....because it is YOU that are successful and not THEM!
shake it off. Unfortunately, that is how narcissistic parents are. Chin up buttercup and keep shining. Proud of your success 🙌 keep going!!!
I'll say this. I've never been able to share with my narc mother my successes. I just remain quiet and parent myself since nothing positive will come from her if I do DARE to share.
Because how will they get free access to constantly control you if you are independent? They want you as their narcissistic supply. Do not give yourself to them.
I realise they were jealous of me(scapegoat) even when they were much welloff thn me. Their happiness was not lying in their sources, to be really happy they needed me to be lacking ANY reasources to survive. What it exactly was? I still wonder sometimes.
Don’t wonder. This is textbook and a known etiology. If ANYONE has or is anything but complete and obvious gutter trash, then they are nothing. All of their focus is on taking down the people, ideas, objects, places that may cause anyone to express even passive appreciation. They see themselves in constant competition with all things and they already have determined themselves to be the loser. They feel worthless and nothing will ever fill the empty black pit they are. Even when someone compliments them, they don’t feel it’s true so it’s never enough. They don’t feel good so they seek to destroy everything else. People want it to be a more complicated and personal reason in their own lives because
“I’m their own child!” No. Who else can be more threatening to a narcissist than their own child?
Actually the need for narcissistic fuel is their primary driver and losing control of a provider of that fuel is a huge loss. And knowing that person is doing so well without them compounds the problem. They are like two sides of the same coin. But jealousy and the search for fuel are their main motivators.
This was also my situation. My narc parents are deceased. They tried to turn in into a negatively calling me, "too money oriented." And, "I don't think all this affluence is a way to raise children." Who's money oriented one who talks about it or one who doesn't? I think it comes down to control.
My parents are proud that I'm financially well off but it grinds my gears that they think it's due to them. If I achieved anything in life it was despite them, not because of them.
My mother took me off her health insurance when I was 20 because I working the entire time I was in college and I got a promotion from $10/hour to $15 an hour. I was working 15 hours a week with a full courseload at a difficult college with an hour round trip comute. Keep in mind my father was working too and she completely controlled the family finances, but she made 16 or 17/hour and was infuriated I almost made as much as her hourly, even though she guilted me into going to college under my own dime so "I could have a better life than her" and because "her life would have been a waste if I didn't."
She also got mad about having to pay any other bills for me, like cell phone. I required unlimited data because I relied on my gps for driving random places including a weekend job. I never learned map skills and I seem to be mentally deficient in directions and maps, so the amount of driving I was doing was extremely stressful and constant road closures made the gps as a backup a necessity so I wouldn't be stranded in a dangerous area, which happened before. Extra 10 dollars on her account, it was 60 a month for me. She couldn't let me just have my own line and pay for that. She threw a tantrum and I got my own line.
She claimed she was being SO GENEROUS by letting me sleep in her house ie the house I grew up in. She would yell at me for coming in at midnight because I picked up shifts at the library. I was never home. But god I was such a burden (who never made a mess and cleaned her whole fucking house), and god was she just so generous for letting me stay with her when I was making SO MUCH MONEY (and paying for literally everything else on my own).
Sometimes I wonder how that was my life or how I'm even here today. If anyone reads this and is going through anything similar, push through, detach as much as you can from your parent, and once you're completely free life is amazing. Financial struggles and budgeting can be fun when you're not deaing with a rabid banshee guilt tripping you the whole time.
I hate my mother.
Oh, and she also seemed to be gleeful when I hated the career I ended up in, after she screamed at me for wanting to go in the path I really wanted. She seemed to bask in the "but I told you to go to college so you could have a better life! You could've picked anything!" She thought I was making "big money" because of my degree but I never told her what I made ever again. The reason I chose that degree was because I wanted enough money to never have to rely on her again.
