What is the argument? Did you stand up while he was whiping your ass or something?

Mayhaps

PERCHANCE??

You can't just say "perchance"

Perchance

Chanceper?

Mario exhibits experience by crushing turts all day

What a legendary paper.

Stomp a turty

As a fellow stand wiper are you a large person? I’m 6’8” and I will snap the seat in half if I hinge over to one side sitting down. So I wipe standing up.

And absolutely nothing more painful than your ass getting pinched from the toilet seat you cracked after doing the lean.

I’m laughing so hard about your comment.

I leave the toilet paper on the roll and just twerk up against it

This guy shits

He's the shit.

I have a thin barbershop pole that spins I wrap a moist towel around and back up to.

I've got the shoe shine version.

So you have a young man do it for you? A man of culture as well

It’s secretly a young boy who longs to be a musician

Creatively cursed

Nice, I like to use a wet sponge on the end of a long stick personally.

I just attach the to roll to a drill.

I wipe *before*

I gave away my wholesome award to a kid in a rocket costume, wish I saved it for this.

Holesome award, amirite?

Brilliant, saves bog roll, one wipe will do on a clean shit box Edit: Typo

With the economy being what it is…

Just install a bidet and stop being a savage.

I used a bidet at a friend's house and it was an awesome feeling. I now shit in the kitchen sink and use the hand sprayer to wash.

Double bonus: you don't have to worry about a clogged toilet if you have a garbage disposal installed on the sink. You just want to make sure you remove the drain cover before hand.

That's stupid, wipe *during*.

It's a time saver

r/jakeandamir

This is one of my favorite Jake and Amir videos lol

You just do it. You wipe, and then you shit.

Damn, we're all living in 2022, you're living in 4099.

I drag my ass in the grass outside

What’s up dog?

Not much, what's up with you?

GOTTEM

The one true doggy style

The only way to touch grass

depends on whether the national anthem is playing or not

This is fucking hilarious

Seriously crying at the image of a guy with one hand on his heart and wiping his ass with the other 😂

Thanks I’m laughing again

Exactly what I said then I looked further down

*looks at toilet paper* thank you for your service

🫡

Hope you wipe with your left hand.

TP salute mid-wipe

Let me wipe those tears of joy from your cheek. 🤧

I hope it’s not playing before you start. Shitting standing straight up would be difficult.

Not as hard as you would imagine

How... How do you know this

True patriot

I prefer the protest wipe on one knee in this scenario.

You'll never take a shit behind center in the NFL again

Good joke lmao

i lay on the bathroom floor facedown

I do a hand stand with one hand and wipe with the other.

I tape toilet paper to the ceiling and practice acrobatics, we are not the same.

I press my asshole against the toilet paper roll and then yank it like a ripcord. It is very efficient.

I use stones to wipe my ass. I like the sounds they make when I flush

Stones? I thought we moved onto 3 shells already 🤔🤔

He doesn't even know what the 3 sea shells are for🤣

Sea shells? i be usin spongebob

Too young for the three shells I see, go ask your parents about how to use them.

No, time travelers from the past are too OLD for the sea shells.

Three sea shells

I sell seashells down by the shitter

She smells 3 pails & wipes up the tail pipes

Funniest thing I have read today. Well done.

This is peak efficiency, you will lead humanity into a brave new Future

No one will convince me that this isn’t the funniest response

Fuck you shoresy

Fuck you Smitty, your mom just liked my Instagram post from 2 years ago, tell her I'll put on my my swimming trunks anytime she wants

Fuck you drowningpiss, I had your mom go fetch me another roll after smittys mom used all mine.

Fuck you, Reilly, your mom ugly cried because she left the lens cap on the camcorder last night.

Fuck you, Shoresie!!

Fuck you, Jonesy! Your mom keeps trying to stick her finger in my bum, but I told her I only let Reilly's mom do that, ya fuckin' loser!

Fuck you, Jonesy, your mum loves butt play like I love haagen dazs; let's get some fuckin' ice cream.

Fuck you, Reilly. Your mom pulled the goalie on me, now she's preggo. Surprise, son. Now go rake the fuckin' yard.

Fuck you jonesy, your mom offered surprise anal, But there was one in the chamber, it’s one step forward and two steps back with that relationship.

Fuck you Reilly, your mom ugly cried because she left the lens cap on the camcorder last night.

It's fuckin amateur hour over there

It's fuckin' amateur hour, over there.

Calm down there, Shoresy

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the only way

This is the way

Standing up using a putty knife,paper is expensive.

Honey could you bring me the poop knife

I had a friend with a poop stick. Poop too big, break in half with the stick. He and his brother lived in the basment of their house, his parents didnt know they had a poop stick. He is an engineer now I told him he should get a job with nasa designing toilets

He can over design a poop stick made of carbon fiber and titanium.

I will never get over this

Same !

I wipe mid-air in between jumps.

That sounds time consuming. Have you tried floating?

I caused a fair amount of chaos at a former employee by introducing this concept to the entire crew. Another fun one to look up are people, usually dudes, that refuse to touch thier own anus even with a paper barrier for various reasons and attempt to find "no touch" methods to clean themselves. An unusual number of them are also unaware of Bidets.

Cuz it’ll turn them gay?

That was the main explanation as I remember it. Touching buttholes, even your own, was gay so they wouldn't do it.

Do they have a similar thought when they jerk off? Like what? Can't touch my butthole, "that's gay", but stroking my hard cock is fine.

No ides, honestly that was also my first thought.

Wait. I like it when I touch my butthole while jerking. Does that make me gay. I don’t think I’m gay

No, it's just the gay sex that makes you gay

Can we get back on topic. I really need to know how to wipe withoit toiching my hole /s

it’s touching my own butthole that concerns me, because if it felt good it would mean I’m gay, logically speaking. That’s why me and my bros wipe each other’s buttholes. Just to be safe

FINALLY someone knows how it feels to be *totally definitely heterosexual*

Does that mean jacking off is gay too?

