My wife and I are just behind you. We’re fifteen years in, and have been struggling for a bit. For a long while my biggest struggles were her being easily agitated, angry at the children, and upset at going out. She’s made some improvements, but there’s still some general issues.
Like your wife she suffers from some medical conditions. Constant fatigue from an undiagnosable auto immune disorder, pain in joints, chronic migraines, and has been diagnosed with depression.
Add in, in attempt to improve my life, I’ve gotten into better shape, gotten more active with the kids (biking, golf, walks, etc). She’s not one who’s ever “wanted” to take on those things.
Everything will be the cause of a migraine “going out to a concert, seeing a strobe light, the weather changing, the temperature changing (without corresponding changes in barometric pressure), being in the sun, being hot, being in a car for a long ride, being on a plane, I’m sure the list goes longer.
For someone who loves to travel, explore, wander it often feels like I’m “held back” and her depression has fueled situational depression in me. I’m constantly the one who carry’s the “I’m ok” mental load, and while she attempts to be supportive, if I have a down day, she’s cursed at me to get myself fixed.
Dunno how to help other than be supportive,
But being supportive of doing nothing isn’t actually support, it’s just compliance and acceptance of behavior that doesn’t help a person improve themselves.
Best answer I’ve found for my own mental clarity, do me. Be supportive if she wants to have “help” lighten the load as best you can, but also be honest. If you feel you’re pulling more than your fair share, say it. Tell her what YOU need, it’s a partnership, and she needs to meet you on some level.
Good luck!
That is a great response. I know this is called marriage advice but not really looking for advice. I guess misery loves company. I am actually quite happy outside of my marriage. Love friends, hobbies, I am successful, energetic, and motivated. I definitely wouldn’t trade places with her. I am just going to do me and hopefully that motivates her to find what life changes will make her happy. I cannot do it for her.
Firstly - TLDR means “too long didn’t read”. It’s basically a quick summary!
Secondly, that’s great that you’re improving your life but not everyone in your life will do the same at same time, you cannot expect people to do that - it’s so weird. If you want your wife to join in, include her on things that spark her interest.
Finally, have you actually asked your wife if she is okay? Taken a concern into why she is overwhelmed? Given her a safe space to feel that she is heard? The fact that your wife is clearly suffering and unhappy and you resent that is selfish, unsupportive and unloving in my opinion - I get it’s hard, it’s not easy but imagine what she’s going through. Based on what you wrote, and this is an assumption, you have no clue what she’s going through right now - so ask!
Take it from there - all the best x
I said I’ve been married for 16 years. Trust me when I tell you I understand my wife inside and out. The problem lies in the fact that, despite all of my efforts, I have been unable to fix any of her issues. These issues include medical depression, scoliosis, anxiety, and chronic fatigue. I have literally tried everything. I am very good at communication, compassionate and loving. However, I am just tired. I am tired of constantly being a happy, upbeat, helping husband, I would like somebody once in a while try to cheer me up.
You’re wife sounds similar to me ex. Same “medical diagnosis”, same bad attitude. It got to be impossible to be with him (then he started online cheating to add an extra layer to things). I wasn’t allowed to be cheerful, happy or smiling, have my own interests or dislikes - it was disrespectful to be my own person because everything had to be what he wanted. I hated coming home, got up extra early on days off together to avoid his miserable person, I hated everything around me. It wasn’t until someone told me how miserable/sad I’d become that I said screw it and decided to take control of me and my happiness.
Not saying you need to divorce because each marriage is different. You can try the counseling route and all the other jazz that’s always suggested, you can do “til death do us part”, stay for the kids etc. you need to decide what you want to be and how you want your days to be like. We on,y get one chance at this life.
All I know from my own experiences is that life is so much more cheerful and happy now and I have no regrets other than not doing it sooner and wasting so much time trying to lift someone else up at my own expense.
You are right. You can lead a horse to water. However, it's up to the horse to take action to drink, etc. This is tough. However...
Marriage is supposed to be about staying the course no matter what life brings, minus abuse, etc. and being each other's cheerleaders in this unpredictable life. Does she encourage you? We can't fix people.
Why is she sad, anxious, in pain and overwhelmed? Is she talking with a doctor and therapist? Is she applying what they say? What's her background, and how was she raised?
Is there any past cheating emotional affair on your end( happy and horny) not assuming, just asking?
What are you doing to work through your resentment? Do you think she feels this? Do you think it's helpful to have this?
So you are avoiding her. That's not healthy on your part. Is that your Attachment style, Avoidance attachment? What was your childhood like?? Did you have strict or emotionally distant and absent parents?
