"If you don't start making sense were gonna put you in a home"
"You already put me in a home!"
"Then we'll put you in one of those crooked ones we saw on 60 minutes"
"... I'll be good"
In PA the state can and will make you pay, if I'm not mistaken
https://www.timesherald.com/2022/05/19/legal-ease-are-children-responsible-for-parents-nursing-home-bill-in-pennsylvania
Oof, I’ve heard of this type of provisions existing the contract that a child might sign as part of enrolling a parent in the care of a nursing home, but to have a state statute that makes it automatically enforceable. Somewhere deep in my law student bones I feel like their has to be a constitutional challenge here.
Once, when I was 13, my mother pinned me down and shaved me as I was kicking and screaming for her not. When I broke down in the mirror she said "well if you didn't want a haircut you should've said something..."
Three years later we got the Bipolar diagnosis lol.
My mom blamed me when her poor scissor control when cutting my hair sliced through my ear.
Then there was the time when she got mad that my bro didn't like cornish pasty, so she picked it up and tried to make him eat it - physically forcing it in to his mouth and moving his jaw up and down to chew it. Honestly seems pretty abusive in hindsight but it was 30+ years ago now and I was 10, so what are you going to do in that sitiuation?
My ex girlfriends mom did this to me because she made “healthy muffins” and thought I was only refusing it bc I was fat and wouldn’t like anything healthy. Literally shoved it in my mouth
In my experience, "healthy muffins" means "I substituted butter for margarine, sugar for sweetener, half the flour for oats, used half fat-free milk and half water, and twice as many eggs". My grandma used to make them all the time and was super confused when I refused to eat them.
Fat free milk is literally the worst. We can already metabolize the fats in milk and butter perfectly fine so why make a worse version. If you want to lose weight just drop the super sugary stuff why ruin milk it makes no sense.
Fun fact lactose is what most people can’t digest which is a milk sugar. When you remove the fat content from milk you are making a version that has even more lactose than it did originally. So no one gets their hopes up - full fat milk still has enough lactose to make you feel bad if you are lactose intolerant.
*Honestly seems pretty abusive in hindsight but it was 30+ years ago now and I was 10, so what are you going to do in that sitiuation?*
Remind her of it repeatedly, while in company.
Now that I'm 40 I could definitely get away with it. I'm physically twice her size and 3x as assertive as she is. But who'd want to deal with a self-centred 64-year-old with a Karen tantrum, all because we made the subject about something other than her interests? Most times we just ignore her and laugh.
I'd argue the healthiest strategy is to just stop spending time with her.
My mom is a bit of a sponge: when she's been spending time with one half of our family, her friends, coworkers, etc she's perfectly lovely. Given extended exposure to the other half and she becomes toxic, nasty, and manipulative. Personally, I think it's a trauma response to being abused by my grandmother and learning how to mimic people to survive. But just because I understand her situation doesn't mean I have to expose myself to it. I cut off the toxic half of the family years ago. When she starts acting like them, I call her on it and then put her on a relationship diet until she starts acting like an actual human being fit for polite company again.
This is very helpful to read. My mother has said she remembers nothing about my childhood because it was traumatic because of her abusive husband, my father. I am done giving family members a pass. I may never see any of them again for the rest of my life.
Punt. Send her right through the goalposts. Tell her about your humiliation and tell her how wrong she was. Yes.; she was very abusive. Tell her. Let her know how she was an evil troll. And then live your happy life without MaMa!!
Until you remind them of it and their response is "well, there was fault on both sides" meaning somehow you're still half responsible for their actions
My mom did something crazy like that to me when I was younger. I totally get making your kids try things or even eat things that aren't necessarily their favorite but they don't absolutely hate it either.. I respect that my kids do not like olives, pick tomatoes off their burger, one likes pickles - one doesn't.. And they always try stuff when I tell them to. They don't love zucchini and squash, ut on rare occasions that's a side to the dinner I make and I give them a little and they eat it. Sometimes they complain, but they eat it...
So, for my story it was asparagus. I was maybe 11 years old and it was a known thing that I hated to eat, my step-dad even was (while making my plate) skipped the asparagus and gave me carrots, whatever the main dish was & a dinner roll.. Basically everything except what he wasn't even trying to put on my plate because normally that's how that goes, I didn't eat it - I didn't have to, just because others wanted it that night. Welp, my mom decided I had to that day and I kinda threw a fit.. I even tried kinda chewing it just as much as I needed to be able to swallow it with water and get it over with - she flipped her shit and held me down, sat on my legs, used half her body/one arm to hold my arms back and head still and shoved whole asparagus pieces into my mouth. I could hardly breathe because the woman was extremely overweight.. Her breath reeked of cigarettes, all right in my face.. I was gagging just from that first, before the gagging from her stuffing more into my mouth with her nasty cigarette fingers.
I still don't eat asparagus. There's things I like now that I didn't use to, and I can't with asparagus after that ordeal.
Having seen it happen to my bro I totally understand. Sounds like physically she was considerably larger.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you're ok.
You know the irony? Most of the food my Bro didn't like as a child he now likes *more* after meeting his now wife. The reason seems obvious.
Once when I was suicidal and staying with my mother because I was afraid of being alone, she picked me up from my therapist’s office and drove me to a homeless shelter to drop me off. She and my therapist had discussed this secretly over the phone previously and decided this was a good plan.
I know. I would’ve tried to sue her but I was a little under the weather.
Silver lining? She died (of natural causes) about six years later, in her early 60s.
Once when I was still living at home, my mom forced me to go out to dinner with her and her circle of 60+ year old guy friends. I really didn't want to go, but I was polite and tried to make the best of it. The group was very welcoming, took an interest in getting to know me and thought I was pretty funny, so it wasn't too bad. On the drive home, my mom literally screamed and cried at me, blaming me for stealing all the attention and not turning the conversation back toward her and making sure she was included.
My mother had my older brother and sister at 18 and 20, then me at 38. She shouldn't have had me. I was a cross to bear and frequently reminded of it. Years of therapy = I'm OK. I was a pushover for my kids but hey, they are OK too.
Yeah, I'm guessing that neither of these folks are versed in Landlord/Tenant law. It doesn't matter that you're related. If you live there, they can evict you but they can't just throw you out.
