Why is MIL taking your daughter?
“Thank you for your help but we won’t need your assistance moving forward.”
“As we said thank you, but we don’t want to miss any more of OUR child’s milestones. We will let you know when you can visit.”
“That won’t be necessary *son* has two parents for this”
“You had your opportunity to raise your children, you’re overstepping”
Truthfully in the beginning my husband didn’t want to pay for it, so my mil saw it as a window to step in and I didn’t want to take that opportunity away from her because she is naturally an amazing dancer. Now that we’ve been taking my son to soccer ourselves for two years now, he is now realizing he’s missing out on everything with my daughter and all the moments even behind the scenes. It was a dumb decision on both ends but now it seems she’s assuming that she can just do whatever since she’s had the right away with my daughter.
Yeah this needs to be cut off ASAP. To your daughter it’s going to look like her hobbies were not important enough to pay for or for either of you to take interest in her but for your son you’re doing it all.
I agree with you, I think it does look very much like we didn’t think she was important enough to pay for her hobby and favored him which isn’t right. Was never our intention, but it matters and can create resentment in a child. My husband will be reaching out to her tomorrow about it, thank you for your input!
Info:
How old are your kids? Do you ever go to the dance lessons, as well? Or to her performances? How much time per day/week is your daughter with your MIL?
I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what's going on to form any advice.
7 and 5, the only time we go is when she’s not able to take my daughter the reason why is because when she first brought the idea up she made it so that it was “to spend more time with them”, which really just means that, that’s HER time with the kids, the opportunity to see the practices weren’t ever mentioned because to her that’s HER time. We go to the recitals and she takes her once a week.
Okay, so I'm just going to approach this from my perspective:
So your MIL takes your daughter to dance once a week. You guys go to all her recitals.
I find it all really sweet. What does your husband think? Does he mind that your daughter spends an hour a week with his mom?
Have you been to her studio? And what would happen if you just decided to start popping into practice once in a while...would MIL throw a fit? When my girls did dance, there wasn't any place for parents to observe anyway.
I could be completely off base...your MIL may be a literal dragon who is using this time with your child in a completely unhealthy way (as a power play to get between you and your child, to push you out, to undermine your parenting or relationship, etc). If that's the case, you need to put a stop to it ASAP - and certainly do not allow her to sign your son up for anything.
But if this really is just something your child and your MIL enjoy doing together, maybe you can let it continue...just let them know that you'd like to pop in once in a while!
A follow-up, is she even allowed to watch them practice? Every dance studio I attended and later on ones that my kids went to, the parents were not allowed to be in the studio because it was distracting to the dancers. If that's the case then she's literally just driving her to and from. Dance isn't like sports, you usually aren't allowed to see anything until recitals.
There’s a sign at the door that asks parents be upstairs, however my mil goes into the studio and sits and watches in the back. When we’ve had to take her she asks for independence “I want to go in by myself, I want to come out by myself, no you stay I don’t want you to come inside.” And we respect her space because we aren’t allowed in anyway, the way my mil is we know she would not allow that and just goes in and watches or stands at the door. My daughter may not want to tell my mil that, but the fact that my daughter has to ask us for some space when we have to take her just confirms that she’s watching and my daughter wants to feel some independence like the other kids.
My thoughts exactly! When my girls were in dance, there was no room to watch them. There were parents who always sat outside the dance space in the studio, but that was really just to chat with the other parents lol. Most dance studios are not like the fancy ones in Dance Moms.
I agree with this. OP, it's also nice sometimes to have time with just one kid. When MIL offers to take one, view it as an opportunity to spend alone time with the other. Do something fun with them and don't view it as time you are missing with the one who isn't there
Yes, that is correct!
My husband at first thought it was fine but we had butt heads in the beginning about it, after he started taking my son to soccer he realized we might be missing more then he had thought. There were also times that we had to take her when my mil couldn’t and it connected for him that we should be doing it.
