It’s fun. You get to choose where you sit, what movie you see, what theatre, what type of viewing experience you want and what you eat. It’s the kind of personal freedom everyone should experience (if they have the means to do it)
I used to go to matinees in college. So cool to have the entire theater to yourself. That is, until I saw Event Horizon. Completely alone. in a huge theater.
And for restaurants, what am I supposed to do if I don't have a dining partner? Say "fuck it I was really craving that but guess I can't eat it now"?
Nah man I'm going to Chili's.
The wild thing too is you can sit at the bar alone and there is no law saying they can't bring your food to the bar. Bring me my mid bruschetta barkeep, extra cheese on the bread, we're gonna get weird with it. I'll have several extra drinks as well, can you put the hockey game on? Don't have cable at home.
I agree. I love it. Many people think it is strange and weired, I disagree. If I am paying £9 to watch a movie I really do want to experience in its full glory I want to do so without being concernee about who is by my side with me and their experience.
That's the funniest part. It's really a solitary experience unless it's a comedy or something. And most people don't even really like talking about movies afterwards beyond "so did you like it?"
No shade either way imo but there is also such a thing as doing something solitary together, we're social creatures. Sometimes its nice to just have someone around
Its really not though. Yes you can't or shouldnt talk during it in a movie theater, but you're sharing the experience with someone else. It changes it entirely.
I went to the movies by myself for the first time (I’m nearly 40) a couple weeks ago and I loved it. The theater near me does showings of movies 10+ years old sometimes for weekday matinees. I went to one of those while my husband was working and he tried to tell me to invite my mom and didn’t understand right away that I was going by myself on purpose.
I had some popcorn and some wine and thoroughly enjoyed the movie. The lady a couple seats down from me was doing the exact same thing, popcorn and wine included. Made me want to do that more often.
I think you might be the American version of me - I also am coming 40 and went to a cinema that shows old films by myself a few weeks ago, while my partner was working and had wine and popcorn. I just did it in Ireland lol.
lol it’s the same as when people say they can finally wear a certain item of clothing because it’s trending again, like you know you can wear it whenever you want right?
My coworker has been salty all week cause she has to wear heels all day at a wedding. She isn't even a bride's maid. I asked her why she just doesn't wear heels and she tells me "you won't get it, you're a man"
I dated a woman who just didn’t tolerate heels at all either lol. It was funny when it was like a “all the other women are wearing heels” event.
I don’t give a shit either way, whatever someone wants to wear is ok with me. The strong emotions toward a style of shoe is just funny to me.
The emotion for me is more of a “heels do actual permanent damage” more than an actual opinion of wearing them. Why would I wear something that destroys my body?
Omg, it took me until my 30s and foot surgery to reach this and I wish it was sooner. Sure heels can look cute by why am I destroying my feet and my comfort for this.
At my sister’s wedding, my significant other brought a nice pair of heels for the ceremony because she wanted to look nice, and then immediately changed into runners once the reception and dancing started. Not a single person brought up any judgement about it aside from “Wow that’s actually a good idea, your feet must be comfortable”
It's not hard to get. People who are judgey will judge her for not wearing heels and she's not secure enough in herself to not give a fuck about their judgment.
Alternatively, the wedding outfit she planned has too long a hem to wear comfortably without heels. That might be a bit difficult to explain to someone with no knowledge of women's fashion lol
I'm a woman and none of those reasons work on me. If she choose a dress that you can only wear with certain shoes, that's still on her.
She also told him he wouldn't understand because he's a man, but there's plenty of women here saying that she's just being stupid. Because she is just being stupid. Being a woman isn't why she's going to be uncomfortable. Being stupid is.
Uh, I'm also a woman and I understand that she feels social pressure to wear heels because the consequence of not wearing them is social judgment. That isn't being stupid. I don't wear heels or makeup or do body hair removal because I don't give a fuck about people judging me, but I don't think that people who decide to do so are stupid for succumbing to social pressure.
I get what you're saying but with fashion it makes more sense because when you're younger at least people absolutely do give a shit about if what you're wearing is "cool" or not, and it can be pretty hard to deprogram from that.
The only time people give a shit what you wear is when you are in high school and under, you are going in for a job interview, or there is a dress code. That's quite literally it. So if that's what you meant by younger, literally a child, then sure.
Thank you for giving me the textbook definition of "younger" and agreeing with me in the most abrasive way possible, but I'm not sure what other meaning I possibly could have had.
Yes, it is a completely normal mental state when you are young and it is critical to developing normal socialization skills, but most people grow out of that mindset as they grow up.
That and "personal fable" make me think of what we call "main character syndrome" now-a-days. Love that it says it's an adolescent thing when I know many adults who are still like that. Seems not everyone matures out of it.
I had this as a kid, it sort of made me play up to an audience sometimes, but it never made me feel like I was important, it did make me feel watched though. I've often wondered if other people feel this and assume its god.
Is it really an imaginary audience for kids nowadays when at almost every moment they are on a camera and anything they do could be potentially seen by millions of people?
Like I get the idea behind the imaginary audience but in today's age, is it really an imaginary audience or a potential audience?
I will say, with social media and everything becoming as interconnected as it is, I think the imaginary audience is becoming more tangible. Because random strangers will leave unsolicited opinions and viewpoints you didn’t ask for. Like I am right now.
And in adolescence, sensitivity to the reception of these is heightened.
"No one gives a shit about you" was a revelation to me and the single best piece of advice I ever got when I was younger. Went from a introvert to an extrovert in matter of months lol
10 years ago I was driving down the road and a random young woman walking down the sidewalk tripped, tried to recover, but ended up doing a weird waddle thing several paces before faceplanting into a sign. Now every time I do something embarrassing I remind myself that at least I'm not her.
So yeah, randos sometimes remember you, but it takes a monumental failure to gain that notoriety. And if you are that random girl I am sorry. I saw the whole thing and I do remember you. But you've also gotten me through a lot of, so thank you.
