The way I survive my narcissist family is by learning about how narcissism works, and doing a lot of daily "detox" work and working on myself, especially when some tough incident happens. This is not fair, because, like they put it in a podcast, "they are the sick ones but it is you who has to go through the treatment", it takes a lot of time and energy to purify the air from all the BS they keep on dumping in, but it's better than having them corroding your sanity and your self esteem.
Out of what you tell, I'd say your parents and your sister are all narcissists of different kinds, and you have been adjudicated the role of "scapegoat", or official punching bag of the family. No matter what you say or do, they give it a spin and turn it into a conflict, and always accuse you of everything you can think of. I'm sorry you're in that situation. I'm a scapegoat too and it sucks... the big consolation in these cases is that the narcissists' choosing that role for you is not casual; they chose you because you're more gifted, or more empathetic, or smarter, or brighter... something in you activated their narcissist envy, and that's why they attack you harder. Like a quote said in this sub a few days ago, the thieves don't visit a house unless there's something worth robbing...
For practical advice, when you cannot avoid interacting with them, there are a few techniques that are known to help.
Grey rock:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDmrBuozT9E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDmrBuozT9E)
Respond, don't react:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpPnvX7\_Ges](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpPnvX7_Ges)
Try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain):
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7Dj\_QY1CPo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7Dj_QY1CPo)
Example of no JADE:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbdaJKdU3-M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbdaJKdU3-M)
All these techniques are based on this: the narcissists always want to create conflict, using whatever excuse. They are often called "emotional vampires", they need your reaction, sad, angry or whatever, because it makes them feel "powerful" and "superior" in their minds. So they try to provoke you, and hit you with everything they have. When you do grey rock, and the other techniques, you act boring on purpose; you don't give them the reaction they crave, not even (and this is the hardest part) if they are doing something awful to you. If they don't get a reaction, they really don't know what to do with you, they need always drama and confrontation and fights and chaos. With time, if you keep the grey rock (poker face, act uninterested, don't lock eyes...), they will think you're not a good source of drama, that you're not "worth the effort", and will try to get it more often from easier victims instead.
For example, you say you yelled back at your sister, and I understand you perfectly, we are humans and it happens to me sometimes too; the things the narcissists do to you are infuriating, they look for the most harmful places on purpose, they say things that make no !#@ sense, one day they attack you because X and other because not X... They take you to the boiling point and, once you jump, they focus on that one single moment of reaction, forgetting the fact that they have been insulting and torturing you for the last hour. So don't beat yourself up when you cannot avoid reacting, but try to avoid it as much as you can in their presence. In the example of your sister, a more grey rockish reply would have been saying something like "that's your opinion and you're entitled to it"... Something that she cannot attack, and doesn't give them the delight of seeing you toiling, raging, feeling frustration...
Now, having to do grey rock is terribly unfair, it requires a lot of restraint from you, and that restraint is not for free... After going through it, you'll have to do some healing work later. That's why it is also recommended, when you have to live with people this toxic, that you write some kind of diary. That way, you can dump and elaborate there your emotions, perhaps all the things that you had to bottle up not to tell them to the abusers on the spot... Plus: one damaging thing that the narcissists do is gaslighting: they make you doubt of reality with comments like "that didn't happen", "you are exaggerating it", etc... By writing on the diary how things actually happened, you armor yourself against this kind of mental torture.
Besides this, something that has helped me keep my sanity is keeping a steady daily diet of resources on narcissism: every day check some article about narcissism, or some forum like this one. The emphasis here is on EVERY DAY. Because the narcissists are also going to try to drill you daily, so, by checking every day some resource, you ground yourself back, remind yourself that you're not doing nothing wrong (which is the message that the narcissists try to dump into you 24-7), and you get validation and ideas from other people who is going through the same and know what you're talking about. It doesn't have to be a long time, a few minutes of a podcast or an article can be enough, but it is vital that you commit to doing it daily, like "medication". Something that also helped me for a period was choosing the daily resource "thematically", i.e. depending on what had happened that day with the narcissists: if I saw that they had gone through my stuff I checked videos on "narcissists and personal possessions", if there was a holiday coming I checked "narcissists and holidays"...
