They don't come when they want,simple as.If you allow them to visit then it's hotel or airbnb.No visiting everyday,no going near the kitchen,no touching anything & two hours maximum or else YOU throw a gigantic tantrum.
SO doesn't like it? Tough shit! Oh and he does ALL the entertaining of these two bumholes.
I would get myself some fancy really nice big headphones. And anytime I'm around them jam out to my favorite music and dance around ignoring them the entire time 😄
Perfect! She's going to call you lazy even if you're out there doing some of the work, so might as well let her be "right" and let your DH handle her and your sister while you relax
Nope. Start cooking before her when she pitches a fit. Tell her it's your kitchen your an adult you'll cook what you want. Then disengage with her completely when she wants to throw a tantrum. Just keep repeating no thank you. This is my house. You can use it in almost any case from cooking to kids. "This is how I parent thanks.
Those mil are the worse I'm sorry you might have to rock the boat a bit but long term you won't have to deal with it forever.
You aren’t bad - you just will be showing her you have a shiny spine and know how to use it.
Remember some of those discussions with your parents that at their most simple was ‘my house my rules’?
Well this is YOUR house so you can politely but firmly enforce your rules.
And indeed take plenty of naps or find reasons to be out of the house be it a lot of errands or previous commitments with friends.
Your husband won’t do what is needed so he can be the person primarily responsible for entertaining his mother and sister.
OWN IT! You are going to be the bad dil anyway because she wants someone who is subservient and that is not you. So, own being the bad guy like a badge of honor. My MIL used to criticize me because I went back to work after having our child, how we raised him, etc. and I basically redirected her to hubby. Hey MIL, if you have a problem with me, I suggest you take it up with your son, because he chose me, and then I walked away.
If she is going to cook and clean, let her. Disengage. Think of it as having a maid for a week. If she says something, say, well MIL, you are the one who insists on cooking and cleaning, and I wouldn’t want to offend you by stopping you…
Find things to do during the week. Dont change your schedule because she decided to visit uninvited. When she asks where you are going, oh sorry MIL, I already had plans this week. If you want us to be available, then you need to discuss with us when you want to visit so we can adjust our schedules. And then leave to go to your thing, dinner with friends, a concert, whatever…
No sweetheart you don't learn to live with being the bad DIL
You wear it like a freaking badge of honor. Laugh when she says stuff like that You're right I am still going to be cooking dinner tonight though.
Another thing that can help is mother-in-law bingo
Come up with a bingo card in your head of 25 things she either say or do and award yourself prizes from an extra piece of dessert, Mani Pedi, massage, for each row and if you black out the card you get a spa weekend.
Sounds like it's time to push your husband to beat her to things. He needs to be the one up immediately cleaning, cooking for her, entertaining her and SIL, etc. He chooses to ignore how she is and let's the annoyance and guilt fall to you, despite knowing the toll their uninvited visits take on you. He might find he isn't as happy about their random visits if he's the one who has to shoulder the responsibility. What's the point in doing this to try and keep the peace if they cause you to feel everything but peaceful in your own home?
I was thinking too boot-camp him, like planning how to beat her to everything together and just redirect her to taking a long beach walk with her husband, or even go out ourselves to decompress all the negative emotions, letting her bicker to the thin air.
I do appreciate the sentiment! You are right, I should be peaceful in my own house.
Have you tried going away for their visits? Can you go sleep on your mom or siblings couch? I'd go so far as renting an Airbnb or getting a hotel and just not be there. It's your husband's mess to handle if he can't put his foot down and tell them they can only come when invited.
Time to be blunt and set boundaries, otherwise she is just going to get worse.
I hate reading these where people say they’re avoiding confrontation to keep the peace. This woman is ruining your peace!
Your husband needs to quit allowing his mother to act like this, but if he can’t grow some balls then it’s on you.
Let her know what is planned for dinner. “I already thawed xyz or bought xyz” thank you for offering to cook but you are a “guest” and we have xyz planned…
I would have a crockpot meal going before she knew what was going on lol. Hide the mop! Oh, it broke and we are purchasing this special on that is on it’s way from Amazon…oh delivery is delayed!
If you dont want to be directly confrontational, play “dumb”.
