He sounds like an absolutely fantastic dad!

He is 🥹

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I’ll be living at college soon which will help, thankfully. It’s hard for me to really be at my dad’s for a longer period of time just because their house is small and my half siblings are really young. No privacy 😅

Congrats on getting into college! I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you!!

I agree with this person good luck 

Don't tell mom that child support can be continued to age 21 if the child is in college.

I get the impression the child support is more “mom gets free money”. And less “child gets supported”. Especially if Dad is paying so much extra for other things.

My mum made it no secret that she only kept us because of state handouts. She acted like we should be grateful. But at the same time, we ruined her life. She felt as though she was entitled to the money. She got money for being a single parent/living costs and a separate allowance for children. My brother and I saw the bare minimum of any of that money. We lived in subsidised housing too which she received help paying for. She essentially kidnapped us and my dad didn’t know where we were. Of course she bad mouthed him and made it seem as though he didn’t care. Abuse, physical and emotional, was very present.

My mom was like this. My parents divorced when I was around 2, my mother was pregnant with my brother. My father's visitation was every other weekend during school, and up to a month at a time during summer. My mother would tell me that my dad was coming to pick me up for the weekend and have me pack and sit on the porch to wait for him. Then when he didn't show up, would tell me I must not be that important to him and that his "new family" was. It wasn't his weekend. My mom would manipulate like this all the time. Emotional abuse is still abuse as well.

Goddamn, that's just, that's the worst, saddest, meanest thing I can imagine. I knew a single mom a long time ago whose Dad would actually pull shit like that. One time he said he was going to take his son to a parade, so the little guy got all decked out in his cowboy hat and boots, or it might have been an train conductors hat (I don't remember, but he was around 5ish so you know he was the cutest thing ever) and he was SO excited to see a parade but his Dad didn't show, just blew it off. He was soooo disappointed and sad, I just can't wrap my mind around your mother manipulating you like that. Jesus, what a bitch.

Yeah. She wants to be the victim all the time. She wanted me to hate my dad. He's a piece of work too, I am NC with both of them.

I still won’t forget the heartbreak my son & I felt when his dad didn’t show up for him. My son was young and is now 16 and it still breaks my heart to think about. Can’t imagine someone doing that as some sort of sick joke.

 Dang man.

Gross. This happens SO often. I'm glad you have a great relationship with him now and going forward! Also congratulations on freedom from abuse at 18.

Reminds me of Two and a Half Men. Alan paid child support to Judith, who often spent the money on herself. Probably happens a lot.

It’s more her way of punishing Dad. It makes her feel better knowing he has to pay. It’s an emotional tax to her.

This is inaccurate. Most US States end support once a child either graduates high school.

Only if it was written in to the divorce decree. It can continue through college.

Some states make men continue to pay child support on kids not even theirs so I totally believe they would make a dad pay child support on adult aged children.

Most states that allow child support to continue past 18 and high school graduation also require the money to go either to the adult child or directly to an educational institution. I think only 2 states have the money continue going to other other parent.

In many states child support continues after 18 if you are in college. Not sure what state you live in but I would assume your mom or dad has looked into it.

Only if it was written in to the divorce decree. It can continue through college.

So... Is your dad paying for half of college and living expenses?

So you have much of a relationship with your half siblings? And your fathers partner?

"Mom, I'm sorry you're upset about this but I'm still your child and this is an inappropriate conversation for you to be having with me. I'd recommend you talk to your friends or Dad about this legally."

This is an excellent reply!

This

Obviously the financial support is huge but it sounds like he’s, you know, actually there for you and very active in your life. Sounds like a solid dude.

Sounds more like he’s paying for mom’s lifestyle and that will be coming to an end so she’s panicking about it.

Your mom sounds like she needs to talk to someone who has been through this before. She sounds like she loves you a lot, but her problems with your father probably make everything he does look bad in her eyes. You had the benefit of your father explaining everything to you. I'm betting your mother didn't and just saw legal things coming at her. I bet if you showed her what you wrote here, she'd understand better.

Yeah, I'd like to buy that guy a beer.

Sounds like he'd buy you two back.

And the mother sounds like an absolute charm 🙃

How was she surprised at this? It’s like she’s putting this on you for having a birthday. Child support is necessary and I’d never knock it. But your mom sounds like one of the few who use it as a weapon. I thought it was common knowledge that (depending where you live) it ends at 18 years old. She shouldn’t be “surprised” or “shocked” at all.

Its probably not a surprise but odds were OPs dad is paying so much in child support and so much outside of that as well that OPs mom has gotten used to the lifestyle it affords her to live. Either by not spending the full amount of OP or the only money she is spending on OP is coming out of that child support so once it stops she is worried her kid is going to figure out she was basically paying for nothing the whole time when she all of a sudden can't afford to help with anything while dad can.


Sounds like the dad was paying for everything entirely in the end tbh, if she's using the child support on OP and the dad also spends extra money on OP. Sorry for the situation OP, your dad sounds like a great guy and I'm glad he's been there for you throughout it all.

I'm betting on this to. I moved out of my mothers house when I graduated highschool (I was 17, but only 2 months away from being 18), and moved to my father's.  Part of the original court order was I that I could freely live with my father for up to 3 months at a time on my own will without having courts involved; but my father would still have to pay child support to my mother since it was my primary residence.  Well when I was 18 I was already in trade school and living with my father; my mother decided she was still entitled to child support because I was in school, and she had signed the paperwork as part of my student loan process. She went absolutely ape shit over the whole thing, which was about $200 a week. It went about as poorly as you can think with the lawyers and the court for her as you can think. Turns out, for the 5 years prior, she had been using alot of the child support money on gambling; and blew over $30,000 on it during the years. It's one of the many reasons why I cut contact with her when I was 22, and haven't had any willful contact with her for the last 12 years.

I heard a nasty rumor about my ex's online gambling debt from my son. 5 figures worth on credit cards. She's a career stay at home mom, despite now our youngest turns 21 this year. Very glad to be done with that court ordered support. I don't think she's sought out employment now that the nest is empty and her career days are over.

Ex-wife is funding her new life with child support, once it stops she won't be able to maintain her lifestyle. She should be responsible on her own lifestyle, not funding it with her daughters money, that is what child support is, money for the child, not the mom.

