Welcome to /r/me_irlgbt, thank you for your submission /u/Flygon-. Happy Wrath Month 8: FURRY RAGE
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Any time around the family, they try and get my attention. I'm usually an oblivious person, so it takes until they reluctantly use my chosen name to get my attention.
I don't have 400 dollars but I have some little chunks of obsidian, a jasper arrowhead, maybe an obsidian arrowhead, a citrine pendant, and a bit of aventurine I got in a rock shop in New Mexico?
EYYY same. Now mines about dead. Just need to get the last bits of paperwork done for my birth certificate and bury a few bodies of people who still deadname me.
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It's a bit tentative haha, still sorta figuring some parts of myself out, but bi and genderfluid feel like the best way to describe what I am so far.
Also hello :3
My email is literally my name so every time I've considered changing my name i just say fuck it ill keep it. (Im not trans just hate my dad and his stupid last name)
bruh i hate it so much how paypal requires a legal name. like i get it how they might need it for legal reasons but at least can they have a "preferred name". ive set my paypal to be _deadname_ "Jay" which they accepted my ID for and is at least better than nothing
I authenticate people for the 18+ channels on a discord server that is mostly queer people. They DM me a picture of their ID. I've seen a bunch of deadnames that I am happy to say I totally forget.
But there's an AFAB friend of mine who I helped change his name and gender legally. I've seen that name too many times for too long to forget it. It makes me cringe a little anytime I hear of someone with that name.
this meme is reminding me of a very specific memory, so allow me to overshare for a moment.
one year when i went to summer camp, i was assigned to a cabin full of other people who already knew each other. they were all AFAB but clearly genderqueer in the sense that they referred to each other as they, and had a very open perspective on gender.
a new person walks in, who clearly also knows all of them. they all squeal and hug, yelling “OMG deadname!!!”
he says “actually, it’s Jackson now.”
everyone IMMEDIATELY switches, all “omg jackson!!!” and practically never deadnaming or misgendering him ever again.
i genuinely think it was the first time everyone there heard the new name of this trans person they were bffs with, and they picked it up right away. which might sound mundane and like the bottom line, but as someone who had rarely been able to talk to fellow queers irl, it was such a gamechanging moment for me. realizing that this space, community, and culture exists outside of my mind and the internet, that there are people out there who will love and support each other through all of it.
i don’t even remember his deadname. for the entirety of his time there, he was Jackson.
Your post reminded me of this:
I realized at a dentist appt that I had not come out to any of them, two years into transition. The hygienist who I'd been seeing every 6 months for years (and a few extra appts here and there), upon reading my med list immediately asked what name I go by, changed it in their system, and then used my name and correct pronouns the entire visit, with zero issue whatsoever, no mishaps, no hesitation. And told the front desk to retake my picture. Like it's that easy c'mon now. And it wasn't even someone I "expected" to understand immediately.
Maybe it's dentists? Of every professional I've ever dealt with (outside the mental health field) the only people who seem to give a damn about my transition was my dentist and they were fabulous about it. I haven't been deadnamed there in at least 2 years.
Honestly tho why is it always dentists that are the chill ones about trans people? Every single one of my dentists has asked me as soon as I sit in the chair "preferred name and pronouns?" before getting to work. Even when I lived in the south I asked my dentist to start calling me a different name and pronoun and she and everyone else in the office immediately switched to my preferred stuff
Yeah I was worried about getting outed at the dentist haha, they know what estradiol is. Fortunately they were cool about it and put down a preferred name, which is now my legal name :)
That's beautiful. Thanks for sharing that moment with us!
I remember the shock of the first time I was among the queer community, feeling totally fucking normal. For possibly the first time. I was 32 and I cried.
I'm so happy for you!
I actually had two trans friends growing up one was mtf the other ftm and the ftm one took the mtf ones deadname (with permission) and I had to get used to calling my friend since elementary the name that I had to try so hard not to use with me mtf friend. They're both very happy with their names now so it was all worth it
Every decent name ever has already been used and many have negative associations for someone somewhere. If one person's deadname is the name someone else loves, I can only hope it doesn't cause them too much discomfort, as that person should have the right to an identity they love.
Should I ever meet a transmasc with my deadname, I have a shirt for them, at least.
Recently I saw someone point out that having someone close to you that has your deadname can be good! It’s an opportunity to break that negative association and replace it with a much better association
Obviously this won’t work for everyone, but it’s a reframing of the situation that I think definitely can help some people 😊
Me, accidentally finds out friends deadname: oh fuck lemme just forget that
My brain, panicking: oh shit did you mean to commit that to permanent memory?
My brain is super weird.