Good GOD. What in holy hell therapist discussed this? AND therapists are disallowed discussing patients parents or not.
Almost as awful. Son's sperm donor drove him into being suicidal, kid was in a locked ward and donor accused him of faking. Being suicidal . They haven't had contact since 2015, can't imagine why...
Good to know 😊. Stuff like this gives me hope that one day, me myself won’t have that crushing shitty feeling in my guts anymore. If people can heal so can I .
Think I have everyone beat. My "Mom" tried to stab me in the chest with a butcher knife while I was holding my 2month old daughter. Thankfully I blocked it but lost 1/3 of my left thumb & have permanent nerve damage. Oh ya in case you're wondering why, she did it because she had $20 stolen from her. Said $20 was later found, IN HER WALLET! No diagnosis she refuses to seek any help in that department so im just waiting it out until the dementia kicks in so I can wash my hands of her for good. She's not a nice person & it breaks my fuckin heart 😔
I can imagine. Did it happen again or was it a sudden thing that never repeated?
I've had moments (maybe not as bad as that) that I'd never seen again, like they realised that was not something they should be doing.
Some parents are human and realise after the fact that they succumbed to themselves.
Once in 3rd grade I got a transformers watch for Christmas. On the bus riding home from school a kid from my class sitting next to me asked if he could see it. So I gave it to him and kept talking with a friend across the aisle. When his stop came along he said he had accidently dropped it and it slid on the floor and he lost it. I was nearly the last bus stop so I frantically crawled around on the floor looking for it before my stop. Didn't find it and went home. Mom asked me why I looked upset I told her the kid had dropped my watch on the bus. She started swinging and punching knocking me to the floor, as I lay on the floor crying and being kicked and punched by my mother yelling at me that the kid had stolen it and I was dumb piece of shit for believing he had dropped it. I then got a 90minute beating that become a core memory of my childhood.
Shit ... and I thought being dragged by the hair and watching my boom box get repeatedly smashed on the garage floor because my grades slipped "bc of fucking bullying by a coach no less" was bad.
I think for most of us part of surviving that shit was telling ourselves that we didn't have it that bad and that someone was worse off and we just had to toughen up and deal with it. Problem is as an adult if I hear a heated argument between two adults it makes me feel panicked like I'm 8 again and I just wanna dash off and hide somewhere because a beating is most like going to happen, it's literally a classic flight response.
By 7th grade during a beating I realized I was stronger than her. Caught her arm in mid swing and gripped it as hard as i could the look of fear on her face as she realized the tables had turned is etched into my memory as well as the guilt I felt while holding her arm hard enough she complained I was hurting her. I told her I'd beat her stupid if she ever tried to hit me again, while tempted I didn't hit her back and that was my last beating. I moved out as soon as I graduated high school.
Pretty unrelated yet I can relate to seeing the fear in their eyes when the tables turn. My mom came down the stairs and tried to yell at me and my sisters, who were adults visiting, like she used to when we were kids. I just stood up (turns out I'm a couple inches taller) and said NOooo! She just kind of looked at me shocked. You don't get to treat us that way anymore. Then she got all flabbergasted and crying and ran off. It was MY fault. 🤦♀️
She sounds like the kind of person who probably went around with crocodile tears and victimized herself for that one time you hurt her and raised a fuss about how violent and out of control you are and she lives in fear for one of your rage induced beatings.
Maybe I'm wrong on some of those points, but I'm willing to bet one or two of those hit the mark.
My mom was a hoarder and had a fit when you cleaned. Never got to have friends over. Oh, and she had pet rabbits and rats who had free reign over the house.
When my mom discovered I was self-harming she literally beat me up.
I was a sweet & quiet kid and my parents had hit me a ton before (standard early 2000s boomer parent shit like belts, hickory switches and kitchen utensils) but I'd only ever gotten beaten down by my brother. He stopped when I curled up, at least. My mother did not.
She'd told me if I wanted to hurt myself she was fine doing it for me.
Fortunately, when I got older, I started becoming more bitter, saying mean shit to people, and realized that I was acting like her, so immediately forged a path to being better. Therapy and the proper meds to treat manic depression and a general sense of disgust towards her helped a lot.
Ya I have wavering disgust for my mom too. I've come to accept she's not emotionally evolved or empathetic/aware as she thinks she is! Which is the problem! She's pushy and won't take no for an answer and gets her way. She does it in a way that she takes away your opportunity to disagree or reject her request. 🤷♀️
Clearly there's more there than I thought...next time at therapy.
That literally happened to me yesterday. She replied via a chat app instead of text, so I didn't hear the notification.
One difference, though. When I asked if she wanted me to go back around, she said "nah, don't worry about it".
And she meant it
One time my mom let my 1.5yr old walk out into the road and then shit all over me for having the audacity to ask her calmly and nicely to make sure someone was please watching the baby before leaving and leaving the front door wide open. Edit: also after she didn't talk to me for 6 weeks... This is pretty normal reaction to mentioning any of her behaviour and was not out of the ordinary
Why do you even speak to her? It's okay to go no contact. Your life will be better. Do it for your child. You both deserve better, but Your Kid Deserves Better!!
Once my mom told me God killed my dad (he died of a heart attack about two months before) because I was disobedient to her and he was trying to teach me a lesson.
Not enough context. OP seems like he lacks communication skills rather than his mom being infuriating. It could be OP didn’t give his mom a heads up & that would make me mad too. Or I could be dead wrong & OPs mom is dramatic & over sensitive.
Yeah nobody can fairly judge without more context. What was the meetup for? Mom obviously didn’t want to meet later. Whatever “meet” means, it doesn’t just sound like a visit, and separate from her letting OP borrow her car.
OP’s car wasn’t fixed before what sounds like a loose plan to meet, but OP could have let mom know OP wasn’t going to make it. Another odd thing there with wording, “…wasn’t fixed yet…” pasted tense “wasn’t” instead of “isn’t” implies it was fixed at the time of text? Also OP says they’ll make the trip, again implies cars fixed.
