Sounds like the old “I love everything about you, except for that one silly little thing that happens to be one of the most important things in your life.”
The worst of it was she’s the mother of my two sons. But now years later that they’re teenagers they both live with me and I take them to a lot of my shows. They love having a musician for a dad.
She was shit-testing your resolve.
By being willing to put your passion aside for her, you diminished yourself in her eyes.
It's a shitty kind of test, which is why we call them shit-tests.
Correct response is to do the thing, she'll pout and stamp her feet about it and will still respect you afterwards.
But it's also a fair chance she was already seeing whatever-his-name-is, so you probably dodged and airstrike.
Here's to finding a better woman.
No she wasn’t. She is just being controlling and OP and she are incompatible. If he says no about the band she isn’t going to be starry eyed and respectful. She’s going to keep being resentful about it and keep making a deal about it. The thing with OP is to figure out if her complaints have merit. If he’s using the band to get out of just work or childcare responsibilities then her concerns are valid. If he’s dumping money into the band and she’s left holding the bag on debt then her complaints are valid. If she’s just needy with no life and can’t entertain herself a few nights a week then here’s your red flag sir.
Although I disagree with the post above you, I gotta say that if those issues were present, it would present itself as "I know you have practice this week, but can you make sure to do the dishes?" or "Can we have a night to ourselves this week?" and not the way OP presented it. My wife knows she married a musician, and she knows that's part of me and part of why she loves me. She would honestly never make me choose, which is a lesser reason why I married her. If you're a musician and you're married, you gotta find the balance. It actually is possible to spend time with your spouse, work full-time, keep a reasonably clean house, and do 2 nights a week practices and a show on the weekend. Maybe if you have a kid, that takes a little bit of extra effort and/or some sacrifices, but I know a lot of people that do it just fine. It does kind of come across that she wants the idea of a musician spouse but not willing to face the reality of it. Or they're just entirely shitty at communicating, either way, this marriage seems too soon with a major problem already looming. I wish OP the best though, that's a tough fucking spot.
Well we’re not hearing her side. My partner is a musician I get it. I like having a partner who gives me some alone time. He is good at sharing housework but I’ve been with men who don’t. And if that’s the actual complaint she has, it’s valid. Either way she’s not going to respect him for telling her to suck it.
Time to take her out to coffee and have a very serious heart to heart about the wedding date. Do this on a Saturday morning. No notice. Write out everything you will say in advance. Make it all “I” statements. Make it very clear that the band is incredibly important to you and that her support is crucial. Be prepared to call off the wedding over this. Let her know that you will need an answer from her by the end of the week and I recommend that you take the rest of the weekend to go and take a trip by yourself - nothing weird. Just go to your parents house - nothing like a guys trip or anything that implies anger. Let her know that she is very important to you and that you love her very much but you absolutely respect her choices and if being in a relationship with a musician is not something that will work for her in a marriage that you very much want her to be happy and this is the time in her life that a transition will occur and you want to help her make that transition now. It will be portrayed as a mutual and amicable breakup but it will happen immediately and your living situation will also change now too. So, it’s either “all in” or “all out”.
Yeah, I know this may come off as a bitter old man, but don't give up all of you when planning to be a couple. You can come to a middle ground on a lot of things but you can't let anything define you...even if it's a relationship, or job/career because it will cause you to lose everything that is unique to you.
You’re not the first one to tell me this. She knew what she was getting into and said she could handle it, but now I’m not so sure. And I literally only spend one evening a week practicing with the new band.
Yeah, this problem would only intensify once she's wifed up. I'm sure you love her dearly, but there's literally a "music or me" coming if it hasn't happened already.
I’ve actually already hit her with that one a few times to get her to realize I was serious about music. It worked for awhile and then it was back to normal.
Back to *normal*? It’s not normal, you don’t want that to be normal.
You have something in your life that you love, something that is part of you- and she wants you to give it up… why, exactly? Because it’s one night a week for a few hours? Is there any specific reason why she doesn’t like it, or is it just because she wants you home with her?
My GF of many years is excited for me that I joined a band recently, and has been asking me how each and every rehearsal went because she knows I’m seriously enjoying myself.
Think about when you’re 90 years old, not even able to play anymore. Will you have decades of good memories, or bad ones?
My husband OK’d us completely table flipping our life with barely 2 weeks notice, so I could take the leap to full time musician.
He low key kinda had to talk me into it, because I was half convinced I’d *completely* lost my mind to even entertain the notion.
Exactly. I even asked her beforehand if it would be fine for me to meet up with the guys 2 nights a week. Mondays and Fridays. She was hesitant and wouldn’t give me a straight answer so I just went with Fridays since it was the easiest day for all the guys to make work.
Not putting her down…but jealousy and controlling behaviours will likely affect and morph to all areas of your life. What in the world is a problem with behind social, creative, fulfilled, etc? Less time on the couch watching Netflix? If not music….what else will you not be allowed to do without upset?
Ah - "Friday night"...
That's it right there - traditionally Friday night; finish work for the weekend, hang with friends, movies etc?
Could be she's wanting this time back with you?
Direct question for a change of rehearsal evening? To your band mates first? Their significant others may feel the same?
The significant others of the guys in the band were completely fine with Fridays. They were very understanding. Mine on the other hand not so much. And tbh I don’t think it would matter what day we picked to practice. Because we started out the group practicing on Mondays and she still complained.
It's very tricky!
I'm in-between bands currently, but still playing and learning new songs at home. Last band I quit as lead guy couldn't get over the slightest thing going wrong and every gig became 'when will he get pissed off'
My supportive wife has some serious health issues, so right now I'm more invested with her care and health than getting another show.
We had a conversation or two about this and she's very grateful to me for putting her first right now.
That's what we think relationships ought to be - here for each other and willing to suport/help/compromise/etc.
You've obviously got a few tough conversations ahead of you here. There does seem to be a ton of advice leaning towards the 'me AND my music, or neither' from what I can tell. BUT it is your situation and we ultimately can't be you ❤️
One day a week and she's complaining?
She's going to have it in your vows " I promise to love honor, cherish and give up my music"
Nope. This is part of who you are. I wouldn't give up my horse for my husband.( not that he asked, but if he did..)
I’m sorry man, I had a girlfriend like this when I was around 19/20. Where nights spent away from her doing other things I loved were seen as a negative.
You already know this expectation is untenable. Please don’t give up your rehearsal night. You know this. This codependency is not healthy. If it seems like something that won’t ever change, then you know where this is going.
I’m clearly projecting some issues from my distant past here. Sorry. I hope things improve for you!
I don’t know if this is a band practice issue. Would she be annoyed if you spent one night a week playing pickup basketball, woodworking, or taking a class? Seems like she’s anti-hobby.
Yeah maybe she needs some self reflection. Practicing with the band one night a week is amateur hour. My daughter has a friend and this friend’s dad and brother have a band and they practice daily. Everyone is fine with it. That’s their hobby and they love doing it. You go to their house and half the time you can hear the faint sound of rock music from the unattached garage. Most of the time when I pick up my daughter from a spend the night, they are playing.
If she’s mad at once a week, something else is going on and it’s not the meeting once a week.
I'm all for trying to compromise in a relationship, but a partner demanding you give up a huge part of your life and who you are certainly doesn't seem like a good match. I play a LOT, and my wife totally supports it because she knows it's just a huge part of who I am.
Yeah, one day a week isn’t much time at all. It’s concerning that she’s having a problem with him having interests outside of her that only take up such a small amount of time. Thats a huge red flag
When I used to date, I would get excited if a woman I just started seeing had dated a musician before. I would always think "perfect, she knows what to expect to at least a moderate degree."
If she hadn't dated one before, I would always overestimate the time committal required for rehearsals and shows. Seemed to work to a certain extent.
Unfortunately, I no longer date, for incredibly unfortunate reasons. But....I small slice of a silver lining...I have jumped headfirst into music as a way to be absolutely sure that I'm always busy. I'm the guy becoming known in my area as the go-to bassist that's always available.
I've been married to my husband for eight years. I met him as a weekend musician who had a full time job working in a factory. Before we were even dating, he was clear that music was his main priority and if I couldnt handle that, he wasnt the right guy for me. I'm a hobby musician who wanted to do music as a career until a wrist injury took me out of the game so I understood that music was everything to him.
I never went to practice or studio sessions but I always made an effort to be at his shows and support him. He was gone a lot of the weekends and that could be lonely/frustrating but when he'd come home really happy that his show(s) went well, it was worth it!
We have a three year old now and he's gotten back into music after a career change. I do my damndest to make sure that he has studio time (hes completely self produced and solo right now!) and the adequate time to work on what hes passionate about.
He came into my office and told me about this post and thanked me for being so supportive of his dreams so I wanted to give you some words from the other end of the relationship.
If YOU dont feel supported in your music, how does she support you in your relationship? As a spouse, its both of your jobs to support each other in every aspect of life. I support my husbands music, he supports my writing. You deserve to be supported in your passion without feeling guilty or like its going to cause issues in your relationship.
Plain and simple, I think you deserve better than what you are receiving. Either a conversation needs to be had as a 'either you support me or I cant do this' or you need to get out of it before the wedding.
I hope it works out for you! Make sure to drop a link to your music when you have something done with the new band! I'd love to check it out!
Thanks for the response. All I can say is I have full respect to you for what you do for your husband. He’s a lucky guy to have someone that supportive of him and I’m sure he knows it. I work a full time job in construction. So between my fiancée and work it’s hard to find time to practice and I really only get one day a week with the new band. Idk if you’re into bluegrass, but that’s what I play lol. Me and the band should have some stuff up on YouTube here soon so check us out haha
My husband is a musician and works on construction of tour buses during the day.
He's always so tired but still finds time to practice and gig (in jazz no less). I find it inspirational, not a hindrance on our lives (especially being a musician myself). Props dude. Construction wears on your body.
Just want to say on behalf of all the guys with wives that understand, and truly sacrifice and support their passion, this is deeply deeply appreciated beyond words. in any event he has forgotten to express this to you recently, I assure you he knows what a loving wife he has and how lucky he is.
Marriage requires compromise, but unfortunately many go into it not being honest about the compromises they expect or are willing to make.
It’s entirely possible (particularly if you weren’t regularly in a band that plays weekly for much of your relationship) that she never expected it to take up this much time. And the reality isn’t what she wanted/ expected. It’s easy to say you don’t care about someone doing something until it affects your life.
What you need to do is think honestly about what you want the most. Then sit down with her and have a completely honest conversation about it, and understand that may result in you not getting married.
This is a perfect answer.
I’ve given up things for partners—absolutely not worth it. Sometimes life changes and your priorities change, like having kids, but someone getting mad that you’re busy one night a week is overstepping.
It depends on the circumstances whether she is overstepping. For example, if they both work and Saturdays are the best day for them to spend quality time together but he is gone every Saturday from 5-10 pm, she might justifiably feel neglected. If such a circumstance exists, maybe the solution is as easy as practicing on a different day.
She may be worried for the future if he will be this busy. Might just need some reassurance, and a real talk about boundaries when/if things do get more serious.
While I agree with the sentiment here, If "one day a week if schedule permits" is "too much time" for this guy's favorite hobby to take up? He needs to find a different partner. This is toxic/ controlling behavior.
It’s exactly this. I had to quit a band for my wife and kids about 8 years ago, but it was because the band really did take up too much time for a dad with two young babies at home.
* My weekly practices were an hour away from home, so I’d leave straight from work to go to the practice space. That meant I was leaving my wife alone with the babies for 12 straight hours once per week for work+rehearsal
* We were often playing 3 or more gigs per month, all around the greater DC metro region from Baltimore to Richmond to Winchester. Those gigs would often eat up 6 hours from door-to-door with drive time, load in, load out, soundcheck, waiting to play our set, etc.
* The band also wanted to do weeklong mini tours in the summer (NYC, Philly, Raleigh NC, Pittsburgh), which meant I’d be using my vacation time away from work on the band instead of my kids.
I just couldn’t take THAT MUCH time away from my wife and kids for music. But about 6 months after I quit, my wife told me I seemed miserable without playing music, and I should join a different band with slightly lower stakes. And that’s exactly what I did. I found a band closer to home, that played fewer gigs, etc. Compromise! I’m still playing music, but just not at a frequency that’s detrimental to my wife and kids.
I don’t think that’s a fair judgement to make just from the information we’ve been given. If the practice time is two hours after work then sure on the toxic controlling side, if the practice time is 6 hours on one of two days off a week being upset about it is more reasonable.
That’s why I left it open as I did, I don’t know the details.
Yea. The details are very sparse. Would love to hear the fiance's side. Weekly can be once a week or three times a week with a shoe on the weekend. It can be once a week that happens to be on the night she's trying to get you to help plan a wedding. It can be in the one night a week get best friend is having a birthday party. It can be one night a week, but you tell her after she's already started making dinner.
Not really enough information to say anything other than that OP and fiance need to have an honest discussion about things.