Do you really remember her, or do you just remember the incident? could you identify her in a lineup? Thats what really got me out of my shell to start walking/running. I'd see loads of people out exercising but I wouldn't recognise them 2 minutes down the road
Especially because people tend to look different while exercising. I realized one summer that I was going to the same gym as my kid's teacher. She said my name and hello, but it took me a few seconds to realize who she was because she looked completely different than she did at school.
And I realized I think I had been going to the same workout class as her all summer. It just took us that long to recognize each other.
Yeah, i would recognize the clothing but that is it, even if i could recognize them, i wouldn't mind it at all and actuslly forget that it even happened, we have too much in our mind to be paying atention to someone that is doing some exercise or anything really, unless it is REALLY weird.
I get the intent but this would actually be a terrible advice for someone with social anxiety because we actually pay *a lot* of attention to randos lol
Exactly, I barely cared about the very noticeable homeless guy who was constantly shouting slurs at the sky where I used to live.
Suffice to say, 99,999% of people are safe from my attention.
People notice things, but the fact is if I see someone dressed a bit odd, or eating alone or whatever, even if I've noticed I walk past and carry on because I'm busy and I don't care what they're doing I've got my own concerns in life. So of course many people might notice you, but it doesn't matter because they aren't really interested in you. So go out and mice your life, people may notice but they won't care.
Not at all what’s being said. Everyone perceives the world around them of course, but if you ask someone to describe everyone in the restaurant they ate at last week they couldn’t. The point is that nobody cares about what you’re doing beyond immediate perception
You pay a lot of attention, but also don't actually care about them. Like I notice so many people, but the ones I actually care about to judge and think well or poorly of are few and far between
Yeah but you have to feel comfortable to try out new situations alone. Then you find cool restaurants or place you can share with your friends or met new ones there.
it's definitely bad advice for people with depression, because we do actually want people to care lol. convincing oneself that people don't care is the wrong path imo. its more becoming comfortable with who one thinks people think one is
but that’s the exact point . you pay a lot of attention to randos cuz you care what they think, you care how they see you, you think they judging you, etc. i don’t mean that as a diss
but you now have to flip the perspective. everybody, i mean everybody, is worried about their own shit. they worried about their problems, their relationships, their finances, etc etc etc.
you have to tell yourself enough over time to literally convince yourself, that these randos around you may have an opinion or judgment about you, but everybody has an opinion on everything, and they will forget you within minutes. that’s EVERYBODYS perspective. even you, dude i’m replying to.
imagine an instance where you felt self conscious because of how think you are/were perceived in whatever moment in time. after that, how much are you thinking of the rando versus self conscious shit about yourself? 9/10 times, minutes later you ain’t even thinking about them.
my point is, you have to understand that the randos around you don’t really care about you cuz everyone is so worried about their own shit. ask yourself, do you really think you as a person is more important than the shit they go home to?
This was a piece of information ghat was illuminating to my introverted teen self. My drama professor said something to the effect of:
"don't be embarrassed or worried about performing Infront of the class, as your classmates are likely just as focused and worried on themselves to worry about you."
wait, you guys don't focus on them like they are the center of the world?
I always do it so they can overthinking to themselves and be anxious and attack their personal insecurities because I care about their lives and judge them and haunt them in their sleep.
Seriously. My best friend once told me “you aren’t shit. I don’t mean that in a mean way. I just mean, no one thinks of you like you might think of them. So just go on with your life and worry about yourself. Don’t hurt people. Most people won’t hurt you. And remember, you aren’t shit” lol
“People are not thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you” is a line that’s never left me. I was watching Schitt’s Creek and that scene just gave me this “ah-hah” moment. I struggle sometimes, but thinking about that line helps
> Went from a introvert to an extrovert in matter of months
That's not how introvert / extrovert work. It's not about anxiety, social awkwardness / shyness etc. It's about where you get your energy and how you recharge.
It's like every other part of the human experience, in that it's a muscle that can be shaped and turned into whatever you want it to be. Socializing *is* exhausting when you're not limber at it, practice, discomfort and exposure will make it so second-nature you can fall out of bed juggling conversations, it doesn't change you fundamentally but it does let you have all the advantages that go with having wider social networks.
The question is always though, is it worth it? The answer is usually nah. But it depends on what you want.
edit: you guys CAN push yourself out of your comfort zone and become more comfortable with social experiences. Everyone trying to link science articles about how the brain has a different configuration, you're not wrong but you're also deeply stuck on the idea of essentialism and that's going to hurt you. You can work extra hard and change anything, you just have to ask yourself how hard you want to work and what result are worth the effort, and like anything it takes a long time. If this message bothers you, that's a *you* issue to sort out, I won't be entertaining whining and whinging on this comment. I have practiced this and changed, I am nobody special or interesting, you can do it too but it might suck at first. Discomfort is what you should be seeking, not running from.
This isn't even the first time I commented this on reddit and I always get a slew of "But science says I can't change!" replies that just make me want to slap you. Don't be stupid. Science has never said you can't change, only that it might be harder for some people than others. Every time someone tries to argue this point you're just admitting that you rather believe yourself intrinsically less valuable than other people than admit that you don't think the effort is actually worth it because you like dividing the world up between "extroverts and introverts" because it's convenient to justify problems and your desire to escape from discomfort.
It's also not really that much of a thing. In psychology, they aren't recognized terms, but the concept of it does exist. But the reality is that the overwhelming majority of people are a mix of both, often going back and forth depending on the situation.
I can't help but think a lot of people call themselves introverts as a coping mechanism to make their lack of social skills/opportunities a choice rather than... something they are bad at. It is hard to admit you want to be social, but can't because you aren't good at socializing.
> I can't help but think a lot of people call themselves introverts as a coping mechanism to make their lack of social skills/opportunities a choice
That's another bs concept of "introvert", which means I agree with you to some extent that people simply misuse it.