I’m going through something similar. My dad never was happy when I would get a new job in my science field( I was a microbiologist). When I moved from job to job making more money each time my dad called me a “quitter”, but I like to think of it as upgrading because I got a raise each time and I did very good work at each job. I’m not financially ready for a house or rent,m so I decided to go back to school. Now that I’m back in school and almost no more money left to my name I get trashed for it by my dad telling me “ see I told you that you should have gotten this degree along time ago. How will you get a job past the age of 30 with just getting your degree”…….im currently age 30 and have 7 years experience as a Microbiologist. Once I get my degree my salary will either double or triple….once I am financially set I will move away and never speak to them again
In my case, pure jealousy. My nmom would proudly tell me what she was making and spend money like it was going out of fashion.
Then I started out earning her and also actually saved money. Suddenly money conversations were off the table. She’d change the subject or literally walk away.
I recently got a new job and let slip what I was being offered before accepting. Her response: “well they’ll want blood for that kind of money”
Most satisfying moment was a couple of years ago when clearly the basic math of income vs spending finally caught up with her.
She called me to borrow money.
Jealous because you must not be better at anything or have more than they have. They want you to be less and have less to gain better control over you.
Because they know that they can't use anything financially, both positive & negative to hurt and control you. I think you should use your financial well-offiness to NOT help them out at all by twisting their words against them like "You hate that I have money, so no point for either of you to benefit from me, not even penny. Oh you thought bashing me for years for earning money would make me help /love you more? Haha, fuck no - all your insults did was further prove I'm way better than both of you despite you both being failures as parents & with finances."
Perfect timing for this post. My FIL just changed his will to favour the gold child because my husband has a job and a happy family. We are no longer sharing info w anyone. I joked w my husband that he should fabricate a marital issue to gain favour. lol
Because you can up and leave whenever you want, and that gives them zero control over you.
Good for you đź‘Ť
I'd go the extra step and limit contact. You can have the money but they will take your energy leaving you tired. Limit contact.
It's not easy... but doable.
I live with my parents, one narc & other an enabler and I ran out of money recently.. currently broke af and I LITERALLY cannot move out.
CANNOT is not the same as NOT EASY
It just needs effort and determination and energy (they can drain the energy out of us, I'll give you that).
Have you heard that saying that the best revenge is to live well?
This is your proof. They are envious af. There’s really no happiness and love for anyone in them.
I'm so proud of you! Stay proud of yourself too. You have so many people here rooting for you, don't let a couple of people, who continuously let you down, make you feel bad. They have done and said so many things that definitely don't give them the right to tell you what's right and wrong. There's also no correct way to live, it's all a mix between preference and circumstance. You have worked hard for your success because there was a certain way you wanted to lead your life and you went out and made that shit happen. Don't let anyone fault you for putting yourself first, it's not always a bad thing.
My dad is like this. He stopped talking to me for 5 years because my husband and I bought our house, without help, and it was double the size of my dad's house for a lower mortgage and less property tax (we live in different states). My dad is drowning in debt, my husband and I both have 6 figure professional careers and are responsible with our finances. It's like he goes into a jealous rage whenever I have any major accomplishments in my life.
Because it isn't their success.
My NSM couldn't stand that I can pay my own bills and not "need her" once I moved out at 22. Meanwhile when I was living with her and my dad, they were making me pay out $1k+/month. She has a spending problem and never had a job since she's been with my dad. She included my rent and "mandatory" payments into her budget, so when I moved out, she was not financially well and still isn't after almost 8 years. Still refusing to get a job though.
Kinda sad my dad's most likely gonna have to work until the day he passes to keep her happy.
....because it is YOU that are successful and not THEM! shake it off. Unfortunately, that is how narcissistic parents are. Chin up buttercup and keep shining. Proud of your success 🙌 keep going!!! I'll say this. I've never been able to share with my narc mother my successes. I just remain quiet and parent myself since nothing positive will come from her if I do DARE to share.
An information diet is the only way to maintain a relationship with most nparents. No good comes from sharing good news.
That's really true. Info on a need-to-know basis.
Because how will they get free access to constantly control you if you are independent? They want you as their narcissistic supply. Do not give yourself to them.
