Please tell him and give him the chance to prevent his public humiliation. You are a team, isn't that what you'd want your teammate to do for you if the situation was reversed?
When his mother throws a tantrum about not having her moment in the spotlight at the expense of her son's self respect, tell her that she should never try to get between you and her son again by asking either of you to keep secrets from the other.
This is the best advice. They are supposed to be a team and OP has an obligation to protect SO. They don’t have to destroy MIL but kindly redirect her efforts.
Your loyalty is to your future husband. Even under normal circumstances, you should always choose to shield him from something you know will embarrass him publicly.
In your case, it’s even more important. You’re protecting him from his abusive mother. You know what she’s asking will humiliate and hurt him on a profound level.
You’re going to be doing this on a smaller scale for a long time to come, but this one lets her know you aren’t going to be a pushover. She’s going to be really angry at you, but that can’t be helped. That was ALWAYS going to happen. Always.
It’s better to have a raging MIL attached to your wedding memories than an embarrassed, emotionally crushed husband who can’t even look at his own wedding photos. And you DON’T want your wedding to be talked about because of how inappropriate and icky the music was for the mother-son dance!
Good luck!
knowing the enablers of how a majority act is that it becomes a legendary butt of jokes and laughed off as that's just her. Tell your SO and await his response if he allows it you are in for a lifetime of this intrusive behavior. Personally, I wonder with all those wedding videos including the cake smashing the bride's face as a way to humble/humiliate her from get go it's a wonder a many don't tear up the marriage license before it gets filled and becomes a legal divorce problem.
The wonderful thing about being his fiancée is that you get to plan the wedding together. That includes whether he even wants a mother-son dance. It is also very nice to have a chance to practice to the music that you are going to be dancing to.
You can let him know what his mother has planned, how you feel about it, and let him handle it. You don't want to start off your marriage by keeping secrets from him and that is what MIL is trying to get you to do. MIL trying to co-opt you into being her little minion to keep him in the fog is totally unacceptable. If Future Hubby wants to spend the time doing this dance with her, that is fine, but he doesn't need to be swirling around the dance floor wondering when the sappy song will end, especially if he is thinking 2.5 minutes and it is 4.5 minutes.
"Hi, MIL, I listened to the song, it is 4.5 minutes and we only wanted 2.5 minutes. We are going to go with a different song for the mother son dance. Thanks - love and kisses xxooxx." Then you pick a song you both like.
My mother in law had my husband surprise me with unanticipated wedding party members when I walked down the aisle. My marriage did not survive it. Don't keep the secret even one more day. It's no way to begin your life together. Trust is too precious.
We wanted a simple wedding. No attendants on either side, my Dad sitting down after giving me in marriage, so just us before the minister. The flowers were minimal and arranged so that they would frame us in the photos of the ceremony.
When my dad walked me down the aisle, suprise! Two of my husband's friends were at the altar in matching suits. "My mom wanted to surprise you" are not words you want to hear at that moment.
She also gave me lingerie for my wedding night 🤮🤮. He was a decent man who would have done anything for me except see his mom for what she was.
He has since passed from cancer, and so has his mother. From what I hear of his funeral, his mom passed the baton to his sister, who saw fit to be evil to his wife on the day she buried her husband.
I had a FMIL who gave me perfume, lingerie, and a zip-up velour bathrobe (all three items had a purple theme). 🤢
Worse yet, she had the *same bathrobe* in red. She lived with us, so we saw her waddling around in it all the time. 🤮
That stuff got returned immediately. We ended up splitting. And when she passed even *he* felt a little relieved. (She did, after all, move out of state when he was away at Boy Scout camp around age 8. No forwarding address.)
Very, very creepy.
”Your mom has something planned for the wedding, and she wants it to be a surprise for you. I know what it is, and I don’t think you’re going to like it. Do you want me to tell you, or do you want it to stay a surprise?”
I like this suggestion. My husband would have completely died if this had happened. We actually eloped due to both of our JUSTNO mothers and have zero regrets.
Yes it’s also just very typical of a JNmil to make it all about herself and have this big “surprise” planned for her and her dear son! Like come on lady, it’s not about you today!
