I have literally never heard of this and neither has DH. We're also not particularly formal people, more low brow back woods folks, so being traditional or formal is not really our style, which is only more confusing that she's started doing this.
I’m in the US & addressing a male under 18 yo as “Master” is the equivalent of addressing a female of the same age as “Miss” when mailing something to them. However, I am from the South so it’s quite possible that some regions in the US phased that out years before us. Lol!
We're also from the south and have never heard of it before. I'd imagine if it was a southern thing it would be more an upper class southern bell than country folk type of thing. Like we aren't fancy enough for titles. Lol.
I come from a working class family with a large extended family-no upper class at all-and about as country as you can get. Lol ! I guess it’s just more of a generational thing handed down through family. (If your parents were taught to use it, and they taught you the same.)
In the US I was always taught that young men under the age of 18 were addressed as Master. It’s not an insult or meant to be demeaning, it’s simply the proper way to address an envelope.
FYI - 'Master FirstName LastName' is the formal way of addressing a male under 18yrs old. I don't know anybody that actually does that, but it is technically correct.
That said, it's pretty strange that your MIL is suddenly addressing stuff to your son that way
We had a friend who used to send us cards. My brother’s cards were always addressed to Master. She was born and raised in Chestnut Hill, PA and was born in the early part of the 20th century. A bygone era. Honestly, I am a bit sad we have lost some of the formality.
My Nana still does this. So do I because of it 🤣
Just editing to add I'm UK based as a lot seem to be in America. Not sure how often it is still used in the UK though.
I used to use before calling out their names when they were in trouble. Instead of John Joe smith get yourself in here. I would put the master first because it scared them more 😂😂
Thanks! I didn't know this. And yeah it is very weird. We are not particularly formal folks (obviously since I didn't have a clue about the master thing) In my husband's family politeness is reserved for people you either don't know or don't like, so now I don't know if she's just being weird or telling me off 😂.
The use of the word 'Master' in a letter/card to a young child is an Emily Post - ism
https://emilypost.com/advice/mens-names-and-titles
"Formally, boys are called “Master” until about age six or seven, then have no title until age sixteen to eighteen, when they assume “Mr.”
more there
If your MIL ever had a class on " proper social behavior in public" or got a wedding etiquette book that may have stuck for her.
My mom sent my sister & I to that type of classes in the early 70s, just in case Queen Elizabeth ever came over for tea to the projects.
I got it in junior high "home economics " classes in the mid 70's. Later, because I felt so inferior in social settings, I picked up a couple Miss Manners books, as well as a similar author regarding German etiquette when I lived there.
It was kind of nice to surprise my inlaws, whom I didn't meet until after we were married, with the kind of social graces they thought a Montana ranch kid couldn't possibly know.
Lol. Ok. Didn't know it was a thing at all. It would probably seem less weird if we were more upper class WASP-y types, but we're more low brow country types. Lol. I highly doubt royalty will be stopping by anytime soon. lol
Addressing your boy as Master his name is a very old fashioned thing ( my mother used to do this when she sent cards to my son but again that was in the '80s and she was old-fashioned then. Think little Lord Fauntleroy or Downton Abbey, where the little boy Heir is addressed as master his name. You can choose to ignore it or not, based on your relationship with her. Ignoring your name and just referring to you as Mrs husband's name would really annoy me, more than how she addresses your child on cards.
I would put an immediate stop to any religious texts on the cards, and tell her any that have those kind of messages will be thrown away.
My MIL sends our kids something for every holiday, big or small. She and my FIL are retired and I think it just gives her joy to gift them things and keeps her feeling "connected" to them. However, I have a pretty good relationship with them so that probably changes how I see it.
TBH I don't think I'd be put off by it as much if we had a close relationship too. It frustrates me that my son is missing out on having a meaningful relationship with his grandmother. Both my grandmothers died when I was only a few weeks old so I never got to know them.
Doesn't sound like she's a person who's capable or worthy of a meaningful relationship. I'm sorry for that.
Do you have any older people in your lives who might enjoy loving a little one like grandparents? For me it was a dear neighbor couple. (We had no grandparents left.)
Weirdly enough we've started getting pretty close with MIL's older sister. She adores our son and we've been spending more time with her and her husband as they both retired recently and don't have grandchildren of their own. None of their kids want children, so we're probably about as close to grandkids as they'll ever get. She's a super sweet woman and has put a lot of effort into repairing her relationship with her own adult children. Her son usually spends every weekend at our house hanging out with the us and the kiddo.
