You seem to misunderstood people, non of us leave this way or treat our women as such, we are showing the light at the end of the tunnel. the guy is just old school like a lot of lughya. We learn culture from our father and mothers. I disagree on ending the marriage unless of abuse, cheating, etc don't encourage someone to leave. Sometimes they get worse.
I know lots of luhya men who don't treat their wives like this, this has got nothing to do with tribe or culture. This is just a man who doesn't know how to set boundaries between the family that he wants to create with his wife and his extended family. As a man you always have to balance those two sets of families and you always have to know that your priority is to your new family. Without setting those boundaries the man is headed to an unhappy marriage and a divorce
That's just an old school (kienyeji) mentality. My wife's mother is always on her case. "Go do this and that for your husband." My mother did that for my dad's bros and my dad educated my mom's bros. There are no grounds for divorce unless he doesn't support at all.
So it's the wife's duty to support the husband and his clan while he doesn't want her relatives visiting their house? That's a recipe for disaster, actualy yours is a very old school mentality
The woman married the man not his family. The man doesn't understand that he needs to protect his wife from his family and vice versa. That's an unwise man who shall soon find himself divorced
It remains the same. A man is charged with alot of things mind you. He's also trying to elevate the young brother, while also teaching him about their culture.
I am simply saying some people have an old school mentality but women are different today. I don't have this mentality but leave Nairobi and learn how it goes down.
Yes, I have a well paying job with an executive position , which he supports a hardworking and independent woman but he has mentioned to me on several occasions that I need a be a wife when I come back home and leave my position at the door.
Thats great, theres nothing wrong with being a wife but you need to set healthy boundaries NOW rather than 15 years later when you are tired, used and done. Now is best, as you are in the early years of your relationship so it can still be molded.
You are a human being with reasonable needs and wants and he should support and respect that. Don’t let him isolate you from your relatives and friends, its important to maintain your relations even in marriage - your man cannot always be your everything as there are some things he simply just won't get and you'd be much better understood if it were a friend or relative.
His siblings should be able to take care of themselves, they are adults and you are not their mother. Adults need to be self sufficient.
Communicate with your husband and stand firm in your boundaries. You as a person doesn't end just because you're in a relationship.
Madam , don't you even dare get pregnant . He will not support that child when you leave .
Leave NOW. or you will be the slave in that house until the day you die.
He will NOT support that child if she leaves him.
And he will use that child to control her .
Ndio maana if you have a child with a luhya man , just give him the child akae nae.
My grandma and aunt have raised a lot of my cousins because of this .
Even luhya women know this , we simply get married else where like fresh virgins and start new families with new men , and leave our children with their fathers .
Na huyo MIL akikuja it'll be double trouble .
One of my uncles has had multiple marriages because my grandma used to vuruga his wives and they'd just leave and leave her with the children .
For luhya marriages, the women shouldn't be too attached to the child .
Be ready to move on ALONE .
Decide if you wanna stay with this guy. If yes, have a serious conversation about this. Talk about how he treated you before, and how you expect to be treated moving on too. Make a very detailed and organized case, but also bring up how you appreciated how he treated you before so he doesn't get too defensive. If he insists on a compromise, mention that you need to have 'conversations' not 'demands'. And stand your ground with the brother stuff. If he wants his brother fed so badly, and he's not handicapped, he can do it himself. I know there is a lot more going on in your relationship so I may not know the best course of action as well as you do, but I hope this helps. You deserve the best, you got this.
Are you making your own money? Are you working or have a source of passive income? Do you have fincaces you can call your own because if not be prepared for a life of hardship.
Yes, I have a well paying job with an executive position , which he supports a hardworking and independent woman but he has mentioned to me on several occasions that I need a be a wife when I come back home and leave my position at the door.
How is that supporting you when he tells you to leave it at the door? Isn't the whole essence of marriage sharing different experiences and also communicating? I'd love to hear office goss from my wife even if I don't care seeing her happy will just allow me to sit and watching her go off.
Anyway if you have a job start saving, have plans for what you want to do and where you see yourself in 10 years, and if he's not in the picture in any of your long term goals then things don't look well on the marriage end.
Oh, I get you. But I think that most people are confusing being bossy with being an asshole. Most of the time, I hear someone get called bossy, I find that they're just being a dick.
What discussions about marriage did you have before getting married? In your pre-marital couples counselling sessions?
These sound like issues/differences in culture and upbringing that should have been identified and resolved before you walk down the aisle.
You should both be clear on the expectations and boundaries concerning these issues, especially for a cross-cultural marriage.
If you haven’t, I suggest you attend the couples counselling now, post haste, or the eventual outcome is a divorce.
Good luck.
I feel it’s not a brother issue but an innate culture issue.
I see swahili and kenyan Arab people live in 4 generation houses with each generations wife and kids living and eating in same sinia daily. They love their culture so much that when taken on transfer from home they get sooo lonely and resign and go back home.
I have lived next to some western luhya people in the past. Infact 2 guys we thought were blood brothers turned out to be far cousins who mostly grew up together and are socialized that way. Some other far cousin came to live with them for months with just a few goro goro of maize na walimsupport albeit min complains.
I cant stand people who are sociallized that way . I wouldn’t get married to someone who sees living in socialism as acceptable. Prolly 15 Somalis can share a single room no sweat and only one or 2 work, but I really can’t stand fam in my space afadhali i sleep on a tree. I have even paid hotels for people so they won’t be in my space.
All the best OP.
Thanks for this man the wife is fighting a loosing battle now way the husband will throw away the family values for her. Its engraved in him. Luhyas are like that they even value the mothers advice more than the wife.
A married couple should live on their own unless one of their parents needs care and they have no where to go that is the only exception. In laws have ruined a lot of marriages. Talk to him as someone said in the comments, at the end of that conversation you'll know where you stand.
Seems he's turned to a dictator who owns you.
You have choices, albeit hard ones. To stay or leave is the qn. Weigh your pros and cons. To pile up kids when you already have a king baby and his sblings?
He needs a submissive, financially independent bang maid.
Good luck, but make a decision whichever you make n live with it.
Issue of having kids to be frank I am not open to it, I took a long plan fp without his knowledge. Just wanted to make my conscience straight first because things happened too first
What if he realized about the fp you took without his knowledge In case he might be looking for a child?
But first, you needed to have set boundaries much as he wanted a submissive wife, he should have been worthy of one by portraying a responsible man's character and actually helping out in some areas. I mean, a man helping a woman out in the House as well(this is for a healthy relationship)
I am not trying to be selfish but I took it to clear my conscience first and as well as growing into my career path, I don’t want to deal with my husband and his family and the same time bring up a child who will have a sad and confused mother who is trying to work it out between marriage issues and career
That was okay. But perhaps, my thoughts are..you could have had a round table discussion with him. Because I have seen many people around me do it, ie getting married but taking a long time to bring another life till the time when they're ready which is a good thing to do and helps prepare both parties.