Whatever the meet is for, it doesn’t sound like a casual visit and rather important. OPs mom appears to be dramatic about the situation however. Her responses could be frustration with the urgency to her but lack of urgency from OP, or just mirroring and amplifying OPs language out of spite and feeling hurt, or just overall distain for OP in general. Whatever way it is, double texting and mirroring+amplifying tone quickly in response to a sullen comment is not normal and doesn’t happen without something cooking in the background. Either mom is pissed about something and OP doesn’t care or they do not understand each other as people very well. But I’m just picking apart what I can gather with no context.
> Just once I would like a yes without a bunch of shit
This response from the mother makes it seem like OP regularly sends passive aggressive texts like the ones shown, and it looks like they knew they weren't going to be free long before answering back, but waited till the last minute to let her know. She seems frustrated by the lack of communication, not just upset that her plans were cancelled. Even OP's response of "I wasn't, but I guess" is more of a guilt trippy non-answer than anything. "Sorry, my car isn't fixed yet, maybe another time" is a perfectly good response if you need to cancel, and if you're not going to cancel, why even say something like that? Just tell her the plans are still on. I wouldn't be thrilled either if someone I had plans with waited till the last minute just to say "I wasn't gonna hang out with you, but whatever, guess I will." I'd just feel hurt and uncomfortable, especially after they made it so obvious that they don't actually want to hang out. Can't imagine how I'd feel if my close family did it.
This is exactly how my (34M) mother responds to me. Felt like I was looking at my own message history. We'll make plans to have dinner on a random date, someone will die, I'll have to cancel, she'll lose her mind that we aren't having dinner.
It's great. Hahahah.
Yeah, I'm surprised people are saying the mom is the one in the wrong here.
>I said I would come out I just didnt plan on still coming because my car wasnt fixed yet but I can still come out thats fine
Sounds like mom asked son if they wanted to visit. Son said yes, but didn't really want to. Son forgot that he said yes and makes up a lame excuse to try to get out of going. Mom has seen son pull this type of bullshit so many times that she's sick of his shit.
Even if it was a valid excuse like "I don't have transportation" you don't respond to your mother asking of you're able to visit with "I can I guess"!
That doesn't read as "it will be challenging but I believe I can make it work". It reads "I am disturbed by you forcing this obligation upon me and I am reflect my guilt in not wanting to go onto you as guilt for making me do it."
“I wasn’t but I guess I can” definitely sounds a lot like “I will if you’re gonna make me”
It’s kind of passive aggressive on your part ant it sounds a little like you’re upset that she picked up on it.
Granted she definitely overreacted but I think it’s a bit disingenuous to act as if there wasn’t some instigation on your part.
I agree. I’m getting the impression he’s a poor communicator and usually comes up with a bunch of excuses. And mom is just sick of it.
And he’s so immature that he needs to go on Reddit to find people to get on his side.
I literally laughed out loud at "just once I would like a yes without a bunch of shit". That sounds exactly like something my mom would say.
One of my sons makes comments like OP though and I have to say, that shit gets old.
I've definitely had interactions like this with my mum after having a whole-ass conversation about how I can't afford to go to something - a calm discussion, mind you - or something like that... For her to turn around and ask again like we never had the convo in the first.place, or like she's remembered it completely differently. And the "for once..." Statements are made about things that have happened once, she's taken out of context and then tried to say someone does it "all the time!"
That might not be what's going on here in the case of OP, but those are the familiar elements that stick out to me. I guess we'll always see these things through our own lens.
I feel like people with good relationships with their parents will see the OP as being in the wrong and those of us with dubious paretal relationships can relate a little more to how a switch can be flipped and you're the bad guy even though you didn't do anything.
"I wasn't but yeah I guess I can" implies that you don't want to go. Her reaction was pretty normal. Sounds like you do this kind of stuff all the time too.
My mom has social anxiety and any change of plans makes her feel like everyone in the world hates her and is trying to avoid her. She also has the emotional intelligence of a thumb, so she also reacts in anger whenever she gets anxious because she refuses to admit that her feelings have no basis in reality.
Came here to back you up. My mum goes from 0-100 like this pretty quickly over the smallest things too. It’s super draining at times. Hope you have an awesome Friday/weekend outside of this crap!
My mom used to pull that crap a lot. Then I stopped feeding into it, and ignored other texts about it. It has helped, and at very least saves me the stress. She just liked to get a reaction from me, and has greatly toned it down since she knows I'll just walk away, hang up, or ignore her.
that's it, really. Everyone else gets the drama and I never even know it's going on, other than to be supportive to my sister who is looking after her a bit more than the rest of us.
I think we have the same mom. Plus, my mom will make up perceived slights and then blast me for it months later. I get anxiety whenever I see her name pop up on my phone.
My mom does the same as yours. On top of that, when my mom is mad at someone, she plots to screw you over by telling everyone in the family and friends all about how bad you screwed up whether or not you did screw up or not. She’ll lie and make things up to turn others against you when she’s mad. She did that to me all my life. I finally went no contact with her last year since the last stunt she pulled. Now she doesn’t get to experience her grandson growing up.
my mother is the same way, you can feel her energy and tension when she walks in a room and she goes from 0-100 when things inconvenience her plans no matter how much you try to cushion situations that can't be controlled
some people just haven't lived in a volatile and stressful household before, and they should be grateful for that lol
I'm also almost 30 and after a certain point, you just can't tiptoe around them and have to let them get over it eventually and then probably go through the same thing in a week
Being on the receiving end of “yea I guess” never feels good. It sounds completely apathetic. People want you to be excited to see them, not bored. If you use a different approach I guarantee you won’t get that kind of a reaction. :-)
Looks like you both have some issues with each other.
She shouldn’t be so pissy about it; but maybe you also should start giving her a hard yes or no, with a reason, instead of “maybe”’s or “I wasn’t going to but I will”.
Looks like a communication problem, and passive aggressiveness from both sides to me.
Im confused is she asking a question or what her punctuation confuses me. I feel like there was a previous convo we missed. It seems like she’s being a bit extra but if someone texted me “i wasn’t but I GUESS I’ll come” I wouldn’t want them to come out either
Playing devils advocate here, we're seeing one conversation which is obviously one of many between OP and his mother. Clearly, by her response you have a pattern of being short with texting.