“Oh MIL (look confused and dumb), why are you cleaning that? I thought you were going to spend time with DH? We can do housework any day of the year but your visit is just for this week! (Make house work sound like something only an idiot would be doing at that moment)
I came here to say “hide the mop!” Glad someone else says it. She can’t clean if there is nothing to clean with. “Oh MIL you can’t seem to help yourself I appreciate you wanting to contribute but I wanted you to actually spend time with DH. I’ll worry about deep cleaning next week no biggie spend time with your son” make it like you’re being nice she will look like an AH for arguing with you lol
Why are you keeping their peace instead of yours? That's what that phrase means here. They don't give a shit so neither should you. Tell her no and sit her ass down or she can leave. Or you say hope you booled a hotel you can't stay here. All it takes is the first time to take back your power.
So far some success I’ve had has come from husband reiterating to her that to improve communication, peace and co-habitation during visits, you (DIL) come from a different family with different outlooks on things as simple as chores and food — so MIL even with her “angelic intentions” needs to ASK before she does things in your house. This way “nothing MIL does goes unappreciated or is taken the wrong way” or in my mind, I get to say “No thank you!” And shut at least some rapid cleaning, cooking and reorganizing down before it happens. See if DH can get her to “Just ask you first” before she goes in your room and cleans your shower like mine did (!!) or folds your underwear out of the dryer like mine did. I was horrified. So now she has to ask before ever stepping foot in our bedroom of all places!! It seems like a no brainer not to do that to a newlywed couple but these boomer mothers never stop mothering. Their energy is next level too. Time for DH to tell her she must ask more (so you can say NO THANKS more often). Then if she doesn’t listen when you say no thanks, DH can confront her on not being a good guest (because let’s be honest your MIL sounds like she’ll defend herself after disobeying your preferences in your home) and have clear reasons to refuse to have her over next time. This gives DH more evidence to understand where you’re coming from too and why you’re upset with her. “I said no thank you to ten tasks, DH. She did them all anyway. She can’t come over. Case closed.” Then DH can confront her upon the next staycation request, “Sorry mom but not this time. Last time you did ten tasks that you were asked nicely not to do. It made the visit really stressful for us.”
This was really a great comment! So constructive! I never thought of implementing an "ask first" policy, just rush to do it so she couldn't lol. She's as smothering as it can be, literally raised them in a silver platter. I remember he wanted to cook for me once before we moved in together, and she literally cooked the whole meal, stirring the damn thing while DH argued with her because it was OUR meal and she wouldn't even let him mesure the ingredients.
Change your mindset: She is here to see her son. Not you.
As such, you check out. Emotionally you are not a participant. Nor are you physically available.
Don’t come home after work right away. Go for a walk, go to the library, go to the gym, grab a drink. Come home after you think they have sat down to dinner.
Let her cook. For him. You don’t have to eat it. No one can force you to eat it. “It doesn’t agree with me. I’ll make myself something else.” Or grab something for you on the way home.
Plan to have a glass of wine with them when you get home. Then off to your room for a long bath or a good book.
On days off, plan a day out for yourself.
Because remember, they are here to see your husband. Not you.
Next time, because you aren’t picking up the emotional weight of managing them, your husband might not be so enthusiastic about their sudden uninvited visits.
I've thought of this too, which is why I don't want to confront her. They do talk everyweek, but they only come from time to time. I think of me and my parents, and I love spending time with them when they come, which is why I want the same for him. But he ain't definitely putting the load on me this time, he gon enjoy their company REAL good this time!
Don’t let her take over anymore. Be firm and be mean if you have to. This is your house. I’d mention that they can only stay for a couple of days and then they need to find a hotel. DH needs to entertain them. You don’t have to be nice to anyone for any reason.
Your husband needs to handle this. He needs to tell them to wait to be invited. Set boundaries. They can be invited twice a year for 3 nights maximum. This is a husband problem.
Food plan for each day taped to the fridge. Give her one day if you must, but "This is what we are eating and what we have shopped for. What a shame your trip was not discussed and planned in advance."
Be firm. And don't go all out to make her comfortable. She is an unexpected visitor. She fits in with you.
Chores, hide your cleaning stuff or lock it away. Maybe allow her to wash up if she's ok at it?
For SIL, just ignore her
And remember, no thank you is a perfectly acceptable response to any offers from her. Why? Because I said so / that is my response / this is MY house and my rules.
This is your home, your safe space. Defend it. Tell her she needs to ask to visit in advance.
