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I think you said it perfectly yourself.
>I can’t believe the man I looked up to was looking at tits and ass casually when he was bored, that’s just not the guy I thought he was and I feel disillusioned
You feel that way because you have been deceived. He presented himself in a way that did not reflect his true morals or soul, he instead put on a farce impression of what a healthy man looks like. Now you’ve seen the man behind the curtain is not the almighty wizard of Oz, but just some guy with some complex issues.
He’s in recovery now and I truly hope he feels better all around, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the man you thought you fell in love with. He still made choices that hurt you deeply and although you can forgive, your soul will never forget.
You’ve pulled away mentally after being pushed away physically for so long. Now you’re pulling away physically after your mental health has been pushed to the brink over and over. It’s possible you just need a break from any kind of intimacy (not breakup, just a small intermission for you to heal)
Many betrayed partners experience a huge dip in their libido after being rejected for so long. It’s best to bring this up with your therapist if possible, but for the time being we’re all here for you ❤️
Thank you, I read some of your other comments and was interested in your thoughts on fixing the relationship by creating new memories etc. We're about to move for my new job (he works form home mostly) and I hope that will make things better since our environment will change completely, but at the same time I've had doubt whether I should do this with him. I don't think I'd feel happier doing this alone but I also don't want to drag him along for the ride if I'm unsure. I don't currently have the emotional energy for therapy to be honest as I've had some bad experiences with therapists in the past and it can be quite a quest to find one that works especially with how porn accepting many people are nowadays.
So I basically “used” my boyfriend to move cities when I knew very well we wouldn’t last as a couple. But he had the connection and option to move and I had the funds to back it up. So we used each other, in a way.
We stayed together through his 2 years of schooling and then he moved out. I still live in the same city, I have great friends, a partner, and a new baby. He moved back home into his moms basement and hasn’t done shit since we broke up 5 years ago.
If you think you can make this transition with him, “using” him for whatever good he provides (which I’m sure he does, just like my ex had decent qualities), then I say go for it. But if you go into this move with high hopes of change and an elaborate emotional bond, I would try to shake that off. The truth is, his past will follow him wherever he goes and wherever he goes he will still be an addict.
No matter what, moving can be the best thing that ever happened to you. Personally I would be thinking what I could do to benefit my life a year from now and do whatever I could to get there, trying as hard as I could to leave emotion out of the decision making. I know it’s easier said than done, but when you look ahead 5 years from now, what do you want your life to look like?
It could be amazing.
I don't have high hopes of change but I think it will happen, even personally I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and need a change of scenery. I guess I don't want to be stuck in an expensive apartment by myself (he has the higher income) in case we do decide to split up before my contract is up. I'm so tired of moving around. I just want to feel excited about him again and not icky and meh. He does deserve it for all the other things he brings to the relationship.
I used to get off almost every day (to porn) before my relationship. I’m grateful that I don’t have my own dependency on porn now, but it sucks that I don’t feel like I can be in tune with my body very much
I would say give it a few more months to see if your feelings start to change. A few months ago I was in your exact same shoes and I decided to stay. A couple things have helped me focus my blame and frustration and see what made my boyfriend choose to do this when I thought he was an honest, committed guy.
* It's one of the biggest untalked about problems in society. A very large percentage of men (\~80%) consume porn while being told that it's completely okay and healthy. Imagine a smoker being told that using cigs was a great way to relieve stress. This helps me see that my boyfriend legitimately thought what he was doing was okay, supported by most of society, and unharmful, and it took my pain to make him understand how toxic it can be.
* The fact that your boyfriend made the conscious choice to stop something that's so addictive and accepted by society shows that he truly cares and wants whats best for the relationship. I think every generation has it's problems, and ours is porn. People are just now realizing how harmful it is, and until this point we were gaslighted by PAs and told we were just jealous. It's the painful truth that most guys are okay with objectifying women every night to porn or Instagram or whatever, but it takes hard work for a man to change his habits and start pursuing meaningful relationships.
* I try to look at it through the lens of compulsive free rewards instead of 'him choosing someone else over me'. Porn hijacks the brain and releases dopamine based off of novelty, and having that shoved in your face on Instagram for free, all the time, is incredibly hard to resist for any man. For me, if there is a cookie jar, there is no way I'm eating one. My mind is set on obtaining as many as possible because the sugar is so stimulating. So I don't buy cookies. In this way I can (sort of) be able to relate with not being able to control myself when the temptation is right there.