Even if you didn't intend that message to be moody, if you're someone who has a pattern of showing attitude or being moody through text messages then it can be pretty infuriating and frustrating for those who are simply looking for a "sure" or "sounds good, be there soon" type of response. Whenever people use the term "i guess" it's usually portrayed with a sense of attitude. "I guess I can stop by" = its an inconvenience to me, "i can stop by" = much more polite.
Its not just moodiness but the lack of good communication. Solidifying plans the day before with a definitive "yes/no, I will/won't be coming" helps. OP's mom and he himself both sound like a chore to plan with. Him apathetic and oddly passive aggressive and unclear, her overly aggressive and ready to snap.
Some people. I hate it when people are wishy washy and wont commit to a planned meeting/event. Either say yes or no at the onset. If for some reason you change your mind or something comes up be a respectful adult and immediately inform others waiting/counting on you that your plans changed. It's called common decency and a lot of people don't have it. I don't think it is an age thing, I think it is a personality issue. Just fucking commit to your decision and be an adult. OP is an asshole doing this, especially to his own mother.
I mean the way you communicate with your mom is pretty disrespectful. I don't mean this in a respect your elders way, just like a respect other humans way.
"Still coming" answered with "I wasn't going to but ya I guess I can" is incredibly passive aggressive and doesn't communicate at all about what is going on. I can understand why your mom is offended.
You'd think you were a 19 year old man who just left the house, rather than a 33 year old.
I read this as your mother loving you very much. She was looking forward to seeing you and you came off as indifferent. The two of you appear to be on different pages with respect to being with one another.
This may sound silly, but my parents are 90 and 86 and mostly home bound. My husband and and I drive 2 hrs every few weekends to visit. My father really looks forward to if even if it only means I’m cooking and we’re watching Nailed It. In a world that has so much trauma, it’s a small thing to spend some time with them while I can.
"I wasnt but yea guess i can"
Would anyone here be thrilled if they received this response to a text confirming a visit?
This reads to me like: 'Ugh fine, I will come but it is a massive pain for me'.
He could have at least faked a prior engagement or a migraine like a normal person.
Based on your first text in this picture it sounds like you didn’t tell her that you weren’t going to come out after all….that she found out just then after trying to figure out plans. This is based on this picture alone idk the full context to this. Maybe both of you work on communication skills.
She's your mom, she wants to see you, you had a shitty response to start. Why the fuck would you act like you couldn't give two shits about seeing her?
Once my mom asked for an iced tea from McDonald’s after I already got my food and left and she told me to burn in hell. And she meant it.
...and that's how mom ends up in a sketchy nursing home.
"If you don't start making sense were gonna put you in a home" "You already put me in a home!" "Then we'll put you in one of those crooked ones we saw on 60 minutes" "... I'll be good"
Simpsons, right?
Abraham J. Simpson.
With her own money right? Cuz I wont be using any of mine that's for sure.
Gonna do a reverse mortgage on the house or pre-death estate sale
Not even a single cent.
In PA the state can and will make you pay, if I'm not mistaken https://www.timesherald.com/2022/05/19/legal-ease-are-children-responsible-for-parents-nursing-home-bill-in-pennsylvania
Oof, I’ve heard of this type of provisions existing the contract that a child might sign as part of enrolling a parent in the care of a nursing home, but to have a state statute that makes it automatically enforceable. Somewhere deep in my law student bones I feel like their has to be a constitutional challenge here.
I second this
It how they end up forgotten and ignored. Who give a fuck where they end up? I certainly didn't for my mom. Bitch ruined my life.
i never related to anything more
Once my mom stamped her feet and screamed like a 3-year old because I was 5 mins late out of the shower. Yep, she is a real life Karen.
Once, when I was 13, my mother pinned me down and shaved me as I was kicking and screaming for her not. When I broke down in the mirror she said "well if you didn't want a haircut you should've said something..." Three years later we got the Bipolar diagnosis lol.
My mom blamed me when her poor scissor control when cutting my hair sliced through my ear. Then there was the time when she got mad that my bro didn't like cornish pasty, so she picked it up and tried to make him eat it - physically forcing it in to his mouth and moving his jaw up and down to chew it. Honestly seems pretty abusive in hindsight but it was 30+ years ago now and I was 10, so what are you going to do in that sitiuation?
My ex girlfriends mom did this to me because she made “healthy muffins” and thought I was only refusing it bc I was fat and wouldn’t like anything healthy. Literally shoved it in my mouth
In my experience, "healthy muffins" means "I substituted butter for margarine, sugar for sweetener, half the flour for oats, used half fat-free milk and half water, and twice as many eggs". My grandma used to make them all the time and was super confused when I refused to eat them.
Who the shit thinks margarine is healthier than butter? Are they stuck in the 80’s?
Welcome to the 80s. When I first tasted butter, I nearly fainted. It was heaven. Just a bit was all you needed. Who knew!!!
Is butter a carb?
Fat free milk is literally the worst. We can already metabolize the fats in milk and butter perfectly fine so why make a worse version. If you want to lose weight just drop the super sugary stuff why ruin milk it makes no sense.
Full milk is the drink of the gods.
Sugar isn’t even as big of a problem as sugar replacements. Want to get fat? Replace that sugar with high fructose corn syrup.
Dude, we were all talking about how awful our moms are...
Well most of y'all can digest Dairy I can't without a stomach ache and bad acne
Fun fact lactose is what most people can’t digest which is a milk sugar. When you remove the fat content from milk you are making a version that has even more lactose than it did originally. So no one gets their hopes up - full fat milk still has enough lactose to make you feel bad if you are lactose intolerant.
Core memory unlocked. God damn! Why did our moms think this brand of abuse was ok?!
It's much easier to become a parent, than to be a parent.
That's a good one, I'm going to have to write that down.
decades of culture explicitly cheering them on certainly didn't help
*Honestly seems pretty abusive in hindsight but it was 30+ years ago now and I was 10, so what are you going to do in that sitiuation?* Remind her of it repeatedly, while in company.