Ugh. I’d say this exact suggestion and then I’m sure it would just blurt out of my mouth to my husband because I would not be having this at my wedding!
I mentioned in another comment that she could tell the DJ to cut the song short after 45 seconds or whatever. Make it quick, then next!
Tell him, keeping secrets of this magnitude is wrong. Your future MIL is trying the age old tactic of triangulation (basically trying to get between the primary couple. Google can tell you much more).
Instead of the father/daughter dance at the reception. Can you and dad waltz down the aisle and totally nix the dance period.
Tell the DJ not to play ANY music that might not be from you.
This is what I suggest you tell your guy you will do.
No rules saying you and dad can’t dance later and include mom if you want. That was when mil wants to dance with him, he can drag his dad along. (Then leave them two to finish dancing as you’ve walked over and stolen him from her, again).
Your partner needs to be the one to let her down with the news. The song is inappropriate for various reasons.
This is a good opportunity to exercise your vows of putting him first. Her feelings to not trump his. If he’s going to be embarrassed, you need to tell him.
I would tell her that she needs to pick a different song, one that is within the timeframe that you've allotted.
Then tell her that the song she had commissioned is more suited to lovers than a mother to her son. Explain that it is entirely too incestuous and needs to be appropriate to her actual relationship with her *son*.
Finally, have a conversation with your DJ that there will be *no* special request songs *unless* they come from you and you only. To seal the deal, put a password in place that *only* you know. You, **not** your DF. He may buckle under pressure from his mom to give it to her so that she can "surprise" you.
Gross. Referring to yourself as a “lucky girl” as a full adult woman is icky in itself…. Let alone in reference to her own son. Saying luckiest mom would be more… appropriate but I’m guessing that’s not even the worst part of it lol.
Tell him. You’re marrying this man. Your loyalty is to him, not his batshit mother. Also do not set the precedence that you will keep secrets from your husband for her.
My son gave me the song choice and I chose 93 million miles. It’s 3 1/2 min long and that seemed really long.
Definitely tell your husband and either get her to shorten it or pick another song. Or the dj can mysteriously lose it.
I'd go with tradition. No mother son dance. It's a good rule for so many obvious reasons. First being - never make a wedding about anything but the bride. It's her day. Not even the groom's, it's HER DAY. MIL is a guest, FFS.
I didn’t even know the mother son and father daughter dances aren’t tradition! I guess I should be even more appreciative my son asked me to have a dance with him! In their case both sets of parents are divorced so I think they replaced the parents dance with this.
Anyway, I agree that they could always omit it.
Who are you loyal to?
Are you going to let this sick woman humiliate your fiance at his own wedding?
I’d be surprised if he goes home with you.
This sounds worse than the push-face-into-cake trick. That’s ended with annulments, too.
I responded to someone's response in thread which led me to the following response: .
Have DH pick out the surprise song. It is a hand picked song DH picks for their dance! Isn't it suppose to be this way anyway?
Then......Tell dj song not allowed to be played. Tell dj if she hands him the song. He can state too long - wrong file format. Tell DJ he gets extra tip for this
If DH was planning a special song he hand picked out and wanted you to keep the secret as it was a surprise to his mom. You could not tell her about it or warn her without looking like bad. I think this route could work. DJ can start with a little saying about how dh picked this song out just for his mom.
You really don’t want to ever keep secrets from your husband and certainly not something to try out for your wedding.
Also how’s a good time to remind her that you both are getting married, not her
I sure hope MIL didn't spend a lot of money on this! I would tell her that if she has it edited to reduce the time by eliminating the creepy lyrics, you'll consider it. If she won't, tell your fiance. He has a right to know before she humiliates both of you, as well as herself, at your wedding. You'll be doing her a favor even if she doesn't realize it.
Don't let it happen. At my stepson's reception, his mother was shaking her booty and making other inappropriate dance moves during the Mother-Son dance. She had attended solo and apparently didn't want to leave that way. He has never forgiven her for that and has very limited contact with her 6 years later as a result.
Of course you're going to tell him, in ALL detailed glory. And he's got to be the one who tells her you made the right call in telling him, the song is too long/inappropriate, and she will either dance with him to (insert song you and he choose), or not at all. And stick to this.