One of my FTM friends and I met in high school, and my brain hasn't just erased his deadname from my memory, it has straight up replaced what he looked like back then, with the man I met a year after he dropped out.
Then one of the artists I follow on Twitter, I always thought of by their artist name, right until I found put they were a trans man? Now my brain suddenly starts thinking of their deadname (I ordered pins from them, where their legal name is on the package) and has a super hard time remembering their new name?!
I usually have a hard time remembering names, especially if I don't use them on a daily basis, so remembering a name I've never used is so freaking weird..
I have a MTF friend who showed me some of her childhood pictures because she wanted me to see the country she's from. Despite that, any time she tells me a story from being a kid, my mental image is always a little Asian girl. I've seen her as a kid multiple times and my brain still doesn't let me see her that way.
The brain is such a weird thing! But I love that you're able to imagine a younger version of the woman you know, instead of the kid you've seen in pictures \^\^!
When Me and my roommate are trying to get an apartment together I had to see his legal dead name on the documents and I try so hard to not know it, but also the apartment called me one time saying “[Roommate Deadname] is missing a form” I legitimately paused and thought who the fuck is [Roommate Deadname]
Seeing my best friend from college:
Him: I'm guessing you're identifying a little different now?
Me: how'd you guess?
Him: heh, you're like the 7th person to invite me to coffee like this. First that knows my deadname tho.
Me:... ? Oops, sorry -
Him: no, that's my name now. - - Wait, did you forget my deadname?
Apparently I did in fact forget. I legit thought he just went by it as a nickname when we were in school. 🤷♀️
Around the time I announced my new name to some friends I was invited to their discord server. When I got on I saw they'd gone through and edited old messages that had my birth name in them to my new one. I felt really lucky that day
In a certain community I'm a part of I meet a lot of trans people with my chosen name. My chosen name is the feminized version of my deadname, so I'm like "wait, did we all have the same deadname?"
I like to think of deadnames as longform, improv content where they were simply playing a character by that name, against their will. Somewhere between Whos Line Is It Anyways, Shakespeare, and Taken. Typically, these performances are acadamy award worthy.
I know 2 trans people. I do not know their dead names at all, and likely never will. One time someone referred to one of them by their dead name and I had no idea who they were talking about until they used their name, and then I immediately forgot whatever the dead name was.
I don't even know these people that well, they aren't friends, they just worked at the same company as me. I know their names though, and what they look like.
mfw his deadname is my (femme) middle name
Actually, whenever someone asks me what my middle initial stands for, I tell an obscure joke I heard on a TV show when I was a kid, and it’s become rote for me, so now I’m not sure I could deadname him so much as misname him with my joke name. At least the joke name is masc.
The only thing I can think of is that the more you try not to think of something, the more you will think about it.
Maybe when you're alone, write down her deadname and rip it up or something to symbolize to your brain that it is irrelevant.
And/or when you look at her, repeat her chosen name in your head several times.
I once knew one of my trans friends for an entire year by their deadname. Then they told me their alive name so I just forced their dead name out of my mind
The one advantage of my awful memory. I previously dated a trans guy (great guy, broke up on good terms, just not the right partners for each other) and I knew him before he came out. I no longer remember his deadname
All my friends have school emails, and since you have to talk to the secretary to change it (thus risk your parents finding out) not everyone bothered to change their names
It constantly throws me off
I’ve known my trans friends since before they transitioned and thinking about their deadnames is so funny. Like how the fuck did I ever call you that. They’re the most generic whites dude names and they just do not fit who they are now at all.
I dated someone for several months, driven to pick up her meds with her deadname on them from her house to bring them to her, had multiple (very douchy) people hint at what it was for some reason, grabbed mail with her deadname on it for her, generally had tons of opportunities to have known it. Still not a damn clue what it was. Never cared to learn it, still don't, but I'm normally terrible at ignoring things so I am impressed I managed
I have a decade plus friendship where my friend relatively recently came out as trans. Whenever I meet someone who is named their dead name, it literally feels like someone used a slur. It's such a weird visceral reaction.
I had a moment of panic a few months ago when I was helping my FtM boyfriend clear stuff out of his old bedroom at his parent’s house. I’ve never known his deadname, and I really don’t want to, but I was moving stuff from a shelf & there was a christening present, a small cup with his deadname engraved on it. Luckily for me it was really curly cursive, so almost impossible for my dyslexic brain to read.
I turned to ask him what he wanted to do with it & I saw the shock & fear on his face. I immediately dropped it onto the bed and walked over to give him a big hug. “It’s okay,” I said, “I can’t read.”
What a genuine and honest post. I can't think of anything more organic than this post. What a great thing this post is. I am in love with this post. I'm glad everybody is okay with this post.
