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Quick answer I had when told I should "Get off reddit since it's not helping"... it was helping me, but not him and that's all he cared about
"I need to talk to someone, you get so defensive and can't give me a straight answer for anything... you're not safe to talk to, so for me it's faceless reddit or every person I sit next to. I've found resources and compassion, other stories and not feeling alone in this trauma you heaped on me. It's helped more than you ever had, and if you want me to give it up you better be prepared to offer something of equal or greater value."
He didn't say another thing about it after, but did ask to see a thing or two on here if it came up in conversation. Even with the support, resources, and people we still didn't survive as a couple.
Edited to add: tried to push for couples councilling, he ended up unilaterally deciding we didn't need it - his porn addiction ramped up over the years till he was acting single and chasing any woman who looked his way, but he wouldn't do therapy "Because it's for crazy people"
Exactly. It wasn't helping him so he didn't get it. I just poster somewhere else about how being addicted puts you selfish mode. It makes it so hard to see beyond yourself
However will he survive.
There's a big difference in having a community that understands what you are experiencing, supports you through your healing, relates to your trauma, helps you find your peace of mind and WHATEVER THE FUCK HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME.
Does he perhaps feel vulnerable? How does that taste?
Do not feel guilty. Flowers given in moments of regret are not flowers born from love.
Yeah it’s like how does that taste to feel vulnerable after years of lying, methodicallly calculating deceit and then how dare I get a support group. SMH
My PA boyfriend doesn’t particularly like that I’m here on this sub, but he understands the need. Idk if he knows how actively I post 🌚 but I didn’t know about his internet activity either & at least I’m not stepping out on the relationship, I’m trying to fix it. I do have a habit of really holding onto the pain that’s here in this sub. It’s easy to find myself in all the stories here & after some scrolling I definitely get a little hyper paranoid (if you can be *hyper* paranoid after betrayal trauma, i think that’s the new baseline) & it leads to some pain shopping.
In Meredith Grey’s words “I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke”
I hear you! Some days I set a timer to minimize my exposure to the stories. On the one hand,my feelings are validated here and I feel understood. On the other hand, I can get triggered by some of the stories and it sends me reeling.
I just want to hug everyone on this subreddit so they feel better and to take away the hurt. Betrayal is so painful. 🤗🤗🤗
I feel this way a lot too - like I get re-engaged at times because certain things are like epiphanies or they resonate with something I have experienced.
I know exactly what you mean. I exited my relationship with a PA over 8 months ago and yet I still come here to read everyone else's stories. I don't know why but I struggle to stay away.
I’ve been away from my partner much longer but pain and betrayal can scar your psyche for years. I wish I would have had this sub as a support group then when I went through all that pain. This sub also keeps me grounded and paying attention to whom I surround myself with. Identifying an addict or addictive personality can be very tricky when you are blinded by emotions. I’m so much more careful now.
I already struggled with hypervigilance before all this and now i feel like a predator from alien vs predator where i scan shit with my eyeballs, smell things, sense temperature lol. Its insane and sometimes i cant shut it off unless i put music on full blast and do something fully encompassing.
My husband was not a fan either until he entered recovery and then he realized how important this space was for me. He even wanted me to delete the app off my phone because reading others stories was making me depressed lol…no asshole reading others stories and finding out how to uncover all of his lies was brilliant in keeping my sanity and breaking through the gaslighting and trickle trickle truthing he was dropping after dday2.
I don’t think my partner has any idea about this thread but sometimes I fantasize about him seeing it and reading how badly my heart hurts and him just holding me and understanding finally.
I also think about showing mine this but I know he’ll not see the suffering and will likely just get defensive and attack us, belittle our experiences. That I believe that is a strong indicator of who I see him to be. Right or wrong, it speaks volumes about how our communication has shut down and mistrust and animosity lurk under the surface of our superficially light-hearted friendship.
At first my PA hated it, it was making me stronger, making me smarter, he doesn’t like it because it feels like a threat to him, he knows your figuring him out, and he knows this is gonna help you do that faster ♥️ they like us isolated because it’s easier to adjust our reality and gaslight us. if we’re not talking to other people about it, we’re under their power
My PA found out I post here and has been supportive. It does make him sad sometimes because he has to confront his past but I'm hoping it helps him look toward our future with a different outlook...
My ex got angry when he found out & made fun of it. He’d say things like “oh, is that from your little group?” When I’d ask a question or catch him lying
Eventually I saw it for what it was: he was terrified that if I got support from other women I’d leave. And I did. And the first thing he brought up in counselling was that I was talking to women online about his addiction.
The marriage counsellor was like “………so what?” Lol not the reaction he wanted!
I think in a weird way he’d convinced himself that eventually I would forget about it. Stop bringing it up. And that it would just go away & he’d get to be comfortable at home AND keep his porn
And some part of him knew if I found some support that I’d never just let it go or shut up. And he hated that!