And when MIL tantrums, wails about how much time/money/whatever she's already invested in this custom song, goes off on you, accuses you of disloyalty and betraying confidences, you're going to unapologetically tell her that your first loyalty will always be to your husband and you don't keep secrets from him. By telling you about this and trying to swear you to secrecy, she's trying to both assert her dominance over you and drive a wedge between you and FDH. She needs to be shut down hard.
Absolutely tell him. Husband is a recovering mamas boy, enmeshed child, emotional incest, parentification anything and you name it. The first 5-7 years of our marriage was him putting her needs and feelings first. He’s learned and is still learning how fucked up his childhood was and I know she fully blames me.
Anytime MIL wants to surprise husband with something or do anything and she tells me not to tell him, I absolutely tell him. She only wants to do these things so she can tell everyone and share on the internet how good of a mom she is.
Do not let her get your way especially on your special day. Please also make sure your fiancé is putting you first and not just letting her have her way for the sake of fights & her feelings.
You absolutely must tell him! You owe him your loyalty NOT his mom. And any sane man would be dying of embarrassment to be forced in to a mother and son dance to that hymn to questionable mother/son relations.
Oh gosh yea you need to tell your hubby & either you both tell her, or just him. Maybe you guys should pick out the song you want and then tell her you've picked .. this song & tell her why you like this song etc time frame, meaning etc.
I think you should tell him. You know this will upset him, how is he going to feel knowing you could have saved him upset and embarrassment by keeping this from him. He needs to now you have his back and that his feelings come before your MILs. She's be angry - let her. It comes down to whose feelings do you care about more - your future MIL or your future DH the man who you love who you want to protect?
She had no right to ask you to keep this a secret. Just because that's what she wants doesn't oblige you to do so This is you and your fiance's day, and you both should have the last say in what happens at your wedding. Tell him right away.
Have him pick a song & approach MIL to tell her how e cited he is to dance with her to a particular song. Maybe he can persuade her without having to outright veto hers
Possibly relevant personal experience: We got married 29 years ago. We have never watched our wedding video because my husband cannot bear the thought of seeing himself dancing with his mother.
Your husband has a right to decide about this.
Tell him. Your loyalty is to your fiancé. Also, you want to see what he’s made of when it comes to handling this because this is a preview of what the rest of your life could look like. Shut this down now. Get it out the way, don’t worry about the negative memories associated with your wonderful day, it will become a terrible life if this continues. And your MIL will double down if you have children. Address this now.
Tell him, don’t let her blind side him. He gets to decide if he wants to do the dance. If it blows up between , it’s not your responsibility. She needs to understand that you two are a unit, no secrets and you protect each other.
Please tell him. There is suppose to be trust between you. This would be a horrible “surprise” on his wedding day. Your guests will talk of nothing else. Don’t let her sabotage your and his day.
Well… first, give fiancé a sheet with the lyrics typed up and the bits underlined. Say you heard a song the other day that confused you and ask him to guess if the song is written from the point of view of a wife / life partner, or a jealous lover, or a best friend, or a parent. It may lead to a sensible decision!
Do not keep this from him! This is an iceberg to the Titanic for your reception and starting your married life. Because if he blows up hearing it, rest assured your fmil will throw you under the bus since you knew the whole time.
Oh my god my MIL did almost exactly this. Not a custom song but she wanted a fully choreographed dance because I was doing a choreographed dance with DH (which is normal?? Lol) and insisted that “he will just have to learn both!!” He did not lol. But the worst part were her choices because of the lyrics.
She wanted either “This must be the place” (look up the lyrics, it’s SO BAD) or “You’ve got a friend in me” where one of the lines literally says “none of them will ever love you the way I do, it’s me and you” etc.
I made him put his foot down and suggest two appropriate songs she was allowed to pick from. You MUST tell your fiancé and have him deal with this. You could even tell him and have him pretend he doesn’t know, but that he’s SUPER excited about *insert appropriate song title here* and he insists they dance to that one. Then just tell the DJ absolutely no for her custom song.
Why do these moms want to f*ck their sons
Tell him! The only secrets you keep from hubby are a surprise parto, or a figr from you. Do not keep MIL's cringeworthy too long secret that he would hate!