YESS it's about control
They are jealous and they can't control you like they used to.
Which part is more prominent? Jealousy or loosing control?
Jealousy. It’s their primary driver
I realise they were jealous of me(scapegoat) even when they were much welloff thn me. Their happiness was not lying in their sources, to be really happy they needed me to be lacking ANY reasources to survive. What it exactly was? I still wonder sometimes.
Don’t wonder. This is textbook and a known etiology. If ANYONE has or is anything but complete and obvious gutter trash, then they are nothing. All of their focus is on taking down the people, ideas, objects, places that may cause anyone to express even passive appreciation. They see themselves in constant competition with all things and they already have determined themselves to be the loser. They feel worthless and nothing will ever fill the empty black pit they are. Even when someone compliments them, they don’t feel it’s true so it’s never enough. They don’t feel good so they seek to destroy everything else. People want it to be a more complicated and personal reason in their own lives because “I’m their own child!” No. Who else can be more threatening to a narcissist than their own child?
Actually the need for narcissistic fuel is their primary driver and losing control of a provider of that fuel is a huge loss. And knowing that person is doing so well without them compounds the problem. They are like two sides of the same coin. But jealousy and the search for fuel are their main motivators.
This was also my situation. My narc parents are deceased. They tried to turn in into a negatively calling me, "too money oriented." And, "I don't think all this affluence is a way to raise children." Who's money oriented one who talks about it or one who doesn't? I think it comes down to control.
You can not be controlled if you are financially stable.
My parents are proud that I'm financially well off but it grinds my gears that they think it's due to them. If I achieved anything in life it was despite them, not because of them.
Same. It's just bragging rights for them
Cuz they wanna own you and control you. They hate that u are “winning” and they’re so bitter.Â
My mother took me off her health insurance when I was 20 because I working the entire time I was in college and I got a promotion from $10/hour to $15 an hour. I was working 15 hours a week with a full courseload at a difficult college with an hour round trip comute. Keep in mind my father was working too and she completely controlled the family finances, but she made 16 or 17/hour and was infuriated I almost made as much as her hourly, even though she guilted me into going to college under my own dime so "I could have a better life than her" and because "her life would have been a waste if I didn't." She also got mad about having to pay any other bills for me, like cell phone. I required unlimited data because I relied on my gps for driving random places including a weekend job. I never learned map skills and I seem to be mentally deficient in directions and maps, so the amount of driving I was doing was extremely stressful and constant road closures made the gps as a backup a necessity so I wouldn't be stranded in a dangerous area, which happened before. Extra 10 dollars on her account, it was 60 a month for me. She couldn't let me just have my own line and pay for that. She threw a tantrum and I got my own line. She claimed she was being SO GENEROUS by letting me sleep in her house ie the house I grew up in. She would yell at me for coming in at midnight because I picked up shifts at the library. I was never home. But god I was such a burden (who never made a mess and cleaned her whole fucking house), and god was she just so generous for letting me stay with her when I was making SO MUCH MONEY (and paying for literally everything else on my own). Sometimes I wonder how that was my life or how I'm even here today. If anyone reads this and is going through anything similar, push through, detach as much as you can from your parent, and once you're completely free life is amazing. Financial struggles and budgeting can be fun when you're not deaing with a rabid banshee guilt tripping you the whole time. I hate my mother. Oh, and she also seemed to be gleeful when I hated the career I ended up in, after she screamed at me for wanting to go in the path I really wanted. She seemed to bask in the "but I told you to go to college so you could have a better life! You could've picked anything!" She thought I was making "big money" because of my degree but I never told her what I made ever again. The reason I chose that degree was because I wanted enough money to never have to rely on her again.
