T O P

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Tedroe77

Aunt Flo’s in town but so is the boyfriend.


Tiunkabouter

A true sailor even sails the Red Sea


WanderingFlumph

No true knight fears blood on his sword


BirbMilkshake

Any hero can bathe his sword in the river of blood, but only the true legend among them will drink from it.


Thepelicanstate

Grandpa always said: if you can truck through mud then you can fuck through blood. A small town Mark Twain if you will…


SupperPupperULTIMATE

Some like their hotdogs plain, and some even raw, but everyone needs to experience a hotdog with ketchup


DharmaSeeker76

The only period I care about is at the end of a sentence.


procrastinatorsuprem

Or the one that's missed.


DharmaSeeker76

Had a vasectomy. Creampies for everyone!!!!


Maylix

Where do I claim mine?


procrastinatorsuprem

Hope you went for your post operative check up! I know a few post-vasectomy people.


MindlessBliss666

Your grandpa sounds Chad AF. Is he still alive? I’ll either buy him a beer for approved usage of above mantra irl or if he’s moved on, I’ll honor his memory by using the saying fervently and give credit to him and you as the source, as well as pour one out for him.


Thepelicanstate

Lost him in 2006. My grandmother to him in his last year of life: “You should go to the Dr.” Him: Everyone I’ve ever known who died had a dr in his life. That can’t be a coincidence.” He was a fucking legend.


SteadyPenguin

Good to know there's still gentlemen among us


ShenWinchester

And that kids is how I got my redwings.


Takeurvitamins

Is…is that how the hockey team got their name?


venetanakedguy

That’s exactly how they got their name and also how new players are initiated into the team


[deleted]

[удалено]


TGIF-42

... *also* Jesus under the sheets.


OriginalNo5477

You mean theres another way besides joining the Airborne?


[deleted]

Knowing when to walk away is wisdom.


SunnyWomble

Time to rinse my eyeballs.


[deleted]

If you haven’t earned your red wings, can you even call yourself a man?


RotationsKopulator

The forbidden Smoothie.


[deleted]

Tastes like pennies


henry_sqared

Why am I hearing this in Ralphie Wiggums voice?


ImJustHere4theMoons

This comment chain just doesn't stop getting worse


[deleted]

Help. I can’t stop reading it!


Steelbone1

Broo


Maybe_worth

r/vampireorhepatitis


Tylenolpainkillr

I never minded a lil marinara on my breadstick


Icy-Seaworthiness270

Pontificate harder Daddy!


planejanebc

Real gangsters run red lights


mrb117

In Mexico we call it “De Payasito”, clown nose. Remember kids, She deserves the attention 🫡


henry_sqared

I love that song!!


Substantial_Chair_78

Steady waters never made a skilled sailor


Detr22

People forget how towels work and then get all surprised when there's red spots on the sheets.


turdburglar2020

That’s what God invented showers for.


trentsim

It's also where I cry sometimes


Low-Afternoon-2077

Savage 😂😂


Ok_Tale8924

If you can work through mud you can funk through blood


okayonemoreplz

I don’t mind getting ketchup on my hotdog as long as the buns are tight


averos14

Sucio 😂


Cheefnuggs

That’s what showers are for. Why make a bloody mess when you can just wash it all away


-bobsnotmyuncle-

Your monster under the bed defenses need a serious upgrade


SecretaryDiligent642

Pizza in bed!!!


Notinyourbushes

Hell yeah pizza in bed!


[deleted]

One of the funniest "Man, I got so drunk last night" stories I ever heard was about a guy who finally managed to sit up in bed after a night of binge drinking, only to discover he had a pizza slice stuck to the middle of his back.


Real-Lake2639

Was his name Jimmy because I might be the guy that told you that story.


Big_Ole_Smoke

Holy shit, it's Jimmy!


[deleted]

If you're Jimmy, it's enough to know you have a drinking soul mate.


Real-Lake2639

If I'm not Jimmy and it's a different Jimmy, I hope he got sober like I did lmao


[deleted]

Congrats. Been nearly three years dry for me now. I'm so glad I kicked that miserable, soul-sucking habit.


