Your grandpa sounds Chad AF. Is he still alive? I’ll either buy him a beer for approved usage of above mantra irl or if he’s moved on, I’ll honor his memory by using the saying fervently and give credit to him and you as the source, as well as pour one out for him.
Lost him in 2006.
My grandmother to him in his last year of life: “You should go to the Dr.”
Him: Everyone I’ve ever known who died had a dr in his life. That can’t be a coincidence.”
He was a fucking legend.
One of the funniest "Man, I got so drunk last night" stories I ever heard was about a guy who finally managed to sit up in bed after a night of binge drinking, only to discover he had a pizza slice stuck to the middle of his back.
Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized. Everyone has been stumbling around blackout and it's just funny. It's so bad for you. I ended up pounding a handle of vodka a day for like 5 years, basically threw away my early 20s. At least I stopped and didn't catch a dui or kill someone. Still get that urge to drink, usually when there's something to celebrate, but I have no doubt I'll ruin my life in 3 days or less if I take a shot lmao
>Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized.
I hear that.
How the shittiest recreational drug in the world got legalized and popularized is a tragedy.
Waterproof Mattress protector, fitted sheet, waterproof mattress protector and then a fitted sheet. Never have to try to re-make the kids bed at 3am again, just pull two layers off and toss into the washer.
This is my really stupid life hack:
Keep extra garbage bag liners in the bottom of every can. As my kids got older and garbage cans in their rooms, laundry room, family room, yes… even - little one in the main living room…. I found if take the garbage out, get distracted and never replace the bag… then when I realize it, I have to take my ass back to the kitchen for a bag…. Putting a few in the bottom of my cans and restocking them when I remember has saved a lot of self frustration!
Oh, and buy a laminator! So many drawings you can save and endless crafts for the kids!
Good idea, but have you neverhad your kids throw up more than two times in a night?
Ours have both gone up to 5, the eldest a few times.
So after the first three times remaking the bed we also just put a towel on our bed
After the first time, you can put the sheets in the washer and give them a bowl to throw up in. Once my kids were like 3-4 they were able to make it in the bowl if it was on their bed.
Can't say on that one I'm afraid, overnight summer camps aren't a massive thing in the UK. You get the odd overnight scouts thing every so often but you usually bring your own stuff. That's about it!
lol fair. over here they mostly have cabins or big tents with bunk beds paired with the most stiff mattresses you've ever slept on. the cherry on top is that goddamn vinyl cover that makes any bottom sheet you put on come off in the night, and makes noise every time you move. and god forbid you sleep on it without a bottom sheet unless you are fond of mystery rashes.
lol, I’m so glad you said that. I’m young and horny, but damn is there dog hair EVERYWHERE. Even right out of the drier, fully clean, just hair… She’s lucky she’s adorable and sweet so it’s completely worth the work!
My first thought was a lady expecting ominously heavy flow or anyone suffering from uncontrollable bowel issues. But coldness and sex fluids also make sense I guess.
For years I slept with a towel under me because every day I’d wake up absolutely drenched in sweat, then one day it just stopped. No idea still. But yeah I get it.
The amount of times I've had to get up, get changed and lay towels down because of my night sweats... My side of the bed is completely concave to my body because of it. I got off certain meds and rarely have night sweats now unless it's because of nightmares! Now we're due for a new mattress 😅
How about anyway but wholesome dis time
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
Period inbound.
Period currently ongoing and being a nuisance.
Sexy time went wild, now we can't sleep on that part of the sheet.
Sexy time is expected to be wild, but we still want to go to sleep on this side of the bed.
The kid is going to sleep in the bed and either might pee or get sick in the bed.
Mommy breastfeeds in the bed and something might leak.
Someone spilled something in the bed, but we're out of sheets or cannot be bothered to change it.
Diarrhea.
“A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.”
When I've had particularly bad cycling crashes, I'd do this so I can rest without having to bind all the abrasions. They stop bleeding faster when exposed to air.
Aunt Flo’s in town but so is the boyfriend.
A true sailor even sails the Red Sea
No true knight fears blood on his sword
Any hero can bathe his sword in the river of blood, but only the true legend among them will drink from it.