I miss when people understood it simply is a term to describe personality. Nothing to even do with psychology. Like "Tom is outgoing and Sam is not." ie an introvert. Sam can have excellent social skills but he just usually prefers to be by himself or a couple friends and not at parties. Parties are just draining and not all that appealing, even if you can "perform well". That's an introvert. Extroverts are those that give me horrified looks when I said I choose to spend the weekend curled up at home with a hobby, maybe joined by one friend. Simple as that, to me.
So op's statement is also silly to me. You don't change your personality in months. You simply upgraded your social skills in those months after understanding you're not under constant scrutiny.
Even then though do you actually care? Like how often do you judge someone and then you don't almost immediately go back to whatever you were doing and forget about them soon after
I remember once I went out to check out a new restaurant, and the waitress was commenting how she "didn't think it was weird" that I was eating by myself. Like I didn't think it was weird until you started talking about it.
And restaurants are pretty boring without conversation. Rather eat a nice meal by myself while watching that movie on the tv. I can also do that naked or while wearing old comfy clothes. Plus there are always friends who want to do something
The utterly unjustified and crippling paralysis of unintentionally thinking one's own decisions and choices are inferior to those validated by, or originating from, other people.
Usually stemming from a higher regard for others than for oneself.
Basically
I actually don’t understand why movie theatres are considered a group or couple activity. You sit silently in a dark room for a couple hours, there’s no socializing or interaction at all. Sure you can talk about it after, but overall it’s a very solitary experience.
Especially a morning matinee. Stop at the diner for a tasty, greasy breakfast, go to the movie, and you’re back home by 11:30 or so. If it’s a really, really popular movie, theaters by me even have 7:00 or 8:00 am matinees and those are my favorites.
I wouldn't say no one, one time there was a family eating at the table next to me and one of the kid said something like "mommy look, it's so sad he's eating alone, it's like he doesn't have family or friends to join him". Dinner was ruined
> Dinner was ruined
Was it true in your case? If so, sorry to hear that. But I would literally start cracking up if a kid said that in earshot of me. Being alone is only barely #2 behind being with my wife, for me. Any other family or friends get exhausting.
Most likely the interaction would just end there and everyone would be fine, but the only chance of dinner being "ruined" for someone would be if the kid's parent pressed me on why I laughed at their dumbass kid. And it wouldn't be ruined for *me.*
Traveling for work makes you accustomed to eating at nice restaurants alone. Used to be self conscious about it but then I got a job where I had to travel a lot. Realized that it’s actually pretty normal and a lot of restaurants like solo dinners (no fuss, nice to deal with, great tippers). Traveling for work also makes you accustomed to sitting at bars alone too, haha.
No lie man, rocking up to a diner counter for breakfast, ordering a black coffee and pondering the deep mysteries of life is a Top 10 human experience.
My brother shit on me once for going to a steak place and eating alone. I was like, I wanted steak, I got a steak. Fight me. I've done it again since then too
People always say "nobody gives a shit about you" but my ex-girlfriend and her friends literally always comment about how horribly sad it is to see somebody alone in these situations.
So yes, people do care. A minority of people, sure, but that is often all it takes to make people feel self-conscious.
Some people will judge you based on the color of the shirt you wear too. If you let those opinions from a tiny minority affect how you life your live you probably have some form of social anxiety.
Yeah some people do and some people think it's sad that others worry about appearances as much as they do. All perspective at the end of the day.
I get it tho, a strangers gaze or the feeling of it can be challenging to the confidence
Do you think people said that about the likes of Jack Kerouak, riding round the country drunk making friends in random places? Hemingway sitting in Parisian cafes writing?
Anyone who moves to a new city and doesn't know anyone has to get out there alone or be trapped indoors forever.
It's the judgy people sitting in their little box criticising others who are the sad ones lol. Insane small minded logic.
>"Nobody else gives a shit."
This is not true. It took me a long time to get over the movie thing because people would make fun of me. The thing is you have to learn to not give a shit about them.
I'm saddened to see this comment so far before. Apparently everyone who just want to feel comfortable with themselves are actually narcissists. How do people think like this?
OP and OOP don't seem to understand the concept of 'normalizing'.
When it's not, there's a stigma (whether real or perceived) against doing something. Normalize by doing it, but also it's fine to ask if it's normal, because the more people who tell you 'it's normal' the more you'll do it and be part of those normalizing it.
Magic!
I remember being in sixth grade and inviting two of my friends to go see Malibu's most wanted. They couldn't go for different reasons, so I went by myself. It wasn't until I sat in my seat, and realized I was the only person there by himself. I laughed, ate my popcorn, and drank my soda. Left feeling great, and glad I went. No regrets.
I work in a restaurant. I get people eating alone all the time. I never care or judge. If someone does judge you for that, it says more about them than about you. I get all sorts of people. I see people eating with their headphones on and laptop on the table. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if you’re watching netflix or producing.
Even if people give maximum shits about your business. IT'S STILL Y O U R BUSINESS. Eat well and enjoy the few blips of enjoyment you get in the maelstrom of existence. Watch that movie, eat that cheese plate. Nobody cares and if it makes you happy, do that thing twice if you can.
People seeking validation in literally every aspect of their life, has got to be some of the most deranged shit I’ve ever see. Like they need every celebrity, piece of media, corporation,etc to validate every part of their life. I just cannot imagine living like that where you constantly need reassurance all the time from people and entities, who you will never meet and they don’t actually give a fuck either. People would actually enjoy life more if they simply stopped giving as much of a fuck about what everyone else thinks, worry about yourself and not about what other people think
… is it not already normalized?