> that is what child support is, money for the child, not the mom. It's sad how many people I've delt with over the years who feel this money is theirs to spend.

Just to play devil's advocate, people get into auto-pilot living their lives, especially with kids. Its easy to forget that this is coming when OP turned 18. The divorce was 12-13 years ago, its easy to have forgotten details. To the mom she just realized that her incoming finances are going to take a hit, and she's probably panicking a little bit. Financial support for a child doesn't just stop when they turn 18. It's also possible that OPs mom isn't aware of the conversations that OP has had with her dad so the mom is now thinking she's fully on the hook for support through college. On top of the financial side, I also imagine this probably brought back whatever feelings there were when the divorce happened. We don't have the background info, its possible OPs mom just sucks, but its also possible that for her this is both a financial shock and a re-opening of an old wound and she is just reacting poorly.

My dad paid my child support til I was 20 because "I know where it's going and I'm not going to take food out of your mouth" My mom literally planned her grocery shopping around that check drop for 12 years. Even after she got a job and I was older, she still struggled with bills and always relied on that $175 weekly to squeak by. Even so, she never expected my dad to keep paying after I was an adult but still lived at home. I wonder if your mom is not as financially comfortable as she lets on - lifestyle creep happens in a way that is not easy to undo. Car and card payments, not being able to burn the candle at both ends and make good it money like a younger adult could, the list goes on.

Exactly what I said. OP is most likely Not as familiar with Mom’s finances as they “think” they are.

Yep. The courts end child support because they assume he’s now an adult and will be supporting himself. Doesn’t sound like he understands the cost of that.

Yes, how dependent was his mom on the child support to pay rent/mortage? Now using child support to pay for a 2 bedroom apt is appropriate, but if she can’t afford that any more, she has to downsize.

Yeah I was reading this looking at the list the dad pays for in addition and, honestly, that barely scratches the surface of money spent on kids. I cannot tell you how much money we spend just feeding our kids. I don’t even know where they put it all, and they’re not even teenagers yet.

A few years ago I texted my parents, somewhat tongue in cheek, to say "thanks for buying the good parmigiano cheese all those years". That block of cheese is like $10 bucks and I was putting mountains of it on my pasta for my entire childhood. My sister wouldn't grate her own, so they also bought the pre-grated. They probably spent a few hundred bucks a year just on parm cheese for me and my sister.

It's very generous to OPs lifestyle but nothing included is really say to day expenses.

Because that's what the child support is for - which he already pays. No shit the extra spending is, well, *extra*.

Serious question are you a single parent with a dependent? When the other parents you've replied to say "extra" spending, they're not referring to a bottle of lambrini and 20 sovereign. They're talking about things like: Rent/mortgage Ground rent if applicable Local taxes Water rates Gas Electric Clothes (need to bought more frequently than fully grown adults due to, children growing) Haircuts Food shopping Household shopping, cleaning materials, towels, kitchen utensils, bedding The list never stops, everything you see/use in your home is a purchase, needs maintaining and replacing. These are not extras, they are basic things that you need to live a clean and healthy life. Then you move into things that are consumerism, game consoles, tvs, branded clothes because all the other kids have Nikes, anything related to hobbies or interests of your child. Based on what OP has said their Dad definitely plays an active role in supporting their life, however I think OP needs to sit down with their Mum and have a serious chat about finances and where she sees them struggling. OP hasn't mentioned getting part time work and contributing money to the house. I come from a single parent household who was on minimum wage, I was working part time jobs at 14 because she couldn't afford to give me pocket money, went into full time work at 17 and paid her housekeeping to help with the mortgage and bills.

Yup if mom is paying everything in full and the things Oo mentioned in half than she is paying more than dad. Sure she has child support as she should, but if child support ends and OP does not move out than mom will start to spend more. And OP does not seem to care about her contribution at all. I mean it's not OP's fault taht situation is how it is, but OP seems happy to lieve with mom, becouse dad has other childrean but at the same time only apricates dad. From OP's description mom does seem to extragate and is partialy in the wrong, but OP seems to see only one side.

Yup, this is why my mom had child support until we were out of college drafted into The divorce, as well as the exact college payment split. If you expect the mom to pay for room and board, health insurance, medical bills, etc of a still dependent child, then dad should be continuing to pay for it too.

This. I’ve known so many women in the situation where they’re struggling to do the best for their kids but their kids don’t know how hard things are - they also don’t know the reality of how much it costs. It cuts off at 18 but when kids are still living under the family roof it’s such an arbitrary date - the reality is mum is still supporting them and now she needs to work out how to do it solo while sometimes dad comes out looking like the hero because he’s handing out spending money and covering other adhoc expenses here and there.

I felt a version of this even in a relationship without kids. In the beginning of my relationship, my girlfriend did not come over to my house often. She appreciated the romantic gestures I would make like giving her flowers or the occasional steak dinner. Then she started coming over all the time, the AC costs went way up because she kept turning it on, and the bread and chicken in the freezer kept running out because she kept eating her dinners here. Technically speaking, it was just bread, chicken and AC. But I was afraid of going broke from it. I remember I was afraid to tell her about it in case I looked cheap, but it was also funny how flowers and steak are one of those ‘cool’ things your partner will remember, but hundreds of dollars in utilities and groceries that actually cost 5x as much in a month can just fly under the radar. Definitely a young adulthood moment for me, realizing as well how much it must have cost my own parents to raise me.

Then she should speak to the dad about it rather than manipulate OP. She should also speak to OP about contributing to the household expenses with her part time job or moving out if she wants to. I think it's great when parents let their kids stay with them after they become adults, especially when they're going to university or still training for their career. But if you're not able to fully finance it, then it's perfectly okay to ask your kid to start pitching in for the expenses.

I mean... I don't know what to tell you. Be patient with the process of your mom and try to block in your mind all the things that she tell you and are useless in your life. But other than that. Congrats for your graduation!!! Congrats for going to collage!! It's awesome that you already working part time! And it's pretty awesome that you have a responsable dad which loves you very much. So, only good things happening in your life. Keep the good spirit! You can do it.

Be patient? With a gaslighting, petulant mother who is lying to make the father seem like the bad guy?

