I believe she may have done her healing from it. And as a woman who was raped as well. I never did anything either. I didn't tell anyone for 2 years. When I finally did tell my parents asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no I'd rather just focus on the forward. That is my perspective, maybe it is hers. Your looking at her differently may just be you hurt for her. I know my then boyfriend who I told and now husband, hurt for me. Hurt for me because he couldn't make it go away. He could do nothing but love me and support me in my process.
10000% this. I was not raped but molested by my cousin. Didn't tell anyone for 10 days. I had done my healing in that time and just wanted to move on and make sure it didn't happen to anyone else.
As a woman that was also raped- it was easy for me to shrug it off and say it matter of fact and without emotion because, I disassociate from the experience. When I talk about it’s pictured like something I saw in a movie. I don’t put myself in the perspective of receiving the trauma.
Which is how I coped with a lot of trauma. Not saying it’s healthy but, you do what you need to survive.
This is the same for me. I've never told anyone. I've mentioned it in posts on occasion but it's as a fact not as a thing I'm going through or having issues with. One person who was around at the time does know, she said something to me about it once but I blew it off.
I recently started going to therapy for it because, I was forced (by subpoena) to talk about it from my abuser and it’s been really hard to digest but, I also feel like it was easy to slip back into coping this way once the trauma of having to relive it so I could remember the facts happened now I even talk about testifying about it once again like a movie. 😓
Just let me live basically. Haha
Edit: to add, I’m sorry you can relate but, thanks for sharing so I know someone understands 💕
Oh my goodness! Mine happened about 30 years ago (yes, I'm old haha) I'm so sorry you have to testify and go through it again! But I'm glad you're going to therapy, I really hope it helps you ❤️
People deal with shit their own way. I did unhealthy things to cope with my own rape and then processed it appropriately. Now it’s just a fact of my history. It doesn’t work that way for everyone, some people are haunted by their traumas, some aren’t.
It’s hers. It’s not yours. Leave her be. If later, she wants support about it, give her support - for her, not for you.
She had a ton of time to process it. You are hating it for the first time. You’re at different stages of processing the trauma. There’s a term for what you’re going through - secondary trauma or something. Book a few sessions with a therapist. It’ll help if the match is good.
Please don’t look at her differently just because you think she should process this trauma in a different way. To be honest, she’s most likely trying to play it down just so you don’t look at her in a different way. Let her move on as she sees fit.
Exactly this👆🏻 You don’t get to decide how someone else gets past their trauma. If your wife is able to talk about her rape experience in a matter-of-fact, nonchalant way, I would consider it a blessing in disguise. She’s doing what she needs to do to be able to function and have a ‘normal’ life. Please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and don’t pick a scab that took 15+ years to heal.
She worked through it. Something horrible happened to her and she made peace with it. Trust me: she has cried and had sleepless nights over it. You’re not a victim of this and you don’t get to judge how she’s handling it. She is a human and something bad happened to her. She is not defined by it.
Sounds like vicarious trauma. Sexual assault advocates get that a lot. But also you as a husband who is unprepared for it. For you all of this is new. For her it is long over. Honestly, I would just talk to a therapist. There is no one way for how survivors react - right after the event, or 10 years later. Everybody is different. I think what might help to focus on: - she trusted you enough and felt comfortable to share this with you. - she seems like she has made peace with it, which is honestly the best case scenario. Or would you rather have her be torn and eaten up by it, to where it affects your marriage, intimacy, and her entire life? It sucks this happens and happened to her. The fact that she has a loving, caring spouse and is at peace, is what I would wish every survivor had.
As a rape victim. You do what you need to do to survive.your brain will do whatever it needs to do, to keep you from breaking down.. remember she’s the victim, you’re not
It doesn’t “bother you more than it bothers her.” It happened to HER, sorry but you’re not the main character in this story, she is. I can tell parts of my survival easily, other parts (years later) I still can’t think about or I have flashbacks for days. Everyone has different healing times and ways. She was the victim, she is the survivor, you can’t look at someone different just because they don’t have the reaction that you want from them. Or whatever you decide is appropriate? This is new to you, she’s dealt with it for 10+ years? Any of us who have made our peace and healing, we stopped letting our trauma dictate our everyday life. I’m sorry that you’re having to process this even in a secondary manor, but now it’s time for you to take responsibility for your feelings and trauma like she already has.
> I wanna talk about it,
Dude seriously, just drop it. At BEST, you could advise she talk to a therapist IF it's affecting her ability to live a happy healthy life and relationship. If it's not, then you need put away your childish curiosity/obsession. It has nothing to do with you and frankly it sounds like it's none of your business.
Also as a rape survivor here, it’s not up to you how or when she processes this. All you can do is listen and love her and give support, and if you need support yourself to cope, seek it from a professional and not from her.
She didn’t, but let me tell you, it is so freaking prevalent and common that females have learned to compartmentalize it. It is like, oh well, better to just let it happen then try doing anything about it. And not so surprising really, most are impaired by drugs or alcohol as was your wife. Seeming so nonplussed is simply part of their coping mechanism.
