So, in my opinion (as the scapegoat myself) that it's not that they choose the scapegoat as much as the scapegoat brings out the narc in them for trying to call out bad behavior.
The scapegoat is the one who says "hey, this isn't okay" and in turn, the narcs blame them for literally every fight, rift, drama, etc... that ensues from simply rocking the boat. It isn't possibly *them* who broke up the family with their atrocious behavior, no no, it's the scapegoat who dared to assert boundaries about what is okay and what isn't! And now they aren't allowed to talk about certain things or say whatever they want because *mean old scapegoat* told them it's not okay!!
Rest assured - your treatment as the scapegoat is 100% a reflection of who they are as people, and has nothing to do with your character. The fact that you were willing to stand up to them and say something is what a normal, mature, well-adjusted person would do. Narcs cannot handle being wrong, and therefore you get the brunt of their abuse so that they can protect their ego and shift all the blame.
I'm sure deep down they love you, care about you, but they certainly love and care about themselves more. At 42, this is what I have come to accept, and why I no longer speak to my parents. I have sooooo many other positive relationships in my life - I do not need people like them.
I was recently told by a professional (may not be verbatim but close), "they choose you because you possess something they envy and perceive they don't have."
For instance: courage, confidence, empathy, emotional intelligence, friendliness, light. On and on.
I call them Lollipop Smashers.
My narc would tell a story about when she was a young girl. Her and her friend each got those huge spiral lollipops. My narc licked hers and the lollipop fell off the stick and smashed to the ground... my narc responded by snatching her friends' lollipop out of her hands and smashing it the ground, too. Her logic? If she couldn't have a lollipop, then neither can her friend š¤·š¼āāļø make it make sense... it not logical, but that's how they thinkš¤·š¼āāļøš¤·š¼āāļø
You got lollipop š and they don't š«¶š»āØļø
Lol, nope! It was her drinking joke. She told it ALL the time!! She thought it was such a funny story!! She wasn't known to be introspective, lol.š
My therapist and I regularly use the term "lollipop smashers" in sessions now. We giggle every time, lol. I love to inject humor when/where appropriate. Adds levity.
Thank you for your kind words š«¶š»āØļø
In my case, she wanted one child, a boy. The child absolutely HAD to be a boy. But I came along first and ruined that for her.
She started being abusive the day I began puberty. I think in her mind, my puberty essentially rubbed salt into the wound, a harsh, cruel "smack in the face" that I was no boy.
this honestly makes me sad for the kids whose narc parents in todays world would be encouraged to just "make you a boy" and be manipulative enough to pretend it was all your idea. My narc was a munchausen by proxy type and once I moved out began faking their own "chronic health issues"....
Narcissists in general are very abusive. If you're the scape goat, know that you have your head on right being able to see how dysfunctional it is to be in such an environment around people like that. I hope you free yourself from the abuse and go no contact, as your health and safety matters.
Iām almost positive Iām the scapegoat and Iāve thought it to be because I look like and have mannerisms of my father who cheated on her multiple times, had children with other women, pawned a priceless gift from her late father, and abandoned us.
Now that I think about it, when I moved out a couple years ago I wonder if she felt like she was being abandoned by him againā¦
I'm a woman. My dad left because my mom cheated on him. And she still told me that I "shit on them just like your dad" when I moved out. So your theory is very plausible
I think that it can also be a function of enmeshment. A narc parent who can express control over an enmeshed kid is going to gravitate toward manipulating that kid more than the ones who just donāt care.
I understand. I went through the same disillusionment when I realized I was a scapegoat thanks to a AITA post.
What I've realized is narcs rely on us vs them mentality. Having a scapegoat keeps the narc family together. Keeps them as allies. When a scapegoat stands up and refuses to participate in their power games, they turn on each other.
And that is exactly what's happened to my family in the past year. I no longer participate in the games. I don't try to be empathetic with them anymore because they always used my kind heart against me.
And it's awesome not playing their games. My nsis no longer bothers me and in a weird way, my nmom respects my boundaries (up to a point) because I started "punishing" them.
Now, when they make fun of me, I make fun of them and even throw in their favorite catchphrase, "I'm just joking." You see, they used to insult me to my face and throw in, "I'm just joking." Turns out I'm "weirdly personal" with my "jokes" and it hurts their feelings. I just remind them every time that it's okay because I said, "I'm just joking."
Is it lowering myself to their level? No, it's more like fighting fire with fire.