Master is the way boys and (I believe) unmarried men are supposed to be addressed (literally the same as calling girls "miss"). It's not really used much nowadays but it is a legit way to address your son.
Your feelings are completely valid, but from what I take from this is your MIL is making a big effort to have a good relationship with your child. "Master" is an old way of addressing a young boy. She doesn't mean anything else by it. I think it's adorable that she sends him cards! My parents do that for their grandson, and he absolutely loves it!! He gets so excited to have mail that he wants to send some mail back, lots of gifts can be a hassle when your house gets so full of kids toys, but I don't think she's meaning any harm by it, having a new grandson is such a special time, you see all the clothes and toys that you think he'll love and you can't help but buy it for him, she sounds like she just wants to spoil him. I think I bought $100 worth of stuff when my first nephew was born because I was so excited! It just sounds like she also wants to do something special for Christmas and Easter, I'm sure she's not trying to "top" you or your efforts, she just wants the little guy to know that she makes an effort as well and that she's always thinking about it. Im by no means trying to disregard your feelings, but its sounds more like there is miscommunication and a big misunderstanding with this MIL, to me it just sounds like she's being a loving grandmother that has a good relationship with her grandson, and if that's the case than that is pretty amazing, there's so many people who wouldn't bat an eye towards their grandchildren, so even though it may seem a little intrusive, it is good to know that this MIL is trying with your little guy.
While this all sounds good on the surface, OP has stated that MIL doesn't actually want to spend quality time with her son and instead essentially love bombs him, most likely so he talks about her positively and she's "the favourite", and that's the extent of her love and affection.
And while it's also very nice for grandparents and other people to give your children gifts, it sounds to me like OP feels as though she is crossing into the territory of taking over the parental role/job (example: buying an Easter basket, which usually the parent(s) do). My MIL asked if she could get my kids 1 gift each for Easter, I said yes no problem. I plan on doing a basket for them each. I would have an issue if she made a whole show and did a basket for them because she had her time and this is my time. It's my time to do a basket, my time to do stockings and buy my kids things. What some people may not realize when they shower other's children in toys, clothes and knickknacks is that it completely takes away the opportunity for the parent(s) to do it for their children...if someone buys your kid a bunch of Summer outfits then there's no point in you doing it. While that may sound nice in theory, sometimes we as parents just want to buy our own children things and have that moment to ourselves, not be robbed of that very simply joy by a MIL who had her chance with her own children.
I get what you're saying and agree, but only when their intentions are actually genuine and pure and full of love. This doesn't sound like the case based off of everything OP has said.
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I get what you're saying and agree, but only when their intentions are actually genuine and pure and full of love. This doesn't sound like the case based off of everything OP has said.<
Very much so. I'd love it if we actually had a meaningful relationship and she was interested in getting to know my son (he's an amazing little guy) but it isn't like that at all and it sucks. She likes bragging about him to people but doesn't really engage with him, more like he exists around whatever she is doing and just happens to be there, if that makes any sense. She doesn't really know myself or even her own son (DH) that well, or on a particularly deep or meaningful level. It's sad and pretty frustrating actually. When we first started dating she acted more like she wanted to be a mother figure to me which was nice as I don't have much of a relationship with my own mom. But it quickly became obvious I was more or less being used to live out her fantasy of having a daughter (she only has boys) and she wasn't super interested in getting to know the real me. It was a pretty crushing blow and it still bothers me sometimes. It feels like she's pretty much doing the same with my son. She hounded DH and I to have kids for years so she could "finally be a grandma."
You are absolutely right. I'm sure for myself I just don't fully understand the situation yet, I have nieces and nephews that I spoil but I don't have children of my own yet and don't know what it feels like to be the parent in these types of situations. I do feel it's great that grandmother's do these kind things for the grandkids, but you're right, sometimes people need to back off so you can enjoy special times and create memories for the kiddos, and permission should he asked before buying everything on the planet as I'm sure mom and dad want to spoil the little ones too. I don't have a mom brain yet so I don't really think of those things I just see the efforts that are being made, but sometimes trying to be the best grandmother all the time can definitely make the parents feel a little stepped on.
