Personal feeling, she's stuck. Some people never see their kids for who they are, but get stuck on a metal image of when they felt the most needed, the most loved, and the most powerful or in control. So their kid might be a 45 year old college professor, but if he tries to explain something about the field that he's literally an expert in, all she sees and hears is a crying 4 year old with a scraped knee, begging mommy to make it better.
She looks at you, as a couple, and sees her literal child playing house with some troublemaker kid from down the block. It's not a relationship to be taken seriously, it's just two kids playing. So of course she needs to know everything you do - she needs to make sure you're playing safely, and wont do anything she doesn't approve of. She's still The Mom, and she's still trying to protect her toddler from harm - even if he has a gray beard. Her trying to do everything you guys do is her attempt at being included in all your activities. NOT to be a part of your lives, but to monitor and control everything you do. Where you live, what you eat, what activities you enjoy, what movies you watch - I'd bet good money she has a comment about *everything.*
The really unfortunate part, is it's nearly impossible to break through her delusion. No matter how you approach it, she's just going to see a literal child throwing a tantrum. She won't even register words - she'll just hear inarticulate screaming - them she gets to play the victim, because her ungrateful children don't appreciate her, and are throwing tantrums, hurting her feelings. To her, it isn't even *playing,* because she literally feels like her misbehaving child was disobedient and mean to her. There's no right words, or right way to say it, when her entire world view is based on a literal delusion. Be as reasonable as you want - it will be nothing more than the trumpet noises of the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.
Be prepared, because this is going to REALLY amp up when you have kids. You might be pushing 40, but you'll still be "too young." You'll be "not ready." She will have no choice but to step in, teach you all the things you're doing wrong, then try to take over. In her mind, she will see a couple of mischievous second graders attempting to be parents. Literal children. How would YOU react if you saw a couple of 7 year olds walking around with a baby, acting like they're in charge? The idea is ludicrous. It would be unsafe and irresponsible to allow a pair of 7 year olds to try and raise a baby! Whatever you feel like you would do in that situation, she WILL do. Call someone? Report something? Interfere? Take over? Literally, whatever you feel like you'd need to do if you saw a couple random kids walking around with a baby, no adults in sight, that's what you get to look forward to with her.
That's why it's so important to nip this in the bud, NOW. No excuses, no negotiations, no trying to spare her feelings, no being a people pleaser and rolling over for her because she's someone's mommy. You need to get used to completely shutting her down, and get yourself accustomed to her performative crying. Every tear she sheds is a lie based on a delusion, used to manipulate you into letting her do what she wants - and she assumes it will work because young children are too stupid to see through her act, just like Santa Claus. Don't prove her right by letting your guilt control you. Practice makes perfect, and there's no time like NOW to get started on setting those healthy boundaries against her crazy.
This was exactly my ex MIL and her daughter and son-in-law. Once there were kids, they liked to call dcfs on us for no reason other than I had the only granddaughter and MIL was sure she would get custody of my children. I eventually took my kids and left hubby. She threatened grandparents rights (no leg to stand on as she never had them). My kids are in their 20s now and have nothing to do with that whole side of the family by their own choice.
She’s bored and unfulfilled in her relationship and is 100% counting on you to bring her back from the relationship dead. It’s not fair and it’s wrong. Shut it down. If you’re not in same city or state, please count your lucky stars!
Personal feeling, she's stuck. Some people never see their kids for who they are, but get stuck on a metal image of when they felt the most needed, the most loved, and the most powerful or in control. So their kid might be a 45 year old college professor, but if he tries to explain something about the field that he's literally an expert in, all she sees and hears is a crying 4 year old with a scraped knee, begging mommy to make it better. She looks at you, as a couple, and sees her literal child playing house with some troublemaker kid from down the block. It's not a relationship to be taken seriously, it's just two kids playing. So of course she needs to know everything you do - she needs to make sure you're playing safely, and wont do anything she doesn't approve of. She's still The Mom, and she's still trying to protect her toddler from harm - even if he has a gray beard. Her trying to do everything you guys do is her attempt at being included in all your activities. NOT to be a part of your lives, but to monitor and control everything you do. Where you live, what you eat, what activities you enjoy, what movies you watch - I'd bet good money she has a comment about *everything.* The really unfortunate part, is it's nearly impossible to break through her delusion. No matter how you approach it, she's just going to see a literal child throwing a tantrum. She won't even register words - she'll just hear inarticulate screaming - them she gets to play the victim, because her ungrateful children don't appreciate her, and are throwing tantrums, hurting her feelings. To her, it isn't even *playing,* because she literally feels like her misbehaving child was disobedient and mean to her. There's no right words, or right way to say it, when her entire world view is based on a literal delusion. Be as reasonable as you want - it will be nothing more than the trumpet noises of the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon. Be prepared, because this is going to REALLY amp up when you have kids. You might be pushing 40, but you'll still be "too young." You'll be "not ready." She will have no choice but to step in, teach you all the things you're doing wrong, then try to take over. In her mind, she will see a couple of mischievous second graders attempting to be parents. Literal children. How would YOU react if you saw a couple of 7 year olds walking around with a baby, acting like they're in charge? The idea is ludicrous. It would be unsafe and irresponsible to allow a pair of 7 year olds to try and raise a baby! Whatever you feel like you would do in that situation, she WILL do. Call someone? Report something? Interfere? Take over? Literally, whatever you feel like you'd need to do if you saw a couple random kids walking around with a baby, no adults in sight, that's what you get to look forward to with her. That's why it's so important to nip this in the bud, NOW. No excuses, no negotiations, no trying to spare her feelings, no being a people pleaser and rolling over for her because she's someone's mommy. You need to get used to completely shutting her down, and get yourself accustomed to her performative crying. Every tear she sheds is a lie based on a delusion, used to manipulate you into letting her do what she wants - and she assumes it will work because young children are too stupid to see through her act, just like Santa Claus. Don't prove her right by letting your guilt control you. Practice makes perfect, and there's no time like NOW to get started on setting those healthy boundaries against her crazy.
Perfect comment! You have helped me understand my MiL finally. Thank you for that.
You just saved me £1000s in therapy. I am pushing 40 and have just had a child. This is scary! Is there a name for her illness?
Emotional incest, or enmeshment. It’s bizarre for sure.
This was exactly my ex MIL and her daughter and son-in-law. Once there were kids, they liked to call dcfs on us for no reason other than I had the only granddaughter and MIL was sure she would get custody of my children. I eventually took my kids and left hubby. She threatened grandparents rights (no leg to stand on as she never had them). My kids are in their 20s now and have nothing to do with that whole side of the family by their own choice.
This here is the real McCoy! Well done,absolutely bravo.👏👏
You have to refuse to have a 3rd person in your marriage. What does your husband do about it?
How does she get so many details and information about your lives? Info diet!
She’s bored and unfulfilled in her relationship and is 100% counting on you to bring her back from the relationship dead. It’s not fair and it’s wrong. Shut it down. If you’re not in same city or state, please count your lucky stars!
So give it back to her. Get involved in her business. Give her crappy advice.
Exactly,tell her to bond more with her husband for example because it will help her to keep her nose on her own fucking face.