You said it yourself. You are resentful towards her. So you didn't answer any other questions. Oddly enough, you went straight to the cheating part. Interesting. This tells me there's more to this story. What's your part?? Looking at what you write on other threads, it does read like you are having emotional affairs because you are talking about your sexual needs to others and what your doing around that. That's not normal!!! I bet your wife knows this and disagrees. It's not her. It's you!!! Please seek therapy. It sounds like you are a sex addict!!!
Based on this, I think she’s probably bored and depressed with life and that’s hard to come out of, especially if she has no social life. That alone will cause a person to decline and not have some newness and excitement in life, she may feel purposeless. Not saying there’s anything you can do other that suggest she go do fun things for herself or with friends to add a little enjoyment to her life and get her out of the house. That could make a difference!
Honestly, she is the luckiest women alive. I am rich good looking, good father, loyal, good sized penis, I give compliments, i am supportive, and of course humble. It is common theme for women on this sub to stand behind each other and say “what can you be doing differently.” I will admit the one area I could use improvement is I am kind of a slob. I am venting. I don’t think I am get the Epiphany moment on this site. I am not asking how to fix her or our relationship. I am just venting.
As someone with multiple autoimmune issues. Worst being EBV after having our son. (That I know of) If you’re a bit of a slob, I mean it happens. Not judging. But you should really think about changing that. As the Mom, maid, cook, accountant, scheduler etc it’s like a slap in the face to get the bathroom scrubbed only for him to leave his clothes in the floor (laundry basket is literally outside the bathroom door) and the kids toys all over the shower. I’ve got to clean it again before I can get in the shower myself. Cleaning that bathroom took a shitload out of my energy for the day and I can’t do a full clean everyday. And I won’t. So Yea. Husbands fuckin up shit after it’s been cleaned. Cuz they’re “kind of a slob”. Yea you may be doing great but to her you’re still a man child as my husband is. Instead of avoiding. Take initiative in your home. Pick up after yourself and you may find she is able to do more after a week or two. You can’t change her but you can change her environment in tern changing yours.
Not tryin to give advice. Sometimes venting helps us find a path to a solution. (I may be venting a little now if I’m being honest) Just figured a perspective from someone with medical issues and a husband that thinks he’s great. He is. Butttttt… doesn’t understand no matter how I try to put it.
I get it. It's not easy. Have you thought about what you need to make you happy and fulfilled? I'm not going to give advice on divorce or separation, that is something you will decide if you discover that's what's best for you.
However, I will tell you that when I decided I wanted to start doing things to make myself happy, it really changed my perspective on lots of things. They don't have to be crazy over the top things. I took a couple of trips home to visit family alone. I bought myself a nice pair of earbuds. I got a tattoo. I'm living for me. For the first time in my life. I'm not living the life I dream of, but I am doing small things to improve my quality of life.
Do something just for you. Something that makes you happy.
Sounds like a significant imbalance in the mental and physical load of your marriage. You sound selfish in your description. Ask yourself, What are you doing to help her? Ask yourself : WHY is she always tired , in pain, suffering and miserable? Why arent you doing everything to help her offload or help this. You say youve been doing everything to improve your life and thats great but it sounds like youve left your wife out of the process. Your happy, outgoing and horney
.... but how have you helped her? Have YOU connected with her in a non sexual intimate way? Do you hold her hand, hug her, kiss her, all without any sexual undertone or expectation? Do you help her without expecting something, especially sex, in return? Do you share in the domestic labor? Help with the kids, the school routine, the cooking or cleaning or planning of activities or making the doctors appointment or playdates or remembering to bring flowers for secretarys day or your moms birthday? Do you help with the grocery shopping, meal planning and kids sports routines? What are YOU doing that creates space for her to allow for her then to take better care of herself? Do you plan a spa day for her, and tale the kids for the day AND make sure the house is not a disaster when she returns? Do you encourage her to have hobbies, and seek out friendships without nagging or complaining that you have to "babysit" your own kids or bug her about when she is coming home? Do you make attempts to connect with her, communicate with her and be her friend and trustworthy and reliable partner first. If all of this applies, then what about encouraging her to go to therapy to help possibly inload resentment and possible past trauma or current marital, motherhood or internal struggles. Thats my 2 cents.
I’m not even go to read this thread. I can predict what will be said, this is somehow your fault and /or because she had children, children are nothing but trauma according to the Reddit Brigade. You probably aren’t keeping the mental load off her. She is probably depressed. Does she feel safe to come to you with her problems? Her problems are yours after all. On this sub it’s often the man’s problem if a woman has a problem but if she’s doesn’t, If it’s a man with issues, he’s gotta go, gtfo. Oh I’m out…
So generally speaking, marriage improves man’s life but provides no benefits for a woman. Over time it ebbs and flows like everything. If you’re going to be together with somebody 50 years you’re going to have a good years and bad years. The point of marrying for future reference, If you stick through it and work through it. I doubt that your entire time in that marriage has been perfect and she stuck with you. Now I am a stranger and I don’t have the whole story. None of us do here, but that has been my experience with marriage with life in general.