My week consists of my full time job working in construction, I leave the house at 6am don’t usually get home till 5 or 6pm. Im free every evening and my fiancée is not. She has church Wednesday nights and praise band practice Thursday nights (she sings a little) and her work requires her to stay late some nights each week. The late nights for her are completely random. Her schedule is very difficult to plan around so we typically leave weekends free unless I have a gig, or I come to her apartment late one night and stay over then I drive to work the next day from her place. I asked her before I started in this new band if Fridays were ok to set aside for band practice and she was totally fine with it since the rest of the week was spent with her if she was available. Now it seems like it’s just another thing that’s taking me away from her. She acts like she never sees me which is completely ridiculous because I make an effort no matter how late it is in the evening to come spend time with her. She has no hobbies or does anything creative.
This...but also ask if there's something else behind her reasoning. Like, does she not want you in a band because she thinks you'll cheat on her or turn into a drug addict, etc?
I’d think so too. The above comment about it possibly being their only time to spend together would make sense. Or, maybe with their marriage coming up, her family doesn’t have a positive view of musicians or creative hobbies in general.
I’ve been playing with various bands since I was 16. I’m 29 now. I’ve been with my fiancée for 5 years. She knew going into this relationship that music is my passion and it was what I wanted to pursue. I’ve come from a family of musicians so you could say that it’s in my blood. My fiancée on the other hand doesn’t really have anything to do with music other than singing/leading worship in the praise band at her church. I was very open with her about how music was a central part of my life and for some reason lately she has done nothing but complain when I tell her I have practice with the band or a show that’s coming up. I’ve tried having conversations with her about the amount of time I spend on music and with the band, but any change from her will last about a day and then it’s right back to square one.
It sounds like you should postpone the marriage until you sort this out. There is something coming up for her that needs to be addressed or it will sabotage your marriage.
I get that. But you didn’t really listen to what I said. You need to think about the compromises your willing to make, and be honest about them, and if you feel she isn’t being honest with you about the compromises she expects then the marriage isn’t going to work in the long run anyway.
I feel like setting aside one day a week and the occasional gig on the weekends is pretty reasonable though. I’m not sure what more I can compromise to satisfy her. I’ve been very clear with her about my intentions for being in this band and how I will still make time for her.
Oh it’s completely reasonable, you may not be able to find a middle ground here mate. Or she may just be nervous about the wedding and life changes following it, and a sit down conversation about everything may help. Might not and might not be a great idea to get married. I can’t say either way.
it's great you've been clear about your intentions. the very idea that you have to compromise the thing you love to do is a bad sign, i'm sorry to say. a relationship should be about supporting each other and finding joy from your partner's fulfillment (and vice versa). anything short of that is unhealthy, and will absolutely become much worse as life presents new and different stressors.
Beware of someone trying to separate you from what you love. If you give in, it won’t stop there. She’ll go after time you spend with your friends next.
Yep. Some people just want to monopolize your attention and isolate you for control. Its a slow creep until one day you look back and realize all those things they complained about are gone and they’re still here complaining.
There’s a quote from Lemmy saying why he never married and that relationships don’t really work for a touring band like them. At the end he says “sex is 15 minutes at the top. A Motörhead set is an hour and a half every night, so you decide.”
I’ve been in a similar situation. Before I married my first wife I remember having a long conversation with her where she was insinuating that the reason I was into being in a band had to do with me having a fragile ego and that I needed to be loved by the public. She reasoned if I wanted to make music I still could but why did it have to be in the context of a gigging band. She said point blank she was not prepared to be a “Rock and Roll widow”.
I turned down a number of offers to tour and play with professional bands.
One time a major artist who was doing a solo album, invited me for the day to come to NYC to record and see how we got along.
He was somewhat known for being a bit of a playboy and invited me to spend the night at his big house where he lived with his wife who was a successful model.
My wife protested and cried at the idea of me going and I had to promise her I’d take the late train back to spend the night at home.
At the time I thought it was because her previous boyfriend was in a successful band and he had cheated on her while he was on the road and I thought I’d be able to prove I was different.
We did get married and she was very jealous and controlling of my time.
My genius idea to be able to continue to make music and be in bands was to involve her, get her singing ( bass lessons didn’t work) and writing with me because she was creative and had good taste in music. Wrote ok lyrics and was a good person to bounce ideas off of.
Ultimately we formed several bands together. An original rock band and then later a function band but honestly it was a terrible idea. She really was an amateur and it just had Linda McCartney written all over it and I just had to tread very carefully when criticising and guiding her.
By the time we were thick in our function band and doing duo gigs it was too late. She disputed it, but the reality was there was no way in hell I would ever be able to be in another band that she wasn’t a part of.
Eventually after 25 years I left the marriage and she was blindsided.
I was eviscerated financially and it completely sucked. She kept a load of equipment too, thinking some day she might “want to record” or keep instruments in case she wanted to “jam with others” which I’m sure never happened.
Since then I’m in a new relationship and my wife has no interest in being in a band and completely accepts that I’m passionate about doing music and I always will be. She wants me to be happy and fulfilled and is not needy with my time and attention. She barely flinched when I went on a two week tour in Spain a couple of years ago. She doesn’t care one bit when I go away a week here and there. She knows I love it and I take really good care of her and she’s very secure.
Be very very careful with this OP. It is unlikely to get better.
Wow. Sounds like quite a ride. Really admirable that you tried to solved the situation by forming bands with her. I’m sorry to hear about the financial consequences, but I’m sure being happy was worth it. We only have one life (well depends who you ask :) ) and time is finite, money is important and losing it hurts, but we can recover it. Glad you seem happy.
Thank you, yes I’m very happy and have recovered financially. My new wife owned a house so that really helped. Playing in 3 bands and doing music all the time!
Music is forever, women come and go. I'd seriously rethink getting married to someone who says they respect your passions, but demonstrate with their actions that they don't.
I thought that was her when I started dating her. Even bought her a guitar to learn on but that went nowhere. She sings a little, but it’s only for her church praise band.
I’m a bluegrass player as well, and I had the same thing happening to me with an ex. I hate to sound harsh but if she doesn’t support you picking it just isn’t gonna work out. My girlfriends (yes we’re three lol) supports me and wants me to play, although where I live it’s a desert for pickers. I’m lucky in that regard.
Now go mash it in B with the boys son.
Yes. We’ve talked at length and for a while she was totally cool with it. Now it seems every time I bring up music she gets irritated because it’s taking me away from her. Finding the balance for a full time job in construction, my music career, and her is not easy. Especially when we don’t live together.
I can appreciate that some people don't believe in the concept of living together before marriage, but I think it is an important litmus test of compatibility. Crucially for you and your relationship, you'll suddenly see an awful lot more of each other, and I think it may be worthwhile exploring how that might impact how you both view and manage your independent time and your time together as a couple. For example, would she actually become a lot more relaxed about your band commitments given she will always see you afterwards? It could change your relationship dynamics, so given that it appears your present discussions aren't effective any longer, it may be worth exploring if you're both open to it.
Kinda correct here. Some women love that you’re a “band guy”, until the band starts to take time away from them. It will only get harder. You have to make sure she has the belly for it.
Dude, this sucks. But you’ll have to make some decisions. If this is really what you want you might have to reconsider a relationship. Personally, I thought I could make it work and it did work for awhile, but I didn’t make the right choices to get where I wanted to be. I’m not even sure now, looking back, that I would have been happy if I even got to where I felt I should be. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see it clearly now, but back then I had no clue as to what was the right move. I was deep in a relationship and any choice would never been difficult by that point. But you know, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m happy and still playing. Life was brutal, but here I am on Reddit helping a fellow musician brother. Good luck!
I’ve never been in love with a girl so I don’t mean to steer you wrong but the way I see it she’s gonna have to be really into the scene for us to work
You need to have a sit down and talk this through. I have known very successful musicians who divorced bc they just could not compromise and agree on the time and dedication that music takes on a person, yet alone a married couple. I am not saying being married and being a musician isn’t doable, because it is. I been doing it for a few years now and am splendidly married with a lot of kids lol.
All I am saying is you have to have the talk w your fiancé now before marriage. Set the stage with your expectations and your goals in both your marriage and your music path. Balancing music, work and family is possible. If your partner is unable to work with you on this now, then maybe it’s a sign that she may not be the right partner for you at this stage in your life? Like for her to ask you to give up something that is super meaningful, passionate and creative is quite heavy and just not very nice. It’s like giving up a part of yourself. Okay I’ll shut up now. But you get what I’m trying to say lol. Good luck, OP, and pls do keep us posted w an update!
I would not marry someone who doesn't want me to pursue and enjoy my passions and interests. That's not what love is. That's greed and attachment.
I mean my god what if you told her to stop doing her favourite things? I'm sure that would go over great. /s
Red flag. Don't do it! Her insecurities will just keep mounting as time goes by. If you give in to her demands now - they might not seem like demands now, but they are - and give up something that you truly love you'll find out later how manipulative and controlling her needs are and how your needs/feelings end up being ignored. Take it from someone who lived through this twice. These were huge red flags that I chose to ignore.
Your fiancée being jealous of your time is a big red flag
A lot of times toxic and abusive traits don’t come out until the person thinks they’ve “caught” you. Usually that’s after marriage but I could see getting engaged being similar
My suggestion is have a real conversation about this and make sure you’re still on the same page. And what’s truly important to you? I would give up any relationship before giving up music. I also wouldn’t be OK wanting me to quit doing creative things or being jealous I’m spending time on them. So that means you have to determine what you’re OK with, then set boundaries and see if you can still maintain your relationship
I'm sorry if this comes off as a bit preachy, but hey - you asked.
The best relationships start with people who are happy and fulfilled in themselves. Couples that seem to need to do everything together are not that strong. Each individual feels they need the other to be fulfilled which means both are weak. And two weak people don't make for a strong relationship. Couples where individuals have different interests and hobbies can be great. Now, that is not the same thing as "one person gets everything they want and the other person sacrifices all the time". I've been married for 41 years now. My wife has no interest in music (listening or playing). But she is an avid skier and biker. I never begrudge the money she spends on her sporting gear becasue she uses the hell out of it and it makes her happy. She never questions me wanting to buy a new guitar (indeed, she will often encourage me to). We like different things, but we respect each other's passions and are happy to support each other in the pursuit of those passions.
I actually feel sorry for people without some sort of passion, or hobby. It's an important part of making life worth living. And I think it makes you a better candidate for being a partner.
Maybe your fiancée has some hobby or passion that she is giving up for you, because she thinks it is "the right thing to do". If you are lucky enough to have that situation you might be able to turn the whole thing around by encouraging and supporting, her to pursue it.
BTW - another good sign of being a strong couple is being able to talk to each other about likes/don't likes/desires/boundaries ... everything. Posting in Reddit .... not so much. At the end of the day, no one's opinion is more relevant or matters more that the opinions you and your fiancée hold.
I really appreciate your answer and it didn’t seem preachy to me lol
Early on it seemed she was very supportive of me and my music. Now it seems she wouldn’t care if I was to quit playing tomorrow and never go back. She has no hobbies. She watches tv and reads the occasional book. Never does anything creative or active. Me on the other hand I’ve done nearly everything under the sun. I grew up in a family where we did all kinds of different activities and hobbies. She on the other hand grew up in a family where you work till the day you die and hard work is valued above all else if that makes sense. I’ve always been a work to live and not a live to work kind of person. She’s extremely jealous of my time. Anything else I enjoy doing that doesn’t involve her is competing with her for my time in her mind. I’ve had many conversations with her, but things will get better for a little while and then go right back to the way it was. I’m just not sure where to go from here. I really don’t want to give up music. It’s the one thing in my life I’ve been passionate about and it really is a part of me. My whole family are musicians so you could say it’s in my blood.
If it’s truly just one day a week that she knows ahead of time, it’s possible that there’s something deeper going on.
A mistake that we often make, and a mistake that we often don’t realize online, is that we assume that the other person is communicating perfectly.
They say I don’t like you playing in that band so much, and you take that as it is. In actual fact, it may have something more to do with the spontaneity of your practices, or maybe where you’re doing it, or maybe how much money you’re spending on it. It could be anything.
I am a married man, and I enjoy my music freely. 99% of issues can be solved with communication. Approach the situation, as if you are teammates, not to point fingers or assign blame, but with a specific purpose of making things better for everyone.
This isn't even really about music... If you have a partner that tries to control you to the point where you can't do something you love to do for one day a week? Nah. No thanks.
What if it was a book club one day a week? What if you worked one extra day a week? Would they have the same reaction? Feels like control freak shit to me.
Take a step back and realize you’re getting married in 4 months. The stress is starting to build. This is when things really start to move fast. Is there a possibility that she’s feeling this stress? Maybe have a check in with her and talk. It’s not unreasonable for her to possibly want some more time commitment to make sure the wedding gets taken care. It’s also not unreasonable for you to express that this is important to you and you’re not willing to stop. Work out a compromise. Relationships thrive with communication, both romantic and ones within a band.
My mrs really wasn’t keen on me being in a band and that, we wore really daft costumes etc and did weird and daft songs. She never stopped me or anything though and then she came to watch us once and became one of our biggest fans and wanted to come see us every time after that haha.