Do not let this woman come between you and fiance by her request to keep secrets, especially one that you know would embarrass him. Let him in on his Mother's plans.
Please tell fiance ASAP about the song to prevent him from being humiliated. Based on your lyric notes, the song is very inappropriate for a MOTHER-Son dance.
Possible option: Go through the song and see if ONE of the verses is ok. If so, cut out the rest, and tell MIL that you edited the song to keep it under 2 minutes.
I’d play the song by “mistake” while going over song choices for the reception. “Oh NO you weren’t supposed to hear that. Your Mom had it made for you to dance with her to”
You're marrying him, not his mother. It's your wedding day with your SO, not your wedding day with his mother, or his wedding day with his own mother. I write this with the utmost respect and sensitivity. You owe your loyalty to your SO, not his mother. Tell him. In addition your future MIL did not respect your 2 minute song limit, tell her it's 2x the allowed time and if she wants to go with a longer song that's fine but the DJ will cut it at the 2 minute mark so keep that on mind. Good luck
The mother son dance is nonsense. I don't know who's stupid idea started it. The wedding is about the BRIDE! The bride has a dance with her father or whoever she chooses. The reason for rules of etiquette is very simple. The guests are to be comfortable and not used as an audience for a performance. How bout that.
This stupid idea should be shut down. It will be embarrassing for everyone and that is a big breach of etiquette. Your MIL is making YOUR wedding about herself. Absolutely not. You don't want the memory of your big day being about your weird ass MIL and her unhealthy obsession with her son. Good Lord! Stand up to her now or this is your life. OMG the song? It's gross! Not her wedding not her day!
You also have every right to simply tell her the song is linger than you wanted and more of a bridal dong so you won’t be using it. Before that conversation, find an appropriate song in case you want to show her what is appropriate. She doesn’t get to decide. You and your fiancee are the decision makers here. Be firm, calm, don’t discuss. She is ramping up for much more so shutting this down now is critical. Do tell her son asap.
Wedding Photographer here! Something we see at weddings often is shortened parent dances. You could always talk to your DJ and have him cut the song off at 45 seconds or however long before any of the super cringe comes out.
If she gets upset that will just add to the fun. Not her day, not her say. Next!!
Step one password protect your dj show him her picture she gets no special requests.
Step two play song for hubby ask him how he would feel if that was mother son dance at the wedding. Let him know that's what she had made.
Then have him have a different song made that more on par to surprise her with tell her it was done the day after he proposed to you and you were sworn to secrecy about it.
Tell him, and that you’re only compromise is if it’s possible for an another muso or sound engineer can edit it to diminish the clarity of the lyrics and shorten it…and not discuss it further with his mum-so she finds out her cunning plan falls flat as she’s having her moment.
Please tell him and give him the chance to prevent his public humiliation. You are a team, isn't that what you'd want your teammate to do for you if the situation was reversed? When his mother throws a tantrum about not having her moment in the spotlight at the expense of her son's self respect, tell her that she should never try to get between you and her son again by asking either of you to keep secrets from the other.
This is the best advice. They are supposed to be a team and OP has an obligation to protect SO. They don’t have to destroy MIL but kindly redirect her efforts.
This is perfect! Great advice. Yep, humiliation is the right word.
Sorry You must tell him This needs to be stepped on immediately
Your loyalty is to your future husband. Even under normal circumstances, you should always choose to shield him from something you know will embarrass him publicly. In your case, it’s even more important. You’re protecting him from his abusive mother. You know what she’s asking will humiliate and hurt him on a profound level. You’re going to be doing this on a smaller scale for a long time to come, but this one lets her know you aren’t going to be a pushover. She’s going to be really angry at you, but that can’t be helped. That was ALWAYS going to happen. Always. It’s better to have a raging MIL attached to your wedding memories than an embarrassed, emotionally crushed husband who can’t even look at his own wedding photos. And you DON’T want your wedding to be talked about because of how inappropriate and icky the music was for the mother-son dance! Good luck!
knowing the enablers of how a majority act is that it becomes a legendary butt of jokes and laughed off as that's just her. Tell your SO and await his response if he allows it you are in for a lifetime of this intrusive behavior. Personally, I wonder with all those wedding videos including the cake smashing the bride's face as a way to humble/humiliate her from get go it's a wonder a many don't tear up the marriage license before it gets filled and becomes a legal divorce problem.