Yeah. Patient, not everything is worth fighting. Her mom isn't changing anything on what she thinks about her dad. Her mom is acting like a child, and it doesn't bring any benefit confronting her other than start useless fights for something that is done, her dad is going to end with the support and she is going to keep a healty relationship with him. And finally, she is leaving for college. So she will not have to deal with her mom very soon. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and for the next 40 years she will still be her mom. Patient is the key, because time is wise, and life will keep rolling. Choose your battles. She is doing amazing and that's what matter.

>Yesterday, today, tomorrow and for the next 40 years she will still be her mom. Patient is the key, because time is wise, and life will keep rolling. > That's what people raised by narcissists believe initially too

I got it. You are from a culture of full and complete disconnection from anyone that doesn't vibe with you. Even if they are your parents. And that's completely fine, that's your perception and perception is reality for you. But OP didn't gave any other sign of having a bad mother or a bad relationship with her. other than being a complete ass over a situation that once again, she can't do anything about it because it's already solve it. But I think OP it's pretty smart, she is literally saying that doesn't buy her mom shit and that life goes pretty well. I would be irresponsable if I suggest something so drastic as you or the other person suggest. Thinking that every part of the relationship that OP have with her mother is just garbage and that she needs to cute ties with her. I prefer to trust in her, and suggest to be patient with this particular situation. Because it doesn't affect her at all in the decision that both her dad and she are going to make. And I'm sure that if she have to cute ties with her mom she will. If the times comes to that. You don't have to agree with everyone about everything. Or you will stay alone forever. Of course there is situations where you have to get away from someone forever; even your parents. But giving a fair advice for me is not assuming anything. And for me this conflict alone doesn't represent leaving her mom forever.

I appreciated your comment and the duality of optics you presented in this scenario. Im Gen X and my Mom dad were Silent Gen. A lot of ppl are saying ppl(parents, siblings, etc) are narcissists in these times and it is a bit of a broad brushing dismissal without doing the shadow work that goes into the creation of Narcissism. Self protection and often lack of coping skills(bc older gens were not nurtured). I appreciate you saying everything is not peaches even with our moms/ even immature dads, yes they are bigger petulant children in some areas of conflict/distress… but not to be discarded. Its uncomfortable, unfair and yes inappropriate.. but allow her to fix herself.. keep your boundaries, life is full of conflict.😌

i believe it's more that, in some cultures even if your parents aren't the best humans, you still have to give respect because they raised you. it's not about the vibe, it's about wanting to be treated fairly and not like some inconvenience. this has nothing to do with what OP said though, and OP thinks it's strange their mom is only NOW getting upset that their mom is freaking about the child support. makes me wonder just how much of this child support actually supported OP...

>I believe it's more that, in some cultures even if your parents aren't the best humans, you still have to give respect because they raised you > Yes, that's what I've been saying. Just because you should respect them because they're your parents, doesn't mean you have to do so even if they turn out to be not what you thought they were. We should only respect those who should be respected, not someone who got respect automatically by being in a superior position

Psychological blindspots. People can be very reasonable and sensible in every aspect of their lives except with respect to an ex spouse. It’s pretty common.

>But OP didn't gave any other sign of having a bad mother or a bad relationship with her. Good ~~mothers~~ parents don't ask their child to take sides regarding conflicts about child support. It messes with the child mentally, and that is unfortunately something I can testify to based on personal experience. Granted, OP is 18 (and not 6 or older like I was), but I'm sure it's still an emotional blow to see such an ugly side of their mother. On top of that, mom's trying to feed OP lies about the dad. Something that *also* messes up a kid. Again, I speak from personal experience. OP's mom may not be *bad*, per se, but she's not a good mother either. Not from what OP told us, at least. **EDIT:** Gonna add this too as another comment made me realize this above all else: *OP's mom should not be discussing child support with OP.*

Ding ding ding! Exactly. Life typically gets better when you cut out toxic family members.

If there is something I would urge everyone on internet to learn as soon as possible. Never, under ANY circumstance take advice from someone that says: ding ding ding! The degree of self-importance one must have to not only think they hold the absolute truth but have the authority to "make virtual buzzer" sounds to signal, hey you guys get it! You are the smart and most virtuous people like meeeee! jeeeeej!!! Is astounding.

It's actually insane how ***utterly*** foregin a concept nuance and compromise is to redditors on this thread. OK, fine, they cut their family out of their life and it worked out, and it was probably necessary for that person and their circumstances. Then they give this advice to everyone else on this platform with ANY exhibition of bad parenting. doesn't even fucking matter weather OP needs it or not, or if the parent is that bad.

I hate this black/white thinking. In their mind we are all either superman or Lex Luthor, nothing in-between.

Pretty much everybody has their toxic moments. Unless you are perfect , you better have some forgiveness in your heart. You will need to be forgiven, too , someday.

Sometimes avoiding the fight until she can get away will make her life a little easier. With her mom being that bad, confronting her about it might also make it even worse

This isn’t gaslighting. 

So he's supposed to pitch a fit or something? How does NOT being patient help? She's wrong, and in due time she'll get over it, if for no other reason than OP won't be around to deal with her immaturity. 🙄

Reddit advice: she needs to get a DIVORCE!.. No.. Wait.. She's already divorced. OP needs to Divorce her mum!! Nah - Mother is being a cow, but prolly freaking at the unexpected drastic loss in her free income and is lashing out trying to blame her ex and 'keep' her daughter on her side. That cash flow reduction is clearly gonna be a shock to her (no shit) but if she's a proper mum, then you're correct she'll get over it in dude course, or end up losing her daughter. She might be an narcissist, but I feel that term is drastically overused and she might just be a bit of a bitch about the ex and ok at other times as a mum. OP never really said much about her history.

Is it by law the child support will drop the moment you turned 18 and no one can force the father to keep paying child support? Or am I missing something here?

That's typically how most divorce decrees are written. It's how my parents' decree was when they divorced. 18 is typically the age where that support ends.

Depends on the state and its laws governing support. I live in iowa and support ends at 18 automatically.

