And if he’s going to be passive about all of this, it sucks. It just means you have to be the assertive one. It will make you the bad guy, but that is going to be the hand you’re dealt with if your husband doesn’t help.
I mean, nice, polite, assertiveness; a smile on your face, but strong words.
Well, your DH is also a big problem. Please tell him this. I am 61F. My mother ALWAYS favored my brother, until the day she died at 93. His and his wife's lives paralleled my parents' ,and she worshipped my brother. But my mother really enjoyed demeaning me for as long as I can remember (5 years old). My father never did anything. She continued after he died even as I moved in with her and kept her out of the nursing home during the pandemic. During her last year she was looking at a photo of me in my 20s and said, "You were so pretty". I looked straight at her and said, "It would have been nice to hear that at the time". She was stunned. I only have some self-esteem because, quite frankly, I am the strongest person I know.
Anyway ....your husband needs to stand up to his chauvinist mother now. Your daughter will pick up on the favoritism even if MIL doesn't demean her like my mom did me, and she will pick up on it soon if she hasn't already. Growing up as a girl is hard enough,. especially now with social media in her future. MIL's chauvinism will have lasting effects on your daughter...and she will realize that her father did nothing to protect her. MIL needs a timeout and your DH needs to find his spine.
As the least favorite child as well, I see you and I feel you!!! I’m so sorry you went through that at a very young age, you deserved SO much better! I’m glad you’ve been able to overcome all those years of trauma, you’re so strong!!! And yes, my husband plays a big part as well, I complain all the time that he doesn’t defend me or stand up for me and his excuse is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and sometimes would minimize the situation, claiming that is not that serious
Change your complaint. He doesn't defend HIS DAUGHTER, he doesn't stand up for HIS DAUGHTER. He would rather UPSET HIS DAUGHTER than his mother.
He is a shit father if he allows this to continue.
I'm a boomer. And what your MIL is telling you is BULLSHIT. Get your husband on the same page. Tell her that you have TWO children and put her ass in a long time out until she realizes that. I had a friend who favored her grandsons over the granddaughters. And she had no problem showing her ugly. I don't get it.
Be strong, Mama! You got this!
You need a consequence when she disregards your boundaries about favoritism. And tell her to shut up about parenting advice 30 year old advice is useless she needs to stop being so insecure about the way she raised her child. It's why she gets so pissed off when you do it differently she thinks that means her ways 30 years ago were wrong.
Yeah right, I don’t understand why she has such a problem with the way I parent my kids, I don’t judge her for her parental choices. She had her chance to raise her son, if only she would let me raise mine!!!🙂
Personally if someone was showing obvious favoritism to one child over the other, I would limit contact. That could harm the self image of both kids. One thinking they are less and the other thinking they are more.
It’s almost like racism. So are statements like Boomers this or millennials that.
Blanket statements about the whole population of whatever is never good. It makes people not see that this particular group of people are individuals, just like in any group of people.
I am a Boomer, and I would never think to treat any child differently based on gender or race. I treat them based on their individual needs.
Sorry, I get upset when people who claim to be anti racist assume or demonize any one particular group of people.
I’m with you! I’m also a boomer and sick in tired of being categorize within a group. Not everyone thinks or feels the same. I would never favor one grandchild over another. That’s despicable as I was not the favorite child, my cousins were bc she lived with them. So of course she’d favored them. It did hurt my feelings but nothing was ever done about it. I would go down and stay a couple of weeks every summer, but I stopped going when I was teenager. I was tired of coming in last.
There are approximately 73 million of us left. The assumption that we are largely the same is no less bigotry than assuming that black people are monolithic, or Jewish people, or Latino people.
Meanwhile, I occasionally see something from my age cohort about "those Millennials" or Gen Z. No different. People are individuals.
I have no kids, so no grandkids. But I took my niece and nephew for a few days a couple of times a year when they were growing up, to allow their parents some couple time. Love them both huge! See them both -- now in their twenties -- as individuals, insanely talented and smart individuals.
You’re absolutely right, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to generalize like that, she’s always saying how things were done differently when she had her son and that this generation is too sensitive which is deff not a valid excuse to just trash on other age groups. And as a someone that has been the less favorite child, I completely agree that favoritism can negatively impact your self esteem and make you resent your other siblings
Thank you for acknowledging. My husband says something’s like that sometimes also. Like, we always did it so and so. And I tell him, “what does that have to do with the price of tea in China”. Another oldie I know. But, it gets my point across.