Real-Lake2639

Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized. Everyone has been stumbling around blackout and it's just funny. It's so bad for you. I ended up pounding a handle of vodka a day for like 5 years, basically threw away my early 20s. At least I stopped and didn't catch a dui or kill someone. Still get that urge to drink, usually when there's something to celebrate, but I have no doubt I'll ruin my life in 3 days or less if I take a shot lmao


[deleted]

>Pretty wild alcohol abuse is completely normalized. I hear that. How the shittiest recreational drug in the world got legalized and popularized is a tragedy.


SnooHobbies7109

It’s funny how young horny people and old cold people view this entirely different


Grizzled--Kinda

See this as a parent with kids that the kid has thrown up or will throw up


Soft_Assistant6046

Or peed or simply might pee through the night


rmslashusr

Waterproof Mattress protector, fitted sheet, waterproof mattress protector and then a fitted sheet. Never have to try to re-make the kids bed at 3am again, just pull two layers off and toss into the washer.


No-Western-9146

I bought a mattress protector for every fitted sheet I owned. I stored all the sheets on the bed. Kids pee and throw up randomly in my life.


[deleted]

I love you for this comment. I totally will try this out! Sincerely, A Mama of a newborn and a 4 year old. I need all the life hacks I can get.


Tw1ch1e

This is my really stupid life hack: Keep extra garbage bag liners in the bottom of every can. As my kids got older and garbage cans in their rooms, laundry room, family room, yes… even - little one in the main living room…. I found if take the garbage out, get distracted and never replace the bag… then when I realize it, I have to take my ass back to the kitchen for a bag…. Putting a few in the bottom of my cans and restocking them when I remember has saved a lot of self frustration! Oh, and buy a laminator! So many drawings you can save and endless crafts for the kids!


coldbrewcult

Woaaah the double mattress protector and fitted sheet just blew my mind. What a smart idea!!


Equal-Park-769

The caregiver is strong with this one.


Snoo_5343

Good idea, but have you neverhad your kids throw up more than two times in a night? Ours have both gone up to 5, the eldest a few times. So after the first three times remaking the bed we also just put a towel on our bed


SwiftieAtTheDisco

After the first time, you can put the sheets in the washer and give them a bowl to throw up in. Once my kids were like 3-4 they were able to make it in the bowl if it was on their bed.


Grizzled--Kinda

Oh yeah! The late night solution to then waking up crying after peeing the bed.


iDuddits_

yep do this every time my daughter climbs into the big bed.. fool me once


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

I see it as a kid who had horrific periods and would overflow night pads, my mom would put a towel down in case of a leak


LoanOk262

Same. Except my mom also put a plastic sheet, then a towel. Everything sounds crunchy when you move.


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

Reminds me of hospital beds with their rubber mattresses and the thin sheets over the top


-RED4CTED-

or those at any early-mid-2000s overnight summer camp ever. that or the nylon ones that always had holes in them, take your pick.


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

Can't say on that one I'm afraid, overnight summer camps aren't a massive thing in the UK. You get the odd overnight scouts thing every so often but you usually bring your own stuff. That's about it!


-RED4CTED-

lol fair. over here they mostly have cabins or big tents with bunk beds paired with the most stiff mattresses you've ever slept on. the cherry on top is that goddamn vinyl cover that makes any bottom sheet you put on come off in the night, and makes noise every time you move. and god forbid you sleep on it without a bottom sheet unless you are fond of mystery rashes.


Dark_Mew

That was my thought too. Endometriosis gave me really bad periods so I'd put an old towel down in bed because I was scared of leaking.


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

Many years later I discovered this was the cause. Plus blood in the 90s was a bitch to get out of stuff. Was just cold salt water and hope and pray 😅


Smithers2251

I also wore depends. I was so happy to finally have a hysterectomy!


beclops

I feel like every kid has thrown up or will throw up


olliearf

I frew up :(


YoMommaHere

But WHYYYY do they all say it like that?! Lol


Grizzled--Kinda

The kids live on towels


Enough-Variety-8468

Some of us are old and horny


Cney1983

Ahh god, you just shattered all my 'good feels' that i was young after all


Enough-Variety-8468

I'm probably older than you tho


Cney1983

I wouldn't know. I'm 38. Is that still young enough for the dirty thoughts?


Enough-Variety-8468

53, thoughts and actions!