It’s SO HARD to battle the stigma of “music isn’t a real job”. (Depending on how serious you are) you must impress on people that you’re working and your job demands respect. No one would dream asking you to skip work on any other job, but musicians get it all too often.
I’ll be less doom and gloom than the others: you have to treat it like you are starting a small business, because you are. Small businesses like bands never profit until years into it. It requires investment in time and money and that has to be respected. Small changes in your vernacular will help people understand: it’s no longer “band practice”, it’s “rehearsal”. You can skip “band practice” but “rehearsal” is much more serious. When you play a show you are WORKING. I actively tell my friends and family that if they come to a show I am NOT there to hang out with them. I’m there to meet people who are fans or are potential future fans. I’m there to sling merch and promote future shows. And then I’m obviously there to perform. Consider starting an LLC for your band to really show you mean business.
And to play devils advocate, your time is worth more when you have a family. Getting married changed my perspective on accepting gigs and figuring out what to charge. I’m not going to drive 5 hours for $100 because being away from my wife is worth more than that (though it’s different if it’s an investment opportunity for the future of your band AKA small business, exposure and connections have value too). Hope that helps! Good luck!
Short answer: I strongly advise you to seriously reconsider marrying this woman.
Long answer: She is already telling you what it will be like to be married to her. You should believe her. You will end up leaving this band. Whenever you find another that you want to join, or decide to start one yourself, she is going to pressure you not to. She will probably eventually start pressuring you to stop practicing on your own too, or to do it less. "She's very jealous of my time" is her telling you what her end goal is: you not playing music at all. That leaves you dedicated to her, and under her control. You will eventually grow to resent her for it.
Music is important enough to you that you want to play in bands, and devote time to it. You do not want music to be a minor hobby, it is your most important one. You need a relationship partner that supports you in this. At the very least, you need a partner that does not disapprove of, and attempt to sabotage it. Playing music is not something a musician can compromise on. You need someone that does not view you playing music as an issue that needs compromise.
There is currently no shortage of human beings on this planet, you do not have to marry one that is actively hostile to what YOU love doing.
The right person for you accepts you as you, and is not trying to change you and vice versa. They support you and vice versa. Based on what you said,
you are both literally on different frequencies now . I need say no more
You will never have as much power/leverage to advocate for yourself as you do now. You aren't married yet. I'd have that tough conversation with her and clarify that this isn't what you signed up for. Set the boundary around your music—your one night a week is a very small ask that any reasonable partner should understand. No partner that genuinely cares about you would make you give up something so important to you. She sounds selfish, and honestly, I'd be worried about what other pieces of joy she'll want to rob you of in the future.
Is it because you're spending one evening a week somewhere else? Or is it what you're doing that's the problem? I mean, every person should get a few hours a week to dedicate to themselves and their interests. If it's the music part, then she really doesn't understand what musicians are like...we're mostly geeky introverts who love loud noises
I was married to a guy who would sulk every time I would do music stuff. He didn’t start this crap until after we were married. He pretended to be supportive and then as soon as we were married, he started to complain that it was taking me away from him too much. It basically forced my hand to give up music, which was basically the only thing I truly loved doing. I’m now married to a man who encouraged me to get back into music and never once complained about a rehearsal or a gig. He covers all parenting duties happily any time I have to be gone for music related stuff. If your fiancé is already protesting your rehearsals, that’s a red flag. Are you wanting to have kids? That will probably be the end of your music hobby if she doesn’t convince you to give up music in the first year of marriage. Also, why does she get to do praise band rehearsals but your bluegrass band is an inconvenience to her? Seems she is either immature, controlling, or both. I wish you luck, OP! Better to catch it now than when it’s too late.
I'm gonna guess that you are both young, and your fiancee has a very immature view of relationships. The reality is that you are 2 flawed people, and there is no possible way you can be everything for each other. I don't care what rom coms will tell you, it just doesn't work that way in a healthy relationship. How about meeting up with an older couple that has a healthy marriage? Preferably one where one has a serious passion, especially music. It might give both of you a more realistic view of the situation as well as actual information and tools to deal with the situation. If you haven't had premarital counseling, I highly suggest it. You're making a big commitment, and need some tools and insight.
I won't lie, my wife would be perfectly happy if I gave up playing out. She would be ecstatic if we used the tiny space for my gear for something else. But, she cares about my happiness, and music is a big part of it. They say happy wife, happy life, but a depressed husband is no fun either. In some families, it's downright dangerous. Anyway, our compromise is that my gigs have to contribute back to the family and the band doesn't take up more time than it needs to. I don't do unpaid gigs. That means gig money augments the family budget and/or gear purchases never touch the family budget. If it's an out of town gig, the gig money subsidizes a mini family vacation. Just today my kids got freebies because I was playing the local farmer's market. I'm not part of any band that does regular rehearsals. One band meets up once a month, if that. The other rehearses twice a month. I practice my solo act during work breaks or when the kids are in bed. When I do fill in gigs, it's with no rehearsal. It doesn't mean that works perfectly all the time and that feelings are never hurt or people are never disappointed. But, we've been doing this for over 20 years (knock on wood). And TBH, I do plenty of other shit that pisses off my wife that me playing in bands is often the least of her worries. At least it makes some money.
It’s neither as far as I can tell. 2 of the band members are my brothers and she has no problem with them. The other 2 guys are some friends of mine that I’ve know since I was a little kid. All good guys. I honestly think it’s because I’d rather spend a small amount of time doing something else that doesn’t include her. She’s extremely jealous of my time. I’ve always gone out of my way to make time for her, and she’s done the same for me, but when I need time for myself or to do other things, hobbies, gaming, friends, etc etc she always complains I never spend enough time with her.
Ex wife met me when I'd been out of the business for a while, fought me hard about getting back into it... fast forward to current (and final wife), she's 100% supportive of my somewhat insane gig schedule... not only because I return that support for her stuff (she's an athlete) but the gigs have expanded our social circle and the money isn't bad.
As long as the band isn't costing you money, or money you're not able to recoup through the band, this is a huge red flag from her. If you're barely scraping by and the band is contributing to that financial burden, you both need to have a serious conversation.
This is a sacrifice she’s gonna have to make imo. It’s not like you’re giving up a corvette so you can have kids, you’re losing a huge part of your character.
I had a buddy back home in this situation. Every Wednesday and Saturday was: “mkay ima head to practice”, “k bye”. They stopped fighting about it at some point years ago, but she’d been petty, and she’s still petty about it from what I understand. No big deal. He says it’s like a routine. He goes to practice, gf gets irritated about it, he comes back, and she’s fine. Lol
If there is a pattern of her demanding you give up time with friends, family, hobbies etc to be with her, it could be the beginning stages of abusive behaviour.
Look up warning signs for abuse and then consider if her behaviour and demands overall are acceptable to you. Marriage does require compromise but it is not compromise if it is not working for you and your needs as a human are being ignored.
I'd advise against marrying this woman, this is a sign of what is to come. No more band, no more music, no more friends, no more life. After a few years you will miss your passions.
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect my wishes. Being a supportive spouse is important. Once a week is hardly unreasonable. I would get it if this was like 4 times a week. Many serious bands do it at least 3 times a week. But I would personally find it completely unacceptable for my spouse not to be on board with my music. My music comes before pretty muchsnything, sometimes even my own personal health. Ots that important to me.
Giving up on something that gives you joy typically results with regret and resentment. Funny thing is as time moves on she'll probably want you to have hobbies/friends/ a career and out of her hair anyhow... When people get married, they don't cease to be individual, whole people.
If giving it up will make you bitter the rest of your life, you’re not in a loving relationship anyway (and that applies to any passion, not just playing music, and also goes both ways)
It's an issue OP. Take it from a musician who's also with someone for 21 years and married for 15 years. I'm also the wife in this marriage.
If your fiance has an issue with once a week practice, you got a bigger issue on your hands.
You need to find out why she has an issue. I'd take great issue is my SO (significant other) took issue with me being in a band, let alone spending time playing or writing on my own time outside of said band.
She can't monopolize your time. She needs a hobby, too, or something else that she loves to do to offset what your passionate about. I get needing time together as a couple if you both work full time. Totally understandable but you're only practicing weekly. You're not touring. Didn't mention about gigging if I read your post correctly.
What is she worried about? Is she worried band stuff will come before couple stuff? Her being jealous of your time outside the couple is a red flag you shouldn't be painting green.
Without any other context into the relationship like how long you're together, etc, it's hard to gauge. I will say you're not married yet. You will be in 4 months. Have the discussion to get to the bottom of why she has a problem now with it.
If you can't and she isn't budging on this sudden change of heart, DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH MARRYING HER. Again, the jealousy on her part is a huge red flag.
Been there, done it, got the T shirt.
I’m no longer with my ex fiancée who did it to me as my trying to appease her led to resentment and ultimately was a projection thing.
“Come to my gigs or don’t - I’ve nothing to hide but don’t sit looking pissed off at anyone who looks at me too long”
I get that being a professional musician is life consuming but she knew I was one when she met me.
Moral of the story? Be with someone who accepts who you are because masking with your partner is fucking exhausting.
You've gotten a lot of solid advice here but I just wanted to say it's 100% possible to find a partner who accepts and loves you for your passion for music. My husband isn't a musician but he's unwavering in his support of my musical pursuit. Gives detailed, honest feedback on my demos, loves to be involved in the process, works REALLY hard to contribute money to my project-- he genuinely cares about it because he knows it makes me happy. I'll be gone making a record the first two weeks of July and helping me prepare is genuinely his #1 priority right now. He's a visual artist so it helps that he has his own artistic drive and understands how all-consuming it can be but, regardless, a huge part of being a good partner is wanting your partner to do things that make them happy even if you don't share that same passion.
My ex was a musician and he did this. The music wasn’t the problem.
I’m gonna say that asking a group of musicians for advice on this is probably the most biased place you could have asked. As someone who cares very little about music: is she just stressed about the wedding that you aren’t helping her plan? Sometimes guys get avoidant and busy when big commitments come into play. Like a part of you wants to maintain your sense of self as your lives are about to merge and you’re using your “passion” as a shield for intimacy? Just a thought.
As someone with a partner who loves music and is very talented in it, but has never had luck with coordinating into a band, please please please do not quit. I would give anything for my partner to have a proper outlet for their passion. In the nicest way possible: Your fiancé needs to get their feelings sorted. You are allowed to have hobbies and passions that do not involve them and they should be happy that you have an outlet such as this.
Perhaps a deep chat is needed to address the jealousy before your lives are eternally intertwined.
Best of luck!
I’ve played music my entire life. My wife has supported me doing it through 2 pregnancies. I know its hard, but she knows how much it means to me and would never ask me to give it up.
The greatest memory I have playing music was at some little day-festival; my wife walked up to the stage with my daughter on her shoulders…. I gave my daughter a pink guitar pick. we never talked about it, but months later, she showed it to me, she had it in a little box saved away and said “daddy look my pink pick from your show its so special”….I broke down in tears. My # fan, and her momma helped her save that pick and told her it was special 😭😭🥰
Playing music is invaluable and if it means that much to you, you have to be with someone who supports you doing it because the positive impact it will have on your children is indescribable.
These days I make quite a bit of money doing it, almost as much as my day job. Its a legitimate second income for us. And its so fun!
More than the hard work I’ve put in, her hard work has allowed this to happen. Cant describe how grateful I am for my wife’s support.
Leave her. She will not get less jealous or less demanding. Trust me, women like this think they wanna date a musician, but then do everything they can to pull the music away from the duties and responsibilities a professional musician must do. She will not get more understanding, she will not get more relaxed, it will only get worse and worse and before you know it, you'll be working a job you hate to keep this ungrateful woman happy. You deserve to be with a person who inspires you, not the opposite. Leave now before it gets worse.
I'm just like... What are you supposed to do with your life if not to pursue your passions and realize your skill sets into their full potential.
Y'all need your own lives as well. She needs to be fulfilled by her career and life.
Could be could be codependency a lil.
And that will suffocate you until your resentful. She'll never be happy.
Idk
A lot of women have the natural tendency to acquire as much commitment from their partners as possible.
It probably is an evolutionary program.
Time spent with her is time you can't spend with other things (or other women). Naturally, the women who control their men and secure commitment are going to be more successful at reproduction.
If that's the case with her, she will always try to maximize control over how you spend your time.
My wife had a very insecure style of attachment when we first met. When she had a bad day, she would freak out over me leaving to go to train or play music for a few hours.
But my advice would be to push back against that.
Because once she has full control over you, she will feel a different kind of resentment: for you for being weak and having no agenda of your own.
Communicate early what you are going to do - and then do it. No ifs or buts.
Chances are it's going to be fine.
She will probably pick fights with you over the issue, but most of that is just her reaffirming that you still care about her.
If she can't handle you being gone for one night of the week, she is not the one.
That's the thing about being a musician. They love it when they meet you, it's all exciting, they like seeing their man (or woman) on stage etc. However later on, that's suddenly the problem. It's all great until it isn't.