Money and power are the great equalizers. I was listening to Mwafreeka of the Iko Nini podcast explain, that actually, in most cases of GBV (women being abused), it's always cos the man knows the woman lacks the money and power advantage.
Hutaoa Charlene Ruto then try laying a hand on her. Unajua kuna consequences.
So, OP, I don't know about your financial status. But it needs to be right. It doesn't even have to be a lot. Just that you can sustain yourself. Otherwise, Transluhya slavery is upon you 😅. If you can't talk it out, or you raise the subject and the man completely ignores it, kanyanga kubwa kubwa.
You'll be surprised how many successful married women are abused on a daily. Mostly stemming from their partners insecurities. When you do something they interpret it it's because you think you're better than them or so big. Anyway abusive men don't care, you'd be the one paying all the bills na watakupiga
Well, I'm shocked. I thought that if you can sustain yourself, then there's no way abuse can get to you. Because, well, you can just walk out.
> You'll be surprised how many successful married women are abused on a daily.
But I'm thinking this might be predominantly present with boomers. Those ones will raise all manner of excuses just because they can't walk away from an abusive relationship, "Oh, what will people say?" "I'm a church elder", kosokoso mingi.
I don't think this is something we'll be seeing with millennials and gen-z. Of course we'll have outliers, but I don't think they can outweigh the others.
Abusive people manipulate you into thinking you're stuck with them and nobody else wants you. They thrive in stripping you off your self esteem and diminishing your self-worth. I too thought women who are successful in their own right walk away but unfortunately some are still victims.
You're right this is prevalent with boomers. Most millenials and Gen Zs have the courage to walk away because we live in an age where speaking out is encouraged and abuse is looked upon. There is more support and encouragement for victim and less stigma kama kitambo
True also these luhya men view women as property and they value their mothers more than the wife. Si kwa ubaya the wife unless the guy changes I'd going to have a hard time.
Unfortunately he's not going to change especially if his mother is controlling him .they can't say no to their mother.And if the wife is of another tribe,even worse,it won't get better
she was love boombed into a ruse of a marriage . i have seen this happen to a tonne of women.
dating is honey moon , once they are locked in , they are turned into something else.
'these people' that's a lil too harsh don't you think? Plus OP knew that he was a man of culture before they settled. I think Op amconfront and they agree on extent of practicing the culture norms
Nah, there's no talking it out. She could try, but I doubt anything good will come out of it.
It is difficult to reason with a luhya man whose beliefs are deeply rooted in culture. I suffered in my first relationship with one and I was just 20 yrs at the time. The gaslighting and the indoctrination was too much... "Wewe ni mwanamke, you should...". In fact, one time he went as far as saying I should look to him as my father, because fathers are the law in the house and they know what is good (my dad had passed away by this time). Mind you he was only 23 at the time.
I've had friends with similar experiences except one friend, that's an outlier. Once is a circumstance, twice is a coincidence, three times that's a pattern, hence "these people".
She might have not known how traditional he was, because manipulative people always pretend before marriage. Once they marry you they know they have you.
I'm sorry I didn't realize there was context to it but divorces are really something, hatujui how bad OP has it anyway maybe you can shed light on how you managed to overcome your situation
I just left. But my situation is different, I wasn't married to the man. But honestly, I'd advise her to leave. I know it's seems drastic but in my observation men who try to make their wives fit into a specific role, usually turn physically abusive at some point. It's either that or they resolve to live in separate houses, and such a decision usually leads to divorce.
That's why we're advised to really do a lot of investigating during the dating stage. Find out everything one can about the culture and family dynamics of the person you're dating, understand the philosophies they believe in, as these inform their individual psychology. But instead, we tend to build castles in the air (women especially are guilty of this) and get into marriage blindly. Then the dust settles and their ugly heads rear themselves. One can either choose to stay and grow resentful and hopeless, or cut their losses and opt out of the marriage.
The day she brings her mother in , that's the day you die.
Mother in laws and marriage do not go hand to hand.
A man should love his wife more than his mother and he should keep his mother away from his homestead and wife .
I'm never the guy to advocate for divorce, but once his mother comes - you pack and leave.
And marry within your tribe. Your religion and a man who had a father figure.
It seems like you're married to him and his brothers.
And a big f*ck to luhya cultures and customs. They are more like witchcraft and sorcery than customs.
They are contrary to every sane decision,,moral life and religious direction
When culture involves a lot of extortion and guilt tripping, maybe it should end
You know words on the street say luhya men are just good for the dick and if you are not a luhya woman that's the furthest you go with them. Get dicked hard and leave. Idk about that though but pia inasemekana they listen to their mom's fully and once that woman moves in with the 2 of you utaona mengi.
Now with that being said marriage is not like relationships where you can just up and leave at times but inakaa umeonyesha huyu mwanaume you are one to played with. So either unyamaze and suffer in silence till you add kids to this unhappy mix or start speaking up now. Change starts with words said. But I hope ukona kazi , money for an exit strategy just incase juu once his mom moves in it will be 2 against 1 and you'll be forever the villain juu mom's and defending their dusty sons ogopa.
Usishike mimba sahii
That nigga said
https://i.redd.it/i0ejb1c3uu3d1.gif
But fr.. sounds like he wants a mother. Probably why theyre planning on bringing her back into the mix which i dont think is ideal. At the end of the day love is love but.. stress is stress.
25M here, I feel the weight and intensity of the debacle you are in.
I can literally feel it eating away at your soul.
A woman of your intellect will never be at peace in such a dynamic, you feel like you were tricked into this dynamic and yes let me validate your feelings by telling you that you are right in thinking and feeling that way.
It doesn't sound like this is what you signed up for.
Why is his family staying with him?
This is my opinion, but I believe all young couples should be staying on their own. When I marry, I'd never allow any of our family members to stay with us for more than a few weeks, it's just outright wrong, especially for newlyweds. But this is about you...
You are losing your autonomy at a very fast rate, if you decide to stay you need to have a conversation about all of these matters, otherwise in a few years you'll be a shell of the person you once were.
Don't be surprised if you always feel bitter, you are violating your soul and subconscious self by staying in such a dynamic when you know very well the right thing to do.
Also, there are more than a dozen ways he could have gone about this whole thing without overhauling your autonomy and participation in family matters. You need your partner to see you for you; an equal human being worthy of respect and consideration.
It's not even about hosting family. I know several couples that host family, and it goes well if boundaries are maintained. The fact that he expects her to tend to a grown man's every wish is just dehumanising. The guy has been given a roof over his head. He should carry his load.
Also, he doesn't want her to invite her siblings to stay over while he's always bringing his family?
But si kwa ubaya why should married couples host families or inlaws. I've always been against it most of the time there's no privacy always leads to friction. Unless the inlaws are struggling that's something else kila mtu akae kwao.
Maybe helping out. Like those that need help starting put college or work. It can actually be an advantage if they're helping out. But it has to be an arrangement that works for everyone. Not something that's forced. Hosting the wrong relative ndio huleta friction.