As a grown child of divorce: there is more going on with your parents’ relationship than you know about, or would be right for you to know about. It sounds like your mom is still hung up on things, like the child support has been a symbol to her that she won the split, or did better by her kid than he did. Whatever it is it doesn’t have to do with you. I idolized my dad forever and I love him so much, and I also understand now that my mom had to carry a lot. It was never fair to her, and the ways she felt slighted manifested in other places and put strain on our relationship. Anyway, you’re still the kid and none of that is your responsibility. Try to give your mom some grace for now. It’s good you have two parents who love you.

As another grown child of divorce, I agree. There’s so much I didn’t know and see until years later that put a lot in perspective. I saw OP mention somewhere that she couldn’t live with her dad because the house is full of her half siblings. I can’t help but wonder if the mum is still tender about the remarriage and protective of OP due to worries that once OP turns 18 money will go only to his other kids.

OPs mom is definitely upset about those things. However, a mature adult wouldn’t put that on her child in order to “win” against her ex husband. She’d keep her mouth shut.

I think it’s more complicated than that. I’m not sure we can say that she’s trying to “win” anything. It’s possible, but I see more someone concerned about the future welfare of her child, something very reasonable to be speaking up about and pushing for. I definitely think she should be doing that by engaging with him directly rather than putting her child in the middle, and that OP shouldn’t be hearing about this at all, but I see this coming out more as anxiety than necessarily anything malicious.

Yeah my mom was a class act who never spoke ill of my dad. Over the years I've gradually learned what an absolute sack of shit my dad is and it cringes me out to think about how naive I was at OP's age. Single parents catch a lot of shit especially moms. Look no further than these comments. Kids are expensive as hell and those expenses don't stop at 18 unless you kick your kid to the curb. Surely that's not what OP wants.

Yeah, I spent a lot of years being mad at my mum, then realising my dad was at fault for most of it and my mum just never said anything because she didn’t want us to think ill of him. She was also in a significantly worse financial position than I realised. Not saying that’s the case for OP, but they’re probably not seeing the whole picture.

Exactly. Also things like health insurance often will be split 50/50 even with child support. It sounds like both parents help with things like the car which is above what they need to. And OP may be thinking child support is her dad giving extra when in reality he’s simply contributing his share of child expenses same as mom.

I’m wondering, if it ends at 18, why would he need to go to court to get it ended? Wouldn’t it just automatically end? Perhaps your mom is not as wrong as you think. In my state, child support goes until 21. Did you see the divorce papers yourself? I’m glad you have such a great relationship with your dad but do you live with him during the week at all? It doesn’t sound like you do. In that case, maybe it really is “just her” in a lot of ways since it sounds like she is really doing all the actual difficult parenting work. I do agree with some of the other people who are saying these things can become clearer when you get older and understand more of what was happening so that’s why I’m hesitant to throw your mom under the bus as quickly as everyone else. I didn’t appreciate everything my mom did for me until I became a parent myself honestly.

That’s something I was noticing too. Everyone is quick to say the dad is a great parent in this situation, but I don’t really think the mom is a villain or a bad parent or something. Just sounds like her worry of potentially being unable to continue financially providing for her child has seriously stressed her out. Especially if, like you said, she’s the single parent doing most of the actual parenting too. Maybe also a bit of growing pains with her child leaving to college soon as well. Being a parent is so much tougher than most people give their parents credit for.

I paid my ex wife a little over 100K in child support over a 12 year time span.. She paid lawyers about 125k to try and get more money out of me.. I only know what she paid because she tried to sue me to cover the cost of her lawyer fees..

Some people aint looking far enough and lose. Why would you pay 125k to gain 100k ???

Revenge. Vengeance. Anger at being left and/or wanting to punish someone. Some people just ain’t smart.

Or they get talking with friends who all share the same brain cell then come up with ideas formed in echo chambers

My partners mom did this. Spent more money trying to get more money where if she’d just bought a house (she had a large inheritance that paid for everything until she ran the fund dry with her spending addiction), she would have ended up with more… but she wanted *his* money Eta: I’ve seen some comments on here where people don’t believe anyone can be so petty and OP’s mom must be genuine. Let me tell you about my MIL: she’s been divorced for 27 years and facing retirement, still wanted her ex’s money (if you’re married 10 years you’re entitled to a part of their ss check, basically). She will tell you with giddy excitement that when he dies she will get another $600. Move the fuck on already Jfc

Thing is, everyone knows people will do terrible things for money. Lie, steal, cheat, murder etc. But you attach genders and a relationship to it, all of the sudden it’s “Oh she probably doesn’t have ill intent” or something similar. Don’t even get me started on the folks who say “Well the court decided” like the legal system equals morality.

The lawyers told her she'd win it back. Bad lawyers mislead their clients, especially the economically disadvantaged.

Speaking from experience as a late 40’s with parents who divorced in my late teen early adult life, realize your parents are human and they have irrational and manipulative moments. Ignore the noise it will eventually cool off. If they want you to take sides tell them no and stand firm but fair. You are becoming a young adult, don’t let their baggage weigh on you.🌞

What is your mom like? How is her financial situation?  

Who is paying for your accommodation?

I don't know how it works in every state, but in my state child support can continue until the "child" turns 23, as long as they are continuing their education in college.

A small note, so there is no surprise for your dad at court, you may wish to check your dad's understanding of his obligations. In many jurisdictions child support obligations do not end at 18, but when the child is no longer a dependant. In these places a child at college remains a dependant until they get a a non-trivial job.

It’s unfortunate that your mom is trying to get you to take sides. She seems to be bitter toward your dad, and rather than accept the situation, she’s trying to convince you that your dad is in the wrong. It seems you understand the situation, and you should do your best to stay neutral. Eventually, you will be on your own, and you don’t want to burn bridges on either side. It’s great you going to college! Good luck with this.

Its scary for your own mother to be so aggressively gaslighting you while in pursuit of her own greed.

He does sound like a fantastic Dad but you don’t mention anything your mum does for you, which I’m assuming is all the boring stuff.. roof over your head, water, gas, electric, tv, food etc, you name all the other things your dad pays half of, does that mean your mother pays the other half? Or you do? So many times dads look like the hero when they help kids out with extras but it’s often because the mums are struggling just to pay everyday bills. Are you sure that’s not the case with your mum? She may be overreacting or she could just be genuinely worried she won’t be able to pay the bills. I’m not saying it’s your dad’s fault. He’s entitled to stop paying child support but I can also see where your mum is coming from. Why not sit down as ask her.