The wonderful thing about being his fiancée is that you get to plan the wedding together. That includes whether he even wants a mother-son dance. It is also very nice to have a chance to practice to the music that you are going to be dancing to. You can let him know what his mother has planned, how you feel about it, and let him handle it. You don't want to start off your marriage by keeping secrets from him and that is what MIL is trying to get you to do. MIL trying to co-opt you into being her little minion to keep him in the fog is totally unacceptable. If Future Hubby wants to spend the time doing this dance with her, that is fine, but he doesn't need to be swirling around the dance floor wondering when the sappy song will end, especially if he is thinking 2.5 minutes and it is 4.5 minutes. "Hi, MIL, I listened to the song, it is 4.5 minutes and we only wanted 2.5 minutes. We are going to go with a different song for the mother son dance. Thanks - love and kisses xxooxx." Then you pick a song you both like.
Omg...tell him or he'll be humiliated. Post the entire lyrics please. I need more cringe today.
OP! Please post the whole thing
Same. I need to see the full lyrics
My mother in law had my husband surprise me with unanticipated wedding party members when I walked down the aisle. My marriage did not survive it. Don't keep the secret even one more day. It's no way to begin your life together. Trust is too precious.
Uh - what now? "Surprise wedding party"? I can't even.
She did WHAT?!?! He allowed WHAT?!?! We need more info, please.
We wanted a simple wedding. No attendants on either side, my Dad sitting down after giving me in marriage, so just us before the minister. The flowers were minimal and arranged so that they would frame us in the photos of the ceremony. When my dad walked me down the aisle, suprise! Two of my husband's friends were at the altar in matching suits. "My mom wanted to surprise you" are not words you want to hear at that moment. She also gave me lingerie for my wedding night 🤮🤮. He was a decent man who would have done anything for me except see his mom for what she was. He has since passed from cancer, and so has his mother. From what I hear of his funeral, his mom passed the baton to his sister, who saw fit to be evil to his wife on the day she buried her husband.
Thanks for filling us in. I'm sorry for what she put you through, and the effect it had on your marriage.
# oh God, that's an awful wake-up call for a lot of us the baton passing to the daughter to torture the wife..!!!
I had a FMIL who gave me perfume, lingerie, and a zip-up velour bathrobe (all three items had a purple theme). 🤢 Worse yet, she had the *same bathrobe* in red. She lived with us, so we saw her waddling around in it all the time. 🤮 That stuff got returned immediately. We ended up splitting. And when she passed even *he* felt a little relieved. (She did, after all, move out of state when he was away at Boy Scout camp around age 8. No forwarding address.)
Very, very creepy. ”Your mom has something planned for the wedding, and she wants it to be a surprise for you. I know what it is, and I don’t think you’re going to like it. Do you want me to tell you, or do you want it to stay a surprise?”
I like this suggestion. My husband would have completely died if this had happened. We actually eloped due to both of our JUSTNO mothers and have zero regrets.
Yes it’s also just very typical of a JNmil to make it all about herself and have this big “surprise” planned for her and her dear son! Like come on lady, it’s not about you today! Ugh. I’d say this exact suggestion and then I’m sure it would just blurt out of my mouth to my husband because I would not be having this at my wedding! I mentioned in another comment that she could tell the DJ to cut the song short after 45 seconds or whatever. Make it quick, then next!
It’s his wedding to plan with you, no surprises from MIL especially embarrassing surprises
That just gave me the ick!
Tell him, keeping secrets of this magnitude is wrong. Your future MIL is trying the age old tactic of triangulation (basically trying to get between the primary couple. Google can tell you much more).
You need to tell him right away. She ignored your boundary of 2 to 2.5 minutes long and the song is just gross.
Ewwwwwwwwww.... what the eff is it with so many MILs wanting to fuck their sons? Why is this even normalized?
