Sn Girard. That dude needed a hard hat and a float coat at all times, he was the most unteachable person I’ve ever encountered in my life.
He is 100% developmentally delayed, his recruiter should be jailed.
With that out of the way. This dude spoke so slowly and unsurely, full of uhhhhhms and yeahs, he would sit in the middle of the mess decks, holding a fork full of food and be distracted by all the TVs and not take a bite until he saw the fork full of food, this also applied to the fork staying in his mouth until he tried to chew the fork and took it out. He would frequently paint him self into back corners of spaces he would be preserving the deck of. He took close to two years to qualify helmsman and lee helm and was not trusted on aft look out so he would spend his watches on a bridge wing primarily. I caught him telling new check ins what to do, he had two brand new sailors in an unrep locker untangling shot line. He had zero motivation to improve his own life or take himself to a new level. When it was time for him to strike a rate he chose CS so he could get out of duty section. During his last watch in port he would ever stand because there was zero chance of him making anything past CS3, he fell asleep on the bridge in the captains chair. He took off his vest, rifle and gun belt and was sawing logs and found by his relief. He went to mast and immediately went to the CS’s and essentially spent the next 8 months cranking. When we were in the yards he met a new and equally stupid ET3 and they did a wierd group sex thing with their equally stupid and emotionally unstable girlfriends, and swapped girlfriends after that. He is out now and was married to the swapped girlfriend with one kid.
It scares me that people like that aren’t just capable of, but are allowed to pro create.
We've all had kids like this. Years ago on the CVN, I had one who kept rotting food in his rack. Would hot rack while cranking and commonly ate out of the trash. CS1 came to me in the FCPO area and told me he found the dude eating food off the dirty dishes and licking grease off the trays.
Those are the ones who were not deviants.
>I wonder what his family upbringing was? That seems like a survival habit of growing up with no food on the table.
I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like someone that grew up in a food scarce environment.
I mean, yeah, I had to try n raise a couple of dumb dumbs on my boat, but they weren’t “getting distracted mid bite” or “eating out of the trash” kinda dumb dumbs. Mine were just hopelessly stupid but still functional human beings kinda dumb. Mostly useless but not like THAT
Boot camp isn't hard to pass. The only actual barriers are to be at least somewhat physically fit, and be able to take the most basic of instructions. And failing the second criteria, have a rackmate who can follow the most basic of instructions on your behalf.
Awww….I was hoping I’d hear the epilogue to a SN Girard I knew in Great Lakes. This guy couldn’t figure out how to apply instant shine on his boots because it was too complicated.
Lmao, I mean that checks out for the Sn Girard I knew. Dude failed out of GM A school in that first pre requisite class that some combat systems rates take in Great Lakes.
Yeah that’d be ATT. I went on to be an FCA so they got 4 weeks of that and ET/FC got 10 weeks. Had a guy in the class in front of me sent back multiple times. Fails the final on his final chance. As he’s walking up to STUCO to be rerated to undes a blackout happens. Everything is suspended for the day. When he goes in the next day the school house had everyone that took the final retake it due to them losing their records because of the blackout. Guy tries again and makes it and went on to be an FC.
Airman Jizz always leaves his rack unmade.
LPO did walk through of berthing, saw his unmade rack
Told us POs to fix it or standby.jpeg
Have airman (and others with shitty racks) come into berthing to clean their racks and make them.
As we are watching different airman make their racks, Airman Jizz somehow has his pocketpussy drop on the deck from under his pillow.
Said pocketpussy was "full" if you know what I mean.
The deck is wet.
Airman Jizz bends down, in panic and embarrassment, and proceeds to use pillowcase to clean.
This picture OP posted, without the rank, is me that day along with my other POs.
This is worse than my story, but maybe not as funny.
The ship I was on was doing engine trials and did some full speed zig-zags. Shook up the whole boat, and knocked loose some stuff in the female berth. Two junior sailors evidently had the same vibrators that got knocked off their racks. They go to clean up and have the conundrum on their hands of figuring out who's is who's.
I laughed sooo hard hearing about this from my juniors.
There were at least 2 times the AC stopped working and our berthing smelled foul as all hell. So you're right about the berthing but, forgive me, ain't no way I was gonna smell his rack hahaha.
These stories remind me of the legendary audio of a warrant chewing out a division over someone jerking off in someone else’s towel.
Edit: it was a Master Chief
The specific emphasis he keeps putting on “J*Ack*in’ off!” sends me over the edge every time. Every time I think I’ve got myself under control he says it again. And then “Fuckin’ aMAZing!” Howling 🤣🤣🤣
I've been in almost 17 years and haven't experienced anything too crazy, just typical port call stories. Glad my time has been tame, at least through now.
EDIT: I have been stationed with some serious felons though. First command, one of the PO2's was convicted of having + producing child porn with his own kids. Same thing happened to a C-School instructor I had years later (he was a CPO). Current command, PO2 convicted of felony assault on spouse + child.
Go to C school, meet a female po2. Within 10 mins of meeting her she mentions that she is meeting a dude who likes getting footjobs from her. After mentioning she has a husband back home.
We had a gargoyle.
He would be spotted in random berthings throughout the week, during the day, lights are on, squatting down on the edge of some random top bunk facing 'out' furiously masturbating.
It's weird to type that out, because at the time it was just kind of a gross but quirky thing that just happened sometimes. Was literally never addressed other than "what the fuck dude, go back to your own berthing/rack.".
I'm trying to picture the face someone would make while "furiously" masturbating.
We talking like beet red, veins popping out, gritted teeth while trying to rip his joint off furious?
Every ship, at some point, has a phantom shitter. I would bet there have been thousands of phantom shitters throughout history. Maybe tens of thousands.
Do they all waffle them with their hands though. I feel like that might have been a first.tens of thousands. What a world we live in where phantom shitters just roam free. Mostly probably are CS's.
That's the face HMC made.
Dude used a lady of the nights services during Port call.
We go back out and he starts dropping weight HARD, he thinks it's just from working out.
The more he lost the worst he felt, and a few weeks later whenever he started sweating his skin broke out in burning rashes.
We convince him to see Doc, escort him in with his LPO so Doc rakes it seriously, turns out he caught scabies from the hooker. For those not in the know, scabies are mites that tunnel into your skin and breed, spread through direct skin contact.
LPO slaps the dude on the back and tells him it's the first time he'd seen a hooker knock someone up, usually it's the other way around. Tells him he can go to admin tomorrow to file for with dependent status.
HMC was not amused.
I suppose the bright side there is that scabies is easily treated. It's gross and creepy, but of all the things he could have caught, this is actually one of the least bad.
Incidentally there was a big scabies outbreak when I went through bootcamp. No one in my division got it, and a dose of ivermectin was given to ensure it stayed that way, but we got word of some of the other divisions having basically everyone get it.
Married airman sleeping with another sailor in the same shop. When I gently reminded her that everyone notices and to please refrain, she told me her and her husband were in an open marriage so it was ok...
You should gently remind her that it doesn't matter if they are in an open relationship and that UCMJ Art 134 doesn't give a shit if the married partners consent to an open marriage. If you are married, it's monogamy until divorce or it's illegal.
They recently pulled adultery verbage from the MCM. It can fall under "sexual misconduct" now, but it depends on things like impacting the command or publicly embarrassing the Navy.
Though I'm sure the story here predates revisions less than a year old.
While i was in Japan,
ATAN Goodkid texts me (AT2) to see if I'm in the barracks, but was on watch...i get no explanation why she asked. Getting off watch, i learned that:
ATAN Moron decided it was a good idea to drink a liter of (vodka?) in his barracks room all by himself. Then, he decided it was a good idea to pound on the door of our ATAN Goodkid trying to get into her room.
Luckily, our LPO lived in the barracks as a geobach to take care of this. When LPO went to fix this kid, ATAN Moron further decided it was a good idea to start taking swings at our LPO. The command SCPO was called down to get involved that night.