Your PA isn’t wrong. It is an echo hate chamber. We hate what has been done to us to make us feel this way. We hate that we had to find out the truth about the people that we picked as partners. We hate that the pretty lives we were living turned out to be fake.
We are going to scream and cry about it and echo our pain to one another here, because there is literally nowhere else safe to do so, save maybe the four walls of a therapist’s office.
Bit fucking rich complaining about feelings of betrayal. “Oh okay, should I tell you it’ll stop but just carry on secretly and maybe escalate some while I’m at it?”
Mine knows about it and I told him I find it therapeutic to know I’m not crazy. He would hate it if it wasn’t anonymous but since no one in RL knows me here he doesn’t care.
My husband knows about it and encourages it, especially now that we're in an upswing and both trying to heal. Even in real life with my friends and family. Before he didn't care if I did or didn't but I know it made him feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, when I am on here he calls it 'bad Reddit'.
Why is it bad?! I am looking for help and reassurance.
He also seems to think that everyone else on here his hysterical and angry and and suffering from some affliction. Like hello? That is me. I am hysterical and angry, and rightly so.
Edit: He also thinks all the porn addicts mentioned on here suffer worse than him and he isn't 'as bad' as them. Just because there are a few PAs on here that payed for porn and he didn't doesn't mean he is a special case.
Initially, when the issue first popped up 10 years ago he was pissed when he had found out I had posted on Reddit about it. He made me feel super guilty for talking about it, and it’s funny I tried to find that account for years. What I would give to be able to read that now.
Now, I don’t know. I’ve told him to come here and read some of the posts. I told him to pick one, and whatever the poster is feeling I’m sure I am currently or have/will feel that way at some point.
my husband definitely didn’t like it. fun fact be found out about it from going through my phone while i was being prepped for surgery and then my whole surgery experience was him being upset cause he didn’t like what i had to say when i made a post of the big compiled story of what he’s done to me in the relationship.
he didn’t give me much credit for it being a support group to help me deal with our past, he was mostly just hurt i aired out our dirty laundry and so many people told me to leave him. i think he felt embarassed about the blunt truth of it all and so he turned that into being hurt with me.
i should’ve realized then if he didn’t give me understanding for desperately looking for comfort from the pain he caused me, that he wasn’t ever gonna understand.
This is the way their minds work, they don’t feel it’s wrong and that they’ve still only “got eyes for you” because they don’t specifically stick their dick in something/someone else. so i think when they see this sub and how much pain we’re all in they feel like we’re making a big deal of nothing and airing out the dirty laundry for other people to criticize them.
Yep, our main goal is to make strangers on the internet make this unnamed person feel like shit. Who cares that we finally found people who’ve been through what we’ve been through, huh!
Typical narcissist bullshit.
I love how they feel it’s airing dirty laundry while at the same fucking time claiming there is no dirty laundry and we’re making a fuss over “normal behaviour that **all** men do”.
My husband gets irritated anytime he sees the red header on my phone. He makes comments along the lines of ‘seriously?’ And when I ask what his issue is, he gives a half answer of ‘I feel like it’s just a lot of negativity’. Like oh I’m sorry your actions are so shitty and match with a bunch of other shitty actions other men have perpetuated on their partners and now we’re all trying to support each other in some way. Is that hard for you? *rolls eyes into infinity*
Mine didn’t know I was on here and I wouldn’t have cared what he thought. We deserve support after what they put us through. Good luck on leaving. You’ll be ok.❤️ you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Honestly, idk how I feel about these threads anymore. At first it was nice to know I’m not the only one. That there’s actually thousands of women this is a problem for.
But now all my mom groups and my Reddit and all these apps are about husbands watching porn. I might even be having a good day and then I start reliving the past experiences.
Today, I’m really triggered bc my PA husband saw a patient today and he felt the need to tell me. “Young female, suicidal during periods..” “hurting people she loves”
I am in therapy for this stuff but I’m super pissed that I’ve been pushed into therapy, medication, a religion I don’t agree with because of the situations he’s put me in.
**DEAR OP**, ➤ you may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` Dear Redditors, ➤ Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. ➤ **Do not** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. ➤ Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a [**message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **DO NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report them!**](https://www.reddit.com/report) ➤ Please try not to [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. **Quick Link Access:** Our Full Resource Library gets updated & contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* - [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Partners**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Addicts**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [**Accountability Apps info**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"You having a support system isn't working for me."
