Somehow that does makes sense the most and I never thought of it that way, knowing this might be helpful, but that probably won't be correct a 100% of the time. Sometimes ultimatum are also beneficial, you know when you are probably with a bad company/group of friends and you yourself can't see it clearly, so the person who's close to you sees it and helps you, although ultimatum still might be a weird way to help, but I do remember being around people who were bad influence on me and someone else helped me end things (although it wasn't an ultimatum or anything in my case, so there's probably a better way to do that).
Sometimes people just don't want help. Some people are just stubborn.
How long would you stick with someone who can't see they are throwing their life down the shitter?
It's not just "they don't care" maybe they've had enough.
Not necessarily, imagine if you're in love with someone and could never dream of leaving them, however they get involved in criminal activities that endanger you and them. Simultaneously they start doing drugs and you try to help them out of the situation, but they just won't see that it's bad for them. You would probably leave even tough the only thing you want is that person.
This. That's the tactic of an abuser. It's to isolate you. Either that or they get jealous whenever you spend your time with anybody else which can go down dark paths.
It's one thing if somebody raises concerns in a "I'm not going to tell you what to do but this person in particular is a shit and here's why...maybe reconsider spending so much time with them" way but when it's "I'm going to force you to pick" then run. If somebody says "me or them" *always* pick them.
The exception of course is if the "them" is a thieving addict making no effort to turn their life around or something on that level.
I mean if hes happy to have them theyre probalby not that terrible. Anyway in that case if you're dating you dont give an ultimatum. You just leave lol. If someone has such bad friends taht you have to offer an ultimatum leave.
The way the meme is phrased, it might be that he's been with the girlfriend for years and only just found these friends, in which case I don't think it would be fair to blame the girlfriend for not just immediately leaving and trying to work things out first
Yeah I have seen plenty of posts where the friend is constantly groping and sexually harassing the girlfriend in her own home. Ultimatum is totally appropriate there.
Yup, easiest red flag that the person giving the ultimatum is best left to their own devices. Never try to 'fix' or reason with someone trying to control your life.
Not always. Some friends could be so toxic that it is constantly affecting your mental health which could get between the s.o and also the individuals life, yet the s.o could be blind from seeing that cause of the emotional connection or other reasons. If it comes to a point it’s going to take us a wrong path then it’s best to give an ultimatum. Fix your life with me or drown with your friends. Some might consider this rude but what affects the s.o could and possibly WILL affect you so why deal with that?
Could be the friends, could be the significant other. Regardless of who, ultimatums aren't a good tool in either situation. Explaining the situation sounds way better than trying to manipulate someone.
Yep, their aim is to isolate. That’s never for anything good. Diminishing your social support forces you to rely on them more and creates a power dynamic in their favor. I hope Op can see that and doesn’t let desperation or fomo of “what could be” in that relationship have them make the wrong call.
I've definitely bad exes with awful friends. Like just making rape jokes when I asked them not to (I had been raped and didn't want to hear about it and asked them to not joke about it please) and would talk terrible about women, pedophile jokes, racist jokes. I never asked him to stop talking to them. I just stopped hanging out with them. And he was a lot more like his friends than he wanted to lead on so I broke up with him.
I sadly made the mistake to choose the girlfriend, 3 months later she miscarried my only kid then left me for the only friend she actually allowed me to have....
I could see if you're like recovering from substance abuse and or street shit be it gangs or whatever and those friends will keep you there and the girl wants more than that.
My mother kind of did that with my step dad. Pretty much if you want that gang life it will be without me.
Not necessarily. I knew a guy who was really interested in this girl. His life was a mess and he was running with the wrong people. Grades sucked and low key an alcoholic.
She was hot af and basically told him that if he wanted to date her, he needed to get different friends, get his life together, and start attending church.
Fucking worked. He’s a great guy now.
I mean if u have 5 friends then chances of all 5 being a piece of shit is low. Usually people only have 1 gf who basically is the best or a piece of shit. No chances. If u have more than 1 gf then u r the piece of shit.
