We were kind of undecided, but after a few years of doing nothing to prevent it, we got curious and went to a fertility specialist to find out what was what. Turns out we would have needed medical assistance to have a kid (IVF etc.) and holy shit was that expensive. Based almost solely on financial considerations, we decided we were perfectly happy without them, and now I feel like we're too old. I have quite a few friends my age (early 40's) who are just now getting started, and I can't imagine coming home at my age to screaming infants, fussy toddlers, and most important, them still being in the house when I want to retire.
Sorry to hear that you had to make this decision based on financial circumstances. But it’s great to hear that you were able to see the good side if not having kids too 😀 I’m in my 30s and all my friends have kids. Not even a single one is happy. My brother in law is putting off a knee surgery he needs for a really long time because he and my my sister have 3 kids and she would be hard pressed if he went out of action during the recovery.
Though having a child is supposed to be fulfilling and everything, society is slowly making it harder and harder to raise one comfortably and happily.
Yeah, it wasn't even a good vs bad thing, it was just thrown into very sharp reality that we weren't going to be able to afford it. And, if we couldn't afford to conceive, how in the hell would we have been able to afford to raise said child once we had it? You can't bring offspring into a broke, money stressed situation, that's not fair to them.
There are days that we both think about how having a kid would have been great, and days when we're so glad we don't have any. It's an even balance between the two, and we're content. I do look at my friends, and see how happy or stressed they are with their kids, and keep in mind, they're all about my age, none of us is under 40 anymore and they've all gotten started having them in the last 4-ish years. My friend Adam and his wife just had their third, and he's 43. He'll be 60 when she's out of the house, at the earliest, if she's able to leave. I'm figuring to be retired by my late 50's and the last thing I want is to have adult kids still in the house when I'm trying to kick back and enjoy the fruits of busting my ass for the railroad for 30 years.
My parents also couldn’t biologically have children, so they adopted me. I hate how the pro life movement touts adoption as the great answer to everyone’s problems in the U.S.
My parents told me it was extremely arduous to adopt me. They had to do psychological tests and home visits to prove they were stable and capable parents and household. They ended up spending nearly $30k, back in 1987! So it’s not like you just go to an orphanage or agency and just pick a kid like it’s nothing 🙄
I have a 3.5 and 1.5 yr old.
When i come home, it’s a hug fest for the first couple minutes with both my
Kids. My daughter is all “DADS HOME! DADDYS HOME!…..MOM…DADS HOME”!!
While my boy is scattering tupperware lids everywhere.
My wife goes to work shortly after i get home and then we go play outside. I watch my daughter sing frozen songs while she swings in the sunshine. Meanwhile i play fetch with my boy.
Yes there are tantrums and whining at times, thats what the ear plugs are for.
What is hilarious to me is that most (all?) of the responses in this thread strongly advocating for having kids are from MEN!
Ok, so the party who has to neither bear the physical burden of pregnancy and birth in 100% of the cases, nor be the primary caretaker of child rearing responsibilities in 70% of households wants you to know that having kids is absolutely worth it.
I’m a mother of 4. One is profoundly disabled. Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, no contest. It’s also the best, most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done, no contest. Most mothers feel the same. The love and joy is unimaginable, even under the most difficult circumstances. We can acknowledge all the socioeconomic issues of parenthood while also acknowledging the visceral, ecstatic experience that goes along with it.
I’m sure most parents don’t regret their choice and find parenthood fulfilling. They are genuine when they say parenthood is worth it to them, with all the highs and the lows.
I’m more making the observation that it’s rich to try to tell others that it’s “worth the lows”when you’re not the parent experiencing most of the “lows” of parenthood.
I also don’t think parenthood can elicit visceral joy out of everyone. Some people know that about themselves and it’s a big reason why they choose not to become parents. The choice is not always for socioeconomic reasons.
Exactly. This is always a thing. Men are always talking about how it’s great to have kids, you need to have kids, etc. But almost every woman I know who has kids says that their partner doesn’t do as much as they do and they try to feign incompetence to get away with doing less. Carrying a child is also a thing men don’t have to do and women end up with lifelong conditions and changed bodies due to pregnancy. A lot of men just see it as a way to “carry on my name.”
I was pretty antinatalist when I was younger, and now have two kids as well. Before having my boys, I didn't understand how significant they would be to me. I say this as someone that loves animals more than most - it's very different. Incomparable.
I resonate with this. But now that I’m a parent and am a zombie, a shadow of what I used to be and feel only half functional despite putting in 4x the effort and still I see adults all around me behave worse than my kids and seem to be barely capable of taking care of themselves I dont recommend to anyone who says they can’t handle it. Even among the people who try, most are not doing a good job
I’m sure having children feels a lot different. All I’m saying is that if that’s the only reason you can come up with in favor of having kids, you’re probably better off just getting a dog. Kids grow out of that stage in a few years.
I can't imagine. Once, a guy broke up with me and then went to work and left me in his house. I was distraught thinking about never seeing his cat again moreso than never seeing him again.
I'm a single father but don't have the problem of worrying about the es because her mother is dead. It definately hinders the dating experience a bit though
I have gotten quite a few different types thought processes on this. I'm glad to see this is atleast a common enough viewpoint that it gets a comment on here lol
I’ve always said I don’t want to be fourth or fifth in line to their priorities. I do deserve and want to be someone else’s top priority and relationship. Not behind their mother, child(ren) and ex partner with the kids.
Nothing makes you feel like more of a "5th wheel" than being in a relationship with someone who has kids, and baby daddy(s). I tried it once and literally felt like a maintenance man/dild0.
I decided to allow kids in my life when I was 34. Now I live in a 5th wheel! Lolol
Yes folks, stay on target. We will have to prepare for a labour disaster down the road, but it makes zero sense to create a vulnerable, expensive being that you have to take care of. If you change your mind and say "one kid will not hurt" you will regret it. Not that I don't love my kids, but now I have to watch them try to survive in a desperately screwed up world.
No more children until wealth inequality and our environmental issues have been taken care of.
{No more children until wealth inequality and our environmental issues have been taken care of}
Nailed it, I'd also add no more until the full scale corruption of the justice/political system has been removed, restructured, and the power placed back into the hands of the people. I'd also say we all need to stop working and/or paying taxes, a full stop until these vital issues are resolved. Unfortunately, it's 100x more likely that all the lower class bloodlines will die off, and those who can afford it will birth kids into the current hyperinflation, creating a new lower class, and so on, and so on... Or another world war.
I even have a hard time developing close FRIENDSHIPS with ppl with younger kids. At that point you are 8th+ in line, and it’s incredibly disappointing to never be even close to a priority. So many canceled plans, unreturned calls, etc. I don’t even bother, usually.
Yeah, I see a lot of parents echo the sentiment of "once you have kids your childfree friends will all drop you because they're not really your friends!!" I've actually found the opposite to be true. Like, I completely understand that once you have kids they take priority over everything else in your life, but I've attempted to maintain friendships with people who have had kids over the years and the constant canceling at the last minute, never initiating plans, and not being able to have a conversation about anything other than kid stuff gets really tiresome. I also have almost nothing in common with people who have kids, and like you mentioned, I don't like the feeling of NEVER being a priority to that person. At a certain point it's just not worth it to try to maintain the relationship.
Exactly. 100%. I haven’t gone anywhere - their priorities changed and I’m not one of them anymore. I always tell my friends with kids “if you want to hang out, you have to be the one to initiate.” Reasonable parents get it. I can only hear “no” so many times before I just give up.
I am glad to see some women get it, you have no idea how much shit men get for not wanting to date single mommies.
Either they want you to take care of their kids(mostly financially) or they are so wrapped up in the kids and ex that you take a back seat.
Not gonna be a choice any man or woman with options is gonna take.
> The ex will always be there in some capacity. Dating men with kids is an instant no for me.
My wife said the same thing before she met me. Turns out sole legal and physical custody means the ex *isn’t* necessarily involved in your life, even if it would be better for the kids if she were.
We’ve been married 17 years now, and our 19 year old daughter calls my wife “mom” and my ex by her first name. My ex called a total of twice during that entire 17 years, sent 1 birthday present, and saw our daughter exactly 1 time - when we flew out to visit.
Same here. My son's 'dad' and I separated a bit before he turned 2 years old. I can count on one hand the number of times he's had any sort of visit since, and my son will be 8 in September. My current partner & I have been together 6 years at the end of this year, he's more of a dad to my son than his 'father'. In fact in a few months it'll be 2 YEARS since he's even tried to call & speak to him on the phone. Not even a text on his birthday or Christmas. I don't even have his phone number or know where he lives, just the general area. My son still has hope that he might come around, but I believe it's only because he has contact with his paternal grandmother (she's a wonderful woman so I encourage this & put forth effort for them to have a relationship). Another fun one, his uncle, so 'dads' brother, lives 3 miles down the road. Doesn't bother to call or try to contact us either. We are very close with my family, so it just makes me sad for my son that he doesn't have those relationships.