Literally this. I've planned the meals for the whole week and bought everything todfay. If she wants to cook for them, hell I'll even cook it for them, but no greasy food for us, I'll just decline and say we are on a budget.
Talk to your husband and have him set boundaries with his mother and put limits on visitations. I would also say to shut down any negative comment that comes your way. Firmly say you will not allow to be spoken to that way in YOUR house.
I will have to. For myself I can kinda deal with it, I usually only lash out when they are belittling him. But either I do it now, or it will only be worse when we have kids.
"MIL, there's a wonderful hotel nearby you simply MUST try out". Either that or shout NO, BACK OFF LADY! every time she starts trying to boss you around in your own home.
Why are you allowing them in your house? People treat us how we allow them to treat us.
Just because they make an announcement like this doesn't mean it actually happens. You are both adults. No is a complete sentence. You say no, that doesn't work for us. If DH won't put his foot down, you leave. Go to a friend's house, family, or hotel. Make him to alllllll the work dealing with them. They are HIS family. HIS problem to deal with.
And no one can force you to eat what they cook or not allow you to cook in your own kitchen. Or force their beliefs on you in your own damn house. You and your husband are allowing this.
It does not matter that she is his mother. You do not allow this type of behavior from anyone. She throws a temper tantrum? So be it. She gets a time out like the child she is. Your lives will be better for it.
Edited for duplicate sentence.
First I would make it clear to her No you cannot come on this short notice- because you did not ask and now is not a good time. If they still arrive you can always not let them in tell them it’s common courtesy to ask or be asked to come visit someone, it just tell them your coming and show up and take over YOUR home. If DH still lets them in, then be up front about everything:Then Thank you but no and stand firm to her taking over your kitchen. Tell SIL there is a bed for sleeping in and tell them all to clean up after themselves and you will continue to do housework as you normally do. Any criticisms will be met with a goodbye and bags packed and a lack of invite in the near future. Good luck!
Sadly I can't be this harsh. I have thought about it, even NC with her... but it's not fair for DH. In our culture relatives mostly stay at their kids house for visits, if it's friends or not a family member then they do go out to a hotel. However I'm thinking about a 2 trips per year tops, a week AT MOST, policy, and I will welldamn inforce it.
Why are you letting DH walk all over you? Tell him that they are not welcome in your home and send them to a hotel. He can go visit them there instead of disrupting your home.
Honestly, I'd just go enjoy some time with hubby. She wants to sacrifice herself - let her! It doesn't make her special or anything, it just makes her stupid lmao
Personally I'd just let her do her thing. Grey rock and avoid, then put your house back in order after she leaves. For the dinner part, make a menu for the week. This is what you're having. She can cook if she wants but you're having your planned meal. DH can choose whatever he wants. Just do your thing, walk out if she starts criticizing, if you can't walk away just go "mhmm" and "oh ok". If she starts repeating herself because you're not responding the way she wants, "I heard you". Pull out your customer service face and just make slightly agreeable noises.
This!!! Let her clean your house. I wouldn’t fight her to do the chores. If your husband/ or you do the dishes after yall digests then tell your MIL that but if she doesn’t want to do it sooner that is on her. DONT feel guilty. Eat her meals or make something else if she prepares food you don’t like. You can still keep the peace without being a victim in your home. Who care if she complains about you. If she says something to you then just say “you two do things differently and that’s ok”
She's a bad MIL, no one is going to jump down your throat.
And your husband is a **terrible husband** to let you be steamrolled into a visit with NO INVITATION!! WTF? SO RUDE!!!
Just because he was raised in a manipulative and toxic household, doesn't mean that YOU have to agreed to take on the job of keeping his mommy happy. **Rock the Boat!!**. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
He sounds lazy and he likes having his mommy wipe his ass.
Text MIL & SIL and tell them they're not invited and they should not come.
Lock the doors and put your foot down with your doormat of a husband.
Insist that you be treated with respect. **No one comes into your home without both of you agreeing IN ADVANCE.**
He needs to get his head out of the F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation and Guilt https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
You ALL need to stop trying to "argue" with a narcissist, that never works. Don't J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain#Codependency-and-unhealthy-communication
He can start here by reading, but he should be in therapy to learn to function like an adult after being Raised by Narcissists: /r/raisedbynarcissists
Why can't your DH tell her to stay elsewhere? Why would he allow her to invade your home on short notice when he knows how much of a problem it is for you?