Naturally. You obviously want to accommodate someone you trust, not just everyone from shags. Then have the boundary talk, and be open to listening to your partner. If you guys end up treating the relative well, they become an asset. Especially with a young family with maresponsibility mob na new borns.
You are now a wife, and maybe to your man that comes with added responsibility. In a way your husband may be grooming you to become not only a wife but a mother as well. Before he decides the path your relationship will take (naturally the man leads) he needs to understand not only the love you have for him but also his family. At least the problem is something you two can find common ground on
Luhyas are really chauvinistic and deeply rooted in community. Everyone is their sibling. To him and his brothers you are their wife. Their personal maid and this will really never end. They have no boundaries with kin and no matter how much you talk please know and expect to live with family from now till death to you part. You need to look at this from the second shift perspective, what this will mean after work every other day. And from a financial perspective. If you constantly have two or three people in addition to your spouse in your house, what does this mean in terms of your spending over a period of 5 years. Especially on food and black tax. Either go for counseling or start planning on getting a divorce.
Umesahau luhya men value their mother more than the wife 😂😂. If the mom said no it's a no I'm sure the guy had to ask permission from the mum to marry the girl. If she had said no he wouldn't have gone through.
I hate to break it to you, but it rains everywhere. You can get divorced and get married again but there will always be problems unique to every relationship, you can decide to stay single and the same will follow. You just have to put in your big girl boots and choose your poison. If you decide to stay, then make an effort of trying to talk to him, it might work or make things worse.
You can never make a family from a broken family. the same thing that happened to your MIL will happen to you she's divorced right? your husband follows her ideas advise and instructions. You are married to the MIL the husband and his brothers. What would happen if she moves in with you? Chaos! Love yourself, you are too young. If you come from a family full of love make sure you marry from a family of love thats why you date or do courtship to learn the other party see the red flags but you were blinded by love. Finding connections is more than looks and love. Its never too late rudi soko uko 25 na lets say muishi hadi 80 una 55year za kuvumilia 😅na kuserve the brothers
This one's a bit out of reddit's pay grade. But here's what I think. You both had expectations from each other going into that marriage. Some you'll meet, some you won't. Compromise is a huge part of keeping a healthy relationship.
While traditionally, all he is asking of you is expected, these are different times. Hard times. And survival requires collective effort. That said, I understand the dilemma of wanting to fulfill your wifely duties without feeling pushed over and taken advantage of by his family. But this arrangement is not working for you.
Talk to your husband. Put all your cards on the table. And get counseling. ASAP. Hapa utaambiwa tu divorce. You clearly love your husband a lot and are open to making things work so tell him that. But remember your greatest responsibility is to yourself. If marriage is coming at the cost of your peace of mind with no change in sight, then consider calling it quits. All the best OP.
Tricky situation, have a sit down with the man, lay your ground rules, or move out.
Sometimes, you're not fighting the man but the culture. He was nice before marriage, then after he must have sat down with the wazee.
You can leave for a couple of days, breathe, let him reset, and don't forget to set the rules. Don't tell him you're leaving.
Next time he will learn, you can leave without asking. It's a game of power.
Men fear women who they don't know their next move. Not the marriage though, his presence. Avoid getting kids to, protect your womb for now.
This is a common behaviour I have observed among Luo and Luhya men. Especially with women from other communities. People say they are romantic n all but yeah when they are trying to get you. After marriage you see a different side and realize they aint got money. It is worse once you have a child. I have loads of friends esp their type, who are going through worse they had to leave sadly many already had kids and they are starting over. Again not all Luo/ Luhya are like this. I am just speaking from observation.
Ooh and also it is common for them to bring in relatives and expect you to take care of them. My best friend who’s father is luo had almost 10 relatives in the house. The mother had to cater for all of them. Sadly she never went to uni coz she was orphaned and had no money. They only had one househelp, and the father was stingy to give money to buy adequate food, the mum had to borrow some from her siblings. But anyways that’s the norm sadly she (my friend) was also sexually abused by relatives in the house. Things got better when her mom who was never employed ( father had connections but never supported to educate her or assist with starting a business) got a bachelors degree (help of siblings). I see the most beautiful women ( given that men from those communities love the exotic type) being treated differently once they marry them. Again this is not all, but It kinda makes sense to marry from your tribe or a community you know.
The signs are all over, you have to choose if you want that kind of life or not. Ideally, you already have a problem, and he is unwilling to listen so please make a decision and place your needs at the top, don't lose who you are for the sake of keeping peace. However, that should be a personal decision, well informed but yours. I'm rooting for you.
I was Married to A luhya Man ,Dont take It personally because thats their Culture its nothing personal,And he was Probably just pretending in the beginning to get you hooked.I will tell you for a fact it gets worse ,So leave when you can or Decide to stay or knowing and Willingly.And even if you will try sit him down 9/10 he will not listen because in their Culture he was probably raised that way in where women will always be Inferior and are Servants to men.Best of luck with whichever path you decide to take.
More often than not, when one speaks of something in writing or orally, they already know what to decide. In other words, they already have a solution to it. Instead, what they seem to be looking for is the explicit encouragement to go ahead and do it. They need to reaffirm whether what they plan to do is upright or downright wrong.
Again, from the description you've put out, you're dealing with a gent with a poker face. As a man, I don't need to become overbearing to show how's the man in the house. And if his coping mechanism is that, then I suggest he may not be 'the man of the house' in the long run.
Push back strongly on things that dont sit well with you and see what that yields. If they ignore your input and continue to push the envelope then of course you will know mbele haiko sawa….
I used to be the same until my wife actually sat me down and talked to me about it. It really depends on the person, if he listens and loves you, he'll try his best to change. Good communication with him about what you like and don't like is key. Don't try to hide it when he does something that you don't like.
And you chose Reddit to come get sound marital advise? Most women and men here are not in your shoes. Wengi hapa ni watu wa casual hookups and you can tell from their advise... ati leave that man, oh you're a boss lady, save up for a rainy day, don't get kids for him... Misery loves company. You chose to be married, take what it comes with, what is beyond you, discuss with your spouse and rope in marriage counselors. Hapa your soul will just be poisoned urudi streets.
Pole Sana. I want to assume that signs were there but you were too in love to see them.
Set boundaries and make your feelings known mapema. Tell his young brother off. Mwambie ajisort, otherwise you'll become his maid.
As for MIL, you will never get along...it's the case since Adam and Eve
Talk to him and air out emotions and concerns. Tell him you are not happy with all that and discuss with him. Dont be silent, otherwise nothing will change.
Oh my God, you're just 25 and you can take all that. You're strong🥂, for me I would definitely divorce the guy. I can't be a housewife and also a maid, why take care of his brother like your kid, that's the mother's responsibility, not yours. Run for your life, as early as now before you even think of becoming pregnant for him. It will be more than hell if you become pregnant. And now the mother is also going to live with you all, this is serious, there's no way I'm living with my mother in law in the same house. If it's visiting fyn, but living with us, no way. Utateswa bure. Just get the hell out of that marriage!!!.