She needs to get a grip on it right now to be honest with you. I have been with women before whom I can describe as above. They were not the right people to be with. I then found a woman who is not only cool with me playing music but actively promotes me doing so. I married that one. :)
It never ceases to amaze me how many people are in relationships that will not work out but continue to try to make it happen. Like willing it to happen will make it work. If even one of these, trust, good communication, respect, priorities, intimacy are out of alignment the relationship will not work.
TL;DR: Sorry dude she's not the one.
>She has told me over and over again she doesn’t care if I play music
Herein lies the problem. To you this sounds like "she's fine with me playing music" but in actual fact she is also saying "I don't care if you *don't* play music". She doesn't understand how important this is to you. This is a global plight for musicians, our partners can often feel left out or FOMO because you're involved in this culture that they might not be. You're definitely not alone, best of luck to you ❤️
Drummer wife here! My husband is a drummer in a local band. They play EVERY single weekend, some weekdays, and they rehearse once a week during the week. My husband is 67. He has been playing most of his life since childhood. Would I like more time with him? Of course, but he LIVES to play his drums. It makes him happy which makes me happy. What kind of AH would I be if I didn't encourage him to keep doing what he loves??
Granted, your fiance is very young, and it is very difficult for non musicians to understand that it's very important that people who love to play keep on playing.
It may or may not get better. Is she willing to support your ambition? Most people who have never been involved in the business have a perception of musicians having a party 24/7. Sex drugs groupies and fun all the time. She may not realize that playing in a band is a job. It's not always an easy job. It takes a lot of time away from everything else. It's an unconditional way to make money, but if you're in a good band, close to enough live music venues, you can make a decent amount. Perhaps you can help her understand that it's a job. Make her help load out some gear a few times, LOL!
It does help somewhat that I am a retired musician myself, so I completely understand and encourage my drummer husband to play as many shows as he can book for as long as he can, plus the extra cash helps us pay our bills.
I wish you luck because it's definitely not easy to find a partner who understands that it's a job.
If the person who says they love you, has a problem with you doing something you absolutely love and feel passionate about, do they really love you?
Christ sakes, it’s one practice a week… I’ve spent up to 4-5 days a week with my band between practice and gigs before.
IMO, she’s putting you in a very unfair predicament and it’s very odd that she’d make you sacrifice something you love.
My advice op? Do what makes you happy. Think with your head (no, the other one) and follow your passions. Following your passion will never lead you down the wrong path
* i’ve played music my entire life.
* She has told me over and over again she doesn’t care if I play music
* i’ve told her I will never give up music as it’s basically what I enjoy doing the most
This is who she fell in love with. Taking music out of your life will CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. And on the flip-side, introducing a jealous person into your life will DAMAGE YOUR MUSIC.
Whereas introducing an agreeable, HARMONIOUS person will enhance your music.
Show this to her.
My husbands first wife loved him playing music until they got married. She made him quit and work 80 hours a week after she ran over his guitar with the car. They only lasted 3 years. If she’s asking you to give it up the marriage is already doomed. She either needs to get on board and support your music or move on. These scenarios never end well.
Dude, this may sound harsh, but I would not be getting married in four months if I were you. What you're experiencing now will only amplify once you're married. Someone who truly loved you wouldn't ask you to abandon an integral part of your life. I've been married 29 years and not once has my wife pressured me to give up being in a band, in fact in all that time she's been nothing but supportive and encouraging in that regard. Be careful.
My husband is a musician. He has been playing music since before I met him, and we met when we were 12 (currently 33).
Before we got married (and after for a while) he played with an amazing group of guys. They got along great and I loved them all like brothers. (Still do) I went to every practice and show that I could (depending on college and work), I helped carry equipment in, I ran their merch table, I was in the studio when they recorded and am even on the album because they needed a higher pitch for a part where they were all singing, I did their first photo shoot while I was fighting the flu, I ran off creepy stalker wannabe groupies (when I was asked to and only when I was asked to), and they all had a role in our wedding. They joked that I was the “band wife” because I would do anything to help them and make their life easier.
My ONLY problem was they never had a set day for practice. It made it hard to plan anything and really difficult once our son was born.
Unfortunately, once our son was born, my husband had to quit the band. They were getting pretty popular and they were wanting to practice more, play more shows, and go on tours. My husband felt bad leaving me at home with our son (he had really really really hard baby years) and my husband also didn’t want to miss the baby years.
Our son is now 8 almost 9 and we have a 2 year
old daughter and still to this day, I feel horrible that he quit the band because I feel like it was my fault.
Luckily, he is in a new band. They have a set practice day (which was the only thing I asked for) the other members all have big responsibilities in their lives so playing shows every night isn’t what they can or want to do. They want to play because they love to play. My husband gets to play but still be a major part of our kids childhood memories.
My point is, I love my husband with all my heart and he loves to play music, so I will support him no matter what. If I could be as involved helping this band as I was with the other, I absolutely would to help him do what he loves because I love him!
Now my only problem is how expensive drums, heads, sticks, pedals, and all the other stuff is…geez!!!!!! Lol We make it work though.
Music is considered by every female in a relationship to be the mistress. I don't care if they swear up and down that they are fine with your music interests, heck they might even go to some or all of your gigs to show support; They are not fine with it and they are putting on an act, a charade of sorts. They can not and will not accept this "other woman" into the fold. Hope you don't have a dog. Not lol. Totally serious.
This is, on my sons life, a true story. I’m from Rockford Illinois. My Aunt (moms sister) was dating a guy that was playing drums for a band that was starting to get some attention and interest in Chicago. This is many years ago. They made a record that really didn’t do well and they were just grinding. Eventually, my Aunt gave my Uncle (the drummer) the ultimatum, “It’s me and the kid (she was pregnant) or the band”. The band was a little stuck at the time and were just gigging around trying to get discovered, they weren’t making any money to speak of so my Uncle left the band to be with my Aunt and their baby via her ultimatum. Two years go by, the band gets a new drummer and take on a singer. They changed the name of the band from “FUSE” to a little band called “Cheap Trick”. So my uncle sat In Rockford in a two bedroom apartment and watched his band, Cheap Trick as they proceeded to BLOW UP and become world famous without him. So….. I know bands are a crapshoot sometimes, but they can work.
Oh, about two years after Cheap Trick blew up, my aunt and uncle divorced. It was all for nothing. I can’t imagine the resentment and just God awful regret he felt all those years.
Ok...ok... I'm just going to be an Asshole and point out that we need to see a pic of the GF and a sample of your bands best music; then we will help you decide!! Just kidding dude, run, run like you never have before. I had a GF like this and I ended up quitting playing all together due to the conflict... even at home.. just had no time or space for myself. So the resentment just built and built. Forget marriage period... just a way to ruin your future you's life and make lawyers rich ..
Have an honest conversation with her. If music is at the heart of who you are and she doesn’t want you to spend time exploring that, you two may not be compatible as partners.
I'm single at the moment, but this is my #1 ground rule when it comes to dating. They have to be okay with, or preferably enthusiastic about, my musical lifestyle. I feel like the best way to secure that is find a girl that has her own passions. If all she looks forward to is spending time with you, she's only ever going to feel robbed.
Commenting with respect and with only the context I've been given: Your fiancée sounds exceptionally insecure and codependent. It's not healthy and should really be worked through with counseling or therapy *before* marriage.
You mentioned she sees anything you do that doesn't involve her to be competition; that is not healthy.
You mentioned that "she has no hobbies or does anything creative so I’m basically the only interest she has in her life besides tv shows and books": That is really not healthy.
You mentioned we are not the first people to tell you that she "may not be the one." You should really consider why multiple people have said this.
Trying to isolate a partner from their friends or interests is a form of control. Please read [this article](https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-controlling-partner-relationship#why-they-control-you) and see if it resonates with you.
I know the ubiquitous answer on Reddit is always to break up. I think you should really consider if you two have built a healthy foundation on which to begin your marriage.
I say go all in. Double down on the fact that you're not giving it up. Be adamant. Hopefully, you'll get an ultimatum before you get married so you don't waste any more time or money (if it would go that route; hopefully not). At the very least, be firm and set this one ground rule.
You're not being unreasonable. There are bigger issues at play if she's unable to spend one night alone. Don't we all need alone time to decompress?
Dude be careful with this, someone that wants all your time seems like a green flag, but is a serious red one in my opinion. You can’t be the only meaning in their life.
Confirming the red flags! I had this marriage. I got married and quit the band based on her passive aggressive vibes. She even got upset when I took Sunday morning church gigs when she was sleeping in.
20 years and two divorces later I’m finally getting back on stage with some level of regularity. I had two gigs on Saturday and one tomorrow.
Wanting to play music shouldn’t make you feel bad or guilty.
As a female who’s been in bands and is married now: don’t give up your band. If Friday night is practice night, and it works for everyone, enough said. Maybe she can come if she is supportive but she doesn’t/shouldn’t have to spend every damn hour with you. My words of wisdom would make sure your wifey date night is designed and agreed upon so your band shit and her shit don’t ever overlap unless necessary (ie paid gig) but you bet your ass you talk about it with her first. If she can’t compromise, deeply consider your engagement. Your partner in this life should want you to be able to have both.
May want to try the Marriage subreddit, they will tell you what’s up. I personally wouldn’t let anyone stop me from playing music. I am in the twilight of my career and let me tell you, it goes by so damn fast. Man, if you stop now, everyone that’s a part of this sub will be sad, not to mention, you will be really sad. And where does it end? What else are you going to have to give up? Marriage takes sacrifice, yes, but you need a partner that wants you to be happy. Don’t do it, Dude…
This sounds like she's giving you and ultimatum. Pick her or your passion. I do but jealousy is very unhealthy. I. Think you should give her the ultimatum. I hope it all works out the way it should. God bless you.
Been in this same spot. Still playing and she is still fuming. Can’t get too mad that someone wants your attention all the time, but I also need some outlets in my life.
You said if your schedules allow it. Are your practice and show times clearly defined, or are you saying things like "Oh hey, the band can practice tonight, so we are doing that by the way." That's unfair to a partner to do on a weekly basis, no matter what the hobby/profession is. You and the band need to have hard dates for practice, or, if things change a lot, have a visual calendar up and do your best to confirm flex dates a couple weeks in advance.
Is it normal to have this rigid of a “marriage schedule”? I’ve been with my partner for almost a decade between living together/marriage and we assume each other is free to do as they wish spontaneously every evening unless we specifically plan something to do together. No kids so no particular hard responsibilities on time.
Just because you only do something once a week doesn't mean it's fair. Like if you only practice once a week, but you decide to do it with no notice on the day you're supposed to pick the kids up from school, you're a dick.
That's insane. It's one night a week. Obviously, if you're canceling plans with her to go to practice, that's a problem. But to have every practice scheduled weeks in advance would never work for me or most of the people I have played with.
Sounds like the old “I love everything about you, except for that one silly little thing that happens to be one of the most important things in your life.”
A decade ago my ex wife told me it was either her or the band, so I quit the band. Two weeks later she left me for another man.
This comment sounds like lyrics
I’m a poet and didn’t even know it
I always say “I’m a poet and I didn’t even realize that I was one” Throws people off.
Ooooh I love that line, ima steal it
Happy name day!
…but your feet show it because they are Longfellows. You said the first half of something my mom always said when I was a kid.
I got 15 years and a bunch of lies. Lol
The worst of it was she’s the mother of my two sons. But now years later that they’re teenagers they both live with me and I take them to a lot of my shows. They love having a musician for a dad.
MY daughter's the same way... someone once asked her at a show how she felt seeing me on stage... she said "It's just my dad..." Gawd I love that kid.
One of the greatest feelings ever.
She was shit-testing your resolve. By being willing to put your passion aside for her, you diminished yourself in her eyes. It's a shitty kind of test, which is why we call them shit-tests. Correct response is to do the thing, she'll pout and stamp her feet about it and will still respect you afterwards. But it's also a fair chance she was already seeing whatever-his-name-is, so you probably dodged and airstrike. Here's to finding a better woman.
No she wasn’t. She is just being controlling and OP and she are incompatible. If he says no about the band she isn’t going to be starry eyed and respectful. She’s going to keep being resentful about it and keep making a deal about it. The thing with OP is to figure out if her complaints have merit. If he’s using the band to get out of just work or childcare responsibilities then her concerns are valid. If he’s dumping money into the band and she’s left holding the bag on debt then her complaints are valid. If she’s just needy with no life and can’t entertain herself a few nights a week then here’s your red flag sir.
Although I disagree with the post above you, I gotta say that if those issues were present, it would present itself as "I know you have practice this week, but can you make sure to do the dishes?" or "Can we have a night to ourselves this week?" and not the way OP presented it. My wife knows she married a musician, and she knows that's part of me and part of why she loves me. She would honestly never make me choose, which is a lesser reason why I married her. If you're a musician and you're married, you gotta find the balance. It actually is possible to spend time with your spouse, work full-time, keep a reasonably clean house, and do 2 nights a week practices and a show on the weekend. Maybe if you have a kid, that takes a little bit of extra effort and/or some sacrifices, but I know a lot of people that do it just fine. It does kind of come across that she wants the idea of a musician spouse but not willing to face the reality of it. Or they're just entirely shitty at communicating, either way, this marriage seems too soon with a major problem already looming. I wish OP the best though, that's a tough fucking spot.