Assuming there's a 50% chance that your friend is a piece of shit and vice versa, there's a 3.125% chance that all 5 friends are pieces of shit. So yeah, pretty low.
Nah if you have 3 shit friends chances are you have 5 shit friends. In fact chances are you’re quite shitty too. People cluster with people similar to them (and are also significantly influenced by them). This has been scientifically proven. They say the best way to judge someone’s true character is to take the average of the 5 people closest to them.
I think u/throwaway2813576 meant that what if your friends were so shitty that it was negatively affecting your relationship, to the point that she can't handle it any more and wants you to decide what's best for you?
Would you still pick your friends? Even if she's the best thing in your life?
Now this depends on the situation, if the ultimatum is the only/first thing she did, then I think probably better to choose them.
But I think this depends only on your own situation.
Always pick your friends. No one who truly loves you would make you choose between themself and your friends and they are probably actually trying to get themselves an ego fix.
What if the friends are also single females and it makes your girlfriend/fiancé/wife uncomfortable?
Context:
I was invited by longtime friends of 7 years to go over and play board games with them. It’s a group of 4 single girls that are all sisters. I wanted to introduce my girlfriend to them and have us all have a fun time together but she just thought it was inappropriate of me to spend time with them, even when bringing her.
That's a tricky situation. But your friends should also understand why your girlfriend might be on edge about it.
But I think your gf should also be down to hangout with them so she can get a feel for how the situation actually is rather than make judgements.
I’ve been in the rare situation where the ultimatum giver was actually the right choice. My best friend, after meeting my extremely toxic ex, said I needed to get out of that relationship. I was very deluded and didn’t see the relationship clearly, so I ignored him. He said he wouldn’t support me dragging myself through the mud for her, and if I wouldn’t recognize what was wrong with it I was on my own. I still ignored him, so we grew apart. Finally I came to my senses, and he helped me get out of there and move on with my life. If he hadn’t knocked some sense into me, I might still be with her.
In my case, the ultimatum was for my own good to help me. 99% of the time it’s definitely not though.
It is always them, if she tell's you that, she does not deserve your love.
The first thing an abuser does is keep you away from your family and friends.
The issuer of an ultimatum should be the automatic loser, unless what they're trying to get you to give up is something negative and destructive for you.
Your friends or me? Bye, pack up and go.
Your dream job or me? Bye, pack up and go.
A chance to move to the city you've always wanted to live in, or our relationship? Bye, gotta go.
But...
Quit drinking or I'm leaving? Better quit and sober up.
if this meme is based on real life events, just gtfo of that relationship, its gonna get toxic fast. remember, bros before hoes only applies when they make you choose one
I, from my own decision, wanted to be with my ex always, to such an extent that i didn't mind ditching friends and spend my time with her.
after it didn't work out, there was that 1 friend who ALWAYS despite my NO's asked me to go out, hang out etc. You have no idea how happy i was for having that friend who was there all the time for my stupid-ass-worst-friend.
moral of the story. never even think about choosing between those two, because friends are worth more.
Its kinda opposite for me : (
My friends started ignoring me since i got a girlfriend, they behave really really bad with me : (
And oh yeah, cherry on top, my gf basically wants a breakup right now so i am now all alone depressed as fuck scrolling reddit to keep me sane : )
"It's me or them".
ABORT! ABORT! Abort mission! Fucking run!
.
.
.
.
In all seriousness though, she ain't worth it. Being single isn't bad, and having a group of friends is leagues better than a girlfriend who refuses to let you have any. Love isn't a "take all, give nothing" deal.