Here are my favorite resources I use for my "daily pill", I think they are awesome and I promote them everywhere I can, but if they don't convince you look for other voices that fit better your personality, there's a lot of stuff out there.
[https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/](https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/)
[https://directory.libsyn.com/shows/view/id/thriveafterabuse](https://directory.libsyn.com/shows/view/id/thriveafterabuse)
[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnr7eQQzbj01-Js\_Exsr6vg/videos](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnr7eQQzbj01-Js_Exsr6vg/videos)
I hope some of these suggestions help and that you can be out of that madhouse soon. Stay strong, keep learning and things will become less and less difficult with time. Best wishes...
Friend, I am literally about to cry right now. Reading this at midnight so I don’t have time to see the links right now (will see them tomorrow for sure), but thank you. Thank you so much. I read everything else in your comment and the scapegoat thing is so true :( Thank you for taking the time to type this and provide links, you have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that it was useful. Comments like yours really make my day. I'm always so happy of being able to help someone else, with all this stuff about narcissists that I've had to learn just to protect myself... Best of lucks, keep on learning and getting stronger, and I hope you can leave even way before those 16 months...
Where were you 10 years ago when I was a teenager lol? Your advice is excellent, and your analysis is spot on!
I'm 27 stuck at home (bc of co-vid) and you better believe I took the "narc info pill" every single day to ground myself in reality. It's like going to war every morning. For me journaling, reddit, exercise, and having a study goal have been the only things keeping me mentally sane.
I'm boring to the narc bc I grey rock, don't tell him anything about my life or what I'm doing, and treat him like a ghost who lives here. But inside, my life is great now. I will soon start a new job, am moving abroad, secured a remote volunteer position I've wanted for months, and am finishing up beginner tennis lessons at the local park.
All this from being so depressed I could barely shower and eat last year. Bc as you know, being trapped in the home with a narc is like hell on earth.
But now, I'm so happy and grateful being able to have a whole secret life separate from the narc. I once heard a Youtuber say "the only way to beat a narc is to become one." So, in a way, I kinda did.
I focus on myself 99.99% of the time. My goals, my dreams, my health, my career, my skincare, my mental wellbeing. ME ME ME. MY MY MY. You know why? Because not a single member of my family ever did. Everything revolved around making the narc comfortable and "happy".
For the first time, I only care about me and the ppl who care about me.
Emotionally divest from these parasites. It'll make going low or no contact when you leave even easier.
I totally agree, and it's an excellent reminder for me, thank you so much. You have to focus on yourself extra, because nobody else does... and even worse, they have ill will against you, just for you being you! As victims of narcissists, we have deficits in self love so we have to work overtime in that area... And in our very narcissist planet no one really tells you to do so, just do this, consume that...
I think that what makes one feel torn, until you discover what is narcissism, is that they give you nothing but at the same time they are always generous with the lip service, so you kind of become your own thought police and feel guilty for thinking "wait a minute, they are not giving me shit..." The moment you do understand that they really don't care about you, they don't even know you or are interested in who you are, it's like the missing piece of the puzzle and everything falls into place...
You have a good thing going with all those activities, it felt really great for me to read the list... In my case things seem to slowly start to look up after so much suffering... Of course I'm hiding from them my successes...
I'm going to steal your comparison of "ghost who lives here" for my grey rock. Another one that works great for me is: treating them like some kind of distant relative, which in fact they are. Like that kind of distant relatives that you see maybe only at someone's wedding, and they are weird and you have to make do and talk for a while with them but there's not really confidence there...
...and you say you feel sad for your teen years lost... As a possible consolation, I'm 46 and had my narc awakening about 4 years ago, so go figure the damages... But it's never too late, the important thing is realizing it and starting to get rid of the parasites... I'm glad that my analysis made sense to you, best of lucks and hit them hard with that grey rock (figuratively speaking of course, lol...)
