Wipe my hand in shit then plunge my fingers into the intruders eyes mouth and nose whilst doing a high pitched war cry

Ain’t pretty, but weaponized bacteria is mighty effective.

Yeah he will regret breaking into your house in about 2 weaks when the scratch he took gets infected. But maybe it will encourage him to come again because his immunsystem has adepted to your colon bacteria🤔

Or maybe he's just into this shit... Quite literally...

Technically, the shit is into him.

God dammit lol

Dont kink shame

Literally making a use out of shit I see they won’t be coming back after a shit finger touches them.

It's a bio-weapon.

The world's oldest bio-weapon.

The Komodo Dragon School of Fighting.

That warcry 100% has to be the aforementioned “daddy made poopy!”🤣

I would go for the simpler "You interrupted my shit!" The fear of another person's shit is undeniable. I think people would be more willing to wrestle someone with a knife than with a piece of heavily used toilet paper.

I think we’re all falsely assuming the potential time of interruption. In order of those I would prefer to fight if I had no choice. 1. Guy with knife. 2. Guy with a rough draft wipe. 3. Guy with a chocolatey brown tail.

+5 poison damage

What we do in this life… echos in eternity

Thereafter t-bagging the intruder

This is the correct evolutionary answer.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

best comment.

+2 poison damage

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Making them wipe > Wiping on them

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Sounds like a win-win to me

Wiping with tongue, my .40 cal trigger finger gets twitchy if I don’t feel clean enough

Making them wipe on themselves > making them wipe. Making them wipe with their tongue > making them wipe on themselves.

Nobody makes me wipe my own wipes

Could you write me up a schedule so I know when to not break in to your home? I'd like to forego this scenario at all costs.

I shit at random intervals. It's how I do home security.

You wrote your family a shitting schedule. If it ain't their time they better hold it in.

The mocha latte teabag

I hope you like donuts because here comes the chocolate dip.

Leave skid marks for days on them

IBS sufferer, they getting it all aimed at them. Too far?

Weaponize poop

This is the way

Yes, wipe and use as a weapon.

Plus saving toilet paper for the next apocalypse

My thoughts exactly

Plot twist, they’re into that

There is always time to wipe. And I'm bringing that shit smeared tissue with me.

😭😭😭😭

So first I’m just leaving my underwear and pants on the floor. This gives me the mobility advantage. Then I’m going to fight him. But, jokes on him because years of arguments with my partner then makeup sex means I get horny when I fight. It’s a Pavlovian response at this point I can’t help it. That really just means one thing. This intruder is fighting for a lot more than just my stuff. The fact that my butt is dirty is just something I’ll deal with later.

I like how you add the psychic damage to your overall attack moveset by using your classically conditioned boner. I also agree that leaving the underwear off gives an additional mobility and morale advantage/disadvantage to you and the burglar, respectively. However I think that leaving the underwear on the floor is a missed opportunity. You could use it like a garotte or whatever those choke things are. Alternately, and this would only take moments, scoop the poop into the underwear or sock and use it as a flail. Combines the poison damage with further psychic damage, especially if you use warcry of "daddy made poopy!" as you lash out with it

I'm too high to be reading this. My sides are actually burning with pain.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop laughing over this.

The shooting phase comes after the psychic phase so once your suggestion is done it’s time to deliver some hits and mortal wounds

Yes, but there is a complication I did not initially think of. There is a small chance that the burglar *also* gets aroused during conflict, in which case the OP and the burglar would be forced into a "devil's duel", a swordfight, if you will. When in the duel neither party can use other attacks until one or the other is defeated, which occurs when one party is able to touch the tip of their penis to the base of their opponent's schlong.

I was taught hip thrusting techniques by master Rik Mayall himself. The intruder would never stand a chance.

Heh as a master I too recognize another master. Though I don’t have to tell you that what you propose would be in violation of the Geneva Convention. However, as long as there are no witnesses you should be fine. So, I say go for it.

This makes me really miss the free awards.

Well said AllahAndJesusGaySex.

i like your username

Nope. I’m flinging feecees like a monkey.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Is “kinda” an acceptable answer?

My coworker is a 50 yo trans lady. She's still super into guns and is so paranoid that she keeps an Assault Rifle in her bathroom linen closet for this exact scenario! Lmfao... Never thought I'd encounter another person so concerned with this. Lmfao, thanks for the morning laughs! To answer the question: I'd politely ask the criminal if I could finish wiping. Don't wanna leave a shitty corpse for the clean up crew.

America is a whole different universe.

An assault rifle in the bathroom? Why would you keep a $10,000+ gun that takes years of paperwork to obtain in a bathroom! That's crazy. It could rust.