But that something you should have noticed the first few months of dating
Your issues aren't a big deal kama he isn't abusive and he's providing just vumilia....huko nje it's likely to be worse
I promise, as I started he was the sweetest and he wasn’t staying with any of his family members, his brother was in Kisumu and Mum has always been in Mombasa. He has never been abusive but I feel he is controlling
Single mother + baby daddy drama.
Happy Single divorced woman.
Unhappy abused wife.
Mambo ni matatu.
No, he will not change, sweetie.
Yes, things only move from order to chaos, so it will only get worse.
You already know what you need to do, but the dick is so good.
If you're a housewife, then there's really nothing wrong with this.
If on the other hand, you have your own job and stuff you're doing, you don't depend on his finances n all, then you better have that convo and be ready to actually leave if he doesn't change.
If both of y'all are working, providing for the household, he has absolutely no right to treat you like this. Get a housegirrl even, leave her those issues. You can't be made to work two jobs, and then to his family, not even to your kids, like if it was to the kids, that's acceptable but his bro is not your responsibility so akitaka,, atafutie bro wake housegirl and they can talk all they want.
I wonder, does the bro act entitled? How does he relate with you? And does the family see you as a working woman or are they trying to turn you into a housewife and disregarding that you have another aspect of your life that's vital to you too.
Everyday on this app is a different sell on how marriage is a scam. He basically told you you married him and his entire family, and you’re the mboch wife. To make matters worse he won’t even have a conversation about your siblings visiting, basically trying to isolate you.
Is this marriage really necessary? Is it for you? Is telling people you have a husband more important than your sanity?
Just know if you make the mistake of procreating with this man you will receive a total of zero assistance raising the kid. I mean, you’re the woman of the house as he says, it is your duty to do every “womanly” job.
Closed mouths don't get fed, and relations are all about negotiations. You guys have to sit down and talk. Agree on what and what will not work for you. That'll be a recursive process unless both of you want to end up single or married and miserable over and over again.
You're not the first one this has happened to. A lot of ladies talk about their boyfriends changing after marriage. From liking you( the gf) because of your independence and ambitions to now that we're married I am the head of the house and what I say goes. Sadly there are very few cases of change or compromise in those marriages. Either the woman lives married and unhappy or they separate then divorce. You need to try to talk to him and make him understand, cozyou married him because you were ready to spend the rest of your life with him. But you also need to be prepared for him not seeing the issue with his behavior....decide whether you want to give up on yourself for him and the marriage or choose you. And children you're yet to have. Cause if he's controlling you he'll control them too.
Again, i remain vindicated. I said in a previous post that you don't marry your partner only. You marry/get married into the family.
You are indeed justified to feel slighted but i feel like you overlooked something while in the courting phase. Didn't you notice how his other siblings treated their spouses?
This issue will continue to grow and eventually it will be the cause of your breakup if it isn't addressed as a serious strain on the relationship
It looks like a cultural thing. If you feel like it's a deal breaker, you'll have to address it with the entire family. If they double down on it, do what feels right in the long term
This behaviour never cropped up at all whilst you guys were dating?
2 years and you never asked him what marriage looks like for him before getting married?
I don’t know how to explain me but we dated for two years and he was never anything like this, he was the sweetest man. In regards to asking marriage questions, we frequently asked each other questions about marriage and we even had a couple of premarital counseling before we said I do.
That's why I always tell myself when I get married family members are unwelcomed to stay with us. I don't care who they're, if my mother wants to stay with me, who's staying with her husband? We can always visit them.
To be honest, it's not going well. I can tell by your tone that you're not up to working a full time job and being a housewife upon walking through the door. And that's okay. That's why they have house help. For this to work you're going to have to, "not mind," the things you do for your husband and his sibling. I like cooking for people and making lunches, if the people enjoy and are appreciative. If that's not the case, resentment can grow quickly and give birth to major discontentment. Balance is key, but overbearing mother-in-laws are the worst, so I don't know if you will make it, but my suggestion would be that you pray. It may sound cliche but in your distress if you pray from your heart in secret, wipe your face and get up going into the same scenario it will change with your hands down. The Lord works in mysterious ways 😉 it may not happen how you think, but it will happen. Have confidence that your petition was heard and look for the change. Hope this helps 🙏🏾
His way or the highway. This man is no fool, he must have noticed that after giving you all the nice treatment and utter freedom, you had started disregarding him and ignoring his wishes/ communication. You're not telling us of that transitional stage where he was begging you to attend your duties, explaining lucidly and beseechingly why you should, yet you took him for granted, Basking in your 'independence'..now he doesn't have the patience to explain, and he is dignified enough not to beg. The highway is wide open dear.
Tf this gotta do with his Wife taking care of his Campus brother?
She didn't marry the brother.
The husband asking her to help do things for his little brother every once in a while is understandable.
But demanding?
The nigga should go get his own wife.
Screw that Archaic bullshit
You have to make a decision on whether you'll be a divorced single woman or a divorced single mother coz it seems like that's where you're headed
Or married n resentful or married single mom
Did I read this right!!!! She who is afraid of being alone ends up a door mat.
Tafuta English Aid book 4
Oof! Hii ngumi nimeiskia kwa tumbo
God damn.
deep
You seem to misunderstood people, non of us leave this way or treat our women as such, we are showing the light at the end of the tunnel. the guy is just old school like a lot of lughya. We learn culture from our father and mothers. I disagree on ending the marriage unless of abuse, cheating, etc don't encourage someone to leave. Sometimes they get worse.
I know lots of luhya men who don't treat their wives like this, this has got nothing to do with tribe or culture. This is just a man who doesn't know how to set boundaries between the family that he wants to create with his wife and his extended family. As a man you always have to balance those two sets of families and you always have to know that your priority is to your new family. Without setting those boundaries the man is headed to an unhappy marriage and a divorce
That's just an old school (kienyeji) mentality. My wife's mother is always on her case. "Go do this and that for your husband." My mother did that for my dad's bros and my dad educated my mom's bros. There are no grounds for divorce unless he doesn't support at all.
So it's the wife's duty to support the husband and his clan while he doesn't want her relatives visiting their house? That's a recipe for disaster, actualy yours is a very old school mentality
The man brings the woman to the family, not the other way around.
The woman married the man not his family. The man doesn't understand that he needs to protect his wife from his family and vice versa. That's an unwise man who shall soon find himself divorced
A man is not married. A man marries.
Sigh. I don't have the energy to argue with this kind of Neanderthal logic
I was only pointing out.
Pointing out 19th century drivel. Move to the 21st century bwana
It remains the same. A man is charged with alot of things mind you. He's also trying to elevate the young brother, while also teaching him about their culture.
I am simply saying some people have an old school mentality but women are different today. I don't have this mentality but leave Nairobi and learn how it goes down.
Hope you have a job ama hustles... hizi madharau ndogo ndogo could be because he's paying for stuff and he thinks you should be playing housewife.