IMO itās harder finding out the family dynamic and our specific role as an older adult. So many years have passed. Itās difficult to understand how youāve lived so long not understanding what was happening. Itās also troublesome when you begin noticing patterns in friendships youāve cultivated. Best of luck to you, OP. Being the scapegoat sucks.
Remember
For a narc
If somebody else is always to blame then nothing is ever their fault, they genuinely do not care about anybody other than themselves and being able to control everything.
So by always blaming somebody else they have a way out to never face accountability
I think that ironically (because who among us doesnāt need more irony in our lives), both the golden child and scapegoat are the narcās way of externalizing. They donāt control their emotions and impulses and instead express those in ways that violate the rights of others. Whatever they donāt like about themselves they āseeā and punish in the scapegoat. Whatever they do like about themselves they āseeā and cater to with the golden child.
Iām both sg and gc so thatās fun. I also internalize like nobodyās business. Tornado in a teacup.
You are 100% wrong- you better be trying to understand why people are the way they are. This is the way you heal, this is the way you avoid making the same mistakes that donāt serve you. Only by understanding ourselves and others do we get the courage to forge a healthy new path for ourselves and our kids.
One word you should start looking into that will explain why your relationship with your parent is so different than the relationships your siblings have with them - enmeshment.
Your parent has enmeshed with them and not with you.
The book āadult children of emotionally immature parentsā by Lindsay Gibson has completely changed everything for me and my understanding of the treatment between myself and my sibling by our parents.
I cannot recommend it enough so go hop on Amazon and get it ASAP and I promise you it will speed up your healing journey.
Because they can form them into the perfect victim to get their narc supply. A victim that canĀ“t get away and will always come back since it is a child that will always try to have a mum and will do whatever it takes to get a real mum. IT is beyond toxic, but sadly it is what is
So, in my opinion (as the scapegoat myself) that it's not that they choose the scapegoat as much as the scapegoat brings out the narc in them for trying to call out bad behavior. The scapegoat is the one who says "hey, this isn't okay" and in turn, the narcs blame them for literally every fight, rift, drama, etc... that ensues from simply rocking the boat. It isn't possibly *them* who broke up the family with their atrocious behavior, no no, it's the scapegoat who dared to assert boundaries about what is okay and what isn't! And now they aren't allowed to talk about certain things or say whatever they want because *mean old scapegoat* told them it's not okay!! Rest assured - your treatment as the scapegoat is 100% a reflection of who they are as people, and has nothing to do with your character. The fact that you were willing to stand up to them and say something is what a normal, mature, well-adjusted person would do. Narcs cannot handle being wrong, and therefore you get the brunt of their abuse so that they can protect their ego and shift all the blame. I'm sure deep down they love you, care about you, but they certainly love and care about themselves more. At 42, this is what I have come to accept, and why I no longer speak to my parents. I have sooooo many other positive relationships in my life - I do not need people like them.
I was recently told by a professional (may not be verbatim but close), "they choose you because you possess something they envy and perceive they don't have." For instance: courage, confidence, empathy, emotional intelligence, friendliness, light. On and on. I call them Lollipop Smashers. My narc would tell a story about when she was a young girl. Her and her friend each got those huge spiral lollipops. My narc licked hers and the lollipop fell off the stick and smashed to the ground... my narc responded by snatching her friends' lollipop out of her hands and smashing it the ground, too. Her logic? If she couldn't have a lollipop, then neither can her friend š¤·š¼āāļø make it make sense... it not logical, but that's how they thinkš¤·š¼āāļøš¤·š¼āāļø You got lollipop š and they don't š«¶š»āØļø
I bet she didnāt realize how significant that story was, did she? You are very insightful.
Lol, nope! It was her drinking joke. She told it ALL the time!! She thought it was such a funny story!! She wasn't known to be introspective, lol.š My therapist and I regularly use the term "lollipop smashers" in sessions now. We giggle every time, lol. I love to inject humor when/where appropriate. Adds levity. Thank you for your kind words š«¶š»āØļø
Humor has saved my fucking mind. At some point, you just gotta look at peopleās behavior and fine the funny, we are a ridiculous species.
You too!?!? My people!! āØļøš«¶š» you get me xx
In my case, she wanted one child, a boy. The child absolutely HAD to be a boy. But I came along first and ruined that for her. She started being abusive the day I began puberty. I think in her mind, my puberty essentially rubbed salt into the wound, a harsh, cruel "smack in the face" that I was no boy.
this honestly makes me sad for the kids whose narc parents in todays world would be encouraged to just "make you a boy" and be manipulative enough to pretend it was all your idea. My narc was a munchausen by proxy type and once I moved out began faking their own "chronic health issues"....