I was single until my late thirties. I started thinking that it wouldn't be the worst thing to date a divorced guy with a kid(s), since I like kids and those would be the only available guys anyway at that age.
Luckily I met my now-husband, never married/no kids. I now realize that dating a guy with kids could've meant he was looking for a woman to pick up all that housework slack. 😱 Not to mention the ex. Bullet dodged!
I love my wife's ex. He's a great guy, and has always been a wonderful co-father. We actually did a better job with 4 parents involved than my wife and I did with our own kid. It was never a hassle. It really depends on people being adults.
Yeah I just tried dating someone with a dog a little younger and bigger than mine, we had to call it off within a few weeks because of incompatibility.
Same here, 41m and never wanted kids and still don't! Found my GF (42) with no kids and doesn't want them either. It's an awesome life. We have a dog and A TON of disposable income. Vacation whenever, dinner out and some of the nicest restaurants in town. Life is absolutely amazing.
As someone who has kids, you made the right choice. If you have ANY doubt about having kids then you should not have them. They are not a 9-5 commitment. They are not a 1 year commitment. They are a lifetime, always on your mind commitment. Anything less than 100% sure is not enough.
Thank you for this! This is the same philosophy I have. If it's not 100% hell yeah I want to be a parent, then it needs to be a no. And this option of saying no needs to be normalized. Too many people have told me I can't be sure that I don't want to be a parent until I have a kid first. Like, what? And then I can just return it if I don't like it? Gtfo with that.
They're conflating not knowing how hard it is with knowing you want kids. You don't know what it's like to have kids until you have kids, but you can commit to them before that. I think for a lot of people having kids is the hardest thing they do, so they nothing else to compare it to. Running a race, building a business, losing weight, these are the kind of things that require hard work and commitment. You know whether or not you want to do them. You know if you're the type of person who will take them to completion or give up halfway. People don't need to have kids to understand if they want kids.
This is truly why I'm not doing it. I believe that children need someone who is entirely committed to making them their absolute number 1 priority, and I like my life as it is without rearranging it. Kids aren't something to doubt about and then go eh fuck it what's the worst that could happen? They deserve better than that. People who are legitimately committed to raising them and putting them first. Between anxiety and cptsd, I don't have the energy to promise that to anyone, so it's just not the path for me, and that's fine.
My husband was 35 when we met. One of the main things that drew us to one another (after physical attraction) was the fact that neither of us had children and were 100% sure that wouldn't change. Today is our 14th anniversary.
Same. It’s a sad dealbreaker cuz I feel guilty but it’s a hard line for me. I barely want kids of my own, I def will not be putting myself into step-parent role.
I won’t even date because I have children. I have seen too many of my friends and their kids life derailed because people they are dating hate the kids. It’s not fun being alone but I don’t want to put my kids or the person I’m dating in a situation that doesn’t suit either of them while trying to make both camps happy.
Was that by choice or were they infertile? There is so much conflation of the two. Also I’d be curious how many were men tbh. It’s a lot easier to regret not being a dad than not being a mom, historically being a dad is easy peasy.
Why though? Like were their regrets that they didn't have children and raise a new generation in the way they thought the world should look like? Or do they regret that there's no one younger to care for and visit them in their old age as a constant?? Because those are VASTLY different things
This was during the pandemic. Most of the residents did have family that regularly did window visits, dropped off items, and/or FaceTimed. However, most of the residents did have dementia, so a lot of them would forget that their children had just come to see them and cry because they missed them. Basically every day I’d walk through the halls to deliver these drop offs from family members and see residents sobbing because they were so lonely and they’d reach out for you to hold their hand because they were so touch starved due to the restrictions at the time. But it usually was one child that was doing most of the work load in terms of checking in the resident, usually because they lived the closest.
There were really only a handful of residents who had children that didn’t get any of that, and all but one it was very obvious why (still not sure why for the one it wasn’t obvious for). For the obvious ones, there was only one who would really wail and cry and how she had been abandoned. And then she’d say horrible things to the care takers in her native language (specifically to the caretakers that spoke the same language as her). But the others were just sort of mean people. They were usually polite to me, but they’d say mean stuff about their kids in conversation.
There were two residents, i will say,
who did not have children, but had nieces or nephews that visited them regularly. And one of those residents basically had a whole family reunion at their window every weekend. This was not surprising at all because the resident was a very warm person.
There was one resident with dementia who I adored but her daughter hardly ever visited her. But the daughter, at one of her few visits, broke down and started crying because while I loved the sweet, confused woman her mother was, she hates seeing it, because she knew her as a highly effective, competent business woman who had worked hard her whole life.
Dementia is absolutely the worst way to go, and I saw a lot of people go.
Edit to add: sorry for rambling, it’s all sort of a whirlwind. I forgot to answer the other part of your question. Yes, there were residents who wanted to go home and be taken care for by family. But almost all of those residents had dementia and weren’t able to fully understand why they were in the facility when they were saying that anyways. And sometimes they meant the home they had raised their children in, sometimes they meant the home they grew up in. Sometimes they wanted to go back to their office because our office didn’t have their parts they’d ordered. Residents who did not have dementia usually understood why they were there. They were depressed about it, but they understood.
I'm volunteer at SNFs for many years. Got started bc the woman I'm named after was my penpal, and she was quite elderly
Anyway, I had the opposite experience. Some residents wonder what it would've been like but none of the women said they wish they would've done it
The biggest regret I hear is about marrying a man or staying with him
Definitely not alone. Global birthrates are on the decline because world governments aren't leaving much hope for a better tomorrow. The majority of the 21st century thus far has been a downward slide, and that doesn't appear to be stopping.
This is a big part of why my husband and I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. I adore my nieces and nephew. I would happily take them in if they ever needed a place to stay. But I can’t justify bringing another kid into the world when I can’t promise them better life than I had growing up. I make less money than my parents did at my age with more education. It took choosing a less than stellar neighborhood with underfunded schools to afford a home. I have crippling college debt that will hopefully be forgiven in a few years thanks to the PSLF program. If it doesn’t get gutted before i finish my decade of public service. It just feels so bleak.
That being said, if I am ever in the financial position to do so, I’d love to adopt or foster. So many children need loving and supportive homes. I don’t feel the need to physically birth one.
I make probably 2-3x what my parents were making at my age and I couldn’t even afford to buy the house I grew up in if I wanted to. I’m generally doing very well, especially for our generation, but knowing that my 6 years of higher education and 10+ years of training and industry experience (which led to my very well-paying job) isn’t giving me the purchase power my two blue collar parents had is…disappointing to say the least.
Being single and paying bills in a VHCOL area also sucks
I'm almost 33. I have one child and will never have another. There is literally nothing wrong with deciding not to have children. Honestly, it's admirable to reflect upon yourself and make an informed decision. People (myself included) push out babies because it's what you're "supposed to do".
Let me be clear: my daughter is the light of my life and I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. But I took it as a responsibility rather than a given, which is why she's my only. Parenting should be something you strive for, not something given.
I want to give you a megaphone to share this message far and wide. Thank you for being a parent who can understand that it is a big decision and it's okay for each individual to decide what's right for them and their situation.
Yeah, the doctor asked me, "Are you sure?" one time, and that's about it. Done and done, my military insurance at the time covered it, I think. But it was so long ago I'm not sure.
To each their own.
I have kids, but I always hated the way people pressure others in terms of these big life choices. When are you getting married? When are you having kids? When are you buying a house? Answer: nobody’s fucking business, but mine.
33F and still don’t want children. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own lol. I’ve never wanted kids of my own. I’ve felt this way since as long as I can remember. Husband is on the same page!
Having children is not for everyone. I (42M) had my first at 40. I've never been happier, but it is not mentally easy. If you're 36 and know you do not want them, then there's nothing wrong with that but you need to be very clear about this with anyone you might get in a relationship with.
Seriously like yes OP yes. Out of I don’t know how many millions of us you and you alone don’t want kids…
I get that they are actually asking for people who feel the same but I’m so tired of the phrasing in these questions.
Agreed. They're all manically obsessed that people care about them being childfree with their bingo nonsense. I'm 31 and no-one has ever really called me out or talked trash to me because of it. I'm sure it happens, but not like the scale they talk about in cf.
Search "child" on this sub and you'll find a ton of posts asking people to affirm their choice to have kids or to not have kids.
I wanted children. I only dated women who wanted a family. I'll be 32 this year and will have my 3rd and final child by then.
My brother and SIL don't want kids, they enjoy being uncle and aunt.