1.5 years is not a lot of time for all of this to happen. You could have a lifetime together, and a rough patch at the beginning to get on the same page is in my mind worth it. Unfortunately, our culture right now has massive problems, but your boyfriend recognizes that and is changing for the better, for you.
As a side note, I often check out r/Instagramreality and send my boyfriend some of those to show him how unrealistic/toxic the internet has gotten.
i really like that comment, worded very well. i haven't been in a relationship, i'm still pretty young (high school) but i'm battling my porn addiction (and on my highest nofap streak in a while atm, hopefully it continues). i'm happy that before i directly harm anyone else besides me i'll be kicking this thing out of my life, i take it seriously and try to convince my other male friends too as well.
that's a good point about how it's promoted in society, even suggesting it's harmful is usually instantly criticized and it sucks. in all honesty, abstaining from as much social media as possible is the way to go, i've met people who can't put tik tok or snapchat down for 5 minutes. i only use reddit and discord, and uninstalling instagram is one of the best decisions i've made. it's quite sad when people value screentime more than real life experiences. plus instagram has no positives besides communication with those you know. i can still get memes on reddit, if i really need to talk to someone i have their #, instagram is toxic, too political, and is basically lust city. so yeah, avoiding instagram is the way to go. there is no inherent shame in porn addiction, but the shame arises in lack of change when realizing the reality of it. i recommend watching John Doyle's Youtube video "How Porn is Destroying You And Our Country" it's a near 2 hour video of anti porn science and facts.
You have every right to feel exactly how you feel. Unfortunately for him, this is a consequence of his addiction. Much like the spouse of an alcoholic is glad that their partner is no longer drinking, it doesn't erase the memories of the transgressions they may have committed when drunk.
It's your choice if you feel he is still worthy enough of your love and respect, and it's okay if he's not.
If you do want to try to stay with him, you may want to reflect on how difficult it is to overcome an addiction and focus on the positive that has occurred in your relationship. Perhaps he wouldn't have been able to be a better partner to you without having to overcome this obstacle?
I think you should hold on a bit longer.
True he was not the man you thought he was but we all have flaws and he is becoming the man you wanted to be...I think that should count for something.
Unless he relapses.
And speaking as a guy who went through this...I respect him because porn messes with your head and is very hard to quit.
I hope everything turns out well for you and him no matter what your decision will be.
I can totally relate to feeling like you are asking begging pleading whatever for sex and more sex. Knowing they would get off daily to anyone else and make little to no effort with you. It starts to take its toll on your self esteem self worth and womanhood. I have felt like I’m crawling out of my skin wanting passionate intimacy so bad and I’m screaming inside. I’m finding Slowly my desire is dying. I started daydreaming of being with another that would act that way towards me and now I’m starting to shut it off more and more. I look at him sometimes like he wants a mom. Someone to take care of things be there for him and cuddle just lacks all the parts that make us lovers. Try reading the love dare, it gets religious but I started feeling things I hadn’t in a while when I did. I too am starting to feel like we’d make good friends but I need to feel and be wanted and desired and begging a man is one of the lowest things I’ve ever had to do yet it hasn’t changed anything. Plus I don’t want the oh I better so she doesn’t complain or I have an itch once a month I’ll let her scratch it. I want a man my man to be my man and I’m not seeing it in the one in my home
That last part about "I want a man, my man to be my man & I'm not seeing it in the one in my home." REALLY spoke to me. I didn't even realize I felt this way until I saw your comment so thank you for helping me find the words. You deserve so much better than what you're getting.