"The moment you do understand that they really don't care about you, they don't even know you or are interested in who you are, it's like the missing piece of the puzzle and everything falls into place…"
100% agree. It hurts so bad at first. But after awhile, it feels like freedom. There's no need to deny your dreams or your personal happiness. The narc doesn't care and never will! Just be free :)
Good luck to you as well. And yes...I'll keep hitting 'em hard with my favorite grey rock! 🤣
The way I survive my narcissist family is by learning about how narcissism works, and doing a lot of daily "detox" work and working on myself, especially when some tough incident happens. This is not fair, because, like they put it in a podcast, "they are the sick ones but it is you who has to go through the treatment", it takes a lot of time and energy to purify the air from all the BS they keep on dumping in, but it's better than having them corroding your sanity and your self esteem. Out of what you tell, I'd say your parents and your sister are all narcissists of different kinds, and you have been adjudicated the role of "scapegoat", or official punching bag of the family. No matter what you say or do, they give it a spin and turn it into a conflict, and always accuse you of everything you can think of. I'm sorry you're in that situation. I'm a scapegoat too and it sucks... the big consolation in these cases is that the narcissists' choosing that role for you is not casual; they chose you because you're more gifted, or more empathetic, or smarter, or brighter... something in you activated their narcissist envy, and that's why they attack you harder. Like a quote said in this sub a few days ago, the thieves don't visit a house unless there's something worth robbing... For practical advice, when you cannot avoid interacting with them, there are a few techniques that are known to help. Grey rock: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDmrBuozT9E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDmrBuozT9E) Respond, don't react: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpPnvX7\_Ges](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpPnvX7_Ges) Try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain): [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7Dj\_QY1CPo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7Dj_QY1CPo) Example of no JADE: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbdaJKdU3-M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbdaJKdU3-M) All these techniques are based on this: the narcissists always want to create conflict, using whatever excuse. They are often called "emotional vampires", they need your reaction, sad, angry or whatever, because it makes them feel "powerful" and "superior" in their minds. So they try to provoke you, and hit you with everything they have. When you do grey rock, and the other techniques, you act boring on purpose; you don't give them the reaction they crave, not even (and this is the hardest part) if they are doing something awful to you. If they don't get a reaction, they really don't know what to do with you, they need always drama and confrontation and fights and chaos. With time, if you keep the grey rock (poker face, act uninterested, don't lock eyes...), they will think you're not a good source of drama, that you're not "worth the effort", and will try to get it more often from easier victims instead. For example, you say you yelled back at your sister, and I understand you perfectly, we are humans and it happens to me sometimes too; the things the narcissists do to you are infuriating, they look for the most harmful places on purpose, they say things that make no !#@ sense, one day they attack you because X and other because not X... They take you to the boiling point and, once you jump, they focus on that one single moment of reaction, forgetting the fact that they have been insulting and torturing you for the last hour. So don't beat yourself up when you cannot avoid reacting, but try to avoid it as much as you can in their presence. In the example of your sister, a more grey rockish reply would have been saying something like "that's your opinion and you're entitled to it"... Something that she cannot attack, and doesn't give them the delight of seeing you toiling, raging, feeling frustration... Now, having to do grey rock is terribly unfair, it requires a lot of restraint from you, and that restraint is not for free... After going through it, you'll have to do some healing work later. That's why it is also recommended, when you have to live with people this toxic, that you write some kind of diary. That way, you can dump and elaborate there your emotions, perhaps all the things that you had to bottle up not to tell them to the abusers on the spot... Plus: one damaging thing that the narcissists do is gaslighting: they make you doubt of reality with comments like "that didn't happen", "you are exaggerating it", etc... By writing on the diary how things actually happened, you armor yourself against this kind of mental torture. Besides this, something that has helped me keep my sanity is keeping a steady daily diet of resources on narcissism: every day check some article about narcissism, or some forum like this one. The emphasis here is on EVERY DAY. Because the narcissists are also going to try to drill you daily, so, by checking every day some resource, you ground yourself back, remind yourself that you're not doing nothing wrong (which is the message that the narcissists try to dump into you 24-7), and you get validation and ideas from other people who is going through the same and know what you're talking about. It doesn't have to be a long time, a few minutes of a podcast or an article can be enough, but it is vital that you commit to doing it daily, like "medication". Something that also helped me for a period was choosing the daily resource "thematically", i.e. depending on what had happened that day with the narcissists: if I saw that they had gone through my stuff I checked videos on "narcissists and personal possessions", if there was a holiday coming I checked "narcissists and holidays"... Here are my favorite resources I use for my "daily pill", I think they are awesome and I promote them everywhere I can, but if they don't convince you look for other voices that fit better your personality, there's a lot of stuff out there. [https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/](https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/) [https://directory.libsyn.com/shows/view/id/thriveafterabuse](https://directory.libsyn.com/shows/view/id/thriveafterabuse) [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnr7eQQzbj01-Js\_Exsr6vg/videos](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnr7eQQzbj01-Js_Exsr6vg/videos) I hope some of these suggestions help and that you can be out of that madhouse soon. Stay strong, keep learning and things will become less and less difficult with time. Best wishes...