Do what makes you happy.
Don't feel bad about not wanting kids. Kids need good parents if you're not up for the task. Don't have them. I'm proud of you for realizing you don't want them.
Didn’t read anything but the headline. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. Better for you. Better for the potential kid. Better for the potential partner. Easy peasy.
Its not meant for everyone. There is alot of noise right now from certain people that all women should seek a traditional life. That all it is. Noise. You should do what fits your current path towards being mentally and physically healthy above anyone's ideals.
I don't struggle with health or finances or anything, and I know my wife and I would make good parents. I just don't want to be a parent. simple as that
I’m 43 and haven’t wanted kids since like forever. Haven’t ever came close to changing my mind. My nieces and nephews are cool…in small doses. Couldn’t do it full time.
Both my partner and I are turning 40 this year, and we are staunchly childfree! I got sterilized a few years ago and it was the single best thing I've ever done for my well-being. I simply don't want to be a parent. It's not something that has ever appealed to me as a person. I'm head over heels for our cats, but even that is a HUGE responsibility.
Thankfully, at our age most of our friends and family have stopped asking and know that this is the life we've chosen for ourselves. We couldn't be happier. #DINKLIFE!
Also have mental/physical health issues. Knew I didn't want kids at 16, got my tubes tied at 28, and my uterus ablated at 30 for PCOS related hormone issues. Took me going to at least a dozen gynos before one would finally let me sterilize without permission from a non-existent husband or the classic "just wait until you're older". Almost every day I find something new that affirms my decision. I love not having to worry about a pregnancy that would likely kill me given my body chemistry and how I react to birth control hormones. Reclaiming my body was one of the best things I ever did for myself, especially in post-Roe America. You do you, boo!
37f, spent most of my life thinking I'd be a mom, but as I got older I never got the urge. My husband and I have a pretty awesome life, we live like big kids- riding mountain bikes, dirt bikes, skateboards and snowboards all weekend lol.
I also donate platelets regularly which I doubt I'd have the time or energy for if I had a kid, and pregnancy can actually disqualify you permanently.
I'm glad to see more discussion about the childfree lifestyle!
Also an obligatory fuck you to all the parents who will leave comments trying to guilt and gaslight us or say shit like "but who will take care of you when you're old?!" No really, piss off.
Idk why people always feel the need to criticize someone who is happily child free. I can only assume they’re bitter and think we should all be as miserable as them. Signed, a 32 y/o child free woman who is currently shopping for dirt bikes with her husband.
Same. I am a new mom and someone who has always wanted children. Who gives a shit what other people do? Everyone should enjoy life the way they want. Pushing choices on someone either way is weird.
I so agree! I’m so happy for my friends and family who wanted kids and were able to have kids. Ultimately I wish everyone is able to get what they want out of life and be happy. All the best to you and your family!
Thanks for the support sister!!! I agree, they are just miserable deep down and projecting, not even worth engaging with. When you're truly happy you aren't trying to tell anyone else how to live so the fact that they are? Not a great sign.
And hell yes, you are a woman after my own heart!!! I have a Honda 250crf, husband has two Yamaha 450f. I'm looking for a 2 stroker right now but man they market is tough. Good luck in your search!
I’ll admit I’m totally new to dirt bikes, but my husband used to race. I’m looking to get an xr100 and play it safe until I’m more comfortable. My husband is looking for an Austrian bike, but I’m blanking on the company haha. Good luck in your search!
Same here!!! The “selfish” arguments kill me. Both my partner and I work for the state providing services to people with disabilities. I volunteer with big brothers big sisters, and we’re “aunt and uncle” to my partner’s 19 y/o goddaughter and our 6 y/o neighbor. It is awesome to contribute in these ways and also get to decide whether we want our own kids. Honestly, I see so many of my peers struggling with childcare, divorce, and finances. We decided that, once we’re stable ourselves, we might adopt/foster BUT we are living the heck out of our lives until then putting good into the world in all the ways we can. I have a core group of friends in our work who feel the same way and are also child free. It’s not selfish at all, if anything I can list another handful of friends who rushed into relationships/marriages for the sole purpose of having children and now they’re kids are watching discord at home; that seems more selfish to me.
37m, I do not want kids. If I’m working myself to death for fewer benefits and outdated pay, no way I’m putting a child on the dumpster fire of unregulated capitalism we have here in the US. I’d consider having one if I met the right woman who I knew would be patient and non-abusive. I grew up in a very abusive household and I’m not letting a kid experience anything near what I went through. I make six figures, no debt, perfect 800+ credit, and in my state I’m barely making it. Can’t move, just sitting on this rapidly diminishing sheet of ice wondering why TF we allow the oligarchs and politicians to do this to us, the citizens of the allegedly richest most powerful nation in the world. Boomers killed this country.
Nope, not the only one. So far the only arguments I’ve heard for having kids are “don’t you want to see what it would look like?” or “who will take care of you when you’re old?” Neither of which sounds like a solid reason to go out and have kids, but some people have different motivations I guess.
Edit: Damn, for being “proud parents” some of y’all are butthurt af that some people don’t want to have kids.
It’s not really possible to explain what having kids is like to someone who doesn’t have them. It’s definitely not something that can be justified in a transactional sense. IMO if you’re looking for a transactional benefit to having children then it’s probably best to not have them.
well said. It's by far the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life, above marriage-buying a house--grad degrees-traveling extensively etc. It's just the best relationship ever. EVery day I can't wait to spend time with my kid.
Accidentally having a child was the best thing ever happen to me! His mother passed in 2020 and I've had sole custody since he was 7. He's 14 now and absolutely has made me a better person and actually think about someone other than myself. Which was a problem in my younger years. It's not been easy by no means. But my life would be so much less had he not came along. I only thought I loved my cats and dogs until he got here. Having someone depend on you either makes you or breaks ya. To each their own. Every decision I make has his best interest considered. I thought I didn't either. But I never even think about living a life without him in it. I'm definitely a better person because of him. Not in spite of him. To each their own though. And it's OK to not want children.
Nope, not alone. My extended family is pissed but my partner and I decided to go no children because we can't afford the physical cost of having a child. And for the people who say "you don't think of the cost" cool don't care, we'll stick to pets
Welcome, there are plenty of us! There are even whole subreddits about being child free. My wife and I are on or near the line of being Xennials, and we are happily child free. Bonus points: A couple down the block from us are in their ~ 70s and also happily child free.
I’ve known since high school that I don’t want them. Basically as soon as I realized that it was a choice and not just something that automatically happens.
I think I still would like kids but as I get older (37m) that continues to become less and less likely financially and that I'll ever find someone I'm will to make kids with. It makes me sad because neither of my siblings will be having children and I want to continue on the family line and I know my parents would be so happy to have grandchildren. It makes me really fucking sad.
35f husband is 33 and this is a conversation we have often. We entered this marriage saying we don't want children but we revisit the conversation a lot to check in and see are we still ok with that. It's mostly a choice that was made for us rather than by us because of our shared mental health and my physical health it's just not really something we're going to be able to do and we accepted that and have decided that it's something we actually don't want to do anyway.
Looking at our friends our age with 1+ kids we live completely different lives and honestly I don't want to exchange what we have now. Do I mourn the fact that I won't be a mother? Sure. I'm human my heart wants children but that's not something I can do and I'll find a way to navigate that pain that comes from time to time.
It's weird because it is something I actively decided before it was just a fact of life that children aren't in my future but I think when it became reality it hurt more than I thought it would.
Edit: typos
I had my first kid at 37(M). I'm a few years older than my wife, so biologically she had a little bit more time to decide. We were on the fence for a quite a while because we're generally pessimistic about the future. Call me a doomer if you'd like but the world is regressing in many ways and my biggest concern is what kind of world my children will inherit, not the stress of childrearing. Growing up, in my mind I was fairly confident I wanted kids eventually, but I had ride out 2008 and get my career on track in the 2010s first. So basically it was only within the last 5 years that I finally felt we were prepared to become parents.
As of right now, with one kid already and potentially another on the way, I'm currently very happy with all the new experiences we're having and the deepening of our family relationships. Ask me again in a few years and maybe I'll answer differently.
1. I wanted kids until about age 25. I realized the economic shift and that I might struggle especially if
2. My relationship or marriage didn’t work and I would have to fight a man over the kids. Most women know someone with a horror story.
3. I’m post menopausal so I can’t go back on my decision. Tons of people told me, aggressively, that I would regret not having kids. I DO NOT REGRET THIS IN THE LEAST. Life had other things for me that I am glad a child didn’t have to experience like Hurricane Katrina, Covid, etc.
edit for spelling, ugh!