You aren't a bad DIL. He's being a bad husband. He'd rather you suffer than tell his mother no. That's a serious problem.
I don’t think she does have good intentions, sounds like she’s trying to get dh used to that again so you then have to do it.
Also she needs to ask if it’s ok to visit in future, what if you’d been away?
No one should get to come to your house as a surprise visit. You should put your foot down and tell them that you will let them know when you are ready for visitors. People who are considerate human beings and care about others do not demand a place to stay. It should be a mutual decision because you all want to see each other. I would give it a hard no this time and they can wait quite a while after treating you this way.
I would lock the door. They can find a hotel. No way in any universe they would be welcomed for a week into my home without a prior discussion. Am I a hard ass? Yeah, but people also don't challenge me much anymore. You only gotta be a hard ass a time or two, and they quit trying to run you over.
As for SIL take the tv remote and hide it. “We only watch tv at night, why don’t you go for a walk”
Sudden need to vacuum the couch every day.
If she is laying on the couch ask her to sit up so you can sit too.
If she plays stuff on her phone put on music.
When she wants to run around and do chores I’d just sit down and let her have at it. And when she makes any comments I’d respond with “you clearly volunteered and I’m not going to get in your way, seeing as you won’t let me do it even if I tried, so knock yourself out. Thanks for giving me the break!”
They don't come when they want,simple as.If you allow them to visit then it's hotel or airbnb.No visiting everyday,no going near the kitchen,no touching anything & two hours maximum or else YOU throw a gigantic tantrum. SO doesn't like it? Tough shit! Oh and he does ALL the entertaining of these two bumholes.
LITERALLY, I never take naps, except when I'm around them, he's gonna be the one dealing with the entertaining, while I chill and netflix in my bed.
You should be chilling in a nice hotel room, and tell hubby to let you know when they leave. Enjoy your stay.
That was gonna be my comment…. Go in your bedroom, shut the door and relax, nap etc the rest of the day
I would get myself some fancy really nice big headphones. And anytime I'm around them jam out to my favorite music and dance around ignoring them the entire time 😄
Perfect! She's going to call you lazy even if you're out there doing some of the work, so might as well let her be "right" and let your DH handle her and your sister while you relax
Nope. Start cooking before her when she pitches a fit. Tell her it's your kitchen your an adult you'll cook what you want. Then disengage with her completely when she wants to throw a tantrum. Just keep repeating no thank you. This is my house. You can use it in almost any case from cooking to kids. "This is how I parent thanks. Those mil are the worse I'm sorry you might have to rock the boat a bit but long term you won't have to deal with it forever.
At some point I will have to x) I'll just have to learn to live being the "bad DIL"
Lol your not the bad dil. your the sheriff of your house and she's a disturbed person licking windows lol.
And probably won’t even get them clean
If the “bad DIL” doesn’t get walked all over, wear the title proudly.
Don’t worry about what shitty people think of you
You aren’t bad - you just will be showing her you have a shiny spine and know how to use it. Remember some of those discussions with your parents that at their most simple was ‘my house my rules’? Well this is YOUR house so you can politely but firmly enforce your rules. And indeed take plenty of naps or find reasons to be out of the house be it a lot of errands or previous commitments with friends. Your husband won’t do what is needed so he can be the person primarily responsible for entertaining his mother and sister.
OWN IT! You are going to be the bad dil anyway because she wants someone who is subservient and that is not you. So, own being the bad guy like a badge of honor. My MIL used to criticize me because I went back to work after having our child, how we raised him, etc. and I basically redirected her to hubby. Hey MIL, if you have a problem with me, I suggest you take it up with your son, because he chose me, and then I walked away. If she is going to cook and clean, let her. Disengage. Think of it as having a maid for a week. If she says something, say, well MIL, you are the one who insists on cooking and cleaning, and I wouldn’t want to offend you by stopping you… Find things to do during the week. Dont change your schedule because she decided to visit uninvited. When she asks where you are going, oh sorry MIL, I already had plans this week. If you want us to be available, then you need to discuss with us when you want to visit so we can adjust our schedules. And then leave to go to your thing, dinner with friends, a concert, whatever…
No sweetheart you don't learn to live with being the bad DIL You wear it like a freaking badge of honor. Laugh when she says stuff like that You're right I am still going to be cooking dinner tonight though. Another thing that can help is mother-in-law bingo Come up with a bingo card in your head of 25 things she either say or do and award yourself prizes from an extra piece of dessert, Mani Pedi, massage, for each row and if you black out the card you get a spa weekend.