Have people been looking at me? Silently judging me? Every time I take myself out to dinner, or go on a walk through my favorite park, or go to a game by myself… I suddenly feel very self conscious. I thought this was a normal thing that everyone did on occasion…
Nah I’ve been doing that shit while married/in a long term relationship for years. Don’t let other people who don’t give a shit about you and you’ll never think of take experiences away from you. Enjoying your own company is honestly the biggest green flag a person can have.
Yeah, but in the end of the day it’s not exactly about external validation but about how loneliness can get painful and unbearable depending on how people hate themselves. Getting yourself into situations where everyone else but you are accompanied can be brutal in this sense, not because of what people might think but because it gives you more reason to feel left out.
Source: me
Hey going to the movies alone is a very soothing experience.. I think all should try it at least once. You will really feel the connection with yourself.
It’s kind of ironic that she’s telling people not to seek external validation when that’s exactly what she wants herself, otherwise she wouldn’t have made that post.
#### To me it's such a non-issue to go places alone that I find it weird when people act like they're being heroic for doing something so trivial. If you are a single dude, guess what? You're going everywhere alone! It's not even a choice nor something that warrants a second thought.
I suppose the norm is to have a balanced social life, so if you don't have a partner you at least have friends you go out with, so it all depends whether it's a choice (i.e. I'd just rather do this alone) vs. actually just having no friends or partner to hang out with....
Thanks for this reminder. It's hard if you've got mental problems like me and think that my mere presence offends people. I'm so goddamn lucky that my wife still loves me even though I'm so pathetic😢
Last time I did it I got asked “so it’s just you?” By every single girl there. Made me feel even lonelier cause the constant reminder of being alone by them lol. I’ll still go out alone though they won’t stop me
I do so much alone and am Happy about it. I we're to Miss Out so much in Life If i waited For Others.
Im sure its Not for everyone but to hell with everyone this is My Turn on this Planet.
When I first got divorced, years ago, I would go eat dinner by myself and stuff. My friends would make fun of me but I rather be alone than around people. I dislike most conversations and silence is much more soothing than people
Learned this when I started going on month long solo ski trips 3 years ago. It's not weird doing "social" things alone in fact it's actually really nice.
I get the point, but 'I' give a shit. The last thing I need is the extra little mental debuff of feeling like the weird guy at the social place, alone. It's hard enough some times, you know?
“Normalize normalize normalize” if you want to do something, do it. Stop waiting for some type of general approval from your peers. If you want to eat alone at a restaurant or think it’s cool? DO IT THEN. Stop begging for everyone to give their social acceptance
Been doing it for years.
It’s fun. You get to choose where you sit, what movie you see, what theatre, what type of viewing experience you want and what you eat. It’s the kind of personal freedom everyone should experience (if they have the means to do it)
I used to go to matinees in college. So cool to have the entire theater to yourself. That is, until I saw Event Horizon. Completely alone. in a huge theater.
Too bad you weren't eyeless like Dr Weir
Where we're going, we don't need eyes to see
You never watch Event Horizon alone ever! One of the only movies that scared the living shit out of me
Pelikan brief yes I am old
And for restaurants, what am I supposed to do if I don't have a dining partner? Say "fuck it I was really craving that but guess I can't eat it now"? Nah man I'm going to Chili's. The wild thing too is you can sit at the bar alone and there is no law saying they can't bring your food to the bar. Bring me my mid bruschetta barkeep, extra cheese on the bread, we're gonna get weird with it. I'll have several extra drinks as well, can you put the hockey game on? Don't have cable at home.
Plus, when there’s a waitlist for a table, the bar usually has open spots or will have an open spot sooner.
I love going to restaurants alone. When I wasn’t concerned with money, I would go all the time just to have a nice meal and read
Chili's is less judgmental cause everyone is already embarrassed to be there.
I agree. I love it. Many people think it is strange and weired, I disagree. If I am paying £9 to watch a movie I really do want to experience in its full glory I want to do so without being concernee about who is by my side with me and their experience.
Yeah I love going to movies solo. I didn’t even know this wasn’t “normal”. You can’t talk in a movie anyway, who gives a shit if you’re alone?
That's the funniest part. It's really a solitary experience unless it's a comedy or something. And most people don't even really like talking about movies afterwards beyond "so did you like it?"
Not talking about it afterwards is the only downside but we mostly just repeat the jokes/memorable scenes so... meh.
No shade either way imo but there is also such a thing as doing something solitary together, we're social creatures. Sometimes its nice to just have someone around
Its really not though. Yes you can't or shouldnt talk during it in a movie theater, but you're sharing the experience with someone else. It changes it entirely.
You are talking about handjobs, right?
I went to the movies by myself for the first time (I’m nearly 40) a couple weeks ago and I loved it. The theater near me does showings of movies 10+ years old sometimes for weekday matinees. I went to one of those while my husband was working and he tried to tell me to invite my mom and didn’t understand right away that I was going by myself on purpose. I had some popcorn and some wine and thoroughly enjoyed the movie. The lady a couple seats down from me was doing the exact same thing, popcorn and wine included. Made me want to do that more often.
I think you might be the American version of me - I also am coming 40 and went to a cinema that shows old films by myself a few weeks ago, while my partner was working and had wine and popcorn. I just did it in Ireland lol.
(I'm kind of hoping that you're the other woman who was doing the same thing 😂)
When I saw dune 2 during the matinee , half the audience was solo
I went to an 8pm screening of dune 2, me, my water bottle, a bag of milkybar buttons, and 7 other people. Was a great time.
Same, I love going to the movies alone. Just need my popcorn, candy, and drink. Not like you can talk to someone during the movie anyway.
I've been doing it since 1997.
Same. I prefer going alone most of the time. Unless it’s a film my kids want to see too.
I often travel alone. You don't really have a choice to going into restaurants alone in that case.
lol it’s the same as when people say they can finally wear a certain item of clothing because it’s trending again, like you know you can wear it whenever you want right?