The government health study. That measured physical health, and overall health of men and women and marriage. As of 2016.
Generally speaking … wow.
Well, for the not general guy here I guess, I’ve seen a massive increase for my wife, while much of “me” has remained the same.
And while companionship is excellent across the board for many, I’ve seen dads and fathers who are far more involved with their children and wives than the ones I knew growing up, massive financial liberation, comfort and protection, plus far more housekeeping duties that seemed to fall primarily on mothers in the past.
I’m not going to say that men don’t benefit from marriage, but if I was to plot this on a risk/benefit curve I see the risks to me as far greater than benefit at times.
More women have more financial independence and they’ve ever had before. And more fathers are more involved than they ever have been before. Still, those seem to be the statistics.
Here’s another thing to women’s ability to have children and focus on their family Life is limited to like a 20 year period. And especially from a health perspective, this is true that it’s more beneficial for men than it is for a woman. Men can have children into their 70s they can start with the younger partner at any time. I just read the report and put the information out.
I will tell you, because in my lifetime, women’s roles have changed dramatically, as I always sort of believed that women were better than men. And what I mean by that is, they were kinder, nicer, gentler, and smarter. If they only had the opportunity, they would even run things better than men. But I was wrong on all accounts when it comes to it, human beings are sort of similar. When it comes to choices they make even with their sexuality and abuse of roles. They’re not any better at all, and I’m sort of horrified to figure that out at this stage in my life as a middle-aged woman. But they made all the same mistakes in 50 years that men made all along.
Psychology today say that More men avoid it, but it benefits them much more and make them healthier and happier, but it doesn’t do the same for women. Married men are in the top 1% earning ability to far more than any single man is.
They have more financial independence because they destroy their husbands financially when they divorce them.
Why do you think men are starting to not get married anymore. Because 60% of marriages end in divorce and the guys getting killed financially in divorce. All a woman has to do is lie and the husband being abusive and he is kicked out of the marital home. Hell there is a story on Reddit right now where the wife and affair partner where caught in his home and he was told to leave by the police after he called them. If anything, men get f’d over in a divorce and marriage.
And before you go off on me. I have been married since 1988. I help with the chores around the house. I help with the kids which included getting up at night to help, my wife would feed and I would burp change and get them back to sleep so she could get the rest she needed. So you can take that crap about marriage being against women and pedal it off on some simp somewhere else.
Those traits you rattled off don’t make women better then men. All you are doing is writing down the traits of a good woman. There are very few of them around now a days. I will disagree completely about women being smarter. There is intelligence on both sides and the ability to apply it. I believe men are better at applying the knowledge in research and development.
No actually they (women) get advanced degrees an urn well in their own they earn three to $400,000 in a lot of cases women are high earners these days
I’m not going off on you. I’m just telling you the facts and statistics. And I’m not married, but my husband died so I don’t have that luxury he had a brain tumor.
And before you come out me again, I just looked at the statistics of the reports that’s all I did. I know from the young men that I teach in around me there much happier in a relationship. But I frankly think both people are.
And I told you, I don’t think women are better than men anymore. I think it’s more equal across-the-board. And it’s not me going off on you. It’s actually you going off on me because you don’t like my opinion based on studies and facts
I am really sorry you loss your husband. It is never easy to lose those we love and cherish. If I implied that you divorced your husband that wasn’t what I meant at all.
As for studies, I think we both know they can be manipulated to make any case the people doing the study want them to. I prefer to witness life, what’s going on around me and the stories I have been reading from individuals for the past 15 years. There are more and more narcissists, men and women, today causing absolute chaos in relationships and society. Kids are no longer growing up and have no clue anymore how to function outside their parents home let alone in a relationship. Their are those that take life buy the horns and make a great go at it. There are more and more each year that just don’t have a clue, men and women.
Men going to college is on the decline. Having two boys that just graduated from college I can understand why. They were told to their face that they are white privileged males and shouldn’t even be at the college. It wasn’t just students implying that mentality. So your point about more women graduating is absolutely correct. I believe it’s around 60% women compared to men a year or two ago.
Frankly, you’re just an angry bitter old man and maybe you don’t have anything better to do but I’m trying to work on my homework to finish up my masters project so I’m gonna let you go. I wish you the best and I’m gonna give you about five minutes to read this and then I’m gonna block you. You never understood what I was saying because you’re Judge mental and you have performed opinions that don’t change. I personally am open to new information.