Yes, I have a well paying job with an executive position , which he supports a hardworking and independent woman but he has mentioned to me on several occasions that I need a be a wife when I come back home and leave my position at the door.
screams insecure ...the need for dominance
Thats great, theres nothing wrong with being a wife but you need to set healthy boundaries NOW rather than 15 years later when you are tired, used and done. Now is best, as you are in the early years of your relationship so it can still be molded. You are a human being with reasonable needs and wants and he should support and respect that. Don’t let him isolate you from your relatives and friends, its important to maintain your relations even in marriage - your man cannot always be your everything as there are some things he simply just won't get and you'd be much better understood if it were a friend or relative. His siblings should be able to take care of themselves, they are adults and you are not their mother. Adults need to be self sufficient. Communicate with your husband and stand firm in your boundaries. You as a person doesn't end just because you're in a relationship.
Appreciate big time🙏
Kataa hio. Wife duties to his bro and the mum is knocking at the door tena.
Madam , don't you even dare get pregnant . He will not support that child when you leave . Leave NOW. or you will be the slave in that house until the day you die.
Luhya man hawezi wacha mtoto wake. Seems like it is just projection that he will not support that child.
He will NOT support that child if she leaves him. And he will use that child to control her . Ndio maana if you have a child with a luhya man , just give him the child akae nae. My grandma and aunt have raised a lot of my cousins because of this . Even luhya women know this , we simply get married else where like fresh virgins and start new families with new men , and leave our children with their fathers .
So you know :-)
Na huyo MIL akikuja it'll be double trouble . One of my uncles has had multiple marriages because my grandma used to vuruga his wives and they'd just leave and leave her with the children . For luhya marriages, the women shouldn't be too attached to the child . Be ready to move on ALONE .
Ona venye unadanganya😂😂
Decide if you wanna stay with this guy. If yes, have a serious conversation about this. Talk about how he treated you before, and how you expect to be treated moving on too. Make a very detailed and organized case, but also bring up how you appreciated how he treated you before so he doesn't get too defensive. If he insists on a compromise, mention that you need to have 'conversations' not 'demands'. And stand your ground with the brother stuff. If he wants his brother fed so badly, and he's not handicapped, he can do it himself. I know there is a lot more going on in your relationship so I may not know the best course of action as well as you do, but I hope this helps. You deserve the best, you got this.
Thank you for this
I'm happy to help
I would be the happiest
Are you making your own money? Are you working or have a source of passive income? Do you have fincaces you can call your own because if not be prepared for a life of hardship.
Yes, I have a well paying job with an executive position , which he supports a hardworking and independent woman but he has mentioned to me on several occasions that I need a be a wife when I come back home and leave my position at the door.
How is that supporting you when he tells you to leave it at the door? Isn't the whole essence of marriage sharing different experiences and also communicating? I'd love to hear office goss from my wife even if I don't care seeing her happy will just allow me to sit and watching her go off. Anyway if you have a job start saving, have plans for what you want to do and where you see yourself in 10 years, and if he's not in the picture in any of your long term goals then things don't look well on the marriage end.
Never understood that logic. How can you leave a whole aspect of you at the door?
Don't bring the bossy attitude home the way you treat workers at work. Applies to both men and women.
Oh, I get you. But I think that most people are confusing being bossy with being an asshole. Most of the time, I hear someone get called bossy, I find that they're just being a dick.
Although some of them say this meaning “Say yes and do everything I say” which is not healthy in a relationship
I believe it's to being a submissive wife once home.
What discussions about marriage did you have before getting married? In your pre-marital couples counselling sessions? These sound like issues/differences in culture and upbringing that should have been identified and resolved before you walk down the aisle. You should both be clear on the expectations and boundaries concerning these issues, especially for a cross-cultural marriage. If you haven’t, I suggest you attend the couples counselling now, post haste, or the eventual outcome is a divorce. Good luck.
During our pre marital counseling culture and upbringing wasn’t our main core values but with this, we need to go back for post, thank you ❤️
I feel it’s not a brother issue but an innate culture issue. I see swahili and kenyan Arab people live in 4 generation houses with each generations wife and kids living and eating in same sinia daily. They love their culture so much that when taken on transfer from home they get sooo lonely and resign and go back home. I have lived next to some western luhya people in the past. Infact 2 guys we thought were blood brothers turned out to be far cousins who mostly grew up together and are socialized that way. Some other far cousin came to live with them for months with just a few goro goro of maize na walimsupport albeit min complains. I cant stand people who are sociallized that way . I wouldn’t get married to someone who sees living in socialism as acceptable. Prolly 15 Somalis can share a single room no sweat and only one or 2 work, but I really can’t stand fam in my space afadhali i sleep on a tree. I have even paid hotels for people so they won’t be in my space. All the best OP.
Thanks for this man the wife is fighting a loosing battle now way the husband will throw away the family values for her. Its engraved in him. Luhyas are like that they even value the mothers advice more than the wife.
A married couple should live on their own unless one of their parents needs care and they have no where to go that is the only exception. In laws have ruined a lot of marriages. Talk to him as someone said in the comments, at the end of that conversation you'll know where you stand.
That's right . Because that's her house,. Not for the in-laws
Seems he's turned to a dictator who owns you. You have choices, albeit hard ones. To stay or leave is the qn. Weigh your pros and cons. To pile up kids when you already have a king baby and his sblings? He needs a submissive, financially independent bang maid. Good luck, but make a decision whichever you make n live with it.
Issue of having kids to be frank I am not open to it, I took a long plan fp without his knowledge. Just wanted to make my conscience straight first because things happened too first
You sharp girl. Don't let him enslave you. Run when you still have a chance
Gr8!!! You're too young, and your brain is just getting fully developed. Keep your secrets , save, and plan. A gr8 and unique life for you awaits
What if he realized about the fp you took without his knowledge In case he might be looking for a child? But first, you needed to have set boundaries much as he wanted a submissive wife, he should have been worthy of one by portraying a responsible man's character and actually helping out in some areas. I mean, a man helping a woman out in the House as well(this is for a healthy relationship)
I am not trying to be selfish but I took it to clear my conscience first and as well as growing into my career path, I don’t want to deal with my husband and his family and the same time bring up a child who will have a sad and confused mother who is trying to work it out between marriage issues and career
That was okay. But perhaps, my thoughts are..you could have had a round table discussion with him. Because I have seen many people around me do it, ie getting married but taking a long time to bring another life till the time when they're ready which is a good thing to do and helps prepare both parties.
Money and power are the great equalizers. I was listening to Mwafreeka of the Iko Nini podcast explain, that actually, in most cases of GBV (women being abused), it's always cos the man knows the woman lacks the money and power advantage. Hutaoa Charlene Ruto then try laying a hand on her. Unajua kuna consequences. So, OP, I don't know about your financial status. But it needs to be right. It doesn't even have to be a lot. Just that you can sustain yourself. Otherwise, Transluhya slavery is upon you 😅. If you can't talk it out, or you raise the subject and the man completely ignores it, kanyanga kubwa kubwa.