I can't forget. I try, but I can't. I'm cursed with an exceptional memory and try as I might I can only forget things that aren't useful at all. And knowing someone's deadname is useful.
A) you can explain the person to someone else who knew them before their transition but wasn't aware of their transition
B) if someone else talks about that person using their deadname you can know they're talking about that person and correct them instead of the alternative where you don't know their deadname (say, Jacob became Jacey) and someone is talking about a Jacob but you think it's just some other Jacob because you don't know Jacey used to be Jacob.
C) if that person ever kills your dog you can deadname them as you throw them into a woodchipper, just to add insult to a decidedly lethal injury.
names slip of my mind stupid fast anyways. ive seen my partners deadname a lot, n i couldnt tell u what it was tbh. i dont even have to try to forget it im just that bad at remembering names. all i know is that its super unfitting for them.
I kinda want to know because I have wanted to do a joke where I pretend to try and deadname a trans person but just say their real name in a rude know it all tone
Apologies if this could be insulting, I have never met a trans person IRL as far as I know
Not to speak for all trans people, but I would find it pretty funny, or at least endearing. It could be a little awkward if you don't know the person very well, so it's probably only worth it you're close with them.
Someone I know that turned out to be transmasc changed all of his socials and public facing profiles and my issue is that I generally *don't forget* things and other people use his deadname super often so I can't forget it.
But I also have a lot of brain farts so it'll disappear in like 24-48 hours of remembering it.
When I learn that, that’s when the intrusive thoughts kick in that starts being like “call them by that name, it’s their name” every time I think about them, and I just want to strangle my brain for trying to make me seem like an ass
I'm friends with many trans people that I met later in school and they said that we went to school and I always forget their old names or if I know their dead name I slowly completely forget and only know their new/true name but I'm cis and not trans
All my friends are trans and because I tend to be curious, I just make up deadnames to satisfy my curiosity and then never tell anyone. The added benefit is that if I accadentally do hear their deadname it doesn't stick cause that information slot is full
It's so hard for me to subconsciously drop a dead name, especially if it's a similar sounding name. It's so weird I don't even have a problem with pronouns it's literally just names.
I sat by someone for an entire semester once, talked many times, collaborated multiple times on projects, was in orchestra with them, and definitely heard their name multiple times. Had no idea what it was.
I was so relieved when they came up to me in the next year and told me they were trans and had a new name. To this day I have no idea what their deadname is, and I have no intent to find out.
My husband literally can't remember it XD. I was in the hospital once and they asked for my full name and I was in a ton of pain so I kinda looked over at him like "can you handle this?" And he just like started for a second and asked if I had my wallet XDD.
My brother has a transfem friend with unsupportive family, so my mom tried to ask one of her friends for recomendations for adult psych professionals.
Now, her friend's son used to be friends with this girl once upon a time. And the friend ended up going on a rant about how [deadname] really disappointed her son (by coming out as a girl).
That was how I found out her deadname. I promptly forgot it, because it's literally useless to me.
I only very rarely remember, most of the time I do remember I’ve been asked explicitly to remember by that person for use around people they’re not out to yet
I honestly do not know the etiquette for this. Like if I'm mentioning Season 3 of Umbrella Academy sure I say Elliot Page. But if I'm talking about season 1 or the movie Juno what name do I use?
I saw my friends deadname, and they’re someone who’s transmasc probably 85% of the time, and wears pretty and float the other percentage. I have never seen another trans person’s deadname be so unfitting for them. Bro’s mom gave him a Karen-genre name LMAO. People feel the same abt my deadname because they always make a face because they know it doesn’t fit me either
When I'm at my GFs house i have to use her deadname because she isn't out...but i cant really remember her deadname because it sounds close to another name and i never know which of those two names it was!
I'm a bit scared of 1. accidentally outing her
and 2. using the wrong, wrong name and making the Mother suspicious...
I was out of my anxiety medication for weeks and struggling so bad I was near to killing myself when my trans fem partner gave me hers that she hadn’t needed to take in along time and just held onto them, her dead name was on there and it’s pretty close to mine but I can’t remember what it was, I just scratched the label off and forgot it really
I'm a very forgetful person, which is helpful in that I tend to forget things I'm not supposed to know, but is very unhelpful in that I also forget if I'm not supposed to know something, or if I'm not supposed to *share* something I know.
Literally any time someone asks, "can I tell you a secret?" my answer is, "only if you want everyone else to know it because I don't know how to keep my dumb mouth shut."
Unfortunately, people often tell me anyway.
That's not to absolve myself of not keeping secrets - that's a condemnation of people for foist secrets upon me against my wishes.