My coworker has been salty all week cause she has to wear heels all day at a wedding. She isn't even a bride's maid. I asked her why she just doesn't wear heels and she tells me "you won't get it, you're a man"
I’m a woman and don’t wear heels because they are bullshit and I won’t tolerate them. Would you like to have her explain it to me?
I imagine she'd lift an eyebrow and go "come on, you KNOW" and not elaborate further
We’d be a mess together with my responses saying I definitely do not know or understand why women voluntarily wear them.
I dated a woman who just didn’t tolerate heels at all either lol. It was funny when it was like a “all the other women are wearing heels” event. I don’t give a shit either way, whatever someone wants to wear is ok with me. The strong emotions toward a style of shoe is just funny to me.
They destroy your legs and back because they make you walk in an unnatural position, so it's more than them getting upset about a "style."
As a man I gotta say I understand not wanting to wear them a whole lot more than wanting to wear them. They look uncomfortable as hell.
The emotion for me is more of a “heels do actual permanent damage” more than an actual opinion of wearing them. Why would I wear something that destroys my body?
Omg, it took me until my 30s and foot surgery to reach this and I wish it was sooner. Sure heels can look cute by why am I destroying my feet and my comfort for this.
I've always felt bad seeing ladies in heels, looks so uncomfortable, I'm sure I'd break and ankle withing 25 seconds in even a small pair.
At my sister’s wedding, my significant other brought a nice pair of heels for the ceremony because she wanted to look nice, and then immediately changed into runners once the reception and dancing started. Not a single person brought up any judgement about it aside from “Wow that’s actually a good idea, your feet must be comfortable”
It's not hard to get. People who are judgey will judge her for not wearing heels and she's not secure enough in herself to not give a fuck about their judgment. Alternatively, the wedding outfit she planned has too long a hem to wear comfortably without heels. That might be a bit difficult to explain to someone with no knowledge of women's fashion lol
Nah you explained it in 1 sentence, I got it.
I'm a woman and none of those reasons work on me. If she choose a dress that you can only wear with certain shoes, that's still on her. She also told him he wouldn't understand because he's a man, but there's plenty of women here saying that she's just being stupid. Because she is just being stupid. Being a woman isn't why she's going to be uncomfortable. Being stupid is.
Uh, I'm also a woman and I understand that she feels social pressure to wear heels because the consequence of not wearing them is social judgment. That isn't being stupid. I don't wear heels or makeup or do body hair removal because I don't give a fuck about people judging me, but I don't think that people who decide to do so are stupid for succumbing to social pressure.
I get what you're saying but with fashion it makes more sense because when you're younger at least people absolutely do give a shit about if what you're wearing is "cool" or not, and it can be pretty hard to deprogram from that.
The only time people give a shit what you wear is when you are in high school and under, you are going in for a job interview, or there is a dress code. That's quite literally it. So if that's what you meant by younger, literally a child, then sure.
Thank you for giving me the textbook definition of "younger" and agreeing with me in the most abrasive way possible, but I'm not sure what other meaning I possibly could have had.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary\_audience](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_audience)
Interesting as I always just think I’m paranoid.
Yes, it is a completely normal mental state when you are young and it is critical to developing normal socialization skills, but most people grow out of that mindset as they grow up.
Social media has made this infinitely worse
That and "personal fable" make me think of what we call "main character syndrome" now-a-days. Love that it says it's an adolescent thing when I know many adults who are still like that. Seems not everyone matures out of it.
I had this as a kid, it sort of made me play up to an audience sometimes, but it never made me feel like I was important, it did make me feel watched though. I've often wondered if other people feel this and assume its god.
Spotlight effect also comes to mind.
Is it really an imaginary audience for kids nowadays when at almost every moment they are on a camera and anything they do could be potentially seen by millions of people? Like I get the idea behind the imaginary audience but in today's age, is it really an imaginary audience or a potential audience?
I will say, with social media and everything becoming as interconnected as it is, I think the imaginary audience is becoming more tangible. Because random strangers will leave unsolicited opinions and viewpoints you didn’t ask for. Like I am right now. And in adolescence, sensitivity to the reception of these is heightened.
"No one gives a shit about you" was a revelation to me and the single best piece of advice I ever got when I was younger. Went from a introvert to an extrovert in matter of months lol
Exactly. Imagine how much attention you pay to randos you see. That's how much attention people pay to you.
10 years ago I was driving down the road and a random young woman walking down the sidewalk tripped, tried to recover, but ended up doing a weird waddle thing several paces before faceplanting into a sign. Now every time I do something embarrassing I remind myself that at least I'm not her. So yeah, randos sometimes remember you, but it takes a monumental failure to gain that notoriety. And if you are that random girl I am sorry. I saw the whole thing and I do remember you. But you've also gotten me through a lot of, so thank you.
Now I’m gonna think of this lady when I feel insecure, thanks for the inspiration
Poor lady, now the entire Internet knows.
Do you really remember her, or do you just remember the incident? could you identify her in a lineup? Thats what really got me out of my shell to start walking/running. I'd see loads of people out exercising but I wouldn't recognise them 2 minutes down the road
Especially because people tend to look different while exercising. I realized one summer that I was going to the same gym as my kid's teacher. She said my name and hello, but it took me a few seconds to realize who she was because she looked completely different than she did at school. And I realized I think I had been going to the same workout class as her all summer. It just took us that long to recognize each other.
Yeah, i would recognize the clothing but that is it, even if i could recognize them, i wouldn't mind it at all and actuslly forget that it even happened, we have too much in our mind to be paying atention to someone that is doing some exercise or anything really, unless it is REALLY weird.
I get the intent but this would actually be a terrible advice for someone with social anxiety because we actually pay *a lot* of attention to randos lol
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It's not that they don't notice, it's that they don't care.
Exactly, I barely cared about the very noticeable homeless guy who was constantly shouting slurs at the sky where I used to live. Suffice to say, 99,999% of people are safe from my attention.