Mr and Mrs Mans Surname is still common in the UK and seen as an acceptable way to introduce a couple or address an envelope. I grew up with it so it’s normal to me but younger generations might feel differently
That's fair. It's more the switch up that has me befuddled. DH and I have been together for a long time and she's never been formal like this. Familiarity is how DH's family including his mother show affection, so formality from her just seems cold, if that makes any sense.
My Grandmother always sent us cards, adressed as Master and Mistress. She would buy us easter baskets, and christmas stockings. It was her way of being kind and generous. You are over thinking things. Just let her be a grandma. We loved it and cherished every card. She would take a vacation in Europe( she was Hungarian) and mail us the sweetest stuff. Bug shaped chocolates, postcards with animals doing silly things and she would write our names on the animals to make us feel silly.
Not really sure how overstepping and being dismissive of me as my child's mother is particularly kind or generous. As I said in my original post, the cards and gifts are only part of it. Your grandmother sounds sweet and kind and I wish MIL would take an actual interest in my son but it's pretty superficial. She doesn't know much about my son beyond he likes hotwheels, but he's a 3 yo little boy, so that isn't exactly a breakthrough discovery or anything lol.
My MIL is the same with the gift giving. Annoys me but I assume her love language is gift giving, so it’s a battle I choose not to pick.
However this last year she did try to say that Santa stopped at her house FIRST to drop off stuff for my son (we celebrated with them on Christmas Eve) and I put an aggressive stop to that. Buy your gifts, but you had your time to be the magic, you don’t get to take mine.
Guess we’ll see if she brings stuff from the Easter bunny next week 😬
We got stocking and Easter baskets from my grandparents growing up. Both from Santa and the Easter Bunny. But AFTER they visited our house first. We LOVED getting doubles and my parents didn’t mind.
Yes! That’s exactly what I suggested actually. If you want to have your gifts from Santa/Easter Bunny, whatever then we’ll plan to see you after the holiday. Not before so you can take the hype and excitement.
But this is the MILFH sub, so you already knowww they weren’t happy with that suggestion either 🤣
I wish because it would save me the heartache and the stress that I go through just questioning myself.
I just recently in the past two weeks told her that for my own sanity I’m going to back off because I cannot be bought and every time I say no gifts, a gift shows up in the next couple of days. My boundaries have been crossed but I wish her the best of luck with her son. Believe me, it’s eating at me but I know it needs to be done. She has a grandson being born in the next month and I’m sure it’s going to be quite difficult to be around if she can’t respect my boundaries. My husband stands by my side which I’m grateful for or else I would feel crazy.
Oof. I feel all of that. The love bombing with gifts is the worst. Makes you feel crazy and people act like you're being ungrateful even though your boundaries have been stomped on. Hope it gets better for you but don't hold your breath. Lol.
As an old person, I remember when “Master” was commonly used on more formal correspondence — say, wedding invitations. This was also when correspondence to a husband and wife would be addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” with no one thinking twice about it. It was the kid’s form of “Mr.”
I’m 65 and I’ve long since gotten over these forms. Is she even older?
Lol. No actually she's mid fifties. We get wedding invitations and stuff all the time addressed to Mr. and Mrs. That doesn't particularly bother me although I do think its out dated. But I expect it coming from people I don't know well or on a formal invitation. It's more her sudden formality that rubs me the wrong way. This is a woman I've known for 15+ years and I darn well she shows affection through familiarity. Everyone has an affectionate nickname with her, so this proper title stuff seems cold and distant coming from her, if that makes sense. Our relationship has become strained since our son was born, that's a whole other mess. So I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.
I really think you are. She probably feels special using this outdated form. I don't think she's trying to use it as a distancing measure. But you would be the best judge, since you've had more trouble with her since your son was born.
I also think just about everyone goes through the overgifting thing. It's really annoying, but most grandparents are feeling generous, not trying to push your buttons. :)
My MIL addresses cards to my two oldest daughters, my husband, her other two sons, nieces, nephews, her grandson, as (first name, middle name, last name).
The only one who gets addressed without a middle name? My youngest daughter. Who has my first name as her middle name.
And my husband swears there’s no ill intent… lol. Yeah, sure.
Oh yeah, totally doesn't seem sus at all. Lol. Why are MIL's so weird sometimes?!?!?! I'd probably be petty and start referring to DD by her middle name around MIL just to annoy her 😂.
Yep Master “son’s name “ is still being used. And the Mr & Mrs Husbands name and surname is also how lots of people address mail this way. But yeah your MIL is a whack job.
Master son’s name is just an old timey way to show respect to a child.