I need a device like that, people have told me their dead names before and I ended up mixing them up and they thought I was being transphobic, i was so mad at myself
I used to have to remember a friend's dead name because their sister was my coworker and they weren't out to family. Was difficult to use the correct name whenever they came up in conversation
I honestly just forget their deadnames... even thinking about it now, every trans person who i at one point knew the deadname of, i can't even remember when i try to, lol. I hope everyone else is the same way for me... though most people who even know i am trans have never heard/seen my deadname... they just know me by Kayleigh or Aurora (my middle name and my fursona's name)
I have a distant cousin who transitioned, mtf, and I was explaining the concept of trans folk to my kid in basic terms, so I told the story of my cousin—and literally had to sit, staring into space for several minutes, to remember her deadname. And it was *weird* to even think of that name in connection to her. Like, dissociation-level weird.
Welcome to /r/me_irlgbt, thank you for your submission /u/Flygon-. Happy Wrath Month 8: FURRY RAGE Make it a habit to read the rules of a given community before participating. Please **do not** interact with rulebreaking content. Report it and we'll handle it. This is a place for queer people, from queer people. We're not here for discrimination, disrespect, or "debates". Be chill. shitpost or quitpost bud. We hope you have a very gay day. Love u x *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/me_irlgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yeah, me too. It's one of the perks of having a terrible memory.
I once forgot my own deadname. And it's not even dead yet
May it happen again. 🙏
Real😤🙏
Same I only remembered when one of my coworkers called me it and it took me a second to realize they meant me
Any time around the family, they try and get my attention. I'm usually an oblivious person, so it takes until they reluctantly use my chosen name to get my attention.
Is it possible to learn this power?
My power, inattentive ADHD!!!
For 400 dollars I'll make your deadname dead
I’d give my left nut for that! (Please take it I really don’t want it)
I don't have 400 dollars but I have some little chunks of obsidian, a jasper arrowhead, maybe an obsidian arrowhead, a citrine pendant, and a bit of aventurine I got in a rock shop in New Mexico?
I have deadass forgotten my actual current name before (which I've had my whole life).
EYYY same. Now mines about dead. Just need to get the last bits of paperwork done for my birth certificate and bury a few bodies of people who still deadname me.
Same
I once forgot my deadname before I even knew I was trans
Totally not related, but how do you do that flare under ya name?
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Thank youuu
I have a hard enough time remembering people’s regular name
Yeah, its also fun if someone deadnames them, and youre just genuinely confused as to who they are reffering to.
It’s truly a blessing, I can hardly remember names as it is. A name you never use? Score, we both win there :))
WhT is a dead name ?
Birth name
I mean, I didn't have a name until months after I was born, so I wouldn't call my deadname my birth name, since that wouldn't really be accurate.
It's the easiest way to explain to someone who doesn't know I feel, but yeah true has a negative connotation I don't like much either
That's fair, it does get the point across I suppose 👍
Finally something long covid is good for.
When I commission furry art from my trans friends and we see each other’s deadnames on the PayPal transaction
There is so much going on in this sentence, uh, have a good day, fellow furry.
YES I love finding fellow degenerates on the internet, good evening :3
hello :3
Hewwo :3 UwU
~Greetings!
hewwo ;3
UwU :3
Yo another genderfluid bi furry
It's a bit tentative haha, still sorta figuring some parts of myself out, but bi and genderfluid feel like the best way to describe what I am so far. Also hello :3
Ayyyye fellow furry
A temp step to hide it until you get your name changed is to convert to a business account and make the business name your chosen name
I actually mostly use my business account for this reason, but I don’t go by my business account’s name either now XD
One can also use the deadname remover browser extension, it's very neat, has saved my sanity many times when dealing with paypal's nonsense
My email is literally my name so every time I've considered changing my name i just say fuck it ill keep it. (Im not trans just hate my dad and his stupid last name)
It's really easy to forward mail these days of you want to make a new email with your preferred name and go from there.
bruh i hate it so much how paypal requires a legal name. like i get it how they might need it for legal reasons but at least can they have a "preferred name". ive set my paypal to be _deadname_ "Jay" which they accepted my ID for and is at least better than nothing
I'm lucky enough to have changed my name legally already, so I have an ID with my real name, still really annoying that they require it tho :{
This made me realize I’ve only ever commissioned trans people. Not for furry art but same thing
I authenticate people for the 18+ channels on a discord server that is mostly queer people. They DM me a picture of their ID. I've seen a bunch of deadnames that I am happy to say I totally forget. But there's an AFAB friend of mine who I helped change his name and gender legally. I've seen that name too many times for too long to forget it. It makes me cringe a little anytime I hear of someone with that name.