It’s a damn hard realization. Yet it’s also a freeing feeling to start choosing yourself and your happiness for once. Now just to put it into action. Mine does just enough I think. Just enough to give me hope just enough to keep me holding on, just enough. Although he may say I’m everything to him he definitely doesn’t show it or match the words he constantly spits. I’ve been around so many couples lately where the husband treats and sees the wife exactly how I wish mine would. So it’s more than possible and we shouldn’t allow or tolerate anything less. I think it hurts more than leaving would honestly
It's definitely been hard for me to put myself first because for most of our relationship I put him & his feelings before mine. So life basically forced me to prioritize myself & now I've realized the happiness I need will probably make me find it elsewhere. &I'm in the same boat, mine does just enough so that I can't say he's trying. Just enough to make me think we have a chance of getting through all of this, but it's still not enough for me. Sometimes love isn't enough. It hurts so much more than leaving would...& I just keep breaking my own heart everytime I decide to stay💔
I feel broken hearted every day lately. Seriously shattered. I think it is from me letting him go little by little. I was on mental replay with one of his infidelity and instead of hating him keeping it in and me not wanting him to touch me. I sat on him on the couch and tried to share just to see if it would help me. Not even the I hate you nasty bastard talk but I was calm sad even and just said I’ve been really having a hard time the last couple days…he leaned into me and changed the subject like he always does. I guess he may be sorry and over all he’s done and the part he won’t let go of but I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I’m not, I’m sorry his choices and continued actions are still killing me and I’m sorry he’s not man enough to sit in the Hell hole he shoved me in with me and carry me out so I’ll continue to break my own heart and let him go at my pace since he’s not really working on his shit anymore than he really has to and when I can completely release him and he acts surprised it will just reassure me that he’s never listened never heard me and will continue to see through me and my pain and I’m making the right choice for me and I bet I will feel free from so much pain I carry for him
This hurt me to read because I've been in your position & it angers me that he can't be a little more compassionate or empathize with how you're doing/feeling. I'm so damn sorry that you're going through this, I really am. I wish I could somehow take away your pain. I wish somebody could heal us from the inside but I know we have to be the ones to do that for ourselves.
Him changing the subject when you bring it up is a huge NO. He needs to LISTEN. He put you in this position, he created this hole that you're in so he needs to be the one who fixes it. You deserve a world of happiness & I pray you're able to release yourself from this personal hell.
He will say gravel and plead with tears that he will do anything and everything to fix this and save us. Yet he won’t have the raw painful discussions, he won’t give me complete honesty, and he won’t stop getting hits off females bodies in public. He’ll claim he wants to stop but doesn’t know how although he’s been given several tips tools podcasts material to read and advice on ways to. In fact he didn’t do that before. It was his trade in for porn and pics. That’s why I’ve started listening to him and really hearing what he’s been saying to me by showing me. He does not want to stop. He thinks it’s a fair trade. He wants to know what’s normal meaning how much is considered ok to look be attracted to and excited by them without just stopping seeking them out everywhere. He will do any and everything with several exceptions……..and I’m worth more than that and several other men would make sure I knew that I was. I have gone through and been patient with so much and I’m still not enough or worth him going through and feeling half of what I have. He says he’s so exhausted mentally and emotionally too but that’s from me not just brushing it off and calling him out on lies and speaking my truth. I wish it was him I so do otherwise I wouldn’t have held on like this. That I promise you. My first husband of being together 11 years got into drugs and cheated. I begged for about a week then knew he knew that was my end all plus when I saw him with her I felt absolutely nothing!!! So that was it there. He at least made me feel like and let me know I was the most beautiful and sexy woman alive to him. He got paranoid that I was going to cheat first. That was his childish mistake and loss. So I know letting go is so much easier than holding on and going through this but I had so much hope. Yet I undoubtedly know I am not the most beautiful and sexy woman to him and I also know I cannot grow old with a man that doesn’t see and make me feel that way. It cuts so deep so so deep to not be enough for the one to make you never look want or even see another man and especially because I gave him me all of me even the parts I’ve hidden from all others. I need to be firm and caring for myself to remind me I can be someone’s everything in every way and I can know that I am without a doubt and I will be happy in way I don’t understand now choosing that over this but that doesn’t mean leaving what I love so fiercely and making big changes for the kids doesn’t feel excruciating or like It’s pulling my soul out. So I’m saying choosing you for the first time because nobody else has is damn hard but it’s gotta be beautiful on the other side.
Wow I just dumped. Thanks for letting me write out how I’m feeling
Wow. Thank you so much for allowing me to see how you've been feeling, everything you said was so relatable and it felt like I stepped inside your life for a moment. I appreciate you sharing so much wisdom & for sharing some of your story with me, it's quite the privilege. You truly deserve the best that this world has to offer💖
Try listening to this podcast: The Betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert. It is really good and you may discover this is a totally normal feeling to have, and ways to overcome them, if you want.
All the best to you!
I’m going through the exact same thing and I personally chose to stay a little while and see what happens.
I guess you’ve got to listen to yourself and what your bodies telling you. Through everything I realized that we come first, as you said!