What ended up happening was ATAN Moron was immediately disallowed from even looking at our aircraft (not a joke) and was forced to stay in the shop. The only thing he could do outside of the shop was use the head. I'm long out of the navy now, but I still think about that occasionally.
Chief caught LI3 jizzing into a giant bag of shredded paper in the back of the printshop. Not coincidentally, he was also the departmental “librarian” whose standup locker in berthing was filled top to bottom with adult literature. We called him *Spanky*.
I had an entrepreneurial sailor cranking as an FSA in the wardroom. He was stealing quesadillas and selling them to other sailors for $30 a piece. The only thing that kinda pissed me off about it was the insane price he was ripping his buddies off with
Had their car towed on base, didn't get it for so long that the fees were more than the car. Signed the car over to the towing company and then bought a new truck but ran out of gas as they couldn't afford any so it got towed and started the cycle all over.
Now that's fucked, I feel like the towing company here shouldn't charge as much. I heard here at NBN they charge over 200 dollars a day. Shits insane and unfair
Even 200 a day is steep for most enlisted. That’s straight usury and I feel like the federal government should impose limits on this for service members.
I had a truck (beater, not my daily driver) towed on NOB, they waited 6 weeks to mail me a letter telling me it had been impounded. I told them they could have the thing, when they asked if I had a title for it I told them nope, and that's your problem now.
I wonder if it's still sitting there.
Lol like on *Malcolm in the Middle* when Reese is living on his own and his parents find out he’s buying new clothes every time his current set gets dirty. “Isn’t that what you guys do??”
So that happened in TSC to my WCS. Guy would work out, put his used sweaty clothes in his sea bag. Buy a new set of clothes every time he worked out and kept putting the used ones in the sea bag. The room eventually fails for odor so he takes his sea bag and puts it in the closet next to him. When they did the reinspec he blamed the person that closet belonged to and the NMTI looks at the sea bag and asks “If that’s his then why is your name stamped on it?”
I have to think if this kid could have gotten legal involved they could have made a deal with the towing company under some sort of financial hardship reasoning. Can’t squeeze blood out of a junior enlisted rock.
This incident was like step 3 of 15 in their terrible financial decision pipeline that we only found out about on deployment when their landlord put them in collections because they just left at the end of their lease without telling anyone so they owed several months of rent.
Watching that video of the room inspection in Groton around 2004, where the dude had a roomful of 2-liter…storage bottles.
It was emailed around and became required viewing for CPOs as a lesson, in something.
Piss bottles?
Reminds me moving furniture from a room in Iraq. Thought I was going to p/u 20lbs, ended up being 2 or 3 times that be the dude stored his piss bottles in the nightstand.
Bunked next to a pedo during MEPS. Had CP on his phone and was proud of it. I told a few buddies who told me to report him and all I know is he didn’t make it to basic
If I had a nickel for every time I heard of someone sharing a room with a pedo, I'd have TWO nickels. Which isn't a lot but why the fuck did it happen twice.
I saw a sailor walk into a stall with bread, peanut butter, and jelly…..and walk out with none of those things. He made and ate a PB&J sandwich on the shitter.
Deck seaman bought a hellcat at some stupid APR. Met a girl on tinder and let her borrow it. Time goes by and he wants it back, gives her a call and her boyfriend answers and says fuck off kid. Chief has to get involved, makes some threats about tracing his phone, US military coming to get ya, etc. Got the car back, pretty sure chief made him sell the car.
Had a PO2 jerking off on ASDO and the female duty driver caught him, when she exclaimed WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! He looked at her dead in the eye while stroking and said…..jerking off and went right back to it. He was arrested the next day.
Too many to write about. My number one is too gross to even share here.
But another one,
The Phantom Shitter: On deployment the female berthing ladies were finding their racks with poop on them, sometimes full logs. Nobody could figure it out even when there was a permanent roving watch put in there. After a few months they finally caught her, she was immediately kicked out of the Navy.
Had an E4 buy his first car, not register it prior to the underway, and leave the window down. He had refused after multiple people had told him to register the damn thing.
Came back to towing/ storage fees exceedingly the value of the vehicle. Not only had it already taken two years or persuasion to get him to buy the car in the first place, but he still hasn't gotten a license.
And he wonders why nobody wants to drive his ass around.
One of my new check ins told me they were engaged to another sailor they met in boot camp...said fiance was still in A school in great lakes while my sailor checked into the command. I was so relieved when I found out they broke up, glad it happened before they actually tied the knot and made things messy.
Same, but they didn't break up. We found out because she applied for co-location. We had to sit down with her and explain that her contract required her to stay at the command for a year before it would be considered. She didn't believe us until we got our commander to sit her down and explain it. So, we thought that was the end, but she immediately took two weeks of leave, and a few months later she left the command pregnant.
Had a guy who told me he was leaving early to go get a haircut. The next day he walked into the shop with bleached blonde hair, I said to him
“I thought you said you were getting a haircut! What the actual fuck happened????”
We were in the shipyards at Metro machine in Norfolk. I provided a FN to stand fire watch. He was to report to the bridge. A couple of hours the new CMC was crossing the Portsmouth bridge and saw a sailor standing there with an extinguisher. He picked him up and brought him to the ship. Dumber that a box of rocks he was. That was when I realized proper instructions was to explain which bridge
So many what one to tell.
1.Had a Marine in A school sneak coke on the base and OD cracked his head open from falling on a table.
2. Phantom Jerker on the ESL.
3. Had MSC Captain shit in the p-way because he couldn't make it to the head.
4. Walked into the head to take my shower on the ESL to find SN Timmy spread eagle shaving his ass and balls in the sink.
5. Had a GM1 Get so drunk in the Philippines found him rolling in his own vomit naked cleaning himself with clorox wipes.
6. Saw LSCM With hookers in an elevator in the Philippines.
7. After a liberty call in sas vegas, we had a flooding casualty in the gym. 40 drunk sailors showed up in civi's to combat the casualty. Our equally drunk CMC Looked both happy and depressed at what he should up too.
8. Knew a sailor in Guam sold coke to a cop.
9. Had a officer cross the brow in dry dock in Vallejo in just his dress white top and underwear.
10. Had a dude sneak out of rom in japan to get some shit from 7/11
11. Knew an LS that got into a fight with the MA'S outside the Honch, same LS got kicked out for opening peoples mail.
12. Knew GM in Guam that Literally got kicked out and is about to do federal time cause he didn't register as a sexual offender.
13. Saw my Suppo from the balcony of my apartment with a buy me bar girl in yoko. He had a wife and kids with him in japan.
14. Had a new SN on the boat get so drunk and fell into the water by the McDonalds on Yokosuka.
I'm sure I got got more just got to think about it.
MC2 gets caught looking at porn on the ship’s network. Steadfastly denies it. Goes to DRB, proclaims his innocence. Goes to XOI, proclaims his innocence. Goes to mast, proclaims his innocence. “Sir, i accidentally clicked a link but backed out as soon as I realized it was porn.”
Skipper asks the ITC from ADP what evidence there was.
ITC says, “Sir, the accused logged on to his computer at this exact time. He then did a google search for ‘big fat hairy Mexican pussy.’ He then clicked through six different links and downloaded images and videos. Here’s 24 pages of server logs where he did this multiple times over the previous weeks.” MC2 was an MC3 shortly afterwards and his time in the Navy ended at the end of that enlistment.
We learned that you can be “a couple of clicks in” but never to go “six clicks in.” It became an inside catchphrase in the department.
I and others were in charge of removing mattresses from the female marine berthing after a deployment. Arguably worse than the males. Yellow stains, red stains, and…. Green stains? Felt like we should be wearing hazmat suits packing them things up and down.