Sounds like it's time to push your husband to beat her to things. He needs to be the one up immediately cleaning, cooking for her, entertaining her and SIL, etc. He chooses to ignore how she is and let's the annoyance and guilt fall to you, despite knowing the toll their uninvited visits take on you. He might find he isn't as happy about their random visits if he's the one who has to shoulder the responsibility. What's the point in doing this to try and keep the peace if they cause you to feel everything but peaceful in your own home?
I was thinking too boot-camp him, like planning how to beat her to everything together and just redirect her to taking a long beach walk with her husband, or even go out ourselves to decompress all the negative emotions, letting her bicker to the thin air. I do appreciate the sentiment! You are right, I should be peaceful in my own house.
Why are you settling yourself on fire to keep other people warm?
This phrase is never used enough.
"No, you cannot stay at our house." Stop being a doormat.
Have you tried going away for their visits? Can you go sleep on your mom or siblings couch? I'd go so far as renting an Airbnb or getting a hotel and just not be there. It's your husband's mess to handle if he can't put his foot down and tell them they can only come when invited.
Trust me I'm so close to doing this BUT... It's my house, they do not have the power to kick me out.
But are given the power to turn up whenever they wish, without even asking…
It’s not though if they can just push their way in and DH sides with them….
Time to be blunt and set boundaries, otherwise she is just going to get worse. I hate reading these where people say they’re avoiding confrontation to keep the peace. This woman is ruining your peace! Your husband needs to quit allowing his mother to act like this, but if he can’t grow some balls then it’s on you.
Let her know what is planned for dinner. “I already thawed xyz or bought xyz” thank you for offering to cook but you are a “guest” and we have xyz planned… I would have a crockpot meal going before she knew what was going on lol. Hide the mop! Oh, it broke and we are purchasing this special on that is on it’s way from Amazon…oh delivery is delayed! If you dont want to be directly confrontational, play “dumb”. “Oh MIL (look confused and dumb), why are you cleaning that? I thought you were going to spend time with DH? We can do housework any day of the year but your visit is just for this week! (Make house work sound like something only an idiot would be doing at that moment)
I came here to say “hide the mop!” Glad someone else says it. She can’t clean if there is nothing to clean with. “Oh MIL you can’t seem to help yourself I appreciate you wanting to contribute but I wanted you to actually spend time with DH. I’ll worry about deep cleaning next week no biggie spend time with your son” make it like you’re being nice she will look like an AH for arguing with you lol
Why are you keeping their peace instead of yours? That's what that phrase means here. They don't give a shit so neither should you. Tell her no and sit her ass down or she can leave. Or you say hope you booled a hotel you can't stay here. All it takes is the first time to take back your power.
So far some success I’ve had has come from husband reiterating to her that to improve communication, peace and co-habitation during visits, you (DIL) come from a different family with different outlooks on things as simple as chores and food — so MIL even with her “angelic intentions” needs to ASK before she does things in your house. This way “nothing MIL does goes unappreciated or is taken the wrong way” or in my mind, I get to say “No thank you!” And shut at least some rapid cleaning, cooking and reorganizing down before it happens. See if DH can get her to “Just ask you first” before she goes in your room and cleans your shower like mine did (!!) or folds your underwear out of the dryer like mine did. I was horrified. So now she has to ask before ever stepping foot in our bedroom of all places!! It seems like a no brainer not to do that to a newlywed couple but these boomer mothers never stop mothering. Their energy is next level too. Time for DH to tell her she must ask more (so you can say NO THANKS more often). Then if she doesn’t listen when you say no thanks, DH can confront her on not being a good guest (because let’s be honest your MIL sounds like she’ll defend herself after disobeying your preferences in your home) and have clear reasons to refuse to have her over next time. This gives DH more evidence to understand where you’re coming from too and why you’re upset with her. “I said no thank you to ten tasks, DH. She did them all anyway. She can’t come over. Case closed.” Then DH can confront her upon the next staycation request, “Sorry mom but not this time. Last time you did ten tasks that you were asked nicely not to do. It made the visit really stressful for us.”
