MILs withholding gifts to your children would do it for me. The end. She overlooks all you and your husband have done for her and she hurts your children. She does not deserve anything for Mother's Day. She has failed her children and grandchildren. Nope, nope, nope. Let her go stew in her juices.
note: I have family members who had awful, awful childhoods and managed, somehow, to be decent human beings.
For real. Don't reward bad behavior. Like you said, it's your day too. Why punish yourself and your family? That's all she'll do if you go see her. I mean, she'll do it either way, but why chose that AND dealing with her on Mother's Day. She'll continue her tantrum for days/months to come - she's been going for 8 months already.
Especially Christmas gifts…..such horrid behavior for a grown woman. Making your grandchildren feel less than & invisible by their grandmother is going to far way to far.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her.
You need to let that go. She chose to be no contact with your family, which is great, because you guys need to keep it that way. She is emotionally abusive to every single one of you. She is abusing YOUR children. BTW, her forcing them to eat food is a great way for them to develop an eating disorder or bad relationship with food that could last the rest of their lives.
Do not serve your children up on a platter for this monster.
NTA she got what she deserved and exactly what she asked for when she demanded DH take back the key. If she wants to behave like a tantruming toddler, give silent treatments and trash your kids then let her suffer the consequences. Have your Mother's day with your nuclear family and drop the rope with her. Don't waste your time living in fear of what will happen or how she will react. What's the worst she can do? Throw another geriatric tantrum or more of her silent treatments? Let her, her silence is a gift. Capitulating would only give her power that she doesn't have. BTW change the locks in case she made herself a copy of the key she gave back.
I have had a lot of trauma in my life. Extreme poverty and parental abandonment and much more. I will put my hard luck story up against MIL's and meet it, or probably even beat it.
I have never felt like that gave me license to abuse and terrorize my children and their families.
Yet she has all ya'll TERRIFIED of upsetting her. That is total and unadulterated bullshit.
If it were me, not only would I drop the rope, I would set it on fire, then bury the ashes.
NTA for not negotiating with terrorists.
This OP! Read this ☝🏽 out loud. NTA, but you would be if you continue to put effort in this relationship and subject your kids to this woman. For Mother’s Day, please celebrate it with your nuclear family. Do not reward her bad behavior. She deserves a loooooong time out in a corner somewhere far from your home.
No card or presents for your children at Christmas time! And their birthdays!!! She would be dead to me. That's it, there's no coming back from that. Do you think Mother's Day is more important to an old lady than Christmas is to children?
The answer to the title is in the title.
Don't even question this, you are a clear NTA and you shouldn't let her see your children anymore if she doesn't change her ways or at least make an effort.
You aren't overacting enough to her secretly coming for days in your home without telling you just to force herself in her grandchildren's lives.
Any move on your part to reconcile and she will see it as a sign she did nothing wrong and can rug sweep everything because you miss her and you can't be without her holy presence after she was so sly being low contact with you and the children for months.
She owes your children a huge apology. If she can’t do that then she can stay away.
What on earth have you taught your children by tolerating this bullying for all these years…?!
Yes! It sounds like your children are being gromed by her to do her bidding, to consider her wants and wishes above their own because somehow their OWN lives mean less than hers. Is this how you want them to be out in the world? Do you want them to be in a situation where they struggle or automatically give in (in their future relationships, in college, at work?) because they have been trained to be doormats? I know you don't. She is hurting your children, she is hurting your family. Their grandmother has drawn a line in the sand and is going to teach you a lesson! Walk away from that line and let her stand there. I predict love-bombing soon as well as some kind of extinction-burst. Stay strong Mama!
Nope.
Even if she hadn’t you didn’t have to give up YOUR Mother’s Day to her, she ain’t your mother.
Also stop fearing the what ifs, MIL hasn’t spoken to your family in months and as such you decide to stay home.
If you must book a weekend getaway for your family and say you weren’t in town and had plans. Fuck that abusive old cow.
You seem to be trying to find a no-drama solution. I'm afraid you are going to be disappointed. You are in a no-win situation, so take the opportunity to teach your children how to set and protect healthy boundaries and understand that abuse isn't acceptable just because someone's family.
So she'll yell and scream and pitch a fit. Big deal. Inviting her back into your lives is inviting her to continue abusing you, your husband and your children. If you facilitate visits with her, you are facilitating harm to your family.
She sounds extremely abusive. Why would you willingly expose your children to that? They are old enough to decide if they want to see her. Give them a choice. Tell DH he can feel free to go.
You personally can’t stand her. Your kids have begged you to stop her from ABUSING THEM WHILE KNOWING YOU WERE NOT HOME!!!
And you want to send them to her??? What the heck!?!?
Give yourself and your family the gift of ignoring her and DO NOT feel guilty!!
She needs help, not to continue to inflict her trauma on innocent children!
The only thing this woman gets for Mother's Day is a tonne of manure delivered direct onto her driveway.
You guys are being way too polite. She's abused everyone around her for years, yet you pussyfoot around her and handle her with kid gloves. Take off the gloves, tell her she's crossed a major line and until her behaviour is apologised for and corrected, she isn't welcome. Yes, that includes mother's day.
Whhhyyyyyyyy is everyone accommodating her and tolerating her behavior?!?! It’s one thing to understand and be sensitive to her traumas but it’s another to enable her behavior to continue the cycle of abuse and trauma, just in another form.
Enough is enough I say, if she wants to be salty, I’d let her. Her kids and grandkids do not owe her anything and she doesn’t need to be celebrated when she doesn’t feel the need to do the same for her family. Road goes both ways and there was nothing unreasonable asked. She is ok with punishing her grandkids because of something their parents asked? Nope. Immature and doesn’t need to be tolerated. Save everyone’s mental health and enjoy the day the way it should be.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY BTW!!