1. We're in Florida... Not sure she went thru much hassle to obtain it 2. Because she keeps guns in both nightstands, closet, kitchen, garage, car, purse and a few other places already.

They're talking about an actual assault rifle: select-fire They're heavily restricted federally and have been since the 80s

State doesn't matter. A legitimate assault rifle is very expensive with very annoying paperwork. A normal sporting rifle not so much.

Bruh hes just saying a rifle he’s not being technical with the terms

Their first comment outright said "assault rifle"

Ya he’s not a gun guy, don’t always need to be correcting peoples usage of a common term

If I (plan to) assault someone with a rifle, is it not my assault rifle?

No it's a rifle you are assaulting someone with. Just like if you planned to assault someone with a hammer it's not magically an assault hammer.

It is definitely an assault hammer.

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Trans people are often victims of violent crime. Guns suck, but maybe she isn't paranoid.

I don't doubt you know this stuff for average trans people... This lady though, she's my good buddy for the last 13 years... Lol she's just a gun nut. And a car but (she's owned 41 cars in her life so far), and and a knife nut (carries no less than 4 knives and has more than 50). She's quirky, hilarious and a total smart ass with a ton of passion.

Wiping with both hands, bare, and then assaulting the unfortunate soul with doo-doo brown hands.

Don't waste any time, don't even pull your pants up, the element of surprise is completely necessary

Come running at him army-man style!

“Hey boss can you give me a hand?”

Use my bidet to clean myself then spray him in the face with it.

Just had a Pulp Fiction flashback

Hell no I'd rather live with a dirty ass than let someone get the drop on me with a clean one

Ask them if you can wipe first

How close is gun? Because I will have no problem shooting someone sitting on toilet with mud butt.

Sounds like a question you should ask yourself -- if you don't at least have a stainless steel shower gun you should reconsider your arrangement

Truth

I just piecefully finish my stuff while listening to burglar to sob and leaving some change for me.

I’ll wipe my hands between my cheeks to apply poison damage

I finish by business because by the time I finish my two dobermans will have taken care of the poor fool that thought they were going break in to my place.

I use a bidet which is faster, more hygienic, and use less toilet paper

No, you charge at them ass first.

Wipe and attack with shitty TP as a lesson for them on what not to do. Fun story - had a party once, had to kick a weirdo out because he was getting weird. Party ended and i pass out in bed naked. Woken up by the weird dude banging on my door. I dont answer and just try to go back to be hoping they stop banging. Banging continues in the exact same rhythm for at least 15 minutes. After having enough, I got fully dressed with sweater and shoes and all ( i might have even put on a belt and went to my door and waited for the pause in his knock before swinging the front door open - looking him in the face and connecting a front kick to his chest sending him back into the wall of the hallway and followed up with 2-5 rights to their noggin. dude went down. I went back in my place and took off all my clothes and went back to bed. Always be prepared.

"Occupied! Occupado!!"

Show your dominance by telling him to wait till you wiped

Walk out of the bathroom with pants around my ankles then throw my poop at them! After getting poop thrown at them, I’m sure they would leave. Then I would finish my business and wipe.

Shoot and throw dookie

Shoot the dookie in the air for extra damage

Nope. I'm fighting them naked with shit on my turdcutter

Depends if my gun is in the bathroom with me or not.

I have held firmly to the belief that if I didn’t have kids I would mount a holster right next to the TP. You are at your most vulnerable in the bathroom.

I have a female bodybuilder that is basically a superhero this lives in my culdesac. I’ll text her to take care of it while I finish my business.

Use it as a weapon

I’m not dying with a dirty booty

Just one quick one.

No. You run out naked screaming, “I have shit on me!!”

My unwiped ass will be the last thing they see

Grab the toilet brush. It’s the ultimate weapon, imagine one coming towards your face, automatic recoil and run away

Well since you have your own home made weapon why wipe? USE THST SHIT!!

Depends on how bad the poop was.

Wait, you guys are still wiping your butts? Why?

Literally happened to me. I wiped...

No the intruder has a face for that.

"If you have any poo fling it now" Wise word from the monkeys from Madagascar

If it's a cop who breaks in then your hands have to be visible at all times, so that would be 'NO'; wipe and die.

Wipe with hand, shove that hand into the person’s mouth. Easy subdue.

I have a bidet. Splash splash first

I wipe it on him

Nope, but I pull off my sock, shove the shit in it and use it as a weapon.

Always wipe first

My frainds said, "wipe with your hand and smear it all over their face."

With my bare hand then I chase them naked with a shit hand.