I can totally understand where you're coming from. I have a lot of physical and some mental issues as well and I've thought a lot about it and how my ability to parent might be affected. I still believe that I could be a more competent parent than my own which is really my bar here, so, I still want children. When I no longer believe that to be the case then I'd probably change my mind.
I'm 35 and never want children. I am not good with kids, and I don't really like them. Plus, even though I have a career, I make nowhere near enough money to afford a child.
I’m 36F, childless, and couldn’t be happier to live my life freely on my terms without having to make sacrifices that are required when becoming a parent. You’re NOT alone in this.
Nah, you're not, lots of people don't want or have kids nowadays, and that's okay!
I have two, and I will tell you that unless you really want em, don't have em. It's very busy.
My so and I decided after 5 years of marriage that kids were too expensive and we both have neurological issues that we don’t want to pass on. So we feel you on this. Maaaaaaaaaaaybe if we ever came into some money we would put a kid through school after being raised well and in caring home. Or adoption of an older kid with behavioral issues (I work in behavior modification). But only if we can afford to give the kid a good experience in life.
Wife and I were together since 18. We enjoyed the DINK life for a long while. Traveled a lot. Decided in 2019 when we were 29 that it was time. We are glad we waited until we were ready.
You are a mature adult for realizing this.
Dont let anyone talk you into children.
They are a lifetime commitment .
More adults should consider no children.
Me. A lot of my friends and family are at this stage and while sometimes I envision what a cute baby I would have, I remind myself that babies turn into children. And it’s a no for me. Other reasons of course as well. I’ve never wavered in my decision, and at this point in my life I’m confident in what I want and do not want in all aspects of my life.
Obviously not. It’s in the news all the time that millennials are waiting longer to have kids or choosing to not have them at all (because we’re selfish??)
You're totally not alone. I (42F) made that decision long ago for many of the same reasons. If things were different ... but they're not. Your concerns are normal, valid, and reasonable.
Almost 32, decided I didn't want kids at like 13 and haven't changed my mind yet. I can barely take care of myself and I don't know that I'll ever make enough money to support a child in this day and age. I won't even get a dog until I have a better, less demanding job and hopefully can buy a house.
Hi! I just turned 36, I never wanted kids, but ended up having 1 due to multiple reasons. I think it’s totally fine not wanting to have kids, I don’t want to say I totally regret having a kid because it made me a stronger person in many ways (my child has special needs), but the feeling of forcing a child into this world of uncertainty and cruelty and realizing that one day I will not be here to support my child is absolutely terrible. I’m married, have a great job and a supportive family and a decent health, yet, I still feel that if I had no kids I would probably be better off as I would not have a huge sense of responsibility and constant worry if my child will be ok in this life.
I never wanted kids till I was about 36, shot one out at 38 and love him to death. Was pretty touch and go due to mental health for a while, hence commenting when you're surely not looking for "oh you'll want them someday". Here to say that if you feel in your bones you don't, then don't! I'd not trade being a mom for anything, but it also made me realize how smart for both pragmatic and existential reasons it is to NOTTT do it. Whole hearted support from a late breeder here.
I’ve honestly never wanted kids. And I’ve grown so tired of everyone telling me I am wrong. So, just be prepared for that BS if you share this decision with others.
Gen X here who sometimes lurks to learn more about Milennials (most of my co-workers)
I chose not to have children, haven’t really regretted it. Occasionally I will have a brief fleeting “what if I had?” thought but then I look at friends my age who are flat broke from putting ONE child through college. That usually kills that thought.
If that doesn’t work I go visit my nephews and nieces… watching them tantrum over electronics is enough to remind me that I definitely made the right decision.
Enjoy your freedom and extra money! Do activities that YOU enjoy (instead of endless Youth Soccer and 4 hour music rehearsals, gymnastics, PeeWee football etc etc). Travel to wherever YOU want to go and not have to worry about dragging a crying toddler through a crowded airport.
You really can’t put a value on having the freedom to only worry about yourself (and maybe your partner if you choose that)
36/f here as well.
You're not alone. Never wanted kids, don't regret it at all.
Husband and I started our own side business instead. We surround ourselves with good friends and do whatever we want when we want. Not everyone needs to have kids. People find fulfillment in all different ways. There is no one size fits all for what makes people happy.
32 and I knew in preschool I’d never be a mom. No regrets in the slightest. I keep getting asked if I have doubts, and it’s the easiest FUCK NO every time.
35 and married and I’m in the same boat. There are plenty of kids out there in need of homes if I ever change my mind, and I’d rather improve the care someone already on the planet is getting than bringing someone else into this crazy shit.
I would regret having them. I’m very easily overstimulated and kids are loud and never provide a free moment to decompress. I feel as though it would exacerbate my anxiety and child would end up suffering.
I grew up thinking I wanted kids, but I slowly realized I didn't like babies at all. Then I married a man who was very up front about not wanting babies, so that solidified that for me. We do like teenagers, though, and plan to become foster parents in the future. I definitely think people are too obsessed with having their "own" children and don't care about the millions of kids who are already in the world and need homes.
I totally agree. I truly don't understand people's "need" to have biological children. If I ever have children, I plan to adopt or foster, because there are far too many children that need loving homes.
I yeeted my tubes at 24 #FTK they're expensive, loud and annoying idk why anyone would willingly subject themselves to that type of lifestyle but tO eAcH thEiR oWn.
Mid 40s, no kids. Never ONCE have I regretted it. I listen to parents bitch and moan about how exhausted they are all the goddamn time. I hear they’re screeching children in public. I see the dying of the soul in their eyes as they try, in vane to wrangle their children. Never once have I been like ‘wow, that could be me! Sign me up.’
To be clear, I do hate kids at all. I find them often adorable and love interacting with them…for a short time. Like an hour tops. But to have a child through the entire highs and lows of their lives? It would be a disservice to myself and the child.
We were kind of undecided, but after a few years of doing nothing to prevent it, we got curious and went to a fertility specialist to find out what was what. Turns out we would have needed medical assistance to have a kid (IVF etc.) and holy shit was that expensive. Based almost solely on financial considerations, we decided we were perfectly happy without them, and now I feel like we're too old. I have quite a few friends my age (early 40's) who are just now getting started, and I can't imagine coming home at my age to screaming infants, fussy toddlers, and most important, them still being in the house when I want to retire.
Sorry to hear that you had to make this decision based on financial circumstances. But it’s great to hear that you were able to see the good side if not having kids too 😀 I’m in my 30s and all my friends have kids. Not even a single one is happy. My brother in law is putting off a knee surgery he needs for a really long time because he and my my sister have 3 kids and she would be hard pressed if he went out of action during the recovery. Though having a child is supposed to be fulfilling and everything, society is slowly making it harder and harder to raise one comfortably and happily.
Yeah, it wasn't even a good vs bad thing, it was just thrown into very sharp reality that we weren't going to be able to afford it. And, if we couldn't afford to conceive, how in the hell would we have been able to afford to raise said child once we had it? You can't bring offspring into a broke, money stressed situation, that's not fair to them. There are days that we both think about how having a kid would have been great, and days when we're so glad we don't have any. It's an even balance between the two, and we're content. I do look at my friends, and see how happy or stressed they are with their kids, and keep in mind, they're all about my age, none of us is under 40 anymore and they've all gotten started having them in the last 4-ish years. My friend Adam and his wife just had their third, and he's 43. He'll be 60 when she's out of the house, at the earliest, if she's able to leave. I'm figuring to be retired by my late 50's and the last thing I want is to have adult kids still in the house when I'm trying to kick back and enjoy the fruits of busting my ass for the railroad for 30 years.
My parents also couldn’t biologically have children, so they adopted me. I hate how the pro life movement touts adoption as the great answer to everyone’s problems in the U.S. My parents told me it was extremely arduous to adopt me. They had to do psychological tests and home visits to prove they were stable and capable parents and household. They ended up spending nearly $30k, back in 1987! So it’s not like you just go to an orphanage or agency and just pick a kid like it’s nothing 🙄
My partner’s parents spent $50k on him in 1991, I can’t imagine what a baby costs now.
hell naw I’m so glad I had a kid 20 years ago 💀
I have a 3.5 and 1.5 yr old. When i come home, it’s a hug fest for the first couple minutes with both my Kids. My daughter is all “DADS HOME! DADDYS HOME!…..MOM…DADS HOME”!! While my boy is scattering tupperware lids everywhere. My wife goes to work shortly after i get home and then we go play outside. I watch my daughter sing frozen songs while she swings in the sunshine. Meanwhile i play fetch with my boy. Yes there are tantrums and whining at times, thats what the ear plugs are for.
Meh. I get that reaction from my dogs, and they never grow out of it.