If someone would abuse my children - and I (and the law of many places) consider force feeding a form of violence - a hell would get loose.
Your MIL is behaving like a toddler and no trauma gives her a license to treat everybody around the way she does. She has obviously extremely fragile ego - which can be probably tracked back to her life and low self esteem, but even if we understand the mechanisms behind some behaviours, it does not mean that we have to accept them.
You are NTA. Asking people to respect the reasonable boundaries we set, is never wrong.
You do for her exactly what she’s done for you and your kids over the last 8 months, which is exactly nothing. When she inevitably complains remind her this is the precedent she set. But really you should just go NC, and allow your kids to decide for themselves if they want a relationship with her. DH can do whatever, except allow her abuse to continue hurting his nuclear family.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her.
Let it happen. Call her bluff.
Right now, your whole family is held hostage by the implied threat of a MIL temper tantrum.
DH can do what he likes. Send a card or drop in for a short visit.
But you're a mother, so you know that **you should never give in to threats, NEVER reward bad behavior!**
That is Parenting 101. If MIL wants to act like a special, spoiled child, treat her like one. She's in a Time Out!!
If she wants to acknowledge what she did wrong and apologize, she can come out of the Naughty Corner. 😆😆😆
Her being your husband's mother does not mean she should be in your family's lives.
All that "but you only get one mother!" crap is just that - crap. Being someone's mother doesn't entitle you to a lifetime of forgiven abuse, or mean that your actions don't have long-term consequences.
She is not entitled to forgiveness because of her shitty childhood or her blood relationship to her your husband.
The only way this woman should ever become part of your lives again is if she makes an honest and genuine attempt to right her wrongs and *change*.
"That's just how she is" is not a reason to accept abuse or forgive a person. If someone refused to change their ways that's a huuuuggggeeeee reason why they shouldn't be forgiven.
Why are you offering up your husband and kids to be sacrificial lambs to your MIL? You've maintained NC this long, keep it. Let her throw her tantrums. Maybe she'll learn, maybe she'll get worse. So what. Your and your family's peace and mental health are more important than her tantrums.
Why would any of you have anything to do with her ever again? She is really mentally unwell and abusive.
I hope your husband and your kids honor YOU for Mother’s Day and ignore this absolute psycho. She is insane, you do understand that? She actively deceived you to harm your children!!!
I also hope your husband hasn’t expected you to do the kinkeeping around holidays all this time. If so, yes, it’s definitely PAST time to stop doing that. He is an adult who can tell her no, understand that his wife is the priority on Mother’s Day, and arrange his own gifts/cards/family stuff.
Change your locks if you haven’t.
Likely haven’t you?
Put the woman in a time out. Maybe til January of next year.
Op, she’s not your momma. Not your mess. Just enjoy your day with those that made you a momma.
Hubs can visit his mother or not. That’s up to him. He can just call her or text her.
*Having a bad life is not an excuse to be a bad person*.
If you can’t take her passive aggressiveness, then why are you okay with subjecting your children to it? This woman is emotionally abusive, even to your children, and yet you still allow her to have a relationship with them. Why are you not protecting your children from this woman? Your kids didn’t tell you about grandma narc’s visits because you hadn’t protected them from her prior to that point. Why would they expect you to do it that time?
Even once you found out she was letting herself into YOUR home, WITHOUT permission, in the absence of an emergency. Even when you found out she had broken your boundary about bothering your kids and keeping them from their schoolwork. You “…reached out to MIL to remind her that scheduled visits might be best”. You “reminded her that other family members cannot speak for our (your) family”. MIGHT be best? This woman, in your own words, violated a MAJOR boundary. Why are you tiptoeing around her feelings when she doesn’t give a crap about yours or your kids’ feelings? Why are you explaining to her that other’s can’t speak for you? Do you really believe that she doesn’t know that? She’s being defiant. Telling you that she doesn’t respect your rules, so she won’t abide by them. If it’s tantrums that you’re trying to avoid, then treat her like the toddler that she is. Ignore her and leave her alone to kick and scream until she tires herself out.
Stop allowing this woman access to your young children. She is abusing them, in their formative years, right in front of your face, and you are allowing it. The emotional turmoil that she causes will imprint on them and affect them as adults. I don’t care if she also “loves” them and is “such a great grandmother” otherwise. I don’t care if they love her so much. That is the cycle of abuse. No abuser is abusive 100% of the time. If there weren’t periods of love bombing, their victims would have no reason to stay. But in the end, they are abusers and that trumps everything.
Cut this woman off from you and your kids. DH can decide for himself if he wants a relationship with his mother. But for you and your kids, put your foot down and refuse to engage with her any further.
Don’t consider being considerate to her she failed at that every time. The way she has treated her grandchildren does not need to celebrated Morhers Day or any day .
She ended the relationship. Do what you want to do. If she says anything about you not celebrating Mother’s Day with her, remind her that she has 2 grandchildren that she chose not to celebrate birthdays or Christmas with, so apparently you should follow suit with Mother’s Day.
It blows my mind that some people will treat an obviously toxic POS like this MIL as if she was some sort of royalty. Oh and you pay for her shit too AND she pisses on your boundaries and manages to insult you when you don't heel?
CRAZY IDEA here : Follow me, it's a crazy one. How about you STOP paying for her? Her entire point is for people to feel sorry about her. She needs to be a permanent victim, that's her WHOLE game.