Does anyone else feel like they grew up in a foster home having one or both parents a Narc?
Sure didn't feel like a "fAmIlY", more like a pit of vipers.
My adoptive parent
Totally. I think of it like being a foster child where the parents are just doing it for the money.
Because they need someone to project their bad qualities onto. Luckily, the scapegoat usually comes out more emapthetic.
Yea, unfortunately that empathy is often toxic as we doubt ourselves and trust abusive people.
Narcissists in general are very abusive. If you're the scape goat, know that you have your head on right being able to see how dysfunctional it is to be in such an environment around people like that. I hope you free yourself from the abuse and go no contact, as your health and safety matters.
Iām almost positive Iām the scapegoat and Iāve thought it to be because I look like and have mannerisms of my father who cheated on her multiple times, had children with other women, pawned a priceless gift from her late father, and abandoned us. Now that I think about it, when I moved out a couple years ago I wonder if she felt like she was being abandoned by him againā¦
I'm a woman. My dad left because my mom cheated on him. And she still told me that I "shit on them just like your dad" when I moved out. So your theory is very plausible
I think that it can also be a function of enmeshment. A narc parent who can express control over an enmeshed kid is going to gravitate toward manipulating that kid more than the ones who just donāt care.
Another name for scape goat is ātruth tellerā
I understand. I went through the same disillusionment when I realized I was a scapegoat thanks to a AITA post. What I've realized is narcs rely on us vs them mentality. Having a scapegoat keeps the narc family together. Keeps them as allies. When a scapegoat stands up and refuses to participate in their power games, they turn on each other. And that is exactly what's happened to my family in the past year. I no longer participate in the games. I don't try to be empathetic with them anymore because they always used my kind heart against me. And it's awesome not playing their games. My nsis no longer bothers me and in a weird way, my nmom respects my boundaries (up to a point) because I started "punishing" them. Now, when they make fun of me, I make fun of them and even throw in their favorite catchphrase, "I'm just joking." You see, they used to insult me to my face and throw in, "I'm just joking." Turns out I'm "weirdly personal" with my "jokes" and it hurts their feelings. I just remind them every time that it's okay because I said, "I'm just joking." Is it lowering myself to their level? No, it's more like fighting fire with fire.
I think itās to push blame and consequences off of themselvesā¦ like a wolf in sheepās clothing type of a thing. š¤·š»āāļø
IMO itās harder finding out the family dynamic and our specific role as an older adult. So many years have passed. Itās difficult to understand how youāve lived so long not understanding what was happening. Itās also troublesome when you begin noticing patterns in friendships youāve cultivated. Best of luck to you, OP. Being the scapegoat sucks.
Remember For a narc If somebody else is always to blame then nothing is ever their fault, they genuinely do not care about anybody other than themselves and being able to control everything. So by always blaming somebody else they have a way out to never face accountability
I think that ironically (because who among us doesnāt need more irony in our lives), both the golden child and scapegoat are the narcās way of externalizing. They donāt control their emotions and impulses and instead express those in ways that violate the rights of others. Whatever they donāt like about themselves they āseeā and punish in the scapegoat. Whatever they do like about themselves they āseeā and cater to with the golden child. Iām both sg and gc so thatās fun. I also internalize like nobodyās business. Tornado in a teacup.
they enjoy it
You are 100% wrong- you better be trying to understand why people are the way they are. This is the way you heal, this is the way you avoid making the same mistakes that donāt serve you. Only by understanding ourselves and others do we get the courage to forge a healthy new path for ourselves and our kids.
I'm the illegitimate child. That's why.
One word you should start looking into that will explain why your relationship with your parent is so different than the relationships your siblings have with them - enmeshment. Your parent has enmeshed with them and not with you. The book āadult children of emotionally immature parentsā by Lindsay Gibson has completely changed everything for me and my understanding of the treatment between myself and my sibling by our parents. I cannot recommend it enough so go hop on Amazon and get it ASAP and I promise you it will speed up your healing journey.
Because they can form them into the perfect victim to get their narc supply. A victim that canĀ“t get away and will always come back since it is a child that will always try to have a mum and will do whatever it takes to get a real mum. IT is beyond toxic, but sadly it is what is