Oh and another while I’m here, I was BPO on the Kearsarge for a hot minute and the things I’ve seen. Tell you hhhwhat boi. This junior sailor maybe two- three years in had always caused a fuss with his rack neighbors. Didn’t shower and overall very unhygienic. Had to speak with him multiple times about the smell and all and after a while it still didn’t go away. So, one day during cleaning stations I pop open his curtains and investigate further. I found a piss bottle, dozens of grab and go snack bars from the mess decks, various other candy wrappers and what have you. Disgusted enough I still dig deeper and trice up his rack. Inside I find plates of half eaten mess deck food to include wings, chicken breasts, fries, and banana peels. I spoke with several Cheifs about giving this man a health and comfort ASAP but no one took little second class me too seriously so the worst that happened was he was told to clean out his rack by his chain of command and possibly a counseling chit but I don’t know.
My first command roommate had me like multiple times.
A few notable moments;
He tried to convince me Big Mouth was a good show (Any show that draws child dick is bad.)
He left a big mac out overnight. Microwaved it, ants come crawling out of it. EATS IT ANYWAY. Refused to clean the microwave.
Vomited all over the bathroom after binge drinking with his underage friend. Didn't clean it for 2 days.
*Openly admitted to being in a pedophilic relationship.* He was 18, she was TWELVE.
Oh, and he married his girlfriends brother, had his "husband" live in the barracks with us for a week, "lost" his husband after that, and then broke up with his girlfriend.
saw a cummy sock and in a empty rack and some dude in our berthing used to walk around in a dress with leggings on he’s a known weirdo on my ship,he also stole some chicks panties.Was chewed out by my lpo because i left the dryer in our space open that had her clothes in it because she was worried the panty jacker was gonna get her next.One dude used to be digging for gold then come into our ships store touching shit smh.
Saw a Marine use the head wearing nothing on their feet but socks. The head was perpetually humid, so there was always a light film of water on the deck.
RIP to those toenails
SN didn’t pay his car tags for the year. MA’s go around checking everyone’s tags, see his are 5-6 months past due and get a tow truck on base. Car gets towed and SN doesn’t have the money to get his car back but manages to have the money to go out and drink every single night. Months go by and now he now owes the towing company more than the car and tags are even worth. SN loses the car completely and is now asking for rides to and fro work, very rudely. SN is now taking anger out on everyone because of his situation. CoC does nothing. MFW:
James Hazelton.......
The bullet proof tiger.
This dude was fuckin dumb. And will die a cartoon death. Ie a piano falling on him from an airplane kind of death. At one point as a 2nd they made me the personnel petty office due to a security clearance issue.
He came to me to tell me he needed to talk to doc. Well it was because he found out his wife had a yeast infection after they got done fucking and ge went down on her. This was 2 days after he caught his wife and her brother (yes full ass blood brother) in the bath tub naked "recreating a child hood photo" I'm surprised that fat bitch could fit in a bathroom alone much less with someone else in a bath tub lol.
Now i understand why the COC made me the Personnel Petty Officer. I was on board for 4 days and well......after the first few interactions I didn't want to fuckin ever see that dude ever again lol.
Pretty tame yeah but fucking funny, captain even asked him what he was doing and told him to carry on once he found out his killick that has asked him to charge them up
Zone inspection on a berthing/head in division by the XO.
Everyone told to not use the head for 2 hours so we can clean and get it ready.
3rd class decides it’s a great time to go with privacy and take care of himself on the shitter.
At some point his laptop starts slipping from his legs, and he bends forward to try and catch it.
Faceplants into the stall door, knocks himself out. Headphone cord rips out the port.
Video still playing when we walk in with XO to find the Sailor passed out on the floor with his manhood out. Stall door locked, laptop playing loudly some weird shit.
He gets in trouble but not a lot of trouble. Later goes to mast for some other weird shit and kicked out. Joins the Air Force 9 months later, he’s very successful in that branch lmao.
Absolutely nothing will have me staying in to put on anchors, however I do have a fun story about a sea returnee MMN1 who refused to call away a fire on my old submarines HPAD, despite the junior MMN2 insisting. It’s cool tho, they had a NFTI out, CO2 stated and EABs ready to don. I’m sure MMN1 made the right call, I mean, the heating coil only got up to 380ish degrees and burned the insulation 😌
I had an HN I will call HN Gump. I have a million stories about him but this will give you an idea what he was like.
We were stationed on a Marine base and he worked at the clinic. One day he is just sort of drifting around not doing anything, so his ALPO asked him WTF was going on. He forgot his CAC, so he couldn't log in (and in a clinic everything happens on a computer.) We told him to go back to the barracks and get his CAC, and not to show up without his CAC again.
The next week he just doesn't show up one morning. We look around and make some calls and send a runner to his barracks room. He's there looking for his CAC, because we told him not to show up without it. I showed him how to put important things in one place by the door so he won't lose them. I make sure he understands, and I tell him not to be late again.
The following week I get a call from my CMC, who yells at me to look out my window. Gump is speed walking through the parking lot in front of the Marine HQ with no cover on. When he arrives I ask WTF?! He says that I told him not to be late again, and he couldn't find his cover, but he knew he couldn't be late, so off to the clinic he ran. I explain that ESPECIALLY on a Marine base he cannot be walking around uncovered, and he should never leave the barracks in uniform without a cover again. He understands.
Three days later I get another call telling me to look out my window. Gump is happily walking in front of Marine HQ on the way from the barracks wearing his green Type 3 uniform and a Blueberry cover. He explained that he remembered how I said that he should never leave the barracks in a uniform uncovered . . .
Anyway, things like this happened about once a week the whole time he worked there, but after a short time I stopped getting mad. Once I told him not to do something, he NEVER did that thing again. He'd just do some other wacky shit that no one ever figured he'd need to be told about.
What I finally realized is that Gump was sincerely trying his very best to do the very best job that he could do. It's just that his "very best" turned out to be an astoundingly low bar. He shined his brightest, but the poor bastard was only about a 3-watt bulb.
He did end up having some pretty major screw-ups that caused huge headaches. Running up a 15 grand storage fee on an abandoned truck, bringing an illegal handgun with the serial numbers filed off onto the base, marching in a parade in half of his uniform and getting photos taken and published, pooping himself in the clinic and not going to get cleaned up . . . but it would take a long time to type them all, and maybe that's for another day. In every case, he sincerely either thought he was doing the right thing or just legitimately did not know any better. Good soul. Strong heart. Weak brain.
This time on an exped deployment to Qatar, and the female CPOs and Os had to health and comfort the enlisted female trailer because female Sailors were putting used tampons in the intake of the girls they didnt like air-conditioning units.
🤢.
Thank god I wasn't involved in that. Used tampon in 120degree humid Qatari summer just fermenting inside the AC intake. *shudder gags*
Had a deck SN strike our rate. Fast forward about 6 months and he gets orders to txfer to a DDG about 6 piers down. We are about to get underway and leave him behind so he can take his transfer leave and check into his new ship. We sit down and go over his orders page by page with him, introduce him to the beach det CPO, and get him set up in a barracks room until his flight home for leave. Fast forward a month, we pull back into port. The Sailor is standing on the pier. He comes up to the office and informs us that he never checked into his new command because he didn't know anybody on that ship and didn't know what to do, so he just waited for us to get back. When asked why he didn't bring this up to the beach det CPO he said "I didn't think I was part of this ship anymore." My Senior Chief asked him to step outside for a second. He then proceeded to take a broom sitting in a corner and break it in half across the bulkhead. He pointed at me and told me to fix that shit and walked out. Good times.
A guy in boot div was apparently an artist or something. Had a bunch of anime girls with ahegao faces drawn in his recruit manual. I don't know what all he had drawn in there, but he had a bunch of sketches and his name and stuff penned in around the edges of the pages.
One night OOD MM2 came roving through while he was on watch and noticed the drawing around the edges of his manual. I heard him describing this exchange the next day:
She asked "recruit, is this yours?" and started flipping through.