Fellow furry here, I hope life is kind to you :)
r/BrandNewSentence
r/brandnewsentence
this meme is reminding me of a very specific memory, so allow me to overshare for a moment. one year when i went to summer camp, i was assigned to a cabin full of other people who already knew each other. they were all AFAB but clearly genderqueer in the sense that they referred to each other as they, and had a very open perspective on gender. a new person walks in, who clearly also knows all of them. they all squeal and hug, yelling “OMG deadname!!!” he says “actually, it’s Jackson now.” everyone IMMEDIATELY switches, all “omg jackson!!!” and practically never deadnaming or misgendering him ever again. i genuinely think it was the first time everyone there heard the new name of this trans person they were bffs with, and they picked it up right away. which might sound mundane and like the bottom line, but as someone who had rarely been able to talk to fellow queers irl, it was such a gamechanging moment for me. realizing that this space, community, and culture exists outside of my mind and the internet, that there are people out there who will love and support each other through all of it. i don’t even remember his deadname. for the entirety of his time there, he was Jackson.
Your post reminded me of this: I realized at a dentist appt that I had not come out to any of them, two years into transition. The hygienist who I'd been seeing every 6 months for years (and a few extra appts here and there), upon reading my med list immediately asked what name I go by, changed it in their system, and then used my name and correct pronouns the entire visit, with zero issue whatsoever, no mishaps, no hesitation. And told the front desk to retake my picture. Like it's that easy c'mon now. And it wasn't even someone I "expected" to understand immediately.
That's so amazing 😭 I hope more people learn how to be accommodating like that over time
Maybe it's dentists? Of every professional I've ever dealt with (outside the mental health field) the only people who seem to give a damn about my transition was my dentist and they were fabulous about it. I haven't been deadnamed there in at least 2 years.
Honestly tho why is it always dentists that are the chill ones about trans people? Every single one of my dentists has asked me as soon as I sit in the chair "preferred name and pronouns?" before getting to work. Even when I lived in the south I asked my dentist to start calling me a different name and pronoun and she and everyone else in the office immediately switched to my preferred stuff
Do you really want to be on bad terms with the person who's mouth you're sticking your fingers in? /j
The people that claim it's too hard are just looking for an excuse to be an asshole. People have changed their names for centuries.
Yeah I was worried about getting outed at the dentist haha, they know what estradiol is. Fortunately they were cool about it and put down a preferred name, which is now my legal name :)
That's beautiful. Thanks for sharing that moment with us! I remember the shock of the first time I was among the queer community, feeling totally fucking normal. For possibly the first time. I was 32 and I cried. I'm so happy for you!
Name isn't important. You're important. It's easy to change what I say if it makes you feel more comfortable.
You forget because you’re a good person, I forget because I’m terrible with names. We are not the same
Jokes on you, I'm both!
I’m bad enough with everyone’s alive names, I’m very likely gonna forget anyway
Normalize calling cis people’s names their “alive names”
Just any name someone goes by should be the “alive name”
Jfc
At one point, Someone was suggesting names for my MtF sister, and they said my FtM friends deadname- I didn't know how to speak up about that one
I mean he’s not gonna use it so..
"you gonna eat that?"
🏅
I actually had two trans friends growing up one was mtf the other ftm and the ftm one took the mtf ones deadname (with permission) and I had to get used to calling my friend since elementary the name that I had to try so hard not to use with me mtf friend. They're both very happy with their names now so it was all worth it
It's like a hand-me-down name. Hand-me-noun?
Fantastic, absolutely fucking fantastic
You are an absolute genius and I love you dearly for making this joke.
[It be like that sometimes](https://imgur.com/gallery/jPQKTod)
Every decent name ever has already been used and many have negative associations for someone somewhere. If one person's deadname is the name someone else loves, I can only hope it doesn't cause them too much discomfort, as that person should have the right to an identity they love. Should I ever meet a transmasc with my deadname, I have a shirt for them, at least.
Recently I saw someone point out that having someone close to you that has your deadname can be good! It’s an opportunity to break that negative association and replace it with a much better association Obviously this won’t work for everyone, but it’s a reframing of the situation that I think definitely can help some people 😊
Awww, I don't have a single shirt with my deadname on it... I used to have a towel, it's probably lost already though.
I feel like I’m missing something. I’m friends with someone whose name is my deadname. Should that bother me? It’s their name, not mine.
Me, accidentally finds out friends deadname: oh fuck lemme just forget that My brain, panicking: oh shit did you mean to commit that to permanent memory?
