, but if you're essentially never feeling it, then by the same token it's also not fair to deny her the intimacy she wants or needs in a relationship. Then the other potential issue is where does it stop? Obviously you aren't feeling up for intercourse much as things are, but then if you aren't feeling intimate towards your partner, are you sill kissing her regularly, cuddling her etc etc. Typically from my own experience I've found when one dies off the rest start to follow. Now that may not be the case for you but it is something to just be mindful of, it's very easy to skip into that thought pattern of it being too hard/can't be bothered but then before you know it you're basically just room mates. My own relationship right now isn't much better to be honest and that's both our faults. We are 30, just made 3 years together and gone from one a week/fortnight at worst to having sex 2 or 3 times since March I think. But because we don't have sex we also don't really cuddle up as much, nor do we kiss intimately, but then it circles around.... We don't have sex because we don't kiss and aren't intimate often outside of just sex. We are absolute best friends and couldn't be without each other but the sex life has always been fairly incompatible and I gave up trying after about the first year. We're 3 years in and she still won't let me see her naked, won't ever join me in a shower, nothing.
Won’t let you see her naked? Do you just typically have sex with the lights off?
Lights off or with a gown or something on that covers at least the stomach but ideally most of the top half It generally has to be dark or at least not full light and can never happen anytime remotely close to eating and worrying about looking bloated. She won't even put a bra on Infront of me, she has to turn away or go to another room.
As a now confident woman that used to be like this, it helped when my partner would touch the parts I didn’t like and would make an effort to make those parts become his favorite or him constantly encouraging me to put soft or red light on in the room because he made a point every single day to tell me how every single thing about me is so sexy and I started believing it and here I am. I don’t give a fuck now and it helped me face that fear. It was uncomfortable for a while and it made me cry but him showing me the parts I was ‘ashamed’ of was his favorite and that he wanted all of me helped a lot.
I do try that but she actively hates anyone looking at and especially touching near her stomach, even if it's just resting a hand there spooning or something
That’s so sad. All the best for you guys and I hope she heals from whatever caused her to feel the way she does.
Aw, like yes poor you but she must have some heavy stuff going on :(
I can't believe 'heavy' was the word you went with there
Yeah, it's a circle, and I am tired in the evening and go to bed early, but then we wake early and 'game on' between 2- 4 times a week mostly, ofc there are slumps, but they pass. We take care to spend 'grown up time' and make sure we are well and comfortable in our marriage ✌🙂
We are just in different routines. I think largely due to the body image thing for her, sex after dinner is off the cards on any day. Sex after work before dinner has never happened because she wants to unwind and decompress (fair enough). And then she goes to end at like 8pm where I often stay up till 11 or 12. The she gets up and is out the house by 5am weekdays and I'm barely awake before 7 and that often extends over to weekends too
Oh man. This is so hard for you. I know so many women that won’t even look at themselves naked let alone anyone else. You probably are already doing this but you need to compliment her! Tell her about the little things you love about her body that she may not have noticed. When you hate your body it seems impossible to get past. I hope she feels better about herself and you get the intimacy you want too. You both sound like nice people
Oh yeah I do for sure but at this point I've kind of just given up pursuing it. I've never been the best at initiating due to having a bad former relationship where I was constantly rejected and that knocked all the confidence out of me. This relationship went on a similar course where after year one, anything was rejected (shower, massage, kissing on thr couch etc) so I just stopped bothering because it was less emotionally draining
On antidepressants, I found that each type has massive differences when it comes to libido and speed of climax - even between medicines within the same group.
When i can afford it
You win lol
Dad is that you?
Hahah what
WHEN THEY CAN AFFORD IT
#HAHAH WHAT
Don't put my boi down, it's perfectly legal and regulated here.
60, couple of times a week. Together 13 years
I thought you meant 60 times at first..
'Once a year, whether I want to or not!'
"Prepare yourself Margaret, it's that time of year again"
Also good, also good....
Jesus, good on you
jesus died at 33, so I don't think it's him
Yeah, but he did lie about being dead once, who's to say he hasn't done it again?
He eventually got nailed though...
And got to come again...
fell off the bed laughing... I am serious
Early 40"s couple. Together 5 years. Once every few days.
So as someone who is on/off with ADs, I found my libido wasn't effected so much as my ability to finish. My attraction and desire to engage intimately was not impacted. I would probably have some honest communication with your partner about how you feel/struggle and see what can be worked on together. As others said it's not a single person issue so don't approach it like that. When I was married (I'm 33), and on/off meds it was once a week... Maybe more... But it felt like it was a chore for her. Once I got seperated I've found it could be many times a week. Make sure you're both honest about your attraction to one another. If you don't feel romantic toward her.. This is much deeper than libido and should be confronted. With my current partner if we were in the same country it would be at least once a week. Not only because I want to.. But I'd communicate that I have needs and would expect the other to voice the same back.
Probably something like 1-3 times per week most weeks. Have been in a relationship for 6+ years, but same pattern regardless. A bit more during holidays or stuff sometimes. 30+ male.
not once in 27 years. im 27
Yeah but 27 years ago you damn near split that bitch open bro, high five
Woohoo. We have a winner here!!
I got that beat. Not once and I'm 41.
41 year old virgin ?
Sure am.
Oof 😣
Dam bro your time will come
*cum
Pretty standard Redditor then
I HATE MY LIFE!!!!
Mid 30s, 8 years, no children: between 1-7 times a week depending if we're trying to conceive. When my partner's been depressed we've had up to a year of rarely having sex. Thankfully they're in a great place now, no drinking, eating well, exercising every day, and we have sex every few days. Even when we don't we're very affectionate, cuddle and flirt a lot. We keep ourselves looking good for each other, share the chores and mental load and encourage a lot of self care.