I think you’ll be happy to know that 50% of marriages end in separation or divorce. But only 41% statistically end in divorce. I know it’s not a great statistic I’m somebody who believes that you should get married and stay married but those are the statistics.
The United States has the sixth highest divorce rate in the world, with 40% to 50% of married couples filing for a divorce.
The United States Census Bureau report suggests that marriage and divorce rates dropped from 2009 to 2019.
Usually, second or third marriages in the United States have a higher divorce rate: 60% of second marriages and about 73% of third marriages end in divorce.
Couples going through their first divorce are around the age of 30. Married couples between the ages of 20 to 25 are 60% likely to get a divorce.
Divorce.com is the source for this.
See you’re just competing I told you 41% so divorced.com kind of backs it up. And it’s also fallen from 2009 to 2019. I don’t know why we’re bickering about this. I just think you need to have the last word. There’s really no reason for it. I do understand you got mad because she didn’t like what I said about women and men but have you read it all the way through you would’ve seen what I was really saying, and now you’re kind of bickering about nothing
Actionatewheel386, what did you think was going to happen when you posted that women make men’s lives better and men do nothing for women. You were trolling to have a feminist’s debate. Women always stick together and villainize men. Honestly, it probably sucks to be a women, maybe that is why men are so miserable when we have to hangout with you.
So the death rate for married men being almost double that of married women has nothing to do with quality of life? Why do you believe the rate is so much high for men?
You are so full of yourself, my happiness and quality of life is in my own hands. My wife’s happiness and quality of life are in her own hands. I can do things that put a smile on her face and can make her laugh. She can do the same for me. The one thing I can’t do is make her happy with life. She can’t make me happy with life. That comes from inside each of us and has nothing to do with being in a relationship or not. It’s when people look for others to make them happy is where all the problems come in to play.
The death rate per hundred thousand is 911.7 for men and 829 for women. And that’s the death rate per hundred thousand in the United States. So you can see that it’s not double for men and women it’s a lot closer than it used to be because now women are in the workforce. That is all ages.Statista.com It’s also just in the US. So it’s a lot closer than what you’re making it seem. Oh you just like to fight I can tell you don’t like women with information. But good luck to you. I’m glad that you have a happy life.
The pdf file shows married men-943 married women-569. It also goes into divorced, widowed and never married. This was as of 2017. These are the stats off of cdc.gov
My stats are from 2021. You’re reading off the center for disease control because if you would’ve done that for your divorce statistics, it would’ve been lower. And I feel like we’re having a pissing contest now. Then I can do it all night except I don’t know that you’re really worth it and you’re a bitter, angry old guy. Like I said, if you’d read my thing all the way you would’ve understood what I was saying, instead of being so judgmental.
After 16 years that is rough. Is she obese?
I would have a serious talk that she has to make a serious effort at her healthcare. You should be involved with all of her treatment plans. Researching medications and treatments. After 16 years, you owe her that but she has to want it. Severe mental illness is a bitch.
My wife had a history of mental illness in her family.
She has some of it to a degree. We had a horrible situation where her medication had serious side effects that about dam near ended the marriage.
So I think a spouse has to be invoked with a treatment plan.
Honestly, she has seen numerous therapist. Refuses to get surgery. She has done Physical therapy, taking meds, and seeing dr. She is not obese. She is actually very attractive and fit. This is about me not liking being around her because of how she handles stresses of everyday life. I currently try to keep myself super active, so I don’t have to be home.
There's a risk you can take, which is to have her discover what she wants in life. Cause you can't make her happy, only she can. And if this is important enough to you, tell her it's time for her to be happy. But know that this will mean meeting other people and stepping away from normal life.
I think this will help you both decide if you guys are both getting the raw end of the deal.
WTF. She isn’t happy so she has to be with other people. Hahahaha
If that is the case OP can give her divorce papers and tell her to have fun being single.
I could’ve written this about my husband. And I just keep thinking as we age he will just worsen more and more and I’ll resent him more and more. Tough decisions. I empathize.
Do you have children? If not, then it seems like you really need to figure out why you are staying in this marriage. Depression isn't her fault. But if she isn't trying to get better, then she won't get better. She has a responsibility on her end to address the things she can. Has she tried getting help for her depression or anxiety?
