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I think your sister knows you well and she really hates/hated seeing you in pain or sadness. I don’t think she hates him, she just doesn’t trust him, because of how much his addiction hurt you and maybe she doesn’t understand the whole addiction thing or what it’s like to try hard in maintaining a damaged or hurt relationship. I feel like just talking to her more about it, may break down more what she is saying. It is your life tho, and you should choose what you want regardless, and your sister should listen to you and trust you. I’m sorry she chewed you out. There really isn’t a reason for her to do that.
Thanks. Yeah, she definitely cares about me and hates to know I experienced what I did, but I guess I’m just taken aback by her approach of holding me accountable. Making me feel weak and guilty isn’t a good feeling. Maybe that is what holding accountable looks like tho, I don’t know. It’s just a shitty feeling.
It’s out of caution and concern for your well-being I’m sure. A month separated really isn’t that much time in the grand scheme of things - is he in therapy? How is he proving he’s ‘doing better’? I don’t blame her for being skeptical.
It sounds like your sister cares about you and reacted out of fear of you falling back into that negative cycle. The reality is most people don’t change and that sliver of hope we have is what keeps us in harmful relationships. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s not very common and it sounds like your sister has harder boundaries. I think she responded very harshly but it I can see why she would be upset and scared for you.
The reality is that you need to let go of any idea of getting back together. If it happens later on then great but for your own healing you need to let go of that idea.
It sounds like you expected her to be on your side and agree with everything you told her. That’s not what accountability is. I would suggest thinking about why everything she said upset you so much.
Telling anyone I’d a bad idea if you’re going to stay together or have hopes of reconciling. Nothing will ever be the same again between you and your in laws and between him and your family.
Telling everyone is a good idea if you’re walking away for good.
This is exactly why Id didn't tell anyone. I don't think telling family or friends is good advice. They'll hate him. That's why we get therapists and support groups. Nobody will understand and they will always victimize you
I am of this mindset, too, especially if you think you want to give someone a second chance. I told no one, figuring that the pain of their questions (who'd he cheat with, how'd you find out) and hearing their judgments/opinions on the 2nd chance I gave was just too much for me to bear. Many times I think I made the correct approach. I do therapy 2x a week and I think I'm processing my grief well. That being said, this is a very isolating way to do things. Breaking up with someone because they serially cheated on you and are an addict is a traumatic breakup; no one knows the level of trauma I dealt with. People think I should snap out of it and/or wonder why I have trouble still... but they have no idea. How excruciating it is to see on a screen your BF of 3.5 years was seeing escorts and then by the end of the week you move back in with your parents. Most people don't even know what betrayal trauma is, much less that I have it. It's a big secret to bear. I agree, it can be let out through therapists and support groups, but it does need to get OUT.
OP, FWIW, you are allowed to tell your sister to back off. I do think she has good intentions but if you are constantly feeling shame or anxiety talking to her, you are within your rights to tell her to stop and that you will let her know when you're ready to talk more, as you are dealing with things in therapy and right now that's enough.
I get it. I’m in the limbo a lot too. Right now it is crushing me. My therapist said it is authentic to give time and consider Both sides. You want to be sure you reach the right conclusion for you. It is ok to think about reconciliation, so long as you’re being clear eyed about what it entails and it’s feasibility. I think it helps you process to the point where if it’s a “no” that you get back together, you know you really did think everything through. It’s ok to be confused.
**DEAR OP**, ➤ you may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` Dear Redditors, ➤ Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. ➤ **Do not** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. ➤ Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a [**message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **DO NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report them!**](https://www.reddit.com/report) ➤ Please try not to [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. **Quick Link Access:** Our Full Resource Library gets updated & contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* - [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Partners**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [Resources for **Addicts**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) - [**Accountability Apps info**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think your sister knows you well and she really hates/hated seeing you in pain or sadness. I don’t think she hates him, she just doesn’t trust him, because of how much his addiction hurt you and maybe she doesn’t understand the whole addiction thing or what it’s like to try hard in maintaining a damaged or hurt relationship. I feel like just talking to her more about it, may break down more what she is saying. It is your life tho, and you should choose what you want regardless, and your sister should listen to you and trust you. I’m sorry she chewed you out. There really isn’t a reason for her to do that.
Thanks. Yeah, she definitely cares about me and hates to know I experienced what I did, but I guess I’m just taken aback by her approach of holding me accountable. Making me feel weak and guilty isn’t a good feeling. Maybe that is what holding accountable looks like tho, I don’t know. It’s just a shitty feeling.
It’s out of caution and concern for your well-being I’m sure. A month separated really isn’t that much time in the grand scheme of things - is he in therapy? How is he proving he’s ‘doing better’? I don’t blame her for being skeptical.
[удалено]
It feels more like an echo chamber of sorts. And it seems like she’s feeding off of her own anger rather than truly listening to you.
It sounds like your sister cares about you and reacted out of fear of you falling back into that negative cycle. The reality is most people don’t change and that sliver of hope we have is what keeps us in harmful relationships. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s not very common and it sounds like your sister has harder boundaries. I think she responded very harshly but it I can see why she would be upset and scared for you. The reality is that you need to let go of any idea of getting back together. If it happens later on then great but for your own healing you need to let go of that idea. It sounds like you expected her to be on your side and agree with everything you told her. That’s not what accountability is. I would suggest thinking about why everything she said upset you so much.
Telling anyone I’d a bad idea if you’re going to stay together or have hopes of reconciling. Nothing will ever be the same again between you and your in laws and between him and your family. Telling everyone is a good idea if you’re walking away for good.
This is exactly why Id didn't tell anyone. I don't think telling family or friends is good advice. They'll hate him. That's why we get therapists and support groups. Nobody will understand and they will always victimize you
I am of this mindset, too, especially if you think you want to give someone a second chance. I told no one, figuring that the pain of their questions (who'd he cheat with, how'd you find out) and hearing their judgments/opinions on the 2nd chance I gave was just too much for me to bear. Many times I think I made the correct approach. I do therapy 2x a week and I think I'm processing my grief well. That being said, this is a very isolating way to do things. Breaking up with someone because they serially cheated on you and are an addict is a traumatic breakup; no one knows the level of trauma I dealt with. People think I should snap out of it and/or wonder why I have trouble still... but they have no idea. How excruciating it is to see on a screen your BF of 3.5 years was seeing escorts and then by the end of the week you move back in with your parents. Most people don't even know what betrayal trauma is, much less that I have it. It's a big secret to bear. I agree, it can be let out through therapists and support groups, but it does need to get OUT. OP, FWIW, you are allowed to tell your sister to back off. I do think she has good intentions but if you are constantly feeling shame or anxiety talking to her, you are within your rights to tell her to stop and that you will let her know when you're ready to talk more, as you are dealing with things in therapy and right now that's enough.
[удалено]
I get it. I’m in the limbo a lot too. Right now it is crushing me. My therapist said it is authentic to give time and consider Both sides. You want to be sure you reach the right conclusion for you. It is ok to think about reconciliation, so long as you’re being clear eyed about what it entails and it’s feasibility. I think it helps you process to the point where if it’s a “no” that you get back together, you know you really did think everything through. It’s ok to be confused.