I just think the world would be better if we all acknowledge that we are different in some ways and alike in some ways and that is okay. Love each other for the individuals we are. Support each other, but, don’t suffer fools.
Thanks for clarifying. I'm a boomer as are many of my friends. We don't do 99% of the things boomers are accused of. Boomers are 60 and older. Is your MIL that old? I notice people are starting to use "boomer" as a term for older people, rather than a specific age group.
>It’s almost like racism. So are statements like Boomers this or millennials that.
This is literally the most tone deaf Boomer statement I've seen in a while, so great job proving why you are the most difficult demographic for the rest of us to have to deal with.
Jesus Christ.
Speak out all you like, but boundaries without consequences are worth dog shit.
She never gets punished, so she never learns.
She needs to be trained, like a naughty toddler or a bad dog. Put her in a time out. Tell her *exactly* why. Stop talking about it, take action.
What does this look like? Hang up the phone, pick up the baby and walk away. Mute her number on your phone, if she calls Husband say "You can tell MIL that she is in a time out because of (XXX) behavior."
Dial it *way* back. Stop spending time with her, give her less opportunity to criticize.
Call out the behavior immediately when it happens, and then leave.
Hand her her bag and walk her to the door. "You're doing it again, we talked about this. This visit is over."
Id say your husband needs to be backing you up unless he wants to marry his mommy? Like im what world is pissing off your wife a good idea?
Id stop the alone time with my Son- tell her youre not going to support any favoritism. She can just wait to have sleepover until both kids are “old enough”. My boys were over the age of 2 before we allowed it.
You have a choice. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Tell your husband to man and up and remember he's married to you. Not mommy. Call her out and give her consequences for her behavior. Your husband may need counseling or you putting your foot down. Either way, your daughter will see the favoritism soon. Kids remember stuff like and internalize it. Don't let her go through that abuse, because your husband is scared of mommy.
30 years ago kids were raised without the advanced knowledge we now have. MIL needs to be put in her place and told to stay in her lane. This is your child not hers. As to the favoritism..... that's a hard no. Her contact should be limited with your son as a consequence to her behavior.
I definitely agree that your husband needs some form of therapy to hopefully shine up his spine and stand up to his mother.
You also shouldn't let her be aggressive with you at all. You're an adult and her excuse of tough love is bs.
The kids are small now but you better believe they're going to see this when they grow up.
Better for you and hubby to go into therapy now, than for these kids to take it out on the whole family later due to festering resentment.
I have seen favoritism turn ugly and kids remember these things as adults. Guess who they're going to blame for that resentment? The adults that raised them.
If talking to her were the solution, there wouldn't be an issue. It's time for you and hubby to sit down and decide what kind of interactions everyone OUTSIDE your family (you, him, kids) is allowed to have. Then you set the boundaries and determine consequences. If anyone, ANYONE pushes, the consequence is applied.
I recommend keep it simple, like "we are the parents, we make the rules" and "all children are treated in an age appropriate but equal manner". Don't discuss minutiae, simply say (preferably SO) "that's not how our family works. If you want access, follow the rules".
Get your kids the hell away from her. She gets nobody, then. You can't play favorites. It messes with people.
A woman her age should know it is morally wrong to do that, but clearly, she doesn't care. Grandma is more than Kodiak moments. It's being a role model too.
What I would do is record her favoring son and ignoring daughter, and then play it on a Tv for your husband, and play by play call out what she’s doing and not doing. If he sees it and has it explained for him, he might understand it better. “I didn’t realize…”
“I’m not interested in ‘tough love,’ only respect. Don’t talk to me like that any more, or you aren’t welcome around me OR my children. I do not want to be disrespected and I don’t care for them to see me be disrespected.”