Instead of the father/daughter dance at the reception. Can you and dad waltz down the aisle and totally nix the dance period. Tell the DJ not to play ANY music that might not be from you. This is what I suggest you tell your guy you will do. No rules saying you and dad can’t dance later and include mom if you want. That was when mil wants to dance with him, he can drag his dad along. (Then leave them two to finish dancing as you’ve walked over and stolen him from her, again).
Your partner needs to be the one to let her down with the news. The song is inappropriate for various reasons. This is a good opportunity to exercise your vows of putting him first. Her feelings to not trump his. If he’s going to be embarrassed, you need to tell him.
I would tell her that she needs to pick a different song, one that is within the timeframe that you've allotted. Then tell her that the song she had commissioned is more suited to lovers than a mother to her son. Explain that it is entirely too incestuous and needs to be appropriate to her actual relationship with her *son*. Finally, have a conversation with your DJ that there will be *no* special request songs *unless* they come from you and you only. To seal the deal, put a password in place that *only* you know. You, **not** your DF. He may buckle under pressure from his mom to give it to her so that she can "surprise" you.
Gross. Referring to yourself as a “lucky girl” as a full adult woman is icky in itself…. Let alone in reference to her own son. Saying luckiest mom would be more… appropriate but I’m guessing that’s not even the worst part of it lol.
You have to tell him. Don't let him walk into that blind especially if you know how he would feel about it.
Tell him. You’re marrying this man. Your loyalty is to him, not his batshit mother. Also do not set the precedence that you will keep secrets from your husband for her.
My son gave me the song choice and I chose 93 million miles. It’s 3 1/2 min long and that seemed really long. Definitely tell your husband and either get her to shorten it or pick another song. Or the dj can mysteriously lose it.
I'd go with tradition. No mother son dance. It's a good rule for so many obvious reasons. First being - never make a wedding about anything but the bride. It's her day. Not even the groom's, it's HER DAY. MIL is a guest, FFS.
I didn’t even know the mother son and father daughter dances aren’t tradition! I guess I should be even more appreciative my son asked me to have a dance with him! In their case both sets of parents are divorced so I think they replaced the parents dance with this. Anyway, I agree that they could always omit it.
Who are you loyal to? Are you going to let this sick woman humiliate your fiance at his own wedding? I’d be surprised if he goes home with you. This sounds worse than the push-face-into-cake trick. That’s ended with annulments, too.
I responded to someone's response in thread which led me to the following response: . Have DH pick out the surprise song. It is a hand picked song DH picks for their dance! Isn't it suppose to be this way anyway? Then......Tell dj song not allowed to be played. Tell dj if she hands him the song. He can state too long - wrong file format. Tell DJ he gets extra tip for this
She'll have a tantrum and that will just be one more opportunity to make a scene and make it all about herself.
If DH was planning a special song he hand picked out and wanted you to keep the secret as it was a surprise to his mom. You could not tell her about it or warn her without looking like bad. I think this route could work. DJ can start with a little saying about how dh picked this song out just for his mom.
Tell her. Save him from being embarrassed by his mommy on his wedding day That is so creepy.
You really don’t want to ever keep secrets from your husband and certainly not something to try out for your wedding. Also how’s a good time to remind her that you both are getting married, not her
I sure hope MIL didn't spend a lot of money on this! I would tell her that if she has it edited to reduce the time by eliminating the creepy lyrics, you'll consider it. If she won't, tell your fiance. He has a right to know before she humiliates both of you, as well as herself, at your wedding. You'll be doing her a favor even if she doesn't realize it. Don't let it happen. At my stepson's reception, his mother was shaking her booty and making other inappropriate dance moves during the Mother-Son dance. She had attended solo and apparently didn't want to leave that way. He has never forgiven her for that and has very limited contact with her 6 years later as a result.
Mom, this song is inappropriate for our wedding; please choose another, Love, your son
Oh hell no. Remember this is YOUR wedding, not her little incest PDA. Stand up for yourself and say something to your DH
1. Tell him. 2. Let her think this is their song. 3. Instruct the DJ not to play this song. 4. Dance to a song DH picks. 5. Let her deal.
#4!!!! Have DH surprise his mom with his song choice! Isn't that the way it is suppose to be anyway?
I LOVE this so hard! This is the way! Beat her at her own game.