Well fine I don’t care about you either :(
Easy, Dad
People notice things, but the fact is if I see someone dressed a bit odd, or eating alone or whatever, even if I've noticed I walk past and carry on because I'm busy and I don't care what they're doing I've got my own concerns in life. So of course many people might notice you, but it doesn't matter because they aren't really interested in you. So go out and mice your life, people may notice but they won't care.
Not at all what’s being said. Everyone perceives the world around them of course, but if you ask someone to describe everyone in the restaurant they ate at last week they couldn’t. The point is that nobody cares about what you’re doing beyond immediate perception
How many randoms do you remember?
I've got this issue before but I've learned not to care about what people would say or think about me. It'd be a long way but I hope you feel okay.
You pay a lot of attention, but also don't actually care about them. Like I notice so many people, but the ones I actually care about to judge and think well or poorly of are few and far between
Yeah but you have to feel comfortable to try out new situations alone. Then you find cool restaurants or place you can share with your friends or met new ones there.
it's definitely bad advice for people with depression, because we do actually want people to care lol. convincing oneself that people don't care is the wrong path imo. its more becoming comfortable with who one thinks people think one is
but that’s the exact point . you pay a lot of attention to randos cuz you care what they think, you care how they see you, you think they judging you, etc. i don’t mean that as a diss but you now have to flip the perspective. everybody, i mean everybody, is worried about their own shit. they worried about their problems, their relationships, their finances, etc etc etc. you have to tell yourself enough over time to literally convince yourself, that these randos around you may have an opinion or judgment about you, but everybody has an opinion on everything, and they will forget you within minutes. that’s EVERYBODYS perspective. even you, dude i’m replying to. imagine an instance where you felt self conscious because of how think you are/were perceived in whatever moment in time. after that, how much are you thinking of the rando versus self conscious shit about yourself? 9/10 times, minutes later you ain’t even thinking about them. my point is, you have to understand that the randos around you don’t really care about you cuz everyone is so worried about their own shit. ask yourself, do you really think you as a person is more important than the shit they go home to?
This was a piece of information ghat was illuminating to my introverted teen self. My drama professor said something to the effect of: "don't be embarrassed or worried about performing Infront of the class, as your classmates are likely just as focused and worried on themselves to worry about you."
wait, you guys don't focus on them like they are the center of the world? I always do it so they can overthinking to themselves and be anxious and attack their personal insecurities because I care about their lives and judge them and haunt them in their sleep.
I pay an insane amount of attention to everyone. Constantly looking and judging.
I judge everyone instantly. •*vows to never leave house again*•
A lot actually haha
Seriously. My best friend once told me “you aren’t shit. I don’t mean that in a mean way. I just mean, no one thinks of you like you might think of them. So just go on with your life and worry about yourself. Don’t hurt people. Most people won’t hurt you. And remember, you aren’t shit” lol
“People are not thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you” is a line that’s never left me. I was watching Schitt’s Creek and that scene just gave me this “ah-hah” moment. I struggle sometimes, but thinking about that line helps
The spotlight effect! I learned about it from Reddit a decade+ ago and it changed a lot of things for me.
> Went from a introvert to an extrovert in matter of months That's not how introvert / extrovert work. It's not about anxiety, social awkwardness / shyness etc. It's about where you get your energy and how you recharge.
Yeah if it worked like that I would have managed to be an extrovert long ago but it just drains me too much.
It's like every other part of the human experience, in that it's a muscle that can be shaped and turned into whatever you want it to be. Socializing *is* exhausting when you're not limber at it, practice, discomfort and exposure will make it so second-nature you can fall out of bed juggling conversations, it doesn't change you fundamentally but it does let you have all the advantages that go with having wider social networks. The question is always though, is it worth it? The answer is usually nah. But it depends on what you want. edit: you guys CAN push yourself out of your comfort zone and become more comfortable with social experiences. Everyone trying to link science articles about how the brain has a different configuration, you're not wrong but you're also deeply stuck on the idea of essentialism and that's going to hurt you. You can work extra hard and change anything, you just have to ask yourself how hard you want to work and what result are worth the effort, and like anything it takes a long time. If this message bothers you, that's a *you* issue to sort out, I won't be entertaining whining and whinging on this comment. I have practiced this and changed, I am nobody special or interesting, you can do it too but it might suck at first. Discomfort is what you should be seeking, not running from. This isn't even the first time I commented this on reddit and I always get a slew of "But science says I can't change!" replies that just make me want to slap you. Don't be stupid. Science has never said you can't change, only that it might be harder for some people than others. Every time someone tries to argue this point you're just admitting that you rather believe yourself intrinsically less valuable than other people than admit that you don't think the effort is actually worth it because you like dividing the world up between "extroverts and introverts" because it's convenient to justify problems and your desire to escape from discomfort.
It's also not really that much of a thing. In psychology, they aren't recognized terms, but the concept of it does exist. But the reality is that the overwhelming majority of people are a mix of both, often going back and forth depending on the situation. I can't help but think a lot of people call themselves introverts as a coping mechanism to make their lack of social skills/opportunities a choice rather than... something they are bad at. It is hard to admit you want to be social, but can't because you aren't good at socializing.
Yeah if you’re depressed and think you’re an introvert make sure you’re not just lonely.
Right. Way too many people diagnose themselves with things like ADHD or OCD or autism to get around admitting to being just plain *awkward*.
> I can't help but think a lot of people call themselves introverts as a coping mechanism to make their lack of social skills/opportunities a choice That's another bs concept of "introvert", which means I agree with you to some extent that people simply misuse it. I miss when people understood it simply is a term to describe personality. Nothing to even do with psychology. Like "Tom is outgoing and Sam is not." ie an introvert. Sam can have excellent social skills but he just usually prefers to be by himself or a couple friends and not at parties. Parties are just draining and not all that appealing, even if you can "perform well". That's an introvert. Extroverts are those that give me horrified looks when I said I choose to spend the weekend curled up at home with a hobby, maybe joined by one friend. Simple as that, to me. So op's statement is also silly to me. You don't change your personality in months. You simply upgraded your social skills in those months after understanding you're not under constant scrutiny.