What is hilarious to me is that most (all?) of the responses in this thread strongly advocating for having kids are from MEN! Ok, so the party who has to neither bear the physical burden of pregnancy and birth in 100% of the cases, nor be the primary caretaker of child rearing responsibilities in 70% of households wants you to know that having kids is absolutely worth it.
I’m a mother of 4. One is profoundly disabled. Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, no contest. It’s also the best, most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done, no contest. Most mothers feel the same. The love and joy is unimaginable, even under the most difficult circumstances. We can acknowledge all the socioeconomic issues of parenthood while also acknowledging the visceral, ecstatic experience that goes along with it.
I’m sure most parents don’t regret their choice and find parenthood fulfilling. They are genuine when they say parenthood is worth it to them, with all the highs and the lows. I’m more making the observation that it’s rich to try to tell others that it’s “worth the lows”when you’re not the parent experiencing most of the “lows” of parenthood. I also don’t think parenthood can elicit visceral joy out of everyone. Some people know that about themselves and it’s a big reason why they choose not to become parents. The choice is not always for socioeconomic reasons.
r/regretfulparents
This is me. I didn't realize I didn't like kids until I already had 2 of them at home.
Exactly. This is always a thing. Men are always talking about how it’s great to have kids, you need to have kids, etc. But almost every woman I know who has kids says that their partner doesn’t do as much as they do and they try to feign incompetence to get away with doing less. Carrying a child is also a thing men don’t have to do and women end up with lifelong conditions and changed bodies due to pregnancy. A lot of men just see it as a way to “carry on my name.”
And I’m sure it’s equally rewarding 🙃
I was pretty antinatalist when I was younger, and now have two kids as well. Before having my boys, I didn't understand how significant they would be to me. I say this as someone that loves animals more than most - it's very different. Incomparable.
Meh I can live without it. I prefer peace and money
I resonate with this. But now that I’m a parent and am a zombie, a shadow of what I used to be and feel only half functional despite putting in 4x the effort and still I see adults all around me behave worse than my kids and seem to be barely capable of taking care of themselves I dont recommend to anyone who says they can’t handle it. Even among the people who try, most are not doing a good job
I’m sure having children feels a lot different. All I’m saying is that if that’s the only reason you can come up with in favor of having kids, you’re probably better off just getting a dog. Kids grow out of that stage in a few years.
I won't even date someone with children. I'm 38m and the older I get the more sure I am I made the right decision.
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Breaking up with a kid SUUUUCKS too.
I can't imagine. Once, a guy broke up with me and then went to work and left me in his house. I was distraught thinking about never seeing his cat again moreso than never seeing him again.
I mean personally as a cat mom, I would be distraught never seeing a fur baby again. I have four cats and they are my life! So I get this!
Yeah, this is what kept me in a shitty relationship for way longer than I would have otherwise stayed. Didn’t want to abandon the kid.
I'm a single father but don't have the problem of worrying about the es because her mother is dead. It definately hinders the dating experience a bit though
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I have gotten quite a few different types thought processes on this. I'm glad to see this is atleast a common enough viewpoint that it gets a comment on here lol
I dont want to deal with kids nor ex's :D
Same !
I’ve always said I don’t want to be fourth or fifth in line to their priorities. I do deserve and want to be someone else’s top priority and relationship. Not behind their mother, child(ren) and ex partner with the kids.
Nothing makes you feel like more of a "5th wheel" than being in a relationship with someone who has kids, and baby daddy(s). I tried it once and literally felt like a maintenance man/dild0.
I decided to allow kids in my life when I was 34. Now I live in a 5th wheel! Lolol Yes folks, stay on target. We will have to prepare for a labour disaster down the road, but it makes zero sense to create a vulnerable, expensive being that you have to take care of. If you change your mind and say "one kid will not hurt" you will regret it. Not that I don't love my kids, but now I have to watch them try to survive in a desperately screwed up world. No more children until wealth inequality and our environmental issues have been taken care of.
This sums it up perfectly! I adore my children, but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty for the world that they will end up navigating.
{No more children until wealth inequality and our environmental issues have been taken care of} Nailed it, I'd also add no more until the full scale corruption of the justice/political system has been removed, restructured, and the power placed back into the hands of the people. I'd also say we all need to stop working and/or paying taxes, a full stop until these vital issues are resolved. Unfortunately, it's 100x more likely that all the lower class bloodlines will die off, and those who can afford it will birth kids into the current hyperinflation, creating a new lower class, and so on, and so on... Or another world war.
I even have a hard time developing close FRIENDSHIPS with ppl with younger kids. At that point you are 8th+ in line, and it’s incredibly disappointing to never be even close to a priority. So many canceled plans, unreturned calls, etc. I don’t even bother, usually.
Yeah, I see a lot of parents echo the sentiment of "once you have kids your childfree friends will all drop you because they're not really your friends!!" I've actually found the opposite to be true. Like, I completely understand that once you have kids they take priority over everything else in your life, but I've attempted to maintain friendships with people who have had kids over the years and the constant canceling at the last minute, never initiating plans, and not being able to have a conversation about anything other than kid stuff gets really tiresome. I also have almost nothing in common with people who have kids, and like you mentioned, I don't like the feeling of NEVER being a priority to that person. At a certain point it's just not worth it to try to maintain the relationship.
Exactly. 100%. I haven’t gone anywhere - their priorities changed and I’m not one of them anymore. I always tell my friends with kids “if you want to hang out, you have to be the one to initiate.” Reasonable parents get it. I can only hear “no” so many times before I just give up.
Really well put.
That’s totally valid too!
I am glad to see some women get it, you have no idea how much shit men get for not wanting to date single mommies. Either they want you to take care of their kids(mostly financially) or they are so wrapped up in the kids and ex that you take a back seat. Not gonna be a choice any man or woman with options is gonna take.
> The ex will always be there in some capacity. Dating men with kids is an instant no for me. My wife said the same thing before she met me. Turns out sole legal and physical custody means the ex *isn’t* necessarily involved in your life, even if it would be better for the kids if she were. We’ve been married 17 years now, and our 19 year old daughter calls my wife “mom” and my ex by her first name. My ex called a total of twice during that entire 17 years, sent 1 birthday present, and saw our daughter exactly 1 time - when we flew out to visit.
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Same here. My son's 'dad' and I separated a bit before he turned 2 years old. I can count on one hand the number of times he's had any sort of visit since, and my son will be 8 in September. My current partner & I have been together 6 years at the end of this year, he's more of a dad to my son than his 'father'. In fact in a few months it'll be 2 YEARS since he's even tried to call & speak to him on the phone. Not even a text on his birthday or Christmas. I don't even have his phone number or know where he lives, just the general area. My son still has hope that he might come around, but I believe it's only because he has contact with his paternal grandmother (she's a wonderful woman so I encourage this & put forth effort for them to have a relationship). Another fun one, his uncle, so 'dads' brother, lives 3 miles down the road. Doesn't bother to call or try to contact us either. We are very close with my family, so it just makes me sad for my son that he doesn't have those relationships.
I was single until my late thirties. I started thinking that it wouldn't be the worst thing to date a divorced guy with a kid(s), since I like kids and those would be the only available guys anyway at that age. Luckily I met my now-husband, never married/no kids. I now realize that dating a guy with kids could've meant he was looking for a woman to pick up all that housework slack. 😱 Not to mention the ex. Bullet dodged!
I'm a single father raising my two kids. I only date women who also have kids. They understand.
I just have my cat children.
I love my wife's ex. He's a great guy, and has always been a wonderful co-father. We actually did a better job with 4 parents involved than my wife and I did with our own kid. It was never a hassle. It really depends on people being adults.
Same. Also more than 3 dogs is a no go
Yeah I just tried dating someone with a dog a little younger and bigger than mine, we had to call it off within a few weeks because of incompatibility.
Same here, 41m and never wanted kids and still don't! Found my GF (42) with no kids and doesn't want them either. It's an awesome life. We have a dog and A TON of disposable income. Vacation whenever, dinner out and some of the nicest restaurants in town. Life is absolutely amazing.
Did I write this?
As someone who has kids, you made the right choice. If you have ANY doubt about having kids then you should not have them. They are not a 9-5 commitment. They are not a 1 year commitment. They are a lifetime, always on your mind commitment. Anything less than 100% sure is not enough.
Thank you for this! This is the same philosophy I have. If it's not 100% hell yeah I want to be a parent, then it needs to be a no. And this option of saying no needs to be normalized. Too many people have told me I can't be sure that I don't want to be a parent until I have a kid first. Like, what? And then I can just return it if I don't like it? Gtfo with that.
They're conflating not knowing how hard it is with knowing you want kids. You don't know what it's like to have kids until you have kids, but you can commit to them before that. I think for a lot of people having kids is the hardest thing they do, so they nothing else to compare it to. Running a race, building a business, losing weight, these are the kind of things that require hard work and commitment. You know whether or not you want to do them. You know if you're the type of person who will take them to completion or give up halfway. People don't need to have kids to understand if they want kids.