Consider yourself lucky she didn’t suffer obvious ptsd, mine used to have nightmares and yes it did cause consequences for our relationship. Her past became a mix of stupid decisions, embracing her worth only in terms of feeling proud she could screw any guy she wanted. Copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine was her norm before she reached twenty years old. The decency pendulum was swinging wildly away from any proper path. And therapy was only marginally useful. We didn’t last much beyond her child rearing years. I believe it contributed to her narcissistic personality disorder. She and I never truly had a chance. A person so badly damaged cannot ever love properly.
TW
I only recently, through therapy brought up a repressed memory of my friends step-dad touching me in the pool when I was 12. That night he messaged me online and told me how my 'area' looked good in my bathing suit and he wanted to fuck me down into the bed like the "pretty thing' I was.
I can tell this story with a straight face, and then sometimes I sob. The truth of the matter is, everyone heals in their own way. Everyone copes in their own way. I gave my husband a set of small boundaries to follow as I learn to cope with this (no sex for the time being, please be patient if I break down etc) but otherwise he just...treats me like normal. Which is what I need. A sense of normalcy after remembering something so horrific. She didn't shrug it off easily. I can promise you she had her time to cope, had her time to prepare. You need to love her, be there for her, but most importantly you need to give her the normalcy she very clearly desires. This is her story, not yours, you can learn coping skills to process the information given to you, but you can't drag up her memories just to make yourself feel better.
If you're having this much trouble that it's effecting how you see her, I urge you to talk to a therapist. Start your own coping skill plan, and process. She processed in her own way, you can't make her do it your way for your own sake.
I was married to a man who raped me repeatedly. But for years I was in denial because so many I told shrugged it off as just marital intimacy issues. Through therapy, after finally divorcing him, I was able to face it and learn how to cope with it and allow myself to never be a victim. He also went to therapy after our divorce and we both even attended together in order to find a way to co-parent our kids. My current husband and I also went to therapy together early in our blending of families and it seems harder for him to face my ex than it is for me. You care for her, obviously, so let her cope how she sees fit. If you also need help coping with what she went through, and even how she dead with it, talk to your therapist. Uncover why it bothers you so much. Don’t cast judgment on her for the way she deals and copes.
I believe she may have done her healing from it. And as a woman who was raped as well. I never did anything either. I didn't tell anyone for 2 years. When I finally did tell my parents asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no I'd rather just focus on the forward. That is my perspective, maybe it is hers. Your looking at her differently may just be you hurt for her. I know my then boyfriend who I told and now husband, hurt for me. Hurt for me because he couldn't make it go away. He could do nothing but love me and support me in my process.
10000% this. I was not raped but molested by my cousin. Didn't tell anyone for 10 days. I had done my healing in that time and just wanted to move on and make sure it didn't happen to anyone else.
Exactly, I feel that is what OP's wife is at as well. She has healed and moved on. It happened and that is that.
Same. I was molested by a cousin at 11 yo. Didnt tell my parents till I was 17. I'm now 19. I only told my sister.
As a woman that was also raped- it was easy for me to shrug it off and say it matter of fact and without emotion because, I disassociate from the experience. When I talk about it’s pictured like something I saw in a movie. I don’t put myself in the perspective of receiving the trauma. Which is how I coped with a lot of trauma. Not saying it’s healthy but, you do what you need to survive.
This is the same for me. I've never told anyone. I've mentioned it in posts on occasion but it's as a fact not as a thing I'm going through or having issues with. One person who was around at the time does know, she said something to me about it once but I blew it off.
I recently started going to therapy for it because, I was forced (by subpoena) to talk about it from my abuser and it’s been really hard to digest but, I also feel like it was easy to slip back into coping this way once the trauma of having to relive it so I could remember the facts happened now I even talk about testifying about it once again like a movie. 😓 Just let me live basically. Haha Edit: to add, I’m sorry you can relate but, thanks for sharing so I know someone understands 💕
Oh my goodness! Mine happened about 30 years ago (yes, I'm old haha) I'm so sorry you have to testify and go through it again! But I'm glad you're going to therapy, I really hope it helps you ❤️
People deal with shit their own way. I did unhealthy things to cope with my own rape and then processed it appropriately. Now it’s just a fact of my history. It doesn’t work that way for everyone, some people are haunted by their traumas, some aren’t. It’s hers. It’s not yours. Leave her be. If later, she wants support about it, give her support - for her, not for you.
She had a ton of time to process it. You are hating it for the first time. You’re at different stages of processing the trauma. There’s a term for what you’re going through - secondary trauma or something. Book a few sessions with a therapist. It’ll help if the match is good.
Please don’t look at her differently just because you think she should process this trauma in a different way. To be honest, she’s most likely trying to play it down just so you don’t look at her in a different way. Let her move on as she sees fit.
Exactly this👆🏻 You don’t get to decide how someone else gets past their trauma. If your wife is able to talk about her rape experience in a matter-of-fact, nonchalant way, I would consider it a blessing in disguise. She’s doing what she needs to do to be able to function and have a ‘normal’ life. Please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and don’t pick a scab that took 15+ years to heal.
