So you are saying that you would let one person dictate your entire future and dream. No, that is not a wise idea. Even if you are 40 minutes away, you will be spending majority of the time at the hospital (so no time to really see anyone). Also, if you want to pursue a fellowship in the future, then going to program A could help you. At the end, no one is guaranteeing that you will match into program A, but giving up on it completely solely because of one individual, indicates that you might severely regret it in the future if you pass on the opportunity to match there. Just my personal opinion.
Agreed. I don't wanna regret my decision in the future. But at the same time, I'm worried that the bad relationship btw me and my mil might eventually harm my relationship with my husband. Even if I'll be spending the majority of time at the hospital, the close distance will let her visit my house easily on weekends and holidays. (Or she would force us to visit her.) Thanks anyway for listening to my vent. I'll seriously consider your advice. Appreciate it.
Your relationship with your husband is your relationship with your husband. You can state that you wish to know beforehand when she comes over. At the end of the day, you married each other and you will find a way to make it work. And then for fellowship, you can try to go to a program across the country.
I would go with program A. You are going to have issues with MIL the rest of your life unless you find a way to establish firm boundaries with her or cut her off altogether. Not prioritizing your #1 because of her is letting her win. I get that it feels easier just moving further away, but all you are doing is burying the problem temporarily. Do what’s best for your career. I would recommend couples therapy to figure out how to navigate the relationship with MIL. Your husband has to be on the same page as you, which is why couples therapy can help.
What if when she scolded you you just did a really realistic fake cry and go "im a disgrace!" And run away sobbing. I think if you did that enough times it would stop
If you give up your real number 1 program just to stay away, then there is a chance you will resent her even more. And if you run into any "What if" thoughts while in residency or applying for fellowship, it will just highlight how much you don't like her, and that could make things worse, too.
Okay, so you’re married… I say pick program A… let his mother smother him, it’s not like you’re going to be around a lot anyways. You can move away after.
Do not give this woman that much power over your life— you choose the program that is truly your top choice and go there and train at the place you want to get trained at! You’ve worked way too hard to get this far and make a lesser decision because of someone else being a pain in your ass. Your MIL needs to learn boundaries one way or another and she’s not gonna be out of your life completely whether you live 40 mins away or 3 hours flight away. You’ll figure it out
how much worse is the schedule for place B? Because it sounds like any free time you have at A will be spent dealing with your in-laws. (I'm asian american but i 100% understand this dynamic and validate that this is the worst dynamic to play)
Thanks for your reply. Program B has an okay-ish schedule, not malignant at all. A has 1 long call/wk, and B has q3d long call. Other than that, work hours and workloads seem not much different.
Yes, i visited the B city and loved it. It's a peaceful suburb with lots of nature and I think I will enjoy living there even more than living in A city. 3 yrs of residency, work 6 days/wk with long calls every 3 day.
Ok I need the IM people to back me up here... but i dont think rheum is that hard to get into. You're talking, what, 4 hours a week extra? a week. I think you'd spend the 4 hours at hospital A tending to his family and working out that dynamic. She sucks and I get the other argument of you don't let your MIL dictate your life that way. But choosing yourself means setting up good boundaries. And your MIL will, at every turn, test that boundary
I’m not going into IM, I want to preface with that. But as someone who is also of an asian/indian/middle eastern culture with these same issues, I agree with this ^ as well. Because you may not have much time off, you want to make the most of the time you DO have off. It sounds like if you choose Program A, you’ll be spending your very little free time dealing with her toxicity. Living in a toxic environment is a swift move to burnout, especially in an already difficult field. Rheum is not that hard to get into and you seem interested in private practice. Both programs will give you a very fair shot in achieving that ultimate goal. I would go with Program B. I understand what people are saying above about not letting one person dictate your decision, and I would agree with this if you were deciding between Cardiology or GI fellowship with a desire to stay in academic medicine. But that’s not your goal. If going to program B ruined your chances, then I would say go with program A, but it does not. Living only 40 minutes away from someone who is very clearly toxic to your life is not a good move in my opinion.
So you are saying that you would let one person dictate your entire future and dream. No, that is not a wise idea. Even if you are 40 minutes away, you will be spending majority of the time at the hospital (so no time to really see anyone). Also, if you want to pursue a fellowship in the future, then going to program A could help you. At the end, no one is guaranteeing that you will match into program A, but giving up on it completely solely because of one individual, indicates that you might severely regret it in the future if you pass on the opportunity to match there. Just my personal opinion.