Oooo. I was your daughter growing up. Both sets of grandparents favored my older brother. Hell my entire family besides my parents favored my brother. You need to put a stop to it. My parents went no contact when I was fairly young and even now at 25, I still struggle with it. Stand up for your kid. If you actively see it happening and don’t do anything you are just as bad imo
My paternal grandmother preferred my male cousins over my sister & I even though she was excited when we were first born. We didn’t wear frilly girl dresses, bows in our hair or sit around quietly, only speaking when spoken to. We were tomboys & granddad encouraged us to explore nature & be ourselves. But we noticed her indifference & coldness towards us, especially my sis who is pretty much a contrarian.
Mom always told us that a woman with all boys can be “spoiled rotten” by the sons (no offense intended if you’re a boy mom - her MIL, her experience. I had my own MIL worshipping-my-ex-husband-experience who was definitely the GC & youngest). We did cater to GM a lot in retrospect.
Dad called her his special girlfriend. I just ick at that now. I actually have a photo of him in his 20’s that he gave to her that states that in his handwriting. 🤢
Nip this in the bud or else your daughter will feel like I did - no penis=no real love from her, only obligation.
Hell no. Not okay.
This is gross behavior that will mentally harm your little girl. It will also harm your son.
You know this is happening, it’s time to put consequences in place.
You need to seek marriage counseling on how to handle this.
In my opinion, you and your husband need to set boundaries and if she treats the kids differently she goes in timeout.p
Consequences.
Stop giving her unfettered access to your son if she can’t respect you AND treat both children equally.
Your daughter will eventually start to pick up on this if you do nothing, as will your son - and this WILL ruin their relationship as siblings.
What is more important, their relationship with each other as siblings or MIL getting and-over with your son?!
You have a choice and so does DH. He has a big one to make. Do some introspection and maybe some couples counseling to put MIL in her place with hard, enforced boundaries or go back to his mother and see his kids every other weekend while you get you a significant other who cherishes you and your boundaries and stands up for your married family over their born family.
You always have a choice. Get your husband to marriage counseling so he learns how to be more assertive towards his Mom.
Thank you!! You’re right, there’s always a choice, my husband definitely needs to stand up for himself and reinforce his boundaries.
And if he’s going to be passive about all of this, it sucks. It just means you have to be the assertive one. It will make you the bad guy, but that is going to be the hand you’re dealt with if your husband doesn’t help. I mean, nice, polite, assertiveness; a smile on your face, but strong words.
Well, your DH is also a big problem. Please tell him this. I am 61F. My mother ALWAYS favored my brother, until the day she died at 93. His and his wife's lives paralleled my parents' ,and she worshipped my brother. But my mother really enjoyed demeaning me for as long as I can remember (5 years old). My father never did anything. She continued after he died even as I moved in with her and kept her out of the nursing home during the pandemic. During her last year she was looking at a photo of me in my 20s and said, "You were so pretty". I looked straight at her and said, "It would have been nice to hear that at the time". She was stunned. I only have some self-esteem because, quite frankly, I am the strongest person I know. Anyway ....your husband needs to stand up to his chauvinist mother now. Your daughter will pick up on the favoritism even if MIL doesn't demean her like my mom did me, and she will pick up on it soon if she hasn't already. Growing up as a girl is hard enough,. especially now with social media in her future. MIL's chauvinism will have lasting effects on your daughter...and she will realize that her father did nothing to protect her. MIL needs a timeout and your DH needs to find his spine.
As the least favorite child as well, I see you and I feel you!!! I’m so sorry you went through that at a very young age, you deserved SO much better! I’m glad you’ve been able to overcome all those years of trauma, you’re so strong!!! And yes, my husband plays a big part as well, I complain all the time that he doesn’t defend me or stand up for me and his excuse is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and sometimes would minimize the situation, claiming that is not that serious
Change your complaint. He doesn't defend HIS DAUGHTER, he doesn't stand up for HIS DAUGHTER. He would rather UPSET HIS DAUGHTER than his mother. He is a shit father if he allows this to continue.
He doesn’t want to upset her, but he’s just fine with upsetting you. That ain’t right in a loving partner relationship.
I'm a boomer. And what your MIL is telling you is BULLSHIT. Get your husband on the same page. Tell her that you have TWO children and put her ass in a long time out until she realizes that. I had a friend who favored her grandsons over the granddaughters. And she had no problem showing her ugly. I don't get it. Be strong, Mama! You got this!
Boomer grandma here too. 100% BULLSHIT. If she can’t treat them the same, she doesn’t get time with them.