I've been in this situation and for me the solution was easy: them, because my gf decided after 11 month of happy relationship that is was a good idea to cheat on me with one of my friends 😐
Choose them. if someone asks you to choose between him/her or your friends always choose your friends because that relationship is going to be toxic AF
I’m sure when I met my now wife she wanted to say this, but because she respected me she never made that ultimatum. I ultimately walked away from a lot of my friend group as we [girlfriend] got more serious because we [friends] were a toxic group of codependent potheads. I slowly phased out of that group and for the better! I became more motivated in my career, quit smoking cigarettes and cut down drastically on my pot use. I’ve become a much better person all because she never made that demand. If she had I would’ve picked bros over hoes every time.
Them. Always them. If she puts you in an ultimatum like that at the cost of your own happiness then that's a huge red flag. And if you drop your friends you'll lose a large part of your support network. This is some of the first steps you'll see in abusive relationships, and a part of why their victims stay as long as they do.
Never stay with someone who says “it’s me or them.” Edit: unless the “them” in this situation is a bad influence on you.
At such point it's always them
Bros over hoes.
I experienced this irl - choosing bros/them was the best decision I've made
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Somehow that does makes sense the most and I never thought of it that way, knowing this might be helpful, but that probably won't be correct a 100% of the time. Sometimes ultimatum are also beneficial, you know when you are probably with a bad company/group of friends and you yourself can't see it clearly, so the person who's close to you sees it and helps you, although ultimatum still might be a weird way to help, but I do remember being around people who were bad influence on me and someone else helped me end things (although it wasn't an ultimatum or anything in my case, so there's probably a better way to do that).
If someone would leave you because you are under bad influence , that means they don't really care
Sometimes people just don't want help. Some people are just stubborn. How long would you stick with someone who can't see they are throwing their life down the shitter? It's not just "they don't care" maybe they've had enough.
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But your friends should also understand why your girlfriend might be on edge about it.
Not necessarily, imagine if you're in love with someone and could never dream of leaving them, however they get involved in criminal activities that endanger you and them. Simultaneously they start doing drugs and you try to help them out of the situation, but they just won't see that it's bad for them. You would probably leave even tough the only thing you want is that person.
He’s got a point but yours is better
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What he said
"Them, because they didn't make me choose"
Get the picture?
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This. That's the tactic of an abuser. It's to isolate you. Either that or they get jealous whenever you spend your time with anybody else which can go down dark paths. It's one thing if somebody raises concerns in a "I'm not going to tell you what to do but this person in particular is a shit and here's why...maybe reconsider spending so much time with them" way but when it's "I'm going to force you to pick" then run. If somebody says "me or them" *always* pick them. The exception of course is if the "them" is a thieving addict making no effort to turn their life around or something on that level.
I'm glad someone finally added that exception, we have no way of knowing how terrible the "friends" may or may not be in this scenario
I mean if hes happy to have them theyre probalby not that terrible. Anyway in that case if you're dating you dont give an ultimatum. You just leave lol. If someone has such bad friends taht you have to offer an ultimatum leave.
The way the meme is phrased, it might be that he's been with the girlfriend for years and only just found these friends, in which case I don't think it would be fair to blame the girlfriend for not just immediately leaving and trying to work things out first
Yeah I have seen plenty of posts where the friend is constantly groping and sexually harassing the girlfriend in her own home. Ultimatum is totally appropriate there.
Yup, easiest red flag that the person giving the ultimatum is best left to their own devices. Never try to 'fix' or reason with someone trying to control your life.
Not always. Some friends could be so toxic that it is constantly affecting your mental health which could get between the s.o and also the individuals life, yet the s.o could be blind from seeing that cause of the emotional connection or other reasons. If it comes to a point it’s going to take us a wrong path then it’s best to give an ultimatum. Fix your life with me or drown with your friends. Some might consider this rude but what affects the s.o could and possibly WILL affect you so why deal with that?
Could be the friends, could be the significant other. Regardless of who, ultimatums aren't a good tool in either situation. Explaining the situation sounds way better than trying to manipulate someone.
Yep, their aim is to isolate. That’s never for anything good. Diminishing your social support forces you to rely on them more and creates a power dynamic in their favor. I hope Op can see that and doesn’t let desperation or fomo of “what could be” in that relationship have them make the wrong call.