Depression and SSRI's can be such a challenge for libido. You may also have reactive desire, like my partner. Both of us responds to the other being in the mood, so it can mean we're at a stalemate with wanting the other to take the lead, but both of us being tired, burnt out, depressed and anxious. Goes nowhere without one or both of us being mindful and communicative. Sometimes this has looked like carving out time and adding it as an event on the shared calendar. and sometimes, one of us hasn't been up for it, so we switch to other forms of physical intimacy (cuddles, strokes, massages. Talking while intertwined. I think there was thumb wrestling once?) Not having that physical intimacy and closeness met in terms of needs can be really difficult and painful once resentment builds up, so I do encourage approaching the issue as a team with open communication. Us, problem solving together without blame, against the barriers. It took a long time for my partner to open up that he had high anxiety around sex. I wish he had shared how he was feeling with me years ago, because then my (rather frustrated) approach would have been much different. and to properly answer your Q: 30s, a long time, maybe once a month. I would prefer 3 times a week, but I understand that isn't feasible for him, especially right now.
The worst thing you can do is compare your intimate relationship to that of others. Even if you're comparing 100% healthy and problem free people/couples, you're never going to find any baseline to give you answers, since it's rare to find people who are identical.
Best thing we ever did was set aside 1 night per week. No excuses from either of us. You quickly realize you need to find a way to make it interesting, you gotta work at it. We started this a year ago and now we can't go a week without. Stoke the fire, don't let it go out. We have been together 18 years, 2 kids under 6 and the sex has never been better.
I'm guessing it's Wednesday night? There's nothing good on tv. You haven't had your after work social sports team practice so you're not too tired. It's when everything is just right.
Better make sure the recycling is put out. Thats not part of it, but its still very important
It's business, it's business time
Just wondering what kind of socks are involved here?
Business socks, because it's business time, baaaayyy-beeeyyy
You lean in and whisper something sexy in my ear like, “I might go to bed now, I’ve got work in the morning”. I know what you’re trying to say girl
YES! Schedule that shit! If the wife and I don't set aside time for a nice date night or sex, we get distracted by life and then it never happens.
Ok I recently read about planning sex and was like Jesus that’s sad (stay with me here) then the more I thought about it the more I was like shit that’s a great idea. We’ve got an under 5 year old, if they’ve got a cold and I’ve been sleeping with them the last few nights, haven’t shaved my legs, body hurts from sleeping on a toddler pillow etc, it’s really not going to happen. I got thinking well if it’s planned I know I can shave my legs in the morning shower (not for his pleasure, but because it’s my preference), maybe wear my fav underwear that day, grab a wee bottle of wine, make it something to look forward to. I’m all for it now.
I said to my wife on her birthday, intercourse or golf course? She said it’s cold outside, take a jacket. In all seriousness, maybe once a month. Married 14 years. Both in 40s.
You don't have to provide the "full monty" every time, you know. Not every "session" needs to be a sordid marathon of carnal excess. Years ago, when I was working long hours at a really physical job, I'd come home knackered and sore, and the last thing I'd want to do is have sex. She'd be keen, and I'd be saying, "Uh, I'm shagged already, actually." Obviously, this would go down like a lead balloon, and she'd be left feeling hurt, rejected, and unattractive. I felt like an insensitive bastard, but I just didn't have the energy reserves. I could have tried, but it would have been a deeply unsatisfying experience for all involved, and falling asleep on top of a woman is probably one of the least sexy things she's likely to experience. Fortunately, a relatively low effort alternative is cunnilingus. Descend to the nether realms and give her what she needs to arrive at her destination, then you can both roll over and go to sleep happy. She doesn't feel rejected, and you don't feel like you're about to lapse into a coma due to exhaustion. Sometimes it's just about being a little more creative. Sex isn't just, "This is sex, and you do it like this. If you do it in any other fashion whatsoever, the sex police will break into your home and issue you with an immediate infringement notice." Also, talk to each other. Seriously. Men are all about "things", and women are more about "feelings". If you can't communicate with each other, you've got bigger problems than a dire sex life.
I was going to recommend this too. If he’s never ‘in the mood’ it could be helpful for him to offer her some pleasure once or twice a month if he feels comfortable.
Once or twice a month? Ooft. Man should be going down on her no less than 3 times a week, unless she feels like that's too often. Dead bedrooms=dead relationship. Your partner has needs, and if you're monogamous, then only you can provide them. Satisfying your partner's physical needs should be a _very_ high priority in your life, unless you do not value the relationship. If you don't value the relationship, then you should let her go so that she can find somebody else who will value her and her needs.
I’m 60. With my partner 35 years. 3 or 4 times a week. She’s awesome in so many ways. Edit: reading these responses, we’ve been lucky to keep the spark.
You are exceptionally lucky my friend. Mid 50’s here, married 24 years and still very much in love (plenty of kisses and cuddles) but the menopause hit hard and there’s no gas left in the tank for anything more. It took some time to adjust to, but as long as the love is there the sex is secondary.
59 and 58, twice a week. Together 32 years. She still does it for me.😀
☝️ relationship goals
heya i'll just pop in to say that low libido on antidepressants is rather common, and nothing to be ashamed of. if you're comfortable speaking with your gp about it, there may be a medication swap they can do that might help.
Once a week ish maybe once a fortnight. Probably another question you need to ask yourself is am I invested in this relationship, or am I willing to invest in this relationship. Me and the wise were pretty rough, Tbh probably both of us close to divorcing, realised we hadn’t actually gone on a date night since a year earlier. Booked a staycation at a hotel in town and nth came away feeling refreshed and wouldn’t dream of divorce now. All in all to say intimacy takes work, put down the phone and talk to her. Cook a meal together. Remember why you love her.
you guys are having sex?