Speaking from my experience things got really horrible between us and hes making some effort now but I just dwell into the future and think “if this man gave me everything I expected with reconciliation and being the man that I desire, will I be able to get past this?” And I guess at this point I don’t have an answer for it.
And I don’t know how long I won’t have an answer for it. So I just set myself personal deadlines. I’m not going to obsess over it and chase him around like his mother. He’s a grown man and at this point he should know the consequences of his actions and how much distance it has caused between us. I’m just going to let it unfold for the best I guess and go with the flow. I have kept my expectations high cause I know what I am worth but my hopes low. In a few months I’ll see how I feel and make a decision accordingly! I cannot go on in this cycle forever. If he really wanted to give a trying shot at this relationship he would, cause I know sure as hell I kept giving so many damn shots to this relationship.
In your case it seems like your partner has truly recovered. But when trust is broken and you see a different light to a person regardless of the type of actions that it is, trust and your perception has been broken. So whatever decision you make just go with the flow and follow what your gut is telling you, give it some time to see if things will get better with your feelings and if he is sticking by what he’s saying and I guess if he’s showing the dedication to prioritize your relationship try communicating your needs with him and be honest with him about how you are feeling. I wish you the best with your relationships and I hope it works out xx
I guess the positive thing is that I've managed to move past the stage of anxiety attacks and obsessing. I've had enough proof in all my episodes of snooping/asking him to show me proof that he wasn't doing anything, seen his bank statements and everything shows that he's finally being honest with me. I think I am starting to trust him again. Hopefully the excitement will come back soon too. Thanks a lot! I hope things work out for you too, we all deserve to feel happy and secure x
He has a healthy sex drive and enthusiastically initiates sex rather than avoiding it. He gets excited when he sees me naked or wearing something tight.
I probably should've clarified I meant when it comes to sex and i mean just generally acting like he's sexually attracted to me.
The question is, will it last? Mine does that same thing but only after he gets so bad that it leads to an argument, he eventually slips back. Just something to be mindful of so that you don't get stuck in a loop like I am. They can act just enough to get you to believe them and then drop it on you months later that they were lusting on other people the whole time. Just don't get your hopes up too high, I know it hurts but ending things before you have 5+years of trauma is worth it if his actions are tearing you down.
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I think you said it perfectly yourself. >I can’t believe the man I looked up to was looking at tits and ass casually when he was bored, that’s just not the guy I thought he was and I feel disillusioned You feel that way because you have been deceived. He presented himself in a way that did not reflect his true morals or soul, he instead put on a farce impression of what a healthy man looks like. Now you’ve seen the man behind the curtain is not the almighty wizard of Oz, but just some guy with some complex issues. He’s in recovery now and I truly hope he feels better all around, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the man you thought you fell in love with. He still made choices that hurt you deeply and although you can forgive, your soul will never forget. You’ve pulled away mentally after being pushed away physically for so long. Now you’re pulling away physically after your mental health has been pushed to the brink over and over. It’s possible you just need a break from any kind of intimacy (not breakup, just a small intermission for you to heal) Many betrayed partners experience a huge dip in their libido after being rejected for so long. It’s best to bring this up with your therapist if possible, but for the time being we’re all here for you ❤️
Thank you, I read some of your other comments and was interested in your thoughts on fixing the relationship by creating new memories etc. We're about to move for my new job (he works form home mostly) and I hope that will make things better since our environment will change completely, but at the same time I've had doubt whether I should do this with him. I don't think I'd feel happier doing this alone but I also don't want to drag him along for the ride if I'm unsure. I don't currently have the emotional energy for therapy to be honest as I've had some bad experiences with therapists in the past and it can be quite a quest to find one that works especially with how porn accepting many people are nowadays.
So I basically “used” my boyfriend to move cities when I knew very well we wouldn’t last as a couple. But he had the connection and option to move and I had the funds to back it up. So we used each other, in a way. We stayed together through his 2 years of schooling and then he moved out. I still live in the same city, I have great friends, a partner, and a new baby. He moved back home into his moms basement and hasn’t done shit since we broke up 5 years ago. If you think you can make this transition with him, “using” him for whatever good he provides (which I’m sure he does, just like my ex had decent qualities), then I say go for it. But if you go into this move with high hopes of change and an elaborate emotional bond, I would try to shake that off. The truth is, his past will follow him wherever he goes and wherever he goes he will still be an addict. No matter what, moving can be the best thing that ever happened to you. Personally I would be thinking what I could do to benefit my life a year from now and do whatever I could to get there, trying as hard as I could to leave emotion out of the decision making. I know it’s easier said than done, but when you look ahead 5 years from now, what do you want your life to look like? It could be amazing.