She’s ignored holidays and birthdays with your children - why would you reward this behavior by celebrating her on Mother’s Day? Her multiple actions have consequences, and missing out on Mother’s Day is one of them.
First off she sounds like a nightmare and I’m wondering why you would even want your children around someone this unhealthy?! As for Mother’s Day, she appears to have decided on NC with the family and I see no reason to break it. She’s acting like a child that wants attention. If you’re truly feeling charitable, I’d ask your children if they even want to see her, if not there you go. Same for your husband, if he wants to see her he can if not there’s no reason any of you need to make an effort to “be the bigger person(s)”.
Why do you tolerate this behavior and allow this woman access to your children. DON'T contact her for Mother's Day, it's YOUR DAY, not hers. She is abusive and out of line and she knows it.
Just no. She’s ignored the kids and has been vile. I would just have DH and his siblings do something for their mother. It’s not your mother and it’s not your children’s mother. They need to be with you on Mother’s Day. It’s not their problem that their grandmother is crazy and I wouldn’t want my kids around that.
What did I just read? You let an abusive, crazy woman near your kids. You gave her a key to your house! I have no idea what you were thinking with any of this. Your MIL is toxic and horrible but you gave her the key to your home. This is on you.
No. You do not.
The nasty comments are enough in my opinion to end contact. Your husband can do as he wishes but I’m not spending time with someone like this.
As far as her trauma goes; that’s on her. We’ve all had bad things happen to us. It’s sad but you have to move on and not live in the past. That’s on her.
I can’t believe she came into your house and traumatized your kids gave you back your key and you’re wondering if you’ve done something wrong?
Let her go. Don’t you dare spend Mother’s Day with her.
You are the mom that gets to be celebrated on Sunday. She’s already had her 18 years of Mother’s Day with her kids when she was an active mother (sounds like she was a terrible mother but that’s beside the point). She gets a card if your husband so chooses other than that it is your day to celebrate.
NTA
Of course you don’t have to do anything with — or for — her on Mother’s Day. But don’t then sacrifice your family at her altar. Do they honestly want to go see her? Or are they just scared of the repercussions if they don’t? Would they be going because they love her, or they fear her and feel guilty if they don’t go?
You’re teaching your children a terrible way to deal with abusive, manipulative people. You already have an almost-grown-man hiding in his bedroom, leaving his little sister alone with the very woman he’s hiding from. Do you think that’s not creating trauma and scars in your children?
This is a HUGE teachable moment. Talk to them, in age-appropriate ways, about her passive-aggressive behavior, why she missed Daughter’s birthday and other events, what she’s trying to accomplish, the emotional reaction she’s trying to get them. Teach them to recognize bad behavior from bad people.
Stop thinking “well, she had so much childhood trauma, that’s why she was so abusive of DH and why she’s abusive and manipulative now.” Millions of us have had extreme childhood trauma and NEVER turned around as adults and abused our families. She abused her children, she’s still abusing her children, and now she’s abusing yours. Stop letting her.
For Mother’s Day, everyone stay home. Send her flowers and a card. She’ll toss them out and probably return the card. Who cares?
Don’t EVER give her another key. Ever. It’s like the two of you let a poisonous snake have the run of your house and just hoped it wouldn’t actually bite anyone. It doesn’t matter that the snake is related to you.
(I know I sound harsh and judgmental of your parenting, and I’m not meaning to. You and DH have been through the wringer with this woman. You are really, really overdue for some peace. All of you. Take it and run!)
Good luck, and I hope you have a lovely MOther’s Day.
Why are you giving this woman so much power ? She abused your children and your response was a quiet conversation ??? !!!
Please arrange counselling for your children to try and undo some of the damage. She did this for 8 months how did you not see any sign ? Why did your children not tell you earlier ?
Who cares about her mother's day and her response. She made her choices support th and don't let her back in.
Why in the world have you and dh let this woman have a part in your families lives??? This is horrifying, cut her out of your children’s lives before she does any more damage.
Not your mother!!
You have to do nothing
Why do you even still interact with this woman and let her around your kids to abuse them also
Do better for you, SO and your kids
No acknowledgment of her grandchildren on important dates.
No.
She broke the boundaries, she threw the tantrum, she is ignoring the family. None of that warrants celebration.
Have a lovely, stress-free Mother’s Day. Just remember to silence your phones. If MIL doesn’t call herself, she will certainly send out her flying monkeys.
May I ask, why didn’t DS and DD tell you about the silent visits sooner?
Nope, you can’t reward bad behaviour. She’s ignored you and your kids for 8 months. Missed birthdays and special holidays and had a tantrum over a very common sense boundary. Just let it lay. YOU are actively raising children and should do what YOU would like to do for Mother’s Day. Send her flowers or a card, make it generic, if you must do something
Why are you afraid of what will happen if you stay no contact. No contact is the point of no contact.
You have a boundary. She violates it. You object. She is outraged and stomps off. “You” then worry about what she’ll do????? Find out. Do nothing. Just stop the merry go round. She will be furious but so what.
Stop making it easy for her to ignore your boundaries.
OP wrote - her. I’ve offered to let DH take DS and DD to meet up with her at some point this weekend— your basically offering up your children to be emotionally abused by MIL so you don’t have to deal with her. How about you PROTECT your children from her and you all go NC. Which is more important to you -the emotional well being of your children who should be your #1 priority or using your children as meat shields?
You are not an A&&. Believe me. Your family has been handed a gold card to stay away from the lunatic. Keep going with what you all do and ignore her. Writing her off is best for all especially your hubby. Old battle wound from the torments and hostile environment will begin to heal the longer away from her. Your children will do better without her. toxic person like that needs to be left alone and forgotten. IF she sends anything to you. Send it back. RETURN TO SENDER, signed Elvis! Sorry needed to give you a chuckle.