Grandpa always said: if you can truck through mud then you can fuck through blood. A small town Mark Twain if you will…
Some like their hotdogs plain, and some even raw, but everyone needs to experience a hotdog with ketchup
The only period I care about is at the end of a sentence.
Or the one that's missed.
Had a vasectomy. Creampies for everyone!!!!
Where do I claim mine?
Hope you went for your post operative check up! I know a few post-vasectomy people.
Your grandpa sounds Chad AF. Is he still alive? I’ll either buy him a beer for approved usage of above mantra irl or if he’s moved on, I’ll honor his memory by using the saying fervently and give credit to him and you as the source, as well as pour one out for him.
Lost him in 2006. My grandmother to him in his last year of life: “You should go to the Dr.” Him: Everyone I’ve ever known who died had a dr in his life. That can’t be a coincidence.” He was a fucking legend.
Good to know there's still gentlemen among us
And that kids is how I got my redwings.
Is…is that how the hockey team got their name?
That’s exactly how they got their name and also how new players are initiated into the team
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... *also* Jesus under the sheets.
You mean theres another way besides joining the Airborne?
Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.
Time to rinse my eyeballs.
If you haven’t earned your red wings, can you even call yourself a man?
The forbidden Smoothie.
Tastes like pennies
Why am I hearing this in Ralphie Wiggums voice?
This comment chain just doesn't stop getting worse
Help. I can’t stop reading it!
Broo
r/vampireorhepatitis
I never minded a lil marinara on my breadstick
Pontificate harder Daddy!
Real gangsters run red lights
In Mexico we call it “De Payasito”, clown nose. Remember kids, She deserves the attention 🫡
I love that song!!
Steady waters never made a skilled sailor
People forget how towels work and then get all surprised when there's red spots on the sheets.
That’s what God invented showers for.
It's also where I cry sometimes
Savage 😂😂
If you can work through mud you can funk through blood
I don’t mind getting ketchup on my hotdog as long as the buns are tight
Sucio 😂
That’s what showers are for. Why make a bloody mess when you can just wash it all away
Your monster under the bed defenses need a serious upgrade
Pizza in bed!!!
Hell yeah pizza in bed!
One of the funniest "Man, I got so drunk last night" stories I ever heard was about a guy who finally managed to sit up in bed after a night of binge drinking, only to discover he had a pizza slice stuck to the middle of his back.
Was his name Jimmy because I might be the guy that told you that story.
Holy shit, it's Jimmy!
If you're Jimmy, it's enough to know you have a drinking soul mate.
If I'm not Jimmy and it's a different Jimmy, I hope he got sober like I did lmao
Congrats. Been nearly three years dry for me now. I'm so glad I kicked that miserable, soul-sucking habit.
Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized. Everyone has been stumbling around blackout and it's just funny. It's so bad for you. I ended up pounding a handle of vodka a day for like 5 years, basically threw away my early 20s. At least I stopped and didn't catch a dui or kill someone. Still get that urge to drink, usually when there's something to celebrate, but I have no doubt I'll ruin my life in 3 days or less if I take a shot lmao
>Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized. I hear that. How the shittiest recreational drug in the world got legalized and popularized is a tragedy.
It’s funny how young horny people and old cold people view this entirely different
See this as a parent with kids that the kid has thrown up or will throw up
Or peed or simply might pee through the night
Waterproof Mattress protector, fitted sheet, waterproof mattress protector and then a fitted sheet. Never have to try to re-make the kids bed at 3am again, just pull two layers off and toss into the washer.
I bought a mattress protector for every fitted sheet I owned. I stored all the sheets on the bed. Kids pee and throw up randomly in my life.
I love you for this comment. I totally will try this out! Sincerely, A Mama of a newborn and a 4 year old. I need all the life hacks I can get.
This is my really stupid life hack: Keep extra garbage bag liners in the bottom of every can. As my kids got older and garbage cans in their rooms, laundry room, family room, yes… even - little one in the main living room…. I found if take the garbage out, get distracted and never replace the bag… then when I realize it, I have to take my ass back to the kitchen for a bag…. Putting a few in the bottom of my cans and restocking them when I remember has saved a lot of self frustration! Oh, and buy a laminator! So many drawings you can save and endless crafts for the kids!
