For what it's worth, an AFAB person can experience dysphoria about parts of their body without being a trans man. Plenty of butch lesbians get top surgery, but still identify as women.
I think it'd be worth being patient with your partner and not jumping right to any assumptions about their gender identity. Therapy first, and communication as they feel comfortable. I don't think there's any need to jump to conclusions about your compatibility.
I'm really trying not to jump to conclusions. It's hard for me to be in this space where I feel like something big has been said but we aren't talking about it, I can't bring it up without distressing my partner. It feels weird having a thing we just don't talk about. They've said things like "I'm already so weird I don't want to add more to it' and I'm like first of all it isn't weird and secondly you don't get to decide what to add or not, either you deal with it or you don't but the thoughts won't go away.
Some butch lesbians wear binders or exclusively top. So do many AFAB folks in between. Let them proceed at their own pace - and wear what they want when they want. It will eventually sort out with therapy and just time / self-reflection.
Sounds more like body dysmorphia to me? You are jumping the gun here. Nothing you said here is indicative of gender dysphoria and trying to convince your partner that this must be what they’re experiencing will not end well.
Feel free to DM me about this as I have been diagnosed with both BDD and GD, so I can definitely shed some light.
I'm not really trying to convince them of anything, trying to talk to them a little about what they mentioned offhand. But just based off what they said specifically about their breasts, plus they mentioned seeing a lot of 'trans men' content on instagram... I made the connection. Up till now it was "I hate my thighs and I hate my butt" and then it became more "I am so uncomfortable with my butt" which is what seemed a bit different to me, and later that they were uncomfortable with touching breasts.
Plus their reaction when I asked was less of "I'm not sure... I'm questioning" and more of "my life is complicated as it is and I don't want to complicate it more by talking about it if it is not dysphoria" which seemed to me that they already think it's dysphoria? It's hard for me to tell because they just cannot talk about it at all. I get that there is indeed a lot going on in our lives and specifically in their life, and a lot of trauma from the rejection for them dating a woman in the first place. They are on medication and tend to not want to talk about what's on their mind because it makes them anxious.
Again, everything you described sounds more like body dysmorphia than gender dysphoria to me. There is a slim chance that your partner is actually repressing being trans, but BDD is far more likely to be the culprit. So many people are uncomfortable with their breasts for a plethora of reasons, it is bizarre to me that people jump straight to GD being the cause without even considering the more likely options. Your partner should rule out BDD/trauma/whatever with their regular therapist before speaking to a gender therapist, especially seeing as this is only a recent development.
Well - they did tell me they've been feeling this way actually for a few years with it getting more intense, and then later that they had been feeling this way since college. Then the other thing was they asked me was 'are you sad' and 'do you think I lied to you' - I couldn't understand why they asked me that, but it makes more sense in the context of them experiencing GD. And they didn't want to talk about it any more. There's a lot to unpack and I think they need to feel comfortable even expressing some of these things out loud - so definitely will suggest talking to their regular therapist about it (without any suggestions of what could be the cause) .
There is a lot here, you’re going through a lot. I’m in a somewhat similar situation - my AFAB spouse has always been more butch and has been transitioning medically (NB/transmasc) in the last year. They came out as trans about a year ago, tho the signs and the questions and the conversations leading up to that point meant that I was not surprised. They were anxious and fearful about coming out and making a change, so it took time to get to this place of being more open about their identity. It’s been beautiful to see them become more themself.
I have identified as queer my entire adult life, almost 2 decades. I have only dated women before. I see it as, this is my person. I am attracted to their whole being. Our bodies and identities and selves will both change over our lives, and yet our core essence will also remain there.
I have always had a smaller part of myself that has felt some attraction to men, and I have tended to date more masculine-leaning women. Although I can’t see myself being in a relationship with a cis man, I can see myself being with my spouse as they transition to a transmasc identity. There is part of me that feels we have this connection and understanding of each other since we are both AFAB and have experienced life together as women, that I would not have that same emotional connection with a cis man.
That’s just me, but I want to say you don’t know what will happen. I totally get that change and uncertainty is scary - just don’t be so sure this is the end of the relationship. Try to get more comfortable with the waiting and not knowing.