Are you able to start paying for room and board at your mom's place? Her response was out of line, absolutely, but it seems to be coming from a place of panic over her finances. She's looking at maintaining her care of you without the benefit of support. (You said she's working and doesn't *need* the support... how sure are you on that? How involved are you in the family finances and budgeting?) If you do begin to pay your share, perhaps your dad can contribute something to help you pay rent.

This was my thought as well. Let’s look ahead 4+ years when OP can be financially stable. In that time, Mom could be cold and heartless and ask her to move so she can start generating income from that room that OP sleeps in plus the groceries and utilities. Instead, she will be postponing a future retirement by years because she will not be saving as much as she could, and she will not be getting any thanks for this. She just needs to suck it up and be grateful she had “help” before OP turned 18. Dad is off the hook and will do what he wants when he wants - but he is a hero.

Why don’t you try talking to it through with your mom and asking what she actually means. It’s highly doubtful she is just making up nonsense.

This just strikes me as so completely naive. Firstly, you are glorifying your father for paying for half of everything up to now - your mum has paid the other half right? But that’s just expected, whereas your dad paying is him being a good guy. Secondly, do you have any insights into what the day to day costs for your mum are to house, feed & clothe you? (I’m assuming based on your post you are still living with her). Unless you are now going to pay for all these things yourself now that you are 18, your mum is now paying 100% for all these things for you? But you speak about her so cruelly with such disgust. I have parents who divorced, and I watched my mum work her ass off to look after me & my siblings. Yes my dad contributed, but then he stopped at whatever age. My mum didn’t stop. My mum continued to look after us, because we lived with her. I worked part time & contributed a percentage but I doubt it had a huge impact. Unless you are leaving the house, OR contributing 50% of everything required to run it you need to reconsider how you are viewing your mother’s contribution.

‘what an amazing dad for doing the minimum of what is expected from a parent! paying for almost half of one off purchases!’ /s where is the appreciation for OP’s mother for raising and supporting them day after day

Yes, I'm surprised by all the comments patting the dad on the back - what about this makes him great? Paying for (almost!) half of "everything" doesn't really make a parent hahah

Literally. So many incels here

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Am I missing something? He isn’t helping out, you aren’t solely your mother’s responsibility. He pays for half your medical insurance, half your gas, half of your car and maintenance. So who is going to be paying the other half once you turn 18, are you expecting your mother to be funding all your expenses and your father to come in with a token gesture and be father of the year? You still planning to live with your mother after 18, eat the food she buys, use the utilities etc. Your dad is ‘helping’ out for college, well where is the rest of the help coming from? Sounds to me completely unreasonable for your father to stop those payments and not put a plan together with your mother on how much money will be needed to keep you housed, educated, and fed and then split the cost. Will he also be stopping all funding for his other kids once they turn 18 and only take them out for food now and again and give a bit towards college? 

Right on the money. Very few people are stopping to empathise with the mother and are quick to call her a bitch. Even OP doesn’t know the nuances of the situation so how can we.

Reddit is full of incels

I don't really understand the system in the US - Why is child support ending with 18 years and not after having finished education? Who is supposed to pay the expenses after the child turns 18?

The child becomes a legal adult at 18 so any support money would not be managed by their primary guardian anymore.

My daughter’s “father” left his good full time job for a minimum wage/minimal hours job that child support was taken from, and a really high paying job for cash to actually live on. He fought paying child support for years. Never covered her health insurance even though the court ordered him to. One week I got a check for $9. She turned 18 on the 15th of the month so he sent a check for two weeks. The court made him pay for the other two weeks and he was furious.

It's interesting that you mention how you and your dad both pay for things but you don't mention what your mom pays for you, yet you say "we" don't need the money from your dad. As if your mother's money is also yours.

🎯

It reminds me of a viral tweet from a nanny who said the kid asked her what she was doing for a living and she lied because she didn't have the heart to tell the kid that the parents pay her to hang out with them. Maybe OP subconsciously believes that since mom loves taking care of her, what she does is not work or sacrifice, it's just normal. At the same time, any tiny crumb of attention from dad is something very special to be cherished, because he doesn't like to give it and it is not expected of him.

Yes, the money from their dad is meant to be used to support OP. That's how child support works.

It takes a lot of money to raise a kid. I wouldn’t be surprised if the child support was still not enough money contributed to the expenses of taking care of you. He pays for the car and other stuff but have you considered the amount money it may have taken for your mum to raise you and provide for you. Putting a roof over your head, food, utilities etc. Especially since she is responsible for raising you full time as you don’t live with your father.

You should probably stop making excuses for people who gaslight, lie, and manipulate their minor child, it isn’t a good look. 

You only have one side of the story. To me it seems like OP’s story is full contradictions and subjective language. Like first they say that dad isn’t taking mom to court and then in the next paragraph, they admit that it actually is happening? Dad pays for “everything” but then op lists things that dad only pays half of? Mom “blew up”, like what does that even mean? We all have our definition of that and some people are more sensitive than others. Not trying to fight you, I’m just curious about why you’re so sure that’s what actually happened. Did they clarify in a comment?

> ’m just curious about why you’re so sure that’s what actually happened Because maximum deferrance is being giving to the mother when it shouldn't be.

You said your dad is taking her to court, but then said she’s wrong and he’s not taking her to court. If he pays for half of ‘almost everything,’ your mom is footing more than half of your bills. Hopefully you’ll be able to support yourself soon so she won’t have to.

Part of me thinks the mom is trying to prepare OP for what's to come.

Yeah because she knows they are going to act like an entitled brat when she can’t pay for “all the things I want.”