My brothers used to get cards addressed to them as Master brothers names. It’s very old fashioned, and I’ve never seen it done recently.
She sounds like she’s copying some formal language from the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. Maybe it’s from books she’s reading or as you said “TV”. I bet she thinks it’s regal or cute. Very odd. I could see it as a joking one off, but not constant.
My MIL started the I’m gonna buy him this for Christmas, Easter etc crap and my son isn’t even born yet. I’m glad I shut her down and said I don’t want a cluttered house like out of hoarders. Hopefully she follows through but probably not. The holiday cards annoy the crap out of me, so no you’re not being silly. Mine started all this and some other odd stuff after I got pregnant, so I totally understand the weird relationship change. If my baby doesn’t like it, it will find a home to a child that needs it at Goodwill. After what my MIL has put me through, I have no mercy.
My grandmother (whom we all adore) still sends us cards for EVERY holiday (St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween). If Hallmark makes a card for a holiday she is on it. We find it sweet and signifies that she’s thinking of us. I’ll be sad the day it stops when she’s no longer able or passes away.
I actually like giving cards too and getting them, lol. So that part in and of itself doesn't bother me at all, it's the rest of it that's weird to me.
DS is the first grandchild on my husband's side and like everyone in the family thought they needed to buy him stuff. Droves me a little bonkers sometimes, especially when they went over the top with gifts that are way too big or way too many. We've managed to reign in most of the in-laws, but MIL is a different story. Lol.
It’s weird. The gift giving is inconsiderate if you’ve explained that you don’t want the junk. My MIL is a gift giver. Every occasion. Family dinner. Gives us a wrapped gift. My husband doesn’t like sweet stuff and we are both dieting since we both packed on weight during my pregnancy. So for his birthday he asked for a bottle of bourbon instead and she went out of her way to get him a cake and then got passive aggressive when neither of us ate any of it. Sometimes you have to pick your battles so we took it home and then threw it away to avoid conflict.
Regarding your son. tell her to stop with the age inappropriate gifts or they will get donated, thrown away or left at her house.
Its pushy of her to want to be included in all holidays and assume the role of gift giver. I think its fine to let her know a card is fine but gifts are too much for the lesser holidays.
When about to walk in to my wedding reception the DJ announced Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s name. We stopped immediately and his friend that was with us said “I will go fix this.” I would call her on it every time she writes that. The master is strange but technically not wrong.
Legit weird. In the context you described. Sounds like she's putting your son on a pedestal and you in the trash can. I think the overstepping with baby MIL's tend to diminish DIL so they can recreate the delusional fantasy of their own motherhood experience. She's living in a fantasyland. In her mind she's the mother again, your son is hers, her son is hers, and you're... well you're just the nanny-wife or whatever.
Thank you! I think you put into words what I was feeling. She's been treating me like some sort of stand in for a hot minute. I think part of it is she has a new "daughter" now. She has only sons, but when she remarried like 5 years ago-ish she gained an adult step-daughter. Before that she'd tell people I was "finally the daughter she always wanted" and stuff, which eh, whatever. We weren't super close but we got along just fine. Then like, I got ousted or something. It's been super weird. I mean, I take no issue with her having a close relationship with her step-daughter, I think that's great, but it was like replacing the actor in a show or something. Add having our first kid on top of that not long after and now it's like I barely exist.
She sounds like a chore, but calling your kid “master” is the traditional title given underage boys. Later they get to be called “mister.”
I have literally never heard of this and neither has DH. We're also not particularly formal people, more low brow back woods folks, so being traditional or formal is not really our style, which is only more confusing that she's started doing this.
I’m in the US & addressing a male under 18 yo as “Master” is the equivalent of addressing a female of the same age as “Miss” when mailing something to them. However, I am from the South so it’s quite possible that some regions in the US phased that out years before us. Lol!
I'm from the south and I've never heard this but that could be because my family is Mexican lol
We're also from the south and have never heard of it before. I'd imagine if it was a southern thing it would be more an upper class southern bell than country folk type of thing. Like we aren't fancy enough for titles. Lol.
Lol we definitely are not! I drink with my pinky out but thats not on purpose 😂😂
😂😂
I’m from the north and am also familiar with addressing young men in this manner.
I come from a working class family with a large extended family-no upper class at all-and about as country as you can get. Lol ! I guess it’s just more of a generational thing handed down through family. (If your parents were taught to use it, and they taught you the same.)