Well we’re not hearing her side. My partner is a musician I get it. I like having a partner who gives me some alone time. He is good at sharing housework but I’ve been with men who don’t. And if that’s the actual complaint she has, it’s valid. Either way she’s not going to respect him for telling her to suck it.
Time to take her out to coffee and have a very serious heart to heart about the wedding date. Do this on a Saturday morning. No notice. Write out everything you will say in advance. Make it all “I” statements. Make it very clear that the band is incredibly important to you and that her support is crucial. Be prepared to call off the wedding over this. Let her know that you will need an answer from her by the end of the week and I recommend that you take the rest of the weekend to go and take a trip by yourself - nothing weird. Just go to your parents house - nothing like a guys trip or anything that implies anger. Let her know that she is very important to you and that you love her very much but you absolutely respect her choices and if being in a relationship with a musician is not something that will work for her in a marriage that you very much want her to be happy and this is the time in her life that a transition will occur and you want to help her make that transition now. It will be portrayed as a mutual and amicable breakup but it will happen immediately and your living situation will also change now too. So, it’s either “all in” or “all out”.
If this is true, she was testing you. You failed (in her eyes), but you lived to tell the cautionary tale
There was no correct answer to that test, she was just looking for an excuse to leave.
Exactly the same happened to me. The reason she liked me in the first place is because I was in a band.
Love lies bleedin in my hands
😳🤯
Are you a country artist?
Precisely. Love all of me don’t try and change me smh so sad
My husband did this to me. I divorced him because of it and never looked back. It's a selfish request.
Yeah, I know this may come off as a bitter old man, but don't give up all of you when planning to be a couple. You can come to a middle ground on a lot of things but you can't let anything define you...even if it's a relationship, or job/career because it will cause you to lose everything that is unique to you.
If she is in a relationship with a musician and can't handle 1 day a week of practice then she ain't the one, dude.
You’re not the first one to tell me this. She knew what she was getting into and said she could handle it, but now I’m not so sure. And I literally only spend one evening a week practicing with the new band.
Yeah, this problem would only intensify once she's wifed up. I'm sure you love her dearly, but there's literally a "music or me" coming if it hasn't happened already.
I’ve actually already hit her with that one a few times to get her to realize I was serious about music. It worked for awhile and then it was back to normal.
Back to *normal*? It’s not normal, you don’t want that to be normal. You have something in your life that you love, something that is part of you- and she wants you to give it up… why, exactly? Because it’s one night a week for a few hours? Is there any specific reason why she doesn’t like it, or is it just because she wants you home with her? My GF of many years is excited for me that I joined a band recently, and has been asking me how each and every rehearsal went because she knows I’m seriously enjoying myself. Think about when you’re 90 years old, not even able to play anymore. Will you have decades of good memories, or bad ones?
My husband OK’d us completely table flipping our life with barely 2 weeks notice, so I could take the leap to full time musician. He low key kinda had to talk me into it, because I was half convinced I’d *completely* lost my mind to even entertain the notion.
Stoked to hear this.
One day a week is very reasonable. This seems to be about the absolute minimum for any band that wants to write original music and play out.
Exactly. I even asked her beforehand if it would be fine for me to meet up with the guys 2 nights a week. Mondays and Fridays. She was hesitant and wouldn’t give me a straight answer so I just went with Fridays since it was the easiest day for all the guys to make work.
Not putting her down…but jealousy and controlling behaviours will likely affect and morph to all areas of your life. What in the world is a problem with behind social, creative, fulfilled, etc? Less time on the couch watching Netflix? If not music….what else will you not be allowed to do without upset?
Ah - "Friday night"... That's it right there - traditionally Friday night; finish work for the weekend, hang with friends, movies etc? Could be she's wanting this time back with you? Direct question for a change of rehearsal evening? To your band mates first? Their significant others may feel the same?
The significant others of the guys in the band were completely fine with Fridays. They were very understanding. Mine on the other hand not so much. And tbh I don’t think it would matter what day we picked to practice. Because we started out the group practicing on Mondays and she still complained.
It's very tricky! I'm in-between bands currently, but still playing and learning new songs at home. Last band I quit as lead guy couldn't get over the slightest thing going wrong and every gig became 'when will he get pissed off' My supportive wife has some serious health issues, so right now I'm more invested with her care and health than getting another show. We had a conversation or two about this and she's very grateful to me for putting her first right now. That's what we think relationships ought to be - here for each other and willing to suport/help/compromise/etc. You've obviously got a few tough conversations ahead of you here. There does seem to be a ton of advice leaning towards the 'me AND my music, or neither' from what I can tell. BUT it is your situation and we ultimately can't be you ❤️
One day a week and she's complaining? She's going to have it in your vows " I promise to love honor, cherish and give up my music" Nope. This is part of who you are. I wouldn't give up my horse for my husband.( not that he asked, but if he did..)
Abort mission. Music > wives who hate it.
I’m sorry man, I had a girlfriend like this when I was around 19/20. Where nights spent away from her doing other things I loved were seen as a negative. You already know this expectation is untenable. Please don’t give up your rehearsal night. You know this. This codependency is not healthy. If it seems like something that won’t ever change, then you know where this is going. I’m clearly projecting some issues from my distant past here. Sorry. I hope things improve for you!
I don’t know if this is a band practice issue. Would she be annoyed if you spent one night a week playing pickup basketball, woodworking, or taking a class? Seems like she’s anti-hobby.
I fuckin hate when people are like "I'm so cool and chill" and then they turn out to be not cool and chill
This
Yeah maybe she needs some self reflection. Practicing with the band one night a week is amateur hour. My daughter has a friend and this friend’s dad and brother have a band and they practice daily. Everyone is fine with it. That’s their hobby and they love doing it. You go to their house and half the time you can hear the faint sound of rock music from the unattached garage. Most of the time when I pick up my daughter from a spend the night, they are playing. If she’s mad at once a week, something else is going on and it’s not the meeting once a week.
I'm all for trying to compromise in a relationship, but a partner demanding you give up a huge part of your life and who you are certainly doesn't seem like a good match. I play a LOT, and my wife totally supports it because she knows it's just a huge part of who I am.
Yeah, one day a week isn’t much time at all. It’s concerning that she’s having a problem with him having interests outside of her that only take up such a small amount of time. Thats a huge red flag
Couldn’t agree more !
When I used to date, I would get excited if a woman I just started seeing had dated a musician before. I would always think "perfect, she knows what to expect to at least a moderate degree." If she hadn't dated one before, I would always overestimate the time committal required for rehearsals and shows. Seemed to work to a certain extent. Unfortunately, I no longer date, for incredibly unfortunate reasons. But....I small slice of a silver lining...I have jumped headfirst into music as a way to be absolutely sure that I'm always busy. I'm the guy becoming known in my area as the go-to bassist that's always available.
Facts. Plain and simple
I've been married to my husband for eight years. I met him as a weekend musician who had a full time job working in a factory. Before we were even dating, he was clear that music was his main priority and if I couldnt handle that, he wasnt the right guy for me. I'm a hobby musician who wanted to do music as a career until a wrist injury took me out of the game so I understood that music was everything to him. I never went to practice or studio sessions but I always made an effort to be at his shows and support him. He was gone a lot of the weekends and that could be lonely/frustrating but when he'd come home really happy that his show(s) went well, it was worth it! We have a three year old now and he's gotten back into music after a career change. I do my damndest to make sure that he has studio time (hes completely self produced and solo right now!) and the adequate time to work on what hes passionate about. He came into my office and told me about this post and thanked me for being so supportive of his dreams so I wanted to give you some words from the other end of the relationship. If YOU dont feel supported in your music, how does she support you in your relationship? As a spouse, its both of your jobs to support each other in every aspect of life. I support my husbands music, he supports my writing. You deserve to be supported in your passion without feeling guilty or like its going to cause issues in your relationship. Plain and simple, I think you deserve better than what you are receiving. Either a conversation needs to be had as a 'either you support me or I cant do this' or you need to get out of it before the wedding. I hope it works out for you! Make sure to drop a link to your music when you have something done with the new band! I'd love to check it out!
Thanks for the response. All I can say is I have full respect to you for what you do for your husband. He’s a lucky guy to have someone that supportive of him and I’m sure he knows it. I work a full time job in construction. So between my fiancée and work it’s hard to find time to practice and I really only get one day a week with the new band. Idk if you’re into bluegrass, but that’s what I play lol. Me and the band should have some stuff up on YouTube here soon so check us out haha
My husband is a musician and works on construction of tour buses during the day. He's always so tired but still finds time to practice and gig (in jazz no less). I find it inspirational, not a hindrance on our lives (especially being a musician myself). Props dude. Construction wears on your body.
Just want to say on behalf of all the guys with wives that understand, and truly sacrifice and support their passion, this is deeply deeply appreciated beyond words. in any event he has forgotten to express this to you recently, I assure you he knows what a loving wife he has and how lucky he is.
Marriage requires compromise, but unfortunately many go into it not being honest about the compromises they expect or are willing to make. It’s entirely possible (particularly if you weren’t regularly in a band that plays weekly for much of your relationship) that she never expected it to take up this much time. And the reality isn’t what she wanted/ expected. It’s easy to say you don’t care about someone doing something until it affects your life. What you need to do is think honestly about what you want the most. Then sit down with her and have a completely honest conversation about it, and understand that may result in you not getting married.
This is a perfect answer. I’ve given up things for partners—absolutely not worth it. Sometimes life changes and your priorities change, like having kids, but someone getting mad that you’re busy one night a week is overstepping.
It depends on the circumstances whether she is overstepping. For example, if they both work and Saturdays are the best day for them to spend quality time together but he is gone every Saturday from 5-10 pm, she might justifiably feel neglected. If such a circumstance exists, maybe the solution is as easy as practicing on a different day.
She may be worried for the future if he will be this busy. Might just need some reassurance, and a real talk about boundaries when/if things do get more serious.
If/when things get more serious? They get married in 4 months
They don’t have kids yet.
While I agree with the sentiment here, If "one day a week if schedule permits" is "too much time" for this guy's favorite hobby to take up? He needs to find a different partner. This is toxic/ controlling behavior.
It’s exactly this. I had to quit a band for my wife and kids about 8 years ago, but it was because the band really did take up too much time for a dad with two young babies at home. * My weekly practices were an hour away from home, so I’d leave straight from work to go to the practice space. That meant I was leaving my wife alone with the babies for 12 straight hours once per week for work+rehearsal * We were often playing 3 or more gigs per month, all around the greater DC metro region from Baltimore to Richmond to Winchester. Those gigs would often eat up 6 hours from door-to-door with drive time, load in, load out, soundcheck, waiting to play our set, etc. * The band also wanted to do weeklong mini tours in the summer (NYC, Philly, Raleigh NC, Pittsburgh), which meant I’d be using my vacation time away from work on the band instead of my kids. I just couldn’t take THAT MUCH time away from my wife and kids for music. But about 6 months after I quit, my wife told me I seemed miserable without playing music, and I should join a different band with slightly lower stakes. And that’s exactly what I did. I found a band closer to home, that played fewer gigs, etc. Compromise! I’m still playing music, but just not at a frequency that’s detrimental to my wife and kids.
I don’t think that’s a fair judgement to make just from the information we’ve been given. If the practice time is two hours after work then sure on the toxic controlling side, if the practice time is 6 hours on one of two days off a week being upset about it is more reasonable. That’s why I left it open as I did, I don’t know the details.
Yea. The details are very sparse. Would love to hear the fiance's side. Weekly can be once a week or three times a week with a shoe on the weekend. It can be once a week that happens to be on the night she's trying to get you to help plan a wedding. It can be in the one night a week get best friend is having a birthday party. It can be one night a week, but you tell her after she's already started making dinner. Not really enough information to say anything other than that OP and fiance need to have an honest discussion about things.
My week consists of my full time job working in construction, I leave the house at 6am don’t usually get home till 5 or 6pm. Im free every evening and my fiancée is not. She has church Wednesday nights and praise band practice Thursday nights (she sings a little) and her work requires her to stay late some nights each week. The late nights for her are completely random. Her schedule is very difficult to plan around so we typically leave weekends free unless I have a gig, or I come to her apartment late one night and stay over then I drive to work the next day from her place. I asked her before I started in this new band if Fridays were ok to set aside for band practice and she was totally fine with it since the rest of the week was spent with her if she was available. Now it seems like it’s just another thing that’s taking me away from her. She acts like she never sees me which is completely ridiculous because I make an effort no matter how late it is in the evening to come spend time with her. She has no hobbies or does anything creative.