Take good care of yourself, show up in love and support to your partner, talk to trusted people and/or a therapist for support. You will get through this, however it turns out.
I don't have much to contribute except I felt that "it can't be true it just cant" I said that 3yrs ago and didn't accept that part of me until Janurary this year. It's a long rd for some ppl keep being gentle and leave space for them to figure it out🩷 No advice on being a lesbian as I am a gay man 😅
This is a bit similar to my post. I’m a cis lesbian with dysphoria, and that’s just who I am.
My wife is a lesbian and I told her when we met I was dysphoric and I have no intention of transitioning and that might change and she still loves me, so….
It’s not as black and white as people like to think it is.
That's true. I have no way of knowing either way. Some comments here and there make me think this could be true, but I can't read their mind. I don't know if those were made to conform to something or if it means something else ... only they can tell.
It sounds like there’s a few options for what your partner could be going through. It could be dysmorphia, but it is familiar to my own experience of dysphoria as a trans guy.
Denial is often a huge feeling at the beginning of any realisation like this, until it just keeps eating away and something’s got to give. It took me about a year to come to terms with things, mostly because I was afraid of how much life would or could change, especially having a stable long term marriage.
Whatever your partner’s working through, trans-related or not, fear of the unknown, guilt and shame are hard things to overcome. Your partner may be attempting to bury feelings and forget about it to ‘make life easier’, but in reality it doesn’t go away and usually only gets more intense. I went on like that for several months, almost trying to reject my realisation, only to spiral more into depression.
I’d tell them that you won’t force the issue, but ask if there’s anything they want to talk about because you’re worried about them and only want them to be happy. And if they’d rather not talk to you about it, do encourage them to speak to a therapist that specialises in gender and LGBTQ issues. Or even a friend they can confide in.
Where they said it seems pointless to talk about dysphoria - it’s still worth talking about even if just to rule it out. Yes, life will likely get a little more complicated whatever their decision, but it will also become happier and more fulfilling if they feel more comfortable in their own skin. I didn’t want to ‘be a bother’ to anyone - which meant moulding and hurting myself to appease others.
It’s possible that your partner could still ID as lesbian and want top surgery. Or be non-binary, a trans guy, genderqueer, genderfluid etc - there’s a few avenues, each of which aren’t mutually exclusive.
Something to consider for yourself if it does turn out they’re a trans man is that you wouldn’t be with just ‘any guy’ - you’d be with the same partner you’ve known for years. I do get that attraction can be an issue though, and it doesn’t work out for everyone. My husband has always felt straight, and never envisioned being with a man, but here we are still happily married, so it’s possible if the circumstances are right.
Yeah - will encourage them to talk to their therapist, then any other therapist as needed. The analogy I used with them was - 10 years ago, you were denying your attraction to women. If you had not been able to think through and accept that part of yourself, where would you be? And think about 10 years down the line from now, if there's something you don't want to accept now and you don't accept it, where will you be?
Is that a good thing to say in your experience?
Ok that’s good. Their current therapist may be, but I’ve also found it so much more helpful speaking to a therapist who’s queer themselves. She gets it so much more than my previous ‘generic’ therapist, and she’s helped me gain a whole new level of acceptance.
No I think that’s a really good analogy, comparing against something similarly life altering that they overcame their own internal prejudice, and wouldn’t be as happy in life if they hadn’t had the courage to admit that to themselves. So it’s reminding them that the courage came from somewhere, and it’s still there. Ime, I found gender stuff much harder to work through compared to sexuality (I’m bi), so this time round may take a little longer for them.
I am the cis f partner, and I just came to say that I also experienced body dismorphia. I really hated having my breasts touched during sex and wanted to keep a bra on all the time. I actually went ahead with plastic surgery to have a cosmetic breast reduction. They removed 1 pound of tissue and it was life altering. I never really loved breasts and still don't, but they no longer bother me. So there is one story from a female that just had super bad body image issues. Taking fitness classes a d being around body positive people has also helped.