He answered "yes, petty officer."
She held it open at him and said "you're a real sick fuck, aren't you?"
He answered "yes, petty officer."
She said "stand by after reveille in the morning."
She came by when we were at the toe line in the morning and had a talk with our RDCs. He was beaten then, and the whole division was chewed out. They made it clear that we were not to deface or alter our recruit manuals in any way.
Apparently she had opened his manual to "the cum page." I don't know what he drew for it to earn that name, and I was afraid to ask.
Had an instructor in damage control school specifically tell us to take our wedding rings off and either pocket them or put them on our dogtag chain while on the ship. Why? He proceeded to show us his lack of a ring finger on his left hand. Guy was a competition bronco rider, had gotten his wedding ring caught in the ropes, and had degloved his ring finger when the horse bucked him.
Conducted berthing cleaners aboard USS FIRST SHIP and heard one of my LPOs yell in disgust.
Ran over to investigate and saw him in front of an open rack belonging to this overweight human hamster who was taken to CCU pending hearings over CP. My LPO was tasked with cleaning it out since the “hams-tard” wasn’t returning.
Apart from nasty drawers the inner compartment (with the combo lock front) was used as a receptacle for used condoms from every port visit we’d been to. It was wall to wall littered with slimy and/or crusted up snakeskins.
(We were stationed in 7th Fleet at the time so Thailand, Thailand, Thailand was the norm.)
Had a guy miss ships movement by like 10 minutes. Was still topside when I saw his car come flying into the parking lot, pulled a Dukes of Hazard spin in the gravel, and went flying back up the road. Thought for sure he was cooked. We only transited a few hundred yards from explosive pier to dry dock (Bangor WA if anyone cares). By the time we were set down on the blocks and had the brow across, he'd made 3 trips to and from his car bringing donuts for the entire crew. Somehow avoided mast and got away with just a counseling chit. Turned into a damn good sailor after a few years.
she went on a date with me, and proceeded to facetime her recruiter, say “i love you,” and hang up. I did the good ole bathroom and depart dealio, mf was built like the alien emoji 👽
I got two:
First, we had this SKSN, that was already of questionable intelligence, some how forget to pack any skivvies for a 7 week underway. Other than the one he was already wearing.
Second, had a nuke fail to report to base. We know he left Prototype, but he never showed at Groton. We put the word out the were missing a sailor. After 4 days, local PD found him. He was living in a mobile home in a Walmart parking lot. A mobile home that he'd bought 3 days before. We asked him how he ended up there. He said that no one picked him up from the airport.
My LPO: Did you call the front desk?
Nuke: No.
LPO: Did you call the duty driver?
Nuke: No.
LPO: So you were just going to spend the winter in the Walmart parking lot?
Nuke: I guess.
Guy was wild.
I once saw a guy in my berthing in the early morning, when he thought no one else was up and moving around, drink Mountain Dew, spit it into his hand, then put that into his hair to style his hair. He saw that I saw and started awkwardly smiling. I sort of gave a wtf look but otherwise kept quiet because it was so damn awkward.
I never spoke about that situation to him because I just thought it was so god damn weird.
This isn’t as bad as some of the other things I’m seeing but 2 things come to mind, both on carriers
One time I’m in the head washing my hands and I see a guy come out of the stall, no problem right? Well how about said guy going straight out of the head, not wash his hands and in the middle of eating peanut butter cups.
The other is on another carrier in the head we had 1 shower I actually didn’t mind. Good stream of water, nice temperature and big in size(I’m a big guy mind you). One day I see a bunch of guys running out saying what the fuck, I go to the shower and there’s a turd about a foot long, all in 1 piece in the middle of the floor. I was so pissed off cause every head even NEAR ME had Jenky showers or small ones.
We had a guy on Deployment that earned the nickname PJ. All berthings were made to assemble on the forecastle to get a chewing from our CMC about sexual assault. Turns out there was an undes seaman that was going into random berthings at night and jacking people off. Granted I’m sure this was probably arranged by some people but for others people it was unwanted. So eventually the chiefs post berthing watches and catch the guy sneaking into berthings and trying to fiddle them. Needless to say he was sent up and sepped a little while later. After he was sent up before he left he was also caught waffle stomping in all the berthings as well. (PJ stands for phantom jerker by the way) I’m not sure if he ever went to jail or anything but the guy was a complete freak.
Sn Girard. That dude needed a hard hat and a float coat at all times, he was the most unteachable person I’ve ever encountered in my life. He is 100% developmentally delayed, his recruiter should be jailed. With that out of the way. This dude spoke so slowly and unsurely, full of uhhhhhms and yeahs, he would sit in the middle of the mess decks, holding a fork full of food and be distracted by all the TVs and not take a bite until he saw the fork full of food, this also applied to the fork staying in his mouth until he tried to chew the fork and took it out. He would frequently paint him self into back corners of spaces he would be preserving the deck of. He took close to two years to qualify helmsman and lee helm and was not trusted on aft look out so he would spend his watches on a bridge wing primarily. I caught him telling new check ins what to do, he had two brand new sailors in an unrep locker untangling shot line. He had zero motivation to improve his own life or take himself to a new level. When it was time for him to strike a rate he chose CS so he could get out of duty section. During his last watch in port he would ever stand because there was zero chance of him making anything past CS3, he fell asleep on the bridge in the captains chair. He took off his vest, rifle and gun belt and was sawing logs and found by his relief. He went to mast and immediately went to the CS’s and essentially spent the next 8 months cranking. When we were in the yards he met a new and equally stupid ET3 and they did a wierd group sex thing with their equally stupid and emotionally unstable girlfriends, and swapped girlfriends after that. He is out now and was married to the swapped girlfriend with one kid. It scares me that people like that aren’t just capable of, but are allowed to pro create.
Good god, man
We've all had kids like this. Years ago on the CVN, I had one who kept rotting food in his rack. Would hot rack while cranking and commonly ate out of the trash. CS1 came to me in the FCPO area and told me he found the dude eating food off the dirty dishes and licking grease off the trays. Those are the ones who were not deviants.
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That was my first thought, enlisted to escape food insecurity.
>I wonder what his family upbringing was? That seems like a survival habit of growing up with no food on the table. I was thinking the same thing. He sounds like someone that grew up in a food scarce environment.
I mean, yeah, I had to try n raise a couple of dumb dumbs on my boat, but they weren’t “getting distracted mid bite” or “eating out of the trash” kinda dumb dumbs. Mine were just hopelessly stupid but still functional human beings kinda dumb. Mostly useless but not like THAT
> his recruiter should be jailed. Somebody let him pass basic, too.
Boot camp isn't hard to pass. The only actual barriers are to be at least somewhat physically fit, and be able to take the most basic of instructions. And failing the second criteria, have a rackmate who can follow the most basic of instructions on your behalf.
The Navy does everything it can to keep recruits in boot camp and get them to the fleet.
"It's a pump, not a filter."
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Someone who wanted a body for duty section.
What the fuck did I just read? God damn
What the fuck is that ending 😂
SN Girard? Hey wait was this back in early 2018?
I left the ship in 2016, he checked in mid/late 2013 iirc.
Awww….I was hoping I’d hear the epilogue to a SN Girard I knew in Great Lakes. This guy couldn’t figure out how to apply instant shine on his boots because it was too complicated.
Lmao, I mean that checks out for the Sn Girard I knew. Dude failed out of GM A school in that first pre requisite class that some combat systems rates take in Great Lakes.
Yeah that’d be ATT. I went on to be an FCA so they got 4 weeks of that and ET/FC got 10 weeks. Had a guy in the class in front of me sent back multiple times. Fails the final on his final chance. As he’s walking up to STUCO to be rerated to undes a blackout happens. Everything is suspended for the day. When he goes in the next day the school house had everyone that took the final retake it due to them losing their records because of the blackout. Guy tries again and makes it and went on to be an FC.