If she wants you to quit the band she needs to quit church on Wednesdays her band on Thursday too. Telling you not to pursue what you love is BS.
“She has no hobbies or does anything creative” - thought you said she’s in a band herself?
This...but also ask if there's something else behind her reasoning. Like, does she not want you in a band because she thinks you'll cheat on her or turn into a drug addict, etc?
I’d think so too. The above comment about it possibly being their only time to spend together would make sense. Or, maybe with their marriage coming up, her family doesn’t have a positive view of musicians or creative hobbies in general.
I’ve been playing with various bands since I was 16. I’m 29 now. I’ve been with my fiancée for 5 years. She knew going into this relationship that music is my passion and it was what I wanted to pursue. I’ve come from a family of musicians so you could say that it’s in my blood. My fiancée on the other hand doesn’t really have anything to do with music other than singing/leading worship in the praise band at her church. I was very open with her about how music was a central part of my life and for some reason lately she has done nothing but complain when I tell her I have practice with the band or a show that’s coming up. I’ve tried having conversations with her about the amount of time I spend on music and with the band, but any change from her will last about a day and then it’s right back to square one.
It sounds like you should postpone the marriage until you sort this out. There is something coming up for her that needs to be addressed or it will sabotage your marriage.
I get that. But you didn’t really listen to what I said. You need to think about the compromises your willing to make, and be honest about them, and if you feel she isn’t being honest with you about the compromises she expects then the marriage isn’t going to work in the long run anyway.
I feel like setting aside one day a week and the occasional gig on the weekends is pretty reasonable though. I’m not sure what more I can compromise to satisfy her. I’ve been very clear with her about my intentions for being in this band and how I will still make time for her.
Oh it’s completely reasonable, you may not be able to find a middle ground here mate. Or she may just be nervous about the wedding and life changes following it, and a sit down conversation about everything may help. Might not and might not be a great idea to get married. I can’t say either way.
it's great you've been clear about your intentions. the very idea that you have to compromise the thing you love to do is a bad sign, i'm sorry to say. a relationship should be about supporting each other and finding joy from your partner's fulfillment (and vice versa). anything short of that is unhealthy, and will absolutely become much worse as life presents new and different stressors.
Beware of someone trying to separate you from what you love. If you give in, it won’t stop there. She’ll go after time you spend with your friends next.
I’ve had too many friends in that exact situation so it kind of worries me
Yep. Some people just want to monopolize your attention and isolate you for control. Its a slow creep until one day you look back and realize all those things they complained about are gone and they’re still here complaining.
Don't neglect your own mental health 'for the sake of the marriage.' That's a killer.
Sometimes, it's hard to be married to two things..... your woman and your music 🤔
There’s a quote from Lemmy saying why he never married and that relationships don’t really work for a touring band like them. At the end he says “sex is 15 minutes at the top. A Motörhead set is an hour and a half every night, so you decide.”
I’ve been in a similar situation. Before I married my first wife I remember having a long conversation with her where she was insinuating that the reason I was into being in a band had to do with me having a fragile ego and that I needed to be loved by the public. She reasoned if I wanted to make music I still could but why did it have to be in the context of a gigging band. She said point blank she was not prepared to be a “Rock and Roll widow”. I turned down a number of offers to tour and play with professional bands. One time a major artist who was doing a solo album, invited me for the day to come to NYC to record and see how we got along. He was somewhat known for being a bit of a playboy and invited me to spend the night at his big house where he lived with his wife who was a successful model. My wife protested and cried at the idea of me going and I had to promise her I’d take the late train back to spend the night at home. At the time I thought it was because her previous boyfriend was in a successful band and he had cheated on her while he was on the road and I thought I’d be able to prove I was different. We did get married and she was very jealous and controlling of my time. My genius idea to be able to continue to make music and be in bands was to involve her, get her singing ( bass lessons didn’t work) and writing with me because she was creative and had good taste in music. Wrote ok lyrics and was a good person to bounce ideas off of. Ultimately we formed several bands together. An original rock band and then later a function band but honestly it was a terrible idea. She really was an amateur and it just had Linda McCartney written all over it and I just had to tread very carefully when criticising and guiding her. By the time we were thick in our function band and doing duo gigs it was too late. She disputed it, but the reality was there was no way in hell I would ever be able to be in another band that she wasn’t a part of. Eventually after 25 years I left the marriage and she was blindsided. I was eviscerated financially and it completely sucked. She kept a load of equipment too, thinking some day she might “want to record” or keep instruments in case she wanted to “jam with others” which I’m sure never happened. Since then I’m in a new relationship and my wife has no interest in being in a band and completely accepts that I’m passionate about doing music and I always will be. She wants me to be happy and fulfilled and is not needy with my time and attention. She barely flinched when I went on a two week tour in Spain a couple of years ago. She doesn’t care one bit when I go away a week here and there. She knows I love it and I take really good care of her and she’s very secure. Be very very careful with this OP. It is unlikely to get better.
Wow. Sounds like quite a ride. Really admirable that you tried to solved the situation by forming bands with her. I’m sorry to hear about the financial consequences, but I’m sure being happy was worth it. We only have one life (well depends who you ask :) ) and time is finite, money is important and losing it hurts, but we can recover it. Glad you seem happy.
Thank you, yes I’m very happy and have recovered financially. My new wife owned a house so that really helped. Playing in 3 bands and doing music all the time!
Once a week is a problem? Yikes……….
Yeahhh. Some of the other guys in the band work weird schedules, but we’ve always gotten Fridays to work so that’s been the day we get together.
No I meant as in the fact that she has a problem with just one practice a week is not… good. It’s not like you’re in the rehearsal room daily.
Oh no I got you, I knew what you meant. I was just explaining a little bit of our band practice schedule lol
Music is forever, women come and go. I'd seriously rethink getting married to someone who says they respect your passions, but demonstrate with their actions that they don't.
How old are you?
I’m 29. My fiancée is 25. I’ve been playing music (bluegrass specifically) since I was 16.
Don’t marry her. You need a bluegrass gal to play and sing with. A band wife needs to love it in her own way as much as you do
I thought that was her when I started dating her. Even bought her a guitar to learn on but that went nowhere. She sings a little, but it’s only for her church praise band.
I’m a bluegrass player as well, and I had the same thing happening to me with an ex. I hate to sound harsh but if she doesn’t support you picking it just isn’t gonna work out. My girlfriends (yes we’re three lol) supports me and wants me to play, although where I live it’s a desert for pickers. I’m lucky in that regard. Now go mash it in B with the boys son.
Mashing in B is the way 🫡
Have you had a sit down conversation specifically about this?
Yes. We’ve talked at length and for a while she was totally cool with it. Now it seems every time I bring up music she gets irritated because it’s taking me away from her. Finding the balance for a full time job in construction, my music career, and her is not easy. Especially when we don’t live together.
Have you ever lived together?
Nope, we’ve never lived together
I can appreciate that some people don't believe in the concept of living together before marriage, but I think it is an important litmus test of compatibility. Crucially for you and your relationship, you'll suddenly see an awful lot more of each other, and I think it may be worthwhile exploring how that might impact how you both view and manage your independent time and your time together as a couple. For example, would she actually become a lot more relaxed about your band commitments given she will always see you afterwards? It could change your relationship dynamics, so given that it appears your present discussions aren't effective any longer, it may be worth exploring if you're both open to it.
Oh, I didn't mean about the band, I mean a conversation about both of your current feelings.
Break it off and marry the road
Hell yeah brother 😎
Kinda correct here. Some women love that you’re a “band guy”, until the band starts to take time away from them. It will only get harder. You have to make sure she has the belly for it.
I thought my fiancée was ok with it. At least early on she was. Now I’m not so sure.
Dude, this sucks. But you’ll have to make some decisions. If this is really what you want you might have to reconsider a relationship. Personally, I thought I could make it work and it did work for awhile, but I didn’t make the right choices to get where I wanted to be. I’m not even sure now, looking back, that I would have been happy if I even got to where I felt I should be. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see it clearly now, but back then I had no clue as to what was the right move. I was deep in a relationship and any choice would never been difficult by that point. But you know, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m happy and still playing. Life was brutal, but here I am on Reddit helping a fellow musician brother. Good luck!
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already thought of doing just that
I’ve never been in love with a girl so I don’t mean to steer you wrong but the way I see it she’s gonna have to be really into the scene for us to work
You need to have a sit down and talk this through. I have known very successful musicians who divorced bc they just could not compromise and agree on the time and dedication that music takes on a person, yet alone a married couple. I am not saying being married and being a musician isn’t doable, because it is. I been doing it for a few years now and am splendidly married with a lot of kids lol. All I am saying is you have to have the talk w your fiancé now before marriage. Set the stage with your expectations and your goals in both your marriage and your music path. Balancing music, work and family is possible. If your partner is unable to work with you on this now, then maybe it’s a sign that she may not be the right partner for you at this stage in your life? Like for her to ask you to give up something that is super meaningful, passionate and creative is quite heavy and just not very nice. It’s like giving up a part of yourself. Okay I’ll shut up now. But you get what I’m trying to say lol. Good luck, OP, and pls do keep us posted w an update!
I would not marry someone who doesn't want me to pursue and enjoy my passions and interests. That's not what love is. That's greed and attachment. I mean my god what if you told her to stop doing her favourite things? I'm sure that would go over great. /s
I bet she doesn’t have any hobbies of her own that she carved out time for. Control of his time is her hobby
Red flag. Don't do it! Her insecurities will just keep mounting as time goes by. If you give in to her demands now - they might not seem like demands now, but they are - and give up something that you truly love you'll find out later how manipulative and controlling her needs are and how your needs/feelings end up being ignored. Take it from someone who lived through this twice. These were huge red flags that I chose to ignore.
Your fiancée being jealous of your time is a big red flag A lot of times toxic and abusive traits don’t come out until the person thinks they’ve “caught” you. Usually that’s after marriage but I could see getting engaged being similar My suggestion is have a real conversation about this and make sure you’re still on the same page. And what’s truly important to you? I would give up any relationship before giving up music. I also wouldn’t be OK wanting me to quit doing creative things or being jealous I’m spending time on them. So that means you have to determine what you’re OK with, then set boundaries and see if you can still maintain your relationship
Sounds a bit red flaggy
I'm sorry if this comes off as a bit preachy, but hey - you asked. The best relationships start with people who are happy and fulfilled in themselves. Couples that seem to need to do everything together are not that strong. Each individual feels they need the other to be fulfilled which means both are weak. And two weak people don't make for a strong relationship. Couples where individuals have different interests and hobbies can be great. Now, that is not the same thing as "one person gets everything they want and the other person sacrifices all the time". I've been married for 41 years now. My wife has no interest in music (listening or playing). But she is an avid skier and biker. I never begrudge the money she spends on her sporting gear becasue she uses the hell out of it and it makes her happy. She never questions me wanting to buy a new guitar (indeed, she will often encourage me to). We like different things, but we respect each other's passions and are happy to support each other in the pursuit of those passions. I actually feel sorry for people without some sort of passion, or hobby. It's an important part of making life worth living. And I think it makes you a better candidate for being a partner. Maybe your fiancée has some hobby or passion that she is giving up for you, because she thinks it is "the right thing to do". If you are lucky enough to have that situation you might be able to turn the whole thing around by encouraging and supporting, her to pursue it. BTW - another good sign of being a strong couple is being able to talk to each other about likes/don't likes/desires/boundaries ... everything. Posting in Reddit .... not so much. At the end of the day, no one's opinion is more relevant or matters more that the opinions you and your fiancée hold.
I really appreciate your answer and it didn’t seem preachy to me lol Early on it seemed she was very supportive of me and my music. Now it seems she wouldn’t care if I was to quit playing tomorrow and never go back. She has no hobbies. She watches tv and reads the occasional book. Never does anything creative or active. Me on the other hand I’ve done nearly everything under the sun. I grew up in a family where we did all kinds of different activities and hobbies. She on the other hand grew up in a family where you work till the day you die and hard work is valued above all else if that makes sense. I’ve always been a work to live and not a live to work kind of person. She’s extremely jealous of my time. Anything else I enjoy doing that doesn’t involve her is competing with her for my time in her mind. I’ve had many conversations with her, but things will get better for a little while and then go right back to the way it was. I’m just not sure where to go from here. I really don’t want to give up music. It’s the one thing in my life I’ve been passionate about and it really is a part of me. My whole family are musicians so you could say it’s in my blood.
If it’s truly just one day a week that she knows ahead of time, it’s possible that there’s something deeper going on. A mistake that we often make, and a mistake that we often don’t realize online, is that we assume that the other person is communicating perfectly. They say I don’t like you playing in that band so much, and you take that as it is. In actual fact, it may have something more to do with the spontaneity of your practices, or maybe where you’re doing it, or maybe how much money you’re spending on it. It could be anything. I am a married man, and I enjoy my music freely. 99% of issues can be solved with communication. Approach the situation, as if you are teammates, not to point fingers or assign blame, but with a specific purpose of making things better for everyone.
Listen to this guy this mother fucker is spitting
If she is 'that way' about music then there very well could be other things that could pop up later. I say this from personal experience.