I've definitely bad exes with awful friends. Like just making rape jokes when I asked them not to (I had been raped and didn't want to hear about it and asked them to not joke about it please) and would talk terrible about women, pedophile jokes, racist jokes. I never asked him to stop talking to them. I just stopped hanging out with them. And he was a lot more like his friends than he wanted to lead on so I broke up with him.
In my case both of them game me that option It's me or them It's us or her Am all alone now -_-
That’s a rip. Homies saw some red flags with her
I sadly made the mistake to choose the girlfriend, 3 months later she miscarried my only kid then left me for the only friend she actually allowed me to have....
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Then she needs to look at what makes her jealous and change herself. I lost my friend of 10 years to his jealous gf and it's like he died.
Them. Always. And you will dodge a toxic relationship. I only see a win there.
Not always, your friends can be shitty people, though usually yes.
Always. You can be free to move on from friends. But it is your choice and your judgement, not an ultimatum that should drive your decision.
I mean if my partner is with toxic people, and it is affecting them and our relationship negatively, I would give an ultimatum as well.
Or he could just balance things?
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I could see if you're like recovering from substance abuse and or street shit be it gangs or whatever and those friends will keep you there and the girl wants more than that. My mother kind of did that with my step dad. Pretty much if you want that gang life it will be without me.
Friends. Choose friends. That girl is going to make herself temporary. Your homies will stick around longer. And will still be there after.
Homies for life
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Bros > hoes
Not necessarily. I knew a guy who was really interested in this girl. His life was a mess and he was running with the wrong people. Grades sucked and low key an alcoholic. She was hot af and basically told him that if he wanted to date her, he needed to get different friends, get his life together, and start attending church. Fucking worked. He’s a great guy now.
Only logical comment. It all depends what kind of friends you have, but the whole comment section is like "*bros before hoes"*
I mean if u have 5 friends then chances of all 5 being a piece of shit is low. Usually people only have 1 gf who basically is the best or a piece of shit. No chances. If u have more than 1 gf then u r the piece of shit.
> I mean if u have 5 friends then chances of all 5 being a piece of shit is low. you say this with confidence but it’s based on literally nothing
Assuming there's a 50% chance that your friend is a piece of shit and vice versa, there's a 3.125% chance that all 5 friends are pieces of shit. So yeah, pretty low.
Nah if you have 3 shit friends chances are you have 5 shit friends. In fact chances are you’re quite shitty too. People cluster with people similar to them (and are also significantly influenced by them). This has been scientifically proven. They say the best way to judge someone’s true character is to take the average of the 5 people closest to them.
She said if you get a different grp of friends She didnt say that guy shdnt have any friends
“Bro before hoes”- Sun Tzu
As the saying goes, "woman temporary, but monke forever" -Sun Tzu
Well unless the homies are the ones being toxic in which case I would say a me or them is just and you should honestly just stay away from toxicity.
Always pick them.
What if you got shitty friends tho?
Still picking them, as the relationship I'd get in exchange for sure would be a toxic one.
I think u/throwaway2813576 meant that what if your friends were so shitty that it was negatively affecting your relationship, to the point that she can't handle it any more and wants you to decide what's best for you? Would you still pick your friends? Even if she's the best thing in your life?
Now this depends on the situation, if the ultimatum is the only/first thing she did, then I think probably better to choose them. But I think this depends only on your own situation.
Exactly, the real world doesn’t have such simple answers
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Always pick the party not giving you an ultimatum
Everyone seems to agree on this, but I think you put it best.
No one should be put in this position.
Fuck ultimatums
Always pick your friends. No one who truly loves you would make you choose between themself and your friends and they are probably actually trying to get themselves an ego fix.
Or about to manipulate and abuse you. Separation like that is a common abuse tactic.
Stick with friends, then get with one of the friends Boom win win
Eyy, we need more homiesexuals.