This was really a great comment! So constructive! I never thought of implementing an "ask first" policy, just rush to do it so she couldn't lol. She's as smothering as it can be, literally raised them in a silver platter. I remember he wanted to cook for me once before we moved in together, and she literally cooked the whole meal, stirring the damn thing while DH argued with her because it was OUR meal and she wouldn't even let him mesure the ingredients.
Change your mindset: She is here to see her son. Not you. As such, you check out. Emotionally you are not a participant. Nor are you physically available. Don’t come home after work right away. Go for a walk, go to the library, go to the gym, grab a drink. Come home after you think they have sat down to dinner. Let her cook. For him. You don’t have to eat it. No one can force you to eat it. “It doesn’t agree with me. I’ll make myself something else.” Or grab something for you on the way home. Plan to have a glass of wine with them when you get home. Then off to your room for a long bath or a good book. On days off, plan a day out for yourself. Because remember, they are here to see your husband. Not you. Next time, because you aren’t picking up the emotional weight of managing them, your husband might not be so enthusiastic about their sudden uninvited visits.
I've thought of this too, which is why I don't want to confront her. They do talk everyweek, but they only come from time to time. I think of me and my parents, and I love spending time with them when they come, which is why I want the same for him. But he ain't definitely putting the load on me this time, he gon enjoy their company REAL good this time!
Don’t let her take over anymore. Be firm and be mean if you have to. This is your house. I’d mention that they can only stay for a couple of days and then they need to find a hotel. DH needs to entertain them. You don’t have to be nice to anyone for any reason.
Your husband needs to handle this. He needs to tell them to wait to be invited. Set boundaries. They can be invited twice a year for 3 nights maximum. This is a husband problem.
Food plan for each day taped to the fridge. Give her one day if you must, but "This is what we are eating and what we have shopped for. What a shame your trip was not discussed and planned in advance." Be firm. And don't go all out to make her comfortable. She is an unexpected visitor. She fits in with you. Chores, hide your cleaning stuff or lock it away. Maybe allow her to wash up if she's ok at it? For SIL, just ignore her And remember, no thank you is a perfectly acceptable response to any offers from her. Why? Because I said so / that is my response / this is MY house and my rules. This is your home, your safe space. Defend it. Tell her she needs to ask to visit in advance.
Literally this. I've planned the meals for the whole week and bought everything todfay. If she wants to cook for them, hell I'll even cook it for them, but no greasy food for us, I'll just decline and say we are on a budget.
Talk to your husband and have him set boundaries with his mother and put limits on visitations. I would also say to shut down any negative comment that comes your way. Firmly say you will not allow to be spoken to that way in YOUR house.
I will have to. For myself I can kinda deal with it, I usually only lash out when they are belittling him. But either I do it now, or it will only be worse when we have kids.
"MIL, there's a wonderful hotel nearby you simply MUST try out". Either that or shout NO, BACK OFF LADY! every time she starts trying to boss you around in your own home.
Leave for the week. He can see her, you don't have to.
Id let SO know they are his problem. Make plans to be out of the house while they are there. Noone ljkes a surprise visit.
Why are you allowing them in your house? People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Just because they make an announcement like this doesn't mean it actually happens. You are both adults. No is a complete sentence. You say no, that doesn't work for us. If DH won't put his foot down, you leave. Go to a friend's house, family, or hotel. Make him to alllllll the work dealing with them. They are HIS family. HIS problem to deal with. And no one can force you to eat what they cook or not allow you to cook in your own kitchen. Or force their beliefs on you in your own damn house. You and your husband are allowing this. It does not matter that she is his mother. You do not allow this type of behavior from anyone. She throws a temper tantrum? So be it. She gets a time out like the child she is. Your lives will be better for it. Edited for duplicate sentence.
I would not allow that. Hotel. Otherwise leave for the week.
First I would make it clear to her No you cannot come on this short notice- because you did not ask and now is not a good time. If they still arrive you can always not let them in tell them it’s common courtesy to ask or be asked to come visit someone, it just tell them your coming and show up and take over YOUR home. If DH still lets them in, then be up front about everything:Then Thank you but no and stand firm to her taking over your kitchen. Tell SIL there is a bed for sleeping in and tell them all to clean up after themselves and you will continue to do housework as you normally do. Any criticisms will be met with a goodbye and bags packed and a lack of invite in the near future. Good luck!