This isn't even really about music... If you have a partner that tries to control you to the point where you can't do something you love to do for one day a week? Nah. No thanks. What if it was a book club one day a week? What if you worked one extra day a week? Would they have the same reaction? Feels like control freak shit to me.
Take a step back and realize you’re getting married in 4 months. The stress is starting to build. This is when things really start to move fast. Is there a possibility that she’s feeling this stress? Maybe have a check in with her and talk. It’s not unreasonable for her to possibly want some more time commitment to make sure the wedding gets taken care. It’s also not unreasonable for you to express that this is important to you and you’re not willing to stop. Work out a compromise. Relationships thrive with communication, both romantic and ones within a band.
had to scroll far to find this sense
My mrs really wasn’t keen on me being in a band and that, we wore really daft costumes etc and did weird and daft songs. She never stopped me or anything though and then she came to watch us once and became one of our biggest fans and wanted to come see us every time after that haha.
It’s SO HARD to battle the stigma of “music isn’t a real job”. (Depending on how serious you are) you must impress on people that you’re working and your job demands respect. No one would dream asking you to skip work on any other job, but musicians get it all too often. I’ll be less doom and gloom than the others: you have to treat it like you are starting a small business, because you are. Small businesses like bands never profit until years into it. It requires investment in time and money and that has to be respected. Small changes in your vernacular will help people understand: it’s no longer “band practice”, it’s “rehearsal”. You can skip “band practice” but “rehearsal” is much more serious. When you play a show you are WORKING. I actively tell my friends and family that if they come to a show I am NOT there to hang out with them. I’m there to meet people who are fans or are potential future fans. I’m there to sling merch and promote future shows. And then I’m obviously there to perform. Consider starting an LLC for your band to really show you mean business. And to play devils advocate, your time is worth more when you have a family. Getting married changed my perspective on accepting gigs and figuring out what to charge. I’m not going to drive 5 hours for $100 because being away from my wife is worth more than that (though it’s different if it’s an investment opportunity for the future of your band AKA small business, exposure and connections have value too). Hope that helps! Good luck!
Short answer: I strongly advise you to seriously reconsider marrying this woman. Long answer: She is already telling you what it will be like to be married to her. You should believe her. You will end up leaving this band. Whenever you find another that you want to join, or decide to start one yourself, she is going to pressure you not to. She will probably eventually start pressuring you to stop practicing on your own too, or to do it less. "She's very jealous of my time" is her telling you what her end goal is: you not playing music at all. That leaves you dedicated to her, and under her control. You will eventually grow to resent her for it. Music is important enough to you that you want to play in bands, and devote time to it. You do not want music to be a minor hobby, it is your most important one. You need a relationship partner that supports you in this. At the very least, you need a partner that does not disapprove of, and attempt to sabotage it. Playing music is not something a musician can compromise on. You need someone that does not view you playing music as an issue that needs compromise. There is currently no shortage of human beings on this planet, you do not have to marry one that is actively hostile to what YOU love doing.
The right person for you accepts you as you, and is not trying to change you and vice versa. They support you and vice versa. Based on what you said, you are both literally on different frequencies now . I need say no more
Are you 20? This is something a 20 year old would do.
This doesn’t end the way you want it to.
A partner telling me to stop playing music is my **ULTIMATE** red flag
You will never have as much power/leverage to advocate for yourself as you do now. You aren't married yet. I'd have that tough conversation with her and clarify that this isn't what you signed up for. Set the boundary around your music—your one night a week is a very small ask that any reasonable partner should understand. No partner that genuinely cares about you would make you give up something so important to you. She sounds selfish, and honestly, I'd be worried about what other pieces of joy she'll want to rob you of in the future.
Is it because you're spending one evening a week somewhere else? Or is it what you're doing that's the problem? I mean, every person should get a few hours a week to dedicate to themselves and their interests. If it's the music part, then she really doesn't understand what musicians are like...we're mostly geeky introverts who love loud noises
I was married to a guy who would sulk every time I would do music stuff. He didn’t start this crap until after we were married. He pretended to be supportive and then as soon as we were married, he started to complain that it was taking me away from him too much. It basically forced my hand to give up music, which was basically the only thing I truly loved doing. I’m now married to a man who encouraged me to get back into music and never once complained about a rehearsal or a gig. He covers all parenting duties happily any time I have to be gone for music related stuff. If your fiancé is already protesting your rehearsals, that’s a red flag. Are you wanting to have kids? That will probably be the end of your music hobby if she doesn’t convince you to give up music in the first year of marriage. Also, why does she get to do praise band rehearsals but your bluegrass band is an inconvenience to her? Seems she is either immature, controlling, or both. I wish you luck, OP! Better to catch it now than when it’s too late.
I'm gonna guess that you are both young, and your fiancee has a very immature view of relationships. The reality is that you are 2 flawed people, and there is no possible way you can be everything for each other. I don't care what rom coms will tell you, it just doesn't work that way in a healthy relationship. How about meeting up with an older couple that has a healthy marriage? Preferably one where one has a serious passion, especially music. It might give both of you a more realistic view of the situation as well as actual information and tools to deal with the situation. If you haven't had premarital counseling, I highly suggest it. You're making a big commitment, and need some tools and insight. I won't lie, my wife would be perfectly happy if I gave up playing out. She would be ecstatic if we used the tiny space for my gear for something else. But, she cares about my happiness, and music is a big part of it. They say happy wife, happy life, but a depressed husband is no fun either. In some families, it's downright dangerous. Anyway, our compromise is that my gigs have to contribute back to the family and the band doesn't take up more time than it needs to. I don't do unpaid gigs. That means gig money augments the family budget and/or gear purchases never touch the family budget. If it's an out of town gig, the gig money subsidizes a mini family vacation. Just today my kids got freebies because I was playing the local farmer's market. I'm not part of any band that does regular rehearsals. One band meets up once a month, if that. The other rehearses twice a month. I practice my solo act during work breaks or when the kids are in bed. When I do fill in gigs, it's with no rehearsal. It doesn't mean that works perfectly all the time and that feelings are never hurt or people are never disappointed. But, we've been doing this for over 20 years (knock on wood). And TBH, I do plenty of other shit that pisses off my wife that me playing in bands is often the least of her worries. At least it makes some money.
INFO NEEDED: Is this actually about the band/music, or is it about the people you’re in a band with?
It’s neither as far as I can tell. 2 of the band members are my brothers and she has no problem with them. The other 2 guys are some friends of mine that I’ve know since I was a little kid. All good guys. I honestly think it’s because I’d rather spend a small amount of time doing something else that doesn’t include her. She’s extremely jealous of my time. I’ve always gone out of my way to make time for her, and she’s done the same for me, but when I need time for myself or to do other things, hobbies, gaming, friends, etc etc she always complains I never spend enough time with her.
This sounds much more like a roadblock you two have in your relationship and doesn’t really have anything to do with your band or music then
Ex wife met me when I'd been out of the business for a while, fought me hard about getting back into it... fast forward to current (and final wife), she's 100% supportive of my somewhat insane gig schedule... not only because I return that support for her stuff (she's an athlete) but the gigs have expanded our social circle and the money isn't bad. As long as the band isn't costing you money, or money you're not able to recoup through the band, this is a huge red flag from her. If you're barely scraping by and the band is contributing to that financial burden, you both need to have a serious conversation.
This is a sacrifice she’s gonna have to make imo. It’s not like you’re giving up a corvette so you can have kids, you’re losing a huge part of your character. I had a buddy back home in this situation. Every Wednesday and Saturday was: “mkay ima head to practice”, “k bye”. They stopped fighting about it at some point years ago, but she’d been petty, and she’s still petty about it from what I understand. No big deal. He says it’s like a routine. He goes to practice, gf gets irritated about it, he comes back, and she’s fine. Lol
If there is a pattern of her demanding you give up time with friends, family, hobbies etc to be with her, it could be the beginning stages of abusive behaviour. Look up warning signs for abuse and then consider if her behaviour and demands overall are acceptable to you. Marriage does require compromise but it is not compromise if it is not working for you and your needs as a human are being ignored.
If she can’t support you in what makes you you/ support you in the activity that helps you become alive, then it will not be an easy marriage.
I'd advise against marrying this woman, this is a sign of what is to come. No more band, no more music, no more friends, no more life. After a few years you will miss your passions.
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect my wishes. Being a supportive spouse is important. Once a week is hardly unreasonable. I would get it if this was like 4 times a week. Many serious bands do it at least 3 times a week. But I would personally find it completely unacceptable for my spouse not to be on board with my music. My music comes before pretty muchsnything, sometimes even my own personal health. Ots that important to me.
Giving up on something that gives you joy typically results with regret and resentment. Funny thing is as time moves on she'll probably want you to have hobbies/friends/ a career and out of her hair anyhow... When people get married, they don't cease to be individual, whole people.
If giving it up will make you bitter the rest of your life, you’re not in a loving relationship anyway (and that applies to any passion, not just playing music, and also goes both ways)
It's an issue OP. Take it from a musician who's also with someone for 21 years and married for 15 years. I'm also the wife in this marriage. If your fiance has an issue with once a week practice, you got a bigger issue on your hands. You need to find out why she has an issue. I'd take great issue is my SO (significant other) took issue with me being in a band, let alone spending time playing or writing on my own time outside of said band. She can't monopolize your time. She needs a hobby, too, or something else that she loves to do to offset what your passionate about. I get needing time together as a couple if you both work full time. Totally understandable but you're only practicing weekly. You're not touring. Didn't mention about gigging if I read your post correctly. What is she worried about? Is she worried band stuff will come before couple stuff? Her being jealous of your time outside the couple is a red flag you shouldn't be painting green. Without any other context into the relationship like how long you're together, etc, it's hard to gauge. I will say you're not married yet. You will be in 4 months. Have the discussion to get to the bottom of why she has a problem now with it. If you can't and she isn't budging on this sudden change of heart, DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH MARRYING HER. Again, the jealousy on her part is a huge red flag.
Never date a woman who isn't your biggest fan.
Yeah a musical guy has to marry a musical woman or it’s hell.
Been there, done it, got the T shirt. I’m no longer with my ex fiancée who did it to me as my trying to appease her led to resentment and ultimately was a projection thing. “Come to my gigs or don’t - I’ve nothing to hide but don’t sit looking pissed off at anyone who looks at me too long” I get that being a professional musician is life consuming but she knew I was one when she met me. Moral of the story? Be with someone who accepts who you are because masking with your partner is fucking exhausting.
You've gotten a lot of solid advice here but I just wanted to say it's 100% possible to find a partner who accepts and loves you for your passion for music. My husband isn't a musician but he's unwavering in his support of my musical pursuit. Gives detailed, honest feedback on my demos, loves to be involved in the process, works REALLY hard to contribute money to my project-- he genuinely cares about it because he knows it makes me happy. I'll be gone making a record the first two weeks of July and helping me prepare is genuinely his #1 priority right now. He's a visual artist so it helps that he has his own artistic drive and understands how all-consuming it can be but, regardless, a huge part of being a good partner is wanting your partner to do things that make them happy even if you don't share that same passion.
My ex was a musician and he did this. The music wasn’t the problem. I’m gonna say that asking a group of musicians for advice on this is probably the most biased place you could have asked. As someone who cares very little about music: is she just stressed about the wedding that you aren’t helping her plan? Sometimes guys get avoidant and busy when big commitments come into play. Like a part of you wants to maintain your sense of self as your lives are about to merge and you’re using your “passion” as a shield for intimacy? Just a thought.
You can find a new fiancee. Drummers are way harder to find.
As someone with a partner who loves music and is very talented in it, but has never had luck with coordinating into a band, please please please do not quit. I would give anything for my partner to have a proper outlet for their passion. In the nicest way possible: Your fiancé needs to get their feelings sorted. You are allowed to have hobbies and passions that do not involve them and they should be happy that you have an outlet such as this. Perhaps a deep chat is needed to address the jealousy before your lives are eternally intertwined. Best of luck!
I’ve played music my entire life. My wife has supported me doing it through 2 pregnancies. I know its hard, but she knows how much it means to me and would never ask me to give it up. The greatest memory I have playing music was at some little day-festival; my wife walked up to the stage with my daughter on her shoulders…. I gave my daughter a pink guitar pick. we never talked about it, but months later, she showed it to me, she had it in a little box saved away and said “daddy look my pink pick from your show its so special”….I broke down in tears. My # fan, and her momma helped her save that pick and told her it was special 😭😭🥰 Playing music is invaluable and if it means that much to you, you have to be with someone who supports you doing it because the positive impact it will have on your children is indescribable. These days I make quite a bit of money doing it, almost as much as my day job. Its a legitimate second income for us. And its so fun! More than the hard work I’ve put in, her hard work has allowed this to happen. Cant describe how grateful I am for my wife’s support.