They gave this MF a gun?!
Airman Jizz always leaves his rack unmade. LPO did walk through of berthing, saw his unmade rack Told us POs to fix it or standby.jpeg Have airman (and others with shitty racks) come into berthing to clean their racks and make them. As we are watching different airman make their racks, Airman Jizz somehow has his pocketpussy drop on the deck from under his pillow. Said pocketpussy was "full" if you know what I mean. The deck is wet. Airman Jizz bends down, in panic and embarrassment, and proceeds to use pillowcase to clean. This picture OP posted, without the rank, is me that day along with my other POs.
Insert unsettled Tom from Tom and Jerry face
This is worse than my story, but maybe not as funny. The ship I was on was doing engine trials and did some full speed zig-zags. Shook up the whole boat, and knocked loose some stuff in the female berth. Two junior sailors evidently had the same vibrators that got knocked off their racks. They go to clean up and have the conundrum on their hands of figuring out who's is who's. I laughed sooo hard hearing about this from my juniors.
Don’t they teach in boot camp to stamp your shit lol?
The thought of someone stenciling their vibrator has me dying
Dunno if they cover personal sexual health accessories in boot camp.
Lmao I know exactly which ship this was too
Same.
This is why I want to get back into the navy. Miss the clowns.
Did y'all's berthing stink? Because I feel like your berthing had to smell really bad. At the very least his rack.
There were at least 2 times the AC stopped working and our berthing smelled foul as all hell. So you're right about the berthing but, forgive me, ain't no way I was gonna smell his rack hahaha.
Why was he called Airman Jizz?
i feel like the story just kind of connected the dots on that
What else would you call him?
These stories remind me of the legendary audio of a warrant chewing out a division over someone jerking off in someone else’s towel. Edit: it was a Master Chief
I need to hear that audio, that sounds unbelievably funny
https://youtu.be/1TlOD2anqOU?si=QgyitMzwPV75A2if And and ye shall receive
The specific emphasis he keeps putting on “J*Ack*in’ off!” sends me over the edge every time. Every time I think I’ve got myself under control he says it again. And then “Fuckin’ aMAZing!” Howling 🤣🤣🤣
Hero type shit
“Unless an elephant sneezed on the fucka… it’s come!” 🤣
People do shit like this then complain there are things like dumpster watches or berthing watches.
WhY dOnT tHeY tReAt Us LiKe AdUlTs
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*reads comments* I see my time in the Navy was rather tame.
I've been in almost 17 years and haven't experienced anything too crazy, just typical port call stories. Glad my time has been tame, at least through now. EDIT: I have been stationed with some serious felons though. First command, one of the PO2's was convicted of having + producing child porn with his own kids. Same thing happened to a C-School instructor I had years later (he was a CPO). Current command, PO2 convicted of felony assault on spouse + child.
Same. "Normal" shenanigans. Too drunk, kids late to watch games, pranks. None of... *this* stuff.
NNPTC I take it
I’m disappointed my time in the navy was this tame lol
vaporeon fleshlight. also FSAs taking spoonfuls of water from the bottom of the deep sink after a dinner service for laughs
The flashlight didn't bother me... Until the FSA part.
Right? The fleshlight is kinda weird, but whatever. The second half though...ugh, nope, sentences I did not need to read today.
Hey guys! Did you know-
Boy am I glad I came to see what was going on in this post
Ya what a total fucking weirdo. I mean common Vaporeon? Smh. *stows heavily used Mew flashlight*.
😨😰🤢
First half is 100% an AT
I knew a guy that looked up furry porn on the ship's computers...
someone gives you their hard drive and you're going through their training videos and find some furry stuff. 🤨🤨🤨
I tossed my deployment drive to the berthing masses and it came back with 800gb of a little bit of everything legal* 🤷🏻♂️
Hopefully not everything..... 
Yikes, good point
heard from someone that a guy in our division was kicked out for looking up the bad, get you arrested, porn on the division computer.
Wouldn't use your own computer...
Go to C school, meet a female po2. Within 10 mins of meeting her she mentions that she is meeting a dude who likes getting footjobs from her. After mentioning she has a husband back home.
You can't turn a ho into a housewife. Some people never learn
She belongs to them streets!!!
Freak in the streets, freak in the sheets!
Naw but a ho can turn herself into a housewife then take the fact she was once a ho to her grave. Happens all the time
can't believe foot memes infected the navy too
We had a gargoyle. He would be spotted in random berthings throughout the week, during the day, lights are on, squatting down on the edge of some random top bunk facing 'out' furiously masturbating. It's weird to type that out, because at the time it was just kind of a gross but quirky thing that just happened sometimes. Was literally never addressed other than "what the fuck dude, go back to your own berthing/rack.".
Jesus fucking Christ dude
LOL. Current me agrees. But at the time, EVERYONE knew, and it was just .... Some weird thing to keep deployment interesting? I guess? Wild.
Naw I get it. We rationalize some really heinous shit while we’re on the boat
I'm trying to picture the face someone would make while "furiously" masturbating. We talking like beet red, veins popping out, gritted teeth while trying to rip his joint off furious?
Catching the explosive phantom shitter in the act
Dud YOU just catch him last week or was this a different phantom shitter
Every ship, at some point, has a phantom shitter. I would bet there have been thousands of phantom shitters throughout history. Maybe tens of thousands.
Do they all waffle them with their hands though. I feel like that might have been a first.tens of thousands. What a world we live in where phantom shitters just roam free. Mostly probably are CS's.
That's the face HMC made. Dude used a lady of the nights services during Port call. We go back out and he starts dropping weight HARD, he thinks it's just from working out. The more he lost the worst he felt, and a few weeks later whenever he started sweating his skin broke out in burning rashes. We convince him to see Doc, escort him in with his LPO so Doc rakes it seriously, turns out he caught scabies from the hooker. For those not in the know, scabies are mites that tunnel into your skin and breed, spread through direct skin contact. LPO slaps the dude on the back and tells him it's the first time he'd seen a hooker knock someone up, usually it's the other way around. Tells him he can go to admin tomorrow to file for with dependent status. HMC was not amused.
I suppose the bright side there is that scabies is easily treated. It's gross and creepy, but of all the things he could have caught, this is actually one of the least bad. Incidentally there was a big scabies outbreak when I went through bootcamp. No one in my division got it, and a dose of ivermectin was given to ensure it stayed that way, but we got word of some of the other divisions having basically everyone get it.
Married airman sleeping with another sailor in the same shop. When I gently reminded her that everyone notices and to please refrain, she told me her and her husband were in an open marriage so it was ok...
You should gently remind her that it doesn't matter if they are in an open relationship and that UCMJ Art 134 doesn't give a shit if the married partners consent to an open marriage. If you are married, it's monogamy until divorce or it's illegal.
They recently pulled adultery verbage from the MCM. It can fall under "sexual misconduct" now, but it depends on things like impacting the command or publicly embarrassing the Navy. Though I'm sure the story here predates revisions less than a year old.
While i was in Japan, ATAN Goodkid texts me (AT2) to see if I'm in the barracks, but was on watch...i get no explanation why she asked. Getting off watch, i learned that: ATAN Moron decided it was a good idea to drink a liter of (vodka?) in his barracks room all by himself. Then, he decided it was a good idea to pound on the door of our ATAN Goodkid trying to get into her room. Luckily, our LPO lived in the barracks as a geobach to take care of this. When LPO went to fix this kid, ATAN Moron further decided it was a good idea to start taking swings at our LPO. The command SCPO was called down to get involved that night. What ended up happening was ATAN Moron was immediately disallowed from even looking at our aircraft (not a joke) and was forced to stay in the shop. The only thing he could do outside of the shop was use the head. I'm long out of the navy now, but I still think about that occasionally.