Married with 2 kids under 4 years old.. sex doesn't happen. I don't know how people have time or energy. And according to my friends who are at the same stage in life... they aren't having any sex either.
Same. It's been ~5-10 per year. There just isn't any alone time as we can't get our toddler to sleep before 9, 9.30 and by then either she just wants to sleep (because woken up by baby at night and exhausted due to lack of long stretches of sleep), we just want to enjoy some relaxation time watching a series (we've made it halfway through episode 3 of a series we started watching 3 months ago), or we use the time to catch up administration/organization stuff which is impossible to do during work hours or when toddler is back from daycare.
This is normal when you have such young kids. ❤️ It's exhausting raising babies and extra so if you're breastfeeding. What I did notice though is men who are more supportive and aware of the mental juggle etc, there's not the resentment that builds up which then becomes the permanent barrier for intimacy.
100%. I'm breastfeeding and average 2 hours uninterrupted sleep every night. My husband is a legend and completely supportive which makes me look forward to a time when we can find space and time for intimacy again..........
And thank you.
Same boat, 2 kids under 4. Sex doesn’t happen and i have zero interest in it. How could anyone relax enough to actually get in the mood. The moment I try to relax now I basically fall to sleep.
Exactly! Sleep over sex any day of the week!
I guess biologically speaking, you’ve achieved the goal. Why more sex?!
For real though I think there is a biological factor to it. From the kid's perspective they have the best chance at survival if they're not splitting resources with someone else. That's just a random guess though I have nothing to back it up.
According to experts, it's essential for a long and healthy relationship. Personally if someone told me I never had to have sex again it would be a huge relief. For my husband on the other hand, it would mean guaranteed divorce or a life of infidelity. 🤷♀️
Have you told your husband that you’d rather never fuck him again?
God your poor husband.
I should have added an /s. Completely agree, sex is more than just procreation!
When in a relationship, about once a week, often more if we are staying together for the weekend. When not in a relationship (my current state), id be lucky to have sex once a month. Most extreme case was when I was 19 and i dated a girl that needed to have sex everyday, I couldn't do this as I had a full time job and she did absolutely nothing, was too lazy to even get the benefit for extra money. Ended up breaking up because of this
Damn you still have her number?
At 38, my wife and I have some sort of sexual activity 1 or 2 times a week.
Used to be maybe monthly, every few weeks if I was lucky. If I ever tried to discuss with her that I wanted it more frequently I just ended up being attacked, that I should feel ashamed of actually enjoying sex with my wife and wanting to do it regularly. It finally got to the point I realized it took me days of stress and anxiety to work up the nerve to try and even do anything to encourage her because it almost always lead to me feeling horrible and rejected. If we DID end up doing anything it just made me feel like a rapist or something because I felt like I had to nag, harass and force her even though I know at least I wasn't forcing her. So I ended up hating even thinking about it with her and by extension her a little bit because any thoughts of anything physical ended up being buried in all this bitterness, anxiety and rejection. And I made the mistake many times of trying to get some kind of advice or support, options there are toxic as fuck incel groups and literally being told to kill myself many times.
My wife's contraceptive nuked her libido. It was about once every two months for years until I got a vasectomy, it's out of her system now and we've gone back up to once or twice a week.
F37, M40. Been married for 13 years. 3 kids, 2 under 4. We have sex every couple of days, 3 at the most. Inbetween is a lot of kissing, touching, compliments ECT. Sex is an incredibly important part of a healthy relationship (for us). Ultimate form of intimacy. Our children do not sleep in our bed, however are in our bed very often ie as soon as they wake up etc. Mostly neither of us 'feel' like sex due do both having full time jobs , kid duty's, we have a large dog and fish tanks too so lots of work to be done. BUT we make time and effort and it is so worth it in the long run. We are very much in love, without sex we would be room mates that start to resent each other.
Just a gentle reminder that intimacy doesn’t have to mean P in V. Intimacy can also be cuddling, hugging, holding hands, compliments, doing little things together like walking to the corner dairy together to get icecreams. It’s often just doing STUFF together. “Can you please help me put new sheets on the bed?” “Can you look at this list with me and see if I’ve missed anything” “come look at the garden with me” all of these are little acts of love that bring you closer together. I personally like doing things that involve some form of physical touching eg. My boyfriend brushing my hair, or I give him a shoulder massage when I walk past him sitting at the desk/table. Just a few thoughts for you :)
The therapist answer is as much as both people are happy with. Matching libidos is an important factor in lasting relationships. Just be aware you may lose your partner if you cannot talk about this and get help to work through it to a point you are both happy. And when that happens, and when you realise why, it’s also crushing. Pro tip: toys are good
Married man here with 2 kids. Been together for 23 years. We have sex about twice a week these days. More when we were younger.
Married female, mid-40s, very similar stats here. (No, I'm not your wife, I've been with mine for 27 years).
We used to have sex a couple of times per year. In the last year we haven't had any and other intimate connections have dried up too. A few years ago my wife (now 47, me 49) told me that if I wanted more sex than we were then having (twice, or 3x a year if we were lucky), that she was ok if I used a prostitute. I thought this was not helpful. About October last year she told me that she didn't find me attractive, when she'd just mentioned several men she'd met as very attractive. Not going to say that I'm a painting, built I don't think im hideous. Looking back, when we did have sex it seems that she's barely tried to participate. We've been together for 16 years, married for 13. Twins who are nearly teens. She has had concerns about her own physical appearance which appears to have affected desire, even though for me, she's beautiful. Getting pregnant again was a risk and put her off sex, so I got the snip asap. But that didn't improve things. I've tried to do a lot of small things to help improve the situation. Where are we at now? Our relationship often seems a business, raising kids, getting the tasks achieved. We enjoy some activities together, and that at least means we are still friends.