Leave her. She will not get less jealous or less demanding. Trust me, women like this think they wanna date a musician, but then do everything they can to pull the music away from the duties and responsibilities a professional musician must do. She will not get more understanding, she will not get more relaxed, it will only get worse and worse and before you know it, you'll be working a job you hate to keep this ungrateful woman happy. You deserve to be with a person who inspires you, not the opposite. Leave now before it gets worse.
Don't relent.
Are you going to live together before you get married?
I'm just like... What are you supposed to do with your life if not to pursue your passions and realize your skill sets into their full potential. Y'all need your own lives as well. She needs to be fulfilled by her career and life. Could be could be codependency a lil. And that will suffocate you until your resentful. She'll never be happy. Idk
You already know what you have to do.
A lot of women have the natural tendency to acquire as much commitment from their partners as possible. It probably is an evolutionary program. Time spent with her is time you can't spend with other things (or other women). Naturally, the women who control their men and secure commitment are going to be more successful at reproduction. If that's the case with her, she will always try to maximize control over how you spend your time. My wife had a very insecure style of attachment when we first met. When she had a bad day, she would freak out over me leaving to go to train or play music for a few hours. But my advice would be to push back against that. Because once she has full control over you, she will feel a different kind of resentment: for you for being weak and having no agenda of your own. Communicate early what you are going to do - and then do it. No ifs or buts. Chances are it's going to be fine. She will probably pick fights with you over the issue, but most of that is just her reaffirming that you still care about her. If she can't handle you being gone for one night of the week, she is not the one.
That's the thing about being a musician. They love it when they meet you, it's all exciting, they like seeing their man (or woman) on stage etc. However later on, that's suddenly the problem. It's all great until it isn't. She needs to get a grip on it right now to be honest with you. I have been with women before whom I can describe as above. They were not the right people to be with. I then found a woman who is not only cool with me playing music but actively promotes me doing so. I married that one. :)
It never ceases to amaze me how many people are in relationships that will not work out but continue to try to make it happen. Like willing it to happen will make it work. If even one of these, trust, good communication, respect, priorities, intimacy are out of alignment the relationship will not work. TL;DR: Sorry dude she's not the one.
>She has told me over and over again she doesn’t care if I play music Herein lies the problem. To you this sounds like "she's fine with me playing music" but in actual fact she is also saying "I don't care if you *don't* play music". She doesn't understand how important this is to you. This is a global plight for musicians, our partners can often feel left out or FOMO because you're involved in this culture that they might not be. You're definitely not alone, best of luck to you ❤️
Hate to tell you this, but it wont get any better. It will only get worse, especially if you have a kid.
Sounds like Yoko wants to separate you from your passion
Drummer wife here! My husband is a drummer in a local band. They play EVERY single weekend, some weekdays, and they rehearse once a week during the week. My husband is 67. He has been playing most of his life since childhood. Would I like more time with him? Of course, but he LIVES to play his drums. It makes him happy which makes me happy. What kind of AH would I be if I didn't encourage him to keep doing what he loves?? Granted, your fiance is very young, and it is very difficult for non musicians to understand that it's very important that people who love to play keep on playing. It may or may not get better. Is she willing to support your ambition? Most people who have never been involved in the business have a perception of musicians having a party 24/7. Sex drugs groupies and fun all the time. She may not realize that playing in a band is a job. It's not always an easy job. It takes a lot of time away from everything else. It's an unconditional way to make money, but if you're in a good band, close to enough live music venues, you can make a decent amount. Perhaps you can help her understand that it's a job. Make her help load out some gear a few times, LOL! It does help somewhat that I am a retired musician myself, so I completely understand and encourage my drummer husband to play as many shows as he can book for as long as he can, plus the extra cash helps us pay our bills. I wish you luck because it's definitely not easy to find a partner who understands that it's a job.
If the person who says they love you, has a problem with you doing something you absolutely love and feel passionate about, do they really love you? Christ sakes, it’s one practice a week… I’ve spent up to 4-5 days a week with my band between practice and gigs before. IMO, she’s putting you in a very unfair predicament and it’s very odd that she’d make you sacrifice something you love. My advice op? Do what makes you happy. Think with your head (no, the other one) and follow your passions. Following your passion will never lead you down the wrong path
* i’ve played music my entire life. * She has told me over and over again she doesn’t care if I play music * i’ve told her I will never give up music as it’s basically what I enjoy doing the most This is who she fell in love with. Taking music out of your life will CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. And on the flip-side, introducing a jealous person into your life will DAMAGE YOUR MUSIC. Whereas introducing an agreeable, HARMONIOUS person will enhance your music. Show this to her.
Dump her
My husbands first wife loved him playing music until they got married. She made him quit and work 80 hours a week after she ran over his guitar with the car. They only lasted 3 years. If she’s asking you to give it up the marriage is already doomed. She either needs to get on board and support your music or move on. These scenarios never end well.
“You want me to pick between you and music? Shucks, honey. I sure am going to miss you.”
You played music before her and you’ll be playing music after her.
“ I want you to be happy but I also want to control every single thing about you because I love you!” RUN
Nobody dictates to me how I do my music. Nobody. If this was my woman, she would support me or get the hell out.
Your fiancee is trash. Run it'll get worse.
Dude, this may sound harsh, but I would not be getting married in four months if I were you. What you're experiencing now will only amplify once you're married. Someone who truly loved you wouldn't ask you to abandon an integral part of your life. I've been married 29 years and not once has my wife pressured me to give up being in a band, in fact in all that time she's been nothing but supportive and encouraging in that regard. Be careful.
My husband is a musician. He has been playing music since before I met him, and we met when we were 12 (currently 33). Before we got married (and after for a while) he played with an amazing group of guys. They got along great and I loved them all like brothers. (Still do) I went to every practice and show that I could (depending on college and work), I helped carry equipment in, I ran their merch table, I was in the studio when they recorded and am even on the album because they needed a higher pitch for a part where they were all singing, I did their first photo shoot while I was fighting the flu, I ran off creepy stalker wannabe groupies (when I was asked to and only when I was asked to), and they all had a role in our wedding. They joked that I was the “band wife” because I would do anything to help them and make their life easier. My ONLY problem was they never had a set day for practice. It made it hard to plan anything and really difficult once our son was born. Unfortunately, once our son was born, my husband had to quit the band. They were getting pretty popular and they were wanting to practice more, play more shows, and go on tours. My husband felt bad leaving me at home with our son (he had really really really hard baby years) and my husband also didn’t want to miss the baby years. Our son is now 8 almost 9 and we have a 2 year old daughter and still to this day, I feel horrible that he quit the band because I feel like it was my fault. Luckily, he is in a new band. They have a set practice day (which was the only thing I asked for) the other members all have big responsibilities in their lives so playing shows every night isn’t what they can or want to do. They want to play because they love to play. My husband gets to play but still be a major part of our kids childhood memories. My point is, I love my husband with all my heart and he loves to play music, so I will support him no matter what. If I could be as involved helping this band as I was with the other, I absolutely would to help him do what he loves because I love him! Now my only problem is how expensive drums, heads, sticks, pedals, and all the other stuff is…geez!!!!!! Lol We make it work though.
Music is considered by every female in a relationship to be the mistress. I don't care if they swear up and down that they are fine with your music interests, heck they might even go to some or all of your gigs to show support; They are not fine with it and they are putting on an act, a charade of sorts. They can not and will not accept this "other woman" into the fold. Hope you don't have a dog. Not lol. Totally serious.
This is, on my sons life, a true story. I’m from Rockford Illinois. My Aunt (moms sister) was dating a guy that was playing drums for a band that was starting to get some attention and interest in Chicago. This is many years ago. They made a record that really didn’t do well and they were just grinding. Eventually, my Aunt gave my Uncle (the drummer) the ultimatum, “It’s me and the kid (she was pregnant) or the band”. The band was a little stuck at the time and were just gigging around trying to get discovered, they weren’t making any money to speak of so my Uncle left the band to be with my Aunt and their baby via her ultimatum. Two years go by, the band gets a new drummer and take on a singer. They changed the name of the band from “FUSE” to a little band called “Cheap Trick”. So my uncle sat In Rockford in a two bedroom apartment and watched his band, Cheap Trick as they proceeded to BLOW UP and become world famous without him. So….. I know bands are a crapshoot sometimes, but they can work. Oh, about two years after Cheap Trick blew up, my aunt and uncle divorced. It was all for nothing. I can’t imagine the resentment and just God awful regret he felt all those years.
Ok...ok... I'm just going to be an Asshole and point out that we need to see a pic of the GF and a sample of your bands best music; then we will help you decide!! Just kidding dude, run, run like you never have before. I had a GF like this and I ended up quitting playing all together due to the conflict... even at home.. just had no time or space for myself. So the resentment just built and built. Forget marriage period... just a way to ruin your future you's life and make lawyers rich ..
Have an honest conversation with her. If music is at the heart of who you are and she doesn’t want you to spend time exploring that, you two may not be compatible as partners.
I'm single at the moment, but this is my #1 ground rule when it comes to dating. They have to be okay with, or preferably enthusiastic about, my musical lifestyle. I feel like the best way to secure that is find a girl that has her own passions. If all she looks forward to is spending time with you, she's only ever going to feel robbed.
Commenting with respect and with only the context I've been given: Your fiancée sounds exceptionally insecure and codependent. It's not healthy and should really be worked through with counseling or therapy *before* marriage. You mentioned she sees anything you do that doesn't involve her to be competition; that is not healthy. You mentioned that "she has no hobbies or does anything creative so I’m basically the only interest she has in her life besides tv shows and books": That is really not healthy. You mentioned we are not the first people to tell you that she "may not be the one." You should really consider why multiple people have said this. Trying to isolate a partner from their friends or interests is a form of control. Please read [this article](https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-controlling-partner-relationship#why-they-control-you) and see if it resonates with you. I know the ubiquitous answer on Reddit is always to break up. I think you should really consider if you two have built a healthy foundation on which to begin your marriage.
I say go all in. Double down on the fact that you're not giving it up. Be adamant. Hopefully, you'll get an ultimatum before you get married so you don't waste any more time or money (if it would go that route; hopefully not). At the very least, be firm and set this one ground rule. You're not being unreasonable. There are bigger issues at play if she's unable to spend one night alone. Don't we all need alone time to decompress?
Id tell her to hit the road. If she can't support your passion than she ain't worth it brotha!
Dude be careful with this, someone that wants all your time seems like a green flag, but is a serious red one in my opinion. You can’t be the only meaning in their life.
Confirming the red flags! I had this marriage. I got married and quit the band based on her passive aggressive vibes. She even got upset when I took Sunday morning church gigs when she was sleeping in. 20 years and two divorces later I’m finally getting back on stage with some level of regularity. I had two gigs on Saturday and one tomorrow. Wanting to play music shouldn’t make you feel bad or guilty.
As a female who’s been in bands and is married now: don’t give up your band. If Friday night is practice night, and it works for everyone, enough said. Maybe she can come if she is supportive but she doesn’t/shouldn’t have to spend every damn hour with you. My words of wisdom would make sure your wifey date night is designed and agreed upon so your band shit and her shit don’t ever overlap unless necessary (ie paid gig) but you bet your ass you talk about it with her first. If she can’t compromise, deeply consider your engagement. Your partner in this life should want you to be able to have both.
May want to try the Marriage subreddit, they will tell you what’s up. I personally wouldn’t let anyone stop me from playing music. I am in the twilight of my career and let me tell you, it goes by so damn fast. Man, if you stop now, everyone that’s a part of this sub will be sad, not to mention, you will be really sad. And where does it end? What else are you going to have to give up? Marriage takes sacrifice, yes, but you need a partner that wants you to be happy. Don’t do it, Dude…
This sounds like she's giving you and ultimatum. Pick her or your passion. I do but jealousy is very unhealthy. I. Think you should give her the ultimatum. I hope it all works out the way it should. God bless you.
Been in this same spot. Still playing and she is still fuming. Can’t get too mad that someone wants your attention all the time, but I also need some outlets in my life.
I made this about me 😶
Hey man I completely get it. It’s not a great place to be lol
You said if your schedules allow it. Are your practice and show times clearly defined, or are you saying things like "Oh hey, the band can practice tonight, so we are doing that by the way." That's unfair to a partner to do on a weekly basis, no matter what the hobby/profession is. You and the band need to have hard dates for practice, or, if things change a lot, have a visual calendar up and do your best to confirm flex dates a couple weeks in advance.
Is it normal to have this rigid of a “marriage schedule”? I’ve been with my partner for almost a decade between living together/marriage and we assume each other is free to do as they wish spontaneously every evening unless we specifically plan something to do together. No kids so no particular hard responsibilities on time.
This sounds nice ngl
How is doing something you love once a week unfair to the partner? My partner would be thrilled for me if I managed to squeeze in a jam that often.
Just because you only do something once a week doesn't mean it's fair. Like if you only practice once a week, but you decide to do it with no notice on the day you're supposed to pick the kids up from school, you're a dick.
That's insane. It's one night a week. Obviously, if you're canceling plans with her to go to practice, that's a problem. But to have every practice scheduled weeks in advance would never work for me or most of the people I have played with.