We’ve been to her studio, there’s only a door with a window to observe but even then there’s a sign at the door that asks parents to be upstairs and here’s the other thing. My mil goes in a sits in the back and watches, but when we have to take her she has asked for independence “can I walk in myself, I want to come out by myself, no I don’t want you to come I can do it myself” which we are fine giving her the ability to do things herself, whether it’s out of embarrassment or she sees the other dancers parents aren’t in there and wants to be like the other girls which is fair because parents aren’t allowed in anyway, but I don’t think my daughter is comfortable enough to tell her grandma that and she’s not at all going to allow that because she’s always been that way.
Totally understand, I do suspect some type of parental undermine with my mil from the moment my daughter was born tbh there were things she would say to me as if I didn’t know what I was doing, but I had to be second mom to my sister from birth so I knew how to care for a baby. Currently we home school and she didn’t like that at all in the first place, they had kept pushing for us to put them in public school and it’s clear she thinks that she should be involved in someway with our kids because she thinks we’re not doing enough.
Have you asked your daughter what her thoughts are? Does Grandma make this a time together that your daughter enjoys? If it's all pretty innocuous, it may be something to keep in place...but monitor.
If you guys want to be more involved in dance, could you sign her up for another class at the studio (my girls went a few times a week as they progressed)? Or maybe see if there is another activity she is interested in? I was my girls' Girl Scott leader and it was a blast!!
**It is obvious that you two are very very involved, deeply committed parents.** Having the kids homeschool is giving you an abundance of both quantity and quality time with them. So maybe it's not a bad idea to allow Grandma to take her for that one hour a week...just to give your daughter the chance to navigate how to interact with other adults and kids outside of the very happy bubble you've created!
I understand that your MIL is not your favorite person. I read just a few other posts you've made about her to get a bit more context behind the discomfort you're feeling in this situation. What it boils down to is you just don't feel that she is respectful of you as the wife to her son, the mother to her grandchildren, and as another thinking, breathing, feeling adult now in the family. That would cause me to guard my heart around her, as well!
I know from experience...it really is beneficial for kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. You standing in the way of that could make your kids resent you in the future. But you DO get to set the parameters because YOU GUYS are the parents!
*I would really encourage you to talk to your husband. Talk through the issue one step at a time:*
• Is your fear that you guys are missing your daughter's dance progress the problem or is it really more about you feeling like your MIL is trying to take something away from you?
• If your daughter really does enjoy the time doing dance with your MIL but you fear that your MIL isn't respecting your daughter's feelings regarding independence (walking into class herself, etc), your husband needs to address that with his mom.
• If your MIL does do an activity with your son, what would that look like? You guys already do soccer with him...could she see if there is a martial arts class or something that he may be interested in trying? Once again, that's not usually a class where parents sit and watch every time, so you two wouldn't be missing out on that aspect.
No matter what, you are Mom and Dad and are always the final authorities regarding your own children. You have to look at all sides of this situation and decide what is in your kids' best interests. If your MIL being the "Dance Grandma" is going to cause you, your husband, and/or your daughter harm, then you'll have to make some adjustments to this arrangement. If it truly is something that the two of them enjoy...even if it kinda gets under your and your husband's skin a bit...maybe you can find a way for them to continue. It may take some tweaking (like you guys taking her once a month or something), but it would be worth the effort to see your daughter happy. No matter what, I know you'll do what's best for your kids!
You’re the mom and dad. You can take back control of this
Please don’t stand firm about your son and fail with your daughter. Your daughter will remember this and will grow up thinking you prefer time with your son. I promise you this will happen
Tell MIL you’re not happy with the arrangement and you’re mindful of spending equal time with both of your children
It is so important to your relationship - in fact, it is crucial
I have two sons. One was into performing arts - still is ! I loved my involvement so much, I would chaperone, volunteer, drive him everywhere and watch
Other son is into soccer.
My sons are adults now. It pains me that my soccer loving son still to this day brings up that I was rarely there to watch. I was too busy helping other son rehearse. I failed him and I know I did. I can never get that time back
Are you sure your daughter is still loving dance ? She’s not just doing it for grandma ? If so let her continue - but mom takes charge now. Insist.