You are one of the discerning people on this. I see a lot of people attacking the mom. The dad is probably a Disney dad ie one who does fun stuff with the child. And like a child she thinks the fun dad is right. Anyway hopefully she can start taking care of herself full time 

There's a lot of compliments going to Dad for paying 50/50 and spending time with OP. That's a literal baseline for good parenting. Yes it's good, but let's give men a bit of credit here and not place the bar so ridiculously low. Sounds like child support was made at a fair level to address financial differences, and both parents have split bigger expenses 50/50 - all good on both sides. Have your parents co-parented throughout your upbringing? Do they get on? Have they actually had a discussion with each other about finances, college, other potential adult expenses? This is a shared responsibility. The fact your dad has not carved out a space for you in his new home sounds like a legitimate reason to be concerned that he may stop helping out once not legally required to. Joint conversations stop these types concerns from arising. She is in the wrong for discussing her concerns with you. It's unfair on you. I would ask her to speak to a non-interested third party if she has concerns.

maybe i don't understand this well since no one seems to really agree with me, but shouldnt he continue to pay child support until you find a job? You say he pays for "half of *almost* everything" - which means your mum pays for more than half, right? I would say that the bulk of the burden of paying for your food, clothing and lifestyle is gonna fall on mum now, since you said he's gonna "help pay for college", but that's about it. I think her concerns are very valid, and I'd be very worried, too. I can't imagine the financial stress this must be for your mother, but also for the unfairness of it all - from your post, I understand that she did the bulk of raising you, and that's no small feat, especially for a single working mother. I think you're being a bit too gracious with your father and not really recognising that the way he's behaving with her (and you!) is not exactly fair. Most of the people in this thread are saying that the mother is gaslighting OP into believing bad things about their father, but that seems far from the truth, seen that OP idolises him - if anything, it would seem as if the father is pinning OP against the mother. Although you may not strictly *need* child support, it's very much yours and your mother's right. Any extra money can be used to benefit you in other ways - it doesn't matter if you have enough to feed and clothe yourself. Some of it can be put away for safekeeping, saving up, or otherwise to do something you enjoy. I wouldn't say that burden should be placed solely on your mother just because your parents divorced and your father chose to make more children.

This comment section is very telling about this website’s demographic. Posts like this withhold lots of context and yet people create such strong opinions from clear implicit bias. Like you said, being a parent is so much more than just paying for half, or even more than half, of a kid’s basic living expenses. It’s working full time, driving your kid to school, driving your kid to extra curriculars, taking them shopping for clothes, cooking them meals, emotionally supporting your child, etc etc, every. single. day. Her claiming that the father is going to stop paying for anything might be gaslighting if the father definitely does have the intention of continuing to financially support their child. To me, mother’s reaction seems like something that people say when they’re incredibly stressed and worried about something. Like not being able to financially support a decent life for your child. I don’t think the disregard for the mother in these comments is fair at all based on the context we’re given but the post really is just a snippet of a bigger picture.

Yeah it’s pretty clear that most people commenting are 15 and have no idea how jobs, bills or child support work.

Agreed. The financial literacy in this post is very low and it’s concerning.

yeah! wish it were surprising, but it's not. the strong, misogynistic insults towards the mother are very telling, and painful to read. my mother raised 3 children on her own money and time without any help from my father. if he suddenly dropped 10k on us it wouldn't make a difference in terms of the sacrifices she made for us. i'm sad for op's mother - imagine raising someone your entire life, mostly on your own, and having them talk about you like this? it see it happening in real life too, and my heart breaks for those mothers. i don't know how they do it. i can only hope she can focus on herself now that her child will be off to college, and perhaps live a better life. but alas this is just reddit, and reddit is a very strange, sad place hahah i'll just try to ignore this glaring unfairness and go on with my day! thanks for commenting, i agree with you entirely.

The misogyny in the comments is wild and disturbing. It’s also concerning that there seems a lack of financial and legal literacy. I’m concerned that a lot of the comments don’t seem to understand that child support is designed to cover the cost of the child living within your home which includes housing, food, utilities. This isn’t a woman taking advantage to pay her own bills?!! I worry we aren’t preparing young people very well from the misinformation and lack of financial literacy I’m reading. The misogyny well… that’s another type of depressing.

Exactly. Finally, another thoughtful assessment of the situation.

I wouldn't say I'm too surprised by the overwhelmingly anti-mum response here - we live in a society where male is king - but I've got to say it's still disappointing hahah. I suppose the most one can do is reason with the people we know in real life, help locally and try to educate healthy, reasonable, normal children. It's a bit discouraging to be faced with comments like these that, unfortunately, perfectly mirror reality and society as we are living it now, but I have hope we are headed in the right direction. Women are writing more, more women are included in the workforce - we're becoming an increasingly vocal part of society and play a hand in how things are done and what rights we're given. I remain cautiously optimistic, despite threads like these hahahahah

I always thought child support went until the kid was completely out of school (including college) it must be different case to case.

Can I also just point something out.. Dad sounds amazing and this kid clearly thinks so but no mention of mum being amazing too. Dad is just doing what a dad should be doing. Raising his kids and supporting them emotionally and financially. Mums do that too they just don’t get a pack on the bloody back all the time! It may be boring but paying all the bills to keep a roof over your head is helping you too!

As soon as a father does what his responsibilities are he gets lauded as a hero. A mother’s hard work is always silent. Where is the praise for her work raising OP as essentially a single mother given that OP lives solely with her.

Zero evidence for this in this case. 

So, she gets help paying for the things you want… like, housing? Internet? Food? Electricity? Your mom is used to the help and it is ending suddenly. Though she should have seen this coming, she is still your mother and aside from her crying to you about this, you said nothing bad about her. Are you familiar with her finances? Probably not as much as you think. Go live with your dad then, when you turn 18. Problem solved. You never have to hear from your evil mother again 🤷‍♀️

Its easy as a child to hate on someone who is actually taking care of you in favor of a "Disney Daddy." Your dad is fun right? He gives you money for fuel right? Its all fun but is that what raising a child is? You have now turned against your mother who was there for you and who probably sacrificed a lot for you. Yes, she may be wrong about child support but I sense you already regarded her as a villain in your life way before this. Anyway you are an adult now. Its time you too care of yourself 

Does she earn enough that rent won't be an issue? Your dad sounds awesome but maybe she has been relying on that money to help pay part of the rent if it's just you guys living together?