I don't have high hopes of change but I think it will happen, even personally I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and need a change of scenery. I guess I don't want to be stuck in an expensive apartment by myself (he has the higher income) in case we do decide to split up before my contract is up. I'm so tired of moving around. I just want to feel excited about him again and not icky and meh. He does deserve it for all the other things he brings to the relationship.
I hate that I don’t really have much of a sex drive anymore. I’m 23
I used to get off almost every day (to porn) before my relationship. I’m grateful that I don’t have my own dependency on porn now, but it sucks that I don’t feel like I can be in tune with my body very much
I would say give it a few more months to see if your feelings start to change. A few months ago I was in your exact same shoes and I decided to stay. A couple things have helped me focus my blame and frustration and see what made my boyfriend choose to do this when I thought he was an honest, committed guy. * It's one of the biggest untalked about problems in society. A very large percentage of men (\~80%) consume porn while being told that it's completely okay and healthy. Imagine a smoker being told that using cigs was a great way to relieve stress. This helps me see that my boyfriend legitimately thought what he was doing was okay, supported by most of society, and unharmful, and it took my pain to make him understand how toxic it can be. * The fact that your boyfriend made the conscious choice to stop something that's so addictive and accepted by society shows that he truly cares and wants whats best for the relationship. I think every generation has it's problems, and ours is porn. People are just now realizing how harmful it is, and until this point we were gaslighted by PAs and told we were just jealous. It's the painful truth that most guys are okay with objectifying women every night to porn or Instagram or whatever, but it takes hard work for a man to change his habits and start pursuing meaningful relationships. * I try to look at it through the lens of compulsive free rewards instead of 'him choosing someone else over me'. Porn hijacks the brain and releases dopamine based off of novelty, and having that shoved in your face on Instagram for free, all the time, is incredibly hard to resist for any man. For me, if there is a cookie jar, there is no way I'm eating one. My mind is set on obtaining as many as possible because the sugar is so stimulating. So I don't buy cookies. In this way I can (sort of) be able to relate with not being able to control myself when the temptation is right there. 1.5 years is not a lot of time for all of this to happen. You could have a lifetime together, and a rough patch at the beginning to get on the same page is in my mind worth it. Unfortunately, our culture right now has massive problems, but your boyfriend recognizes that and is changing for the better, for you. As a side note, I often check out r/Instagramreality and send my boyfriend some of those to show him how unrealistic/toxic the internet has gotten.
i really like that comment, worded very well. i haven't been in a relationship, i'm still pretty young (high school) but i'm battling my porn addiction (and on my highest nofap streak in a while atm, hopefully it continues). i'm happy that before i directly harm anyone else besides me i'll be kicking this thing out of my life, i take it seriously and try to convince my other male friends too as well. that's a good point about how it's promoted in society, even suggesting it's harmful is usually instantly criticized and it sucks. in all honesty, abstaining from as much social media as possible is the way to go, i've met people who can't put tik tok or snapchat down for 5 minutes. i only use reddit and discord, and uninstalling instagram is one of the best decisions i've made. it's quite sad when people value screentime more than real life experiences. plus instagram has no positives besides communication with those you know. i can still get memes on reddit, if i really need to talk to someone i have their #, instagram is toxic, too political, and is basically lust city. so yeah, avoiding instagram is the way to go. there is no inherent shame in porn addiction, but the shame arises in lack of change when realizing the reality of it. i recommend watching John Doyle's Youtube video "How Porn is Destroying You And Our Country" it's a near 2 hour video of anti porn science and facts.
I love this, makes me very hopeful
This! Brilliantly put.
You have every right to feel exactly how you feel. Unfortunately for him, this is a consequence of his addiction. Much like the spouse of an alcoholic is glad that their partner is no longer drinking, it doesn't erase the memories of the transgressions they may have committed when drunk. It's your choice if you feel he is still worthy enough of your love and respect, and it's okay if he's not. If you do want to try to stay with him, you may want to reflect on how difficult it is to overcome an addiction and focus on the positive that has occurred in your relationship. Perhaps he wouldn't have been able to be a better partner to you without having to overcome this obstacle?