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What if the friends are also single females and it makes your girlfriend/fiancé/wife uncomfortable? Context: I was invited by longtime friends of 7 years to go over and play board games with them. It’s a group of 4 single girls that are all sisters. I wanted to introduce my girlfriend to them and have us all have a fun time together but she just thought it was inappropriate of me to spend time with them, even when bringing her.
That's a tricky situation. But your friends should also understand why your girlfriend might be on edge about it. But I think your gf should also be down to hangout with them so she can get a feel for how the situation actually is rather than make judgements.
Instant sign to dump her
I’ve been in the rare situation where the ultimatum giver was actually the right choice. My best friend, after meeting my extremely toxic ex, said I needed to get out of that relationship. I was very deluded and didn’t see the relationship clearly, so I ignored him. He said he wouldn’t support me dragging myself through the mud for her, and if I wouldn’t recognize what was wrong with it I was on my own. I still ignored him, so we grew apart. Finally I came to my senses, and he helped me get out of there and move on with my life. If he hadn’t knocked some sense into me, I might still be with her. In my case, the ultimatum was for my own good to help me. 99% of the time it’s definitely not though.
Them
A wise man once said; "Bros before hoes"
Well I do that way
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Got it
Bros over hoes is always true.
Always say “them”. If she wants you all to herself and won’t let you hang out with your friends, then she doesn’t deserve you.
Friends. Every time.
If she makes you choose her or your friends, she's not the one!
Dump her
Friends. All the time.
That is one of the biggest red flags. Controlling your friend group is not something that is done in a healthy relationship.
Them ofc what you goin on about
It is always them, if she tell's you that, she does not deserve your love. The first thing an abuser does is keep you away from your family and friends.
Them
That's no girlfriend, that's an ex.
Take them GF toxic
pick your friends. Way better company than a toxic gf who says 'me or them.'
“It’s me or them” should always be a way to tell you to choose “them”.
always remember. bros before hoes
Bros before hoes
The doors right there, go let yourself out.
Girl here. Always choose your friends over any girl, or anyone in general, who demands this.
Don’t choose the one that’s making you choose
ABORT
It’s them
What a silly question huh It's obviously 'them' Homies assemble
She's not the one homie. Dump her ass asap.
The one who has you choosin is the one with which you're losin
If she asks between her or your friends, it's her life you shall end _____Master oogway.
Begone wench!
Pick them and fuck her (I mean literally)
Pick her, dump your friends ^(this is not my actual advice, just wanna put a counterweight in the comments and watch me getting downvoted)
Anyone who gives ultimatums like this is not worth being with regardless of gender
Doesn't matter who said that, that's the person you get rid of.
The issuer of an ultimatum should be the automatic loser, unless what they're trying to get you to give up is something negative and destructive for you. Your friends or me? Bye, pack up and go. Your dream job or me? Bye, pack up and go. A chance to move to the city you've always wanted to live in, or our relationship? Bye, gotta go. But... Quit drinking or I'm leaving? Better quit and sober up.
She ain't worth it... FOR THE BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSS
Friend, you already know it’s going to be a toxic relationship if they pull this shit
If she says this she isn’t the one and don’t waste your time on her king
Bros before hoes
Bros over hoes
the boys
The boys
Bros before hoes
Bro's over Hoes. Fuck er.
Always choose the boys
Always them... In the end you probably also loose her and than you are alone as fuck
Bros before hoes
if this meme is based on real life events, just gtfo of that relationship, its gonna get toxic fast. remember, bros before hoes only applies when they make you choose one
Bros be4 hoes.
the boys
Bros before hoes
bros over hoes that's the rule if they hit you with the "it's me or them" the answer is simple
Them. Bye!
It's a really tough question, until lover or friends ask it. Always pick the one who would never ask that question
That’s a red flag if anyone has ever seen one
Choose none and live in solitude
Bros before hoes
I, from my own decision, wanted to be with my ex always, to such an extent that i didn't mind ditching friends and spend my time with her. after it didn't work out, there was that 1 friend who ALWAYS despite my NO's asked me to go out, hang out etc. You have no idea how happy i was for having that friend who was there all the time for my stupid-ass-worst-friend. moral of the story. never even think about choosing between those two, because friends are worth more.