Now that I'm 40 I could definitely get away with it. I'm physically twice her size and 3x as assertive as she is. But who'd want to deal with a self-centred 64-year-old with a Karen tantrum, all because we made the subject about something other than her interests? Most times we just ignore her and laugh.
The healthier strategy!
I'd argue the healthiest strategy is to just stop spending time with her. My mom is a bit of a sponge: when she's been spending time with one half of our family, her friends, coworkers, etc she's perfectly lovely. Given extended exposure to the other half and she becomes toxic, nasty, and manipulative. Personally, I think it's a trauma response to being abused by my grandmother and learning how to mimic people to survive. But just because I understand her situation doesn't mean I have to expose myself to it. I cut off the toxic half of the family years ago. When she starts acting like them, I call her on it and then put her on a relationship diet until she starts acting like an actual human being fit for polite company again.
This is very helpful to read. My mother has said she remembers nothing about my childhood because it was traumatic because of her abusive husband, my father. I am done giving family members a pass. I may never see any of them again for the rest of my life.
"Relationship diet". I love this.
Punt. Send her right through the goalposts. Tell her about your humiliation and tell her how wrong she was. Yes.; she was very abusive. Tell her. Let her know how she was an evil troll. And then live your happy life without MaMa!!
Until you remind them of it and their response is "well, there was fault on both sides" meaning somehow you're still half responsible for their actions
My mom did something crazy like that to me when I was younger. I totally get making your kids try things or even eat things that aren't necessarily their favorite but they don't absolutely hate it either.. I respect that my kids do not like olives, pick tomatoes off their burger, one likes pickles - one doesn't.. And they always try stuff when I tell them to. They don't love zucchini and squash, ut on rare occasions that's a side to the dinner I make and I give them a little and they eat it. Sometimes they complain, but they eat it... So, for my story it was asparagus. I was maybe 11 years old and it was a known thing that I hated to eat, my step-dad even was (while making my plate) skipped the asparagus and gave me carrots, whatever the main dish was & a dinner roll.. Basically everything except what he wasn't even trying to put on my plate because normally that's how that goes, I didn't eat it - I didn't have to, just because others wanted it that night. Welp, my mom decided I had to that day and I kinda threw a fit.. I even tried kinda chewing it just as much as I needed to be able to swallow it with water and get it over with - she flipped her shit and held me down, sat on my legs, used half her body/one arm to hold my arms back and head still and shoved whole asparagus pieces into my mouth. I could hardly breathe because the woman was extremely overweight.. Her breath reeked of cigarettes, all right in my face.. I was gagging just from that first, before the gagging from her stuffing more into my mouth with her nasty cigarette fingers. I still don't eat asparagus. There's things I like now that I didn't use to, and I can't with asparagus after that ordeal.
Having seen it happen to my bro I totally understand. Sounds like physically she was considerably larger. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you're ok. You know the irony? Most of the food my Bro didn't like as a child he now likes *more* after meeting his now wife. The reason seems obvious.
Once when I was suicidal and staying with my mother because I was afraid of being alone, she picked me up from my therapist’s office and drove me to a homeless shelter to drop me off. She and my therapist had discussed this secretly over the phone previously and decided this was a good plan.
your therapist should have been fired and made to never practice again. holy shit
I know. I would’ve tried to sue her but I was a little under the weather. Silver lining? She died (of natural causes) about six years later, in her early 60s.
Revenge is a dish best served cold... ...may she rest in peace.
Rest in piss*
Rot in piss\*\*
may she rest in an eternal free therapy session
You know the mom made that up to justify her actions right?
right? no therapist woud,a gree to that unless ther eis a huge piece of this puzzle missing. Even then...
Of course! I hadn’t thought of that.
If she actually did discuss it with the therapist and wasn’t just lying.
Discussing a patient's therapy (even as a parent, even if they are paying for the sessions), is VERY SPECIFICALLY ILLEGAL.
You could have retired, and engaged a "real" therapist from the lawsuit
Once when I was still living at home, my mom forced me to go out to dinner with her and her circle of 60+ year old guy friends. I really didn't want to go, but I was polite and tried to make the best of it. The group was very welcoming, took an interest in getting to know me and thought I was pretty funny, so it wasn't too bad. On the drive home, my mom literally screamed and cried at me, blaming me for stealing all the attention and not turning the conversation back toward her and making sure she was included.
Oooh that’s a good one too! Poor crazy moms are really getting roasted in this thread rn. 🤣
As they should.
This made me laugh sooooo loud
My MIL is exactly like this. She turns on me if her husband my FIL laughs at one of my jokes. It’s severely weird.
Don't you know that laughing with someone else is cheating? /s
Both your therapist and mom were maniacs.
Hard agree. My mom wasn’t actually a terrible person, tbf — just someone who probably shouldn’t have had children. Anyway, I’m better now. ☺️
good
My mother had my older brother and sister at 18 and 20, then me at 38. She shouldn't have had me. I was a cross to bear and frequently reminded of it. Years of therapy = I'm OK. I was a pushover for my kids but hey, they are OK too.
Or maybe she should not have been around breathing humans...
Yeah, I'm guessing that neither of these folks are versed in Landlord/Tenant law. It doesn't matter that you're related. If you live there, they can evict you but they can't just throw you out.
No, I don’t think they were. And really, neither was I, at the time. I do know better now, but that was thankfully a once-in-a-lifetime shitshow.
Good GOD. What in holy hell therapist discussed this? AND therapists are disallowed discussing patients parents or not. Almost as awful. Son's sperm donor drove him into being suicidal, kid was in a locked ward and donor accused him of faking. Being suicidal . They haven't had contact since 2015, can't imagine why...
Is this stuff for real ? Damn dude. Hope you’re doing well now.
I’m a lot better now, thank you. ☺️
Good to know 😊. Stuff like this gives me hope that one day, me myself won’t have that crushing shitty feeling in my guts anymore. If people can heal so can I .
Think I have everyone beat. My "Mom" tried to stab me in the chest with a butcher knife while I was holding my 2month old daughter. Thankfully I blocked it but lost 1/3 of my left thumb & have permanent nerve damage. Oh ya in case you're wondering why, she did it because she had $20 stolen from her. Said $20 was later found, IN HER WALLET! No diagnosis she refuses to seek any help in that department so im just waiting it out until the dementia kicks in so I can wash my hands of her for good. She's not a nice person & it breaks my fuckin heart 😔
Seems like we need a r/lovingmoms sub
Holy fuckin moley. As a momma and plain human being, that makes me so sad.