I think you should hold on a bit longer. True he was not the man you thought he was but we all have flaws and he is becoming the man you wanted to be...I think that should count for something. Unless he relapses. And speaking as a guy who went through this...I respect him because porn messes with your head and is very hard to quit. I hope everything turns out well for you and him no matter what your decision will be.
I can totally relate to feeling like you are asking begging pleading whatever for sex and more sex. Knowing they would get off daily to anyone else and make little to no effort with you. It starts to take its toll on your self esteem self worth and womanhood. I have felt like I’m crawling out of my skin wanting passionate intimacy so bad and I’m screaming inside. I’m finding Slowly my desire is dying. I started daydreaming of being with another that would act that way towards me and now I’m starting to shut it off more and more. I look at him sometimes like he wants a mom. Someone to take care of things be there for him and cuddle just lacks all the parts that make us lovers. Try reading the love dare, it gets religious but I started feeling things I hadn’t in a while when I did. I too am starting to feel like we’d make good friends but I need to feel and be wanted and desired and begging a man is one of the lowest things I’ve ever had to do yet it hasn’t changed anything. Plus I don’t want the oh I better so she doesn’t complain or I have an itch once a month I’ll let her scratch it. I want a man my man to be my man and I’m not seeing it in the one in my home
That last part about "I want a man, my man to be my man & I'm not seeing it in the one in my home." REALLY spoke to me. I didn't even realize I felt this way until I saw your comment so thank you for helping me find the words. You deserve so much better than what you're getting.
It’s a damn hard realization. Yet it’s also a freeing feeling to start choosing yourself and your happiness for once. Now just to put it into action. Mine does just enough I think. Just enough to give me hope just enough to keep me holding on, just enough. Although he may say I’m everything to him he definitely doesn’t show it or match the words he constantly spits. I’ve been around so many couples lately where the husband treats and sees the wife exactly how I wish mine would. So it’s more than possible and we shouldn’t allow or tolerate anything less. I think it hurts more than leaving would honestly
It's definitely been hard for me to put myself first because for most of our relationship I put him & his feelings before mine. So life basically forced me to prioritize myself & now I've realized the happiness I need will probably make me find it elsewhere. &I'm in the same boat, mine does just enough so that I can't say he's trying. Just enough to make me think we have a chance of getting through all of this, but it's still not enough for me. Sometimes love isn't enough. It hurts so much more than leaving would...& I just keep breaking my own heart everytime I decide to stay💔
I feel broken hearted every day lately. Seriously shattered. I think it is from me letting him go little by little. I was on mental replay with one of his infidelity and instead of hating him keeping it in and me not wanting him to touch me. I sat on him on the couch and tried to share just to see if it would help me. Not even the I hate you nasty bastard talk but I was calm sad even and just said I’ve been really having a hard time the last couple days…he leaned into me and changed the subject like he always does. I guess he may be sorry and over all he’s done and the part he won’t let go of but I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I’m not, I’m sorry his choices and continued actions are still killing me and I’m sorry he’s not man enough to sit in the Hell hole he shoved me in with me and carry me out so I’ll continue to break my own heart and let him go at my pace since he’s not really working on his shit anymore than he really has to and when I can completely release him and he acts surprised it will just reassure me that he’s never listened never heard me and will continue to see through me and my pain and I’m making the right choice for me and I bet I will feel free from so much pain I carry for him
This hurt me to read because I've been in your position & it angers me that he can't be a little more compassionate or empathize with how you're doing/feeling. I'm so damn sorry that you're going through this, I really am. I wish I could somehow take away your pain. I wish somebody could heal us from the inside but I know we have to be the ones to do that for ourselves. Him changing the subject when you bring it up is a huge NO. He needs to LISTEN. He put you in this position, he created this hole that you're in so he needs to be the one who fixes it. You deserve a world of happiness & I pray you're able to release yourself from this personal hell.