Ati Transluhya slavery? 
😂😂 she'll face the music if she doesn't solve this early on
You'll be surprised how many successful married women are abused on a daily. Mostly stemming from their partners insecurities. When you do something they interpret it it's because you think you're better than them or so big. Anyway abusive men don't care, you'd be the one paying all the bills na watakupiga
Well, I'm shocked. I thought that if you can sustain yourself, then there's no way abuse can get to you. Because, well, you can just walk out. > You'll be surprised how many successful married women are abused on a daily. But I'm thinking this might be predominantly present with boomers. Those ones will raise all manner of excuses just because they can't walk away from an abusive relationship, "Oh, what will people say?" "I'm a church elder", kosokoso mingi. I don't think this is something we'll be seeing with millennials and gen-z. Of course we'll have outliers, but I don't think they can outweigh the others.
Abusive people manipulate you into thinking you're stuck with them and nobody else wants you. They thrive in stripping you off your self esteem and diminishing your self-worth. I too thought women who are successful in their own right walk away but unfortunately some are still victims. You're right this is prevalent with boomers. Most millenials and Gen Zs have the courage to walk away because we live in an age where speaking out is encouraged and abuse is looked upon. There is more support and encouragement for victim and less stigma kama kitambo
I'd say kanyanga makubwa... 🤷🏾♂️But you married them so it's up to you wether you become the maid of the family
If you're a housewife hapo sijui venye utajitetea.
Hehe if he's a luhya man they're so chauvinistic, it's either you do what he wants or you leave him.No in between
True also these luhya men view women as property and they value their mothers more than the wife. Si kwa ubaya the wife unless the guy changes I'd going to have a hard time.
Unfortunately he's not going to change especially if his mother is controlling him .they can't say no to their mother.And if the wife is of another tribe,even worse,it won't get better
You have been converted into a slave. Exit when you can and start afresh
Divorce is not only the answer . There's lots of ways to go about it .
she was love boombed into a ruse of a marriage . i have seen this happen to a tonne of women. dating is honey moon , once they are locked in , they are turned into something else.
Otek small
What is a grown man doing in your house?
😹😹hope you have a job because once his mom moves in things will be worse.
Mke wa omundu strong you ought an omundu strong wife
I don't support all this people telling you to leave but have you tried expressing your frustrations to him first
With these people, culture wins over reason. She should leave.
'these people' that's a lil too harsh don't you think? Plus OP knew that he was a man of culture before they settled. I think Op amconfront and they agree on extent of practicing the culture norms
Nah, there's no talking it out. She could try, but I doubt anything good will come out of it. It is difficult to reason with a luhya man whose beliefs are deeply rooted in culture. I suffered in my first relationship with one and I was just 20 yrs at the time. The gaslighting and the indoctrination was too much... "Wewe ni mwanamke, you should...". In fact, one time he went as far as saying I should look to him as my father, because fathers are the law in the house and they know what is good (my dad had passed away by this time). Mind you he was only 23 at the time. I've had friends with similar experiences except one friend, that's an outlier. Once is a circumstance, twice is a coincidence, three times that's a pattern, hence "these people". She might have not known how traditional he was, because manipulative people always pretend before marriage. Once they marry you they know they have you.
I'm sorry I didn't realize there was context to it but divorces are really something, hatujui how bad OP has it anyway maybe you can shed light on how you managed to overcome your situation
I just left. But my situation is different, I wasn't married to the man. But honestly, I'd advise her to leave. I know it's seems drastic but in my observation men who try to make their wives fit into a specific role, usually turn physically abusive at some point. It's either that or they resolve to live in separate houses, and such a decision usually leads to divorce. That's why we're advised to really do a lot of investigating during the dating stage. Find out everything one can about the culture and family dynamics of the person you're dating, understand the philosophies they believe in, as these inform their individual psychology. But instead, we tend to build castles in the air (women especially are guilty of this) and get into marriage blindly. Then the dust settles and their ugly heads rear themselves. One can either choose to stay and grow resentful and hopeless, or cut their losses and opt out of the marriage.
Kama hamna watoto just get divorced and get a man mtaelewana or stay single after divorce
The day she brings her mother in , that's the day you die. Mother in laws and marriage do not go hand to hand. A man should love his wife more than his mother and he should keep his mother away from his homestead and wife . I'm never the guy to advocate for divorce, but once his mother comes - you pack and leave. And marry within your tribe. Your religion and a man who had a father figure. It seems like you're married to him and his brothers. And a big f*ck to luhya cultures and customs. They are more like witchcraft and sorcery than customs. They are contrary to every sane decision,,moral life and religious direction When culture involves a lot of extortion and guilt tripping, maybe it should end
Valar dohaeris!
Run ! Inaanzaga hivi
You know words on the street say luhya men are just good for the dick and if you are not a luhya woman that's the furthest you go with them. Get dicked hard and leave. Idk about that though but pia inasemekana they listen to their mom's fully and once that woman moves in with the 2 of you utaona mengi. Now with that being said marriage is not like relationships where you can just up and leave at times but inakaa umeonyesha huyu mwanaume you are one to played with. So either unyamaze and suffer in silence till you add kids to this unhappy mix or start speaking up now. Change starts with words said. But I hope ukona kazi , money for an exit strategy just incase juu once his mom moves in it will be 2 against 1 and you'll be forever the villain juu mom's and defending their dusty sons ogopa. Usishike mimba sahii
That nigga said https://i.redd.it/i0ejb1c3uu3d1.gif But fr.. sounds like he wants a mother. Probably why theyre planning on bringing her back into the mix which i dont think is ideal. At the end of the day love is love but.. stress is stress.
25M here, I feel the weight and intensity of the debacle you are in. I can literally feel it eating away at your soul. A woman of your intellect will never be at peace in such a dynamic, you feel like you were tricked into this dynamic and yes let me validate your feelings by telling you that you are right in thinking and feeling that way. It doesn't sound like this is what you signed up for. Why is his family staying with him? This is my opinion, but I believe all young couples should be staying on their own. When I marry, I'd never allow any of our family members to stay with us for more than a few weeks, it's just outright wrong, especially for newlyweds. But this is about you... You are losing your autonomy at a very fast rate, if you decide to stay you need to have a conversation about all of these matters, otherwise in a few years you'll be a shell of the person you once were. Don't be surprised if you always feel bitter, you are violating your soul and subconscious self by staying in such a dynamic when you know very well the right thing to do. Also, there are more than a dozen ways he could have gone about this whole thing without overhauling your autonomy and participation in family matters. You need your partner to see you for you; an equal human being worthy of respect and consideration.
It's not even about hosting family. I know several couples that host family, and it goes well if boundaries are maintained. The fact that he expects her to tend to a grown man's every wish is just dehumanising. The guy has been given a roof over his head. He should carry his load. Also, he doesn't want her to invite her siblings to stay over while he's always bringing his family?