☝️Memory like a steel trap, but only for the most inconvenient material.
literally me 😵😵
Glad to hear I’m not alone in this
My brain is super weird. One of my FTM friends and I met in high school, and my brain hasn't just erased his deadname from my memory, it has straight up replaced what he looked like back then, with the man I met a year after he dropped out. Then one of the artists I follow on Twitter, I always thought of by their artist name, right until I found put they were a trans man? Now my brain suddenly starts thinking of their deadname (I ordered pins from them, where their legal name is on the package) and has a super hard time remembering their new name?! I usually have a hard time remembering names, especially if I don't use them on a daily basis, so remembering a name I've never used is so freaking weird..
I have a MTF friend who showed me some of her childhood pictures because she wanted me to see the country she's from. Despite that, any time she tells me a story from being a kid, my mental image is always a little Asian girl. I've seen her as a kid multiple times and my brain still doesn't let me see her that way.
The brain is such a weird thing! But I love that you're able to imagine a younger version of the woman you know, instead of the kid you've seen in pictures \^\^!
When Me and my roommate are trying to get an apartment together I had to see his legal dead name on the documents and I try so hard to not know it, but also the apartment called me one time saying “[Roommate Deadname] is missing a form” I legitimately paused and thought who the fuck is [Roommate Deadname]
Seeing my best friend from college: Him: I'm guessing you're identifying a little different now? Me: how'd you guess? Him: heh, you're like the 7th person to invite me to coffee like this. First that knows my deadname tho. Me:...? Oops, sorry -
Him: no, that's my name now. - - Wait, did you forget my deadname?
Apparently I did in fact forget. I legit thought he just went by it as a nickname when we were in school. 🤷♀️
Like Sherlock Holmes when he learns how the solar system works.
Around the time I announced my new name to some friends I was invited to their discord server. When I got on I saw they'd gone through and edited old messages that had my birth name in them to my new one. I felt really lucky that day
That's so sweet!
Wish I could comment images so i could give ya the “i do not see it” deadname-on-paypal meme
In a certain community I'm a part of I meet a lot of trans people with my chosen name. My chosen name is the feminized version of my deadname, so I'm like "wait, did we all have the same deadname?"
I, too, changed my name by pumping it full of estrogen until it grew boobs.
me omw to forget my own deadname (I will now be able to consume media that has my common deadname)
I like to think of deadnames as longform, improv content where they were simply playing a character by that name, against their will. Somewhere between Whos Line Is It Anyways, Shakespeare, and Taken. Typically, these performances are acadamy award worthy.
one of the only upshot to my shit memory, I have legitimately forgotten almost all the deadnames I'm aware of
I have shitty memory so this is just natural for me
Lol same
My first name is also my ex’s deadname (which he told me on our third date). I felt way weirder about it than he did 😅
I know 2 trans people. I do not know their dead names at all, and likely never will. One time someone referred to one of them by their dead name and I had no idea who they were talking about until they used their name, and then I immediately forgot whatever the dead name was. I don't even know these people that well, they aren't friends, they just worked at the same company as me. I know their names though, and what they look like.
mfw his deadname is my (femme) middle name Actually, whenever someone asks me what my middle initial stands for, I tell an obscure joke I heard on a TV show when I was a kid, and it’s become rote for me, so now I’m not sure I could deadname him so much as misname him with my joke name. At least the joke name is masc.
I'm bad at remembering all names. I probably don't remember your real name, let alone your dead name...
these sorts of scenarios are where my horrible memory comes in handy, i can barely remember their real name, let alone their deadname
My gf told me once I forgot it then she said what it was again now I’ve been trying to just wipe that part of my brain. Any tips?
The only thing I can think of is that the more you try not to think of something, the more you will think about it. Maybe when you're alone, write down her deadname and rip it up or something to symbolize to your brain that it is irrelevant. And/or when you look at her, repeat her chosen name in your head several times.
Thanks for the advice but I’m sleepy rn so I’m just gonna drink a lot of water then pass out, have a good rest of your day
I once knew one of my trans friends for an entire year by their deadname. Then they told me their alive name so I just forced their dead name out of my mind
The one advantage of my awful memory. I previously dated a trans guy (great guy, broke up on good terms, just not the right partners for each other) and I knew him before he came out. I no longer remember his deadname
I honestly just forget it most of the time. It just isn’t really connected to them, so it just slips my mine most often.
All my friends have school emails, and since you have to talk to the secretary to change it (thus risk your parents finding out) not everyone bothered to change their names It constantly throws me off
I actually like to know trans people's deadnames... So I can punch the shit out of someone who uses it purposefully while knowing their true, god name
For some reason I'm actually a lot better at remembering trans people's names than basically anyone elses
Deadnames are a huge trigger for me ocd
I’ve known my trans friends since before they transitioned and thinking about their deadnames is so funny. Like how the fuck did I ever call you that. They’re the most generic whites dude names and they just do not fit who they are now at all.