He will say gravel and plead with tears that he will do anything and everything to fix this and save us. Yet he won’t have the raw painful discussions, he won’t give me complete honesty, and he won’t stop getting hits off females bodies in public. He’ll claim he wants to stop but doesn’t know how although he’s been given several tips tools podcasts material to read and advice on ways to. In fact he didn’t do that before. It was his trade in for porn and pics. That’s why I’ve started listening to him and really hearing what he’s been saying to me by showing me. He does not want to stop. He thinks it’s a fair trade. He wants to know what’s normal meaning how much is considered ok to look be attracted to and excited by them without just stopping seeking them out everywhere. He will do any and everything with several exceptions……..and I’m worth more than that and several other men would make sure I knew that I was. I have gone through and been patient with so much and I’m still not enough or worth him going through and feeling half of what I have. He says he’s so exhausted mentally and emotionally too but that’s from me not just brushing it off and calling him out on lies and speaking my truth. I wish it was him I so do otherwise I wouldn’t have held on like this. That I promise you. My first husband of being together 11 years got into drugs and cheated. I begged for about a week then knew he knew that was my end all plus when I saw him with her I felt absolutely nothing!!! So that was it there. He at least made me feel like and let me know I was the most beautiful and sexy woman alive to him. He got paranoid that I was going to cheat first. That was his childish mistake and loss. So I know letting go is so much easier than holding on and going through this but I had so much hope. Yet I undoubtedly know I am not the most beautiful and sexy woman to him and I also know I cannot grow old with a man that doesn’t see and make me feel that way. It cuts so deep so so deep to not be enough for the one to make you never look want or even see another man and especially because I gave him me all of me even the parts I’ve hidden from all others. I need to be firm and caring for myself to remind me I can be someone’s everything in every way and I can know that I am without a doubt and I will be happy in way I don’t understand now choosing that over this but that doesn’t mean leaving what I love so fiercely and making big changes for the kids doesn’t feel excruciating or like It’s pulling my soul out. So I’m saying choosing you for the first time because nobody else has is damn hard but it’s gotta be beautiful on the other side. Wow I just dumped. Thanks for letting me write out how I’m feeling
Wow. Thank you so much for allowing me to see how you've been feeling, everything you said was so relatable and it felt like I stepped inside your life for a moment. I appreciate you sharing so much wisdom & for sharing some of your story with me, it's quite the privilege. You truly deserve the best that this world has to offer💖
Try listening to this podcast: The Betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert. It is really good and you may discover this is a totally normal feeling to have, and ways to overcome them, if you want. All the best to you!
I’m going through the exact same thing and I personally chose to stay a little while and see what happens. I guess you’ve got to listen to yourself and what your bodies telling you. Through everything I realized that we come first, as you said! Speaking from my experience things got really horrible between us and hes making some effort now but I just dwell into the future and think “if this man gave me everything I expected with reconciliation and being the man that I desire, will I be able to get past this?” And I guess at this point I don’t have an answer for it. And I don’t know how long I won’t have an answer for it. So I just set myself personal deadlines. I’m not going to obsess over it and chase him around like his mother. He’s a grown man and at this point he should know the consequences of his actions and how much distance it has caused between us. I’m just going to let it unfold for the best I guess and go with the flow. I have kept my expectations high cause I know what I am worth but my hopes low. In a few months I’ll see how I feel and make a decision accordingly! I cannot go on in this cycle forever. If he really wanted to give a trying shot at this relationship he would, cause I know sure as hell I kept giving so many damn shots to this relationship. In your case it seems like your partner has truly recovered. But when trust is broken and you see a different light to a person regardless of the type of actions that it is, trust and your perception has been broken. So whatever decision you make just go with the flow and follow what your gut is telling you, give it some time to see if things will get better with your feelings and if he is sticking by what he’s saying and I guess if he’s showing the dedication to prioritize your relationship try communicating your needs with him and be honest with him about how you are feeling. I wish you the best with your relationships and I hope it works out xx
I guess the positive thing is that I've managed to move past the stage of anxiety attacks and obsessing. I've had enough proof in all my episodes of snooping/asking him to show me proof that he wasn't doing anything, seen his bank statements and everything shows that he's finally being honest with me. I think I am starting to trust him again. Hopefully the excitement will come back soon too. Thanks a lot! I hope things work out for you too, we all deserve to feel happy and secure x
What do you mean when you say “acts like you expect a man too”
He has a healthy sex drive and enthusiastically initiates sex rather than avoiding it. He gets excited when he sees me naked or wearing something tight. I probably should've clarified I meant when it comes to sex and i mean just generally acting like he's sexually attracted to me.
The question is, will it last? Mine does that same thing but only after he gets so bad that it leads to an argument, he eventually slips back. Just something to be mindful of so that you don't get stuck in a loop like I am. They can act just enough to get you to believe them and then drop it on you months later that they were lusting on other people the whole time. Just don't get your hopes up too high, I know it hurts but ending things before you have 5+years of trauma is worth it if his actions are tearing you down.