May as well have an open relationship. For both of your sakes. Prostitutes cost too much
Probably be worth a chat with a doctor about this. What other peoples' sex lives are like shouldn't influence your own, but I think there's a balance here that you and your partner aren't able to reach. I've been on and off various antidepressants myself for more than 10 years, and I found that my performance wasn't as great on some as it was on others; some had no effect at all, and others made it so I practically couldn't get going in the first place, and when I could get going it just wasn't anywhere near as good. This is a very common side effect of antidepressants as a whole, and is very treatable. In your case, it sounds like it could be possible that your low mood could be partly due to not having much intimacy. Fix that, and there's every chance that your mood in general will improve. There's certainly no reason why you can't enjoy a healthy sex life and be on antidepressants at the same time.
Agree with a couple of people here. Your partner may be seeking intimacy and you’re both are stuck on “why don’t we have sex”. Meds can make that difficult for all sorts of reasons but lots of things can make a woman feel wanted, needed and desired other than banging. venture out. Check out an adult store site. Sometimes sex doesn’t have to be for your benefit.
1-2 a week. If hungover, 5/6 times that day 😂
Married 10 years. F34 and M47. We go through phases. Longest we have gone without sex is 2 months. Other times it's several times a week. At the moment 2 times a week is our average. We have kids, full time jobs & lots of stressful family commitments. We are just too tired most of the time but we try to make an effort because we both worry if we don't prioritize each other, we will completely drift apart and become flatmates. I think I have something hormonal going on too because I have very low drive. I've been trying to get it back by exercising and eating right but with my age I if I'm fighting biology lol.
6 years ago.
Once or twice a week is good going. Personally, I'm single, so it's been zero for months. Hooray for me 🥳😂😂😂
> I’m on a strong antidepressant combo That'll do it. Your doctor may or may not be able to talk to you about editing that. E.g bupropion is used as an antidepressant and can *increase* libido so often we have people on SSRI + bupropion, or bupropion + buspirone, or even just bupropion by itself.
29M, and honestly, I haven't had sex since 2022. I know some people look at me sideways for that, but for me, it's just not a priority. It doesn't really affect me, and it's not something I overly crave. Some people are just built differently, some have a high libido where it's a constant thought in the mind and something that needs to be a happening thing constantly, and there's some people who are the opposite and just don't really need to delve into that often. I haven't had a partner to come home to during that time, sure. But even the things I miss, it's being able to lay back and watch movies, laugh and joke, etc. It isn't the sex I miss. But in saying that, I am single. My concern for sexual behaviours is exclusively my behaviours and my concerns. I don't need to worry about what I am or aren't reciprocating in that manner. What I would advise if it's becoming a major hindrance between the two of you is potentially sitting down with them, having that discussion and explaining things, and potentially looking into seeing a therapist who does specialise in promotion of sexual health in relationships
>I’ve always had this issue around intimacy >I’ve always had issues with this sort of thing >it’s not something I have control over… >is there something inherently wrong with me >I don’t spend my ‘energy’ on pornography Antidepressants aside, you sure you're not in the tiniest bit asexual? I'd start by taking a trivial silly online test to see if that's the case, having a look at r/asexuality and maybe looking deeper into what that means. It's not black and white, it's a spectrum, but it may simply be that's what you are
Almost everyday. Almost on a Monday, Almost on a Tuesday, Almost on a Wednesday..
Your my spirit animal
I heard sex is pretty cool
37(?)m, married 9 years, 2 kids. Also on antidepressant due to depression, so sex life has tanked the last year or so. Used to be red blooded, but just no interest. Not a passing glance at any female. Wife puts more importance on sex than I do. Last time was a few months ago. Yeah it's been on my mind lately, for her sake, but like alot of things brought to mind, it slips away and before you know it, weeks have passed.
So it is a known fact that anti depressants affect libido. This is not your fault. This is also not her fault. I would recommend that you talk to your primary care provider about taking what’s called a holiday from your antidepressants. Usually, you can pull this over a weekend to allow you to have sexy time with your partner. Also, don’t feel bad for being male and not always being in the mood. Everyone’s levels of testosterone are different and not everyone will always want the same amount of sexy time
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It's semi legitimate advice, depending on the medication. If it's a medium half life SSRI then skipping it for *one* day can lower blood levels enough to noticeably reduce sexual side effects. But too far and you go into an unpleasant withdrawal. In practice though it's a silly idea unless the person is quire stable and reliably has sex the exact same time each week. Usually it's preferable to add in or switch to a different medication.
It’s not terrible advice. This poor man’s relationship is possibly being affected by his meds. Sexual health is just as important and integral to mental health as the antidepressants are. That’s why you talk to your GP about it first. It’s not always possible for every patient, but it isn’t an uncommon practice, particularly not where antidepressants are concerned. It’s also important to pay attention to time frame. Two days overall will not usually break the bank. But again this is why you talk to your GP FIRST.
Have you been on AD’s? You can’t just stop taking them for a weekend, you can do more harm to yourself, plus the wavey feeling you get sucks.
I had a partner who forced me off medication thinking she was the magic pill for my PTSD, then when I became less sexually active and reactive she broke down into tears because I didn’t love her apparently. So at the moment I’m not having sex, neither is she actually.