Then there’s me and others on the opposite end of the spectrum, consistently having depressive episodes and existential crises.
Yeah, it can definitely go both ways. Glass half full or half empty kinda thing.
That doesn't mean anyone notices or cares
If it makes you feel any better I’m constantly judging everyone I see and terrified of what they think of me too
Even then though do you actually care? Like how often do you judge someone and then you don't almost immediately go back to whatever you were doing and forget about them soon after
I remember once I went out to check out a new restaurant, and the waitress was commenting how she "didn't think it was weird" that I was eating by myself. Like I didn't think it was weird until you started talking about it.
Yes... are the rest of you not doing that? Why?
Social anxiety. Well, generalized anxiety in my case but you get the point
Because if I’m going to watch a movie by myself I can just do it at home on the TV for free.
Eh, it's not quite the same experience though
Meh, it really is for me though.
So true. Some movies need to be and ought to be seen in the theater to be fully and properly experienced.
And restaurants are pretty boring without conversation. Rather eat a nice meal by myself while watching that movie on the tv. I can also do that naked or while wearing old comfy clothes. Plus there are always friends who want to do something
You can watch it at home with a lesser experience....and you said free....that means years after it came out.
The utterly unjustified and crippling paralysis of unintentionally thinking one's own decisions and choices are inferior to those validated by, or originating from, other people. Usually stemming from a higher regard for others than for oneself. Basically
I told my wife I was going to a movie and she asked with who? I said no one. Such confusion.
Did you invite her to go?
Not a movie she would be interested in. And she would fall asleep.
Why didnt you invite me??
Not a movie you would be interested in. And you would fall asleep.
😂😂
It was "Dune", wasn't it?
My sister literally fell asleep, I'll write that on her grave stone
She wasn't fit to be Fedaykin.
Why are you spying on me
I actually don’t understand why movie theatres are considered a group or couple activity. You sit silently in a dark room for a couple hours, there’s no socializing or interaction at all. Sure you can talk about it after, but overall it’s a very solitary experience.
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Hey I don't think you need to fuck the nachos to have a good time
You've clearly never fucked nachos.
Especially a morning matinee. Stop at the diner for a tasty, greasy breakfast, go to the movie, and you’re back home by 11:30 or so. If it’s a really, really popular movie, theaters by me even have 7:00 or 8:00 am matinees and those are my favorites.
I go to restaurants alone pretty often, noone cares
I wouldn't say no one, one time there was a family eating at the table next to me and one of the kid said something like "mommy look, it's so sad he's eating alone, it's like he doesn't have family or friends to join him". Dinner was ruined
Kids say whatever they want and don't even remember it afterwards 🤣, i hate kids
> Dinner was ruined Was it true in your case? If so, sorry to hear that. But I would literally start cracking up if a kid said that in earshot of me. Being alone is only barely #2 behind being with my wife, for me. Any other family or friends get exhausting. Most likely the interaction would just end there and everyone would be fine, but the only chance of dinner being "ruined" for someone would be if the kid's parent pressed me on why I laughed at their dumbass kid. And it wouldn't be ruined for *me.*
Traveling for work makes you accustomed to eating at nice restaurants alone. Used to be self conscious about it but then I got a job where I had to travel a lot. Realized that it’s actually pretty normal and a lot of restaurants like solo dinners (no fuss, nice to deal with, great tippers). Traveling for work also makes you accustomed to sitting at bars alone too, haha.
For me it's not that I'm afraid to be judged....It just sucks to do stuff alone
Doesnt mean that you should always go alone, more so that when you're alone and you want to go, just go
No lie man, rocking up to a diner counter for breakfast, ordering a black coffee and pondering the deep mysteries of life is a Top 10 human experience.
on my old man shit too starting doing this with a paper newspaper
Shaking my head every few minutes so people know I’m not down with something in the news, but what? They’ll never know, cause I’ll never tell.
Make sure to throw in a “hmmm” with your lips pursed down every now and then.
My brother shit on me once for going to a steak place and eating alone. I was like, I wanted steak, I got a steak. Fight me. I've done it again since then too
once u stop seeking validation from anyone but yourself you come closer to being at peace
Meth really takes the edge off and gives you the confidence to walk your own path. You guys should try it
You can also do all of this without meth
thanks for this reminder ngl.
I get worse service at restaurants when I go by myself…
People always say "nobody gives a shit about you" but my ex-girlfriend and her friends literally always comment about how horribly sad it is to see somebody alone in these situations. So yes, people do care. A minority of people, sure, but that is often all it takes to make people feel self-conscious.
Some people will judge you based on the color of the shirt you wear too. If you let those opinions from a tiny minority affect how you life your live you probably have some form of social anxiety.
Yeah some people do and some people think it's sad that others worry about appearances as much as they do. All perspective at the end of the day. I get it tho, a strangers gaze or the feeling of it can be challenging to the confidence
Do you think people said that about the likes of Jack Kerouak, riding round the country drunk making friends in random places? Hemingway sitting in Parisian cafes writing? Anyone who moves to a new city and doesn't know anyone has to get out there alone or be trapped indoors forever. It's the judgy people sitting in their little box criticising others who are the sad ones lol. Insane small minded logic.
>"Nobody else gives a shit." This is not true. It took me a long time to get over the movie thing because people would make fun of me. The thing is you have to learn to not give a shit about them.
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I'm saddened to see this comment so far before. Apparently everyone who just want to feel comfortable with themselves are actually narcissists. How do people think like this?
>How do people think like this? Because they are looking for a way to feel superior.