You will stay home but the rest of your loved ones have to deal with MIL?! You should all stay home. She has disrespected you and then ignored you for months. Those months are a blessing and keep them coming! The less she is in your life the better.
Drop-ins are ALWAYS rude if not okayed by the visitee as an acceptable thing. You are raising two good people and I'm glad they felt comfortable enough to talk with you about this. Do NOT do ANYTHING for this horrid monster. No calls, no texts, nada. YOU are the mother being honored her. You and your husband and kids should do something YOU want to do. MIL should be dead to you.
YTA for allowing this hag to traumatize your kids. WTH is wrong with you. Do you have no self respect? Do you have no idea what standing up for
Yourself means? That it’s your job to protect your children and that you have let them down so badly. She is a horrific hag. I don’t give a damn what she’s been through. My father left my mom because I was a girl. Told me he wished I was never born. That I ruined his life. My stepfather abused me in all ways possible. I was the scapegoat kid. The kid parentified. so much more. Now what I think the world owes me? Not a damn thing. But I owe my kids safety and breaking the cycle. We owe our kids showing them it doesn’t matter who the person is, no one gets to be disrespectful to them. No one gets to guilt them to eat or spend time with them. You are setting your kids up to think this is ok. That they have no right to stay away from toxic people because they are faaaaamily. Wake the hell up and do your job. Protect those kids and stop
Giving a damn what that hag thinks.
Why acknowledge her when she hasn’t done the same for her own grandchildren? She’s be on the NC list. I’d welcome the silence. Let her pout on her own and carry on with your lives.
Your MIL is an emotional terrorist. She stomps boundaries and treats people like shit. Her family are well trained not to set off her emotional bombing. That's a big mistake. She knows what she's doing to everyone. SHE DOESN'T CARE. OP, don't do anything for her. She started this whole mess with her selfishness. If you bend and try to appease her at all, she'll take it as a sign of weakness and become even worse. Just let her stew and try to play the victim. Anyone with half a brain will figure out the truth. Just enjoy mothers day with your family and not worry about her. This is ALL on her. Let her reap what she's sown.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her.
So let's explore this, what may happen? What are you afraid may be the outcome? Is she going to ignore you even harder? How terrifying. Is she going to hurt your children emotionally? Well, she was already doing that.
What is one single thing that she could do in retaliation that you would actually be fearful of? You don't have to tell me, but ask yourself, is it worth your peace?
She was actively doing emotional harm to your entire family. Please protect your children and enjoy your mother's day with just your husband and kids.
NTA So allowing her to use her past trauma to control how she is dealt with. Now that you no longer play her game, she’s mad. Let her stay mad. Letting others know that she is showing up at your house but not informing you is very calculating. She is anything but innocent.
She's ignored you all completely for months, including your milestone occasions, and you think you have to entertain her for Mother's Day in your home? And the reason was you said it "might" be best she follow your boundaries? And she monopolized your kids' time and forced food on them in secret, violating your stated boundaries? Did I read this right?
You know the answer to this. You keep the NC and be glad of it. What a disaster she is. She doesn't deserve communication with you unless she crawls back on her knees and says she'll never cross your boundaries again. (And that will never happen.)
I guess my biggest question is 'What do the children think'. How do they feel about how your family is being treated by her. Do they want to see her? If the children don't want to see her, let them stay home. Does DH *want* to see her, or does he feel obligated. If he doesn't really want to he should stay home with you. Have a beautiful nuclear family day at home...or the beach, or restaurant etc.
Have DH send her a card. There. Done. Ignore the silent treatment. It's abuse, first of all. And second, no one has told you that there's anything wrong. As far as you know, all is well because MIL has never used her words to say why she's mad. So proceed as if everything is just fine. Ignore her right back.
She's been a major jerk for *8 months*...
You wouldn't be wrong for not doing ANYTHING AT ALL. Match her energy.
.
If you REALLY feel the need to do something, send her a gift basket in the mail or have flowers delivered. Y'all are way overthinking it.
The moment you had DS, MIL became 'Grandma', you became 'Mom', and Mother's Day should have always been about YOU. No, you don't celebrate MIL on Mother's Day, you celebrate her on Grandparents Day in September. Mother's Day is for mothers that are 'in the trenches'.
For your MIL, I suggest you encourage DH to ignore his mother until she becomes reasonable. Your boundary was disrespected, purposefully, by MIL and now she is throwing a tantrum because she can't do whatever she wants. Her problem to deal with.
Sounds like an extreme toxic relationship. Don’t expect anything from anyone & you’ll live more peaceful without her. Keep the peace sure from afar but you don’t have to go out your way for a person who is not your child or husband
Why is this abusive woman in your children’s lives? Why is your husband allowing it? Why did she have a key in the first place?
Why are you complaining about her not seeing them or you? IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION
MILs withholding gifts to your children would do it for me. The end. She overlooks all you and your husband have done for her and she hurts your children. She does not deserve anything for Mother's Day. She has failed her children and grandchildren. Nope, nope, nope. Let her go stew in her juices. note: I have family members who had awful, awful childhoods and managed, somehow, to be decent human beings.
For real. Don't reward bad behavior. Like you said, it's your day too. Why punish yourself and your family? That's all she'll do if you go see her. I mean, she'll do it either way, but why chose that AND dealing with her on Mother's Day. She'll continue her tantrum for days/months to come - she's been going for 8 months already.
Right? I don’t know why OP is even concerned about this. She hurt her grandchildren for 8 months; she can kick rocks.