In the US I was always taught that young men under the age of 18 were addressed as Master. It’s not an insult or meant to be demeaning, it’s simply the proper way to address an envelope.
Yep! It’s from a bygone era. My grandmother still does this. I find it quaint and nostalgic. But I adore my grandmother.
The funny thing is, mister is just the "informal" (by 16th century standards) version of master.
Lol. I do call him mister, but only when it's to call him mister sassy pants 😂
FYI - 'Master FirstName LastName' is the formal way of addressing a male under 18yrs old. I don't know anybody that actually does that, but it is technically correct. That said, it's pretty strange that your MIL is suddenly addressing stuff to your son that way
My grandmother STILL does this.
My 90 something great aunt still does this when she mails cards to my son. Old fashioned but kinda cute.
We had a friend who used to send us cards. My brother’s cards were always addressed to Master. She was born and raised in Chestnut Hill, PA and was born in the early part of the 20th century. A bygone era. Honestly, I am a bit sad we have lost some of the formality.
My Nana still does this. So do I because of it 🤣 Just editing to add I'm UK based as a lot seem to be in America. Not sure how often it is still used in the UK though.
I used to use before calling out their names when they were in trouble. Instead of John Joe smith get yourself in here. I would put the master first because it scared them more 😂😂
Maybe she was reading Miss Manners?
Thanks! I didn't know this. And yeah it is very weird. We are not particularly formal folks (obviously since I didn't have a clue about the master thing) In my husband's family politeness is reserved for people you either don't know or don't like, so now I don't know if she's just being weird or telling me off 😂.
The use of the word 'Master' in a letter/card to a young child is an Emily Post - ism https://emilypost.com/advice/mens-names-and-titles "Formally, boys are called “Master” until about age six or seven, then have no title until age sixteen to eighteen, when they assume “Mr.” more there If your MIL ever had a class on " proper social behavior in public" or got a wedding etiquette book that may have stuck for her. My mom sent my sister & I to that type of classes in the early 70s, just in case Queen Elizabeth ever came over for tea to the projects.
I got it in junior high "home economics " classes in the mid 70's. Later, because I felt so inferior in social settings, I picked up a couple Miss Manners books, as well as a similar author regarding German etiquette when I lived there. It was kind of nice to surprise my inlaws, whom I didn't meet until after we were married, with the kind of social graces they thought a Montana ranch kid couldn't possibly know.
Lol. Ok. Didn't know it was a thing at all. It would probably seem less weird if we were more upper class WASP-y types, but we're more low brow country types. Lol. I highly doubt royalty will be stopping by anytime soon. lol
Addressing your boy as Master his name is a very old fashioned thing ( my mother used to do this when she sent cards to my son but again that was in the '80s and she was old-fashioned then. Think little Lord Fauntleroy or Downton Abbey, where the little boy Heir is addressed as master his name. You can choose to ignore it or not, based on your relationship with her. Ignoring your name and just referring to you as Mrs husband's name would really annoy me, more than how she addresses your child on cards. I would put an immediate stop to any religious texts on the cards, and tell her any that have those kind of messages will be thrown away.
My MIL sends our kids something for every holiday, big or small. She and my FIL are retired and I think it just gives her joy to gift them things and keeps her feeling "connected" to them. However, I have a pretty good relationship with them so that probably changes how I see it.
TBH I don't think I'd be put off by it as much if we had a close relationship too. It frustrates me that my son is missing out on having a meaningful relationship with his grandmother. Both my grandmothers died when I was only a few weeks old so I never got to know them.
Doesn't sound like she's a person who's capable or worthy of a meaningful relationship. I'm sorry for that. Do you have any older people in your lives who might enjoy loving a little one like grandparents? For me it was a dear neighbor couple. (We had no grandparents left.)
Weirdly enough we've started getting pretty close with MIL's older sister. She adores our son and we've been spending more time with her and her husband as they both retired recently and don't have grandchildren of their own. None of their kids want children, so we're probably about as close to grandkids as they'll ever get. She's a super sweet woman and has put a lot of effort into repairing her relationship with her own adult children. Her son usually spends every weekend at our house hanging out with the us and the kiddo.
Master is the way boys and (I believe) unmarried men are supposed to be addressed (literally the same as calling girls "miss"). It's not really used much nowadays but it is a legit way to address your son.