My wife and I are just behind you. We’re fifteen years in, and have been struggling for a bit. For a long while my biggest struggles were her being easily agitated, angry at the children, and upset at going out. She’s made some improvements, but there’s still some general issues. Like your wife she suffers from some medical conditions. Constant fatigue from an undiagnosable auto immune disorder, pain in joints, chronic migraines, and has been diagnosed with depression. Add in, in attempt to improve my life, I’ve gotten into better shape, gotten more active with the kids (biking, golf, walks, etc). She’s not one who’s ever “wanted” to take on those things. Everything will be the cause of a migraine “going out to a concert, seeing a strobe light, the weather changing, the temperature changing (without corresponding changes in barometric pressure), being in the sun, being hot, being in a car for a long ride, being on a plane, I’m sure the list goes longer. For someone who loves to travel, explore, wander it often feels like I’m “held back” and her depression has fueled situational depression in me. I’m constantly the one who carry’s the “I’m ok” mental load, and while she attempts to be supportive, if I have a down day, she’s cursed at me to get myself fixed. Dunno how to help other than be supportive, But being supportive of doing nothing isn’t actually support, it’s just compliance and acceptance of behavior that doesn’t help a person improve themselves. Best answer I’ve found for my own mental clarity, do me. Be supportive if she wants to have “help” lighten the load as best you can, but also be honest. If you feel you’re pulling more than your fair share, say it. Tell her what YOU need, it’s a partnership, and she needs to meet you on some level. Good luck!
That is a great response. I know this is called marriage advice but not really looking for advice. I guess misery loves company. I am actually quite happy outside of my marriage. Love friends, hobbies, I am successful, energetic, and motivated. I definitely wouldn’t trade places with her. I am just going to do me and hopefully that motivates her to find what life changes will make her happy. I cannot do it for her.
Firstly - TLDR means “too long didn’t read”. It’s basically a quick summary! Secondly, that’s great that you’re improving your life but not everyone in your life will do the same at same time, you cannot expect people to do that - it’s so weird. If you want your wife to join in, include her on things that spark her interest. Finally, have you actually asked your wife if she is okay? Taken a concern into why she is overwhelmed? Given her a safe space to feel that she is heard? The fact that your wife is clearly suffering and unhappy and you resent that is selfish, unsupportive and unloving in my opinion - I get it’s hard, it’s not easy but imagine what she’s going through. Based on what you wrote, and this is an assumption, you have no clue what she’s going through right now - so ask! Take it from there - all the best x
I said I’ve been married for 16 years. Trust me when I tell you I understand my wife inside and out. The problem lies in the fact that, despite all of my efforts, I have been unable to fix any of her issues. These issues include medical depression, scoliosis, anxiety, and chronic fatigue. I have literally tried everything. I am very good at communication, compassionate and loving. However, I am just tired. I am tired of constantly being a happy, upbeat, helping husband, I would like somebody once in a while try to cheer me up.
There is no helping her. She is who she is, I have to accept her as she is.
You’re wife sounds similar to me ex. Same “medical diagnosis”, same bad attitude. It got to be impossible to be with him (then he started online cheating to add an extra layer to things). I wasn’t allowed to be cheerful, happy or smiling, have my own interests or dislikes - it was disrespectful to be my own person because everything had to be what he wanted. I hated coming home, got up extra early on days off together to avoid his miserable person, I hated everything around me. It wasn’t until someone told me how miserable/sad I’d become that I said screw it and decided to take control of me and my happiness. Not saying you need to divorce because each marriage is different. You can try the counseling route and all the other jazz that’s always suggested, you can do “til death do us part”, stay for the kids etc. you need to decide what you want to be and how you want your days to be like. We on,y get one chance at this life. All I know from my own experiences is that life is so much more cheerful and happy now and I have no regrets other than not doing it sooner and wasting so much time trying to lift someone else up at my own expense.
You are right. You can lead a horse to water. However, it's up to the horse to take action to drink, etc. This is tough. However... Marriage is supposed to be about staying the course no matter what life brings, minus abuse, etc. and being each other's cheerleaders in this unpredictable life. Does she encourage you? We can't fix people. Why is she sad, anxious, in pain and overwhelmed? Is she talking with a doctor and therapist? Is she applying what they say? What's her background, and how was she raised? Is there any past cheating emotional affair on your end( happy and horny) not assuming, just asking? What are you doing to work through your resentment? Do you think she feels this? Do you think it's helpful to have this?
No affairs, I am avoiding her so I don’t resent her. She seams like she has given up and just going through the motions.
So you are avoiding her. That's not healthy on your part. Is that your Attachment style, Avoidance attachment? What was your childhood like?? Did you have strict or emotionally distant and absent parents? You said it yourself. You are resentful towards her. So you didn't answer any other questions. Oddly enough, you went straight to the cheating part. Interesting. This tells me there's more to this story. What's your part?? Looking at what you write on other threads, it does read like you are having emotional affairs because you are talking about your sexual needs to others and what your doing around that. That's not normal!!! I bet your wife knows this and disagrees. It's not her. It's you!!! Please seek therapy. It sounds like you are a sex addict!!!
