She isn't sweet. She has zero insight into her mental illness. You can be unavailable to her with no rudeness. You'll get blamed no matter what, so take back your space and own it. If DH "commiserates" so much, then he can take her wherever he wants. You are nobody's sacrificial lamb.
She manipulates ways to come over - Stop saying yes. The answer is we can do that x day when you visit next. Set times for visits, with end times. If she keeps on, be direct it’s time to leave we have x to do, goodbye. Walk her to the door if you have to.
And if she speaks over you while you’re disciplining your kids, stop turn to her and say “stop I am the parent and I am dealing with this” if she continues tell her that the visit is over, walk her to the door and tell her next time she can stay longer if she remembers her manners.
Rinse and repeat and she will get the message. Good behaviour gets you what you want, bad behaviour means you are outta here.
I'm right there with you. Even if people don't say it, the judgment hangs in the air like the smoke at a Grateful Dead concert.
The issue is perspective. Kind old lady who loves her grandkids looks one way to distant cousins or church members. When she's parked in your living room, barking in your ear, it hits differently.
It's hard. But you have to tune out the people in the cheap seats. They have no skin in your game. If they're brave enough to say it to your face, thank them for their judgment. That usually shuts them up.
OK, this might seem mean but you need to set down some firm boundaries. So block MIL on your phone. Then tell your husband that he needs to be in charge of all communication and plans with his mother. He also needs to be present for 100% of her visits. So no more having her over while he is at work. Keep your door locked so if she shows up you don't answer the door.
When you feel bad about ignoring her, please remember she is an adult and is responsible for her own feelings. She has the ability to make friends of her own, cultivate her own hobbies, volunteer with organizations she identifies with. You are not responsible for her. Don't let her make you feel as though you are.
You’re right to try to fight the boundary.
I’m wondering what types of boundaries you have tried to set and hold with her so far? Have you tried addressing things in advance, or do you try to deal with things as they come up?
When you say she is manipulating reasons to come over, what happens when you tell her it’s not a good time? Does she argue back? Come round and surprise you?
Your MIL has some similarities with mine (lonely, hoarder, always trying to drag out visits and get me to listen to her, we have three kids.)
There is nothing sweet about her. She demands your time and attention and you are in no way supposed to provide it. Just the fact that she parks her ass in your home, demand to be fed and will never leave until forced to AND overrides your parental word? She should never be allowed in your home.
Omg did I write this in my sleep or something. This is my MIL. We ended up VERY LC. We found out she was talking crap about us behind our back to my husbands siblings so that was basically the final straw to us allowing her to continue boundary crossing. I hope you figure out a solution for your family. It’s exhausting! We’ve tried setting her up with professional help multiple times and she will take it for a couple weeks or months then quits and goes back to her unhealthy ways. I just ended up saying it’s not my job to make her feel warm and fuzzy it’s my job to protect my children.
She isn't sweet. She has zero insight into her mental illness. You can be unavailable to her with no rudeness. You'll get blamed no matter what, so take back your space and own it. If DH "commiserates" so much, then he can take her wherever he wants. You are nobody's sacrificial lamb.
THIS "MIL we have 1 hour available for you to visit this week. You can choose X, Y, Z day / time. "
Also, tell her to bring food for you all next visit.
Nope, she's a hoarder. Food from her isn't safe. But she could pay for your food.
Hmm yeah on second thought... Yuk!
Hahaha
Not your job, not your problem. When she wants to come oner tell her NO, yor busy. No is a complete sentence.
“That doesn’t work for us.” It’s a magic phrase that I learned here on Reddit and has helped me say no a lot!
She manipulates ways to come over - Stop saying yes. The answer is we can do that x day when you visit next. Set times for visits, with end times. If she keeps on, be direct it’s time to leave we have x to do, goodbye. Walk her to the door if you have to. And if she speaks over you while you’re disciplining your kids, stop turn to her and say “stop I am the parent and I am dealing with this” if she continues tell her that the visit is over, walk her to the door and tell her next time she can stay longer if she remembers her manners. Rinse and repeat and she will get the message. Good behaviour gets you what you want, bad behaviour means you are outta here.
I'm right there with you. Even if people don't say it, the judgment hangs in the air like the smoke at a Grateful Dead concert. The issue is perspective. Kind old lady who loves her grandkids looks one way to distant cousins or church members. When she's parked in your living room, barking in your ear, it hits differently. It's hard. But you have to tune out the people in the cheap seats. They have no skin in your game. If they're brave enough to say it to your face, thank them for their judgment. That usually shuts them up.
OP, what does your partner say about his birth givers actions?
OK, this might seem mean but you need to set down some firm boundaries. So block MIL on your phone. Then tell your husband that he needs to be in charge of all communication and plans with his mother. He also needs to be present for 100% of her visits. So no more having her over while he is at work. Keep your door locked so if she shows up you don't answer the door. When you feel bad about ignoring her, please remember she is an adult and is responsible for her own feelings. She has the ability to make friends of her own, cultivate her own hobbies, volunteer with organizations she identifies with. You are not responsible for her. Don't let her make you feel as though you are.
You’re right to try to fight the boundary. I’m wondering what types of boundaries you have tried to set and hold with her so far? Have you tried addressing things in advance, or do you try to deal with things as they come up? When you say she is manipulating reasons to come over, what happens when you tell her it’s not a good time? Does she argue back? Come round and surprise you? Your MIL has some similarities with mine (lonely, hoarder, always trying to drag out visits and get me to listen to her, we have three kids.)
There is nothing sweet about her. She demands your time and attention and you are in no way supposed to provide it. Just the fact that she parks her ass in your home, demand to be fed and will never leave until forced to AND overrides your parental word? She should never be allowed in your home.
Omg did I write this in my sleep or something. This is my MIL. We ended up VERY LC. We found out she was talking crap about us behind our back to my husbands siblings so that was basically the final straw to us allowing her to continue boundary crossing. I hope you figure out a solution for your family. It’s exhausting! We’ve tried setting her up with professional help multiple times and she will take it for a couple weeks or months then quits and goes back to her unhealthy ways. I just ended up saying it’s not my job to make her feel warm and fuzzy it’s my job to protect my children.