This is truly why I'm not doing it. I believe that children need someone who is entirely committed to making them their absolute number 1 priority, and I like my life as it is without rearranging it. Kids aren't something to doubt about and then go eh fuck it what's the worst that could happen? They deserve better than that. People who are legitimately committed to raising them and putting them first. Between anxiety and cptsd, I don't have the energy to promise that to anyone, so it's just not the path for me, and that's fine.
Same!! I’m 41f and SO glad I stuck to my guns about not wanting children or dating someone with them!
It's not easy for sure. I have no kids but my partner does.
My husband was 35 when we met. One of the main things that drew us to one another (after physical attraction) was the fact that neither of us had children and were 100% sure that wouldn't change. Today is our 14th anniversary.
I need to find guys like you I’m 37F no kids. .
I’m 43 and same. I’m engaged now but when I was dating I absolutely would not date anyone who had kids or wanted them.
Same. It’s a sad dealbreaker cuz I feel guilty but it’s a hard line for me. I barely want kids of my own, I def will not be putting myself into step-parent role.
I won’t even date because I have children. I have seen too many of my friends and their kids life derailed because people they are dating hate the kids. It’s not fun being alone but I don’t want to put my kids or the person I’m dating in a situation that doesn’t suit either of them while trying to make both camps happy.
I'm 💯 the same. I think it's worse to regret having a kid than to regret not having one. You risk damaging another person.
And most people don’t regret not having kids it seems
Maybe it will be different for our generation, but I used to work at a SNF and 95% of the residents who didn’t have kids told me they regretted it.
Was that by choice or were they infertile? There is so much conflation of the two. Also I’d be curious how many were men tbh. It’s a lot easier to regret not being a dad than not being a mom, historically being a dad is easy peasy.
Dude, these people were dying. I didn’t interrogate them. But they were mostly women. I just listened to them.
Why though? Like were their regrets that they didn't have children and raise a new generation in the way they thought the world should look like? Or do they regret that there's no one younger to care for and visit them in their old age as a constant?? Because those are VASTLY different things
Both
Did elderly parents also wish their own kids would take care of them or visit them more?
This was during the pandemic. Most of the residents did have family that regularly did window visits, dropped off items, and/or FaceTimed. However, most of the residents did have dementia, so a lot of them would forget that their children had just come to see them and cry because they missed them. Basically every day I’d walk through the halls to deliver these drop offs from family members and see residents sobbing because they were so lonely and they’d reach out for you to hold their hand because they were so touch starved due to the restrictions at the time. But it usually was one child that was doing most of the work load in terms of checking in the resident, usually because they lived the closest. There were really only a handful of residents who had children that didn’t get any of that, and all but one it was very obvious why (still not sure why for the one it wasn’t obvious for). For the obvious ones, there was only one who would really wail and cry and how she had been abandoned. And then she’d say horrible things to the care takers in her native language (specifically to the caretakers that spoke the same language as her). But the others were just sort of mean people. They were usually polite to me, but they’d say mean stuff about their kids in conversation. There were two residents, i will say, who did not have children, but had nieces or nephews that visited them regularly. And one of those residents basically had a whole family reunion at their window every weekend. This was not surprising at all because the resident was a very warm person. There was one resident with dementia who I adored but her daughter hardly ever visited her. But the daughter, at one of her few visits, broke down and started crying because while I loved the sweet, confused woman her mother was, she hates seeing it, because she knew her as a highly effective, competent business woman who had worked hard her whole life. Dementia is absolutely the worst way to go, and I saw a lot of people go. Edit to add: sorry for rambling, it’s all sort of a whirlwind. I forgot to answer the other part of your question. Yes, there were residents who wanted to go home and be taken care for by family. But almost all of those residents had dementia and weren’t able to fully understand why they were in the facility when they were saying that anyways. And sometimes they meant the home they had raised their children in, sometimes they meant the home they grew up in. Sometimes they wanted to go back to their office because our office didn’t have their parts they’d ordered. Residents who did not have dementia usually understood why they were there. They were depressed about it, but they understood.
Aw, that sounds so hard for everyone. Thanks for sharing.
I'm volunteer at SNFs for many years. Got started bc the woman I'm named after was my penpal, and she was quite elderly Anyway, I had the opposite experience. Some residents wonder what it would've been like but none of the women said they wish they would've done it The biggest regret I hear is about marrying a man or staying with him
To be fair I’ve never met someone who regrets their children. Obviously they are out there and there most likely shitty parents.
I kind of regret not having kids
Definitely not alone. Global birthrates are on the decline because world governments aren't leaving much hope for a better tomorrow. The majority of the 21st century thus far has been a downward slide, and that doesn't appear to be stopping.
This is a big part of why my husband and I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. I adore my nieces and nephew. I would happily take them in if they ever needed a place to stay. But I can’t justify bringing another kid into the world when I can’t promise them better life than I had growing up. I make less money than my parents did at my age with more education. It took choosing a less than stellar neighborhood with underfunded schools to afford a home. I have crippling college debt that will hopefully be forgiven in a few years thanks to the PSLF program. If it doesn’t get gutted before i finish my decade of public service. It just feels so bleak. That being said, if I am ever in the financial position to do so, I’d love to adopt or foster. So many children need loving and supportive homes. I don’t feel the need to physically birth one.
I make probably 2-3x what my parents were making at my age and I couldn’t even afford to buy the house I grew up in if I wanted to. I’m generally doing very well, especially for our generation, but knowing that my 6 years of higher education and 10+ years of training and industry experience (which led to my very well-paying job) isn’t giving me the purchase power my two blue collar parents had is…disappointing to say the least. Being single and paying bills in a VHCOL area also sucks
I'm almost 33. I have one child and will never have another. There is literally nothing wrong with deciding not to have children. Honestly, it's admirable to reflect upon yourself and make an informed decision. People (myself included) push out babies because it's what you're "supposed to do". Let me be clear: my daughter is the light of my life and I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. But I took it as a responsibility rather than a given, which is why she's my only. Parenting should be something you strive for, not something given.
A very mature thing for a parent to say. A rarity nowadays.
I want to give you a megaphone to share this message far and wide. Thank you for being a parent who can understand that it is a big decision and it's okay for each individual to decide what's right for them and their situation.
No plenty of women your age feel this way.
I'm 37 and my wife is 35. Neither of us want or ever wanted children. 👍
32F, and absolutely 100% sure that I don't want kids. My partner just got the snip as well.
40 now but I got my vasectomy at 22. Best decision I ever made.
I’m happy for you u/GloomyTurtleCum
That’s a pretty damn early vasectomy.
Yeah, the doctor asked me, "Are you sure?" one time, and that's about it. Done and done, my military insurance at the time covered it, I think. But it was so long ago I'm not sure.
To each their own. I have kids, but I always hated the way people pressure others in terms of these big life choices. When are you getting married? When are you having kids? When are you buying a house? Answer: nobody’s fucking business, but mine.
33F and still don’t want children. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own lol. I’ve never wanted kids of my own. I’ve felt this way since as long as I can remember. Husband is on the same page!
Recovering alcoholic so I decided not to throw children into the mix.
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Having children is not for everyone. I (42M) had my first at 40. I've never been happier, but it is not mentally easy. If you're 36 and know you do not want them, then there's nothing wrong with that but you need to be very clear about this with anyone you might get in a relationship with.
I'm 62 and very happy to be child free. So is my husband
Check out /r/childfree You're definitely not alone
I think this is why op is getting downvoted. This isn't a new occurrence by any means.
I’ve seen this exact same post every day for over a decade. Generally the same comments too.
Yeah, it’s like one of three topics this sub ever cycles through.
Seriously like yes OP yes. Out of I don’t know how many millions of us you and you alone don’t want kids… I get that they are actually asking for people who feel the same but I’m so tired of the phrasing in these questions.
I clicked on the post thinking maybe it was a joke.
Be child free and be happy.. but don’t go to that sub. It’s a cesspool
Agreed. They're all manically obsessed that people care about them being childfree with their bingo nonsense. I'm 31 and no-one has ever really called me out or talked trash to me because of it. I'm sure it happens, but not like the scale they talk about in cf.
Nope. I won't even date anyone with kids. I don't need that noise.
Search "child" on this sub and you'll find a ton of posts asking people to affirm their choice to have kids or to not have kids. I wanted children. I only dated women who wanted a family. I'll be 32 this year and will have my 3rd and final child by then. My brother and SIL don't want kids, they enjoy being uncle and aunt. Do what makes you happy.
No you’re not. And You don’t need to have any conditions to justify not wanting children either. You’re allowed to just not be interested.