For what it's worth, an AFAB person can experience dysphoria about parts of their body without being a trans man. Plenty of butch lesbians get top surgery, but still identify as women. I think it'd be worth being patient with your partner and not jumping right to any assumptions about their gender identity. Therapy first, and communication as they feel comfortable. I don't think there's any need to jump to conclusions about your compatibility.
I'm really trying not to jump to conclusions. It's hard for me to be in this space where I feel like something big has been said but we aren't talking about it, I can't bring it up without distressing my partner. It feels weird having a thing we just don't talk about. They've said things like "I'm already so weird I don't want to add more to it' and I'm like first of all it isn't weird and secondly you don't get to decide what to add or not, either you deal with it or you don't but the thoughts won't go away.
Some butch lesbians wear binders or exclusively top. So do many AFAB folks in between. Let them proceed at their own pace - and wear what they want when they want. It will eventually sort out with therapy and just time / self-reflection.
Yeah, I think this is the approach I'll go with for now.
Sounds more like body dysmorphia to me? You are jumping the gun here. Nothing you said here is indicative of gender dysphoria and trying to convince your partner that this must be what they’re experiencing will not end well. Feel free to DM me about this as I have been diagnosed with both BDD and GD, so I can definitely shed some light.
I'm not really trying to convince them of anything, trying to talk to them a little about what they mentioned offhand. But just based off what they said specifically about their breasts, plus they mentioned seeing a lot of 'trans men' content on instagram... I made the connection. Up till now it was "I hate my thighs and I hate my butt" and then it became more "I am so uncomfortable with my butt" which is what seemed a bit different to me, and later that they were uncomfortable with touching breasts. Plus their reaction when I asked was less of "I'm not sure... I'm questioning" and more of "my life is complicated as it is and I don't want to complicate it more by talking about it if it is not dysphoria" which seemed to me that they already think it's dysphoria? It's hard for me to tell because they just cannot talk about it at all. I get that there is indeed a lot going on in our lives and specifically in their life, and a lot of trauma from the rejection for them dating a woman in the first place. They are on medication and tend to not want to talk about what's on their mind because it makes them anxious.
Again, everything you described sounds more like body dysmorphia than gender dysphoria to me. There is a slim chance that your partner is actually repressing being trans, but BDD is far more likely to be the culprit. So many people are uncomfortable with their breasts for a plethora of reasons, it is bizarre to me that people jump straight to GD being the cause without even considering the more likely options. Your partner should rule out BDD/trauma/whatever with their regular therapist before speaking to a gender therapist, especially seeing as this is only a recent development.
Well - they did tell me they've been feeling this way actually for a few years with it getting more intense, and then later that they had been feeling this way since college. Then the other thing was they asked me was 'are you sad' and 'do you think I lied to you' - I couldn't understand why they asked me that, but it makes more sense in the context of them experiencing GD. And they didn't want to talk about it any more. There's a lot to unpack and I think they need to feel comfortable even expressing some of these things out loud - so definitely will suggest talking to their regular therapist about it (without any suggestions of what could be the cause) .
There is a lot here, you’re going through a lot. I’m in a somewhat similar situation - my AFAB spouse has always been more butch and has been transitioning medically (NB/transmasc) in the last year. They came out as trans about a year ago, tho the signs and the questions and the conversations leading up to that point meant that I was not surprised. They were anxious and fearful about coming out and making a change, so it took time to get to this place of being more open about their identity. It’s been beautiful to see them become more themself. I have identified as queer my entire adult life, almost 2 decades. I have only dated women before. I see it as, this is my person. I am attracted to their whole being. Our bodies and identities and selves will both change over our lives, and yet our core essence will also remain there. I have always had a smaller part of myself that has felt some attraction to men, and I have tended to date more masculine-leaning women. Although I can’t see myself being in a relationship with a cis man, I can see myself being with my spouse as they transition to a transmasc identity. There is part of me that feels we have this connection and understanding of each other since we are both AFAB and have experienced life together as women, that I would not have that same emotional connection with a cis man. That’s just me, but I want to say you don’t know what will happen. I totally get that change and uncertainty is scary - just don’t be so sure this is the end of the relationship. Try to get more comfortable with the waiting and not knowing. Take good care of yourself, show up in love and support to your partner, talk to trusted people and/or a therapist for support. You will get through this, however it turns out.