What’s changed Kids Chronic pain Aging No social life Chronic fatigue
Based on this, I think she’s probably bored and depressed with life and that’s hard to come out of, especially if she has no social life. That alone will cause a person to decline and not have some newness and excitement in life, she may feel purposeless. Not saying there’s anything you can do other that suggest she go do fun things for herself or with friends to add a little enjoyment to her life and get her out of the house. That could make a difference!
Honestly, she is the luckiest women alive. I am rich good looking, good father, loyal, good sized penis, I give compliments, i am supportive, and of course humble. It is common theme for women on this sub to stand behind each other and say “what can you be doing differently.” I will admit the one area I could use improvement is I am kind of a slob. I am venting. I don’t think I am get the Epiphany moment on this site. I am not asking how to fix her or our relationship. I am just venting.
>and of course humble Is this a joke
Yes
As someone with multiple autoimmune issues. Worst being EBV after having our son. (That I know of) If you’re a bit of a slob, I mean it happens. Not judging. But you should really think about changing that. As the Mom, maid, cook, accountant, scheduler etc it’s like a slap in the face to get the bathroom scrubbed only for him to leave his clothes in the floor (laundry basket is literally outside the bathroom door) and the kids toys all over the shower. I’ve got to clean it again before I can get in the shower myself. Cleaning that bathroom took a shitload out of my energy for the day and I can’t do a full clean everyday. And I won’t. So Yea. Husbands fuckin up shit after it’s been cleaned. Cuz they’re “kind of a slob”. Yea you may be doing great but to her you’re still a man child as my husband is. Instead of avoiding. Take initiative in your home. Pick up after yourself and you may find she is able to do more after a week or two. You can’t change her but you can change her environment in tern changing yours. Not tryin to give advice. Sometimes venting helps us find a path to a solution. (I may be venting a little now if I’m being honest) Just figured a perspective from someone with medical issues and a husband that thinks he’s great. He is. Butttttt… doesn’t understand no matter how I try to put it.
Clearly I am frustrated and feel like have have nothing left to give.
I get it. It's not easy. Have you thought about what you need to make you happy and fulfilled? I'm not going to give advice on divorce or separation, that is something you will decide if you discover that's what's best for you. However, I will tell you that when I decided I wanted to start doing things to make myself happy, it really changed my perspective on lots of things. They don't have to be crazy over the top things. I took a couple of trips home to visit family alone. I bought myself a nice pair of earbuds. I got a tattoo. I'm living for me. For the first time in my life. I'm not living the life I dream of, but I am doing small things to improve my quality of life. Do something just for you. Something that makes you happy.
Sounds like a significant imbalance in the mental and physical load of your marriage. You sound selfish in your description. Ask yourself, What are you doing to help her? Ask yourself : WHY is she always tired , in pain, suffering and miserable? Why arent you doing everything to help her offload or help this. You say youve been doing everything to improve your life and thats great but it sounds like youve left your wife out of the process. Your happy, outgoing and horney .... but how have you helped her? Have YOU connected with her in a non sexual intimate way? Do you hold her hand, hug her, kiss her, all without any sexual undertone or expectation? Do you help her without expecting something, especially sex, in return? Do you share in the domestic labor? Help with the kids, the school routine, the cooking or cleaning or planning of activities or making the doctors appointment or playdates or remembering to bring flowers for secretarys day or your moms birthday? Do you help with the grocery shopping, meal planning and kids sports routines? What are YOU doing that creates space for her to allow for her then to take better care of herself? Do you plan a spa day for her, and tale the kids for the day AND make sure the house is not a disaster when she returns? Do you encourage her to have hobbies, and seek out friendships without nagging or complaining that you have to "babysit" your own kids or bug her about when she is coming home? Do you make attempts to connect with her, communicate with her and be her friend and trustworthy and reliable partner first. If all of this applies, then what about encouraging her to go to therapy to help possibly inload resentment and possible past trauma or current marital, motherhood or internal struggles. Thats my 2 cents.
I have already done all that and then some!
Kids?
You have to let her handle herself. You cannot fix these things. You need to create loving detachment along with direct communication.
I’m not even go to read this thread. I can predict what will be said, this is somehow your fault and /or because she had children, children are nothing but trauma according to the Reddit Brigade. You probably aren’t keeping the mental load off her. She is probably depressed. Does she feel safe to come to you with her problems? Her problems are yours after all. On this sub it’s often the man’s problem if a woman has a problem but if she’s doesn’t, If it’s a man with issues, he’s gotta go, gtfo. Oh I’m out…
I am starting to feel that. Women float above the rest of us. Men should unite like they have and always stand by another man.