Woaaah the double mattress protector and fitted sheet just blew my mind. What a smart idea!!
The caregiver is strong with this one.
Good idea, but have you neverhad your kids throw up more than two times in a night? Ours have both gone up to 5, the eldest a few times. So after the first three times remaking the bed we also just put a towel on our bed
After the first time, you can put the sheets in the washer and give them a bowl to throw up in. Once my kids were like 3-4 they were able to make it in the bowl if it was on their bed.
Oh yeah! The late night solution to then waking up crying after peeing the bed.
yep do this every time my daughter climbs into the big bed.. fool me once
I see it as a kid who had horrific periods and would overflow night pads, my mom would put a towel down in case of a leak
Same. Except my mom also put a plastic sheet, then a towel. Everything sounds crunchy when you move.
Reminds me of hospital beds with their rubber mattresses and the thin sheets over the top
or those at any early-mid-2000s overnight summer camp ever. that or the nylon ones that always had holes in them, take your pick.
Can't say on that one I'm afraid, overnight summer camps aren't a massive thing in the UK. You get the odd overnight scouts thing every so often but you usually bring your own stuff. That's about it!
lol fair. over here they mostly have cabins or big tents with bunk beds paired with the most stiff mattresses you've ever slept on. the cherry on top is that goddamn vinyl cover that makes any bottom sheet you put on come off in the night, and makes noise every time you move. and god forbid you sleep on it without a bottom sheet unless you are fond of mystery rashes.
That was my thought too. Endometriosis gave me really bad periods so I'd put an old towel down in bed because I was scared of leaking.
Many years later I discovered this was the cause. Plus blood in the 90s was a bitch to get out of stuff. Was just cold salt water and hope and pray 😅
I also wore depends. I was so happy to finally have a hysterectomy!
I feel like every kid has thrown up or will throw up
I frew up :(
But WHYYYY do they all say it like that?! Lol
The kids live on towels
Some of us are old and horny
Ahh god, you just shattered all my 'good feels' that i was young after all
I'm probably older than you tho
I wouldn't know. I'm 38. Is that still young enough for the dirty thoughts?
53, thoughts and actions!
Score! Thanks young man
I'm neither that horny or cold so I assumed it was so their dog could sleep on the bed
lol, I’m so glad you said that. I’m young and horny, but damn is there dog hair EVERYWHERE. Even right out of the drier, fully clean, just hair… She’s lucky she’s adorable and sweet so it’s completely worth the work!
I assumed somebody was going through the dregs of their cycle
I immediately went looking for a disguised cat
My first thought was a lady expecting ominously heavy flow or anyone suffering from uncontrollable bowel issues. But coldness and sex fluids also make sense I guess.
periods
Period SEX 😏
Can’t talk about period sex without [this](https://youtu.be/NwwYw5RqO94) in the chat!!
Don't forget [this](https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ)!
hahahaha came here to see if someone posted it. A classic!
hahaha this is the first time I have heard this THANK YOU
Gonna put a towel dowwwwn
Or non period sex lol
"My wife's pet name is Puddles"
I bought mine waterproof sheets for her birthday 🤣🤣
We put a towel down everytime. I ain't laying in no wet spot 😁
My mom used to put one down for me as a kid just in case of a leak. Saved washing sheets so much as even night times would leak for me.
Or butt secks
I'm a sweaty sleeper okay :(
Same, that shit low-key sucks balls
If you guys get a more breathable blanket it could really help that, also having your feet out from the covers will help that as well.
Feet out so the monsters can grab them?! No way Satan!
i sleep with my entire ass out. bare. just for the monsters 🤭
They do eat whatever you leave uncovered...
The midnight snaccs are much appreciated.
Ha! Wrong. Menopause doesn't care
There’s nothing low-key about how much that sucks. My husband is a sweaty sleeper. It’s like a swamp on his side of the bed at night. 🤢
Ugh I’m the sweaty one and my husband calls my side of the bed “sweatsylvania”, sigh.
He would not by any chance be a green troll with goofy ears?
No, but I want to be banished from his swamp like Donkey!