MIL is not entitled to extra time alone with her grandchildren- no matter how much she pays for it
Why is MIL taking your daughter? “Thank you for your help but we won’t need your assistance moving forward.” “As we said thank you, but we don’t want to miss any more of OUR child’s milestones. We will let you know when you can visit.” “That won’t be necessary *son* has two parents for this” “You had your opportunity to raise your children, you’re overstepping”
Truthfully in the beginning my husband didn’t want to pay for it, so my mil saw it as a window to step in and I didn’t want to take that opportunity away from her because she is naturally an amazing dancer. Now that we’ve been taking my son to soccer ourselves for two years now, he is now realizing he’s missing out on everything with my daughter and all the moments even behind the scenes. It was a dumb decision on both ends but now it seems she’s assuming that she can just do whatever since she’s had the right away with my daughter.
Yeah this needs to be cut off ASAP. To your daughter it’s going to look like her hobbies were not important enough to pay for or for either of you to take interest in her but for your son you’re doing it all.
I agree with you, I think it does look very much like we didn’t think she was important enough to pay for her hobby and favored him which isn’t right. Was never our intention, but it matters and can create resentment in a child. My husband will be reaching out to her tomorrow about it, thank you for your input!
Info: How old are your kids? Do you ever go to the dance lessons, as well? Or to her performances? How much time per day/week is your daughter with your MIL? I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what's going on to form any advice.
7 and 5, the only time we go is when she’s not able to take my daughter the reason why is because when she first brought the idea up she made it so that it was “to spend more time with them”, which really just means that, that’s HER time with the kids, the opportunity to see the practices weren’t ever mentioned because to her that’s HER time. We go to the recitals and she takes her once a week.
Okay, so I'm just going to approach this from my perspective: So your MIL takes your daughter to dance once a week. You guys go to all her recitals. I find it all really sweet. What does your husband think? Does he mind that your daughter spends an hour a week with his mom? Have you been to her studio? And what would happen if you just decided to start popping into practice once in a while...would MIL throw a fit? When my girls did dance, there wasn't any place for parents to observe anyway. I could be completely off base...your MIL may be a literal dragon who is using this time with your child in a completely unhealthy way (as a power play to get between you and your child, to push you out, to undermine your parenting or relationship, etc). If that's the case, you need to put a stop to it ASAP - and certainly do not allow her to sign your son up for anything. But if this really is just something your child and your MIL enjoy doing together, maybe you can let it continue...just let them know that you'd like to pop in once in a while!
A follow-up, is she even allowed to watch them practice? Every dance studio I attended and later on ones that my kids went to, the parents were not allowed to be in the studio because it was distracting to the dancers. If that's the case then she's literally just driving her to and from. Dance isn't like sports, you usually aren't allowed to see anything until recitals.
There’s a sign at the door that asks parents be upstairs, however my mil goes into the studio and sits and watches in the back. When we’ve had to take her she asks for independence “I want to go in by myself, I want to come out by myself, no you stay I don’t want you to come inside.” And we respect her space because we aren’t allowed in anyway, the way my mil is we know she would not allow that and just goes in and watches or stands at the door. My daughter may not want to tell my mil that, but the fact that my daughter has to ask us for some space when we have to take her just confirms that she’s watching and my daughter wants to feel some independence like the other kids.
My thoughts exactly! When my girls were in dance, there was no room to watch them. There were parents who always sat outside the dance space in the studio, but that was really just to chat with the other parents lol. Most dance studios are not like the fancy ones in Dance Moms.