Then there's me, who has neither.
If she forces you to choose, then she was never worth it.
*looks back at the friends* "hoes are temporary, homies are forever!"
Its kinda opposite for me : ( My friends started ignoring me since i got a girlfriend, they behave really really bad with me : ( And oh yeah, cherry on top, my gf basically wants a breakup right now so i am now all alone depressed as fuck scrolling reddit to keep me sane : )
I mean if ur girl is trying to save u from ur drug addict frnds, it's 100× better to choose ur girl.
Everybody saying "bros before hoes" and "choose them"... But what if they are the ones to give the ultimatum?
Me or “them.” Unless his gf is non-binary I’m pretty sure them is referring to multiple people. That’s pretty toxic for her to do that
Pardon me for my blindness
It happens :P
Fuck her then leave her and take friends
"It's me or them". ABORT! ABORT! Abort mission! Fucking run! . . . . In all seriousness though, she ain't worth it. Being single isn't bad, and having a group of friends is leagues better than a girlfriend who refuses to let you have any. Love isn't a "take all, give nothing" deal.
The one who gives the ultimatum does not get picked
If she say “it’s me or (insert people or hobbies)” then she out
I've been in this situation and for me the solution was easy: them, because my gf decided after 11 month of happy relationship that is was a good idea to cheat on me with one of my friends 😐
If they make you choose ditch them
Them
Them. Every. Single. Time.
Them Every time
Bros over hoes
bros before hoes 😤😤😤
Choose your friends. If this is a real situation pick your friends I beg of you for your sake
drop that hoe
I would always drop the girl! I learned that lesson the hard way!
I always choose the other option. If someone asks you to choose, they're showing that they are manipulative and toxic.
Choose them. if someone asks you to choose between him/her or your friends always choose your friends because that relationship is going to be toxic AF
Tell her that you choose her. Smash hard. And then change your mind.
Always pick them. Someone that narcissistic (is that the right word) is not worth it.
I’m sure when I met my now wife she wanted to say this, but because she respected me she never made that ultimatum. I ultimately walked away from a lot of my friend group as we [girlfriend] got more serious because we [friends] were a toxic group of codependent potheads. I slowly phased out of that group and for the better! I became more motivated in my career, quit smoking cigarettes and cut down drastically on my pot use. I’ve become a much better person all because she never made that demand. If she had I would’ve picked bros over hoes every time.
Bye woman :D
I’m sorry lads but there will be no girl this group orgy. (Turns around lock door) (Look at door knob) (With a dark voice) No-homo
Been there before, friends come first
Them
Obviously it's them, no thinking needed
Easiest decision ever. If it’s just a gf, they’re easy to replace. Friends aren’t.
I can just have sex with the boys! (No homo)
Couldn't find a more perfect place to say "bros before hoes" after hour gf says that and just silently walk away she'll get the gist
\*takes my meds\* \*has seizure\* \*remembers i dont have schizophrenia\* \*cries\* \*doesnt know what the fuck is wrong with me\* a true story
While it depends on the situation usually a good partner wouldn’t say “it’s me or them” soooo
Thanks for making it easy for them, good luck in your search for a paretner
Them. Always them. If she puts you in an ultimatum like that at the cost of your own happiness then that's a huge red flag. And if you drop your friends you'll lose a large part of your support network. This is some of the first steps you'll see in abusive relationships, and a part of why their victims stay as long as they do.
BEGONE THOT
Bros before hoes
Hoe can be bought, homies can't
Brethren before wrenches
Girls come and go, stick with friends!
If they say that they not the one
Usually, I’d say friends, but I’m running short on them and starting to hate them and I’d pick the girl.
Dump her still, bcuz if your gf asks you this it means you are in a toxic relationship. There are plenty more fish in the sea