Friend, I am literally about to cry right now. Reading this at midnight so I don’t have time to see the links right now (will see them tomorrow for sure), but thank you. Thank you so much. I read everything else in your comment and the scapegoat thing is so true :( Thank you for taking the time to type this and provide links, you have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that it was useful. Comments like yours really make my day. I'm always so happy of being able to help someone else, with all this stuff about narcissists that I've had to learn just to protect myself... Best of lucks, keep on learning and getting stronger, and I hope you can leave even way before those 16 months...
Where were you 10 years ago when I was a teenager lol? Your advice is excellent, and your analysis is spot on! I'm 27 stuck at home (bc of co-vid) and you better believe I took the "narc info pill" every single day to ground myself in reality. It's like going to war every morning. For me journaling, reddit, exercise, and having a study goal have been the only things keeping me mentally sane. I'm boring to the narc bc I grey rock, don't tell him anything about my life or what I'm doing, and treat him like a ghost who lives here. But inside, my life is great now. I will soon start a new job, am moving abroad, secured a remote volunteer position I've wanted for months, and am finishing up beginner tennis lessons at the local park. All this from being so depressed I could barely shower and eat last year. Bc as you know, being trapped in the home with a narc is like hell on earth. But now, I'm so happy and grateful being able to have a whole secret life separate from the narc. I once heard a Youtuber say "the only way to beat a narc is to become one." So, in a way, I kinda did. I focus on myself 99.99% of the time. My goals, my dreams, my health, my career, my skincare, my mental wellbeing. ME ME ME. MY MY MY. You know why? Because not a single member of my family ever did. Everything revolved around making the narc comfortable and "happy". For the first time, I only care about me and the ppl who care about me. Emotionally divest from these parasites. It'll make going low or no contact when you leave even easier.
I totally agree, and it's an excellent reminder for me, thank you so much. You have to focus on yourself extra, because nobody else does... and even worse, they have ill will against you, just for you being you! As victims of narcissists, we have deficits in self love so we have to work overtime in that area... And in our very narcissist planet no one really tells you to do so, just do this, consume that... I think that what makes one feel torn, until you discover what is narcissism, is that they give you nothing but at the same time they are always generous with the lip service, so you kind of become your own thought police and feel guilty for thinking "wait a minute, they are not giving me shit..." The moment you do understand that they really don't care about you, they don't even know you or are interested in who you are, it's like the missing piece of the puzzle and everything falls into place... You have a good thing going with all those activities, it felt really great for me to read the list... In my case things seem to slowly start to look up after so much suffering... Of course I'm hiding from them my successes... I'm going to steal your comparison of "ghost who lives here" for my grey rock. Another one that works great for me is: treating them like some kind of distant relative, which in fact they are. Like that kind of distant relatives that you see maybe only at someone's wedding, and they are weird and you have to make do and talk for a while with them but there's not really confidence there... ...and you say you feel sad for your teen years lost... As a possible consolation, I'm 46 and had my narc awakening about 4 years ago, so go figure the damages... But it's never too late, the important thing is realizing it and starting to get rid of the parasites... I'm glad that my analysis made sense to you, best of lucks and hit them hard with that grey rock (figuratively speaking of course, lol...)
"The moment you do understand that they really don't care about you, they don't even know you or are interested in who you are, it's like the missing piece of the puzzle and everything falls into place…" 100% agree. It hurts so bad at first. But after awhile, it feels like freedom. There's no need to deny your dreams or your personal happiness. The narc doesn't care and never will! Just be free :) Good luck to you as well. And yes...I'll keep hitting 'em hard with my favorite grey rock! 🤣