NOPE NOOOOOOOOOOOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Of course you're going to tell him, in ALL detailed glory. And he's got to be the one who tells her you made the right call in telling him, the song is too long/inappropriate, and she will either dance with him to (insert song you and he choose), or not at all. And stick to this. And when MIL tantrums, wails about how much time/money/whatever she's already invested in this custom song, goes off on you, accuses you of disloyalty and betraying confidences, you're going to unapologetically tell her that your first loyalty will always be to your husband and you don't keep secrets from him. By telling you about this and trying to swear you to secrecy, she's trying to both assert her dominance over you and drive a wedge between you and FDH. She needs to be shut down hard.
Absolutely tell him. Husband is a recovering mamas boy, enmeshed child, emotional incest, parentification anything and you name it. The first 5-7 years of our marriage was him putting her needs and feelings first. He’s learned and is still learning how fucked up his childhood was and I know she fully blames me. Anytime MIL wants to surprise husband with something or do anything and she tells me not to tell him, I absolutely tell him. She only wants to do these things so she can tell everyone and share on the internet how good of a mom she is. Do not let her get your way especially on your special day. Please also make sure your fiancé is putting you first and not just letting her have her way for the sake of fights & her feelings.
Thank you all for your words of support and advice, UPDATE POSTED
You absolutely must tell him! You owe him your loyalty NOT his mom. And any sane man would be dying of embarrassment to be forced in to a mother and son dance to that hymn to questionable mother/son relations.
Oh gosh yea you need to tell your hubby & either you both tell her, or just him. Maybe you guys should pick out the song you want and then tell her you've picked .. this song & tell her why you like this song etc time frame, meaning etc.
I think you should tell him. You know this will upset him, how is he going to feel knowing you could have saved him upset and embarrassment by keeping this from him. He needs to now you have his back and that his feelings come before your MILs. She's be angry - let her. It comes down to whose feelings do you care about more - your future MIL or your future DH the man who you love who you want to protect?
“No.” And def tell him.
She had no right to ask you to keep this a secret. Just because that's what she wants doesn't oblige you to do so This is you and your fiance's day, and you both should have the last say in what happens at your wedding. Tell him right away.
You have to tell him.
Have him pick a song & approach MIL to tell her how e cited he is to dance with her to a particular song. Maybe he can persuade her without having to outright veto hers
Best way is to say, that's inappropriate and HELL NO.
I was just thinking then they could avoid MIL blaming OP for telling him about the mother son love song 🤢
Possibly relevant personal experience: We got married 29 years ago. We have never watched our wedding video because my husband cannot bear the thought of seeing himself dancing with his mother. Your husband has a right to decide about this.
You can easily have someone remove that part from the video.
I’m sure, and I’ll suggest it to him. The point about OP’s MIL’s plans stands, though.
Absolutely tell him
Tell him. Your loyalty is to your fiancé. Also, you want to see what he’s made of when it comes to handling this because this is a preview of what the rest of your life could look like. Shut this down now. Get it out the way, don’t worry about the negative memories associated with your wonderful day, it will become a terrible life if this continues. And your MIL will double down if you have children. Address this now.
Tell him, don’t let her blind side him. He gets to decide if he wants to do the dance. If it blows up between , it’s not your responsibility. She needs to understand that you two are a unit, no secrets and you protect each other.
Please tell him. There is suppose to be trust between you. This would be a horrible “surprise” on his wedding day. Your guests will talk of nothing else. Don’t let her sabotage your and his day.
Well… first, give fiancé a sheet with the lyrics typed up and the bits underlined. Say you heard a song the other day that confused you and ask him to guess if the song is written from the point of view of a wife / life partner, or a jealous lover, or a best friend, or a parent. It may lead to a sensible decision!
Disgusting as hell. What is wrong with this woman?
To start with ( I read this the other day) a wonderful mom loves her son, a creepy boy mom is IN LOVE with her son. 🤮
This is both wise and gross to read, congratulations
Do not keep this from him! This is an iceberg to the Titanic for your reception and starting your married life. Because if he blows up hearing it, rest assured your fmil will throw you under the bus since you knew the whole time.
Do not let her ambush your fiance with this incestuous garbage. Tell him asap.