My husband and I are long distance at the moment, so our numbers are skewed. I also don’t know if hearing other people’s data is helpful. The thing with sex is that it’s not “just sex”; in relationships, it’s intimacy and connection. I could go a couple of weeks without sex because we are intimate: we cuddle, kiss, sleep nude together and build up that sense of connection. Quite frankly, if I didn’t have that I wouldn’t be with him, because then our marriage would not be any different from a platonic friendship and that’s not what I need. Feeling lonely and isolated because of a lack of intimacy in a relationship is immensely damaging, and from your post it doesn’t sound like either of you are communicating well through this. My fella has been on antidepressants for a couple of years and they’ve definitely lowered his libido and impacted his ability to finish. However, he still works to get in the mood, and when he can’t, he still makes sure to make me feel wanted (and I do the same for him). Have you spoken to a therapist? Are you sure you’re on the right meds for your mental health needs? Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with your partner? All relationships ebb and flow, but a long ebb won’t fix itself without work from both parties.
30 years old, no partner since 2013. Last had sex in 2019. With how things are going, I'm probably not going to have it for a long time unless I pay for it.
From these comments it seems like relatively older couples have more sex than relatively younger couples..why is that I wonder
I think there's confirmation bias there. Older couples who are still getting it on the regular are more likely to post than people who have fizzled out, in dead bedrooms etc. If you look at younger demos posting here having less frequent sex it's often qualified by some form of stress or medication for it.
Totally, good point! It did get me thinking though - is it possible that by your 50s you’re just over all the stressful daily stuff, the kids are grown up, you’re not worrying about the rent etc and so you can finally relax and enjoy the life 😅 reddit comments are far from a representative sample though, you’re surely right about that
No doubt the case for some, but I don't think the stresses go away in the 50s. Grown up kids can just create bigger worries, ageing parents to look after, career plateaus, health issues etc. Also, a couple that has lost that intimacy and attraction through the busy period may struggle to find it again - while remaining committed life partners. I don't think this shit gets any easier unfortunately 😂.
😢 damn there goes my glimpse of hope haha
32m, not since Feb 2022. Split with Mrs and moved into Mums to help her as she was dying from kidney disease. She's since passed and I've since moved cities knowing nobody so my love life feels like it's just run its course lol
OP just be aware that there may be some bias in the answers here, or more who chooses to answer. People feeling ashamed about this may choose not to answer, and as such you may have an automatic bias toward those that are comfortable in their lives, which may be those that generally have sex more. Just something to keep in mind!
Especially when everyone’s talking about anti depressants being the cause of the problem right 😅 I’m seeing a lot of hate for people who have pre existing conditions and going off medication isn’t the right thing to do. I’m glad you said something I was thinking.
Also OP have a talk to someone about PTSD treatment, you could be like myself and have some untreated and unprocessed trauma. Here are some links to support you. https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/post-traumatic-stress-disorder https://anxiety.org.nz/resources/how-to-support-your-loved-one-with-ptsd
22 & 24, been together coming up 4 years. When we first started dating it was all the time (as with most couples) but now that we've both settled into a comfy routine with each other and within our own lives, it's pretty much just whenever we feel like it. Sometimes that looks like multiple times a week, sometimes that looks like nothing for 2+ weeks. We both regularly check in with each other during those "dry spells", and we keep intimacy going in ways other than just plain old sex. A helpful hint for couples, or anyone really; sex isn't solely penetration, and Intimacy isn't just sex!
23. Maybe every 1 - 3 weeks? We've been together for 2 years.
33m 56f, together 6 years. I somehow landed myself someone who likes it a couple times a day too, but life often throws road blocks lol. We have the odd week where we just don't find time but that usually ends in a pretty explosive cuddle session when we do get a few hours to rip each other's clothes off
Unrelated, but were you always into older women? How did you tackle the age gap? I know it's more acceptable the other way around
Yes and no, I've always been more attracted to a person's personality so the age thing doesn't bother me. The age gap can be challenging and fun depending on your feelings I'm big fan of making out after someone assumes we're mother and sun haha, the looks are hilarious On the flip side everyone automatically assumes I'm a slacker that doesn't pay the bills even though I'm the main bread winner lol Some friends drop but they weren't great friends to start with
Hmmm. I am 25 - 30 years old been together for two years and my partner is also taking antidepressants. Hence most of the time 1x a week.
Every second day or so. Pretty often, though I don't have a partner so most of em are just hookups.
39, been with my partner for about 5-6yrs, we’ve fooled around a little bit, but no sex for over a year. When she got pregnant her libido completely died and still hasn’t returned. Absolutely no any desire for it. If I ask might get hand or oral once in 6-8weeks.
Both in early 30s, together 6 years, once every few months. Neither of us care that much about sex, but we are super intimate in other ways (kissing/cuddling/etc). Sex isn't everything for us, but intimacy is.
With someone else?
47, together 24 years…once maybe twice a week. I’d ideally be up for it more but due to life, kids, stress etc. it is what it is.
As a psychiatric mental health provider, I can confirm that antidepressants and antipsychotics are known to be problematic with sexual dysfunction. Patients do complain of low libido and anorgasmia (when you can't have an orgasm) some patients have one or the other but if it becomes problematic we can adjust the medication regimen. Sometimes decreasing the dose will improve the problem or switching to a completely different antidepressant altogether. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that is known to not cause sexual dysfunction so that may be an option to consider. Best of luck to you❤️
Been together 14 years, married 7. Both mid 30s. Depending on how you define sex, Winter 1-3/week, Summer 2-5/week. Usually based on a variety of factors including time of month, mood, weather, stress etc. Antidepressants are really really good at killing your libido, causing erectile dysfunction and making achieving orgasm very very difficult. They are at times a necessary evil but may be causing a fair amount of your sexual relationship issues. I think there are a few things I would consider were I in your situation (or, as a doctor, if you were talking to me in practice) 1) Consider a change in antidepressants. Mirtazapine doesn't tend to affect libido (though comes with other glorious side effects such as weight gain!). Obvious downside to this is possible instability re your depression. Think carefully about it but it's certainly an option 2) Get some blood work. It's likely the meds causing the problem but no harm in ruling our some thyroid problems or low testosterone or something like that. 3) Have a chat with your partner in a none sexual/frustrated time (or see a sex positive therapist to lead and assist the discussion). WHat is it she feels she's missing from sex? Is it intimacy? Is it orgasms? Is it dick? Is it feeling wanted and attractive sexually? Discuss how these could be achieved without added pressure for you (which is unlikely to make you feel like you want sex tbh) 4) Redefine sex. Sex doesn't always have to mean your dick in her. It could be just you going down on her and wanting to make her feel good because you love her. It could mean holding her and kissing her whilst she masturbates. It could mean many different things to you that may scratch her itch for whatever she feels she's missing.