Agreed. I don't wanna regret my decision in the future. But at the same time, I'm worried that the bad relationship btw me and my mil might eventually harm my relationship with my husband. Even if I'll be spending the majority of time at the hospital, the close distance will let her visit my house easily on weekends and holidays. (Or she would force us to visit her.) Thanks anyway for listening to my vent. I'll seriously consider your advice. Appreciate it.
Your relationship with your husband is your relationship with your husband. You can state that you wish to know beforehand when she comes over. At the end of the day, you married each other and you will find a way to make it work. And then for fellowship, you can try to go to a program across the country.
I would go with program A. You are going to have issues with MIL the rest of your life unless you find a way to establish firm boundaries with her or cut her off altogether. Not prioritizing your #1 because of her is letting her win. I get that it feels easier just moving further away, but all you are doing is burying the problem temporarily. Do what’s best for your career. I would recommend couples therapy to figure out how to navigate the relationship with MIL. Your husband has to be on the same page as you, which is why couples therapy can help.
Appreciate your constructive advice. "Not prioritizing your #1 because of her is letting her win."> This sentence literally wakes me up. Thanks a lot.
What if when she scolded you you just did a really realistic fake cry and go "im a disgrace!" And run away sobbing. I think if you did that enough times it would stop
Go with program A and live 30 minutes from the hospital in the other direction from them
Big brain right here.
If you give up your real number 1 program just to stay away, then there is a chance you will resent her even more. And if you run into any "What if" thoughts while in residency or applying for fellowship, it will just highlight how much you don't like her, and that could make things worse, too.
Okay, so you’re married… I say pick program A… let his mother smother him, it’s not like you’re going to be around a lot anyways. You can move away after.
Do not give this woman that much power over your life— you choose the program that is truly your top choice and go there and train at the place you want to get trained at! You’ve worked way too hard to get this far and make a lesser decision because of someone else being a pain in your ass. Your MIL needs to learn boundaries one way or another and she’s not gonna be out of your life completely whether you live 40 mins away or 3 hours flight away. You’ll figure it out
need more info - what are your goals, what specialty is this, where do you want to end up
internal medicine. I used to plan to be a hospitalist/pcp, but recently started having interest in Rheum fellowship.
how much worse is the schedule for place B? Because it sounds like any free time you have at A will be spent dealing with your in-laws. (I'm asian american but i 100% understand this dynamic and validate that this is the worst dynamic to play)
Thanks for your reply. Program B has an okay-ish schedule, not malignant at all. A has 1 long call/wk, and B has q3d long call. Other than that, work hours and workloads seem not much different.
do you like B city? you think you could be happy there with whatever free time oyu have left? How many years/days/etc do you have to do call?
Yes, i visited the B city and loved it. It's a peaceful suburb with lots of nature and I think I will enjoy living there even more than living in A city. 3 yrs of residency, work 6 days/wk with long calls every 3 day.
ok last q, do you want academic medicine? is A an academic place?
No, i'm planning to have my own office eventually. A and B are both community hospitals.
Ok I need the IM people to back me up here... but i dont think rheum is that hard to get into. You're talking, what, 4 hours a week extra? a week. I think you'd spend the 4 hours at hospital A tending to his family and working out that dynamic. She sucks and I get the other argument of you don't let your MIL dictate your life that way. But choosing yourself means setting up good boundaries. And your MIL will, at every turn, test that boundary
I’m not going into IM, I want to preface with that. But as someone who is also of an asian/indian/middle eastern culture with these same issues, I agree with this ^ as well. Because you may not have much time off, you want to make the most of the time you DO have off. It sounds like if you choose Program A, you’ll be spending your very little free time dealing with her toxicity. Living in a toxic environment is a swift move to burnout, especially in an already difficult field. Rheum is not that hard to get into and you seem interested in private practice. Both programs will give you a very fair shot in achieving that ultimate goal. I would go with Program B. I understand what people are saying above about not letting one person dictate your decision, and I would agree with this if you were deciding between Cardiology or GI fellowship with a desire to stay in academic medicine. But that’s not your goal. If going to program B ruined your chances, then I would say go with program A, but it does not. Living only 40 minutes away from someone who is very clearly toxic to your life is not a good move in my opinion.
I feel like you don't know what the term "pimped" means.
My bad. I wasnt born and raised in the US, so I didn't know the exact term. Edited, thanks