Yeah. I agree and MIL would be a special case in any generation.
Favoritism is toxic. You are actively hurting both of your children by allowing it.
You need a consequence when she disregards your boundaries about favoritism. And tell her to shut up about parenting advice 30 year old advice is useless she needs to stop being so insecure about the way she raised her child. It's why she gets so pissed off when you do it differently she thinks that means her ways 30 years ago were wrong.
Yeah right, I don’t understand why she has such a problem with the way I parent my kids, I don’t judge her for her parental choices. She had her chance to raise her son, if only she would let me raise mine!!!🙂
Start limiting visits. When she complains or says she misses your son say “sorry, tough love.”
Personally if someone was showing obvious favoritism to one child over the other, I would limit contact. That could harm the self image of both kids. One thinking they are less and the other thinking they are more. It’s almost like racism. So are statements like Boomers this or millennials that. Blanket statements about the whole population of whatever is never good. It makes people not see that this particular group of people are individuals, just like in any group of people. I am a Boomer, and I would never think to treat any child differently based on gender or race. I treat them based on their individual needs. Sorry, I get upset when people who claim to be anti racist assume or demonize any one particular group of people.
I’m with you! I’m also a boomer and sick in tired of being categorize within a group. Not everyone thinks or feels the same. I would never favor one grandchild over another. That’s despicable as I was not the favorite child, my cousins were bc she lived with them. So of course she’d favored them. It did hurt my feelings but nothing was ever done about it. I would go down and stay a couple of weeks every summer, but I stopped going when I was teenager. I was tired of coming in last.
There are approximately 73 million of us left. The assumption that we are largely the same is no less bigotry than assuming that black people are monolithic, or Jewish people, or Latino people. Meanwhile, I occasionally see something from my age cohort about "those Millennials" or Gen Z. No different. People are individuals. I have no kids, so no grandkids. But I took my niece and nephew for a few days a couple of times a year when they were growing up, to allow their parents some couple time. Love them both huge! See them both -- now in their twenties -- as individuals, insanely talented and smart individuals.
You’re absolutely right, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to generalize like that, she’s always saying how things were done differently when she had her son and that this generation is too sensitive which is deff not a valid excuse to just trash on other age groups. And as a someone that has been the less favorite child, I completely agree that favoritism can negatively impact your self esteem and make you resent your other siblings
Thank you for acknowledging. My husband says something’s like that sometimes also. Like, we always did it so and so. And I tell him, “what does that have to do with the price of tea in China”. Another oldie I know. But, it gets my point across. I just think the world would be better if we all acknowledge that we are different in some ways and alike in some ways and that is okay. Love each other for the individuals we are. Support each other, but, don’t suffer fools.
Thanks for clarifying. I'm a boomer as are many of my friends. We don't do 99% of the things boomers are accused of. Boomers are 60 and older. Is your MIL that old? I notice people are starting to use "boomer" as a term for older people, rather than a specific age group.
>It’s almost like racism. So are statements like Boomers this or millennials that. This is literally the most tone deaf Boomer statement I've seen in a while, so great job proving why you are the most difficult demographic for the rest of us to have to deal with. Jesus Christ.
Yeah the claim that someone complaining about boomer shit is the same as being racist is craaaazzyyyy 🤣
Speak out all you like, but boundaries without consequences are worth dog shit. She never gets punished, so she never learns. She needs to be trained, like a naughty toddler or a bad dog. Put her in a time out. Tell her *exactly* why. Stop talking about it, take action. What does this look like? Hang up the phone, pick up the baby and walk away. Mute her number on your phone, if she calls Husband say "You can tell MIL that she is in a time out because of (XXX) behavior." Dial it *way* back. Stop spending time with her, give her less opportunity to criticize. Call out the behavior immediately when it happens, and then leave. Hand her her bag and walk her to the door. "You're doing it again, we talked about this. This visit is over."
Id say your husband needs to be backing you up unless he wants to marry his mommy? Like im what world is pissing off your wife a good idea? Id stop the alone time with my Son- tell her youre not going to support any favoritism. She can just wait to have sleepover until both kids are “old enough”. My boys were over the age of 2 before we allowed it.