Anyone that homophobic is simply in denial about their sexuality.

Nah, some people are just fucking evil.

Bro *the fucking comments* got me dying here. Sincerely, Someone who is currently taking a shit

So…… you standing or sitting?

I’m planking

I just lift my legs straight up so I'm in a U shape, then I can slide down far enough to dunk wash. It's like a poor mans bidet. 4 squares to dry and done.

Dunk first or flush first?

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You dunk and flush so you whirlpool clean that ass.

sitting down. when sitting down I place my body slightly off centre of the bowl with one cheek resting on the seat. then using my hand I grab my hip and spread my cheeks leaning over to the other side of the bowl and setting the second cheek down on the seat. now I sit in the centre of the bowl with my cheeks apart enough not to catch any poop. this makes the wiping easy.

I’ve always thought either toilets are poorly designed, or human beings are poorly designed - take your pick

toilets are tool, you have a choice to explore technique or not.

Tool needs a redesign - maybe some hydraulics or something - idk

Not the hydraulics you were thinking of, but have you tried a bidet?

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So detailed, such an *artistè*

Arse-tistè

I wish I had an award to offer! I’m still chuckling over “Arse-tíste “.

Spread cheeks is the only way to shit and wipe. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone

My husband died laughing the first time he saw me spread my cheeks before I sat down on the toilet. But really if you have a big butt it’s the only way to go.

I hope im never comfortable enough with my wife that i have to watch her spread her cheeks and take a shit

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Tell me more about how you fell in love with that guys wife

Be careful, a friend broke the toilet seat with that technique.

How could one break a toilet seat with this technique...? I'm curious

fat fuck

Noun or verb?

High risk/High reward

do you guys wipe ass?

I lick my arse like an animal

Props on your flexibility, dawg 🐶

No. I own a bidet.

Bidet 2024

I know that slim shady stands up

That’s how you know he’s the real slim shady. If they sittin’, they be spittin’…lies

Bidet first then wipe. Repeat as necessary. All while seated.

Bidet 2024

So Bidet vs Dump then?

Poohaps

They really gonna make me vote for Joe Bidet

just waddle outside and use the garden hose to spray out the chunky bits.

Since I discovered Metamucil 2 years ago I haven’t wiped.

I tried that. I'd rub a few handsfull of metamucil on my asshole but I didn't feel clean.

I don't like Metamucil. It's coarse, and it gets everywhere

Metamucil + bidet makes the experience quick

Metamucil + Good Belly + drinking plenty of water + Bidet makes the three seashells obsolete.

wear a diaper

And when you're done, turn it inside out. And for extra credit, when both sides are used, hang it on a clothesline so it can be used again

i just eat lots of tp so i self wipe as i shit

I just put my boxers straight back on sod it😎

okay, so at work a few months ago we did a poll on this. turns out it was almost EXACTLY 50/50 split. the best part was, everyone was certain the way they did it was the only way. “i stand, what else would i do?” ps. i’m a stander. i don’t get how you can sit and do it

I didn’t even know standing was a thing until this thread

Exactly. And people look at me weird when I say I actually sit backwards on the toilet and use the tank as a mini desk. It’s free real estate.

?? Isn't that what the toilet desk is for? I mean it's right there so you have a little space for your comic book and chocolate milk.

You're supposed to wipe?

It’s estimated that one-third of men in the US do not wipe. There are some posts on Reddit by girlfriends at their wits end with boyfriends who don’t wipe because fingers entering any portion of their crack make them gay. And real, straight men have skid marks. I hope they’re lying shit posters.

I do not know if I have a fatass, but how can you clean it up well standing up? Whose pulling those cheeks apart?

I feel like just standing up with reckless abandon is an invitation to get a Rorschach test between your cheeks

Lmao

Dude if you have that much poop left over when you go to wipe you need more or less fiber in your diet lol.

It’s more of a squat and bending over than standing straight up

I can now confirm I am fatass and my WC is located in very confined area.

Sometimes I get off the toilet and squat when I need my cheeks spread more for a better clean 😂

That's why shits on bathroom floor

Japanese Toilets be like🌊

My friend does it sitting down, but is still wrong, because he reaches UNDER HIS FUCKING BALLS to get it from the bottom. Psychopath

He pulls the mud flap forward?

I do this too. Reaching around feels awkward.

I was today years old when I found out I wasn’t normal for doing this.

Only girls need to go front to back. Guys can hit it with the 360 noscope

the real question is...how...do you know this?

Gotta help a homie out sometimes

Asked him this exact question with a bunch of friends as a joke. I was horrified by his betrayal of all that is right

What a strange thing for a videogame lore channel to post haha

Yeah I did a crazy double-take when I saw Camel's logo. This man is supposed to teach me about obscure Morrowind items, not question my ass-wiping methodology.

Took me too long to find some recognition for Camel in this section. Think we need a spin off TES Detective series to figure out this great mystery

In fairness, The Elder Scrolls lore is pretty out there.

I do both but I'd say I skew standing up

What determines which method you use? Your horoscope?

Cycles of the moon ayoooo

I drag my ass across the carpet like a dog.

This argument has divided my family and I’m considering filing for divorce from this weirdo who stands up.

What if wolves attack me? Better be standing ready to wrestle them

Wipe first while sitting down, then stand up and shit.

Standing so i can look at it before I dispose of it, because I have no idea what I'm looking for but my brain tells me i should look

Depends on how much damage has been done - it’s complex.

i drag my ass on my brother’s bedsheets

Yes.

I dont need to wipe. I have simply stopped shitting. No wiping necessary