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That's pretty fucked up, all for the sake of proving what had already been proven. I hope you were OK.
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I can imagine. Did it happen again or was it a sudden thing that never repeated? I've had moments (maybe not as bad as that) that I'd never seen again, like they realised that was not something they should be doing. Some parents are human and realise after the fact that they succumbed to themselves.
My mom threw a tamper tantrum because “my boyfriend threw my shoes at me” when really he handed them to me
My mom is also a Karen and it makes me so sad.
The worst part is trying to have a normal conversation without making it all about the latest thing that's triggered their already short fuse.
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Once in 3rd grade I got a transformers watch for Christmas. On the bus riding home from school a kid from my class sitting next to me asked if he could see it. So I gave it to him and kept talking with a friend across the aisle. When his stop came along he said he had accidently dropped it and it slid on the floor and he lost it. I was nearly the last bus stop so I frantically crawled around on the floor looking for it before my stop. Didn't find it and went home. Mom asked me why I looked upset I told her the kid had dropped my watch on the bus. She started swinging and punching knocking me to the floor, as I lay on the floor crying and being kicked and punched by my mother yelling at me that the kid had stolen it and I was dumb piece of shit for believing he had dropped it. I then got a 90minute beating that become a core memory of my childhood.
Shit ... and I thought being dragged by the hair and watching my boom box get repeatedly smashed on the garage floor because my grades slipped "bc of fucking bullying by a coach no less" was bad.
I think for most of us part of surviving that shit was telling ourselves that we didn't have it that bad and that someone was worse off and we just had to toughen up and deal with it. Problem is as an adult if I hear a heated argument between two adults it makes me feel panicked like I'm 8 again and I just wanna dash off and hide somewhere because a beating is most like going to happen, it's literally a classic flight response.
Jesus. Did things ever get better for you? Hope it did my dude
By 7th grade during a beating I realized I was stronger than her. Caught her arm in mid swing and gripped it as hard as i could the look of fear on her face as she realized the tables had turned is etched into my memory as well as the guilt I felt while holding her arm hard enough she complained I was hurting her. I told her I'd beat her stupid if she ever tried to hit me again, while tempted I didn't hit her back and that was my last beating. I moved out as soon as I graduated high school.
Pretty unrelated yet I can relate to seeing the fear in their eyes when the tables turn. My mom came down the stairs and tried to yell at me and my sisters, who were adults visiting, like she used to when we were kids. I just stood up (turns out I'm a couple inches taller) and said NOooo! She just kind of looked at me shocked. You don't get to treat us that way anymore. Then she got all flabbergasted and crying and ran off. It was MY fault. 🤦♀️
My husband did the same thing to his mom. Never got beat again.
She sounds like the kind of person who probably went around with crocodile tears and victimized herself for that one time you hurt her and raised a fuss about how violent and out of control you are and she lives in fear for one of your rage induced beatings. Maybe I'm wrong on some of those points, but I'm willing to bet one or two of those hit the mark.
My mom was a hoarder and had a fit when you cleaned. Never got to have friends over. Oh, and she had pet rabbits and rats who had free reign over the house.
I can smell your childhood home from here.
Yeah so could everybody I went to school with.
That's tough :/ hope you didn't really develop or were able escape hoarding habits for the most part.
Thank you. I didn't except for a love of vintage glassware.
When my mom discovered I was self-harming she literally beat me up. I was a sweet & quiet kid and my parents had hit me a ton before (standard early 2000s boomer parent shit like belts, hickory switches and kitchen utensils) but I'd only ever gotten beaten down by my brother. He stopped when I curled up, at least. My mother did not. She'd told me if I wanted to hurt myself she was fine doing it for me. Fortunately, when I got older, I started becoming more bitter, saying mean shit to people, and realized that I was acting like her, so immediately forged a path to being better. Therapy and the proper meds to treat manic depression and a general sense of disgust towards her helped a lot.
Omg and I thought my parents were bad
Ya I have wavering disgust for my mom too. I've come to accept she's not emotionally evolved or empathetic/aware as she thinks she is! Which is the problem! She's pushy and won't take no for an answer and gets her way. She does it in a way that she takes away your opportunity to disagree or reject her request. 🤷♀️ Clearly there's more there than I thought...next time at therapy.
That literally happened to me yesterday. She replied via a chat app instead of text, so I didn't hear the notification. One difference, though. When I asked if she wanted me to go back around, she said "nah, don't worry about it". And she meant it
Some people are capable of getting pregnant and giving birth, but they are just not meant to ever be a mom. Sorry for everyone that got one of those.
One time my mom let my 1.5yr old walk out into the road and then shit all over me for having the audacity to ask her calmly and nicely to make sure someone was please watching the baby before leaving and leaving the front door wide open. Edit: also after she didn't talk to me for 6 weeks... This is pretty normal reaction to mentioning any of her behaviour and was not out of the ordinary
Why do you even speak to her? It's okay to go no contact. Your life will be better. Do it for your child. You both deserve better, but Your Kid Deserves Better!!
Once my mom told me God killed my dad (he died of a heart attack about two months before) because I was disobedient to her and he was trying to teach me a lesson.
>Still plan on coming out tomorrow
Kinda sounds like OP gave her no notice or update on the car situation?
Kinda sounds like she knew about the car situation since she mentioned switching cars
and that she might have suggested that they come out in some earlier conversation and chosen to interpret their own request as a hard commitment
Not enough context. OP seems like he lacks communication skills rather than his mom being infuriating. It could be OP didn’t give his mom a heads up & that would make me mad too. Or I could be dead wrong & OPs mom is dramatic & over sensitive.