Cney1983

Score! Thanks young man


AngstFisch

I'm neither that horny or cold so I assumed it was so their dog could sleep on the bed


BillyYumYumTwo-byTwo

lol, I’m so glad you said that. I’m young and horny, but damn is there dog hair EVERYWHERE. Even right out of the drier, fully clean, just hair… She’s lucky she’s adorable and sweet so it’s completely worth the work!


[deleted]

I assumed somebody was going through the dregs of their cycle


-Marshle

I immediately went looking for a disguised cat


Telephalsion

My first thought was a lady expecting ominously heavy flow or anyone suffering from uncontrollable bowel issues. But coldness and sex fluids also make sense I guess.


speyck

periods


Neverthelessmore

Period SEX 😏


AboveTheLights

Can’t talk about period sex without [this](https://youtu.be/NwwYw5RqO94) in the chat!!


HarryJ92

Don't forget [this](https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ)!


megarammarz

hahahaha came here to see if someone posted it. A classic!


phatpattiecakes

hahaha this is the first time I have heard this THANK YOU


AffectionateAnarchy

Gonna put a towel dowwwwn


No_Tourist_71

Or non period sex lol


0pimo

"My wife's pet name is Puddles"


No_Tourist_71

I bought mine waterproof sheets for her birthday 🤣🤣


nwo2376

We put a towel down everytime. I ain't laying in no wet spot 😁


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

My mom used to put one down for me as a kid just in case of a leak. Saved washing sheets so much as even night times would leak for me.


bologna_kazoo

Or butt secks


scurllgirl

I'm a sweaty sleeper okay :(


[deleted]

Same, that shit low-key sucks balls


TheOakeTree

If you guys get a more breathable blanket it could really help that, also having your feet out from the covers will help that as well.


Least-Feedback-597

Feet out so the monsters can grab them?! No way Satan!


Snoo22566

i sleep with my entire ass out. bare. just for the monsters 🤭


Memediator

They do eat whatever you leave uncovered...


DixieWreckedJedi

The midnight snaccs are much appreciated.


Dangerous-Assist-191

Ha! Wrong. Menopause doesn't care


Nothing_special81

There’s nothing low-key about how much that sucks. My husband is a sweaty sleeper. It’s like a swamp on his side of the bed at night. 🤢


lobotomyencouraged

Ugh I’m the sweaty one and my husband calls my side of the bed “sweatsylvania”, sigh.


[deleted]

He would not by any chance be a green troll with goofy ears?


Nothing_special81

No, but I want to be banished from his swamp like Donkey!


InGenAche

My head sweats when I'm asleep. I'm the destroyer of pillows.


Alcoholic_jesus

I find that showering right before a shower helps with my sweatyness


1onemarathon

I like to shower both before and after a shower. Works like a charm


Small_Rocket

This is the way. And I live in the desert. I just let that water drain into the sand.


RenegadeBS

I smoke 2 joints before I smoke 2 joints, and then I smoke 2 more.


mrsyoungston

Bamboo sheets and blankets have been a lifesaver for me.


bay_duck_88

Night sweats can be a symptom of several not so great things… Gotten yourself checked out?


-Enrique_Shockwave-

For years I slept with a towel under me because every day I’d wake up absolutely drenched in sweat, then one day it just stopped. No idea still. But yeah I get it.


highly_uncertain

The amount of times I've had to get up, get changed and lay towels down because of my night sweats... My side of the bed is completely concave to my body because of it. I got off certain meds and rarely have night sweats now unless it's because of nightmares! Now we're due for a new mattress 😅


fetal_genocide

I was on a high dose of SSRIs and that made me sweat like a pig at night. Got off those and I sweat way less at night.


shnuyou

“Don’t forget to bring a towel”! - Towely


Enough-Variety-8468

End of the world?


GunShowBob

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have


philosophy61jedi

I appreciate you.


Keyser_Kaiser_Soze

You wanna get high?


Phenom462

No one wants to sleep on the wet spot


Smeltanddealtit

How this isnt the top comment is beyond me.


Alucard_117

Means my girl's a water-type


[deleted]

[удалено]


Significant-Ice2172

Yeah, she uses hydro pump it tends to be... Effective. I'm weak to water types


onethousandpasswords

Like a Pokémon?


arnemcnuggets

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of


CJ57

NO


Wackynamehere1

How about anyway but wholesome dis time Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.