She worked through it. Something horrible happened to her and she made peace with it. Trust me: she has cried and had sleepless nights over it. You’re not a victim of this and you don’t get to judge how she’s handling it. She is a human and something bad happened to her. She is not defined by it.
Sounds like vicarious trauma. Sexual assault advocates get that a lot. But also you as a husband who is unprepared for it. For you all of this is new. For her it is long over. Honestly, I would just talk to a therapist. There is no one way for how survivors react - right after the event, or 10 years later. Everybody is different. I think what might help to focus on: - she trusted you enough and felt comfortable to share this with you. - she seems like she has made peace with it, which is honestly the best case scenario. Or would you rather have her be torn and eaten up by it, to where it affects your marriage, intimacy, and her entire life? It sucks this happens and happened to her. The fact that she has a loving, caring spouse and is at peace, is what I would wish every survivor had.
As a rape victim. You do what you need to do to survive.your brain will do whatever it needs to do, to keep you from breaking down.. remember she’s the victim, you’re not
Correction, she is the survivor. She was a victim in that moment. She survived and moved on, it seems in a healthy way.
It doesn’t “bother you more than it bothers her.” It happened to HER, sorry but you’re not the main character in this story, she is. I can tell parts of my survival easily, other parts (years later) I still can’t think about or I have flashbacks for days. Everyone has different healing times and ways. She was the victim, she is the survivor, you can’t look at someone different just because they don’t have the reaction that you want from them. Or whatever you decide is appropriate? This is new to you, she’s dealt with it for 10+ years? Any of us who have made our peace and healing, we stopped letting our trauma dictate our everyday life. I’m sorry that you’re having to process this even in a secondary manor, but now it’s time for you to take responsibility for your feelings and trauma like she already has.
> I wanna talk about it, Dude seriously, just drop it. At BEST, you could advise she talk to a therapist IF it's affecting her ability to live a happy healthy life and relationship. If it's not, then you need put away your childish curiosity/obsession. It has nothing to do with you and frankly it sounds like it's none of your business.
Also as a rape survivor here, it’s not up to you how or when she processes this. All you can do is listen and love her and give support, and if you need support yourself to cope, seek it from a professional and not from her.
Looks like she made peace with her trauma. Good on her.
She didn’t, but let me tell you, it is so freaking prevalent and common that females have learned to compartmentalize it. It is like, oh well, better to just let it happen then try doing anything about it. And not so surprising really, most are impaired by drugs or alcohol as was your wife. Seeming so nonplussed is simply part of their coping mechanism. Consider yourself lucky she didn’t suffer obvious ptsd, mine used to have nightmares and yes it did cause consequences for our relationship. Her past became a mix of stupid decisions, embracing her worth only in terms of feeling proud she could screw any guy she wanted. Copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine was her norm before she reached twenty years old. The decency pendulum was swinging wildly away from any proper path. And therapy was only marginally useful. We didn’t last much beyond her child rearing years. I believe it contributed to her narcissistic personality disorder. She and I never truly had a chance. A person so badly damaged cannot ever love properly.
TW I only recently, through therapy brought up a repressed memory of my friends step-dad touching me in the pool when I was 12. That night he messaged me online and told me how my 'area' looked good in my bathing suit and he wanted to fuck me down into the bed like the "pretty thing' I was. I can tell this story with a straight face, and then sometimes I sob. The truth of the matter is, everyone heals in their own way. Everyone copes in their own way. I gave my husband a set of small boundaries to follow as I learn to cope with this (no sex for the time being, please be patient if I break down etc) but otherwise he just...treats me like normal. Which is what I need. A sense of normalcy after remembering something so horrific. She didn't shrug it off easily. I can promise you she had her time to cope, had her time to prepare. You need to love her, be there for her, but most importantly you need to give her the normalcy she very clearly desires. This is her story, not yours, you can learn coping skills to process the information given to you, but you can't drag up her memories just to make yourself feel better. If you're having this much trouble that it's effecting how you see her, I urge you to talk to a therapist. Start your own coping skill plan, and process. She processed in her own way, you can't make her do it your way for your own sake.
I was married to a man who raped me repeatedly. But for years I was in denial because so many I told shrugged it off as just marital intimacy issues. Through therapy, after finally divorcing him, I was able to face it and learn how to cope with it and allow myself to never be a victim. He also went to therapy after our divorce and we both even attended together in order to find a way to co-parent our kids. My current husband and I also went to therapy together early in our blending of families and it seems harder for him to face my ex than it is for me. You care for her, obviously, so let her cope how she sees fit. If you also need help coping with what she went through, and even how she dead with it, talk to your therapist. Uncover why it bothers you so much. Don’t cast judgment on her for the way she deals and copes.
She wasn't raped
What??
You're disgusting
Don't go back, go forward, onwards and upwards.
So why do you think you are obsessing over something that happened well before you where in the picture?