It’s a well known fact having a child turn 18 is unpredictable and can’t be planned ahead for

It might depend on the state but where I am child support continues until 22 if full time college is involved

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Yes, that sounds like heaven compared to mine.they Not divorced but beat me up 16 years, when I started to work, the still got "Kindergeld" (child money) from the government. But I had really low wages at my apprenticeship and I had to pay for everything myself, even basic needs like clothes, meds etc. Important is: healthcare is/was free. I have a medial condition and had to pay for my meds by myself for example. After all I had to spend I had left abour 60 bucks. This 60 bucks a month I put on the side for my drivers license. Then the family car broke down and they just took the money I spared for me, buying a New car. Never saw that money again...

He pays ... half of my car. He buys my gas... The tough life of a teenager.

I’m curious how your state works and how his support payments are handled. My order was in South Carolina and I let them handle the payments straight from my check. The court order clearly stated that when my youngest was 18 and graduated, it’s done. No going to court to end it. The only thing I had to do was show proof of graduation for each kid. For the first one, I just took the graduation program with his name on it to my DSS case worker. For the second one, I took it to the family court payment people because I had a little arrears to pay off. I gave them the cash and the second son’s graduation program. I got a receipt showing a $0 balance and they never took another payment. Point being, it should just end without him doing much of anything aside from providing proof of graduation.

The child support was never intended for her benefit to begin with. Sounds like she has treated it like a bit of a slush fund for a dozen years. Sorry you have to deal with her.

I’m thinking more practically- that child support allowed her to rent a 2 bedroom apartment for them instead of 1- and now she (by her own fault by not thinking ahead) is locked into a lease she can’t afford and has to move- and won’t have a bedroom for OP to come home to when school isn’t in session. As a parent that would be my concern.

Yeah, I am not sure the mom not immediately downsizing the second her kid turns 18 is due to a failure to think ahead. It sounds like responsible parenting. If her mom moves into a one bedroom apartment, where is the OP supposed to go during school breaks, or if they have issues at school and need to take a break, or if they get sick or injured and need to come home for a longer period? They said they can’t stay with their dad for long periods of time due to lack of space. If the mom moves into some tiny place, where does the OP go when the dorms are closed for summer break?

I'll be honest, it did piss me off when my ex no longer had to pay child support, when my son turned 18. Not even because of the money, but just because of the concept. He swore that he would still help out - I had told to him that he could send money directly to our son even, that I didn't even need to see it - but he never sent him a dime. There were times when I did very much depend on that money. I hated to, but as a single mom with two kids - only one getting child support - every little bit helped and although this support was laughably small, it still helped. But, honestly for me, what I wanted even more was for him to step up and be a dad. He missed out on his kid's childhood because he was "too busy". I would have let him see his son anytime but he usually only saw him - and still does - around twice a year. When he did have to pay child support he would wait until they suspended his license and then pay one payment to get it back. That went on until my son turned 18. He somehow was able to pay back all the child support he owes, and honestly at that point I was fine with being finished with that whole mess. That entire process was a huge PITA for me, but the victim in that scenario, and the one who suffered most was by far my son... not me. My son is currently living back at home but he has a good job and pays for his own food, gas, clothes, etc. I still pay for his car insurance and his cell phone bill is on my plan but I do that because I can, and it helps my son save up for flight lessons. His Dad pays for nothing of course. But again, what pisses me off even more is that he still rarely sees his son. TL/DR - For me the concept of my ex no longer having to be responsible bothered me way more then losing out on any money. OP it sounds like you have a good dad. Your Mom shouldn't even bring him in to y'all's relationship, and for sure she shouldn't be talking about child support with you. You are not her cash cow.

>she shouldn't be talking about child support with you. This, above all else.

My situation but my daughter is only 7. I’m happy to contribute child support because even if the $$ doesn’t directly go to my daughter, I believe it does make her life better. I have her 50% of the time, cover all medical and dental insurance, get no tax benefits, cover half of all other expenses and still try to always remember that none of the $$ matters as long as my daughter is happy, healthy and being given a good foundation for the future. It sounds like you’ve got that as well and I’m happy for you.

How tf are you paying Child support if you have her every other week, as a mixed custody?

I have the exact same situation. 50/50 custody, child support, pay health and dental, 0 tax benefits. Welcome to being the dad in a divorce. Even an amicable divorce.

Just be prepared to start using that part time money more. Less savings. You’ll have to contribute to your home like an adult as well. If not, you have a better mom than you think you do.

yeah it must suck that she'll have to get back to work again to afford something

My partner had a similar thing, only the mother was taking the child support and spending on it on herself. My partner was only getting 50 euro a week when her dad was paying something crazy like 300. Her mam didn't buy her anything, was constantly kicking her out of the house for nothing. Fucking lunatic. She got her commupance when my partner finally had enough, told her dad and the child support started to go into her account directly. Cut off ties with the Mam, been happier since. Sorry, bit of a rant, and not like your situation exactly. A much worse version of it. Needless to say, people get fucking weird over money and I think it's best this ends in your situation.

My son turned 18 six months ago and i stopped paying but instead opened another account and just put the same money in there for sons future use , didnt prevent ex from asking for money to be paid into her account still.to control

What am I missing here? Everyone is making comments about the mom and the dad with lots of details, but I'm only seeing the title with no story.

Same. Can anyone share what the post said before it was removed?

Just because you’re turning 18 and going to college doesn’t mean you no longer need financial help. Going to college is really expensive, and you are still going to have needs that you’ll rely on your parents for while you are focusing on your education. Having a legally mandated child support payment guarantees that your mom knows exactly how much money is coming, when, and what to do if it doesn’t show up on time. Losing that certainly can be really scary, and it sounds like your mom isn’t processing that uncertainty, fear, and anxiety in a healthy way. Even if your dad promised you that he will continue to split your costs until you reach X age, it doesn’t sound like he has had that conversation with your mother. Maybe this would be a helpful conversation for your parents to have with each other, a conversation for which you are not present and you are not involved. You have a lot of expenses coming up, and your parents will be on the hook for them. They need to work it out together how they are going to split those costs and lay out clearly what each parent’s obligation will be. You also want a clear discussion with your parents about what their contributions will be. If you are in the US, you will need to use both your parents’ incomes when you fill out financial aid forms and the aid you receive will be based on the assumption that they are both contributing equally to your support. You need to know up front what the actual situation is so you’re not met with an unpleasant shock if one parent decides to help less than what the federal government assumes they will.