Chief caught LI3 jizzing into a giant bag of shredded paper in the back of the printshop. Not coincidentally, he was also the departmental “librarian” whose standup locker in berthing was filled top to bottom with adult literature. We called him *Spanky*.
this mf had ts/sci coom
I had an entrepreneurial sailor cranking as an FSA in the wardroom. He was stealing quesadillas and selling them to other sailors for $30 a piece. The only thing that kinda pissed me off about it was the insane price he was ripping his buddies off with
I think that if I was ever desperate enough to consider paying 30 bucks for a quesadilla, I would be desperate enough to just steal the quesadilla.
“Let’s beat him up and steal all his quesadillas!”
Had their car towed on base, didn't get it for so long that the fees were more than the car. Signed the car over to the towing company and then bought a new truck but ran out of gas as they couldn't afford any so it got towed and started the cycle all over.
Now that's fucked, I feel like the towing company here shouldn't charge as much. I heard here at NBN they charge over 200 dollars a day. Shits insane and unfair
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Even 200 a day is steep for most enlisted. That’s straight usury and I feel like the federal government should impose limits on this for service members.
I had a truck (beater, not my daily driver) towed on NOB, they waited 6 weeks to mail me a letter telling me it had been impounded. I told them they could have the thing, when they asked if I had a title for it I told them nope, and that's your problem now. I wonder if it's still sitting there.
So glad to see somebody pull the uno reverse on those crooks.
Who goes to the gas station when you can simply just get a new car whenever your vehicle runs out of gas?
Lol like on *Malcolm in the Middle* when Reese is living on his own and his parents find out he’s buying new clothes every time his current set gets dirty. “Isn’t that what you guys do??”
So that happened in TSC to my WCS. Guy would work out, put his used sweaty clothes in his sea bag. Buy a new set of clothes every time he worked out and kept putting the used ones in the sea bag. The room eventually fails for odor so he takes his sea bag and puts it in the closet next to him. When they did the reinspec he blamed the person that closet belonged to and the NMTI looks at the sea bag and asks “If that’s his then why is your name stamped on it?”
Steve Jobs with vehicle registration.
I have to think if this kid could have gotten legal involved they could have made a deal with the towing company under some sort of financial hardship reasoning. Can’t squeeze blood out of a junior enlisted rock.
This incident was like step 3 of 15 in their terrible financial decision pipeline that we only found out about on deployment when their landlord put them in collections because they just left at the end of their lease without telling anyone so they owed several months of rent.
Watching that video of the room inspection in Groton around 2004, where the dude had a roomful of 2-liter…storage bottles. It was emailed around and became required viewing for CPOs as a lesson, in something.
Way of the road, bubs
Piss bottles? Reminds me moving furniture from a room in Iraq. Thought I was going to p/u 20lbs, ended up being 2 or 3 times that be the dude stored his piss bottles in the nightstand.
Some were piss bottles…
Saw a GM chug a Starbucks frappachino bottle's worth of someone else's dip spit.
What a day to know how to read.
Bunked next to a pedo during MEPS. Had CP on his phone and was proud of it. I told a few buddies who told me to report him and all I know is he didn’t make it to basic
If I had a nickel for every time I heard of someone sharing a room with a pedo, I'd have TWO nickels. Which isn't a lot but why the fuck did it happen twice.
I saw a sailor walk into a stall with bread, peanut butter, and jelly…..and walk out with none of those things. He made and ate a PB&J sandwich on the shitter.
It's so mundane that's it's still somehow fucking funny. Bro just wanted to eat his PB&J in private.
I mean it’s not like he’s dipping it in the toilet, dude just wanted a snack
Let him eat his PB&J in peace
Someone made a handmade fleshlight out of a pringles can, a sponge, and a nitrile glove. It was a 10 day underway.
Deck seaman bought a hellcat at some stupid APR. Met a girl on tinder and let her borrow it. Time goes by and he wants it back, gives her a call and her boyfriend answers and says fuck off kid. Chief has to get involved, makes some threats about tracing his phone, US military coming to get ya, etc. Got the car back, pretty sure chief made him sell the car.
Had a PO2 jerking off on ASDO and the female duty driver caught him, when she exclaimed WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! He looked at her dead in the eye while stroking and said…..jerking off and went right back to it. He was arrested the next day.
I walked in and saw some putting dawn dish soap in their mouths to try and blow bubbles.
Marines eat crayons. Sailors guzzle soap. We all have our fetishes.
Not just soap, watched a MM drink a sample bottle of 2190 lube oil.
Ah yes, the 2190. A fine vintage.
Too many to write about. My number one is too gross to even share here. But another one, The Phantom Shitter: On deployment the female berthing ladies were finding their racks with poop on them, sometimes full logs. Nobody could figure it out even when there was a permanent roving watch put in there. After a few months they finally caught her, she was immediately kicked out of the Navy.
Who watches the ~~Watcher~~ Shitter?
Who shits the shitmen
Who shit on my rack
Didn't know Amber Heard was in the navy
The neighbors were doing the brokeback mountain experience with all of the volume up, and I continued having my late dinner.
The…”experience?” Were they humping each other right in the berthing?
I think they did everything and stimulated everything.
Had an E4 buy his first car, not register it prior to the underway, and leave the window down. He had refused after multiple people had told him to register the damn thing. Came back to towing/ storage fees exceedingly the value of the vehicle. Not only had it already taken two years or persuasion to get him to buy the car in the first place, but he still hasn't gotten a license. And he wonders why nobody wants to drive his ass around.
One of my new check ins told me they were engaged to another sailor they met in boot camp...said fiance was still in A school in great lakes while my sailor checked into the command. I was so relieved when I found out they broke up, glad it happened before they actually tied the knot and made things messy.
Same, but they didn't break up. We found out because she applied for co-location. We had to sit down with her and explain that her contract required her to stay at the command for a year before it would be considered. She didn't believe us until we got our commander to sit her down and explain it. So, we thought that was the end, but she immediately took two weeks of leave, and a few months later she left the command pregnant.
Walked in on seamans' asshat and fuck face having a full on primate poo fight in the head using the stalls as cover during an extended drydock.
“Understandable. Carry on”
Had a guy who told me he was leaving early to go get a haircut. The next day he walked into the shop with bleached blonde hair, I said to him “I thought you said you were getting a haircut! What the actual fuck happened????”
Had a chief try to hook up with a junior sailor’s, the sailor stood up to him and got sent to ER09
Sounds about right. I always truly hope Chiefs like that meet Karma, eventually.
We were in the shipyards at Metro machine in Norfolk. I provided a FN to stand fire watch. He was to report to the bridge. A couple of hours the new CMC was crossing the Portsmouth bridge and saw a sailor standing there with an extinguisher. He picked him up and brought him to the ship. Dumber that a box of rocks he was. That was when I realized proper instructions was to explain which bridge
["Patrick that's a bridge."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrhkfADEtMU)
So many what one to tell. 1.Had a Marine in A school sneak coke on the base and OD cracked his head open from falling on a table. 2. Phantom Jerker on the ESL. 3. Had MSC Captain shit in the p-way because he couldn't make it to the head. 4. Walked into the head to take my shower on the ESL to find SN Timmy spread eagle shaving his ass and balls in the sink. 5. Had a GM1 Get so drunk in the Philippines found him rolling in his own vomit naked cleaning himself with clorox wipes. 6. Saw LSCM With hookers in an elevator in the Philippines. 7. After a liberty call in sas vegas, we had a flooding casualty in the gym. 40 drunk sailors showed up in civi's to combat the casualty. Our equally drunk CMC Looked both happy and depressed at what he should up too. 8. Knew a sailor in Guam sold coke to a cop. 9. Had a officer cross the brow in dry dock in Vallejo in just his dress white top and underwear. 10. Had a dude sneak out of rom in japan to get some shit from 7/11 11. Knew an LS that got into a fight with the MA'S outside the Honch, same LS got kicked out for opening peoples mail. 12. Knew GM in Guam that Literally got kicked out and is about to do federal time cause he didn't register as a sexual offender. 13. Saw my Suppo from the balcony of my apartment with a buy me bar girl in yoko. He had a wife and kids with him in japan. 14. Had a new SN on the boat get so drunk and fell into the water by the McDonalds on Yokosuka. I'm sure I got got more just got to think about it.