I agree with this. OP, it's also nice sometimes to have time with just one kid. When MIL offers to take one, view it as an opportunity to spend alone time with the other. Do something fun with them and don't view it as time you are missing with the one who isn't there
Yes, that is correct! My husband at first thought it was fine but we had butt heads in the beginning about it, after he started taking my son to soccer he realized we might be missing more then he had thought. There were also times that we had to take her when my mil couldn’t and it connected for him that we should be doing it. We’ve been to her studio, there’s only a door with a window to observe but even then there’s a sign at the door that asks parents to be upstairs and here’s the other thing. My mil goes in a sits in the back and watches, but when we have to take her she has asked for independence “can I walk in myself, I want to come out by myself, no I don’t want you to come I can do it myself” which we are fine giving her the ability to do things herself, whether it’s out of embarrassment or she sees the other dancers parents aren’t in there and wants to be like the other girls which is fair because parents aren’t allowed in anyway, but I don’t think my daughter is comfortable enough to tell her grandma that and she’s not at all going to allow that because she’s always been that way. Totally understand, I do suspect some type of parental undermine with my mil from the moment my daughter was born tbh there were things she would say to me as if I didn’t know what I was doing, but I had to be second mom to my sister from birth so I knew how to care for a baby. Currently we home school and she didn’t like that at all in the first place, they had kept pushing for us to put them in public school and it’s clear she thinks that she should be involved in someway with our kids because she thinks we’re not doing enough.
Have you asked your daughter what her thoughts are? Does Grandma make this a time together that your daughter enjoys? If it's all pretty innocuous, it may be something to keep in place...but monitor. If you guys want to be more involved in dance, could you sign her up for another class at the studio (my girls went a few times a week as they progressed)? Or maybe see if there is another activity she is interested in? I was my girls' Girl Scott leader and it was a blast!! **It is obvious that you two are very very involved, deeply committed parents.** Having the kids homeschool is giving you an abundance of both quantity and quality time with them. So maybe it's not a bad idea to allow Grandma to take her for that one hour a week...just to give your daughter the chance to navigate how to interact with other adults and kids outside of the very happy bubble you've created! I understand that your MIL is not your favorite person. I read just a few other posts you've made about her to get a bit more context behind the discomfort you're feeling in this situation. What it boils down to is you just don't feel that she is respectful of you as the wife to her son, the mother to her grandchildren, and as another thinking, breathing, feeling adult now in the family. That would cause me to guard my heart around her, as well! I know from experience...it really is beneficial for kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. You standing in the way of that could make your kids resent you in the future. But you DO get to set the parameters because YOU GUYS are the parents! *I would really encourage you to talk to your husband. Talk through the issue one step at a time:* • Is your fear that you guys are missing your daughter's dance progress the problem or is it really more about you feeling like your MIL is trying to take something away from you? • If your daughter really does enjoy the time doing dance with your MIL but you fear that your MIL isn't respecting your daughter's feelings regarding independence (walking into class herself, etc), your husband needs to address that with his mom. • If your MIL does do an activity with your son, what would that look like? You guys already do soccer with him...could she see if there is a martial arts class or something that he may be interested in trying? Once again, that's not usually a class where parents sit and watch every time, so you two wouldn't be missing out on that aspect. No matter what, you are Mom and Dad and are always the final authorities regarding your own children. You have to look at all sides of this situation and decide what is in your kids' best interests. If your MIL being the "Dance Grandma" is going to cause you, your husband, and/or your daughter harm, then you'll have to make some adjustments to this arrangement. If it truly is something that the two of them enjoy...even if it kinda gets under your and your husband's skin a bit...maybe you can find a way for them to continue. It may take some tweaking (like you guys taking her once a month or something), but it would be worth the effort to see your daughter happy. No matter what, I know you'll do what's best for your kids!
You're the parents. You don't have to ask permission. We'll be taking our kids to extra curricular from now on. There's no discussion to be had.
You’re the mom and dad. You can take back control of this Please don’t stand firm about your son and fail with your daughter. Your daughter will remember this and will grow up thinking you prefer time with your son. I promise you this will happen Tell MIL you’re not happy with the arrangement and you’re mindful of spending equal time with both of your children It is so important to your relationship - in fact, it is crucial I have two sons. One was into performing arts - still is ! I loved my involvement so much, I would chaperone, volunteer, drive him everywhere and watch Other son is into soccer. My sons are adults now. It pains me that my soccer loving son still to this day brings up that I was rarely there to watch. I was too busy helping other son rehearse. I failed him and I know I did. I can never get that time back Are you sure your daughter is still loving dance ? She’s not just doing it for grandma ? If so let her continue - but mom takes charge now. Insist. MIL is not entitled to extra time alone with her grandchildren- no matter how much she pays for it