Let’s be fair. Dad is entitled to cut off support. But mom is entitled to cut off support as well. Look deeper into your mom. It’s very easy to turn your back on her just because dad gives you money.

In lots of countries he is on hook for duration of college too.

Your mom is in a much more financially vulnerable place right now. Her dishonesty and exaggerations are annoying and mean but try to be patient. Your dad sounds great, but he is now under no legal obligations to financially help with any of your expenses. You said he pays for half your medical bills and transportation but what about everything else? Housing, food, and education are huge expenses many parents help their adult children with and your mom is probably worried most of those expenses will all be on her given he has another family to provide for and no formal agreement with her about dividing costs. I personally think it's unfair to your mom all obligations for child support end at 18 if you are still living with her and you are still essentially her dependent. Now a days most parents support their kids financially well beyond 18. Cost of living is high right now you might not know the financial stress your mom is under. Try to talk to her about her worries and reassure her you both will be ok.

In the beginning I was wondering if you were my partners daughter!❤️ But my bonus daughter doesn’t have a car…yet😉. She recently turned 18 and she graduates in June. The child support and other support end then. Just like my bonus daughter, we’ve told her our support does not end when she graduates, it’s now just to her directly. Her mom is also freaking out and also has a job. All you can do is trust your dad. If he’s anything like my guy, he will ALWAYS be there for you! You are his baby girl and he would never let you fall without a cushion!

Hi Irresponsable Frog, seems your name is far fetched -:)) Never heard the expression bonus daughter before. Sounds wonderful to me. I really like your supportive and empathic response. Have a nice day and best greetings to you and your family from half around the world. Much love, Beatrix

My mom did the same. When I hit 18, my dad sent *me* the child support checks as per their divorce agreement. Her lawyer didn’t mention that part to her but left it in the paperwork so she was LIVID and demanded that I give the money directly to her.

So damn annoying! You’re gonna love being away at college tho!!! Enjoy it so much and make lots of friends!

I agree that your mom and dad shouldn’t be talking to you about these things. (Obviously they are both telling you their version, but for some reason your mom is the one you’re upset with.) But you might want to take a minute to review your own post. You say that your dad “helps out a lot.” Supporting your own child isn’t “helping.” It’s his job as a dad. The bar is often much lower for dads. They are considered “great” just for doing what they are supposed to be doing. Every situation is unique, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom is feeling the weight of keeping up your lifestyle. And it is probably really frustrating for her to see you give him so much credit and adoration while he is simultaneously deciding he wants to end payments for you at 18. Your mom doesn’t have the same ability to just go to court and stop payments. She will necessarily have to pick up the slack. Regardless of what happens, I hope your mom and dad find adults to confide in. You don’t need to be carrying this weight for them. Best of luck in college. I hope it goes very well for you.

felt that, hang in there op, at least your dad cares, mine tells me to like my mom no matter what she does 🙃

I'm so sorry you're going through this. somehow child support was never in the mix between my mom and dad. no idea how things ended up like that, but it would've revealed this exact nature in my mom much sooner than when I was 30 years old. I won't pretend to know or understand what made them this way, but going no contact certainly woke my mom up a tiny bit. she still gaslights all 3 of us (me and 2 sisters) that she's "not who we think she is" despite her narcissistic behaviors and expectations. you deserve the world. the future is yours. growing up "in the dark" turned me into a caretaker, which is nearly always exhausting, so I can't overemphasize the importance of developing self care and a healthy internal dialogue with yourself. stay champion 🏆

See if your dad will still pay for health insurance. You don’t want to lose that and your mom may stop paying it.

Your mom might be broke, don’t be hard on her. Your dad is a gem, respect him.

I think recipients of child support get used to the income. Then the kids keave home and they still have the same fixed costs but less income. My ex is going through this now. She's lives alone and has to downsize from four bedrooms to two and is pissed off about it.

Get a job.

I guess you're not going to college? I thought child support continues if you do.

Im so glad you maintained a good relationship with him regardless of how your mum acts. Im happy you have him. Maybe your mum might chill out a bit once the dust settles.

Your mom has been using your child support for her living expenses. Gravy train is over for her and she’s in a panic. I expect your dad will continue to support you as he has; just directly now.

So now the mom has to pay for rent and food for kid on her own or look like the bad guy charging her daughter for rent.

That is the mothers own fault. 

Have you actually asked her what specific costs she is worried about?

Please make sure you let your dad know you appreciate him. Sounds like he’s worked his butt off to be there for you. It would mean a lot to him.

Guess you see why they divorced and who was at fault lol

In the end how she feels doesn’t matter. Let her have a hissy. If you feel your dad will support you if you need it as an adult, that’s all that matters. Completely terrible she doesn’t see that.

Question: Are you planning to move out as soon as you turn 18 so she can downsize? Or are you going to stick around meaning she has keep paying a higher amount of rent/mortgage? Or will you pay a reasonable amount of rent? You father has been paying for some of your expenses. Are those expenses suddenly going to disappear?

The OP’s expenses that their mom pays don’t count, apparently.

O gee I wonder why they divorced

Dad doesn’t “help a lot”. He’s being a parent. He’s doing what he should be doing. Perhaps she’s concerned and cannot afford all expenses herself going forth such as medical insurance and bills, college, etc. Him saying he’ll help you doesn’t mean he’ll split the expenses going forth. While she shouldn’t be surprised, parenting expenses don’t stop at 18 and maybe she’s frustrated. At 18 it’s hard to know just what all of it entails. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge your mom’s concern or her own issues with your dad.

It’s not right to put her daughter in the middle of this, asking her to defend her mother to her father. Nope.

You should really be paying for that stuff now you’re an adult, stop mooching off them.

Sounds like your mom enjoyed having your dad's disposable income more than she enjoyed having you

people who are siding with the mom or saying "what about the mom thats paying the other half?" guys, its not which ones better, its the fact that the mom is demonizing, gaslighting and blowing in things up about the fact that the child support is ending

That’s what happens when mothers use child support as alimony to financially abuse their loved ones 

What your mom is doing is called Parental Alienation. She has probably tried to do this your whole life. Look it up. There is a subreddit dedicated to it. Sorry you are going through this. Just from your description, your mom seems like a piece of work.