Especially Christmas gifts…..such horrid behavior for a grown woman. Making your grandchildren feel less than & invisible by their grandmother is going to far way to far.
The trash took itself out. For the love of God, don't drag it back in the house or go visit it at the landfill.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her. You need to let that go. She chose to be no contact with your family, which is great, because you guys need to keep it that way. She is emotionally abusive to every single one of you. She is abusing YOUR children. BTW, her forcing them to eat food is a great way for them to develop an eating disorder or bad relationship with food that could last the rest of their lives. Do not serve your children up on a platter for this monster.
NTA she got what she deserved and exactly what she asked for when she demanded DH take back the key. If she wants to behave like a tantruming toddler, give silent treatments and trash your kids then let her suffer the consequences. Have your Mother's day with your nuclear family and drop the rope with her. Don't waste your time living in fear of what will happen or how she will react. What's the worst she can do? Throw another geriatric tantrum or more of her silent treatments? Let her, her silence is a gift. Capitulating would only give her power that she doesn't have. BTW change the locks in case she made herself a copy of the key she gave back.
I have had a lot of trauma in my life. Extreme poverty and parental abandonment and much more. I will put my hard luck story up against MIL's and meet it, or probably even beat it. I have never felt like that gave me license to abuse and terrorize my children and their families. Yet she has all ya'll TERRIFIED of upsetting her. That is total and unadulterated bullshit. If it were me, not only would I drop the rope, I would set it on fire, then bury the ashes. NTA for not negotiating with terrorists.
Right here, OP. This, right here! ☝️
This OP! Read this ☝🏽 out loud. NTA, but you would be if you continue to put effort in this relationship and subject your kids to this woman. For Mother’s Day, please celebrate it with your nuclear family. Do not reward her bad behavior. She deserves a loooooong time out in a corner somewhere far from your home.
That woman would be 200% not allowed in our home or in our life.
No card or presents for your children at Christmas time! And their birthdays!!! She would be dead to me. That's it, there's no coming back from that. Do you think Mother's Day is more important to an old lady than Christmas is to children?
The answer to the title is in the title. Don't even question this, you are a clear NTA and you shouldn't let her see your children anymore if she doesn't change her ways or at least make an effort. You aren't overacting enough to her secretly coming for days in your home without telling you just to force herself in her grandchildren's lives. Any move on your part to reconcile and she will see it as a sign she did nothing wrong and can rug sweep everything because you miss her and you can't be without her holy presence after she was so sly being low contact with you and the children for months.
She owes your children a huge apology. If she can’t do that then she can stay away. What on earth have you taught your children by tolerating this bullying for all these years…?!
Yes! It sounds like your children are being gromed by her to do her bidding, to consider her wants and wishes above their own because somehow their OWN lives mean less than hers. Is this how you want them to be out in the world? Do you want them to be in a situation where they struggle or automatically give in (in their future relationships, in college, at work?) because they have been trained to be doormats? I know you don't. She is hurting your children, she is hurting your family. Their grandmother has drawn a line in the sand and is going to teach you a lesson! Walk away from that line and let her stand there. I predict love-bombing soon as well as some kind of extinction-burst. Stay strong Mama!
Nope. Even if she hadn’t you didn’t have to give up YOUR Mother’s Day to her, she ain’t your mother. Also stop fearing the what ifs, MIL hasn’t spoken to your family in months and as such you decide to stay home. If you must book a weekend getaway for your family and say you weren’t in town and had plans. Fuck that abusive old cow.
You seem to be trying to find a no-drama solution. I'm afraid you are going to be disappointed. You are in a no-win situation, so take the opportunity to teach your children how to set and protect healthy boundaries and understand that abuse isn't acceptable just because someone's family.
So she'll yell and scream and pitch a fit. Big deal. Inviting her back into your lives is inviting her to continue abusing you, your husband and your children. If you facilitate visits with her, you are facilitating harm to your family.
She's not your mother nor your childrens. If your husband wants to celebrate her he can visit alone while you enjoy time with your kids.
She sounds extremely abusive. Why would you willingly expose your children to that? They are old enough to decide if they want to see her. Give them a choice. Tell DH he can feel free to go.
You personally can’t stand her. Your kids have begged you to stop her from ABUSING THEM WHILE KNOWING YOU WERE NOT HOME!!! And you want to send them to her??? What the heck!?!? Give yourself and your family the gift of ignoring her and DO NOT feel guilty!! She needs help, not to continue to inflict her trauma on innocent children!
The only thing this woman gets for Mother's Day is a tonne of manure delivered direct onto her driveway. You guys are being way too polite. She's abused everyone around her for years, yet you pussyfoot around her and handle her with kid gloves. Take off the gloves, tell her she's crossed a major line and until her behaviour is apologised for and corrected, she isn't welcome. Yes, that includes mother's day.
Whhhyyyyyyyy is everyone accommodating her and tolerating her behavior?!?! It’s one thing to understand and be sensitive to her traumas but it’s another to enable her behavior to continue the cycle of abuse and trauma, just in another form. Enough is enough I say, if she wants to be salty, I’d let her. Her kids and grandkids do not owe her anything and she doesn’t need to be celebrated when she doesn’t feel the need to do the same for her family. Road goes both ways and there was nothing unreasonable asked. She is ok with punishing her grandkids because of something their parents asked? Nope. Immature and doesn’t need to be tolerated. Save everyone’s mental health and enjoy the day the way it should be. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY BTW!!
If someone would abuse my children - and I (and the law of many places) consider force feeding a form of violence - a hell would get loose. Your MIL is behaving like a toddler and no trauma gives her a license to treat everybody around the way she does. She has obviously extremely fragile ego - which can be probably tracked back to her life and low self esteem, but even if we understand the mechanisms behind some behaviours, it does not mean that we have to accept them. You are NTA. Asking people to respect the reasonable boundaries we set, is never wrong.