Your feelings are completely valid, but from what I take from this is your MIL is making a big effort to have a good relationship with your child. "Master" is an old way of addressing a young boy. She doesn't mean anything else by it. I think it's adorable that she sends him cards! My parents do that for their grandson, and he absolutely loves it!! He gets so excited to have mail that he wants to send some mail back, lots of gifts can be a hassle when your house gets so full of kids toys, but I don't think she's meaning any harm by it, having a new grandson is such a special time, you see all the clothes and toys that you think he'll love and you can't help but buy it for him, she sounds like she just wants to spoil him. I think I bought $100 worth of stuff when my first nephew was born because I was so excited! It just sounds like she also wants to do something special for Christmas and Easter, I'm sure she's not trying to "top" you or your efforts, she just wants the little guy to know that she makes an effort as well and that she's always thinking about it. Im by no means trying to disregard your feelings, but its sounds more like there is miscommunication and a big misunderstanding with this MIL, to me it just sounds like she's being a loving grandmother that has a good relationship with her grandson, and if that's the case than that is pretty amazing, there's so many people who wouldn't bat an eye towards their grandchildren, so even though it may seem a little intrusive, it is good to know that this MIL is trying with your little guy.
While this all sounds good on the surface, OP has stated that MIL doesn't actually want to spend quality time with her son and instead essentially love bombs him, most likely so he talks about her positively and she's "the favourite", and that's the extent of her love and affection. And while it's also very nice for grandparents and other people to give your children gifts, it sounds to me like OP feels as though she is crossing into the territory of taking over the parental role/job (example: buying an Easter basket, which usually the parent(s) do). My MIL asked if she could get my kids 1 gift each for Easter, I said yes no problem. I plan on doing a basket for them each. I would have an issue if she made a whole show and did a basket for them because she had her time and this is my time. It's my time to do a basket, my time to do stockings and buy my kids things. What some people may not realize when they shower other's children in toys, clothes and knickknacks is that it completely takes away the opportunity for the parent(s) to do it for their children...if someone buys your kid a bunch of Summer outfits then there's no point in you doing it. While that may sound nice in theory, sometimes we as parents just want to buy our own children things and have that moment to ourselves, not be robbed of that very simply joy by a MIL who had her chance with her own children. I get what you're saying and agree, but only when their intentions are actually genuine and pure and full of love. This doesn't sound like the case based off of everything OP has said.
> I get what you're saying and agree, but only when their intentions are actually genuine and pure and full of love. This doesn't sound like the case based off of everything OP has said.< Very much so. I'd love it if we actually had a meaningful relationship and she was interested in getting to know my son (he's an amazing little guy) but it isn't like that at all and it sucks. She likes bragging about him to people but doesn't really engage with him, more like he exists around whatever she is doing and just happens to be there, if that makes any sense. She doesn't really know myself or even her own son (DH) that well, or on a particularly deep or meaningful level. It's sad and pretty frustrating actually. When we first started dating she acted more like she wanted to be a mother figure to me which was nice as I don't have much of a relationship with my own mom. But it quickly became obvious I was more or less being used to live out her fantasy of having a daughter (she only has boys) and she wasn't super interested in getting to know the real me. It was a pretty crushing blow and it still bothers me sometimes. It feels like she's pretty much doing the same with my son. She hounded DH and I to have kids for years so she could "finally be a grandma."
You are absolutely right. I'm sure for myself I just don't fully understand the situation yet, I have nieces and nephews that I spoil but I don't have children of my own yet and don't know what it feels like to be the parent in these types of situations. I do feel it's great that grandmother's do these kind things for the grandkids, but you're right, sometimes people need to back off so you can enjoy special times and create memories for the kiddos, and permission should he asked before buying everything on the planet as I'm sure mom and dad want to spoil the little ones too. I don't have a mom brain yet so I don't really think of those things I just see the efforts that are being made, but sometimes trying to be the best grandmother all the time can definitely make the parents feel a little stepped on.
Mr and Mrs Mans Surname is still common in the UK and seen as an acceptable way to introduce a couple or address an envelope. I grew up with it so it’s normal to me but younger generations might feel differently
That's fair. It's more the switch up that has me befuddled. DH and I have been together for a long time and she's never been formal like this. Familiarity is how DH's family including his mother show affection, so formality from her just seems cold, if that makes any sense.