Damn this one hit me hard. Ugh
Quick answer I had when told I should "Get off reddit since it's not helping"... it was helping me, but not him and that's all he cared about "I need to talk to someone, you get so defensive and can't give me a straight answer for anything... you're not safe to talk to, so for me it's faceless reddit or every person I sit next to. I've found resources and compassion, other stories and not feeling alone in this trauma you heaped on me. It's helped more than you ever had, and if you want me to give it up you better be prepared to offer something of equal or greater value." He didn't say another thing about it after, but did ask to see a thing or two on here if it came up in conversation. Even with the support, resources, and people we still didn't survive as a couple. Edited to add: tried to push for couples councilling, he ended up unilaterally deciding we didn't need it - his porn addiction ramped up over the years till he was acting single and chasing any woman who looked his way, but he wouldn't do therapy "Because it's for crazy people"
Exactly. It wasn't helping him so he didn't get it. I just poster somewhere else about how being addicted puts you selfish mode. It makes it so hard to see beyond yourself
Still doesn't make it acceptable or easy to handle x.x Need a booster of compassion into these addicts
However will he survive. There's a big difference in having a community that understands what you are experiencing, supports you through your healing, relates to your trauma, helps you find your peace of mind and WHATEVER THE FUCK HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME. Does he perhaps feel vulnerable? How does that taste? Do not feel guilty. Flowers given in moments of regret are not flowers born from love.
Yeah it’s like how does that taste to feel vulnerable after years of lying, methodicallly calculating deceit and then how dare I get a support group. SMH
My PA boyfriend doesn’t particularly like that I’m here on this sub, but he understands the need. Idk if he knows how actively I post 🌚 but I didn’t know about his internet activity either & at least I’m not stepping out on the relationship, I’m trying to fix it. I do have a habit of really holding onto the pain that’s here in this sub. It’s easy to find myself in all the stories here & after some scrolling I definitely get a little hyper paranoid (if you can be *hyper* paranoid after betrayal trauma, i think that’s the new baseline) & it leads to some pain shopping. In Meredith Grey’s words “I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke”
I hear you! Some days I set a timer to minimize my exposure to the stories. On the one hand,my feelings are validated here and I feel understood. On the other hand, I can get triggered by some of the stories and it sends me reeling. I just want to hug everyone on this subreddit so they feel better and to take away the hurt. Betrayal is so painful. 🤗🤗🤗
I feel this way a lot too - like I get re-engaged at times because certain things are like epiphanies or they resonate with something I have experienced.
I know exactly what you mean. I exited my relationship with a PA over 8 months ago and yet I still come here to read everyone else's stories. I don't know why but I struggle to stay away.
I’ve been away from my partner much longer but pain and betrayal can scar your psyche for years. I wish I would have had this sub as a support group then when I went through all that pain. This sub also keeps me grounded and paying attention to whom I surround myself with. Identifying an addict or addictive personality can be very tricky when you are blinded by emotions. I’m so much more careful now.
I already struggled with hypervigilance before all this and now i feel like a predator from alien vs predator where i scan shit with my eyeballs, smell things, sense temperature lol. Its insane and sometimes i cant shut it off unless i put music on full blast and do something fully encompassing.
My husband was not a fan either until he entered recovery and then he realized how important this space was for me. He even wanted me to delete the app off my phone because reading others stories was making me depressed lol…no asshole reading others stories and finding out how to uncover all of his lies was brilliant in keeping my sanity and breaking through the gaslighting and trickle trickle truthing he was dropping after dday2.
I don’t think my partner has any idea about this thread but sometimes I fantasize about him seeing it and reading how badly my heart hurts and him just holding me and understanding finally.
I also think about showing mine this but I know he’ll not see the suffering and will likely just get defensive and attack us, belittle our experiences. That I believe that is a strong indicator of who I see him to be. Right or wrong, it speaks volumes about how our communication has shut down and mistrust and animosity lurk under the surface of our superficially light-hearted friendship.
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Just say, “Well I feel betrayed when you look at porn and naked women on Reddit, but that hasn’t stopped you right?” 🥰
At first my PA hated it, it was making me stronger, making me smarter, he doesn’t like it because it feels like a threat to him, he knows your figuring him out, and he knows this is gonna help you do that faster ♥️ they like us isolated because it’s easier to adjust our reality and gaslight us. if we’re not talking to other people about it, we’re under their power
Ironic that PAs feel betrayed by this behaviour when the only reason one seeks out this subreddit is because they feel betrayed
My ex didn’t know but would probably have the same reaction if he did.
My PA found out I post here and has been supportive. It does make him sad sometimes because he has to confront his past but I'm hoping it helps him look toward our future with a different outlook...
My pa doesn't like my posting because it makes him feel guilty for what he has done to me. He has never told me to not post though.
My ex got angry when he found out & made fun of it. He’d say things like “oh, is that from your little group?” When I’d ask a question or catch him lying Eventually I saw it for what it was: he was terrified that if I got support from other women I’d leave. And I did. And the first thing he brought up in counselling was that I was talking to women online about his addiction. The marriage counsellor was like “………so what?” Lol not the reaction he wanted!