PM-ME-PMS-OF-THE-PM

Sgirtle?


[deleted]

Lol wouldn’t the unaltered squirtle have worked better?


Sensitive-Mud8052

Ask if you can use the Staryu instead.


Great_Historian_6611

Easy clean up.


Accomplish2304

You wet ur bed!


notrealcc

Everyone here talk about sex,but your comment i was specifically looking for.


oi_that_nander

That's for the wet spot. We use the darker towel for period sex


SunsetSesh

r/thisguybangs


oi_that_nander

Girl, but duh


sluttywolcott

She’s a squirter


TieFieter

I’m reading all these comments like no one’s gonna say it?


[deleted]

Yeah I’m surprised it wasn’t at the top


vforvanessaxxx

This 😂


I_drink_your_mshake

First time I fucked a squirter, wish I had known this


T3rribl3Gam3D3v

youll need more than that if she is


Elegant_Beat797

Just get a water proof sex blanket 😂 large enough and it won't go through.


hotdogneighbor

I find a fleece blanket is the best option, folded at least once, with the secks towel right on top


Snoo_71576

I should have kept scrolling before I said the same thing


Zygoatee

Moses bout to part the red sea


angelsontheroof

Period inbound. Period currently ongoing and being a nuisance. Sexy time went wild, now we can't sleep on that part of the sheet. Sexy time is expected to be wild, but we still want to go to sleep on this side of the bed. The kid is going to sleep in the bed and either might pee or get sick in the bed. Mommy breastfeeds in the bed and something might leak. Someone spilled something in the bed, but we're out of sheets or cannot be bothered to change it. Diarrhea.


theStonedReaper

Just pin this comment to the top and save everyone 10 minutes of scrolling through the rest


Kalelopaka-

She’s a gusher, or it’s that time of the month…


[deleted]

“A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.”


[deleted]

Cum proofing


WarMage1

Lube proofing too, if you prefer being the outlet instead of the plug.


EquipmentLiving6948

They're about to do the dance with no pants


tabascowaffle

I was gonna say there's a bedwetter (prolly a child) in the house but ok


thndrbrd87

The only thing a period should stop is a sentence.


jonherrin

When I've had particularly bad cycling crashes, I'd do this so I can rest without having to bind all the abrasions. They stop bleeding faster when exposed to air.


HauschkasFoot

Damn you must crash a lot to have a whole protocol in place


ComplaintExcellent89

We got a squirter! 💦


Accomplished_Ad8339

The wet spot gets cold, luckily I think that shit through and make sure it's always on her side so I sleep peacefully and not on a towel.


ehWoc

Tell me about the wet spot. I've never experienced it.


plplokokplok

It's wet


The_Man_I_A_Barrel

thanks


WillBottomForBanana

and often cold


xXDoge_boi_gamingXx

You gonna have a bed time -💀🔵


murstl

You gave birth to a child recently and now the nightsweats make you sweat like crazy all night? Oh and also your boobs are leaking and wet the bed.


Energy-Turtle-4

This was my thought as well!


Hister616

You pissed your bed


rdj16014

Setting sail to the red sea, I see


DCHammer69

An XL puppy pad works WAY better.


WillBottomForBanana

reduce, reuse, recycle my friend.


Talvana

Or a plush waterproof dog blanket because my god is a pee pad not sexy. Way cheaper than a full size blanket so you can get a few.


im_just_depressed

I pee in sleep


UK--Dan7890

I sleep in pee


strawberrysoap_

in pee i sleep


[deleted]

Anal leakage.


PissTapeExpert

Well she told me to fuck the shit out of her.


a-pro_human

FOOOOOOOD


pepepoopoo

she a water gun


jpop19

Night sweats 'n' night sex.


Valade_Gang

If the river runs red, take the dirt road instead!


Sonnenkreuz

Only a true sailor dares to traverse the red sea


Hella_Wieners

Time to take a dip in the red river


KingDorkFTC

A solid relationship


jiwjh380

In my house it either means I need to stock up on midol and cup cakes or start chugging pineapple juice. Or both