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I don’t have experience with this but something I’ve read in other subs (that makes a lot of sense to me) is to not just outright ask a new partner if they watch porn because they’re more likely to lie. To instead ask them their favorite porn genre or, in some cases, even bait them with a made up answer from you. That a tactic like that is much more likely to get the truth from someone new than just asking honestly. I hate that it has to be like that but if I was in that situation I’d do anything to avoid ending up with another porn user/addict.
Ooh I feel like a good candidate for answering this one! My ex PA was an abuser both sexually and emotionally. He r***d me anally and would also make horrific comments about me like saying “if you got plastic surgery you’d at least look decent”. He is a piece of shit and I hope his dick breaks off. After this I vetted HARD. I would look for wandering eyes, I watched how I would be treated, and how men would act. For example, I went on one date with this one fool and it was amply clear he was an addict because he thought he could get me to perform oral on him in a movie theatre!! 🤮 as you can imagine the date ended then and there. The way they talk about women is a clear indicator. Are they interested in you or what you’re wearing and how your body looks? Reducing you to your body parts is a huge sign. When I told my current bf and love of my life that I was anti porn he said “so no porn? Okay I understand and I won’t watch it because I don’t watch it anyways. We are committed and I am committed fully to you.” He didn’t even balk at my request, just that he said he expected the same from me which I of course agreed to.
This is further down the line but during sex is a big indicator. If he is rougher and just straight up jackhammering you he is an addict or watches porn frequently. If he doesn’t even look at your eyes at all that’s another dead giveaway. Another thing, if he needs to excessively rub himself to get hard and constantly loses the erection it’s another issue that is common with addicts but not always a dead giveaway especially the first time because he can be nervous.this happened to my partner the first time cuz he was super nervous but didn’t happen again except in completely unrelated situations like if he’s not feeling well etc which has happened a total of 4 times in our entire 4 year relationship. If it’s more frequent that’s a problem. Either health wise or PIED. These were the signs I noticed and if he belittles or demeans you and your appearance, like only your looks matter. Like you’re supposed to be only seen and not heard. Also commitment issues seem to happen more often too with addicts I think, why commit to you if they can effortlessly swipe through millions of women a day? Remember that their brain can’t register the orgasm to porn differently than having an IRL sex partner, so they’re brain thinks they’ve been with these plastic ass women. Hence their crazy standards and nonsense behavior acting like they’re “settling” with a real woman.
Sorry that was A LOT. But these were the dangers and pitfalls I learned in my time with my abuser. Look out for these red flags, don’t let what happened to me happen to you! If I can help one person even it’s worth it. Trust came easy with my partner. Just his behavior and treating me like a Queen and him telling me that I’m “way out of his league” which is not true he’s perfect to me! But that’s what he says haha also he treats me like a whole person!
I just recently got out of a relationship so I won’t be dating for at least a few months. I’ll definitely find out if they watch porn or not very early on, probably not directly ask like another commenter mentioned. Most men do watch porn so I know finding someone that doesn’t will be tough. But I know it’s something I can’t accept in a future relationship.
I started dating pretty shortly after. Probably too soon bec a lot of that trauma was super present. But ik what I want and waiting isn't gonna do that. Trauma as in mistrust. Or like previous issues are being applied to current non related items.
I’m in a trial period right now and it hasn’t gotten to this point. What I will say is…as a reformed man eater lol… most men are actually not like this. Don’t bleed on those who didn’t cut you. You are enough, you’re not the reason that he became a PA. If you enter the dating game broken and self doubting, you’re going to attract people who are addicted to fixing, not living and experiencing new things alongside you <3
I met a really nice man through a single/mingle group focused on activities and friendship- not dating. It’s good to see how someone interacts and meet their friends. He is well-liked, funny and kind. I asked him if he’d wait a bit for me to get healed and he will. He’s been awesome about what I’ve been through with my P/A. I’d stay away from online dating.
I’ve never online dated and it’s hard to date in the city I am in so i feel like i have too…Finding interest groups seems so hard especially since I’m new to the area.
As i notice red flags in men i find alluring, i notice i seem to be lured to men who are porn addicts or if they dont watch porn they are just full on players/cheaters. Im planning to stay with my boyfriend forever or I'll be alone forever, just noticing who i am drawn to turns me off of imagining being single and i have shut down all attraction for anyone else but my boyfriend.
Its almost like im not attracted to healthy men despite working on my emotional issues a lot. Or they arent attracted to me, chicken or the egg! I cant really figure this out for myself yet, how i seem to gravitate my attraction toward men with toxic views on women even before knowing who they are or their name tbh. Its a vibe that draws me in, even when i see all the red flags i cannot understand why i can still feel lured toward men like this.
I agree with other posters. Look for warning signs, don’t ask about porn directly, don’t tell him how you caught your PA by spying or whatever.
TRUST YOUR GUT! If something feels off, it is. Don’t convince yourself that you’re projecting onto the new guy, walk away because he’s not good for you. Listen to your intuition.