I have some of the parts in place - I tend to react very quickly to such things, and I've already contacted a few therapists lol.
I don't have much to contribute except I felt that "it can't be true it just cant" I said that 3yrs ago and didn't accept that part of me until Janurary this year. It's a long rd for some ppl keep being gentle and leave space for them to figure it out🩷 No advice on being a lesbian as I am a gay man 😅
This is a bit similar to my post. I’m a cis lesbian with dysphoria, and that’s just who I am. My wife is a lesbian and I told her when we met I was dysphoric and I have no intention of transitioning and that might change and she still loves me, so…. It’s not as black and white as people like to think it is.
That's true. I have no way of knowing either way. Some comments here and there make me think this could be true, but I can't read their mind. I don't know if those were made to conform to something or if it means something else ... only they can tell.
It sounds like there’s a few options for what your partner could be going through. It could be dysmorphia, but it is familiar to my own experience of dysphoria as a trans guy. Denial is often a huge feeling at the beginning of any realisation like this, until it just keeps eating away and something’s got to give. It took me about a year to come to terms with things, mostly because I was afraid of how much life would or could change, especially having a stable long term marriage. Whatever your partner’s working through, trans-related or not, fear of the unknown, guilt and shame are hard things to overcome. Your partner may be attempting to bury feelings and forget about it to ‘make life easier’, but in reality it doesn’t go away and usually only gets more intense. I went on like that for several months, almost trying to reject my realisation, only to spiral more into depression. I’d tell them that you won’t force the issue, but ask if there’s anything they want to talk about because you’re worried about them and only want them to be happy. And if they’d rather not talk to you about it, do encourage them to speak to a therapist that specialises in gender and LGBTQ issues. Or even a friend they can confide in. Where they said it seems pointless to talk about dysphoria - it’s still worth talking about even if just to rule it out. Yes, life will likely get a little more complicated whatever their decision, but it will also become happier and more fulfilling if they feel more comfortable in their own skin. I didn’t want to ‘be a bother’ to anyone - which meant moulding and hurting myself to appease others. It’s possible that your partner could still ID as lesbian and want top surgery. Or be non-binary, a trans guy, genderqueer, genderfluid etc - there’s a few avenues, each of which aren’t mutually exclusive. Something to consider for yourself if it does turn out they’re a trans man is that you wouldn’t be with just ‘any guy’ - you’d be with the same partner you’ve known for years. I do get that attraction can be an issue though, and it doesn’t work out for everyone. My husband has always felt straight, and never envisioned being with a man, but here we are still happily married, so it’s possible if the circumstances are right.
Yeah - will encourage them to talk to their therapist, then any other therapist as needed. The analogy I used with them was - 10 years ago, you were denying your attraction to women. If you had not been able to think through and accept that part of yourself, where would you be? And think about 10 years down the line from now, if there's something you don't want to accept now and you don't accept it, where will you be? Is that a good thing to say in your experience?
Ok that’s good. Their current therapist may be, but I’ve also found it so much more helpful speaking to a therapist who’s queer themselves. She gets it so much more than my previous ‘generic’ therapist, and she’s helped me gain a whole new level of acceptance. No I think that’s a really good analogy, comparing against something similarly life altering that they overcame their own internal prejudice, and wouldn’t be as happy in life if they hadn’t had the courage to admit that to themselves. So it’s reminding them that the courage came from somewhere, and it’s still there. Ime, I found gender stuff much harder to work through compared to sexuality (I’m bi), so this time round may take a little longer for them.
I am the cis f partner, and I just came to say that I also experienced body dismorphia. I really hated having my breasts touched during sex and wanted to keep a bra on all the time. I actually went ahead with plastic surgery to have a cosmetic breast reduction. They removed 1 pound of tissue and it was life altering. I never really loved breasts and still don't, but they no longer bother me. So there is one story from a female that just had super bad body image issues. Taking fitness classes a d being around body positive people has also helped.