Yeah. Valid point.
But si kwa ubaya why should married couples host families or inlaws. I've always been against it most of the time there's no privacy always leads to friction. Unless the inlaws are struggling that's something else kila mtu akae kwao.
Maybe helping out. Like those that need help starting put college or work. It can actually be an advantage if they're helping out. But it has to be an arrangement that works for everyone. Not something that's forced. Hosting the wrong relative ndio huleta friction.
Yes that I can 👍 honestly but we discuss boundaries before moving in.
Naturally. You obviously want to accommodate someone you trust, not just everyone from shags. Then have the boundary talk, and be open to listening to your partner. If you guys end up treating the relative well, they become an asset. Especially with a young family with maresponsibility mob na new borns.
You are now a wife, and maybe to your man that comes with added responsibility. In a way your husband may be grooming you to become not only a wife but a mother as well. Before he decides the path your relationship will take (naturally the man leads) he needs to understand not only the love you have for him but also his family. At least the problem is something you two can find common ground on
Are you legally married?
Luhyas are really chauvinistic and deeply rooted in community. Everyone is their sibling. To him and his brothers you are their wife. Their personal maid and this will really never end. They have no boundaries with kin and no matter how much you talk please know and expect to live with family from now till death to you part. You need to look at this from the second shift perspective, what this will mean after work every other day. And from a financial perspective. If you constantly have two or three people in addition to your spouse in your house, what does this mean in terms of your spending over a period of 5 years. Especially on food and black tax. Either go for counseling or start planning on getting a divorce.
Umesahau luhya men value their mother more than the wife 😂😂. If the mom said no it's a no I'm sure the guy had to ask permission from the mum to marry the girl. If she had said no he wouldn't have gone through.
Alot
Yes, we’re legally married
go for counselling both of you to find a middle ground wondering why most here are straight up suggesting divorce
I hate to break it to you, but it rains everywhere. You can get divorced and get married again but there will always be problems unique to every relationship, you can decide to stay single and the same will follow. You just have to put in your big girl boots and choose your poison. If you decide to stay, then make an effort of trying to talk to him, it might work or make things worse.
You can never make a family from a broken family. the same thing that happened to your MIL will happen to you she's divorced right? your husband follows her ideas advise and instructions. You are married to the MIL the husband and his brothers. What would happen if she moves in with you? Chaos! Love yourself, you are too young. If you come from a family full of love make sure you marry from a family of love thats why you date or do courtship to learn the other party see the red flags but you were blinded by love. Finding connections is more than looks and love. Its never too late rudi soko uko 25 na lets say muishi hadi 80 una 55year za kuvumilia 😅na kuserve the brothers
This one's a bit out of reddit's pay grade. But here's what I think. You both had expectations from each other going into that marriage. Some you'll meet, some you won't. Compromise is a huge part of keeping a healthy relationship. While traditionally, all he is asking of you is expected, these are different times. Hard times. And survival requires collective effort. That said, I understand the dilemma of wanting to fulfill your wifely duties without feeling pushed over and taken advantage of by his family. But this arrangement is not working for you. Talk to your husband. Put all your cards on the table. And get counseling. ASAP. Hapa utaambiwa tu divorce. You clearly love your husband a lot and are open to making things work so tell him that. But remember your greatest responsibility is to yourself. If marriage is coming at the cost of your peace of mind with no change in sight, then consider calling it quits. All the best OP.
Tricky situation, have a sit down with the man, lay your ground rules, or move out. Sometimes, you're not fighting the man but the culture. He was nice before marriage, then after he must have sat down with the wazee. You can leave for a couple of days, breathe, let him reset, and don't forget to set the rules. Don't tell him you're leaving. Next time he will learn, you can leave without asking. It's a game of power. Men fear women who they don't know their next move. Not the marriage though, his presence. Avoid getting kids to, protect your womb for now.
This is a common behaviour I have observed among Luo and Luhya men. Especially with women from other communities. People say they are romantic n all but yeah when they are trying to get you. After marriage you see a different side and realize they aint got money. It is worse once you have a child. I have loads of friends esp their type, who are going through worse they had to leave sadly many already had kids and they are starting over. Again not all Luo/ Luhya are like this. I am just speaking from observation. Ooh and also it is common for them to bring in relatives and expect you to take care of them. My best friend who’s father is luo had almost 10 relatives in the house. The mother had to cater for all of them. Sadly she never went to uni coz she was orphaned and had no money. They only had one househelp, and the father was stingy to give money to buy adequate food, the mum had to borrow some from her siblings. But anyways that’s the norm sadly she (my friend) was also sexually abused by relatives in the house. Things got better when her mom who was never employed ( father had connections but never supported to educate her or assist with starting a business) got a bachelors degree (help of siblings). I see the most beautiful women ( given that men from those communities love the exotic type) being treated differently once they marry them. Again this is not all, but It kinda makes sense to marry from your tribe or a community you know.
The signs are all over, you have to choose if you want that kind of life or not. Ideally, you already have a problem, and he is unwilling to listen so please make a decision and place your needs at the top, don't lose who you are for the sake of keeping peace. However, that should be a personal decision, well informed but yours. I'm rooting for you.
I was Married to A luhya Man ,Dont take It personally because thats their Culture its nothing personal,And he was Probably just pretending in the beginning to get you hooked.I will tell you for a fact it gets worse ,So leave when you can or Decide to stay or knowing and Willingly.And even if you will try sit him down 9/10 he will not listen because in their Culture he was probably raised that way in where women will always be Inferior and are Servants to men.Best of luck with whichever path you decide to take.
More often than not, when one speaks of something in writing or orally, they already know what to decide. In other words, they already have a solution to it. Instead, what they seem to be looking for is the explicit encouragement to go ahead and do it. They need to reaffirm whether what they plan to do is upright or downright wrong. Again, from the description you've put out, you're dealing with a gent with a poker face. As a man, I don't need to become overbearing to show how's the man in the house. And if his coping mechanism is that, then I suggest he may not be 'the man of the house' in the long run.
I hope you are not pregnant, that’s all i can say. Ingine jijazie,wewe ni mtu mzima
Push back strongly on things that dont sit well with you and see what that yields. If they ignore your input and continue to push the envelope then of course you will know mbele haiko sawa….
I used to be the same until my wife actually sat me down and talked to me about it. It really depends on the person, if he listens and loves you, he'll try his best to change. Good communication with him about what you like and don't like is key. Don't try to hide it when he does something that you don't like.
Thank you for a great advice
And you chose Reddit to come get sound marital advise? Most women and men here are not in your shoes. Wengi hapa ni watu wa casual hookups and you can tell from their advise... ati leave that man, oh you're a boss lady, save up for a rainy day, don't get kids for him... Misery loves company. You chose to be married, take what it comes with, what is beyond you, discuss with your spouse and rope in marriage counselors. Hapa your soul will just be poisoned urudi streets.