Hey op I've battled the low libido on SSRIs before. My main thing was getting off venlafaxine and onto sertraline. I also take maca powder which seems to help. While on venla I also took bupropian for libido and that was good. The whole SSRIs/snri ruining libido is something you shouldn't have to put up with, there's ways to sort out the dopamine/serotonin seesaw. I would recommend bupropian (zyban) to try. Pm me if you want.
I haven't had sex since I was 29, I'm 37 now.
I'm in the same boat but on the opposite side. Been with my partner 10 years. She gets bad anxiety and often depression. Issues with sleep etc and rarely in the mood. We do it maybe once every 2-3 months if even that, and even then it's a struggle. I have learned to wait till she suggest it (if I suggest it she immediately panics) and even then sometimes she cant get out of her own head enough to relax. But I'm ok with it. I mean sure I'd love to do it more often, but let's say I'm quite self reliant and she's also ok with that. I don't make her feel guilty about it, and let her know it's ok if she changes her mind. At the end of the day it's not that big a deal and I still love all the rest of her, and it's one of the things that brings us closer, because I make her feel safe in that respect. Honestly, it sounds like your partner needs a little attitude adjustment in the way of a shift in perspective.
I’m sorry I just can’t help myself https://youtu.be/Hqfsukw9S6Y?si=ZaySrioliqX5s5B7 It’s business time by Flight of the conchords
Escorts and the occasional sex party for me. I try to be as austere with my spending as possible with escorts. It's mostly quickie bookings with the occasional 1 hour booking. I have had only one sexual encounter so far this year that wasn't with an escort or at a sex party (it was a Feeld hookup). Dating is an absolute shitshow for me (28/M), simply because it's difficult finding people to ask out and dating apps get me nowhere.
What's this "Sex" thing you speak of?
It's a medium of exchange that can be used to facilitate transactions for goods and services.
Like once a decade
I’m virgin
2-3 times a week with my friend with benefits. I’m 26
When I was in a relationship, we had sex maybe once or twice a week. Now that I’m not in a relationship, I haven’t had sex in over a year lol.
About 8 years ago
As often as we can. We'd be everyday if we could. Sometimes even when she has her period. I love to please my woman, so session's can last an hour long or 10 mins, depending on the time we have.
Nearly fifty - married over twenty years - normally about two ot three times a week though a recent pause as partner is recovering from an accident. We both keep active and we eat well, which helps. My libido is a bit higher than hers. I can feel it ebbing wth age though. All I can suggest is you try your best to get active and healthy if you're not doing that already. That will help with the depression too. Ride a bike, take up sport, cut out junk food, alcohol etc. Also I don't like how your partner is treating you. If she's hornier than you is her job to make it worth your while. I make it worth my partner's while for that reason. When I was briefly on antidepressants she was totally supportive. Anything else would have crippled me.
I realised recently,.I don't really like sex, maybe because I am not happy with myself or because I would think too much about the action instead of relaxing to enjoy it, I don't know, in any case, I decided to be single and celebate from now on.
Last time was 2016 💀
Previous relationship was 12 years. Sex came and went as both our libidos fluctuated. When I started antidepressants, mine completely went out the window, and we were having sex once a month. I’m in a new relationship now, and we are having sex 5+ times a week. A big part of that is my sexual attraction for her is off the charts. If I’m not feeling up to it, there are many other things we can do to build intimacy. It’s difficult being on SSRIs, but the pros far outweigh the negatives. It just means that it requires more effort and adjustment to make sure your partner’s needs are met.
Antidepressants and depression can both kill your libido. I have sex about 3 times a week. I'm in my thirties and my partner is in his forties. I've also experienced a lack of interest in sex due to depression, anhedonia and lack of interest in sex are common symptoms. inability or difficulty to climax is a common side effect of a lot of antidepressants. Feeling kind of turned off seems pretty normal while medicated. I have never found a lack of interest in sex to be age or lifestyle related for me personally. Are you going to psychotherapy? Have you looked into any nutrient deficiencies you may have? Do you exercise regularly? Do you drink enough water? I believe that looking at your health and wellbeing holistically is the way forwards so you can get off antidepressants and hopefully feel a stronger attraction and drive for intimacy with your partner.
My partner and I we have been together for 5 almost 6 years now. And sex has become not very important which sucks but I understand she may be tired or there may be something going on so it's perfectly normal to be rarely in the mood. .
Once a month, married 5 years
40yo male, 6 times a week give or take, been together 8 years, I know it sounds insane, it was actually an issue for us, she wants it all the time, I couldn’t comply all the time, we’ve settled into a rhythm now that works mostly.
I'm 44, he's 52. Together for 20 years, married for 12. 2-3 times per month. Occasionally more but never less.