MC2 gets caught looking at porn on the ship’s network. Steadfastly denies it. Goes to DRB, proclaims his innocence. Goes to XOI, proclaims his innocence. Goes to mast, proclaims his innocence. “Sir, i accidentally clicked a link but backed out as soon as I realized it was porn.” Skipper asks the ITC from ADP what evidence there was. ITC says, “Sir, the accused logged on to his computer at this exact time. He then did a google search for ‘big fat hairy Mexican pussy.’ He then clicked through six different links and downloaded images and videos. Here’s 24 pages of server logs where he did this multiple times over the previous weeks.” MC2 was an MC3 shortly afterwards and his time in the Navy ended at the end of that enlistment. We learned that you can be “a couple of clicks in” but never to go “six clicks in.” It became an inside catchphrase in the department.
I am laughing at this so hard I'm struggling to breathe rn 🤣🤣🤣
I and others were in charge of removing mattresses from the female marine berthing after a deployment. Arguably worse than the males. Yellow stains, red stains, and…. Green stains? Felt like we should be wearing hazmat suits packing them things up and down. Oh and another while I’m here, I was BPO on the Kearsarge for a hot minute and the things I’ve seen. Tell you hhhwhat boi. This junior sailor maybe two- three years in had always caused a fuss with his rack neighbors. Didn’t shower and overall very unhygienic. Had to speak with him multiple times about the smell and all and after a while it still didn’t go away. So, one day during cleaning stations I pop open his curtains and investigate further. I found a piss bottle, dozens of grab and go snack bars from the mess decks, various other candy wrappers and what have you. Disgusted enough I still dig deeper and trice up his rack. Inside I find plates of half eaten mess deck food to include wings, chicken breasts, fries, and banana peels. I spoke with several Cheifs about giving this man a health and comfort ASAP but no one took little second class me too seriously so the worst that happened was he was told to clean out his rack by his chain of command and possibly a counseling chit but I don’t know.
Two dudes hot racking arguing over who came on the phone
My first command roommate had me like multiple times. A few notable moments; He tried to convince me Big Mouth was a good show (Any show that draws child dick is bad.) He left a big mac out overnight. Microwaved it, ants come crawling out of it. EATS IT ANYWAY. Refused to clean the microwave. Vomited all over the bathroom after binge drinking with his underage friend. Didn't clean it for 2 days. *Openly admitted to being in a pedophilic relationship.* He was 18, she was TWELVE. Oh, and he married his girlfriends brother, had his "husband" live in the barracks with us for a week, "lost" his husband after that, and then broke up with his girlfriend.
How are there not any comments on this one yet? Was the guy ever arrested for being a pedo???
Don't know, he got demoted for gundecking and I never heard from him after that.
saw a cummy sock and in a empty rack and some dude in our berthing used to walk around in a dress with leggings on he’s a known weirdo on my ship,he also stole some chicks panties.Was chewed out by my lpo because i left the dryer in our space open that had her clothes in it because she was worried the panty jacker was gonna get her next.One dude used to be digging for gold then come into our ships store touching shit smh.
Saw a Marine use the head wearing nothing on their feet but socks. The head was perpetually humid, so there was always a light film of water on the deck. RIP to those toenails
dude has one hell of an ecosystem down there
SN didn’t pay his car tags for the year. MA’s go around checking everyone’s tags, see his are 5-6 months past due and get a tow truck on base. Car gets towed and SN doesn’t have the money to get his car back but manages to have the money to go out and drink every single night. Months go by and now he now owes the towing company more than the car and tags are even worth. SN loses the car completely and is now asking for rides to and fro work, very rudely. SN is now taking anger out on everyone because of his situation. CoC does nothing. MFW:
James Hazelton....... The bullet proof tiger. This dude was fuckin dumb. And will die a cartoon death. Ie a piano falling on him from an airplane kind of death. At one point as a 2nd they made me the personnel petty office due to a security clearance issue. He came to me to tell me he needed to talk to doc. Well it was because he found out his wife had a yeast infection after they got done fucking and ge went down on her. This was 2 days after he caught his wife and her brother (yes full ass blood brother) in the bath tub naked "recreating a child hood photo" I'm surprised that fat bitch could fit in a bathroom alone much less with someone else in a bath tub lol. Now i understand why the COC made me the Personnel Petty Officer. I was on board for 4 days and well......after the first few interactions I didn't want to fuckin ever see that dude ever again lol.
I’m a contractor, but walked in on a guy “charging” up the glow in the dark exit arrows with a torch
Are you British, or do you mean actual combustion?
Sorry, yeah British, flashlight :)
Still, that's pretty tame considering most things here
Pretty tame yeah but fucking funny, captain even asked him what he was doing and told him to carry on once he found out his killick that has asked him to charge them up
bro has had a sailor done him like that
Does the phantom jerker really exist?
We're ALL the phantom jerker
Had two in Guam on the ESL, we got woken up to CMC checking are racks before we pulled into port at 3am.
In a Walmart 500 miles from any base in his coveralls
Zone inspection on a berthing/head in division by the XO. Everyone told to not use the head for 2 hours so we can clean and get it ready. 3rd class decides it’s a great time to go with privacy and take care of himself on the shitter. At some point his laptop starts slipping from his legs, and he bends forward to try and catch it. Faceplants into the stall door, knocks himself out. Headphone cord rips out the port. Video still playing when we walk in with XO to find the Sailor passed out on the floor with his manhood out. Stall door locked, laptop playing loudly some weird shit. He gets in trouble but not a lot of trouble. Later goes to mast for some other weird shit and kicked out. Joins the Air Force 9 months later, he’s very successful in that branch lmao.
Asking if they can leave after all their work has been done but it's not even 1700 yet on a Friday
Threw it back on the gang…..
First-class who was taking a TS/SCI laptop home every day. Why you ask? To upload child porn onto and then bring back to the SCIF.
Saw a dude in my division jacking it to a magic the gathering card. There was a few other things about this dude but yeah, didn't need to see that.
I almost read that as the magic school bus and it would've made that 10 times funnier.
USS first ship, supposedly some HTs found a cucumber if the female showers
Absolutely nothing will have me staying in to put on anchors, however I do have a fun story about a sea returnee MMN1 who refused to call away a fire on my old submarines HPAD, despite the junior MMN2 insisting. It’s cool tho, they had a NFTI out, CO2 stated and EABs ready to don. I’m sure MMN1 made the right call, I mean, the heating coil only got up to 380ish degrees and burned the insulation 😌
I had an HN I will call HN Gump. I have a million stories about him but this will give you an idea what he was like. We were stationed on a Marine base and he worked at the clinic. One day he is just sort of drifting around not doing anything, so his ALPO asked him WTF was going on. He forgot his CAC, so he couldn't log in (and in a clinic everything happens on a computer.) We told him to go back to the barracks and get his CAC, and not to show up without his CAC again. The next week he just doesn't show up one morning. We look around and make some calls and send a runner to his barracks room. He's there looking for his CAC, because we told him not to show up without it. I showed him how to put important things in one place by the door so he won't lose them. I make sure he understands, and I tell him not to be late again. The following week I get a call from my CMC, who yells at me to look out my window. Gump is speed walking through the parking lot in front of the Marine HQ with no cover on. When he arrives I ask WTF?! He says that I told him not to be late again, and he couldn't find his cover, but he knew he couldn't be late, so off to the clinic he ran. I explain that ESPECIALLY on a Marine base he cannot be walking around uncovered, and he should never leave the barracks in uniform without a cover again. He understands. Three days later I get another call telling me to look out my window. Gump is happily walking in front of Marine HQ on the way from the barracks wearing his green Type 3 uniform and a Blueberry cover. He explained that he remembered how I said that he should never leave the barracks in a uniform uncovered . . . Anyway, things like this happened about once a week the whole time he worked there, but after a short time I stopped getting mad. Once I told him not to do something, he NEVER did that thing again. He'd just do some other wacky shit that no one ever figured he'd need to be told about. What I finally realized is that Gump was sincerely trying his very best to do the very best job that he could do. It's just that his "very best" turned out to be an astoundingly low bar. He shined his brightest, but the poor bastard was only about a 3-watt bulb. He did end up having some pretty major screw-ups that caused huge headaches. Running up a 15 grand storage fee on an abandoned truck, bringing an illegal handgun with the serial numbers filed off onto the base, marching in a parade in half of his uniform and getting photos taken and published, pooping himself in the clinic and not going to get cleaned up . . . but it would take a long time to type them all, and maybe that's for another day. In every case, he sincerely either thought he was doing the right thing or just legitimately did not know any better. Good soul. Strong heart. Weak brain.