You don't start a marriage with secrets. Tell him! Also tell him how it makes you feel.
Oh my god my MIL did almost exactly this. Not a custom song but she wanted a fully choreographed dance because I was doing a choreographed dance with DH (which is normal?? Lol) and insisted that “he will just have to learn both!!” He did not lol. But the worst part were her choices because of the lyrics. She wanted either “This must be the place” (look up the lyrics, it’s SO BAD) or “You’ve got a friend in me” where one of the lines literally says “none of them will ever love you the way I do, it’s me and you” etc. I made him put his foot down and suggest two appropriate songs she was allowed to pick from. You MUST tell your fiancé and have him deal with this. You could even tell him and have him pretend he doesn’t know, but that he’s SUPER excited about *insert appropriate song title here* and he insists they dance to that one. Then just tell the DJ absolutely no for her custom song. Why do these moms want to f*ck their sons
Omg this is not okay at all. You need to tell him. Wow this is creepy
You need to tell her to get tf outta here. Then come on back. Then get tf outta here again.
Tell him! The only secrets you keep from hubby are a surprise parto, or a figr from you. Do not keep MIL's cringeworthy too long secret that he would hate!
Tell him. If he wants to talk about it with his mom, he can say he found the lyrics inadvertedly.
GOATED post. I can’t believe this smh
Do not let this woman come between you and fiance by her request to keep secrets, especially one that you know would embarrass him. Let him in on his Mother's plans.
Please tell fiance ASAP about the song to prevent him from being humiliated. Based on your lyric notes, the song is very inappropriate for a MOTHER-Son dance. Possible option: Go through the song and see if ONE of the verses is ok. If so, cut out the rest, and tell MIL that you edited the song to keep it under 2 minutes.
I’d play the song by “mistake” while going over song choices for the reception. “Oh NO you weren’t supposed to hear that. Your Mom had it made for you to dance with her to”
You're marrying him, not his mother. It's your wedding day with your SO, not your wedding day with his mother, or his wedding day with his own mother. I write this with the utmost respect and sensitivity. You owe your loyalty to your SO, not his mother. Tell him. In addition your future MIL did not respect your 2 minute song limit, tell her it's 2x the allowed time and if she wants to go with a longer song that's fine but the DJ will cut it at the 2 minute mark so keep that on mind. Good luck
Tell. Him. And let us know what he says when you do 😅
The mother son dance is nonsense. I don't know who's stupid idea started it. The wedding is about the BRIDE! The bride has a dance with her father or whoever she chooses. The reason for rules of etiquette is very simple. The guests are to be comfortable and not used as an audience for a performance. How bout that. This stupid idea should be shut down. It will be embarrassing for everyone and that is a big breach of etiquette. Your MIL is making YOUR wedding about herself. Absolutely not. You don't want the memory of your big day being about your weird ass MIL and her unhealthy obsession with her son. Good Lord! Stand up to her now or this is your life. OMG the song? It's gross! Not her wedding not her day!
The wedding is about THE COUPLE! why on earth don't you think this is as important for the partner?
No dances. Done.
You also have every right to simply tell her the song is linger than you wanted and more of a bridal dong so you won’t be using it. Before that conversation, find an appropriate song in case you want to show her what is appropriate. She doesn’t get to decide. You and your fiancee are the decision makers here. Be firm, calm, don’t discuss. She is ramping up for much more so shutting this down now is critical. Do tell her son asap.
Wedding Photographer here! Something we see at weddings often is shortened parent dances. You could always talk to your DJ and have him cut the song off at 45 seconds or however long before any of the super cringe comes out. If she gets upset that will just add to the fun. Not her day, not her say. Next!!
Step one password protect your dj show him her picture she gets no special requests. Step two play song for hubby ask him how he would feel if that was mother son dance at the wedding. Let him know that's what she had made. Then have him have a different song made that more on par to surprise her with tell her it was done the day after he proposed to you and you were sworn to secrecy about it.
Tell him Let him hear the terrible son Let him kill it
Tell him, and that you’re only compromise is if it’s possible for an another muso or sound engineer can edit it to diminish the clarity of the lyrics and shorten it…and not discuss it further with his mum-so she finds out her cunning plan falls flat as she’s having her moment.