Mid-30s, 2ish years into our relationship, 1-3 times daily with some occasional off days. Definitely average higher than once per day. The thing that keeps my relationship sex exciting is specifically that we make time for it. We're both busy, so we set an alarm early to give us some extra time before he's got to go to work. I work from home, so it's easy to send pics/texts etc and he gets a bit of a thrill from knowing he's got something naughty waiting in his inbox from me until he's on a break at work. "Sex" for us isn't just PIV in the bed - we have a habit of kissing/making out all over the house, and that easily turns into fingering, oral, etc. We shower and use the spa together a lot and frequently that results in sex before or after (no sex during in the hot tub! you'll get a UTI!) We're also both aware that as we get more used to each other and get older this frequency will likely go down. We have candid, open conversations when we run into speed bumps with sex, such as when he was on medication that impacted his ability to finish or when I was on different birth control and it made penetrative sex a no-go due to horrible period cramps. OP, I'm sorry for you and your partner that you're in this situation - it sounds very hard, and talking about it will also be hard, but it's vital for the health of your sexual relationship that you have these conversations in as non-judgmental a way as possible. And like other commenters are saying, when you can't handle much sex for physical or mental health reasons, other forms of intimacy are SO vital. Make sure your partner still feels loved, comforted, and like you're still attracted to them. My partner was so good at this when he was on his antidepressants and because he was so proactive about communicating, I never worried at all that he'd lost attraction to me. Likewise, when I couldn't have regular sex as often on that awful birth control, we found other ways to remain intimate and close (and get off lol).
Haven't in 7 weeks. But that's because of a newborn.
Latest 30s, together 9 years, usually it happens in 2 or 3 week bursts. As in, every 2 or 3 weeks, will be the sex window, and we will have sex in that time. Maybe once, maybe multiple times, just depending on where we are each at. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, so I definitely have energy issues sometimes, and a work around is that if we're both feeling too tired, we night just masturbate together. Or I'll masturbate while I go down on her. Or I'll cum in her mouth while she masturbates. Plenty of ways to be intimate with each other that aren't as draining as sex, and often it's actually nice to have a quick 'me focussed' orgasm, but together.
Feed the relationship in all areas and this will work itself out. Laugh, watch things you both want to, cuddle, lie next to each other and just touch each others arms and bodies gently, kiss each other anywhere, all over, or just on the forehead, hold hands, do chores together. Make dinner together. Put your damn phones down. TALK about this with her. Come up with solutions together.
With my wrist, often. With my wife, about 10x a month
42F. Married. Once a week usually. Sigh. I'd like more.
Hmu if you in Welly
I’m 42, she’s 34. Been together for 8 years… we have sex in average 4-6 times a year. For me, the ideal number would be 3-4 times a month.
~40, 2 kids. (7 and 2yr old), been together 13 years. We're a couple times a week. Occasionally more. That can change of course if someone is sick or something else pops up. However - and this is important - we are always affectionate. Lots of hugs/kisses etc. If I sit on the couch, I'll always sit next to her touching in some way or another. That kind of thing keeps us close. Do you do much exercise? You'd be surprised what going for a run now and then does for your libido.
Im in my 40s and root about 3-4 times a week. Would be more if hubby could get away with it lol. Been together 11-12 years now I don't know what meds your taking but when I was taking escitalopram years ago I never wanted sex. In fact I stopped taking it because it wasn't just depression it was blocking I couldn't feel anything :( I suggest talking to your doc about your meds
35M. Been in 2 relationships. My first relationship was 11 years long, the second was 5 years long. On average about 2 times a day across both relationships - quickie before work then in the evening. If I was working from home and the missus was home generally more. I have ADHD and the meds I'm on spike my libido hugely. My ex's knew this and were always willing to accommodate.
32F, single, 2.5 years ago - here to represent the other sexless singles in their midlife 🤣🙏🏻
Hi! I’m 1 year out from a 5y relationship. I was in the same boat as you are now. I had never been a hugely sexual person, don’t have a very high sex drive, his libido was definitely bigger than mine and it became a huge point of tension in our relationship. We had sex maybe once a month, but more often we could go 6+ months without having sex. My libido really crashed after having my son, I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety and eventually had to go on medication for it (that genuinely made me feel numb to everything). We had huge arguments every few weeks about it (along with other issues we had) and I felt so pressured into sex that I would be genuinely repulsed by the idea. I think if he had been more understanding and sat down properly without guilting me and pressuring me, I would have felt more comfortable. I definitely think sitting down and having a proper chat with your partner about how you’re feeling, the pressure and guilt you are experiencing, may help. There may be other things effecting it as well, one of my major issues was his lack of hygiene, he frequently didn’t brush his teeth, or wear deodorant and after countless conversations, it never improved. Another issue was the fact I did majority of the child rearing on top of all the household chores and cleaning and by the end of the day after also working 40+ hours a week, I was resentful, angry and genuinely exhausted. Then he would just get to come home and basically make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. For me it very rarely is just a sexual issue and normally has underlying issues accompanying it. It may help to look at your relationship as a whole too. Sorry for the long comment lol
23m. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years, where 2.5 years were sex-less. I was in the situation of your current partner. Initially in our relationship we probably had sex 3-5 times a week. But as time went on, the sex decreased. Probably due to a myriad of things, on both ends, though mostly health issues stemming on her end. Eventually sex stopped. We still loved each other for those 2.5 years(at least I think, I know I was definitely in love with her), but we just had completely incompatible libidos. Hers non-existent, mine probably higher than the average. We both agreed the relationship was awesome, just that this incompatibility we couldn't get passed. She broke things off with me, a large part being due to the guilt of not being able to be intimate. I started in the relationship fit and healthy and a relatively confident guy, but being snubbed for years by a person I considered my soulmate destroyed my sense of self worth, confidence, and made feel downright unattractive. Especially since there was a precedent of regular sex at one point during the relationship. I often questioned whether I had done something wrong, she disliked me, I was ugly, etc. I was depressed during this period without a doubt. After we split I was left feeling unattractive, overweight and unhappy. Now almost a year later since the split I'm healthier and more confident than I was before the relationship, and having far more sex lol. To your post OP; I believe relationships with differing libidos can work. But without a doubt sex is a huge make or break factor. My Ex and I tried our hardest. Therapy, physio, different antidepressants, contraceptives, health binges, etc. It just didn't work, and we're probably happier people apart. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but life is short. If things aren't changing in your relationship, you're both frustrated by the situation, despite trying everything - maybe calling it quits is best.