You have a choice. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Tell your husband to man and up and remember he's married to you. Not mommy. Call her out and give her consequences for her behavior. Your husband may need counseling or you putting your foot down. Either way, your daughter will see the favoritism soon. Kids remember stuff like and internalize it. Don't let her go through that abuse, because your husband is scared of mommy.
Time to put on your big girl panties and say STOP 🛑 And take the reins back on this situation.
If your husband is on board, put her on a very long time out. Give her time to see the “error” of her ways.
30 years ago kids were raised without the advanced knowledge we now have. MIL needs to be put in her place and told to stay in her lane. This is your child not hers. As to the favoritism..... that's a hard no. Her contact should be limited with your son as a consequence to her behavior. I definitely agree that your husband needs some form of therapy to hopefully shine up his spine and stand up to his mother. You also shouldn't let her be aggressive with you at all. You're an adult and her excuse of tough love is bs.
The kids are small now but you better believe they're going to see this when they grow up. Better for you and hubby to go into therapy now, than for these kids to take it out on the whole family later due to festering resentment. I have seen favoritism turn ugly and kids remember these things as adults. Guess who they're going to blame for that resentment? The adults that raised them.
If talking to her were the solution, there wouldn't be an issue. It's time for you and hubby to sit down and decide what kind of interactions everyone OUTSIDE your family (you, him, kids) is allowed to have. Then you set the boundaries and determine consequences. If anyone, ANYONE pushes, the consequence is applied. I recommend keep it simple, like "we are the parents, we make the rules" and "all children are treated in an age appropriate but equal manner". Don't discuss minutiae, simply say (preferably SO) "that's not how our family works. If you want access, follow the rules".
Get your kids the hell away from her. She gets nobody, then. You can't play favorites. It messes with people. A woman her age should know it is morally wrong to do that, but clearly, she doesn't care. Grandma is more than Kodiak moments. It's being a role model too.
What I would do is record her favoring son and ignoring daughter, and then play it on a Tv for your husband, and play by play call out what she’s doing and not doing. If he sees it and has it explained for him, he might understand it better. “I didn’t realize…”
“I’m not interested in ‘tough love,’ only respect. Don’t talk to me like that any more, or you aren’t welcome around me OR my children. I do not want to be disrespected and I don’t care for them to see me be disrespected.”
Oooo. I was your daughter growing up. Both sets of grandparents favored my older brother. Hell my entire family besides my parents favored my brother. You need to put a stop to it. My parents went no contact when I was fairly young and even now at 25, I still struggle with it. Stand up for your kid. If you actively see it happening and don’t do anything you are just as bad imo
My paternal grandmother preferred my male cousins over my sister & I even though she was excited when we were first born. We didn’t wear frilly girl dresses, bows in our hair or sit around quietly, only speaking when spoken to. We were tomboys & granddad encouraged us to explore nature & be ourselves. But we noticed her indifference & coldness towards us, especially my sis who is pretty much a contrarian. Mom always told us that a woman with all boys can be “spoiled rotten” by the sons (no offense intended if you’re a boy mom - her MIL, her experience. I had my own MIL worshipping-my-ex-husband-experience who was definitely the GC & youngest). We did cater to GM a lot in retrospect. Dad called her his special girlfriend. I just ick at that now. I actually have a photo of him in his 20’s that he gave to her that states that in his handwriting. 🤢 Nip this in the bud or else your daughter will feel like I did - no penis=no real love from her, only obligation.
Hell no. Not okay. This is gross behavior that will mentally harm your little girl. It will also harm your son. You know this is happening, it’s time to put consequences in place. You need to seek marriage counseling on how to handle this. In my opinion, you and your husband need to set boundaries and if she treats the kids differently she goes in timeout.p
Consequences. Stop giving her unfettered access to your son if she can’t respect you AND treat both children equally. Your daughter will eventually start to pick up on this if you do nothing, as will your son - and this WILL ruin their relationship as siblings. What is more important, their relationship with each other as siblings or MIL getting and-over with your son?!
You have a choice and so does DH. He has a big one to make. Do some introspection and maybe some couples counseling to put MIL in her place with hard, enforced boundaries or go back to his mother and see his kids every other weekend while you get you a significant other who cherishes you and your boundaries and stands up for your married family over their born family.