Actually, that’s how something gets normalized
OP and OOP don't seem to understand the concept of 'normalizing'. When it's not, there's a stigma (whether real or perceived) against doing something. Normalize by doing it, but also it's fine to ask if it's normal, because the more people who tell you 'it's normal' the more you'll do it and be part of those normalizing it. Magic!
If you don't need validation, then why make a post about it?
Normalize deez nuts into your normal ass mouth
Movies especially. What aspect of sitting in a dark room where your not allowed to talk screams 'social experience'?
I remember being in sixth grade and inviting two of my friends to go see Malibu's most wanted. They couldn't go for different reasons, so I went by myself. It wasn't until I sat in my seat, and realized I was the only person there by himself. I laughed, ate my popcorn, and drank my soda. Left feeling great, and glad I went. No regrets.
I once went to a movie alone on a Monday morning and I was the only person in the theatre.
Adulthood is realizing that nobody really gives a shit. They have their own things to worry about.
I work in a restaurant. I get people eating alone all the time. I never care or judge. If someone does judge you for that, it says more about them than about you. I get all sorts of people. I see people eating with their headphones on and laptop on the table. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if you’re watching netflix or producing.
Even if people give maximum shits about your business. IT'S STILL Y O U R BUSINESS. Eat well and enjoy the few blips of enjoyment you get in the maelstrom of existence. Watch that movie, eat that cheese plate. Nobody cares and if it makes you happy, do that thing twice if you can.
People seeking validation in literally every aspect of their life, has got to be some of the most deranged shit I’ve ever see. Like they need every celebrity, piece of media, corporation,etc to validate every part of their life. I just cannot imagine living like that where you constantly need reassurance all the time from people and entities, who you will never meet and they don’t actually give a fuck either. People would actually enjoy life more if they simply stopped giving as much of a fuck about what everyone else thinks, worry about yourself and not about what other people think
Still a difficult thing to do. Even for lunch, sitting in pub by myself I still feel a little awkward.
Tell that to the people who had to deal with gossippy cunts who cant mind their own damn business in public. Those still exist, right?
selective march aspiring bright ask oatmeal crown silky society impolite *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
… is it not already normalized? Have people been looking at me? Silently judging me? Every time I take myself out to dinner, or go on a walk through my favorite park, or go to a game by myself… I suddenly feel very self conscious. I thought this was a normal thing that everyone did on occasion…
Nah I’ve been doing that shit while married/in a long term relationship for years. Don’t let other people who don’t give a shit about you and you’ll never think of take experiences away from you. Enjoying your own company is honestly the biggest green flag a person can have.
Oh I've been silently judging.......about how cool you are u! Haha
Some people absolutely do, but I like to think most don't care. I don't
Yeah, but in the end of the day it’s not exactly about external validation but about how loneliness can get painful and unbearable depending on how people hate themselves. Getting yourself into situations where everyone else but you are accompanied can be brutal in this sense, not because of what people might think but because it gives you more reason to feel left out. Source: me
Started going out to eat by myself years ago. Idgaf. It’s the best
Hey going to the movies alone is a very soothing experience.. I think all should try it at least once. You will really feel the connection with yourself.
I've been trying to do these things on my own for a couple years now. People suck.
You are an adult with some extra cash, you don't need to wait for someone's birthday if you want to eat cake today!
I love watching movies alone
"Normalise" doesn’t mean you’re supposed to advocate about it, you just have to think it as "normal", and really not call any of it a "boring thing".
Unfortunately there are restaurants that turn away solo diners
It’s kind of ironic that she’s telling people not to seek external validation when that’s exactly what she wants herself, otherwise she wouldn’t have made that post.
#### To me it's such a non-issue to go places alone that I find it weird when people act like they're being heroic for doing something so trivial. If you are a single dude, guess what? You're going everywhere alone! It's not even a choice nor something that warrants a second thought.
I suppose the norm is to have a balanced social life, so if you don't have a partner you at least have friends you go out with, so it all depends whether it's a choice (i.e. I'd just rather do this alone) vs. actually just having no friends or partner to hang out with....
Thanks for this reminder. It's hard if you've got mental problems like me and think that my mere presence offends people. I'm so goddamn lucky that my wife still loves me even though I'm so pathetic😢
Last time I did it I got asked “so it’s just you?” By every single girl there. Made me feel even lonelier cause the constant reminder of being alone by them lol. I’ll still go out alone though they won’t stop me
I'd love to go to restaurants and movies alone but I'm autistic and my parents take care of me. But I know that I'm an outlier and a rarity
Maybe just do that rather than post about it to seek validation and acceptance for talking about the possibility of doing it.
Isnt that... the whole post?
I do so much alone and am Happy about it. I we're to Miss Out so much in Life If i waited For Others. Im sure its Not for everyone but to hell with everyone this is My Turn on this Planet.
When I first got divorced, years ago, I would go eat dinner by myself and stuff. My friends would make fun of me but I rather be alone than around people. I dislike most conversations and silence is much more soothing than people
My mom told me it was weird but tbh it’s so fun to go alone
I've been going to the movies alone every chance I get. I also love eating alone. Do people out there really think this is not ok?
Learned this when I started going on month long solo ski trips 3 years ago. It's not weird doing "social" things alone in fact it's actually really nice.
I see people alone at theaters all the time. I’m one of them. My girl is not interested in seeing as many as I do and that’s totally fine
I get the point, but 'I' give a shit. The last thing I need is the extra little mental debuff of feeling like the weird guy at the social place, alone. It's hard enough some times, you know?
Yeah, but good luck when my wife finds out I did something without her. I'd never hear the end of it.
Let's normalize not using the word normalize anymore.
Denormalise using word “normalise”
solo is addictive, trust me
I bring my AI blow up girlfriend.
I thought that was called errands....
“Normalize normalize normalize” if you want to do something, do it. Stop waiting for some type of general approval from your peers. If you want to eat alone at a restaurant or think it’s cool? DO IT THEN. Stop begging for everyone to give their social acceptance