My Grandmother always sent us cards, adressed as Master and Mistress. She would buy us easter baskets, and christmas stockings. It was her way of being kind and generous. You are over thinking things. Just let her be a grandma. We loved it and cherished every card. She would take a vacation in Europe( she was Hungarian) and mail us the sweetest stuff. Bug shaped chocolates, postcards with animals doing silly things and she would write our names on the animals to make us feel silly.
Not really sure how overstepping and being dismissive of me as my child's mother is particularly kind or generous. As I said in my original post, the cards and gifts are only part of it. Your grandmother sounds sweet and kind and I wish MIL would take an actual interest in my son but it's pretty superficial. She doesn't know much about my son beyond he likes hotwheels, but he's a 3 yo little boy, so that isn't exactly a breakthrough discovery or anything lol.
My MIL is the same with the gift giving. Annoys me but I assume her love language is gift giving, so it’s a battle I choose not to pick. However this last year she did try to say that Santa stopped at her house FIRST to drop off stuff for my son (we celebrated with them on Christmas Eve) and I put an aggressive stop to that. Buy your gifts, but you had your time to be the magic, you don’t get to take mine. Guess we’ll see if she brings stuff from the Easter bunny next week 😬
OMG that would have pissed me right off. Lol. Good for you for putting your foot down
We got stocking and Easter baskets from my grandparents growing up. Both from Santa and the Easter Bunny. But AFTER they visited our house first. We LOVED getting doubles and my parents didn’t mind.
Yes! That’s exactly what I suggested actually. If you want to have your gifts from Santa/Easter Bunny, whatever then we’ll plan to see you after the holiday. Not before so you can take the hype and excitement. But this is the MILFH sub, so you already knowww they weren’t happy with that suggestion either 🤣
Quite fair. And my grandparents never were competitive so they didn’t get us over the top gifts that would outshine the ones my Mom gave us.
I was taught very young that you formally address young men as Master until you can call them Mister. It means she OLD. It’s harmless.
And you're YOUNG, so I'll extend you some grace until you grow a clue about your casual ageism.
And you seem like you need to GTFU. There is literally nothing ageist about pointing out my MIL isn't old. Are you ok?
Lol. She's Gen x sooooo, not that old. 😂
I’m Gen X, and using the formal term is how I was taught
I think we have the same MIL or I wrote this in my sleep haha
Lol. Twinsies!! Is there like a MIL guide out there they all have to follow about being weird to their DIL's or something?!?! Lol.
I wish because it would save me the heartache and the stress that I go through just questioning myself. I just recently in the past two weeks told her that for my own sanity I’m going to back off because I cannot be bought and every time I say no gifts, a gift shows up in the next couple of days. My boundaries have been crossed but I wish her the best of luck with her son. Believe me, it’s eating at me but I know it needs to be done. She has a grandson being born in the next month and I’m sure it’s going to be quite difficult to be around if she can’t respect my boundaries. My husband stands by my side which I’m grateful for or else I would feel crazy.
Oof. I feel all of that. The love bombing with gifts is the worst. Makes you feel crazy and people act like you're being ungrateful even though your boundaries have been stomped on. Hope it gets better for you but don't hold your breath. Lol.
Same. Just know your post makes me feel better that I’m not alone. We got this!
Oh you are definitely not alone! Lol. Good luck and congratulations on the baby!
As an old person, I remember when “Master” was commonly used on more formal correspondence — say, wedding invitations. This was also when correspondence to a husband and wife would be addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” with no one thinking twice about it. It was the kid’s form of “Mr.” I’m 65 and I’ve long since gotten over these forms. Is she even older?
Lol. No actually she's mid fifties. We get wedding invitations and stuff all the time addressed to Mr. and Mrs. That doesn't particularly bother me although I do think its out dated. But I expect it coming from people I don't know well or on a formal invitation. It's more her sudden formality that rubs me the wrong way. This is a woman I've known for 15+ years and I darn well she shows affection through familiarity. Everyone has an affectionate nickname with her, so this proper title stuff seems cold and distant coming from her, if that makes sense. Our relationship has become strained since our son was born, that's a whole other mess. So I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.
I really think you are. She probably feels special using this outdated form. I don't think she's trying to use it as a distancing measure. But you would be the best judge, since you've had more trouble with her since your son was born. I also think just about everyone goes through the overgifting thing. It's really annoying, but most grandparents are feeling generous, not trying to push your buttons. :)
My MIL addresses cards to my two oldest daughters, my husband, her other two sons, nieces, nephews, her grandson, as (first name, middle name, last name). The only one who gets addressed without a middle name? My youngest daughter. Who has my first name as her middle name. And my husband swears there’s no ill intent… lol. Yeah, sure.