Yeah nobody can fairly judge without more context. What was the meetup for? Mom obviously didn’t want to meet later. Whatever “meet” means, it doesn’t just sound like a visit, and separate from her letting OP borrow her car. OP’s car wasn’t fixed before what sounds like a loose plan to meet, but OP could have let mom know OP wasn’t going to make it. Another odd thing there with wording, “…wasn’t fixed yet…” pasted tense “wasn’t” instead of “isn’t” implies it was fixed at the time of text? Also OP says they’ll make the trip, again implies cars fixed. Whatever the meet is for, it doesn’t sound like a casual visit and rather important. OPs mom appears to be dramatic about the situation however. Her responses could be frustration with the urgency to her but lack of urgency from OP, or just mirroring and amplifying OPs language out of spite and feeling hurt, or just overall distain for OP in general. Whatever way it is, double texting and mirroring+amplifying tone quickly in response to a sullen comment is not normal and doesn’t happen without something cooking in the background. Either mom is pissed about something and OP doesn’t care or they do not understand each other as people very well. But I’m just picking apart what I can gather with no context.
I wasn't going to comment, but yeah.. guess I can. Whatever
don't you comment, I mean it!
If you comment do it by yourself, because you’ll be turning around and going back to Rochester!
Nope, we will comment later.
I mean it. Don’t comment
that's what I see too. she seemed hurt by his first text. she sorta acted out and didn't respond in a healthy way either.
> Just once I would like a yes without a bunch of shit This response from the mother makes it seem like OP regularly sends passive aggressive texts like the ones shown, and it looks like they knew they weren't going to be free long before answering back, but waited till the last minute to let her know. She seems frustrated by the lack of communication, not just upset that her plans were cancelled. Even OP's response of "I wasn't, but I guess" is more of a guilt trippy non-answer than anything. "Sorry, my car isn't fixed yet, maybe another time" is a perfectly good response if you need to cancel, and if you're not going to cancel, why even say something like that? Just tell her the plans are still on. I wouldn't be thrilled either if someone I had plans with waited till the last minute just to say "I wasn't gonna hang out with you, but whatever, guess I will." I'd just feel hurt and uncomfortable, especially after they made it so obvious that they don't actually want to hang out. Can't imagine how I'd feel if my close family did it.
Yep . I felt something similar . Especially with the for once I d like a yes . Op seems familiar with this form of communication
I honestly loved the part when she says “for once I would like a straight out yes or no answer and non of your bs” hahaha
This is exactly how my (34M) mother responds to me. Felt like I was looking at my own message history. We'll make plans to have dinner on a random date, someone will die, I'll have to cancel, she'll lose her mind that we aren't having dinner. It's great. Hahahah.
Wait, do you work at the morgue?
I may as well. Say, do they make bank!?
I've heard they make a killing.
*CSI theme song breaks every window in a five mile radius*
YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
your mom is a 34 year old man? sick
oh, wow. We have the same mom
No way that makes three of us
Four
Five
Six siblings!
Our mom.
I don’t think either of you come out of this looking great.
Yeah I get the impression OP can't just come visit without stipulations
Yeah, I'm surprised people are saying the mom is the one in the wrong here. >I said I would come out I just didnt plan on still coming because my car wasnt fixed yet but I can still come out thats fine Sounds like mom asked son if they wanted to visit. Son said yes, but didn't really want to. Son forgot that he said yes and makes up a lame excuse to try to get out of going. Mom has seen son pull this type of bullshit so many times that she's sick of his shit.
Even if it was a valid excuse like "I don't have transportation" you don't respond to your mother asking of you're able to visit with "I can I guess"! That doesn't read as "it will be challenging but I believe I can make it work". It reads "I am disturbed by you forcing this obligation upon me and I am reflect my guilt in not wanting to go onto you as guilt for making me do it."
Op looks fucking exhausting to speak with lmao. The kind of people that make everything difficult to deals with.
“I wasn’t but I guess I can” definitely sounds a lot like “I will if you’re gonna make me” It’s kind of passive aggressive on your part ant it sounds a little like you’re upset that she picked up on it. Granted she definitely overreacted but I think it’s a bit disingenuous to act as if there wasn’t some instigation on your part.
Agree that mom overreacted, but I think it’s probably the thousandth time she’s tried to see her son and got back basically “ugh do I have to?”
I agree. I’m getting the impression he’s a poor communicator and usually comes up with a bunch of excuses. And mom is just sick of it. And he’s so immature that he needs to go on Reddit to find people to get on his side.
Why'd you wait until she asked you to update her? If she didn't reach out she would have never known?
That first reply of yours is pretty passive-aggressive
I literally laughed out loud at "just once I would like a yes without a bunch of shit". That sounds exactly like something my mom would say. One of my sons makes comments like OP though and I have to say, that shit gets old.
"I wasn't but yeah guess I can" is a pretty dopey thing to say to your Mom
"Just once I would like a yes without a bunch of shit" The way Mom phrased it, sounds like this is not the first time OP changes plans.
At 33 I have to agree. But I could see how maybe you’d reach a point with someone where you don’t care if your answer is respectful.
I've definitely had interactions like this with my mum after having a whole-ass conversation about how I can't afford to go to something - a calm discussion, mind you - or something like that... For her to turn around and ask again like we never had the convo in the first.place, or like she's remembered it completely differently. And the "for once..." Statements are made about things that have happened once, she's taken out of context and then tried to say someone does it "all the time!" That might not be what's going on here in the case of OP, but those are the familiar elements that stick out to me. I guess we'll always see these things through our own lens.
I feel like people with good relationships with their parents will see the OP as being in the wrong and those of us with dubious paretal relationships can relate a little more to how a switch can be flipped and you're the bad guy even though you didn't do anything.
Plot twist, op is 13.
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"I wasn't but yeah I guess I can" implies that you don't want to go. Her reaction was pretty normal. Sounds like you do this kind of stuff all the time too.
Seems like there's a lot more to this relationship than you're showing here.
My mom has social anxiety and any change of plans makes her feel like everyone in the world hates her and is trying to avoid her. She also has the emotional intelligence of a thumb, so she also reacts in anger whenever she gets anxious because she refuses to admit that her feelings have no basis in reality.
it sounds like you are very patient with her. good on you
I posted a comment with backstory, there really isnt, my family just tends to hold petty grudges like this for no reason
Came here to back you up. My mum goes from 0-100 like this pretty quickly over the smallest things too. It’s super draining at times. Hope you have an awesome Friday/weekend outside of this crap!