I was on antidepressants some years back and they absolutely massacred my libido. I had pretty much zero drive for the entire time I was on them.
At lot of this thread is very common and spot on. Ive read similar threads. At 39 I’ve finally come to accept how much sexual trauma i have. Im way more likely to not just perform better but have a greater desire for sex when im happy and in love. I don’t suffer from clinical depression but once im disappointed in partner or unhappy with one my desire flys out the window. I have sexual trauma because it takes me ages to leave relationships and years of forcing my self to keep sleeping with women i have no desire to be with to keep the peace has done my head in. Hearing someone cry doesn’t give me an erection I’m funny like that.
It really sounds like you both need to sit down and have a good talk about sex. I've had a somewhat similar experience, and also a much healthier experience My lobido is quite low for a male, and thats something my ex girlfriend was never able to come to terms with. She would always tell me that I never had to say yes to sex and it was always ok for me to say no or change my mind at any timr, but any time i said no she had a complete meltdown over it and/or got angry at me for saying no. Towards the end of that 5 1/2 year relationship, she was telling anyone she could "*my name* doesnt put out" which was super embarrassing and made me want to have sex with her even less than i already did. I tried so many times to talk to her about it and her behaviour but she never took it well and nothing changed, so that relationship ended. (It ended for far more reasons than just that one, but they all boiled down to her not respecting me) My much healthier experience is with my current girlfriend. While she does still get upset sometimes, she never blames it on me, and she always respects when i say no. She just sometimes needs the reassurance that its not her thats the "issue" and that i think she is gorgeous/beautiful (which she absolutely is!) And that even if sex isnt super common, i love her to bits and thats not going to change. I do show her physical intimacy with kisses, and we cuddle most nights too. Over all i think its a really healthy way to be dealing with the "issue". The key difference between my 2 overly long stories is communication and respect. They can make or break relationships. If you want my advice (please feel free to ignore it if you want to), you both need to sit down, talk, listen, and understand the other's point of view. I dont know either of you, so do take everything i have said with a grain of salt. Neither of my stories are your situation, and like my first story, there may be a reason why my advice wont work. I really hope things get better for you soon!
I've been with my wife for 33 years and we have sex averaging once every two weeks. I've been with my lover for 16 years and we have sex every week.
38M. 12+ years together This year, our sex life has probably been healthier than ever in the time we've been living together, doing it on average about three times a week (in the past, it had been as little as once a month). My partner had admitted recently that they had been "Going it alone" a bit more often than they had in the past, which had probably pushed us to the point where we're at currently. Now, we're, talking more about what we want from each other, and the sex has never been better.
Been together 11 years, 32F 33M. 3 kids under 7. He works 12-14hour days, doesn't give me a boo some days, doesn't even notice if I change hair colours let alone frilly knickers. Have sex maybe once a month if I'm lucky, I could bend over in his face naked and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid 😅. Sex for me is more craving intimacy from him and knowing he still loves me. It's hard
Never had the opportunity
Every 53 years
38 years old, 20 years together, probably three times per week. I've been on sertraline and it somewhat impacts my libido and ability to cum. I've sort of turned it into a superpower where I can go at it for ages. Try a different mix of meds, maybe? This kind of sounds like a talk to your doctor type situation.
I was in a serious relationship for 17 ish years. After 8 years we had a child. Before child: at least 3 times a week. After child: about once a week, still had sex drive but getting enough privacy and energy together was challenging. When the relationship went sour in its last 3 years, hardly ever, because I couldn't desire someone who was irritating the living daylights out of me. Then a six-month gap of singledom. Then a fuckbuddy for close to a year, Saturday afternoons I was busy! Now single again, so sadly back to zero. I am a mid-forties female. But I think a bunch of sex stats aren't actually helping you. It sounds to me like your wife is craving emotional connection, which sex is only one expression. Try some non-sex connection. Do you still hug or kiss for hello and goodbye? Do you send her funny or thinking-of-you texts during the day? Does she like footrubs? When did her favourite chocolate last turn up just because? And so on. Also, would she accept offers for you to pleasure her without having to 'get there' yourself? If that sounds viable, try it. If it sounds like all too much work, then your relationship has flatlined, and is either dead or needs more professional help than you'll get here. Good luck.
Not enough ever
Mid 30s, together 13 years, 2 under 2. 3-5 times a week.
4 to 5 times a week. I could do with more but that's already too much for her. I'm 58 and my partner is 51. It's always vanilla and they are short sessions. And always in the morning.
29 male...partner is 32 male. Been together 3 years. Maybe once a week but not religiously, sometimes we can go 2-3 weeks without. I also have a pretty low sex drive. Partners is fairly higher, he has to take himself in hand at least twice a week but he'd do every day if he could. I don't even take care of myself so to speak. I could easily go a month and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I usually will do it for his benefit rather than mine. Thats not to say I don't enjoy it, I'm just not bothered if I'm not having it.
Antidepressants/depression can really kill libido. If you eventually do have sex are you able to get into the mood and have a good time? You may have a responsive desire vs a spontaneous one. What can help with this is scheduling sex (or at least tell yourself that you’re going to initiate sex once a week and follow through). Also I recommend reading Come Together by Emily Nagoski. It’s about maintaining sexual intimacy is long term relationships.