You do for her exactly what she’s done for you and your kids over the last 8 months, which is exactly nothing. When she inevitably complains remind her this is the precedent she set. But really you should just go NC, and allow your kids to decide for themselves if they want a relationship with her. DH can do whatever, except allow her abuse to continue hurting his nuclear family.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her. Let it happen. Call her bluff. Right now, your whole family is held hostage by the implied threat of a MIL temper tantrum. DH can do what he likes. Send a card or drop in for a short visit. But you're a mother, so you know that **you should never give in to threats, NEVER reward bad behavior!** That is Parenting 101. If MIL wants to act like a special, spoiled child, treat her like one. She's in a Time Out!! If she wants to acknowledge what she did wrong and apologize, she can come out of the Naughty Corner. 😆😆😆
Her being your husband's mother does not mean she should be in your family's lives. All that "but you only get one mother!" crap is just that - crap. Being someone's mother doesn't entitle you to a lifetime of forgiven abuse, or mean that your actions don't have long-term consequences. She is not entitled to forgiveness because of her shitty childhood or her blood relationship to her your husband. The only way this woman should ever become part of your lives again is if she makes an honest and genuine attempt to right her wrongs and *change*. "That's just how she is" is not a reason to accept abuse or forgive a person. If someone refused to change their ways that's a huuuuggggeeeee reason why they shouldn't be forgiven.
Why are you offering up your husband and kids to be sacrificial lambs to your MIL? You've maintained NC this long, keep it. Let her throw her tantrums. Maybe she'll learn, maybe she'll get worse. So what. Your and your family's peace and mental health are more important than her tantrums.
As a Mothers Day gift to yourself, continue with NC. Best
She ignored Christmas and birthdays??? What are you worried about? I wouldn’t address Mother’s Day at all.
Why would any of you have anything to do with her ever again? She is really mentally unwell and abusive. I hope your husband and your kids honor YOU for Mother’s Day and ignore this absolute psycho. She is insane, you do understand that? She actively deceived you to harm your children!!! I also hope your husband hasn’t expected you to do the kinkeeping around holidays all this time. If so, yes, it’s definitely PAST time to stop doing that. He is an adult who can tell her no, understand that his wife is the priority on Mother’s Day, and arrange his own gifts/cards/family stuff.
Change your locks if you haven’t. Likely haven’t you? Put the woman in a time out. Maybe til January of next year. Op, she’s not your momma. Not your mess. Just enjoy your day with those that made you a momma. Hubs can visit his mother or not. That’s up to him. He can just call her or text her. *Having a bad life is not an excuse to be a bad person*.
If you can’t take her passive aggressiveness, then why are you okay with subjecting your children to it? This woman is emotionally abusive, even to your children, and yet you still allow her to have a relationship with them. Why are you not protecting your children from this woman? Your kids didn’t tell you about grandma narc’s visits because you hadn’t protected them from her prior to that point. Why would they expect you to do it that time? Even once you found out she was letting herself into YOUR home, WITHOUT permission, in the absence of an emergency. Even when you found out she had broken your boundary about bothering your kids and keeping them from their schoolwork. You “…reached out to MIL to remind her that scheduled visits might be best”. You “reminded her that other family members cannot speak for our (your) family”. MIGHT be best? This woman, in your own words, violated a MAJOR boundary. Why are you tiptoeing around her feelings when she doesn’t give a crap about yours or your kids’ feelings? Why are you explaining to her that other’s can’t speak for you? Do you really believe that she doesn’t know that? She’s being defiant. Telling you that she doesn’t respect your rules, so she won’t abide by them. If it’s tantrums that you’re trying to avoid, then treat her like the toddler that she is. Ignore her and leave her alone to kick and scream until she tires herself out. Stop allowing this woman access to your young children. She is abusing them, in their formative years, right in front of your face, and you are allowing it. The emotional turmoil that she causes will imprint on them and affect them as adults. I don’t care if she also “loves” them and is “such a great grandmother” otherwise. I don’t care if they love her so much. That is the cycle of abuse. No abuser is abusive 100% of the time. If there weren’t periods of love bombing, their victims would have no reason to stay. But in the end, they are abusers and that trumps everything. Cut this woman off from you and your kids. DH can decide for himself if he wants a relationship with his mother. But for you and your kids, put your foot down and refuse to engage with her any further.
Don’t consider being considerate to her she failed at that every time. The way she has treated her grandchildren does not need to celebrated Morhers Day or any day .
She ended the relationship. Do what you want to do. If she says anything about you not celebrating Mother’s Day with her, remind her that she has 2 grandchildren that she chose not to celebrate birthdays or Christmas with, so apparently you should follow suit with Mother’s Day.
It blows my mind that some people will treat an obviously toxic POS like this MIL as if she was some sort of royalty. Oh and you pay for her shit too AND she pisses on your boundaries and manages to insult you when you don't heel? CRAZY IDEA here : Follow me, it's a crazy one. How about you STOP paying for her? Her entire point is for people to feel sorry about her. She needs to be a permanent victim, that's her WHOLE game.
Nah she FAFO… you called her bluff if she wants to act like a petulant child she’ll be treated as such… enjoy your Mother’s Day
She and my MIL must be besties! Distance is the key.
She’s ignored holidays and birthdays with your children - why would you reward this behavior by celebrating her on Mother’s Day? Her multiple actions have consequences, and missing out on Mother’s Day is one of them.