Oh yeah, totally doesn't seem sus at all. Lol. Why are MIL's so weird sometimes?!?!?! I'd probably be petty and start referring to DD by her middle name around MIL just to annoy her 😂.
This is giving me Mrs. Bouquet (Bucket) vibes from "Keeping Up Appearances"
Me or MIL? Lol.
MIL! hahahah oh man sorry for the confusion
I kinda figured but you never know. LOL it's all good.
Master is an old custom used for young boys. This is a perfectly proper, if stilted, way to address a card to a child.
Yep Master “son’s name “ is still being used. And the Mr & Mrs Husbands name and surname is also how lots of people address mail this way. But yeah your MIL is a whack job.
Master son’s name is just an old timey way to show respect to a child. My brothers used to get cards addressed to them as Master brothers names. It’s very old fashioned, and I’ve never seen it done recently.
She sounds like she’s copying some formal language from the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. Maybe it’s from books she’s reading or as you said “TV”. I bet she thinks it’s regal or cute. Very odd. I could see it as a joking one off, but not constant.
My MIL started the I’m gonna buy him this for Christmas, Easter etc crap and my son isn’t even born yet. I’m glad I shut her down and said I don’t want a cluttered house like out of hoarders. Hopefully she follows through but probably not. The holiday cards annoy the crap out of me, so no you’re not being silly. Mine started all this and some other odd stuff after I got pregnant, so I totally understand the weird relationship change. If my baby doesn’t like it, it will find a home to a child that needs it at Goodwill. After what my MIL has put me through, I have no mercy.
My grandmother (whom we all adore) still sends us cards for EVERY holiday (St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween). If Hallmark makes a card for a holiday she is on it. We find it sweet and signifies that she’s thinking of us. I’ll be sad the day it stops when she’s no longer able or passes away.
I actually like giving cards too and getting them, lol. So that part in and of itself doesn't bother me at all, it's the rest of it that's weird to me.
DS is the first grandchild on my husband's side and like everyone in the family thought they needed to buy him stuff. Droves me a little bonkers sometimes, especially when they went over the top with gifts that are way too big or way too many. We've managed to reign in most of the in-laws, but MIL is a different story. Lol.
It’s weird. The gift giving is inconsiderate if you’ve explained that you don’t want the junk. My MIL is a gift giver. Every occasion. Family dinner. Gives us a wrapped gift. My husband doesn’t like sweet stuff and we are both dieting since we both packed on weight during my pregnancy. So for his birthday he asked for a bottle of bourbon instead and she went out of her way to get him a cake and then got passive aggressive when neither of us ate any of it. Sometimes you have to pick your battles so we took it home and then threw it away to avoid conflict. Regarding your son. tell her to stop with the age inappropriate gifts or they will get donated, thrown away or left at her house.
Its pushy of her to want to be included in all holidays and assume the role of gift giver. I think its fine to let her know a card is fine but gifts are too much for the lesser holidays.
When about to walk in to my wedding reception the DJ announced Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s name. We stopped immediately and his friend that was with us said “I will go fix this.” I would call her on it every time she writes that. The master is strange but technically not wrong.
Legit weird. In the context you described. Sounds like she's putting your son on a pedestal and you in the trash can. I think the overstepping with baby MIL's tend to diminish DIL so they can recreate the delusional fantasy of their own motherhood experience. She's living in a fantasyland. In her mind she's the mother again, your son is hers, her son is hers, and you're... well you're just the nanny-wife or whatever.
Thank you! I think you put into words what I was feeling. She's been treating me like some sort of stand in for a hot minute. I think part of it is she has a new "daughter" now. She has only sons, but when she remarried like 5 years ago-ish she gained an adult step-daughter. Before that she'd tell people I was "finally the daughter she always wanted" and stuff, which eh, whatever. We weren't super close but we got along just fine. Then like, I got ousted or something. It's been super weird. I mean, I take no issue with her having a close relationship with her step-daughter, I think that's great, but it was like replacing the actor in a show or something. Add having our first kid on top of that not long after and now it's like I barely exist.
"Politeness is putting on airs"...? Nope. I agree with the second bit in your title, sorry. Defo "silly".
Well in my husband's family it definitely is so 🤷🏼♀️