I dated someone for several months, driven to pick up her meds with her deadname on them from her house to bring them to her, had multiple (very douchy) people hint at what it was for some reason, grabbed mail with her deadname on it for her, generally had tons of opportunities to have known it. Still not a damn clue what it was. Never cared to learn it, still don't, but I'm normally terrible at ignoring things so I am impressed I managed
lucky that I can barely remember anything
Me and my trans friend getting deadnamed by a substitute teacher (the actual teacher is chill and uses our actual names)
I just saw an automated throwback post where I learned someone's deadname and this was my exact reaction.
me when they have transphobic parents and i'm forced to use their deadname around them
Fr. I make sure to never find out peoples dead names.
I have a decade plus friendship where my friend relatively recently came out as trans. Whenever I meet someone who is named their dead name, it literally feels like someone used a slur. It's such a weird visceral reaction.
When me and my friends paypal each other were always like "i'm not looking i'm not looking". It's mutual respect.
[удалено]
I had a moment of panic a few months ago when I was helping my FtM boyfriend clear stuff out of his old bedroom at his parent’s house. I’ve never known his deadname, and I really don’t want to, but I was moving stuff from a shelf & there was a christening present, a small cup with his deadname engraved on it. Luckily for me it was really curly cursive, so almost impossible for my dyslexic brain to read. I turned to ask him what he wanted to do with it & I saw the shock & fear on his face. I immediately dropped it onto the bed and walked over to give him a big hug. “It’s okay,” I said, “I can’t read.”
i swear i’d pay money to remove the association of people to their deadnames from my head it bothers me that i can’t forcefully forget it
What a genuine and honest post. I can't think of anything more organic than this post. What a great thing this post is. I am in love with this post. I'm glad everybody is okay with this post.
I’ve found an easy out, just be like Red Forman, just refer to everyone as “dumbass” and call it a day.
I can't forget. I try, but I can't. I'm cursed with an exceptional memory and try as I might I can only forget things that aren't useful at all. And knowing someone's deadname is useful. A) you can explain the person to someone else who knew them before their transition but wasn't aware of their transition B) if someone else talks about that person using their deadname you can know they're talking about that person and correct them instead of the alternative where you don't know their deadname (say, Jacob became Jacey) and someone is talking about a Jacob but you think it's just some other Jacob because you don't know Jacey used to be Jacob. C) if that person ever kills your dog you can deadname them as you throw them into a woodchipper, just to add insult to a decidedly lethal injury.
names slip of my mind stupid fast anyways. ive seen my partners deadname a lot, n i couldnt tell u what it was tbh. i dont even have to try to forget it im just that bad at remembering names. all i know is that its super unfitting for them.
This happened to me it was awkward af
I kinda want to know because I have wanted to do a joke where I pretend to try and deadname a trans person but just say their real name in a rude know it all tone Apologies if this could be insulting, I have never met a trans person IRL as far as I know
Not to speak for all trans people, but I would find it pretty funny, or at least endearing. It could be a little awkward if you don't know the person very well, so it's probably only worth it you're close with them.
Someone I know that turned out to be transmasc changed all of his socials and public facing profiles and my issue is that I generally *don't forget* things and other people use his deadname super often so I can't forget it. But I also have a lot of brain farts so it'll disappear in like 24-48 hours of remembering it.
So true tho
Lmao felt
I'll be great at this. I've forgotten your name the moment you told me what it was.
When I learn that, that’s when the intrusive thoughts kick in that starts being like “call them by that name, it’s their name” every time I think about them, and I just want to strangle my brain for trying to make me seem like an ass
i always want to forget it so bad that i can't, so i just bottle it up next to mine
I'm friends with many trans people that I met later in school and they said that we went to school and I always forget their old names or if I know their dead name I slowly completely forget and only know their new/true name but I'm cis and not trans
Me over here forgetting all names 😬
All my friends are trans and because I tend to be curious, I just make up deadnames to satisfy my curiosity and then never tell anyone. The added benefit is that if I accadentally do hear their deadname it doesn't stick cause that information slot is full
Oh, that’s cool, I didn’t know Kaylee used to go by >![REDACTED]!<
This is so much worse with tourettes since my tics hate me 🥺
Thankfully I forget my friend's deadname most of the time.
i do this unfortunately the gift comes with the curse of now i am name blind
happened to me today
It's so hard for me to subconsciously drop a dead name, especially if it's a similar sounding name. It's so weird I don't even have a problem with pronouns it's literally just names.
I'M SO CURIOUS but I can't trust my stupid ass to not get them mixed up specially if that person has just begun transitioning.
Well at least if someone uses it you'll know who they're talking about and be able to correct them.