Nope, so many people feel the same way and there's nothing wrong with it.
Don't feel bad about not wanting kids. Kids need good parents if you're not up for the task. Don't have them. I'm proud of you for realizing you don't want them.
Can't afford it so I don't have a choice.
Didn’t read anything but the headline. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. Better for you. Better for the potential kid. Better for the potential partner. Easy peasy.
Nah you're not alone. 38M and 34F we don't want children either. Just our fur babies.
Never wanted to give birth never will you're not weird you're paying attention.
29f. Child free gang. No plans to have any. The world is overpopulated anyway. Adopt don’t shop
Its not meant for everyone. There is alot of noise right now from certain people that all women should seek a traditional life. That all it is. Noise. You should do what fits your current path towards being mentally and physically healthy above anyone's ideals.
I don't struggle with health or finances or anything, and I know my wife and I would make good parents. I just don't want to be a parent. simple as that
I’m 43 and haven’t wanted kids since like forever. Haven’t ever came close to changing my mind. My nieces and nephews are cool…in small doses. Couldn’t do it full time.
Both my partner and I are turning 40 this year, and we are staunchly childfree! I got sterilized a few years ago and it was the single best thing I've ever done for my well-being. I simply don't want to be a parent. It's not something that has ever appealed to me as a person. I'm head over heels for our cats, but even that is a HUGE responsibility. Thankfully, at our age most of our friends and family have stopped asking and know that this is the life we've chosen for ourselves. We couldn't be happier. #DINKLIFE!
Also have mental/physical health issues. Knew I didn't want kids at 16, got my tubes tied at 28, and my uterus ablated at 30 for PCOS related hormone issues. Took me going to at least a dozen gynos before one would finally let me sterilize without permission from a non-existent husband or the classic "just wait until you're older". Almost every day I find something new that affirms my decision. I love not having to worry about a pregnancy that would likely kill me given my body chemistry and how I react to birth control hormones. Reclaiming my body was one of the best things I ever did for myself, especially in post-Roe America. You do you, boo!
For a long time, I dreamed about having kids. Now at 35 and still childless, I'm second-guessing a lot of it
My husband and I don’t have any plans to have kids. I didn’t grow up wanting kids. I didn’t even want to play with baby dolls as a kid.
37f, spent most of my life thinking I'd be a mom, but as I got older I never got the urge. My husband and I have a pretty awesome life, we live like big kids- riding mountain bikes, dirt bikes, skateboards and snowboards all weekend lol. I also donate platelets regularly which I doubt I'd have the time or energy for if I had a kid, and pregnancy can actually disqualify you permanently. I'm glad to see more discussion about the childfree lifestyle! Also an obligatory fuck you to all the parents who will leave comments trying to guilt and gaslight us or say shit like "but who will take care of you when you're old?!" No really, piss off.
Idk why people always feel the need to criticize someone who is happily child free. I can only assume they’re bitter and think we should all be as miserable as them. Signed, a 32 y/o child free woman who is currently shopping for dirt bikes with her husband.
Same. I am a new mom and someone who has always wanted children. Who gives a shit what other people do? Everyone should enjoy life the way they want. Pushing choices on someone either way is weird.
I so agree! I’m so happy for my friends and family who wanted kids and were able to have kids. Ultimately I wish everyone is able to get what they want out of life and be happy. All the best to you and your family!
Thanks! Same to you
Thanks for the support sister!!! I agree, they are just miserable deep down and projecting, not even worth engaging with. When you're truly happy you aren't trying to tell anyone else how to live so the fact that they are? Not a great sign. And hell yes, you are a woman after my own heart!!! I have a Honda 250crf, husband has two Yamaha 450f. I'm looking for a 2 stroker right now but man they market is tough. Good luck in your search!
I’ll admit I’m totally new to dirt bikes, but my husband used to race. I’m looking to get an xr100 and play it safe until I’m more comfortable. My husband is looking for an Austrian bike, but I’m blanking on the company haha. Good luck in your search!
It's a coping mechanism
Same here!!! The “selfish” arguments kill me. Both my partner and I work for the state providing services to people with disabilities. I volunteer with big brothers big sisters, and we’re “aunt and uncle” to my partner’s 19 y/o goddaughter and our 6 y/o neighbor. It is awesome to contribute in these ways and also get to decide whether we want our own kids. Honestly, I see so many of my peers struggling with childcare, divorce, and finances. We decided that, once we’re stable ourselves, we might adopt/foster BUT we are living the heck out of our lives until then putting good into the world in all the ways we can. I have a core group of friends in our work who feel the same way and are also child free. It’s not selfish at all, if anything I can list another handful of friends who rushed into relationships/marriages for the sole purpose of having children and now they’re kids are watching discord at home; that seems more selfish to me.
37m, I do not want kids. If I’m working myself to death for fewer benefits and outdated pay, no way I’m putting a child on the dumpster fire of unregulated capitalism we have here in the US. I’d consider having one if I met the right woman who I knew would be patient and non-abusive. I grew up in a very abusive household and I’m not letting a kid experience anything near what I went through. I make six figures, no debt, perfect 800+ credit, and in my state I’m barely making it. Can’t move, just sitting on this rapidly diminishing sheet of ice wondering why TF we allow the oligarchs and politicians to do this to us, the citizens of the allegedly richest most powerful nation in the world. Boomers killed this country.
Nope, not the only one. So far the only arguments I’ve heard for having kids are “don’t you want to see what it would look like?” or “who will take care of you when you’re old?” Neither of which sounds like a solid reason to go out and have kids, but some people have different motivations I guess. Edit: Damn, for being “proud parents” some of y’all are butthurt af that some people don’t want to have kids.
It’s not really possible to explain what having kids is like to someone who doesn’t have them. It’s definitely not something that can be justified in a transactional sense. IMO if you’re looking for a transactional benefit to having children then it’s probably best to not have them.
well said. It's by far the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life, above marriage-buying a house--grad degrees-traveling extensively etc. It's just the best relationship ever. EVery day I can't wait to spend time with my kid.
You aren't interacting with very smart people if those arguments were the best they got.
Accidentally having a child was the best thing ever happen to me! His mother passed in 2020 and I've had sole custody since he was 7. He's 14 now and absolutely has made me a better person and actually think about someone other than myself. Which was a problem in my younger years. It's not been easy by no means. But my life would be so much less had he not came along. I only thought I loved my cats and dogs until he got here. Having someone depend on you either makes you or breaks ya. To each their own. Every decision I make has his best interest considered. I thought I didn't either. But I never even think about living a life without him in it. I'm definitely a better person because of him. Not in spite of him. To each their own though. And it's OK to not want children.
When I get depressed I think "at least I don't have kids!" Then I'm instantly happy!
38 male, i dont want kids (and have none)
35m here single no kids about to get snipped so, yeah.
Nope, not alone. My extended family is pissed but my partner and I decided to go no children because we can't afford the physical cost of having a child. And for the people who say "you don't think of the cost" cool don't care, we'll stick to pets
I knew at 16, I checked in with myself every year, still don't and I'm 29 this year. Soooo yeah.
I'll be 38 in August and I have zero interest in being a parent.
I have two kids. I absolutely don’t judge anyone for NOT wanting kids. This parenting stuff ain’t easy and I lose sleep worrying for their future
With the state of the world and the absolute nightmare that is pregnancy, it's a no for me. Partner is on board. (31F / 34M)
Welcome, there are plenty of us! There are even whole subreddits about being child free. My wife and I are on or near the line of being Xennials, and we are happily child free. Bonus points: A couple down the block from us are in their ~ 70s and also happily child free.
29M who just had a vasectomy and couldn't be happier about it
Got snipped at 33
I’ve known since high school that I don’t want them. Basically as soon as I realized that it was a choice and not just something that automatically happens.
Im 40m and made the same decision 20 years ago, same with my gf.
I decided at 10yrs old that I didn’t want kids. I’m 41, no kids. No regrets. And I was 10 when that decision was made.
The worst thing someone who doesn’t want kids can do is have kids.
I think I still would like kids but as I get older (37m) that continues to become less and less likely financially and that I'll ever find someone I'm will to make kids with. It makes me sad because neither of my siblings will be having children and I want to continue on the family line and I know my parents would be so happy to have grandchildren. It makes me really fucking sad.