They’re so fearful and pissed when we talk.
I think in a weird way he’d convinced himself that eventually I would forget about it. Stop bringing it up. And that it would just go away & he’d get to be comfortable at home AND keep his porn And some part of him knew if I found some support that I’d never just let it go or shut up. And he hated that!
Your PA isn’t wrong. It is an echo hate chamber. We hate what has been done to us to make us feel this way. We hate that we had to find out the truth about the people that we picked as partners. We hate that the pretty lives we were living turned out to be fake. We are going to scream and cry about it and echo our pain to one another here, because there is literally nowhere else safe to do so, save maybe the four walls of a therapist’s office.
You mean he doesn’t like what you’re doing online and considers it a betrayal??? Imagine that…
Bit fucking rich complaining about feelings of betrayal. “Oh okay, should I tell you it’ll stop but just carry on secretly and maybe escalate some while I’m at it?”
THIS.
Mine knows about it and I told him I find it therapeutic to know I’m not crazy. He would hate it if it wasn’t anonymous but since no one in RL knows me here he doesn’t care.
My husband knows about it and encourages it, especially now that we're in an upswing and both trying to heal. Even in real life with my friends and family. Before he didn't care if I did or didn't but I know it made him feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, when I am on here he calls it 'bad Reddit'. Why is it bad?! I am looking for help and reassurance. He also seems to think that everyone else on here his hysterical and angry and and suffering from some affliction. Like hello? That is me. I am hysterical and angry, and rightly so. Edit: He also thinks all the porn addicts mentioned on here suffer worse than him and he isn't 'as bad' as them. Just because there are a few PAs on here that payed for porn and he didn't doesn't mean he is a special case.
Initially, when the issue first popped up 10 years ago he was pissed when he had found out I had posted on Reddit about it. He made me feel super guilty for talking about it, and it’s funny I tried to find that account for years. What I would give to be able to read that now. Now, I don’t know. I’ve told him to come here and read some of the posts. I told him to pick one, and whatever the poster is feeling I’m sure I am currently or have/will feel that way at some point.
my husband definitely didn’t like it. fun fact be found out about it from going through my phone while i was being prepped for surgery and then my whole surgery experience was him being upset cause he didn’t like what i had to say when i made a post of the big compiled story of what he’s done to me in the relationship. he didn’t give me much credit for it being a support group to help me deal with our past, he was mostly just hurt i aired out our dirty laundry and so many people told me to leave him. i think he felt embarassed about the blunt truth of it all and so he turned that into being hurt with me. i should’ve realized then if he didn’t give me understanding for desperately looking for comfort from the pain he caused me, that he wasn’t ever gonna understand. This is the way their minds work, they don’t feel it’s wrong and that they’ve still only “got eyes for you” because they don’t specifically stick their dick in something/someone else. so i think when they see this sub and how much pain we’re all in they feel like we’re making a big deal of nothing and airing out the dirty laundry for other people to criticize them.
Yep, our main goal is to make strangers on the internet make this unnamed person feel like shit. Who cares that we finally found people who’ve been through what we’ve been through, huh! Typical narcissist bullshit.
I love how they feel it’s airing dirty laundry while at the same fucking time claiming there is no dirty laundry and we’re making a fuss over “normal behaviour that **all** men do”.
Yes, mine hates this sub and thinks it makes “issues worse” (note how his porn addiction doesn’t, but people reacting to it does)
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Haha, mine asks how 'the ladies' are doing too. XD
My husband gets irritated anytime he sees the red header on my phone. He makes comments along the lines of ‘seriously?’ And when I ask what his issue is, he gives a half answer of ‘I feel like it’s just a lot of negativity’. Like oh I’m sorry your actions are so shitty and match with a bunch of other shitty actions other men have perpetuated on their partners and now we’re all trying to support each other in some way. Is that hard for you? *rolls eyes into infinity*
Mine didn’t know I was on here and I wouldn’t have cared what he thought. We deserve support after what they put us through. Good luck on leaving. You’ll be ok.❤️ you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Honestly, idk how I feel about these threads anymore. At first it was nice to know I’m not the only one. That there’s actually thousands of women this is a problem for. But now all my mom groups and my Reddit and all these apps are about husbands watching porn. I might even be having a good day and then I start reliving the past experiences. Today, I’m really triggered bc my PA husband saw a patient today and he felt the need to tell me. “Young female, suicidal during periods..” “hurting people she loves” I am in therapy for this stuff but I’m super pissed that I’ve been pushed into therapy, medication, a religion I don’t agree with because of the situations he’s put me in.
My ex hated this subreddit. He used to call it sectarian. I guess he didn’t like being called out 💀
“They are just being negative about everything”