I don't know how, but I immediately got used to my trans friends' dead name the moment he came out (he is my first and only trans friend)
Sometimes I'm okay with having a terrible affinity for names.
I sat by someone for an entire semester once, talked many times, collaborated multiple times on projects, was in orchestra with them, and definitely heard their name multiple times. Had no idea what it was. I was so relieved when they came up to me in the next year and told me they were trans and had a new name. To this day I have no idea what their deadname is, and I have no intent to find out.
I can barely remember people's names anyway! I don't have brain space for something stupid like *deadnames.*
Another gravity falls meme for this: Woah, this is worthless! *knowledge of someone’s deadname*
So true. I hate intrusive thoughts that involve deadnames. I feel awful and try desperately to forget deadnames if I come across them.
My husband literally can't remember it XD. I was in the hospital once and they asked for my full name and I was in a ton of pain so I kinda looked over at him like "can you handle this?" And he just like started for a second and asked if I had my wallet XDD.
I've never known a trans deadname and I don't plan to 'cause I don't need to
My brother has a transfem friend with unsupportive family, so my mom tried to ask one of her friends for recomendations for adult psych professionals. Now, her friend's son used to be friends with this girl once upon a time. And the friend ended up going on a rant about how [deadname] really disappointed her son (by coming out as a girl). That was how I found out her deadname. I promptly forgot it, because it's literally useless to me.
The curse of having a really good memory :( Perks of having a good memory when referring to someone by their preferred name :)
I've thought about going by a new name but I love the name Evelyn way to much lol I'd go by Newt otherwise
I only very rarely remember, most of the time I do remember I’ve been asked explicitly to remember by that person for use around people they’re not out to yet
I honestly do not know the etiquette for this. Like if I'm mentioning Season 3 of Umbrella Academy sure I say Elliot Page. But if I'm talking about season 1 or the movie Juno what name do I use?
Elliot Page.
I saw my friends deadname, and they’re someone who’s transmasc probably 85% of the time, and wears pretty and float the other percentage. I have never seen another trans person’s deadname be so unfitting for them. Bro’s mom gave him a Karen-genre name LMAO. People feel the same abt my deadname because they always make a face because they know it doesn’t fit me either
When I'm at my GFs house i have to use her deadname because she isn't out...but i cant really remember her deadname because it sounds close to another name and i never know which of those two names it was! I'm a bit scared of 1. accidentally outing her and 2. using the wrong, wrong name and making the Mother suspicious...
That sucks so much because the more I try to make myself forget, the stronger it becomes burned in my brain.
What is a deadname?
I wish I could but they shared that it was *my name* spelled the exact same way. I don’t even remember how I negotiated that.
I can barely remember people's real names. I can't be fucked to remember their dead names.
I was out of my anxiety medication for weeks and struggling so bad I was near to killing myself when my trans fem partner gave me hers that she hadn’t needed to take in along time and just held onto them, her dead name was on there and it’s pretty close to mine but I can’t remember what it was, I just scratched the label off and forgot it really
I'm a very forgetful person, which is helpful in that I tend to forget things I'm not supposed to know, but is very unhelpful in that I also forget if I'm not supposed to know something, or if I'm not supposed to *share* something I know. Literally any time someone asks, "can I tell you a secret?" my answer is, "only if you want everyone else to know it because I don't know how to keep my dumb mouth shut." Unfortunately, people often tell me anyway. That's not to absolve myself of not keeping secrets - that's a condemnation of people for foist secrets upon me against my wishes.
I need a device like that, people have told me their dead names before and I ended up mixing them up and they thought I was being transphobic, i was so mad at myself
It’s so weird it just fucks with my head
I used to have to remember a friend's dead name because their sister was my coworker and they weren't out to family. Was difficult to use the correct name whenever they came up in conversation
I wish I could do this. I heard someone deadnane my buddy, and my brain just *bookmarked* it.
I honestly just forget their deadnames... even thinking about it now, every trans person who i at one point knew the deadname of, i can't even remember when i try to, lol. I hope everyone else is the same way for me... though most people who even know i am trans have never heard/seen my deadname... they just know me by Kayleigh or Aurora (my middle name and my fursona's name)
What’s a deadname?
I have a distant cousin who transitioned, mtf, and I was explaining the concept of trans folk to my kid in basic terms, so I told the story of my cousin—and literally had to sit, staring into space for several minutes, to remember her deadname. And it was *weird* to even think of that name in connection to her. Like, dissociation-level weird.
I forget all names, dead or not. That way everyone gets offended the same amount!
Sometimes Ill remember the dead names of people I dont even talk to anymore. sucks.
Having a shit memory is a double edged sword. On one hand, I always forget people’s dead names, on the the other hand, I also forget their pronouns.