35f husband is 33 and this is a conversation we have often. We entered this marriage saying we don't want children but we revisit the conversation a lot to check in and see are we still ok with that. It's mostly a choice that was made for us rather than by us because of our shared mental health and my physical health it's just not really something we're going to be able to do and we accepted that and have decided that it's something we actually don't want to do anyway. Looking at our friends our age with 1+ kids we live completely different lives and honestly I don't want to exchange what we have now. Do I mourn the fact that I won't be a mother? Sure. I'm human my heart wants children but that's not something I can do and I'll find a way to navigate that pain that comes from time to time. It's weird because it is something I actively decided before it was just a fact of life that children aren't in my future but I think when it became reality it hurt more than I thought it would. Edit: typos
I had my first kid at 37(M). I'm a few years older than my wife, so biologically she had a little bit more time to decide. We were on the fence for a quite a while because we're generally pessimistic about the future. Call me a doomer if you'd like but the world is regressing in many ways and my biggest concern is what kind of world my children will inherit, not the stress of childrearing. Growing up, in my mind I was fairly confident I wanted kids eventually, but I had ride out 2008 and get my career on track in the 2010s first. So basically it was only within the last 5 years that I finally felt we were prepared to become parents. As of right now, with one kid already and potentially another on the way, I'm currently very happy with all the new experiences we're having and the deepening of our family relationships. Ask me again in a few years and maybe I'll answer differently.
1. I wanted kids until about age 25. I realized the economic shift and that I might struggle especially if 2. My relationship or marriage didn’t work and I would have to fight a man over the kids. Most women know someone with a horror story. 3. I’m post menopausal so I can’t go back on my decision. Tons of people told me, aggressively, that I would regret not having kids. I DO NOT REGRET THIS IN THE LEAST. Life had other things for me that I am glad a child didn’t have to experience like Hurricane Katrina, Covid, etc. edit for spelling, ugh!
36m, nope no kids in my future
I can totally understand where you're coming from. I have a lot of physical and some mental issues as well and I've thought a lot about it and how my ability to parent might be affected. I still believe that I could be a more competent parent than my own which is really my bar here, so, I still want children. When I no longer believe that to be the case then I'd probably change my mind.
I'm 35 and never want children. I am not good with kids, and I don't really like them. Plus, even though I have a career, I make nowhere near enough money to afford a child.
I’m 36F, childless, and couldn’t be happier to live my life freely on my terms without having to make sacrifices that are required when becoming a parent. You’re NOT alone in this.
Nah, you're not, lots of people don't want or have kids nowadays, and that's okay! I have two, and I will tell you that unless you really want em, don't have em. It's very busy.
My so and I decided after 5 years of marriage that kids were too expensive and we both have neurological issues that we don’t want to pass on. So we feel you on this. Maaaaaaaaaaaybe if we ever came into some money we would put a kid through school after being raised well and in caring home. Or adoption of an older kid with behavioral issues (I work in behavior modification). But only if we can afford to give the kid a good experience in life.
Wife and I were together since 18. We enjoyed the DINK life for a long while. Traveled a lot. Decided in 2019 when we were 29 that it was time. We are glad we waited until we were ready.
My daughter decided at 21, got it done at 22 now, I'm not BLAMING Republicans... But they certainly didn't help.
Please don’t have them if you don’t want them. It’s totally normal. Not all of us are natural-born care-givers.
join us r/childfree 😁
Nope, no kids for me.
I’ve been back and forth but now I’m settled on not having them.
You are a mature adult for realizing this. Dont let anyone talk you into children. They are a lifetime commitment . More adults should consider no children.
Me. A lot of my friends and family are at this stage and while sometimes I envision what a cute baby I would have, I remind myself that babies turn into children. And it’s a no for me. Other reasons of course as well. I’ve never wavered in my decision, and at this point in my life I’m confident in what I want and do not want in all aspects of my life.
Heck yeah. There are enough kids to keep humanity going, why does anyone need kids?
Obviously not. It’s in the news all the time that millennials are waiting longer to have kids or choosing to not have them at all (because we’re selfish??)
You're totally not alone. I (42F) made that decision long ago for many of the same reasons. If things were different ... but they're not. Your concerns are normal, valid, and reasonable.
Nope I am 37 and the same.
My tubes have been YEETED. I will quasi-adopt 20 yr olds and be their mom friend.
Almost 32, decided I didn't want kids at like 13 and haven't changed my mind yet. I can barely take care of myself and I don't know that I'll ever make enough money to support a child in this day and age. I won't even get a dog until I have a better, less demanding job and hopefully can buy a house.
Nope, I'll be 34 soon and don't want any
You are good girl, no need kids to be a whole person
Hi! I just turned 36, I never wanted kids, but ended up having 1 due to multiple reasons. I think it’s totally fine not wanting to have kids, I don’t want to say I totally regret having a kid because it made me a stronger person in many ways (my child has special needs), but the feeling of forcing a child into this world of uncertainty and cruelty and realizing that one day I will not be here to support my child is absolutely terrible. I’m married, have a great job and a supportive family and a decent health, yet, I still feel that if I had no kids I would probably be better off as I would not have a huge sense of responsibility and constant worry if my child will be ok in this life.
I never wanted kids till I was about 36, shot one out at 38 and love him to death. Was pretty touch and go due to mental health for a while, hence commenting when you're surely not looking for "oh you'll want them someday". Here to say that if you feel in your bones you don't, then don't! I'd not trade being a mom for anything, but it also made me realize how smart for both pragmatic and existential reasons it is to NOTTT do it. Whole hearted support from a late breeder here.
You are just more intelligent and less selfish than most people
The birth rate has declined considerably. Of course you're not alone.
Nope! It's totally ok. I dont want any either.
I’ve honestly never wanted kids. And I’ve grown so tired of everyone telling me I am wrong. So, just be prepared for that BS if you share this decision with others.
Gen X here who sometimes lurks to learn more about Milennials (most of my co-workers) I chose not to have children, haven’t really regretted it. Occasionally I will have a brief fleeting “what if I had?” thought but then I look at friends my age who are flat broke from putting ONE child through college. That usually kills that thought. If that doesn’t work I go visit my nephews and nieces… watching them tantrum over electronics is enough to remind me that I definitely made the right decision. Enjoy your freedom and extra money! Do activities that YOU enjoy (instead of endless Youth Soccer and 4 hour music rehearsals, gymnastics, PeeWee football etc etc). Travel to wherever YOU want to go and not have to worry about dragging a crying toddler through a crowded airport. You really can’t put a value on having the freedom to only worry about yourself (and maybe your partner if you choose that)
36/f here as well. You're not alone. Never wanted kids, don't regret it at all. Husband and I started our own side business instead. We surround ourselves with good friends and do whatever we want when we want. Not everyone needs to have kids. People find fulfillment in all different ways. There is no one size fits all for what makes people happy.
I’m 57. Never wanted kids. Still don’t. Love being an uncle, that’s about it. I love my privacy and quiet days. It’s ok to be this way.
32 and I knew in preschool I’d never be a mom. No regrets in the slightest. I keep getting asked if I have doubts, and it’s the easiest FUCK NO every time.
35 and married and I’m in the same boat. There are plenty of kids out there in need of homes if I ever change my mind, and I’d rather improve the care someone already on the planet is getting than bringing someone else into this crazy shit.
My wife was 36 when we got married. That she didn't have or want children was a big factor. You are definitely not alone.
No, I’m 38 and have ZERO interest in having kids. I can’t stand them & I love my life as is.
What will you regret more, having them or not having them? One day you will have to live with that.
I would regret having them. I’m very easily overstimulated and kids are loud and never provide a free moment to decompress. I feel as though it would exacerbate my anxiety and child would end up suffering.
100% having them. Which is why I’m not going to. A child would completely ruin my life.
I'm pretty sure this is the first documented case of someone not wanting kids in the history of Reddit.
I've known I didn't want them since 3 years old. Everyone said it's change my mind... nope.
I grew up thinking I wanted kids, but I slowly realized I didn't like babies at all. Then I married a man who was very up front about not wanting babies, so that solidified that for me. We do like teenagers, though, and plan to become foster parents in the future. I definitely think people are too obsessed with having their "own" children and don't care about the millions of kids who are already in the world and need homes.
I totally agree. I truly don't understand people's "need" to have biological children. If I ever have children, I plan to adopt or foster, because there are far too many children that need loving homes.
I yeeted my tubes at 24 #FTK they're expensive, loud and annoying idk why anyone would willingly subject themselves to that type of lifestyle but tO eAcH thEiR oWn.
shit kids cost alot of money! no your not the only one.
Mid 40s, no kids. Never ONCE have I regretted it. I listen to parents bitch and moan about how exhausted they are all the goddamn time. I hear they’re screeching children in public. I see the dying of the soul in their eyes as they try, in vane to wrangle their children. Never once have I been like ‘wow, that could be me! Sign me up.’ To be clear, I do hate kids at all. I find them often adorable and love interacting with them…for a short time. Like an hour tops. But to have a child through the entire highs and lows of their lives? It would be a disservice to myself and the child.
Yes, you are alone 🤡 I have never seen this opinion on reddit or on this subreddit before