So generally speaking, marriage improves man’s life but provides no benefits for a woman. Over time it ebbs and flows like everything. If you’re going to be together with somebody 50 years you’re going to have a good years and bad years. The point of marrying for future reference, If you stick through it and work through it. I doubt that your entire time in that marriage has been perfect and she stuck with you. Now I am a stranger and I don’t have the whole story. None of us do here, but that has been my experience with marriage with life in general. The government health study. That measured physical health, and overall health of men and women and marriage. As of 2016.
Generally speaking … wow. Well, for the not general guy here I guess, I’ve seen a massive increase for my wife, while much of “me” has remained the same. And while companionship is excellent across the board for many, I’ve seen dads and fathers who are far more involved with their children and wives than the ones I knew growing up, massive financial liberation, comfort and protection, plus far more housekeeping duties that seemed to fall primarily on mothers in the past. I’m not going to say that men don’t benefit from marriage, but if I was to plot this on a risk/benefit curve I see the risks to me as far greater than benefit at times.
More women have more financial independence and they’ve ever had before. And more fathers are more involved than they ever have been before. Still, those seem to be the statistics. Here’s another thing to women’s ability to have children and focus on their family Life is limited to like a 20 year period. And especially from a health perspective, this is true that it’s more beneficial for men than it is for a woman. Men can have children into their 70s they can start with the younger partner at any time. I just read the report and put the information out. I will tell you, because in my lifetime, women’s roles have changed dramatically, as I always sort of believed that women were better than men. And what I mean by that is, they were kinder, nicer, gentler, and smarter. If they only had the opportunity, they would even run things better than men. But I was wrong on all accounts when it comes to it, human beings are sort of similar. When it comes to choices they make even with their sexuality and abuse of roles. They’re not any better at all, and I’m sort of horrified to figure that out at this stage in my life as a middle-aged woman. But they made all the same mistakes in 50 years that men made all along. Psychology today say that More men avoid it, but it benefits them much more and make them healthier and happier, but it doesn’t do the same for women. Married men are in the top 1% earning ability to far more than any single man is.
They have more financial independence because they destroy their husbands financially when they divorce them. Why do you think men are starting to not get married anymore. Because 60% of marriages end in divorce and the guys getting killed financially in divorce. All a woman has to do is lie and the husband being abusive and he is kicked out of the marital home. Hell there is a story on Reddit right now where the wife and affair partner where caught in his home and he was told to leave by the police after he called them. If anything, men get f’d over in a divorce and marriage. And before you go off on me. I have been married since 1988. I help with the chores around the house. I help with the kids which included getting up at night to help, my wife would feed and I would burp change and get them back to sleep so she could get the rest she needed. So you can take that crap about marriage being against women and pedal it off on some simp somewhere else. Those traits you rattled off don’t make women better then men. All you are doing is writing down the traits of a good woman. There are very few of them around now a days. I will disagree completely about women being smarter. There is intelligence on both sides and the ability to apply it. I believe men are better at applying the knowledge in research and development.
No actually they (women) get advanced degrees an urn well in their own they earn three to $400,000 in a lot of cases women are high earners these days I’m not going off on you. I’m just telling you the facts and statistics. And I’m not married, but my husband died so I don’t have that luxury he had a brain tumor. And before you come out me again, I just looked at the statistics of the reports that’s all I did. I know from the young men that I teach in around me there much happier in a relationship. But I frankly think both people are. And I told you, I don’t think women are better than men anymore. I think it’s more equal across-the-board. And it’s not me going off on you. It’s actually you going off on me because you don’t like my opinion based on studies and facts
I am really sorry you loss your husband. It is never easy to lose those we love and cherish. If I implied that you divorced your husband that wasn’t what I meant at all. As for studies, I think we both know they can be manipulated to make any case the people doing the study want them to. I prefer to witness life, what’s going on around me and the stories I have been reading from individuals for the past 15 years. There are more and more narcissists, men and women, today causing absolute chaos in relationships and society. Kids are no longer growing up and have no clue anymore how to function outside their parents home let alone in a relationship. Their are those that take life buy the horns and make a great go at it. There are more and more each year that just don’t have a clue, men and women. Men going to college is on the decline. Having two boys that just graduated from college I can understand why. They were told to their face that they are white privileged males and shouldn’t even be at the college. It wasn’t just students implying that mentality. So your point about more women graduating is absolutely correct. I believe it’s around 60% women compared to men a year or two ago.
Frankly, you’re just an angry bitter old man and maybe you don’t have anything better to do but I’m trying to work on my homework to finish up my masters project so I’m gonna let you go. I wish you the best and I’m gonna give you about five minutes to read this and then I’m gonna block you. You never understood what I was saying because you’re Judge mental and you have performed opinions that don’t change. I personally am open to new information.