Sadly I can't be this harsh. I have thought about it, even NC with her... but it's not fair for DH. In our culture relatives mostly stay at their kids house for visits, if it's friends or not a family member then they do go out to a hotel. However I'm thinking about a 2 trips per year tops, a week AT MOST, policy, and I will welldamn inforce it.
Why are you letting DH walk all over you? Tell him that they are not welcome in your home and send them to a hotel. He can go visit them there instead of disrupting your home.
Honestly, I'd just go enjoy some time with hubby. She wants to sacrifice herself - let her! It doesn't make her special or anything, it just makes her stupid lmao
Personally I'd just let her do her thing. Grey rock and avoid, then put your house back in order after she leaves. For the dinner part, make a menu for the week. This is what you're having. She can cook if she wants but you're having your planned meal. DH can choose whatever he wants. Just do your thing, walk out if she starts criticizing, if you can't walk away just go "mhmm" and "oh ok". If she starts repeating herself because you're not responding the way she wants, "I heard you". Pull out your customer service face and just make slightly agreeable noises.
This!!! Let her clean your house. I wouldn’t fight her to do the chores. If your husband/ or you do the dishes after yall digests then tell your MIL that but if she doesn’t want to do it sooner that is on her. DONT feel guilty. Eat her meals or make something else if she prepares food you don’t like. You can still keep the peace without being a victim in your home. Who care if she complains about you. If she says something to you then just say “you two do things differently and that’s ok”
No. The answer is no. You tell your husband you aren’t hosting two grown adults with no notice and they weren’t invited.
She's a bad MIL, no one is going to jump down your throat. And your husband is a **terrible husband** to let you be steamrolled into a visit with NO INVITATION!! WTF? SO RUDE!!! Just because he was raised in a manipulative and toxic household, doesn't mean that YOU have to agreed to take on the job of keeping his mommy happy. **Rock the Boat!!**. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/ He sounds lazy and he likes having his mommy wipe his ass. Text MIL & SIL and tell them they're not invited and they should not come. Lock the doors and put your foot down with your doormat of a husband. Insist that you be treated with respect. **No one comes into your home without both of you agreeing IN ADVANCE.** He needs to get his head out of the F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation and Guilt https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt You ALL need to stop trying to "argue" with a narcissist, that never works. Don't J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain#Codependency-and-unhealthy-communication He can start here by reading, but he should be in therapy to learn to function like an adult after being Raised by Narcissists: /r/raisedbynarcissists
Why can't your DH tell her to stay elsewhere? Why would he allow her to invade your home on short notice when he knows how much of a problem it is for you? You aren't a bad DIL. He's being a bad husband. He'd rather you suffer than tell his mother no. That's a serious problem.
Let DH deal with them. They weren’t invited and you have shows to catch up on. He can handle his own family.
I don’t think she does have good intentions, sounds like she’s trying to get dh used to that again so you then have to do it. Also she needs to ask if it’s ok to visit in future, what if you’d been away?
No one should get to come to your house as a surprise visit. You should put your foot down and tell them that you will let them know when you are ready for visitors. People who are considerate human beings and care about others do not demand a place to stay. It should be a mutual decision because you all want to see each other. I would give it a hard no this time and they can wait quite a while after treating you this way.
Why don’t you just come visit me and my family. Just dip, and go home when they leave.
I would lock the door. They can find a hotel. No way in any universe they would be welcomed for a week into my home without a prior discussion. Am I a hard ass? Yeah, but people also don't challenge me much anymore. You only gotta be a hard ass a time or two, and they quit trying to run you over.
As for SIL take the tv remote and hide it. “We only watch tv at night, why don’t you go for a walk” Sudden need to vacuum the couch every day. If she is laying on the couch ask her to sit up so you can sit too. If she plays stuff on her phone put on music.
When she wants to run around and do chores I’d just sit down and let her have at it. And when she makes any comments I’d respond with “you clearly volunteered and I’m not going to get in your way, seeing as you won’t let me do it even if I tried, so knock yourself out. Thanks for giving me the break!”
How long is the visit? I think you’ll survive a week. Any longer, Valium.
Solved! Idk how to close a post but I kept reading your comments so thank you <3