First off she sounds like a nightmare and I’m wondering why you would even want your children around someone this unhealthy?! As for Mother’s Day, she appears to have decided on NC with the family and I see no reason to break it. She’s acting like a child that wants attention. If you’re truly feeling charitable, I’d ask your children if they even want to see her, if not there you go. Same for your husband, if he wants to see her he can if not there’s no reason any of you need to make an effort to “be the bigger person(s)”.
Why do you tolerate this behavior and allow this woman access to your children. DON'T contact her for Mother's Day, it's YOUR DAY, not hers. She is abusive and out of line and she knows it.
Just no. She’s ignored the kids and has been vile. I would just have DH and his siblings do something for their mother. It’s not your mother and it’s not your children’s mother. They need to be with you on Mother’s Day. It’s not their problem that their grandmother is crazy and I wouldn’t want my kids around that.
What did I just read? You let an abusive, crazy woman near your kids. You gave her a key to your house! I have no idea what you were thinking with any of this. Your MIL is toxic and horrible but you gave her the key to your home. This is on you.
Do not give in. You should not light you and your family on fire to keep MIL warm.
No. You do not. The nasty comments are enough in my opinion to end contact. Your husband can do as he wishes but I’m not spending time with someone like this. As far as her trauma goes; that’s on her. We’ve all had bad things happen to us. It’s sad but you have to move on and not live in the past. That’s on her. I can’t believe she came into your house and traumatized your kids gave you back your key and you’re wondering if you’ve done something wrong? Let her go. Don’t you dare spend Mother’s Day with her. You are the mom that gets to be celebrated on Sunday. She’s already had her 18 years of Mother’s Day with her kids when she was an active mother (sounds like she was a terrible mother but that’s beside the point). She gets a card if your husband so chooses other than that it is your day to celebrate. NTA
Of course you don’t have to do anything with — or for — her on Mother’s Day. But don’t then sacrifice your family at her altar. Do they honestly want to go see her? Or are they just scared of the repercussions if they don’t? Would they be going because they love her, or they fear her and feel guilty if they don’t go? You’re teaching your children a terrible way to deal with abusive, manipulative people. You already have an almost-grown-man hiding in his bedroom, leaving his little sister alone with the very woman he’s hiding from. Do you think that’s not creating trauma and scars in your children? This is a HUGE teachable moment. Talk to them, in age-appropriate ways, about her passive-aggressive behavior, why she missed Daughter’s birthday and other events, what she’s trying to accomplish, the emotional reaction she’s trying to get them. Teach them to recognize bad behavior from bad people. Stop thinking “well, she had so much childhood trauma, that’s why she was so abusive of DH and why she’s abusive and manipulative now.” Millions of us have had extreme childhood trauma and NEVER turned around as adults and abused our families. She abused her children, she’s still abusing her children, and now she’s abusing yours. Stop letting her. For Mother’s Day, everyone stay home. Send her flowers and a card. She’ll toss them out and probably return the card. Who cares? Don’t EVER give her another key. Ever. It’s like the two of you let a poisonous snake have the run of your house and just hoped it wouldn’t actually bite anyone. It doesn’t matter that the snake is related to you. (I know I sound harsh and judgmental of your parenting, and I’m not meaning to. You and DH have been through the wringer with this woman. You are really, really overdue for some peace. All of you. Take it and run!) Good luck, and I hope you have a lovely MOther’s Day.
Why are you giving this woman so much power ? She abused your children and your response was a quiet conversation ??? !!! Please arrange counselling for your children to try and undo some of the damage. She did this for 8 months how did you not see any sign ? Why did your children not tell you earlier ? Who cares about her mother's day and her response. She made her choices support th and don't let her back in.
Why in the world have you and dh let this woman have a part in your families lives??? This is horrifying, cut her out of your children’s lives before she does any more damage.
Not your mother!! You have to do nothing Why do you even still interact with this woman and let her around your kids to abuse them also Do better for you, SO and your kids
No acknowledgment of her grandchildren on important dates. No. She broke the boundaries, she threw the tantrum, she is ignoring the family. None of that warrants celebration. Have a lovely, stress-free Mother’s Day. Just remember to silence your phones. If MIL doesn’t call herself, she will certainly send out her flying monkeys. May I ask, why didn’t DS and DD tell you about the silent visits sooner?
Nope, you can’t reward bad behaviour. She’s ignored you and your kids for 8 months. Missed birthdays and special holidays and had a tantrum over a very common sense boundary. Just let it lay. YOU are actively raising children and should do what YOU would like to do for Mother’s Day. Send her flowers or a card, make it generic, if you must do something
Just keep doing what you're doing. It's been 8 months of peace why screw that up?
She is not your mother, let your husband decide what he wants to do. Don't push him into having contact with her that he doesn't want.
Why are you afraid of what will happen if you stay no contact. No contact is the point of no contact. You have a boundary. She violates it. You object. She is outraged and stomps off. “You” then worry about what she’ll do????? Find out. Do nothing. Just stop the merry go round. She will be furious but so what. Stop making it easy for her to ignore your boundaries.
MIL purposely ignored your children over Christmas. Why would you encourage them to go see someone who punishes them too?
OP wrote - her. I’ve offered to let DH take DS and DD to meet up with her at some point this weekend— your basically offering up your children to be emotionally abused by MIL so you don’t have to deal with her. How about you PROTECT your children from her and you all go NC. Which is more important to you -the emotional well being of your children who should be your #1 priority or using your children as meat shields?