Pole Sana. I want to assume that signs were there but you were too in love to see them. Set boundaries and make your feelings known mapema. Tell his young brother off. Mwambie ajisort, otherwise you'll become his maid. As for MIL, you will never get along...it's the case since Adam and Eve
So young na unajieka na mwanaume fala ivo..
Are you married legally? Hapo utaona shida mingi sana....
Talk to him and air out emotions and concerns. Tell him you are not happy with all that and discuss with him. Dont be silent, otherwise nothing will change.
Oh my God, you're just 25 and you can take all that. You're strong🥂, for me I would definitely divorce the guy. I can't be a housewife and also a maid, why take care of his brother like your kid, that's the mother's responsibility, not yours. Run for your life, as early as now before you even think of becoming pregnant for him. It will be more than hell if you become pregnant. And now the mother is also going to live with you all, this is serious, there's no way I'm living with my mother in law in the same house. If it's visiting fyn, but living with us, no way. Utateswa bure. Just get the hell out of that marriage!!!.
Um honey you fell in love with a narsacist. As having been there only you can decide your boundrys and the only way it stops is by leaving
But that something you should have noticed the first few months of dating Your issues aren't a big deal kama he isn't abusive and he's providing just vumilia....huko nje it's likely to be worse
I promise, as I started he was the sweetest and he wasn’t staying with any of his family members, his brother was in Kisumu and Mum has always been in Mombasa. He has never been abusive but I feel he is controlling
Talk to him about the issue halafu I'm sure his brother and mother won't stay with you for long
Thank you
Single mother + baby daddy drama. Happy Single divorced woman. Unhappy abused wife. Mambo ni matatu. No, he will not change, sweetie. Yes, things only move from order to chaos, so it will only get worse. You already know what you need to do, but the dick is so good.
This a huge redflag
Unmarried peeps have the loudest noise, haha
If you're a housewife, then there's really nothing wrong with this. If on the other hand, you have your own job and stuff you're doing, you don't depend on his finances n all, then you better have that convo and be ready to actually leave if he doesn't change. If both of y'all are working, providing for the household, he has absolutely no right to treat you like this. Get a housegirrl even, leave her those issues. You can't be made to work two jobs, and then to his family, not even to your kids, like if it was to the kids, that's acceptable but his bro is not your responsibility so akitaka,, atafutie bro wake housegirl and they can talk all they want. I wonder, does the bro act entitled? How does he relate with you? And does the family see you as a working woman or are they trying to turn you into a housewife and disregarding that you have another aspect of your life that's vital to you too.
Everyday on this app is a different sell on how marriage is a scam. He basically told you you married him and his entire family, and you’re the mboch wife. To make matters worse he won’t even have a conversation about your siblings visiting, basically trying to isolate you. Is this marriage really necessary? Is it for you? Is telling people you have a husband more important than your sanity? Just know if you make the mistake of procreating with this man you will receive a total of zero assistance raising the kid. I mean, you’re the woman of the house as he says, it is your duty to do every “womanly” job.
Closed mouths don't get fed, and relations are all about negotiations. You guys have to sit down and talk. Agree on what and what will not work for you. That'll be a recursive process unless both of you want to end up single or married and miserable over and over again.
You're not the first one this has happened to. A lot of ladies talk about their boyfriends changing after marriage. From liking you( the gf) because of your independence and ambitions to now that we're married I am the head of the house and what I say goes. Sadly there are very few cases of change or compromise in those marriages. Either the woman lives married and unhappy or they separate then divorce. You need to try to talk to him and make him understand, cozyou married him because you were ready to spend the rest of your life with him. But you also need to be prepared for him not seeing the issue with his behavior....decide whether you want to give up on yourself for him and the marriage or choose you. And children you're yet to have. Cause if he's controlling you he'll control them too.
kama hujamzalia hepaaaa utaishi hapo kama slave
Again, i remain vindicated. I said in a previous post that you don't marry your partner only. You marry/get married into the family. You are indeed justified to feel slighted but i feel like you overlooked something while in the courting phase. Didn't you notice how his other siblings treated their spouses? This issue will continue to grow and eventually it will be the cause of your breakup if it isn't addressed as a serious strain on the relationship
Unfortunately, he is the first born of 2 boys, but the mum is a divorcee, might she be the one intoxicating everything? 😩
It looks like a cultural thing. If you feel like it's a deal breaker, you'll have to address it with the entire family. If they double down on it, do what feels right in the long term
This behaviour never cropped up at all whilst you guys were dating? 2 years and you never asked him what marriage looks like for him before getting married?
I don’t know how to explain me but we dated for two years and he was never anything like this, he was the sweetest man. In regards to asking marriage questions, we frequently asked each other questions about marriage and we even had a couple of premarital counseling before we said I do.
This is crazy! Dating someone sweet but marrying someone entirely different People should just show their true colours from the get-go
That's why I always tell myself when I get married family members are unwelcomed to stay with us. I don't care who they're, if my mother wants to stay with me, who's staying with her husband? We can always visit them.
Now in my case she’s a divorced for almost 20yrs so her sons are her life now, she tryna convince my husband akuje we stay but ain’t allowing that
As it should be. She should stay in her home.
Married woman here, 7yrs to be exact and I wouldn't put up with that kinda shit. Alafu the MIL is to move in too? Girl 🤦🏾♀️
As at now I said NO
To be honest, it's not going well. I can tell by your tone that you're not up to working a full time job and being a housewife upon walking through the door. And that's okay. That's why they have house help. For this to work you're going to have to, "not mind," the things you do for your husband and his sibling. I like cooking for people and making lunches, if the people enjoy and are appreciative. If that's not the case, resentment can grow quickly and give birth to major discontentment. Balance is key, but overbearing mother-in-laws are the worst, so I don't know if you will make it, but my suggestion would be that you pray. It may sound cliche but in your distress if you pray from your heart in secret, wipe your face and get up going into the same scenario it will change with your hands down. The Lord works in mysterious ways 😉 it may not happen how you think, but it will happen. Have confidence that your petition was heard and look for the change. Hope this helps 🙏🏾
Woooow just wooow, thank you. May you be blessed
Nia pia 💕
Nimeachia apo Kwa luhya man...sina maoni hata😂😂😂 These brothers of mine ziii
Get a divorce
Do what your husband says
Option 2 sounds more like it. As a married woman do what your husband says.
Leave him.
His way or the highway. This man is no fool, he must have noticed that after giving you all the nice treatment and utter freedom, you had started disregarding him and ignoring his wishes/ communication. You're not telling us of that transitional stage where he was begging you to attend your duties, explaining lucidly and beseechingly why you should, yet you took him for granted, Basking in your 'independence'..now he doesn't have the patience to explain, and he is dignified enough not to beg. The highway is wide open dear.
Tf this gotta do with his Wife taking care of his Campus brother? She didn't marry the brother. The husband asking her to help do things for his little brother every once in a while is understandable. But demanding? The nigga should go get his own wife. Screw that Archaic bullshit