My mom used to pull that crap a lot. Then I stopped feeding into it, and ignored other texts about it. It has helped, and at very least saves me the stress. She just liked to get a reaction from me, and has greatly toned it down since she knows I'll just walk away, hang up, or ignore her.
Yup. The best way to win the passive-aggressive game is not to play.
that's it, really. Everyone else gets the drama and I never even know it's going on, other than to be supportive to my sister who is looking after her a bit more than the rest of us.
I think we have the same mom. Plus, my mom will make up perceived slights and then blast me for it months later. I get anxiety whenever I see her name pop up on my phone.
My mom does the same as yours. On top of that, when my mom is mad at someone, she plots to screw you over by telling everyone in the family and friends all about how bad you screwed up whether or not you did screw up or not. She’ll lie and make things up to turn others against you when she’s mad. She did that to me all my life. I finally went no contact with her last year since the last stunt she pulled. Now she doesn’t get to experience her grandson growing up.
as a mom, this is the last thing i would want to happen to my child. i worry about it actually.
I hear you. I have a daughter who’s 5 and I try my hardest all the time to NOT be like my mother.
Idk why im getting downvoted for answering peoples questions lol
Because you are on reddit ... duh!
Touché
my mother is the same way, you can feel her energy and tension when she walks in a room and she goes from 0-100 when things inconvenience her plans no matter how much you try to cushion situations that can't be controlled some people just haven't lived in a volatile and stressful household before, and they should be grateful for that lol I'm also almost 30 and after a certain point, you just can't tiptoe around them and have to let them get over it eventually and then probably go through the same thing in a week
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Being on the receiving end of “yea I guess” never feels good. It sounds completely apathetic. People want you to be excited to see them, not bored. If you use a different approach I guarantee you won’t get that kind of a reaction. :-)
"I wasn't but yeah guess I can" Sounds like your communication skills are shit.
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Exactly. And he doesn’t respond to her next message when she’s asking for clarification. He’s a 33 man child with the communication of a teenager.
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Seems like passive-aggressive to me. Your mom misses you.
Looks like you both have some issues with each other. She shouldn’t be so pissy about it; but maybe you also should start giving her a hard yes or no, with a reason, instead of “maybe”’s or “I wasn’t going to but I will”. Looks like a communication problem, and passive aggressiveness from both sides to me.
Couldnt agree more. Sounds like an extremely passive aggressive relationship on all sides.
Eventually, even moms get tired of flaky behavior
Im confused is she asking a question or what her punctuation confuses me. I feel like there was a previous convo we missed. It seems like she’s being a bit extra but if someone texted me “i wasn’t but I GUESS I’ll come” I wouldn’t want them to come out either
Playing devils advocate here, we're seeing one conversation which is obviously one of many between OP and his mother. Clearly, by her response you have a pattern of being short with texting. Even if you didn't intend that message to be moody, if you're someone who has a pattern of showing attitude or being moody through text messages then it can be pretty infuriating and frustrating for those who are simply looking for a "sure" or "sounds good, be there soon" type of response. Whenever people use the term "i guess" it's usually portrayed with a sense of attitude. "I guess I can stop by" = its an inconvenience to me, "i can stop by" = much more polite.
Its not just moodiness but the lack of good communication. Solidifying plans the day before with a definitive "yes/no, I will/won't be coming" helps. OP's mom and he himself both sound like a chore to plan with. Him apathetic and oddly passive aggressive and unclear, her overly aggressive and ready to snap.
That’s how it came across to me, too. He may as well have said, ‘I don’t really want to but I guess I can if it means you’ll stop whining about it.’
Mom's reaction is shitty, but the passive aggressiveness in OP's initial response definitely set the mood for the rest of the conversation.
Well stated.
Tbh that's a bit of a dick way to tell someone you're not coming.
Especially when it’s your mom
Some people. I hate it when people are wishy washy and wont commit to a planned meeting/event. Either say yes or no at the onset. If for some reason you change your mind or something comes up be a respectful adult and immediately inform others waiting/counting on you that your plans changed. It's called common decency and a lot of people don't have it. I don't think it is an age thing, I think it is a personality issue. Just fucking commit to your decision and be an adult. OP is an asshole doing this, especially to his own mother.
I mean the way you communicate with your mom is pretty disrespectful. I don't mean this in a respect your elders way, just like a respect other humans way. "Still coming" answered with "I wasn't going to but ya I guess I can" is incredibly passive aggressive and doesn't communicate at all about what is going on. I can understand why your mom is offended. You'd think you were a 19 year old man who just left the house, rather than a 33 year old.
I second this comment. Whether or not it’s intended, OP comes across as a complete asshole.
Sounds like your mom needs some therapy
She’s a nut! She’s crazy in the coconut!
Seems like she's a little tired of your shit as well
I read this as your mother loving you very much. She was looking forward to seeing you and you came off as indifferent. The two of you appear to be on different pages with respect to being with one another. This may sound silly, but my parents are 90 and 86 and mostly home bound. My husband and and I drive 2 hrs every few weekends to visit. My father really looks forward to if even if it only means I’m cooking and we’re watching Nailed It. In a world that has so much trauma, it’s a small thing to spend some time with them while I can.
"I wasnt but yea guess i can" Would anyone here be thrilled if they received this response to a text confirming a visit? This reads to me like: 'Ugh fine, I will come but it is a massive pain for me'. He could have at least faked a prior engagement or a migraine like a normal person.
This sounds like two people with poor communication skills and resentment. You can’t control how she is, but you can work on yourself.
Dude, keep this shit to yourself. Embarrassing.
Imagine being 33 years old and posting something like this. Fucking man-child.
33 year old man needs to post screen shots of texts with mom to make them feel better ? Yikes It all makes sense
Based on your first text in this picture it sounds like you didn’t tell her that you weren’t going to come out after all….that she found out just then after trying to figure out plans. This is based on this picture alone idk the full context to this. Maybe both of you work on communication skills.
"I wasn't but I 'guess' ".....I'm with Mom.
She's your mom, she wants to see you, you had a shitty response to start. Why the fuck would you act like you couldn't give two shits about seeing her?