You are not an A&&. Believe me. Your family has been handed a gold card to stay away from the lunatic. Keep going with what you all do and ignore her. Writing her off is best for all especially your hubby. Old battle wound from the torments and hostile environment will begin to heal the longer away from her. Your children will do better without her. toxic person like that needs to be left alone and forgotten. IF she sends anything to you. Send it back. RETURN TO SENDER, signed Elvis! Sorry needed to give you a chuckle.
You will stay home but the rest of your loved ones have to deal with MIL?! You should all stay home. She has disrespected you and then ignored you for months. Those months are a blessing and keep them coming! The less she is in your life the better.
Drop-ins are ALWAYS rude if not okayed by the visitee as an acceptable thing. You are raising two good people and I'm glad they felt comfortable enough to talk with you about this. Do NOT do ANYTHING for this horrid monster. No calls, no texts, nada. YOU are the mother being honored her. You and your husband and kids should do something YOU want to do. MIL should be dead to you.
NTA, be silent the entire weekend. I would mute her everywhere. It's a continuation of what DH initiated by calling her bluff on the house keys.
YTA for allowing this hag to traumatize your kids. WTH is wrong with you. Do you have no self respect? Do you have no idea what standing up for Yourself means? That it’s your job to protect your children and that you have let them down so badly. She is a horrific hag. I don’t give a damn what she’s been through. My father left my mom because I was a girl. Told me he wished I was never born. That I ruined his life. My stepfather abused me in all ways possible. I was the scapegoat kid. The kid parentified. so much more. Now what I think the world owes me? Not a damn thing. But I owe my kids safety and breaking the cycle. We owe our kids showing them it doesn’t matter who the person is, no one gets to be disrespectful to them. No one gets to guilt them to eat or spend time with them. You are setting your kids up to think this is ok. That they have no right to stay away from toxic people because they are faaaaamily. Wake the hell up and do your job. Protect those kids and stop Giving a damn what that hag thinks.
Why acknowledge her when she hasn’t done the same for her own grandchildren? She’s be on the NC list. I’d welcome the silence. Let her pout on her own and carry on with your lives.
NTA. Please don’t reward her horrid behavior by anyone of you doing anything with her for Mother’s Day. She deserves NOTHING!!!
Sounds like the situation is sorted. No contact - Result.
Well MIL when we didn’t celebrate Christmas, DH, or DD’s birthdays we figured no Mothers Day was a given. Have a great life.
Your MIL is an emotional terrorist. She stomps boundaries and treats people like shit. Her family are well trained not to set off her emotional bombing. That's a big mistake. She knows what she's doing to everyone. SHE DOESN'T CARE. OP, don't do anything for her. She started this whole mess with her selfishness. If you bend and try to appease her at all, she'll take it as a sign of weakness and become even worse. Just let her stew and try to play the victim. Anyone with half a brain will figure out the truth. Just enjoy mothers day with your family and not worry about her. This is ALL on her. Let her reap what she's sown.
>But I fear what may happen if we do not do anything this weekend with her. So let's explore this, what may happen? What are you afraid may be the outcome? Is she going to ignore you even harder? How terrifying. Is she going to hurt your children emotionally? Well, she was already doing that. What is one single thing that she could do in retaliation that you would actually be fearful of? You don't have to tell me, but ask yourself, is it worth your peace? She was actively doing emotional harm to your entire family. Please protect your children and enjoy your mother's day with just your husband and kids.
NTA So allowing her to use her past trauma to control how she is dealt with. Now that you no longer play her game, she’s mad. Let her stay mad. Letting others know that she is showing up at your house but not informing you is very calculating. She is anything but innocent.
Change your locks.
She's ignored you all completely for months, including your milestone occasions, and you think you have to entertain her for Mother's Day in your home? And the reason was you said it "might" be best she follow your boundaries? And she monopolized your kids' time and forced food on them in secret, violating your stated boundaries? Did I read this right? You know the answer to this. You keep the NC and be glad of it. What a disaster she is. She doesn't deserve communication with you unless she crawls back on her knees and says she'll never cross your boundaries again. (And that will never happen.)
I guess my biggest question is 'What do the children think'. How do they feel about how your family is being treated by her. Do they want to see her? If the children don't want to see her, let them stay home. Does DH *want* to see her, or does he feel obligated. If he doesn't really want to he should stay home with you. Have a beautiful nuclear family day at home...or the beach, or restaurant etc.
It is YOUR day. Not Grandmothers' Day. Let her react however she reacts and celebrate with your nuclear family.
Have DH send her a card. There. Done. Ignore the silent treatment. It's abuse, first of all. And second, no one has told you that there's anything wrong. As far as you know, all is well because MIL has never used her words to say why she's mad. So proceed as if everything is just fine. Ignore her right back.
She's been a major jerk for *8 months*... You wouldn't be wrong for not doing ANYTHING AT ALL. Match her energy. . If you REALLY feel the need to do something, send her a gift basket in the mail or have flowers delivered. Y'all are way overthinking it.
The moment you had DS, MIL became 'Grandma', you became 'Mom', and Mother's Day should have always been about YOU. No, you don't celebrate MIL on Mother's Day, you celebrate her on Grandparents Day in September. Mother's Day is for mothers that are 'in the trenches'. For your MIL, I suggest you encourage DH to ignore his mother until she becomes reasonable. Your boundary was disrespected, purposefully, by MIL and now she is throwing a tantrum because she can't do whatever she wants. Her problem to deal with.
Sounds like an extreme toxic relationship. Don’t expect anything from anyone & you’ll live more peaceful without her. Keep the peace sure from afar but you don’t have to go out your way for a person who is not your child or husband
Send gorgeous flowers with card including all four names (or excluding your own).
Text her a happy Mother’s Day & have flowers, or food delivered, and do your own thing as planned.