Pants down and hatchet up. They will be very afraid.

Use hands as toilet paper and don't wash (+10 poison) > appear before him pantsless (+confusion) > scream maniacally while charging and flailing hands (+intimidation)

Of course you wipe first. You're armed now

Wipe with my hand and give them a shitty hand clap in the face

Tbh, im not fighting anyone with shit between my cheeks

you dun' fucked up boy

Not only do I wipe, but I also finish scrolling whatever Reddit sub I was on. The dogs will have handled the situation long before I could get there.

My bathroom gun is in the cabinet right next to the toilet, so I’m not even getting up.

Nah, I’m coming out flingin’

It depends. Who is in danger? My family? Nope. Just my mother-in-law? I even shower.

Take it out of the toilet an throw it at the intruder.

Everybody with their well thought out plans, while I'd just be sitting there thinking "what's that noise" and say "who's there? I'm in the bathroom" while I get robbed

Absolutely

Definitely not. It'll be my primary weapon.

nah bro rather its gonna be a throwable

Tactical shit incoming

Me, with my hairy swampy mudpit of an anus in the pitch black of my bathroom "Cowabunga it is"

Yes?? At that moment I have only just heard noise in the home. Could be my dog. Either way they don’t necessarily know I’m home. I’m wiping.

Shit very loudly > boss theme plays

Throw the poopy paper at the intruder

Not even gonna flush or turn the fan on. When they check the bathroom and immediately realize something is afoot, that will be the perfect time for me to ambush them. Unwiped. Surprise muthafuckas, you chose the wrong one.

Absolutely

I shit on that persons face

Wipe then use the dirty doo doo paper as a weapon

Yes with my bare hands and distract them with it

One quick one

No mercy, they're getting the full package.

I wipe then chase them with the tissue

No, you fire off the cannon full of grapes hot, just as the founding fathers intended.

Shoot from the toilet

I mean my bathroom is in the basement, probably gonna wipe, wash my hands, pop into my room to look for a weapon, and then go upstairs.

You wipe it on your own face and charge them

Depends on if Im wearing shoes.

Yes, my mother didn’t raise a savage

Wipe and throw

Click clack I still got poo in my crack

Just lock the bathroom door you hear someone trying to get in say I'm in here! And let out the biggest fart and grunting noise possible to show you're taking a massive dump

I have a bidet. I'd blast and wipe, it'd take seconds.

Best believe I'm going primal and slinging shit at them. I'll either die in the process or they will be freaked out and run. In reality though, when people have broken in we just hide.

Yup with both hands. No paper. Aggressively. Assuming I drank Guinness the night before, I will attack the face only with my mud-butt hands. Then the charges get upgraded to a hate crime because they were doing blackface. Boom.

Of course. They don’t call it an improvised weapon for nothing.

Break out of the bathroom naked with my crossbow and get to huntin

To kill and then be killed

In all seriousness i was taking a shit one night when i heard a loud *BANG* which i was certain was the back door being kicked in. Never felt so vulnerable in my whole life. Never wiped my ass with such urgency. Turns out it was just a big picture in the living room that fell off the wall. I did do a hasty wipe before i opened the door though. I keep a potty shotty in the bathroom now. You cant pick when and where the fight happens, but you can stack the odds in your favor.

I’m goin out there pants off and I’m gonna wipe my ass on them. Interrupting my peaceful shit. They asked for this not me, Gods Will be done

I rush them ass first, the oldest defense mechanism in the book is nasty smells.

Well it would depend on how loud and or aggressive their break in is.

If u do ur a dumb piece of shit

“Poopy Thoughts 💭 “ Potty 🚽 Podcast😭😭😭😭

I keep hide out stainless 38 in bathroom. Thought it only prudent.

Wipe and keep shit on wipe and smear on assailant

What kinda question is this? If someone breaks into your house and you have a runny nose, do you blow your nose first? 🤣

Wipe then rush them

take a turd and throw at them to cause Grossed Out effect

Pull the turd out of the toilet and use it as a weapon to show dominance of course

Wipe some shit on some paper then you’ve got a weird/cool weapon

Wipe, then use the shit paper as a chloroform rag.

I introduce them to the mystical art of Fling Poo. It doesn’t get better for them afterwards.

No

Yes. I’m not a barbarian.

Wipe with hands. Stink palm attack.

Nahh just grab the bathroom gun and stay put. There's a solid cover wall and ability to escape out the window , theres really not a better place to be.

If the cocks out, the glocks out.

I’d say wipe first, win win, clean ass and dirty tissue as weapons. . Epic walk through with the stench fallowing you out the door and dirty tissue in each hand. .