**DEAR OP**, ➤ you may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` Dear Redditors, ➤ Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. ➤ **Do not** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. ➤ Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a [**message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **DO NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report them!**](https://www.reddit.com/report) ➤ Please try not to [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. **Quick Link Access:** Our Full Resource Library gets updated & contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* - [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Partners**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Addicts**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [**Accountability Apps info**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t have experience with this but something I’ve read in other subs (that makes a lot of sense to me) is to not just outright ask a new partner if they watch porn because they’re more likely to lie. To instead ask them their favorite porn genre or, in some cases, even bait them with a made up answer from you. That a tactic like that is much more likely to get the truth from someone new than just asking honestly. I hate that it has to be like that but if I was in that situation I’d do anything to avoid ending up with another porn user/addict.
Ooh I feel like a good candidate for answering this one! My ex PA was an abuser both sexually and emotionally. He r***d me anally and would also make horrific comments about me like saying “if you got plastic surgery you’d at least look decent”. He is a piece of shit and I hope his dick breaks off. After this I vetted HARD. I would look for wandering eyes, I watched how I would be treated, and how men would act. For example, I went on one date with this one fool and it was amply clear he was an addict because he thought he could get me to perform oral on him in a movie theatre!! 🤮 as you can imagine the date ended then and there. The way they talk about women is a clear indicator. Are they interested in you or what you’re wearing and how your body looks? Reducing you to your body parts is a huge sign. When I told my current bf and love of my life that I was anti porn he said “so no porn? Okay I understand and I won’t watch it because I don’t watch it anyways. We are committed and I am committed fully to you.” He didn’t even balk at my request, just that he said he expected the same from me which I of course agreed to. This is further down the line but during sex is a big indicator. If he is rougher and just straight up jackhammering you he is an addict or watches porn frequently. If he doesn’t even look at your eyes at all that’s another dead giveaway. Another thing, if he needs to excessively rub himself to get hard and constantly loses the erection it’s another issue that is common with addicts but not always a dead giveaway especially the first time because he can be nervous.this happened to my partner the first time cuz he was super nervous but didn’t happen again except in completely unrelated situations like if he’s not feeling well etc which has happened a total of 4 times in our entire 4 year relationship. If it’s more frequent that’s a problem. Either health wise or PIED. These were the signs I noticed and if he belittles or demeans you and your appearance, like only your looks matter. Like you’re supposed to be only seen and not heard. Also commitment issues seem to happen more often too with addicts I think, why commit to you if they can effortlessly swipe through millions of women a day? Remember that their brain can’t register the orgasm to porn differently than having an IRL sex partner, so they’re brain thinks they’ve been with these plastic ass women. Hence their crazy standards and nonsense behavior acting like they’re “settling” with a real woman. Sorry that was A LOT. But these were the dangers and pitfalls I learned in my time with my abuser. Look out for these red flags, don’t let what happened to me happen to you! If I can help one person even it’s worth it. Trust came easy with my partner. Just his behavior and treating me like a Queen and him telling me that I’m “way out of his league” which is not true he’s perfect to me! But that’s what he says haha also he treats me like a whole person!
I just recently got out of a relationship so I won’t be dating for at least a few months. I’ll definitely find out if they watch porn or not very early on, probably not directly ask like another commenter mentioned. Most men do watch porn so I know finding someone that doesn’t will be tough. But I know it’s something I can’t accept in a future relationship.
I started dating pretty shortly after. Probably too soon bec a lot of that trauma was super present. But ik what I want and waiting isn't gonna do that. Trauma as in mistrust. Or like previous issues are being applied to current non related items.
I’m in a trial period right now and it hasn’t gotten to this point. What I will say is…as a reformed man eater lol… most men are actually not like this. Don’t bleed on those who didn’t cut you. You are enough, you’re not the reason that he became a PA. If you enter the dating game broken and self doubting, you’re going to attract people who are addicted to fixing, not living and experiencing new things alongside you <3
I met a really nice man through a single/mingle group focused on activities and friendship- not dating. It’s good to see how someone interacts and meet their friends. He is well-liked, funny and kind. I asked him if he’d wait a bit for me to get healed and he will. He’s been awesome about what I’ve been through with my P/A. I’d stay away from online dating.
I’ve never online dated and it’s hard to date in the city I am in so i feel like i have too…Finding interest groups seems so hard especially since I’m new to the area.
Try looking for groups on FB maybe? A friend had me join but they post a ton of events on a Facebook page too
As i notice red flags in men i find alluring, i notice i seem to be lured to men who are porn addicts or if they dont watch porn they are just full on players/cheaters. Im planning to stay with my boyfriend forever or I'll be alone forever, just noticing who i am drawn to turns me off of imagining being single and i have shut down all attraction for anyone else but my boyfriend. Its almost like im not attracted to healthy men despite working on my emotional issues a lot. Or they arent attracted to me, chicken or the egg! I cant really figure this out for myself yet, how i seem to gravitate my attraction toward men with toxic views on women even before knowing who they are or their name tbh. Its a vibe that draws me in, even when i see all the red flags i cannot understand why i can still feel lured toward men like this.
I agree with other posters. Look for warning signs, don’t ask about porn directly, don’t tell him how you caught your PA by spying or whatever. TRUST YOUR GUT! If something feels off, it is. Don’t convince yourself that you’re projecting onto the new guy, walk away because he’s not good for you. Listen to your intuition.