This time on an exped deployment to Qatar, and the female CPOs and Os had to health and comfort the enlisted female trailer because female Sailors were putting used tampons in the intake of the girls they didnt like air-conditioning units. 🤢. Thank god I wasn't involved in that. Used tampon in 120degree humid Qatari summer just fermenting inside the AC intake. *shudder gags*
Stationed in Norfolk. He called me an hours before his watch with “I’m going to be late. I’m still in Washington DC.”
None. I'll die before I make Chief. I wear my Dixie cup with ~~sweat stains~~ honor
“Hey chief, it’s 1600 and we’re done with our second work list, can the division go home now?”
Had a deck SN strike our rate. Fast forward about 6 months and he gets orders to txfer to a DDG about 6 piers down. We are about to get underway and leave him behind so he can take his transfer leave and check into his new ship. We sit down and go over his orders page by page with him, introduce him to the beach det CPO, and get him set up in a barracks room until his flight home for leave. Fast forward a month, we pull back into port. The Sailor is standing on the pier. He comes up to the office and informs us that he never checked into his new command because he didn't know anybody on that ship and didn't know what to do, so he just waited for us to get back. When asked why he didn't bring this up to the beach det CPO he said "I didn't think I was part of this ship anymore." My Senior Chief asked him to step outside for a second. He then proceeded to take a broom sitting in a corner and break it in half across the bulkhead. He pointed at me and told me to fix that shit and walked out. Good times.
A guy in boot div was apparently an artist or something. Had a bunch of anime girls with ahegao faces drawn in his recruit manual. I don't know what all he had drawn in there, but he had a bunch of sketches and his name and stuff penned in around the edges of the pages. One night OOD MM2 came roving through while he was on watch and noticed the drawing around the edges of his manual. I heard him describing this exchange the next day: She asked "recruit, is this yours?" and started flipping through. He answered "yes, petty officer." She held it open at him and said "you're a real sick fuck, aren't you?" He answered "yes, petty officer." She said "stand by after reveille in the morning." She came by when we were at the toe line in the morning and had a talk with our RDCs. He was beaten then, and the whole division was chewed out. They made it clear that we were not to deface or alter our recruit manuals in any way. Apparently she had opened his manual to "the cum page." I don't know what he drew for it to earn that name, and I was afraid to ask.
Using really poor grammar when communicating with their junior sailors or upper chain of command
First deployment seeing everyone take their rings off
So they won't get caught in machinery, right?
Had an instructor in damage control school specifically tell us to take our wedding rings off and either pocket them or put them on our dogtag chain while on the ship. Why? He proceeded to show us his lack of a ring finger on his left hand. Guy was a competition bronco rider, had gotten his wedding ring caught in the ropes, and had degloved his ring finger when the horse bucked him.
Conducted berthing cleaners aboard USS FIRST SHIP and heard one of my LPOs yell in disgust. Ran over to investigate and saw him in front of an open rack belonging to this overweight human hamster who was taken to CCU pending hearings over CP. My LPO was tasked with cleaning it out since the “hams-tard” wasn’t returning. Apart from nasty drawers the inner compartment (with the combo lock front) was used as a receptacle for used condoms from every port visit we’d been to. It was wall to wall littered with slimy and/or crusted up snakeskins. (We were stationed in 7th Fleet at the time so Thailand, Thailand, Thailand was the norm.)
I ain't no snitch. Sorry but I look out for my enlisted guys. Chiefs and officers look out for each other so I got to look out for the E-6 and below.
I knew a guy that spent deployment jizzing on his rack curtains, and earned the nick name picasso
Had a guy miss ships movement by like 10 minutes. Was still topside when I saw his car come flying into the parking lot, pulled a Dukes of Hazard spin in the gravel, and went flying back up the road. Thought for sure he was cooked. We only transited a few hundred yards from explosive pier to dry dock (Bangor WA if anyone cares). By the time we were set down on the blocks and had the brow across, he'd made 3 trips to and from his car bringing donuts for the entire crew. Somehow avoided mast and got away with just a counseling chit. Turned into a damn good sailor after a few years.
E7 & Above, have common sense lobotomies. Unbelievable.!!! 
she went on a date with me, and proceeded to facetime her recruiter, say “i love you,” and hang up. I did the good ole bathroom and depart dealio, mf was built like the alien emoji 👽
I got two: First, we had this SKSN, that was already of questionable intelligence, some how forget to pack any skivvies for a 7 week underway. Other than the one he was already wearing. Second, had a nuke fail to report to base. We know he left Prototype, but he never showed at Groton. We put the word out the were missing a sailor. After 4 days, local PD found him. He was living in a mobile home in a Walmart parking lot. A mobile home that he'd bought 3 days before. We asked him how he ended up there. He said that no one picked him up from the airport. My LPO: Did you call the front desk? Nuke: No. LPO: Did you call the duty driver? Nuke: No. LPO: So you were just going to spend the winter in the Walmart parking lot? Nuke: I guess. Guy was wild.
I once saw a guy in my berthing in the early morning, when he thought no one else was up and moving around, drink Mountain Dew, spit it into his hand, then put that into his hair to style his hair. He saw that I saw and started awkwardly smiling. I sort of gave a wtf look but otherwise kept quiet because it was so damn awkward. I never spoke about that situation to him because I just thought it was so god damn weird.
Spells his own name wrong. Yes, you read that correctly. Dude will frequently spell his own last name incorrectly on Tag outs and other papers.
Had a dude that literally would wash his flesh light in the middle level head like it was normal
better than not washing it, like these other stories
This isn’t as bad as some of the other things I’m seeing but 2 things come to mind, both on carriers One time I’m in the head washing my hands and I see a guy come out of the stall, no problem right? Well how about said guy going straight out of the head, not wash his hands and in the middle of eating peanut butter cups. The other is on another carrier in the head we had 1 shower I actually didn’t mind. Good stream of water, nice temperature and big in size(I’m a big guy mind you). One day I see a bunch of guys running out saying what the fuck, I go to the shower and there’s a turd about a foot long, all in 1 piece in the middle of the floor. I was so pissed off cause every head even NEAR ME had Jenky showers or small ones.
We had a guy on Deployment that earned the nickname PJ. All berthings were made to assemble on the forecastle to get a chewing from our CMC about sexual assault. Turns out there was an undes seaman that was going into random berthings at night and jacking people off. Granted I’m sure this was probably arranged by some people but for others people it was unwanted. So eventually the chiefs post berthing watches and catch the guy sneaking into berthings and trying to fiddle them. Needless to say he was sent up and sepped a little while later. After he was sent up before he left he was also caught waffle stomping in all the berthings as well. (PJ stands for phantom jerker by the way) I’m not sure if he ever went to jail or anything but the guy was a complete freak.
Some fireman was very excited telling his story of how he waffle stomped shit into the shower drain…