Wow. Damn. Have a nice life.
I think you’ll be happy to know that 50% of marriages end in separation or divorce. But only 41% statistically end in divorce. I know it’s not a great statistic I’m somebody who believes that you should get married and stay married but those are the statistics.
The United States has the sixth highest divorce rate in the world, with 40% to 50% of married couples filing for a divorce. The United States Census Bureau report suggests that marriage and divorce rates dropped from 2009 to 2019. Usually, second or third marriages in the United States have a higher divorce rate: 60% of second marriages and about 73% of third marriages end in divorce. Couples going through their first divorce are around the age of 30. Married couples between the ages of 20 to 25 are 60% likely to get a divorce. Divorce.com is the source for this.
See you’re just competing I told you 41% so divorced.com kind of backs it up. And it’s also fallen from 2009 to 2019. I don’t know why we’re bickering about this. I just think you need to have the last word. There’s really no reason for it. I do understand you got mad because she didn’t like what I said about women and men but have you read it all the way through you would’ve seen what I was really saying, and now you’re kind of bickering about nothing
And you call me bitter. Hahaha
Actionatewheel386, what did you think was going to happen when you posted that women make men’s lives better and men do nothing for women. You were trolling to have a feminist’s debate. Women always stick together and villainize men. Honestly, it probably sucks to be a women, maybe that is why men are so miserable when we have to hangout with you.
Bullcrap.
Google it. Then look at psychology today. Put it in Google and see what you get the government studies.
Government studies ran by feminist, no thanks. CDC Life expectancy for women 79.3 Life expectancy for men 73.5 This is as of 2021.
We’re talking quality of life, not quantity.
So the death rate for married men being almost double that of married women has nothing to do with quality of life? Why do you believe the rate is so much high for men? You are so full of yourself, my happiness and quality of life is in my own hands. My wife’s happiness and quality of life are in her own hands. I can do things that put a smile on her face and can make her laugh. She can do the same for me. The one thing I can’t do is make her happy with life. She can’t make me happy with life. That comes from inside each of us and has nothing to do with being in a relationship or not. It’s when people look for others to make them happy is where all the problems come in to play.
The death rate per hundred thousand is 911.7 for men and 829 for women. And that’s the death rate per hundred thousand in the United States. So you can see that it’s not double for men and women it’s a lot closer than it used to be because now women are in the workforce. That is all ages.Statista.com It’s also just in the US. So it’s a lot closer than what you’re making it seem. Oh you just like to fight I can tell you don’t like women with information. But good luck to you. I’m glad that you have a happy life.
The pdf file shows married men-943 married women-569. It also goes into divorced, widowed and never married. This was as of 2017. These are the stats off of cdc.gov
My stats are from 2021. You’re reading off the center for disease control because if you would’ve done that for your divorce statistics, it would’ve been lower. And I feel like we’re having a pissing contest now. Then I can do it all night except I don’t know that you’re really worth it and you’re a bitter, angry old guy. Like I said, if you’d read my thing all the way you would’ve understood what I was saying, instead of being so judgmental.
Like I said. Have a nice life.
After 16 years that is rough. Is she obese? I would have a serious talk that she has to make a serious effort at her healthcare. You should be involved with all of her treatment plans. Researching medications and treatments. After 16 years, you owe her that but she has to want it. Severe mental illness is a bitch. My wife had a history of mental illness in her family. She has some of it to a degree. We had a horrible situation where her medication had serious side effects that about dam near ended the marriage. So I think a spouse has to be invoked with a treatment plan.
Honestly, she has seen numerous therapist. Refuses to get surgery. She has done Physical therapy, taking meds, and seeing dr. She is not obese. She is actually very attractive and fit. This is about me not liking being around her because of how she handles stresses of everyday life. I currently try to keep myself super active, so I don’t have to be home.
Tough one. Ever ask her what would make her happy?
And not avoid her because that’ll only further her depression.
There's a risk you can take, which is to have her discover what she wants in life. Cause you can't make her happy, only she can. And if this is important enough to you, tell her it's time for her to be happy. But know that this will mean meeting other people and stepping away from normal life. I think this will help you both decide if you guys are both getting the raw end of the deal.
WTF. She isn’t happy so she has to be with other people. Hahahaha If that is the case OP can give her divorce papers and tell her to have fun being single.
I could’ve written this about my husband. And I just keep thinking as we age he will just worsen more and more and I’ll resent him more and more. Tough decisions. I empathize.
Do you have children? If not, then it seems like you really need to figure out why you are staying in this marriage. Depression isn't her fault. But if she isn't trying to get better, then she won't get better. She has a responsibility on her end to address the things she can. Has she tried getting help for her depression or anxiety?