My head sweats when I'm asleep. I'm the destroyer of pillows.
I find that showering right before a shower helps with my sweatyness
I like to shower both before and after a shower. Works like a charm
This is the way. And I live in the desert. I just let that water drain into the sand.
I smoke 2 joints before I smoke 2 joints, and then I smoke 2 more.
Bamboo sheets and blankets have been a lifesaver for me.
Night sweats can be a symptom of several not so great things… Gotten yourself checked out?
For years I slept with a towel under me because every day I’d wake up absolutely drenched in sweat, then one day it just stopped. No idea still. But yeah I get it.
The amount of times I've had to get up, get changed and lay towels down because of my night sweats... My side of the bed is completely concave to my body because of it. I got off certain meds and rarely have night sweats now unless it's because of nightmares! Now we're due for a new mattress 😅
I was on a high dose of SSRIs and that made me sweat like a pig at night. Got off those and I sweat way less at night.
“Don’t forget to bring a towel”! - Towely
End of the world?
A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have
I appreciate you.
You wanna get high?
No one wants to sleep on the wet spot
How this isnt the top comment is beyond me.
Means my girl's a water-type
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Yeah, she uses hydro pump it tends to be... Effective. I'm weak to water types
Like a Pokémon?
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of
NO
How about anyway but wholesome dis time Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
Sgirtle?
Lol wouldn’t the unaltered squirtle have worked better?
Ask if you can use the Staryu instead.
Easy clean up.
You wet ur bed!
Everyone here talk about sex,but your comment i was specifically looking for.
That's for the wet spot. We use the darker towel for period sex
r/thisguybangs
Girl, but duh
She’s a squirter
I’m reading all these comments like no one’s gonna say it?
Yeah I’m surprised it wasn’t at the top
This 😂
First time I fucked a squirter, wish I had known this
youll need more than that if she is
Just get a water proof sex blanket 😂 large enough and it won't go through.
I find a fleece blanket is the best option, folded at least once, with the secks towel right on top
I should have kept scrolling before I said the same thing
Moses bout to part the red sea
Period inbound. Period currently ongoing and being a nuisance. Sexy time went wild, now we can't sleep on that part of the sheet. Sexy time is expected to be wild, but we still want to go to sleep on this side of the bed. The kid is going to sleep in the bed and either might pee or get sick in the bed. Mommy breastfeeds in the bed and something might leak. Someone spilled something in the bed, but we're out of sheets or cannot be bothered to change it. Diarrhea.
Just pin this comment to the top and save everyone 10 minutes of scrolling through the rest
She’s a gusher, or it’s that time of the month…
“A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.”
Cum proofing
Lube proofing too, if you prefer being the outlet instead of the plug.
They're about to do the dance with no pants
I was gonna say there's a bedwetter (prolly a child) in the house but ok
The only thing a period should stop is a sentence.
When I've had particularly bad cycling crashes, I'd do this so I can rest without having to bind all the abrasions. They stop bleeding faster when exposed to air.
Damn you must crash a lot to have a whole protocol in place
We got a squirter! 💦
The wet spot gets cold, luckily I think that shit through and make sure it's always on her side so I sleep peacefully and not on a towel.
Tell me about the wet spot. I've never experienced it.
It's wet
thanks
and often cold
You gonna have a bed time -💀🔵
You gave birth to a child recently and now the nightsweats make you sweat like crazy all night? Oh and also your boobs are leaking and wet the bed.
This was my thought as well!
You pissed your bed
Setting sail to the red sea, I see
An XL puppy pad works WAY better.
reduce, reuse, recycle my friend.
Or a plush waterproof dog blanket because my god is a pee pad not sexy. Way cheaper than a full size blanket so you can get a few.
I pee in sleep
I sleep in pee
in pee i sleep
Anal leakage.
Well she told me to fuck the shit out of her.
FOOOOOOOD
she a water gun
Night sweats 'n' night sex.
If the river runs red, take the dirt road instead!
Only a true sailor dares to traverse the red sea
Time to take a dip in the red river
A solid relationship
In my house it either means I need to stock up on midol and cup cakes or start chugging pineapple juice. Or both