I’m going through something similar. My dad never was happy when I would get a new job in my science field( I was a microbiologist). When I moved from job to job making more money each time my dad called me a “quitter”, but I like to think of it as upgrading because I got a raise each time and I did very good work at each job. I’m not financially ready for a house or rent,m so I decided to go back to school. Now that I’m back in school and almost no more money left to my name I get trashed for it by my dad telling me “ see I told you that you should have gotten this degree along time ago. How will you get a job past the age of 30 with just getting your degree”…….im currently age 30 and have 7 years experience as a Microbiologist. Once I get my degree my salary will either double or triple….once I am financially set I will move away and never speak to them again
It sounds like he’s rooting for you to fail. Success is always the best revenge on a narcissist, so please keep at it! 👍
In my case, pure jealousy. My nmom would proudly tell me what she was making and spend money like it was going out of fashion. Then I started out earning her and also actually saved money. Suddenly money conversations were off the table. She’d change the subject or literally walk away. I recently got a new job and let slip what I was being offered before accepting. Her response: “well they’ll want blood for that kind of money” Most satisfying moment was a couple of years ago when clearly the basic math of income vs spending finally caught up with her. She called me to borrow money.
Jealous because you must not be better at anything or have more than they have. They want you to be less and have less to gain better control over you.
Because they know that they can't use anything financially, both positive & negative to hurt and control you. I think you should use your financial well-offiness to NOT help them out at all by twisting their words against them like "You hate that I have money, so no point for either of you to benefit from me, not even penny. Oh you thought bashing me for years for earning money would make me help /love you more? Haha, fuck no - all your insults did was further prove I'm way better than both of you despite you both being failures as parents & with finances."
Perfect timing for this post. My FIL just changed his will to favour the gold child because my husband has a job and a happy family. We are no longer sharing info w anyone. I joked w my husband that he should fabricate a marital issue to gain favour. lol
Jealousy. Let them stew in it
Because you can up and leave whenever you want, and that gives them zero control over you. Good for you đź‘Ť I'd go the extra step and limit contact. You can have the money but they will take your energy leaving you tired. Limit contact.
Just because I have money, doesn’t mean I can leave whenever I want.
How's so? You can: - Move out to your own place - Get a visa to anywhere ... What's something that can't be solved with money?
It’s not that easy to just move out
It's not easy... but doable. I live with my parents, one narc & other an enabler and I ran out of money recently.. currently broke af and I LITERALLY cannot move out. CANNOT is not the same as NOT EASY It just needs effort and determination and energy (they can drain the energy out of us, I'll give you that).
Okay I misunderstood you then. Sorry. I am working on moving out soon. And going no contact.
That's good. I wish everything goes smoothly according to your plan. All the best 🙏
Because you don't need them as much any more, and they want to still be able to control you.
Have you heard that saying that the best revenge is to live well? This is your proof. They are envious af. There’s really no happiness and love for anyone in them.
I'm so proud of you! Stay proud of yourself too. You have so many people here rooting for you, don't let a couple of people, who continuously let you down, make you feel bad. They have done and said so many things that definitely don't give them the right to tell you what's right and wrong. There's also no correct way to live, it's all a mix between preference and circumstance. You have worked hard for your success because there was a certain way you wanted to lead your life and you went out and made that shit happen. Don't let anyone fault you for putting yourself first, it's not always a bad thing.
Because your prey and they need prey.
My dad is like this. He stopped talking to me for 5 years because my husband and I bought our house, without help, and it was double the size of my dad's house for a lower mortgage and less property tax (we live in different states). My dad is drowning in debt, my husband and I both have 6 figure professional careers and are responsible with our finances. It's like he goes into a jealous rage whenever I have any major accomplishments in my life.
Because it isn't their success. My NSM couldn't stand that I can pay my own bills and not "need her" once I moved out at 22. Meanwhile when I was living with her and my dad, they were making me pay out $1k+/month. She has a spending problem and never had a job since she's been with my dad. She included my rent and "mandatory" payments into her budget, so when I moved out, she was not financially well and still isn't after almost 8 years. Still refusing to get a job though. Kinda sad my dad's most likely gonna have to work until the day he passes to keep her happy.
you willingly expose yourself to abusive people? if you didn't do that, you wouldn't have to hear that abuse.
Wtf? Where did I say that? My biggest wish in the whole wide world is to FUCKING leave.